Hollywood Handbook - Scott Aukerman, Our Comedy Book Book Friend

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

SCOTT AUKERMAN helps The Boys write their podcast book. Order Scott’s new book here!Watch the video recording of this episode with Scott at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Hollywood Handbook live and streaming May 30th at Dynasty Typewriter! Click for ticketsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so so what do you think huh nice right not bad right nice digs little babies all grown up huh you talking about david when you say nice digs? Well, I, you know. Little babies all grown up? Not exclusively. I was talking about me, but we've often been compared. You and Daveed Diggs, really? In what respect?

Well, I'm naturally musical. I guess I didn't know that. Can you, do you mind giving me a little Do, Re, Mi? I have no formal training, but. a couple Do-Re-Mis. Don't have to do the flats or the sharps, just a pure Do-Re-Mi. Just the Do-Re-Mis. Hang on, let me back way up and get a running start. Do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi-do-re-mi Your studio looks amazing. Your studio that you made looks so good. Did they put the notebooks out?

I'm not there. Did they put the notebooks out? We have the notebooks, Hazel. I have to say, Hazel, I was so excited to do the show, and then I arrive here and I take my mandatory COVID test, which I hope you also took. Nobody looked at the results either, right? Yeah.

I just threw it away the second I... Yeah, we just threw them right out. I was like, I know my body. It's the ritual of taking them that is now the important part. The gesture. It's a societal community. Just casually swab your nose,

throw it in the trash. But I arrived here expecting to see my good buddy hayes yeah and here he is and and behold you're on a you're two-dimensional who cares i care scott you couldn't you couldn't what are you doing that you couldn't you couldn't be here and then okay so you're oh you're looking so forward to seeing me and then for like 10 minutes before we start you're trying to turn me down in the headphones and then you're asking me to like speak quiet so like which is it like do you want to hear me or not he wants to see you and not hear you yeah that's the happy medium where i love to see you

coming walk away all of it treading water conversationally with scott while he just kind of kept watching the door for when you would enter oh yeah and then kevin came out and said like so hayes is joining over zoom and just deflation oh my god which i had told sean earlier but not kevin i wondered about that and i was yeah pre pre-mad yeah yeah it's like i guess it's gonna be my job to relay this to kevin i said that i said to kevin i should have told you it just it feels like i've got to feel good kev it feels like a slap in the face, not just to me, but to Kevin, to the fans. And what about me? I mean, I would imagine you're used to it, but

you never quite get used to it. Really? You get slapped in the face? What if you got used to being slapped in the face? It's like, yeah, I get slapped in the face five times a day. They switch to the other side. And this is what he does. As soon as you're comfortable. Rather than just say... I cannot hear you

when he's talking but that's podcasting that's podcasting baby but it just feels it feels like if you cared enough about i was so excited to get the invite to be on the show and then to find out that you're half-assing it is just you know i don't know this is podcasting without a net i what i what we see this as you're such a master of the art form scott i mean you've logged so many hours yeah that isn't it interesting to provide new obstacles to podcasting and see how you work around it and make it see how he Let's see how he handles this. I mean, top chef, these people are expert chefs and they go like, well, can you do it with a blindfold on? Can you do it with

one hand? You know, they introduce these challenges. I'd like to see stuff like that at the Olympics, like Usain Bolt, you know, just like throwing random chairs in his way. Well, that could be pretty interesting. It might look a lot like The Hurdles. You know, they have events where they were the hurdles

is that a new sitcom meet the hurdles thanks for not talking during that little exchange between us because i would not you're welcome i just wanted to make sure everyone got got their stuff off yeah nothing just i mean like, if I were you, I would be very proud to see what a nice studio we're recording in today. I'm proud of my boys. I am proud of my boys. You guys are all grown up. Is that what you wanted?

That's very sweet. We could have used it a little faster. Yeah. I'm proud of you guys i mean it's it's difficult to make it an honest dollar in podcasting and so to see you guys doing so well making one dollar yes one honest dollar and a couple shady ones but you put it all back into the studio obviously which is it's an investment in the business you know like it's like we didn't we knew that fans were disappointed we had been doing shows over zoom so we built a really nice studio we're still of course doing it over zoom but but does one of you already present in a studio does

one of you have to be in the studio at all times is that like only one only one so you guys can trade off the improv game where it's like someone's sitting someone's standing someone's lying down i never did improv okay so this is like a short from it's pretty fun um and it's like you know any type so if somebody takes a seat then somebody else who's sitting has to stand up that causes the other person and it's kind of fun and so this is you know this is a similar thing where someone's on Zoom, someone can't hear anyone, and someone's just not into it, not feeling it. I love it, though.

You guys are the best at what you do. We're proud of you, too. Oh, we're proud of you, too. We're proud of you, too. Okay, Scott Bookerman. I remember when we first went to Starbucks in the parking lot. I already got it wrong. We said

coffee bean and tea leaf. We were just these little kids. You were so new to Hollywood. It was like you were fresh off the bus. You were looking around. You had your bindles on sticks and you were just looking around going, wow, look at all this.

I didn't have the heart to tell you that it wasn't really Hollywood. It was the Valley. I was in my short pants. Yeah. I can't believe it. Is that the Hollywood sign? I said, no, that's the coffee bean and tea leaf sign. Yeah, that's the coffee bean and tea leaf sign.

He didn't even know how to read. I couldn't read, yeah. But you taught yourself how to read one word and that's podcast and turned out to be the only one that mattered the only one you'll ever need and we said we said to you can we please do a podcast you're like you actually you want to do a fucking podcast what do you want to do what do you want to do a podcast for yeah and we're like well you do a pocket like you you you do this very popular show yeah well i'm just waiting i'm just waiting until i can write my book i'm waiting i'm waiting to cash out and then i i'm gonna be an author like it's all it's all going into the it's about this

book inside me man hey i know i got this book inside me we'll talk about the book when do you get a haircut on air? Like live for the viewers. Gosh, that would have actually potentially saved our last live show where we did not sell that many tickets. Oh no, where was this? I wonder if that would have been the time

to pull the trigger on getting a big haircut. That would have been a brilliant marketing move. Giving people hanks. I don't think we've sold any tickets for next month and no guests announced you do one live show a month and you barely sell any tickets for them why not like consolidate sometimes the time sometimes the you know the time that it happens in the month makes it too close to the previous one yeah that's my current theory. Sometimes there's

conflicting things happening against it. Your one this last month was against the SpaceX rocket launch. Yeah, yeah. Timing is a bitch. Little Mr. Elon went ahead and stomped all over our ticket sales, but

whatever. He needs the help. You guys paying the $8 a month You guys paying the $8 a month? You paying the $8 a month? I'm waiting for it to come down. I'm waiting for it to come down. A lot of people are leaving Twitter. I'm all in. Yeah. Now's the time. I pay $16. I get a blue check.

I get a gold check. I want to collect the whole rainbow flag. Yeah, that's one way to go. I have a feeling that the blue check will go on sale. You think so? I think there's going to be a flash sale. Like a half-off sale?

Yeah, I'm waiting to get it. Cyber Monday? I keep checking RetailMeNot for coupon codes. Earwolf got us our blue checks. Did you know that? I had no idea. That's how we got our blue check so i got chris bandon on it i just i just emailed chris and i was like chris you gave this to me they took it away you just emailed him really he doesn't work for the company anymore was wow because of the because of this because wow over the blue checks? Yes. Oh, my God. He resigned in protest.

Damn, dude. Oh, my God. Yeah. Shit. It's a sad time. He's so brave. Yeah. He has your backs, guys. Wow.

Yeah. Can we see the book? We want to look at the book. You want to look at it? Yeah. You want a little visual treat? It's free to look. It's free to look.

Let me take a little peek. Yeah. Come on. Here's free to look. It's free to look. Let me take a little peek. Yeah. Come on. Here's the cover. Which one is my camera? This one? This one? This one?

Here we go. That's you. Damn, dude. Yeah. All those crazy maniacs behind you. All the maniacs. And they're fighting to get into the studio. Into the studio.

Normally, it's not like the Great White Fire where everyone's like, I got to get out of the venue. It's on fire. They want to be in. They want to be inside the venue. And you're coming in as well. I'm being forced in out of financial obligation. But the other people want to be there they want to be there

you you have to be there i have to be there because i have a contract and you do you know they're behind you no that's uh okay it explains all this in in the in the book yeah how many pages just explores this image uh oh the first third at least but i uh it goes into the details of my contract we print my contracts all of the the addendums all of the uh the redlining um and then it goes into my sort of mentality that morning about how i'm overdoing the show and i hate podcasting and i don't want to do it anymore and then i check my contract i'm like yeah i still have two years left still have to do it yeah so that there's check my contract. I'm like, yeah, I still have two years left. Still have to do it. Yeah.

So that there's a, that's a big part of it. And then the people behind me want to do it for the exposure. Deco ledge. What's that? Deco edge. Did you say deco edge? You got a deco edge on that thing? There's a paper.

Is it, is there a nice little deco on there where you're like no no the paper's pretty uh uniform i i hate to say decolletage yeah that's what i thought you were trying to say and i was wondering why we're but then i looked at the picture you couldn't afford even one deck even one little page kind of like sticking out and it cuts you what would that do to have one page that's i mean one sharp well you have zero so i mean i guess it would i think it's zero i guess what would zero do would be my question yeah but we're fine with zero but one is somehow a huge issue yeah just like one yeah one one sharp page one cherry deckle sticking out. I think it's actually more difficult to get them uniform and even. That's actually quite a feat.

I mean. Well, we don't know. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't there. I feel like everybody does do that. You don't have any books. Basically, everyone does get uniform. And our show is actually named after a book.

Yeah. Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. Yeah, it's named after a book. Hollywood Handbook? Hollywood Handbook. It's named after a book. It's named after one of the main books. You guys have a leg up on other podcasts if you were to make your own book. And our show logo

is sort of a kind of book. There's no books here that look like it. Well, you guys could sell those. I mean, i'm sure there are fans of yours who would we did you did did we yeah you you i think you took home most of the most of the coinage from that you guys have an uneven split or are you talking like a deckle edge yeah we've got a bit of a deckle edge uh no i think it was part of the earwolf era merchandising oh yeah yeah so yeah i'm still cashing the checks on your uh

hollywood handbook on the handbook notebooks yeah a lot of that went into this glossy cover yeah it is pretty glad you you know I'm glad you pointed that out because you can either do a flat color or a glossy. And I was like, pour that gloss on, baby. Spring for the extra gloss. Yes. Yeah. Have you met Rochelle? He has.

Why are you asking me this? Just curious. Hey, Rochelle. Why are you asking me this? Just curious. Hey, Rochelle. You remember that show we were talking about the other day on our show that you said that you hadn't seen, that you had listened to? Yeah.

Yeah. It was called Freedom. Uh-huh. Don't talk about that on this show. Okay? Yeah. Okay. I won't talk about it don't bring that up don't bring it up it's just gonna confuse you yeah i'm not bringing up you guys are bringing it

up huh yeah well we're bringing it up so that you know not to okay don't say who you think the hosts of the show are okay we told her we told her show that we were the hosts of freedom she was so impressed when she heard that we hosted three that it was a two of us it was a that we were the hosts of Threedom. She was so impressed when she heard that we hosted Threedom. That it was the two of us and Chef Kevin. So, Scott, actually, could you please not tell Rochelle that... I'm happy to. ...that we hosted Threedom just because Rochelle is actually being really nice to us ever since she found out we host Threedom.

She's impressed by this. Yeah. She wasn't really familiar with the show, but she's really into the fact that we host it. Yeah. That seemed to get her on board. And and prior to that it was pretty frosty over there yeah i could i mean i'm not comfortable kind of you know lying in a three's company type situation you know um with five people here there are five people here but i i think you guys are in kind of a like some sort of a triangle here are you guys are either of you guys married which who's who are you asking what i'm talking to

kevin's trying to do it no i know that i know i know about kevin's kevin is now attempting to get married yeah he might pull it off we're rooting for for him. Yeah, he might pull it off his ring. What was that? That was the perfect sound effect for pulling off the ring. Someone hit the keyboard accidentally. It sounded like him pulling off the ring in disgust. He can't help it. No, but I'm asking about you two, the hosts of the show.

Yeah, on paper, yeah. You guys are married on paper yeah not not while we're doing the show so actually right now no oh wow so you have an arrangement yeah during the show anything goes anything goes because one of these days there might be some hot actress a gal gadot or something like that who comes in here and is like oh i had so much fun on the show. I want to fuck you. Well, that would be after the show if she's saying that. No, she could say it

on air. The only person he could conceive of marrying during a podcast is a hot actress. I know. I clocked that too, Hayes. Do you think I should be more elusive?

Not a hot scientist. No, not a hot politician who's actually trying to make real changes to some of these policies that have been causing big problems for the nation. Like AOC? She's pretty hot. Who are you talking about?

Who do you find attractive in that in that area i think that what i think that what is really hot is helping people so like a nancy pelosi type well what did you say pasta i said you said pasta yeah i said pasta like if you see that stuff there's there's smoke coming off it's there well also are tubes sometimes, so you can stick your penis into it. The inside of it. Well, have you seen some of these? They're basically like pockets. Wait, are you saying some of it is almost called penis?

Some of the tube ones. No, some of the pasta is named penis, basically. Get some Chef Ray R.D. ravioli. Put it in the microwave for 15 seconds. It's pretty gushy. That's what I'm saying. The inside is pretty gushy. Pasta can be pretty hot.

We have not had Chef Boyardee as a guest. That's the goal. That's the dream. That's why we started this thing. He doesn't do podcasts. That's why we called him Chef kevin so chef where do you what i guess get jealous yeah yeah i don't really remember it's the long game all i feel like there was speaking of guests who don't do podcasts i feel like i had a guest on

comedy bang bang once and you asked me hey do you think they would do hollywood handbook and i went to them and i said hey would you like to do? I actually did it. Which is, if you can believe it, I did a favor for you. I don't remember being bold enough to even ask. And I said, hey, do you want to do Hollywood Handbook? And they said, I mean, I did yours because I like you, but I do theirs

and suddenly I'm a podcast guy. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. Well, and that's Chef Boyardee's worry, I guess. Yeah. It's like, you know, nobody does podcasts until they finally do a podcast. Yeah, exactly.

And it's Chef Boyardee. It's not Podcast Boyardee. Yes, that's true for now. Sure. Right? Right. But, like, in this economy? Boy, you're telling me with Bidenomics these days days going up up up up the price of gas is now what 15 20 25 dollars yeah it's 15 a gallon just for it uh is do you

get a gallon for that now just just to just to get in the door. Yeah. My experience was to just be allowed to touch the pump. Yeah. Remember touch my monkey. Would you like to? Would I like to remember it? I guess. Cause I don't. I don't know why I'm bringing it up.

I don't even remember it. Would you like to remember touch my monkey? Hollywood handbook. This week on the Patreon, the boys helped me prepare for my podcast seminar on may 4th and the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball plus see hollywood handbook live in los angeles may 30th at the dynasty typewriter and if you can't make it to the show you can watch the live stream for a week check out all these shows and the video of today's episode with Scott at patreon.com slash theflaggertones.

Hollywood Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready-to-eat meals. Every fresh, never-frozen meal is chef-crafted, dietitian-approved, ready-to-go in just two minutes. Speaking of ready-to-go in just two minutes, Chef Kevin ready to go in just two minutes, Chef Kevin is here with his new show, The Chef Kevin Factor, where he creates fresh, never frozen meals.

Now, this is different, Kevin. I just want to establish. It's none of this, like, here's a pile of ingredients. Like, this is the meal. The meal has to be ready. It's not a recipe. Okay Like this is the meal. The meal has to be ready. It's not a recipe. Okay. This is the meal. You cook the full meal for us now, Kevin.

You don't just send us a bunch of stuff you had laying around in your cabinet. You're actually doing the cooking. And there are 35 different options to choose from every week, including Calorie Smart, Protein Plus, and Keto. Which is this? It's a little bit of all of them okay okay it shouldn't be there are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal the promises the meal makes

us sleepy you've been pushing that so much you're saying that you will be added on to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to do it's supposed to help you stay a lot of these i know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that reservation for two me walking in my bedroom what What's the second? It's you in your bed? My bed. I guess Clippy.

Fuel up fast with Factors Restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are. Pancake, smoothies, and more. Discover a wide variety of easy options for the entire day, like breakfast, midday bites, and more. No, we didn't even... This is not even up for consideration,

so let's just hear what the actual meal was. What was the food? I don't want to go to bed. It's very simple. It's one huge chicken nugget. Sign up and save. We've done the math. Factor is less expensive than takeout.

Every meal is dietitian approved to be nutritious and delicious. Head to factormeals.com slash theboys50 and use code the boys 50 to get 50 off that's code the boys 50 at factor meals.com slash the boys 50 to get 50 off be a better you in 2024 with babble the science-backed language learning app that actually works don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language and the question that i always get people stop me and they say like hey i like i i trust you i know like you when you endorse a product it's something that you really use and care about but there's one language i'm trying to learn and that's body language so can babble teach me body language yes babble now has

visual in-person lessons part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks babbles designed by real people for real conversations and that includes body-based conversations what does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them they're pulling it what does that mean does their whole finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or them they're pulling it what does that mean does their finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying to pull down the spider down yeah but i've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out

what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're standing in the middle. And as I'm driving and I'm cruising, they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost. And they're really aggressively pushing it out. And I'm like, am I supposed to drive out of the car? Or just do it out the window as I'm going.

That's what I've been doing. Dangerous. But some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others. Can't feel good to be others there. Continue to prove Babbel is better.

One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. Babbel has over 60 million subscriptions sold. All of their 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee. Here's a special limited-time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash the boys. Get 55% off at

babbel.com slash the boys, spelled B-A-B-E-L dot com slash the boys. B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L. Dot com slash the boys. Rules and restrictions may apply.

With Babbel, we can't promise it'll always be easy, but you'll always be glad you did it. Kind of like this podcast, except it is easy for me. Hey, guys. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills. You can see all your subscriptions in one place. And if I see something I don't want, I can cancel it with a tap.

I never have to get on the phone with customer service. The subscriptions are insidious. They're the scourge of our modern life. And you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged. you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged. I know that I was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie, 27 dresses before I found out how much it was costing that they intended to send me, by the way, you'll, this will shock you 54. If I did not cancel. And I, you know, I think also by like dress 14, 15, I think it starts to become clear.

Like these aren't the dresses. Oh no. They were not from the movie. They didn't resemble anything from the movie. They were not. They were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear. Yeah. And one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette it

was a french raspberry vinaigrette dressing oh they'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20 all you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest they have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and that was i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the dresses. Well, yeah. I mean, you're talking about Hollywood memorabilia. You're talking about ornate gowns in some cases.

And so that was costing me a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys that's rocketmoney.com slash the boys rocketmoney.com slash the boys hollywood i'm on the amazon page uh-huh of what the book the book it's gotta be are there reviews i haven't even checked this are there reviews it comes out today by the way It's got to be. Are there reviews? I haven't even checked this.

Are there reviews? It comes out today, by the way. New book today. That's not what this page says. Is that Tuesday today? Oh, Tuesday today? Yes, the day this comes out. See, being a professional, I know. That's why I asked before the show.

I said, hey, show them. Who did you ask to do our show? Who did I ask you to ask? I'll tell you afterwards because it is someone you know. Wow. The guts. Yeah. God, I'm so proud of me just i know i can't believe you did that i put on my big boy pants to be honest scott arkman and say can you

please ask your friend to do my show please to be honest it may have been the sklars because i get you guys confused well okay and that sounds like much more of a sklar move probably but you guys are twins right sklar face except you asked they asked you to say hello to your little friend have they done god i gotta call mike ferret funny or die because sklar face is actually yeah this is good. Yes. That could be powerful. I think that one won't be going straight to the crypt. No reviews for this one,

but... No reviews yet. It's not out. There's a sponsored ad on the page. Whoa. For the official Chuck Norris fact book. 101 of Chuck's favorite facts and stories written by the

actual Chuck Norris. Whoa. Wow. This is exciting news. Story about the time he got bit by a snake. Chuck Norris facts number one. Chuck Norris was bit by a cobra wow after five days of excruciating pain the cobra died wait the cobra was in pain for five days

yeah there's actually the cobra the cobra was excruciating pain huh there's a there's a sentence missing from the story oh what uh at the end because that was two sentences no it's it goes in the center right in the middle what's do you mind me asking what the same yeah i'm paraphrasing because it's been a while since I heard the story, but it's Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra. Then I think the cobra got his dick stuck in a light socket. The cobra got his cobra or he got- His cobra dick. His cobra dick stuck in a light socket. Yeah, he started-

In a light socket. A light socket. So one of those electrical sockets you only use for lights. Yeah, this one was light specific. Yeah. Just the right. Had the right amount of juice. Ampage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ampage, yes. That's the word I was looking for. It had the right ampage. I'm not even sure if I'm using it correctly. No, it had the right ampage. I'm not even sure if I'm using it correctly. No, it had the right impage.

Yeah, and the cobra was just enamored. I didn't know that snakes in general had peni. Well, that's why it's such an interesting Chuck Norris fact to me. That's why it's number one, baby. You almost

don't need him being bitten by the cobra in the story. I actually don't know him being bitten by the cobra in the story. I actually don't know why that would be in the middle of the two sentences because it doesn't have anything to do with the first sentence. It doesn't have anything to do with the second sentence. You don't think it has anything to do with the second sentence? Well, the cobra died five days later. Is that the reason that he died? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I guess editing, I would say the final two sentences are germane to the story right so i would say yeah the first part i mean you could the real story is story could be the cobra died the like yes one day that's the story yes like the cobra died you know yeah but i guess i guess this turns it into now facts about a certain cobra. And unless there are like a hundred more facts about this one cobra. Cobra's got dicks, right?

Like that's the, I mean. That could be fact number one. That seemed to be what really captured your imagination. Yeah, well, yeah. Yeah. I thought they had, I don't know what I thought they had. Yeah, what did you think was going on downstairs? Holes?

Cloacles? Mm-hmm. Yeah, but that's a bird thing. Yeah, that's a bird thing. But that's a bird thing yeah that's a bird but that's a bird thing yeah birds ain't reptiles did dinosaurs become birds i know i know we talked about this on a recent show but they had uh some heavy hangers downstairs wow it was the truth yeah no dinosaurs had real big ones dragon wow yeah dragons because they were dragging that hog around. Shit. I had no idea. Dinosaurs have big ones. Big scaly green ones. Wow.

That's the way it was back then, man. You couldn't get away from the meteor. You couldn't do that today. That's the thing. They got killed by a meteor, but it wasn't meatier than them. They had a lot of meat. Everything's so woke now.

You can't even have a big scaly green one today yeah you couldn't make a jurassic park movie these days nope no you couldn't you couldn't do it because thanks to the woke mind virus yeah yeah now everyone can enjoy it because you're gonna get triggered by a big scaly green one you can't see yeah a guy going poop in a movie anymore yeah which they did show in that i don't i don't want my kids to go to jurassic park because i don't want them to see two dinosaurs fucking just hardcore fucking for 20 minutes in the middle of the movie it's like come on yeah we're so protective sick yeah that makes me sick it's like where do you think you come from like we all got here because dinosaurs were fucking that's the thing like i just had a nepo baby and uh first day

showed her porn because i was like this is where you come from yeah now yeah that's that said cool up and i did not have to have sex in order for this to happen no but the the porn act you were showing wasn't sex either no no that's simulated sex you didn't have to have sex after you saw porn no no no that's crazy i have to so you're what are the steps the steps it makes me think it makes me think of having sex it makes you think of having porn does yeah i got and i have to go have it it inceptions me with the idea of sex yeah that's so great i'd never have put the two together no it really yes it really does for some reason that's so funny we haven't talked about this it's connected to sex in my mind yes i've never put that together usually i'll turn

on a porn i'll watch it for about 55 minutes you know because i have a spare hour yeah and i at the end of it i turn it off and i could just go about the rest of my day you turn it off but i get turned on interesting and you've never put that together but i start putting it together as soon as i turn it off when i'm turned off i'm just saying this is the different ways we experience it okay engineer rochelle was like you guys talked about porn and the last episode i recorded with you for a long time she's like is this every episode so maybe it's you as your rochelle yeah we didn't do this and you and you and you suggest something else like if like you know what do you want to hear about at least come up with an alternative thing

you know like this is freedom this is what we do on this show you know like we just we talk about this is freedom now oh that makes sense it should be yeah yeah rochelle thinks this is this is freedom yeah okay now we can talk about whatever i mean it's forward by jack quaid May I touch the book? The Past Tense of Jack Hay. The Past Tense of Jack Hay. The Past Particable of Jack Hay. Jack Quaid. Was there a discussion at any point of... Because so many people contributed to the book.

Yeah, me being in the book. Over 50 people. Over 50, yeah. Was there any discussion of having... over 51 over 51 52 or 52 even i mean if you're yeah that makes sense there's a bunch of cards in there right how about two more real cards how about two more yeah uh yeah how about you add a couple of jokers then you'd have a full deck um uh did you think about hayes and i doing anything like i mean it's a it's a comedy book yeah oh yeah yeah jack quaid that's right you gotta have jack quaid and tatiana maslany the

famous they're very funny have you have they been on this show yes yep they have any next question yes yes next easy one yes both what's each barely yes how did that come about i don't know come about what am i on a sailboat yeah uh basically what happened on a sailboat what happened was... You should certainly feel sick. One episode on a sailboat. What happened was, and it's very simple, we saw they had done Company Bang Bang, and we said, Jesus Christ, maybe they'll do our... We said, last time we asked Scott if he would ask them, it didn't go so hot. We didn't even know if he did it.

And so we just asked them directly, and they said yes, which is what we should have done with whoever you were talking about. Yeah. No, I mean, Tatiana and Jack, they were both fans. You say Tatiana? Tatiana. How are you supposed to say it? I just don't know if it's Tatiana.

Tatiana. Okay, that just sounds off to me. Yeah. Are you doing your Gal Gadot again? Your famous Gal Gadot impression? Tatiana, I love you. They were fans and I wanted a couple of intros from fans. They were fans and then they were on the show.

The fact that they happened to be famous people was, I didn't even realize it until after they wrote their introductions. I was kind of like, oh, let's get a couple of fans to write intros. Sucks because it made it look like it was just like trying to grasp for like the biggest celebrity you could get a hold of. Same thing with Lin-Manuel Miranda. He was a fan, but I didn't even realize that. I was like, I just kind of, you know, cast the net.

And I was like, hey, do any fans want to write intros for this? And those three. Three people said yes. It's weird. Now I'm seeing the intersection of how, yeah, they're all famous. And they used to submit catchphrases and stuff too right oh yeah some of the best ones some of the best ones yeah oh well they're all good alexander hamilton that was one of the catchphrases that lynn yeah he wanted he did hamilton yeah it's funny man funny play

it's a funny play laugh my ass off dude because there's a lot of lies in it. Cracking up. What do you think? What was lies about it? The fact that... The whole thing was complete bullshit. The fake stuff. The fact that the cast was comprised of people of color? Oh, that...

That's where you... I just listened to it. Draw the line? I just listened to the original cast recording. I didn't even notice that. But if that was a big concern for you, then that. Let me guess. Who's your favorite character?

I'm just going to take it up with him. Who's your favorite character? The king. King George. King George, yeah. That shit works. In any era, that worked. King was doing something a little different.

And for me, he was serving. He wasn't rapping. I'll give you that. He sang a song. But yeah, I do. Three times he sang it. Wow, you're a real fan. He sang a song but he didn't

just sing it once. He sang what they call a reprise. Second time is great. No, first time is great. First time's great. Second time is annoying. Third time is a spanking.

That's what I was taught. Okay, and who was teaching you a vicious headmaster of some kind i think anytime you do like one thing and you get laughs yeah and there because second time is annoying third time is a spanking whatever you've done it almost 500 times is that how many episodes you've done that's it's getting close that's 10 years is it almost 10 years it's hard to tell it's hard to tell because we don't have the big press tour that the 500th episode of comedy vague vague had yeah the oral history is pretty short it's actually just the podcast itself were you guys involved in the oral history of we actually did you get a quote in there that one that one i'm trying to remember i know we're not in the book you're not

in the book yeah history i i uh apologize for uh that you're not in the book i does it sound better or worse that i didn't even think to put you in it i guess that's better than you thought about it and said no that would right like yeah no that's better never even popped in my head never crossed your mind no never because if it had popped into my head and i went hell no yeah that's a real fucking way that's more more cruel i think yeah yeah no i just i i was focused on just an oversight you're busy you know you're frazzled i was actually had nothing to do busy yeah weren't busy yeah no this is during the pandemic we put this together so i was really looking for tasks um no i was just i was mainly

focused on the fans and what they would want you know and and um you know yeah i mean you could because you were you on the you you were on comedy bang bang once right yeah my god yes i guess that's technically true yeah i just all the time we were we did then we were on it again and that one was definitely annoying and then we did it a third time. And I, what did I do? And you did, yeah, that's right. So this is all, yeah. The student became the teacher, I guess. Pretty big spanky, yeah.

But it's hard to remember because I've done so many episodes. You know, I've done 800 now. Do you remember how many Jack Quaid has done? He's done a good four. I guess three is not a very many were bad at my opinion three is one of the worst fours it's not when you're looking at fours it's not even in the top 10 of fours it's terrible because okay let's run down the top 10 of fours at number one is yeah number 10 you have four uh number nine that's gotta be four right i would never even yeah eight is probably i guess i would put four at a no competition

yeah yeah except for number seven which is four that's probably four yeah yeah six is six i know i mean i'm gonna catch heat for this six i would actually say should be four yeah yeah yeah i think four through six are almost like tied they're almost it's almost like they're tied at four four Four has to be four. Yeah. Yeah. And then. So four, five, and six are all. Five is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They're all tied for four, but it's six is four, five is four, and four is four. Four is four. Three is four. A lot of people put. Or wait. A lot of people put four at number three. Put four third. Yeah.

And I. My ranking is I have four third. Right right and then one and two are like a tie for me it's almost one and one a right and i'd put probably four you had four two yeah yeah yeah yeah i have no beef with that i like i mean i'm i don't i have what's your number almost the exact same list what's your number one number one yeah it's for me the number one is like a personal right thing no i know yeah it's not like the universal like the whole world agrees on number one because you can't pick a best of anything like it's always you bring your experience to it right so for me i say that

number one is four four forty i can see i mean i see your 44 44 44 that honestly that's one of the best fours because it's like there's two of them it used but yeah it's that it used to be 69 Yeah, it's that. It used to be 69. Yeah. Top 10 for... My number one is 420. What do you think of that, Paul? Who's Paul?

Top 10 for... This guy is always talking about how he loves Letterman. When you do Letterman at him... Yeah. He doesn't... It's completely fake. He acts like he doesn't love it. This is what's crazy about Scott. And you're a friend.

So I say it with love. He says he loves Letterman. But when you do Letterman at him, all of a sudden it's like he's not enjoying it. Maybe I don't like Letterman. Could you do some more? You may not because Hayes just did a pretty spot on one. Yeah. The Paul thing.

Where basically you said, what do you think of that, Paul? And I assumed you were talking about someone in the room with us. So I didn't get it. Who's in the room? I mean, I can't even see. Is there someone named Paul in there? That's what I was wondering. I was looking looking i looked a little bit to my right because then i could see how that would be confusing yeah do you know any pauls well i mean there was another one like who i guess he's also a fan of your show but he was

asked to write another forward for you who's that i mean paul f tompkins he was on your show but he was asked to write another forward for you who's that i mean paul f tomkin he was on your show like 300 times which is i guess i guess is a pretty good four that's a pretty good i mean as fours go i mean it's not top 10 i read that you like that you like thinking that podcasting is the future of comedy. Okay, let me just clarify this. That's great for me. And awesome for you. You got a podcast.

Yeah. Let me clarify this because in the bulk of the interview, you read my actual quote, which is, at the time, I considered podcasting to be the future of comedy. We're talking about 10 years ago. They lift that and make the headline, Scott Aukerman thinks podcasting is the future of comedy. No, I fucking don't.

Do you believe that it was the future of comedy? Do you still believe that it was the future of comedy? Not for you. Nothing to do with me. You guys had such promising careers. When I met you, oh my God. You were so kind of wet behind the ears. You were so green.

But I could tell I was like- Bear with suspenders. I was like, give these guys 10 years and people will get them i was so off i was so off can i talk about one thing in this article yeah this is talking about 95 we're going back to 1995 1995 batman super, fuck it around. And you're at the comedy store and it says... The world famous comedy store. Scott, he explains that the comedy world at the time

was dominated by, quote, very safe Tim Allen type stuff. Shots fired. Shots fired. Tim Allen caught a stray. Yeah. Very safe. So safe he went to fucking jail yeah he wasn't doing big enough mountains yeah he wasn't a dangerous guy like you jesus christ guy who's in fucking prison man it's true that's true i mean put me in a room with him and freaking panama

powder yeah he'll probably too safe put me in a prison cell with him he'll probably... Too safe. Put me in a prison cell with him. He'll rat me out so he can get a better lunch. Fucking rat. He's a bad guy, man. Do you think that he was...

He was using power tools. Yeah. That's not safe. do you think in the toy story movies he ever ratted out like one of the other cast members like don rickles or yeah hey wallace sean has been like that's just what he does they get extra coffee every day that's just what he does on in any situation it's hurting the bottom line of the production. You know what I mean? That's money that could be in my pocket. Speaking of which. What do you think of what he had to say about Pamela Anderson?

Like he basically... What'd he say? Hubba hubba? No, she said that he exposed himself to her. Oh my gosh. And he denies it and said that Disney... And you called that very safe humor that's true that's a good point really safe tim allen type who just used power tools without really understanding

how they worked did tons of cocaine went to confesses his ratted out man he's never seen his entire face at least he could grow a mustache you ever see his mugshot he's got that sweet mustache oh yeah yeah i could barely grow i missed that man so i mean he's got that up on me and look the guy's so successful i doubt he's listening to this show although he might be searching the internet to hear his name he might tell me that the disney corporation is really upset with me about what i had to say about him in that article oh yeah so his yeah so we didn't get to his response so she said that he did that and then he said disney's mad at pam man he said i've never done that and and disney uh is very upset that you would lie about that like implying you're never gonna work for dis. He talked to Disney.

Yeah. Well, just got a call from Disney. Yeah. Not in the best mood. The mouse house. Podcasting can be transformative in terms of an audience discovering your work. He says,

it's all very, it's all very surprising. Does that sound like something I would say? I mean, this, this is what did you actually say? This is what happens. this is what had a funny tone to it or something yeah tell me what you go in there cracking jokes and then they just write up whatever they want to write uh and then they say said scott right afterwards and it's like bro i'm giving you gold here and you're like throwing it in the trash and then taking your garbage out

and polishing it and going like would you like this instead they're polishing the gold off it some gold got on it when they threw the gold in the trash it's like oh my trash is dirty with this gold get it off and it's like bro i want my gold i you threw my gold away gold it's way more valuable than the trash gold is so much more valuable than trash so you had actually said podcasting can be transformers in terms of an audience discovering yeah and then i like then i started doing like optimus prime impressions yeah like talking about the all spark and shit and she was yeah she was on the floor like you hear about rofl yeah she literally was rolling around wow and like running in a circle while yeah it was crazy she she was dying laughing she was like she was like i have not had tears in

my eyes for 27 years not even when my father passed away and i'm crying laughing at how funny you are and then she doesn't put it in the fucking thing that's so crazy maybe it just didn't translate to text like because when you say optimus prime impression yeah you could put in a parenthetical like does optimus prime impression does perfect optimus prime it's some it's some fat cat upstairs though who goes like i don't know what this means you know somebody who's out of touch not young cool people like us who like immediately go like oh i know what that sounds like but it's some old some white guy white guy right yeah yeah rich old Uncle Pennybags is up in his tower.

With his monocle looking at the article saying, I don't approve of this. Optimus Prime was a friend of mine. You ever wear a monocle, by the way? I have done it, yes. I wear two. Yeah, me too. Mine's a monocular.

I'm so rich I can't do it. Rel get related to that you said it's all very surprising that it's worked out financially that was never really the point yeah so that give me give me that it's it's when has it when did it become the point it feels like it's been the point for a while that i did say that and but you have to know i was lying i mean they need a parenthetical there lie that's the thing i found is you can just lie to these people and write the shit down they just write it down and yeah fact checker called me and was like administered you know an oath and was like do you actually believe this and i lied under oath i was like yeah of course i believe it yeah who cares but it's like what are you gonna do to me throw me in jail yeah for lying to the wall street journal i'll just rat everybody out yeah go elect with tim allen easy

peasy yeah um the book yeah you know obviously a lot of people collaborated on it and you as with the podcast have platformed a lot of different voices and that is generous but i worry that you minimized your own contribution and so something we had discussed possibly was doing the hollywood handbook book yeah would you is that what you would call it hollywood hand the hollywood hand sounds like you're stuttering hollywood hand hollywood handbook book yeah hollywood book book i'd stop at hand just hollywood hollywood hand that ours, to repay you, would be written entirely by you. Entirely by me. Just Scott.

Yeah, I only have maybe. Forward by Scott. Introduction by Scott. Yeah. Preface to the introduction, pre-forward by Scott. And the middle of it, Scott, that's where you just stretch out. That's where I get to just go nuts. You've got already a book, my sir.

It would be nice to do something that's not in such a strict, like almost oppressive format. Very rigid. Yes. Very puritanical in its structure. Play with the form, you know it's like hey this is proven you can follow the rules let's break stuff this is this is page four but then this is page 10

what did they skip five through nine it's like that's the kind of stuff that i would do if i could do my own book but amazing will be our book but it would be your you know it'd be your voice yeah you know which i feel which I worry got minimized. Yeah, I appreciate that because, yeah, you're right. I only wrote probably six pages of this. How familiar would I have to be with what you guys do? No more than we are. Does it feel like we know what we're doing?

I wanted to ask you, do you ever drop the act well about to drop you okay i'll take that as a no look i i think it's i did you see the new top gun movie and i'll explain why i bring this up but you don't have that final mission i'm just going to give spoilers i don't care if you've seen it or not but the final mission um they have to fly at such a low altitude because they're what flying under the radar right that's what you guys do and that's where you excel you know and that was a successful mission for maverick yeah for goose's son whatever his name was for the rest of the gang gosling goose's son is named ryan gosling ryan gosling yeah okay interesting but they they were able to like stealthily swoop in there blow up that country of unknown origins nuclear i guess basement it was you can tell you can tell they drop little

hints at the movie that it's the uk what were some of the hints you were picking up about it being the uk uk was it did you miss those i guess i maybe i did go to the restroom maybe six yeah all the all the all the guys they blew up were fugly uh bad teeth yeah yeah uh awesome powers is flying one of the enemy planes okay i thought i saw him basil exposition was there it smells like tea somebody keeps saying it smells like tea i thought i saw them in the background of one scene but um i was like that can't be awesome powers they they um they extract ted lasso first before they drop any of the bombs because thank god he's a friendly yeah yeah you see their their their their famous icon the fucking ferris wheel yeah who gives a shit it's weird right like what

they're obsessed with it this ferris wheel it's like hey you want me to look at this we have them at every fucking state fair in america yeah these things move around multiple why do you think this is cool so crazy they're so nuts if you pause the explosion it's like this is like something they the filmmakers did i don't think it's true to anything that happened but it's shards of football uh material it's all football it's all football football material yes it's all food it's all food fabric yes is just every all the screen it's confetti of football football fabric yeah well scott the other authors are we wrapping who have passed through this hallowed stage have all, of course, left their book behind

on the shelf. Right behind you. And forever there it shall remain. I guess I'm not seeing it. Oh, behind me? This way? Don't turn that way. Scott, don't turn that way.'s that's don't turn that exactly don't turn that way

uh homie don't turn that way um who else has written a book that's been on your show tom wolf tom wolf wow weird guy right because he's like he's a man but his name is wolf and it's like what are you a lycanthrope it's like come on what's going on here it's suspicious i feel like yeah i feel like i'm in the damn underworld yeah i feel like i'm in the damn power movie sus yes um i did bring this book for for kevin in case he hadn't ordered it um but i figured you guys kevin can i borrow just frisbee it right into his damn mallet. Yeah. I figured you guys don't give a shit,

right? Uh, I'm going to brat. I'm not even there, man. I'll, I'll skim. You'll skim.

Yeah. I'll just skip to the, you know, to your Lou, my darling. Yeah. I'll just skip to the Scott pages. You're going to be sorely disappointed.

Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.