Hollywood Handbook - Paul F. Tompkins, Our Birthday Party Friend

Episode Date: September 15, 2020

The Boys host a surprise birthday party for PAUL F. TOMPKINS with some help from a few close friends.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Well, we would just do, I mean, again, it would be a lot more involved than anything we've done. Shut up, shut up. Hello? Hello, is anyone there? Surprise! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! hello hello is anyone there happy birthday happy birthday i don't i don't know why that is part of it it's not haunted house birthday scare birth oh birthday scare it's the official birthday scare

guys you got me i was not expecting this at all you were so freaked out man i was freaked out yeah i wish you could have seen the look on your face paul and i don't want to be gross but do you need to like change your drawers yeah i avoided i avoided my bowels and bladder because everything i was everything. I was not expecting this. But you know what? I mean, you got me, so I'll sit in my own filth. And that's what the birthday boy does, is nobody can shame you for it.

My first birthday, that's how it was, right? Isn't that right? It was covered in just inside stuff. Cradle to the grave. You are in your own excrement in some way or another. Not at cradle and at grave, but from the cradle to the grave, you are in your own excrement. Everything in between, yeah.

Yeah. What are we if not constantly covered in our own shit no it's it's true that's humanity right shakespeare shakespeare would have agreed happy birthday happy birthday thank you has anyone else done a birthday show entirely? It's about your birthday. No, they sure haven't. Okay. Let's talk about. You know, when I got the last minute invitation last night from Kevin,

texted me and said, could you do Halloween? And I said, sure. And then as soon as I responded, I thought, they're not gonna... This is not connected to my birthday, right? Couldn't be, right? Couldn't be. But we're the only ones who were thinking about you.

And thank God you chose to spend your birthday doing Hollywood Handbook, universally regarded as one of the most unpleasant experiences someone can't endure doing a podcast always referred to as a nuisance and this one in particular universally regarded as such so uh it's lucky you thought, you know,

oh, I'm doing this favor for them, but actually it's a favor for you. It is a big birthday party. I can look. It's on my birthday. I can do whatever I want. That's the rule. That's the rule.

And I chose to do this. I didn't completely, I didn't have all the facts, but I did choose to do it with you know some knowledge that a thing like this could occur traditional birthday scares little birthday you're the first ones you're the first ones to give me the scares today first birthday scare in the whole day wow that feels so good september 12th that's right paul's birthday birthday share with another famous paul is that right sure you don't know i don't know paul walker oh don't know excuse me excuse me paul maybe you haven't seen the bumper sticker that says if i was going very fast and that i died do not be sad for me yes for i was going so fast. Going too fast. If I was going so fast and I die, don't be sad for me because I was going so fast.

Yes. Happy. Happy. Happy fast. I have seen that bumper sticker. So that, think about that. Well, then why did you say, oh, you should have been like, all right. Because I didn't get it until now.

And now I say, now is the time for all right. Yes. And especially you shouldn't go, aw, because honestly, somebody stops you on the street and goes, okay, there's two famous Pauls born on this date. Which one's going to fucking win? Hey, do we know the birth date of the fictional character Paul Blart his name he's born on Halloween

yeah are we sure that's canon he's born on Halloween and he hates Halloween and on the show we referred him by his name in the original draft which was Paul Mall it was just Paul was Paul Mall.

It was just Paul Mall. Paul Mall Red. Paul Mall. Okay. Other birthdays on this date. Greg Gutfeld. Whoa. Absolutely.

Absolutely. He's, who is he again? He's the Fox guy. He's J.J. jj abrams he's buddies with jj who's the greg that has a name like that that's like a conservative dude that oh wait no i know i got him confused oh it is greg gutfeld is the is the conservative guy i was thinking greg grunberg greg grunberg better luck next time. That's right. And I just blindly followed Hayes into the fucking volcano. Ben Folds.

That's right. Ben Folds and I share a birthday. You guys talk about that. What? You know, what do you think he's doing for his birthday? Today. Do you think he's celebrating with some friends? Well, why do you think

we had to ask you at the last second? Because he had plans with... He was having a physically distant party with the Legion of Skanks. The entire Legion got together. The whole Legion is here?

The whole Legion. What? The whole Legion of Skanks is here? here okay turn on the lights thank you with your dick surprise you fucking cocksucker james fray james fray fray oh i hope he got a million little presents Ruben stuttered wait the velvet teddy bear Yao Ming that one I did not see coming wow and R Stud

and J Hud R Stud and J Hud were born on the same day concert the three of you could put on the birthday concert that you guys could perform a concert i honestly and then on keys what louis ck opens cameo by greg grunfeld because jj abrams directed it it's it so it's got to put him in there please stop rubbing our face in that mistake what if it's okay it's a wrong missy scenario is cast he's doing the big felicity reunion and Greg Gutfeld shows up on set. Whoops. Even though

he's known him for years. But he invited him over text. You know what? I'm finally going to... I know Greg so well. We've been friends forever. I've never had his name in my phone. I've just memorized his number. No, he texted Greg. I'm finally going to put his name in my phone. I've just memorized his number. No, he texted Greg. I'm finally going to put his name in my phone.

They're both in there as Greg G. It wasn't that he was just texting random numbers. He texted the wrong Missy in that movie. Did you not see the movie? He does know Greg Gutfeld as well. Yeah. Okay. So he knows both of these people already.

Yes. Still manages to text the wrong Greg. And then when that Greg shows up, he doesn't just say, no, it's not. I didn't mean you. Yeah. That's what happened in the wrong Missy. Look, hey, hey. They're already on the blade. Hey, I watched the wrong Missy.

I watched the whole thing. I saw the whole movie. Okay. Because I could have just fast forwarded to Laura Lapkus's parts, but I didn't. I watched the whole movie okay because I could have just fast forwarded to Laura Lapkus' parts but I didn't I watched the entire movie they also in COVID times like on a set

when you're like going through you can't just have like now Greg Grunberg we're gonna delay production for two weeks while Greg Grunberg is like in quarantine no we have to go with this Greg Gutfeld when do they discover the mistake?

When he walks on set. Greg has landed. So he's been in the bubble. He's been in the Felicity Reunion bubble for two weeks with everybody. No, by himself.

He's been quarantined in a separate... He's in his own hotel room. They didn't do a bubble. And then JJ's walkie lights up. Greg has landed. And he goes, oh, my old buddy Greg. JJ's loosening his mask as he approaches. Right.

Because he trusts him. Of course. Oh, and that's the other thing. They're both wearing masks. They're both wearing masks. So even as they're talking, he's talking he's going did you change your hair yeah greg's going nope same hair i always wear on fox also you're the rest of your physical appearance except for the small square of face that i can't see and the day david foster wallace passed away let's do our surprise okay it's the end of the list uh just like the movie the end of the tour david foster wallace so let's do our surprise and it is time for the surprise

paul so it's not just us here to wish you a happy birthday let us introduce it yes like let sean introduce it escape out out of share. Paul? You might think, oh, some surprise party. It's just Hayes, Kevin, and Sean? That would be enough for me. Well, and it would have been plenty, but in fact, we went the extra mile. We've gathered all of

your friends here to celebrate the miracle that is you. Okay, and this is going to be something a little more of a legion of thanks. Say thanks to our friend Paul for always being our friend. It's the Paul F. birthday celebration. Now, Kevin. Okay, here we go.

11 videos. Number go. 11 videos. Number one. 11 videos. Hey, Paul. It's Comedian Bill Engvall. I'm sorry this is a little bit late, but I just wanted to wish you a very happy 22nd birthday. Want to wish you the best of luck there at Pitt State getting your automotive tech design. I'm sure you're going to be great at it.

And I hope you had a great birthday and you got everything you wanted. This is from me and your parents. And we just want to say, here's your sign, Paul. Little Smoke, happy birthday. What was he at? Go Smoke? Low Smoke, I think, is maybe a catchphrase. It was nice to see Bill again. Can I tell

you my Bill Engvall story when I first met him? Just one? This is the only one I care to share. The only one from when I first met him? Just one? This is the only one I care to share. The only one from when he first met him. In public, yeah. I was at the Philadelphia Funny Bone and- That's Bo the PH? No, no.

Because it was a chain and they didn't make local adjustments, which I think is a missed opportunity. It probably would have stayed in business. I was there to see a friend who was opening for Bill Engvall at the Funnybun. This is pre-Blue Collar. So Bill was just a working comic. He was not, I mean, he had a following, but it was not. He was still a working comic.

This was before, before just a working comic. He was not yet the superstar that he was destined to be. But he was doing yet the superstar that he was he was destined to be but he was doing here's your sign that that's a bit that he has been doing it was exactly like that or was it a little different like where's my sign let me get your no no he had already located somewhere back here and he was offering it to you oh wow and he had physical signs printed up that had a lanyard you could wear it around your neck and said, I'm stupid. And he did let people know, I will be selling these after the show. People were delighted to discover there was an actual physical sign that went with the bit.

And I saw him. Before the end of his set, I went out to the bar to get a drink and I heard the show and big applause Bill Engvall comes out he drags a table over that has his merch on it he puts his foot up on a chair next to the table and raises a sign that says, I'm stupid in the air and does this. And then waits for the crush of people to come and buy their signs, which, which they did.

It did happen. Yeah. But there was a, I've never seen a bigger, here we go. Sigh in my life. the sign says i'm stupid the sign says i'm stupid that's what and you buy it i think you buy it and then you in your mind you're like bill in the bit you're handing the sign to someone else go here's your sign here's

your sign but or you're playing with it you going, I know I got your sign around here somewhere. And it's the lanyard that really gets me that I don't know who's willingly... Someone's got to wear it. Someone's got to be good natured enough to say, you know what? You're right. I deserve that. Some of what you described in your act, I'm guilty of that behavior.

I need the sign. Oh, you're saying immediately after seeing bill set they're watching it and they're going okay i'm recognizing myself in some of these i'll go collect my sign after the show yeah i suppose i do need the sign then legally i can't argue and also i'm here with you know my wife or my husband who's corroborating like during your act they're nudging me saying that's you so i can't not buy the sign and wear wear the sign yeah so cool and smart to do i mean like foxworthy had been doing stuff for a while at that point foxworthy jeffrey oh jeff yes and i'm sorry yeah no i know that gets confusing for you

because they well for people who don't spend a lot of time with paul he kind of judges material is this foxworthy yes is this good enough for Fox? My favorite channel. Yeah. It's sufficiently brash. Is this in your face enough for Fox? Is this a joke that I would hear in the animation domination block of programming? On the animated Napoleon Dynamite show. Did that happen? Oh, yeah. That's how Napoleon would say it okay

it's been a while since i've seen the movies i don't have a lot of the nuances of the character oh really he would go oh yeah oh yeah so for pedro you'd say that gosh now it's all coming it's all coming back to me now yeah but that like uh Bill Angball his like original version of the

bit is like he would describe something stupid and then he was like if you do this you might be I'm stupid His original version of the bit is like he would describe something stupid. And then he was like, if you do this, you might be I'm stupid. Right. And then I think it was really similar to the Fox. I think it was Jeffrey Foxworthy who said, you know what? If you refine this, if you tweak this a little bit, instead of saying you might be I'm stupid. refine this, if you tweak this a little bit,

instead of saying you might be, I'm stupid, if you say that you, I mean, I can't get you to admit you're stupid, but I can hand you a sign because I recognize that you are stupid. And I'm assuming because you're stupid,

you will be stupid enough to put the sign around your neck because you have been judged as stupid and have no choice but to accept it. And then you can open for me. And Bill, wasn't it nice of Bill to apologize for being a little late with your birthday? Not because,

you know, obviously he sent it early for today, but it, you know, it's like a little late wishing you your 22nd. Yeah. He's a, he's a few years late

yeah him from from him and from your parents as well uh yes my parents from beyond the grave so a little late on that one so it's late from then touch late yeah yeah and you never got that degree no i never did i never went to pit all none of that stuff came true it was a different time but we make our own way you know we make our own way yeah we make our own i like to think i did all right oh yeah i'll say you know i wish people could see the face i'm making oh yeah no that's a bit of an understatement all right he's to say I did all right. He's licking his teeth. I'd say he did just fine,

everybody. I'm licking my teeth like the old tooth polish commercial. There's a commercial just for licking your teeth to polish them? Yeah, it was. Yeah, isn't that weird? What's the strange?

The margins can't be great, I bet. No, but it did... I mean, you'll notice people don't do it that much. Yeah. Kevin, is there another guy or lady? Hey, Paul, this is Ernie Hudson, Winston's Edelmore from Ghostbusters. Emily tells me that you're starting a new job tomorrow.

I want to just give you a shout outout, say congratulations on the new job, wish you the best, the greatest success. Of course, you do realize that you're going to run into a lot of big Twinkies, especially as a lawyer. But don't worry about that. You've got the tools, you've got the talent. I know you're going to be hugely successful. So, with your family, Emily, and people who care about you,

people who want your greatest success, just keep having fun, enjoy the new job, and keep on busting. Isn't that nice to hear from Ernie? Do you want to tell a story about the first time you met him? Yes, the first time I met Ernie, I was eating a big Twinkie. Okay, so that's why he's... After the success of Ghostbusters, Yes, the first time I met Ernie, I was eating a Big Twinkie. Okay.

This was after the success of Ghostbusters. Twinkies, Hostess made a Twinkie that was one and a half times larger than their normal Twinkie. And it was called the Big Twinkie. And Slimer was on the box, of course. And I was eating one of those. I was in a 7-Eleven at the time. I could not wait. I had to eat it right away to see if it tasted any different.

It didn't taste any different. It tasted like a regular Twinkie, only there was more of it. Bigger, yeah. And I hear somebody say behind me, don't make me say it. Oh. And I turn around and there is Winston Z zettimore himself ernie hudson yep and i said make you say what and he said you know and i said i don't know sir what are you

i'm just trying to eat my big twinkie and he said hey you know what thank you for not making me say it and thank you for not making me say it. And thank you for being ignorant of what it is. Because I had never seen the movie Ghostbusters. I just saw, I was already wearing my sign. This is after I met Bill. Oh, good.

And we became phone friends after that. We didn't hang out, but we would call each other a lot and talk. Was friends spelled with a PH? Yes, because I was in Philadelphia. I appreciate just how naturally accustomed

he is to saying Ernie Hudson, Winston Zettelmore, Ghostbusters, with the pause in between to gauge people's recognition of the first two things. It's like he's slating himself for the camera. Yeah.

I wish he had given his height. I'd also like to open up. I give Ernie permission to use other references from the movie other than just a line that he said i think if if he wants he can say like i mean for example he could say like you're gonna be in a lawyer's office so there's a lot of slime going around there you know like that what about other characters lines would you i think i think that's okay too yeah You're going to be in a lawyer's office, so cats and dogs living together, you know, this stuff. You're going to be in a lawyer's office, so sorry about the bug eyes thing. You're going to be in a lawyer's office, so...

And then he crosses his eyes and pretends a ghost is giving him a blowjob. Who's next Kevin hello Paul and Andy on behalf of myself Brett Barr, Van, Tigger, Peter happy 50th anniversary wow

awesome September 19th is a big day and we wish you the best ever and look forward to 75 but let's enjoy 50 right now you have been

married since Bart was a quarterback and obviously 50 years of marriage is not without his trials and tribulations not true but it comes with perseverance, toughness, and grit. For some. And a lot

of love. And I'm sure, Paul, you took a lot of abuse as us men deserve and give. I don't know about that. My best to you both. Hopefully, it's a wonderful anniversary anniversary and we look forward to 75.

Take care and God bless. So jumping from 50 to 75. Yeah. I have a, I have a lot of issues with him and one of the things he's trying to work his way back. Yeah. I feel like first of all,

that we, we disagree on a lot of things. Obviously, his formula for marriage success is not my formula. I don't think it takes a lot of toughness and understanding

or whatever Gobble Eagle keeps talking about. marriage is without its trials and tribulations. It absolutely is without its trials. Why be married otherwise?

Yeah. If you're having trials and tribulations, get divorced. That's not what marriage is. Marriage is, this is great forever. That's what it's supposed to be. And, you know, if you want the secret to one long marriage, I would say never have any problems. If you want the secret to several short marriages

same thing same thing either way because as soon as you have problem one you go well this is no longer the marriage and now I'm going somewhere else that's right and also when he says I'm sure you've endured a lot of abuse he knows I have from him

as men deserve he said too so he's giving himself an out exactly it's chicken shit as men deserve he said too so he's giving himself an out exactly it's chicken shit what he's doing is so cowardly and it's like own up to your responsibilities like if this is your

if this is your whole thing tough guy image I throw the football around I wear a helmet because I can't get hurt I send a picture of my schwang piece to a reporter I send a picture of my schwang piece to a reporter. I send a picture of my schwang piece to a reporter. Yeah. Then I think that you have to be man enough, I'll say it,

to say I was the one who gave you the abuse and I did it. I did it. It's not that you deserve it. It's that I felt like giving it out. I don't like apologies that are like, I'm sorry I did exactly what you deserved yeah that never feels that good that's a non-apology apology i'm sorry i'm sorry i treated you the way you deserve to be treated that's not an apology that doesn't ever make me feel put your face closer to the phone

what this face was only almost taking up the whole screen his framing i first i mean most cameos the framing is it's terrible i don't know why everyone insists on holding the phone under their chin um you would think that especially a guy like uh uh ernie hudson winston zeddemorebusters, wouldn't know his angles. Bill Engvall, he's got a lot of TV experience. Oh, yes. And we know Brett Favre likes to take selfies. Right? Remember from before.

Maybe he's concentrating so hard on not pointing the camera at his genitals. He's like, I got to just get my whole face in here so there's no danger. What I got to do is actually hold it against my chin. If I brace it against my chin, there's a 0% chance. He does hands free.

He bleeds it like bobbing for Apple style. Honey, I gotta do a cameo. I need you to secure my wrist behind my back. It looks like a POV where it's like you're an Apple and Brett Farbs about to bob you. I'm about to bob you. We have eight more videos.

Oh, great. Okay. Dicey dice. Twice as nice. Nicey nice. Dicey dice. Happy 60th birthday. This comes to you from James.

All right. Now, James, explain to me that, you know, you wanted a cameo from actually a good friend of mine, Joe Rogan. But Rogan's not on cameo, okay? That is weird. So the point is this. Forget about Rogan. Forget about me. Forget about any comic.

Good luck. I turned 62 years ago, okay? The last thing I was thinking about Bruce, forget about any comic. Good luck. I turned 62 years ago, okay? The last thing I was thinking about, Bruce, honestly, it's what I still think about, it's what I've always thought about, it's what my birthdays are. The last thing I thought about was getting a cameo or a message from any fucking celebrity, any kind of comic, singer, actor. All I thought about the whole day through was sticking my...

I cut it off there. What? Kevin, what was he going to say? You have to tell me. It's my birthday. Kevin, you say it. Yes, you say it. That's why you cut it off, Kevin, because you wanted to

describe in a little more detail. I wanted to describe it. Hickory dickory deception. He was talking about putting his bingus in private spots. Like Gramercy Park? Yeah, he's got the private key.

What were his actual words, though, Kevin? I need to hear this. I think, like, put my... Play it, Kevin. Just if you can't remember his idea. No, I remember. Just play it. It costs money.

Play it. I edited it to stop there for fear of it going on. You know, Kevin, it's guys like you that got lenny bruce arrested there i said it finally somebody brought it up yeah the social mores the social mores and you can't handle you know these uh like what do you what do you consider dirty words but it's okay to send kids off to war so i could get my ass blown off 90 million miles away from where i was born and that's okay but i can't get my goddamn bingus wet on a cambio i can't get a a hot black chick to go down on my schvanz lenny bruce man i call him Bruce. Funniest shit I've ever heard.

Some of these cats, man. These cats are wild, man. These cats are hip, dude. They're hip cats and they change the game. They change the game. Here's what I like is that nowadays comedy,

people don't like it to be edgy and I like when people who are comedy fans have edgy comedy and they say, Lenny Bruce would never be, he would never make it today because Lenny Bruce would be, if he were around today, he would definitely be saying,

trans people are freaks. He would definitely be on the side of the status quo. That's what made him great. That was his primary director. Yes. Exactly. He was the voice. Yes.

Let's keep – people who are trying to change the way society views some things and be a little less conservative about stuff, let's tamp them down. That was Letty Bruce's whole thing. Yes. He was the voice of the voiceful. He would come out and say things like, I like the way things are, but he said dirty words. And that's what pissed people off.

It was not the ideas. It was the language. He and Mrs. Maisel were working together. They'd drop a... The government honestly would drop a bomb on the comedy cellar that's the only way they would just have to flatten the comedy cellar you'd have to yeah the whole table would be no more busting balls you know no more busting balls at the table at the Stella. I wish people could see the face I'm making. He's got his like, his mouth is somehow on his ear.

He's sucking lobe. Hollywood Handbook. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. And the question that I always get, people stop me and they say, like, hey, I trust you. I know when you endorse a product, it's something that you really use and care about. But there's one language that I'm trying trying to learn and that's body language so can babble teach me body language yes babble now has visual in-person lessons part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages

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What does that mean? Does their finger hurt? I wonder if they spotted a spider web or something. They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a lot of dates. and I need and have needed something like Babel to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger? Because it looks like an emergency.

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It's Renee Starves. Paul, happy birthday. August 13th, you're surrounded by great tennis players, Roger Federer, Pete Sampras, and I guess it's a Leo thing, right? Competitors. My old doubles partner is also a Leo. She had her birthday on the 10th,

so certainly is a good month to be a competitive tennis player and a good one i know that tennis has also helped you get down to your high school weight so way to go on that um your friends uh jack and chris wanted me to tell you not only um are you uh well they told me you're super competitive not a surprise being a leo but that you're also incredibly generous um so paul yay for both of those things um apparently someone also told you that you're also incredibly generous. So, Paul, yay for both of those things. Apparently, someone also told you that you're the best senior player in Bergen County, New Jersey. So on that front, way to go as well.

Clearly, tennis has been a great thing for you to stay fit, to stay young. And so for that, way to go. And have a great day happy birthday Mr. Leo all the way from Prague here I am in Prague where I'm coaching so hopefully we'll all have a good week

this week with our tennis that can't be anywhere but Prague most recognizable way to go when I see the brown grass of that tennis court i know i'm in prog um stubs where to begin um i'm not surrounded by great tennis players uh uh she she's way off she's way off and um it's a little insulting do you know what i mean like she's that's a whole that's a little insulting. Do you know what I mean? Like she's, that's a whole, that's a whole month off.

This is a friend of Kevin. So like Kevin in among his friends goes by Jack and Chris. Oh, it's Kevin's nickname is Jack and Chris and his friend group. Yeah. J-A-C-K-I-N apostrophe. Well, we do have to move on to the next video. Okay. But I do want to say one more time, way to go.

And congrats on getting down to your high school weight. Surprise! Yeah. You weren't expecting. Why is he sending me a message today? Well, we're a little bit late, Drew. But your mom, dad, Jess, and Matt reached out to me. I don't know if this one's for me.

And they told me that it is your birthday. 25 years of age. I don't know if you know this. That's a quarter century. And that is freaking huge. That's what she said. So he just took somebody's line. See, that's a lot. And it was fine

and it felt totally fine. I didn't question it. And then he's instantly out. Was there more of that video or is that where he cut it off? It's like four more minutes, yeah. Wow. It's crazy. You'd think he'd be so busy he wouldn't be able to leave a long cameo you can tell from his voice that was brian and palm gardener and if you were watching you

would know that because there is a printed out picture of the cast of the office uh behind him i could not tell that that's what that was, but that's a good move. It said the office. I didn't... I guess I was so drawn in by him. I didn't look at the background. Well, you see how he got cast as he draws your eye

and there's something magnetic about him. You also see he was working very hard on the show, The Office, because his natural voice sounds like, hello, Drew. Yeah, the Drew thing. Did you guys hear that? He said Drew.

He didn't say Paul. So I wonder, I mean, is it possible that these cameos sometimes go to the wrong people? He might have been just talking to somebody. His cameraman might have been named Drew or something. Okay. I, cause I, here's what,

here's what I imagine. I don't know that this is true, but that the cameos are delivered. They're put onto a thumb drive and then they're sent in the mail. Right. So you can have it forever. Generally. Yeah. Anytime you want,

you can plug a thumb drive in and look at that cameo and then, uh, take it out knowing that it's safe and sound. Um, it's not like a thumb drive. It's a big, old, big, heavy one. It's a server. It's a huge external hard drive. They send you a server with one cameo?

Yes. Yeah. Well, Brian Bobgard's cameo is really long, as we learned. Four minutes, apparently. Four minutes beyond what we already watched. Yeah, which was considerable. We watched a lot of it. We watched a lot of it.

We watched a ton. Now, it's interesting because you are diehard Office ladies. Obviously, Brian is... Never seen The Office. Love Office ladies. But Brian's competing with them. Brian is, again, crazy that he has time to do this but he is launching a podcast that is something of an office recap and will become a direct competitor

how do you balance that friendship because there's got to be some animosity between them and i always wonder how to navigate that when it's like oh this person doesn't like this other person but i'm friends with both and i'm stuck in the middle. His show, not to plug it, but since we said Office Ladies, his show is called Office Man. Not Office Gentleman. No, just Office Man. Okay.

All right. All right. That's disturbing, but I am going to listen to it. And I am going to compare the two. And I am going to be sharing my thoughts with all of the hosts. His is meant to be listened to at the same time as Office Ladies

to lay the tracks over each other. And he is correcting them on a lot of their stuff. Okay, I will do that. So it's like a commentary track on Office Ladies? Yeah, that their memories are wrong. A lot of the stuff was his idea. Even the memories that he was not present for, he will be correcting them on those.

But he knows what went down. I mean, you're in a space like that. Yeah. But yeah, he's going to be straightening him out. Next video. Let's do it. Yo, Paulie! Paulie!

Listen to me. I know you are kicking fucking ass with your brand new company. Congratulations. That's no easy task. Your wife is so proud of you. Your son Carson is so proud of you. Keep up the good work. Lucy is okay.

Okay? Lucy is okay. Lucy is Okay Now It's Valentine's Day Paul Okay We still haven't found her You need to take your wife out Okay Simple

She's a simple lady You know that she's simple All she wants Is to take your wife out Go to a bar Listen to some good bands Okay It's Valentine's Day

You gotta figure it out Gotta figure it out. Although you're working, you're working hard and kicking ass, you gotta figure it out for Valentine's Day. So I'm wishing you guys, Paul and Judy, a beautiful, loving Valentine's Day.

Okay? Sounds like you have a great family. Keep doing your thing. Keep taking care of each other. And you know the drill, Paul. You're gonna go far. You're already going far. You Keep doing your thing. Keep taking care of each other. You know the drill, Paul. You're going to go far. You're already going far. You're on your way. Thank you. This ain't about work. This is about love.

Happy Valentine's Day, you guys. Paul, take care of your wife on Valentine's Day. Get her some chocolates. Figure it out. You're a smart guy. You've made it this far. You're a smart guy. Rappaport. Yeah. What does that mean to hear?

Oh, zebra head himself. To hear from him. The first thing, of course, is that I'm so glad to hear that Lucy is okay because we haven't gotten proof of life of her in quite a long time. And I've been relying on cameos to find out uh that she's still safe still alive um i guess she's still in hiding but uh hopefully we will be reunited at some point um can you talk a little bit about your new company i know you're kicking ass yeah here's the thing what's so what's kind of insulting about that cameo is my new company

is valentine's day related and you can't have time to go to a bar and like here's some good bands my busiest night of the year it's my busiest night of the year i am what i do is i match up couples with good bands to listen to i am connected to, there's a network of bars all over the country. This is nationwide, not just LA.

I'm matching, I'm taking a couple profiles and I am matching them to bands that are like live bands that are playing only in bars. Like these are not going to be big concerts. These are going to be small bars

with multiple bands playing in one night. And so the way it works is couples get matched up with the band. And if enough couples are matched up to one band, they get the bar themselves for the duration of that band set. After that band is done, everybody out. And then we bring in the next band and the next round of couples so that you're never ever going to be with with other couples who don't like the band that you've been matched up with it's always for watching a band at a bar

exactly exactly exactly it's it's banned it's it's it's banned watching uber pool and it works and it works and so well it works as long as you're able to actually be at the controls, making sure. You can't be out watching the band with your wife, seeing some good bands with it. It's like, make, pick another day, make that Valentine's day. We don't get to have the same Valentine's day. Everyone else does with my new business. This is what I've said to Judy. And what I don't understand is why he is sending a Valentine's Day greeting just to me.

Why? He occasionally mentions my wife, Judy, but it's only addressed to me. Like, I'm supposed to pass on Michael Rapaport says happy Valentine's Day. Also, he treats me like a fucking asshole. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. But I don't think it came from Judy.

I think it came from Lucy. I think it was Lucy arranged this to let me know that she's okay. And Carson. Ugh. Carson. Yeah. I know you didn't want to hear about Carson. I didn't want to hear about.

Can I have one day? God. Okay, Kevin, let's do one more. This better be the best one. This has to be the good one. How many are left? Because I want to see all of them. Let's just roll through the last three.

We met years ago in Malibu. It's good to be talking to you again. And this is for you, especially from the West Valley Rebel family. And this is for you, especially from the West Valley Rebel family. Now, you have another trip around the sun coming. That's a birthday. If you've been around the sun six times, that means you're six years old. So this is another trip with another year added to your tree of life.

Seven. And the next year is another year around the sun. Eight. On September 10th, a very important day in your life. Two years before my birthday. And I have something I want to give you from my heart and my joy and my love, because it's especially for you. is gary bucey happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Did he say Monica? That's the camera woman. Dear Monica. He definitely said Monica. He said it, yeah. He definitely did Monica. He said it, yeah. He said, Monica, you're drifting.

Get me in center. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Monica. Yeah. Dear Monica. Uh-huh. Tells a trip around the sun. I know what that means.

It means you're eight years old. You're going to Lado, you're my friend. Happy birthday, Monica, to you. I really think he's wishing happy birthday to Monica. No, it's Monica working the camera. I mean, he mentioned Monica a lot. But I mean, what a thrill to see my favorite actor, Peter O'Toole, wishing me, I didn't know he could play the guitar.

That was exciting. Of course, I love Valley Rebel family. They are my heart. Moncou. They mean everything to me. When I get on my bike and I'm out there... Take your time. No helmet, of course.

It's the... It's's the it's the freest that i've that i feel all year when i take that when i take that trip around the sun wow thank you for sharing that i had more okay i i'm all set but you can keep going like thank you for sharing that part of it and then if you want to share more i won't be thanking you again it's you can continue to share it's not so much the thanks it's more that i feel like it's not there's no impact now because i've i was just starting to talk about something emotional. The framily. And now I feel like I should have stopped.

No, it's, you know what? Go ahead. I'm probably going to take off, but you do it. Do your thing. I'm good. I'm good. Kevin looked like he was still. That's the gist of it.

Just the freedom of being on my bike without a helmet we got another video this is from riffraff you know what time it is happy birthday to you brett and the hogi what's that a sandwich nice uh now that you're engaged to the one of the most beautiful women on the planet and you were named Employee of the Year. Yeah, of the year. We are a little worried about the fact that you're having trouble fitting in your big ass head through those most doors. The fuck? That was, okay, okay.

Look, what is this, an intervention? Things are finally going great for me and i need this guy telling me that uh uh i need to i'm i'm a dumb some kind of jerk okay paul but hold on if you create a company that is really just a valentine's day company and then you name yourself employee of the year for a company that only exists for one day. Yeah, because if I say... Hold on a second. Sean? If the company revolves around one day that happens in one month and I'm employee of the month,

that seems like shit. So why not employee of the year? Because I work all year to make this happen. That's one entire trip around the sun. Yes, eight years. I work to make this happen all year round. And he actually wasn't criticizing you. He was actually just genuinely concerned that you wouldn't be able to fit your big-ass head through those most doors.

Those most doors. Okay, I don't know where he gets... So he thinks physically my head is too big to fit through those most doors? He's worried about it. Yeah. My head is proportional big to fit through those most doors? He's worried about it. Yeah. My head is proportional to my body. I could go through any doors, much less those

most doors. I can't do a door to get in here. I can't do a door to get in here. What do you think? I'm Walter Hudson. We haven't seen you go in or out. I'm going to turn the camera. Look, there's the door right there. Okay.

Okay. And I can't- It's closed. How did I get in here? What is this? Hercule Poirot mystery? I don't know that- Yeah.

Who was that? Riff Raff? Yes. That was Riff Raff. Yeah. A guy who calls himself Riff Raff is going to criticize me? It's not a criticism. He's honestly genuinely concerned for your well-being.

Sean, I know you want me to believe that, but I can never- I'll never believe it. I'll never believe it. it's not a criticism he's honestly genuinely concerned for your well-being i know sean i know you want me to believe that but i can never i'll never believe it i'll never believe it that was a harsh rude insult it was an insult i'm sorry brett i didn't mean for that my name is paul that's another that's he knows who i am brett we might have sent him the. We might have sent him the Brett Favre video by accident. A lot of them got kind of confused. So he's saying his message was from Brett Favre?

Who has a pretty big head. I mean, you can see it took up the whole frame. It did take up the whole screen. It probably doesn't fit through those most doors. Well, okay. Mistakes happen. I'm not going to dwell on it let's see the okay kevin happy 53rd birthday avner from your family and especially from blue because he loves you more than anything and i heard you're like a social assassin and you're proud of it go fuck yourself avner don't try to be like larry yes's a big, big mistake.

What? So for your birthday, watch CNN all day. Play your guitar all day. Tell everybody in my world this and in my world that and be the bad Jew that you are and tell them all to go fuck themselves and stop and leave you alone. You can play guitar and watch CNN

all fucking day as long as it's not Fox News. So for your birthday, Avner. I don't know how to play the guitar. I think it's important to kick everybody out of the house, including Blue, because nothing makes me happier than when I say, get the fuck out of my house, Larry. So just say, get the fuck out of my house, whoever it is. Or get the fuck out of my house, Blue, because where are they going? They need you. They can't live without you.

Just scream and yell. Get it off your chest. Wear your fucking mask and wash your fucking hands. have a great great 53rd birthday because you're like you know halfway your life is halfway over you better enjoy yourself did you like that oh she's still mad that was suzy ass man oh yeah i know who was mad she okay like i wish i had never told her about negging because she has i've created a frankenstein um she knows my name's not after she knows i can't play the guitar uh she does you like to watch cnn i don't like to watch cnn yeah you love it i watched i love i love it i don't like it.

I love it. It's your birthday, Paul. You can watch CNN the entire day. Oh, that sounds like heaven. Even if I could play the guitar. Why would I do that if I could watch CNN all day long? Just flopping on the couch. Watch 16 hours of CNN.

She is. I will say she is right. My family does need me. And Blue needs me very much. He cannot find those clues without me. He gets a lot of credit

for the clues. Finding the clues? Yes. People think they're his clues because Blue's clues rhyme. I do think they're his, yeah. But they're Paul's clues and I give them to blue and then he gives them to other people. Okay.

Sorry, but that's you know, sorry to tell you the truth. If that's true, then I'm sorry. If that's, yeah. If you don't believe me, then I'm sorry that you don't believe me. But that's the truth.

And I'm sorry for treating you exactly how you deserve to be treated well i'm a man yep and you take a lot of abuse uh and we only have one more but i think it'd be helpful to say if they don't say who they are i think it'd be helpful for the listener for maybe for you to introduce it they don't have any kind of visual aid. To be fair, like the people, most of the people that have not said who they are, they need no introduction. Thank you, Paul.

Riff Raff? No, no name. No name on the screen. He didn't say who he was. Everyone knows Riff Raff. Kevin, don't humor me. Don't humor me don't humor me it's my eighth trip around the sun this next person introduces themselves i believe up top this is jeremy davies and this is also daniel faraday from lost and um by the way this is also Dickie Bennett from Justified. And we are gathered in your honor to collectively wish you, good sir, an almost illegally lovely and recklessly celebratory birthday, my um is he being so weird and the force of

nature the extra ordinarily thoughtful and compassionate force of nature that brought us collectively together to honor you to pay homage to you why are you talking like this is your uh wildly thoughtful friend blair blair best friend blair yeah let me clarify very carefully uh and here's the thing i got a quick disclaimer in honor of Blair. So in honor of you by association, I did my best to figure out because the message didn't clarify. And I know, by the way, Blair, they don't give you a lot of room. I apologize. So there's not a lot of room for a lot of different essential information. room for a lot of different uh essential information but um i i i really wanted to of course be sure to honor blair by referring to blair as he or she appropriately but um as i understand it there are a lot of men and women named Blair. Lord Google says so and I even asked

the folks at Cameo to try to help us out. Why is he being like this? In honor of Blair to be sure I referred to him or her correctly. But here's the thing. Peter, my intuitive guess, my humble, misfit white trash

opinion, if you will. That's racist. And I say that as a term of endearment white trash my raw opinion and if I'm wrong I hope you see it as a gorgeous compliment but my raw opinion is that Blair is female

and I'll tell you exactly why you're still on this? the heart of her message. What happened to me? Requesting that against her better judgment that I – that she – I don't like this character, Jeremy. I don't like this character. I don't like this character.

I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character.

I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character.

I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character.

I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character.

I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. I don't like this character. The heart of it was that she's clearly someone who is very skilled at recognizing and appreciating. Is this about me or not? In other people, a capacity, an extra other capacity for compassion and kindness. Because that was the heart of her message. She said, you're not only best friends, you're the most, Peter. With the heart of her message was, I am you're not only best friends, you're the most. With the heart of her message was

I am Blair. I'm a kind person. That's got to touch you. Glad I got squeezed in there. I don't know. Kevin, you just cut it off after just that? That's only six minutes? That's all we get? Is the first six minutes? Kevin, the last

at the tail end of watching 10 other videos you gave us a little shorty like that one what are you thinking man you're a producer you're supposed to sort of plot out how does it end we got it what if the fireworks finale was one firework come on man he says peter's a really great guy from blair okay well you know look i also am wishing you an almost illegally blissful and celebratory look here's so weird it's like jeremy and i grew up in philly he was like the most down-to-earth guy you could ever imagine. And now he's like, I see him on talk shows and shit

like that, and he does this sort of character. And I'm like, okay, whatever, man. Whatever gets you there. You know what I mean? And then when he's doing this for me, I'm like, come on, dude. Drop the act. Talk to me. Yeah, let's just be us. don't be jeremy davies with

me be jeremy boring you of course knew him when he was jeremy boring which is his birthday yes and i the thing with blair is uh blair is not only non-binary so she's not a man or a woman, and he didn't explore that option at all. When he's giving his fucking Gettysburg address about the name Blair, he never got into the fact that the person who's sending it might not identify in such a binary

manner. That aside, he spent so much time talking about Blair. I didn't feel that way I'm not come on Sean don't do this to me it's my birthday I didn't love the cameo you know what I mean it's your birthday so I'm not allowed to have an opinion anymore

I did not feel that way when I watched it I actually thought he could have spent a little more time on Blair. Oh my God. When I was watching it, it was like, to me, it was like, and then a bunch of other people.

To me, it was like, I don't think we saw the same video. To me, it was just saying, Yes, he could have said more about Blair. In the course of wishing me, I don't even know if he said the words happy birthday, but he's talking about what a kind person Blair must be to want to get a cameo from him to say happy birthday to me.

That's a given, okay? That's just his white trash opinion, Paul. That's just his white trash opinion. Yeah okay that's just his white trash that's just his white trash he says just his white trash he knows not he knows not to say that by the way he knows we've had that we've had that discussion so many times so many times and i'm like you know it's one thing if you say it like it's just us and like i know where you're coming from but then he says it so much where it's like maybe i don't know where you're coming from. But then he says it so much where it's like, maybe I don't know where you're coming from because I've explained to you why that term is bad.

And you, are you like, I guess you just tell me what I want to hear. And then you go and say it whenever. And I feel like, is this like you twisting the knife? Like you're doing your character and you're saying white trash. You're talking about Blair, Blair, Blair, Blair, Blair. And then you call me Peter,

which is like, that was a joke from a million years ago where when he met me because uh you know paul is like a biblical name and he's like what is it is it peter you go through like where's mary the exact yeah yes exactly and I guess because you are then both Peter and Paul in this case yeah how's your stepdad Joseph and I'm like that one doesn't work hey Peter are you going to deny that you know me three times

before the rooster crows or something yeah and you're like but I'm Paul exactly still on his side yeah I guess no I was never on his side i just thought could he use a little more blair yeah that was it it wasn't like the cameo is good like this i'd be curious to know just about the fundamental nature of this this Blair relationship but there's a friend from college

that's it I mean there's no a special there's no there's no Ted talk there it's just Blair's friend from college the end Jeremy I feel like Jeremy has a crush on Blair because I feel like paying for this you got to think of, too.

Like, who's really, you know? It turns out me having to listen to it. Okay. And you got him good. And you got him good. Oh, and you got him good. And we can put it to bed. He's paying for it.

Okay. I feel like we're even now. I feel even Stevens. That is really. And now everyone has shared their white treasure pit. Yeah. Yes. I feel obscenely even now. I feel, uh, illegally even I feel, uh, hideously even Paul.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. And from us to you. And blah. Yeah. Blah. God, you squeezed in a couple more birthday scares before the end. We did. Well, guys, there's absolutely nothing I would rather be doing on my birthday than this.

Well, too bad it's over. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. too bad it's over. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.