Hollywood Handbook - Paul F. Tompkins, Our Belated Birthday Friend

Episode Date: July 12, 2022

The Boys catch up with PAUL F. TOMPKINS as Chef Kevin tries to do another surprise birthday party.Watch the video recording of this episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast hi kev hi sir are you recording or can you record please yeah i can is that him he's doing it now yeah there hold on it's it's paul right you said sir so it is paul i heard sir is that are you talking to paul i can't see anything because i'm because you have your hand over the yeah why are you doing why are you surprise surprise surprise what's this what's the surprise somebody had a birthday happy birthday it was somebody's birthday at some point wasn't it

yeah I mean I guess that's true it was somebody's birthday at some point perfect amazing incredible Kevin is that exciting for you? Are you fired up now, Kevin?

Yeah, this is perfect. Happy belated birthday, Paul. Oh, yeah, it's no, it is. Paul, I don't know if you remember and there's really no reason that you would. But the last time we had you, was um we did this like surprise birthday party thing and kevin was really happy with it it was like a really special he's been talking about it a lot yeah were you guys not happy with it i was absolutely fine with it to what i to the extent i remember it at all it totally went fine i didn't have any issues with it

i guess the only issue i do have totally quality was adequate yes if not good the whole posting process oh my god the way it was uploaded and the yeah you can stop you can stop data i get it i get it but but what i'll say is my only issue with it is is that it it was this sort of special singular moment in time and in terms of recreating that the the way we posted it was i I mean, that'll never happen again. That will never happen again. Each upload process is different in its own way. Yes.

People don't realize this, but this is sort of beautiful. This is what I wanted to say. Some are scary. Some are sad. You know how sometimes you just watch it go? You're sort of waving goodbye to it a little bit. Just a balloon floating off into the horizon, and you go, man.

Like a bird leaving a nest. A bird flies as well. I mean, anything skybound. You wouldn't wave goodbye to a balloon what if i drew a little face on it yes what if i put a little word bubble and it's saying bye and i also have a hand balloon next to it that looks like it's waving a hand a what a hand balloon a hand balloon like you'd blow up like a surgical glove fill a surgical glove with helium yeah okay or a hand balloon yeah and then i would use i would use a pipe cleaner to to make sure that it gives the illusion of like you don't want to just like banging into the balloon head so you want some

distance from it so it looks like it's waving. Or that the hand is directly attached. No, we don't wave like that. We don't wave by constantly smacking our hand into our head. And you need some separation between the hand and the torso. Yeah, separation between hand and torso. Not that, I mean, that's fine. It's great. If your hand is connected directly to your torso, that's fine. To me, it's amazing, actually.

It's better. But for balloon purposes yeah i'm waving like this now you know to justify the hand balloon well i'm just saying like it's i i'm just saying the pipe cleaner is a good idea because of all the ways that it could go wrong if you just kind of let it go. It has a graduate's cap on that's going off to college. I don't know how you're going to manage that. Pipe cleaners. It's all pipe cleaners.

Yeah. This thing's mostly pipe cleaners now. I'm afraid the weight is going to keep it. Put a blimp up there as well that says college or is like painted like a college or something like that i might have to put it on a drone sorry a blimp that's painted like a college yes that's cool that's cool like if the blimp is college colored using the same the same exterior paint that a college used yep okay yeah

you're using all the same yeah you could probably go i mean a lot of these colleges probably have a storage room where they just have the exact color that they used for the original i hope so yeah i hope so or or you go on their computer. If they have a file just like paint color file, you know, in a folder. Paint color dot JPG. Yeah. Yes. Ask Pantone. You pull that up too.

What if you were trying to get Pantone and you accidentally got Pantone? You guys ever had a big Pantone? Is that the shampoo? Oh, my God. Pantone and you accidentally got Panatone. You guys ever had a big Panatone? Is that the shampoo? Oh my god. Panatone? Now I know what I'm getting you for your birthday. Shampoo? No, it's not a shampoo. What if though? What if you

were trying to get Panatone and you accidentally got Pantene? Pantene? You were trying to get Pantene. This is much like a Marvel's one. To the Watcher. But what would happen if you went to get a dessert but instead you got some shampoo?

So you do know all this. It's Millenies. Pant-one. I know what it is now. Yes. Now that you... It took you saying Pantene for me to put the Panetone

in its proper context. Pantene had been missing from the equation for a little bit. And once it showed up, it was like the part of one of the Marvels. What if where I finally figure out what's happening? Yes. The Infinity Stones, et cetera. Kevin was hearing Pantone the whole time. Is that true, Kevin?

Kevin was hearing pant one the whole time. Is that true, Kevin? Just that very first sound that escapes when he's a lovely lady. Like Joey Fat One? That's what I heard. Is that weird? It's so weird. I think it's a blue dress, gold dress kind of thing.

I love a dress. He's talking about his house. He's talking about his house he's talking about his home he's confusing what he's supposed to say when he gets lost when he's just like out in the world that he gets found he's supposed to tell you're not just supposed to say address yeah it's like yeah you're lost say address or i love a dress excuse me sir i love a dress i'm lost i love a dress it ultimately me, sir. I love a dress. I'm lost. I love a dress. Ultimately, it's like, yeah, you want to go home. That's the same message. You love a dress.

Doctor, I'm lost. I love a dress. Take me. Officer, a dress is my favorite. Teacher. Please, teacher. Mrs. Teacher. Mom. Mom. I mean, favorite. Teacher. Please, teacher. Mrs. Teacher. Mom.

Mom. I mean, teacher. Oops. The worst. Mrs. Teacher. Mommy. I want to be lost in class. Lost in class.

What? I love my address. If you're a freshman, sometimes you're going to high school and you're going to a bigger school than you were at before. You can get lost yeah and it's time to go home i remember i went up i went up requirement i went up the downstairs uh and me and two other guys oh no and we were ridiculed ridiculed the opposite of the cow that they put in there as a prank can't stand cringe comedy i'm dying oh why does it my stomach oh no it's his brand it's his brand very confessional very at times very cringe yeah paul but i do it because i know there's somebody else out there

who walked up the downstairs it's visceral that's why it's so effective I didn't do that but I did something probably and what I do is I take a big knife

I take a butcher knife and I slit myself open and I say look see anything you can relate to see anything you like well i mean i don't want people to take my organs i want i want what i'm trying to do is say we're not so different see you don't like that part is you see anything you don't like that's yourself reflected back at you i like that okay here's go we can only truly hate what we recognize has the comedian we can only true hatred can be achieved

by recognizing what we hate in ourselves and until you can do that until you take that first step you can't truly hate is that what you're saying how are you gonna hate until you hate yourself you're gonna go out there trying to hate someone else when you haven't done the work to learn to hate yourself yeah how are you gonna find hate how are you gonna hate i'm sorry no you're gonna hate from outside the guts you can't even get in well to what obligation has the comedian? To offend. To offend. That's the obligation.

Delicious. What I do when I get on stage is I say, what do these people like? I'm going to say the opposite of that. But sometimes it just turns out that they like it. And perhaps to offend and perhaps to defend yourself. Nah. to defend yourself yourself yes the number one job of comedian i offend you it's just a joke leave me alone i i offend you it's just a joke how dare you the three stages of comedy the game has two you know there's two sides of the field there's offense and defense that's right so you gotta run back you gotta get back on d then i defend me yes

and sometimes the best the best offense is a very good very sometimes sometimes the best offense is to be incredibly offensive. You know? It's like... And the best defense is to continue to offend. That first one, the first offensive thing turned out to be just a pump fake. And then you got him in the air.

Yeah. Then you really go for then you draw a little contact yeah finish strong are you offended i did my job pay me now pay my ass are you are you offended and you're yelling at me about it no you don't get to do that my job is to offend you and also it's just a joke and don't even type it don't even no don't even send me a message about it how dare you you don't live in a real place keyboard warrior is anyone else sick of these keyboard warriors look i get up there in front of a bunch of people who are gonna love whatever i say and i say it and so that's brave and then these keyboard warriors who are hiding behind a screen have the gall because they weren't at the show i guess to say this sucks couldn't make it to the show so right there there, you're weak. You're a coward.

Yeah. Now suddenly you don't like what I did. Okay. You're lame. You suck. You weak coward. Come to the show next time and don't tell me there. Yeah.

But don't be like an in-person warrior. You don't like it. No, please don't be. Please. Don't be just a regular warrior. Worst thing other than a keyboard warrior what i think i like even less is an in-person warrior who confronts me to my face about my behavior can you imagine warriors what happened to our country to our society if somebody walks up to me and says hey hey, I thought what you did was wrong.

I'm like, this is disgusting. Cringe. Don't I have the I'm trying to eat my dinner or whatever. I'm trying to be in public. And now you talk to me. That's not allowed. I'm trying to continue. I'm trying to continue being rude.

You know what I mean? being rude you know what i mean i'm in the middle of being rude to you and you're suddenly like putting in the context of the situation and saying why my behavior is inappropriate and it's and you're interrupting me yeah and guess what like i'm trying to complete a task now you're going to make me be ruder. You brought this. I don't even want to do this. You're making me do it. I had chosen the level I was going to be rude at. Yes. And now I need to do it louder and twice as much because my feelings are hurt.

And you're not compensated to do it. I'm compensated. So that means you're not allowed. Yes. You're only allowed to do it. People want me to do this. I don't want you to do what you're not allowed. Yes. You're only allowed to do it. People want me to do this. I don't want you to do what you're doing to me. Case closed.

Look, I was going to be this rude, and I was done with it. Now I have to pay you because you're doing this? Uh-uh. No way. No way. No, no, no, no, no. You just ordered more. You just ordered more than exactly what you don't like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't even going to do more comedy, but now I guess I got to go back and do it and address this. Kevin, can we just sort of... Now my comedy's about you. Now my comedy's about you not liking my comedy. Because you can't take a joke. Yeah.

I just want to... Because you don't get jokes. I just want to address framing. Shut up, up wow whoa oh you're doing rude comedy now i'm doing comedy on you yes yes and i like it this is i have a normal reaction to this which i'm like normal he's like laughing and having fun kicks ass somebody told me i suck do it again i'm looking at i'm looking to get in as part of this it slaps it rips it's a bop oh it's busting it's giving me life I want to carve out a little just like the yeah let's okay we'll get back to this but let's let's take some time

the framing conversation with Kevin just like composition is what I want no no no backed out well now you actually look like no go back up no no no go back up to where you were now he looks like a funny dog actually looks like brian

like who like brian the dog from from family guy brian the dog can we talk about so when i was at family guy we lost brian you know i don't know if anyone remembers like it probably affected me a little more than you guys because i was actually there but we killed the dog we did lose brian uh sorry that yeah you don't get to tell me how i felt about brian like well i understand you were there i understand you were affected by i know how much you don't know how i know how much it meant brian has been to me yeah hasted what happened was it that the the dog who does the voice died in real life the dog brian yeah was struck by a car on camera oh and he died to put it simply yeah he died and so we and even seeing kevin like this now is really bringing back all the all those emotions are flooding back for me uh but i want to honor someone who when we need we were all just like, we were walking around the office, we could barely do the job, you know,

to have this family stay together. The thing about how I felt, I didn't even have a job. Yes. And who comes along but tony cerrico to voice vinny the the replacement dog for brian yeah exactly when we needed him didn't even have to call him he was right there and i don't see anyone and that's what do you mean you have to call him he was right there like he was just he was at the offices of family guy yeah he's flipping a coin you can feel you when when family guy needs you you feel it tony like those cats in the nursing homes yeah and stewie was very reluctant to accept vinny stewie's the baby. No problem. Vinny continues

doing his service as the dog. Sorry, Paul. Thank you for saying that. People forget that. He's a baby. It's very easy to forget. This is a baby. There's a baby we're talking about. This is a baby.

It's going to take a minute to adjust to Vinny. Go ahead, Hayesze you were saying and then uh of course like stewie again once again i and i feel i have to remind everyone actually given what i'm about to say that this is a baby yeah stewie gets his time machine that he had destroyed sorry haze does. Do you think that some people, when they hear the name Stewie, they think that he's like a pot of stew? No. Do you think?

But I'm not saying. I'm saying, do you think that's possible that there's somebody out there, they hear the name Stewie, and they're like, oh, one of the characters on the show is like a pot of stew that talks. Is that a bull? That's fun to imagine. That's fun to imagine. Yeah.

It's fun to imagine the stew, and it's fun to imagine the person who thinks of the stew yeah and the stew is is piping hot at all times and it's just is it always i guess it's just always on the stove so any scene that takes place in the kitchen you're likely to hear from so now it is a pot yeah you said bowl for a second i i made a mistake i made a mistake and and i i maybe i was thinking it would be nice to have a bowl of stew from that pot of stew yeah um because i haven't had stew in a long time and what do you think the stew says is it is it hot in here is it just me something like that it's both stew don't don't don't eat me you're fat enough you're griffin the patriarch of the

the griffin family it's both it is hot it's a summer stew whatever you're walking through and you go man i could go for some stew i wonder if this stew's finally ready and then the stew goes not yet not quite yet. Another few minutes. He could live forever that way. You know, always go like, almost, almost. Let's give it another hour. Then the person walks away. And then the stew says to himself, like, low and slow, baby.

Low and slow. Because the stew started to bubble and then you turn it. Somebody turns it down. Maybe Lois. Turn it down. The wife of the family. Lo bubble and then you turn it somebody turns it down maybe lois the wife of the family lois and slowest down lois and slowest and slowest that's that i feel like could be merch sure for family guy the tv show if i mean if in the world in the world where the stew is a character the sentience was a car if suey was a pot of stew yeah who was saying and it was the and what it said was you know what we landed on maybe third or fourth then uh and then part of the story was that the

he was turned down by lois yeah did they ever did they ever do a crossover a family guy an american dad wow could they i mean american guy family family dad family dad they both work my dad both honestly you don't you don't actually have to change you both it should be an hour it should be an hour long episode american guy comma family dad so they did they did a simpsons crossover this is my first episode on the show real do you remember what the simpsons crossover was called you do you were inspired by the simps guy simpsons guy simpsons guy don't overthink it simpsons guy is fine that seems like a that's that's a very for your first episode that seems like a very har that's a very for your first episode that seems like a very harrowing episode to have to to write do all by myself yeah oh my god i have to learn

who all these different simpsons are they throw me into the deep end i go well i work for family i don't work for the simpsons it wasn't my job to know who every simpsons was yeah so you make the simpsons look bad. They don't get any joke lines. That's the trick. They're all information. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd actually like to see that.

I think that would be very entertaining. Kevin has some kind of little thing. You have some birthday, your little treats. So is this to celebrate my birthday from last September or is a pre-September is the month? Okay, yeah, I was curious about that. I think that was the idea.

This was what Kevin was sort of pushing. We haven't seen you since. And I thought like... I don't think so. Okay. Beautiful. The other time we did it, I was sort of thinking it would lead to like... I'm happy. so. Okay. The other time we did it, I was sort of thinking it would lead to us being invited onto something,

live show, podcast, something like that. Didn't work out that way. That's the day of my life. Kevin suggested it, I figure. If I die today, I've done done it couldn't hurt to rev the engine again see see what you know i'm gonna try to shake the tree see what falls out okay praying that god kills me here's your first message philadelphia wait paul do you know where this is dang it you spoiled it

the Philadelphia Zoo yeah I do the penguins at Philadelphia Zoo and Logan would like to wish you a very happy birthday we hope to see you soon and we hope you have an awesome day which one's Logan

there he is which one's logan there he is unbelievable i like that sound of their little feet unbelievable that we pay for kevin to take an entire trip to the philadelphia zoo and this is what this is what he brings back this is what comes back wait kevin was that your voice no that was my friend jared who works there now he didn't even film it himself well i had to take a second trip because the first one he worked there before you met him there because we were co-workers you became friends you became friends with her there and you didn't work there well i had that was my second trip.

You getting to feed the, like, you know, give the penguins kippers, you don't work there. You being a part of the show, like. Like, if you feed goats at a petting zoo, you give them the little pellets. You're not an employee. You're not a zookeeper. But you're performing the task that is a task of the workers. Sure.

But it's the same as, like, you know, being a volunteer at a magic show you're not a magician well but when you're a volunteer at a magic show you're never performing one of the tasks that the magician would normally do but then why are you there at all if you're not like the magician would never be picking a card only the volunteer picks a card but why eating the penguin that is the task of the employee well they could have but yeah but okay all right you know what okay yeah that's fair that's fair that's no that's fair sean he's had some work there yeah that's fair that's absolutely fair that's absolutely fair it was a flawed example on my part and I apologize.

Then I guess it's like if you if you go to Do you want to take five, man? You want to jump out of this game and just cool out? No. No. It's like if you go to a baseball game and you're wearing a jersey. How about throwing out

the first pitch at the baseball game? Yes. thank you. That doesn't make you a player for the team. No, you're not on the team. Even if you're wearing a jersey, you're not on the team. That is something the players do, but you're not... But you're not... No, you're not getting paid to do that.

You didn't go to baseball college. You are not... And that's the equivalent of feeding the penguins. thank you yeah thank you i appreciate that good example paul and paul thinks that they shouldn't be paid for throwing a pitch in a baseball game like that it's a child's game yeah i'm saying that's right i'm saying nobody should be paid that's why you're wearing a philly's cap You're like, does this look hard to you? Yeah. I did this myself.

Here's what I think. Can I get a billion bucks now? Here's what I think. I put it on too. Baseball players, if they want to earn money and literally earn it, they should just get a cut of the door. That's how we should do it. And the better they play, the more fans come,

the more money they make. Okay. And maybe they get some of the concessions too. Like they get 20% of the concessions. If they're really moving units, if they're able to, as they're playing, push some of the higher end concessions. And it should be a bringer.

It should be a bringer. Baseball games should be bringer events. You should definitely start out having to do that. And then when you're super established, when you become like a big star, like I don't know the name of any baseball stars because I just don't believe in that. Don Drysdale.

When you start to get the biggest cheers, that's how they know who people like the most. And look, as far as the bringer aspect goes, if each player is responsible for four people, both teams, right? And including managers, coach, base coaches, stuff like that, that's not hard to do, right?

And then everybody else will be... Four people? No. Four people per person. Sorry, just in case people are confused. Well, and someone else might discover someone they you know they're a big fan of yeah because they came just as a favor to like their for their work friend exactly and all of a sudden they're like i found my new favorite baseball player tonight yeah and i think people would do that i think people would go i think if you were

a successful baseball player uh you know if you're like if you're if you're like mike trout and you say hey you talk to you know like your wife three of your friends you say could you guys please come to my baseball game i think they would go sure they like you they think you're good you are no you have a big circle yeah no i but for me my thing about baseball i never have to pay for it what is that how do you do that just comes to him baseball fight me i don't why i don't pay why by the cow that yeah yeah why by the cow yeah yeah yeah yeah absolutely i think if if i want to see baseball i think i'll be able to find it he's just just walking around. You know, you say the right things.

A little baseball game breaks out. There's always baseball happening somewhere. Yep. In major metropolitan areas. If you know where. People are listening. If they aren't baseball people, they're hearing like trout and dry stale. Are these more stews?

Is this stew again? Trout is definitely a stew, for sure. Dry stale? A dry stale stew? Oh, no, not dry and stale. I'm sorry. I think I wasn't enunciating properly.

But Don Drysdale, who invented lemonade and iced tea. Oh. Dandy Don Drysdale. And he used to do the commercials for it. He would fall in the pool. Am I washing down my stew with this?

Yeah. Yeah. My Drysdale stew. And he has Drysdale's own, which famously all of the profits go to him that's right yeah he reminds people every don't forget all the prophets go to me i made it was my idea was that the only video there's actually seven more yeah so kevin really i just wanted to mention like it's sort of pathetic to try to recapture

like art doesn't work this way like you don't do whatever this amazing first episode we did with the cameos you know i i can acknowledge that the upload process counterpoint counterpoint ted too i almost think i might need a breather i mean i i feel like paul when he brought up the magician thing i look like a total fucking idiot right now because what i was saying he immediately dismantled and i'm almost unable to continue with the show can i think of something oh there have been bad sequels right a couple but ted 2 i think was the first birthday cameo episode and ted 1 is more like this one so the lightning in a bottle was ted 2. Ted 1 was... And Hayes saved me.

You know, Ted 1, you got to open the bottle. You got to put it outside, all that stuff. You got to do the work. So Ted 1 was an empty bottle with a cork next to it sitting outside in the yard. And a little piece of filament inside to attract lightning. That makes sense. I buy buy it i buy it it's uh belated birthday wishes you turn 30 on the 22nd of this month you love the show and you're part of the family business and you enjoy the

family dynamics your wife is vict, and you have two daughters. You're the cover boy of Housing Wire Mag as the 2021 rising star. Counsel in the Senate banking and drafted the Forbearance Provision of the CARES Act. Oh, my God. What a smart fellow, Matt, you are. Clearly, clearly. But do you tell people on a regular basis, Matt, you are. Clearly, clearly. But do you tell people on a regular basis, which you should tell them,

you don't want to get in your face, just tell them to fuck the fuck off. That's what I do. And it seems to work. Happy belated birthday. Wow, really nice. In case you sustain an injury that erases your memory we wanted to do one cameo that was just someone reciting facts to you about your life brian cox

just fills the details back in yeah just reads a list and then yeah brief commentary brief commentary at the end yeah a little yeah a little bit of like and this is you know uh and then a an attempt to get into his famous catchphrase which i think is maybe he didn't want to do the full fuck off because he gets yeah he gets paid a lot more to say that exactly why does he think people are going to get in that guy's face you know should tell them yeah because i didn't hear that on the list i didn't hear that unless you're all people always getting in your face but if you're when you're on the you wouldn't know this but a or a lot of people wouldn't know this i guess but maybe you would

when you're on the cover of housing Wares Magazine. Housing Wares Mag. Everybody, everybody. It's the old gunslinger routine, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody who rolls into town wants to prove themselves against the champ. They want to make a legend by killing a legend. Exactly.

It's sad. The gunslingers make me sad when I think about them. You kidding? It's a terrible time. I'm crying every night about the gunslingers make me sad when i think about them you kidding it's a terrible time i'm crying every night about the guns thinking about the gun i pray for them i pray for them when i say my prayers at night because i know a lot of them are in hell main prayers yeah yeah some are in purgatory probably some of them but they know they're going to hell. Yeah. They killed a lot of bad guys, too. Yeah, exactly. The gunslingers walking around thinking like, oh my God, I'm being like Dexter.

But you're waiting for the tally to come in. This is so crazy. I'm being exactly like Dexter right now. How Dexter am I right now? Okay, I'm on my Dexter shit. I'm giving Dexter am I right now? Okay, I'm on my Dexter shit. I'm giving Dexter? I'm killing bad Bart? Is this Dexter enough for you?

Okay. Big Dexter energy. Hashtag BDE. BDE. There we go. Yes. There we go. That's fun. I fun i like that x energy yes big yeah dex energy but if big big decks i think killing bad bart but people might think dex shepherd

if you're not if because it's if you got it quickly this is going to be written out it has to be written this is all going to be yeah no so it's like on the t-shirt it's yeah it's bde and with an asterisk and then at the bottom and small letters spelled out big dexter energy and then on the back a picture of dexter why not well i wouldn't mind getting a picture of dexter in there a nice looking guy and never a bad thing to remember that um when you hear about a bad serial killer that there are some good ones who only kill other serial killers exactly you know about a bad serial killer, that there are some good ones who only kill other serial killers.

Exactly. You know, one bad apple, right? Like, don't... For every John Wayne Gacy, there's probably five Dexters. Yeah. The Dexters outnumber the other ones. And we don't know about them

because they don't want to get caught like your traditional serial killer is trying to get caught and eventually does. Somebody please stop me from doing what I'm doing. Exactly. And then Dexter goes, well, I will stop you from doing what you're doing. That's right. And I'm not looking to get praise for it. Yeah, I'm not trying to get famous.

I'm just trying to enjoy my orange juice that I have every morning. Fresh squeezed orange juice. Sure, every morning fresh cream podcast are pretty good and and and so this might be a really big episode for us because we mentioned true crime we mentioned we got all into we got into you know all of the dexter what dexter has for breakfast you were just talking about the orange juice dex fist this is yes dexter of course didn't really call this so this is this is a fake crime podcast is what we're doing right now oh i guess that's right i like this he mentioned john wangasey yeah oh yeah that's true but it's like when wolf blitzer

is in the avengers or some shit you know what I mean? So that makes the world real. So by saying that John Wayne Gacy and Dexter exist in the same universe, it legitimizes it. Are you thinking of Mission Impossible Fallout? When they needed the scientist to give them the codes and he would only do so if they were to call wolf blitzer right and so they would read his manifesto on air right which is that there can be no peace without great sacrifice and the greater the sacrifice the greater the peace yeah and ethan makes a call wolf wolf begins

reading the manifesto on air to the delight of the scientist and once it has been read to his satisfaction he delivers the the access codes for it's too late because he's as good as his word for it's too late anyway yes and he keeps his promises and robin hood style yeah and then ethan declares pull it at all four walls of the set that created drop at the same time as you do when you rap when it's time to strike all right everyone that's a rap click pull the walls down walls yeah it's time to strike all right everyone that's a wrap click pull the walls down yeah it's very dangerous to finish production on anything because they immediately collapse all of the structures that have been i mean seasoned people you know know to get out of the way yes

uh you know what when i i did a sleep study and uh the room that i slept in felt very much like a fake a fake room that where they in felt very much like a fake room where they could pull the walls down immediately after I left. Wow. So that part was cool. And I was hooked up to a bunch of wires. I don't know if you got that. That wasn't even Wolf Blitzer.

It was Benji. Right. But here's, okay, so maybe I was thinking, in Avengers, maybe I was thinking of Pat Kiernan. There must have been a real person. Pat Kiernan. Yeah, Pat Kiernan. There must have been a real person. Yeah, Pat Kiernan. He got shot by an arrow in The Avengers. Right there on the set of New York 1. He's doing the news.

He got shot by a stray Hawkeye's arrow. Under the desk. He just got it and went through through it you can't even see it you see like a little there's a little moment of like yeah what'd you learn at your sleep study paul uh that i didn't have any problems and i didn't need to do it that i slept fine and what had uh been concerning was that i had had more um i'd had some extra weight on me and that was causing me to uh to snore hey well you know what i always say if you want to sleep better just study i get it makes me speaking of uh when i extra weight i feel like i'm waiting a long time for

this next video. The video. Hey, Paul, how are you, my friend? It's your Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. And I want to wish you a very happy 35th birthday on December the 21st. I know you wanted me to celebrate by chugging a glass of milk on your birthday, but I can't right now because I'm on vacation and there's no milk here. But I promise you, the day I meet you, we will celebrate with a glass of milk. Take care and God bless and have a great birthday, my friend.

Oh, it's true. It's damn true. Wow. Even more conviction than when he did it in the ring. I don't know. He was like holding back all these years in the ring i don't know he was like holding back all these all these years in the ring can i say he kind of he kind of knocked brian cox's dick in the dirt like he crushed it compare comparatively he didn't feel that that's what he's built for he didn't feel the need to

segue into the catchphrase you just do the catchphrase every one of brian cox's cameos just at the end he can go now fuck off yeah yeah yeah he doesn't have to come up with this whole like build imaginary scenario architecture i hope very much you are saying or you remember to say you should be telling folks of what to say of this when they try and to get it near you as you are besieged by that's like Kurt Angle saying like and you know when people come up to you and they say something along the lines of like oh is today your birthday I it's it's my wish that you'd respond with oh it's true it's damn true where do you think he is that there's no milk gosh yeah i was curious

about that as well what i did like i thought this was a very clever gambit is that he yes he sidesteps the milk before you have time to even put together that there probably is milk wherever he's on vacation he goes but i promise to chug milk with you when we meet in person and it's like oh we're gonna meet in person it's like well no you're probably not and and now you're it's a safe thing to lock yourself into but now you have two issues if you meet in person you're gonna have to drink a whole glass of milk and the person is going to ask where you were that there wasn't any milk this is the thing is that now you've got a lot of time this scenario that it is possible this guy could meet kurt angle the possibility

that they meet where there is milk readily available on hand i think that now possibly that is very it's pretty out there because it's just like when i was on vacation there's no milk anywhere yeah but then what if it's like a houdini situation where um you know he doesn't even know who this kurt angle doesn't even know who this guy is but this guy has taken what kurt angle said very seriously yeah he knows he's going to be somewhere he he finds him he's got two ice cold glasses of milk and he's like hey kurt and then kurt turns around he he like somehow he gets the milk down kurt's throat when he's not ready for it and then that kills him hours later

somehow maybe he's on vacation in his car i believe there's no milk in there there's not supposed to be like just going like hey you know what i'm going on vacation for a half hour i'm gonna go sit in my car i'm taking my vacation maybe he thinks vacation is is like the same as break well it is i mean yeah why do people love making videos in their cars so much oh gosh paul is that a real question i want well yeah like why did he do that in his car why was that i don't understand where would you have him to it like he could do it in his home now he's on vacation yeah he's on vacation

oh i'm sorry in his car okay all right yeah so i guess all these people are on vacation in their cars i think so and i'm the weird one you just you're just overdue for a vacation is what it is paul i was in my car damn workaholic now i was take a break man go to your car make some videos unwind you're so fucking tense dude i'm worried about you lighten up man all right well thank you and maybe maybe i do need to take a little vacation i think you've earned a couple videos in your car my man what's a funny place to say that he's on vacation there's no milk can you think of one pita pita headquarters uh-huh pita headquarters okay yeah that's good yeah vegans has no milk yeah hollywood handbook this week on the patreon the boys tease an upcoming pro version carl and lisan record a summertime hit and the flagrant ones

are mostly talking all things basketball check out all these shows and the video for today's episode with pft at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones holly Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready-to-eat meals. Every fresh, never-frozen meal is chef-crafted, dietitian-approved, ready-to-go in just two minutes. Speaking of ready-to-go in just two minutes, Chef Kevin is here with his new show, The Chef Kevin Factor,

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You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah. Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do it's supposed to help you stay a lot of these i know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that reservation for two me walking in my bedroom what's the second it's you and your bed bed i guess clippy fuel up fast with factors restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are pancake smoothies and more discover a wide variety of easy options for

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Babbel now has visual in-person lessons. Part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages is handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Babbel is designed by real people for real conversations, and that includes body-based conversations. What does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger

and they kind of like draw it towards them? They're pulling it. What does that mean? Does their finger hurt? I wonder if they spotted a spider web or something. They're trying to pull down the spider web. But I've seen this too a spider web or something. They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a lot of dates.

And I need and have needed something like Babel to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger? Because it looks like an emergency. I know I was supposed to do something. Or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as i'm going

that's what i've been doing dangerous yeah but some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners i'm sure babbles tips and tools are approachable accessible rooted in real life situations at which I have all the time and delivered with conversation based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University and others can't feel good to be others. They're continued to prove Babbel is better.

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a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys that's rocketmoney.com slash the boys rocketmoney.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys kevin you can just play the videos you don't you don't have to like this one i want to play like the first 10 seconds and then skip a minute in okay okay paul hello it's me pa Paul Paul, Paul Paul, Paul Hey, Paul Listen Thank you very much for being a big fan I really appreciate that, genuinely

Okay, he makes a bunch of movie references To Pee-wee's Big Adventure You said you loved the movie Well Let's see, what else? i don't know where you're from i don't know how old you're turning but i would like to shout out nay sing happy birthday to you he got to rest it again the vice squad just comes in from behind that curtain because he's at a peep show um i thought you knew the turbs he you know what i like is how natural it feels he didn't

over plan for this thing no when you get to the like what else else? What else? That's a good cameo. You're not trying to get out of there. No. And he's honest because he's saying, here's the things I don't know about you. I was not provided this information. As if to indicate I should have been provided this information. Little shade at the request. Absolutely.

Letting you know it's not my fault. And you can blame whoever bought this video for you. You're probably wondering why I'm not mentioning some of this essential birthday message material. Yes. It's because your loved one fucked up. Sin of omission, they call it. Hey, Paul.

What's up? It's Tony Hawk. I just want to say happy birthday to you, 34. That seems so young to me. I'm 52. So you have a bright future ahead of you. Thanks for being a fan.

I appreciate all the support, especially that you played Pro Skater and Underground. It doesn't matter if you didn't skate. I feel like that was the idea of creating those games that you could skate

virtually and vicariously through these characters and come up with awesome tricks and big scores that's the fucking point dumbass hey i'm still playing it too i hope you might have got i hope you know that the remaster is out because it's just as fun i promise as the original uh anyway uh keep up the good work and uh stay positive but wait if the point of the game is that people who don't skate can enjoy skating then why is tony hawk playing the game it's true because he doesn't say you can play the game even if you don't skate he's saying i uh correct me if i'm wrong but i thought the point was

you don't have to skate to play the game or you don't if you don't only what did he say he said i i thought the point was and i think that was the point that only right that only people who don't skate can play the game i think right is that what he said i i believe if i recall correctly what he said was i can't believe you played these two games. That's rocking my fucking world right now. Yeah. He also said, you're guaranteed to have a bright future because I'm older than you. He said, 34 sounds so young. I'm 52.

So you have a really bright future ahead of you. Then he said, it's okay that you didn't skate. Actually, that's the whole fucking point dumbass yeah is that only people who don't skate can play the game i like he goes i'm playing the game what yeah he really he does such a mind fuck on this kid and i love that he he like sets it up like he's this is it's it's gaslighting and i love it. I'm here for it. I love it. He's like, oh, you're a big fan. I'm going to fuck with your brain right now.

Yeah, let me just crawl and set up shop inside your head and I'm going to be staying for a while. Let me take a hammer and tongs to your cerebellum. I like seeing his house from like how it looks on camera like compared to like in

person that was interesting um his house was his house in the video it's his it's his property sorry it's like not like his house house but like i thought like he traveled his yard like to a valley over to get his house in the background. He lives in these roll at the top of this big hill that's covered in tall grass. It's beautiful. Yeah. But the skater's temptation, he calls it, because it's this amazing hill, but the grass is so tall. But he's thinking like-

So hard to skate on. I could maybe- If anyone can do it anyone could i maybe skate it okay so there's skateboards there's snowboards why aren't there grass board why is this money being left on the table it makes me mad what would that look like i guess it has a little mower in the front it has little lawnmower blades in the front and it's got sort of taller wheels but then of course some kid is gonna get his hand fucking chewed up by it and then nobody can have it he's gonna right pitch forward on the grass board and the warning labels on this get all mowed up yeah he'll get mowed up

my kid was mowed by your product yeah well you didn't teach him how to fall look at was mowed by your product. Yeah, well, you didn't teach him how to fall. Look at my mowed child. When you bail off the grass board, ma'am, you don't lie it out in front of it. Yeah. There's a mower on it. It's a grass board. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

You read the warning label, man, the stickers they put on this thing, huh? If I fell off the Yungle Yim when I was a kid and I fell on the ground, then I learned to climb the Yungle Yim better. You know what I'm saying? Or don't climb it. Maybe Yungle Yim is not for you. Mostly I learned to stay away from it. Isn't that how they pronounce that beer where you come from?

Jingling? It all sounds the same to me. I can't help you. I'm sorry. Jingling. Okay, last three. Hey, Paul. It's your girl Snoopy Snooks.

And I just wanted to say happy 34th birthday. You're getting old, bitch. I'm just kidding. You're not getting old. You're fabulous. Keep being amazing. But I wanted to say thank you for all of your support. Oh, my God.

My hair is a mess. Sorry. But I wanted to say thank you for all of your support. I want my money back. I know you watched me on WrestleMania, and I have to say that was like the top three most amazing things I've ever done. So thank you for loving me on that because I was so nervous. But yeah, I just wanted to say happy 34th birthday. You are amazing. And I want you to spiral and get drunk

and enjoy yourself because you are amazing. And I love you so much. So happy birthday, boo. Love ya. Snoopy snooks. she's a new MetLife mascot so it's like you see on the blimp you see Charlie Brown, Linus, Lucy Snoopy Snooks yeah I didn't realize she was involved in the world of

wrestling now haven't really kept tabs on either her or wrestling chugs milk like everyone else is that mostly what they do now they just is that a trend that's that's happening in in wrestling is they they're drinking a lot of milk is that is that a signal to white supremacists like they're saying you know you're watching no it's taking it back oh i like what are you supposed to do not drink a big glass of milk

now because these guys are doing it no we're because we're adults i like it's like when um when when you two took back um helter skelter from charles manson for the on behalf of the yeah and being for the beatles being weird and wacky and random yes like all the stuff that he tried to like make this is like a bad thing being random yeah no it was it was really hard to be random for a while yeah um and not draw an unfavorable comparison making like little noises we can't do that anymore like a charles fleischer type personality doing like a crazy face going like it's pretty random and then in the early 70s they would compare you to charles manson yeah and that was so unfortunate because it's like just making my little noises take away our little noises that we make

when we're just hanging around being random with our friends and if you were under five seven people were like you're like charles manson yeah people crossing the street yeah and now we have short kings yes well if you're squatting on a ranch remember you anytime you would squat on an old man's squat goals yeah it was oh oh it was major squat goals for me but then everyone go like what is this like another manson situation i go oh yeah oh yeah no yes you know i'm making your followers kill yeah trying to start a race war if you if you there was a time where if you did that people would compare you to charles manson no if you were do if you were genuinely trying to start an innocent race war and not even saying which who you were rooting for or anything and you were

sort of building an underground bunker a race where there was not just a way to wait it out no that you your whole thing was you were just going to wait it out. You weren't even going to fight in the war. No. You were going to chill out, and then when it was done, you were going to come and go like, hey, watch with all the race wars, everybody. Can we relax and cool it?

I've got an idea. Follow me. He did not do a good job of that. I we can say now yeah the rate and i sort of wonder if his followers were like hearing the plan and being like how is this gonna gonna start a race i think in retrospect you're not really doing it yeah in retrospect we can look back at charles manson and what he did and say this guy was not perfect and he didn't have it all figured out i'm not offended by that i i think it is okay i think it is okay to criticize in that way and say hey some of the methodology you know was flawed it was flawed and it's hard to see it when you're up close to it but with some distance i think we could say

some of what charles manson did was in error yeah helter skelter the song helter skelter is a living document and i guess we only saw phase one of the plan too like who knows how it could have that's fair maybe killing the producer who the beach boys producer who rejected his songs or, or whoever was in their house. What kind of world would we be living in today? Yeah. That,

that could have kicked off a race war like two steps later. Potentially. Yeah. I mean, it's like, I guess here I, I sit with 2020 hindsight vision and say, it's like, I guess here I sit with 2020 hindsight vision and say. It's 2022.

Why didn't you check who even lived in the house? Like, it wasn't even the person in the house who was your intended target. And then, you know, now I'm being rude. Do you think it's 2020? No, no. He says 2020 hindsight because the glasses have the two because of glasses the 2022 hindsight you can barely see yeah that's not no you wouldn't be able to tell kevin that would be perfect perfect that would have been perfect this is a different penguin

video i just wanted to showcase their that looks like lo like Logan to me. I think this is Logan. And I think they've... He's just stepping on the food? I just wanted to showcase their like improvement in production value. So here it is. Well, it's still in portrait. The penguins at Philadelphia Zoo want to say congratulations to Jane and all the tax warriors at Drucker and Scissetti. 30 years of success is a wonderful milestone.

Wow. And the penguins are waddling with excitement and celebrating with you. From all of us here at the zoo, congratulations and cheers to 30 more. And cut. Guys. Cut. And cut. That's a cut.

We have it. Cut the camera. Stop film. Stop. Cut means stop filming. Oh, were you talking to me? That's how cut. We have it. Cut the camera. Stop film. Stop. Cut means stop filming. Oh, were you talking to me? That's how. Yeah, that's how it played out.

Guys, we had an amazing year. We had a great year at Drucker and Scossetti. So we had, you know, we like we've been very fortunate. We had a little extra money around. We were able to put together sort of a gift for all of you. What a great boss. Can you turn down the lights, please? Scissetti, we lost Scissetti this year.

Trying to send this to the screen. Trying to send this to the screen. I'm pressing the little... It looks like a little TV, right? I press that? Scissetti, he was the tech guy another great year of taxes and i know how much everyone probably loves penguins all right last one hey paul alice cooper here gonna be 34 all right well you know i'm gonna do your birthday song a little bit later.

But when you talk about cameos in movies, you know, you pick certain movies that you think that you can do well in. I'm up for a part as the third fastest gun in the West in this other movie coming up. And it's right. Everything's been postponed because of COVID. So we'll see what happens on that one i get a lot of movie offers and i just kind of i take the ones that i think will be most interesting you should ask the producers uh the character and anyways i am gonna sing a song for you paul it looks better on imdb here we go i wrote the song in just a minute A minute and Paul, you're in it.

This is your birthday song. It isn't very long. Well, you're only going to be 34, so you don't get the rest of the song until you're 68. You have to double your age, okay? Happy birthday. The nose scratch at the end wow his assistant does not like him the realist thing i just imagine showing him showing him and then taking the phone away before the no scratch like and yeah you're good okay good i'll send it he does get a lot of movie offers i get a lot of

movie offers but i picked the ones that i think are gonna be interesting to me and he also it seems has some sympathy for the gunslinger the texture type gunslinger that we thought of before he wants to get get inside their bones and really embody them he wants to do he wants to do have his makeup on and his assistant told him that like if he sits in front of the greed screen they could put it on later yeah sure just sit in front of this greed screen yeah i'll do all the post on this cameo we'll do all of it i'll cut the thing at the end that you did i'll send this to skywalker and then they'll do their magic and then it'll go to the sky.

I don't know if people realize this, but you can only buy a cameo for someone if they're in their mid-30s. Yeah. That's why all the ages were 34 and 35. 34. A lot of 34.

A couple 35s here, but what are they doing there? They cut it off at 38 that's the oldest age you can be to receive a cameo well it's like you get a whole field of cameo requests and then you go you get one for somebody who's like 39 you're like i'm not gonna do this shit you shouldn't have grown out of it by that point yeah pathetic 39 year old loser even even drekker and 30 was 30 it's true it's true even that tax business cameos for people or institutions from 30 to 38 and that it. And you shouldn't want it before then, and you certainly shouldn't want it after. That's it.

Goodbye. Because 30... Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.