Hollywood Handbook - Paul F. Tompkins Again, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

After a week hiatus, Sean and Hayes are back to discuss what they did with their time off and examine the top fails of last year. Then, podcast legend PAUL F. TOMPKINS stops by as the first ever repeat guest  to analyze the highlights of 2014, explain the rules of "Riddle Me This", and talk about the perks of being a nerd.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. can't make it okay and so it comes to the part of the party where like he's gonna perform and he sits down and he's doing the like the song you know like he's doing this song and everyone's like kind of enjoying it and then you just hear from like kind of behind the couch yeah you hear like hey james how about a little something for the boys and then you hear like the boomer do you did it like the what i got the beginning what i got and so i get like i get up and i start playing that and you know like i can do the beginning of that song on the guitar yes and then he kind of jumps in and then it gets to the part where it says like i can play the guitar like a riot. And that's where I start to kind of, like, mess up. Start messing that up pretty bad.

But then he takes the guitar for that part. And then he's bailing you out. I mean, he's a professional musician. That's not what you do for a living. For you, that's just fun. So, yes, to learn the whole song. And they understood that. And so then he gives it back to me when it goes back into the normal part.

Yeah. And it was a nice party. This was five, six years ago. I actually couldn't make it, you know. Like you said you couldn't make it and I actually couldn't make it. And I think because you showed up, people kept waiting for me i i assumed that you were gonna jump in on yes yes people were sort of always expecting me to just suddenly they were all like checking like on the on top of the chandelier i was looking over to the or they're crawling down to the push open kitchen door you

know that kind of like back door to the kitchen that he has. Because I thought you'd just be able to kind of like just burst through that in such an interesting way. Yes, and then I was going to go like, she's so high, high above me. She's so lovely. And I was going to do that. You were going to do that, yeah. Yes, but I actually, I got stuck in the basement. I was locked to do that. You were going to do that, yeah. Yes, but I actually got stuck in the basement. I was locked in the basement.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. For a number of weeks. Yes, that was too bad because you had said as your excuse that you were going to travel around the world. And so when nobody saw you for two weeks, everyone assumed that you were where you said you were going to travel around the world and so when no when nobody saw you for two weeks everyone assumed that that's that you were where you said you were going to be yes quite the opposite though i wasn't going to around the world no the opposite of that to me is to just be in the basement and he

had some jars of um peach preserves and i was sort of just eating solely that. He is your dad? You said he had some jars of... Oh, this was not in your basement. You were in his basement. No, my basement would be a dream. I have all kinds of supplies down there. I have one of those earthquake kits. But no, James... I was at James Blunt's basement.

You were going to pop out of the... I was going to pop out of there. And go, she likes me for me. Not because I am like Leonardo. And I was going to do she likes me for me. Hey. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names. In the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz.

We took a break. We took a one-week hiatus, which I understand. And we have to follow up with them on this because my checks, there was a break. Is there a break in your checks? Yeah, I'm direct deposit now. Oh, okay.

I still looked. I like to hold them. I like to hold them up to the light and just make sure everything is okay. And there was a week difference like they're like they missed a week and i'm wondering if they think that was an unpaid week right that we took off or if what it is actually supposed to be like we get seven weeks of paid hiatus every year that carries over paid. That carries over. That carries over.

Because, yes, we didn't do it last year, which means that then we should have 14 weeks. This year we have 14 weeks of paid hiatus. Yeah. And so we should be getting them every, I don't know if it's a processing thing for them. We took that one, so we only have 13 now. But I would like to stack up 52 weeks at some point and just take a whole year off. So call Sandra and you should get two next week. like to stack up 52 weeks at some point and just take a whole year off so call sandra and it it it you should get two next week yeah and i'll stay on it but yes uh we and we have a different

i mean we have a different split too i mean we get commissioned differently on this show no i know but just like whatever you whatever get, which I think is like... Yeah. Well, it was just because I fired my lawyer right before we took this gig just because I knew. Because you knew it was coming. I knew, and honestly, it's unfair to you in a way because I knew that your guy was going to negotiate a favored nations contract.

So it's going to be whatever you get, I guess. So effectively, he's working for you, but you don't have to pay him. Yes, which I thought was smart. And by you firing your lawyer first means that I can't, at this point, can't fire mine. Yes, no. Because then we wouldn't have any. I'll get another one, whoever. We, um...

What'd you do? Well, have I said what up, what up? No, we're not doing it this year Yeah, I think it's time to retire that People hate it Yeah, that's true, people are sick of it We never said what we were going to do over our time During break?

Yeah Well, I mean, I went around the world I took a hot air balloon and I raced Jackie Chan around the world. Because people, when you said you were going to do it. Well, then when everyone thought I did it and I was a little embarrassed to say that I was in the basement eating peaches. And so I would say that I did it. And then everyone would say, oh, I've got to see pictures. Let me see pictures.

I say, oh, we'll have you over the house. Me and Steffi will have you over the house. Yeah. You know, over her house. And I'll come over from my dad's house and we'll all look me see pictures. I say, oh, we'll have you over the house. Me and Steffi will have you over the house. Yeah. You know, over her house. And then I'll come over from my dad's house. And we'll all look at the pictures. But we didn't ever do that because, of course, there were none. And so I sort of used this as a way to cover up the snafu from James Blunt's birthday party six years ago.

And with Steffi, too. I meant because she doesn't know. No, no, no. I can't tell her. She'd be sliding those papers in front of me. The D word. She would divorce you if she found out. You were stuck that whole time.

It's the lying. Yes. It's really the lying. Yeah, I think it's that sets a precedent where it's like, well, what else has he lied about? And I don't want to say, but there's some big stuff. Getting stuck in a lot of. I've been stuck in some hiding spaces at some surprise parties for some great amounts of time.

You miss life events. Yeah, I've missed some big, I've missed some baby's christenings of my own children and some other – quite a few birthday parties, anniversaries, and court. But what did you do? I didn't even ask you. I traveled. I went to camp. There's a camp I've just kind of always gone to ever since being a little boy. Oh, archery and...

Sailing. It's a sailing camp. Yeah, they have archery. They have archery. And they used to have shooting with little 22s, and they would just teach you just like basic safety and things like that. Of course, you can't do that anymore. But I had already gotten up to cadet. Because of schools. I got up to cadet in that already, actually.

So went back there and just sort of got recertified and the different CPR, things like that. Did a swim test. And they've changed CPR now. Yes, it's way different. Oh, gosh. Well, I mean, rescue breaths are essentially a thing of the past. It used to be two rescue breaths and 30 compressions. And now you're doing 60 compressions for one rescue breath.

And I'll tell you the timing of the compressions, it's no longer the slow methodical pumping. And the way they say to remember it is the song staying alive apparently has the perfect beat to do the compressions to. So if you do that song, you're like, well, you can't tell by the way I use my walk. And that whole time you're just beating on that chest and you might break some ribs, but you might save a life.

And singing. It looks weird. People look like you're having a good time. Oh, yes. Well, it looks like you're having so much fun with this person who, you know, has had a heart attack and is dead. They got rid of the rescue breast because of SARS. Well, yeah. A lot of people were getting SARS. SARS. Well, yeah.

A lot of people were getting SARS. Well, almost half of Kentucky had SARS because they were all doing CPR on each other, on their cousins and whatever. And this is not to bash that town or the – what is it? What is it? It's a county, but it's like a republic. It's all from like the... Well, I'm not bashing on them, but they kind of ruin it for the rest of us because sometimes doing rescue breath

could be a nice way to meet a girlfriend. People were wondering about the year it fails. This thing that we do every year, we sort of call out the biggest fails of the year. We are going to do it. We're going to do it right now. Did you call this an insider's guide? I did.

I did do that, yes. And you missed that, and I guess that's why you didn't do the what up, what up. But that is good because we don't want to do that anymore. Well, okay. So every year we do the year it, what up. But that is good because we don't want to do that anymore. Well, okay. So every year we do the year in fails. Everyone's been emailing, this has to be a fail. This has to be a fail.

Well, you don't tell me what's a fail. I tell you, and that's the whole point. And so this, I think this carries over into part of last year too because if you remember, we accidentally did two in 2012. If you remember, we accidentally did two in 2012. Yeah. Remember that time we accidentally did? We just kind of did one in like late February.

Oh, we did the year in fails right away in January, and then we did a second year in fails. We did another one. We kind of forgot that we'd already done it, and we did it again. Yes. So some of that time that's not covered in last year i guess is is now covered by this one everything is covered so let's get right into it what are some fails that we can all agree were pretty big fails well the first year the first fail i think was casey anthony i thought she totally blew it yes i thought that she had a real opportunity. She completely messed up.

And she – She threw it all in the garbage can. And she really made a big mistake. And I remember even thinking at the time, I wish I could talk to her and just be alone with her for a little while. Because you can't trust her. And it really is the lying. Just be alone with her for a little while. Because you can't trust her.

And it really is the lying. Again, the thing is bad, but it's like once you lie about it, then it becomes, that makes it that much worse. Well, when you're talking to that person, you just are always thinking like, am I getting the real deal? Yes. Is this a snow job? Yes. Are you softening me up for something else? job yes are you are you softening me up for something else you know they're if you're making love with them or something and you're thinking oh is this like some sort of trade i'm involved in yes you know so that's i would say the number one fail of the year and these aren't in order

of like ascending or descending except the last one yes um so uh i guess I would have to say that a big fail to me, and I really think this was a fail, Ray Rice has to be one of the top fails. He blew it. You know, if he was an Indian chief, his name would be Make Em Big Mistake. Yes. Because he truly, and I can say that because I am one of the Native American, but he'd be Chief Make Em Big Mistake because that's exactly what he did. Yeah. He messed up. He did something that I thought was so bad, it made me say, forget it. Yes. thought was so bad it made me say forget it yes and when you do a fail like that it's really very bad and i don't think you should do it and it doesn't make me want to wear clothes of him anymore oh no and it doesn't make me want to see him oh and my fantasy team was ruined and it doesn't make me want to have him on the team and it doesn't make me want

to go to a event that he's holding and to be the main speaker the keynote speaker there and to go afterwards with him on a private jet and uh have a nice vacation with him and sometimes you know you are in a situation where you've already paid a certain amount of money to organize something like that, and it's not really worth backing out of, but you don't want to do it anymore because of the fail. Yes.

I would say if he were somebody, maybe a sex worker in Vietnam after that war, he would say, me messy up long time. Yes, and you can say that, of course. I can say that because... Because you worker in Vietnam after that war, he would say, me messy up long time. Yes, and you can say that, of course. I can say that because, yes, and I rescued a lot of POWs there afterwards that they said they had already set back, but they actually had not. So I had to go and get them out because they were still in jail. What are some other big fails? Oh, yes.

Ferguson. what are some other big fails oh yes ferguson what a huge mess up that was oh i think it stinks they blew it so bad over there and i hated watching it and every time you turn on the tv you say why would they even do this and people ask why we do these fail lists. And I like to say, well, who is actually talking about Ferguson and calling it a fail? Yes. And it takes loud voices like ours, unfortunately, to be able to say this truth. Because sometimes the voices that are saying it don't really get listened to.

Yes. And if they do a big screw up and nobody says that it was fail, then it makes it so fast that they come back and they do the same over again. Mm. Unless people come out and say, sorry, you failed and you don't get to, you have to get left back. Yes, and over again. But not do it the same way again because then you fail again. And another fail is Ryan Lewis,

and I really think he tried to steal the spotlight from Macklemore, and that's all I'm going to say about it. And Ryan Lewis, if you're listening, let Macklemore do the talking. That's the biggest. We saved that one because the nominee fails. You know how we set it up. We do the three nominee fails. Three runners up.

And then the actual fail. And then we do the actual fail of 2014. But I'm watching this one interview with Ryan Lewis, and I'm thinking, I'm sorry. Are you going to even let Macklemore talk? Now, of course, he wasn't at that function. But it's like, well, then don't go, because if you can't make it, then I don't want to just hear you.

So that pissed me off. And the other fail that's not a person these are all people really this is just a trend and it is of course the man session and this has been a problem going on for a while and obama doesn't want to deal with it so i'm gonna start giving men jobs because we're all trying to hire more women and great. Let's let them have the jobs, but not to the exclusion of me and my cronies. It's much better to have cronies who are gainfully employed because the first thing they do when they don't have a job anymore is they come to you with their hands out because they think that's why I'd be a crony. And they act like it's up to me and I don't have to clear with my dad. When really being crony is its own reward.

It's supposed to be. Crony 2016. Right, guys? And, of course, we did that one in a lot of our installments from last year. And because Kony is not a fail again this year, that doesn't mean we thought what he did was good or bad. We're not condoning any of his stuff. We're just saying, like, that wasn't the biggest fail this year, you know. All stuff like that, it's like people say, like, now I'm sure going to be like, oh, you didn't think, like, Boko Haram was a fail this year, you know. All stuff like that. It's like people say like now I'm sure going to be like,

oh, you didn't think like Boko Haram was a fail of this year. And it's like, of course, like things can be fails that just don't happen to make the biggest fails. Well, I'm getting emails, you know, still that are like, well, what about Crispus Attucks? Yes. You know, wasn't that a big fail when he got killed in the Boston Massacre? Yes.

And I'm saying, well, I wasn't there, number one. I don't know exactly what did happen. We don't know what happened. Some people did paintings of it. But I will say this about it. That, to me, is too old of a fail to be in the 2014 Fails Review. Who is this looking in my... Oh, it's Ava Anderson.

That's who it is. And I saw her face. Ava! Sorry, guys. Carry on. Thank you. You're so funny. And for anyone who couldn't hear that,

we'll probably edit this part out, but she did say you're so funny, and I have to agree. To everyone who's listening from the Comedy Bang Bang ad that we got, we really hope you like the show. We wanted to do a quick

Comedy Bang Bang style game for you. Just to make you comfortable and so that you have something to sort of latch on to. I know they don't always talk about heavy content like this. Yes. So we're going to do a game and it's... What's one of the games?

Yes. Engineer Sam. Engineer Sam. All right, guys. You have Would You Rather? Yeah. Can we talk about that? Yeah.

Do we do this one? All right. We've kind of talked about it. Would You Rather? Yeah. Is that the best one? All right. We've kind of talked about it. Would you rather? Yeah. Is that the best one? Which, name some of the other games?

What's a good, like, I want it to be good. I want it to be a good one. Riddle me this. Riddle me this? Is that better? Like,

tell me if this is like the one that people like. Wait, what's riddle me this? What's riddle me this? I believe you guys put together a riddle yourself.

Put together a riddle ourself. Between you and the good people. Would You Rather might be good for you, too. Explain riddle me this. I don't think I've ever done it. Do they only you do that show? Sam hasn't ever heard it. Lately, Sam has been doing our show a lot,

and I wonder if that is the other one saying, no, Sam, no more Sam and then we get Sam. Yes it may be that because we are kind of nice and we don't really make a big problem about anything. Yes.

Then we kind of wind up getting passed down the dregs of the engineers. Yes. Hi, Paul. Oh, hi, Paul. Oh, please, just come right in.

Have a seat. Well, I guess I'll introduce our guest. Paul, can you explain? We have a great guest today. Before we do anything. And he owns the place. Can you explain Riddle Me This? Yeah, we're going to do it.

Maybe we should do it with Paul. That might help. Because we got an ad on Comedy Bang Bang. Well, what is it? What's Riddle Me This? Yeah. It's a game. Sam, do it with Paul. That might help. Because we got an ad on Comedy Bang Bang. Well, what is it? What's Riddle Me This? Yeah. It's a game. Sam, do you...

Okay. I can't hear myself. You want to narrow it down. Okay, now I can hear myself. It should be on. Hold on a second. I'm a little embarrassed, and I feel like this makes me look terrible, because as I was saying I can't hear myself, that's when I started to hear myself.

Okay? So that makes me and i feel like sam he was tricking you maybe you did that on purpose oh no not at all to make me look like a a jerk no i wouldn't do that it's the way to the very moment okay he uses the tools at his disposal to establish dominance and and also can i point out there's a difference between I wouldn't do that and I didn't do that. Yes. Right? Because he did do that.

Because it happened. Maybe he wouldn't, but maybe he did. Maybe he wouldn't, but maybe he did. Now, one thing is, what is Riddle Me This? And you say it's a game, but that game needs to be narrowed down more. I'm sure we have an ad this week, and so we maybe need to do, if we don't have an ad, then maybe we'll just blow right through this part. But let me do a stopping point right now, which is,

I'll do like a jingle, and this is stoppy. So editor, this is a symbol. If we have an ad, just do the choppy in right there, and if nobody did buy an ad this week, the mouth is too big. It's just too big. Is that helpful? So, yes, that's a good way. That's the cut back in. So that means slice back in right here, similar to the other.

So it should be, it should be, what's the sequence? What's the sequence of sounds? What's the sequence of sounds that you want to determine it first? Or do you want to just feel it? Oh, you know what? Let's just feel it. But then we're locked into this as the sequence of sounds that determine edit points. And this is for engineer Sam.

That'll be helpful to do during the, are you going to be doing this, Engineer Sam? Is this you are going to be doing this? Okay. Yeah, I'll do this. Okay. So when you hear the this-y, when you hear the this-y, that's a... You do a time cut. You do a time cut there.

Okay. Okay. And then there, and then there's a tag. You do a tag on this. That's the tag. Okay. Okay. And then in between

you know how to do an add? Yeah. Push. Okay. So just do that in there. If we have an add, which I think we do. If we have an ad, which we probably do. You know how to do it, but will you do it? See? Ah.

I feel like you've got to watch this guy. Because he wants technicality. Yes. He's, yes. Yes. You have to make him say, okay. He's a slippery eel. Yeah.

You know, legal ease. Yeah. Yes. He might as well be in the band Eels. Oh, gosh, yes. Remember when they did that Daniel Johnston cover? Yeah, I do. People say it's a band, but it's actually really just the one guy.

But he's being generous and saying that it's the band. And people say the Eels, but it's really just Eels. And people say that with the Pixies, too. Well, do you remember the Daniel Johnson one I'm talking about, though, Hayes? No. Discovered, covered, and the premise

of the album is that he's dead, but he's still alive, and I like morbid things like that and art. We wanted to... Welcome to Hollywood Handbook

and Inside Sky. I like dark stuff. Hang on. Me and Paul are bonding. Oh, we said this industry we call showbiz. Oh, what up, what up? Is it just starting now?

Oops. Yes. This is the end. Oh, I don't have to sit through the thing where you guys talk, right? No, we already did that. No, we get that question a lot. And honestly, no offense. I tried to listen to the podcast once.

And that part, I hope you won't take this the wrong way. It felt interminable, alienating, obligatory, and bleak. Well, it's for us. I disagree on obligatory, and I'll tell you why. We're being encouraged not to do it. And so in that respect. Meaning you're being discouraged from doing it. Yes. And so in that respect, it's almost the opposite of obligatory in the respect that authority figures are trying to get us to stop.

Really? Mm-hmm. But for us, it's sort of a journal that we can go back and just know what was going on for us. So in your minds, it serves a purpose. Mm-hmm. Well, yes, in the sense that this isn't for anyone. And so when I'm an old man sipping lemonade on my porch, I want to look back and remember these years, you know, 50 through 75,

when Hayes and I were sort of just getting in there and mixing it up. It's sort of a gratitude journal. Are you keeping one of those? I know that you are thinking of... Wait, Hayes! Are we not going to have the song to introduce Paul? What about the song? That's a good idea. We should play the song now.

So, it's me and Carson Cressley are there and we're we're looking at the guy and he's saying like put a pink hat on him or something and i say like well i know i've said this before but i think we should teach him to do muay thai kickboxing so he can have some confidence at work. And that's when it was, you know, four queers and one tough badass for a black guy. For a black, it was always like a black guy that we were like touching up. Right. And so,

you know, they replaced me with a queer and then, and then I did the man show with Doug Stanhope. And then the black guy went to, that was Dulé Hill. The West Wing was like the spinoff of his part of that show. Of his section of queer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, I remember liking that initial version

because I would always agree with your advice to be like, well, maybe we should just teach him how to really pound it out, like really give it to her so good that she comes begging back for more. That's what the kickboxing is about. That's how you can beat people up. You're not going to go to work and knee your boss in the face. It's so you can translate that into... The bedroom.

Yes. And it's been sex... Try explaining that to Ted or whatever. All heterosexual sex is a violent act. Yeah. I mean, that's just scientifically true and if you watch if you've ever watched

animals and really watched them that's what they're doing they don't like it no I went to San Simeon Beach to see the elephant seals and those guys just

are so heavy yeah and it's rutting season yeah it's rutting season alright and I saw a little bit of rutting

of you know, butts between those friggin' animals on the beach. But I digress. We want to introduce our guest. Yes, we got him here, and he's going to do the show. Paul F. Tompkins is here. You know him from the Super Ego podcast. That's right. And we're so thankful to have him.

Your first repeat guest. Well, it's an honor of sorts, and thank you. You know, I've been repeat guests on many many podcasts um people kind of look to me as a utility player you know a guy who um they can count on to deliver the goods you know uh a fixer you know like mr wolf in pulp fiction that uh hey our podcast is in real trouble let's get this guy in here and uh and then the downloads go through the roof. Yes. The words seem at odds with each other. Like the term download and through the roof seems like conflict, you know,

because down. You want to go through the basement. Yeah, but then that seems like negative, right? That seems like something that you don't want to happen. Unless it's like the roof of the basement. Yeah, there we go. The money pit. You solved it.

There we go. Shelley Long pit. You've solved it. There we go. Shelley Long, Tom Hanks, others. Why isn't that a TV show? The money pit, the TV show, where it would be the same couple having to fix up their house for five seasons, God willing. Then they fix it up and then it breaks again.

Yeah. There's always little fires that they put out sometimes, actual fires. Well, what I like is they finally get the house fixed up and then, honey, we got to move. Yeah, it's a different house. What season does that happen? Is that at the end of every season or is that? Well, his job keeps transferring him. Maybe he's an army brat.

They shouldn't keep buying houses then. They should just live in apartments. Oh, yeah. Well, okay. So what do you want the show to be? I'm sorry. And also, did you say he's an army brat, but his job keeps moving him? So he's grown up having to move around,

and then he gets this job. He's addicted to it. Well, sometimes we have these patterns in our lives, and we don't even recognize that they're destructive. Yeah. Can you relate to that? I can relate to that. Speak on that. There are times where – there have been dark times in my life where if I wasn't happy.

Oh, no. What I would do is I would buy a bag of potatoes. Yeah. I had a deep fryer at the time. I don't anymore. Yeah. I would deep fry the entire bag of potatoes. What was that?

Can't afford it. No. Okay. Do you want to know the truth? Yes. I can't afford a deep fryer anymore. Well, it's like with printers. It's not the actual deep fryer that's expensive.

It's the oil and the electricity. Yeah. So I do have a printer, though. I just want people to know that I do have a printer. Yes, I interrupted. Yes. So I would dump the entire sack of potatoes into the deep fryer. Sack two.

Sorry? Sack too. Sorry? Sack in there as well. If I was really sad, yes. I would put the sack in. Sometimes it would be paper. Sometimes it would be that sort of mesh. You're thinking of burlap. The burlap, yeah.

No, I'm not thinking of burlap. I tell you what, when I'm thinking of burlap, I'll talk about burlap because I know my materials. I know my bags. I know the difference between paper. There's like a reinforced paper sack. Who is selling you a paper sack of potatoes? That is like the worst material to put potatoes in.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you haven't lived. And what if it's raining? Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. You've never seen in like, say, a Bristol Farms. Oh, sweet. I hope you're not being condescending.

Oh, do I seem condescending right now? I hope you're not being, and I can't always detect it. Am I coming off as condescending? I have a fear that it's starting to veer into that territory. And unfortunately, I can't always detect it. The new medication I'm on has just made everything very difficult for me. Can I get back to my story? Yeah.

So I dump the whole sack of potatoes in there. As Hayes pointed out, sometimes I put the sack in there as well. Deep fry these potatoes. Then I would stick a fork in one and I would just eat it like an apple. So it's like a massive French fry. Like an apple in that you stick all your apples in with a fork like you eat an apple apple fork in the apple and you eat around it yeah okay what are you not a kid not a kid yet why would i am or like people hold it by the stem of the apple yeah

like the little short stem well what i used to do as a kid is i would lasso it i would make a little uh i would take twine and i would make a little knot in it and I would lasso the apple and then I'd swing it into my mouth. Now, have you spent time on a dude ranch? Yes. Well, I was a farm orphan and so a lot of my youth was – You moved from farm to farm. With the animals, yes. I was a farmy brat.

Hold on one second. I think you're going to want to take out farmy brat. In what sense? Well, I don't think you want that out there that you said that. From a... Funniness standpoint? Career perspective. I think from a career perspective.

Because it's not a term that people recognize. I think From a career From a career perspective Yeah Because it's not a It's not a term that people recognize I think people are going to think You're trying to be clever And I think it's going to end up Insulting farm people And army people alike perhaps

I think the army people Will be okay with it But I think I think farm people will be Will be upset And because you're You're taking your own story And you're

Using it To be clever and i think people will feel betrayed i think farm people will feel betrayed by you well modern day people forget that at the time that i was being raised you would move from farm to farm of course you'd use up the land and they didn't know about soil the way they do now where you could replenish the nitrates and then when the the land was dead, you just go to another farm. Well, they would have a crop, like a crop would come up and they would say, well, that's it. Yeah.

We got the stuff to grow out of this ground. Yes. They thought that the ground itself just sprouted one crop. Yeah. And then you had to find new ground. Yeah. They didn't realize like it would do it. It could do it over and over again.

And that's only in the last 10 years, I think, people kind of caught on to that. Yeah, what was that guy? What was the name of the guy, the rancher guy who everyone has given a real bad rap? Jolly Rancher? Clive and Bundy. Yes, Clive and Bundy.

So he has some bad ideas, but some good ideas because he did figure out you could use the ground again. And he was also the inspiration for Jolly Ranchers. Right. He's a very smiley guy. Very smiley guy. Loved his sweets. Hated his teeth.

Did you know? I was reading about this. I bet I did, but go ahead. Bart Simpson was named Bart because it's the same letters as brat. They call that an amalgam. Yes. It's an amalgam of brat. And they change the letter

and he become Bart. Yeah. Did you know? Yes, go on. Now, Lisa Simpson is the same letters as Isla Fisher from Wedding Crashers and from the movie that kind of ripped off Bridesmaids. It looks like the same movie.

I can't remember the name of it. It's called Brides Friends. It's like Wedding Friends. Brides of the Bride. Yes. Now, and that is based on she was supposed to have red hair, but they didn't have that kind of crayon. Did you know that The Simpsons was drawn by crayon up until two years ago? Mm-hmm.

Yes. Yes. When they finally, you know. They use a stylus now. Were able to ship it to Korea. That's right. It's all done on an iPad. Mm-hmm.

Tablets. excuse me. Paul, we wanted to do something with you. I wanted to ask you, did you ever host SNL? That's a complicated answer that I have to give.

I was trying to think, who am I thinking of? Yeah, I'm trying to picture. I can picture you doing SNL. Yeah. And what am I – is it not you or what am I seeing? The short answer is and technical answer is no, I have not hosted SNL. I have not hosted SNL.

The longer and I dare say more interesting answer is there is an episode of SNL that was recorded with me as the host, which people have not seen. So technically I haven't hosted the show. What am I picturing? Is it just were you doing your Buster Poindexter character? Is that why I have such this image in my mind of you hosting? I was doing a Buster Poindexter character that was appropriated by David Johansson. Hours before air. Okay, yes.

I did it in dress. And, you know, the story of SNL is a lot of stuff gets killed after dress rehearsal. Lauren. Did it in dress. The audience loved it. And then I'm called over to Lauren's little corner on the side of the set. Oh, I've jumped through his hoops. Drinking his white wine. Yeah.

And he says. If I were Scott Ackerman, and a lot of people are listening to this because we got a CBB ad, that company Bang Bang ad, yeah. When you said

Lauren's Little Corner, I would have said his Lorner, if you will. See, that's the kind of thing that Scott does a lot. You know?

I think I know what you mean. He does these words. Smash-ups. Yes, word smash-ups. Word smash-ups. Yes. And so we are trying to do more of those. Okay.

And so when you say something like that, just give me a little more time to figure it out. If you say something that you think is ripe for some kind of word smash-up, just take a minute. Do something on your phone. I'll leave a little pause. It isn't going word smash up. Just take a minute, do something on your phone. I'll leave a little pause. And it isn't going to cook up. I'll leave a little pause. That'll happen. I will cut it out.

Yeah. But I just need. You can shorten up the time. I just need. Not that long. Because I think they must edit that one because it seems like he's almost immediately doing it a lot of the time. Can I tell you a secret?

Because I've been on that show many times. Yeah. They absolutely edit it. Okay. They absolutely take out all the pauses. Yes. And it's funny because what you're doing right now reminds me, it's exactly what Scott does, is he says, hold on a second.

Yes. And it'll be like, I'll be way into a story. And I'll say, hold on a second. I just thought of a smash up. He goes, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. That's kind of a Saudi thing. Oh, that was eerie. Yeah, right? That was eerie. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. That's kind of a Saudi thing. Oh, that was eerie.

Yeah, right? That was eerie. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no. I'm so close to something. Can I do it for you? Can I do it?

Because I do this to him all the time and he hates it. Okay. I have an idea for a word smash up. And then he says one that is not correct. And then I kind of feed him one. It's like, is this what you're going for? And he goes, of course it is. Of course.

That's what I meant. That's what I meant. So we're trying to do more of this. And then he writes it down real quick and goes, see, I had it written down. Yeah. Yeah. So you're in his Lorna. You're in the Lorna.

Right. That's a good smash. And we'll jump in right here. Yeah. So yes, as you say, he calls me over to his Lorna. And he says, and I'll do the impression that everybody does of Lorna. Hey, what you did was good, but I think this guy from the New York Dolls should do and I'm like what are you talking about

he goes he's a good friend my friends Paul Simon Chevy Chase and New York Dolls David Johansson I try to throw them a bone and I say so I'm just out I'm just out of the show.

And he says, yeah, that's it. And it's my episode, and the one with Steven Seagal are the two you'll never see. You'll never see them. And David Johansson stole that Buster Poindexter character from me. Who's the one? Is it not you? Who's the one who gets spanked by Tracy Morgan in that one sketch? He's like, I thought it was used

when he was playing Tracy Morgan's son or something. Are you thinking of Shaquille O'Neal? Yes! It was Shaq. That's right.

And he got spanked. Yes. Okay. Well, how about that Adrian Brody character? That was so funny. Tell me that wasn't funny. When he put on that wig.

And he's doing the Rastaman. Oh! You see what I'm talking about? Yes. A high point funny tell me that wasn't funny when he put on that wig and he's doing the rasta man oh a high point in a in a show that's been on for about 40 years now and it's made me laugh maybe a dozen times right exactly when and when he comes out and is doing that and talking like a guy who's like a black guy from ireland but he's not that kind of guy yeah whoa we i'm freaking losing achi baba couldn't put it better myself i'm gonna stop this down a little bit because if we get into talking about snl history too much right sean will remember the thing where sinead o'connor ripped up that picture of the Pope because he thinks that was good.

And he'll talk about how that was like a good statement to do. It's so sacrilegious. Yes. And it's not the kind of thing that we certainly want to talk about on the show. Gotcha. And so. I'm almost finished eating this hoagie. Do you have a lot of Catholic listeners?

It's. We don't want. I got some mustard on my shirt. I got to find something to clean this up. You know the Anglicans? Yeah. CV? Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes. And the last bite is getting chewed and swallowed. Hey, we're running out of time. But I think we're done, so that's great. Okay. And I'm putting the cans back on. So, so my question to you,

do you have a lot of Catholic listeners? Your question is, do you know the Anglicans? So you feel like it was answered. Yeah. Okay. Okay, good.

We wanted to do our best ofs. Because have you ever done something like this? Once or twice, perhaps we had a lot of highlights of this past year uh and we thought it would be a good idea to bring in paul tompkins because even though you were not on the show for a lot of these it would just be fun to have you to comment on kind of count down and talk about you know the moments that we all remember as being so fun and funny do you know I love doing stuff like this because

that's real yes show business you know what I mean yes when you're when you're talking about it when you're reviewing it and when you're giving and I think this will be fun for your listeners that sort of insider perspective yes you know which is that's what you're all about right because people think that we just come in and we just do you do it and we just do the show

and it's just like as if magic trick yeah it's not magic no and so it's a lot of hard work the perfect person to bring in as an alternative to like an engineer someone who isn't here every day like you could provide the perspective of someone who was not here and who knows some of these big celebrities that were doing the show and that were having these fun spontaneous moments absolutely and also you know like the engineer perspective and no offense to you sam but the engineer's perspective is mostly going to be oh what dials was i looking at? What button was I pressing for garage band? If that, because I think what's happening in their brains

is not actually even that similar to what's happening inside of ours. Different brains. Lizard brains. Yes, they're primarily in their lizard brains. Do you know about these? The conspiracy? Yes. About the lizard people in the caves? George Bush? Oh, that's so interesting. Is you know about these? The conspiracy? Yes. About the lizard people? In the caves?

George Bush? Oh, that's so interesting. Is that what you meant? I was talking about just like our lizard brains. Just the reptilian part of your brain. Yes, of course. And all this fight or flight. And how that is dictating so much of what we find to be funny or

scary or sexual. You get two choices, fight or flight. Sexual, yes. Right? I choices, fight or flight. Right? I choose to fight. Oh, really? Yeah. And it's not on a case-by-case basis. Nope. Regardless of whatever other factors, always fight.

Every single time. Oh, wow. I'm not a flyer. I'm a fighter. Stand my ground, I fight. Stand your ground. Oh, but if you could fly or if you could be invisible, which one would you want?

Oh. Oh, and third option, or if you could be like the Flash and so fast. Oh, that one. Yes. Yeah. Me too. That one. Haze.

Just to be able to, like, I mean, you know, I guess it would be cool to fly, but to run really fast? Mm-hmm. What more could you want? What human could experience that, you know? You're faster than Usain Bolt. The fastest guy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, Usain Bolt. The fastest guy.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. To like leave him in the dust and oh, you know what would be so great? Just fucking embarrass him in front of his wife.

If you could run, literally run rings around him and taunt him the whole time and then like call over his wife like hey, check this out.

You know, that would be humiliating for him. Yeah. Yeah, to make somebody somebody to make a champion like that looks like a loser you hold out your arm i would hold out my arm like stick out my elbow right do a whistle indicating you should take my arm i went to high school with a guy who had this t-shirt that's always stuck with me and it said hold my trophy while I kiss your girlfriend. And underneath it said, Chump Gear, which I think was the brand.

Now, that to me, that is the peak of human experience. You know? No, I do. If I'm running so fast that a champion like Usain Bolt has to freaking hold my trophy

while I kiss his girlfriend, well, Chump Gear. Can I tell you why you don't see that t-shirt today? And this is a fatal mistake. Everyone gets a trophy. By chump gear. Everyone gets a trophy.

Well, there's that. That's why. Everyone gets a trophy. Yeah. So if you're saying, hold my trophy while I kiss your girlfriend, the guy who you're telling to hold the trophy is going to say, I can't hold your trophy. I'm busy holding my trophy because everyone gets a trophy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And guess what? I can't hold your trophy. I'm busy holding my trophy because everyone gets a trophy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And guess what? You were lying about your girlfriend. Who was? Yeah, wait. Hold on a second.

I think we need – I think – Is that a point? I think we need a point because I got lost in the story and I forgot that – This story told by the t-shirt? We need the key jingle. Oh, sorry. So that's a cutty. That's a cutty, yeah.

Because I forgot that the guy is saying, hold the trophy. I'm going to kiss your girlfriend. Yes, it's a confusing t-shirt. Another reason why you don't see them around anymore. You thought he was saying hold my trophy while I kiss my own girlfriend.

I inadvertently made it that. I inadvertently made it that. Sure. And I did that. That was not my intention. Well,

and that's honorable. Okay, now we're back in. The reason, in addition to everyone gets a trophy, the reason you don't see those t-shirts anymore,

chump gear, fatal flaw in that name because it makes it seem like it's gear for chumps. That was always strange to me. Yes. The idea is this is gear aimed at chumps. It's gear for chumps to read. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

You can't read it. It's upside down. What should it have been called? What should it have been called? Champ gear. Aha. Yeah. Yeah.

And so you want us to leave out the part where you. Where I got lost in the story. And figured out. We need to edit this here. Where you like settled on champ gear. The time you took to kind of workout yeah okay is that i mean you get why i want that cut out right yeah it was a very long road gym oh okay okay haze i i'm just saying if we're cutting out mine we should cut out yours too it's fair but you're making it seem like I'm being a jerk about this

no, I'm just making sure I'm clarifying for for Engineer Sam Paul, he never said that you're a jerk is this what you want to do? is this what you want to do? pick sides pick sides?

yeah you're welcome to jump into this now look last time i was here we got along great which one you and me are you and his all of us oh okay i can't speak to your relationship with each other that's not my that's not my place to do and i and i i had heard a lot of people have you know guests on this show it gets very combative and these guys can be insulting and so when i did the show i was i was on high alert And then we had a wonderful time. And I thought, these guys are like me. What is everybody talking about? But something's different today.

And I don't know what it is, guys. Different engineer. Is that what it is? Yeah, and it's the vibe that he brings. He wasn't even working here. Remember when it was Frank? No, you know what? I do remember Frank. Yes.

I do remember Frank. Yes. I do remember Frank, but I think it might have been a different guy when I was here last. Cody, Brett, one of those. All kind of bring this like sunny energy. And a chill vibe, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Guys, can we – i just want to i want to reset i don't want to have this i don't want to have this be like this it's a terrible tone for the best ofs yes which

which we haven't even gotten to well we're yes i mean we had planned to do about 25 best ofs and at this point i think we're only going to do maybe two. But we are... This is another thing from Scott. We're extending the show a lot. Yes, we have found that. And looking into the show, and that's because so many new listeners are coming to the show, and because they're doing it from the CBV ad, that is why we asked you what Riddle Me This is, and you still haven't really explained it.

Oh, hi. Oh, now we did. It really explained it. Oh, hi. Oh, now we did. It's Engineer Cody. We did get somewhat off track, but I just want to clarify that's not necessarily my doing, right? No. We are struggling with – Scott wants us to go two hours, and so we are struggling with the demands of the new format. What are we up to now?

I have no sense of that. It feels to me like we've been here half a day. Yeah. And so we have to do Riddle Me This quickly. And we don't know what exactly it is. You're doing the game from Comedy Bank. Yes. So that people feel comfortable.

Because we got an ad on that show. So people will feel comfortable listening to this one. And so now people who are accustomed to that show are coming here and they want to hear the game that they like to listen to. The most popular game. Yes. Yes. And so. So you need me to explain what the game is.

Yes. Please. Yes. My pleasure. me to explain what the game is yes please yes my pleasure okay riddle me this is a game where uh everyone has to guess uh a riddle somebody says a riddle we go around in turns somebody says a riddle and then the other person has to guess what that riddle is not the answer to the riddle they have to guess like is it a famous riddle that i would have heard somewhere before or did you just make that riddle up oh wow yeah okay so for for the players it makes it easy like

if you're the person who has to come up with the riddle you can either make up your own riddle or you can remember a riddle from days gone by. But you have to say the truth of what you did. Well, I know a riddle. Well, I saw a riddle recently where the answer is the library. Is that helpful? That's a little, I mean, that gives us something. Okay. It's better to have-

So am I playing the game now? It's better, not yet. It's better to start with the question part. You give the question and the answer. You don't even have to give the answer. You just have to give the riddle. And then you have to guess, is this a riddle that I've heard before? Or is this a riddle that you've just made up?

So it's the one where it's the doctor's mom. Like, if I'm doing that riddle. No, that's not a riddle. That's a logic problem. There's a big difference. And a lot of people fall into this trap. A woman being a doctor Is a logic problem? Absolutely it is

Because what if it's you know what that time of the month Oh gosh and she's got her finger on the button Yeah the button That gives you anesthesia The surgery button That's right And she's like I'm crabby I'm not going to save this guy's life

I'm going to let him bleed out Oh yeah and give me chocolate And then that gets inside your stitches. Why do they have no female engineers here? Oh, that's a good question. Oh, wow. That's a really good question. Oh, wow.

Frank leaves. It's a great opportunity to have a female engineer. To get a gal. Someone who's going to be the Sandra Day O'Connor of Earwolf Engineers. Yes. Well, what I was saying about the engineer brains, though. Instead, they bring in a Clarence Thomas. I think the engineer brains all work in, like,

numbers and... Ones and zeros. Yes. Binary. It's that kind of thing. And women are so emotional. Yes. Which I think can be great about them. Yeah. And it's more of a job for, like, a Spock than it is for a Roseanne.

Mm-hmm. Exactly, yes. Which are the two types of human in a lot of ways. Emotional and logical. Yeah, you're either a Spock or a Roseanne. That's right. Okay, so you do a riddle. Yeah. You want me to start? Well, just because

now that I've explained the game, I'll start and then you see then you'll see how it goes. Okay. Okay? Yes. So I'm going to provide a riddle. Okay. Then I'll go to each of you in turn, and then I get to weigh in as well on whether or not it's a real riddle or one I've just made up.

Okay. You're weighing in. This sounds good. Okay. Yeah. All right. To trick us. I'm starting.

Maybe. People like this, huh? They love it. Okay. It's the This sounds good. Okay. Yeah. All right. To trick us. I'm starting to think maybe. People like this, huh? They love it. Okay. It's the most popular game. Okay. What has three legs, four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night?

I have a pretty good joke to make about this. I know it's got three legs in the morning, which is what you almost said, and it's me because I got frigging morning wood. Remember you wake up with a boner? Like an erection? Yeah. I remember. I do remember that.

Yeah. I remember. Yeah. Pretty intense joke, huh? So now what are we supposed to do in the game? Ah, now this is the game part. You have to guess. Is that a real riddle that I remember from somewhere?

Or did I make that up just now? I think you stole it. Oh, hold on. It's not your turn yet. Okay. Okay. Hayes, real riddle or did I just make it up? Well, I hope it's not real because otherwise we won't get to play it on the show because

we made this mistake with songs. Uh-huh. Like if you play a song, you can't actually, like the people who own the song will call and want money because of copyright yeah yes yeah i don't i don't know with riddles i think it's different no it is it is oh it is different yes okay so then we're okay that's even more money yeah then what do you oh you well because the riddle people because songs get used all the time so they kind of can let it slide sometimes but riddles get used rarely, which makes this a very dangerous game. Yeah.

Well, then, okay. Well, let's play out the round, and then we'll figure out how to proceed if we're worried about riddle copyrights. Okay. So this, Sean? Yeah. It's not your turn yet. Okay. Did you know that Happy Birthday?

Did you know? Okay, but just to refresh. That song is the same that you have to what you're about to say a myth and you're falling into a trap no it is not a myth it is not a myth it is not a myth you have to it costs money to do that in the movie and so that's why you have people singing like have a good birthday and stuff in the movies because they aren't allowed to do happy birthday. Yeah, you're following the same myth.

That's the same myth. And that's why TGI Fridays had to write their own birthday song, which I think is actually better for one thing. And so in a way it's positive, but you don't actually have to pay anyone. I think it is fake because nothing could do that. Okay. Nothing could have the different number of words. So you're saying not a real riddle.

You think I just made that riddle up. Yes, because if you actually think about it, it's impossible. Okay. Okay. Sean, now it's your turn. And so just to go over it again, I remember my three legs joke, but I'm trying to remember the actual riddle. Right. Which is four legs in the morning.

Four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night. It's a monster. No, you're not supposed to answer the riddle. That's absolutely not important. Just guess. That's terrifying. Is it a real – of course it is. It's frigging changing leg numbers all day?

I don't mean to – let's not get sidetracked. As scary as that is, the point of it is not for you to answer the riddle. The point – anybody could do that. That's any stupid game. Is it a real riddle that exists already or did I just make it up? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know being called stupid is part of the game.

So I'm going to bow out of this one. No, I wasn't trying to call – So thank you very much, but no. Maybe that's what they do on the other show, but we don't like to do that. That's maybe Scott's kind of humor and maybe not so much ours. I apologize if it came off

that way. It was not my intention at all to call you stupid. I was merely trying to explain the game and maybe I got too excited because I love playing this game and I apologize. I do not to explain the game, and maybe I got too excited because I love playing this game. And I apologize. I do not – for the record, I don't think that you're stupid. Okay.

Apology feels sincere, but again, I can't always tell. Well, if I was wrong, then I'm sorry too if I misunderstood something. But it didn't feel like I did. Thanks for that. So the game – so the game – okay. So it's not a monster. Is it a spider? That's the only thing where I think of number of legs really.

Let me – you know what? I realize I've explained this poorly. And so let me explain it better. And I see why you – it's not quite making sense. The fault is mine. It's not – It's less about – excuse me. It's less about finding an answer to the riddle and forget about – you can forget about answering the riddle, okay? Okay.

And all you have to think is – But these are wrong answers. Well, they might be right. They might be wrong. Okay, okay. The real question I'm asking is – But if it – can I say if it is a Frankenstein, that that is still a monster? Noted.

Yes, okay. Noted. Noted. Because that – they're putting his arms and stuff on so maybe they put on different legs and one leg doesn't over the course of a day they realize yeah they feel like they got it down and they're like let's try something else and then they finish with the three legs and then they quit well they do four by accident and then... They start out with too many. Yes, and then they do two like just a guy. Yeah.

And then they say, wait a minute. Four, two unwieldy then they do two, he falls over and they go, we need at least one more for balance. Like a tripod. Yeah, like when you go more... And that one is when they, the third one is when they give him the big, you know. I feel, now here's the

danger with this game is you could end up playing a different game, which I think is what we're doing right now. Oh, well. Which is where we're trying to solve the riddle. Building monster. Yeah, it's less about that. It's more about the very simple question, is that a riddle that exists already or did I just make that riddle up?

Okay, okay. Well, which one is it? Well, that's what you have to – you tell me. Oh, wow. What do you say? So I am answering a riddle. In a manner – you're more answering a question than a riddle. You're answering a question about a riddle, if that makes sense.

A little bit. Well, if it's yeah honestly it seemed it doesn't seem to me and this could be even considered strategy what i've done so far because it doesn't seem like you really know the answer which means it probably is not a let me you know it doesn't seem like it's let me stop you right there go ahead it's really i my apologies if i have been unclear it's really I my apologies if I have been unclear it's really not about answering the riddle

no I know but I'm saying whether or not I know the answer I've said some answers and it didn't seem like you knew them so that makes it seem like

maybe it's not even your own riddle oh I see okay please continue with that that's great that's great now you're playing the game

this is great so it's maybe because if you made it up you probably would know the answer do you agree Hayes? I playing the game this is great so it's maybe because if you made it up you probably would know the answer do you agree hayes i just remembered where this is from and i do know this riddle from before now he sean hasn't answered yet sean hasn't answered yet so you're changing my you want to help him yes but i could be lying too i'm not it's from the end of Krippendorf's Tribe

starring Richard Dreyfuss and Jenna Elfman mm-hmm it's like side tie it's like because I was watching

I was looking at this the other day Krippendorf's Tribe yes and this is actually going to distract me because the whole time no keep keep going this the other day. Crippendorff's tribe? Yes. And this is actually going to distract me because the whole time... No, keep going.

Who was supposed to be his mom in that? Jen Elfman, I thought. Okay, I thought it was one of the natives. But they... Okay. Because that's what I was... That's why it's his tribe, right? Because his mom's one of those natives, so he technically... That's what I'm saying. Oh? Because his mom's one of those natives.

So he technically owns the tribe. That's what I'm saying. Oh, so his mother is one of the natives. I thought. I mean, it's been. So he's half Krippendorf, half native. It's actually, I'll be honest, it's been a while since I've seen it. Maybe a week and a half.

And so I don't actually remember exactly what happened with his mom in it. I've only ever seen the poster and I thought that Yeah, because he's lifting up and you think like he's lifting up his mom. Yeah, you think he's lifting up his mom. Yes, absolutely. But then they kiss. But maybe in that tribe, that's not a weird thing.

I know. And that's what's so messed up. But, I mean, you can't. That's another culture. That's not our culture, so who are we to judge? Well, here's why I ask, because my DVR cut off the last, like, 45 minutes. So you only saw the first 20.

Yeah. Did you do record as scheduled? Very short movie. Did you do record as scheduled, or did you do Did you do record as scheduled or did you do... You add extra time, yeah. You still have to add extra time. A lot of times they won't give you that prompt unless it's a live broadcast. So you have to kind of remember, hey, because of the way these cable companies schedule things,

maybe this movie will end at, you know, 2.07 instead of at 2 and, you know. But here's what's interesting about that. Maybe that whatever program is on before is a live thing. So then if that had the extra 15 minutes, then it pushes everything back, pushes everything back. Then you miss the last 45 minutes of Krippendorf's tribe. Yes.

Um, so are, I, did I win or what happened with the game? I don't know if you guessed Was it a real riddle or did I make it up? You didn't say definitively I don't think

Okay Okay So your guess is Okay, good job I mean, yeah, I think Now I guess I'm going to guess That it's an existing riddle Your guess is – Okay. Good job. I mean, yeah. I think – yeah. Now I guess. I think you nailed it. Yes.

Now you're going to guess. Yeah. I'm going to guess that it's an existing riddle. Okay. Mm-hmm. Okay. The answer is it is an existing riddle. Oh.

And it's from? It's from, I believe, Krippendorf's tribe? Yes. Yes. That must be where I got – I think I gleaned it from the poster. So is the answer a monster and you've been playing coy or what is the – I'm not going to – I tell you what. I'm not going to tell you the answer to the riddle because that – I feel that's another game.

And I want to keep – I want for the listener – I'm going to look it up. You know, people who are listening to this because they've come from Comedy Bang Bang, I don't want it to get muddied. What has four legs in the morning? Four legs in the morning. Two legs in the afternoon. Hashtag riddle.

And then three legs in the evening. Three legs in the evening, two legs in the afternoon. A sphinx? That is a monster! It's true. That's what you said. So, yeah.

Here's what I don't think works about this game. It seems like lying is a big part of it. And the rules keep changing. Even about the rules. And then you're lying during a big part of the game. Guys, when did I lie? When did I lie? Honestly, when did I lie? Well, you said it wasn't a monster. Even about the rules. And then you're lying during a big part of the game. Guys, when did I lie? When did I lie? Honestly, when did I lie?

Well, you said it wasn't a monster. It wasn't a monster. I never said that. I never said that. He said, is it a monster? And you said that that was wrong. I said that was not the point of the game. Boy.

I wasn't rendering a judgment on whether or not it was a monster. So Comedy Bang Bang fans, thanks for coming to our show from their show. Let me catch you up. Apparently the game is everybody lies to each other, and then I get called stupid in the middle of it. And that's the fucking game that you guys like. That ended up being a very big game. I got a feeling maybe you're not going to like this show

because actually a lot of my friends are on this show and we do have friendships that we like to maintain and it's the lying that bothers me. You know what I mean? We've got to do best ofs. What's the one clip that we... What's the main clip that we really feel strongly about? Zachary Levi episode?

Oh, yes. What a nerd. When he came on? Yeah. I like his, when he was talking about nerd stuff, even though he's kind of, you know, kind of a cool celebrity now. I know why you like that. Because you're such a nerd.

Paul! You like nerdy stuff. I'm exposed! It's getting around. It's starting to get out there. Everyone knows this. Yeah. Well, it's- But I like that.

I like that people know. Well, it is nice. And Hayes, you even got some extra nerdy glasses for today's show to sort of embrace it. People send me comic and stuff like that. I like that. When people send me comic, I'm like, okay, you got me. I'm a nerd. I'm a closet nerd.

But I feel like... Oh, I'm a nerd too. I feel like that's a thing that you don't have to be ashamed of anymore. Well, and speak up. Speak up. Speak up. Oh, they're going to beat me up. Well, because it used to be, oh, they're going to beat me up, like I just said. Yes, yes.

But now it's like, oh, cool people are nerds too, you know? Well, yes, people who used to be nerds are getting cool. And in some ways, the nerds are taking over And look out bullies Yes, and now they're pumping our gas And I'll beat them up Yes, and they're pumping our gas Now it's the nerds turn

To beat other people up Because they're getting stronger And beat them up with money And they're actually doing CrossFit now And they're getting physically very strong Well, yes, a lot of nerds are great athletes now Not just beating them up with money But beating them up with money and they're actually doing crossfit physically very strong well yes a lot of nerds are great athletes not just beating them with money but beating them up physically with muscles yeah yeah that's good i'm proud to say that i'm a nerd and then i work out and i

want to beat people up yes i love saying that yes i am a nerd technically i am a nerd. Technically, I am a nerd, but also I'm incredibly physically fit. I'm a good athlete. I'm cool. I'm good with girls. I get plenty of them. Tons of sex. Oh, and when I'm giving it to them, oh, man, you better believe they know that they're getting it from a real nerd. This is like they first did this. I'm a fucking pussy nerd. They did this. Did you see Revenge of the Nerds?

Because that's what it is. Yeah. The guy, the triumph of that movie is the guy, pretends he's somebody else, puts on a mask, has sex with the guy's girlfriend without her knowing. Not just any mask, by the way. Yes. Darth Vader, which I love Star Wars, and it's so cool. Revenge of mask, by the way. Yes. Darth Vader, which I love.

Star Wars, and it's so cool. Revenge of the nerds. Hello. One of the revenges that the nerds will visit upon everyone is non-consensual sex. Yes. He rapes that girl, but he did it so good. She loves it. Because...

So is it really rape? Because he's a nerd, and you can be a nerd for the female anatomy and knowing all the different pieces and how that works. Like you're saying you're a pussy nerd. Yes. Yes, that's what it is, because nerds think about sex all the time, and jocks are just thinking about sports until they don't know how to have sex. That's right.

Classic. What was the... Oh, which... Zachary Levi? Zachary Levi were we going to play? Should we do the Curtis Armstrong one? Oh, well, now you've got me fired up for that one, too. We've got a bunch.

Because, well, Zachary Levi made somewhat of an interesting confession when he was on our show. Yes, that's right. If you remember, Paul. Oh, yeah. Refresh my memory. Well, let's play it. Sure. Let's refresh your memory that way. Oh, yeah. Refresh my memory. Well, let's play it.

Let's refresh your memory that way. Get the sound clip up so that we know that we're going to go into a clip. That's a different set. Yes. Okay, good. Zachary, thanks so much for coming on the show. We know you from Chuck, of course. Thank you for taking a break from being Chuck. You had something that you wanted to confess on...

Accidentally. Yes, you had something that you wanted to just kind of stumble into on our show. Yeah, and so let's... How was Comic-Con this year for you? I know you always have a big thing set up there. You know what? This is weird to say, but I'm not really a nerd. What?

I know I've told everybody I'm a big nerd and stuff and I have this nerd HQ thing at Comic-Con, but I'm not really a nerd. I really like sports. Get out! And I am not doing Elaine from Seinfeld right now. But you guys invited me on the show. Well, that's when we thought that you were doing the truth, and now you're doing lies.

It's the lying that I think is the worst. I never should have made that confession. By accident. I accidentally just made it. Which you seem very self-assured about. Yeah. This is really going to fuck my life up. What is that podcast thing?

What is the thing you have? Nerd HQ. What is that? It's just a place for nerds to hang out together and play video games, I think. Did that come before Nerdist or after? After. Boy. I saw what Nerdist was doing and I was like, I want to get on that train.

And now I'm a nerd. And now, I mean, it's out there now. I'm not. I'm not a nerd. I'm a good-looking guy. Wow. And I love sports. I wear baseball hats.

Yeah. For you to take something that somebody else built. It just, it was irresistible to me. I wanted to be as cool as nerds are. You're a bad guy. Yep. You got that right. I'm a bad guy.

And you know what? And to play Chuck. For someone like you. That role should have gone to Chris Hardwick. To put on the chuck name tag the worst part was on the set of chuck having to act like a good guy in real life and a good and a good and a good nerd and i i remember like between takes i would say oh this is so easy to play chuck because i'm a nerd in real life. And everyone believed me.

Even Yvonne Strahovski. Hey, Zachary? Yeah? What do you really think of Paul F. Tompkins? That guy? I wish I could be as nerdy as he is. Oh, yeah. I'm jealous.

Yeah, you're jealous. You think he's really got the goods. He knows comic book stuff and video games and things. Oh, wow. That must increase his popularity. All I know is World Series stats. Oh, boy. That's a real super jock. And you can be nerdy about sports.

You can like sports and be nerdy. I guess, but I'm not. I like sports at a level where it's not quite nerdy. It's just the regular jockey way of knowing about sports. Anyway, Sam's rubbing his face in a sleepy way.

Let's cut out of that clip. You're tired? You got to go sleep? Yeah. It's tough on all of us. The extended new format is tough on all of us. Yeah, it is. It's been not easy.

I told Scott, it was one thing when he asked us to only do a half hour when we were first starting the podcast. Yes, and for us to basically not be on mic for most of that half hour, it was like he had some of his music he wanted us to play, and then he also – Music like he – oh, am I me or am I – Oh, you're Paul. Okay, music like his own music that he composed and recorded? Yeah, he was working on some stuff, and he just wanted airplay for it. And then he also was making us play clips of friends of his and stuff his parents were doing. And lots of ad overflow.

What kind of stuff did his parents were doing? From what I could glean, it was recipes. It was lifestyle stuff. It was recipes, fashion tips. It was some exercise, like some was lifestyle stuff. It was recipes, fashion tips. It was some exercise, like some healthy living stuff. Travel stuff? Voicemails. He ran out of room on his voicemail

and so he would port his voicemails over into our podcast so he could listen to them there. So he would tune in. So most of our downloads were just him just checking his voicemail. And then

it was just life hacks. It was like hot peel an egg. And we should do those again. That's where I first heard that thing about when you travel, you put your clothes into a big ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You start with the socks and then you wrap shirts and pants around them. Well, because then the clothes, you put them, like, you can just put them in a bag. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You literally carry it back. Throw your suitcase away.

Well, yeah, you paid money for it. Sell it. Oh, yeah. Sell it to some fucking sucker who doesn't have this life hack. Yeah. You know, there's a lot of pieces of shit out there. A guy who's still just folding his clothes and putting them in one at a time. Yeah, a fucking dickhead.

A piece of shit. And bananas? Bananas? You're supposed to eat, I don't know, it's like- From the bottom. Yes. Yeah. Because, and here's what's genius about it is, you're supposed to eat I don't know it's like from the bottom yes because and here's what they say

here's what's genius about it is people say you eat it from the bottom because then you have a handle to eat the banana with as opposed to the way where you peel it from the top and you're holding the bottom

that's not the same as having a handle and then you bite your hand idiots you end up biting your hand because the peel is covering your hand you end up biting into your hand thinking it's more bananas. You bite through your hand, yeah.

And so all this time, I love bananas. How about taking out egg yolks with a water bottle? Okay, so you got the egg there, and then you have an empty water bottle, and you squeeze it, and the suction gets the egg yolk. Oh, just keep going. No, no, shh. It's okay. Just keep going.

Just keep going. Sam! He's really freaking out about spilling that water. Oh, Sam! It's okay. Just keep going. Sam! He's really freaking out about spilling that water. I spilled! No, don't say you spilled. Don't say you spilled. That's absolutely fine. We'll act like everything's... Did she come in here because of the spill? No, this is someone who's lost. Guys, give me time.

Just shut up. Are we in trouble? Cause we spilled. Paul, are they mad at us? Cause we filled. Okay. Okay. So something happened. Um, I think everything is okay. Somebody came in here After the spill

That was Amy Mann Okay That was Amy Who? Okay, is that the cleaning thing? Is that the cleaning person? What's her name? That was not the cleaning person

No, that was Oscar nominated singer-songwriter Amy Mann Oh She was here to do commentaries for the Comedy Bang Bang TV show DVDs And now Sean spilled. And then Sean spilled. I mean, it was weird timing. Really weird timing.

So I could see why you would think she was the cleaning lady. The cleaning lady who... Well, she appeared immediately upon the spill. Because a veteran cleaning lady would hear... She would probably know the sound of a glass tipping over means water spills out and like just bolt in here um but yeah no it was uh it was uh amy man okay we know each other because of uh magnolia right yeah it's a movie that we both uh

that's the kind of flower i knocked over That's the kind of flower I knocked over. That's the kind of flower I knocked over when I spilled. Did you catch them up, the listeners up, on what happened? What Sean knocked over? No. Well, we caught them up on how nothing happened. And it's safe to be here. Yes. Oh, God. I hope nobody's name got be here. Yes.

Oh, God. I hope nobody's name got ruined on the table. I don't think so. They seem to be on there pretty well. I hope it was like... Somebody small. Yeah, I hope it was like Jonah Ray or something. Yeah. Yeah.

Looks like Sylvester. He's pretty pale. Do you think he's a real nerd? Jonah Ray? Because remember the Nerdist podcast. Too tall. Too tall to be a real nerd? Jonah Ray? Because remember the Nerdist podcast. Too tall. Too tall to be a real nerd? Yeah.

What about Matt Myra? I don't know what that is. He a BMXer or something? He was the third Nerdist guy. I always thought he was a nerd, but then he's lost some weight. It makes me think, I don't know if he's a nerd. Lose weight doing BMX? He probably lost weight doing BMX.

I mean, I can't imagine what else he'd be doing. Matt Myra, Birth of Big Air, right? That's right. Isn't he a dirt bike guy? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yep. Yes.

And I would not say he's necessarily a nerd. I wouldn't call him a jock, per se. Because it's a different thing. See, there are certain sports that don't fall a jock per se because it's a different thing so there's certain sports that don't fall under jockeyness yes like one of them is mixed martial arts which by the way a lot of people don't understand mixed martial arts yes they think it's all about thank you brutality they think it's all about trying to being violent no obviously that's not what it's about mixed martial arts is all about strategy and cunning yes it's it's it's chess yeah it's three-dimensional chess

it's three-dimensional chess with your body your your your foot is the rook and then you want to uh that's the night take out your foot okay well well you just think about the arcs that it makes i mean your foot's the night you know what you're right rook straight line that's your that's your yeah okay it's chinese chess Your foot's the knight. And let's say the face is the pawn. Yes, that's headbutt. Yeah, just one small move. Yeah, you're just going for it.

You're kicking the person in the face because of strategy. Because you're thinking. Knight takes pawn. Yeah, if I kick this guy in the face, I will knock him unconscious, and then he can't fight me anymore. I will have won the game through strategy. Well, the brain's the king. That's right.

Knight takes pawn. Now the king's vulnerable. The king's in check because he's got a concussion. That's right. And you come at the king. You best not miss. Kill the brain. Yes.

Yes. And the crown will not be given. It must be taken. Zombies. Yes, if you saw Empire. Thanks so much for coming in, Paul. No more clips? Just the one?

Oh, God. We're supposed to do a lot more. We were supposed to. Part of what Scott wanted was for us to do a lot of clips. You whittled it down from, I think, 15 or 20 to two. It was 25. We went to two, and then we played just the one. It's a great clip, though.

It was good. It didn't clip though. It was good. It didn't meander. It was tight. What I like about these clips is how tight they are. Because our show, I'll be honest, can feel a little loose. That was a thing. That was another conversation. Another note was he was kind of like –

A little too loose. A little too free ranging. another note was he was kind of like a little too loose a little too free ranging a lot of the notes were kind of going back to just like three life hacks two style tips one voicemail

yeah one voicemail and then we're out and riddle me this yes and play riddle me this which is a nasty game and did we do did we ever which is a nasty game. And did we ever cut back in on where the ad is going to be? Does it have to be here? You know what we might want to do is just not do an ad this week, and I know people are going to be pissed.

Okay, so if there was no ad, then it was that we did get one. We did have one, but yeah. We decided not to do it. Was it cards? The cards thing, they stopped... Paying money. They stopped paying money for ads, which I think was like some kind of reference. Some symbol.

I think they want us to do this alt thing where it's like, this episode is not sponsored by Cards Against Humanity, and they asked us not to read an ad because they didn't even pay for one, which I refuse to do. And I know that's what that means. I know that's what they want.

Yeah, I mean, we can read between the lines. If somebody stops paying for ads, it's obviously some kind of signal to us that what they want us to do is this kind of indie alternative anti-ad. It's passive-aggressive.

It's passive-aggressive to not pay for advertising and then expect the people to figure out what you mean by that. Without even saying what you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

I find a lot of companies are doing this. Yeah, huh? Yes. Yeah? Corporations, it turns out, are not people. Yeah, sorry, George W. And between the freaking Democrats and the Republicans, this country is going in the shitter in a big way,

and there's only one way out, and I actually know it, and if you will, please visit my blog. I will give you all that information. And it is... Who is John Galt? Who is John Galt? Dot limos, dot diamonds. So

please do come check that out. And we, somebody bought the pro version and who is one of our, we have to start resetting our listeners. Are we doing the pro version this year too? What does that mean resetting our listeners? Well, because we have more episode

numbers than listeners. So it's the same people are coming around. To that point. Can you buy the pro version more than once? Here's what I would actually like them to do. Change their usernames. Oh! And so then we can shout them out more times. Sound like a new person. Sure.

Yes. Sure. Yes. Match Game 72. Did they buy it before? Yeah. Watch a Yakan. Sure, sure. Yes. Sure. That, yes. Match Game 72, did they buy it before? Yeah, I'm sure they did. Watch a Yakan? Yeah, let's do Watch a Yakan. Watch a Yakan. And his prize for the pro version, I guess we can do a quick best of clip of, what's another one we wanted to do?

Oh, well, there was, we wanted to do. Oh, well, there was... We have Schreiber. We could do him. Yes, when Liev was here, when Liev Schreiber was here talking about Ray Donovan and he accidentally made

a pretty unusual confession. Yes. Welcome, Liev, to the show. Thanks, you guys. You're so great on Ray Donovan. We thought we wanted to talk about what's it like working with John Voight. You know, it's great to work with John Voight. Things have been a little chilly on the set lately

because I stole his white scarf that he wears on the Chabad telethon oops bye bye this has been an Earwolf Media Production

Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.