Hollywood Handbook - Patton Oswalt, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

The famous PATTON OSWALT finally joins the conversation to discuss an upcoming event with the boys.This episode is sponsored by hims ( www.forhims.com/THEBOYS ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, it's me and Jack Kerouac. What? And Ashley Benson is there. And we're in a church and we're just disrespecting everything. And we're coming up. Giving the finger. Giving the finger to all those crazy windows.

Which, by the way, you can't even see out them. I'm sorry. What's the point of this window? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like there's this great natural light you could be getting and instead i'm looking at what a guy sometimes like a sheep oh yes yes so i'm pissed and we're coming up with these like insane limericks in church in. And they're filthy as all get out haze.

Okay. And the way we'll do it is like, and you can do it to me if you want. I can take it. But you come up with like a first line that's kind of maybe even hard to rhyme with. And you just stick it to the other person. You go, finish it up. Finish it up. Okay.

So it's not, it's more like against the other person you're with. Oh, you're sticking them. You're sticking them. And they have to finish it? They have to finish it. Okay. Or else they freaking get thrown in the... They get baptized.

Wow. Yeah. It's insane. And the priest, by the way, is going like, Don't do that. Oh, he doesn't wanna But he With a little smirk

Like Okay I haven't had this much fun in a while Okay what's an example of that Of a Like a Opening line to a limerick Yeah

It'll be like Uh Let me come up with a really hard one I knew a man named Bartholomew Okay it seems like a little short of the meter. Normally, they're a little longer. I'm sorry, was this your game? By all means, if you know all the rules and it's your game,

then why don't you give me one? Okay, and so now I have to follow up on that. He discovered a Pokemon holo-mew, which is a holographic mew. Yeah. Card. Mm-hmm. Hey. Don't make it dirty.

Okay, you didn't say I had to do that. Dude, Pat. Did I say that? Well, you said that, but I assumed, and maybe you assumed as well, that you save the dirty line for the last line. The hammer. Exactly. You gig him along, you gig him along, boom. Sneaks up on him.

Then you drop it. That's why this dude's the master, man. You gotta fucking hit him with the hammer at the end. So actually, the Pokemon idea is good because it's for kids and you're sort of, it's gentle and you're going, oh, what a nice thing. I'll show my kid this limerick. Or you're thinking because, again, we're only two lines into this thing. So what

think of the listener. Oh, Bartholomew, that's a fun name. A Pokemon card? Right. What's up with that? Come on. I have a dirty, nasty last line. Oh. But you gotta have the next two that it's a different rhyming thing though two in between

so the holographic mute okay and so these ones should be innocent he ate pizza pie got some on his thigh, and his punishment was to swallow goo. Oh, no.

It's sick. It is sick, but again, then your problem – you're way short on syllables, that last line, though. Well, I thought that was the rule. And then he's got to swallow goo. I said his punishment was to swallow goo. Yeah, his punishment was to swallow goo. And his punishment was to swallow goo. Can I say if I knew?

Oh, okay. I stand corrected. And it's in the iambic. If I knew that's where it was going, I probably wouldn't have had him eating something in the previous line. Oh. You know what I mean? Because he was eating pizza and then his punishment was to swallow goo. I'd almost rather that he got in trouble for something else.

Or is that worse if you're halfway through a delicious pizza and then you've got to go. And you're full. Put that down. Over here. Here's your punishment now. You're already full. You have to swallow goo. And you don't have

enough time now to, the stuff that gets on his thigh, like, you normally go, I need some baking soda, some club soda,

I'm gonna rub, no, now that's just gonna be a permanent stain. And just dab it. Yeah, his pants are ruined. Just dab it.

Should we have Patton be on the podcast? Do you wanna have, well, because, like, he was just gonna kinda like sit and watch, but does, should he be the guest? Oh. Because like he was just going to kind of like sit and watch, but should he be the guest?

Oh, yeah. It was just we had gotten in the argument. Yeah. My mic is on. Yeah, no, come up to the mic a little bit. Well, now I may as well be on the podcast now because now I was on it. Let's just stay on it. Yeah, do you want to do it?

I thought that was great. You've watched so many episodes now and you always say, I don't want to be a part of it. No, I know. Don't even mention I'm in the room. But you were really good. For listeners of the show, I don't think you guys have ever talked about this. We've eluded.

Probably 30 episodes I've just been watching. Just sitting here watching. It's just a fan. It's a fun podcast to get to watch get recorded. Yeah. And it's a really fun thing to do. There's a huge visual element that people don't really understand. And it's a really fun thing to do. There's a huge visual element that people don't really understand. And it's a workout.

For the viewer as well, I've noticed. Well, yeah. I mean, just the laughter itself, the lower abstriations that I'm getting now. Oh, yeah. Really good. So good for shredding that sort of bottom part. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of the industry we call showbiz.

Welcome to Pat and Oswalt. We are so excited for you to be a real guest. Wow. Again, I'm excited to now, oh my God, I'm at the mic. Yes. What I've been watching so long. And we can ask you questions and stuff, which you've always been very weird about not wanting while you're just sitting here. You can ask me anything.

I mean, I can't, you know, although now I will say I'm thinking of all the times I've watched people on the show going, oh, why didn't Paul Leff could have gone there with that? Or why didn't, you know, Kulop say this? Or, oh, Mulaney, you missed that one. Yeah. But now I'm going to be the guy missing. And we didn't release the Mulaney one. No, because he missed so many. Really, really missed that one.

Yeah. But you're conducting it like an orchestra. You know what this is like? I bet this is like watching Jeopardy, and you're like, oh, the Finger Lakes. Come on. But I bet when you're up there, you freeze up. When you're actually on the show, yeah. Oh, boy.

Oh, I don't know. The Hand Lakes. Yeah, exactly. No, but hand links. Yeah, exactly. No, but it is. Yeah, that's what happened to Hayes. Question for, hmm, let me think of a good one. Do you have one? Yeah, I'll ask one.

Okay, great. Was Ratatouille Friends with the Great Mouse Detective? You know what? I don't know if there was a connection there. We were just basically focused on the rat was cooking. Uh-huh. And also. They don't mention if they're friends.

They don't mention it. I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe I should go to the IMDb trivia question. The friends tab. You don't even do the trivia one. If you hit friends next to the character name. Are there friends tabs on there? Yes.

It shows what other characters that character is friends with. Hang on. Let's do that right. Wait a minute. Let's pull up IMDB. Oh, my God. There is a friends tab. That's – I've never – hang on.

Okay, Remy. Let's see. Okay. Jake Gittis from Chinatown. I don't see how that's possible. Well, he has a heart of gold, honestly. He seems very gruff on the outside. I guess, but that's a strength.

He's trying to do something nice. And he hurt his nose. Richard Gere's character from Red Circle. That was a movie about a trial in China, wasn't it? Was Red in the title? Sounds like from that era, got to be a Chinese movie. Yeah, hang on. Main Kid from Last Starfighter.

That's strange how they were friends. Is he friends with anyone who is a rodent or is from France? I was thinking, yeah, maybe Stuart Little or maybe even Gerard Depardieu. No, none of that. There's no Templeton the Rat. There's no Ben or Willard. That is weird. Willard was friends with so many rats.

Yeah, but I've got to say, it's interesting. It's a little bit of a middle finger to Remy. You know, there's kind of two kinds of people who make friends in Hollywood, right? And there's ones who have real friends and then as they ascend to the next rung, they reach down and bring their friends up. And then there's ones who, when they get to the next rung, they're reaching up and grabbing

the feet of a Richard Gere from Red Circle. They slam that door behind them. They close the hatch. Now that I think about it, Remy basically hangs out with humans, so maybe there's a thing they don't explore. I don't think he likes other rams. I think about it, Remy basically hangs out with humans, so maybe there's a thing they don't explore. I don't think he likes other rats. I think he may be one of those self-hating.

That sounds right. Boy. What a complicated character you portray. Well, I didn't know he was that complicated. I thought I was just trying to make a nice plate of food. Right. And now he just, well, thanks. But for who, right?

Who was the nice food for? For who? Exactly. Richard Gere. All the fancy, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Red Circle. Thanks for it.

Might have been Japanese. Thanks for it. Now I think about it. Could have been. He might have been. Might have been. Because if you notice, their favorite picture in Japan is of a Red Circle. There's a picture that they hang up everywhere.

Yes. That's a picture. And that must be an important picture because a lot of times it's not even on paper. Yes. It's on like cloth. Cloth. Yeah, so that means like that's an extra level. And it's too high for anyone to reach.

Because they don't want anyone messing around with it. Yeah. They'll put it up. Like they'll find a very long stick, put that in the ground, but where does the picture go? Way up high. You sound like you've been there. No, you pointed it out. I just realized they do that a lot.

Oh, okay. Yeah, they do that a lot. Never been? No, never been. I know so much about Japan, and yet I've never been there or really have any Japanese friends. Have you had sushi? Have you had sushi? I've had some sushi.

Every bite is the history of Japan, isn't it? By default, I think if you purchase more than $15 at a sushi restaurant, you are allowed to pontificate. You become a historian. Yes. Yes. Yes. Every fish tells the story of the country, and it tells it inside your mouth. Yeah.

And then, yes, it tells it just to your mouth, and then you have to tell it to other people. You have to lecture other people about it. It's interesting. Tell it to other people. You have to lecture other people about it. It's interesting. I wonder if you're on the set of Ratatouille. Right.

Speaking about this in your inimitable way. They're listening to this and thinking, oh, maybe we do a story about a fish told the story of an entire country, Australia. It's a freaking Nemo movie. Okay. That's a great problem is there was no actual set on Ratatouille. That was all. Oh, okay. I talked into a, and they drew the set later. I mean, you could technically say there was a set, but there was never any people on it.

Someone else drew the set. Okay. Now you're making me feel like you didn't see the movie, which is in Paris. I don't see a lot of my movies. In Paris and in the kitchen. There's a kitchen, I remember. Oh, my God. There's pots and pans. There's a kitchen, I remember. Oh my God, there's pots and pans. There's a sewer. I think I remember a dumpster part.

You know what? I said the names of so many cheeses when I was recording the voiceover, but I bet that's why I feel like I've seen the movie. And now that you've mentioned this, I don't think I saw the movie. You didn't see it. And when you're saying cheeses, you have to kind of do it with your eyes closed. Yes. You didn't see it. Yeah. And when you're saying cheeses, you have to kind of do it with your eyes closed.

Yes. So really savor it. You've got to picture that on the plate. You've got to see the color of the plate that it's on. This is all acting, so I don't want to make this into like an acting lecture. That's okay. Really quick. Okay.

Really quick. Really quick. When you talk, when you say cheese in a screenplay as an actor. This is getting long. Oh, okay. Sorry. No. Just say one cheese. Just say one cheese. One is getting long. Oh, okay. Sorry. No. Just say one cheese.

One cheese. Okay. Mimolay. So Patton, is this true because I've been reading a little bit about this. Would you say it's true that cheese is bae? Well, I mean, I think it depends on the cheese. Like if it's a Limbager, then yeah, it's Cheezus Bay. Cheezus Bay.

But if it's just, you know, if it's like Gouda. Gouda is not Bay. No, Gouda is not Bay. Okay. All right. Like, okay, what's the most popular cheese you can buy in the grocery store? Babybel. Babybel.

I thought you were asking. Babybel. Oh, no I thought you were asking me. I was setting it up, but you answered it. Yeah, it was a real question, but I didn't realize you wanted it. It would be cool if I had that moment to land the oh, Baby Bell, and then you guys were supposed to go whoa, but then you jumped. But that's fine.

No, here, put this in. Sam, are you there? Sam, put this in. It's so far down in his head. Is Pat far away from... What's up? I'm just... Me reacting to Pat and this is...

Hayes reacting to Pat and Babybel joke. Okay. That wasn't a joke. No, it was fact. I was trying to give you a fact. Okay. Delete that one. Uh-huh.

Hayes reacting to Pat and fact cheese Babybel. Okay? one. Hayes reacting to patent fact cheese Babybel. Okay? Yeah. What? Okay, but I didn't say the Babybel. You got it, Sam? Mm-hmm. Okay, really quick.

Open a new file. Patent dropping Babybel knowledge. But put this before him saying what. All right? Okay, go ahead. Okay. What's the most popular cheese you can buy in the store? Baby, baby.

Okay, I got it. Sorry, I just knew. I knew because you had both said it. One more time, third file. I'm going to say it. Neither of you say anything, okay? And then you'll put his woe after what I'm about to say. Sure.

Okay. What is the most popular cheese you can buy in the supermarket? Oh, God, I forgot the cheese. What was the name of the cheese again? Am I allowed? Because I've been told not to say anything. Oh, God. Why am I blanking?

I just said it twice. It's a trap. Let me go one more time. Just say it really quick. It's Baby Bill. Baby Bill. Okay. I me go one more time. Just say it really quick. It's Babybel. Babybel. Okay. I'm going to do it.

Ready? And what is the most popular cheese you can buy in the supermarket? It might be Kraft Singlet. I was actually thinking that too. It might be. If you really look. And it's more cheese in a pile. Would Babybel be the answer in 1991?

Yeah. But it's 2018. 91, yes, the year of Babybel. Well, that was when it was really jumping off. Do you have any King of Queens questions or anything like that? Yeah, what was that show? What was going on with that? Seemed crazy to me.

So I get on it all the time. I turn it on, I'd be like, what is happening? This is a show? The guy's crazy. He's out of his mind. A couple of them are. Yes. Everybody was a little kooky on that show.

No, I'll tell you what. Some of the way they're behaving, I did not relate to that. Yeah. It's a little. Well, I mean, that's what I said. Do you relate to a lot of sitcoms? Are there sitcoms you like or does it kind of like. Because if you don't, that seems

like a form you would not respond well to. Hashtag FWBL, Friends With Better Lives. I remember watching that and being like, okay, this is me and my homies. Really? Yeah. I related to Vanderbeek

and I related to yes, James Vanderbeek's character, yes. The actor and the character. Oh, okay, yeah. Both. I could imagine being him on the set because I do work in the industry. Yeah. And I also could imagine being him in the show because I do have some friends with some better lives.

Or at least that's how it seems. If you refer to a character as the name of the actor, or if you refer to the character by the character name, does it mean that the guy was a better actor that you can only remember his name, or does it mean he was a worse actor because he didn't embody that character so that you remember the character's name? Well, oh,

whoa. Interesting in this case, because Van Der Beek, like, in, uh, Don't Trust a Bee, right, is playing James Van Der Beek. Uh-huh. And what's weird was I didn't remember that he was doing that. So what does that say? Right.

Whoa. It says that you don't, I guess, know that much. But do you know him mainly as Mox? Who's Mox? Moxon, he was the quarterback in Varsity Blues who was reading friggin' Kurt Vonnegut on the bench. Oh my gosh, no. That I do not know.

But that must have made an impression on you because look what you just did. I know, right? Not only did you say Moxon, you used his nickname! So that right there. I just call him Mox. Well, but that is a that's a testament to Van Der Beek's acting. Not a Vonnegut I just call him Mox. Well, but that is a that's a testament to Van Der Beek's acting. Not a Vonnegut guy, I guess, either.

The jester of the universe. Oh, I was a huge Vonnegut guy. Holding up a freaking circus mirror to outer space. Well, it was more of a funhouse mirror. Circus mirrors. I think a circus mirror itself is just a normal mirror. It's kind of round. It's the funhouse mirror that are weird. Circus mirrors have I think a circus mirror itself is just a normal mirror. It's kind of round. It's the funhouse mirror that are weird.

Circus mirrors are the clowns putting their makeup on. Yeah, but it's got a clown in it. Yeah, I know, but the mirror itself isn't warped because then he'd mess up his makeup. A circus mirror is not a funhouse mirror. Those are two different things. Patton, do you see a clown in every normal mirror? What I think clowns actually do is they use a circus mirror and they say, Okay, I want to put it on my makeup so I can look like a normal guy.

But then it comes out like a freaky clown. You think that's how clowns look? Yes. You think that the carnival mirror is how clowns look the way... Well, a carnival mirror is a little different as well. Circus mirror and a carnival mirror are not necessarily the same

thing. But a funhouse mirror is not either of those. No, no, no. Okay, wait a second. Then if a clown put on makeup in a normal mirror, would he not look clownish? Would it just look like very nice makeup? You're saying if he wasn't using a funhouse or carnival mirror? I honestly think all makeup is for clowns, and I prefer natural women. makeup is for clowns and I prefer natural

women. I actually think that all mirrors in any house is a fun house mirror if I'm there. Did you read 12 Rules for Life? You know what? I could not get...

I'm reading it. Ask me how far I am into the book? How far? Let's just say my room is clean, but I'm not thinking like a lobster. Okay, that's a big one. The scuttling part? Yeah, the scuttling part.

Scuttling is huge. And by the way, that is a great metaphor, though, for living your life is to be huddled up and armored at the very bottom of the ocean, waiting for scraps from things that are living in the sunlight to filter down to you. Yes, eating scum. That's how to live. Sustaining on scum. Yeah, that's the viewpoint you want in life, yeah. I mean, Jordan Peterson has really said some stuff that I don't think has ever been said,

like you should maybe walk upright and try to take control of your life. Has anyone ever put that in print? I mean that's – I'm trying to think. I'm racking my brain. I don't think that's ever been done. Yeah, and like girls are scary but pretend not to be scared of them. Exactly. Yeah.

I mean I think that was – they say, oh, every book's been written and then – Yeah, all of a sudden – Jordan Peterson. Jordan Peterson. Our fucking super genius shows up and goes like, I've been noticing something. Wait a minute. Tall guys are almost up above some of these other guys. Hey, we should bathe.

Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, that was big. That set me back a couple days. Wait a minute. Yes. What is, yeah. Talk about a funhouse mirror.

Thank you. You realize I'm living in a, wait a minute, this isn't. That was your life before. Exactly before Jordan Peterson. Being inside the mirror and then you emerge from the mirror. Thank you. Dominance hierarchies are just completely natural. Yes.

For instance, we were talking earlier about how sometimes cheese is bae. Right. But there are some cheeses that they're not bae, huh? No, they're really not. And so if that's true, then isn't that just a dominance hierarchy that nature made? Yeah. So what cheese do you

want to be? You know, me personally? Probably freaking like mozzarella or something. The main cheese, you have to admit. One of the craziest best cheeses. The big cheese. But what's the main one? Is it mozzarella or is it Parmesan?

Which one do you want to be? Okay. Now, this is why we wanted you to finally get on the mic, Pat. Okay. Because this shit's fucking tripping me out. Yeah. Explain yourself. I'm sorry that I brought this shit's fucking tripping me out. Yeah. Explain yourself. I'm sorry that I brought this Joe Rogan moment to the podcast, but I mean, the main thing

is that, you know, do you want to be ubiquitous or do you want to be unique? And I think the dichotomy that's presented with both Parmesan and mozzarella, I think the two main things that we can both say about those cheeses is they're Italian and white. And that's the most important. That's what you want to be. Italian and white. Yes. Yeah. I think that's pretty – that's the clear answer.

That's a formula for success. Is to be Italian and white. You know what? That's a successful formula, right to be Italian and white You know what That's a successful formula Right Is that Would that Yes

People can't see this But he became this character It was weird Actually I I spontaneously grew a chef hat You grew a toad As I was Like a mushroom

I didn't do a good noise No Yeah Should we do our Should we talk about I mean I didn't do a good noise. No. Yeah. A little bit. Should we do our... Should we talk about... I mean... Our plans for Patton? In some ways, this actually...

Oh, boy. It dovetails with the dominance hierarchy stuff. Yes. Because in the sea lion world, of course, there's something known as the beach master. I didn't know this. The beach master is a strong male sea lion who will hold down a beach for months at a time and make love to all the women there. And if any other male sea lions try to come into his beach zone, he'll scare them off and fight them off and battle. You know that sea lion that's rolling back and forth on the beach all the time when you go and look at him? There's the one that's kind of rolling in a big circle around the beach.

Right. That's the beach master. I didn't know any of his terminology. Oh, yeah. He's kind of mowing the beach. The beach master. He's scary as hell. And what he'll do is he won't eat any food for like four months because he just has to

not leave the beach and risk someone coming in and stealing any of the 15 women that he's sleeping with. Then how does he stay so big? He's not even for four months. After four months, he's out of there. Oh, okay. Yeah, yes. And also, I mean, he stays pretty big

having sex. Yeah, exactly. It does make me wonder, can sea lions only have sex on the beach? Can't the lesser sea lions just... Oh, if you want to sneak off and... I'll have a tequila sunrise, please. Can you just cut the...

Is Sean on a separate track? Yeah. Can we cut that? Cut that? Yeah. Thank you. Go on. Okay, so that aside, do something of a beach master.

Yeah, so we are, of course, planning. It's July. Our annual summer break beach blast off. The mega Hollywood handbook beach blast off. Beach party. That we do every year. Blanket blast. Okay.

Blanket blast. Okay. And obviously we always have a huge marquee guest who announces throughout the two-man volleyball tournament, Top Gun style, and gives everyone fun nicknames. And then does a stand-up centered around beach concepts. Beach-themed? Yeah. Ocean-themed? Or beach? Stuff about like, hey, how come these beach towels always got to have some crazy design?

Right, yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? Can I just get a green towel? Guys, sand crabs, right? Yes. What is going on? What's their issue? Am I going crazy?

Yeah. So we have, of course, rented a beach volleyball square in HB, Huntington Beach. You know where we like to play. Yeah, the hub. Yes. And so we are doing the big blast. It costs $600 a ticket for people to gather in our square. How big is the square?

100 feet. 100 by 100. No. 10 by 10 square? 100 feet. 100 by 100. Nope. 10 by 10. 10 by 10. 10 by 10. Oh, but that is a 10 foot by 10 foot square on the beach? Yes.

So there's other parts of the beach that are still other people are doing stuff on. They're playing beach volleyball. But you have your stuff. They're playing, yeah. Yes. Well, our idea a little bit has been, have you ever seen when people play those like paper football games? Sure. It's like they're playing football, basically,

but they're just flicking with their fingers. Same excitement, yeah. Can we do that with volleyball? Because that's going to allow a lot more people to play. That was going to be my first question. To just flick a volleyball back and forth. That was my first question. It's 10 by 10 foot, but you're going to have a two-man volleyball tournament.

But you're going to be doing it like little desk football style. It's shrinked. We're wondering if we can. I guess you're going to have a two-man volleyball tournament. But you're going to be doing it like little desk football style. It's shrinked. We're wondering if we can. I guess you're going to find out. I don't know. I don't know anything about volleyball. I guess you're going to find out. We're working on a prototype.

This is actually Chef Kevin's job. We'll get Chef Kevin. Chef Kevin! Chef Kevin! So you're going to, wow. So people that go to this are going to be witness to, like, the birth of a new sport? That's actually a really cool way to put it. Yeah.

Yeah. If people have ever been sad that they weren't there for, like, baseball. For the very first time. For when it was invented. You're watching baseball and you're like, God, I kind of wish I was there when this was invented. Yeah. I wish I saw this from the beginning. Yeah.

Even when I'm watching some of these brand new sports. Right. Spikeball. Or freaking trampoline basketball. Which is sweeping the nation now. Slam ball. Yes, slam ball.

Damn, I go, why wasn't I here for this? I would have loved to see this. Why can't Flubber be in real life? Mm-hmm. So, yeah. Of course that caught on. Chef Kevin, so your job has been, of course, to create a miniaturized version of beach volleyball

that can be played with the fingers alone. How is that going? Hey, guys, Chef Kevin here. It's going very well. I'm using ping pong balls as the beach ball. Okay, well volleyball. You don't play volleyball with a beach ball. That would take forever. No, you can't.

It's a different way to play. No, it's not. That's not volleyball then. It's easier. Well, yeah, but it's not exciting and it takes a long time. And the proportions are a little off, Kevin. Yeah. If you can look at my two fingers standing up here and imagine they are a guy, which is what we're trying to deal with here. Now imagine a ping pong ball and the hugeness compared to the guy.

Yeah. Would a volleyball come up to my knees? It could. Because that's what you're saying the ping pong ball will be doing. The bigger the ball, the better. Now I actually, this is fucked up because as I'm thinking about it, when Chef Kevin was at the Janelle Monae concert a few weeks ago, who, by the way— She's giving me life right now.

She's giving me life right now. What I remember is— She's getting us through Trump, I'll tell you that. Thank you. I saw an Instagram story— Just take my hand, she says. I saw an Instagram story of him in the middle of the crowd picking up a volleyball and trying to, you know, bounce it among all the people at the concert.

And I'm realizing this guy's got it backwards. He's got beach balls and volleyball switched up. Yes. Oh, were people mad? Well, yeah, they kept saying, quit throwing that around. And I brought six. Oh, no. So the first four, no one, people were complaining because it hit him in the back of the head.

Sure. Well, you spiked it into the back of the head sure well you spiked it into the back of the head yeah and it was the guy in front of me yeah at least Josh

set it up I mean like yeah post it up yeah I was trying to do it to the beat of the song and it

didn't it just hit it on the downbeat how'd the song go uh you that's how you make me feel.

That was the slam on feel. That is giving me life. So the first four, but there were six. What happened in the last two? I just kicked them in the air. You did what? I kicked them in the air.

You're not even know the rules. You're not supposed to kick them. Yeah, you don't kick a volleyball. But did any of the six balls get going in the crowd or were they all duds? Well, the first five people immediately threw them like out of the venue. Right. And then someone kept my last one. Oh.

That's too bad. Yeah. Did Janelle say anything? I mean, if I was on stage and saw a volleyball. She said, the boy in the back who's throwing the volleyball, please stop. I'm going to ask you to leave. Right. A little bit of a diss.

Throw in some shade there. It's the only negative thing she said. It's true. She saw it through him. Yeah. So you're saying the ping pong ball's too big, wrong proportion. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Maybe. Yeah, what am I thinking would be good? No, it's too hard. You'd be cracking knuckles on that thing, man. Marbles? Disgusting. No, even worse. Yeah.

I'm picturing a Crunch Berry. Yes. A Crunch Berry. That would solve some of the food issues we're having as well. And you get – you know what you do? You go get the – I don't know if they only put them out a couple times a year, Whoops All Crunch Berries. Yes. That would be the thing where something went wrong.

Whoops All Crunch Berries. Yeah. Imagine what went wrong in the factory for that to happen. Yeah. Well, that was some Karen Silkwood stuff going on there. They were trying to expose something went wrong with the factory for that to happen. Yeah, well, that was some Karen Silkwood stuff going on there. They were trying to expose something went wrong with the Crunchberry factory. Somebody pulled the lever. And they had to run the captain off the road because he was driving.

Had a little accident. Yeah, exactly. And they're trying to cover that up. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's a great way for them to spin it. A milk shower. No, by the way, that was brilliant spin

on the whoops all crunch berries. I'm amazed they haven't done that with other like chemical factories and history. One of the greatest PR victories in history. Exactly, yeah. Whoops all crunch berries. Whoops all E. coli. Yeah, yeah. Whoops all nuclear core. Like the Three Mile Island.

Whoops all salmonella. Which, speaking of cereals, it'smonella. Speaking of cereals. It's a different ending for Soylent Green. Oops, all people. Oops, all people. And people go, oh, come on. Come on, we're having fun, huh? That's nuts.

Oops. What were you saying about cereal? There's a salmonella outbreak with honey. Who's the member of Sugar Bear, that guy? Oh, yeah, Sugar Smacks. Sugar Smacks, now it's Honey Smacks. Honey Smacks. Which is all sugar.

Or wait, is that the frog? No. No, it had to dig him. Dig him. But no, Sugar Smacks was that bear that kind of talked like Dean Martin. Sure. Yeah. Hey, how you doing?

He got sunglasses on. Italian and white, that's the recipe. There you go. But now they got to use him to try to spin the salmonella. Oh, yeah, bring him back. It's a little bit of throwing up and pooping. It's not that bad. Hey, come on.

Hey, quick weight loss program, baby. Come on. Yeah, dig it. Salmonella. The factory workers don't get bathroom breaks. All of it's going to get in the cereal. Wait a minute. Salmonella.

Are you talking about my driver? No? Oh, the other Sal. Okay. I like this guy. Alright. Now I'm having fun and I'm sick. So, Kevin, it seems like you're fucking up pretty bad.

What are we doing about the sand issue? There's a thing where, so, I'm not hiding it, my pores are very large. Oh. And I get to the beach, very steamy environment. They're opening up much, much more. And so sand is kind of just falling in there. And then when it cools down, they seal up and your pores are filled with sand.

Filled with sand. And my whole body, I become sort of like a desk toy. Oh, you can squeeze. Just like a beanbag shape like the boss pretty much that you would give to your dad for his desk. How would you deal with that? What are we doing? I have two tactics. One, we just get rid of it completely, all the sand. Okay, but how are we doing that?

Because I saw you out there with a vacuum about a week ago and it didn't seem like you were making a ton of progress right and you weren't really trying that hard and you're listening to music while you do i was dancing yeah well i'm gonna get two vacuums just vacuum it honestly reminded me of that dirt devil commercial where they updated the fred astaire dancing with the cat coat rack and they had him vacuuming on the ceilings and stuff. Yeah. So that's one that I'm going to do is the vacuum. Or we get it wet so it's harder to get in your pores.

So all of the sand is like mud. So it's not going to be flying around. That's smart. Okay, well, the water is over there. Yeah. And the sand is, you know, they're – I'm going to use the vacuum hose and then spray all the sand. That could be helpful because we do – I know we don't want any sand there, but we also do have a big sandcastle contest.

I was going to say they wet the sand down for sandcastles. That's – it sounds like you're solving two good problems there, right? Because Pam was going to judge the sandcastle contest. Yeah. Okay. I have a whole Instagram just, you know, devoted to the sandcastles that I photograph. I don't know how to make them. I think that's why I love them so much.

I don't know how they pull this wizardry off. Yeah. I mean, sand, it's just this loose – it's sand. That's what I found. When I pick it up, it's going everywhere. Yes. Me too. I'll just admit that.

Thank you. It's blowing away. And even when I – look, even when I wet it, it just kind of, you know. It's sticking to me. These guys, it's a dragon. Yeah. It's a guitar. It's Mount Rushmore.

What is going on? Not only that, there's a moat around it half the time. Yeah. So this is my concern. Can we institute some rules about the scariness of some of these sand castles? A lot of them have like a crocodile's mouth coming out of a moat. That's illegal as far as this is concerned. We want it to be able to be fun,

and we don't want people to necessarily be going to the bathroom on themselves. So you want SFSs. You want scare-free sandcastles. Well, then put SFS on the flyer. Okay. Only SFS judging contest. There are a lot then put SFS on the flyer. Okay. Only SFS judging contest. There are a lot of acronyms on the flyer already. Right.

Yeah. And then also, there's a symbol. I know there's an emoji for it of a sand demon with the red circle and cross. It's a scary sandcastle, but it's like, no, none of that. You can put that on the flyer, too. Okay. Yeah. They've got that on the flyer, too. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got that.

The flyer's just getting very big. I'm worried. Oh, wow. With that emoji, that's been appropriated by some racist groups to be like. They're appropriating. Look, it was bad enough taking, what was it, Lil Pepe? Pepe, yeah. Lil Pepe.

They're grabbing everything now. All our best funny symbols are somehow getting turned into something it really Chester Cheetah is anti-semitic now to be fair to them

I think the idea of a sand demon we were maybe begging for it maybe yeah of all the I'm surprised

they got to that one when they did yeah because Chester Cheetah they went to that first and I go that's kind of a stretch for him to be. I immediately thought that was a stretch. I was like, wait, what?

But they're like, no, he's orange like Trump is. It was all this dumb. It all goes back to this Trump. It's terrible. Can we hear some more Janelle from Kevin to carry us through this? Just a quick little drop song. Just give me life, please. That's how you make me feel.

But you just thought for a really long time. It took so long to come up with the same line. You went to the concert. Are you a poser? No. You were thinking about it. You were thinking so hard. Oh, my God, Chef.

Kevin's a poser. I'm not good at remembering the words. Wow. Okay, so just give me the rhythm. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And this is safe because I can't tell them if that's right or wrong. No, I can't either. Let them vagina have a monologue. No, I can't either. Let Them Vagina Have a Monologue

and Everyone Went Crazy. Wow. Ensler drop. At all my favorite concerts. Yeah. If you don't lay some Ensler on me in the middle of the show. That's what you're always doing at the club

is you wait for the Ensler drop, man. Come on, when's it coming? I'm in there kickbacking. When I hear the answer to drop, I'm like, excuse me. But this might jam. This might, yeah. Get me, and I put, I get, I sit. The floor parts.

Yeah. And you sit on a stool. That's when the answer to drop happens, man. So hang on. So what is, you're saying the flyer's getting busy. What is the name of this event? Is that at least centered on the flyer or is there so many symbols? The name is on a separate flyer at this point because we just had so much.

Right. I believe it was, I said before, the summer break, beach blast off, beach party blanket blast. Beach blast off, beach party blanket blast. Okay. Two. And that's on a flyer. Beach Party Blanket Blast. Beach Blast off Beach Party Blanket Blast 2. And that's on a flyer. That's on a flyer by itself, but there's no information. Do you at least hang these flyers close to one another?

That has been an issue, just a spacing issue. I guess they've got to be on telephone poles. Yeah, duh. So we'll hang one, and then we'll just hope that you're walking in the same direction that we went. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Which is about two blocks later.

You take a left, and then you're going to go up a pretty big hill, and then there's going to be the actual information for the event. And you have to get them high enough, like Japan's favorite picture, that nobody will take them down. So you have to throw the paper into the air and shoot it with a staple gun like freaking Annie Oakley. I'm just worried that if you're hanging these next to each other on a circular telephone pole, I think a lot of people that – No, not even dizzy. Telephone poll Dizzy I think a lot of people No not even dizzy

I just think a lot of people That come to this year's party Are going to be people That were being chased By like a comical policeman And I think Like Benny Hill stuff Yeah

And that's going to be A lot of your attendees Maybe we cater to them That worries me By having it be like Kind of a rotoscope image So you can't see That's not bad

So as you're running around You just see one complete image That's smart Pink, yeah. So as you're running around, you just see one complete image. Oh. That's smart. Pink is the color of your baby. Pink is the something of your. And the snap is for? It's silence.

Maybe. Oh. I think you're supposed to yell vagina in that part, too. And it seems like, yeah, you're leading right up to it. You got me to the edge. Pink is the color of your vagina. Maybe. They didn't like when I said it.

Okay. Maybe that's why everyone else was silent. You might have jumped the gun a little bit. It sounds like you're trying to make the events or drop happen. Yeah. That's a little. Common mistake. You can't force it.

You can't get to decide that. That has to come from the stage. Well, I had a lot going on. I brought six volleyballs. I'm trying to get these drops down. How'd you carry them in? Well, that's a good question. I put them in my shirt.

Oh, I see. Like you're pregnant. Wow. And sick. Yeah. The sexto mom. Sam, how long is it in the show? Yeah, what time?

About 45. Is there a song that we play, Sam, sometimes? Somebody asking me, we want the guest to like the funny song. Yeah, come on, please. I always forget about that. Electric. No. Electric queen.

Because. Start it at the beginning Yeah How long How long Has it been Thank you Now say how long Now say how long

What? Sounds It's been 45 minutes That sounds like The way the guy Who sings that song Ebony Eyes? Your eyes got me dreaming.

I think that's the sugar smokes beer. It sounds like it. And Ebony Eyes is something that happens when you eat sugar smokes. You got those ebony eyes, the doctor. You got those ebony eyes, yeah. So You got to put in the eyes. Yeah. So I guess we're doing the beach blast. We've got the wet sand.

We've got the mini volleyball. We're doing the tournament. Patton's going to announce that. We've got the sandcastle contest. I'll judge that. But the main event, I guess, is going to be that we do have to write some really funny beach stand-up. Now, I know we've talked about sand crabs. We've talked about some of the tides coming in and out. We've said the word

sand crabs. We didn't really talk about them. Yeah. But are you kidding me with these things? Yeah. That's kind of all you need to do. What is going on? And again, am I going crazy? Yeah. Anything more would be gilding the lily a little bit. Yeah. I think you're egging the pudding at that point. That is asked and answered right there.

But yeah, you're choosing other stuff on the beach. Yeah, what else is going on there? I mean, you know, think of all the stuff. There's so much material. There's planes flying by, trailing those advertisements. Yeah. You could have so much fun with those. So much.

Yeah. Yeah. You could have so much fun with those. So much. Yeah. You've got weird seaweed washing up. Where is this coming from? What is going on? Yeah.

Weird seaweed stuff. That's right. You've got little kids running into the water for the first time, falling down, parents running after them. Getting sucked out. Yeah, all that. I mean, I don't know how funny that is, but you do have that. It's just the way you handle it. Yeah, it is.

You know what? Anything can be funny. And for adults, like, you know what? Anything can be funny. What I prefer to get sucked out by. Oh, yeah. For the grownups. I was thinking of a joke that I could do where, like, if the tide's coming in and it's about

to ruin the sandcastle. Oh. And I go, don't worry, guys. I heard this tide's controlled by the moon. And I give him a nice pressed ham. What do you press it up against? If there's nothing to. I have a car door with the window rolled up that's been detached.

And I keep that in the sand. Because that also works for this other joke that I used to tell. Okay. So. Sorry, do you want me to ask you to tell it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of. What's the joke?

Hitting at it. So these three guys are, and there's nothing distinctive about any one of them. None of them fit any particular group. But these three guys are going on a long hike through the desert, and they each get to bring one item. So the first guy's got a donut. They say, hey, why you got this donut? And he goes, well, I'm walking through the desert.

When I get hungry, I'm going to want something to eat. So when I'm hungry, I'll eat it. The next guy, he's got a bottle of water. And they go, hey, why'd you bring that bottle of water? And he goes, well, I'm walking through the desert. At some point, I'm going to get thirsty, so I'll drink it. The third guy is carrying a car door. They go, hey, why you got this car door?

He goes, I'm walking through the desert. It's going to be pretty hot. At some point, I think I want to roll down the window. Wow. And so it helps to have the actual car door so you can be like, I guess, and that man was me? Or do you want to see them? Do you roll down the window after you say the punchline or as you're saying it, or what do you do? What's been the best effect?

My experience so far has been a lot of people start to drift off around the middle of the joke. I'll hit him with some pressed ham. What do you mean when you hit him with pressed ham? You throw him over there? Oh, now you're asking for it. Uh-oh. What is going on? I'm very confused.

Oh, yeah. It's too bad you don't have the car door in here. I just go ahead and drop the pants and underpants and go ahead and press it up against the window there. Oh, okay. Wow. Heard these tides are controlled by the moon. Let's find out. Hey, I think the water's moving back away.

A lot of gravity. So I had him with the press hand. Which is, is that weird for you as, like, a moon truther? Sean believes that there is no moon. Well, what would it be doing? Honestly, answer me because no one's been able to answer. Okay, let's say there is a moon. What's it even doing?

It's orbiting the... He goes to bed early. Oh. So you haven't seen... If it's out there, I haven't seen it. I've, of course, seen photos, but you know what else I've seen photos of? The moon landing? Well, no, I wasn't going to say that.

Detroit. I'm trying to think of something that's really fake. Photos of Detroit. I've seen photos of Detroit, yeah. I've seen the poster for that movie. Right. And you're like, what? Well, yeah.

It's a movie. They made it up, right? Is that what you're thinking? Well, yes, It's a movie. They made it up, right? Is that what you're thinking? Well, yes, because so much of the movies is the moon. What? Well, think about it. I am. All right.

Right there with you. I'm just going to name two movies. Okay. Paul 13. Yeah. Donnie Darko. Right? And?

Okay. Is that real? Well, Apollo 13 was based on a thing that happened. You know that they went, they were going to the moon. Well, oh, shoot, they didn't get there. No spoilers. Okay. Yeah, Kevin, Chef Kevin rarely gets to enforce a no-spoilers rule on this show.

You haven't seen the moon, so you don't think it exists. Well, I haven't seen it, and let's say it exists. What's it even doing? What's its job? I'm sorry, get a job. It's like Kim Kardashian. Do we even know why she's famous? Can you at least have the— It's like Kim Kardashian Do we even know why she's famous?

Can you at least have Right? I mean, how's she even famous? You know, this is I'm at the end of three cul-de-sacs at once I didn't know that was possible At this point, we're famous for being famous? I mean, is that what we're doing? There's no precedent for this.

It's another Jordan Peterson situation. No, it's true. It's all new. Is there any way for you to extend the beach bash so that it goes into the nighttime so that he could at least see the moon? That's kind of a lot of what this is about. Oh, is it? Yes. You're trying to get it to.

Keeping him excited and awake. I'll have showed him the moon already, huh? No, I'll have given him a nice long look at the moon. And that is real. What do you, do you close your act with that? Or is that in the middle or the beginning? Because how do you. I do it three or four times.

Oh, three or four times. Because the first time, it's shock, big laugh. Right. The second time, I'm now sort of establishing a pattern. And then there's a lot of tension built up of like, when will he do it again? Is he doing it again? Will there be sort of a twist on it? And I'll sort of walk you right to the edge of a setup that would naturally result in a pressed ham.

But then I won't give it to you quite yet. And it allows me to extend the act and sort of build that anticipation. You're doing a club bass drop version of the joke. Oh, my God. Here we go. Nope. Yeah. Of the joke.

They're waiting. Oh, my God. Here we go. Nope. Oh. Yeah. Sometimes he'll press it up in a way and move the car door around so that the ham is doing the joke. That has proven to be difficult to create that illusion. Yeah.

That's not perfect yet. But my big closer now, and we'll do the beach bash before this airs so is that as i'm talking and doing the act sort of i'm gotta uh the car door is sort of blocking the lower half of my body so i'm able to kind of draw a face back there and i'll and i'll stick a hot dog in to be the nose and i'll draw these two big eyes and then i'll turn around and turn around and give you the press. Him looks like a guy, kind of a funny guy. Looks like Kilroy.

Yeah, but do you hang him over the edge of the window like Kilroy was here? Yes, I do. Look, Kilroy is here. He is here. He's here right now. I do, and I try to get him to talk a little bit, which, as Hayes pointed out, has not been working. And sometimes if I just miss, well, or the nose goes all the way in. Has been an issue.

I was using a frozen hot dog that was very hard. And at one point I just misjudged the height a little bit, and I did get the nose all the way up there, and it was exciting, but also not what I wanted. Should we talk about AP Bio? Yes. Which I, my, it's the adult Pinocchio's biography. That's my understanding that's my understanding is that apparently this guy is a liar but they don't what i've seen on the show they rarely mention that he you was pinocchio as a child i'm sorry you have seen the show oh yeah i've seen every episode

yeah so what were the moments that made you go oh this is grown-up pinocchio as a child. I'm sorry. You have seen the show. Oh, yeah. I've seen every episode. So what were the moments that made you go, oh, this is grown-up Pinocchio? The lies. The guy's lying. He lies a lot. He's significantly older than Pinocchio. Yeah. Right?

Okay. He's eating an apple in the poster in a way that makes it look like he's not really used to eating food. Which seems like a Pinocchio thing. Pinocchio never had to eat food. He was not real. You know what? I got to say, we shot 13 episodes. I personally didn't see any of this.

I could talk to Mike O'Brien. Friend of the show. Well, creator. Friend of the show. You were there when he did our show. Friend of our show. Oh, I was there? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. That's how you guys met. That's how you're doing. Jeez. Adult he did our show. Friend of our show, yeah. Oh, I was there? Yeah. Oh, my goodness.

He was on our show. That's how you guys met. That's how you're doing. Jeez. These shows, they really blend in, though. They blur. He was on our show two years ago, and then I think a year ago, I met with him. Job interview for AP Bio, and he did not remember having done the podcast.

Do you think that you will remember doing this show, Pat? That will be, you know what? If you guys guest star, I'll see if I do. Can I ask you a question? When you were auditioning, were you pushing this Pinocchio theory of yours? Oh, yes. When I went in to read for it,

I sort of decided to make some of the subtext spoken out loud. Okay. So I was bringing up Geppetto a lot. Yeah, see, that probably – that explains a lot. I hadn't seen Pinocchio in a while, but I was remembering there was a whale, and I was going, what exactly was it? Do you want that whale? and I was going what exactly was do you want that

what the hell so that so that was the bulk of my audition you know that is something that I will definitely bring up I'm going to meet

with the writers in a couple weeks and I never thought maybe that's hidden in there or maybe that's something that will develop over the seasons yeah

I never thought of that angle and if we just want to get into some more detail, is it like a cool show? Yes, it's a cool show. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.