Hollywood Handbook - Sean’s Leaked Saturday Night Live Audition

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

Chef Kevin "accidentally" leaks Sean’s audition to join the cast of Saturday Night Live.This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon ( www.mackweldon.com  code: THEBOYS) and Quip ( www.getquip.com/THEBOYS ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This weekend, when we would normally be recording Hollywood Handbook, I mean, Lorne would absolutely blow a gasket if some of our listeners were able to get their ears on these great characters before he's able to properly sort of introduce them via the SNL platform. I don't want to make any waves, so, yeah, don't release the episode, or I shouldn't call it an episode. Don't release the audition, and you'll figure out something to put out instead. Anyway, hope you're well. And was there anything else I wanted to say? While I have your voicemail. Oh, God, that's my plane.

My plane is boarding, but I don't want to leave a voicemail where I don't finish saying all my thoughts. God, that's my flight to Dallas, Fort Worth. Okay. You know what? Um, I'm going to cut the voicemail short It's killing me I feel like there's something else I was gonna say Uh Uh oh So You know I'm in there The table's all set up And I'm with Artie

Lang and Ellery. Swank. And we have created this really good-tasting turmeric drink. And we set up our sample table at Costco. It's available at Costco right now. And you get, you know, one bottle. It'll last you a month. You can do a shot every day. It

even comes with the little cup to measure it out and it decreases swelling in a natural way. And I'm looking at you and this is no offense to you, Chef Kevin, you're swollen as hell. I mean, you look like shit. You look like hell. You're so swollen because you haven't had any turmeric. Have you had any turmeric drink today? Hey guys, Chef Kevin. No, I have not. You haven't. And so this is the kind of thing where, yeah, we'll pour out a little cup for you and you try it in the store and people have tried this thing before and it's an ancient root. I mean, this root is so old. So there's an element of like, oh, is this going to taste bad? And if you've had it before, Kevin, it can.

But you haven't had ours. And we've made it taste great. And we're stopping ladies, families, people of every race and creed and creed to and everything. And we're saying, hey, here's have some of this drink. And they're liking it. But already, as you know, is a bit of a cut-up. And he keeps saying, just as they're getting the sip down, hey, I pissed him that. Artie.

Yes, it's funny, okay? We're cracking up right now. It's funny. But Hillary's frustrated. Sure. Because it's not her humor. No. And she and I both take this business seriously.

I always say, if you're going to do anything, do it all the way or only kind of do it. You know what I mean? Yes, but it's good to sometimes not take yourself too serious. Not to be too serious. So you're on Artie's side of this. A little bit. Chef Kevin, I didn't think, I didn't know you had the backbone. Okay. Well, I'd like to try to see it from his perspective, but he didn't piss in it. True. And what's the name of the book that they used to make you buy when you took UCB 101? Truth and Comedy.

Truth and Comedy, Kevin. So is it really funny for him to say that? Would Beer Shark Mice have said that? Because that is the old Chicago improv group they referenced in that book several times. Would the guys from Beer Shark Mice have said that? No, they wouldn't. They wouldn't because it's not truth.

Because he didn't do a piss in it. No. All he did was he ground up some turmeric. He combined it with spices and juices to make it more pleasant to drink. And you have one shot a day. And I got to tell you, you wouldn't be so swollen, Kevin. Yes, it hurts.

The swelling. It looks uncomfortable. It looks uncomfortable. So, hi, everyone. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. And instead of kicking my drum and hitting some recovery line back on, what is this industry we call showbiz? It's a little bit of a strange episode.

You're probably already hearing, hmm, there's something missing and I like it. I'm kidding. There's something missing and I, and I don't like it. We don't have Hayes today. Why? Did Hayes and I get in a fight? Is Hayes okay? Hayes is fine. what up what up yeah thanks so and so um and if I sound a little strange

it's only because I got a batch of mouth ulcers and I have sort of a patch that I've put on them so it makes it a little harder to move my mouth

jeez great day to do the podcast by yourself that I've put on them. So it makes it a little harder to move my mouth. Great day to do the podcast by yourself. So, but I asked for this. Hayes is fine. Everything's okay. What happened was I've gotten kind of a unique opportunity. I met someone a few weeks ago who's from New York.

And we all know that in New York is where they make the show. Sorry, I don't know. And that it's comedy college. I feel like here at Earwolf, this has been my comedy high school. Rock and roll high school. Explain that. Because I think it's kind of fun and it's like we have a cool energy. You know, sometimes kids are pulling pranks

at the back of the classroom and stuff. Yeah. You know, conversations of sneaking cigs from the parents or the older brothers now does that help me get to my thing no but it's just a little context for the listener keep going

so it's sort of been like comedy high school and yeah we've been pantsing the t-shirts right we've been spitting spitballs at Chris Bannon and, and Lex and Lex. Um, but we've also, uh, been learning and I feel like I'm ready to go to college and get my degree. And that is SNL. So I meet this guy from New York. He is one of these pizza guys.

He eats pizza. He is a real tough New Yorker. He's got that thing about him. Well, I don't have to keep it. His name is Adam Pally. And so Pally has told me that if I give him a tape, because he lives near SNL, he'll slide it under the door and I am allowed to audition for the show. And so I said to Hayes, I can't miss this. This is too important. Will you let me have one full episode of our podcast to record at SNL audition

he of course said yes I'm busy I've been meaning to go on a trip anyway I don't even know where he went do you know where he is Dubai I don't think so wait do it again. I have something.

Do you even know where he is? Dubai? Yes, I'm asking you. We should put that in the audition. That could be good. I think we're going to have a lot of good stuff, so if there's room for it, that'll be great. Now, I know normally, Ryan, Engineer Ryan.

Hey. You're something of an SNL super fan. Is that right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know the show inside and out. I've been watching since the beginning. Yeah, since the beginning, the Taron Killam years. So that is very helpful for us.

So I'm going to be leaning on you a little bit. And also, I know that the new contract says that the engineers aren't allowed to edit our show at all. But I'd love if you could even highlight for me, I think I'm going to try to do about 200 to 240 characters, inspired by Twitter, of course, during the course of the show. And my hope, you know, my goal is that we get three or four good ones out of this. And so if you could highlight which ones really work for you, that would be great. Okay. I'll let you know. Okay. So that'll

be good. So I did have one, one idea and they usually start the show and we can structure this a little bit like an episode uh where it gets crazier and weirder as it goes they usually start the show with like a big news story is there anything lately going on hmm is there anything in the news lately. What about that person that called Trump a motherfucker? Okay. All right. Kind of edgy. Can I even do that? There was a funny car chase last night.

Oh, or a car chase. So, okay. Got a lot of options. Okay, so we could do a car chase sketch. Okay, so that could be good. chase sketch. Okay. So that could be good. So I noticed a lot of times... That's good, Ryan. That's helpful.

So I noticed that a lot of times they will use all these political people. Yes. And then in the cold open especially, they'll be the political people because they are doing news. And this is who's making the news. So could you get me, Kevin, a list of the Senate? The Senate? Because, yes, because that's the guys that are doing, I think, the news a lot.

Sure. But are there any senators that you think I could pull off that maybe could be doing this news car chase thing? Okay. How about Ron Johnson from Wisconsin? Perfect. Ron Johnson from Wisconsin. Hey, Wisconsin, eh? You want some maple syrup? So we've got a little bit of a

wheelhouse here Yeah, Lauren will like this Okay, and so Ryan anything about the car chase in particular I should work into this sketch? Um Slow Okay, it's really slow the guy got out of the car very slowly at the end

okay no spoilers huh all right and i'll do news man we go live now to ron johnson Johnson from Wisconsin who is watching the car chase, and he's going to talk about it. Hey, it's me, Ron Johnson, eh? I'm going to now throw it to somebody else, another senator. Get one, get one. Okay. Doug Jones from Alabama.

Hey, it's me, Doug Jones. I'm watching this frigging guy driving around all crazy. I'm going to throw it to somebody else. Give me a lady. Show my range. Lady, lady, lady. Jerry. Lisa Murkowski from Arkansas.

It's me, Lisa. Okay, give me a different one. I don't want to be too dicey if I do it too much. Patty Murray from Washington. Well, not another lady. Okay. Rand Paul. Hey, not another lady. Okay. Rand Paul. Hey, it's me, Rand.

I'm watching the car chase here. Okay. No, no, no, hang on. This is something I noticed they really say on car chases. He appears to be trying to evade the officers. He's in no real plan. He just seems to be trying to evade the officers. No real plan. He just seems to be trying to get away. No way to know exactly what's going on inside his head in that vehicle.

He's driving erratically. There he goes on the wrong side of the street. Okay, and that was close. That was close. He was on the wrong side of the street. Okay. And he, that was close. That was close. He was on the wrong side of the street. He was, and he seems to not want to be captured by police and he's driving in a way to not get caught by them. Yes. I've noticed that too. He's driving faster than they are and in the opposite way of how they're going. And when he sees one, he'll turn almost as if to get away from them. Yes, he doesn't want, again, I don't want to speculate as to his state of mind.

I'm not an expert. I don't know the man driving the vehicle, but it seems to me he doesn't want to be captured by cops for doing crimes. And he just threw something out the window. Maybe it was a crime. Maybe it was. Maybe it was. And so he didn't want to have that in the car,

so he got it out of the window. And again, I don't want to, I don't, I'm not friends with this man. He's not my dad. We don't know each other, so I don't want to say, hey, I know this guy better than anybody, and I'm not, I'm so much smarter than you. But as somebody who is pretty smart, I think, oh, you're really smart.

Yeah, as somebody who's pretty smart, I want to say it kind of seems like he's hoping they don't do trouble on him for doing a bad crime. Okay, so that's the car chase sketch. Great. That was good. Boom. And then we that's the car chase sketch. Great. That was good. Boom. And then we'll go into the monologue. Sure.

First, we'll do the opening credits. And what do you guys think I should be doing in the opening credits in terms of like a cool New York activity? Here's an idea. First thought. And give me feedback. Okay. One of the cast members, whoever you want, Pete Davidson or whatever, is in a handsome cab.

Like a horse and carriage is riding in it. We pan forward. Who's pulling the handsome cab? It's not a horse. It's me. That's good. You know what I mean? And we're having a little fun with it because I

notice a lot of the time in the opening credits they're looking sexy and cool in New York but we're missing an opportunity for a joke of like hey, let's face it. Yeah. I'm kind of like a horse. You can say it. You can say it. Will you be of like a horse. You can say it. You can say it.

Will you be dressed like a horse? Well, great question, Ryan. And this is why I brought you in because you are the SNL master. What do you think they would do? They have a big costume budget. Yeah, I would dress like a horse. Dress like a horse. Great idea.

So I should be dressed like a horse, but not so much that you don't know it's me right because it will probably put my name on the screen or something okay so i'll be dressed partially like a horse and pulling it now did you guys have a different new york idea uh similar also a horse pulling pete davidson but then we pan the other direction and you're on a skateboard behind it like holding on to it i'm sketching yeah you're sketching i'm sketching you're going i'm sketching don't tell yeah i'm getting a free ride exactly that's badass i was thinking also just to be a little more current, close on the sexy duck. There's a famous sexy mandarin duck that lives in New York right now. The sexy duck turns to camera and then appears to levitate off the pond as you realize the sexy duck is just a hat that I've been wearing.

As I've been like breathing through a reed. And I come out of the water and I'm like, shh, don't you tell anybody now. So that's some of the stuff I'll do in the opening credits. And maybe it's a triplet. They don't usually do that for a brand new cast member, but maybe it's a triplet where we're doing, or a triptych. Maybe it's the screen is in thirds,

and you see each of my little mini sketches, and you're already ready to laugh on this. Now, we're going to have the host come out and do a monologue. So one of the things I wanted to work on was casually talking to famous people during their monologue, like interrupting their monologue to ask them a question. So like say somebody who you think would host. John Cena. John Cena's hosting. John Cena?

John Cena's hosting. So, you be John Cena coming out and being like, I'm so excited to host SNL. Hey, everyone. All right. John Cena. Yes. We got a great show tonight. We're going to have so much fun. Hey, I don't know if you guys...

Hey, John. Hey, Sean. Hey, how was your summer, man? It was good. I went on a great vacation. Okay, Sean. Hey, how was your summer, man? It was good. I went on a great vacation. Okay, so that's, yeah. I feel like this is something. So you're asking just a nice question.

So, well, hang on, because this is how they do a lot of these. Yeah. So say somebody else that you think would host. Okay. Do like Patty Heaton, Patricia Heaton. Okay, Patricia Heaton. Okay, newbie. And Ryan, do you want to be Patricia Heaton?

I don't know who that is, but yeah. Should I Google them really fast? Sure, sure, sure. She was in the reboot of The Goodbye Girl. I don't know what that is either. Okay, go ahead. Hey, it's Patricia Heaton here from... Hey, hey, hey, Patricia.

Sorry to interrupt. They're going to be in Everybody Loves Raymond reboot? Oh, that's who I am. Have you thought about doing it? Okay, she wouldn't say that necessarily. Whoa. You know what I mean? She wouldn't necessarily say that. But this is the kind of thing they do

a lot where, you know, it's part of the way through the monologue and then a cast member and it's nice because you get to learn their names because Patricia Heaton, you should have done what Kevin did which Kevin, very good job, has gone, Oh, hey Sean, what's going on? And I go, hey, I got to ask. I love everybody in this room.

I've seen them all a hundred times. Are you guys going to do a reboot ever? Yeah. And she goes, I don't know. I guess that'd be up to Ray. And then Ray Romano stands up at the audience and, whoo! Oh, excuse me.

It's up to me. Yeah. Hey, how's it up to me? You know. I asked you to do it last week and then she goes well i can't do it because brad garrett doesn't want to do it and then brad goes excuse me and he's like he's like now hang on um no way and everybody whoo yeah and that and then you, so on and so forth. Was she the mom in the middle? She was, wasn't she?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I know who she is now. Yeah. Okay. The middle, I don't think I'm going to ask her to reboot that one. No.

Because it's too soon. Yeah. If we're saying I'm still on the show in 10, 15 years, okay. Let's do it. Let's bring Patty in. I'll ask her if she wants to reboot the middle. So these are some good monologue pieces. What else might a cast member be doing during the monologue?

Maybe like a song or a dance number where you could come in and join them. Right, right, right. So say somebody else who might host okay uh duane the rock johnson okay so it's all wrestlers for you i had an idea that the rock could be doing one of his direct to camera instagram videos where he goes like hey it's four in the morning i just got off set these people have been waiting out to see me They've been waiting on the corner for about 7 hours I'm gonna drive by there And give them a little bit of a thrill

They've been waiting here all night Hey guys Get the fuck out of my way I'm fucking with them I fuck with my fans Hey guys no seriously come on let's talk And so what he'll do is He looks crazed

he's been up for he's been up for and everyone he's been up for about 36 hours he shows you a little bit that he's like a human being and a fun guy by having exactly one swear early on and doing some sort of semi-prank on a fan before he then shows you that he loves his fans and is a nice guy. Yeah. What if he's doing an Instagram video where he's going to meet his fan, who he assumes has been waiting for 36 hours, but it's just you eating a slice of pizza or something?

That could be good. If people knew these Instagram videos as well as I'm hoping they do, just for me to have even brought it up. Yeah, that could work. So it's the Rocky comes out. He goes, Hey, it's so great to be hosting SNL. And I, I always love being in front of a live audience because so often, you know, I'm working on a set and I've got the cameras there and I don't get to talk directly to my fans. And so I'm just going to come down and just face-to-face meet some of my fans. And hey, you, buddy, how'd you like an autograph from The Rock? And I go, excuse me, I'm reading my newspaper.

That's good. And that's Newspaper Man. He could be in a lot of other stuff. Yep. Let me write that down. Newspaper Man. Newspaper Man. Okay, hang on. Newspaper Man. He could be in a lot of other stuff. Yep. Let me write that down. Newspaper Man. Newspaper Man. Okay, hang on.

Newspaper Man. Newspaper Man. Newspaper. Newspaper Man. That's good. So that's really good. So that's two birds, one stone. Yeah. Because that's the rock and it's newspaper man.

And that was me not just casually talking and going like, hey, how was your summer? Or like, are you going to reboot your show? Or like, hey, settle something between me and Kyle. Like, that's something they might do. Like, you're coming out, and you're being The Rock, and you're going like, hey, I can't wait. This is my dream to host SNL.

And I go, The Rock, can you, Dwayne, can you settle a bet between me and Kyle? Can you bench press a bus? Guys, guys, guys, I'm in the middle of trying to host. Well, hold on, The Rock. Kyle says that you can, and I say that no way. You can actually bench press two buses. Guys, I'm very strong.

I don't know if I can bench press a bus. Come on, Dwayne. And that might be something that we would do. Okay, so now we're through the monologue. Yeah. It's time for a sketch. I'm going to have to showcase some characters. Sure.

Okay. I guess what I want to do... Okay, let's start out. First, we got to do celebrities. Usually, they want like three celebrities and three original characters. Okay. So the first celebrity I'm going to do is Lyle from the show Escape at Dannemora. Did you watch Escape at Dannemora?

Interesting. No, I've never heard of it. Okay. Escape at Dannemora was, it starred Benicio Del Toro, Paul Dano, Patricia Arquette, and this discovery, this man who played Patricia Arquette's husband, Lyle. Yeah. Patricia Arquette and Lyle work together at a prison. She, her character, Tilly, is having an affair with some of the inmates there and wants to, you know, gets caught up in this scheme to help them escape.

True story, happened in upstate New York. So this is Lyle from Escape at Dannemora, the Showtime limited series. Hey, I was thinking we could eat at King's Walk tonight. Kelly? King's Walk? Kelly? King's Walk? What are you thinking, Chinese?

King's Walk? So that is Lyle from Escape at Dannemora. Is that Benicio del Toro? No, no, no, no. But I will do Benicio del Toro from Usual Suspects now. His character's name was Fenster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who fibby you?

Who fibby for real? That's Benicio del Toro in Usual Suspects, a film from 1996. I saw that 1996. Okay. I saw that one. Good. I already did some senators.

Okay. Here's an idea I had. So obviously they don't need me to do Trump. No. Because Baldwin does Trump.

Yeah. But do they need me to do Baldwin doing Trump does Trump. Yeah. But do they need me to do Baldwin doing Trump? Whoa. Yeah. So sometimes these sketches can get a little bit meta. Yes. And what if we kind of get inside it and I come in as Baldwin playing Trump in one of the SNL sketches?

In one of the SNL sketches. Now, they've been in a little bit of hot water because they've done some stuff that implies that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are having a sexual affair. So funny. Kevin, I'm not going to say that I agree or disagree. I'm just going to say they've gotten in trouble for that. Okay. Okay. We want to stay away from that.

Got it. But we still got to apply it. You know what I mean? Like we don't want to do anything explicit. We want to do something that walks the line where if someone does post a comment on Twitter that says like SNL, can you please stop the sort of homophobic stuff where your way to kind of insult Trump and Putin is that they, uh, are gay together. And then we want it to be in a spot where someone can come underneath. What are you even seeing? You're bringing that to it.

Sure. They just were shirtless coming out of a bedroom together with their arms around each other. You know what I mean? And then it's like, okay, well, I guess technically they didn't ever say,

so this is going to be Baldwin doing Trump talking to Putin. So this is going to be Baldwin doing Trump, talking to Putin, and it's not explicit about them having some kind of sexual affair. But of course, because it's impossibly funny. Yes. We want to kind of hint at it. Mm-hmm. Mr. Putin, Mr. Putin, you're the best white Russian I ever drank. With. Oh, nice.

That save, oh, that was good. What a save. Because it got really close there. Well. I was almost offended. And it was enough, yes. And it was enough for all of the disgusting people to enjoy it. Yes.

And also for all of the crybabies to have to back off. Speaking of which, I thought one of my characters, this isn't technically a celebrity, but could just be a millennial. That's fun. And I've got a baby bottle and a pacifier, and I need someone to change my diapy. Where's my trophy? I walked from here to over there by myself.

Where's my trophy? I only fell down once. That's my millennial character. That's good. Could be good. Could be good. On the Trump character, real quick. Yeah, go for it. What if you also played

the actor who's playing Putin at the same time, if that's possible? Well, Beck usually does that. Okay. Beck's cast member. Yes, that's right. Well, Beck usually does that. Okay. Beck's cast member. Yes, that's right. Now, Baldwin's not a cast member. Yeah. And, you know, I know he feels like one.

Yeah. Because he's so fucking good. Mm-hmm. But, technically, he's not a member of the cast. So, I think that's dangerous. Yeah, that could be its own batch of hot water. I don't want to get into it with Beck. Beck's been on the show.

Beck's a friend. So, and also, I'm not afraid of doing Trump better than Baldwin does. Nobody's going to out-Trump that guy. Yeah. Me doing Baldwin doing Trump, there's always going to be a layer of removal where you, I'm not fully disappeared into the character the way that he is. I can't do that thing with my mouth. I mean, the thing he does with his mouth is it's so subtle, but you can see it and it is, and it's, and it's Trump. It is. And it's pure Trump. So that's not dangerous to me.

Beck, who's an excellent actor, who's a very funny comedian, who I really like, does a good job with Putin. I have a fear that I would do it even better. That's a good fear. There is a room, there's a little bit of room to come over the top on him. Because he's spread thin on that show. Baldwin only has one job. Yeah. Show up, do Trump, be perfect at it, and go home.

Beck sometimes gets changed in from another character and he comes in and he's carried something from the last sketch in. So if I'm in here and I do a better Putin, I put my man out of a job. So that's why it's a good suggestion, Kevin, but it's a very bad suggestion. Yeah. So one of my celebrity characters I was thinking could be,

and this is sort of a show-off-y thing, the guy from Split. And the reason I think that the guy from Split could be pretty impressive is because you're really doing like 13 characters, aren't you? Yeah. Now, I have not seen Split to date. I've seen the trailer for Glass.

Looks cool. Where he's so insane that he's very strong. But I haven't seen Split itself. And I wonder if you could tell me what some of the characters are. And I'll just take a crack at them. Okay. Because he's got what? 12 personalities, 13 personalities?

Yes. I'm not going to do the beast for my audition tape. That's just, that's in bad taste. See, we're talking. Okay. The last king is Scotland guy. Yeah. Yep. Saw. Yep.

Saw that one. Okay, so there is... Did you see Wanted? No. They freaking curve a bullet around the person. Whoa, what? Oh, that was awesome. It kicks ass.

Yeah. Like in The Matrix? No. Oh, no. It's not even like The Matrix. The bullet went in a straight line in that one. Yes. Thank you. Ooh, he's going to be in His Dark Material. That's not even like the Matrix. He dodged. The bullet went in a straight line in that one. Yes. Thank you.

Ooh, he's going to be in his dark materials. Cool. Yeah. The Ryan show, everybody. It's supposed to be helping me. Sorry. So what are some of the characters he does? Kevin Wendell.

And his split personalities. Okay, so there's Barry, the personality of a flamboyant fashion expert. Not going to do that one. Sure. There's Dennis, more disturbing personalities. Dennis is temperamental

and has a perverted liking for watching young girls dance naked. Should we skip that one? Not going to touch that one. Sure. Patricia, a sophisticated, orderly, and polite woman who has considerable command over some of the other personalities. No, Dennis, don't you do that.

Barry, you back off as well. You, Dennis, and Barry are being too naughty. Oh, this is a good one. Yeah. naughty. Oh, this is a good one. Yep. Hedwig, the personality of a nine-year-old boy with several compulsive behaviors, such as proclaiming that

he has red socks. I have red socks on. I got red socks on. Look at my red socks. Hey, do you know what color my socks are? Do you want to know what color my socks are? They're red. Don't you think they're red the

socks oh and i have other actual personality traits too compulsive ones too that could be funny no no young hedwig get you stop stop it with the socks nonsense okay maybe like trump's give trying to give a speech but but Hedwig keeps like interrupting. Okay. So do Trump. Do Bob when doing Trump. So the country's actually really good these days. I have a question, Mr. Trump. Yes, little boy.

I'm Patricia. Mr. Trump. Mr. Trump. Yes, little boy. Do you think that your wet hat distracts from my wet socks? I'm sorry. That's rude. That's the president.

Show some respect. Thank you. Mr. Trump. Yes. I'm trying to give a speech. What's up? Okay. That's just, it's very distracting.

Okay, give me another one. Okay. Orwell, the man of an introverted and highly intelligent man, or the personality of an intelligent man. Does it say introverted? Because I'll be able to do that one. Yes, yes. Excuse me, I'm reading my newspaper

so a little nod a little wink to newspaper man and the crowd goes fucking nuts uh that's most of them let me write that down actually newspaper man Orwell will be like newspaper man. Introverted. So it's newspaper man. Newspaper man. Orwell is like the newspaper man. Okay. Okay. Here's just a sketch idea.

Sure. Okay. Bird box they can't see. In bird box they can't see. In bird box they can't see. In quiet place, they can't talk. What's next? The scary smells show? I feel like I've seen a lot of people make a similar joke.

I've only heard jokes about taste. Smells, that's bad. Yeah, I guess I haven only heard jokes about taste. Smell, smells. Yeah, I guess I haven't seen any about smells. Hey, whatever you do, don't put this monster in your mouth. Hey, nobody smell the monster. That's much better. Plug your nose. Everybody's got a clothespin

on their nose instead of a blindfold. That's funny. I'm taking it off. I've got a cold okay so uh um oh i had another sort of more current sketch idea so i was thinking you could play louis ck uh so i so here's the idea so you So this will be good. So I've got a sort of store, a reasonable store employee character I want to showcase a little bit. And I thought it could be good if you play Louis C.K. So I'm just going to give you your line.

So you're Louis C.K. and you're trying to return a mask to the mask store. So all you got to say is, I'd like to return this mask. I'd like a full refund. Okay. And get your voice down where he is. I'd like to return this mask. I'd like a full refund. I'm sorry, sir.

We can't accept this mask. But I want a full refund. We can't accept this mask. But I want a full refund. We can't accept this mask. It's got egg on it. Because you've got an egg on your face a bit. Wouldn't you agree, sir? I mean, it's true, I guess. Yeah.

I think it could be funny, too if if i came in as louis and then said excuse me and you just went get out get out and then it like ended or you could be trying to return your jokes to the joke store yeah i won't be needing these may i have may i return these they didn't uh and i go and what's the reason for the return? I need to write it down for corporate. What's the reason for the return? You go, they didn't do. They had some issues. Okay.

So that's the Louis sketch. So he just bought some racist. Well, that would be good because in a way, SNL would be providing cover for Louis. Yeah, exactly. It's not his fault. Because they would be indirectly because in a way, SNL would be providing cover for Louis. Yeah, exactly. It's not his fault. Because they would be indirectly implying to the American public that he had purchased the jokes at a department store.

And so anyone who was upset could just be like, well, I mean, I bought something that I just thought it looked good. And then when I got home, I was like, I'm not going to use this. Okay, so now I think I should do like a rapid fire list of characters. So I'm going to need some time. I didn't really prepare anything. So I was hoping that you guys, what I want to have you do is, can you just buy me some time?

Maybe until you talk about your New Year's resolutions or something like that. some time maybe until you talk about your new year's resolutions or something like that and i will um just write down some stuff i see in the room and some random words and then create characters from that okay uh so like what are your new year's resolutions ryan uh let's spice it up i'm gonna try and release some music this year. Whoa, it's probably really inappropriate. Like, why would you release that? You must have something huge to say if you wanted to release that. But there's no words in it. That's so fucked up.

I can't believe you. Should I not thank you this is really should i not release anything i mean if you're thinking about releasing it i've already god knows what you've done um for me i'm working on my handwriting uh it's been bad growing up and kind of late in life figured I could try something new you know what helps with better handwriting is a better pen I found that

that worked for me you know what helps with better music is words but I guess this is the part where we're giving notes so this is better than what I have. I may want you guys to keep going, so we may cut this out. Okay, so this is just, you know, I'm going to do some characters.

Stop me if there's a bad one, and we'll talk about it. Okay. We'll talk about it. I should have stopped you at Louie, but let's go. That was your character. You're right. That was your character. I should have stopped myself at Louie. Yeah. That's a That was your character. You're right. That was your character. I should have stopped myself at Louie.

Yeah. That's a good note. But you can't help yourself, and neither can he. So, here are the characters, and I'm just going to run through them, and if there's one that doesn't feel right, go ahead and stop me. Alright. I'll just

say the name, and then I'll do a little bit of the character. Professor Math. Numbrogically. Razor Ramon. This one's for you, Kevin. Nice. Hey.

This is a character named Virgin Johnny. Oh, that was it. Yeah. That was a good one. This character named Virgin Johnny. Oh, that was it. Yeah. That was a good one. There's a character named Virgin Johnny. I never even seen a friggin' person's thingy before. This is his brother, Slutty Jimmy. Wait, he doesn't even know what he likes yet?

Just a person in general. He never even seen their thingy before. This is Slutty Jimmy. I feel like I want to stop you at this but i'll let you go let's hear it yeah show me your freaking thingy okay what do you think what's up i don't love it you don't love it because we don't have to do all of them yeah but i feel like if we're going to do virgin johnny we want to show the other side of that coin. That's true.

These two men are inextricably linked. Yeah. Just as there is no darkness without light. Maybe I'm slut-shaming slutty Jimmy, too. I think so. And he's trying to own it. Yeah. And it's not... Well, my fear is like it might be pervy.

Yeah. But he sounds like an innocent... I don't know. He's asking for something, but it is an inappropriate question. So depending on the environment, it might not be okay. Sure. It depends on the environment. So slutty Jimmy, comma, depending on the environment.

Yeah. So that's a contingency for you on getting the right setting for him to say, Psst, show me your freaking thingy. Okay. This is Fonzie. Hey. a contingency for you on getting the right setting for him to say, psst, show me your freaking thingy. Okay, this is Fonzie. Hey! All right,

this guy's name is... He was kind of similar to Razor Ramon. I don't see it. Okay. Okay, so this one's guy's name is Trashman Daryl. Hey,

sorry to wake you. I know it's very early, but I noticed you've been throwing out a lot of chicken bones lately. I just wanted to say I like chicken too. It's kind of romantic. What do you think about that? It's beautiful. Yeah, that one. Ryan, you're an SNL expert.

That was good. Does that seem like what they do? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trash Man Daryl is good. All right, so I'll put a freaking star next to that. This is Jeff Goldblum. Hey.

This guy's name is King Gold. You got any cash on you? Do you have any cash on you? Do you have any cash on you? Sorry, I don't have. Oh, it was gold. Oh. This is a drunk bartender.

Jesus Christ, do you guys try this stuff? I like that one. Makes you feel insane. I'm like freaking nauseous. You drink this? Okay, this is Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies doing a commercial for darts. These darts are huge. Okay, this is Captain Crunch.

This is Captain Crunch. I don't really get that one. What? Why do you? What's the matter? But there, because he's got pins on his head. His whole face is covered in pins. Yeah.

But he's. You think he should be putting the darts in instead? Is he intimidated by the size of the dart? Well, I think it's just a selling point for him. Or he's just like, he knows pointy things. I think what happened is it's almost like, Pinhead I think on set is a little bit difficult to control. Probably, yeah.

He's someone who is extremely aware of the almost symbiotic relationship between pleasure and pain. Oh, yeah. But is maybe unaware of how a commercial set functions. Got it. And that the client really, at the end of the day, has a lot more control than the artists on set.

So the director may have a vision for it, but that doesn't matter if they're not making the client happy. Because Kinhead's just thinking about where he's going to stick the start. And whether it's Saatchi and Saatchi or Ogilvy and Mather, but it doesn't really matter because the dart company is going to want to get him saying something purely positive. Pinhead's thinking, where can I stick it? They got him, I believe, making an offhand comment

just about the size of the dart and thought, this is the most positive thing we had. And he's a good spokesperson in theory. And that's a positive thing if he's like, ooh, this is a big dart. Yeah. This thing's heavy. Yeah, like he knows what he can do with that thing.

You like the Hellraiser movies? Oh, I love them. Yeah, okay. Well, just the first one. I figured you would. The second one a little bit. No, it's good though. It's the book. It was based. Feels, just the first one. I figured you would. The second one a little bit. No, it's good though. It's the book. It was based. It feels like the Ryan show again. Hang on.

Carry on. Okay. Here, Captain Crunch. I'll sponsor your web series. Okay. This character's named Sergeant Splashdown. Soldiers, have fun on them slides. This is Dr. Ken.

Hey. Okay, this next one is a guy who drinks from a fire hose. But hang on. He actually just pours like juice or water into the hose and sips it. So that's his thing. Hey, thanks for being so understanding about me bringing this hose in your restaurant. I think a lot of times people are nervous

I'm going to like blast myself with it. You know, that's crazy. I'd get hurt. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Okay, this next one is, this is Cookie Monster on a date at a fancy restaurant. Sorry, let me just look at the menu. Ah, yes.

The lady will be having the cookies. And I'll do the same. Okay, this one's newspaper man. I'm reading my newspaper. This is rubber band man. Don't forget to stretch. Okay, this is a person who corrects the way you say croissant.

Croissant. Croissant. Croissant. Okay, this is an area. It's somebody who thinks that sweet as pie, that expression is Swedish pie. What would you do with that? Are you kidding me? She did that? I can't believe that. That's so surprising.

She's Swedish pie. She's Swedish pie. What would you do with that where would you put them Ryan I don't know about that one in the Hellraiser universe oh yeah yeah yeah maybe next to the cookie monster like we pan to another table

okay and so that's all people ordering yeah okay so who else is at the restaurant okay maybe like Triple H that could be good that could be good maybe val venus is there yeah ladies uh should we talk about you think it's DPD Diamond oh D oh no DPD

damn Kevin should we talk about the like musical guest portion oh yeah okay so I was thinking that

every show they have a musical guest and I think that in a lot of these auditions like I watch Mike Mitchell's audition it's funny you know I thought he's pretty funny he's not even addressing the fact that there's a musical

guest and sometimes maybe the host is going to be changing and you're going to have to say ladies and gentlemen Vance Joy and then I was also thinking that what might really impress Lorne Vance Joy. And then I was also thinking that what might really impress Lorne is if I give him a little bit of Vance Joy.

Yeah. So, Ryan, you know Vance Joy? I don't. I'm Googling. Okay, Google it. So I was thinking, this is probably the point in the show, right? We've done quite a few sketches where they're going to want to throw to the musical act. Yeah.

And their first big breakout song was this one, Riptide. Now, I'm not going to pretend to know the words to it, but I do know some of the words. And there's this movie that I think you'd like. Can you give me drums or something for this? There's a cowboy running from himself. She's been living on the highest shelf. Baby, I'm going to be your loving man. I gotta love my throat, cause you're gonna sing the word wrong.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, nice, right? Yeah, I hate that. Would Lorne be flipping out for that? You hate that? No, I liked your sketch, but I don't like it.

It's not really a sketch. I'm just going, hey, let's say you book Vance Joy, he doesn't show up. Lorne's going to be going, what do I do? I go, hey, I'll come out there and I'll kind of mumble through a lot of the tune. Yeah. I even know more words to his other song. And which one was that? That one they go

Write it on a piece of paper, honey Put it in my coat before you go Leave it in a place you know I'll find it Is that what you were singing when you walked in? Leave it in a place you know I'll find it Is that what you were singing when you walked in? Later when I'm sitting all alone Let me in Everything starts, it just feels so new

Loggies are finding me Who am I kidding all my defenses come down oh baby will you lay it all on me now boom boom boom boom lay it all on me now

boom boom boom boom lay it all on me now boom boom boom all on me now boom boom boom boom And I could do the whole fucking thing for him, basically. Honestly, your whole audition might, should just be that song. But in your head. Yeah. Oh, you think so? That was probably the most confident you've been in an hour.

Oh, come on. That was probably the most confident you've been in an hour. Oh, come on. But if that was my whole audition, you wouldn't get to meet Croissant. Or the lady will be having to eat cookies. Or, hey, I think I'm being an understand when I'm bringing this hose in your restaurant. Are you going to try this stuff? Or, hey, sorry to wake you.

I know it's very early. But go through your trash. Yeah, the trash man. The trash man. Yeah. Exactly. See, you remember. Yeah.

Numerologically. The math professor. The professor math. Exactly. These are indelible. Ron Johnson from Wisconsin. Swedish pie. Ron Johnson from Wisconsin. Ay.

Yes. Okay, so one thing I wanted to talk a little bit about is I do think that, well, first of all, should we do update? Yeah, we gotta. Let's do update. What, uh, so Ryan, do you have the news pulled up? Sure. Okay, got it.

Okay, give me the news. Kidnapper chased out of North Carolina karate studio. Okay. You need more than that? No. Give me the news. Kidnapper chased out of North Carolina karate studio. Okay. You need more than that? No. Can you tell me where? North Carolina? North Carolina.

Yeah, sorry. A kidnapper was chased out of a North Carolina karate studio. Hi-ya. Or maybe like when sources asked him about it he said yeah or something uh yeah yeah oh yes yeah sources close to the man quoted him as saying hi yeah okay one for one next oh do I need another headline? We've got to do a lot of them. Okay, okay.

Mexico launches plan to stimulate U.S. border economy. Even better. Okay. Mexico launched a plan to stimulate the U.S. border economy. the U.S. border economy, their plan was to tickle its butt. How about fish fumes blamed for allergy death of Brooklyn boy? Okay. Fish fumes were recently blamed for the death of a Brooklyn allergy boy.

When reached for comment, the fish fumes said, Oh, come on. You're going to put this on me? uh nasa's new horizons snowman shape of distant ultima thule revealed okay nasa's uh horizon snowman shape of distant ultima fuel uh was revealed this week. NASA's kids were mad that they forgot to get a carrot for the nose. Pretty good. That was great. That was good.

John Bobbitt speaks out 25 years after wife infamously cut off his penis. It's infamously. Oh, sorry. Infamously. Yeah, this one's easy. John Bobbitt speaks out. Ow.

Maybe she said like, hey, yeah. But she's not speaking. He speaks out. Maybe they got a quote from her. Yeah. Lorraine also spoke out. She said, hey, yeah. Give me one more, Ryan.

One more. Tony Braxton and Birdman break up. It's over. Okay. Tony Braxton and Birdman broke up. It's over. and Birdman broke up, it's over. Tony said that his ego is really big since he won the Oscar for Best Picture a couple years ago.

Okay, here we go. So – Can we do a bird box thing with it? Like me put it in the box, the bird box? Jesus. Wow. Sorry. Jesus. No, we can't, Kevin. Wow. Sorry. Jesus. No, we can't, Kevin.

Okay. So in the same vein, obviously, those were all really good jokes. We'd probably need to throw to an update desk piece. Like what would one of those be? It's usually someone who's drunk. Yeah. But there's other stuff too that they do. Maybe drunk bartender

drunk bartender is probably a desk piece yeah probably does although he needs to be in a bar sort of pointing at the bottles going like you drank this maybe makes you feel weird he could have brought the bottles with him though uh yeah yeah yeah it just doesn't sure it's not ideal. Maybe. Hmm. Hmm. Well, this is, here's a desk piece. Here's like a desk piece character. So sweet. Oh, that's so sweet.

So awesome. It's sweet. That's so awesome. It's so, so sweet. Colin, that's so awesome it's so so sweet colin that's so sweet that's essentially you know what you need yeah uh okay um so now let's get into the uh oscars piece of this so obviously when i do book snl which we assume will happen probably the day this gets released, I will then be invited to host the Oscars. They've been having trouble finding a host and they'd love to have a fresh new voice. They kind of been dancing around inviting me already.

And now I think with it being like the buzz of like new cast member introduced midseason, Dave dave you know had an awesome podcast audition um they're gonna want me to host the oscars so let's talk a little bit about what my oscars thing will be you guys are kind of the team because we don't have a ton of time to write this stuff sure what do you want to see from your oscars host ryan Ryan. Like good jokes. Jokes. Okay. Okay. So what are some of the Oscar movies? Call Me By Your Name. That's probably last year. That's probably last year. It's still good. Hey, I'm the new Oscars host. I know a lot of you probably don't know my name. I'm so fresh to the scene. So go ahead and just call me by your name.

A little joke about the movies last year. All right. Well, really, it's an honor to be hosting. And the theme, of course, is movies again. The theme is always somehow cinema, the magic of cinema. It's just general enough. So we love movies, and that is what we're here to talk about. Really strong year for movies.

It's so obvious what all the good ones were. And I'll just do this. I'm sure this joke has been done a hundred times before, but people do always like to start with a song at these things so uh here we go welcome to marwin this guy plays with dolls you're gonna do this crazy stuff his name is steve carell welcome to marwin welcome to marwin i prefer the documentary. What if you do, like, instead of a star is born, like a scar is born? A scar is born.

But is that a song? No, you could show the audience like a scar on your back or something. Okay, I'll try it. Well, really, if it's being born, what I should do is inflict a horrible scar on myself. Like I should go, and this is some of Ryan's Hellraiser stuff. He loves this. So I come out, I go, hey, I know you guys, most of you here saw a star is born. But have you seen A Scar is Born? And then I take off my shirt, I turn around and I just dig a knife in between my shoulder blades

and sort of take it down the length on my back. And I refuse stitches, right? So this is A Scar is Born. Oh, I love that. Just do the rest of the show with blood blooming on your shirt. Yeah, that's good. That could be good. Okay, and I guess I'll sing Shallow.

What other movies are there? Bohemian Rhapsody. You think that's an Oscar movie? I guess so. I guess he might get. I mean, man, movies sucked this year, didn't they? Yeah. There was really nothing.

I liked Mary Poppins Returns. Okay, Mary Poppins Returns. Great. So what's your joke on that? Maybe you come down with an umbrella. Oh, I fly on the stage with Returns. Great. So what's your joke on that? Maybe you come down with an umbrella. Oh, I fly on the stage with an umbrella. Okay.

Perfect. And then is there a joke like... Oh, I have it. After you do A Scar is Born. That's locked. The next time you come in on the umbrella and you're coming

over everyone and they're just getting covered in your blood. And blood's getting on everybody. But you're singing a nice Mary Poppins song or something. Yes, yes, yes. And then I'm like, I'm here to save the... It's not

the Banks children this time. It's like the Affleck children or something. And then we cut to them and they go like, oh, not at me. Come on. How about something with Vice, the movie Vice? Vice, right. Okay, great, great. I go, yeah, I saw Vice.

It was playing on Cody Scully's laptop while he was supposed to be engineering the show. They'll love that. That one's for everybody. What if with Black Panther you just did an awesome fight scene for 45 minutes? For 45 minutes and my back's bleeding already? Yeah. That could be good. Okay, that's locked.

Was Hereditary 2018? Yeah. Yeah, that was a good good. Okay, that's locked. Was Hereditary 2018? Yeah. That was a good one. Okay. Oh, how about Isle of Dogs? And you just come out with like thousands of dogs. Oh, I got to get Bosh. Yeah, Bosh is leading it. A little cameo.

Oh, dude. I go, here to announce that I love dogs. This dog. That's good. Incredibles 2. Incredibles 2. Something with like, that was Incredibles 2. Yeah, that's good.

Maybe you should do it. No. Ralph breaks the internet. What if I think it's called Incredible Stew? I come out and I'm eating a big thing of stew. Yeah.

I go, man, my back feels better now that I'm eating this Incredible Stew. Here to perform the song from Incredibles 2. Vance Joy. Vance Joy. Vance Joy. What's in your head?

Writing on a piece of paper, honey. Okay. So I come out, hey, it's an honor to host the Oscars this year. Here's A Scar is Born. Check out my back. All right, Vice. I see Vice. It was playing on Cody Scully's thing. Here we go.

Welcome to my world. Mary Poppins. Mary Poppins. I go, I'm here to save the affluent children. Hey, come on. No, don't look at me. Then I go, Incredible Stu. I go, this is incredible stew uh then i perform shallow

with bradley cooper shallow and then you do a 45 minute fight scene from black panther black panther i do a 45 minute fight scene we're getting through a lot of the show yeah and then bosh comes out with the dogs and then maybe when maybe it's a way to introduce some unusual pairings like that's always something they do at that show yeah like if i'm bringing out like i go um like uh oh she i go i go she's in killing eve and his feet are killing him and then it's like a guy, it's like a runner or a guy who broke his foot or something. Did any celebrities break their foot lately? I don't know about that. What about like Sandra Bullock from Bird Box and John Krasinski from a quiet, like your quiet place Bird Box thing?

Yeah. And like Sandra can't find the microphone because she's blind but john can find it but he can't talk but he can't she's going john will you please just tell me where the microphone is yeah john tell me where it is and and he's like i can't talk i can't tell you i have to be too quiet yeah and he's going like just look it's right in front of you. She's like, I can't look, John. That could be 45 minutes as well. Yeah. How long have we been going?

I think like an hour and 10. Well, everybody, this is the last episode of Beyond SNL. I'll start next week. Thanks so much for listening, and thanks, Hayes, for giving me this chance to do it. All right. Thanks, Ryan, for your help, Hayes, for giving me this chance to do it. All right. Thanks, Ryan, for your help even though you're not here anymore. Bye! Bye!