Hollywood Handbook - Paul F. Tompkins, Our New Show Friend

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

The Boys welcome back PAUL F. TOMPKINS to try out a new show.See PFT perform live at paulftompkins.com/live!Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. So if we wanna just bang that one out up top. We wanna load up the spankings. And say, did you have a nice birthday? Got enough spankings? Like. My birthdays have been good, I suppose. I'm good for spankings. Because it was a couple ago that we last did, right Kevin?

Good to hear, not always the case. True. Right? Yeah, I case. True. Right? Yeah, I guess. Am I confusing you with someone? I feel like in the past you've gotten not enough spankies on your birthday. I think you are confusing me with someone else.

OK. I just want to say, just to explain, like Kevin's briefing document sucked today. Wait, so you're always kind of... He updates it even for people that have been on the show before. Well, yeah, I mean, like, especially, you haven't been here in a while,

like we wanted to catch up on when's the last birthday that you had, how many spankings did you get, and it's all like- And he was like, kinda like push on this, like he was like, Paul's gonna really wanna go into it. So let's leave most of A block available for that. For the birthday talk? Yeah, and it feels like what I'm getting back from you is,

this is no criticism of you, this is on Kevin. Yeah. We're kind of done with it already. I think so. I will say this about the spankings. I capped it at, when I turned 50, I capped it at 50. So it's 50 every year. Okay.

Oh, nice. Since 50, yeah. Oh, congratulations, happy 50th, it's a big one. Well, that was a while ago now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you do like, each spanking is like across both cheeks? Do I do this?

With the line in the middle? It's not up to me. It's not up to me. Well, and that's how it should work. I don't like all this. Some of these birthday jitters. Look, I know we got these, you gotta bring in an intimacy coordinator for the birthday spankings at this point, right?

Let's all relax. I mean, you know. Let's all relax. Look, here's what happens. It's supposed to be fun. It's a party. It's a party. You slap your friends on the ass.

You slap your family members on the ass. It's their party. It's a party. You slap your friends on the ass. You slap your family members on the ass. It's their birthday. Big deal. You know what I mean? If you don't do, people don't understand anymore. I'm glad they're banning TikTok. Society's so sterilized. Me too.

Yeah. Me too. Because I'm sick of it. Yeah. I'm sick of it. Yeah. I'm sick of it. Me too.

I'm getting sick from it as well. You mean, that sounds like a physical illness. I was being, oh no, what happened? Well, I happened on to, and there's all these different, you know, there's book talk and there's like film talk and there's like. No, it's TikTok. Yes, but within TikTok, the algorithm,

you know, the way this thing works is it starts to feed you things related to your interests. I've always been interested in alternative diets, specifically alternatives to food. Where it's like, much like with spankings, it's like, oh, so you just get to tell me this is what food is and then we just, we completely, la la la, nothing else ever again.

So I've gotten into some videos that are kind of describing to me different things So I've gotten into some videos that are kind of describing to me different things I can eat that they say are food. And you have to be very careful who you trust. Well, that's, let me tell you something. That's across the board. Well, yeah. Yeah. Is what I'm finding out.

Yeah, I bet you are. Yeah. I bet you are. Yeah. I bet you are. No, you gotta be very careful. You can eat a wallet. Well, and that, thank you, I trust you. Yeah. Because that's something I have tried. I know from-

It's gotta be one gulp though. Oh, I just, I think- Chewing on it's bad for you. I think the opposite. Chew on it's bad for you. I think you do little pieces of it over the course of two weeks. Okay, okay. It's not sustainable. It's not sustainable.

You eat the wallet, you start to be like, okay, this is pretty good. Now this is your favorite food, basically. You go back to the store to get to the wallet, to get a new wallet. You reach in your back pocket. Can't pay for it. This is why, okay, God closes the door, but he opens the window, money clip. Mm-hmm.

Okay. That can hold not only money, as the name suggests, but also credit cards. Right. You can even hold a picture with it. Unfortunately for me, that's more like a money chip, because I'm eating that. And that's the thing.

You're eating the money clip? I'm eating that. When you start eating non-food items, all of your formerly non-food items have to be made out of food, because otherwise you're going to be eating it now. And so it's made out of chips, and now it's breaking apart. So then you have a wallet.

It doesn't hold it at all. You have a wallet, it's animal style, and it's just lettuce, and you wrap your money and cards in that. And then you know, I don't need this because it's food. Money's lettuce. Money's lettuce and the gender cheese. It's wilted to grades.

Boy, that's true. What other food? Clams, I guess? Yeah, good one. Are there other foods that are- Great one. Money? Pears. Do people say that?

Oh yeah. Pears? 150, that'll run you 150 pairs. 150 juicy pairs please. Oh and you can add the adjectives. That's fun. That's gonna be a lot of ham, they'll say. I like this.

I like this. Well I like having you here for it. Just seeing you enjoy stuff, that makes my day. That's why we were so sad to miss your birthday. And that's making me feel a little better about the briefing document because this was in there too. I was like, this is not gonna. I thought no way is this gonna say anything.

New foods? What else was in the doc? He wanted to do something. When we talked about TikTok. You know what? I was gonna put my hat pack hat on and then wait till the end so I feel like I've earned it. Kevin had this whole thing.

When Sean said that he got sick from TikTok, and it was like, how could TikTok make you sick? Oh, Lyme disease. No, specifically Lyme disease. Cause it's TikTok. No. Cause it's tics. Yeah, tics.

Wait, that, oh. I have had it, I have had it, which technically means I do have it. I don't think it ever goes away. Lyme disease, there's a why in there. So is it lime or limes? This kind of feeds into my question. Go ahead. I'll tell you how.

Go ahead. Because there's a why that makes me believe it's somebody's name or it's connected to Lyman, which is lemon lime. Yeah, Lymanade, yeah, sure. It's a town and that's where everybody gets it. There's an old one. Who's still going there? There's an old one. Why would you ever go there? Oh, that's why the old one is old lime because they're like,

we got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah, they moved over. It is sick here. So they should call it old lime's disease. Right. Yeah, but it's I think it's partially I think the town maybe named after a name back in 63 why's that little tic tic me were we saying slightly rearranged words well you guys were singing I was just kind of going back over the course of my life. Wow! Oh, what a bite. Oh, what a bite. Right?

Oh, what a bite! Bullseye rash, oh, what a bite. Yeah. Is that what you get if a tick bites you? I've never been bitten by a tick. That's the telltale sign that it's been, that it was a deer tick is that you develop a rash in the shape of a bullseye. Don't always get it. Right. So if you didn't see it, don of a bull's eye. Don't always get it.

So if you didn't see it, don't go, well, I can't possibly have it. You could. Can I just, like, so. Oh, sorry, you were in your life. Oh, you wanted to be about your thing. We've been talking about this, come here. Go ahead.

Just a hand. Sean and I have been talking about how there's the inauguration coming up. Yes. Of the president. Yes. Yeah. And this is a time like a lot of people are scared.

Of the president, whether you like it or not. That's true, he's the president of everybody. And we've kind of been taking stock as well and thinking about how it just kind of been taking stock as well and thinking about how, it just kind of fucking sucks how we had this whole election and everyone was like, oh, podcasts are like the dominant cultural force in America right now.

Everyone's talking about podcasts. And if you told us that, remember like a few years ago, when we were saying this was gonna happen. Yes. You remember that? We were actually bringing this up and if you told us that then. We'd be like, oh, we are gonna be involved in this somehow.

Like we're gonna have a piece of it. We thought we'd be part of it. We thought we'd be part of it. By virtue of having a podcast. We thought we'd have a little tiny slice. Right, and so being aware of. And being one of the podcasts. This, like making this prediction

and also being part of podcasts. They're like, well, they got, we have to be part of it. We must be touching it at least. We must be butting up against it. We didn't, we didn't. And it has been so hard to think about it. It's time to face that. It's time to face that.

But like we did it. It's time to face that. We have nothing to do with it. Yeah. And that's gotta change. You're saying you should have more influence. That's gonna change. With the podcast over.

We gotta change that. We have to, so we have more influence with the podcast over. We gotta change that. So we have to start doing the stuff that other people are doing that has gotten like, that people are talking about it, that people think is part of the main thing going on now. And it's not that we- Not all of it, but some of it and most of it. So you're saying, I'm gonna extrapolate, okay,

from what you're saying. You feel that Hot Ones decided this election. So that's what I was thinking for a little bit. And then we did try to do that. We did a version of that and it was clear. And we did salty ones with Hailey Joel Osment. It wasn't really about the food or anything or the questions we asked which were excellent.

And even the TikToks of it did basically no business at all. Nothing, nothing. And so that's why I'm like, okay, well, let's just fucking get rid of this thing and start over. Yeah, we just said like, ban that because that's not, something's wrong there. It's either serving us or it's not. It's sick.

And if you put out videos on TikTok and people don't like them, then the app isn't serving you. And it's clearly not serving the people if they didn't like the videos. Right. Ban it. This is doing nothing for me.

Let me get this straight. The video didn't help me or them? It's actually showing me. So then why is TikTok there? It's actually showing me other videos. Yeah, no. It has started doing that. It's actually started showing me other videos.

Yes. And other people too. To people who like podcasts. To people who like podcasts. Other people too. It's showing them that. So then, okay, so then what is the new approach, if I may, because I assumed you were going to tell me,

but I don't like to assume. Say the R word. Do we start doing that? We have to start doing that, and that's just to start. Just, we gotta start saying some words that- Because they're all coming back, right? Apparently every single one is coming back. Every single one that we-

There's not a single word that's not coming back. Took decades and decades to get people- The more gone it is, the more back it's coming back. It took decades and decades to get people. The more gone it is, the more back it's coming. Yeah, wow. And we have to start, and it's not today, it's soon. We're not ready to do that yet today. We're gonna have to start getting comfortable with these words.

I think it's good to let people know that it's coming up. I think they're gonna, I mean, look, it's gonna be normal when we do it, but it'll also be normal because we do it, and we're going to be a part of this movement. That's a great attitude. And the movement is a lot of stuff that seems like not okay.

It's okay now, and we have to do that. And some people are gonna be mad for sure, and I didn't, I never wanted that. But that's not okay now. And that's the main reason I'm doing that. Being mad about it is not okay now. Exactly. But having people be mad at you about it is good.

That's great. Yes. You're not allowed to be mad, but you want people to be mad. And let me say something that, Sean, you use the word movement. And I don't know if you realized how poetic you were being No, because where else do we have movements in a symphony? Oh, I'm the oh, yes and the bathroom as well. What is yes Yes, I

Just thinking that's not that poetic. You know, I mean? It's just a bodily function. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. I don't think I can now. I don't think I can. Did that take the wind out of your sails a little bit? Really did. Just picturing being on the toilet instead of.

I wasn't even picturing that. Like an orchestra. It's kind of funny a guy sitting on the toilet and he's conducting an orchestra. Well, yeah, I mean, some of these symphonies are kind of long. Yeah. Tell me this guy never got to go to the bathroom. Yeah, here comes the fifth movement or something.

That's cool. We've all been there. He's got a little mic. He does a little crowd work in between some of the classical stuff. I wouldn't mind it if conductors were funnier. And I don't mean conductor jokes like they do, where it's like you're supposed to laugh,

oh, that's so smart, I'm so smart for getting it. Ha ha, titter titter. No, I want it to be a joke for everybody. Even people who don't like symphonies. I'm talking about funny funny, not like amusing. You know what I mean? I'm talking about hard. Bring back hard funny.

I want conductors doing hard jokes at symphonies. I wouldn't mind them just telling some street jokes. I'd love, oh my God, I would love that. Just some old jokes. I would love that. You know what I would love? I would love for a conductor, and of course the whole time he's still, he's not doing both at the same time,

but if he can, that's great. Obviously the music is still happening, he's conducting it the right way, he's not fucking around with that, but he does take the time in between movements. Yeah. To do a little, like if he did like a super, like an early show is clean and a late show is dirty. I like that, yeah.

What I'm struggling with is, I couldn't even just listening to it, figure out, I'm not gonna do it today, but like where I would even say the R word in that. In that discussion right now. In that kind of monologue? You know what I mean? Like that little back and forth, I'm just like,

how do I even get in there and say the R word? There's so many, so many places. Well, you could be pitching. Are there really? Oh my God, yes. You could be pitching on what the conductor's saying. Because you freaking. Well, the conductor's actually, I think in the symphony,

they actually use the R word and it's okay. Oh, they do all the time. They write it down. Do it with music? They write it down. There's no plausible deniability. It's written on the music. God, I really, I'm worried I suck at this.

Here's the thing though, Pave. It's gonna take some getting used to because we've been trying, pretty actively trying, in your case, I think, like to not say this stuff for quite some time. He just put the word like in there, didn't need to. That's what you can do with the R word. You can use that as an adjective.

You can use it before you say something else as like a little pause. You know what I mean? There's, you have to, if you're gonna embrace it, you really have to embrace it. We all should start saying pause. Why's that? Well, just anytime you say something,

I just think like part of this is gonna bring back, we're gonna be bringing back the real heyday of gay panic. Yeah. And that involves saying something, sometimes intentionally, that could be interpreted as erotic between you and your friend, and then being like, I didn't even realize what I was saying

or how that, and it's a variation on the like, that came out wrong, but it's just going, pause. You could call me on it, pause, did you even hear yourself? Or I could also do it on myself, like, pause. Didn't mean to say it like that. Is that what, that's what she said, but it's like, that's what a gay man said. Right. Which, and then it's sorta going like,

and that's not my thing, you know? Even saying gay there felt like, I don't know, this is gonna be so hard. It just is like, it's hard at first, of course. It's not gonna stay on just that. It's gotta actually become much worse. I know, that's what's freaking me out. I don't wanna be ahead of it, but I can't be behind it.

I've done that already. It just feels like my options are, some people are mad at me, and because of that, people are like, this is great, and people are actually liking me, and they're really fired up about stuff. And the Patreon, fuck it. That's kinda what we're looking at,

is ours is going down. You know what I mean? We're looking at a lot of other ones going up. Yes, or nothing. The other option is nothing. The other option is always nothing. Just like a little leak somewhere that I can't find, but I can hear it. But I think that we're all going to get swept along in the wave.

And I also think that in the wake of these changes, of embracing these words, some of us are going to have to start pretending to be angry so that they keep having power. And even though everybody says it now and it's fine, some people have to pretend to be upset about it. I can do that. We could pick that side of it.

If you're not saying it, then you either have to say it. Is it helpful? What's that? If the two people are on the same show, the same show is both angry about it and doing it. Whoever's not saying it is angry about it, and whoever's saying it, the other person's angry about it. So it's like a seesaw, it balances out.

Yeah, somebody's gotta stay mad, somebody's gotta stay mad. And that could be a corner. I think I can contribute, one way I can maybe be useful is like not being that successful. So then like, I can easily craft a story around that of having lost out on opportunities because of DEI. Yeah.

It's hard when you're like really like, like when you're really, really doing good. When you're kicking ass. It's really hard to be like it's DEI or whatever. I think people like, I can maybe be an object of someone who DEI was a problem for. Yes. DEI was a problem for.

The best version of that, I think, in order to give everybody something to chew on, is to also clearly kind of suck at your craft. I know. You know what I mean? Because then you get, because then from this side, to also clearly kind of suck at your craft. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because then you get, because then from this side, you've got people going like, that's not why you lost your opportunities, homie.

Yes. And then from this side, you've got people being like, happen to me too. I think I could really fit right in that sweet spot. Yeah. You know what I mean? I feel like depending on what you do for a living. Well, I wanted to ask you about that as well.

Hold on a second. I think that people need to be assigned things that they complain about and that they are victims of. So if you are, if you are a complainer, that means it didn't affect you directly. Yeah. Right. You say, I don't like that this is happening. Right.

Hey, this isn't fair to some of those guys. If you're a victim, then you get to say this hap, this is happening to me. Unfortunately. And now I feel like I miss my window. You know how sometimes people don't get into college and they're like, and they're like, okay, now this is a problem for everyone? I should have gotten into college. I know three people that it's happened to. Yes.

Mm-hmm. I feel like I should have gone out there and been like, I didn't get to be one of the two dope queens. That's interesting, which you can go and check. He wasn't. No. They captain it too. And you notice both and check. He wasn't. No. They capped it too. And you notice both of the two dope queens are black women.

Yeah. At some point it's not a coincidence. I notice that now that you say it. At some point it's not a coincidence. Wait a minute. And I've been out here. So 100% of the two dope queens. Okay.

No comment, just gonna leave that right there. You just take away from it what you will. In fact, I do have a comment. Seems a little unfair. And if you look at the resumes, I think it was their both first podcasts that they'd started and I'd actually been doing a different podcast at that point for multiple years.

So from all the Dope Queens, I'm sure they did a very thorough audition process of every dope queen out there. My inbox was not exactly blowing up with that opportunity, but fine, fine. They must have seen a lot. And the two they chose had never done a podcast before? Can I add something to this? In A Both Black Woman? Guess who did the search for the two dope queens?

Okay. The two dope queens themselves. Oh my gosh, this is interesting. And isn't it Jeopardy Guys? This is the Jeopardy Guys. This is the Jeopardy Guys. The Jack in the Box guys. The Jeopardy Guys.

Yes. Who my position is now that he should have gotten that job. He should have. He should have that job. He should have gotten that job. He would have been great. He should have gotten that job. He would have been great. He had the most experience of anyone about deciding who was supposed to be in that job.

He stood there for every show. Yet they had it be someone else who had never even looked for who was supposed to host Jeopardy before. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. No, that made me sick. Just the guy, a bunch of people who'd been on Jeopardy.

Or who liked it. It's really the same. It's interesting how it's the same thing, but we have different feelings about it. That makes this a pretty complicated podcast. Something that could really spark a lot of discussion on the internet, et cetera. You guys are falling into this very naturally.

We're finding it as we go. I just feel like it. And it's not like... It feels hard right now. I think we'll start to see it more. Because that's why when you say something like that, like, isn't this interesting and everything, I'm... It's like the scales fall from my eyes.

I'm like, oh, my God, it's been happening this whole time and I didn't realize. Wow, that's awesome. I'm so glad. I wish that were happening for me. And it's not like I'm like, oh, this is like so bad to do or whatever. I just like don't really get like exactly how it works. I just like don't totally understand it.

And I don't know like what's happening instead of the, what's supposed to be happening for me instead of this. I know I'm supposed to have some opportunities that I'm not having. That's the idea, right? But what are they? That's what I wanted to dig in about, and I'm sorry I interrupted you people.

But you were saying, depending on what you do for a living. And I think us nailing that down. Yes, that would be huge to start with. That could give me maybe a clearer shot at who to be bad at. So let's, for the sake of our argument, for the sake of arbitrage, let's say that you guys are podcasters for a living, right? That's your job.

Yeah. That'd be nice. So that means you will have a set of things that you complain about, you're upset about, right? But you're not victims. You are, because you are the truth tellers. You're telling other people that they're victims and they don't even realize it.

Yeah, we actually, well, we operate outside the system. Yeah, exactly. That's interesting. Okay. From your perch, a top. Yeah. Exactly. That's interesting. Okay. From your perch, a top. We can see. You know, the podcast tower.

Everyone else get taken for a ride. Yeah. We, heroically, Yeah. You know, have decided to kind of just bow out from that entire process, which is so contaminated with everybody's crazy bias

and political agendas. And what we do is we actually can kind of sit, kind of like Statler Waldorf. Yes. Right? The two critics. Notice, I mean, I'm just gonna say right now, there's no way if you did them today

they would both be white guys. Sorry. There's just absolutely, you could not do that today. No. No. They probably, they probably wouldn't even allow to both be puppets. Just to say it.

Yeah. One of them would probably have to be like a Dope queen like a well, I wasn't gonna say that I actually have an issue with it But see now that feels good, too What does can we somehow do both Can we get them just in enough and then like go the other, then just be like. Well, this is what we should have done, Hayes.

And Paul, I don't wanna do this to you now, although you did kind of step in it. What would be interesting is if we are totally neutral, and what we're doing is, and a lot of people do this very well. Tots nuch. We're totes nuch, and we are get ready, get ready, we're just asking questions. Is there anything wrong with that?

And then the guest who comes in can't seem to answer a question without kind of creating some issues that we see the other side of. to answer a question without kind of creating some issues that we see the other side of. That is powerful. There is nothing intrinsically inherently wrong with just asking questions. Let me back it up. Let me back it up.

I thought we were supposed to be curious. Let me back it up. Okay. Because we just can talk about what happened here. So let's say, so we're just asking questions. Okay. So then this, so then he comes in and I go like,

what do you think about the fact that, like, how like the R word is back? And let's say Paul goes like, I think it's bad. I think that we stopped using that word because it's like offensive to people and like it's like just not, there's no benefit of it. It's, there's only like a downside that some people are hurt by it.

And then we go, and then we drop, you enjoy the symphony? Okay. You enjoy the symphony at all? Because it gets written down there and they actually, so should they not be allowed to, like how far are we gonna take this? We never use the word.

We're just asking questions. Or something like, so you think it's like bad to be R worded because like they actually are that. This, exactly. You know? Exactly. Sorry, I think you have a copy. If you aren't even that.

If you have a problem with the word. There should be no stigma. You have a problem with meeting no stigma. Yeah. Right. You're the ones who are like putting it on this, that this is like bad to be for some reason. I guess you think it's inherently insulting

to say something that is just a descriptor. So like that's an issue for you. And that's where the stigma is coming from, is from people saying like, oh, you can't say that because it's so bad. The judgment around the word is what creates the shame. And if we just said, hey, the word's just the word that we use,

all of a sudden now everyone's happy. Do you think other words should be banned? What other freedoms do you wanna take away from people? Can I ask you this? And this is not, I'm not asking you guys, but I'm being like the person. Why is it, don't you think it's weird that you can't see it one in 10 TV commercials

without there being an interracial couple? Right, yes. What is with that? Isn't that weird? Let's see if we can look at what percentage of couples. What happened to white people, white people couples in 10 out of 10 commercials, as opposed to one out of 10? And then, well, and then an 11th commercial that was only on in certain markets, that

was only for a product being specifically marketed to someone who was not. Yeah. What about, is that okay? I'm just asking a question. Can we just do that? I'm just asking a question. Do you think it's interesting? And I would say, so Paul, I see you have glasses on. Yeah. Are you nearsighted or farsighted? I'm nearsighted. Okay. So should that be the N word? So should that be the N word? Because you're saying that you have a vision impairment

that requires some correction that you are in a sense, differently abled. And so we're banning these words, but where does it stop? Now we can't say near sighted. How do we even describe this? And here's what I love is that now we're already at, we can't say that anymore. Right, that do we even describe this? And here's what I love, is that now we're already at, we can't say that anymore. Right, that's right. Even though no one has said that.

I was actually thinking that's crazy we can't say that. Yeah, and it hasn't even happened. It's fucking insane. It hasn't even happened yet. How can I even fill my prescription? Yeah, exactly. Because it's like I'm not allowed to say that I'm. Your optometrist is not allowed to tell you.

That I'm F-sighted or N-sighted. Yes. You know what I mean? I can't say it anymore. So they've taken this now. Your optometrist has to say you tell you. That I'm F-sighted or N-sighted. Yes. You know what I mean? I can't say it anymore. So they've taken this now. Your, your optometrist has to say you're the N-sight slur. Shouldn't I be able to choose? Shouldn't I be able to pick whether I.

Whether you're near sighted or far sighted? Well, yes, that too. Yeah. I mean. Should I be able to pick which? I don't. which one I am? Should you be able to identify as just like whichever one you want? Can I identify as far as? Ah, you saved it.

Thank you. You saved it. Thank God. I mean, that was my first like- And it makes sense. I could- It's the time where I really felt like I was getting you there. What I thought you were saying was impossible and then you- I could put it down and I thought, don't take that shot.

Yeah. Swish. Yeah. I mean, that was getting used to this. When I thought you were saying it was impossible, and then you. And I thought, don't take that shot. Yeah. Swish. Yeah. I mean, that was, that felt good. That was good. Yeah. Sometimes you just need to see it go through once, and you start to really feel it.

Right. Can I identify as a. And I feel like I'm gonna be using that a lot. As a, as a, as a. It's, and anything will work, so. As a. Doesn't matter, you can see, it could be something you see in the room. Hold on, no, I know, I know, I know. It could be something you see in the room. I know the rules, I know the um, doesn't matter. You can see, it could be something.

You know, I know, I know, I know, I know the rules. I know the rules. I know the rules. I know the rules. No, no, no, no. I got, like, like that's like, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. That's like me saying, like I identify as a, okay, we're both talking. I can't think of a thing. No, but what I'm telling you is like, you could stop talking, just pick the thing. Okay. Okay. But I'm trying to pick the thing, but I feel like I need to say the words I identify as a first. Okay, and so you've said those words and now say it.

Okay, but. Because that's gonna be the ideal for us is to get it out right away. But now the distance is so far from the original words that I said. And that's my point. To what? Is that the issue is like if you take too long,

it doesn't feel like it packs as much punch. I feel like I was so close to getting it and then you kept telling me to just say it, but I didn't have it. And every time you were saying just say it, it was pushing it further away. Yeah, because I don't wanna make you feel that way, but I do wanna hear what you have to say.

And I don't wanna make it more complicated, but for me, I'm like, okay, is this where you use the R word? And I'm like, no, not really. Are you kidding me? You think that's a useful, I don't think that would work. Because you wait till we run out of steam and then you say, you know what you guys are. I know, but it's not the identify as this.

Like that's not like, I'm like combining two things. You say you should identify as. Okay, yeah, that's right. Yeah, later. Oh, that's so good. I could identify the both of yous. Yeah, yeah. Ah, that's so good. I could identify the both of yous. Yeah, yeah. Ah, that's so good.

Right, okay. I'm getting how the shows work and I'm actually starting to see the appeal of making one if not necessarily listening to one. Oh my God, yeah. Making one for sure. Well, there are some sort of patterns in games you can kind of trap yourself into and it is very,

I mean, it is very, I'm not touching you. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like you can't get mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. Hollywood handbook.

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Are we gonna need like, some of these, some of these have so many guys in here. Are we going to need like more guys? There's always more guys. But then what's the like financials of that? Is it like, I know it's not, Oh, you mean like permanently? Well there, some of those guys who were just always around and I look at these kind of bunches of guys and I can see see right there, like, okay,

that guy I know is not like fully cut in on this. You know what I mean? He's here a lot, but this is like- And he doesn't really know what everybody else is making from this. He's doing piecework. I know that. He might think that everyone else is getting paid

like on a per episode basis, if that, but like that's not actually what's going on. But what if I, I like, how do I end up being one of the other guys and not that guy? You know, what if I bring a bunch of guys in here and I'm like looking around and I can already feel that I'm one of those guys, you know, then we, well, then we get into the concept of the alphabet male system. Okay. Yes. And you're familiar with the Greeks. We should talk about this, we should talk about this.

And the Greeks, the Greeks, like, they put everyone into a alphabet category. And they said, you're this, you're that. And then what is great is you decide yourself. You just say it. You say- What you identify as. Yes, exactly.

Okay, but it's good this time. It's good that, Yeah, there's been a bit of a run on it this time It's for real. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a big run on a yes So we run on a yeah. Yeah, so when we're tired be good to differentiate but also a big run on calling people be So you get to decide what you are and you get to decide what other people are. Yes. And it's so far it's been pretty binary, but if I want it to be, and I, you know, I'm ashamed, I don't know my whole Greek alphabet so perfectly, but I wanna say OOPS-a-LOD.

OOPS-a-LOD. If I wanna be an OOPS-a-LOD male. Oh, sorry, we just got your size back, you're type O. Yeah, and I'm totally outside the system. Yeah. O for outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're an OOPSILON male. I'm totally outside the system. Yeah. O for outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

I don't have to play your little games. I'm just here to ask questions. So when we're talking about like mindset stuff, which we are gonna have to be doing a lot more of, that's one where we like pick and you are whichever one you want. Yes. And you define it on your own

and no one else is allowed to do it for you. Yeah. But what if someone is like doing that to me? I'm getting like, I have to like be pissed off and fighting and stuff, right? Here's what you do. And this is how I think you solidify as the top dog, is you act like you don't care.

And if somebody- But Paul, I care so much about being the top dog. But you have to understand that when you see a top dog, you're like, I wish I was that guy, he doesn't care. But he, maybe he does care, but he acts like he doesn't. He's so dishonest. Is he crying? Does he cry as well?

Does he cry like me? No, not that anybody sees. Who knows what happens by and close to us. You just said that he like thinks about it the same way I do, that he like cares so much as making him like. Yeah, but he doesn't let you know that. He doesn't let you know.

Well, neither do I. You just said he's not crying. Well, then congrats, you're there. But I'm crying. Are you? Yeah. Doesn't look like you're crying to me. Okay, I'm really close.

To crying? Yeah. Okay. So maybe he's not crying right now, but he's gonna be in like one second. But I mean... Because it's happening so much. Nobody can see it, that's the thing.

If you don't, you don't do it in front of people. You shouldn't bring it up. But he's Top Dog and I'm not. And that's what I'm crying about. Who, him? Yeah. No, not him. No, not me. No. This other guy. But I'm crying about it., him? Yeah. No, not him. No, not me. No, if any of them are him. This other guy. But I'm crying about it.

But here's what you do. You tell other, okay, it starts with telling other people. Uh-huh. We're both top dog. Me and him, we're both top dog. Okay. Then that will color how basically the guy is. This guy's like, man, I'm friends with him

and we're both top dog. Yes, exactly. And it just so happens that he's not crying. And I am. And emails like us. Yeah. When you, if you're, if you're going to be an album male, you, you act like an album male.

You say you're an album male and you refer to fellow Albas as your friends and say that you're both Albas. Okay. Right. And maybe crying is now part of like a new, because we're gonna need to find a new martial art to like have be part of our thing. Do you feel like you're definitely gonna be doing

a lot of crying? We absolutely need to plan for that in any scenario that we're developing here. I've gotta have some kind of way to spin the crying because it's almost certainly going to happen and might happen any minute. Okay, yes. There's two occasions when you cry.

Sad, laughing. So when you're crying. It's so funny I'm crying. It's so funny. You're so ridiculous or another word that starts with R, I'm crying. And so I'm smiling while I'm crying

through my whole pocket. The only thing you have to learn how to do is smile while you cry. That's it. You could do that. That's something you could train yourself to do. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, but...

Okay, but that's so, oh, you're making me laugh, man. I guess you also have to control if you can figure out a way to control the sobbing part of it because crying almost sounds like laughter. See, that sounds like you're laughing. That's really funny. It doesn't look like you're smiling though. I will say that although it sounds like you're laughing, you do look like you're crying. I have the side turned up. I know, but it's a grimace. It's a grimace.

Maybe if you like clap like you're just, you can't believe. That's working! It's well done. It was really close. It was really close. you like clap like you're just, you can't believe that's working. It was really close. God, it was right. I swear to there was like a, a couple of seconds there where it was perfect, but you can, you could practice. This is something you can practice. You know, when you, you cry and you look in the mirror this is something you could practice You know what you you cry you look in the mirror to see what you look like when you're crying

Yeah, yeah, yeah Do that eyes are too squozing Your eyes are too squozing to see hmm. Well, that's what you take a big heaving when you take your big heaving breath I would just get a video crew. Oh Yeah, I guess that's true. You can do that. Yeah, get a selfie stick. With video crews now. My last nickel. Oh, you get a whole crew.

Okay, I was thinking you could just use your phone, but. My hands are shaking too hard. And I'm also supposed to be clapping, don't forget. At the point that I'm learning how to set up like a tripod for my phone or something, I'm just like, I'm just like, I might as well have a professional crew here. Like look at all this equipment.

Tripods are little. They're not, you know what I mean? It's a whole totally different skillset. You know what I mean? We have unions for this stuff. Oh, so I just hire you. There's a word I want to use so bad right now, but it's not time yet.

No. And when do you think it, but it's not time yet. No, and. When do you think it will be time? I'm wondering. Well, I. After the 25th? I'm feeling very comfortable now with my idea to ask questions and have the questions all be framed around like, out of respect for you, my woke guest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to use this language, but we're going to talk around it in a way that is frankly worse than just casually using any kind of language, more damaging, and just kind of incept these ideas and just kind of stake out these sort of arguments. Sorry, yes.

These are dreams in a way. I think we can talk, I think we can interpret dreams and stuff on the show as well. That's also like just another thing that people might like. I haven't seen that film, but it's dreams, right? It's incepting. Incepting is dreams, yeah. That's what they're doing.

You should do a podcast about not having seen different movies. Inceptione. And Tenet, what's that? Tenet is on a court, both people have rackets. There's- Pause. Okay.

This could work. This could work. This could work. My plan is to, I'm, I don't feel quite as prepared, obviously I have a little, um, routine set up where I am going to call my wife these different words in a Fibonacci sequence style cadence. Da Vinci code. So once on the first day, three times the next

day, seven times the day after that. Like now we're into like 13, 15 times by day four. That's a swift ramp up. But that's the, that's the. Fibonacci, it's the golden. That's the golden. Our word. Sacred.

Yeah. Fibonacci is the, is the,acci is the dimensions of your face, right? It's the quadrants of your, if you have the four equal quadrants. It's everything. It's everything. It's everything. It's everything. It's a sacred ratio. You can actually put it on anything

and it's just on there. Not a seashell. Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. This is one of the main things you can put it on. I swear to you, Paul, literally everything else you can put it on. Yeah, you can put it on anything. A big fish.

Yes, yes, yes. A big fish? Yeah, like a what? Okay, yes, not a big fish. Obviously you can't put it on a big fish, no. But like literally anything else you can put it on. That's a big fish. Well, that, you're kinda double dipping in terms of the-

Crab. Crabs is- That's too weird. That's not even an Earthly being. Like land stuff, like not like ocean stuff obviously, but like any land related stuff. That's not land. Got a seashell.

Yeah. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. We said that you're not supposed to do it with any ocean related stuff. But you said before the seashell is one of the most common things. That's what he was saying, he was lying. Lying? I think I was confusing it before the seashell is one of the most common things. That's what he was saying, he was lying. Lying, yes. I think I was confusing it

with a sea suite. It's funny because- Which is something I also wanna talk about on the show. I was just asking questions and then you lied. And isn't that interesting? Wow. Okay. And I am the good person. I'm here to admit I was confused.

I'm here to admit that I misunderstood the question and I misspoke when answering. The phrasing of the question was a bit intentionally confusing, I think. Yeah. So it starts out where it sounds like I was wrong. And then by the end, it's like this person was wrong for asking the question

the way they did. Yeah. This is exciting. I like this. I'm just feeling like the sort of wind at my back right now. Yeah. It just really, I could run forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm starting to understand what we're doing here and what a podcast is, which it's just never too late to figure out what a podcast is. And we started it, nobody knew, us included, and they have sort of started to independently of us figure out what it is. And I'm here to kind of get on board, just like, just give up and just kind of roll my dead corpse along with the current. Just float down.

Did you know Thomas Edison invented the light bulb by accident? He's trying to make a washing machine. He didn't even do it. And he made a light bulb and he's like, I don't know what this is for. And then other people figured it out. And they made sockets and stuff.

And what he was really trying to do, by the way, was get his dick sucked. Is that true? And he's not trying to invent a washing machine. He's going, trying to get with this chick, but she said you gotta do laundry all Friday night. Maybe if I can make that laundry go a little quicker, I can get this Thomas Ed dick sucked.

And by denying that like this, that it's like bad to wanna get your dick sucked for some reason. Oh, like I'm supposed to pretend that feels bad to me just because it is sort of scary. And you actually noticed that they haven't invented like a new thing to like do with your clothes since the washing machine and then the dryer, obviously.

But now there has, where's the new machine since then? Because we're not allowed, all the inventors are out there being like, oh, I guess I'm never allowed to have my dick sucked again. And so what's the point of me even inventing something? Right, why would we make a better device for cleaning clothes? When I can't even say that, yes, I'm so sorry. I actually think it feels kind of interesting.

That's a crime now. I wholeheartedly apologize if I find pleasure from having my dick sucked. Oh, yeah. Well, it's a lock me up. You know what I mean? Because this is the way God made us that that feels good. Every in every single culture, every species all throughout history. Yeah, every species all throughout history. Yeah, every species.

Everything. Walk one foot in the woods. Not sharks, Paul. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's got to come at me. It's sharks again, you know? But all the normal ones. So when you say every, it's not really every. Not the sea animals.

Some of them, though. Just, like, wander into any national park and just see what they're all doing in there. Just sit down on a bench, you know? Take out your jersey. Just actually look at nature for, you know. You know what? Go to the zoo because that's what they're all doing.

They love it there. They've made a big chain, all the animals, big chain. Jesus Christ, yeah. Fucking glug, glug, glug. 5,000. Yeah. They've made a big chain all the animals big chain Yeah, it's fucking the whole zoos doing this thing But Thomas Edison's a bad guy. Yeah, just gotta ban zoos now. Yeah Turn off all the lights to no apparently we shouldn't have done that So there was no problem with zoos for a million years now all of a sudden they're bad. Mm-hmm Now oh now they're coming for our zoo they finally figured out the bad thing about zoos

What's next man one of the most pure? Just can't even see an angle through which it could be considered bad at now You're not even allowed to say to a living creature, get in there anymore. Yeah. Get in there! I wanna fucking look at you. Excuse me, I wanna look at you. So, oh my God, you took that lion so far from his home.

Yeah, that's why we painted the jungle on the walls. Yeah, that's why we actually had, we're aware of what we did. A pretty accomplished muralist paint the concrete in the back. Yeah. Zoo muralist. Ask him if he has a problem with it.

You're welcome to go into the lion cage and ask him. Go in and talk to him. Oh, because it's so safe. You know what, you bring him home. Oh, I guess we should just let him wander around the city. I guess we should just open the cage and let the lion do whatever. He's such a big sweetheart. Why don't we let him just go?

Oh, you cracked it. You figured it out because now zoos are bad. Do you even hear yourself? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So go ahead. Just bring the lion home. Here's the key.

Go on, walk in, pick him up and carry him to whatever stand. Yep. Unbelievable. It's frankly unbelievable. What were you going to say you identify as before? Oh, uh, that's like, uh, hey, can I say that I identify as a, I would say, I know you didn't want me to interrupt you before, so I'm gonna let you go.

You are doing it again though. Can I say that I identify as a, So if you say that, then I say I identify as a, Bye. As a, as a, as a, as a, um, um, bye. That was a head gum podcast. Hi guys. I'm Ego Wodim. Check out my new show. Thanks dad.

Now on head gum, I was raised by a single mom and I don't have a relationship with my dad and spoiler. I don't think I'm ever going to have one with him because he's dead. But I promise you that's okay because on my new podcast I sit down with father figures like Bill Burr, Kenan Thompson, Adam Pally, Hasan Minaj, Tim Meadows, Andy Cohen and many many more. I get to ask them the questions I've always wanted to ask a dad like how do I know if the guy I'm dating is the one? Or how can I change the oil in my car?

Can you even show me that? Or better yet, can you help me perfect my jump shot? I am so bad at basketball. Oh my gosh. Maybe I'm bad at basketball because I don't have a dad, but subscribe to Thanks Dad on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday.

Hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups? Girl, same. Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me? The podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating.

Each week, I get real with comedians, friends, and celebrities about their love lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world of relationships. I've chatted with amazing guests like Conan O'Brien, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Trixie Mattel, Tiffany Haddish, and so many more. So whether you're single, mingling, or boot up, there's something in it for everyone. Tune into Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer,

and discover insights that might just save you from your next dating disaster. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, and catch Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts and catch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Friday. Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True Podcast now on HeadGum. Every week me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true

to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions it and we get down to what's really going on. I asked them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew Fualo, or my actual biological mother, Kelly,

my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great, and if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya!