Hollywood Handbook - PFTi, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Paul F. Tompkins and Andrew Ti join The Boys to discuss if it's racist.This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon ( www.mackweldon.com  code: THEBOYS), hims ( www.forhims.com/THEBOYS ), Quip ( www.getquip.com/THEBOYS ), and Harry's ( www.harrys.com/HOLLYWOODHANDBOOK ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I am going with Pedro Martinez to Bear City. We're finally going to check out Bear City. You may remember City Made Famous on Saturday Night Live in, I want to say, 2006, 2007? Right, yes. One of my favorite sketches of all time. Let's talk a little bit about the jokes in the sketch. And there were so many.

But do you want to pick one of your favorites and then I'll say mine? Oh, man. You say one of yours first. I don't remember. I remember the vibe of the city very clearly and the theme song, of course, but not in an individual sketch as much. So you talk about one of your favorite Bear City sketches. My favorite sketches?

Yeah. Wasn't it just one sketch? No, they did them in a lot of different episodes. Yeah. Yeah. But I was saying, let's each say our favorite joke from this game. Oh, okay, yeah, go ahead. Welcome to Bear City!

And then, of course, that's the mayor. So, we went to Bear City. It is very sad what has happened to it. The tourism industry has completely dried up. Because this was like, you know, at its peak, it was something that people were really talking about.

Well, it's boom and bust. I mean, you know, when you get that big that fast, there's this whole new economy that moves in and everybody spends it like they got it. And unfortunately, that's not always sustainable. There's so many similar stories to Bear City of places created and made famous by SNL

that are now just complete wastelands. The Conehead's planet. The Conehead's entire planet. Nobody visits that planet anymore. The gym that It's Pat was trying to join. They franchised that. That became a whole chain of gyms. So we go, and they are so excited, really more to see us than we are to see that people never visit.

They're all really skinny. all really skinny. They see Pedro Martinez and they want him to live there and hopefully become a baseball bear. They want him to dress up as a bear who pitches baseballs. So they're trying to get us to stay there with them forever. And it's not realistic because Pedro has his whole own life. Nobody knows that better than you. You're best friends with him.

Yes. So we stayed for like two weeks. And then finally it was like we got it. It was so awkward the whole time. We were just like we have to get out of here. We have to go home and do the podcast. Well, I'm so happy to have you back. And I'm happy that Pedro's okay

because my understanding, right, is that he wound up having to they tried to block you from leaving the city. You were the best thing that had happened to the city in so long and you thought they were maybe going to eat you and he had to throw baseballs at all the different townspeople. He had to throw baseballs in their mouths

to fill them up, to make them not hungry anymore so they wouldn't eat us. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. It's Tyler's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. And smooth as hell, best we've ever done it. So we have guests here. Do we want to talk about that or do we want to just keep just riffing with us? Here's what I want to talk about that, or do we want to just keep riffing with us? Here's what I want to talk about.

I like having some of the old salt licks of this podcast company, nay institution, and just chop it up. Sit around the old table. Does this have our names on it? I think it might after freaking a million years. I think maybe all have our names on it? I think it might. After freaking a million years, I think maybe all of our names are on here. I think I could spot mine somewhere on here, yeah. And these guys as well.

Yeah, there is something that only the old salt licks can understand. And I remember even when we were all young bucks, just little young grains of salt first coming in. And we would feel that there was something special happening in the halls of Earwolf. And I remember that you – At the time, there was only one hall, remember? Yeah, it's true. There was only one hall, and it was a cough drop. Yeah, it's true.

There was only one hall, and it was a cough drop. But it was you and these two guests and me, and you were really the only people I could talk to about this thing that was happening to me, which I suppose is fame. The only people that got it, yes. Yeah. So we have Andrew T. What up? Here.

And his cousin, PFD. Hey. The T brothers. Let's spill some tea. Oh, perfect. That was a let's spill some tea. So much tea. I love that.

Are we doing this? We're just going to talk about the old days? Yeah, get into it. I mean, talk about the first time, the first podcast groupie experience or anything fucked up like that. Can I say that I traditionally, I like to keep my eyes front and I like to look forward. I'm not a guy who likes to look backward. I'm not sentimental. I'm not a guy who likes to look backward. I'm not sentimental. I'm not nostalgic. So you're saying when a pie-cast groupie, you're honestly telling me that when you're walking down the street and a pie-cast groupie passes you and gives you that look, you don't look backward and sort of be like, okay.

If we exchange a glance as we're side by side, that to me is the – that's the best possible world because we're both in that moment. That's the moment. Okay. That said, today I will answer any question. I will – this is it. This is a one-time offer. Yeah. Oh, about the past.

About the past. Oh. Get your licks in. Or the present or the future. I'll answer literally any question. Future questions. Yeah. Let's talk about the future shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That first record in the old play. We started right around the same time, I think. We had a real Saturday run, I feel like. That was real nice. We were kids. We had that crazy Saturday run. Yes. I feel like. That was real nice. We were kids. We had that crazy hair style. The Saturday boys.

Yeah, and no one else really knew what to do with us, I feel like. I remember a lot of people were intimidated by the Saturday boys. There were people that were jealous and there were people that were intimidated and sometimes both. And you would come in on Monday

and there was like a little bit of a smell at the studio. Oh, yeah. And people would be like, I'm what the Saturday boys had been up to. It smells like Saturday in here, we used to say. Yes, yes. And we were getting fucked up. Yeah.

You were getting wasted. You were doing drugs. Yeah. We were doing drugs. We were cooking up some stuff. Yeah. We had to. We had to, to be funny.

Methamphetamines. Yes. It's the only way to be funny. A lot of times I went into Sunday. It's a blur. Saturday would blend into the very first part of Sunday sometimes. 1245. The morning.

Can I tell the hangover story about the Saturday boys? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Yes, you can. There was a Labor Day weekend. So studio was closed Monday. I come in Tuesday. These guys are passed out in the studio from the Saturday.

Come on. Oops. You remember this, right? Or maybe you don't. I remember pieces of it. Yeah, I'll bet. I'll bet. I'll bet that you do.

Remember only pieces of this story that I just told. Your story, Paul, yeah. It's more about the discovery. Do we ever stop calling ourselves the sadder dudes? Or that just went right out? Yeah, that was really early that we were the sadder dudes. Because immediately people started calling you Saturday douches. Yeah.

Yeah. We're the saddest dudes of all. Yeah. Just sad. Yeah, saddest dudes, Saturday douches, all of that. And then, how am I feeling? Saturday dicks. Yeah.

I haven't heard that in so long. The Saturday dunce boys. Shitter day boys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just fucking assholes. Pricks. They would call us that sometimes. Yeah. Just fucking assholes. Pricks.

They would call us that sometimes. Yeah. Bad podcasters. Super dick. Unpopular. Loser jerks. And I remember being called not financially viable. Yeah.

Like a drain. In those days, that was the biggest earwolf burn. Yeah. Obviously, with the PC culture now, we don't really say that about people anymore. It's like Billy Murray calling Chevy Chase medium talent during that famous backstage fight.

Yeah. Yes, yes. And tell that story. This was years ago, Saturday on Live, and Billy was new to the show. And he was essentially replacing Chevy. And Chevy came back to host, and they got in a big fight. Chevy said mean things about Billy's skin.

And Billy, with the perfect put-down, calls Chevy a medium talent. The sweetest burn. I mean, for people, and just for our listeners, a lot of our listeners are a little younger. For people who don't know the show, this was sort of the predecessor to Weekend Live. It was like the early incarnation before Weekend Live kind of took over. Yes. the early incarnation before Weekend Live kind of took over. Yes. And Bill Murray would be, I guess, sort of like the rich Cho.

Of that era? Yes. Okay. He's a Jack. He had Jack elements, I guess, too. That's true. That's true. That was a good story.

Thank you. Do we want to get into helping Andrew? This is something we've talked about. We've waited for so long to have Andrew on the show. We're done with reminiscing about the... No, not necessarily. We're going to fold that in. We can go hand in hand. We can just do...

Here's what will be really helpful. It's just like, obviously, doing Yos is racist. Huge chore. I'm not trying to fucking You hate it. I just, it's the worst like I don't want to You have to come in every day and just do a little short episode

Yeah, the schedule's insane You're just in here just talking about one racist thing and then leaving And then finish it up Well don't spoil it. When you say you're talking about one racist thing, it makes me feel like there's really no question in the title. Then just call it, yo, this is racist.

Yo, this is racist. That got stolen by a Twitter account with a little boy on it. So that's been a thing that's a problem for me. No, I just – So there are more problems than just racism. Yeah. I just think it's important. So you admit it.

I just think it's important to point out there are a lot of problems in the world, not just racism. Come on. Yeah, there's a bunch. Let's focus. Come on. There's patent trolls. Yeah, exactly's a bunch. Let's focus. Come on. There's patent trolls. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

People want to focus on things like, oh, we got to stop doing the tomahawk chop at the Braves games. There are bigger problems. Wait, I actually, when I am kind of, ooh, where am I on this one? No, but no, I just, here's the thing. It's that sometimes like there's just

not quite the right ratio of white dudes on the show, right? Yeah. Sometimes you get a 50-50 and that feels like, you know,

almost, we're almost there. Well, I'm talking about a three to one. Yes. That's the sweet spot. The perspective,

you know? Three to one with a white engineer. Yes. That's the sweet spot. The perspective. Three to one with a white engineer. Yeah. And I'll say this. A very white dog could not be. You white boy? Like if you had to. When do you say like if like Bosh is white.

He's a beautiful blonde. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Like if he were transformed into a person, it would definitely be a white guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Majorly. Feeling that, it would definitely be a white guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Majorly.

Feeling that, Bosh? Oh, he is. He is. Yeah. So, yeah. I feel like how do we want to do this? Do we want to? Well, I know that you have this really long backlog. I do.

I got like a 60,000. Let me see. I can tell you exactly right now how long it is. No, I can't. I can do it if I was on my computer. It's like 60-something thousand of... Most of it's you know, the true garbage. It's the shit that we're not trying to do. But you know, I got it all

written down. What's an example of real garbage? Well, let's see. This one guy just calls me a cock a couple times. So more of a statement than a question. It doesn't say that at the top, but yeah, it feels like that's where that's at. But yo, is that racist?

Being a cock? Yeah. No, it's cool. Yeah, I think so. It's very cool. It's the coolest. It's very cool. Right now, especially, it's having a real moment being a cuck.

Yes. Thanks for calling me the only bird that knows what time it is. I think he was saying cuck. Yeah. Okay. And what's cuck based on? You don't think a nightingale knows what time it is? It has a general idea.

Right, but not as specific as the cuck. Come on. It's not going to tell you the hour on the hour. Right. It's going to go, either it's going to go, it's night, or it's not going to say anything. Is that what nightingales do? Is it night? I mean, a rooster knows what time it is once a day.

Yeah. It's time to get your ass up from the farm. Wake up time. It's time to get your ass up. Wake up time. From the farm. Yeah. It's the wake up call. You asked for this. Time to come friggin' brush me.

Hey, wake up and brush me. Get up. I've been rolling around in the friggin' hay all night. Why these don't make that much sense? Well, let's just play some. Like, you know, let's play some. Yeah, let's just play some of the voicemails. And we'll just kind of, we'll just tackle them one by one. And we'll just, you know, we'll just see how many we get there.

I think we can do all of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Sam, do you have them ready to play? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Here we go. What do you mean, go ahead? I don't know where that came from.

Sorry. Hey, Andrew. I just had a question about racism. I was wondering if it is racist for a Latino man to dress up as Fat Bastard for Halloween. Oh, man. That's a great question. That's a great question. That's a great question. So normally with stuff like this, you know, I like to have a lot of – to bring in people of the – what is Fat Bastard?

Like a Scottish person? Fat Bastard I believe is Scottish. I believe he's Scottish. I'll have to, yeah, consult. He might have some other lineage, but I think there is some Scottish in there. You'll have to consult Austinpedia. The wiki. The wikia.

The Austinpedia. That's right. It's a wikia. It's fan powered. Austin.wikia.org. That's right. Yeah. Randy.wikia?

Do I make you Randy? Is that what he says? No, he says Randy. No, he says Randy after Horny. I believe on the airplane. He doesn't say Randy as much as... When he's flopping around on his bed that is produced by

a switch. Circle bed. Circle bed. Is that the circle bed? The circle bed that kind of spins around. He does not say Randy as much as the character Randy. Yes. Oh, sure. From whatever movie that was. Interesting.

Yeah. Well, from the Randy movie, we hope. Fingers crossed. Yeah, what happened? What's holding up the Randy movie? We have been wondering. That's a frequent conversation on this show. Where is the Randy movie?

I mean, even before you know. What was the holdup of the Randy movie? It could have been a good strategy to say it was Randy. Oh. This is Hollywood crisis PR. Right? This is amazing. Just Randy.

That's the Randy. That was role research. Him too. No way. Time's up for him. That's it. Got it. And then, yeah, you just throw Randy under the bus.

Yeah. So that's an for him. That's it. Got it. And then, yeah, you just throw Randy under the bus. Yeah. So that's an interesting question. Is it racist for a Latino man to dress as Fat Bastard for Halloween? Okay, interesting. Huh? Well, definitely. That's ours. You can't have that.

Yeah. Because you're Scottish, right? Well, no, but I'm so close. Yeah. I'm so close to it. You are getting really close. Who's the most Scottish in here, do you think? Just like sizing it up.

Yeah, let's do a quick. Sam definitely is more like a Germanic. Wait, I'm sorry. Who's the most Scottish in here and why? I think that's the important thing too. Why do y'all think you might be Scottish? Or me. Explain why you think you might be the most Scottish.

Yeah. Well, I know Hayes is a big fan of Paul Haggis. That's good. But do you know what brand of tape I use exclusively? Okay. Duct tape. Made by? Made by?

3M, baby. Which is Ewan McGregor. 3M baby Ewan McGregor Sean is wearing a plaid shirt that's true the tartan what is the tartan? engineer Sam has told me that he's a Highlander

oh yeah Sam is you're the one now? a Highlander the main thing was that there was only one. Well, no, there can be only one, which is why they're all killing each other. Got it. Okay.

Are they all called Highlanders? No. He was just the Highlander. The Highlander, but there are others of the same... He was the current Highlander. Right. The highest landest. Isn't it an honorific president where they have to call you the Highlander

even after you're no longer the Highlander? Let's think about it like you can do four years. There are term limits for the Highlander? I thought he was immortal, no? You're immortal, but you can only do two terms. Oh, you're only the Highlander for a maximum eight years. But then afterwards, they still call you Mr. Highlander or whatever, but you're not the Highlander.

Yeah, Toyota Highlander has confused this a lot because a lot of people are trying to chop the head off that car. Yeah. And you know what? Those cars break down. They are not immortal. Oh, yeah. Well, and really in some ways neither is a Highlander because if you chop their head off, they do die. That's right.

Which is not something an immortal would do. Did you guys want another voicemail? Sure. Okay, go ahead. Well, I'm curious about your Highlander strategy. Seems to be kind of like laying low. They can't cut your head off. Just kind of staying out of the blade.

I crawl. I'll stay as low as possible. I've seen you. Thank you. I've seen you. You have a motorcycle. I see you, Sam. We see you I've seen you You have a motorcycle I see you Sam We see you

We love you You have a motorcycle Which you would think Oh that's easy to get Go up alongside it But you'll lie down Next to the motorcycle In a side car

And just sort of Steer it with your foot Do you guys remember At the old studio There was a Saturday session Where I was very hungover And forgot to come to work So I lied and said

My motorcycle had been hit Yeah I remember that That was your first session That was my first one It was with Ben Schwartz You were about 45 minutes late where I was very hungover and forgot to come to work, so I lied and said my motorcycle had been hit. Yeah, I remember that. That was your first session. That was my first one. It was with Ben Schwartz. You were about 45 minutes late, and we were locked out in the hallway. A huge episode for us.

I just sold that motorcycle a couple days ago. Oh, congratulations. It runs great. I agree. Did you tell the person the lie when you sold it to them? I sold it to Ben Schwartz. And it runs great? Because you just a couple weeks ago told us it was broke down as well.

Mm-hmm. Runs great. Are you saying Ben Schwartz now has a motorcycle? I don't know if he still has it. It's his now. He might have flipped it. He can do whatever, yeah. Ben's been flipping motorcycles.

Yeah. He'll gut them and then just sort of modernize, put all new electrical work in, and then he will sell them for twice as much. Go ahead. He puts Bluetooth in all of them, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's a good impression of a bike.

A pill, right? The Beats pill right in front, just blasting music at your face. A pill. You guys are, we got it. We all got it. And then he makes the engine look like BB-8. You know, I was rolling around. The wheel has a BB-8 shape.

Yeah, you buy a BB-8 motor. Yeah, you buy a BB-8 motorcycle from BB-8. He, of course, is doing the voice. That's right. Well, he sits in the sidecar with you when you buy the motorcycle and will BB-8 it for you. It's expensive, but it's worth it. It's so fun. It is fun. Get a lot of chicks on that hog.

You know what I'm saying, guys? No, Sam, you seem to be in a rush. You would like us to do another voicemail? Go ahead Hey Andrew Hey And guest I wanted to say that

I had a question about If something is racist That I wanted to ask you And I'm using the number that you provided On the show Do you always talking to them as a voicemail. I do actually sometimes.

Basically my question is this. Gotta give them. If I'm white, right, and I want to, if I want to go to a Tyler Perry movie and then I want to like stay by the door

when the movie is over and ask everyone you know would you have enjoyed that movie if it was an all white cast? Like just I'm not being rude about it I'm just

and I don't I'm not trying to you know be confrontational I'm just genuinely curious. And once the lights go down in the theater, I do put on the uniform of the movie theater. And so it seems like I'm an official. I think we got the gist, right, guys?

I feel like we got it. Was there a lot more? That one was a lot longer. Yeah, sometimes they're a little long. Okay, do you want to just pot? It's still been playing. Do you want to just pot it up? Yeah, yeah, let's bring it back up.

Let's just finish the run. There's no way that you can tell me that what I'm doing is racist because I'm just asking questions, and I'm just asking the same question of everybody. They don't have to answer it. All right. I think we got it. I think we got it.

Caller, thank you so much of course like I love all the listeners equally and all the callers especially starting a market research firm yeah right that's just market research it's a yeah yeah you know although we didn't hear what he does

with the answers oh I'm sure something fine as long as it's for Yeah. You know? Although we didn't hear what he does with the answers. Oh, I'm sure something's fine. As long as it's for financial gain, it's okay. That's the important thing. As long as he's selling the information that he gets. Did he say that he was selling the information? No, but he's saying as long as he's using it to start as part of real market research. If that is what he is doing, then it's fine.

Then it is not racist as long as it is compensated. So that's the trick for you as a racist, right? Obviously the caller is like, it's hard to get it all in on a voicemail. So what you really want to do is figure out how the callers are making that money as quickly as possible. And the more money it is, the less racist it is.

Well, because is it racist to have a side hustle? I don't think so. No, dog. What's less racist than capitalism? Oh, please. Anything? Yeah, I know. It just rewards people who are good.

Meritocracy, it's colorblind. It rewards people who are good. Yes. The only color is green. That's right. That's right. I wonder what movie it was that he was talking about. Probably not Nobody's Fool, which is about to come out.

Depends on when the voicemail came in. Sounds like to me I can do bad all by myself. Yeah, some of these go do... Here's the thing with the voicemail box is we get very tired just going through it. And a lot of times, instead of just doing what I want to do, which is just deleting people's deep fears and questions and never even thinking about them, is I'll just let them sit in the mailbox for like, I don't know, four. There we go. We got some. They're trapped in there.

They can't go anywhere. Well, while I have their souls. Yeah, exactly. I can't. What are you going to do? Flush them? No. Yeah. while I have their souls, yeah, exactly. I can't. What are you going to do? Flush them? No. Yeah.

Can I ask a question? And this is a little off topic maybe, but in Ghostbusters, when the ghosts go into the box, they trapped them in the box.

I hate to interrupt you. This is not off topic at all. Okay, good. I'm glad. I'm glad. This is absolutely what we wanted to discuss.

What? Like what? The box is so small, and the ghosts are always bigger than the box. Huge. Always. And they're clearly like alive in there because often the box is kind of jumping around. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they get released later. Yeah. This is the original Ghostbusters because the EPA guy, the worst villains I can think of. Oh, yeah. They make sure. Billy Atherton. That's the only Ghostbusters I recognize, though. Me and Billy got a place in La Jolla.

It's beautiful there. This was 1970. And we just sat and watched his scenes from Ghostbusters. Just his scenes? Just his scenes. And this was in the 70s? Yeah, in the 70s. Before the movie was made?

Well before, because he was nervous. He thought, am I making this EPA scene bad enough? Is this the original? These environmental cucks. The original Dan Aykroyd script that was, I think, 300 pages long? Yeah. And much more of him getting blown by that one ghost. And his eyes crossed for much longer.

Well, they crossed, they uncrossed, they rolled back into his head, they came all the way back around. A lot of stuff we just didn't have technology for at the time. It was a brilliant scene on the page. Yeah, yeah. But we could not make it look like that. But, you know, at any rate, we got distracted. Wound up just going on down to a cove and spearfishing for octopi.

Sure. Time. You like how smart they are. Yeah, what's tasty to me is their brains. Yeah. That to me is the most dangerous game is hunting octopi because they are so smart. That a lot of people, you think you're a big man if you can take down an elephant or something or whatever. It does feel awesome.

I mean, you get hard to rock. Of course it feels great. To see an elephant, the largest land mammal, and say, I'm going to kill it. Yeah. It's a great feeling. It's a. Yeah. It's a great feeling. It's a great idea. Yeah. It's a great feeling.

Yeah. Powerful. But an octopus, because it's definitely smarter than you. Yeah. A thousand percent. It's definitely smarter than you. It can escape from anything from inside a closed jar. I can't do that.

I can't either. You closed me in a jar. That's a wrap. I'm F. That's a wrap. And I have tried You close me in a jar, that's a wrap. And I have tried. Do you know that escape room that's a big jar? Big jar. Yeah, big jar downtown. Big jar downtown is the hardest escape room no one has escaped from. There are no clues, really.

There's no clues. Is that the Jar Jar Binks one? Yeah. Yes. Is that what you looked up from your phone to say? I didn't look up. I'm still looking at my phone. Touché.

Ask and answer. You burnt. You burnt. He got me. He fucking got me. I hate to see that happen. So, what is the Big Jar Jar Binks downtown? Is that racist?

The Big Jar Jar Binks downtown? Is that racist? The Big Jar Jar Binks downtown? Just the whole thing. The ghosts being too big for the box. Yes. Oh, of course. Did you even get to your initial question? The band Jar, what are they doing in there? Oh, yeah.

So is it scary? Are ghosts, because they're scary, are they scared when they're in the box? They spend all their time being scary, but then they're trapped in this tiny little place. They are screaming a lot. Are they smushed or are they somehow shrunk down to proportionate size? I think I can answer this because it goes back to something that my therapist always says, which is scared people scare people. And that sometimes the people who are really trying to scare you the worst are the ones who are the most scared themselves. Good message for some of these kids on Halloween who are coming up to your house in these scary masks.

Freaky stuff. Might be helpful for them to know that scared people scare people. Yeah. This works across the board happy people make people happy sad people make people sad

horny people make people horny oh my god Austin Powers Randy yeah Austin Powers it worked that's right

it worked pretty much every time I remember he got what he wanted I was going out of my mind watching that movie when is he gonna get from the horn

how many yeah how many babies do you think were born after the release of Austin Powers? Wow. Right? Yeah, a lot. I would love to see the stats on that. That explains my generation.

You know what I'm saying? Yes. It's like how the baby boom. You were born the year that Austin Powers came out. Nine months. We are the same age, and you remember how crowded the school oh yeah yeah yeah yeah just like 60 students just for that one grade yeah and just everyone named like um yeah basil danger vagina vagina vagina vagina fuck Sorry Danger was their middle name

Yeah Yeah Yeah Basil of course Alotta Yeah Swedish Penis a larger pump Yeah

Scott And Randy That is where Randy came from also Yeah Randy as well And I think some kids were just named Horny right Yes Yes We had two Hornies kids were just named Horny, right? Yes. Yeah.

Yes. We had two Hornys in my school, like Horny Wong and then Horny, we just called him White Horny. Horny Davidson, obviously. Is that racist? I remember my homeboy odd job. Yeah. Random task.

Random task. Random task. Yeah. And the mole. Well. Yep. Do we want to do another voice task. Yeah. And the mole. Well. Yep. Do we want to do another voicemail? Yeah, I was going to ask if we could do another voicemail.

Hang on. Go ahead. Let's pull it up. Yeah, let me pull it up. Okay. Scrolling. All right, here we go. Hi, Andrew.

This is Engineer Devin. Some of you guys call me Chef Devin. I'm Bafflegaffs on Twitter if you want to. Anyway, wondering if it is racist, and I really don't think it is, that I

have not seen the movie Crazy Rotations or even the trailer for Crazy Rotations, even though Hayes and Sean, who are not my boss, by the way, even though they act like they're my boss, have been asking me to at least watch the trailer so we could talk about it on the show for about a month now. And I've been putting my foot down about how I'm not willing to do it. And I am from Minnesota. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Well, whoever that was, it's good to hear. Just good to hear from someone interested in the community. I call Crazy Rich Asians fans the community. Okay. Is that their official fan designation? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So we, I'm a community member.

Yeah, that's just our little fun-like name. You know, I feel like it just captures what it's like to be part of the community. You know what I'm saying? Oh, wow, that's really painting a picture for me. Yeah, dog. So if someone is, and interesting, like someone that you work in the same office with, if that is the case. Hypothetically. Yeah.

Of course. And we want to make these general. Yes, of course. Not seeing Crazy Rich Asians as an act of violence. Should that be something that you can go to jail for? Of course. And obviously, like, you know, we don't want to take – you understand that free speech is on some level important, right? Of course.

I guess, yeah. We all kind of agree on it. I'll hear you out. But I just think certain civic duties are more important than ideas of liberty or being able to not see Crazy Rich Asians or even the trailer for Crazy Rich Asians. Did you guys catch Mara last night? Never miss it. Never miss it. Yeah, he was doing something sort of similar, right?

He was talking about, but this was like rounding people up. Was it a new rule? Oh, that's what that is. Was it a new rule or was it like when he does his speech at the end? What's the difference? Well, the new rules are short. Yeah, I am. Here's what happens.

Yeah. He does the new rules, and this is at the end of the show, and ostensibly the panel could have left and gone home. But they stay there. They have to stay there. You have to. And they do the new rules, and then they know that they're on camera, so they have to be ready to react to the new rules.

And then there's, he does, like, the last new rule transitions, and you can tell, like, the lighting is different. Like, everything changes. Like, there's just, like, a hush that falls over. You're entering hell. Well. That's the effect that's created. Exactly. Yeah. Entering hell. That's the effect that's created.

Exactly. Yeah. The earth falls away. And then you realize, oh, my God, I'm not in the place that I thought I was in. Or have I been here all along? That's right. I'm in hell. Yes, he's revealing himself. Like you touch the mirror, but it's liquid, and then there's fire on the other side.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the moment when you realize that Al Pacino was the devil all along. Yeah, that moment when. Yeah. Al Pacino was the devil all along, guys. No. We get it.

So he does a speech that's like, you know, I don't know how he does it, but everyone is like, take that, Atticus Finch. You know what I mean? He just – I've been laughing and learning for an hour. Yeah, yeah. For 58 minutes. Yeah. And then in the last two minutes, I'm just blown away.

Right. And he delivers the final word on something. Yeah. And then maybe he sneaks in a joke right before the very end where he gets serious again. And in your case, you have been laughing and learning for at least some part of your life from backstage. Oh, no, but not backstage. On stage.

On stage. Yeah. I was, again, I only like to look forward, but the first season. Oh, I'm so glad we've opened up for this episode. This is it. This is the one chance you get. That first season of Real Time back in 2003, I did a segment on the show. And even though my segment was isolated, I never interacted with Bill or the panel really at all.

I was required to sit there on stage under lights on a stool for the entirety of the program. So I would do my little section and again, no one would ever interact with me except one time I did a piece about Confederate flags and Bill felt compelled to point out that the Civil War was not just about slavery, but it was also about, there were a variety of factors. Did you not know that? Real education for you. Well, I mean, I feel like I know it now,

and I can't remember a time not knowing it, but I guess I must not have known that. You must have learned it from Bill. I must have learned it from Bill. Is it racist to be so obsessed with slavery that you think that the civil war was only about that right like was were all uh wars for states rights to own slaves right were they all about slavery just like not be able to stop thinking about slavery long enough to think that maybe

it was about some other stuff. A true fixation. Being able to sell maple syrup wherever you wanted. Yes. That was one of the reasons people went to war. And probably the primary reason if you actually were able to ask someone at the time. It's definitely, it's on the list and we don't know where it is on the list, so it could be at the very top. It's way, way up there.

I mean, I think the fact that we don't know means it's at the top. The maple syrup thing. Yeah, I agree. And it gets totally ignored now. Yeah. Except for by people like Bill Maher and other of our intellectual giants who have a platform that's very good and healthy. But I was glad that Bill took the time to do that on live television, especially given that I did not have a chance to respond at all. So he just cut in while you were doing your pre-prepared bit.

No, it was I did my bit, and then it was over. Okay. And then he sort of tagged it with, but of course, as we – Yeah. As you may not know, you know, the Civil War was fought for many reasons, not just slavery. Okay. And he turns to the panel.

And your mic has been taken away at that point. Oh, yeah. Like a guy has run in, yanked it off my jacket. And that's how I ended all of my segments. Was as soon as the camera was off me, a guy ran in and yanked my mic off. Got to take it off. Some of these new rules are starting to sound a little bit like the old rules. What do you mean?

I feel like when I hear these new rules, I go, man, if that wasn't a rule already, it always should have been. I see what you're saying. I feel like every one of Bill's new rules should be accompanied by the sound of it being chiseled into stone. Yes. And so you should be watching and saying, yeah, what's that noise? And then they sort of pull out a little bit. You see a guy. He's just like chis of pull out a little bit. You see a guy, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

He's just like chiseling it into a stone tablet. And it's one of the commandments now. Yes. Oh, Bill's new commandment. And you know what? Yes, because he should do new commandments because the commandments are religion. Boo. Get that out of there. Yes.

Get that out of there. That. Get that out of there. That's freaking ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Oh, yeah. It's ridiculous. I could use a religu-less bit of that. Right? Yeah.

Yeah. Please, less please of the religu. I don't need that. Just less of them everywhere. Yes. Please, all this. Because it has caused the most war. Oh.

And really, isn't that what the Civil War was about? If you want to talk about war, it was about religion. Yes. Every war is about religion. And it's killed more people than every disease and every Godzilla and every other monster. Every Frankenstein and everything. And it's true. Babadook?

Well, okay. I'm glad you brought it up. Okay. I'm glad you brought it up because it is the Halloween season. So let's actually get into it. Because this is an ongoing debate between Paul and I, and I don't like to look backwards either. But I remember one of the first times we nearly came to blows was over the Babadook. And he claims that we could never possibly calculate how many people the Babadook has

killed because it is so targeted. We don't know how many people are experiencing the Babadook at one time, but millions of families could be undergoing Babadook. And I want to say again, because the fallout is such that even if you are not the direct victim of a Babadook killing, if you know someone who has been, there's ripples. It's not an isolated incident. And of course it affects everyone around that person. And I think that counts.

I think that counts. Where are the books? If there's this many Babadooks, where are the books, Paul? Because we would be able to find those. You don't think that the Babadook cleans up, like covers his tracks? If it's happening on the scale that you are, I would literally be walking into people's living room and seeing the book on the coffee table and seeing their kids sort of being scared as they look through it and there's new pages they didn't know about. By the time you're there, it's too late. It's happened.

Do you know what I mean? But if it's killing more people than religion, Paul? Sean, if you are not seeing a Babadook book on people's tables, it's because the Babadook has not targeted them for Babadook murder. No one's saying the Babadook doesn't murder people.

I'm just saying that the scale you're talking about is so large. I'm saying, Sean, you gotta get out of your bubble. Get ready for a big punch. Just because you don't. How? You know what?

That's where it stopped last time. Oh, man. And thank God, thank God for your signature war cry. Get ready for a big punch. Because I was able to look at what I was doing and say, hold on a second, I don't want to fight you. And I don't like seeing myself like that. Of course not. Making a fist, which by the way, kills.

I'm watching this. I love this. And I'm seeing this topic generate more passion and controversy than any racism. Oh, well, you know what? Here's the thing. People find religious. Yo, is this Babadook? Yo, did the Babadook? You know?

Yo, did the Babadook kill upwards of four people? Yo, is this true about the Babadook? That could be the shit. I'm up for a spinoff. I'm totally up for a spinoff. I'd love to bring. Aren't you worried there might be other podcasters on the network who are going to say, what makes you the arbiter of the Babadook killing people? How do you know?

Right, right, right. Who's this guy deciding, yo, the Babadook kills this many people or that many people? Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. It's all about just bringing different perspectives to the table. I just think as a person who has had a Babadook murder in my family. Oh my god, Andrew, I'm sorry. I fucking hated them. It's great, actually. And that's a thing that nobody talks about.

Sometimes it's good. The Babadook is good. What about when the Babadook kills someone you don't like? The Babadook is kind of a Dexter type monster. Yeah. I wanted to jump back to one little thing. Paul, do you need a signature fight move?

Yeah, war cry. Yeah. Yeah. So Sean has get ready for a big punch. You seem to be kind of thwarted by get ready for a big punch. I mean. Do you need your own? That knocked me on my ass before any punch was even thrown.

This ass is going to bounce right back up. How about... I'm about to get violent! Yeah. Punch it. Okay. Punch this. That feels pretty good.

Punch it, Chewy! Yeah! Punch this. That's what that's from. That's right. That is all coming back to me now. Punch it, Chewy. Yeah. Punch this. That's what that's from. That's right. That is all coming back to me now. Punch it, Chewy. Yeah.

Punch it, Chewy. From a bar fight you had with Harrison Ford in 1973. Yes. I remember. At the time, Paul was a gum addict. He always had a full pack of gum. I always had a full. And this is before blister packs.

This is, you had to take it out, unwrap it, put it in your mouth, figure out what you're going to do with the paper. Read the little comic on it. Read the little comic. You had to ask someone, do you get this? You had to read the fortune at the bottom. You had to add in bed. That's right. You had to see what they were

selling, what you could send away and get from the gum company. Like 45 of them and you get like a little glasses, I think? I think you get a little glasses. Yeah, they would say, do you want hey, collect 45 of these comics and get little glasses. So small.

I have a game that I'd like to start playing with fortunes instead of adding in bed at the end, you just add or whatever. That's fun. Can we practice them to see what it sounds like? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does anybody have a fortune, either a Bazooka Joe fortune that's kind of funny? I'll do. Yeah. Well, because here's the thing, though. Bazooka Joe fortunes were funny. They were funny as hell. So it's like with the fortune cookie, it works because the fortune cookie is so earnest and it's trying to tell you something.

What's a Bazooka Joe fortune sound like? Bazooka Joe, God, what would they be? I mean, I can remember one of the comics, but I can't remember one of the fortunes. Yeah. Do you want to hear about the comic? Yeah, sure. I remember that I guess Joe was looking through a telescope. With his one remaining eye.

And there was a girl character, whose name escapes me, who was asking him what he's doing. Is that Bazooka, possibly? Is the girl maybe Bazooka? Bazooka Joan? Oh. Bazooka Joan. So it's Bazookaooka? Okay. Bazooka Joan. Oh. Bazooka Joan. So it's Bazooka and Joe? Yeah.

Well, I don't know this universe as well. That makes a lot more sense. Right? But Bazooka Joan, I guess, had come up and said, like, what are you doing? And he described what he was doing the same way that we all would, where he said, I'm checking out some heavenly bodies. Right. Meaning he's looking at the stars in the sky.

Yes, and she said, oh, I love that. I think I know where this is going. And he was like, oh, you do? And she was like, yeah, sure. Patrick Swayze, etc. So she was sort of a proto-Austin Powers. A little bit, yeah.

Where she had managed to twist the phrase heavenly bodies, which always means stars. That's a really horny comic. Well, and I was a young man at the time that I read it, and I do remember having sex with the gum immediately afterward. Gotta fuck that gum. It comes with these ridges that are just perfect if you have a little tiny wing.

Yeah. Because the gum is small. Yeah. Even by gum state. Small and very hard. Small and super hard. Small,

covered with chalk. And rough. There are these grooves. These grooves to it. Yeah. Dusty gum. Plenty of friction. Oh, that feels so good

with just a nice rough and they knew what they were doing when they wrote that comic yeah and that's what got you so worked up

right yeah yeah get that horn on punch it Chewy punch it Chewy you will you will soon

come into a great fortune or whatever oh damn Soon come into a great fortune. Or whatever. Oh, damn. It fucking works. It fucking works? Yeah.

Look for career opportunities on the horizon. Yeah, or whatever. Oh, dude. So good. You've got to get out of this. So good. You've got to get out of this. So good. You've got to get out of this. Okay, I'm a little scared. The first two were just kind of normal fortunes.

Yeah, what's in your cookie? Like fortune cookie fortunes. Mine says, I put one in my phone case a while ago. Let me see what it says. I just forgot that it was there. Quality counts and you've got it. Or whatever. I like my original one more.

Nope. I like the fortunes when... How did Bazooka Joe lose his eye? Did he really have an eye patch? A bazooka. It was shot out by a bazooka. Yeah, by a tiny bazooka. It was a replica bazooka.

By the small soldiers. Guys, I have a Bazooka Joe fortune that I was able to look up. Here's the fortune on the Bazooka Joe that I found. Despite popular appearances on the WB Smallville, DC fails to schedule all-star Aquaman. Yeah. So you typed in bazooka Joe fortune and that's what came up? Yes. Huh.

I'll be honest. I don't get that one. Here's the comic. One guy with a turtleneck over his face. Mort. Mort goes, I can go steady with any girl I please. Joe says, why don't you then? And Mort says, I don't please anybody.

I don't please any of them. Oh! Fucking Mort! Bye! Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort.

Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort.

Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort.

Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. Mort. More, more, more.