Hollywood Handbook - Patty Guggenheim, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

The Boys welcome PATTY GUGGENHEIM on the podcast and hear her funny story.Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. So you, so you don't know the page song. Can you sing it? You would love it. Can you sing a little bit? I don't have my little, his pitch pipe. My little pitch pipe. You didn't even write the name of it.

It's just, it's like part of my hand normally. But I lost it. My boss and my choir. I'll give you a note. Was like really coming down hard on me for some of my behavior at choir. And. Confiscated the pitch pipe.

Well I. Or what happened? It was a mutual. I jumped ahead of you in the story. No, it was a mutual like. I thought it was gonna be connected to you not having it. Can I just give you a pitch? Cause I have perfect pitch.

Okay. And what note is that? Seven. A. I don't think I can get up to seven A. Yeah, that's not really my range. I'm more of a Johnny Cash type. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Can we give me the song again? Deep songs play. Give it to me again. Give me the note again. There's no way I'm gonna be able to do this. I'm sick of the dog.

I mean, I'm tired today, guys. Everybody else just walking in the fire. That bag, it looks kind of small for... My bag? Yeah. Yeah. For what we need to do today. It looks small for the day?

Wait, what do you mean? The kind of day we're gonna have. I mean, you don't know the theme song and you don't know what people normally, the kind of conceit of the show is that people bring us like. Treats? Pastries and like.

Pastries and like just like. Muffins and tea cakes. Personal items and things that. Pettyfours. Yeah, it's sort of a show and tell type situation where people like present things to us that are all in the kind of like. Symbols of themselves.

I was not prepared. But in the kind of treaty realm. Treats and yeah. Cro-nuts and cruffins and Christ greens. I did have a blueberry muffin, but I ate it. Cro-cressaunt. Cro-cressaunt. Does this advertise you?

Cro-cron. Now tell me about this little, does this go, is this in case a mic, a microphone comes your way that you need to put a windscreen on? Your peas are popping too much out in the world? That's my portable pop screen. Okay. What a little cutie this is.

No keys on that thing. And this is for you. Ah-ha. Individual lashes. And now we're getting somewhere. So these are not free triple flares. Right. And I bet they're not free.

I bet they cost you a pretty penny, huh? They did, they were like $2.95. Okay, well I don't wanna know. And those are? Those are individual eyelashes. Eyelashes, and you're going through one of those a day. One of these, not one lash, but a whole pack day Not a whole pack because you are out here batting you're batting a thousand out here Thank you, and they say please we give up trying to get the fuck out send the send the lefty in

Right. Yeah, it's interesting. We don't I'm trying to cook up a little breeze with my call to the bullpant We don't record obviously our greetings with the guests. By the time we're recording, we've all done all our sort of formalities. But we do introduce ourselves with butterfly kisses. And we do put our lashes up against one another's cheeks and just sort of let them go crazy. And so for someone like you, it's difficult

because they're flying everywhere and we gotta keep replacing them. And so, you know, it took us a while. I mean, what time did you get here? At 4 a.m. Mm-hmm. And right now it's? 7 p.m.

Yeah. So that's a pretty big header on just getting to even hearing the song. Right. Which you got to hear a little bit of now. I think it's gorgeous. Thank you. You're welcome.

Imagine telling Elvira to bat her lashes. Oh my gosh, well, yeah, she'd rather lash her bats. Stand back. You'd rather lash her bats, don't you think? Because she loves the macabre. Yeah, so it's both bats and whipping punishment on the bad bats. Yeah, the mistress of the dark.

Telling Elvira that, you could tell Cassandra Peterson that. Yes. See, there's a difference. And here's what you need to tell her. Please. Take a walk, it's mean now. Beat it. You're the new?

No, you, sorry. Well, oh. I don't know how. Oh. You want me to say it's me now. Beat it. You're the new? No, you, sorry. Well, oh. I don't know how. Oh. You want me to say it's me now. I could see why you thought that I was telling you to go to Cassandra Peterson and tell her, take a walk, it's Hayes now.

It's Hayes, Hayes is now Elvira. Now that you mention it, I was genuinely thinking you should do it, but now that you mention it, I do think I should do it. Mm-hmm. You know what's funny? I did one of those, this is hilarious. Okay, I love to laugh.

Thank you so much for setting it up. Whenever somebody starts out with you know what's funny. It's funny. I just sit back and then this is hilarious. Get ready to giggle. Like you're gonna hurt. I can finally take a break on the show cause I'm tired today.

You're going. And so many people on here are just saying crap. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here? If like you even know it's not funny. Well buckle up, okay? Okay, okay. I did a star tour. That makes me think that you think that like driving

a car is hilarious. You know what I mean? Yes. The way I drive. Because the way you said buckle up for something hilarious. It means buckle up because we're gonna take a roller coaster ride.

Okay. Buckle up doesn't mean car, it means we're getting in the roller coaster, we're clicking in. Yeah. Should I say click in? Click in, yeah. Click in.

Make sure that your... Bar is nice and tight around your hips. Yes. Should I say clicking? Clicking, yeah. Clicking. Make sure the your. Bar is nice and tight around your hips. Yes. Low and tight. Yes. Okay. So I was on a star tour. Hands and feet inside.

A top, top. They don't say anything about your tongue. They say keep your hands inside. Just let that thing go. Hands and feet inside but, okay, but something you didn't mention and I'm not breaking any rules right now. Bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah.

Oh, I thought you were talking about something else. Oh God, come on. Well, I'm just saying, they didn't say it. Oh my God. They didn't mention. Even Elvira's like. Just like earmuffs. That's a little bit.

A little ass. Titty muffs. I work blue, but. God. Can I tell you my hilarious thing? I don't know. You did a Star Tour. I did a Star Tour.

You did a Star Tour. As 3PO. What? Star Tours is the name of a famous ride at Disneyland. Star Wars Tour. You're right, I'm thinking of Star Wars Tour. Star Wars Tour. You're right, you're right.

I did a Star Wars Tour. I think of Star Wars tours. Yes. I just did the Hollywood stars tour. This is actually not a funny story. Start hours. It's actually kind of sad. Start hours. Start hours. When you get in trouble, you're like, hey, we didn't see any stars

in this whole thing. Well, you should look at the side of the truck. It's a start hours. Have you guys ever thought about doing a tour for your podcast? No. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead.

No. Go ahead. You? You. We need an idea though, and that might be it. Okay. So the answer is no, but we do need an idea. I think you invest in a double decker.

Uh-huh. Wrap. Why stop there? Okay, triple. A triple decker. Okay, well that's like a great idea. You want a two and a half decker? You want a two and a half decker.

You want a little bit extra on the back with a hot tub in it? It has like a, yeah, a little like a swing on the top. A lover's swing. I was, yeah. Right? Yeah, there's a a swing on the top. A lover's swing. I was, yeah. Right? Yeah, there's a porch. You say like you watch.

Between the two decks, there's a little porch on the side. Where you can drink tea. I'm not gonna dictate to people what they can drink. I don't know if they have like a medical condition where tea is bad for them. So I'm not gonna be like, oh, you know what, you're not allowed on the porch if you can't have tea.

That's like not how we run our tours. I don't know what you've heard. I don't know what conditions. I think you can have tea with any condition. Not if you have high tea. Patty Guggenheim, ableist. No. Okay.

Unbelievable. John and I are insanely high tea and so if we have another drop of tea, that's gonna put us way over the top. Forget it, man. Yes. That tea was so neutral. Okay, I'm in trouble.

So I was on a star tour and we were going around the city and I liked to make it a little bit of a fun drinking game. Don't tell them, but I had stuck some drinks on and made it like so every time they said this, you drink. Not the drink that you just disparaged. Not tea, it was not tea. Okay.

So not twisted tea it sounds like. But you're on twisted metal and yet. Okay, so you're obsessed with tea, you talk about it all the time, you're on twisted metal, but you didn't bring twisted tea. Okay, okay, feels like a missed opportunity, but keep going. So I was on the thing.

Opportunity with the T-E-A-A. Oh, opportunity. Oh my God, the case. Here lies your opportunity. Golden opportunity. Golden opportunity. Did you say here lies your opportunity? Here lies your opportunity. So it's a tomb tea. Did you say here-wise your opportunity? Here-wise your opportunity. So it's a tombstone.

You have to lay down. So it's a cemetery. Wait, this is so good. It's a cemetery. An Elvira. It's a cemetery tea. Oh, Elvira. Elvira. Elvira.

It's a cemetery tea. You drink it in the cemetery. Tea-um-stone. That was a stretch. Elvira's there. Yeah. Tombstone.-Oom-stone. That was a stretch. No virus there. Yeah. T-Oom-stone, T-Oom-stone. T-Oom-stone.

Okay. You're on the bus. The bus. And we, you guys, this actually, I don't wanna tell this story at all. Patty, Patty, tell me this. Are you one of them ones that likes the back of the bus? Cause the driver can't see you getting up to mischief.

I think you know. I think you know that already. I do like the back of the bus. Big rig comes by. Honk, honk. Get your buns out. Smash them on the window. Little press pan.

Come on. Smash them on there. Yes. Smash burger. Absolutely. Yes. Smash burger. Absolutly. Just. Yes. The really hot window.

Pounding the ham against the window. The edges are getting crispy. This hot window. This ain't pressed, man. Yeah, just keep it pressed. Okay, so I'll just say it. The driver says, no, no, no. The driver.

The driver, no, no, and then they crash. What choice do they have? Okay, please cancel me. So I'm on the bus and we go by. You know when I do a pressed ham on some of these guys? I know. And they get there, siren up, put it right on top of the car because they were undercover truck police.

I know. It was a truck police car. When I hit them with the press hand, it was supposed to be fun for everyone. The truck falls down and it says police truck. Police big rig. It was like that? Yes.

They had sides that fall? And it just pulls up in front of my car. I'm driving the car while I do a press hand. How do you do the pedals? Huh? The pedals are the least of my concerns, honestly. the car while I do a press pan. How do you do the pedals? Huh? The pedals are the least of my concerns honestly, because at least my hands and face are down there.

Oh, okay. The pedals are actually the real easy part. The wheel becomes a little bit more difficult. Okay, so ham on window, hands on pedals. Yes, and then siren goes up top, I get the whoop whoop, truck pulls in front of me. Folds down a ramp for me to just drive directly into the police big rig, there's a jail in there.

It's a paddy wagon. Jail for a car. For my patties. Yeah. Yeah. Get them in there. You hit the double patty against the window. Two all beef patties.

Roll it in the paddy wagon. Roll them right in there. Damn. That's why they call it that. Paddy melt. It rolling right in there. That's why they call it that. Patty melt. It's hot in there. So I was on the top of this bus and they drove by the Groundlings,

which is a place where I perform. And I was wondering when, okay, 1231, we got the Groundlings dropping in here. Oh my God. All you Groundlings. Held out longer. That's a new world record. I owe you 50 bucks. Oh my God. All you groundlings. That's a new world record. I held out longer, I owe you 50 bucks. Oh stop.

It was double digits. I said no way she makes it past minute nine. Well strike it from the cast and you know what? Edie Patterson when she was in here, you can hear at the beginning of the recording she's just going, dlings. Yeah. No.

She already started it even before the record started, dllings. That was the first time she brought it up. That was the first time. Mm-hmm. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. And I don't get embarrassed.

That's never our goal. That's an ar-gous. You know what doesn't ever make me feel embarrassed? The groundlings, because I feel very free there. Very safe up there. Free on stage. No, people definitely don't seem embarrassed. Free to fail.

Yes, believe me. Free to fail. Yes, believe me. Free to fail. It shows. Free. Yes, no one seems embarrassed. I say, wow, those guys are not embarrassed at all. And they should be. They seem unable to be embarrassed.

And they should be. God damn. Should or shouldn't, but it's definitely not. It's not my place to say, but what I'm seeing is like a lot of confidence. You can't mention a groundling like Elvira and not expect it to come up. Hollywood handbook.

Hollywood handbook. Do you wanna hear the story? Yeah, oh yeah. Okay, so we're on top of the bus. On top of the bus and we pass the groundling. Sure. And we all know. Who's here, like who, like what's the occasion?

Like who's with you? Who's the crew? It was my boy. Because you said we all know. Who's here? Like who are, like what's the occasion? Like who's with you? Who's the crew? Because you say we a lot. I know, I was just saying how I don't like this. Yes. I hate it. But you're saying it after you had done it a couple times. I guess I do it so many times.

I hate it when people say, well, we were doing this. Because you're just talking to people. Because I know it wasn't me. Exactly. You're saying I'm talking to this one person, who's the we? Now we have to figure out someone else in the equation. So I'm sorry that I did that here.

I'm being like a representative of you. So let's do roll call. Patty. Who's that? My ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend. Okay, so. That's it.

Is he a ground link as well? Gotta be. He was, yeah that's it. Is he a ground link as well? Gotta be he was yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh god. I should never have gotten into that fucking place I should never have gotten into that place Unbelievable something in the water inside that groundlings building. I'll tell you what. I should go And in the sink and in the toilet I'll tell you what. I should go. And in the sink and in the toilet. I'll tell you what. I should really go.

Okay, so we're on the thing. It's his birthday. I made a fun drinking game. Wow. Ex-boyfriend? I know. That is your birthday? Oh God. Star Tours birthday party.

It was just us. Yeah. And nobody else was on the tour. And they had to kind of talk about the city and like everything going on in the city. And then we passed the groundlings and we were like, ooh, this will be good. And they mention it.

And then- This will be a laugh. They're gonna try to explain the groundlings to us. No, that wasn't the funny stuff. Two of the premier performers. No, that was- Oh, this'll be good. Oh, God, this is so bad.

This is embarrassing, because, oh, God. Let's pretend we don't even know. Oh. What do they do here? No, I'm just saying. Actually. Yes. No, I'm just saying. No, I'm just saying.

No, I'm just saying. No, I'm just saying. I hate you, I hate you. Just springing your devious trap on the poor unsuspecting Star Tours employee. Interesting, I didn't mean to. That's a birthday present to you. Correct a tour guide aggressively. Listen, I didn't know we were going to pass it on the tour, okay?

They didn't list the places you were going to pass. It was just supposed to be a fun experiment, a sundown tour, we're going through the city, okay? And then we were on Melrose and I was like, this will be fun. So we go, I hate you. I hate you and you. I get that so much on this show, yeah.

We should make a montage. And off the show, yeah. We should get a little montage of all the times. Do you think. It's coming up more. Okay. Something has happened for me. Well, it's okay. Okay, it's not just the polo. It's a lot. Yeah, yeah, okay. Mack Weldon polo. I don't usually wear it. Okay. Well, so we're on the thing and we go past this place and I was like, oh who are they gonna mention? And they said, the home of Elvira. And then they kept going.

And then, not that it was like, are you guys being serious? No, that's a very funny coincidence. That's a good story. There's a huge- Stop, you guys are lying. There's a huge number of names that they could have said that are way more notable. And the fact that it ties exactly in

with something we were already talking about. I hate you guys. I think it's cool. I hate you. No, this is another issue that I have, Patty. And this is our curse. Click out, buckle out. When we're so desperate.

When we're so desperate to do that. I'm gonna buckle out and get out of here. And share a moment with someone. Patty, I legitimately think it is a good story. And no, I cannot convince people that I'm being sincere when I try to. Okay, it's king midas. And I don't know, and maybe you can help me with that. I'll believe you, I do believe you.

Because I like. I trust you, how about that? When I am being sincere, people assume that I'm being sarcastic all the time, and it has made me even more unlikable than you already thought I was. It's King Midas for comedy gold. I'm not gonna close it.

Why? It's a little too intense for me. Okay. I just like that you're being sincere, it's nice. I'm trying, just for a second. Okay. Because I did like the story. I think that that saying, oh, by which nice. And I wanna- I'm trying, just for a second. Okay. Cause I did like the story. I think that them saying,

Oh, fire is amazing. But this is, can you imagine the burden that this is to bear? Where like, people just- Oh, for him. For him. I know. When you're trying to connect someone and people just think that you're like,

They'd say, I hate you. And then they laugh. With your, like, incisive comedy. Now also, when I go to make a sarcastic joke, the opposite will happen, where I kind of like pretend that I like something that I don't and then people will just assume that I really like it. So it's never what I want.

Like it's never good. But. But, hey. Here we are making a cast. Free polo shirt. Free polo shirt. We're all doing just fine. They don't give this to somebody who's able

to kind of deliver their intended tone. That's right. This is from 5Four Clothing, which is a defunct brand. It was one of these like clothing in a box. Do they also give you that for free? Yes. It's a members only style. But they don't come get it when the thing goes defunct.

You get to keep it. They can't come collect it. Because you got all your stuff on it. Yeah, I rub it all over my face. I'm not sure you're gonna want it back. I say, it's all ears. Yeah. I've been groundling my hiney up against this thing

is what you say. Yeah. But free clothes are nice. So he says, it's my birthday, and you say I've got a surprise for you? Yeah, I was trying to make it a fun event, like let's make it a drinking game. And then when they mention.

Yeah, what was the game? It was kind of like I made a thing that was like, oh, when they mention, you know, when they say world famous, or whatever, then you'll drink. Yeah. What are we packing? So the rules are loose.

I can't remember, this was years and years ago. Oh. Can I put my feet on them? Oh yeah. Ship has sailed. Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Yeah.

You have a hip flask. Kevin, just make a note that they do need to clean the table after this recording, just because she did put her feet on. And dust those grapes. Tell them. Okay. She's basically crop dusting the grapes. I am.

These are pretty dirty shoes actually. I should take them off. Here. What are we dealing with there? These? Thank you. We've been trying to get a shoes off thing going. Oh, you do?

Oh yeah. No, I can't. Oh yeah. Okay, well. Scott Ockerman, who you know. Yeah. Was just in here. Yes, I love him.

And so like, his piggies were so caged up that PETA was getting involved. They said these piggies were so caged up that PETA was getting involved. They said these piggies need to be set free and it's like he would not let the piggies roam. It's true, he refused and they had to call PETA in. And you know, he has a young child and when he tried to teach it,

like this little piggy went to market. It was like this little piggy went to market and then all the rest of the piggies suffocated to death. And that's how they have to learn that. And the piggy came back from the market and saw his dead family. Yeah, came home and found the rest of his family dead. Murder, suicide. Uh-huh.

God. Yeah, and then he killed himself with something he got at the market. The market was actually at the market. Oh. The market was actually a gun market. And this is like, I mean, you know, it's upsetting. I don't think God's child's gonna be okay. We're laughing, it's upsetting.

Yes, well you think about like, when I learned it, it's like I learned this huge scope of experience because the little piggies had all done these different things. And you think he could just do this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy also stayed home, this little piggy also stayed home. It was so much more.

They didn't just stay home, there was like a carbon monoxide incident or something. Which left the rest of the family to suffer. Yeah, this little piggy came back from the market, thought at first the other piggies were sleeping, and then was like, you know, it slowly dawned on that piggy that there was something very seriously wrong. Yeah. Yeah.

And then when he walked out of here, he was like squishing while he walked. So sweaty. Something, I don't know what was going on there. I don't know, blood. Because he didn't want me to know. Blood. Blood.

Blood. Blood. And is that not a blood sound inside a shoe? That's, ew, blood, yeah. Well, I'm just saying, you know what I mean? It's like, it's pretty gruesome. And it's like the freedom that we feel on this show to just, yeah, we take our shoes off, you know what I mean? I like it.

I like the vibe of it. And those are good, those are nice socks. Bombas is here. What about your socks? I mean, you're in. And those are good, those are nice socks. What about socks? I mean, on Rick Glassman's show. What are your socks? I don't know what these ones are, no, they're features. Features. Mm-hmm.

You would do great on Rick Glassman's show. What is it, what do we talk about, socks? It's called take your shoes off. I think it's called take your shoes off. Is it really to get comfortable? We're trying to move in on that. I don't know if they take their shoes off on it, do they? I don't know.

But we're kind of trying to move in on that territory a little bit. Okay, here we go. We're inching in. What's the company that makes the smiley face socks? I don't know. I think I got these, oh, I got these at that little slutty store called Brandy Melville.

You know? It's like for little. It is? It is. Well, actually, they're probably like even before, it's like for little teens. This is so inappropriate now. I thought it was like a whaling store.

I thought it was for like girl whalers. Yeah, I just assumed. Cause like she's like her dad is Herman Melville. Mm-hmm. But I guess she wants to like go the other way. And she's old. And she's old. Yeah, she's really old.

She's really, really old. Cause her dad is Herman Melville. She's old. Is it so bad I don't know who that is. That's so fine. You know what I mean? They didn't cover that on the Star Tours, huh? Or maybe you were so drunk.

I was pretty drunk by the time. Is he in the Hollywood Cemetery? So you're familiar, obviously, from the Star Tour with Moby the recording artist. Yes. Yes. And you're familiar with Andy Dick. Yeah, me from living in Hollywood. Who was sketching behind the start to work.

Yes. Perhaps was the one. To get him to fall off. The one describing the sights that you were seeing. Right, he was looking at, yeah. Said Elvira and just fully passed out at the wheel. Elvira and me. Ha ha ha. passed out at the wheel. Elvira and me. But Herman Melville created a character

sort of at the confluence of those two personalities. Okay. I'm just telling you. What's the character? What's the character? Yeah. He, well. His is doing something of a cryptic crossword.

It was the time, it was a long time ago, so the character is white, as many characters were then. Uh-huh. And sort of a. Yeah, there's a little, I guess the book, it's a novel, it does a bit of body shaming. Is it Moby Dick? A little body shaming.

Yeah, there is, it is Moby Dick. So yeah, they do call him a whale, pretty much through the whole entire thing. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Hey, me neither. Hey.

Look, this show's not about knowing, okay? This is like, this is. It's just a vibe. We're vibing. It's like before Google and before AI. Like we don't know if anything's real or what, like we can't look it up. So I have to trust you.

We just got a role. And isn't it nice to like let that go? And just not for just one second, not be. This is how we used to live. Look, I'm a 90s kid. We're in the gray area. That's what we used to live. Look, I'm a 90s kid. We're in the gray area. This is what we used to do. Ah, yeah, that's nice.

We used to just vibe. Vibe. You just go, I wonder. Go outside, drink from the hose. You know, I wonder who wrote a book and then you just go like, I don't know. I don't know. Let's think about it or not.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, drink from the hose, right? That was nice. And then you drink from the spigot at the park. Oh, go out and play. Astro Vibe Celsius. Death water.

From the hose. What's that called? Death water, that's what it's called. Yeah. Death water. What is it? Yeah. Huh?

Yeah. That's what it's called. I know. I know. Like, it used to be a hose. It used to be, we didn't always have a hose. There was a spigot behind the old baseball. Yes.

In the park. You just go turn on the spigot. Straight out of that. Just wrap your lips around that metal spigot. Let it rip. Yeah. Yeah. And ooh, it would sting.

God, it would sting. It had so cold. Sharp drops hit in the back of your throat. Yeah. Got gracious. Oh, and yeah, cold would sting. Yeah, it's so cold. Sharp drops hit in the back of your throat. Yeah. God gracious. Oh, and yeah, cold or hot. Both. Wasn't up to me.

Was it in the sun? The beginning is hot because it was sitting in the high o's. First, yeah. And then it's ice cold. Mm-hmm. The first couple drops are hot and then too cold, you know?

We're saying the opposite. That was your option. Yeah, I know. It was nice. It was nice. And then you'd go out. You didn't have all these choices. It wasn't like what kind of death water do you write? You know, like do you want sparkling death water? Raspberry yeah, but it wouldn't be called raspberry would it be called, you know some kind of death Barry, right? Yes, wouldn't it? Yes. Yeah Remember just going out and not coming home?

Literally yes. Not just never coming home. Literally yes. Remember just going and then you might get in trouble. We were just out. But what were they gonna do? Take your- Like kick us out of the house?

We already left the house. Take your markers away? Like what are they gonna do? You can't watch PBS. Oh my God, my markers. Fine. Yeah. I've been burying extra ones in the yard

for exactly this situation. That's all I've been doing. Bing, bing, right? Yeah. Now remember just being out. Yes. Just indefinitely. Yes, it was so nice.

Just walking down by the railroad tracks, watch the muskrats swim around, maybe throw them a couple hot dogs. Fishing. Just fishing. Oh, we would take, are you trying to get something on track now? Were you looking at something to get-

I'm just interested in you finishing your Star Tour story. I just feel like it's kind of, I feel like there's some details left on mention. You said you brought a hip flask. Hip flask, what was in it? So we know it wasn't twisted tea, missed opportunity. I think it was some kind of lemon shake up.

Like lemon. Lemon shake up. Like a lemon. Me, oh my. Hey, so. Like a lemon. That's the kind of thing you include when you tell the story.

Like that's what we would have, you know, like the Indian estate fair kind. It's like a lemon in the kinda cold with vodka probably. Isn't the Indian estate famously unfair? Huh? Isn't the Indian estate famously unfair? Oh yeah, for sure. Okay, go ahead, go ahead.

We shouldn't have gotten into that at all. Give me a lemon shake up, I'll be in a state that's not very fair. Right, you need it. I'll be in a very unfair state. You need it. You need it to get through. Whoa.

Hollywood handbook. Whoa. Hollywood handbook. And the boyfriend is there, the ex-boyfriend. Who is this, Oscar Nunez? I'm not gonna name names. Come on, we're not gonna get into that. Just say it's Oscar Nunez? I'm not gonna name names. Come on, we're not gonna get into that. It's a person who's probably still in her life,

they probably gotta do Groundlings shows together. And now the idea that like, this new. She got his ass booted out of the fucking Groundlings, you're gonna have to say his name, Jesus Christ. I'm not gonna say, it's gonna dig up some stuff. Yeah, come on man, this woman's been through a trauma. She's been, we're making her relive the Star Tours experience.

Because he's on. The only birthday she ever planned for someone. He's on the new. Didn't know it was gonna go by the groundlings. Didn't know the route. Didn't know. I didn't know. More thought into the lemon shake up

than the actual events. That's right. And the, you know, fun drinking game part. They're doing this new office, and it's like Oscar is in it. Yes. But it's all a big secret. Oh, we and it's like, Oscar is in it. Yes. But it's all a big secret. Oh, we can't talk about how Oscar's in it. We can't talk about Oscar.

Oh no, we don't know that Oscar's in it. Well, it might put some fucking eyeballs on the screen. Go ahead. Yeah, no. Paper? Paper? It's something about paper, isn't it? Yeah.

Or is it not paper anymore? It is something about paper. Is it? Are you Googling? If I did, the Jack Boots would be kicking the door in. Yeah. Okay. Because you mustn't Google about the new paper. You simply mustn't.

No. And they got to you too, obviously, and said no stories out of school about our Oscar. Don't tell any Oscar Nunez star tour dating stories. Don't mention that. It wasn't Oscar. Patty Gug up on the Star Tour. Don't mention that. It wasn't Oscar. Patty Gugelheim. Thank you.

I love it. I mean, you're welcome, because I did say that a minute ago. Yeah, and I got a big sniff from Kevin. I missed it. Kevin, some people do like an exhale, like a nose exhale. Kevin does a big, big sniff.

You should get a mic just right on his. Like he's rooting for truffles. I mean, he's got one, it's right there. You can't pick it up as well as the people at home can. And he, I mean, he can smell him listening in the car at this point. I like to do that to my cats. Yeah, so talk about how many cats,

talk about their names, and talk about why you are sniffing them. Is this when you're trying to like find info for a guest to talk about? No. No. I don't believe you. Their little behaviors. So it's two cats, I just have fostered one that I am can keep.

And then. Ben Foster? Yes, his name's Steve Little. Erin and Sarah Foster? Ah, Steve Little. I know them. Is he big? He's little.

One cat I've had for a while, his name's J.W. Stink. It's funny. The convention often is like big guy named Tiny or whatever. So you got Little Cat, you name it Steve Little. We're really narrowing down this ex-boyfriend by the way. It's not Steve Little. That's how we're narrowing it down. Every person I mention that I'm still talking about.

We wouldn't have never got that. Not after what happened at the end of the Star Tour. Okay. Okay, so JW Stink is so cute. And really fluffy, big, big tail. He doesn't like being named that. JW Stink? He hates that. He lovesink? He hates that. He loves it.

He goes, I'm tiny and stinky. Yeah, I have a bad boy named Stinky. He says, you don't have to name me that. I'm Stinky. Come on, man. He loves it. Maybe something on the fluffy tail. Maybe we focus on that.

No, he loves this. I'm telling you. He loves it. And then the new one is Corn Cobb, sometimes Miss Piggy, and then Steve Little, sometimes. Is there a three total? There are two cats. Two cats?

With a lot of names. With a lot of names. Yeah. That's like a logic puzzle. That would be a good story. Or there's two, I just fostered one that I'm keeping. And then I heard like four or five more names. We've had the one, we, and then,

and then there is a little one that just came to town. Very little. Mm-hmm. That's Steve Little. That's Steve Little. Yeah. People don't let us in like this, you know? Isn't it true? It's Steve Little. That's Steve Little. Yeah. People don't let us in like this, you know? Isn't it true?

It's so nice. No, it's always so many walls up. You've really welcomed us into the home. I love that. I feel like I'm doing Vogue 73 questions. Oh. It's starting to feel that way to me. Do you think you're gonna lose your cool sponsors?

You know what? A lot of them are already gone. Okay. Talk about Five five four clothing went belly up Maybe because they worked with us Mac well, and I haven't heard from them and and the shirts go belly a dog age Just sort of without warning the shirts will just go belly all the way up. Yeah, the five four clothing shirts. Yeah like those old blinds you just pull the bottom and it's like snaps up really fast. Rattata, rattata, rattata, rattata, up at the top.

That's how the shirts go. Those are how they go. Oh, they actually do that or they're going? No, like they actually do that. They flip up. People say what that shirt do, is if it Like is responding to that prompt like it springs upward like yes. Yeah

That's the blinds did that when you were We weren't 90s kids well mine would did like a But yours did like a but yours did like a Blinds that well you pull the bottom and they like snap up Yeah, rip around the top you're talking about the ones that were kind of like that with the cord I'm thinking of a blind neighbor that was tasting me My blind yes She's blind so that's how she you know, yeah Am I blind? Yes, neighborhood. Tsk tsk. Ah. So handsome. Yes. Ah, some facial hair is coming in. Yeah, very, very flattering to have that kind of encounter.

Twisted metal, who's your guy? Oh God. Who's your guy? Who's my guy? Yeah, twisted metal. Who's the guy in there, which one for you? That I'm taking on a star tour? Yeah, Twisted Metal, which guy are you? Who's the guy in there, which one for you? That I'm taking on the Star Tour? No, sorry. You just wanna tell us

so badly. No, I don't. Just do it. Come on. How could you think that him saying, Twisted Metal, who's your guy on there, that we're talking about the Star Tour guy that we don't even care about? That I'm talking about some Star Tour ex whose name you're like craving saying on mic.

I'm not. Yeah, good, fine. Who's your guy on there? Who is my guy? Everyone on the show has a guy that they are like controlling and moving around. Twisted Metals of video games. My guy is a car named Shadow.

My guy is a car named Shadow. And my guy is a girl named Raven. I will say, with what's happening in this industry, I think it's really smart for you to expand your range and say like, I will go on this show and be a car. Yes. And the executives watching that, who are saying like. I wanna be a car with lashes.

Mm-hmm. Big, big lashes. Mm-hmm. Weirdly not, the fact that they're over the windshield wipers instead of the headlights. Mm-hmm. And that you flap the eyelashes by like the windshield wipers going,

it's not reading to me. It's not? The way that's not, I think they could have been. When I imagine a car having lashes, Yeah. I'm so fucking stupid, I assume they're gonna go over the headlights, like the headlights are the eyes.

And so it definitely expanded my mind, and yet, it feels like a missed opportunity sometimes because it's not looking like anything. And the headlights are nostrils. And I only know that from like reading the episode description, which I was not expecting to get that information from there on my streaming platform.

Pretty exhaustive fan wiki too about like, yeah, the sinus structure of the car. Yes, yes. But I would never, I would never have known the fact that the headlights are nostrils. The headlights are the nostrils, the blinkers are the, that's where all the attitude comes from. That's when you know.

That actually did read. And now I listen to my car do that and I'm like, get out of here. Come on, witcho sassy ass. Yeah. Patty, you go so effortlessly into sound effects. Oh, thank you. I mean, it really is a strength for you.

Thank you. Is this some of what we can expect on the show, just to pedal? Yes, a lot of sound effects. Mostly sound effects. I think it's my favorite way of communicating. That's what I'm picking up as well. Was that one of the... Yeah.

So I don't wanna take back the sound effects compliment, but like... Wait a minute. The uh-huh. I don't know if that was supposed to be like a car horn or something. Yeah, it was a horn. That was a soft horn. But like...

Someone turning on the radio and a song is ending where someone says, uh-huh. It's a soft, soft horn. But like, someone turning on the radio and a song is ending where someone says, uh-huh. It's a soft, soft horn. Oh. Okay, now that you've established this identity, I just feel like you have to be bringing it every single time. Okay.

You know? Huh, huh! Is it better? That was, yeah. That was pretty good. It was better. Sorry, yes, that's right. It That was pretty good. It was better. Sorry, yes, that's right. It was not pretty good.

It was better than the last one though. I really, you can't take back the compliment, please. I need that. I really don't want to. And I've said I don't want to. Okay, all right. So we're on the same page about like, that's the last thing we.

Nope, I wanna find a way. Well then I'll take it. And I'll keep running. These are not sound effects. I wanna find a way. Well then I'll take it and I'll keep running. These are not Sour Effect. I wanna find a way to make the compliment work for all of us. Is that running? That was running in a little heel.

Okay. Oh come on. Does it have like little ball bearings in it or something? No, it has little, it's a kitten heel, but it's a skinny skinny stiletto kitten. And Steve Little's like, hey, Steve Little kitten, stiletto, Steve Little, sort of. Sort of.

Come on. Come on now. Yeah, it's a little bit of gravel. What did you wanna talk about? On this? Yup. I mean, you came here. Yeah. Oh. It's your time. I mean you came here. Yeah, oh

It's your time. I just wanted to really get in. I mean I like talking about food Okay, okay, so you eat your cats No, talk about your kittens cuz like you there. They're your food and you eat them. You definitely brought it up. Yeah This is getting convoluted. Cough, cough, cough. I don't eat them. And that's not why I have to keep fostering. Okay, so this won't serve as any kind of legal record for you, just so you know.

Like if you saying that on a podcast doesn't indemnify you from any kind of like authorities. Okay. I just want that to be clear. Do you know who I need to talk to to do that? Oh, wow. This came flying right back at me, huh? This is why I said,

I'm not gonna get involved in the podcast today. Come on. I said, I'm tired. It's not a sound effect. Yeah, it is. No, it is not. Yes involved in the podcast today. Come on. I said, I'm tired. It's not a sound effect. Yeah, it is. No, it is not. Yes, it is. It's a voice.

It's not a sound effect. It's a cartoon character's voice. Yes, it's a voice, a man. Under like a grate on the street, like, come on. Sound effects are not men. They are. I don't know how to articulate this to you. Though they are not.

This is why it didn't work with Star Tours guys. You just see men as sound effects. They're just little sound effects to you. We're actually human beings. You know, we have trouble expressing it, but we actually have feelings. Hi, I'm Shawn. No, okay.

Shawn is not a sound effect. No, no, no, no, I'm Hay. That's Hay. No, no. That is the difference in our voices, I am both. Husky kind of smoky, sultry male femme fatale type. I guess, yeah.

You're the new James Bond. Where do... We have talked about that. Oh, is it me? Yeah, we have talked about that. Well, we were thinking it would be both of us. Both of us. Oh, yeah. Yeah. James and Bond. Yeah, we have talked about that. Well, we were thinking it would be both of us. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. James and Bond. Yeah, James and Bond. The names Bond. The names are Bond. Names are Bond. James and Bond. That's right.

You get it. The names Bond, James and Bond. He's Bond. And we're pretty bonded. You can use that. We probably will. Okay. It's a long process.

The kitties sleep together? Denis has his own. Could he snuggle up? Yeah, they, no, not yet. The kitties do, no? Not yet. Yeah, because one's new. They sleep on the bed, but separate.

Yeah. Any pets? Not today, thanks. Not yet. Yeah, because one's new. They sleep on the bed, but separate. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Any pets? Not today, thanks. Bye. Broom, broom. Hello. Hollywood handbook.

That was a Head Gum podcast. Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I have a new podcast on Head Gum called Next We Have. Now this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone. I mean, you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, but don't, because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works. Next We Have is very simple.

Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge yelp reviews for callers who had bad experiences with the business. The Dough Boys play a game called Meal or No Meal, and Stef Tolov and I go head to head on a thought-provoking game called Guess That Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds and we probably have more fun than we should, but it's a great time and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next We Have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.