Hollywood Handbook - Scott Aukerman and Jeff Ullrich, Our Business Associates

Episode Date: March 24, 2014

Hayes and Sean dish on their relationship with Kanye during a round of "Snail Mail Roulade" and then give listeners a peek into the inner workings of the Earwolf machine as Scott Ankerman and Jeff Ullrich enter a live negotiation with Hayes, Sean, and their powerful team of lawyers.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I go, alright, Tay, but if it sounds like you're saying chocolate brain to me, and it sounds like you're saying chocolate brain to her, and we both liked this song before, maybe you should just fucking suck it up and make a chocolate brain with pay it's like oh it's my art you know whatever yeah i turn this on the mic so i can breathe it's like i don't care hey hey what up what up welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kick somebody Buttons and Dropping Dames to the Red Carpet by the back hallways of this industry. This industry we call

showbiz. I'm Hayes Davenport. I'm here with Sean Clements. Smoke it. We live in Hollywood and work here and our lives are movies and shows and the industry and films. And we talk about them on this podcast.

And if there's one thing you should know about Sean and I and that everyone does know, it's that we don't open our own mail. We don't have time. There's so much fan mail and other stuff. we don't have time there's so much fan mail and other stuff and while we appreciate in theory the thought and the time it takes to do that stuff we can't be bothered with it and your hands get very sticky and sometimes all sliced up you can get caught and we've gotten anthrax probably a hundred times anthrax so. Osama's done it to us and Saddam and Gaddafi and all those guys tried to anthrax us. They all missed because

we're too fast and too good. We're dodging bullets baby. You guys like Phil Helmuth, the poker player? So we have a team of fans who do our mail

and every once in a while a letter so We have a team of fans who do our mail. And every once in a while, a letter is so interesting to them. They say, like, oh, what's up? They go, hey, you guys, look at this. I found this for you. So anyway, when one of the fans does send us a letter that they feel needs our attention, we always do a segment that people really enjoy called Snail Mail Roulade. This is a play, of course, on Gmail Roulette. One of our famous segments and also a nod to our reputation as foodies, which is Roulade is a food. It's a thing you eat and you can have it in a restaurant

or you can have it at home and people in certain like oregon or like yeah mississippi or um would say like uh snails isn't food snails is bugs snails is bugs, but there's also food in them. And what they would be too thick to understand is that bugs is food if it's prepared in a French way and in a nice way. And if you were to ever fly on a plane and go to an interesting country, you would see that sometimes they eat all kinds of dishes that are even better than American junk like cheeseburgers. Yes, I love when people say that the best food is cheeseburgers. no right then i can ask them have you ever been to a nice country like as like switzerland or something um or not even that like uh laos and i and i asked them because when they say that it's a cheeseburger this is the best food i know what their answer will be and they go no laos is where

sriracha comes from which is something that a lot of people haven't heard of yet but i go wild for that stuff i put it in oatmeal i put it on hot dogs i'll put it on eggs i'll put it i i haven't tried that but that actually sounds good i'll put it in cherry pie. I put it on a fish. And I literally will eat it. Eat the whole thing. And I will eat the whole thing after I put sriracha on it. After I put sriracha on it. I mean, with no sort of bad feeling at all about doing it when I eat it.

Today, we're going to read a letter from Showshowbro on the forums. He opened some mail for us and is forwarding it along. And it begins, Dear Uncles Clements and Davenport, Boys, that's us. You know I respect your opinion and that's why i'm writing thanks again for bailing me out last time the name northwest was a real hit but i'm in trouble again the wedding is just around the corner and the guest list is starting to dwarf our venue my beach house is just too

darn small i know that my place isn't nearly as roomy as your santa barbara house but i thought you might have some tips from kan Kanye, P.S. Have you seen my Tevas? I think I left them there that time when you taught me to throw a spiral. And that's very generous that we taught him. He was most of the way there. It was just a matter of really the positioning of the hand you wanted on the back third of the ball, and you want to make sure your fingers line up with the laces. But his actual throwing motion was pretty much there. And it's mostly hip rotation. If you want to keep the ball in a straight line, which is how you stop that wobble from happening,

you just have to rotate your hips along the same axis. You don't actually move your legs at all. Yes, and people think that you throw with your arm and you throw with your core. It's rotation of your hips. It's rotation of your shoulders, snapping it around. With your core. It's rotation of your hips. It's rotation of your shoulders, snapping it around,

and you're almost throwing downwards, moving the arm downwards and just allowing your body's momentum to move the ball rather than – it's not about arm strength. I mean, they talk about arm strength in the NFL, but it's not about arm strength. When they say that someone has a strong arm or a cannon arm, that actually means – If that was the case, the guy with the biggest bicep would be the best football thrower. Right. And that's not the case. It actually means that their mechanics are such that the ball really cuts through there and can achieve a long distance.

And use a football is the other thing that we... Yes, because when we did first arrive at the beach house, he was throwing a croquet mallet. And it wasn't spiraling. It was sort of end over ending. And then he was just clattering on the ground, not that far away. And at one point hit a Dalmatian in the butt. It was funny. It was funny.

It wasn't in the head. Didn't get hurt. Sort of gave like a yelp, and then kind of an oop, and then sort of a look like, yeah, and scurried off, but he came back later and we wrestled with him and it was fine.

And so the question is about the wedding house, and I guess you want some tips on how to have your wedding in a big place. Am I wrong to think he's kind of asking if he can use our place? He says, he actually mentions our roomy

Santa Barbara place by name. Yeah, he's like I know my place isn't as big and my place is too small and you have a big place. I wish I had a bigger place. He's all around it. What do you think?

What weekend is that? Calendar. Calendar. Siri, what my schedule? Siri, what my schedule siri what my schedule it says not unless you like hot spacho hmm uh oh you know what it's this weekend mm-hmm we're around we are around is Leota still staying there he's in the he is in the wedding room yeah well yeah he wanted to crash out there I remember after two pines he wanted to mm-hmm sort of just decompress. We put him in the wedding room. They have to check with him.

Yeah. I wonder if Show Show Bro could tell Kanye to tell Lyoto what he wants. Yeah, and then take Kanye's response and send it to Lyoto and then get Lyoto's response back from him and then um send it to Kanye and then we would also need to be kept abreast of looped in on all these things uh we we have an interesting segment coming up we're doing things a little bit differently this week Sean and I have reached the end of our 25 episode contract with Earwolf. We are going to be renegotiating our contract on the show with Jeff Ulrich and Scott

Ankerman. They are here in the studio and they're going to talk to us and our legal counsel about how our contracts are gonna work going forward if whether they can even afford us if they are if they are that's all coming up on hollywood handbook so jerry o'connell turns to the waitress uh and he gives her that look and he's like, listen toots, I paid for this meal, I'm taking the plate. And he just gets up and he walks out with the plate like a boss, dude. That's Jerry.

Boss. That's Jerry. Hey, what up, what up? Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? Transparency. What does it mean?

Webster's defines it as looking through glass. Being able to see through, yeah. Yes. Yep. And like glass, the philosophy of this show is the same as glass, which is you can see everything on the other side. And the existence of this show is as fragile as glass. It could smash at any time, and then it would be pretty dangerous to whoever smashed it, and they could cut themselves pretty bad. It really cut you up. It was pretty bad.

Speaking of which, we have, of course, the two heads of Earwolf today handling the glass. What we want to do today, it's our 25th episode, I think. Thereabouts. Which in podcasting is known as an episodic quarter. And at the end of each 25 episodes, the contract renegotiation takes place. Opens back up. And Jeff and Scott, who are here

with us today, the two bosses of the rules, asked to do this proceeding in a dark room with no windows. With their thugs close at hand. Engineer Cody and some of the other

undesirables they litter the Earwolf Hallways with. And we, it was very important to us that this contract renegotiation that we're going to do right now happen on the show. That's the point of the show, isn't it, right? To learn about

Hollywood and how this stuff works. And so to really give you a good window through the glass into the glass renegotiation process. And so Jeff and Scott are here. We've also brought our- Legal counsel. Our legal counsel, if you guys want to introduce yourselves. Yes, my name is Jerry Bradford. Yes, my name is Jerry Bradford. I just hung up my own shingle of my own firm a few months ago, and I will be here to negotiate on behalf of the podcast.

My name is Ross Fontaine. I am from the law firm Power Lawyers. And I'm from my own firm, Jerry Braderry bradford esquire power lawyers has a little bit more pop to it well so you guys i'm sorry are you guys represented separately we do we didn't know well everything in this town is an audition you're always you know you're always on display you're always competing and so we thought it best to invite two lawyers and see who really wows us in terms of what they're able to get us out of this. I think that's great. I'm not worried about that. Me either. I think just my own mom and pop credentials

will shine against the sort of more soulless corporate firm that Russ has. And this is just for podcast stuff. These guys will be our podcast council and then... Oh, you have different council for other facets of your... Yeah, because they're actually not...

Podcasting and TV is actually not the same thing, and they're different stuff. Wait, are they negotiating a different podcast for you guys? We negotiate all available options. We only work for podcast rights, and therefore all podcast-related options. Wait, what exactly are we negotiating? This is just for our contract going forward after this episodic quarter for the future of Hollywood Handbook.

Well, you guys won't need lawyers for that. Look, you guys love the show. You want to make more of the show. We're considering it. We love it, too, actually. We really love doing it. That's good. It's a huge amount of fun for us i'll go as far

as to say that i enjoy listening to the show so that thank you thank you huge amount of ground to give i actually i had somebody one time tell me like oh you guys produced the hollywood handbook that's a great show wow so okay and who was that was it was that like i was in malibu doing some juicing okay oh cool yeah i've never had that experience but that sounds like a... I was in Malibu doing some juicing. Okay. Oh, cool. Yeah. I've never had that experience, but that sounds like a great one. You've never been to Malibu? I mean, a lot... No, I mean, never had anyone come up to me. You've never been to Malibu?

I've been to Malibu. I've never had anyone come up to me to say they enjoy the show. So you have been to Malibu. Can we just get for the record if you've been to Malibu or not? Is there a record here? I mean, I'm just being a record. Is this a stenographer or is it just kind of a mental record? Is that what you're saying?

Well, It's being recorded. We're recording it. We are in front of microphones, which is an

odd way to negotiate a deal. At least we have our headphones on. So we're just going to

leave the Malibu question open for now and we'll come back to it? We'll table the Malibu

question. Yeah, let's table that. In this transparency glass metaphor, what are the safety goggles with which one...

The goggles are fear. Fear. Okay, great. All right. And in case a little glass gets in your eye. Yes, which would not happen if you had the safety goggles, meaning if you were afraid. It bounces off. Guys, let's cut to brass tacks.

What's on the table here? I like this guy. He's really... Talk about tower lawyercy. That's good, Russ. Russ, that's on the table here? I like this guy. Talk about tower loyalty. Russ, that's very good. Russ, that's... I don't think there's any reason to be that harsh about it. We're all friends here. We're just trying to...

You know what? We're just... This is just like a general store talking to a farmer about how much to sell a bag of grain for. There's no reason to get so official about it. We're going to put it on paper, but we're all friends. I am laser focused. I like Jerry's style. I're going to put it on paper, but we're all friends. I am laser focused. I like Jerry's style. I like the focus

of the first guy, but the folksiness of the second guy kind of appeals to me. It feels relatable, yeah. It makes it feel nice. No, podcast rights are directly descended

from fishing rights. The law. I'd love to hear more about that another time. Sure. Table it. Let's table it. We'll table that.

So let's go over the past quarter, and maybe you guys can talk to us about sort of your experiences. I mean, I know, Jeff, you initially said we wouldn't even need lawyers for it. Is that because you're willing to cave to all our demands? Well, I just didn't realize that you guys were going to have too many demands because we enjoy the show, as Scott said. There is the well-documented instance of someone in Malibu complimenting me on the show. I remember you telling me about that. It was really exciting. Not maybe three minutes ago.

Yeah. Story A. But aside from that, we haven't really been able to find any tangible benefit to the company to have this show under our umbrella. Intangibles. That's true. That's an interesting thing. We talk about how do you label the hustle

that we bring in. A lot of stuff you can't quantify as those qualities that are not readily apparent. I noticed you said you hustle. Do you also bustle? Okay. That might help the show. Don't answer that.

I don't know if we're willing to disclose that. Thank you, Russ. I'd need to see a warrant. And see, this is why we have these guys here. Because you did try to trap us. Gotcha questions like that. Did try to trap us. I'll retry that.

Speaking of tangible and intangible benefits, you know, when a farmer brings his goods to the middle of the village, you know, there's a lot of things he's bringing to the community. One, there's the value of the grain, sure, and you can measure that and how much revenue he brings in. But there's also a sense of community. There's how he ties people together, whether he's known or not, whether he makes people feel safe. And people can eat the grain.

The middle of the village is where the store is? Yeah, this would be right in the middle of the village. I'm not a lawyer. That's the way it used to be. That's the old world. I don't think it would be on the outskirts of the village, so it's easier to get to for the farmer. Well, this is your background.

I drive a banged-up white Cadillac, and I get my food from the grocery store. I don't know how they do things out in Malibu, Scott, but in the village that I'm describing, the farmer's market would be right in the middle of town. I would rather not say if I've been to Malibu. All right. Well, that question will be answered. Let's talk numbers.

Sure. We don't really pay attention to those. Right. Well, so we create host reports for all of our hosts. Avery and Andrew, our CFO, create them. I get one pretty much every month for my show, Comedy Bang Bang. Have you guys heard the show? I know you haven't been on it.

You can answer that. Oh, Comedy Boom Boom. No. No? Haven't heard it, no. Well, these host reports, Sean doesn't have a TV. I don't own a television, and so I'm at a bit of a disadvantage there, but... Well, Scott's show's really, really popular and successful, if you don't mind me sharing.

Actually, I would rather you didn't share that. I mean, gosh, I... Let's just say, like, show X, for example, makes a lot of money for the network. And X amount of money. X amount, yeah. And so we have these reports. With like how many listeners? I'm not at liberty to disclose that.

It would be an X amount of listeners. Right. Okay. X amount. Okay. Write that down. Definitely more Xs, though, than your show. Let's just say.

What's the multiplier? Six Xs probably per week. Guys, guys, guys. What's just say... What's the multiplier? Probably six Xs, probably, per week. Guys, guys, guys, what's with all these Xs? Let's just... How many apples of yours? Six in a row. I don't mean just six. Yeah.

Oh, so they're multiplied by six-digit Xs. Or seven, is it? Six or seven? I'm not... Maybe seven. Maybe seven, yeah. Maybe seven Xs. Well, how long have you been doing the show?

Over the life of a show, that's not... About X number of years, pretty much. Give or take. That divides us to one. That's one. That's per capita one X per show. If I wanted to see this many Xs, I'd go to the Oscars. A lot of the women there I've dated.

But enough of that good joke. The Oscars only occur once a year. It would be difficult to go to them more than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean the parties and stuff, too, around it. Objection. I'm sorry. I'll take it back.

I withdraw. But, you know, all this talk about exes and shows and popular, it seems like smoke and mirrors to me. You're talking about host reports. Yeah. We'd really love to just, like, get done. You want the numbers. So before our, I guess, negotiation...

Are we supposed to be negotiating at 25 shows? That's like... Yeah, I didn't realize. That's like every six months, isn't it? I thought they were going to just thank us for letting them do the show. Yeah, I got a message to show up here today. I assumed I was getting a present of some sort. You should have gotten a notarized letter from my firm.

Oh, was that what that was? Yeah. Oh, no. You must have the old P.O. box. Yes, I sent it to a P.O. box. We send our paperwork by courier. There's an envelope with power lawyers, laser background. I definitely got that one.

That was very impressive. I sent you a handwritten note with a wax seal that I... Your calligraphy style, I have to say, is something I've never seen before. I couldn't quite figure out if a Q was a B. Well, that's how they were. There was no Q up until 1930. Our letterhead is a wiggle picture. It says power, and then when you look at it from a different angle, it says lawyers.

Yeah, it's three-dimensional, some sort of hologram. My wife texted me and said, why are we going to some Jerry Bradford wedding? And she was very confused. Yeah, my Jerry Bradford one was written on a piece of bark, and it kind of fell apart, and a cicada shell came out of it when I started trying to read it. A Native American show of friendship is to write

correspondence on bark. I ended up just feeding mine to my gerbil. That's a compliment. Okay. So brass tacks here, guys. Yeah. It costs us $312.44

per episode. Because as you may guess, Brett, he gets paid to be here. Yeah. All of the equipment costs money, electricity costs money. And that's in exchange for what service? That's per episode.

That's for us to- But what is Brett? For Engineer Brett, what exactly is he- I assume he must be doing something in return. You sound like I can't see. He's sweeping or he's- He's recording and editing and mixing this show. I have to admit, though, Jeff, I am looking at Engineer Brett.

He's not doing it. His arms are folded. His arms are folded. His arms are folded. He's glaring at us. In sort of a brassy, defiant posture. And we're calling him on it and he's not even trying to pretend like he's doing something. It would be one thing if we were paying him to have some sort of friendly demeanor. Right.

That at least, some sort of demeanor different than his normal scowl. He is not even going that far. See, it's good. Now we're talking about stuff. Maybe the recording of the show, maybe that's negotiable. Maybe it doesn't need to be recorded. One thing's for sure. We should have a performance evaluation for Brett soon.

Do we get some Engineer Brett's go in our next round? That might be. But in the meantime, it's $312.44 per episode. I would stipulate that Engineer Brett should only get paid while his arms are in motion. That's a good suggestion, Russ. I would stipulate that Engineer Brett should only get paid while his arms are in motion. That's a good suggestion, Russ. I'll look at him.

So over 25 episodes, that means that we've spent $7,811 to execute the show. That's not chump change. That's a car for some people. Yeah.

It's a couple people's bonuses at the end of the year. It's friends saying hi to each other. Gosh, I'd love to be friends with you. Yeah. It's a couple of people's bonuses at the end of the year. It's friends saying hi to each other. Gosh, I'd love to be friends with you. I mean, a little money between friends. You know, somebody picks up a check. Somebody else, you know, takes care of the tip next time we're talking about. We're just talking about friends being buds.

It's gas money for a trip to Malibu. About how far away is that? It's probably about 30. Wait. No, no, no. I don't want to get into that. But yeah, it costs us a bit of money. So for the six months you've been doing the show,

yeah, it's cost us $7,000. And if you were to ask, how much have we made? How much have we made? Zero dollars. Interesting. You could call this show the zero dollars handbook. All right.

Actually, we should consider renaming it. Jeff, can I talk to you for a second? I don't think that that's a very good name. I have to say this. I don't think anyone would listen to that. The Hollywood Handbook, I mean, people are fascinated with Hollywood. I think it's a good name, even though it hasn't really actually ended up giving us. Taking off, yeah.

Taking off at all. No. I think the $0 Handbook is kind of a bad idea. What about the Malibu Handbook? There seems to be a lot of interest about that. I just want to say that I can't hear what you're saying when you have that conspiratorial tone. Okay. Anyway, I really wish you

would talk to me before you start pitching them ideas about changing the name of the show. Sorry. The $0 handbook is a no-go for me. Okay. Okay? Thank you. If revenue is a problem, guys, I understand. Here's the quarter right here. 25 cents. I'm going to slide that right across the table to Jeff. There we go. We're out of the zero column.

Thank you, Jerry. He was saving that for the wishing well. I mean, you guys, things are so bad that I was just in the green room and I had to try and sell Rob Corddry one of our hooded sweatshirts to try and make some... Sorry. Try and make some money off of this show. Are you okay? Are you choking? What is happening here?

It was embarrassing. You know, Scott, I'm sitting there and he comes out and he's like, hey, that's a really great sweatshirt. And I was like, well, actually, they're $59. You also mentioned, I believe, that it was the third embroiderer you had gotten to make the sweatshirt. So how much of the

$0 handbook money that could be going into promotion for our show has been actually going into just paying a laundry list of embroiderers. Yes, just an insane number of embroiderers. It's a high number. We are willing to stipulate that. It's a high number of embroiderers. Three embroiderers for one hooded sweatshirt. Well, this is the third edition.

Okay. What's the sweatshirt budget like in this operation? I don't really see how that's relevant to this negotiation. You know, sort of a good faith estimate. We spend about a third of what we would spend on this show

on our sweatshirts. That's priorities. It's a much better investment. We spend about a third of what we would spend on this show on our sweatshirts. Wow. That's priorities. It's a much better investment. Yeah. Is it? Can we just take a harder look at those numbers you're talking about? Sure, yeah. Let's take a hard look.

I mean, zero, it's kind of a soft number because it's kind of round, and any way you go at it, it kind of like. It's not zero. It's $0.25 because I just put a quarter under the revenue column. But you know what's not round is $312.44. That's a pretty hard, jagged number. Every time I see you guys, I know

I just lost $312.44. That's why I'm rarely here on a Saturday. You talk about friends waving to each other or friends saying hello to each other. Anytime these guys pass by Jeff's window, he knows he just lost $312. And 44 cents. Invested.

But that's only considering internet. That's just internet numbers, you know? So you can make the internet say anything. You can just go on Wikipedia. You could go on friggin' Yahoo Answers and be like, does Hollywood Handbook cost $312?

Somebody's going to say yes. Don't be disrespectful to Yahoo Answers. You can call them friggin' Yahoo Answers, please. Okay, we do business with them. I would like to move that hereafter, Yahoo Answers will be known as friggin' Yahoo Answers for the duration of this trial. I second that.

You know, maybe we could get them to advertise on the show and generate revenue if you guys didn't take a stance like this all the time. Our first offer, our first offer, they want $12,000 per episode. They want first class trailers, more comfortable chairs, snacks. Equity. And a comfort dog. Equity. And handwritten thank you notes.

Equity. Remember what we said, Russ? Remember, Russ. Equity. And handwritten thank you notes. Equity. Remember what we said, Russ? Remember, Russ. Equity. I don't remember. They'd like 65% ownership of the product. And not Earwolf. Not this product.

People keep trying to offer us equity in Earwolf, which as far as we can see is just equity in ourselves. Yeah, if you are, how can you own a piece of yourself? You can't. But a big company like a Coca-Cola or something like that? That would be interesting. Now you've got my attention, and now I'm actually listening and maybe going to say yes. So is that your final offer?

It's our first offer, and we're willing to go up. Like more for, yeah. Even more Coca-Cola. Well, do we need to discuss this? I think we should. Can you guys just not listen for a second? Yeah, absolutely. We'll take our headphones off.

Hey, Jeff. How exactly do you want to phrase the no? I think you should do it because I'm not feeling very friendly right now. I can't believe how rude that really does. Yeah, I know. I mean, we didn't even think we were going to invite him to the holiday party because it was an extra two headcount. I know, yeah. And how much were the plates at that holiday party?

It was like $76 a plate. $76 a plate. And now they know where I live. Yeah, plus the photo booth. Oh, man. I didn't even think of that. Yeah. They have a lot of live. Yeah, plus the photo booth. Oh, man. I didn't even think of that. Yeah. They have a lot of nerve.

Yeah, they do. But I'm generally kind of the good cop to your bad cop. So why don't I... You should leave here. Okay, why don't I leave? Hey, guys, put your headphones back on. Oh, okay. All right.

Great. So, guys, I'm really excited to talk about this offer with you guys. excited to talk about this offer with you guys and just uh generally just i have so much enthusiasm for our reply which is uh absolutely not and uh go back to the drawing board and come back with something new doesn't have connections i have a different first offer oh great i would love to good since i'm not part of power lawyers i have a different first offer. I'm part of Jerry Bradford Esquire. I'd never want to be. Oh, you never will. Great.

That's going to work out for both of us. My competing first offer, $15,000 per episode, 100% equity of Earwolf, since Coke's not on the table, and 1% of Facebook. There's no reason to talk about Coke. We're a new media company. And, yeah, maybe Apple. Coke is old media. Coke's old media. Coke's the old model and we don't do that anymore. We're the new model. 1% of Facebook,

100% of Earwolf, $15,000 per episode as a first offer. Separate and in parallel to the first offer that Russ is offering. And also, if I could chime in with... Is this part of the offer? Yes.

Oh, okay. Which one? Because this isn't officially coming. The destruction of two other Earwolf shows of our choosing. Yes. Which offer are you appending that to? We just hit the button and one of those Earwolf shows is obliterated. We destroy them.

Which offer are you adding that to? Scott, I think we should go back to council here. Well, do you want to know which shows? Yes. Sure, yeah. You've chosen them already. Oh, yeah. That'd be great.

By the way, in conversation with Jeff Garlin. Yes, that will now be called, by the way, no conversation without Jeff Garlin. By, by the way. By, by the way. By, by the way, and then it won't exist as well? It'll be destroyed. Yes, but you'll be able to. It'll be renamed. It'll be on the site, and then it won't exist as well? It'll be destroyed. Yes, but you'll be able to... It'll be renamed, but...

It'll be on the site, and then when you click it, it says it shows not a... 15 minutes of silence. Okay. Just 15 minutes of silence. 15 minutes of silence, and then a tag on the... And then me and Hayes... Can we have ads on that? Yes.

Why create the 15 minutes of silence? Why not just have nothing happen when you click it? Then the silence is infinite. Well, I'd like to punish people who wanted to go and listen. Okay, I understand. And what's the other show? You're on the funny comedy show with like a... My show. Comedy Bang Bang?

Comedy Bang Bang. It'll be called Comedy Boo Hoo So Sad. Comedy Bye Bye. Yeah. Comedy Boo Hoo So Sad. Comedy Bye Bye. Yeah, yeah. 20 bye-bye. Yeah. Comedy boo-hoo, so sad. Comedy bye-bye, yeah, yeah. 20 minutes of silence, and then that hidden track at the end of Nirvana's Nevermind will play.

Oh, Endless Nameless. That's right. I know a song. I'm sorry. So Scott and I are going to consider the offers, and we'll be back in a second. Hey, Jeff? Yeah, Scott.

They want to go nuclear on two of our shows. Here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, by the way, I'm fine with that. Hey, Jeff. Yeah, Scott. They want to go nuclear on two of our shows. Here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, by the way, I'm fine with that. Right, yeah. I'm fine with that one if that one goes away.

The one that I have a little bit of a problem with is my show. I got it, man. I know, I know. I'm thinking we should try and poach this guy, Jerry Bradford.

Did you see what he did there? What did he do? He's a great negotiator. He came in higher than Ross after we had already said no. I like that. I like his tactics. Why don't we get him on our side? That's what I'm thinking. Okay, here we go. Hey, guys.

Hey. We have a counter. A counter offer, if that's okay. That's great. That's what we're here for. We'd like to play ball. Yeah. So here's our counter. You guys, as artists, receive nothing. And Jerry, we'd like to put you on retainer immediately, no audition, to represent us in our negotiations with the show.

Hang on, Jerry. Now, don't make a big mistake here. Wow, that's interesting. Hang on. Signing bonus of your 25 cents back. Hold on, Jerry. Now, a lot of men in this town got a lot of pretty talk, a lot of fancy talk that'll get you all twisted up and confused.

Jeff, let's push your simple farm man ways. Can't understand what he said. Push that across the table at him, if you would, Jeff. Just push that quarter right over there. Jerry, I'd be happy to represent you in this negotiation. Okay, that's interesting. I'm going'd be happy to represent you in this negotiation. Okay, that's interesting. I'm going to hire Russ to represent me in my current negotiation to work for Scott and Jeff.

Okay, Russ, what's your offer? Now, I can't pay you until the deal is closed. Is that all right with you? Jerry, I don't drive a banged up Cadillac because I need money. Great. That's what I like. Good old friendly talk.

Russ is my representative in the negotiation if I should represent Jeff and Scott. Russ, what do we need to do to make this happen? They're making a hell of an offer. You're making a hell of an offer to my client. I'd add snacks and a comfort dog. A comfort dog? Does it have to be a service dog? No, it's just a comfort dog. One that he can take on airplanes?

Science has shown that any animal... Oh, we love science. It's big right now. Your pet will lower your blood pressure. Have y'all seen Cosmos? Yeah, Seth MacFarlane, we love science. It's big right now. Your pet. Cosmos. Will lower your blood pressure. Have y'all seen Cosmos? Yeah, Seth MacFarlane, a family guy. He's not just a dumb idiot who makes stupid shows. No, no, he's not a complete moron who just fills the whole world with garbage and hires

other garbage makers to trot out his fucking bullshit litter for us. No. He actually also is a smart science man. He's legitimately smart. And his singing voice. Could you guys just not listen to this one part real quick? Listen, I can give on the snacks, but I gotta have that comfort dog.

They didn't say no to the comfort dog. They accepted that? You gotta take it. Whatever they offer you, take it. Okay. Let's go back in there. Okay. Well, we have a response to your offer.

Okay. Which your non-response to the terms that my attorney listed. Well, he never got to say what the science actually told us about the comfort dog. Lowers blood pressure. I said it lowers blood pressure. Oh, okay. I said it in accent. That clears things up a bit for me. When you pet comfort dog. Lowers blood pressure. I said it lowers blood pressure. Oh, okay. I'm setting an accent. That clears things up a bit for me.

Oh, sorry. When you pet it, it lowers your blood pressure. Okay. Guys, I'd like happily to accept your offer and be your attorney for the remainder of this negotiation. Jerry! Thank you, Jerry. Jerry.

Jerry. Jerry. That's a well done sign. Bad. Jerry. Jerry. Bad. So much.

So, wow, we never accepted your terms of the comfort dog and the snack, so you're just accepting our offer. I'm accepting the quarter. Okay, great. Jerry, the wish you make with that quarter will be a liar's wish. Oh, yes, that wish is cursed. A wish of a betrayer. It's going to be one that comes true, but in a way that hurts you.

In a bad way. There's no reason to be mad. Hey, guys, we're just going to gather on the fishing hole later. I'm just on the other bank of the creek. This is all the same town here. I'll give a quick example of what might happen with the wish. Let's say you wish for a million dollars with it. Okay, you get your million dollars,

but it's because the person closest to you in the world dies and leaves you that money. And you only wanted it to enjoy a nice trip with them. I'll give you another example. Let's say you've got another quarter. You make another wish that now that person is alive again and with you. But now there's some deformed zombie that comes alive with you. And then that is creeping you out and you can't get into any nice restaurants. This all sounds fun.

Oh, you like that? Yes, I do. You're a sicko. And I'm glad you're not my lawyer. Russ, thanks for coming. I love Power Lawyers. Happy to have you on board. Thank you.

It's a pleasure working for you, Power Lawyers. So let me just make some terms on behalf of Scott and Jeff real quick in order to continue the Hollywood Handbook etc etc podcast $8,000 per episode

and only 50% of Earwolf and half a percentage of Facebook can we talk to you for a second? I'm much more reasonable oh come on you're going to have to accept it your offer was too high Jerry can we talk $ you for a second? I'm much more reasonable. Oh, come on. You're going to have to accept it. Your offer was too high. Jerry, can we talk?

$6,000 an episode, 50% of your wolf. We do not authorize this offer. Yeah, I'm sorry. Jerry, he's on retainer. Can Hayes and I discuss this privately? Yes, and can we also discuss this privately simultaneously?

Yeah, let's do it. Hey, Jerry? Yeah. You can't just fly off the track. I don't know what any of these numbers mean. I went too low on them? Jerry, I think the channels that you're on don't know what any of these numbers mean. I went too low on them? I don't know what these numbers are.

It doesn't mean about percent. We're losing money. $312. Every time we see them, we're losing them. You're not a part of this, okay? Who are you talking to? I need help. I need some kind of measure. I need a bad guy.

How much of Facebook are you willing to give? I don't have anything on Facebook. I'm going to call your dad real quick. We want them to pay us $7,000. Hi, Daddy. Okay. How much of your wealth equity is on the table? Zero.

Zero. That's a tough stance to come from. I'm not sure. That's a tough sell. It's not as tough as their position. Is this guy talking to his dad? I don't know what's happening. What'd he say?

He's scared. I understand. I apologize. I'll make a more reasonable offer. I'm sorry about that. Our engineers are on the shark tank. All right. New offer.

New offer. Sorry. I was speaking a little bit before I had done my research properly. So this is a revised offer that's more reasonable. Hang on. Let me just put my dad on speaker. Yeah. Let me know when he's there.

Uh-huh. You got it. Okay. Hello? No percentage of Facebook. They don't own any percentage of Facebook to even offer. Even if they wanted to, they wouldn't want to offer. Zero percent of Earwolf is on the table.

They don't feel that you've made enough revenue to even begin to talk about that. So that's not a table. So far, he's doing great. Yeah. Pretty good, right? Okay. The revenue. let's table the revenue for right now, your pay per episode.

Let's just say we're going to talk about that later. Let's just put that on a different table. We get a table in another room. Same table as the Malibu stuff? Brett is fired instantly. I'm alright with this. Yeah, that's fine. Isn't Brett supposed to take photos? Isn't that one of the only

things he gets paid for? So far, not one. How can you take photos with your arms folded? I think we can all agree that Brett's worthless. So the offer we're making for this show to continue, Brett must be fired. Coca-Cola. Revenue to be determined. It sounds like they're offering Coca-Cola. No, that's your dad. No, that's your own dad

on speakerphone. No, I think I did just offer Coca-Cola. I'm sorry. So we'll go put Coca-Cola back on the table. My dad sounds weird on speaker. I don't recognize his voice. I think there's two cans of Diet Coke in the fridge. Yeah, the two cans of Diet Coke. Two cans of Diet Coke in the mini-fridge. You guys will get those cans of Diet Coke.

Daddy? Straight up. Is that good? You're getting a Coca-Cola? A diet, yeah. That is the clearest speakerphone I've ever heard. What type of phone do you have it's the samsung galaxy no i know it's too big but one that ellen used in her selfie that's right yeah with the big screen wow it's so unreal how great it is to watch movies on that was the selfie scene around the world that selfie is the most retweeted selfie of all time,

and Ellen really did us all a big service by uniting the world like that. There's so many different fragments of culture now and so many niche things, and I just think that can't we all just agree that seeing a photo of some big superstars hugging Ellen is something good? With white superstars and black superstars in one picture.

And I don't take a position on that, but thanks for saying it. Well, I'm just pointing it out. I'm not saying it's a good thing. And I don't know if I agree that they both were that. This is a Panasonic cordless phone. Thank you, Daddy. We get our phone from the cable company oh okay well that's some good info their cable company is panasonic the offer is no money no equity in earwolf or facebook some equity of coke which by which i mean two cans of diet coke

brett's fired uh and the revenue to be be discussed once we get to the second table. First table of which is whether Scott has been to Malibu or not. Can Hayes and I go over this for a minute? Of course. You know what? If you do, you're going to lose one of those cans of Coke. We need you to accept it right now. Can you just go through with me on that?

Yes, yes. I'm sorry. Yes, we'll take it. We'll take it. We'll take it. We'll take it. We'll take it. We'll take it.

Thank you. yes yes sorry yes we'll take it we'll take it we'll take it we'll take it we'll take it we'll take it thank you yes we accept okay can I talk to Jeff for a second I think we got the bad end of this deal they're gonna still

do the show I know what are we gonna do we came in here hoping to cancel the show yes yes yes yes

yes yes yes this whole negotiating thing's really backfired on us. We better fire Jerry. We better fire Jerry. Jerry, can we talk to you for a second? Of course. Hey, guys.

Hey, how's it going? What's up? What's this holiday party you guys were talking about before? Hey, let me just say. Let's not worry about that. I love photo booths. You know, there's all sorts of holidays. One of those holidays is Employee Day.

Wow, I don't know that one. And that is a holiday you're not going to be sharing with us. Huh, why not? It was yesterday. You guys don't celebrate it? We celebrate it every day here. We do, yeah. Yeah, but unfortunately you don't.

Oh, I see. You're letting me go. Exactly. Okay. And Brett, we're also letting you go. Wow. Right after you finish taking that picture. Well, I'm going to be honest.

I got a little bit of a hard news in response to this. I'm keeping that quarter. Like, that's for services done. Sure. Like, that's not coming back? It was technically your quarter to begin with. Sure. My cocker spaniel had a huge litter of puppies.

I'm driving them around in my beat-up Cadillac. Sean, is your dad still part of this conversation? No, that's Russ. Oh, I'm sorry. Can you hang up on your dad for us, please? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to take him off speaker. I'm not going to hang up just because hanging up abruptly kind of drives me.

Take me off speaker. Wow, is he giving me an impression? That's grand. He's got a disorder. A multiple personality disorder? Yes, yes. Have you ever seen Identity with John Cusack.

Oh, no, no, no. Identity Thief? No. That covers different things that threaten our nation currently. The Movie Thief by Michael Mann because that person was a lot of trouble. And I imagine your dad is like,

Look at all the movies I know over movies yeah it's trouble and my dad is gonna be mad when i get home i imagine i'll be grounded they were born two days ago they're in the trunk they're purebred cocker spaniels they are slick wet and blind i'll take one really sure i'd love to have one well that's great yeah i'm just i'm sharing a three bedroom right now in echo park and i'd love to bring it back. With how many people are you sharing? Five people total. You should move to Los Feliz.

That neighborhood is exploding right now. Exploding. I mean, blowing up. And if you ever, I don't know, if you've ever lived in New York, it's the best neighborhood to transition out of because you can actually walk it. I'd love to do it, but right now my sole revenue as a lawyer is 25 cents that I paid myself, and my law school fees are over $50,000, my law school debts.

Do you juice? I haven't juiced, no. That's cheap for law school debts, I have to say. Yeah. Where did you go to school? I partly paid them off. Oh, with what? Inheritance from my friend's grandmother.

How did you get it? So my wish example hit close to home, huh? Yeah, that's right. It was pretty sensitive. I bilked him out of it. I stole, I mugged him. I stole the money. In a mugging?

Yeah, I mugged him out of his inheritance. He had just walked out of a different lawyer's office with a check, which I hid him and then signed it over to myself. How do... So it's a forgery case in addition to a mugging case that's don't answer that thank you you're still representing him yes well you have a lawyer out of it too that's this has been a great day for me yeah yeah you got a puppy and a lawyer love it so scott if we

have a new opening what do you think would you host Comedy Bye Bye? That was a really good idea they had. What do you mean that's a good idea? We could get something out of this. We could have a second huge show with seven exes. Yeah, I guess I'll do another show. Great. All right, I'll do that in addition to the U2 show. Right. If I wanted to see seven exes, I'd go back to my law school.

What's at your law school? The women I've dated in the past. Oh. I guess they're not there either. But they were at the time. What is your law school? I went to the University of Guelph in Canada. I went to Primson.

Primson? What state is that? I'm not familiar with that. Primson is in southeastern Kentucky, the base of a hill. I bet it's beautiful. Just one hill? Just one hill I bet it's beautiful just one just one hill just one

it's not beautiful it's not beautiful no I always heard that part of Kentucky was beautiful I guess brutal

you're describing the view as brutal I'm sorry that's too bad it's too bad well Kentucky is a beautiful state

in other areas I've heard well thank you guys so much for listening to the $0 Handbook, which I believe is our name going forward. Am I wrong about that, Hayes? Rate us on iTunes. Like our Facebook page. Maybe donate a couple bucks.

Sure, yeah, that would be great. Send it on in to Earwolf. We'd love it. If you're an advertiser or if you have any kind of product at all that you'd like to, the spots are going cheap. You could do Earwolf.com forward slash donate. That's one option. Earwolf.com forward slash advertise.

That would be the main one. That's another option. Earwolf.com forward slash store. I mean, they can't buy any of your merch because you don't have enough fans. I don't need it. I just bought a great sweatshirt from Rob Corddry. I just bought a terrific Earwolf sweatshirt from Rob Corddry. How much did he charge you?

$150. Oh, God. This guy's making me mad. Terrific. It was a terrific, terrific sweatshirt. The embroidery on it is third rate, but I love it. Wow. It was distressed.

This day did not work out the way I thought it would. No, me either alright well well guys we're happy to have you on board for how long is the term we never even talked about that

we didn't agree six years oh man six years is a long time so you guys will be doing the show for six more years alright let's see

that'll be good build up a it's a lot of holiday parties build up a little more steam and get over that hump yeah just the tiniest bit of steam

is going to get us right over the speed bump I feel like we've been sort of teetering on lately. Who's making all those Earwolf store ads we do? When do we see the money for those? Oh yeah, no, never. Really. Because see, we just agreed

to now lose $46,866 over the next six years so can i ask a question what is that device you're using that's a phone that's a it's a phone with a calculator yeah that's amazing yeah that's amazing well how do you calculate numbers i use a slate oh a blinken style okay cole slateate Cole I have to go I have to take a shit Oh We should

End it then I guess It's over Move to adjourn Bye Bye This has been an Earwolf Media Production Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman

For more information Visit Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.