Hollywood Handbook - Scott Aukerman and Sprague The Whisperer, Our CBB World Friends

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

The Boys talk to SCOTT AUKERMAN and SPRAGUE THE WHISPERER (SHAUN DISTON) about trying to join CBB World.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so uh um i'm uh using a squeegee for my um what's the what's the fucking word i'm looking for i'm cleaning the uh you know what i'm talking about haze what is it i've got this i've got a big squeegee and i'm cleaning the your big tushy is that i mean this is real like like this is real like no shows about real life this show is where life happens no i i'm not i'm laughing because i can't believe birth death i was unable to your big tushy with a squeegee no but i've got the squeegee and i'm getting and we're not just so people before we get the comments of like you're so nasty now this

show never used to be so nasty i'm cleaning the outside the sides yeah of course yes of course the side just the side and the back and a little bit of the inside next to the hole and that's it it's barely getting in there so i'm doing this and, of course, as always, while I'm doing it, b-ring, b-ring, the phone rings. And I'm underground. This is life. This is what I'm saying. This is real.

This is real. Any time it's time to squeegee your big tushy. First of all, it rains. How do you know it's going to rain? I just squeegeed your big tushy. First of all, it rains. How do you know it's going to rain? I just squeegeed my big tushy. Right? So, didn't need to do that. Just wasted all that money because I buy a new squeegee every time.

Yes. And I'm in my panic room. So, I'm 15 feet below the Earth's surface. And I've got, you know, everything's manual down there. I don't trust electricity if I have to get in my panic room. So got to like pull myself up on these pulleys and uh by the time i get up there they've hung up and they're already leaving a message on the answer machine that i and it was the cops oh no what do they want just to like for me to go to jail for something so it's like whatever it doesn't matter it's like fucking stupid so they might come by during this

because i told them to get back to me um but we're but we've got a show oh yeah and welcome it's the show hollywood handbook insider's Guide. Scott Aukerman is here. So Sprague, so I have this squeegee and I'm cleaning. All right. What's the word for it? You're rumpus. Yes, thank you. In England, we say rumpus instead of big toshie.

Of course. That's right, of course that's right of course this will be helpful for me let me see let me see how it's really let me see if i would like listening to my show yeah we're taking it out for a little test drive oh sorry oh hey hey sean oh hey guy we were just in the middle of the story sorry you guys were talking you were having your own conversation we were having a side convo waiting for you to bring us into the Zoom room. Yeah, sometimes when we do these things, we like to start out. We go, you know, I'm going to tell a quick story.

And then we just start saying stuff and start stringing together details. Wow, that's so weird. And the story was very similar. But it is Halloween. Oh, it was similar to what you guys were talking about? Yeah, but I guess that is kind of what a lot of people are doing right now. It is Halloween. It's Halloween. Everybody's kind of getting ready to be able to squeeze their costume around their stuff.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it helps if it's wet enough that you can just slide it right over. Just so you guys know, I wasn't doing anything dirty. I wasn't doing inside. Yeah, give a fuck, man. I was just doing the outside a little bit of the crack a little of the inside

mainly spending a lot of time maybe in the inside but not necessarily like you know not covering a ton of ground just picking one little patch and making sure that you get it this is one of those classic Hollywood moments where this Hollywood icon wants to come out

and make it clear how he washes his ass for people. He's like, I wash my ass every other day. I do the outside, not the inside. Yes. And we're always like, whenever someone comes on the show, we're always like, what's the thing that they're trying to get at?

What's the crisis PR that made them come on here? Yeah. And with Scott, it seems like it was that he was watching too much. Putting out a lot of fires at this point, watching too much. And yeah, my people said I should come on to HH. Is this HH PV or this is just pure HH? Kevin decides that after the show. Oh, with how good it came out?

That's why he's in here. What is the criteria, Kevin? Typically the theme song. Oh, God, who's that? Sorry, sorry, we should warn you. God, I'm seeing this guy for the first time. I recognize the voice, I just have never seen you in person. Hi, Scott, I'm Kevin.

I produced your podcast for a little bit. Yeah, I remember. I just, I never talked to, I never, I mean, we were in the same room, but I had my back to you most of the time. It's going to put my face to my name for you. Yeah, you know, now that I see you, your name is exactly what your face is.

It is, right? You don't need, you don't need it. You don't need the face. Yeah, just a bunch of consonants consonants yes a weird last name that's what your face is to me yeah you just hear i could have just heard the name kevin bartell and skipped my now is that how you say that by the way bartelt is that because i believe i called him bartlett the last when i was thanking him for his years of service yeah because I'd only seen it in print you know and of course when I saw it in print it was usually because you know the

we had it fact-checked up till then but um yeah I would only see and he'd never said it to me in person like oh hey by the way my last name is whatever it was that you said Hayes I I'm not quite sure I can't even remember what it was what is it bart belt bar belt bart belt it's it's part belt yeah he's named after bart simpson's belt great dance named after bart simpson's belt which at the time was like a really hot thing you know and because he says like eat my, and it's really like, good luck. With this belt, it's not coming off. It's a challenge. Yes. That's always been the meaning of that.

And I'm sorry to interrupt Kevin Bart Belt, but were you guys at the Simpsons Hollywood Bowl thing? Which one? Which night? All of them. They all came out there and started doing seeds. They started running onto the couch a few different ways and stuff like that. Yeah, were you there? Yeah.

The Simpsons themselves. Not the creators behind the Simpsons. It was the actual Simpsons. I wasn't there, no. Yeah, it was great. I mean, you know, everyone did the Bartman at the end. It was really, really good. So I just wanted to make sure you guys were there. Wow. John Williams came out and did the Bartman.

He scored it. Yeah, he scored the entire Bartman. He scored it. Yeah, he scored the entire Bartman. Oh, my God. The entire time, conducted it. It was amazing. Anyway, Kevin Bartbelt, what's the criteria? I do it by the theme song that I play. So if I play the main feed theme song,

then I'll put it on the main feed. And if I play the pro version theme song, I'll typically make that the pro version. So today's was the main feed. I never knew how that worked. That is so cool. Here, you know, we've been doing this show a long time

and I'm still learning about it. That's really cool. That's a good lesson. Yeah, you know how they put out those like Disney behind the scenes on like how they made Falcon and the Wind of Soldier. You guys should do that.

Like a quick behind the scenes episode of what Kevin has to do. Have you ever done a behind the scenes on like how they made falcon and the winter soldier you guys should do that like a quick behind the scenes episode of what kevin has to have you ever done i should do that hmm you should do that no the both of you should do it i'm gonna do it as a proud disney adult something in in sprog's uh reference point really spoke to my soul. And it just reminded me of seeing those Disney making of things. When I would go, I'd go at 40 years old with my little autograph book. And I would have all the princesses do their signature for me. And then I'd get on the rides. I'd push little kids out of the way and I'd get on the rides.

Is that part of that? Pushing kids out of the way? and I'd get on the rides. Is that part of that? Pushing kids out of the way? I guess I never heard that part of it. No, yeah, you just let the kids go first. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. They have, like, no purpose. They're, like, wandering around. It's like, I know where I'm going.

You have to make a plan when you go to the park. If not, you're in the fucking way, you know? And then you tell them that, like, Princess Jasmine gave you permission, and you write above the signature, Sean can go first on the ride. Hey, I have a serious question for you guys yeah hit me yeah do you do you think you'll ever get to the point and i feel like we're on the cusp like we're just standing on the knife edge right now but but where you know modern family the it won a lot of emmys the american broadcasting company it was a situational comedy revolutionary sitcom yes well a lot of Emmys, the American Broadcasting Company. Sure. He was a situational comedy.

The revolutionary sitcom, yes. Well, a lot of people don't know the behind the scenes of that, which is the two people who created it, Steve Levitan, who cast me on Just Shoot Me, as we all know, and the other guy,

whoever his name is. Oh, no, Christopher Lloyd. He's the same name guy as... Yeah, Doc Brown. That they, after the first season or something, were in such a a feud in a snit that they they separated the writers rooms they would never see each other on set and they would be in charge of every other episode do you guys think you'll get there

i mean i don't want to like get too much into it but like i this is a me episode uh sean is pre-recorded for this one oh okay so wait so we're how are how is this working where like is every do you know everything that we're going to talk about right now how how is this working with what you've been kind of like doing this for a long time yes we know oh okay what you're gonna talk about yeah well hold on let's see what sean says right now see if it fits yeah sure let's see my big tushy yeah it fits yeah okay right gold it back yeah okay so like yes he's gonna be responding to everything that you're saying he is pre-recorded but like that's just because you are so so predictable predictable yes see predictable exactly oh he's back there it is wow he's got it that's pretty good and it's pretty efficient because only what he has to show up you know

that's pretty great yeah let me ask you guys we were talking about okay do you want to do you want an introduction i i don't care no no we, no. We're hijacking this bitch. By the way, we're the hosts of Scott Hasn't Seen. This is Sprague the Whisperer. Scott Hasn't Seen. Scott Aukerman. Stewie. Yes.

Stewie here. CBBWorld, of course. CBBWorld.com. CBBWorld.com. Currently broken under construction. Websites down, which is not anybody's fault. Oh, how weird. That's pretty interesting.com. CBBWorld.com. Currently broken under construction. Website's down, which is not anybody's fault. Oh, how weird. That's pretty interesting.

Okay, we'll try to fix that. Some of the codecs are missing. It's like broken. You know, the little broken. Oh, do you mean the codices? The codices, yes. Some of those look like. The Da Vinci codices.

Some of those look like they fell off. Wait, how did he know how to say the Da Vinci codices? I just riffed that in a moment, I think. Wait, did you honeypot me where you said codexes, and then I corrected you? I led you. Yes, I led you to it. I did sort of the Bugs Bunny hitchhiker female leg.

Oh, my God. And you screeched right to the halt. Yeah, man. It's that pathology I have of correcting people. Hold on. I'm checking out the back end of the website right now because you guys said it was down. I'm checking it out.

Here we are. Okay. It says... Big Tushy? He might want to wash the... Yeah. Yeah, I might want to wash that out. Did he know that I would beat him to it?

Wow. Yeah, that's what it says. It says Big Tushy, so I'm want to wash that down. Did he know that I would beat him to it? Wow. Yeah, that's what it says. It says Big Tushy, so I'm going to erase that. All right. Okay, I'll erase Big Tushy. I think we're back up. All right, this is pretty good. Okay, good.

Should we talk? So you guys are on Patreon. We're not doing Patreon, right? No, we're memberful, which is a Patreon subsidiary. Somehow we got relegated to a subsidiary company. Yeah, yeah. You guys are on the big dogs, the Patreon? which is a patreon subsidiary somehow we got relegated to a subsidiary company yeah yeah we uh you guys are on the big dogs the patreon yeah we went with the main one uh they first of all the website is functional that's like that's what that was probably the biggest selling point for us

and also on the one that you're on every time we brought it up kevin would go i'll give you a member full oh no just to avoid the joke i'm not hearing that yeah joe and he would kind of he would kind of squeeze himself in this way that made me pretty uncomfortable squeeze himself like a part of his body or just his whole like wrap around like that yeah he would do both he would do both it would it was a pretty long routine as a part of his body or just his whole wrap around like that yeah he would do both he would do both it would it was a pretty long routine as a matter of fact where he would like turn his back to you and do the whole like he's kissing a girl yeah he acts like he's making out and then he's like yeah he's doing two different voices of like i want a member full and then he's like well here

you go and it was like a it was not my favorite um kind of routine of his that he does. So I just kind of. I love his Charlie Chaplin. That's the one that I. That's the stuff that I like. The little tramp. With the mustache. He did incorporate that into his memberful routine.

I loved it. He was wearing the little tiny thin mustache and doing his arm in a weird like kind of salute in a way and he had this fun insignia on his on his armband and yeah it was and he was saying things like our bite mocked fry i remember it was one of his catchphrases that's what charlie chaplin said right the little train yeah he's that's his fame i mean he you know it was a silent comedian except for that he would yeah he had the one catchphrase, but he was such a small tramp. Just the littlest. That's the thing that people overlook when they talk about him.

They're always talking about like, oh my God, look how poor he is, and look how baggy his clothes are, and look how he's eating a can of beans on a train car. And a bean for him is like, that's a week of meals is one bean oh god yeah no and it would comedy's gotten away from that and you go to the movies now and you see these enormous tramps yeah well it's cancel culture it's the size of a fucking box it's cancel culture right now and that's you can't do that anymore you can't even say no you can't be yeah you can't sorry can i just say what kum say that. No, you can't be. Yeah, you can't be. Sorry. Can I just say what Kumail had to do just to play a tramp in movies today?

He got so swole just to play a tramp. You should not have to. It shouldn't be required because he's extremely, extremely sick from doing that. You guys, let me ask you, you guys lift weights? I have. This is a segment on our show, by the way, called Do You bro do you even live oh okay yeah okay just go around say your routines probably yeah power cleans into some clean jerks yeah everything okay i'm all yeah so my thing is i just kind of throw the weight and try to catch it

oh like up in the air or or away i'm trying to get it up in the air it doesn't go you know i think i'm working up to that like at some point i think it's going to go up in the air and then i'm going to be able to grab it at some point if you throw it away from you and then you have to run really fast that that works on your endurance yeah i mean i'm in such a small room when i'm doing this scott i don't think it's got much room to roll it has it's put some dents in the wall and stuff but it hasn't gone clean through how big is your home gym is it what is it like 200 square feet or no again the room the room that i'm using as a home gym currently is like it it's it's tiny it's not 200 square feet it's more like um what what was its purpose when you when you bought

your place uh it was a lot oh wait are you renting i'm sorry yeah it was a school locker so it's there's room for a backpack and if i kind of squinch up and kind of like you know little tramp myself in there um I can, you know, I can get both my shoulders in between, but then moving the weight around is like not. It's tough. Yeah. Have you seen the concert for George Harrison where Prince comes out?

They're doing While My Guitar Gently Weeps. And he. I mean, I wouldn't say that's a concert for George Harrison. Tears off this incredible solo. As much as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. and he tears off this incredible solo and then he throws his guitar in the air and it just disappears

and he just walks off stage. That's my routine. So you do that once a day? You throw a guitar? You have to put on a whole concert for George Harrison? All the guys are there. Todd Petty's there.

Did you say Todd Petty? Todd Petty is there. Todd Petty's there. Did you say Todd Petty? Todd Petty is there. Todd Petty showed up. Danny Harrison is there. Danny Aiello. Danny Aiello is there. Danny DeVito. Belbiv DeVito.

Kim, not Kim Deal. Kim Meal is there. Oh. You know what? And Meal, Kim Meal is there. Oh. Yeah, you know what? I was at a... And Meal Young. Meal Young. I was at a kookaroo with the Deal sisters once,

and they totally had a Deal meal there. Oh, wow. Next to me. What does that mean? They ate food? They ate food. I will say they were holding hands the entire time they ate which was very adorable they did it was crazy i just i'm happy knowing that scott is gonna sleep like a fucking baby tonight knowing that he did correct you on the concert for george harrison and that that will

be recorded yeah yeah man how did he know i was gonna correct him about george harrison it was crazy the deal is one of them had to eat with their left hand that was my question yeah yeah then one of them had to train themselves to eat with their left hand in case they ever went to lunch together so they could hold hands the entire time. So it wasn't even in preparation for doing that. It was just in case they ever had to go to lunch to hold hands. It's interesting because in our culture, a handshake does often signify a closed deal.

That is interesting. So perhaps they were just honoring that tradition by like a constant handshake to remind you. How did that get started, Sean? How did? Yeah, well, it was because people were always trying to poison each other. Oh. And so one way that you would prove like, hey, I'm not poisoning you

is you would squeeze the other person's hand so hard that any poison you were holding would surely murder you as well yes got it wow boy how long ago was that was that that was like the 60s and 70s that was i mean specifically i'm not making a joke it was in 69 i really want to i want to laugh at that no i know i know, I know. And I know the temptation, obviously, is to joke when I bring up 69 because it's an absurd sex act. Scott, I want to go back to the sisters. I got a question. So they're holding hands, right?

Is it one of them holding a knife and the other holding a fork and they're working as a team to sort of cut up food and feed each other or come separately i actually think they were doing the improv thing where one of them had their hands behind their back and the other one was behind them and doing everything mockery and styles that makes a lot more sense by the way speaking of 69 and i'm not sprague come on don't laugh come on we're not making a joke we're talking about the i was over visiting my parents recently and i don't know how it came up but i decided to find out the the night i was conceived okay yep and it it was in 69 and And I've made- You were conceived via 69. I've made that joke before of like, I was conceived in a 69, in 69.

But I really wanted to figure out- You've made that joke before. Okay, I just wanted to be clear. I wanted to figure out what day it was. And so I worked backwards, however many weeks it is when you have a child, and found out it was 9-11. Wow. Which is really insensitive and i told them that i was

like guys are you sure you should have been doing unbelievable then it was 9-11 and they were like they were like let's do i'm in the mood let's do mutual hey dad let's do this hey dad why is she calling him dad well he was a dad by the way yeah not only that you know they raw dogged it you know what i mean which is so fun yeah at least where they specifically told me the condom broke okay okay wow well that's what shattered hey dad it's 9 11 throw on this flimsy condom and let's 69 they wanted it to break it's like the condom broke i don't know during the 69 it's like you broke it you know what i mean yeah it's that the passive voice doesn't apply there i really hope when he recorded this a few days ago that he he really anticipated what we were talking about because if he didn't I don't know what he's trying to say right now.

She's really good at you guys are really good at sort of delegating but he's right on. This is what we're talking about. Hollywood Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready to eat meals. Every

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save its members an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and that was i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys that's rocketmoney.com slash the boys rocketmoney.com slash the boys but you know i i mean we did want to it's being a what are we talking about we did want to bring up when you guys get the cbb world stuff like the assignment with the website works yeah

and i'm checking back on it again it is broken again a big piece you're supposed to be a big piece of the website fell off there's's a huge piece. Motherfucker. Shit. And part of it's rusted. Sprague, come on, man. That's your one job. I'm on it. Your one job other than co-hosting the show with me.

This thing is like Skylab. Boy, that's the one thing that didn't fit with what you were saying. That was like a clunker. You think you would have edited that out? I wanted to bring you guys in here to see if you ever get that website up. We would love to join you over there and kind of get away from Patreon. I like Patreon as a service. Patreon is great.

Ours in particular doesn't feel like the right home. If we could keep just Patreon, yeah, that would be great. Right, right. What are you guys doing over there? Because to be honest, once you left my baby, I stopped paying attention to whatever it was that was going on with you. I remember you paying close attention while you were there. Right up until the last day, right?

Giving you producer notes every week. Just constantly trying to make it better. Calling in favors. Leaving little words of encouragement before each episode. I remember that. Legitimately, I do believe Kevin asked me to help with one guest, and I was unable to get him. Okay.

Okay. Do I know about those little ted lasso pep talks that you would come in yeah that's right before that was like what it was all about for me what was the guest i consider them to be mitt romney pep talks now because he's sort of taken over that role so what kind of show would you i mean i guess yeah what what do you guys do over there we got got a pretty high bar. We're not married to any of the stuff that we've done. We want to try to fit into your brand a little more. Oh, yeah, cool.

That would be amazing. Even one show would be huge. Just like one episode. One episode of one show? One episode of one show would be awesome. We will absolutely leave behind everything that we're doing. Kevin, of course, is a dead ghost to me. He's not welcome to join us.

Yeah. Well, let me be honest with you. Okay, so CBB World, for people who don't know what it is, it's sort of an expansion of the CBB universe in a way. It's an immersive experience. Oh, it's an immersive experience oh it's an immersive experience it's a metaverse but why not call it the cbb metaverse or universe instead of world but i thought oh metaverse how about this the betaverse and it's cbb world shit meta world

peace averse but betaverse is spelled b-e-t-a betaverse And that's not just that it's, yeah, that's not because of... Because we're a beta cuck? I, you know, I'm saying it's not for that reason. Okay. But so, it really is about, you know, fans of the show and people who listen to the show every week and still listen to it for free and all that kind of stuff, but it's really for the people who

want to spend a little more time with our best guests and the people who are, you know, really important to the show for them to, to kind of expand and do what they want. And quite honestly, like you guys were on the show a few times,

but it was mainly because memories, it was mainly because you were passing through the studio. Did happen a couple of times. Yes. I remember one anniversary show in particular, you had just finished your own show, and I said, oh, well, stick around, do the first five minutes,

and only the first five minutes. That was awesome. Yeah, that is the fucking best. But now that you guys have left my baby, you know, it's like when you have a friend and they have, you know, they have a boyfriend for several years, you know, and she's your good, good friend, and they have a a boyfriend for several years you know and they're and and she's your good good friend and they have a boyfriend and then they leave you know they break up it's

like how how often am i gonna talk to this other guy you know what i mean do you know what i mean you know and you guys let me clarify a little bit you guys are i'm boyfriend your boyfriend okay yeah i got lost in that scenario i was like am i gonna hook up with my friend here sean is okay so she's fine sean is sean is baby the boyfriend is baby baby i'm basically guys guys i'm basically saying what would happen if you guys kissed and we and we've never seen that on the show and the tension has been building up like like moonlighting. Honestly, it turns out nothing. And like, no point in doing it on the show.

Nothing happened. So it's like the woos that you would normally hear when something like that happens. Like, did Urkel, Sprague, did Urkel ever kiss anyone? Oh, yeah. He kissed Myra a lot. That was his other nerd girlfriend. He was all over Myra. A lot of woos, a kiss anyone? Oh, yeah. He kissed Myra a lot. That was his other nerd girlfriend. He was all over Myra. A lot of woos, a lot of woos, yeah.

Was there ever a virginity loss episode of Family Matters? Yeah, there's this episode where he goes into the transformation machine and he comes out and he says, I lost my virginity. So I guess he just jerked off in there or something. I don't remember. It's an old show, Scott. You're asking me all this family matters. Well, that's an old show scott you ask me all this family well that's that's what our show is is like you've seen all these old movies and i haven't seen them and i mean that's that's see the thing about that is it's a it's a sustainable premise

you know like what's your guys sustainable premise you guys want to talk about hollywood or i could say we yeah we don't want to do that anymore we could but I well if you want us to we will go back to anything you go back to the reality shows stuff I mean that was not really I remember that meeting when you guys pitched me the reality show show it was it was it was electric huh oh well I mean it was a cloudy day it was very overcast and um and it was very it was very dark i remember it was a dark dark day as if an omen would come in well i just you know i mean i remember i had my darkest sunglasses on yeah and we were also sitting under an umbrella an umbrella yeah yeah a lot of shade very shade but no reason for there to be shade

because there were so many clouds in the sky. It's almost like a nuclear winter had fallen over the valley. Do you mind me saying it was in the valley? I can't remember if we met there because I lived there or because you guys lived there. I've never lived there.

Couldn't be me. I remember it. Oh, that's right. It was about 20 paces from my house. That remember it. Oh, that's right. It was about 20 paces from my house. That's right. Okay. That's why I was willing to go there. But yeah, yeah.

I remember that day. So you could have a duel if it came to that from your house. I could say like, okay, let's take 20 paces, and then I'm just slam the door in my house, and they try to shoot through the door. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But here's a pitch for what we want to do.

Just a possible CBB world. I think it's great. If you want to keep that, that's great. That's fine. Just a thought. CBS world. Okay. Right.

Okay. I like where you're going with this ghosts that's a show just came out yeah be positive okay are you are you talking to ghosts right now or are you ghosts be positive ghosts it's your time of year i want to see game faces out there be positive gang i what about cbs radford world.com cbs radford world.com so the studio yeah the great studio so the studio lot specifically where they still do hold an honorary parking spot for les moonves right in the front. He'll be back. They can't assign it to anyone else, but they also cannot

have him park there. Yeah. Speaking of ghosts. Where they tape The Bachelor, and they used to tape Seinfeld, I believe, there. The Big Brother house, maybe? Big Brother house right there.

I Love Lucy, I believe, was there. Maybe not. house maybe? Big Brother house right there. I love Lucy I believe was there. Maybe not. I don't know. I'm just pulling stuff out of my ass right now. Go Brooklyn Nine-Nine over there. Brooklyn Nine-Nine was definitely there. AP BIO AP BIO

was there. I thought it was APBO there. Yeah, it is. It's APBO. Funny show was APBO. Yeah. It is. It's Ape-BO. Funny show. Ape-BO. Yeah. As a teacher, he has... Is it Jane Goodall? Yeah.

From the neck down, he's an ape. His character's name is Jake Goodall. I don't know what my mom did with those apes, but I inherited something. I know I don't know what my mom did with those apes but i but i don't smell so good well i think this is a good idea i mean where would you guys fit into that though i don't really know i guess that's a good point we probably are not no we're not a part of that i i i had a a really quick idea and this is just, I just feel like it's, I know that it's in the realm of things you like. What if we just did a show?

We haven't seen Scott C. So it's, so you're doing Scott hasn't seen. Yeah, this is good. A spin-off always works. There's so many more things that maybe you've seen and maybe you didn't, but I wasn't there. We haven't seen it. Yeah. You know?

This is legitimately. We haven't seen't, but I wasn't there. This is legitimately... We haven't seen Scott's scene. I wasn't there, too. Legitimately, if you guys want to do a show called Hayes and Sean Haven't Heard, Scott Hasn't Seen, and you talk about it's like an after show wrap-up

show where you haven't listened to our episode. Oh, yeah. That's great for me. If you legitimately want to do this... We speculate on what we think happened in each's great for me if you legitimately want to do this happened in each episode yeah if you legitimately want to do this show yes you have we have and you would have to make kevin listen to every episode so he can kind of just chime in with those great chime-ins he's the best at chime-ins but i that i can see there being like one big issue with that right off the top I'm gonna listen yeah I mean that's the problem I mean we've got

catnip dude I'm not staying away from that and it also that idea steps a little bit on my other pitch which is Parks and Recollection no need to change the title but it's just me remembering parks episodes only i haven't seen most of them that's pretty good i like this it's out of order we don't have

rob we don't have alan what are what are the things you legitimately remember about parks and recreation any episode anything about them well there was a character named Matt Murbles who worked at their sort of Google type company. Okay, you played this person, I'm assuming. How does it feel because I have first-hand knowledge of this. How does it feel to a

producer who casts you on the show? I'm assuming you didn't audition because that would have killed the deal, but it's someone who just knows you, like favor to a friend. Because I've been in this position with you. To cast you on this show and go like, you know what? Sean needs some extra bucks. He obviously could use a little cash all up.

His whole gym is like a freaking locker or something. He has that unquenchable yearning for fame. So any kind of camera time will be great for him. To cast you on their show and then have you just shit on them. Can I just say, it is quenchable. It is. At some point he will have his fill. If he gets really famous, he'll be like, that's awesome.

My first will be slaked. What if you became friends level famous? I can't imagine that ever happening for you but i'm one of the friends you're you're that level of fame is famous as all the friends yeah so i'm like a matt leblanc type mega celeb yeah or swimmer or any swimmer i mean at that point you'd have a successful podcast what if if that happens to me? Yeah. Yeah. Then I might drop one podcast. So you would still be doing podcasts because you just can't get enough.

You have that hole in your soul that just can't be filled. Love of the game, baby. Yeah. I don't do this. It's very clear I don't do it for the listeners. So why am I doing it? Right. I get it. but back to my

original question how does it how does it how how is it how do you feel guilt about that to to basically like because i cast you on my show and hayes you were busy and yeah of course you have a very busy career and sean is he sean you were doing nothing and so you know we put you into the uh the allison janney episode and you had you had uh you know and i thought you did a great job and you were you were very funny and um i think i even told you when i was editing like you were making me laugh you know during it and stuff and then to have you just shit on me the show what where did i shit on the show maybe it's the tone of your voice I don't know what it is

maybe it wasn't actually specifically you shit on the show as much as I feel like you're shitting on me to have me bring up the show at all this may be I'm but a mirror Scott I have nearly reflection I am a butt mirror Scott you use me i have your reflection i'm a but i am a butt mirror scott

you use me to make sure the squeegee is getting to the patch okay you previously identified as a problem area in any case but scott i want to say thank you for putting me on the show thank you for telling me that I was making you laugh in the edit. And I am sorry if I ever made you feel like I watched your show and didn't like it. Wait, are you...

Are you... First of all, you're apologizing if you made me feel something. That's not a real apology, but... Oh, okay. But did I make you? Yes. I feel like you're also saying you're apologizing

if you made me feel like you watched the show. You didn't finish the sentence. And didn't like it. Because you never watched it? Scott, we're going to get down to the little teeniest, pettiest detail of every grain of sand. I do not believe you did not watch your own episode there's nothing you love more than just the sound of your own

voice you had to have watched your episode and now admittedly it was on ifc and not everyone can afford the famously easy to get not everyone can afford basic cable plus yeah very accessible no i i was able to see clips of my performance i was able to find little like they were using it as like the bumpers the bumpers in between episodes no before other videos oh okay like if i went to watch videos oh okay like if i went to watch like a garfunkel and oats episode oh okay i'd see like half a line of my dialogue because they only did they only did five episodes you had time to watch those but you know you didn't have time to watch your own episode of my show it's not a it's not a time issue scott really what is i mean it was qc what is it let me ask you this would you like it better if it was a time issue i gotta say hayes this is incredible that he's timed out this incredibly

deep conversation with scott it's never we talked about about this he said that like this hadn't come up before he knew that this was gonna come hasn't done He knew that this was going to come up. Sean hasn't done the show in a while. Can I admit something? Sean and I actually got together a few days prior and we knew this would be a really hot scene so we got David Mamet to write that scene. And then I

crossed out all the F words because I just find them distasteful. It's too nasty. It's also not what like a businessman would say yeah you know i mean he's in a professional environment it's like they're these guys are at work yeah i would call hr immediately if someone was like third place is you're fucking fired i'd be like excuse me uh we have an hr issue here yeah you know what i think you guys could do on CBB World?

Okay. Here's what we do, Scott. We have a CBB Presents, and it's like an annual award show. And who are the two dynamic hosts? Hayes and Sean. And they're roasting people. And they're doing sketches about each of the podcasts. I don't think we can ever.

Yes, we're Ricky Gervais. You guys have both had Ricky Gervais. You guys have both had on Ricky Gervais. Every time they're so mad at us, but they brought us back again. All the sacred cows of podcasting get skewered by the master. And every time I'm Ricky, and I'm like, oh, I promise I won't do it again.

Please, I'll be good this time. We're just having a laugh, aren't we? I don't know, guys. First of all, if we were to start a CBB World Awards show, somehow Conan O'Brien would probably win those. Okay! Can we talk about this?

This guy sucks. He's sucking up everything in our universe. He's like one of those sandworms in Dune. But secondly, I just don't think we can ever have two straight white males as hosts of an award show together ever again you know i mean okay yeah it's tough stuff yeah that's you know you want us to kiss again this is keeps coming back the straight part i guess wasn't wasn't okay part that I had issue with. It was mainly the color of your skin. Right.

Okay. And your cultural appearance and, you know. Right. The fact that it haze right now, you have your hair in dreadlocks, which is just insensitive, I think. Well, he just came back from Miami Beach. I get it, but... You try going to Miami

for three days and come back without dreadlocks. They do that when you get off the plane like in Hawaii, they give you a lay. So that's an issue. And if everyone who got an award was also white, that solves it or no? Yeah, would that help? We want to call it the White Podcast Awards.

If that was the case, to be honest, Carl Todd would have to host that. You probably would just call it the Podcast Awards and it would be the same thing. Yeah. Okay. We can workshop that. You guys have like a merch table show.

Merch table? While people are. Merchandise tabe, I mean, is what we call it. Yeah. Like something where like while people are listening to Scott Hasn't Seen. They can like turn that down. And then suddenly we're there and we're like, hey, what's up? Oh, I see.

So you guys are like outside the concert in case like someone goes to the bathroom during the actual program like oh hey by the way the lines aren't very long right now they will be once the show is over why don't you buy some merch or like uh if people have like a second phone these are like the consumers that you want really these people that like disposable income that like just put their phone down to listen to a show and then put another phone in the bathroom and so when they go to the bathroom we're in there but then we're the merch table show right yeah that's pretty good i guess i just i don't know how we would fit it into the actual show that we're doing i mean it's yeah and also i don't know if we need two straight white guys selling merch let me really

that too we can't do that either well it's castle culture baby oh well it's more of a thing i guess the optics are pretty bad yeah people want to imagine when they go to a merch table, the people selling it are like what, it's aspirational, what they want to be. And to see like two dorky white guys wearing the merch, it's like, no, they want like a cool African-American guy. You're right. You know.

It's true. You need a diverse guy to wear this shirt that says Schmeiderberg Pretzel Factory Dusseldorf Deutschland. Only Smalls and XXLs available still. Oh, man. Is that really a shirt? Wow. That's great.

Man, we're diversifying. I love it. So the website's back up, Hayes? You on the website right now? So the shirt was on there for a second, then the shirt caught fire. Shit, okay. I thought that was going to happen.

The shirt's broken. God damn it. Sprague, you have one job. I'm on it. I'm on it. Fix everything. That's your one job. Let me ask you guys this.

What if me and Scott, what if we did a... Scott hasn't seen the pro version. What do you guys do on that? Have you guys copyrighted? Have you copyrighted pro version? Is that something we could do if we wanted to do a second show? That would be amazing. That could be huge for us.

There's a lot of times people start podcasts and to be honest, they don't look into the fact that is there another podcast with the same name? This has happened so many times and then people complain and they have to change the name. What if we did that and just stole your name? Could be amazing if people Googled us or Googled you and then like accidentally. Yeah, let's be a little more realistic about this. Not like click on us. I mean, like obviously they're not going to click on us,

but even just seeing us. They'll see it so that they're not confused when your names come up in other places. Yeah. That could be awesome. What's the most Googled term? Maybe we work backwards. What's the most Googled thing in the world?

Right, right, right. Like The Beatles? Probably rice or something how to cook rice okay so what great so let's let's make a show with you guys called how to cook rice and that way that way anytime anyone looks this up on google suddenly you guys are there i hate to do this to myself but two straight white guys teaching you how to cook rice? Yeah. Is anybody buying this? I'm going to pitch this to Kulop.

You're right. You guys can't do that. I don't think it's a good idea for you guys to get into it. I just looked this up. It turns out the most Googled question is, is it nighttime? Which makes perfect sense.

They have nighttime everywhere in the world. Is it nighttime wait is that most googled question for like kidnap and so we if we do that show all right is this not google or just like what's outside a window what are you looking at right now i'm on google and it looks like it looks to me like what gets googled most often is shame comma Fassbender movie. No, that's your own search algorithm popping up. Okay, because

it doesn't matter what letter I put in. It auto-completes to that. Yeah. So, I don't know what to tell you. It seems like that maybe would be the podcast we should do. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. I don't know what to tell you it seems like that maybe would be the the podcast we should do yeah maybe maybe i don't know guys i don't i don't i'm not loving any of these ideas i do

i do semi like have you seen that movie no no i've not is that the one you want to do because you guys already did the the space jam 2 a new legacy Yeah. I mean, you can just do it. We can also sell you ideas, like how on Curb they have writers come in and they pay you $35 for an idea. Or you could fax me ideas. Yeah, exactly. We can submit. Do you see how well I was like...

If I buy an actual fax machine for my house and I'm faxing you in jokes every morning, ideas for the podcast. Okay, here's a real question, Sean. Uh-huh. Okay, say that I called you up and I said, I'm going to pay you $1,000 a week to do that for real. Uh-huh.

Would you do it? Every morning, and I'm like, every morning I want you to take one hour in the morning, write down any idea you have for the podcast or jokes or anything like that, fax them to me. I'll pay you $1,000 a week. Would you?

And if so, how long before you got sick of it and quit? I would do it. You would would do it i have to buy a fax machine fax machine comes included i'll find an old give me a fax machine yeah i loan you a fax machine if you ever quit i take it back and nothing will and nothing will ever be accepted you're saying that ahead of time it might be i i might it will be but i i'm doing this because i genuinely like your point of view probably not but but more than that i just like the idea of you spending time thinking about me every single morning having to get up in the morning and do it

because i already you know i i get up pretty early as it is to be to parent uh-huh so what we're looking at that is i'm probably having to get up at like 6 a.m to do this yeah well i'm i'm i tape my shows at 7 a.m as you know so i need them by seven so need them by seven yeah that's good that good because my because that's when my kid gets up so i would do it how long before i got tired of it it It's $1,000 a week, you said? $1,000 a week, yeah. Okay. I wonder if we can make money on this coming and going. So let me...

Yeah, hit me. What's your pitch? The guy doesn't even do rejected jokes on that thing anymore. Yeah. Oh, my. The guy hasn't done it. Sonic hasn't done it in years. The shit's laying dormant forever.

Yes. But it's a brand people know it's a brand exactly and it comes like minute made yeah and so we say like hey we'll rent this uh this domain name basically it's all this is a domain name we'll rent this from you for a thousand dollars a week this guy knows computers and then we we put sean's rejected jokes on there so like we're building a a clout we're building a community that way rejected vague podcast notions yes and we should call that scott hasn't seen the pro version and then we'll license the name pro version from you guys for 25 cents an episode and then we sell ads on his this is a good deal

through his twitter that's cool and then i and then i also make a video where i perform some of the some of them that haven't gotten like rob wriggle comes in and does one does what yeah big winds up big swing you know yeah i think i think this is not a bad idea scott i think this feels like it could this could get us all going pretty good. For about 50 grand a year. That makes me not want to pitch anything else in this episode. Yeah, we're looking at 50 Gs. 50 Gs a year, and I would be happy to pay it to you just to force you to always be thinking about me.

Because I feel like it would bleed into the night before you'd go to bed and you'd start dreaming about me and everything. It's not every day, right? I get weekends off. What do you consider to be a weekend? Yeah, we're going to have to talk about what Thursday to Tuesday. The writer's weekend. All right.

So, you know what? We're recording an episode pretty soon, Sean, and maybe we can get a little taste. We're going to be talking about the movie Friday pretty soon, me and Scott. And what kind of jokes would you pitch? That's the ice cube vehicle. No, I know the film, yeah. Don't tell me anything about it because I haven't seen it.

Sorry, the ice cube vehicle is Are We There Yet? That's the one with the vehicle. Okay, Hayes, that's a pretty good one right that's all listen to yourselves though guys ice cube vehicle like a car for ice cubes like that's an idea right there like sean that's mine that's my idea okay that's pretty good like what what is it is it like it's made of ice too? Or it's got fire on the sides of the car? Is it like an ice tray with wheels on the side or something? Yeah. Let's pitch on this.

All of this is mine. You're really good, man. I gotta say. Yeah. This is gonna be a good deal for us. It's gotta be a convertible, right? You can fill it up with water and drive it right into the freezer. That's the one part i don't like

about the idea yeah and that part and that and that part i'm not married to this guy's a pro has anyone ever gotten married to an idea just to like so in the writer's room they can buy be like by the way i am married to this idea and then they show pictures from the ceremony and the marriage license and everything. I like to think my wife married the idea of me rather than what I actually was at the time. And by the way, Sean, for the listener, you're like sitting in front of the saddest exercise machine that has like a towel over it.

It's almost like we've gone into a spooky- Well, the screen's so bright. We've gone into a spooky haunted house and there's just like sheets over everything that hasn't been used it's miss havisham's elliptical yeah that's a very smart very very smart right so you know towels there and bonus you can wipe off your sweat oh wait this is for her this is for her you bought this for her uh well yeah in a manner of speaking yeah i mean i i bought it for me but that's for her oh okay it was her christmas present hey i'm gonna i'm gonna occasionally use this for about three weeks and then never think about it ever again this guy doesn't know my elliptical schedule is there uh do you have codes discount codes for um for that and for the

monthly pass this is really exciting hayes i'm so glad you asked this no we're going codeless at cbb world that was a big decision that sprague and i wanted to make yeah we we we looked at every podcast subscription service out there and said look at all these codes out there they get confusing like what it was like the matrix they were all kind of coming down in green and i couldn't understand what was going on like your codes are probably like you know like podcast shit or dumb things to listen to or whatever it's just just, it's too much. It gets to be like, oh God, I don't even know what these codes are anymore. Tushy squeegee.

Yeah. We decided to streamline at CBB World and go completely codeless. People pay what they pay when they come to us. Yeah. It's an innovation. It's an absolute innovation. Here's an idea,

just going off of like things that are often googled maybe related to podcasts and this is just the title and then we have to go and we probably will have to go yeah but this is you have to go wait you let us yeah we gotta we gotta no you let us go and then you wrap it up hayes often we might do another 15 minutes after you guys go one thing you might not understand about hayes is he has to go. Yeah. What you might not understand about Sean is he wants to talk after. Okay. Hayes, I thought you quit show business.

Yeah, that's why I have to work very, very hard. I mean, it's not an election year. You quit show business. What's on your plate right now? I mean, I have to. So, for example, what do I have to so for example like right after like what do i have to go do right after this i guess i have to you know i like work with the people now like i work like with the city we haven't really talked about this on the show but like this is what i do now and so uh-huh every night i have to give everyone a little kiss.

Everyone in the city of Los Angeles? I have to give everyone in the city a goodnight kiss, yes. Wait, so I've gotten a goodnight kiss from you for how long? Did you sleep last night? Let me think about this for a second. I remember a bunch of Zs. Okay, yeah, so that you got a goodnight kiss. That was sleeping. Oh, okay.

You've gotten one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and every night before. I mean, I've only been doing it for like three and a half months. Oh, yeah. Every night before. I mean, I've only been doing it for like three and a half months. You've gotten a little kiss from me every night. When you come into my room and you see me sort of curled up on my pillow, butt sticking in the air,

presented to you just out there. Your little pajama flap down. Are you kissing my butt? No. Okay, you're going around for a cheek. Flat down. Are you kissing my butt? Or are you trying to... Okay, you're going around for cheap. All right. I never kiss anyone's butt.

If there was a home invasion... And I tip you over. I gently tip you over. That's why you wake up on your side. Yeah, I do sleep on my side in the morning. If there was a home invasion and you suddenly heard someone breaking into your house and you didn't have a weapon on you,

because guns are very dangerous inside the house, and you got this idea and you were like the person came into your bedroom and you just had your exposed ass out there just waiting for them do you think that deters a home invader or does that when was the last time i squeegeed great you have a fresh squeegee from just that very evening oh it was a fresh squeegee that complicates that no that's a damn welcome matt yeah you're right you're right but hey sean what did you want to ask you said you had a you know i just i don't want to pitch it because i know hayes is going to end it right afterwards and it's really not a closer okay we can we can keep going no i mean we shouldn't but

you know but basically the idea was and it's just the title i have nothing else it's the joe rogan inexperience oh so like what he's never done before oh yeah you know like or maybe just or maybe just five minutes away from joe rogan just a break yeah just five minutes when you are not experiencing joe rogan i actually like this title better like five minutes away from joe rogan and then it's just you guys talking and then people are like god thank god i mean it's not good we could change the hollywood handbook show to that yeah that would probably be closer to what we're doing i go to say i go to say huge problem though there's one big problem for that kind of show to have two straight white guys hosting. Yeah.

Without muscles, too? Without muscles, you know? They're just like, ooh, one of them went to Harvard or something. We had a lot of trouble there. Which one of you went to Harvard? I legitimately can't handicap this. Yeah, I'm confused by that. Who went to Harvard?

Was it Kevin? Either? Come on. Fess up. So I think Sean thought that. A school in Cambridge. Sorry, I apologize. It was Sean. either come on fess up so i so i think sean sorry it was it was sean sorry i apologize it was sean i think sean thought that we were gonna end by this point so i said like oh he turned off his tape so he's out of yeah i think he thought i think he said he thought that wasn't okay uh oh he left his tape running he left it on it on. He said it wasn't the closer,

but I think he thought it actually was the closer. We'll be able to edit around some of his stuff. Who's he talking about? Thank God he's not being specific about who he's talking about. Well, it's easier to do it when there's no video. People aren't going to feel the jump cuts or anything.

Thank God he's not being specific. Before he says anything else, just... You think it's you. Yeah, I mean, I just don't want to... I don't even want to get him to say another

inflammatory thing. Something that he wouldn't want us to hear. This is a lot like when Matt Walsh used to call me accidentally. He used to butt dial me and leave like seven to ten minute long messages where he's talking to his wife. I want to hear what he says to whoever he's talking to a little bit more.

Okay, I really think that we should and he's probably not even going to say anything else. I mean, it sounds like the tape is still going. I still hear a hiss. Uh-huh. I mean, it sounds like the tape is still going. I still hear a hiss. Okay, that's not really what I was hoping for. Yeah, I mean. But at least it tells us he's still going. This is at the end of the show, like Kevin will also talk for a really long time.

I had two long pitches we didn't get to. Yeah. like Kevin will also talk for a really long time. I had two long pitches. We didn't get to. So yeah. And that's also kind of the reaction with Kevin pitches, a really long thing. The reaction is usually kind of like a, uh, yeah, we should really do that.

Rejected jokes idea. Bye. Bye. This week on the Patreon, Carl and Hassan discuss the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. This week on the Patreon, Carl and Nassan discuss the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict, the boys talk to musician Chris Farren, and the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes

at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.