Hollywood Handbook - Paul Scheer, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: November 17, 2014

This week, Hayes and Sean are pissed about a certain "magazine" cover and they explain why. Then, PAUL SCHEER is in the studio to workshop a spooky script with the boys and talk about the process behind his podcast "How did this get made?" and MeowTV.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Sonic Highways, Sonic, the real Sonic, Sega won't let you use him. It can't be about him anymore. But you should have it be about music now. Hmm, okay. Because I had taken a late night phone call from him where he was like, do you think I could do the Sonic Boom thing that Guile used to do? Yes.

And I said, well, I'll talk to my other video game friends, but I feel like you did the one video game thing, it didn't work. Now you're going to go Sonic Boom. Why don't you just use Hay's idea and make it about, you did what? It's a music thing? Yes. And now it is about music. But the original conceit of like, imagine how fast Sonic could go down a highway racing a car. Well, and also imagine doing a punch that's a Sonic boom.

On a highway. Oh, yes, to a highway. You punch the concrete, and how many cars would be excited about something like that? So, I don't know. At some point, you say, just don't do it at all, but people like the music that he did. Yes, yes. He was in Goo Fighters, is that right? Yes, he was in the Goo Fighters.

I confused them with Foo Foo Dolls. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. An insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. It's nice to laugh after being so mad. Go ahead. What up, what up? That's just, you know, we don't have to do it,

but I think when we don't do it, it can create a little bit of a weird energy. People say, what happened? Yes, they're scared. Where did you go? It is, of course, the basis for our sticker, so. Well, like I said, it was a week of being mad because there's a lot of stuff

that's wrong with this country, and it has to do with sometimes politics, and occasionally it's about taxes and things like that, but this week the main thing that was wrong with America was you all saw this magazine cover. And I hesitate to even describe it in detail. Well, I hesitate to even call it a magazine.

Yeah, I mean, and specifically the magazine is Paper Magazine, which is like, yeah, we know. And the image on the cover is Kimian as if she needs any more attention and it's she the the, that's exactly right. It's a desperate cry for look at me and I'm on a magazine and it's made of paper and everyone has to know that. And it's just so pathetic. And the fact that people actually apparently bought it and looked at it just makes me very scared for my children and my children's children and what this country is because we used to be about something and if you were famous and you were on a magazine it used to mean you had talent because the question

my the question for me is what does she even do? She doesn't do anything. What does she do? She doesn't do anything. What does she do? Literally, let's talk about what she actually does. She's on a TV show and gets her picture taken. Okay? Today, that's a job? That's a job all of a sudden?

Today, that could be your job? And why? Because people want to look at her? Like, okay, being a beautiful woman, having your picture taken, that's suddenly a job? We don't even have a name for that. You know, give me a real celebrity. Give me Kate Upton from The Other Woman, an actress, you know? That is a celeb.

Like, because she's doing something. Like, because she's doing something. Give me a songwriter like Paris Hilton, you know, had that single out. Now that, to me, or Coco, Ice-T's wife. And remember, if you think back to the days of Betty Page and Jane Mansfield and how they used to, I think they were professional USO performers. They used to go and they would do dancing for the troops. And they got there because of their talent. And I miss, where is our generation's Zsa Zsa Gabor?

Now, here's a woman. She was a very famous woman for a very long time because of her talent. And it wasn't because she wore jewelry and was glamorous and beautiful. But she was famous because, well, mostly because she was married so many times. But Kim hasn't been married but three times. Well, that was a tradition that Paris Hilton inherited, actually, because you remember, just like Zsa Zsa, she went to go live on a farm. And so when is Kim Kardashian going to go live on a farm? She's never been on a farm at all.

At all. And so it just makes me wonder, like, are we just picking and choosing, like, oh, this person's famous because a lot of people want to look at them? That's not fame. And when you think about role models, I mean, you just think about role models for a second, and who we're choosing to celebrate with our magazine covers, and you think about all the scientists that are out there.

Oh, please, just go ahead and just name one right now. Well, and see, that's the problem, because I can name a bunch, Carly, for example, and they're doing things. You know what happened this week? Do you realize what happened to the news this week? We just sent out a spaceship and we stopped. We put it on a comet and made it go away.

Yes. From potentially hitting the United States. From hitting the United States. And from what I've heard, maybe hitting a bus. And if you think about how many people are on a bus at any given time, minimum

one to be driving it, and there's seats all the way down them. Mm-hmm. All of those could be comet food right now. But what do we do instead? What do we, whose butt do we put on the magazine instead? And we put Kim Kardashian's butt on there.

When, what does she even do when a scientist, put a scientist butt on the magazine cover. Can I just say, I've literally never seen Malala's butt. At this one, I won the Nobel Peace Prize. And I haven't seen her butt on a magazine on the internet i mean what are we doing as a nation looking at the butt of some woman who you know is just some famous woman and not a scientist or maybe somebody who's even a smart writer. Yes, what about Joan Didion? Thank you. And people say, well, Joan Didion's butt is not big enough to be on the magazine.

Well, I don't know. We don't know what it looks like because no one will put it on the magazine. Yes, and there's another picture in there later where you can see her whole – her Neneno and her taters. She got her taters and her Neneno out, and you're looking at them, and I'm going, well, couldn't this be someone with real talent? Somebody like Flannery O'Connor or something. So sad that Flannery O'Connor and Maya Angelou died and you never saw their nanae now even once. Yes. It's very frustrating.

And so to me, I just wonder as a, what direction we're headed, and are we going to actually, maybe we should have let the comet crash into us. And maybe that may have been an interesting wake-up call. And maybe if it ate some of those bus people, the comet munched them up, then maybe we'd go, oh, well, we're not really looking at what's important. I mean, somebody like Heidi Klum, okay? Now, this is a celebrity. Her, she, because I'll tell you what.

She's a fashion judge. She's a fashion judge. She says what's good about fashion. She really knows how to get her picture taken, which I don't even know if Kim was doing it right. I mean, I wasn't in the room, but I got to assume they had to tell her how taken, which I don't even know if Kim was doing it right. I mean, I wasn't in the room, but I got to assume they had to tell her

how the camera works, everything. And Heidi's on a reality show. Kim is too, but this one's a competition. I haven't seen anybody win anything on the Kardashians except an argument over who's going to, you know,

hang out with Bruce. Anyway, it feels good to have fun now that we are not so mad. It is important to talk about, though, and I'm glad that we did decide to bring it up. Well, no one's talking about it. Yes, yes. And if I could say one more thing. Except to say yummy.

That's what everyone says. These zombies just look at a big button. They say one more thing. Except to say yummy. That's what everyone says. These zombies just look at a big butt and they say yummy gimme. Well, it could look like a peach. And they're thinking they're going to take a big chomp. And you can't. It's so clearly Photoshopped. It's paper. And they are trying to tell you on the cover of the magazine.

I know it's Photoshopped photoshopped and they are trying to tell you where the cover of the bag is I know it's photoshopped because from the angle actually her taters would be sticking out in front of her shoulder a little bit and you don't see them I mean you see them later in the photo with her nana but you don't see them in that shot so I go well I know they photoshopped it so what else did they change

did they make it look more like a beach it's just disgusting to me. And so, you know, thank you to us for being brave enough to bring it up and talk about it and to be upset about it because it's a good thing to be upset about. We still haven't found that plane. We're talking about Kim. Where is the plane plane put the plane on the magazine somebody put the missing plane parts on a magazine cover i mean that's news or at least a photo of the ocean where we think it might be take your fashion magazine and use it to find the plane. Do something important for once instead of this woman who,

it's unclear to me what she even does. I'm so glad they didn't let her get a star on Walk of Fame. They blocked her from buying it, and that was the happiest day of my life. And I said, at least Hollywood still has some morals. The Walk of Fame is for actresses like Patricia Heaton. And I can say one more thing, and I will. If that magazine's true and they really did break the internet,

I'm going to be so pissed because I'm really starting to get the hang of that thing and my little cousin Sam was really showing me I got pretty close to getting to a website this week. And some of my financial information is in there, I'm told. And so if it's broken then i'm

gonna be in big trouble and somebody else is too and i know who to blame and it's a certain yeah it's a certain uh woman who lives in calabasas with her family and apparently that's news we have a great guest today paul sheer is here and you know him from we've talked up his show a couple times on this show, How Did This Get Made on Earwolf and he has the Adult Swim show with the SUV and he's on the League show and he's

been in the movies and he's going to come here and we're going to workshop a script together coming right up on Hollywood Handbook So I chop a script together coming right up on hollywood handbook so i turned to jill biden and i go which one is this again and she goes oh that's the cave age gruyere and i go so then what's that one and she realizes her error yes right yes well's the thing, because she does that eyes closed, and she just takes a big sniffy. Yes, it's all a big whiff. And to her credit, she's very good 90% of the time.

But when she's wrong, she's wrong, and someone needs to make her admit it. What was it? Oh, it was a sheep's cheese. Oh, my. It's not Gouda and it's not Asiago. You know what? I wrote it down in my journal, so I will get back to you. Hey, welcome back to Hollywood Handbook,

an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet, lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Great guest. Great guest. Great guest. A real corker of a guest we have today. A true corker of a guest. Is Paul Scheer. And I would almost say we've been lying when we said we had a corker of a guest before

now that we know what one really feels like. In retrospect, it has turned out to be a lie. Well, the pressure is on, but I feel like I'm going to probably bring my A game here. I feel like I already feel it in the room. I feel like we'm going to probably bring my A game here. I already feel it in the room. I feel like we're going to have a big show. We've been plugging your podcast, actually, on this show for a long time.

Thank you. That's actually really helped. We've gotten a lot of heat from that. We've definitely gotten some bumps. I think the good thing about our show is you guys get the word of mouth out, and that gets the tracking up and that's really important because it's all about the tracking ultimately like how is

how is it being perceived you don't have to see it but you have to know about it and that's kind of the whole I mean you know that's the way I work you know yes yes the tracking yeah exactly you know tracking tracking and now your podcast yeah how we like the movie well no no it's it's actually called you know? Tracking. Tracking. And now your podcast.

Yeah. How We Like the Movie. Well, no, no. It's actually called How Did This Get Made? How did they do that? Well, not how did this get made. How did they do the movie? Well, not the movie. How did they do that movie?

Well, you know what? That is kind of a, it sounds like that. Yeah. It's How Did This Get Made? There's no movie in the title, you know. But, you know, it's with myself and June Diane Raphael and Jason Manzoukas. And we have a celebrity guest. Your wife.

My wife, yeah. She has my wife, yeah. We love it. We want to know because people are really listening to this thing. Yeah. What would you say you do on it that people like? Huh,

that's a good question. Like what, why do people like it? That's something that's replicable. Yes. Without actually doing your show,

is there something, another show? Do Again. Could do, yes, Oh, so maybe like, this is a kind of advice for like young podcasters

out there Yes, good And maybe they have a network that they're working within That should be a good foundation for a listener And maybe they've been doing it for over a year Not totally started from scratch And the equipment they're using is probably the most expensive you could buy And they're plateauing in a big way

So they're not getting an audience. Yes. Yes, good, yes. Well, look, I mean, I always say that, you know, accessibility is something that's always important. And what we try to do is we bring the audience in with us. We all watch this movie together. So, I mean, you know, I wouldn't say that you have to watch a movie,

but you would want to kind of commune with the audience. You want to be one with them. You don't want to be above them. How do you decide which ones to include in this? What's the filtering process? Well, you would include them all. You would include them all. I mean, we're all equal.

We're not better than anyone else. What if you are better? Better than the audience? In case they were. Well, no, you know, not. I don't know if that's a, I don't know if you could. Not just, not like better bodies. I mean, probably, but just better like they have.

More things. Well, what they're talking about, they know more about it. More things. More things. And being smarter. And funny and nice. Well, I mean, I don't know. They should maybe check themselves a little bit because I feel like, you know, look, we're all in this together.

And we should, you know, I think every form of entertainment is about a shared experience. And, you know, we like entertainment that brings us in and not preaches to us, nor does it present something that they can't wrap their heads around. Like, you know, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous is a great example of people that were enormously wealthy and lived a very highfalutin lifestyle. That is a good example. Yeah, I like that.

But at the same time, the host of that show really brought people in. Can I tell you my theory? Sure. What people like your show? Yeah. We live in a very negative culture these days. sure because of the internet yeah yeah uh hater and haters yeah instant instant gratification society and i think because you take these movies some of which we've been involved with in some capacity and it's all in good it's all in just yeah like nobody sets out

to make a movie that you go, how do they do this movie? Right, yes. But I think that's why people like seeing people who have actually achieved something taken down. I think that's what people enjoy. Well, that's definitely an interesting viewpoint. Yeah, get off the pedestal just because somebody thinks they're important because they wrote Leprechaun 3. So, okay, so basically that is interesting. We always try to say that our show isn't about pushing forward negativity.

It's kind of the discussion you might have with a group of friends after you enjoyed or saw a movie that made you question, how did that get made? Friends. And then you take someone you work really hard on and you say it. Right, of course. I mean, look, that's something that we wrestle with, obviously. But, you know, look, we are all different than other people. We're in this business. We're writers and actors and producers,

and we've been involved in some embarrassing things. And so we feel like, hey, look, we would have a smile on our face if someone did it about our thing. Maybe. We'll see. And so do we. And so do we. And in some of the cases, also, there's a cut of some of these movies that actually does really work.

Yes. And it's a collaborative process. And sometimes it was the other guys. Well, that's actually a very good point. Yeah. There's not one chef in the kitchen. I mean, except if you're talking about, of course, Jon Favreau and his movie Chef. You know, because he was the writer, director, actor, star.

And the chef. And the chef. Literally the titular chef. Yes. You know, but that's a very rare example where you get somebody making an independent movie like that and really getting their voice out there. And we know how that got made. It was a great cast. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. From top to bottom, T to B, there were true A-listers filling out the casts, and when Johnny Legs says yes, you're going to be looking at a green light for your film. Well, yeah. I mean, I think we all want to achieve that.

We all want to work with our friends, and it just happens that his friends are giant stars in the Marvel Universe. And so I think that that brought them over. And it was a very – look, but hey, look, he's the same kid from Chicago who made Swingers, and it just happens to be that circle thing. I heard some of that scene with Robert Downey Jr. I think you're referring to. I heard some of it was improvised.

I mean, I really heard that. That's how loose they're flowing. Yes, exactly. Yeah. You know, it seems like there's a very loose vibe there. And I heard he said that they were going to get to eat the food after, but they did not end up getting to eat most of the food. Oh, so that was like part of the deal.

Like if you came and shot this movie, you get some delicious... Well, it's fancy food. Yeah, it is fancy. But at parts, it's not fancy food. But it's delicious. It's getting to its roots. Oh, but it tastes great. It tastes great.

And that's what it's all about. Yeah. Now, Paul, people have said, when you do your movie takedowns, they say, well, why don't you give it a try for once? Right. What do you mean, why don't I give it a try? Well, maybe you see how hard it is.

Yeah. Yeah, why don't you go and you write a script, and then you'll see how it can be pretty hard. Well, I mean, we don't really get that kind of feedback. But, I mean, I definitely have – I've been – I've done some things. I did a thing called Meow TV, which was television for cats by cats. And that was paid for by the – and these are the wonderful people at Purina. And they gave us a great slot on Lifetime. And it was a really fantastic experience.

But, I mean, it didn't turn out great. And the cats didn't like it? Well, yeah, I think that the show from what we were told was to appeal to cats, very similarly to that character in Scrooged where they wanted to appeal to little animals. This is

actually a real person after that movie came out trying to appeal to cats. Very similar. Cats are little animals. And it scared them. I don't know if it scared them. I don't know if they had a focus group with cats. That seems like the first thing to, if they want to know whether or not it's real. If it's really for them.

Well, cats are cagey, and they probably wouldn't show up for such a thing. Or if they did show up, they probably wouldn't express their truest opinion. Depends how they're raised. I'm sorry? It depends how they're raised, because you said cats are cagey, and that's sort of this blanket statement where it's like okay well okay

like white guys are this and it's just like okay but it's it's a little bit of environment involved too okay sure okay there's actually all right yeah there's nurture and nature and they're not okay well you don't have to i mean all right you've clearly a cat owner. That's neither here nor there nor in the stars. I'm not trying to. Dear Brutus. All right. I'm not trying to insult any cat owners out there. I'm just saying that they're tourists.

No, you're not insulting cat owners. You're insulting cats because you're saying they're all one thing. All right. Well, okay. Yeah. All right. Only one. Yeah, he got me.

I guess he got me on that. Now, Paul, we have something that we've done in the past that we like to do for some of our guests and it's a little helping segment and i don't know if it has a name but what it is to describe it is you bring us one of your scripts that you have that you're workshopping around town i'm very actually excited about this because um you know you did say why don't i put my you know put my money where my mouth is? And I've been fascinated by the success of the horror genre. Oh, yeah. And I feel like that's the easiest way in right now is with a genre film.

And a horror, look, I'm a big fan of the Blumhouse people. Blumhouse. I was just going to say Blumhouse. Blumhouse. Yeah, I mean, you know, they make, sometimes they make movies, you know, for just hundreds of dollars. They'll make, you know, 15 of them

and they only release one. Or even sometimes, from what I've understood, half of one sometimes in the theater. They just feel like that is good and that will be it. No, every movie they make is based on just items in a storage closet. Or they are, I'm sorry, storage container. Like those storage wars? Yeah. that will be it. So, uh, every movie they make is based on just items in a storage closet or there are store.

I'm sorry. Storage container, like those storage wars. Yeah. They buy, they bid on a storage locker and that's how much the movie costs, however much they pay for it. And it becomes biggest movie because they found the secret,

which is what you do in the trailer. You don't show the movie. You show people watching the movie and saying, Oh, I love that. I love that. I mean, this is a genre that I wanted to get involved with because I think

financially it's a great place to kind of break into the business, you know? Yes. And you go where the money is and we're not here to judge you. And if more sick perverts want to see fucking Frankenstein's bite each other's heads off, then, you know,

I won't be there, but people are paying money, and you go where the money is, and Paul, God bless you. It's the audience's fault. It's the audience's fault. And it's their fault, and God bless you. Well, I actually take the, I do take a different approach. I like to do what Alfred Hitchcock, the great master of cinema, Alfred Hitchcock does.

He says, if you show the audience a gun in the first act, well, my gun's got to go off in the third act. And so what I like to do is have a scary scene at the top of the movie and then wait about 87, 88 minutes. And then in the final two, three, five minutes, I do a final scare. And I think you come in scared. You're in the middle. It's what's happening. And at the end, you leave. Do anything. Yeah, you leave. But when you walk out of the theater, you go, I come in scared. You're in the middle. It's what's happening. And then at the end, you leave. Do anything, yes.

You leave. But when you walk out of the theater, you go, I got pretty scared. Everything in between, yes. I always say that the whole trick that I'm trying to do with the middle of my movies is make them forget about the beginning so that when it comes back up at the end, they can go, oh, yeah. I use it as I always call films like slot machines. If you win early on, you'll stay there more and more and more because you think you're going to win.

But guess who's winning? The casino's winning. So why do I need to write five, ten scares in the middle of a movie when I could just wait? Just do two. Yes. Two good ones. Because they're expensive. Oh, my gosh.

A good scare is very expensive. I mean, you have to get the right musical stings. You have to get the right camera angle on the floor, the feet, whatever it is. There's blood. The scary hand coming out of the wicker chair, whatever it is. But we don't want to spoil it too much. Did you print copies? Yes.

Well, we asked our listeners which one of you – we know you have a lot of scripts in development. I'm sorry. Wait, wait. Which one they would like to hear. But wait. You printed copies? I did an e-print. Okay, great. Thank you. Because I do

put on all my emails now that let's think twice before you print. That's something I'm actually very involved in. One of the things that I'm trying to get the word out about which is conservation. And that's with water. That's with paper and everything. Plants. Well, this is printed out. It's formatted so it's all on one page.

It's page view. The recommendation for a script to read that we got Plants. Yeah, plants. Well, this is printed out. It's formatted so it's all on one page. It's page view. Great. The recommendation for a script to read that we got was from Shosho Bro, our friend Charlie from the forums, and he wants to see us read So It Looks Like I Married in Van Helsing. Oh, yes. And Anastasia Vigo reminded us of the subtitle is A Skellington's Kiss. Aha. Well, this is nice because I'm glad we picked this one

because this is one of the ones that is based on a true story. Oh. And it was a merging of two true stories. Obviously, Van Helsing is a great character in the American mythos. And I say that because I think we adopted him from Romania, where he was originally from. This movie will be shot in Bulgaria, obviously, just because of budgetary stuff. That's obvious.

And A Skellington's Kiss, I put that there for foreign markets. Because you can sometimes trick people as a romantic film. The power of subtitles. Exactly. Put Kiss in the subtitle. Yes, we did want to talk about subtitles and how strong they can be. And for me, I'm listening to this title and getting married is nice. And honestly, Van Helsing would be a pretty safe person to be married to

because he's going out and hunting evil spirits. They might not be coming for him. So I feel like, oh, I'm going to get out of this title alive, and then the skeleton has kissed me. Well, yes. Yes. And I think the idea of that skeleton kiss is it's, um, you know, is it a good thing or it's a bad thing?

I guess we'll have to spend 90 minutes on that. They have no lips. Well, they have no lips. Well, no, no, no. A skeleton has no lips. Yes. A skeleton has no lips. Yes. A skeleton is a creature that you're going to meet in this film, and you'll see what he has and what he doesn't have. Oh, okay.

And then, Paul, after we read this, do I send you my Lunesta bill? Because I think I'm going to have trouble sleeping with the spookiness of even the skeleton and all that. Well, hopefully it won't be that high. No, yes. Yeah, I have some. So should we just start from the top? Yes. There are a lot of sound cues in this.

And so I'll be reading along with you then. I'll do the stage directions. And maybe you guys can just kind of split up the characters as we go. Great. And I can do voices. Yeah, you know the voices. So that's perfect. I have two voices, a loud one and a quiet one.

Okay, great. Okay, there's a sound cue. Remind me of a really great story, which we definitely have to get into, about Las Vegas. Las Vegas. Las Vegas. Great film, great film. You know, which I also thought was a horror film, but it wasn't. Yes.

Only because it felt like the last, you know. It's like was a horror film but it wasn't yes only because it felt like the last it's like Final Destination yes exactly okay so it says black screen and then title card so it looks like

I married in Van Helsing exterior Bulgaria College a college boy walks out of the math room Helsing. Exterior. Bulgaria College. A college boy walks out of the math room. His name is Ruben Carter, and then it says not that one in parentheses. He walks out of the math room with

his friend, Pisin, and he's holding his hair and he's groaning. Ooh, man. Not a good pop quiz for this guy. Oh, peace in? You gotta chill, man. You're wound too tight, brother.

Why don't you go fucking jerk off to ease the tension in your soul, honey? Well, I can tell you one thing I could do. Or could I? Nah, forget it. Don't hold on to me too long, boy-o. Ooh, it's my lacrosse homies. What up, bros? High five, high five, high five. Ooh, five.

Uh, hey, maybe I'll catch up with you later. I just have to go in the woods and do something. Yeah, alright. Look out for raccoons. That's not all I'll look out for. Pierson disappears into the woods, vanishing into the dark.

Creepy music plays as he arrives at a glowing stump. Yeah, this is actually, this is definitely a good trailer scene. Oh, Lord. You dark master. Feed me the knowledge. Give me what I need.

Reuben appears in the clearing. He forgot his schwag bong. Oh, peace. Reuben, I told you. Leave me be in the woods. You're seeing too much. But, but, but, but... Now... What?

You must die! Oh, my insides feel like they're doing something crazy. Like going outside of my skin. Ruben's insides fall on the ground. This is not mint, dude. Hold it right there, foul villain. A guy pops out of the ground with a big bow and arrow that's made of silver. He pulls it back and he points it right at Peason's brain.

It's I, Van Helsing. And you cannot murder college students here in Bulgaria. Van Helsing. Van Helsing. You son of a bitch. I killed your father. And now I'm gonna kill you Oh you killed my

Another one down Pison dies in the vampire way Where he turns light from the inside And glows out and he explodes He turns to dust Ruben sits there his guts are on the ground But he is still alive Uh little help dude

I wish I could help you But when you look at me, sure, I'm good at killing things, but keeping things alive and living, I'm not so good at. Take, for example, my relationships with women. It's terrible. Oh, you're having a tough time with the ladies.

Awful. I mean, I wish I could go back to college and just create a new identity for myself and just see girls for who I am and not what I do, which is kill the beasts of the wild and awful supernatural things. Ruben brings out the... I'm dying, but here, take my student ID card. Oh.

Ruben. What an interesting name. Maybe I'll take these hacky sack balls and this backpack and I'll give you my hat. You can wear this hat. Just be yourself. Okay. Yeah. So do we want to talk about just the beginning of that?

You'd set up for a really interesting story. Yeah. What do you like? Yeah. Well, clearly, I mean, it's kind of a it's a fun switch yes right yeah it's like a college movie obviously yes it's sort of van wilder meets i don't want to say van helsing uh that's actually i hope you would say oh okay because it is okay yeah that's kind of what i wanted to do with it is just kind of you know so obviously you know you think that these are our first two main characters but they

die within the first they're both dead very fast yeah and so the the main the main movie really starts when van helsing you know takes the hacky sack ball takes the rubens id and then he's gonna go to college now it's kind of like uh the john Cryer movie Hiding Out. I don't know if you're familiar anyway. It's about him going there and getting a chance to relive college. Because he connects that

somehow to his failure in relationships. Yeah. Well, he's very bad at it. And I know, and I've read the script, but I do want to ask anyway. Yeah.

Is Ruben then going to now be Van Helsing and he got the hat even though he has no guts inside him? No, that's kind of just what we call like a red herring. Okay, so you think Ruben might appear as Van Helsing later. Yeah, I think what we're going to actually do, and I don't want to spoil it, but he'll come across him later on and he'll get that hat back.

Okay, well, that's interesting. Of course, as we all know, Van Helsing keeps his crystals in this hat. Of course, as we all know, Van Helsing keeps his crystals in his hat. And can I double check with you, through no fault of my own, did the voices of the characters, did the characters get reversed from their descriptions? Ruben is... Was Pisin the best friend and Ruben was the main guy? And Ruben is the main guy. But then Pisin became the main guy and Ruben became the friend?

Well, Ruben is acting a little more like a best friend type throughout. So is that then sort of a literary switcheroo? I mean, it's all you can wash it in the sink. That's what I always say. You can wash it in the sink. It's all you can wash it in the sink. I can't tell you how many times I hear that. Yeah, just kind of get it in the sink and we'll see what washes out.

I think the idea is that we are about, I mean, I'm always about, in my writing, subverting things the same way that like a Steven Soderbergh does stuff. He'll direct a comedy, but then he'll direct a drama, and then shoot a movie with like five cameras and you gotta pick the movie you wanna watch.

So I wanted to be like, who's the best friend? Who's the main guy? Neither. The main guy is Van Helsing. And it's that old adage, tell me what you're going to do, then do the opposite. Yes.

Then surprise me when you do what the opposite is by doing it a different way. Yes. So should we move on to one of the later scenes? Is there a scene in particular that you'd like us to focus on? Well, I'd love to talk about the first, the dance scene. Yeah, it was interesting. What is Van Helsing's success with girls now that he's taken on this Reuben persona?

But obviously, now, the idea that is when he killed, and of course, all the characters blend together. But when he killed that creature in the beginning, Pisan, that was his name that he used in college. But he obviously had opened up the wormhole of the stump at that point. So that's the runner of the movie, obviously, is that these beasts are coming out of the stump throughout the film. So he's just trying to be a normal guy in college, but these beasts are coming in. And this is kind of a classic take. I don't

know if you've ever seen a Brady Bunch episode where they are like the brothers look alike, and they have to go on two dates at the same time switching back and forth. I don't own a television. Do you have a tablet? Yeah, I have a tablet.

We can definitely download it on a tablet. Basically, in this scene, he's trying to have a great date with this girl that he really likes. She's in the law track. And these beasts are coming in because the stump is open. This is obviously towards the middle where the stump is fully open. So let's just an interior college party. Finn Helsing and Brie enter the college party.

Finn Helsing is briefly freaked out by the combination of lights he's never seen before. Lordy, Ruben, that physics test was hard. Kabonko's crazy hard. Me, oh, my, I didn't think I got a single one right.

Well, look at these foul beasts in the... What? What are these? Oh, uh, dope lights, I mean. Oh, Ruben, you're just the craziest talking guy I ever know. I guess it's because you're from the north and I'm from the south. Well, yes. Maybe we should get a beverage and enjoy a dance of some kind. But suddenly, the dance floor,

everyone's taking turns dancing and somebody pushes Van Helsing into the center of the room. Hey, hey now! No, I don't, I don't... Dance, dance, dance. Show them how you boogie, Mr. Rubin. Come on! I only know one dance. Show them how you boogie, Mr. Ruben. Come on.

I only know one dance. It's Irish step dancing. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What the heck is this geek doing? Ben Ellsing begins Irish step dancing. I think it's kind of cool. Everyone around him starts Irish step dancing as well. Wait a minute. This guy is cool.

Me thinking he's stupid makes me the one who doesn't fit in. Now I'm gonna do it. Everyone with me. Hee-ho, hey-ho. Now we're getting it. And we're really coming together. I love college. Ruben, Ruben, Ruben.

Yes, yes, yes. When are y'all gonna kiss me? Van Helsing starts to lean in for a kiss, but just as he does, some terrifying music starts to play again, and a million vampires crash in through each and every window. Jaeger beasts!

Hold on, my love. I must go to the urinal and forgive myself urine. Van Helsing disappears into the bathroom and comes back without his Reuben name tag. I really want this blood! I'm gonna get it! Yeagerbeast! Whoa! Van Helsing! Look, you guys need to die real quick because I have a hot date going on right now.

Or can we do this later, perhaps? I'm so hungry for blood. What do you have in mind? Give me 20 minutes. 20 minutes, okay. All right, hang on. Let me think. Because when the sun comes up, I got a problem. Yes, I need to lay my lips on this woman's mouth. You're going to do a big kissy on her, huh? Yes, yes, of course.

Please, just let me be. A normal kiss or a skeleton kiss? Skeleton kiss. Van Helsing, his eyebrows raised. He's never heard of the skeleton's kiss before. It turns out to be a secret kind of ancient kiss that breaks his curse and he will lose all his powers if he does the kiss can i yes i want to ask you guys because

i'm enjoying reading this do you think it was wrong that i put all that exposition in the stage direction i don't actually explain it in the script it doesn't actually come back up in the script yeah i could tell but i yeah no because i did i did think It's not supposed to come through with the eyebrows, I think. Yeah, I mean, this is a choice that I made. I know that Quentin Tarantino gets a lot of great press for writing really fun scripts to read. And I was trying to do the same thing, just give the audience,

the reader, some information that the people watching the movie would never have. It must be a very different experience to watch this film than it would be a very different experience to watch this film than it would be to just read it. Yeah. Because there's a lot of stuff like that.

Well, there's a ton of Easter eggs for the readers of the movie, which is great because I feel like when you get the book at Academy Awards season, obviously you guys get screeners and also the books, the shooting scripts. It's fun because I look forward to awards season just to get all the shooting scripts. It's fun because I think, I mean, I look forward to award season just to get all those shooting scripts. And I just kind of page through and just read them all. And I'm always like, oh, did another shooting script come today? I can't wait to read this one.

Sometimes you feel the package and it feels like it might be a DVD. But then you open it up and it's a shooting script. I'm so excited. It's so, what a great feeling. I love it. And if I get a nice USB drive, I can just pop that in and I can bring those shooting scripts anywhere.

And Warner Brothers is great with that. The great USB drives. All the scripts on there. And they're fun. I got Gahool. I got Gahool on that USB drive. Gahool, yes. I'm saving that one for a long drive.

Well, I love it because, I mean, for me, too, it's like, there's no surefire way to let someone know that you're in the biz than when you put a USB drive in that has, like, you know, it says Batman, Gahool, Captain Phillips, you know, whatever. And I think that that's the secret handshake of Hollywood, is what's on your USB drive. Oh, yes. Yeah.

I'll tell you, all is lost. You can do it about one sitting. And I do mean on the toilet. I appreciate that you, a lot of these guys will just put the song cue in the script, but you sort of do the lyrics in a column on the side. We write like an AV script. Yeah. I got my start in industrials.

So I was used to that kind of writing and it's more fun that way too column writing is more fun and that it's just kind of as you

remember the lyrics and it's not always exactly right yeah well I think that I mean that's also a rights issue sure

because these songs are expensive good protection yes yeah so I don't want to necessarily go like well we definitely

need that Taylor Swift song it's like well this is my remembrance of the Taylor Swift song. Yeah, so ultimately you could just do it if it came down to it. Exactly, yeah. Because you're showing that you know the lyrics. Yeah, shake it out, shake it out.

But there's some other, yes, I mean, you mentioned some other Easter eggs, and it is interesting. I mean, Van Helsing has a resorbed twin in his shoulder, according to the stage directions, but he's sort of feeding little baby carrots to and stuff off screen well I mean I think people said that thing about

what's in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction oh yeah if you read the script you'll find out it's gold yeah it is gold

yes and that's why it glows it's not even gold and that's the thing it's not even gold it's actually I mean maybe you read it as gold.

Oh, it says gold. Well, I thought it was, I mean, the way I read it was gold coins. Gold coins, yeah. Yes, yes. Well, and that's not just gold, because there's gold bars. But the coins, and it's very specific. It's not those chocolate ones with the gold foil on them. Yeah, yeah.

They're real gold, we think. It's like the blooms. It says it's real gold coins. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, and I think that adds so much more to Pulp Fiction now knowing that. Knowing that they wanted them, because gold's worth money.

Yeah, well, it's a lot of money. Ever since that movie. But the thing is, and this is, I mean, we all know this because of the way we do our finances. You wouldn't want to carry gold bars in a briefcase because it would weigh you down, but gold coins would be a lot lighter. A lot lighter, yes. You could carry a lot more. Should we continue from the pick up at the kiss?

Well, I mean, I think you know how that kind of goes, right? I mean, they kiss, and he goes and he kills those vampires. Yeah, what's interesting to me is sort of the detours you took in this film because it does set you up for a pretty straight he's going to be in college and just hanging out. he wins you know he scores the winning touchdown he kisses the girl but then there is also you know some scenes that maybe i wouldn't expect from the setup well i appreciate you saying that and i think you know i think the one scene you know i probably the scene that you're talking about is a scene that I got excited by,

is it's a full-on abortion scene. I mean, it's something that he goes with his friend to see her have an abortion. I'm sorry. I got a little bit. Well, I'm sorry. I got a little bit. I'm laughing at it because it's like the scene in 40-Year-Old Virgin where they're ripping the hair off his chest.

It's funny to see it live. Well, and the curses she's saying is not traditional. Maybe first it's like, well, we'll hear it. We'll hear it. But she's not reacting the way. And Van Helsing has to come in because, I mean, little did he know that she was having a devil baby. And he's there and he gets to, so he stabs it. So actually, I think it was important that that abortion scene was there.

And also, maybe when I did write the script, I had just seen Blue Valentine. So I will put that out there. So let's do that. Let's start with that one. I guess first they're kind of in the waiting room. And so it says interior waiting room. Van Helsing and Brie are

sitting there. They kind of seem like maybe they're not sure what to say to each other. These magazines are so out of date. You know one thing to be out of date is our love. And even though

we are going to stop one part of our relationship, I want you to know I'll always be there for you. Which part are we stopping? The baby. Right, yeah. Oh, I didn't know

if you meant stop having sex. No, no, we'll continue that. And I will not. But the baby's an actual part of the relationship. Okay, yes. And I will promise, I will never wear a condom. I will not put that foul beast anywhere near me.

Now look, when we go in there, I want you to trust me. You said that a lot. You seem to think that's a sticking point for me. Van Helsing isn't used to modern times. That's what it says. That's a reminder to the audience that there are differences. Their condom to him is weird. You check in with that a couple times.

He doesn't trust it. Yeah. A lot of us older guys don't really. And that's why one of the funniest things in the movie is when he talks to the water cooler. Because he hears people go, he goes, I heard that there's great water cooler talk. And he thought, he's used to dealing with kind of weird creatures. Yeah, yeah. To him, it looks like some sort of water beast.

Exactly. And then when he goes to, he says to the beast, he's like, what did you watch on reality TV? Let's just do that scene. Oh, right, yeah. Interior office break room. Van Helsing observes a water cooler from afar. He gets his courage up, and finally he is able to approach it.

Hello, water cooler. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I guess we must have a conversation. Do you like... Drip, drip, drip. The noise of the water cooler starts to make Van Helsing sweat in sort of a stimulated way. I think you are very attractive. Trip, trip, trip.

And I would like to see if you would like to go with me to the dance. Pan down to reveal that Van Helsing's dick is already stuck in the water cooler. Just let me get it in there for a second. I warn you, I don't wear condoms. I don't put that foul creature anywhere near me. Oh boy, I sure am thirsty for a glass. Whoa, yo, mister.

You never thought anything. Hi-ya. Ah. It turned out that the guy was a vampire. He dies in this vampire way. Freeze. Hey, everybody. I really thought that was a Frankenstein.

Unfreeze. So I thought that was fun. And now just out of the scene for a second. Do you like that Van Helsing talks to the audience like Cuff style? That's Christian Slater's, my favorite Christian Slater movie, Cuff. He talks to the camera a little bit. A little Ferris Bueller, a little Cuff's action there. Well, when he confesses, it's so interesting because what you maybe thought as a viewer is that he killed the guy out of embarrassment.

And then he was lucky that it turned out to be a vampire. But it really was that he was trying to kill him because he thought it was lucky that it turned out to be a vampire but it really was that he was trying to kill him because he thought it was a Frankenstein. Well I think he's lying to the audience. He's an unreliable narrator. So he is embarrassed. He is embarrassed and then he kind of tries to tell the audience like hey don't

lose faith in me as a main character. I just killed an innocent civilian. I thought it was a Frankenstein. To me it's jarring that it only happens once, and it's a solid 65 pages into the script. I know, I know. Because if you remember in Cuffs, he does it a few times, and he kind of gets you used to it first. Yeah, yeah.

You want to do your own thing, but... A lot of that stuff went out in editing, when I was editing down the script. Because we started with a... I had a 175-page script, and now this is down to 82 pages. And we were just cutting it and just losing things that didn't kind of fit. But that one always worked because he did kill a civilian and I wanted to justify. I wanted to justify that. And that's a big scare moment too.

Just if we're counting scares, that's a big scare moment. Do you want to take a look at the end? The end is, I found the end actually very sad. The post-credits scene? Yes. Or do you want to just do the traditional end? Which would you prefer? Well, the post-credits scene is just fun.

I mean, but that's a tease for the next, you know, the universe. Yes, you wrote a stinger into there. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, that's a simple, that would be, you know, obviously all CGI and we get a big name actor to do it. You know, I was thinking Steve Buscemi and, you know, I think, I'll just do, let's read the post credit scene real quick.

Okay, great. Let's do that. Interior, empty room. It seems like everybody's gone. The credits begin to roll. But did you forget about me? I'm Mr. Skeleton. And I still got a kiss for everyone out there in that audience.

Pucker up. Oh, that's the big scare. That's the big scare. Oh, what a scary idea. Yeah, so the audience is getting the Skellington's kiss. And they leave not knowing what it has affected them with. Well, they do know because he does go on to say, now that I've kissed you, you might be possessed,

you might have the murderous instinct, or you might be on your deathbed. Either way, you've been kissed by the Skellington. And then a hashtag, Skellington's kiss. And that's to get people to- No, it says Kish. It's right here. Yeah.

That is a typo. But I do want to make sure that people leave the theater tweeting. And that was important for me to put the hashtag up there because, you know, obviously social media is all about getting the word out. Yes. And that's fun. So as far as notes yeah um i would say that this movie is funny and smart and nice and it's cool it's good and it's funny and i laughed at it and it made me think a lot it's cool yes it had some real badass moments

that I thought were cool it's fun and it is fun and there's some great stuff you did there thank you I'm not sure I get it sure

right yes sure yes sure sure and I'm not sure anyone would well

I beg to differ I think that first of all Twilight movies were very big and that was pretty much about a high school movie right and uh and i think that uh i think you know high school okay well but you said high school movies this college i know but but i'm just saying but i feel like you know people are interested in collegiate collegiate... Look. There's Tom Sawyer.

There's Huckleberry Finn. There's Van Helsing. And we've never seen Van Helsing in college. And I think the fun thing about it is that we get to see him as Van Helsing, the one that we know and we love, because we don't want to see

a pimply-faced Van Helsing. No. And I think it's an undercover movie. I mean, look, let me go through all the genres that it is. It's a college movie. Yes. It is a gross-out comedy. It is a relationship movie.

Yes. It is a undercover movie, which I think you can classify movies as that. It is a horror movie. It is a thriller movie. It is a thriller movie. It is a scary movie. And it's a true biopic. You said this was based on a true story. Yes, and it's an abortion film.

What? Well, it's an abortion film. I mean, it's a statement film. Oh, yes, it is? Oh, I forgot about that. And look, I mean... Well, we jumped out of that scene pretty quick, but I mean, it was...

Because it just went on. It was a lot of stage direction just describing what that procedure is. I'm nervous. I am nervous, though, because of Obvious Child now. That kind of took a lot of the steam with the abortion stuff.

Now I don't want to feel like... It's handled very similarly. Well, I don't want to feel like I'm copying, but I will say that I've been working on this group for a very, very, very long time. And isn't it true that you one time caught Jenny Slate going through a drawer of yours? That's true.

Well, I should actually, I would tell you, the way that she would say it is that I was in her house and she caught me going through one of her drawers. But who owns anything? Yes, well, as one eighth Native American, I very much relate to that. It's all the land. It's all, yes. The planet owns anything. Yes, well, as one-eighth-native American, I very much relate to that. It's all the land. It's all, yes.

The planet owns everything, and I just happen to be here existing with it. My one note is that Van Helsing did not end up marrying anyone, actually. Well, no, he had to go back to fighting vampires. That is something that I think people will be looking for, though, because of the title being, So It Looks Like I Married Van Helsing. I just say prepare for that. be looking for though because of the title being so it looks like i'm married in vinhelsing

so i mean i just say prepare for that well yeah so who is saying that that's the big question because he doesn't ever get married so it's someone who's crazy no no no no no no no that's that you guys are reading into well that's what i didn't get. I'm saying I didn't understand that part of it. All right. Am I reading into it too much? All right. Do we have to do this? I'm embarrassed now to even do this for you.

I'm going to do this to you right now. And this is annoying to me, but I'll do it. Hold on one second. There are two Skellington's Kisses. Yes, yes, yes. So that part. Very different ones. Hold on.

I'm going to go through this. I'm going to. You just get ready. OK. This is an ad that just popped Very different ones. Hold on. I'm going to go through this. I'm going to. You just get ready. Okay. This is an ad that just popped up. Okay. So Fury. That's a movie that's out, right?

We've actually. Well, we've complained about this exact same thing because in the poster. Because in the poster, he's relaxing. He's taking a rest. Yes. He doesn't look mad at all. He looks very like he's on a vacation. He's relaxing.

He's a good looking guy. I actually know who he is. He's got a great thing going. All right. I'm looking at most of the titles of these movies and none of them really relate to the movie. A lot of them aren't doing great. Paul, I don't know if you've read all the box office reports. What did you go to your foe to look for?

I don't know if you've been on Box Office Mojo. Movies? Movies? Look up movies. Maze Runner. Do they run a maze in that? Yes, that's almost exclusively what they do. There is one part where they do. All right.

Well, dear white people, is someone writing a letter in that? They're saying... Annabelle, is that about a character named Annabelle? Well, we talked about it already how that was a trick movie. Okay. The Judge, is that about a judge named Annabelle? Well, we talked about it already how that was a trick movie. Okay. The Judge, is that about a judge?

Is Birdman about a birdman? Is John Wick about John Wick? Oh, here's a great one. Is Weegee about Weegee? Is Gone Girl about a gone girl? Is Interstellar about some sort of interstellar travel? No. The answer is no to all of these.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know the answer, but I'll see those, and then I'll tell you maybe if they are. I love those. But he makes a good point, because the title is just a sales tool. Everything is about sales. It's about, again, comes back to what I said in the beginning, tracking.

And I hate feeling producted. Do you guys hate being producted by these movies? This feels like a great Bernie Mac bit. Was that a Bernie Mac? I thought you were doing a Bernie Mac bit. Is that a Bernie Mac bit? I think that is a Bernie Mac bit. I hate being producted.

Well, what is he going to do with it? Well, and very true. Right? Is that bad? I mean, what is he going to do? Is that offensive? Is he going to do a stand-up comedy bit anymore? No, that's not offensive.

I'm in the middle of actually trying to make Baby's Kids into a horror film. Well, that guy is, I think, alive. That guy, no. No? That guy's dead, too. Yeah, yeah. Wasn't that Bernie Mac? No, it's Robin something.

Oh, my gosh, guys. We better look up Baby's Kids as long as you've got movies typed in your phone already. You just have to add a couple letters to go movies baybase kids all right baybase kids um you're right guys you guys you guys are right it was uh robin harris robin harris you think you have everybody loves bernie right yes paul thank you so much for coming on the show and yeah great oh and we will do yours whoa hang on

something's wrong for Paul he's mad because we haven't done his yet we will Paul we will do your show we will do it we'll figure out a time to do the show thank you thank you

that's why I came here it's schedule it's a lot it's a lot thank you guys I really appreciate you guys giving me a chance to workshop this script

and like I said your notes were great and I'm not going to take them but I really appreciate you guys giving me a chance to workshop this script. And like I said, your notes were great, and I'm not going to take them, but I really appreciated hearing them. Well, we're pulling for you. It's helpful to say hear them. Yes. We're all pulling for you, and we can't wait to see if and what you do next. Well, thank you. So thanks for being here.

And everybody at home, could you like us on Facebook? Could you do me a favor? Could you rate us on iTunes? Yes. And you can talk to us on the forums. And somebody did that this week, and they got the pro version. Boy Genie. Boy Genie did it.

Boy Genie got the pro version. And so as a prize, we're going to send you a flash drive with three Hollywood shooting scripts on it, Boy Genie. And we each select what our favorite has been from this past year. And you get one Skellington's Kiss from Steve Buscemi at the end of the movie. I love it. It's for Boy Genie. I love it.

But they like when you say their name. I have to say their name, Boy Genie? Yeah, but do it in like... That's enough. Bye. Hey there, Boy Genie. Get a genie get a skeleton kiss i said bye this has been an earwolf media production executive producers jeff ulrich and scott For more information, visit Earwolf.com.