Hollywood Handbook - Ryan Gaul, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

Ku-Ku and the Clem Dawg welcome RYAN GAUL from Berjerllion into the studio to do some of their famous segments. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace (code: THEBOYS), Wargaming (code: HOLLYWOOD18), and Blue Apron.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. respectable. So beautiful, right? But she was late. No, Ming. And I'm like, you know what time, you know, know when you should come to my house.

Ming, you know when. You get it, right? And she looked at me very sternly and I kind of backed down. But I feel like... She used that single guy power on you, right? Oh my God, I thought of it more of a marvel. But you're right, it used that single guy power on you right?

oh my god I thought of it more of a marvel but you're right it is more single guy yeah when she just reaches all the way back to her single guy days and just gives you that look that she used to give Jonathan Silverhood filled with history and sexual attention she gives you the way she used to just

wither Joey Slotnick on the vine on that show. I love seeing that. I mean, I hate when it's aimed at me, but when she does it, I just go like, damn, she still got it. So anyway, she gave you the look. I'm sorry I interrupted. And then what did you do?

I mean, I lost my vigor. I was like, oh, yeah, let's forget about it and have some more queso. Kula? What? Can you do me a favor? Yeah.

Never lose your vigor with me. Can you make me a promise? Okay. And I know, look, obviously every show we start out, we each make one another a promise. Yes, thank you. Can you please promise me that you'll never lose your vigor with me? Sean, I promise to never lose my vigor with you. And is there a promise you'd like from me this week?

Yes. I want you to never flinch when it comes to giving your sass. Boy, that's tough. I know. Okay, Coolop. I promise to never flinch when it comes to giving my sass. So, welcome to Hollywood Handbook with Cuckoo and the Clem Dog. Obviously, it's episode 200-something or whatever, so you know who we are.

We're the hosts of the show. I'm the main host, and Kulop's my sidekick. I don't know if that's quite our relationship. Either way, either way. We're each other's co-hosts. I don't know if that's quite our relationship. Either way, either way. But anyway, what was the show? We're each other's co-host. Hollywood Handbook. It's an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet line industry.

Showbiz. We always sort of trail off when we do the main thing. trail off when we do the main thing. So, Cuckoo and I are here, and we have a guest who we've been wanting to have for quite a while. We finally have the gall to introduce Ryan. Hi. Hi. Hi, Ryan Gall.

Hi, Ryan. He's from Berjillion, and you guys know him from that Berjillion. Jen, Dollar Properties. And so, Ryan, thanks so much for being on the show with me and Kulop, your two hosts. Cuckoo and the Clamdog. Mm-hmm. Cuckoo and the Clamdog. That's great.

Fun. Fun to have you here. I know we've talked about it. We went back and forth a little bit with scheduling, but it finally worked out. It worked out. It took a while, actually. It took like six or seven months. Are we going?

Yeah. Yeah, we, hey, hey, P. Holmes style. We just go, baby. Episode 270 something, you know what I mean? Old half-assed. Yeah, sorry we made it weird. That's good stuff, right? Crashing on HBO. Yeah, what do you think about religion, huh?

Pretty trippy. Yeah, what do you think about religion, huh? Pretty trippy. Yeah. Are we going to wait for Hayes to get here? What? Hayes. Huh? Can we wait for Hayes to get here? Sean Hayes.

No, no. He's Sean. I get it. Sean Hayes. Yeah, Will and Grace is back. Let's talk about it. The first new episode was a little too political for me. I don't really like to wade in those waters.

No, Hayes Davenport. Hayes Davenport. Only because I am kind of a fan of this. I'm a fan of this podcast, and it's no offense. I feel uncomfortable talking to you guys. It's such an honor for us to hear that you're a fan of the podcast. We love having you. Oh, my God. That's such an honor for us to hear that you're a fan of the podcast. We love having you. Oh, my God.

It's such a- We've been doing it for a while, and you lose sight of, hey, people are listening to this thing. I know. It's like you're doing it in a vacuum. Cool. What are you doing? What are you doing? Episode 270-something.

No, you definitely are not. You don't- You host this show? Hollywood Hambo. No, you don't. Yeah, Hollywood Hambo. No. Yes, I do. Hayes Davenport is the host host this show? Hollywood Hamburger. No, you don't. Yeah, Hollywood Hamburger. No. Yes, I do.

Hayes Davenport is the host of this show. Hayes. Yeah. Right, you're like obsessed or something with this. And we like to do, obviously everybody knows, we do some pretty big conceptual weird bits on this show. And so I think you're coming in with, I'm going to have, I'm going to outdo them and prank them with this weird, talking about some person that I haven't even heard of.

You've never heard of Hayes. See, you always made strong choices on set of Brazilian. Yes. So this makes sense. And we love having more from the Brazilian family here. Obviously, Cuckoo and I just had Tawny. Tawny Newsome. That was a big episode.

It was so funny. I heard that episode. I actually was upset that she didn't call me. Well, we did call Scott, and we called Paul. Yes, we got them both on the phone, and that was so fun, and she was razzing them a little bit. I was. I know them intimately.

No, that was Hayes. That was Hayes. No, that was Hayes. That was Hayes. I'm humble enough that I may be partially wrong on this, but I know that Hayes is the host of this show, and honestly, I have no idea who you are. Shut up.

No, I'm getting to the point where I can't be polite about this anymore. You know what it is? It's an audio format. Sometimes people's voices, you can't tell them apart and you get mixed up. And maybe what happened, Ryan, is because you've always listened to the show and you've never been on the show before. Right. Okay. You got into some kind of mix-up, right, where you heard it and thought when we were saying cuckoo and the Clem dog that we were saying hazel. That was an audio mix-up that I had because I've never been on the show.

It's okay. It's okay that it was. It's okay. Hey, look. No, I'm asking. Every show, every episode, as you probably know, is we admit that we're human and that we can make mistakes. Okay. And it's, you know what?

Failure is education, right? Isn't that what you always tell me every week? I constantly will say, because let's face it, Kool-Aid fails. And I'll say, hey. But it's about me getting up. And I'll say, hey, that's not how many times you get knocked down, Kool-Aid. Yeah, yeah. And I get knocked down and I get up again, right?

Hey, that reminds me me we may want to get into the charts a little bit on our show this is something we do every week it's my favorite segment we're going into the chart zone this week we're talking about the podcast charts chart zone

chart zone you're in it now chart zone don't have a cow Bart zone Chart Zone. You're in it now. Chart Zone. Don't have a cow. Bart Zone. The Simpsons son. Let's start with number one. So number one podcast this week is Hollywood Hambu with Cuckoo and the Club Dog.

As always, it's 270 weeks running. That's right. People voted. That's you and Howard. Sean, the Clam Dog. No, we always do. It's sort of a popular segment that we do on Hollywood Ham Boo where we talk about these charts.

And so we did have all the people vote who listen. I think maybe Ryan must have had the gall to vote for us for number one. We did get it again. And so let's just talk a little bit about this great show that's been voted number one. Well, I love the hosts. I love how vulnerable they can be. Can we stop?

Stop with this. Just tell me where Hayes is. If he's not going to be here, that's fine. But we can at least speed through this a little bit because the whole purpose of me being here. I mean, just do the fucking show. Hey. Don't. Ryan.

Ryan. I'm trying to like, um. I came here out of my own time. Hey, be cool, man. Just fucking go with it. You came out here. We're doing you a favor. Why are you making a fucking fist at me?

Well, we're the number one show, okay? Okay, but don't fucking... You voted for it, so you should be happy. I actually did vote for it, but I voted for it because of Hayes. Okay, Ryan, you want me to be a man. I was your girl boss, and you want me to be a man on this podcast? No, Ryan. Time's up, Ryan. Time's up, Ryan.

Time's up. Hashtag time's up. So your version of the show would be what? That it would be three straight white men sitting in this room right now. Oh, that sounds so good. That would be really fun to listen to. Okay, so Sean goes to Harvard. I study at Second City, but I'm a man?

Like, all right, so where are we? Again. A year ago? Sean, I don't know who you are. You don't know how to say my name? Just call me the Clam Dog, baby. I don't know. I honestly, I wish we could be straight with each other.

I feel like we're not going to get there. So I'm just going to, I may just leave. You're just going to, oh, you're going to leave. You're threatening me? This is a huge opportunity for you. You would disrespect us? This is the number one show. Are you even thinking about that?

Is it the number one show? Yeah, it's huge. It's huge. We just did the charts. Don't make me do a chart again on you. Please don't make me do a chart on you. Coming in at number one. That's the same chart. If you're going to do make me do a chart on you. Coming in at number one. That's the same chart.

If you're going to do another chart, do a different chart. Do something like... Most humble host, I guess? Let me look. Your first instinct was to be the most humble guest. Most humble guest. You would go last. I got number a million.

Coming in at number million. I had the gall to be the least humble guest, Ryan. I'm Googling where Hayes is. Please. Hey. What? Please don't Google while you're on my show. I mean, it's so rude.

Please at least say something funny like I'm going to Yahoo where he is or I'm going to use Bing. Please, it's a comedy podcast. Yeah, just like. We would at least like a funny specific. Just like, I'm going to Bing it. Look, you know. I'm not going to do that.

We got an engineer who's here every week. You don't believe us? Why don't you talk to him? Yo. Hey, Cody. Yeah? Be a straight shooter, please, and just tell me where he is. He's kind of sexist.

Thank you. To want to know where he is? Not the best time to get that label, Ryan. I am anything but SXS. Really? You know that. I hire you. I'm Brazilian.

And then I invite you on my podcast, which you know is a big deal in my life. Maybe more so than Brazilian. I've done your podcast. I've done Who Charted. It's like talking to a fucking brick wall. I mean. Hey, man. We're just trying to do a show, man.

Why don't you take it easy? Oh, you know what? Maybe he's doing like some alt comics. They're like about being contrary. Maybe that's his bit. Oh, this is like, forgive me. Now I feel silly. This is Kaufman-esque.

I think you're right. Yeah, like you're vying for some sort of Andy Kaufman award. Is he a genius? Is he a scoundrel? Who's to say? No, I just like Hayes. I like Hayes, and I think you guys are feeling insecure right now because you are not a host of this, and you never have been.

What are you trying to say, man? This imaginary Hayes figure, is it that you have made some promise to yourself that you're going to become friends with the other handsome guy in the Earwolf world? What? I mean, is that what you're doing here? And then you just made up this character, this Haze guy, who I guess is in your mind looking like a snack? Shun, you never said a thing about how he looked.

I mean, that's so strange. Did you call him Shun? I never said a word about what Haze looked like, did I? In my memory, I think you were saying that you wanted to see the hot sweetie Hayes who's looking like a snack. And I was like, whoa. First of all, we're sitting

right here. He is hot. And he does look like a snack. And he's done some stuff with his career that I'd want to model my career. Hey, man, he doesn't even exist. Oh, yeah, what do you do with his career?

This guy who you're freaking talking about who doesn't even exist. Thank you, Engineer Cody. Who dat? Oh, come on. What has he done? Saints. Good job, that dog. That was really good.

What I respect about him is a lot of young writers will, you know, team up with somebody so that they can either progress or succeed as a team or fail as a team and he's done it

on his own. He has written on shows by himself. He's gone in to, like, networks pitched by himself

and he's succeeded by himself and he hasn't needed to. Oh yeah, what's his big fucking network show that's on there? seriously. The last I heard Fox shit can, the last thing that he hasn't needed to. Oh yeah, what's his big fucking network show that's on there?

Yeah, seriously. The last I heard of Fox shit can, the last thing that he had in development there. And by the way, everybody at Second City, I just want to tell you that. You're describing everyone at Second City. If he even exists, and I'm not saying he does. Neither am I. He's not like everyone at Second City.

Okay, what, does he get paid? Yeah, first of all, even if he did exist, if he was associated with an organization like Second City that completely exploits its labor, these guys worked their fingers to the bone doing improv. Yeah. Yeah, they clock in. Have you watched AG?

What's that? AG. AG. AG. On Gregory. Yeah, I watched it. I was on the ground floor. I wrote there. Yeah, he clammed on to it. You wrote for there? Yeah. Yeah, I watched it. I was on the ground floor. I wrote there.

You wrote for there? Yeah, man. Perhaps you remember the voice of Baba Tunde, the young African child who they adopted in the show. And that they had the open mind to cast me as that voice on that show. Prove it. I will. I will.

I will. Allow yourself the time to get into character. Let me get into the zone. I guess I have to get into the character zone. Yeah, yeah. I will. I will. Allow yourself the time to get into character. Let me get into the zone. I guess I have to get into the character zone. Yeah, yeah. Character zone. Here we go. Character zone.

Feel in the flow. This is not a segment. Bart zone. No. The Simpsons son. Let's all start with number one. Go do the voice. Papa. Papa.

Okay. That was good. Bro, you're right. That was good. Bro, can you do that again? Yeah, I will. But a lot of people can do different voices, so you could be just mimicking who really did it. Were you a script supervisor?

Did you put together scripts? Because I know that Hayes actually wrote. Yeah, I put together scripts. Well. From my mind. From scratch. Okay, I think it might be possible that you're conflating white guys. And I do it all the time.

Mm-hmm. No. Hey, I can admit it. Yeah, so really, Sean is the snack that you're having a tack for. No. I mean, but physically. So I'm whack? So I'm not snack, I'm whack?

You're a little whack. You're a little whack. Hey, I like this kind of humor, you know? I dish it out, I can take it, all right? We get a little edgy on the show sometimes. Look, 270 episodes in, you start to get punchy. You want to go out there. I'm not being edgy.

I want to meet Hayes because he is an idol of mine. Some of my career, I've based on his career. I was looking forward to meeting him, and I'm a little, frankly, and I'm a little pissed off that this is happening. I feel like I'm in some sort of twilight. Ryan, no one knows what the fuck you're talking about, man. Did you hit your head? No.

Jesus Christ. Hey, let's just get to the fucking popcorn gallery, huh? I mean, come on. The famous segment that Gulap and I do on the show

is her idea. Yeah, pop pop. We do the popcorn gallery. Pop pop? Yeah, pop pop. I've listened to the show. This is not a thing you do on the show.

Pop pop. It's a gallery. Everything is the same song. You guys just do the same opening song. Where's Mallory? Who's Mallory? From Family Ties. From Family Ties, yes.

Thank you. Jesus. Justine Bateman much? Hello. She was the president of SAG, okay? She meant to help you out with some of those contract negotiations. Yeah, maybe you know her brother because you seem to only want to hear male versions. I like Jason Bateman a lot.

You think Jason Bateman played freaking Mallory on Family Ties? Come on. He's a hot, tasty treat. This is Ryan turning on Family Ties. Wait, get back into the character. Which one? If you're going to do me. Wait, Boba Tussauds.

No, you have to get into your character zone again. We have to get into Go-Go Zone. Unless I'm not worthy of that. We have to get it going again. Unless I'm not worthy of that. Character zone. Second time. Character zone.

Here's the rhyme. There better be a rhyme coming up. Bart zone. He's a son. He's a son. Bart zone. We're having fun. This is such a disappointment. Here's Ryan turning on Family Ties.

This is going to be amazing. Oh, there's Jason Bateman. That was very... And Mallory came on screen right before that. I do know who Mallory is. And I had a... Maybe it's time for us to sing the whole Family Ties theme song. Maybe? Yeah, that's the kind of thing we do on this show.

A lot of times... Yeah, yeah. It's actually... A lot of times when we have a guest like you, we'll do sort of a solo bolo thing where we just sing a fucking song. Yeah. That's content. No, that's comedy bang bang. That's content. It's almost. Yeah. That's content. Yeah. No, that's comedy.

Bang, bang. That's content. It's almost 100% Ben Schwartz and Scott Ackerman. Hey, that's one of our catchphrases on this show. That's right. The number one podcast on the network. Hot tits. And every time we do a big joke, we'll go, boy, that's comedy.

Bang, bang. And so thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten to do it. For a million years I bet we'll be together For a million more And there ain't no I'd rather do the growing pains theme song

Isn't that just a better song? It is Can we talk about some of the TV we watched Growing up you guys I mean I was fucking raised by TV Okay I guarantee I'm not the only one Right now people are listening to this some of the TV we watched growing up, you guys? I mean, I was fucking raised by TV. Okay? Yeah.

I guarantee I'm not the only one. Right now, people are listening to this, and this is not as good. Oh, yeah? And they're wondering where some phantom imaginary boyfriend of yours is. Exactly. They're all like, how did this get made? I wish he was my boyfriend.

What? Okay, let's talk about this. You're married. Yeah, but my wife is totally cool with me having boyfriends. Really? This is the first I'm hearing about this. This're married. Yeah, but my wife is totally cool with me having boyfriends. Really? This is the first I'm hearing about this. This is actually interesting. Hollywood boo

exclusive. This is actually... No, she's not like, please go out and find a boyfriend. You know what? This is interesting to me. You want to know why, Ryan? You want to know why? You want to know why? Yeah. Because it's about you. Thank you. You come in talking about Hayes or his credits.

I mean, that's not anything that I can't learn from a fucking book unless you want to talk about you. Now that's interesting. Now you've got my attention. Okay, well, read away, but I'm telling you this would be much more interesting if Hayes was here. He's the guy who asks the good

questions, and I'm more interested right now in getting out your little calendar and who asked the good questions. And I'm more interested right now in getting out your little calendar and rescheduling. Sorry, I'm just checking the clock. Cody, I think it's time for Magazine Countdown. This is a part of the show where we count down all the best magazines from the week. That's right. We go in number five to number one.

Yeah, all the best magazines, five to one. You count them down. Coming in at number five, Cat Fancy. This is not a thing. Zit, zit, zit, zit, zit. Magazines. Magazines.

Mega, mega. Cat Fancy is number five? Cat Fancy's five. Out of every magazine in the world? You think it should be number one? Oh, no. Yeah, I thought so, too. Controversy.

Oh, damn. Well, he's going after the charts again. I mean, Ryan, this is why we bring you on. Your hot takes on magazines. See, is your blood sugar low? Because that's on set. If you didn't have enough hard-boiled eggs, you would get really cranky. It might be low.

I haven't eaten today. We became really close. Story there. We became very close. That's why I know you didn't host this. Almost as close as me and my longtime co-host, Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Eli Sack.

What does Clem Dog mean? It's like a cool name. Yeah, it's like based off of his last name. People like it. It's not cool at all. No, people think it's cool. They think it's Cuckoo. It just invokes the cool character.

Yeah, like a rebel and someone who takes risks, like a rebel would. And then also Rebel Wilson, someone who has joie de vivre. Two years we worked together. Seasons one through four of Brazilian. Let's talk Lady Doritos, huh? I mean, big controversy there. Yes, because women don't like food, so it makes sense to mute chewing down. I don't want to hear him crunching.

Yeah. I mean, you can relate since you want me to be a man. Yeah. No, I didn't say that. I said I'd be more comfortable with you being a man as my boss. That is what he said when we had our HR one-on-one.

I'm also HR on the show. Yeah. What did you say to me? As somebody who has a mailbox, Colin, I can tell you, it's not that comfortable. I wish he was American. The dude comes in munching on kidney pie or whatever. Kidney pie? So loud.

With a spotted dick. What? Oh, yeah. Freaking tossing blood pudding at me and all this shit. I'm like, brother. Come on. Get with the program, baby. Come on.

Okay? Cuckoo and Clamdog are keeping the fucking lights on at this place. Maybe show a little bit of respect. Eat some normal food around me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Do you want to hear my favorite thing about Hayes? Oh, fine. Oh, God.

He's sharp. Mm-hmm. He's quick. Okay. Oh, God. He's humble. He's frugal. So this Hayes is some kind of genius.

Yeah. Who keeps the show afloat. Yeah. You know, establishes structure. Yeah, he sounds like somebody who has really cool prescription frames, right? Oh, my gosh. Well, he's the type of guy who can wear Warby Parkers. Big, chunky, vintage frames.

Yep. Look like a Hawk and Catch Fire character. Mm-hmm. He can take them off, though, and look just as sweet. Mm-hmm. Like what? Wearing plaid shirts? Wagon's eyes are ice blue?

Yeah. To match his plaid shirts? His eyes are ice blue? Yeah. To match his plaid shirts? Oh, what is he, got a button down, a little bit of a prep school vibe? Yeah. But you could tell it gets nasty after hours? It's an expensive shirt, but it looks like he picked it up at Goodwill. I can't listen to this. This guy sounds fake as hell.

Do you think this character that he's conjured up would wear Untucket? Like, you know, the men's brand? Untucket. Seemingly, he probably would. No.

He'd probably be seen exclusively in Untucket because he can afford it. Yeah, and MeUndies, I bet. Are Untuckets expensive? Okay, Ryan. We're number one in the podcast. Your privilege is showing

hey Ryan you might want to tuck that in your privilege is showing Ryan wait how much is an untuck it shirt Jesus Christ

he buys them but he doesn't even know what they cost some of us still check the price tag this is Ryan if you ask how much something is

he goes if you have to ask you can't afford it he just walks right up to the register with whatever he likes. Whatever he's good at. He's got a sturdy frame. He's on a website and he's like, add to cart, add to cart, add to cart, add to cart,

add to cart. Yeah. And then he does overnight shipping. Oh my god, that's so expensive. You can wait for it, Brian. No, I have a little... You don't do Prime. Do you know that you can see television shows with a Prime account? I purposely don't do Prime, so I can pay for this stuff. I don't do Prime. Do you know that you can see television shows with a Prime account? I purposely don't do Prime so I can pay for this stuff. I don't want to get Prime because it's more – I mean, I do think it's a little bit of a –

this sounds like an asshole thing to say of me, but it makes you look better if you spend more money. Well, that's interesting to me because it's actually about you. Which is what I've been trying to get at. Not some guy who's not even here, who maybe never even was here probably. I have a gift for Hayes, so I'd love to give it to him. Okay. Why don't you give the gift to yourself and be freed of this fantasy? This is a good time for our segment where we all give a gift to ourselves. Great.

Okay. And the gift is in the form of a promise. Yeah. Give me a gift for myself. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Now. So.

Coming in at number one. We're at number one. Wait, but it's, what are we charting? It's a gift to himself. Yes. It's a promise. Yeah.

And go ahead and make it right now. A promise to myself? Mm-hmm. A promise to yourself. I promise that I'm not going to count this as my visit to Hollywood Hamburg. What, you would have to do another show?

Yeah, I'm going to come back when it's yet. If he even had went anywhere and maybe it's better this way and we don't even need him? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I guess, yeah. Like maybe he didn't go. Bless you. Hey, it's time for Cody's Corner. Engineer Cody, you always have such an interesting topic that you bring in.

Why don't you lay on us what you've been up to this week? Because Cody, obviously, you might know him as the very organized, responsible engineer here at Earwolf. Who's just part of the backbone of Hollywood Hambu with Clem Dog and Cuckoo. Yes, right. So go ahead, Cody. What's up? I've been watching bowling videos. backbone of Hollywood hamboo with Clem Dog and Cuckoo. So go ahead, Cody. What's up? I've been watching bowling videos. Like how to?

How to bowl? This is a segment of the show? Man. That's so interesting, Cody. You know why? Because it's about you. So go ahead. What's going on with your style? Have you taken out any of these instructions onto the lanes

and tried to roll a perfect score? No. And it's best to stay in the lab a little bit before you go. Let it marinate. Let it wash over you. And the lanes are greasy, you know? So greasy. And Cody's

notoriously a clean freak. How many different videos are there? There's many channels. Many channels. Channels? It's all full channels, yeah. Wow. Does it put you into sort of an interesting mind space? Sure. You learn how to walk five steps and how to

swing and how to hold the ball. And then the release has got to be part of it. The release is part of it. Oh, boy, what a great. Cody's Corner always gives us a lot of juice. And I love, he talks about these videos he watches, and you can hear it with the full confidence that he's watching them after he's done recording the show.

You know, Cuckoo, maybe we should do another one of our famous segments where we just take a friggin' crazy movie and just go, hey, how'd they even make this thing? Like, why'd they do it? You know? Yeah, let's do that. Do you guys do anything?

Great White Oxford, by the way. Do you do anything but horrible, bad segments? Because that's all I've heard so far and I'm kind of done with it. That's not a bad segment. It's a hit segment on our popular podcast, the number one podcast on the network. I'm going to call it. This show not a bad segment. It's a hit segment on our popular podcast, the number one podcast on the network. I'm going to call.

This show will be friggin' the Chucky movie. Who even had this idea? The doll's going crazy. Do you guys mind being quiet for one second because I'm texting an old... This is an audio podcast. Well, Ryan, you can chime in with us at any time. I will chime in.

I'm going to call Hayes right now. I have a friend that used to. You know a friend who knows this imaginary phantom character, Hayes, who you're obsessed with. They went through the Second City program together. Okay. And they're kind of like, they were in the trenches of Second City together. One of his old buddies from NOM. He's responding.

His war buddies from NOM. He's responding. His war buddies from NAMM. He's responding. There we go. Sean? No, this is Hayes. Hayes Davenport? Yes, this is Hayes. It's Sean there.

I've been trying to talk to Sean. No, this is Ryan Gall. This doesn't prove anything. He just called some friend of his to pretend. How's it going? Well, it was going well. I'm actually a little starstruck to me, but even if it is over the phone lines.

Ryan, you're embarrassing yourself. It doesn't prove anything. I'm in here at the Hollywood Handbook, which is not really happening in my mind because you're not hosting it. I'm a little disappointed that you're not here. Where are you?

Wait. Well, so I've been trying to call in this entire episode. The whole plan for this episode. And Ryan, can I just say, it's mutual. We're in a mutual admiration society. Love you on The Billion. You were in a mutual admiration society. Love you on The Billion. You were very funny on that show. But also

probably the most attractive person on it. And it was a very good looking show. Well, that means a lot to me. And I also find you to be aesthetically beautiful as well. You have a heart of gold. Not an ugly person on the show.

And you and I would say that you were a little bit. Is the cool up there too? Yes. Yeah, she's, I guess. Cool up. Don't engage with him. Okay. Yeah, this is Hayes, you guys.

Apparently something rings a bell here. This is the guy who hosts Hollywood Handbook Alone. Alone? Sean's there. Can I talk to Sean? Yeah. Sean, what are you doing? Sean, don't talk to him. Who are you, stranger? He's your

best friend of anyone. And we collaborate as well, but we still, if it weren't as friends. We we still make it work as friends. We've never let it come in the way of being friends. Is that ringing the biggest bell in the world, maybe? Maybe a little. Oh, Jesus.

Look, Hazel. This whole, I knew this would happen. Hey, stop, please, stop, stop, stop. I knew this would happen. Okay, message received, okay? You. Stop, stop, stop. Okay. I knew this would happen. Okay, message received. Okay? You don't have to pound me on it.

But Ryan has to know. Ryan has to know. This whole episode was going to be about how I went to the Winter Olympics. How I'm there now competing in the Winter Olympics because I beat Sean

at qualifiers. Yeah, because I slipped on friggin' a piece of ice that I think you actually put there. Wait. The whole thing is ice.

The whole event. Okay, well, nobody told me that. It's on ice. The event is where we, the one where you roll up a hill of ice.

What? Yeah, last minute, all of a sudden, there's ice everywhere and I've been practicing on just a plain hill. The event is you roll up the hill. We're rolling up the hill. I'm not even trying. I've been

trying to lose because I knew something like this would happen if I lose. It's just always easier to lose with Sean. And Sean rolls off the side of the hill. It is easier to lose to me because I'm so good. Sean tried to go too fast his top half was rolling

was the only part rolling and his feet were like a fulcrum so he kind of rolled in a circle and you might end up standing up and spinning around oh my god and hurt my hip hurt my back and your pussy and your crack

I went up I rolled up the hill so fast that people thought I was doing like a ski jump I did a ski jump off the top of the hill I wasn't even

trying to win you were wearing skis Ryan wants to know if you were wearing skis no I wasn't wearing skis he just did a ski jump it's a ski style of jump and you don't even need skis. He just did a ski jump. It's a ski style of jump, and you don't even need skis to do it.

That's just a jump. It's not just a jump, Ryan. Unless you're wearing skis, it's like going to a skateboarding pipe. No, Ryan, it's not just a jump, because if you're doing a wicked daffy in the middle of the air, then actually you are doing a ski style of jump. I was going uphill, Ryan. I love you, buddy, but listen of jump. I was going uphill, Ryan. I love you, buddy, but listen, please. I was going uphill.

Take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth. And I did a jump off the top of the hill. You ever notice the ratio, Ryan, that the big guy gave you two ears and one mouth? There might be a reason for that. Maybe listening is twice as important. Just a jump. It's just a jump. Maybe listening is twice as important. Just a jump. It's just a jump.

Okay, this guy. So now I am in a position where I do have to stand up for my best friend. Because it's not just a jump. And he did it so good he even beat me, which was pretty good. Wait, wait, wait. No, before you do your best friend again, what have you been doing? Nothing, basically nothing. We just were hanging out.

You know, the show must go on. My phone must have been off or something weird because I didn't hear any calls. And so we just, you know, Cuckoo's here. I don't know if you want to talk to her, but we did the show. She says hi. I love Cuckoo.

I love you, Hayes. It makes me so sad that you I love Cuckoo. I love you, Hayes! It makes me so sad that you would bring Cuckoo and Ryan for what was supposed to be my special show, and you wouldn't let me do it and even talk about my experience. The Winter Olympics. Well, you know, it just so happened that timing

wise it made more sense to just do it with Cuckoo and Ryan, and then... I feel like I've been duped. Okay. So now we have to deal with this? We're trying to mend their friendship, Ryan and now you, it's attention on you again? It's lousy. Ryan tried to make the whole thing about himself and

it was really frustrating because to be honest, he's not that interesting. That's what I would have done if I were there. When I'm hosting, I make my show, I take a step back and I allow the guest to be the star of the show. See? I told you that.

I told you he was a better host. And you didn't believe me. Okay. Selfish friend. So all we did really was we just... And I know I thought of you. I would never say that. But you are a selfish friend.

Oh, my God. Okay, well, all we did really was we just did talk to Ryan and then we counted down the are a selfish friend. Oh my god. All we did really was we just did talk to Ryan and then we counted down the charts a little bit and then we talked about how did this get made and then we sang a theme song because we were raised by TV and we were doing a solo bolo. That's all.

So it's really not a big deal. Well, maybe I'll play the episode some week when you don't know that the show is happening and I'll bring a guest and I'll be hosting the some week when you don't know that the show is happening and I'll bring a guest and I'll be hosting the show at the same time as you Hayes I can be co-host

Hayes I can be co-host well Kulop's saying she refused to participate in something like that that's not what I said because it wouldn't feel right so some people are actually loyal and that selfish friend comment just got you almost disconnected except for Ryan's pretty strong and grabbed my arm. So do you have anything else you want to say to him?

Hey, to Ryan? Yeah. I would love to collab on something sometime. I think the two of us, two handsome guys, I think we could really do a good kind of like a spoof.

We could do a good spoof of some kind. Do you need a writing partner? Yeah, yeah. It's not like really a writing thing. I think we would just kind of show up and do a spoof. You know what I mean? Sean, Sean, can you pitch a title for the podcast?

Okay. I think instead of Broad City, it's called Broad Shoulders. Starring Hayes and Ryan. And it's a scoop of Broad City. I think that you and Ryan and a scoop of Broad City. Removing all my emotion from what has been a pretty tumultuous day, I think that that would be a very successful venture. It could be really funny.

It's a show that's so ripe for getting spoofed. It's a showrunner. Into the showrunner slot. And now I see how it happened the last time. For Jillian. An idea factory over here.

Atop my broad shoulders. That's right. Atop my broad shoulders. Yeah, that's right. And Kulab's own broad shoulders are what... Now she wants to be in it. She'd maybe be like your nasty boss. Yes. Oh, yes.

I think I could be pretty good in the Hannibal role. I mean, is that interesting? I mean, we could promise it to you now but then recast it later that would be a familiar feeling so so I think that what came out of this was actually something good which is we've got a really great idea for a spoof

we've got some perfect casting going on and so I understand that you are upset with me but can I just say good luck in the Winter Olympics. I'm doing it. Well, I have to leave because I'm doing it now. Oh, you're up.

All right. I'm doing it. I'm rolling. Don't forget your skis. You're in the middle of rolling. Don't forget your skis. And then it's a little dig, and he can't resist. And this is what he's been doing.

Are we on bluetooth? yeah I think that's at you it was at you that's at somebody listen can I just end by Hayes I just want to end by saying how much I respect your career

and what a ferocious performer and writer you are. Ryan, can I say, I feel the exact same way about you. You're a savage. You're a savage, Ryan, and that's the highest compliment I can say. I think you are a gnarly and ratchet. It's lit, fam.

Hey, fam. It's lit, fam. You're fam. It's lit, fam. You're a warrior. I have to go. Sean, I don't think you meant it when you said it was lit, fam. When I said it's lit, fam? Yeah, I don't think you felt lit. Do you not feel that I felt that it was lit?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Or even perhaps that you're my fam? No, I feel that you're my fam. I'd love an apology. Why? Why? What are you talking about? For all of this.

We were doing Kaufman-esque. Oh, you guys were doing it? Yes, and we kind of tried to walk you to that a little bit, obviously. He and I both want Jim Carrey to be obsessed with us, and so this is our way. This is our path. I was hoping that Jim Carrey would somehow inconvenience a lot of people by being a fan of me.

And that that would perhaps be a ripe topic for a documentary. So yeah, that's my goal. That's my goal too. Well, that being said, then I apologize to you guys. Thank you. that feels great

and I'll actually accept it and you can see what it looks like to be gracious okay to give a gift that could be yeah and that was a gift

you gave yourself in a way you know what I mean god are there any other segments we want to do before we go now that Ryan's

actually chilled out I'd love to know the other four magazines you only went through cat fancy well dog fancy yeah thank you rat fancy of course and then there's always highlights at number one You only went through cat fancy. Well, dog fancy, yeah. Thank you.

Rat fancy. Of course, and then there's always highlights at number one. And we did skip one, and we are going to leave that one. That's the mystery magazine. At number two. And the mystery is solved. It's Mad Magazine. Oh, you gave it away right away.

Yeah, but it was fun for the audience because we had been sprinkling clues throughout. Easter eggs crack open. Okay. A little bit, a bit Holmesian. This was a... Is Sherlock, sir? Waste of time. Yas, queen.

Yas. So, Ryan, do you want to plug anything while you're here? Should we do like a plug song? Yeah, obviously we should do our plug song. Let me hear the plug song, and then I'll go from there. I don't know. I mean... What's up, Doc?

I'm Plugs Bunny. We're doing the plugs, and the song is funny. Yeah. Yas, queen. So what workouts are you doing lately? Oh, I'd love to talk about that. I'm still hitting hot yoga a lot, June. Hot yoga, how hot?

105 degrees. That's too hot. That's too hot. Some orange theory, which I really enjoy because it really is based around scientific theory on how to stay in the orange zone. That you hit the orange zone. Yeah. That's good. Hey, yeah, I've been hitting some orange theory, too.

Orange Julius. Uh-oh. Hey, I got a theory. That shit tastes good, man. Yeah, let me put my hypothesis to the test. Oh, no, oh, no, brain freeze. Yes, the experiment was successful. What else are you doing for fitness, ma'am?

You know, Sean and I, I don't know if you know this, we go to the same gym. You do? Do we? We do. Have I seen you there? No, I just heard from Drew Tarver last night that he saw you. Do you want to hear a real story about Drew Tarver? Yes, please.

So I went to the gym, and I see Drew Tarver there, and we talked for like 20 minutes, and it was nice and nice guy. And then I'm leaving, and I'm kind of in a hurry because my wife, Steffi Graf, is on her way home. And if I don't get home before her, then she's going to have to feed the cats when she gets home, and she's been working all day, and I've just been hanging out at the gym not working. And so I kind of will feel bad if she has to feed the cats because there's a lot of them and it's kind of a pain in the ass. And so I'm like racing to get home. Yeah, I have five cats and there's three outdoor cats that come too. And so I'm like racing to get home. And so I got to get out of the gym fast, but obviously I just left the gym. I want to go take a shower and I walk in. There's probably 12 showers there.

Like there's so many. I've never seen this before. They're all full. So I'm walking in. I'm going like, fuck, I really got to go. And I'm like waiting. And so I'm like there. And I'm like, I can't believe they're all full.

Like the one day I'm in a hurry, I see this very unusual thing. Then one of the showers turns off. So I go, okay, this person is going to get out of the shower soon. So I walk over and I post up in front of the shower. Drew Tarver opens the door and I'm standing there outside his fucking shower like a total creep. And so I, of course, don't explain what's – and I'm thinking like if the roles were reversed and I opened the door and someone's outside the shower,

I would never think, oh, the showers must be full and he was waiting because that's never happened there. So he just sees me waiting outside. And I am kind of happy with what my reaction was, which is I see his face and I just go, perfect. And I walk into the shower and just turn up. But I'm like, he must think I'm very strange. And I don't blame him. Perfect. And that was it.

So that happened at the gym. And I hope to see you there. I've been there a little more lately. I also am fun employed, and so I will be there. Well, what I'll say, well, let's not yet. But what I'll say about the gym is that it is located in Hollywood, and I did overhear someone say something in the locker room that should maybe be our parting thought, which is they were talking about maybe joining a different gym, and the one guy said,

man, you can't go to a different gym. This one's in Hollywood. The network is the nectar, baby. Bye. This one's in Hollywood. The network is the nectar, baby. Ew! Bye! I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon.

For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow! That was a HeadGum Podcast.