Hollywood Handbook - Ron Funches, Our Introductory Friend

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

The Boys help RON FUNCHES host an Intro to Hollywood Handbook episode.This episode is sponsored by Audible ( www.audible.com/THEBOYS  or text THEBOYS to 500-500), Quip ( www.getquip.com/THEBOYS ), and Honey ( www.joinhoney.com/theboys ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. but I'm saying, you know, like we're all on the same page. But I'm with Johnny Damon and Mo Vaughn. And we're playing the Game of Thrones. Okay. The running part. Yes. And when you play the Game of Thrones, you run until you stop. That is the whole thing? My understanding of it,

and I have not... I don't have HBO. Yeah. So my understanding of it in general is that it is essentially race. Have you seen... Ron? Sorry.

Ron, sorry about this. Sorry while you were taking a sip and maybe you thought it was a little short time. No, it's fine. Do you have HBO? I do have HBO. How is it?

It's fun to have. i don't use it often mostly just to watch barry or like old episodes of real sex okay yeah and they've got them all archived on there yeah they do yeah any favorites um i like the one where they just show nudist colonies and what they're like that one yeah yep and then i think there was one when they go to a players convention that was fun but just in general i like the ends of it when they're like. Oh, that one, yeah. And then I think there was one when they go to a players convention. That was fun. But just in general, I like the ends of it

when they're talking to the people and just doing on the street interviews about sex. That was my favorite part of the Real Sex series. It's nice to see people talk in a frank, honest way about sex, which just, you know, it's happening. It is. Like it or not. Vulture? I like it. Who doesn't like it? Who is the or not?

Well, you heard of this freaking... You don't have to like every kind of it, too. Yeah. Not all of it. Why not? You don't have to like it for yourself. Well, it's okay for other people. Every kind? Yeah. I'm just saying.

You do have to like most of it. Yeah, you should. Please. This is a sex positive show. We've decided to go sex positive. The show started sex negative. Well, let's get into, I mean, what we're here to do. We started with a purely sex negative angle.

Can we stay on the HBO thing for a second? Yeah. Vulture came out with a list today of the best, 72 best, all the HBO shows, 72, all of them ranked. Ah. And would you believe that you are speaking to someone who worked on number 54? Wow.

One spot behind Crashing? I stan. We must stan spot behind Crashing. I stan. We must stan him. Look at this. We're in the presence of someone who made the top 55. 18 shows. Worse. On a prestige network.

On a network that's pretty choosy about what they even make. Can we agree on that, Ron? Steve Baker ain't exactly just rubber stamping everything that comes across his desk. You got to kind of sell this guy. Little razzle dazzle. What show? Divorce. Oh, okay.

So if I'm feeling a little froggy today, it might be because I'm sort of feeling my oats you got an extra spring in your step for being number 54 you were a big part of that the voice of that show and I could hear you in it I would often hear you in their friends the main character's friends

so anyway go ahead with the idea oh so the idea is obviously the show started as a sex-negative screed. And we've transitioned into just having no form. We realized that was bad. We're going sex-positive, but that's not quite enough because a lot of people beat us to the punch on that. And what Earwolf wants, most people, most people. There's not a lot of territory left. because a lot of people beat us to the punch on that. And what Earwolf wants, most people. There's not a lot of territory left. But a lot of podcasts.

And Conan, frankly, is eating our lunch in that regard. Yeah. But podcast-wise, Earwolf is putting a lot of pressure on us to do sort of an intro show. We've been told our show is very difficult to get into. That people don't like it when they listen, and that maybe there would be a primer of sorts that we could walk people to, you know. This is Kevin's idea. Well, I've only been here a couple minutes.

Why are you shaking your head? Well, this is your idea. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. Yeah, it was. I just kind of want to be behind the scenes though you guys are doing great okay yeah yeah well don't shake your head then well i saw you slowly turning yours toward me and i knew what was about to happen well yeah why why did you want to do this and why was this your favorite idea to have well i think it's a good idea uh as a way

to get new listeners to kind of show take a step back and see like aren't we all just friends here shut up for a second thank you so i because i'm one of i'm one of the rare people who would rather talk to ron than kevin right now i agree and we when when I brought up Ron... He's got such a good voice. His voice is not the issue. It's the content of what he says. If you're around him long enough, he'll make you uncomfortable. I get that. But we

brought up the idea of doing Linga Primer and you said, I've only been here for a couple minutes. So who better? Right? Yeah. With a child's mind to introduce other new listeners to this show so this can be you can kind of host and this can be the first episode people need like an entry point can we pin this to the feed is that possible you pin it to the top I think so

can this be a feeded pin I'll ask if we can pin it I don't know how pinning works but I'll reach out and this one can be pinned so we'll pin this one Ron and what this will be is sort of our pinned episode when you first pull up the page

that people see Ron is being so respectful with the way he is pouring. Can I just say? He just, and you would never know but he just poured a whole glass. And this is aimed at me. I'm sort of a sloppy loud pourer.

And he has a loud straw. Yeah. It's basically Splash Mountain in here when I get thirsty. I'm slopping and pouring everywhere, and I do it right next to the mic. Yeah, I get that. So, thank you. So, he's also being respectful of my choice to ruin the show.

It's your show. Thank you. This is what, tell Kevin that. We've been saying this for over a year. You did a Conan show? Yeah, Conan O'Brien, he's a year. You did a Conan show? Yeah. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. How did you?

Or his live show. Because I did both. Okay. Whole fucking resume. And he just high-fived at Junior Jordan. That's bad for me. Your guests have never high-fived me. When our guest has an ally.

I'm sitting all the way over here and we get up. Yes. Sean's got a computer between the two of you. You want to smash the computer? This is an expensive computer. I don't want to. He could smash it. Believe me, it will take it out of my check. That I'm certain of.

How did that happen to you? Doing the podcast? Doing the show, yeah. Well, we were on his private jet on our way to do a show. And then he said, I'm doing a podcast. Would you like to do it? He was doing it right then? On the jet?

No, but he said he was doing it then. But he asked you on the jet. What are you eating on the jet? What was I eating? Usually just a nice salad and a delicious wrap. It's not fancy. We're not trying to show off. No, yeah.

It's one of those humble private jets with just a nice salad. Yeah. That? Where was the show? I don't remember what he asked me. We just went around. It was like a whole tour. You just were flying around?

We went to Chicago. We went to Seattle. Been there, been there. Yeah. It was like a whole tour. You just were flying around? We went to Chicago. We went to Seattle. Been there, been there. Yeah. And we did shows there, too. Done those shows. Yeah, bunch of other places. And on a plane that actually fits a ton of people.

Well, could you bring your drugs? A huge one. A way bigger plane. Could we bring our drugs? We actually don't even have to bring them because they have ones there for us. And we don't have to bring our own. Okay, okay. Yeah, but I could.

I think, yeah, I believe I probably had some Nasonex and some vitamins and stuff. Hell yeah. Yeah, carry it. Yeah, I keep that thing on me. The secret for getting Nasonex on the plane is to fill your mouth with the liquid. Oh, yeah. And then you can get, at the Hudson News, a little contact lens thing. And once you get through security, you can take the Nasonex liquid and just spit it into the contact lens container.

Yeah, the issue is they'll try to trip you up by asking you questions, but I'm able to gargle speak pretty effectively. Do you want to show Ron how you do that? Oh, I mean, I guess I'd need some water. I see a glass in front of you. And Kevin obviously doesn't want to be, wants to be behind the scenes today because the water glass

is completely empty. Okay, so does somebody want to be TSA? Ron does somebody want to be TSA? Yeah, Ryan. Ryan, you want to be TSA? That was me being modest. Yeah. Okay.

You want to be TSA? Sure. Can I touch your junk? Well, wait until he's fully. No, I'm low blood. I'm sorry, sir. It's a wild one. Okay, and you did end up swallowing all of it.

Well, and that's a danger. But I put so much in to start with. Okay, so you can swallow a little of it and then have enough left to get you through at least the plane ride and just swallowing it is an incredible rush let's talk about your relationship to this show to this podcast yes okay but not intro in it well as part of it this would be a great way and just like your familiarity with the show. Yeah. Your favorite episodes. How many times you listen to it?

Yeah. Just what the show is. If you could describe it. New listener. This is Ron telling you what he loves about the show. Well, I mostly like about Hollywood Handbook. When I listen to it, it just reminds you that anybody can make a podcast. You don't really have to have a topic

or really a focus or really a plan going into it. Just get a microphone and some friends and just talk. If you just keep doing it enough, people will listen to it or they won't. Then just invite people

who are slightly more famous to come on there. And then, but like, just make sure that they are busy enough so they don't get all the information. So they just say yes. And then they show up and then they get there and they're like, why did I say yes to?

And that is, yeah, that's a pretty big, decent overview. That, that is a great start. I have a good, I have an idea. I would like to know just going forward, just to make sure, what information is it good for us to withhold for guests in the future?

Smart to withhold for just like getting people in the room? I mean, I guess I would just, I would withhold that, like you don't know what you guys are talking about. I would definitely not tell people that. Like when they get there. Perfect. Most of the thing is like, they guess is like, boom,

I'm gonna just jump into an established situation. Something that's already moving forward. Especially after six years, almost six years. Six years of doing this show. Oh, yeah. And what were you thinking of? Some personal memory that made you say, oh, no?

No, just I think I just said, oh, no. You don't have to get it if it's like a... No, I'll tell you. Too personal. you don't have to get it if it's like a no I'll tell you too personal no but you don't have to yeah it was mostly just like

oh you know it was more like an oh no of like oh my god you could keep doing something

for so long and then still not know what you're doing still feeling around yeah that seems like a lot so so okay so moving forward so that's kind of established what the show has been yeah and then moving forward is there anything you'd like to see

on the show um more jordan basically yeah yeah okay we've tried that what you tried that she has a ba in vocal performance and do you see she was just adjusting the mic with her left arm. Can you do that again? And she's showing off the music note on her forearm. My many tattoos. Nice. Yeah, thank you. Of course.

You're my favorite guest. Thank you so much. Okay, and that is a direct shot at Julie Klausner. What? And who else? Weird Al. Weird Al. She just ripped Weird Al. Weird Al. She just ripped Weird Al to shreds.

I did sound effects with Reggie Watts, too. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, Reggie's a nice guy, too. Yeah, he's very nice. Yeah, he's one of my gym buddies. Really? Yeah. Cool.

Yeah. That's cool. I don't have a gym buddy. What gym are we talking? What gym? Which gym? The Warner Brothers gym. Mm-hmm.

The Warner Brothers gym The Warner Brothers gym The Warner Brothers gym Inside the water tower with the Animaniacs Yeah you know you got it Yeah I'm working out in there too That sounds like an intense workout Get spotted by Wacko Yeah

He's the buffest of them all Oh yeah yeah Recently somebody compared Hayes and I to The Animaniacs, and I believe I was wacko. Who did that? Just someone online. I'm always online.

Have you been on this stuff, looking at this crazy stuff? I'm not familiar with it. Have you ever searched Ron? No, no, never. There's a lot of Rons, so I never searched Ron. Never ever do that. I've been trying to get off more internet things recently. That's just a big, my girlfriend's a big pusher in that.

She hates the internet. Oh, okay. Okay, I'm thinking there might be something on there about her that she doesn't want you to see. No, I think it's mostly that she knows that a lot of people, like sometimes people, that I could cheat on her. Oh, those people are on the internet. She's afraid you're going to carpe diem. Yeah, that's fine. And I'm like, no, I wouldn't do that.

But I get her fear. Yeah. but sure i get her i get her fear yeah when weird al was here after the show he uh asked if we would if we wanted to go to his uh greek theater show nice did you guys go well yeah well not yet we had it hasn't happened yet but then earlier this week he emailed us and he was asking if we still wanted to go in a way that seemed like it was potentially a problem. Like he's having trouble selling tickets? No, no, no. The opposite. In fact, the opposite.

That he was maybe running out of comps. That he had maybe overpromised and done too many podcasts promoting it. We're on the way out. He said, hey, you should come to the show. What do you think is the right thing to do in this situation? He emailed and was like, the comps are at a premium, but I did promise you that you guys could go if you wanted. He's like, I'm staying true to my word by sending this email.

That's what he wrote in it? Yes. Sounds like he doesn't want you to go. He's saying true to my word by sending this email. That's what he wrote in it? Yes. Sounds like he doesn't want you to go. Well, but at the same time, we want to go. We do want to go. Yeah. And he asked if we would be each other's plus ones, which realistically we probably would have been anyway.

Oh, absolutely. Well, yeah, I just met you guys and I know that. Yeah, not a whole lot going on for us in the other company department. I get it. Yeah. Well, then it sounds like you should go. Okay, good. We did say we did go.

We said please. Yeah, we should say please. We said, I mean, you can back out if you want, if it's too crazy, but we would like to go. And so, yeah. Yeah, seeing word out of the Greek has been a great, great experience. Yeah, it'll be good. Have you been to the Greek? No, I'm getting ready to go. I got tickets to go see George Clinton there.

I'm going to see George Clinton with my mom and my family. Your mom and your family. I'm going to see the rest of my family. Oh, okay. I just didn't know. I've seen him already. I've seen him, too, okay. I've seen him. I just didn't know. I've seen him already. I've seen him, too. Yeah, I've seen him.

He's great. That's why I want to see him again, because you never know. You never, ever, never know. You know some stuff. Well, you know it's not going to be, not 10 more years. You have a pretty good, oh, that. Okay. I thought you meant like you never know what he's going to do up there.

No, I mean, you never know how long he's going to be around. And that's the truth. And go and see these people because they're dying. Yeah. Come see me. Who knows when I'll die? Go see Ron. Yeah.

The guy could be dead. Anytime. You never know. I tell you what, I saw Tom Petty last year. Wake up call for me. Yeah. Don't just wait. Fun concert.

People are always waiting. Go see some stuff. People were dying in the streets. What are some of the best guests that you think we've had? Yeah, who would you say? What are your favorite episodes we've done? I mean, okay, so my favorite guests on

this show have been the ones that I looked up right before I got here. Okay. Adam Cornover. Adam Cornover. I don't know how to pronounce his name. We've been friends for years. I don't care. He couldn't know I don't know how to pronounce it. That definitely seems right.

His wife's cooler, so he knows that. His wife's cooler. Yeah. We've got dirt on him now. His wife's way cooler. So you ruined his name by pronouncing it incorrectly. And that's a little bit of a shot across the bow. It's interesting that... You do it. I don't know. He has a whole show

supposedly dedicated to the truth. Yeah. And not once has he come out with the fact that his wife is better than him he should the first thing he should have done is ruined himself ton of credibility yes yeah and then i go build himself back up yes with each episode he knows his wife's better yeah he he should should. He's great. I love it. He's one of my favorites. That's one of my favorites. My wife's a big fan of yours, Ron. Oh, cool. I hear that so often, which usually to me is like, I don't, that's them going like, I'm not.

But my wife is. No, no, no. I hear that from so many guys. So many guys are like, you're my wife's favorite. I like that. That makes me very happy. Well, she's just been to see you live, and I haven't. Okay.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I have. I haven't. I don't go to much stand-up. What I see, I'm loving it. I'm following you online. I've seen the clips.

I've seen filmed performances. I've seen you. But she's going to the theater. Yes. I've seen you a couple times, and you might remember I was maybe being very funny from the crowd. I do remember that. You remember that?

Yeah. There's like kind of maybe one guy at some of your shows that's like talking. Really helping out. Not yelling stuff out, but talking in like a normal speaking voice. Yeah. Contributing. Just throwing in. Ideas.

Yeah. Oh, as a comedian all we always appreciate that and not enough to disturb the show but enough so you can hear no disturb it a little bit oh you like that yeah just you know if you got if you see something say something okay so if there's a part i'm seeing a lot i'm coming up with so many i've got tags on tags and it's comforting to me actually to hear that you've been staying away from online. Because I have been in the DMs. And I have been sending a lot of concepts for bits. Just funny shit.

I mean, funny is funny. And I've been sending funny-ass shit in the DMs. And thinking, why am I not getting thank you'd? Why am I not getting seen this writing job? Yeah. That's what my Uber driver was saying. It's like you don't, people are always saying

you gotta go to school for like these things or you gotta get experience but like you said and like my Uber driver said yesterday, funny is funny. Just keep making content. If you're not good at comedy, just get on Snapchat. Do more. Yeah.

Do more of it. Yeah. Volume. That's what he said. He said, just keep making content. Nobody cares if it's good. Just keep making it. It's shots on goal, man.

Yeah. Because there's a familiarity that you breed where people go like, I've seen this. I've seen this guy and he sucks what i'm saying but still still i've seen six years yeah yeah six years i've been listening to this shit yeah i guess i must like it put it on a snapchat filter turn into a baby like that's hilarious people love yes being a baby yeah be a baby be an old man If you're a man, be a woman. If you're a woman, be a man. That's what comedy is in 2019. I'm working.

My new angle is that I'm writing stand-up for my baby. Yeah. I have a new baby, and I know I'm sort of a lost cause, but I can get him started some of my material. Hey, they're not giving Netflix specials to comedians. They're giving them to babies. They're giving them to returning actors, celebrities. Launched Funny or Die.

Yeah, people who are dead and reincarnated and come back. That's what we're getting them. So yeah, your baby could get one. That's the idea, yeah, is that I'm going to get the baby in there. Remember The Landlord? There's a video that launched an entire Funny or Die network. That was basically what it was. The Landlord. The Landlord was a baby. Ultimately, it or died,, that was basically what it was. The landlord was a baby.

Ultimately, it or died, but for so long, it was funny. For so long. These videos just get old. It only had two choices to go. Well, and I think that it should have been funny or die or possibly pivot to branded content. Yeah. And so that would have left them a little more leeway

to go like, we did exactly what we said we were going to do. And watch these videos, because you never know. Watch the videos. You have to watch your favorite videos. Because Landlord could be wiped tomorrow. All the way at Super Deluxe. We've all learned the lessons of Super Deluxe. As soon as Super Deluxe

comes back for the next round, make sure to watch everything that they have on there. Watch it when it goes up, because what we know is it will go away. The clock is ticking. Yeah. This could be a good opportunity. Ron's here, you know?

So to get some of the... He's not allowed on the internet. Okay. So to take some of these things off the internet, some of your ideas. Some of the comedy ideas? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, yeah. yeah okay yeah well from uh well my baby does a lot of like physical comedy where uh do you do you have like a baby carrier you ever carry your kid around in one of those have you ever done that no like in the hangover they have like the carrier he's got the baby in funny funny yeah so i saw that in vegas recently they still selling t-shirts yeah so bring up i think bring up the hangover this whole night did you see that i didn't see this like it's delay but they're selling it's really good they're they're doing a whole like hangover experience yeah i was like that's not bad for a movie that people like didn't think was funny at the time yeah Yeah, well, that, I don't know. Some people did.

Not the second nor third. No one liked those ones. The second one was a disappointment to a lot of people. But some people really thought there was something funny. Well, go back. I mean, you think that. But that's what people think.

Ace Ventura and Ace Ventura 2. But go back and try to watch Ace Ventura 2. You must be the Monopoly guy. You can't get through. Thanks for the free parking. Why would I know that if it wasn't good? Because it was always there, just like my Uber driver says. Because the content was there.

Because he was making content. Well, anyway, there's a type of baby carrier known as the ergo. There's like the Bjorn is a more famous one, but the ergo. That's a funnier name. And so, you know, they're facing your body at the beginning. Okay. And so my baby likes to do a lot of physical stuff where he talks about when you've got that ergo face. Like when you're getting carried?

Yeah. He goes, you know when your dad just went on a long walk with you and you got that ergo face. Like when you're getting hairy? Yeah, he goes, you know when Dad just went on a long walk with you and you got that ergo face? Yeah. And then he does it. It's kind of like some stand-up I remember used to do a bit about eating jujubes in the movie theater and how you get jujube face, try to pull it out. Was that Elaine from Seinfeld?

Could have been Elaine from Seinfeld. This has been an issue. Sean and I have talked about this. Elaine from Seinfeld? Could have been Elaine from Seinfeld. This has been an issue. Sean and I have talked about this. Elaine from Seinfeld is my top favorite stand-up on Seinfeld. Okay, so again, there's an issue with Sean where everyone on TV, he sort of thinks is doing stand-up for him. Well, aren't they?

Kind of. In a way, he has sort of sold me on it with points like that. Yeah. So it's similar. Hell of funny monologues. They are facing you. I'm the one who knock. I'm the one who knock-knocks. Yeah.

He's doing knock-knock. Yeah. Ultimately, that's just a very long knock-knock joke. Yeah. Knock-knock who's there? Me. I'm the one who knocks. Yeah. I'm the one who knocks. Yeah, I'm the one who knocks.

Yeah. So anyway, ergo face is a little bit, it's maybe too close to jujube face. Kind of specific, yeah. What else you got? That's most of it. Yeah, I get it. The baby's not that old. He's pretty young.

If you're going to name the special it's gonna be Ergo Face Ergo Face would be the name of the special but probably maybe can't use the name cause it is a brand

it's also he does I mean he does a bit right before where it's like you know he's like you know when

your dad's putting you in the ergo and you're thinking he's got this and there's always that one moment where you go he don't got this

yeah that's classic he's liking it and there's always that one moment where you go he don't got this yeah that's classic he's liking it I do like that because I remember that as being the dad but I never was like I got this

the whole time I was like but the baby's thinking I'm fine he's got this oh well then that baby I mean but then there is a point

where you're going like I think I'm gonna let go with this hand and try to grab the strap and you're like I hope the baby doesn't know and where you're going like, I think I'm going to let go with this hand and try to grab the strap. And you're like, I hope the baby doesn't know. And the baby's going like, he don't got this. Yeah, the baby knows.

Ultimately, he does feel insecure. And what about ergo fuck yourself, you could say? Ergo fuck yourself has been, yeah, we have shirts and everything. Oh, you got to. Yeah. We got ergo fuck yourself. You got to be ready. Yeah. Jordan, is there an issue?

Good, Jordan. There's no issue. I had one, but I think you're going to make fun of me. No, I've never made fun of anyone. Jordan, how do they treat you when I'm not here, Jordan? Jordan? Yeah. Take that back.

Okay. I kind of take it back. Could I suggest a comedy special name? Yeah, please. I think it should be Everywhere You Go Argo. Okay. No, no, no. Everywhere You Go Ergo.

No, she said Argo. Argo, Argo, Argo. That's good. You're in a safe space for pitching. Yes, this is a totally safe space. We are blue sky in this special. We really only have the one bit that we've kind of decided

Jujubee's phase has stepped on. So it has to be some variation on this. And there is an open question whether we can use Ergo at all because of the name. So Argo maybe is. Most people know of a Baby Bjorn, really. If they saw an Ergo, they'd people know of a Baby Bjorn really if they saw an Ergo they'd say that's a Baby Bjorn

but it's not that's a brand and really the Ergo is a little more adjustable and supportive I think Hollywood Handbook so what did you say on the Conan show when? when the middle part.

Is it out already? Yeah. You check it out. Conan needs a friend. Or just my podcast, Getting Better. Check it out. Getting Better. And what are you getting better at?

Everything. Wow, that's heavy. Yeah, that's what it's about. That's shaking me up. People who I respect and think that they are trying to get better at stuff. And we just kind of talk about that. Usually about career and like health stuff, but also just family life and sex and all types of things. It's just the cause and pursuit and frustrations involved in getting better.

That's what my podcast is about. Would you ever have somebody like me or a haze on a show like that? I don't think so currently. like that I don't see so think so currently not that you don't live that lifestyle I'm sure you do sure yeah

close in there yeah but not currently yeah it doesn't make sense no yeah it's cause I don't have

enough microphones yeah and that's the thing with a lot of this stuff we've been told that on a lot of these shows they're limited yeah emails that'll say like oh yeah sure oh I just checked with a lot of this stuff. We've been told that on a lot of these shows. They're limited. Emails that'll say like,

oh yeah, sure, I just checked. I didn't want to split you guys up. I only got two mics. It would be difficult. I don't want that. I would never do that to my friend. And I knew you wouldn't. And that's why I didn't want to put you in that position.

And that you honor me with that statement, and I appreciate that. Thank you. I'm getting better at a few different things. What are you getting better at? I'm eating a lot more slowly. That's good. Being more mindful when you eat. You're not gulping it. Yeah.

That's important. I got problems with that. knit yeah yeah that's important i got problems with that a lot of the time i will uh end up sitting down in like in the shower and getting kind of tired like staying in the shower too long because it is very comfortable to just kind of sit down and warm there at first with your butt just kind of flat against the shower floor are you you eating something? You can. You can if you have it in there. I'm just trying to find the level of your depression. A lot of stuff, first of all,

a lot of stuff smells like food in there. Yeah. And the soap says blue corn on it. Yeah. One thing I'm working with now is I've been really getting way better at making sure as I'm going to bed that all my airways

are clear. Yeah, that's important. And this is the eating. So you want to eat slowly, they say, but don't eat too slowly. Finish before you actually fully fall asleep. Don't just put some food in there and let your mouth

juices kind of dissolve it over the course of the night. Like a snake or how a bat eats a rat. Yes. It's a lot like how a bat eats a rat. People think of, I think breakfast in bed is mentioned as like a luxury thing a lot of the time. But when the reality is that it's 4 a.m.

and you just still have your dinner in your mouth. That is breakfast. That is breakfast in bed. I think that's how they created fourth meal. Yes. That's how they did that. Yeah. And working back through it.

That's making a lot of sense to me now. That's what they say. Jordan, what are you getting better at? I'm getting better at... To the gym. Nice. No, but when you shake your head, no, you're not doing it. No, no, I am, yeah.

So then why'd you shake your head no? Sometimes I don't know what to say on the show. Oh, okay. Jordan! I take that back. This instant. I mean, I know what to say on the show all the time. You have to drive on to the Warner Brothers gym,

and you have to use your drive-on beep card every time you go in? I mean, are you walking? Talk to the security guy? Yeah, you do have to talk to the security guy. Okay. You definitely have to talk to the security guy. Be. You definitely have to talk to the security guy. Beeping in. Yeah, I mean, you know, it depends on the security person.

Some of them, they know me. They know you already. Yeah. And it's a pretty hefty discount probably at that gym. I don't think I've paid to go there in the last couple of years. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're very, mostly because when I went there,

I was very much larger. I was 140 pounds heavier. I think they were just like, you're coming in. I was paying. Then I just not paid and nobody ever said anything. Then I just kept not paying. Is it possible that this is the set of the show Champions?

Could be. I like that. Bring it back. They had a gym. Did it get canceled yet? Yes. It is back. Technically, yeah.

That could be why they're starting to maybe think about charging you. Yeah. To use the gym. Yeah, because otherwise why keep it there, right? Yeah, it's hard to figure out network TV right now. Hey, you don't have to tell me. You agree. I mean, you set the standard that now other shows are doing, which is going live.

What other show went live? Saturday Night Live. Saturday Night Live. Yeah, they did still that. Went from sitcom, single cam, and they went live. Chicago Fire's going live next season. As they should. How else will you

deal with the fires in real time? There's an immediacy to fire. Yeah, you need to be live. You see on TV you're like,

this happened before? Okay, I think I know this is eventually going to go out. I feel like I know what happens.

Yeah. You gotta know it's live. You don't know what's going to happen with the fire. Grease live.

Yeah. They went live. Yeah, slipping all over the fire. Grease live. Yeah. Yeah. They went live. Yeah, slipping all over the place. Jesus Christ Superstar. Billions. Billions went live. Yeah. Yeah, billions live now.

Yeah, and you guys didn't think. I never thought about it like this. Chernobyl's live. Trailblazer. Trailblazer. Yeah, yeah. Maybe you could help us be getting better at the podcast

well from that sentence probably we were all looking around like what the fuck you got notes on the sentence structure I'm all ears I'd love to hear a better way to say that you know what you were precise no wasted words

we gotta fill a whole show what's the network that you're doing that you're on I don't think I'm on any network currently so you think we should burn this bridge? Sure. That's the issue. I agree.

Yeah, let's go. There's an anchor. Let's go. Nobody, yeah, everybody gets too concerned. Go right up to the president of any network and just go, hey, look, I'm here and I should be your major star. And if you don't see that, you can go fuck yourself. And that's how you get things. And ergo fuck yourself.

Yeah, ergo fuck yourself. And then hand them the USB stick with your special on it. With my baby thing. Shot at the Comedy Club website. It's a full hard drive. It doesn't fit on a USB stick. You get a full external hard drive. Well, it takes so long.

I mean, he barely makes any noises. It's a server. So to get him to form the words. Yeah. And the video quality is really, really good. It's shot on a Phantom cam. Yeah. Yeah, on those reds.

Yeah, the ones that they use for the really good NBA highlights. I love that. So it is on a server. I like that idea. And it's shot from many angles. Do you do podcasts at home? Yeah. NBA highlights. I love that. So it is on a server. I like that idea. And it's shot from many angles. Do you do podcasts at home?

Yeah. I like doing it at home so I can be at home. We do one at home too. Yeah, it's the best.

How do you get rid of the flies? And the flies aren't an issue. The issue in my one is that it gets pretty hot in my office

so by the end of the podcast people are usually all sweaty but that's so good for like really getting them to open up it is sometimes it's like an interrogation in there where I'm just trying to let their guard down sweat it out of them and they're dehydrated as hell so they're not making good choices

the best thing for a podcast is to recreate the conditions of Abu Ghraib and I have been saying this and we're not supporting or condoning anything that was done there just as we're not fully sex negative anymore but what we're saying is those conditions are conducive in a safe way

are conducive to a podcast yes and without of course the photos although Kevin would, of course, the photos. Yeah. Although Kevin would disagree. Yeah, you need the photos. Kevin is something of the Lindy England of this podcast.

Kevin, what are you getting better at? I'm taking showers at times that Sean and Hayes find appropriate. Hold on. Hold on. That's a lot of information in a little sentence. And you clear. It looks like you took a shower this morning. What type of operation are you running?

Jordan's terrified of you guys. This guy is not allowed to take showers unless you determine it's the proper time. What's going on over here? We're just supporting our friends. He's allowed to take showers whenever he wants. As long as he takes one in the morning. Because sometimes there's been an issue where Kevin will take a shower only right before he goes to sleep. And then his hair is all wet.

It's smashed. It's essentially smashing with the pillow all night and becomes something else. And then he comes in and it's a different show. You listen to it. You can tell when Kevin took a shower the night before versus when he took a shower in the morning.

It looks like he let a bug do his hair. I can tell he took a shower that morning. And also, it would be fine. There are actually ways in which kevin could disguise the fact that he didn't shower in the morning a comb i mean he has options but he's choosing not to okay i thought you guys are picking on him and i'm looking at the three of you and you like traditionally he's the most attractive i i've tried to get it well that

that is youth that is youth and youth alone would it shock you ron to know that i was once considered very beautiful a little bit but not totally i could see you that you lived on that and you let get to your head and you let yourself go yes i mean as we're talking about you know getting better in your gym memberships I don't have a free Warner Brothers gym membership in fact I just had to cancel mine forever

oh sorry I would hate being conventionally attractive and I'm so and thank you for not insulting me like that oh no worries not

would not be something I would think about when it comes to you thank you I'm like a suicide girl. Yes. Like I have sort of like a raw kind of filthy attractiveness. Yeah.

Yes. And that people enjoyed you 10 years ago. And people did like me. Yes, looking at me. I'm in an audio medium. I mean, no one's more aware of what my strengths are than me. Putting together strong sentences. Zig's in there today.

Hi, Zig. Hey, guys. Hey, Zig. Are we in trouble when he's here? No. Yeah, is Zig here to get us in trouble? No, I'm just sitting in and watching the show. Oh, thank you for coming.

Okay. When did we lose you? You've never lost me. I'm still in. Okay. That's nice. He was locked in at the beginning, and then there was a point where it kind of... Faded out.

Looking at his phone, stuff like that. Yeah, I get that. I think he's editing. This show? Yes, right now. Wow. Live edit. That's like this guy is doing on your other show.

Cut out some of the stuff where Ron's not nice to me. It's fine for us, but I don't really want other people to hear it. They might get ideas. What guests have you had before? On my show? Yeah. Oh, okay. Let me tell you some of my favorite guests.

The last guest I really liked, and usually guests are my friends so i usually know them ahead of time but i didn't know um jason ritter was my last guest and he was i never met him before and he was the first guest to bring not one but two nintendo handheld systems with him and i really like that but i think different ones no two two Nintendo DS's I don't know why but I liked it I really liked it but some of my favorite conversations have probably been with either you bet Nicole Brown

or Wendy we did Harmontown oh nice yeah she's on there all the time she's great she's great to talk to and then I had Wendy McClendon from the Goldbergs. And she's just really fun to talk to. Yeah, I'm hearing that name a lot.

Emily Gordon. I love talking to her. Yeah, I know her. Camille did this show. Yeah. Special thanks on Big Sick. Go ahead and check it out. Yeah.

Special thanks on Big Sick. Go ahead and read the credits. Yeah. Don't worry about it. Look at those credits. Look at the bottom. Don't watch the movie. Just skip to the end. Go all the way to the end

and just go check it out and see if you, see if maybe you recognize somebody and it's my name. We just have fun. Wrestler X-Pac was on there. We just have good times. My mom,

my mom was one of my guests. Okay. So we have fun. Check it out. What's she getting better at? My mom's getting better at, when we talked about it, my mom was getting better at relaxing.

My mom was used to being the one that had to take care of everybody, take care of me and my sister. And even when I got older, you know, I was still borrowing money for, like, phone bills and stuff. And she had to come in and live with me and learn to just be able to not have a job and relax and smoke weed by the pool house, which I think is a fun thing to get better at. So she was really just learning to relax and have fun in life. And I like that. Allow yourself that leisure. Yeah. Shut off that internal scolding voice.

Hey, you're supposed to be doing something else. You need to go do this job somewhere. No, you're supposed to be doing something else you need to be able to do this job somewhere no you're supposed to be doing exactly this sometimes yeah just freaking sparking the chiba

up kind buds by the pool yeah she earned it house yeah Hollywood Handbook

yeah that's a nice thing to get better at yeah fortunately I don't get better at that what I get better at is this. Fortunately, I don't get better at that.

What I get better at is this podcast. Any other ideas? Anything for me that you hope the next episode is? This is the best episode we've done. This is the best one by definition. Yeah, I could feel that just from Jordan's reaction. So is there something? It's built in. But I feel like I did the heavy lifting.

Turning Jordan against us. Yeah, that's what I do. This is what we did wrong at Harmontown. He finds weak points. And then I actually heard this happen on Undateable, too. Any place I go to, I see who's supposed to be in charge, but then I find the real leader and I talk to them. He's talking to Rick Glassman and being like,

you're not going to let this guy push you around. Wait a second. Does that mean I'm the real leader? I think you might be. Of Hollywood Handbook? People have been talking about Jordan a lot, and I don't read these message boards, but everyone has been saying,

Jordan's so fun. Jordan's background laughter makes the show. Yeah, it is the air. It's like, okay, well, why is that happening? Because I'm getting the guest to say something funny. Yes, that's right. I agree with that. I'm leaving enough space open for the guest to fill with something funny for her.

So think about that. I don't have any notes. I feel like you guys are doing your own thing. It's different. Yeah, not for you, are doing your own thing. It's different. Yeah. Not for you, but for someone. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I love honoring that. I don't listen to most podcasts. If you want me to listen to your podcast, you got to talk about wrestling from the 80s or 90s. Okay. People are doing that, though, right? Yeah, a lot of people are doing that.

People are. Yeah, yeah. And they were involved in it. Erwin R. Scheister. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. That's right R. Scheister. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. That's right.

It was IRS. Yeah. And that was okay to do, right? Yeah. Yes. We have extra mics if you want them. To borrow it for my podcast? Yeah.

In case you ever want to have two guests. Or we could bring them. I don't know if you ever want to do two guests. I'm comfortable with borrowing someone's expensive mic you can have it it's a gift Kevin let him do this just give it to him because if we get both of us on there take the mic

you don't sound serious don't do it like that's like a mean way to do it be nice it's a gift here you go thank you don't say thank you when nice. It's a gift. Here you go. Thank you. Thank you, Kevin. Don't say thank you when you're giving someone a gift, Kevin. He says thank you. See how he did it?

That is right. You don't say that. You done any historical roasts lately? No. They asked me to do one. Oh, they did. Okay. Who'd they ask you to be?

To be Martin Luther King. Okay. But I didn't want to do it. I love Jeff Ross and I like the, I like the roast that he does, but I also really like Martin Luther King a lot. So I didn't feel comfortable doing that. Yeah. I get the point of the thing, but it's like, that's just not my, that's not my jam.

Mm-hmm. Yep. To roast him. To just. Even open yourself up to being roasted. Yeah. Or it'd be one thing if I felt like I could do a good mimicking job. If I was a mimic and I could do a good job at it.

I don't think I look like Martin Luther King. Don't do any impressions? No. Here's my impression of Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Sundays on Fox. I just say the time and the place. But that gets all the information across.

Yeah. And that is something that he definitely would know. Yeah. Of anything. Only he would know. Yes. Yeah, that's where I live. Sundays on Fox.

Can you do Stewie? Yeah. Oh, oh hello i'm stewie i also am on sundays out on fox that wasn't that bad no that was that got really close thank you scary close thank you so much much. I just went for it. Seen any good movies lately? What did I see that I liked? I don't know. No, I fell asleep during... I usually fall asleep during movies. They can be so soothing.

That movie I saw was Avengers Endgame. So to me... That's a sleepy one. Yeah. always Avengers Endgame. So to me... That's a sleepy one. Yeah. The whole movie was just that Thor murdered a guy

and then... They are murdering people. Forward to the Future. They don't use that language. These are murdering people. These are my heroes. These people that have murdered millions of guys. Yeah, they murder people all the time. Yeah. They say that they like defeated someone but what

they mean is they murdered someone yeah oh here's a movie about this this guy that like smashed someone with a big hammer oh i want to go watch that that's normal to me is this a good idea hero for a podcast to take a story like that like thor murder someone, but do it from the perspective of almost you're doing like a serial podcast investigating the murder. So it's like you're doing like a journalistic NPR type voice and pretending that you're looking into

a crime, but it's really just like a famous pop culture nerd thing. But the nerdest crowd is listening. Yeah, exactly. Is that good? Is that better than this? Yes. Yeah. exactly. Is that good? Is that better than this? Yes. Yeah. I think so, too.

Yeah. Can that be our intro to the show? We could just use that? Me saying, is this a good idea? Well, I was thinking like the podcast, the serial podcast. We could kind of just say Hollywood Handbook is a serialized. And pin that? Yeah.'s pin that

you want to pin this so do you so we would do like uh is there a cereal podcast that is about cereal because that seems like you could go that way cereal the food yeah we've done a few jokes about this yeah okay nice that well is pretty dry over here. Nice. Well, I'm new here. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. No, it's not. No, I'm just saying it's good. I mean, it's good.

If we did it, it's good. No, we love it. I mean, we like it so much that we really wore it out. Yeah. All right. Not viable. So you want to do like an NPR serial type intro to like a murder show? Yeah.

And then that'll be pinned as the first episode of Hollywood Handbook? And maybe it could start with Ron doing like Peter Griffin and Stewie. Okay. Because that's pretty impressive. Thank you. But it's the only two that we ever did. It's like deceptive. Unless we could get like a couple more for like future episodes

yeah and stewie is like we can just like stewie can be like chiming in at different times yeah so maybe stewie is saying like hey guys what are you talking about and then we can just kind of react and then you can be like gotta go and. And then in future episodes. So the journalist who's investigating Thor's murder is now, he's interviewing Stewie. Or Stewie's butting in. Stewie's butting in. Yeah, because I don't think, we only have Ron for now. We can't get a specific interview piece, so we need sort of movable feasts. Yes.

So, Ron, if you want to do some wild stewie wild stewies of just like showing up and leaving just kind of like hey guys uh just like passing you know whatever hey sorry forgot my backpack i just said i know i just left but i'm coming back in and yeah oh oh excuse me it's getting really good at this is what your podcast is about I guess you got so good at it getting better in a very short amount of time okay and so then we can be like oh Stewie and so every episode we can essentially plug that Stewie is on the show. Yeah, exactly. He's in every episode. Okay.

One, like maybe one more. I don't want to like exhaust you, but just like, Oh, uh, big fan. Happy to be a part.

Oh, that's good. He likes us. That is great. Actually. Your Rupert's favorite podcast. Rupert's his brother. It's heavily implied that they are in a sexual relationship.

And it's like you never see it. You never see it. Which we're positive about. Except on some banner ads on some sites. But it's heavily implied. Yeah, definitely. You agree. I'm not crazy.

It's not just me being like. Yeah, reading into something that isn't there. Right. Because that would be, if I were the only one saying that. It's a bit of both. You want it to be there and it is there. I don't. You're creating your own reality in some ways.

So everything I see is something I want. Well, Hayes, we've talked about this before. in some ways. So everything I see is something I want. Well, Hayes, we've talked about this before. Your strongest muscle is in fact your mind. Imagination. Imagination. And

you guys clearly talk about this a lot. Oh, when he uses his imagination. We've talked about this on the show. Yeah. Yeah. That is when he's really at the gym. Some of my drawings.

He draws these monsters and stuff. Terrifying. Freak you out. Not always. I mean, sometimes they're actually kind of cute. But like, it's still like, where is this coming from? And I can like see faces and different stuff. Like a car can sometimes look like it has

a face to me and when people's grill or like other places and well the grill is mainly the grill not special mainly the grill is a mouth not special you want to but also the headlights they made a whole trilogy of movies about that premise. After he mentioned it. Since I was basically a teenager. If you want to have a crazy day, lay and look at the clouds with this

freaky fuck. He will find shit in there. Sometimes a tail. Sometimes that's what my monsters will have as well. He will find dragons and friggin' a beard. I mean,

anything. I like your friendship. Thank you. I like you guys. A friendship that you would recommend that I go lay down and look at clouds with him. It's a pretty big business component to it at this point. Kevin, you been involved in these?

Thank you. Hard to know where. There's a financial pressure on the friendship, of course. You go with the 12? No. They didn't invite you? No. I don't get invited anywhere.

Never said that she wanted to go I was never asked she never even said it sounds fun we talk about it in front of you all the time we say that we were doing that and it's never you do this podcast and then you just leave yeah it seems like as soon as the mics are off they would just

I'm always left out I was working in the hallway next to the bathroom for like 45 minutes today. Because I got here a little early and I had some emails to send. So I was working in the hallway next to the bathroom. And I was worried people would think I was there to like listen to the bathroom. You actually couldn't hear anything. That's a lie.

Guys, I gotta go pretty soon. You have to leave? Yeah, I gotta go do a you have to leave yeah I gotta go do a voiceover okay great so let's just get for trolls for trolls

doing trolls trolls yes do you do Angry Birds hmm no that'd be fun

my son would no he fell out of that he would've loved that back in the day back in the day yeah which is why are they still

making that movie? Nobody cares about Angry Birds anymore. Is there a new Angry Birds movie? There's a new one coming out. Crazy. But you can play the game from when you're watching the movie on the screen. Oh, okay. That makes sense.

But it only will do what they already are animated doing. At some point so like at some point it would be financially advantageous for you to pay us to let you leave

sure yes of course because you're gonna make a decent amount off the voiceover think about how much you would lose to not

to miss your stuff you're doing the show record yeah no it's fine I'm sure I mean that's the best part I just do that small part I just come in You're doing the show? Yeah. No, it's fine. I'm sure they, I mean, that's the best part.

I just do that small part. I just come in and do two or three lines. Takes me 20 minutes. I love it. Yeah, that's nice. It's not bad. It's not a bad way to work. Which troll? I would love to do that.

I play a troll named Cooper who is a giraffe that poops cupcakes. That doesn't sound like a troll. Cooper the Pooper. He's a troll. A giraffe is a troll? Yeah. Coop cake. Yeah, he is.

Okay. They don't all have to look the same. One will be a giraffe in a fun hat. He does wear a hat? He does wear a hat. Okay. Let's just knock out

this NPR murder mystery intro and then you as Stewie will be like, hey, I'm liking this and then we'll let you go. Okay. In the spring of 2019, deep in the heart of the city the skittering of the roaches

and the sound of the crickets was drowned out for one brief moment by a different type of animal noise the death throes of whoever somebody killed with a big freaking hammer oh this is going to be exciting.

That was Robin Williams. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's huge for us. That's a big guess for us. Very big deal. I can do impressions. I didn't know it.

And that was fun for me to see you discover that. Thank you. It's a nice show. We do a nice show. Goodbye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.