Hollywood Handbook - Scott Aukerman, Our 199th Episode Guest

Episode Date: August 22, 2017

Sean and Hayes welcome SCOTT AUKERMAN into the studio to help him with a huge problem he has. This episode is sponsored by Wohven (www.wohven.com code: theboys), Stamps.com (www.stamps.com code: HANDBOOK) and ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/THEBOYS).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You say go, and we speed shuck. Me and Jonathan. Pat Boban. Stop. Stop. You told me this already. Okay. You told me this before. I don't want to hear this again. Okay, well, if you could, so that is actually, I'm so glad. I certainly don't want to say it again.

Okay, I'm really glad that I have told you this before because I was getting to a point where I was realizing I didn't remember how it ends. Well, you speed shucked so hard that you blacked out. Okay. And then it was something about you woke up in the hospital. Yeah. And then the doctors told you that like there was so much corn silk in your bloodstream.

Yeah, okay. That you were technically becoming a scarecrow. Okay. scarecrow. Okay. And then you were like mad at them and started ripping out your IVs and stuff and like swinging around the IV stand with the hospital staff like, get back, get back. And then you like obviously blacked out again. Yeah.

And then you woke up again. And then at this point you had on like the hat and you had like a stick that you were stuck on. Yeah. And you had the straw coming out of your... And who did that? The doctors did that? Well, I mean, it seems like you did it to yourself.

I mean, you ignored the doctor's orders. They gave you pretty strict advice. Oh, that sounds like something I might do is... They were saying I was becoming a scarecrow, and so I would say like, I want to do that. Yes. I'm doing it on purpose. Yeah, because you never can admit your mistakes right away.

When I black out, I get very stubborn. And you go like, yeah, I know. Of course I'm becoming a scarecrow. That's what I wanted. And then you were in that corn maze for that whole Halloween season. Well, that's good. I had a good story. I'm so glad.

I know, I know, but it's just like I just don't want to hear it again. But I just don't want to hear it again. Hi, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Button Dropping Names and the Red Carpet Linebacker. Hollywood Handbugs. We are podcasters, and we work in entertainment, but we can also be fans of people. Sorry, yes.

Hollywood Handbugs. I didn't hear that you said that. Okay, but go ahead. It's gross, but that's funny. We have people that we admire and we look up to in this business, and one of them is Scott Aukerman, and we just want to join the chorus of adults and babies and all the people that love Comedy Bang Bang and say,

you did it so well. White people. Yes. Everyone has been saying podcasts and comedy podcasts, you know, from adults to babies to white people all love comedy podcasts. And we are a part of that same group, and we also love to laugh. Yeah, and we love just like the stuff that we hear about you doing is so an accomplishment, and we just think like hooray. And the number of them.

Yeah. Big number. I'm sorry. Have you introduced me or? Oh, I think I did. I definitely thought I said Scott Ockerman. You didn't say. That's right.

I'm sorry. And this is part of my admiration for you that it is such a well-oiled machine on your show that it's like you do a very formal introduction every time. Two minutes and 30 seconds you have to introduce the guest. That's how you podcast. Hey, Scott Ackerman's here. Milk was a bad choice. It's huge. It's so funny. And we are sorry that we couldn't make it for the 500th episode.

Oh, my God. I felt like shit about that. You couldn't make it to the 500th episode? Yes, just so crazy. Well, one thing is I couldn't get in my email. Yeah. What happened with your email? The Sony hack.

Oh, okay. You were involved in the Sony hack? You were hacking Sony? Well, I was so scared of it. Oh, I see. I was like, if I go in, somebody's watching me, then they hack me, then they send my stuff to Sony. I had a similar thing.

Do you know about this I Love You virus? No, I haven't heard about this I Love You. This is this major virus. AIDS. Yes. Oh, AIDS. This is this major virus. AIDS. Yes. Oh, AIDS. I think that's what he's talking about. No, this is something different.

I've heard. No, I was talking about a computer virus. Oh, okay. Yeah. But AIDS is sort of an I love you virus. It is. Yeah, I don't think people refer. Yes, people are always referring to the negative elements of it, but it is.

But it's a very loving act. It is a result of love. Oh, what? You don't want people to love each other? Yeah, but it is. But it's a very loving act. It is a result of love. Oh, what? You don't want people to love each other? Yeah, well, that's what it's trying to stop. So anyway, yeah, the email. I'm sorry, are you talking about your computer virus? I don't know about this.

The I love you virus. Yes. Someone sends a message that says I love you. Someone sends you a message that says I love you. And if you say it back. It's not a normal one of those. So yes, if you're like people like us, you are getting messages like this all the time. And you see when it says I love you and if you say it back it's not a normal one of those so yes if you're like people like us you are getting messages like this all the time and you see when it says I love you you click on it and sometimes it's animated in like a fun way where it's like

valentine's come out like a jib jab yes yes this is a jib jab virus yes it's a virus that tricks you into thinking it's a loving jib jab a loving jib jab yes and it gives you the opportunity to like be santa or whatever. Right, right. Put your own face into Santa. Your face is in one of the elves. Wait, your face is one of the elves or Santa? Because I want to be Santa in that situation. I don't want to be one of the elves.

Well, that works out great because I'd like to be one of the elves. Oh, okay. So you and I are in the jib jab together. You guys could be a great jib jab. What about Mrs. Claus? Who do you see as Mrs. Claus in this situation? Oh, Engineer Ryan. Engineer Ryan.

Oh, yeah. That was my first thought as well. And who are you? Blitzer. Blitzer. Got it. Yeah, Wolf Blitzer. Wolf Blitzer.

Yeah. That would be funny when you really think about it. I wonder if CNN has ever thought about that for their Christmas card. Like Donner. Tapper. Richard Donner. Oh, it works so funnily. Tapper and Blitzer and Lemon and Cooper.

I mean, it's like so... And Lorde. Not anymore. Yeah. Oops. They shouldn't talk about that. I don't think that should be in the jib-jab. Yeah. Witch hunt. Yeah, probably not witch hunt. Hashtag witch hunt. Yeah, probably not witch hunt. Hashtag witch hunt. So anyway, the email is on the – Yeah, email is on the fridge.

Say you open up an email. Almost everyone you open has that animated skull made out of numbers. It's going like – Oh, the one I've seen in movies. Yes. It's like every other email now is like this. Yes. And it's from like the dark demon.

You've been hurt by the dark demon. It's like constantly happening now. Sorry, to me, laughing is not scary. You said that you love to laugh, by the way. Yes. I've never heard you laugh. Yes. Well, it's a very private act for me.

What does it sound like? When I laugh? Yeah. Hmm. Kind of putting me on the spot. Yeah, can you do it right now? Spot, Aukerman. Yeah, so that's kind of my laugh.

It's a very pleasant, lilting laugh, and it's, Oh, boy. I can't, yeah. I wonder what your loved ones think of that. Oh, gosh. Well, you'd have to ask them, you know. I wonder what your loved ones think of that. Oh, gosh. Well, you'd have to ask them. You know, I try not to. Have they ever been your loved ones in their entirety?

Have they ever been on this program? My loved ones personally? Yeah. Hmm. I guess I love all my guests. Yeah. It's interesting that you would separate the idea of loving someone from having them as a guest on your podcast. Because we are, we do love all our guests and we are in love with all of them as

well. We love you and we're in love with you. And I love you, Scott. And I'm in love with you, Scott. Okay. Well, I like you guys. And that includes the engineers who are human beings. And it would be nice if you said that to the engineer as well. You know what? To be honest, it's a little tough to even see them anymore. So for me, it's actually very easy, and I make a real effort to see them all the time, and I will look at Engineer Ryan and say, Engineer Ryan, I love you, and I'm in love with you. Engineer Ryan, you're a human being, and I love you, and I'm in love with you. Thank you.

I guess I understand, understand like loving the human race as a people. We're all part of the collective consciousness. I mean, Engineer Ryan in particular, I don't think that I love as like an individual,

but as part of, you know, human beings in general. So it's purely sexual and there is no love component to it. There's probably nothing sexual

about me and Ryan. I mean, Ryan, we were on tour together. I don't think there was anything sexual that ever happened. What happens on tour? I don't think there was anything sexual that ever happened. What happens on tour?

I don't think so. What happens on tour? Sean? Oh, what happens on tour? And it stays on tour. And there's definitely a charge, and they're definitely juiced up, and they're sort of – it's not that they're locking eyes and having this sort of intense gaze.

It's actually more telling that they won't look at each other as if maybe there's something they don't want to remember from what happens on tour. It is charged when you're on the road. There is like road dogging is definitely a phenomenon. Road dog, yes. Yeah, and there's a term. Hit that shit, road dog and bail.

There's a term called road head, which maybe you've heard of. Yeah. Occasionally we would play around with of like, oh, do we do roadhead today? Yeah, go with it. Fancy a roadhead? Yeah. Give roadhead.

Yeah. Hey, we've been on the road for a week now. Where's my roadhead? Yeah, haven't had roadhead in four days. Yeah. Yeah. Some good, I mean, when you're on the road, you want at least one roadhead.

Yeah. Well, otherwise, why go on the road? Exactly. Because you could just stay home. Yeah. Homehead. Yeah. It's otherwise, why go on the road? Exactly. Because you could just stay home. Yeah, home head. Yeah. It's fine. Home head.

I think it sucks. I hate it. Yeah. You've heard of bed head? Bed head. Somebody tries to give me bed head. Yeah. They get the boot in the butt, unfortunately for them.

I would kick that out of bed for giving me bed head. And I have, and I do. Yeah. My favorite is machine head. Oh, right. Definitely. Forgive me, bedhead. And I have, and I do. Yeah. My favorite is Machine Head. Oh, right. Definitely. Yeah. Radio Head?

You breathe that. Oh, Radio Head is good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But no, but I don't. We're sorry we couldn't do the show. And we're sorry about, we're so happy to have you for 199.

200, unfortunately, is all booked up. That sucks. Oh, I'm sorry. This sucks. Oh, this sucks. I'm so mad. You've been doing the show 199 times? Kind of. Yeah. Not this show.

Like, sanctioned? Oh, wait. Are you counting your good show, the reality show show? Are you counting that? The good one? No. That's not part of the $200. You've been doing $200 of this?

Please, it's not the good one. Neither of them are good. No. But they're also better than everything else. I liked the old show because you guys talked about real things. You know what I mean? Unfortunately, Scott, I have to break it to you. Reality TV is fake

and it's creating a fake culture. And so that was a big reason that we stopped doing it and maybe we didn't even do it. No, but I guess what I mean is you had skin in the game when it came to that show. Like you actually liked watching those things. And this show with its sort of like post irony. Oh, my God. You actually thought we liked that?

Oh, my God. Wait, that was all in ironic. Oh, that is so sweet, Scott. I actually love that. I actually think that's great. I love the idea of people listening to it and just being part of the illusion of it and being like, oh my God, these guys actually like this. That is so cute.

I'm so out of touch with that that I'm like, oh my God, that's really cute. So you watched, you like hate watched all of these shows just to do a show? To be able to believe something like that. Just to do a show that 500 people listen to? To watch a show. that's that's what was so kaufman-esque yeah and that's not why we kaufman kaufman marta kaufman and david oh yeah they're great yeah they're really good and speaking of that to watch their show and for you to watch them and be like oh my god these guys are like really friends. And like, you know, yeah. You mean Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they're really that horny. No, they're not. They're not.

They're horny. No, they don't. They're not horny. I bet they're horny. I bet they're so horny when they stop those scenes. Like we've been playing horny. Now I'm actually horny.

That might be right. That they actually trick their bodies into becoming. But not while they're, while they're on screen, they're not horny. No. While they're pretending to be horny. Now I'm actually horny. That might be right. That they actually trick their bodies into becoming horny. But not while they're on screen, they're not horny. No. While they're pretending to be horny, they're not. They're pretending to be horny, but then they're like, I was so in touch with my horniness, now I'm horny. It's going to be dangerous. I need to go rub one out or get some roadhead.

No, they might have to go blast off in their trailer as soon as they wrap. But I don't want to talk about them blasting off. I want to talk about... We're stacked. We're just too fully stacked. We have... That's fine.

We got... Mary Holland, Manzoukas, Gabrus, Kroll, TFT, obviously. I forgot you didn't even mention them. Anyone who wasn't on my 500th episode? I wondered about that because I did notice that they were all on our show before they did your 500th episode. Every single one.

Every single one. Lapkus, sorry, I forgot. Of course, he's coming as well. Drew Tarver. Yes. He was not on my 500th. Or was he? I don't even remember.

Sorry, Drew. Oh, Drew. I didn't think he was. Oh, Drew. I think he was. Was he really? I think so. I think he was on part two or whatever, which is like, don't worry, everyone. Ours will only be one nice. One long part.

Yes. Right. Mm-hmm. And like Carl, like all these people are going to. So I guess the only people who weren't on the 500th episode are you two. Exactly. And again, we are really sorry about not being able to do that. I feel like fucking shit about that.

There's literally no need to apologize at all. No, Scott. You're right. Don't be nice about this. We were busy. Don't be nice about this. What were you guys doing before I? Me?

Yeah. I mean, I know there was an email situation, but you were busy as well. It was so long ago. Yeah. Were you still in the hospital, Hayes? Because I had heard that against doctor's orders, you stayed in the hospital. Yes, I was staying there. I had made a lot of friends while I was there.

Right. Sort of a red band society situation. Yes, and they're saying like, okay, no, you have to leave the hospital and abandon all your friends. And it's like, no, actually I care about my friendships and I'm not going to do that. And you do have to pay me to work here now. Oh, and didn't you save a lot of them? Yeah, and so that is why I'm like I should be compensated for this because I'm going around giving the kind of medicine that the doctors don't necessarily know how to give, which is like being funny. Well, time is money, and if you spend some time somewhere,

they should pay you for it. Thank you. I remember what I was doing, which was I was re-watching Age of Ultron. Oh, yeah. And that Ultron, like some of his schemes, I'm just like, I was so scared of what might happen. Yeah, he had the one scheme to turn the city into an island. I remember.

And into like another Ultron. Looks like an Ultron city into an island? And into like another Ultron. Like an Ultron version of an island. Looks like I gotta watch it again. Because I missed that part. What did you think his schemes were? Just like he's so scary. There's no strings on him.

So evil. And he sort of is like a modern day Pinocchio-esque kind of... Who's Geppetto Pinocchio-esque kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Who's Geppetto in this? In that?

Probably Iron Man. Iron Man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Geppetto. Who's the – isn't there a fox on the island of lost children who like beckons and says, hey, come on in here?

Pepper Potts. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And then the whale is like the freaking Hulk. Right. Yeah, I see that.

I guess so. The bigness. Yeah. I guess so. Yeah. The Hulk is the whale. Black Widow is like a bread salesman in Pinocchio. Was there a bread salesman in that?

In Pinocchio? Yeah, I'm trying to think. Yeah, I think there's a guy selling bread. Oh, yeah. There was that one scene where Pinocchio's like, I want to be a real boy, Dad. And someone's like, bread, get your bread. Yes. Bread here, hot bread.

And Scott thinks it's all real on the screen. He thought our show was real. So he's like, oh, I'm hungry. I'll take some bread. That happens all the time. I hate to go see any movie set in New York because I know there will be a scene where they go to a hot dog cart and I'm just going to order five of them. Yeah, and just for your waistline. And just sitting there waiting going, hey, excuse me, where are my hot dogs?

Yeah. Yeah. And miss the whole rest of it. And you look great now because you're eating mostly movie hot dogs. Because I'm just not eating those hot dogs. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, movie theater hot dogs, people always say like, oh, that's gross. But actually they're not gross because you can't even get them.

No, they won't bring them to you. No, yeah. There's no Purple Rose of Cairo situation where, like, imagine that, you know, we're all inventing things like virtual reality and stuff like that. But imagine if you were to go see a movie and there's someone selling hot dogs and you order them and the person comes off the screen and gives you a hot dog. That's what I want to see. And Purple Rose of Cairo, I have to say, was also a fake movie.

And so like you think that that was just as fake as all the other ones. Can we back up? You said we're all inventing things like virtual reality and stuff. You're not inventing things? That's an interesting idea to pick apart. Well, no. I mean, I'm all inventing things like virtual reality, but I always thought that was just me and like my private little hobby. No, if you're not inventing something, you are –

Like virtual reality, yeah. Yeah, you're de-venting something. Okay, wow. Okay, Scoop Troop, get out your pens. It's time to write down a tip. to write down a tip. Scott Anchorman has made a great point, which is,

if you're not inventing something, like virtual reality and stuff, which we're all doing, you're de-venting something. Let's talk a little bit about what de-venting means to you. Mm-hmm.

Well, obviously, de-evolution is the opposite of evolution. So if you add de- to anything, then it's the opposite and the reverse. That sounds like a deez nuts. De-devo. Yeah. He's trying to get me to do it. Yeah, then it's the opposite and the reverse. That sounds like a Deez Nuts setup. Dee Devo.

Yeah. He's trying to get me to do it. Yeah. That is the opposite of E's Nuts. I'm not. I'm not. And that's E's Montrush. Never again.

Yeah. E's Nuts. The opposite of those. Yeah. His Nuts. And then the opposite is D's Nuts. Is D's Nuts. Exactly.

So you want to be eez nuts. Believe me, I do. You want to be out there doing things like the Murphy group. Plus you're intimate with Sloan. Exactly. Sloan. Can we talk about Sloan for one minute? Yeah, can we just like really break it down? Ladies, take

a breather from this podcast. Oh wait, are there any listening? I don't know. If you're in the car with your girlfriend, push her out of the car because we're going to talk a little bit about Sloane. Sloane. Mm-hmm.

I like how she's one of the guys. She's comfortable hanging out with the guys. She's so comfortable and she's cool with anything that he does. She's freaking one of the dudes. She's like,

look, E, you need to go off with Vinny, you know, over there to Queens Boulevard. Go. I'm cool with it. She can bust chops better than drama can. And I love how well you know the show, Scott.

Just like your depth of knowledge of the show sometimes, even for me, someone who knows really well. Some of the deep guts. Vinny and Queens Boulevard. Well, I actually liked the show. Yeah. Unlike you guys who watch something and hate watch it, apparently. Well, no. I love watch something guys who watch something and hate watch it apparently. Well, no. I love watch something. Reality TV show we hate watch.

Then Entourage we didn't watch. And then we love comedy podcasts. What about Sloan? How do you know Sloan if you didn't watch? How do you know Sloan? I'm a recap junkie. I am a recap junkie. You're attracted to Sloan from the recaps? Yes. Do you know whatan? I'm a recap junkie. I am a recap junkie. You're attracted to Sloan from the recaps?

Yes. Do you know what she looks like? The way they describe her. Not physically. Let me show you a picture of her. Okay. Here you go. Sorry.

Sorry to spoil the illusion. Is that recent? Yeah, it's from yesterday. They put that on TV? I have a Google alert for Sloan. Have they from yesterday. Ugh. They put that on TV? I have a Google alert for Sloan. Have they? Ooh. Yeah.

Sorry. She got that job. Should we talk about, we love the show. We're so happy. We have such a big happiness for you and your achievements and your coverage. Yeah, yeah. We do want to talk about the interview, I guess. Yes. You think we should? Yeah, yeah. We do want to talk about the interview, I guess. Yes. Do you think we should?

Yeah, yes. So Seth Rogen and James Franco made this movie called The Interview. They weren't allowed to release it. The Sony had. Oh, gosh, yes. So it all comes back. It's full circle. That reminds me of the interview that Scott did with CBS.

And that's what we want to talk about. No, we were going to talk about the Seth Rogen movie. But actually, since Scott is here, I think we should talk about the – We could talk about the Seth Rogen movie. No, I think it's good to talk about the CBS interview, Scott. I think we should talk about it. The CBS interview, that's not ringing a bell. You did a CBS.

You did the interview with them. This is always tough. CBS, you did the interview with them. This is always tough. It makes more sense to me now that you didn't know it was happening while you were doing it because of how fucked up it was and how it came across. Oh, wait. Do you mean the CBS This Morning interview? No.

This was like a long time ago. No, but that's the title. I would say like a week and a half ago. You think that's a long time? And you did the CBS interview. Well, compared to this morning. I live in the moment. I'm all about the future, though. The CBS...

For true reality. Taking, like, putting aside the fact that CBS is barely a show anymore, that you... It's a network. Yeah, exactly. CBS This Morning is a show. CBS is a network. I just said that CBS is barely a show anymore. Yeah, and I'm correcting you.

And you were like, oh, and you were, no, yeah, you're correcting me saying, oh, yeah, it's not a network. I just said that CBS is barely a show anymore. Yeah, and I'm correcting you. Yeah, you're correcting me saying, oh, yeah, it's not a show. And I'm saying, yeah, that's what I just said, that it's not a show anymore. It's this other thing. Right? It never was a show, though. Yeah. I don't think CBS ever put out a show called CBS, although it's not bad branding.

I would think that maybe it would be popular if they were a big – Hard to search. People love CBS. Hard to search. Got to think about optimizing your search. That's true. Yeah. Unfortunately, can't do that.

I wonder if – okay. So the – But wait a minute. If you were to search for CBS and you wanted to watch that particular program and you accidentally recorded everything on CBS, that would be good for CBS. So maybe it's hard to search in a great way. Now when you fill your whole entire friggin' cloud and then you go and look in and then you're mad at CBS about it.

Oh, and you never forgive CBS. Wait a minute. Did you hear that? I'm like hosting the show. It's my show. And he goes, wait a minute. And this is exactly what we want to talk about hold on hold on

wait he doesn't know how to be a guest in the interview he sucked the Seth Rogen movie what is that about that guy

in the news lately we don't want to so he told us privately yeah about like the secret political stuff around it. Seth Rogen did?

Yes. About the guy that is actually about a real guy. He's been on the show before? Even, you know, we don't have these kind of conversations on the show. We don't take all our personal relationships and use them for like our benefit on the podcast. He's doing episode 200 because he wants to. Yes. And it sucks that you couldn't be there for that.

I would never actually have asked him to do that and I appreciate and I hope he's not doing it out of some kind of like obligation or something. He's doing it but I think he's not.

And I think he's just doing it because he likes the show and he likes us and he's a fan and a friend. That's a good get for you. He's been on Bang Bang a few times. How many times is a few?

A handful. If you can hold two or three. I don't know what you can hold. I don't know what you're Okay, that is a few? A handful. If you can hold two or three. I don't know what you can hold. I don't know what you're – Okay, that is a lot. How nimble your fingers are. He's got rheumatism. This is –

I notice they're very gnarled. Yeah, they're gnarly. That's a good – people like that. People say that as like a good – oh, your fingers are gnarly. No, no, no. I mean yours are very ugly and crooked. Is everything alright? Yeah. He sucks at being a guest.

This is what I'm saying. Yeah. Because he's always... I'm the host. Yeah. I'm supposed to ask you if your body, if you, like, what your like, medical problems are. Hayes is the host. I'm the sidekick. You're the guest. You're the sidekick? Yeah. That's something that we should talk

about. Okay. Because as the head of Earwolf and I, you know I have full creative control over this show. Oh yeah, we run everything by you. Yeah. I think that you need to step out. Really? You need to get out of the shadow over here. You know? Like, you're so pale.

I guess that's true. You know, get into the sun. Yeah, I guess I could use a little vitamin D. You know? Yeah. Stop taking supplements. Get it from the sun, boy. Yeah, boy.

I like that. All right. Anyway, Hayes. I don't think you might not know about Masterclass. Do you think he does? What, by Stitcher Premium Exclusive? Well, I'm the CEO of Stitcher Premium exclusive. Of course I know about Masterclass.

Of course he's aware of it. Yeah. Yeah. And when I stepped out and how successful that was for all of us. But let's not talk about that. Let's talk about you and criticize you. Knowing how to handle yourself and in a setting where you are the guest on a show, answering questions appropriately, doing a good job, coming off in a way. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

I'm just realizing something. Did you say that I sucked as a guest? That just hit me like 2,000 pounds of bricks. See, that should have landed earlier. I caught the U2 reference, and I know you do, the like Adam Clay 2,000 pounds or whatever. Thanks for listening. It's always great to meet a fan. But you should have caught that right away, and that's part of being a guest that I think you're not used to.

Your host muscles are jacked. Yeah. Your hosting muscles are ripped. I'm muscles are jacked. Yeah. Your hosting muscles are ripped. I'm like Michael Saina. Yeah, Michael Saina, yeah. And so you're in great shape as a host, but as a guest, you're like a puny little like baby Groot. Like two pounds shy of 100 weakling?

Mm-hmm, yeah. Five foot nothing, 100 nothing. That's exactly how I would have put it, two pounds shy of 100 weakling? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Five foot nothing, 100 nothing. That's exactly how I would have put it. Two pound shy of 100 weakling. Wow. Five foot nothing, 100 nothing. Mm-hmm. And a total chump.

Yeah. And I think you have to agree that being a bib squeak sucks. Yeah. Are you guys here to kick sand in my face somehow? No. No. We're here to train you. Mm-hmm.

We're here to work you out and get you nice and ripped. Because you could be so strong. What's wrong with my face somehow? No. No. We're here to train you. We're here to work you out and get you nice and ripped. Because you could be so strong. What's wrong with my guesting? I've never really thought about it. Should we play? Like, maybe it will help for you to hear it yourself

because it's hard for me to imagine, like, maybe as you're doing it, you're like, oh, this is going really well. I thought it was fine. I thought people enjoyed it. Maybe you should hear some of it.

Okay, maybe we should hear a little bit. Okay, yeah. Is the pause normal for this show? Oh, always. We always have a pause. Waiting for something. Come on.

Not this. For this episode? I mean, it's... Thank you. Chase Mobile App allows us to continue running our business. Chase Mobile App. Chase Mobile App ad? I hope this money was worth it, but we put it that way.

Virtually anywhere. Chase mobile app. Available with business checking. This is such strange product integration. This was your, this is the ad that they sold for your,

okay, well now I'm even more worried that you didn't get paid for that. For the Chase mobile ad? Of course I did. At first, yeah,

okay, thank you. Chase is bank, so it should be a lot of money. Well, exactly. Like that's, it's such a lot of money. Well, exactly. It's such a scam how they're able to buy any advertisement they want because they just go into the bank and pay for it.

They're using my money to advertise to me. Yeah. Okay. It sucks. So here's this guy. What was the guy's name? I want to say Woof. Woof.

See, okay. Now, in this case, you are right. Right. But it's good to know a little, you know, about these guys ahead of time so you can, you know. I don't know what you mean by that. Let's listen. You said you know, like you get what I'm saying, but I have no clue.

It's obvious. Steve Martin a big influence on you? I loved Steve Martin as a kid. I mean, and as a kid. I mean, and as an adult. What do we think we did wrong there? What do we think? I mean, let's see.

He asked a question, and I answered it. That seems like good guessing to me. Wow. And he thinks he answered it. Do me a favor because you're obviously more comfortable being the host. Why don't you be the host and you just ask Hayes that question? I can't even remember what the question was. Was Steve Martin a big influence on you?

Oh, okay. Was Steve Martin a big influence on you? Was Steve Martin a big influence on you? I want to hear Wolf do it. It's easier for me because even this he's not good at. He's not Wolf. He's not Wolf. Yeah even this he's not good at. He's not Woof. He's not Woof, yeah, that's for sure. Steve Martin a big influence on you?

Let me have Woof do it. Steve Martin a big influence on you? Who? See? Is that like your friend or something? See? Why would your friend be like an influence on me see right you that's cool that's interesting wait you think that because now can i can we pause for just instead of you who's like yeah i love her i like him so cool before and later and

now i like him when i was a kid and i'm still like all the stuff I liked when I was a kid. I know who you're talking about. No. That's like so. No. What's cool is like. What? Who?

This is like some guy you're obsessed with? I did it myself. Yeah. That's cool. Do you not know who Steve Martin is? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. You don't have to.

Do you? No, I don't personally. But does he not know? Ask me. Ask me. Yeah, ask him. Here, I'll have one. Which one are you?

Oh, yeah. Is your run a big influence on you? What the fuck are you talking about? You're being a fucking loser, man. Right? That is how you, like, now you own Wolf. Now it is your interview. Okay.

But you're still being a good guest. You are still, like, responding. Still technically answering the question, but you're putting him back on his heels. Hit me with Woof again. The same question? Yeah, please. Is Steve Martin a big influence on you? Ask me that one more time.

I fucking dare you, man. Ask me one more time. I swear to God. I don't know. I feel like... You'll leave here in a fucking body bag. You're going to kill Woof? Now let's hear your version.

I loved Steve Martin as a kid. I mean, and as an adult. Not tough. I used to listen Martin as a kid. I mean, I, and as an adult. Not tough. I used to listen to his albums over and over again. You're like scared of Woof. Like, you're like, oh no, what is he gonna do? Like he's doming me? Yeah, he's doming you.

You're a total cuck. That's what an interview technically is, isn't it? I mean, that you, if I didn't respond to any question, wouldn't I – I feel like the interview would shut down immediately after the first one. Okay, okay. But what if you owned Woof? Okay.

Like the way me and Hayes showed you. Okay. And then now all of a sudden he's like, what do you want me to ask? And then I tell him what to ask me? Yeah, that's right. What do I want him to ask me? Probably like, well, okay, here's a couple of things you can have him ask you. Okay. Is it okay that I'm even here right now?

Woof would say that to me. Is it okay that I'm even here right now? And you go like. Am I even allowed to be doing this? Yeah. And then you can think about it and then like kind of set some of your terms.

Yeah, that's right. And then everything else that happens is at your discretion. And what do you think about, like what are you, what were you hoping to get out of this?

Well, I guess an understanding of the process of my comedy. You know, it can be so difficult sometimes to understand a comedian's point of view and where they come from

and where they think they're going. I just thought if I could shine a light on my heart maybe, people would understand the show a little better and they would laugh a little more freely. What about some good head?

What about getting good head? Yeah, what about getting head? Wait. So you think – From somebody who knows like tricks and stuff. That's the end result of an interview. If you're being interviewed, do you want the interviewer to give you head? I can tell you it is not the end result of this interview.

I'm watching this interview thinking nobody is getting head from anybody. Well, Wolf isn't turned on at all because he doesn't feel like he has anything to prove to you. Yes. So if I were to neg him and I were to toss it back in his face, you think that he would then give me head at the end? At the very least, you're talking about like listening to Steve Martin albums or whatever. If I'm Woof, I'm not saying saying, oh, that sounds like a great activity for me and Scott to do together after the show, and then maybe we do some head,

like some version of this. Okay, so have Woof ask me again, and I'll see what I can do. I'll see if I can adjust. This will be good. Steve Martin, a big influence on you? Hey, dude, if I can call you dude, and I'm going to call you dude. Good, okay. Great, Hey, dude. If I can call you dude. And I'm gonna call you dude.

Good. Okay. Great, great. Better. I was worried. That's better, yeah. I really saved it. Yeah. So, dude. Why don't you stop worrying about Steve Martin and start concentrating on this dick. Okay, yeah. And whose dick are you talking about?

I'm talking about my dick, dude. Oh, perfect. Okay. That's perfect. And not, and like, it would help to get more details because if he, maybe he thinks you want him to like, just draw it. Yeah. Four plus inches. Right.

Of thin steel. Thin, yeah. Thin metal rod, yeah. Thin, almost as if there's like a pipe cleaner was put in it to extend it. Valerian steel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Dragon glass. You see Game of Thrones? Kevin, sit down. No camera. Don't do that. Kevin, no camera. Oh, hey, Kevin.

Put the headphones on. Put the headphones on. This is Chef Kevin. Do you know Scott? Hi, Scott. Who are you? This is Chef Kevin. Do you know Scott? Hi, Scott. Who are you? This is a big moment for you. This is really big because I know you've been here for so long.

Been where? He works here. He just walked in. He works at the- Scott, I promise you, I know this seems unbelievable. He works here. He has worked here for a million years. He is doing the same job.

This guy? Yes. This is years. He is doing the same job. This guy? Yes, this is Kevin. This is Chef Kevin. Good morning, everyone. Scott's the creative director here at Earwolf. Of course, you know he has his hands involved in every single decision that gets made. Anything you hear on Earwolf has gone through Scott. And Stitcher Premium. And Stitcher Premium.

CEO of Stitcher Premium. That's awesome. Chief Executive Officer. And what do you do for the company? Young lad? I'm the production coordinator. I don't know what that is. Hey dude, you better stop coordinating productions

and start coordinating this dick. Hey, alright. Hey, all right. Now that's good. Now this guy is in charge here. Why can't you give me some time with Will? I guess it's easier with employees. Chef Kevin, yeah. It's a good way to practice, actually, is to sit down with Chef Kevin.

This is what I do before interviews. Right. And just get in a place where I am dominating the situation and manipulating him mentally in ways that he doesn't even know is happening while I'm doing it because I'm like doing all these running programs on him basically that you're pacing

around him right now you're circling him yeah like a predator yeah and he's doing exact he's reacting exactly the way I want him yeah completely controls the space that Kevin's in and is able to sort of plant him where he wants. And then when Hayes strikes, Kevin has no choice but to give him really good head. Is that the goal? This is fascinating, guys.

I haven't really thought about that. But is that the goal for any interaction in Hollywood is to try to get head at the end? Is that the goal for any interaction in Hollywood is to try to get head at the end? Well, it's never a bad thing to also get a nice chunk of change. To get paid for someone to give you head. You can't eat head. Yeah. It's true. It's true.

Yeah. I mean, I think sweetbreads. Is that penises? Sweetbreads are penises? That's what Sean calls them. I don't know. But honestly, even if you could eat head, you wouldn't want it every meal. Some meals you'd want to be able to buy like sashimi.

Oh, yeah. Or like ramen. Ramen. Yeah. Salmon teriyaki. Yakitori. Or one of your famous movie hot dogs. Right, yes. I'll take Oh, yeah. Or like ramen. Ramen. Yeah. Salmon teriyaki. Yakitori. Or one of your famous movie hot dogs. Right.

Yes. I'll take three, please. Yeah. Get on that, inventors. Yeah. Yeah. Should we continue with the thing? Maybe we can have Chef Kevin as just an unbiased observer.

Oh, he can say which interview answer he likes better. Yeah. Why did he walk in here, by the way? He comes in. He has like these little little plans for every episode. I can kind of see him coming up with them when we're coming in. He's like, okay, I'm going to do this fun bit every time. I'm going to take these pictures or whatever.

Also, a lot of times he's lost. As far as I know, he lives here and then just has sort of a goldfish memory where he suddenly is coming back into the room all the time and will just be like, oh, where am I? And then he's like, this is a new room. And then he just comes walking into the studio. It's a strange uniform he's wearing too. Yeah.

He's wearing a uniform. He's one of the queens of the Stone Age? Yeah. He's got like a three-wolf moon thing going on. This is a Brett thing that he has. People are trying to imitate Brett and pretending to like music in the studio. Who's Brett? See, sorry.

I forgot. Brett is an engineer here. He's another – he's like a Kevin type who has just become essentially part of the furniture. Oh, I see. Oh, wait. Is that the thing that's on the chair sometimes when I do my show? Yes. Right, right, right.

So this is the difference between you and us where everyone here, while we are disgusted by them and the fact that they have no plan is very upsetting to me for what is next. I do love them, and I'm in love with them. Kevin, I love you. I'm in love with you. Kevin, I love you, and I'm in love with you. This is huge for you. I'm in love with you. Kevin, I love you, and I'm in love with you. This is huge for me.

Thanks, everyone. Likewise. Hi, it's nice to meet you. Hi, Scott. Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me. What did you fucking just say to me? Hi, Scott. Sorry.

First of all, hi is short for what? Hello. Exactly. Use the full term when you talk to me. And you should probably stop saying hi to Scott and start saying hi to this dick. Yeah. Start saying hello to this dick. Sir.

Because you better use the long version because I know he's going to. So try it again. Hello, Scott. No. Hello, Dick. Hello, this Dick. This Dick. This Dick.

Thank you. Shake my dick. There you go. Fantastic. Shake my dick. There you go. So should we hear more of the interview? Yes.

Just some of what Woof has been saying. This is good. Let's get back to Woof. Kevin can weigh in. Kevin's an adult, but I used to listen to his albums. Still on this. Him and Ed Letterman, I think, were my biggest influences growing up. This is the answer that you guys have already critiqued. You mentioned Letterman a lot as an influence on you.

Our parents didn't get a lot of what Letterman did. We share the same parents, by the way. A lot of people should know that. Mom and dad. Yeah, we're brothers. What are you talking about? Scott, that's not true. Why do you want people to, like, what is the mission there of that lie?

My mission, my goal? Yeah. To do the trick on everyone in America and on Wolf. I was sort of trying to evade his question, quite honestly. I knew it was headed down a certain path that I wasn't comfortable with, and I was trying to deflect, I guess. Well, and that's a corner you've painted yourself in by answering the first question. Yes, it's true. You could have established some ground rules up top.

So now you are in danger of having to answer the question. But to lie and tell Woof that you're his brother when you know that he's adopted and he's always wanted to have a little brother. And he's always been looking for who his real brother is. I didn't know that about, I guess I didn't do my research before I... Yeah, and that's sort of what Hayes was saying.

So how should I have... Why do you think his name is Woof? I guess I never thought about that. Because he was adopted as a dog. Yeah. He was adopted as a dog. He was adopted as a dog. Yeah.

So they knew he was a human, but then they treated him like a dog? Or they thought he was a dog and they – All the paperwork said that he was a dog. Right. And this is before online. Right. Woof. That makes sense.

Yeah. So he was Woof. Yeah. So for you to sit there and go like, hey, I'm your brother, it's like maybe Hayes could show you what you should have said. Yeah. What should I have said? Okay. Well, let me go back to the question.

Yeah. As an influence on you. I think we're my biggest influences growing up. And Pee Wee Herman. You've mentioned a lot. What? Herman a lot as an influence on you our parents didn't get a lot of what we share the same parents by the way a lot okay wait let me go

back yeah go back do you want to know what i would do in this spot yeah can i just play it for you yeah please it's disorienting because you also don't even let him finish the question and david letterman i think were my biggest influences growing up. And Pee Wee Herman. You've mentioned Letterman a lot as an influence on you. Woof! Our parents didn't give a fuck. There's a bomb strapped to my chest. A lot of people should know. It's going to go off.

My hand is taped to a remote. If I release this trigger, this entire building's going up. Now, tell me what really happened with the financial crisis. I lost everything. How? Why would Wolf?

He's money monstering him, Scott. You're money monster. Oh, I see. Hit him with the money monster. Got it. Money monstering. I hadn't thought about doing that. Can I also just say, most people don't think what Pee Wee Herman did was good that time.

And I think they definitely wouldn't say that it was an influence on them. No, I wasn't saying that he was an influence the time that he was arrested. And I would say – I'm saying that his body of work was an influence on him. His body of work. His body of work. He's working his body. He's working on his body.

Hey. Can I say... Hayes? Yes. Can you say something? Why don't you say something to this dick? See, this is good.

Now, this guy... Now, that's a test. And the thing that is so reprehensible about what Pee Wee Herman did is he had given up and was... Wait, wait, wait.

Did you just get an email? It's a virus. Oh no, you got the laughing skull. Great. See, this is why I try to keep this thing closed. So many people say I love you to him. The problem with what Pee Wee Herman was doing was he was doing it by himself.

Yeah, when he could have been forcing someone else to do it who tried to interview him. He had given up. That's the other thing. what if they invented a movie where you could be like, hey, Demi Moore and striptease, instead of stripping up there on the screen, come down here in a Purple Rosa Cairo virtual reality situation and, you know, like strip on me.

It's worth a try. I get it. I get it, and you're right. Put your headphones back on. None of this getting up, sitting down. What are you doing, Kevin? Hang on. Imagine I've just started getting up and... That would be funny if I did that.

That would be really funny. We're barely into this. I can't believe how long this is. Yeah, this shit takes forever. Also, let him go. Just let him go? No, I mean like when he wants to... Let him go? Like fire Kevin? When Woof... This is so long

and I can tell that he's like, when am I going to get to be done with this? And it's like just let... When Woof wants to... When Woof clearly wants to leave, just let him leave. If you love something, set it free. Yes. Give him room. Is his microphone off?

It sounds like his microphone was off. I wish your microphone was off. See, that was good. That's really good, yeah. And we asked Kevin to say that. We were hoping you'd respond like that. I love how powerful you seem now, Scott. And now I'm going like, wow, this guy's a really good guest.

Maybe I'll even come on the 500th episode of his show next time. There's not going to be another 500th episode. Don't say that about yourself. I don't think it's... We were talking about confidence. Why do you think that you were invited to the 500th episode?

Well... Let me... I can check my email and see if there is one. Do you mind reading all of your emails? Yeah, I can't get into mine. Let me see. Here it is. CBB app. Here it is. I found one. It's the most

recent one. And it says want to do a CBB soon. That's unauthorized, by the way, to read my private communications with you. Oh, I thought you were just asking me to do that. And I am so sorry that we didn't get to the email until now. Hey, remember Gmail roulette? That was a segment we used to do.

We used to do a segment. You should take that one, actually. That would be really good for you. That could be great. Where you would do what? You would just click on a random email? We would go through our emails and we would read it. Of course I know. You ran it by me.

Yeah. This guy's a freaking chief executive creative officer. I punched it up. I don't like to punch down. I really appreciate that. It was going to be just Gmail. We were just going to call it Gmail. Have you guys ever been invited to a Hollywood punchdown session? Yeah. It's just where you make you go

in and you do script doctoring i just make like jokes about moonlight i took all the jokes out what were some of the jokes that were in there just they were really weird there was a lot of slapsticky stuff a lot of every time uh that kid sat down there was a whoopee cushion under him and he'd go whoops was there like a something something about Mary like bit of splooge in his hair on the beach? Yeah, that's right. And so I was like, well, let's punch this down. Like I think people will take the movie more seriously. Yeah.

You know. Let's take out all the just like tripping and just like going through plate glass windows. All the bong hits, all the frigging, yeah, falling down the stairs. Yeah. All the frigging combing the hair. What about like, oh wow, you look like,

you know, like movies these days of like, you look like a cross between, you look like if Frank Zappa, you know, was swallowing my nuts. I love those. Yeah. Yes. I love those,

but it just wasn't the right movie for it. I took that out and then I put it in into some of the movies that are coming up. Oh, good. The best version is you take any celebrity, and you say, like, you look like if Frank Zappa ate Frank Zappa, right? Oh, that's interesting. That's a really good one. So, like, a fatter Frank Zappa. Yes, I imagine.

So, like, if Frank Zappa was a relatively thin, I don't know if that had to do with – was he sick or was – was he sick the entire time he was making music? He was certainly sick in the head. Wow. Yeah. And his music was monstrous. Right. But so if he were – if you take that thin individual and then he were to eat his own body mass – Well, what if he were even to eat some of his freaky sound creations?

Which is sort of implied by the joke as well. You look like if Frank Zappa ate one of his freaky sound creations. Yeah, it's funny. Imagine what that would look like. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's a really good one. How sick he would get. Yeah, some of the other jokes I like.

You look like if Ron Jeremy met Jeremy Irons. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Is that something? No, yeah, that's great. You look like if Ron Jeremy was a CPA. Yes. Like it's somebody who kind of looks like Ron Jeremy,

but they've got like a tie-on. What's a CPA? It's like a corporate accountant or something. Yeah. I don't really know, actually. Yeah, corporate accountant. Corporate, okay. Corporate public accountant. I don't really know. Yeah, corporate accountant. Corporate public accountant. I don't know what it means.

I don't know what it means. Please don't ask me. Suck my dick. Now we're back in control. One thing I like is when somebody will just say like they'll be talking about a date. It's two dudes. It's dudes like me. Yeah.

They'll be talking about a date. It's two dudes. It's dudes like me. Yeah. And they'll be talking about a date and they'll go like, hey, man, I gave her the dusty Kleenex. And then the other guy goes like – What is that? What is that? It's like, bro, you never heard of the dusty Kleenex.

Oh, man. I'm enjoying this. It's when you take a chick. Yeah. You know? And you – And you – And in this case, it would be like –

You – What And you what? You – What do you do? You come and then wait for it to dry and put it in her hair or something. I don't know. I think it's you wipe her on a shelf. You wipe her – okay. Oh, great, great. Wait, you take the girl and you use her to dust your shelves?

Yeah, you fuck her up against your shelf and then you sort of scrub her butt across the dusty part and clean it. Like a high shelf that doesn't get a lot of dusting. Yeah, I guess it'd be a high shelf. Dude, you don't know about this? Yeah, exactly. And it's Dude, You Don't Know About This. See? This is the stuff.

And that shit. This sounds like a funny character. But that couldn't possibly be the lead character. That would have to be sort of an ancillary character. It's the lead character's best friend. Yeah, Mo. This is Mo. I like that guy.

Yeah. That guy's funny, but I can't take a lot of him because that would just – like a whole movie of that would be bad, but one scene of that is so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah. It's Juker. Yeah. It's a character who only goes by his last name.

Hey, Juker, what'd you do last night? Bro, I was out with this chick. Oh, Juker. Man, I got her back home, and I gave her the backwards microphone. What's a backwards microphone? It's when you fucking- I haven't heard about this. Yeah, oh, dude, you haven't heard about the backwards microphone?

No. It's when you, like, shout into her asshole, and then you fall asleep on her dog. And that is a real... That's not just something that Sean came up with or whatever from something he saw in the room. That is actually a real one. That's an actual thing.

Yeah, that one's real. You weren't looking at a backwards microphone at all. Or a Kleenex. Right. There are none of those items in this room currently. You don't keep that stuff in the room. There are only frontwards microphones. Chef Kevin, don't dare take a picture of the microphone and the Kleenex.

And our noses are running right now because there are no Kleenexes. There's just snot like piling down on our chins. And you're in trouble for that too, Kevin. There should be microphones in here. Backwards ones. And there should be Kleenexes. Is there any more of this interview? How long is this fucking thing?

Let's see if this ever ends. Mom and dad. We're brothers. We should have mentioned that at the top. That's just so bad. The parents of our generation didn't always understand what Letterman was doing when he was very late night and doing jokes that suddenly felt like the same thing.

This was all cut out of the actual interview. This is all bonus material. When we were making fun of traditional entertainment. And I just want to say that was Scott. That was not Scott in the interview saying, because you're confusing everyone when you talk while it's going, because you're part of the interview too and we're interviewing you now. Right. Right. So when I was saying that, that was not part of the actual clip that you were playing.

That was new Scott, present day Scott. I'm going to identify myself anytime I talk as present day Scott. Do you feel like there are still people who don't quite understand the irony of what you're going for with your comedy? Yeah, I mean, when I was a teenager, the fact that David Letterman was making fun of everything, he was making fun of TV, he was making fun of just the idea of doing a celebrity interview. He would never take those interviews seriously if you watch his Cher interview or his Madonna interview. He wasn't taking it seriously.

Okay, already this is, it's so long. This is present day, Scott. Look,'t taking it seriously. He wasn't. Okay. Alrighty. This is. It's so long. This is present day, Scott. I look, I agree with you. It's so long. It, I I'm not interested. First of all, he said, no, it's I'm just trying to fill time. It's very It's not even about that. It's very interesting

to say like like it's good to like hate TV and stuff and like it's like good to like not takes it and whoever those other people are you were talking about like it's good to make fun of them and all that is very dangerous for the kinds of other stuff that you want to do and like i have to say i hate to bring this up scott i hate to bring this up but you do this interview and then cso goes away like right after that yeah I guess I never really thought about that like pretty much the day after it came out uh-huh

CISO went away uh-huh and here you are in this thing saying TV sucks I do like everyone sucks who does it I'm making fun of it and then maybe someone is saying like, okay, well, if he doesn't want to do it so much. Let's cancel CISO. Right? Yeah. I guess that's true. I'm sorry, CISO. And I think that is going to be enough. That's all they want. They just want to hear you say, yeah.

Like TV's great. Shia said like TV's great. CISO's great. Yes. So for me, Letterman went a little too far with some of his poking fun at some of this stuff. And maybe you should play ball. Can he ask me that again? Yes. Yes. He's so great. Yes. So for me, Letterman went a little too far with some of his poking fun at some of this stuff. And maybe you should play ball. Can he ask me that again? Yes. Yeah. And I love this attitude. And also when he says that

Letterman was on very late night, you say something like, that's not late for me. I can stay up as late as I want. Okay, let me try this. The parents of our generation didn't always understand what Letterman was doing when he was very late night. Can I interrupt you here? This is present day Scott.

I – not late for me. I don't have a bedtime. I'm a grown-ass man and I go to sleep whenever and quite honestly wherever I want and sometimes it's not even in my own bed. That's cool. Yeah. And secondly, TV is great. Quite honestly, wherever I want, and sometimes it's not even in my own bed. That's cool. Yeah. And secondly, TV's great. I don't like you impugning its integrity.

TV's great. CISO is very successful and will last a millennia, if not longer. And I don't like your attitude. So why don't you get down here since we're in New York City and give me a little roadhead. Yes. Better? Now I'm looking at a guest. Holy shit. I feel so powerful.

Hey. Yes. I mean, are you happy with this work since we're in New York City? This is huge. And a little bit of road head? Holy shit. And all of a sudden, CISO's back on the air. Yeah, CISO's back on.

Wolf's off. I mean, he just has to move. Wolf is crying. He's crying. Wolf's in jail. He moves back to his hometown. He's a dog again. We're doing the 500th episode.

Wolf's in the friggin' pound. Everything. Oh, yeah. That's so good. And we're doing the 500th CBB. And we're doing the 500th CBB and we're doing the 500th CBB all of these things can be undone

yes everything we just rewind the clock back the 200th we are booked on our 200th that is not

going to change it's locked in I only wish this was like a Christmas Carol situation where you were like friendly ghosts

or even unfriendly ghosts and we could change the past and we could you know it's not necessarily what will be, it's what could be. But you guys aren't ghosts

to my knowledge. You're like, boy, give me a goose. Yeah. The one as big as me? Yeah. Yeah, I flip him down you know, a hay penny or however much God, how much did geese cost back then? It was like a it was like a tuppence.

Twopence? That's a lot for a goose. If you knew the guy, then. If you knew the guy, he would go, okay. But you're not ghosts, I don't think. No, no, no. I'd have to tell you. Legally, if

you are a ghost, you do have to tell me. I've seen your paperwork, too, and I think that in order to give you paychecks, we would have to give you ghost paychecks here at Earwolf if you were a ghost. So I've seen your paperwork, and you're not a ghost. That is, I think, what I've been getting. So unfortunately – yeah, I mean the amounts on them, it's almost like your paychecks are haunted. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Imagine if I was a ghost. Yeah. I'd be boyfriends with Ann are haunted. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine if I was a ghost. Yeah. I'd be boyfriends with Annabelle. Yeah. The doll? Yeah, I'd get to be Annabelle's boyfriend. That's the dream. Oh, that'd be so cool.

You would date her? I think so. I mean, I don't know. I mean, you may not have a lot to choose from. Right. And I'm not saying that she would definitely, that she would definitely want Vita Beer. Who are the most famous ghosts? We have Casper.

Yeah. With Beetlejuice. Mm-hmm. That's about it. And that's Slim Pickens. There's ghosts. I guess there's Slim Pickens. Mm-hmm.

He's a ghost. Okay. But that's about it. I mean, the Bye Bye Man. I mean, you know. The Babadook. The Babadook. Babadook.

I don't know if he's a ghost. The Ghostbusters. Hey. He turned my mic off. Holy shit. The ghost. Kevin. The Ghost a ghost. The Ghostbusters? Hey, he turned my mic off. Holy shit. The Ghostbusters weren't ghosts. Slimer was the ghost, a.k.a. Onionhead. And Slimer was a girlfriend.

In the cartoon, he was part of the Ghostbusters. But that's not canon. Yes. I've seen Kevin write out Ghostbusters, and he put the space between ghost and busters. So he's like, these are busters who are ghosts. Who happen to be ghosts. No, no, no, no.

They bust the ghosts, Kevin. It's one word. Whoa. So, yeah, you like them a little more now, huh? Makes a lot more sense. It does. The reason they're fighting all the ghosts all the time is they're busting them. Yeah, it's not a civil war between fellow ghosts.

This is actually a great object lesson as the Ghostbusters because if we remember what Ray Stantz is getting out of these ghosts every once in a while in the movie, he's not just busting them for free. Sometimes he gets a little bit roadhead. A little roadhead. Yeah, from ghosts in a dream sequence. But still, counts. Totally counts. That in a dream sequence. But still, counts. Totally counts.

That was a dream. Do you think Ray Parker Jr. was ever like, hey, my name is Ray. There's a character named Ray. Yeah. Pretty cool, right? Yeah, this is pretty cool. You ever think that conversation ever happened? Yeah, who's he talking to?

I don't know, maybe his dad, Ray Parker? Oh, okay, well, that's a pretty circular conversation because then Ray Parker Is that your name is Ray? I would say, what about me? Why are you saying it's cool? That is also my name. Yeah, he could clap back with facts

and that's a wrap. Well, I feel like I learned Hang on, hang on. What? Hazel do it. and that's a wrap. Well, I feel like I learned. Yeah. Hang on, hang on. What? Hazel do it. Well, I feel like I learned a lot. Hey, shut up.

Okay. You fucking piece of shit. You don't have the brain to learn. You learn what I tell you to learn. You're right. Okay, so, you know, check this out. And it're right. Okay, so check us out. He's right, and it's cool. I want to suck him up.

Check us out next season on Seesaw. iTunes, five stars helps so much. Thank you for listening. Thank you for subscribing. Thanks. Come to our live shows. Support other Earwolf shows. Get in there.

Get on Stitcher Premium. Listen to that stuff. There's some really cool, exciting stuff. It's not just our show. Go to Chef Kevin's website. He's got a bunch of great videos on there. Doughboy's Patreon. Doughboy's Patreon.

Please donate. The Action Boys. Yes, Action Boys. Donate to that. Listen to that. Big Trouble Little China. Everything they're doing. The Chop House Gang, whatever that other show is.

Chapo Trap House? Yes. Chapo Trap House. Chop House. Comptown. What a fucked up name. I mean, that's so crazy. That's so fucked up.

Pay these people more. Get in there. Subscribe. Yeah. Guys We Fucked. Guys We Fucked. Guys We Didn't Fucked. Yes.

Welcome to the family, the murder welcome to the family the murder show yes the murder show now my favorite murder is now part of the family welcome murders we fucked

murders we fucked what else go back S-Town you know get back in there go back through the archives listen to it again

just keep going yeah just go back. Like, if you get Stitcher Premium, yeah, there's a lot of new stuff you can listen to, but go back through the archives. Oh, yeah.

Uncle Bernie's Baganerios. Uncle Bernie's Baganerios. Be like the librarian at the beginning of Ghostbusters where she's like, oh, look at this card catalog. I think Hannibal started one. Yes.

The Layman. Get in there on that. Watch Why. Watch Why with Hannibal. Not just podcasts. Watch Why. Watch Why with Hannibal. Not just podcasts, watch Why. Watch Hannibal. Yeah,

watch the movie. See Hannibal. Yeah, see the show. Red Dragon. Yeah, Red Dragon, Manhunter.

All the way back to Manhunter. Love Manhunter. It's the better one. See Thief, you know, another Michael Mann film. Tangerine Dream did the score. See Thief. See Thief, you know, another underappreciated Michael Mann film. Tangerine Dream did the score.

Sea Thiepio. Sea Thiepio. Sepia Tomes. PP. PP, Urinetown. Urinetown, yeah.

Avenue Q. Hamilton. Hamilton, definitely Hamilton. If you haven't seen Hamilton, you're a piece of shit. Yeah,

you're a poor fucking loser. Have you ever done a Urinetown? Shut up! Shut up, Kevin. Bye. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.