Hollywood Handbook - SECRET PHONE CALL RELEASED BY BRETT

Episode Date: June 6, 2016

This is a secret phone call Hayes and Sean did at my house, Brett. This is Brett writing this. It happened at my house and then, I recorded it.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. on the phone for me. By real, you mean the last times you were... She's really coming this time. I know she hasn't shown up, you know, earlier this week, but she'll be here. And then last week you were saying, like, all my favorite bands were coming in, and then this week it's like, you know, my favorite actresses. Well, Brett, what are you implying here?

Are you trying to say that what you think, and let me get this straight because I consider you a friend. Oh, really? Sure. So are you trying to say that you're accusing me of when Hayes is out of town, what I do is I call you up and I say, oh, Brett, I've got this really exciting

guest. We need to record an emergency episode at your house. And then I show up at your house. You let me in. I get into your studio and then you call Hayes for me and I'm just somehow avoiding the long distance charges and the guest never shows up and you just have to sit here while he and I have a phone call where we catch up on all of our dishy gossip and our friendship. I mean, is that what you're saying I'm doing?

Because that would mean that then Mia Wasikowski isn't about to walk through that door. And she was in The Kids Are Alright. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, but that is factually just like what has happened. Oh, it has. Oh, it has happened. Sure. Right. But you think I, but that is factually just like what, what has happened. Oh, it has. Oh, it has happened. Sure. Right. But you think I'm doing that intentionally?

And I'm just trying to make you put the bill for the calls. That's crazy, Brett. You hear how crazy that sounds. That question has, has crossed my mind and I kind of just wish I had recorded those last things. Wow. That's. So you could see.

Well, no. Well, there's no need to record yet because Mia's not here, so please don't record this. But she's on her way. Oh, she just texted me. She's saying that Mark Ruffalo was so great to work with

and that Gabriel Byrne Mark Ruffalo was so great to work with. And that she, oh, and that Gabriel Byrne is a total professional. She was in season one of In Treatment. And so, you know, it seems like she's on her way here. I can't wait. And so in the meantime, let's just call Hayes.

You think she'll like the setup and I cleaned up and my drums and everything. I gotta show her my guitars. Right, yeah. No, she'll be the setup and I cleaned up and my drums and everything. I got to show her my guitars. Right. Yeah. No, she'll be able to see the guitars. Yeah. I think she'll think it's badass, Brett.

But let's just call Hayes. And then while she, because it's, oh, no, she sent me a traffic emoji. So then she's in traffic and Hayes and I will just get into some stuff. And then when she gets here, we'll record. I'm putting this call on my card, right? But we'll take care of that later. Oh, yeah. Earwolf will take care of you for that because it's an episode.

So it's like a business write-off for them. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. I'm dialing up Hayes. Okay, here we go. Hayes, you there?

Accept. Accept. Okay, I got it. Yes, Hayes. Hayes, Hayes. Yes. It's not Brett, it's Sean. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, you guys. Am I doing it. Yes. I hear your call. Hayes. Hayes. Yes. It's not Brett. It's Sean. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, you guys.

Am I doing it? I'm sorry. Just one technical thing before you guys start talking. Just one second. All right. All right. Go ahead. Wait, Brett.

What are you doing? What is this? Brett, we hate this song. Why are you playing this song? You know we hate hearing this. Oh. I hate this song. Why are you playing this song? You know we hate hearing this. Oh. I hate this song. It's so boring.

It reminds me of my stupid show I have to do. I have to let it play out. Oh, I'm so bored hearing this song. Brett, don't play this. It's boring. Once it starts, you can't stop it. Is that true? That actually does make sense.

How would I stop her singing? Why would you play that at the beginning of just me and Hayes having a casual friendly phone call well Sean if he she can't hear him so for him to say stop yeah for him to say stop the song I wouldn't work oh Annalise can't hear him yeah

no Annalise can't hear she's on vacation ugh that's so frustrating that everyone's on vacation but me am i uh being uh seen on the computer yes you look so dashing okay that is that's good for a second it did not seem like it was gonna happen i'm definitely making sure you're being captured here that is that's good not i don't want to be captured i just want to be seen temporarily speaking of captured yeah didn't the jungle book remind you of being at the zoo but all the cages are gone yes it was like all

the cages had been thrown open and also some cages for plants had been opened as well so the plants could grow freely and trees and also a waterfall cage and finally do their own thing set free yeah yes and i was there too and my cage was open as well and i got to be one of the animals for once oh yes and i got to feel my true animal self yes yes. Yes, I loved the magic and I loved most of the animals and I loved the main boy. What a triumph for Jon Favreau. Good on you,

Jon. Yes. Did you also hear that Brett was in the Jungle Book and he was playing one of the apes and he had to shave for the part. Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! You had to shave! He's naturally more hairy than the apes. I showed you. Can you hear me?

Yes, I heard you, Hayes. Hayes, did you actually hear also that Brett was also in the movie in a dual role? And that he played, like, one of the bears. And he has to shave. And he has to shave to be one of the bears in the movie. It's so much more hair than he needs. But that's just the same joke. Oh, no.

That's so stupid. That's so stupid. The first one was an ape. It was an ape first, Brett. I took off my shirt that one time. Bear's a mammal. And I told you guys

not to talk about it. It's fine. It's fine. She hasn't come in yet, so we're not recording this. Who hasn't come in? Mia.

Remember, Hayes? Remember that we're recording with Mia today, and that's why we have to go to Brett's house. Yes, Mia Hayes, remember that we're recording with Mia today, and that's why we have to go to Brett's house. Wait, wait, wait. Mia Hayes. Mia Hayes coming in.

Hayes, you didn't know that? No, Mia Hayes. No, I did know. Mia Hayes is next week. I practiced a kick just before we got here. No, Mia Hayes is next week, and this one's Mia Waszkowski. Oh, yes. One of the

Wasikowski's brothers? Sifters. Who created The Matrix. That was Morpheus

who actually did it. But they created the movie The Matrix. Yes. They made the movie and then when Morpheus got in, he made the actual codes. Yes. And it's not really a movie because we're probably in a Matrix right now.

Well. We're too fucking close-minded. Well, yeah, we have heard you talk about that. I don't think we could be in The Matrix because then why hasn't anybody asked me if I won the pill? If it's not a movie, Brett, that if you say it's not really a movie, then what is it?

Yeah. How am I watching it? Maybe I guess it's a documentary. Really? I guess people have kind of movie. Brett, you ape. Hey, I thought I was an ape because of my hair.

Hayes, remember, I guess people have asked me if I wanted a pill because I took a pill in Ibiza. Yes. Yes. I do know about that. Yeah. Ibiza. I took a pill in Ibiza because I wanted somebody to think I was cool. Diplo or something.

Well, if Mia isn't here, maybe we should just have a phone call. Just a normal phone call. Well, just until she gets here. And oh, no, she just sent a fire emoji. So I think the traffic's on fire now. So she's going to be delayed a little bit, and we'll just do our normal catch-up. Okay. Yeah, your normal catch-up here every day that Hayes is gone.

It has been happening a lot since Hayes has been out of town that we have had to come here to record, and the guests have stood us up, which is so frustrating, even more so for me and Hayes. Yes, Brett, I'm so sorry about all your favorite bands that they weren't able. They all got sick. That was so crazy that the Beatles got sick. I still don't. Are they coming back? I think they are, but they just need an IV or something with flu

yeah they said they definitely are coming back I think they're actually coming back tomorrow or maybe later tonight yes that's right yeah actually they might be coming back at like 6 or 6 10 tonight

can I ask did my reverse charges work who is paying for my part of this call because i you know i i you know i tried to get it to set up so that the the caller is being charged is that working um yeah it has worked it just goes directly to my personal email. I get these invoices. Okay, yes, that's great. Who do I send that to? Perfect, that's how we set it up. Yes, you send those off to whoever, to Adam Sachs and stuff.

It's just kind of weird how every normal recording schedule we have at Earwolf always goes totally fine, and the guests always show up. Oh. And then we schedule the Beatles here. Bro, what are you saying? What are you saying? I thought you'd want them to come to your house and see your guitars. That seems like it would be more exciting for them to see your guitars and your drums.

Your black drums. Hell yeah, that's exciting. I just wish they were here. I wish Mia was here. Sounds like she's in traffic, though. So, yeah. And the traffic. Oh, no.

And it's a ghost emoji. So somebody died in that traffic fire. So very nice, Brett. Really nice for you to say, oh, I wish I could. Way to go, Brett. You know, like hug I wish I could hug this girl I'm attracted to. Well, somebody died because of you

wanting that. She's got to see your five and a half guitars. At any rate, as long as she's not here yet, Hazel, let's finish. I guess we can just talk. I guess we can just have a little catch-up discussion. Or before, Brett, can you

put the mouse so I'm is there a way to do it so I'm eating it? If I go like this? He's got his mouth open and move it. Actually, instead of a mouse, I'm just going to use a mic right up to the computer, if you don't mind. Okay, that looks so funny.

up to the computer if you don't mind yeah okay that looks so funny or or or make it uh make it uh do this you know the spinny spinny wheel uh yeah we don't make so many colors make it do that look like i'll make it look like a lollipop and i'll lick the lollipop. Pinwheel. Like a little baby. Right. Oh, no. What a little stinker. He's a little stinker. Oh, that's so funny.

So let's talk about just how stupid our fans are and how much we hate them. Yes. Oh, my God. Thank you. Finally, you know. Thank you. Being so stupid every day. I know. know it's so frustrating can you step up to the mic just a little bit sean why uh i just want to make sure uh hayes hears you i have it kind of i can hear him fine okay but if he the mic actually shouldn't be you wait until yeah the

mic is for waiting until Maya gets here Like we can, you know But once the mic's on, you can't stop it And Oh, okay, right, because Annalise is on vacation Okay So, okay Well then, alright, I'll be near the mic

But anyway What is it with fans of ours That all of them have like No brains yes oh god thank you so much for saying that the show the live show when we did the live show last week oh when they're all just like we're on stage and they're all like they're clapping and i saw um did you see the one guy who was like yay oh no i saw a girl doing that oh my girl dude if a guy who was like, yay? Oh, no. I saw a girl doing that. Oh, my God. If a guy does that, like, okay, I don't love it, but okay.

But girls shouldn't be allowed to do that. Say yay. Like, yay. Don't want to start crying on stage because it was so sad. I wanted to throw up and go to the bathroom on myself. I was so pissed. I know. It made me really pissed off, too.

And then after the show, people were waiting around. Oh, I know. It's like, guys, the show's over. Well, because I actually think they thought that they were supposed to be there forever. I honestly think that they thought that they were going to stay there for their whole life. I had to tell them they could leave. Yes. I had to tell them they could leave.

And they were like, oh, yeah, like, I know. Yeah, I'm supposed to, I'm supposed to go home now. But it's like, no, they actually obviously didn't know. I hate having fans. Do you remember they want to try and take a picture? Yes. And they want to be in it, Hayes Yes. And they want to be in it. Hayes.

Yes. They wanted to be in it. And sometimes they wanted to be like, they were, it was like they hadn't planned how they were going to do it at all. And none of them really wanted to do any funny things in the picture. Cause it was cause every time I was like, Oh,

we're just going to stand here. What are they going to do with those pictures? Try to pretend it's their Snapchat? Try to pretend that what? That their Snapchat? It's their Snapchat? Can they do that? I mean, legally, I don't think they should.

But I'm not going to go look. I don't know who they are. They can just pretend that any pictures are their Snapchat? Is that possible? I think they could certainly try. Brett? Do you mean just taking a picture with your phone? Yeah, so can you pretend that that's your Snapchat?

You can make that Snapchat. You pretend it's your Snapchat. If you took the picture on the phone and it's of me and you're in it, and you can pretend that's your Snapchat. It's like Snapchat. Does it go to my Snapchat? Oh, does it show up in my Snapchat? Well, you take a picture of me.

You can pretend it's your Snapchat. Don't be gross. Yeah, don't even suggest something like that if you do that then can you see it in your snapchat or it's just for pretend i think it's just all in your mind man can i move this mic it's right in my face yeah just it seems like there'd be no reason for the mic even if the mics have to stay on it doesn't seem like the mic would have to be that close. You almost want to keep them away because they're for recording. They're for recording.

That's true, but they need to warm up for the recording. And Mia's coming here, as you promised. That makes sense, yeah. It's warming up. Yeah, got to warm up. And I'm warming mine up, too. This is a check. This is a mic check.

Here's what I worry about with the too. I'm just, this is a check. This is a mic check. So, so. Here's what I worry about with the pictures. Uh-oh. Snapchat thing, of course, is, and now I'm very scared. That's terrible. I worry they're going to take the pictures and put them up on their phones and then look at them and then lie face down to the mattress and kind of like wriggle around. Oh no. Can they do that? Rub themselves on the mattress. Yes. Can they do that

Brett? If you say your phone upright, if you sort of prop up your phone you can do that. And if you put your kind of chin up on the mattress you can look at your phone at the same time as your body is lying down. So okay. So the phone's in front of them and they're looking at it. They're not lying on top

of the phone. No. And using the phone's in front of them and they're looking at it they're not lying on top of the phone no and using the phone the picture on the phone to create some sort of friction oh no now i'm now if they have two phones they could do both or if they even made friends with each other which a lot of them seem to now some of those pictures really make sense because in all of them we're like standing we're standing up and so if they were laying the phone down it's like they can be lying on top we'd be sticking up yeah yeah because we're standing up straight and remember we asked to lie down we wanted to and they were sticking up straight so we could go as high up in there that's insane yes oh i wish i had just lied down

I know I should have stuck to my guns and just laid down and go to sleep for all the photos did you have you hate those fans

huh well they're so frustrating they're such idiots why are you Brett you know that we talk about it

every day the only thing worse than the fans is Scott Anchorman and Adam Sacks oh yeah talk about that you guys should totally talk about it every day. The only thing worse than the fans is Scott Anchorman and Adam Sacks. Oh, yeah. Talk about that. You guys should totally talk about that.

Oh, block, block, block, block, block. Oh, I've got a new Scott Anchorman impression. Okay. Hey, it's me. Ah! You scared me. It sounds like him right Yes

He's doing that all the time Yes So gross And what about Have you ever really smelled Adam's hair Oh yeah No I had to because I had to borrow his bonnet once

You had what I had to borrow his bonnet once. You had what? I had to borrow his bonnet once. Oh, so on the sunny day? Yeah, it was too sunny and I knew he was staying inside and I had to go out and move my car. And did you smell it? Well, I had to. It's on my head. Look, you know me.

I'll smell anything. It's on my head. Look, you know me. I'll smell anything. This is one of the most salty things I have ever smelled is this guy's hair. I couldn't wash the salt smell off my head. I wore the bonnet for maybe three minutes. It took me, to wash the salt smell out, Almost a year.

You have to bathe in tomato juice. That's the trick. Believe me, I did. I put it in oatmeal. I put it in tomato juice. I put it in salt water. That was a mistake. But you know, it's just like salt water. That was a mistake.

But, you know, it's just like fight fire with fire or whatever. Oh, speaking of fire, Mia just texted. And she's giving a funeral for the ghost. So she's got to do an orgy. That is so nice. What a sweetie. She's just what we thought.

Mia. That's why I love her. Yeah. She was my favorite part of the Moulin Rouge burlesque. But maybe she can stay. Yeah, I mean, maybe she can come here. You know, you guys can stick around. She comes after the funeral.

Oh, she's going to be here. Yeah, I'm just telling you it's going to be a little while longer. So I guess me and Hayes just have to dish more right back to the fans if you could get rid of any one of them off the face of the planet who would it be how many would you do all of them huh if i could do any one of them yeah how many how many would i do probably all gosh i'm just trying to think of each one i would definitely do yes that will yes the destroy him i'm picturing one and she's gone yes yes oh and the little one yes yes i'm launching them all into the sky with a trebuchet oh oh cool i remember painlessly. I remember when you came up with that word.

Brent. Remember that episode? Trebuchet? Yeah. Brent, this is not. You didn't have to go. You know, this is not an episode. This is not obviously being recorded. But some of the same rules apply as when we're doing the show,

which is you not asking us if we remember stuff that we've done before. Because if we let you do that, that's my whole day. Is you being like, remember? Yeah, from before? Yeah. Do you remember that?

I'm the bear from Jungle Book. Yes! Boom, boom, boom, boom. Had to shave first. What's everyone doing for Memorial Day? Me for Memorial Day? Yeah.

Probably just being mean to some troops. Yeah, okay. You always talk about the troops. I noticed. How much they freaking suck. Yeah, well, yeah okay you always talk about the troops I notice how much they freaking suck yeah well it's this whole country

I'm not proud to be from it yes it's honestly this whole country and the troops are honestly the worst ones I hate the fighting that they do I hate how strong they are. They're thugs.

Yes. They're thugs, but they're also wimps. They're wimpy thugs. Yes. And the way they do the fighting is bad. I don't hate the fact that they're fighting. I just hate how bad at it they are. And it's stupid and it's weak.

And it's pussies in there and they're cowards yes and and the only thing brave is what i do be honest now i watched uh jarhead the other day and i laughed i thought it was a comedy oh yeah, yeah. I watched Generation Kill. Yeah, and did you think it was a comedy? I didn't get it. I didn't get it. Yeah, I thought it was a comedy, but I didn't think I was getting it. It was like sort of an alt comedy.

Well, yeah, I thought it was a bad comedy. I was like, they're going for jokes, but they're not executing. Yeah. So in terms of dives, like doing like a half gainer, uh, are you guys any good at that?

Uh, yeah, I've been good at that before. Um, is that the one you go upside down and you kind of like you, you bite your knee. Hayes, no idea. What your knee haze no idea what haze no idea oh i have no idea i thought you wanted to talk about dives i did too i thought so too yeah it really seemed like you did want to talk about d dice but what are you doing for memorial day chopping up the america flag uh i'm going to a war graveyard and dig it all up yes i'm i'm digging it up to

show that there's nothing actually in there yeah i yeah i'm it's fake everyone i might stop by and dig it up and then if there is any bones, I make them look like they are having sex. Wow. I can't believe I'm getting this. What do you mean? I can't believe it. Just that you get to be here for this cool conversation? You don't get any of this.

Yeah, you don't get what we're saying. It's like you get it. Come on, Brett. Do I look like Austin Powers' boss in here? Where he goes, hello, Austin. Hello, Austin. Oh, man. Your impressions are so good. Do I look like Austin Powers' boss?

The little screen inside that ridiculous car of his. Hey, I noticed when we're not actually recording an episode, you seem to shout. Who throws a shoe? Who throws a shoe, honestly? This is my normal voice.

I do the big affectation for the show where I'm like, oh, it's showtime. I actually want to talk about my show voice a little bit because I want to do a thing. I actually want to talk about my show voice a little bit because I want to do a thing. You know how Joseph Gordon-Levitt does a little vocal fry where he's just like, hey. Just like a little, hey, I'm here for hit record, Joe. Let's be creative. Are we recording?

I want to just experiment with a little fry. Recording. A little fry. at the end of some of the different things. When Mia gets here? Yes. What about upspeak? Do you do fry with the upspeak?

Upspeak goes up? Yeah, it goes up at the end. It's like when you're talking. Are we recording? Oh, that's good. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It You could never be that. What? What? You guys would never be an intellectual show. I'm just joking. I was just trying to make like a Jungle Book joke. Against you guys. That doesn't have anything to do with the Jungle Book. What element of the Jungle Book is in that joke? Brett, it has to be about animals. It has to be an animal.

I just mean the way... Ideally one with hair. I just mean the way you razzed me with the Jungle Book. I thought maybe I could give it to you guys. I thought like... I don't remember... You've been in my house so many times now, but I thought we were kind of like friends.

Dude, I don't remember razzing you about the Jungle Book. All I said was what I really heard, which was that they hired you to play one of the Panthers, and you had a freaking shame for it. So here you start with. There is only one Panther in the movie.

Yeah, Shere Khan. No, but okay. Yeah, it's Shere Khan. Can I say one one thing since we're not recording can I just say one thing for just like the show in general this is sort of something I've been thinking about I would love it Sean if you would

go to the bathroom before the show because we seem to have gotten into a little bit of a rut Sean, if you would go to the bathroom before the show, because we seem to have gotten into a little bit of a rut with you. As soon as we start, you start to like do that little dance. You know, you like hold your legs together. Yeah. But I'm using that energy.

You pinch yourself. I know. I know. But then what always happens is you make me make you go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. And then we have to start over. And it does always get to the point where you do go. So I'm hoping we would just save the time the next time we do this and you just go. Well, going to the bathroom really hurts.

We all can agree on that. Absolutely. It doesn't hurt. It hurts like a mother. Brett, I honestly think that you could maybe speak to a doctor because the bathroom is really supposed to hurt. You should check with something medical because we all know that going to the bathroom really hurts. That's why I hold it in. That's why a couple times I have

had to pee myself on the show and I have ruined mics and I have ruined my 5'4 clothing before. Because a lot of the time in the bathroom, it comes out as

little rocks. Those are called kidney stones. No, Brett. It's just a little rock. If it comes out as a goop. Why are you taking pictures? Yeah, Brett, why don't you just take a picture like that?

It doesn't always come out as rocks for me, but it comes out as a goop and then it'll come out as like sticks. Yes. Yes. No, I know exactly what you're talking about. That happens to me after I eat anything. Oh, and by the way, God forbid you get the goop on you. Yes. It burns right through yes i have to i i have to stand on a little chair like a little sort of steppy and i step up so if it if it gets down if it falls down it doesn't splash everywhere get on me

down if it falls down it doesn't splash everywhere get on me the only thing that's nice even more is it is kind of a relief to go you know go to the bathroom because that pain yes is more comforting than the excruciating feeling of sex with a human woman yes for me to experience any pain is a reminder that at least that is not happening to me you know at least you're not having sex yes with a human woman yeah yes okay so i heard you guys talk about this i'm so glad you started talking about this again well it comes up a lot can I just take a picture while you're saying that I guess I don't know what

I'm worried what you're going to do with it are you going to pretend that's your snapchat now hold on let me lay it Brett show me your phone did that just go into your snapchat no show me the other side it better not show up in mine that better not show up in mine you would have no idea if this is my snapchat no show me the other side better not show up on it brett that better not show up

in mine you would have no idea if this is my snapchat yeah right i think i would know if it was your snapchat let me guess it's got pictures of guitars little like beard brushes uh like stuff that you like see outside that you think is an animal, but it's not. The beard brush is just a fork. A treble clef. Yeah. A picture of a treble clef. Well, I'm going to lay down the phone right here and roll around on it.

That's what I'm going to do. Oh, okay. So it's destroyed now, right? It's over now. Yeah. The snapshot's over now, right? It's over now? Yeah, the Snapchat's over now. This is good water. Yeah, how come... Actually, Sean, I wanted to ask you this.

How come you make me pour water... I offered you water and you made me pour it out and then pour it into the neighbor's two... My neighbor's two cup? You made me pour it out and then pour it into the Neighbors 2. My Neighbors 2 cup? Yeah.

Well, that's the only cup I drink out of. It's a hot pink Neighbors 2 cup. Do you remember when everyone thought that you were actually drinking out of that Deadpool cup? Oh, God. Our fans are so stupid. We trick them and make them think we're into Deadpool when actually my favorite movie, Neighbors 2, is the only cup I'll accept. They're suckers. Dude, so you've seen it, right?

Remember when Teddy switches sides? Oh, yeah. That was so mean. Well, but Seth Rogen and his Australian wife are like, yes! Oh, right. No, mean to the bad guys. It's mean to the bad guys, which is good. Well, but they're not exactly bad guys. Oh, right. Yeah.

Nobody's bad in the movie. No, everyone has their reasons. Yeah. Sean, can I remind you, while you are at Brett's, that is all your water for the day. That's all the water that you have access to. You might want to bring some home with you. Well, it'll be stashed inside a glass.

Wait, what? You take my water? Brett, it's not I'm already paying your phone bill honestly can I just be honest with you Brett if we're just kind of looking at you I think you've been having a little too much water and I actually think Sean is being very nice

taking a little some of the water away from you because I don't think you need any more water right now. Yeah, Brett, I heard in the Jungle Book they wanted you to play one of the fish and you had to have less water around you to

do it. That'd dry you off. Dry you off to play a fish. that is a jungle book joke Brett dude I don't remember

a fish character from the jungle book come on man don't be a fucking baby that was what was in the one thing is in the waterfall

to be a fucking baby dude I'm just saying waterfall it's a good jungle book joke I'm just saying hell yeah it feels like hell yeah how yeah dude how yeah how yeah is that a howl at oh let's talk about howl yes please it's great

it's so funny the content is exclusive you can only get it there yes i mean on this secret club you know yes i love hide i love hiding our stuff from the fans and they're all looking for it look where to go oh yeah no that's the one thing i really enjoy is like well because i don't want to laugh at stuff that other people have heard and then I have to talk to them about it. I want to laugh at something only I heard. Yes. Yeah, and I want to pay for that privilege as well. Oh, yeah.

Well, you know it's good when you're paying for it. Then you're actually like, well, now there's some quality insured. You get something free, you don't know what you're getting. I just want to make sure I'm not still licking the lollipop am i i don't want to have been lollipop okay i don't want the spinny wheel to have been there so i don't want it to be like i've been looking at the lollipop this whole time you don't want to get tummy ache yeah i mean do you know what that spin spinning wheel means on a computer i don't think it means what you think it means. Goes up, must come down. Yes.

Spinning wheel. Yes. Brett's a freaking clown. Yes. Damn it! Yeah. That's a Krusty the Clown reference. He kind of looks like Homer,

but if you notice the face... I don't know. If you notice the face. I don't know. I haven't seen it. You haven't seen The Simpsons? I haven't seen it, no. Oh, Mia's... I've seen some of The Simpsons.

Mia's calling. Did you watch it? Yeah. Oh, I've just seen some of the different guys. Hi, Mia. Uh-huh. Oh, right. Okay, she's got to perform an autopsy on the ghost.

Mobert? Is one of them named Mobert? How long is the autopsy going to be? Only like 10 more minutes? Okay, great. So she's got 10 more minutes. She's got to do an autopsy on the ghost. 10 more. Okay.

Mobert is one of them. Yeah. Yes, I definitely saw. I saw Mobert. Mobert, Dongbert, and and Cartman, I think is the Simpsons. Yes, I remember him.

The baby. Yeah, the baby. The evil baby. Yeah, he's trying to kill his mom. So, yeah, Mobert, Dongbert, and Cartman. Yeah, I've seen it, but I just don't know it. I, yeah, I seen it, but I just don't know it. Um, so Mia actually, uh, that was her.

She's doing the autopsy. She's going to be here soon, but she, um, wanted us to, uh, just keep going without her. Oh, okay. Keep going. Just on our call. She wanted me in haze to make sure we caught up. Did she ask for you and I to catch up? Yeah, she was saying that she just wanted us to just sort of have our friendship explored, you know?

By the time she gets here. That's nice. Okay. Why don't you ask us some questions for us, Brett? Yeah, Brett. Instead of us just like talking to each other. Driving the whole bus all the time. Yeah.

Okay. Question. Let's see. What do you think of all the other engineers? I'm the best, right? All the other engineers. Let me think. Okay.

Hmm. I'm trying to remember the different ones. Cody's intimidating just because he's so smart. Yes. Well, look, and Sam has the tattoos. Yeah. And so... I feel safest around you.

Yes. I do too. And my whole thing is like good i like my instinct is to dominate them and to humiliate them because i am actually very afraid of them yeah that's right no i'm so scared all the time and uh i just know that at any time if they wanted to they could completely take over and make me be their Snapchat or anything they want.

You're saying you're not intimidating by me. I sort of cut them off at the pass. I see Ryan, Engineer Ryan, sometimes looking at me and thinking about having me pretend to be on his Snapchat. It's true. And I know that he doesn't know

how easy it is. Once he did do that to me. Kissed his bicep and looked at me. He did. Yeah, he looked right at me. And so I know that he doesn't know how easy it is. But Brett, you couldn't do anything to us.

He was just sneezing into his arm. No, that's how he kisses. That's how you're supposed to sneeze, not with your hands. No, that's how Ryan kisses Brett. No, that's how he kisses. It's a violent kiss. Mwah! Mwah!

Mwah! Yeah. And it was sort of making me scared that he might do that to me. Unless I made fun of him but so i feel safe surrounding because you couldn't do shit you're not smart enough to trick us you're not strong enough to beat us up now you don't appear to have a snapchat well he just rolled around on it and so it was it's broken. There's really nothing you could do. Okay.

Wow. Cody or Sam are smart enough that they could pull off a trick or trap us. You'll cut what? Out of your memory? Yeah, sorry. I just mean out of my memory. You can do that? How's your dad's basement going Sean

I hate it it's actually not a badass condo at all it's it's kind of sad a place to live there's like a rent I pay is insane

I just don't. Well, here's the thing. My TV that I have down there is broken. So you, yeah. So I've been having to like have somebody come fix it every day. That's just the microwave. I can't afford a new one. No, it's a TV.

Can you open it yeah but why would i want to do that well there's almost nothing in there except like stains yeah and you say you you say you don't own a tv because you're embarrassed of the one that you have i have to get it fixed every day right it's astronomical the price yeah and when you put the characters inside they get either extremely hot yeah or they fall apart or yes become liquid well it's always an action movie you know like it Well, it's always an action movie. You know, like it's always a movie where the characters all die, either by melting or exploding. So, you know, because I'll go down to the toy store and I'll get a bunch of characters. Maybe it's like Smarty Smurf with a tennis racket or something.

Put it in the TV. I'll put him in there. He's talking to All-Star, the leader of the Snorks. And All-Star's got like a freaking badminton racket. And the two of them, I think they're going to play, but instead they just sort of slowly rotate and melt. Which, by the way way that show sucks I don't know why everyone is so obsessed

with that show I hate that the AV club sucks its dick I think it's cause they advertise on it yeah it's gotta be everybody's for sale they're all in bed with each other

well mia just canceled sorry oh brett i'm so sorry yeah again yeah well the autopsy turned up some uh suspicious activity and so she's got to go investigate the crime and actually catch the killer of this ghost turns out they were already dead when the car caught fire. Did she say that she was going to come back tonight? Yeah. With the Beatles? Yes. She said, oh yes, she's going to solve the crime and then she and the Beatles

are going to get in the car and then maybe around 6, 10 she could come back and maybe we could move this whole Skype operation in front of the TV. And then, Hayes, you and I can record the episode, but also maybe

we could watch our show. It's just like, that's also when the Warriors game was on and I had it recorded, so I should cancel that. We can put the Warriors game on. Is the basketball... Oh, is that what time it's on are you talking about the swirling melting basketball fitted there sean yeah though yeah they i i

not a huge one okay well like the wnba uses but a little how big does it need to be, Brett? Yeah. I mean, I'm guessing... Well, it's got to be small enough that Kit from Tailspin can hold it. Yay big? Oh, okay. Well, let's just jam it in there and then we'll... That's not Warriors basketball. Hmm?

That's not what a basketball game is. Oh, what Warriors do you mean? The Battletoads or something? No, and I don't mean the skateboarders. Skateboarders. What is he talking about? What is he talking about? Well, anyway, unfortunately we're not going to be able to record an episode today.

No, I'm not into movies. You guys aren't actually into movies? I hate movies. No, we hate not going to be able to record an episode today. No, I'm not into movies. You guys aren't actually into movies? I hate movies. No, we hate movies, Brett. Who do you think you're talking to? I hate movies. I hate showbiz. In Hollywood?

Look, I do this for one reason and one reason only. Pussy. Yes. I'm addicted to the stuff. The smell, the addicted to the stuff. And everything else that I hate. The smell, the taste, the feel. The smell. You always talk about smells.

I'll smell anything, Brett. You know that about me. Yeah. And I know we were talking about how it feels terrible before, but I don't know why. It's like when you have a canker sore and you just keep sort of poking at it. Yes. Well, that's what that is.

So anyway, yeah, that's why I pretend to like movies or like have to hang out with M. Sacks or even like any of this shit. But okay, so we'll talk again at six. Yeah, okay. So, we'll talk again at six. Yeah, right. And so, you can be there. So, we'll set all this up again. Can you stay here from, like, don't leave because I might want to come by early and just do some of my exercises. Okay.

You're going to use the backyard again for your exercises. And then you're going to collect the sprinkler water. Mm-hmm. I mean, the whole yard is dead now because you've been taking all the water. Well, I think that probably what happened is I killed a lot of it with my punches. Yes, first of all. Because my exercises, as you know, is sort of a walking punch push-up around your grass. Which he did because we are in a drought, Brett.

And you're not supposed to have all that grass. The grass is stealing water. Sean had to punch it until it was dead. Yeah, so your welcome environment. The way I remember it, they wanted your lawn to play one of the landscapes in a jungle book. I was just going to make a jungle book joke. No, you can't. Because it can be about animals, but it can also be about plants, we know.

Remember? I was going to say snake in the grass. Oh, I wouldn't have liked that. So, Hayes, we'll talk later, huh? Yes, okay. Okay, well, okay, bye. All right, good seeing you guys. Bye.

And Brett, you didn't record that, right? Oh, no. That Pro Tools is just frozen. bye and Brett you didn't record that right oh uh no that that Pro Tools is just frozen yeah I saw on the screen it looked like recording but it's

it's just frozen just a that's your screen saver that's just my screen saver exactly okay yeah and it's saying recording

with the timer on it yeah just cause some of the stuff about me peeing on myself and how it's gooping sticks and some of the stuff about Adam Seing on myself and how it's goop and sticks and some of the stuff about Adam Sachs' hair smell bad. And sexy, it hurts. Sex hurts.

The impression of Scott Aukerman, yeah, that sex hurts and that I'm essentially just scared of it and that we hate our fans. You hate the fans. Like if anybody recorded that, that would be bad. It'd just be bad for that to get out there. Right. Yeah. And Adam's bonnet, the fact that he even wears a bonnet, he doesn't want people to know that. He wouldn't want people

to know that so anyway alright anyway 6pm so I'll see you at 6 ok alright see ya

bye Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby. That was a HeadGum Podcast.