Hollywood Handbook - Pro Version #207: LILY SULLIVAN, OUR DIARIES FRIEND

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

Enjoy this un-paywalled Pro Version! The Boys read their diaries with LILY SULLIVAN.Watch the video of this recording for free here!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. checked out the Patreon. We have a lot of great content on there, including the pro version, the Flager Ones, Carl Calls His Cousin, Hollywood Masterclass, and a ton of the videos of all of those recordings. That's available at patreon.com slash theflagrantones. Or you can listen to the pro version on Stitcher Premium and use the promo code THEBOYS for one month free. Anyway, that's it. Stay tuned for more content throughout the month and enjoy the show. Okay. Do you want to see me do it? Yeah, show me.

Okay. Soda, soda in my cup. A sweet surprise I soon will sup. When I say the numbers three, then soda in my cup will be one, two, three. And there is soda in there now. Okay. I can't show you. Last time I tried to show you, I spilled all over. No, I know, but you didn't show you last time i tried well last time i tried to show you i spilled all over

no i know but you didn't show it here before or after like i didn't know i'll show you after well it's too late it's too late to show you before but i will show you after i i you had all the time in the world to say well let me see the cup first there you go no i i understand but orange okay just you can see just a. Yeah, I can see a little bit of it. It is orange. I never know what it's going to be. Particularly fizzy, but... But it works for any cup.

It is... It isn't that fizzy. You're right. Yeah, which fine. That, to me, is one of the primary characteristics of soda. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's really fizzy. Yeah.

Hey, whatever. yeah hey experimenting with different cups for you what so what started in the cup the cup is empty or it's a different liquid nope empty okay and so you have to be holding it in like a certain way if you're holding it upside down or decide just will shoot right out i had a buddy who could do it but he would the only thing he could change was like very expensive champagne or like one time i saw him do it with kalua but i said well you're spending more on these spirits than you're to turn you would have to on soda yeah to turn kalua into soda to me is like a really yeah that's not a come up an incantation well i guess they don't have a machine you can't put it in like a soda stream you definitely can't put kaluuya in a soda stream he said without trying it welcome to hollywood

handbook the pro version yeah it's the pro version lily's back lily it's it's normal to have lily on the pro version of course who knows who's gonna be on the pro version this is 2022 no it's true like it's so funny when you start a new year and you kind of go in thinking i know what the pro version is and then you get absolutely fucking walloped straight in the side of the dome piece by lily lily lily and i want to talk first lily about and i want to do this with everyone okay can we just can you walk me through because we did just kind of get out of the holiday seasons can you walk me through christmas morning pulling that big juicy orange out of the Christmas stocking? Yeah. Well, first of all,

all of our stockings are huge at my family's home. Even though we're all in our 30s, we get probably... Your entire family is in their 30s? Yeah, my dad and my mom. That's my kind of family and my stepmom is my stepmom's in her 20s wow but my dad and my stepmom and my regular mom they all come over your family are all elder millennials yeah they are they're in their late 30s. But me and my brothers were in our early 30s.

Wow. And you hold that over them. You old ass late 30s dinosaurs. Oh, God. Get on my young 30s level. Exactly. And you guys are elder millennials, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you know. you're about my parents age. And that's what we like.

We like trophies and we like big stockings to fit them in. Well, so anyway, we get so many gifts, even though we're all in our 30s. We get the treat. The whole room is filled because we love gifts and capitalism. And you walk downstairs you can't even move you guys you don't come down yet you have to open your gifts to make a path to get all the way to the mantle to the fireplace your 39 year old dad you wake up too early and your 39 year old dad is like, it's not ready yet.

Don't come down yet. Stay up there. If you see Santa, he will shoot you. His mouth. Which is like, that's part of the story in my house is like, you better go to sleep because if you see Santa, he shoots you with a gun. Well, my dad, this Christmas,

his mouth was just covered in little crumbs and a milk mustache oh no oh what happened he fell he fell straight into the coffee table that had the milk and cookies on it and just shattered its glass. Shattered the glass. Oh, dad. But he had glass all over his body, but he had crumbs, milk, and cookies all over his face. Crumb-ass face, old-ass 30-year-old. That's so fucking Christmas. So, yeah, go ahead. And then, yeah, our stockings are so big

that I basically just climb into mine. And I dig deep on down, and I find those oranges at the bottom. You had a whole heap of oranges this year. So your oranges are in the toe, which you can do if you have a stocking that big. We usually do it because the toe is very slender. Our stockings are skinny. They're so skinny. Long, but our stockings are skinny they're long long and but very long and but so long no no no that's think from the very top of the staircase

is the base of the stocking and wow so to get the to get the orange down there you put it in the top and you have to go outside and just kind of keep whipping it around until the orange gets kind of close to the end but the way yeah i mean I grew up, it would be in the more in the foot. The opening, the ankle opening is like you just see a big, juicy, glistening navel orange just poking out of the very top saying, Merry Christmas. Hello. I bite right into it. You know, I didn't even take time to peel it when I was little. I just start chomping away.

Choke. I didn't care. You know, the peel is good for you. Choke, get sick. Yeah. It's really good. Throw up. Yeah.

You got a barf bag right there. You're stocking, you know. Yeah. But that's really cool. I'm happy that you had such a special Christmas. And it was so special we had to take my dad to the hospital but it was good no yeah of course the millennial hospital yeah right everybody expects something just given to them nobody works for anything at the

millennial hospital yeah they just give you like avocado toast right unbelievable uh-huh you pay for coffee you pay eight dollars how about make how about make a cup of coffee and by the way drink coffee not this uh frappalata macchin moka choco lata ya ya yeah gitchy gitchy yeah yeah gitchy gitchy yeah what happened to a goddamn cup of fucking joe that's not good enough for you i don't understand why it takes so fucking long to make why does it take so long to make one stupid little cup of coffee right and i know i'm like dating myself talking like my parents right now but why when they make a why does it take nine minutes yeah how could it take nine minutes how how walk me through minute by minute what happens kevin okay first you put your order in then they apparently google

on like tiktok how to make coffee the long way right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah here let me back up step one grow the beans apparently yeah and step two ship them in from wherever country they're coming from right and step three make the coffee the long way step make the coffee the long way step step three there's supply chain issues i already did step three step three i know but i'm pushing yours to step four. Yours should be step four because step three is there's supply chain issues. There's supply chain issues.

Mr. Booty Judge, thank you very much. Right? I mean, is there not? The damn booty judge is giving me supply chain issues so that I can make long coffee. Are we ready for step four?

Do you have another one that you? I'm thinking about it. Oh, step four. Catch the beans, apparently. Go catch the beans. Okay. Oh, I got one. So mine is step five now?

Step five, grind the beans. Right? Oh, I got one. So mine is step five now. Step five, grind the beans. Right? Oh, yeah. Apparently, they're not allowed to use any of the... I've seen these mechanical grinders. In fact, I have one in my kitchen. It goes pretty fast. They must not have that here.

No, they have an old-fashioned one. I don't even remember what step we're on now. Yeah. Before I even get to go. Okay, I guess you can go. Yeah, go ahead. Which one are we even on? I think it to go. Okay, I guess you can go. Yeah, go ahead. Which one are we even on? I think it's six.

Six. Make the coffee the long way. Six. Right? And you guys, we just roasted that. Oh, and spell my name wrong. Yeah, they're tasting their own medicine for a change. They usually do that.

They usually roast. Apparently, they roasted themselves there right after I order the long way. Step eight. Serve it to a bunch of men wearing little hats. Right? Are these guys, where do they get the hats? Do they even

know they're there? They're so small. They're so small. Cropped jeans. Yeah. Millennials with their cropped jeans and their tiny little fez that they wear teeny hats i thought it was like a banksy thing i was like is he putting hats on these guys i liked it i said somebody's finally putting little hats on these guys to see how silly they are but then i realized no they're doing it themselves. Oh, yeah. It's an incredibly tiny little fez. It's so small.

I mean, it looks like it should be the cap of a toothpaste or something. It's really crazy to me, these tiny fezes. And I go, this now is a hat? Yeah. But then the sweatshirts are so big. The sweatshirts are big and have too many arms right they do because you tie one of the pair of arms around your waist apparently you actually do need that to keep the freaking thing on yeah you tie one on your waist and one around

your neck because otherwise it's going to slide right down off your shoulders. Wrap around your legs, make you fall down. It makes you look like you're at a tennis match and you're like, you know, you've got a sweatshirt around your waist at the same time as you're wearing one.

And then of course, and your Nirvana unplugged right yeah and the head hole is an arm sleeve so the only way you can even tell which way is up on these freaks is that there's a fez up there yeah that's how you know it's the head yeah i guess at least it tells me which end to speak to. You know, and thankfully, the sweatshirts they put like, you know, with sheets, they'll say like this side is like the top. They have a little tag that says this is the neck. Yes.

I need it. I need it. Because I can't find normal sweatshirts anymore. Where did those go? When I go to the store, I only see normal sweatshirts anymore. Where did those go? When I go to the store, I only see these sweatshirts we're describing with the two tie sleeves, the label for the head end, right? Yeah. The really long and big. I don't see what I think of as a sweatshirt, which is like you just put it on.

When they're hanging, they look kind of like crabs or something like that. You know, like a crab body with a bunch of arms. Oh, yes. I've been very scared by these at the store. Yeah. Very scared by them of getting pinched by one anyway walking into 2022 with this energy vince mcmahon gif and we want to talk a little about we have so little time left yeah so what's the deal you guys wanted me on the short one huh the short podcast you don't even i mean this could be the

the like i don't know kevin's plan kevin's plan for 2021 was have as many podcasters on the show as possible it was uh incredibly unambitious and somehow didn't even reach the very low standard that was set. But I like that. Like, you know, you set a New Year's resolution or whatever. It's good to make it achievable. Like, if you aim too high, you're not going to get there. So I think it was smart in a way to say, I'm going to get podcasters to do this other podcast. So that's what I am.

And the fact that you didn't is fine. No, no, no. This is a new year. This is a new year this is a new year reset i don't know pro version is where we have the real guess makes sense this is where this is where you know we need people to be here it makes no sense that we were doing we were giving it all away on the free thing and then oh by're like, oh, by the way, you pay to come back here. There's nothing. There's nothing here.

Go ahead and pay. And then when you get back here, it's like you're just hanging out with the security guards. It's like, this is the VIP section. All the stars are out there. So which one am I? I'm on the paid version. Could be. Again, it is paid yes or i

don't know i don't know what kevin's doing this year i don't know what he does well we'll ask kevin later because we only have so much time we're almost out of time we're almost out of time you get back in the vip and you're like can i leave and we're like okay you can leave in a month that you're subscribed for a month though you have to stay in you can leave in a month. You're subscribed for a month, though. You have to stay in the VIP for a month. And they're mostly like, okay, I'm going to. Yep. Wow.

I'm definitely leaving. And you go like, gosh. The VIP was just starting to get a little bit fun. And now, like, somebody kicked down the fire exit. Everyone's gone. It's great to be here. Walking into 2022. uh and i want to talk about leaving the past behind us moving forward uh taking uh the events of 2021 boo 2021 dumpster

fire yes mega dumpster fire bad, and broke the streak of good years. I was saying to myself, gosh, I'm so glad I haven't had to say boo to any of the years. And 2021 came, tapped me on the shoulder. Yes. Excuse me. Yes. RIP, good years negative 3000 to 2020

yeah to just about through 2020 which rocked I loved it but it is we should put it away and I think we should honor the past before we say goodbye to it naturally history

etc etc yes Naturally. History. Et cetera, et cetera. Yes. And so what we want to do is read a short, short please, entry from each of our diaries and just an event of this year that we want to hold space for but then relinquish to past history and share it with others so that we may release it. And so. Just a quick diary entry. And then we move forward. Okay?

Okay. I can go first. December. 21. 2021. Anxious. That was the expression on my face. When my uncle uncle told me that he was moving to another town at first i thought he was doing one of his famous very short jokes

but then the expression on his face told me he was being incredibly serious i asked him where i was going and he said something so weird I didn't even know if it was a place or if he had even answered my question or not. My first reaction was to tell him that I was moving too. Just to show him how ridiculous the entire thing was. I started putting all my things in a huge pile and knocking them over. This would be happening to him soon too, I explained. He said that I could move if I wanted, but his apartment was too small for me to do Muay Thai kickboxing in.

I also reminded him that I didn't even know where anything was there. The danger of getting lost was incredible. A few weeks later, I saw my uncle at Brandtune's grocery store. I thought you moved, I said. He told me he had decided not to and forgot to tell me. Now I understood the concept of love bombing. So that's what love bombing is. And it actually turns out that basically my entire family has been doing this to me.

They shower you with affection. And then they're like, oh, we're like going somewhere, going somewhere else. Or like, I wouldn't get you something. This is something that I'm just kind of recently being... My diary's over, by the way. Oh, okay. I didn't know. I'm actually trying to talk to you guys now. Your diary voice is

the same as your normal voice. It's actually very different. It's really not the same thing. Maybe it's your connection because to me it sounded like the diary entry and your talking. I can't wait to hear yours. I really can't wait to hear your diary voices

and how different they are. I'm happy to share mine. Okay, great. I'm happy to hear yours. I can't wait. I just said I can't wait. Let me get it out. I'm really excited.

Wow, that's really nice very skinny okay um december 25th 2021 christmas started out perfectly running down the stairs through the pile of gifts and climbing into my big stocking for all the oranges. But things took a nasty turn later in the evening when our family was playing charades. All of a sudden, I felt like I wasn't getting any attention. like I wasn't getting any attention. I decided while acting out rainbow to pretend like my arm had been dislocated from the socket. I started screaming bloody murder. My family rushed to my side, but to their surprise, they found that my arm was not dislocated, at which point I sprinted to the bathroom, flung the door closed, and locked myself in

there for the rest of the night. My family was so upset that they called the fire department to get me out. The fire department broke down the door to find me in a bathtub, fully naked, no water. It was at that point that I realized maybe I had gone too far. Maybe I didn't need to put on such a big show. After all, my mom was in tears and my little brother has to go to a serious therapy session tomorrow to deal with the trauma.

Overall, it wasn't as bad of a year as I thought it would have been. But today was not good. Hopefully, things will get better in 2022. Love always and forever, Lily.

That's the end of it. That was great. It's really nice that you sign it. You sign your diary. So nice for your diary. Well, I want my diary to know that it's me and forever, always. Love, Lily.

That story was really scary what are you talking about well there was like just like when you screamed that was well it hurt me it did hurt i thought it didn't hurt but the way you were screaming i actually thought that you had hurt yourself while you were i thought oh no is that what happened did you hurt yourself while you were reading the story from reading no no i didn't it's just that i'm an actress so i can channel the pain and for me when i thought about if somebody dislocated their arm I actually feel that like that actually I feel it how did they

determine here's what I'm curious about like it would be tough for me to know for sure visually from looking at someone that their that their arm or like their shoulder or something like definitely wasn't dislocated yeah especially if

you're like a good actress well so i think normally like your shoulder like it's like your shoulder goes away oh okay and your family knows that i guess i just haven't my family is all doctors oh wow except for me and my brother and my other brother and my stepmom and my mom and my dad. That's really sad that your 31-year-old brother has to go to really serious therapy too. He's pretty fucked up from everything. That's sad, but I just want to say you don't have to be a doctor to know that mostly your shoulder goes away. And I have seen that.

And I have no training per se, but I am naturally rather medical. Okay. Yeah. I'm just sort of naturally medical. Nobody's ever done that around me, so. Yeah. Well, I hope they don't. You won't be prepared to deal with it.

Yeah, nobody's ever done that. Well, you should come play games at my family's home sometimes. It didn't happen that time either. Is that an indication for everybody? No. It's just for Hayes. Is this because you're on the pro version?

Yeah. It is. I guess I'll read my diary. I'm a little embarrassed. You should hurry up. There's not much time left. Yeah, we're basically done. Okay. Hey, diary.

It's January 3rd, 2022. Sorry I didn't write in you at all last year. So what started out as a good day turned pretty bad, but what else is new? I was on my normal walk, taking the usual route, when all of a sudden, my eye did spy exactly what I'd been looking for. It was as if God pulled the clouds apart and sent a beam of sunshine directly on to my trophy, a stick long

enough to reach the leaf on the tree in my front yard. So I picked up the stick and went running back home. I fell once or twice on the way, but that's to be expected. When I got there, my front gate was locked, but I didn't get discouraged. Instead, I went around. When I got around and reached for the leaf, I realized the stick wasn't long enough at all. And also, one of the times I fell, it had broken in half, which at first made me excited that I had two sticks. But then I realized that both of the sticks wouldn't work either of them for what I wanted to do diary and I couldn't do it. So instead I decided to try to dig a hole big enough that I could pull the tree out of the ground and take the leaf down. As I began digging with the sticks, they broke several more times and then I poked myself in the stomach

really hard and scratched myself and it really hurt at that point i basically was all done digging with the sticks and didn't even care about the leaf anymore as i had to go inside to do an interview with the graduate student i had met at school drop-off who wanted to interview myself and mira about our relationship. She had a theory that marriages are more successful when the woman is the primary breadwinner in the household. I don't know exactly why, but that's psychology grad students anyway. We answered her questions and everything seemed to be going just fine. That's when I realized something was off about Mira. That night in bed, as we discussed our relationship, she dropped a bombshell on me. It turns out that the startup she had been dealing with in Israel,

who she was supposed to shepherd the launch of and bring them into her big tech company, well, the man who's in charge is coming over from Tel Aviv to sweep her off her feet, and they've fallen in love over various zoom sessions and now she's going to be living with him for an indeterminate amount of time I said to Mira don't do this don't do this but then I helped her pack her suitcase because I guess well I guess that's just our routine I always help her pack because she can't fold clothes

so then after that i kind of just went outside in the middle of the night and looked at the leaf again for a while and then i went to look for another stick but there's no sticks on the ground and i started to get mad at some of the dogs in the neighborhood because i think maybe they ate them anyway diary that's so far this is 2022 and thanks diary and so i'll see you later diary okay 2022 and thanks diary and so i'll see you later diary okay it was very long was it yes and also i do i couldn't help but notice that it did take place today today was the date on it yeah even though there is a the appears to have been a day to night.

Yeah, there seemed to be a bedtime. Transition. I'm on the East Coast. Okay. The sun, like, the sun is literally blinding. But can I say something? Yeah. You had a really good diary voice.

Hey! Finally, something positive. Can I say something? You did not understood the assignment. It was really long. Oh, it's really long, huh? It's really long. I gotta say, just as

the person who wrote it and then had to read it, it flew by for me. Okay. It flew. And I feel like I was thinking, gosh, I shortchanged them. This could have been even longer. Because I didn't talk at all about the praying mantis I found while I was digging or how its leg looked hurt or how I tried to pick it up with the stick.

And then I couldn't get it on the stick. Well, I don't think I did. And I couldn't get it on the stick i well i don't think i did and i couldn't get it on the stick because i think because its leg was hurt so then i had to get a leaf so that it had like a wider base and then i moved it to the front of the garden and i think it's doing pretty well i haven't checked okay okay that was today as well oh my god that's yes everything was today okay okay just seems like a pretty long day yeah i guess i just didn't like interrogate anyone about their diary entries and like that actually might have been nice for anyone to say anything

about my story at all i couldn't i honestly think it's still going i can't tell when you're doing your diary and when you're talking. I seriously don't even remember a word of yours. You don't remember a single word? I don't remember a word. Okay. But mine was very memorable. I don't think anyone would forget mine.

Lily's I remember all of. And I also am curious, is anyone concerned about the status i was so long years in tel aviv with the head of the startup that her company's absorbing my i honestly forget mine too it happened like a thousand years ago basically the chance was so long what was yours well here yours isn't true my uncle announced to me with no warning whatsoever that he was moving to another town and then I saw him at Brandtune's grocery store.

It's too sunny for that to have happened. Do you think your uncle's a liar or do you think that he's a cheater? No, I actually think he genuinely changed his mind. Really? Because of what you said? Was it because of what I said?

Might have been because when I piled everything up. Did you go? And I knocked it down. He's like, I certainly don't want that to happen to me. Did you go, was it something I said? Who is that? Okay, whose diary voice is this? Did you go, was some of your diary now

yeah fast now so fast it's December 28th 2021 wow these all just happened I'm so glad to be done student teaching my class honestly sucked yesterday i the lesson was about shock and i brought in my christmas present where you can monitor your brain waves when you look at different things the lesson was about what shock

anyway i said put up the the most gnarly youtube video you guys can find and i'll show you we can watch my brainwave reactions uh they put in youtube uh world's most horrifying car crashes little did i know jerry unplugged my machine they all started laughing as all these horrifying car crashes happened and my brainwaves were dead flat they kept saying this bum ass teacher his brain waves are dead this sucks and then i was trying to defend myself and say i think there's something wrong with the machine little did i know jerry took my lunch out and said why do you have pudding and applesauce just bring one also what else did you bring?

Why is it just these two? And I tried to say, I like the different textures in my mouth. And they all laughed. And the class is over now. Oh, sorry. Love you mean it. Love you mean it?

Yeah, I mean it. Is that a reference to Whitney Cummingsings talk show i don't know did she say that yeah she called it that oh she said that when she was saying what the name was yeah she said it every time someone asked what's the name of your show well she's got a new subscriber fuck you're gonna subscribe to her cancelled show I guess that's what people do with me that's what this show is right yeah that's true

I don't know why I acted like that was weird that's what everyone who's listening this is doing goodbye Hollywood Hamburg that was a hate gum podcast