Hollywood Handbook - Sharon Horgan, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: June 27, 2016

Hayes and Tom invite SHARON HORGAN to stop by the Handbook East studio to do community service by workshopping some jokes from past episodes while Sean calls in.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. it's little C's and it's Kevin Meaney and we're all on this Slack chat group. Yeah. For work. Yeah. And, and, uh, and little C's kept,

keep sending me and Kevin photos of one of those square Chemex filters and how you're supposed to fold the thing. Uh huh. And Kevin, you know, he's using all caps because he's sort of a loud guy. Yeah. And he keeps saying you've got to squeeze the corners. But I'm saying, no, you've got to work out from the middle. And it's a little easy.

Yeah, go ahead. And this is, like, is this to make, this is for homemade soda, right this to make this is for homemade soda right yeah this is for homemade strawberry soda okay um and he sent us a photo of the berries and the sugar and the water and a photo of just a bottle of bubbles he said so um so he's getting ready to pour them all in but obviously you have to filter them out or else you'll get too much seed. Yeah, you have to filter out the seeds, yeah. Yeah, and so, anyway, he winds up hurting himself pretty bad. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz.

And that's a little delay. What up, what up? I'm in New York still, and I have never really explained why. Have I talked about why I've been here? Have I said that yet, Sean? Oh, I don't think you did explain it. It's for what we're doing today, because what we do on the show is a lot. We started the show to help people, especially with their careers, but not just their careers, but like their personal lives as well.

People who are most in need can sort of like listen to us and maybe use our example and the examples of our friends who have been so successful in their own lives to fix themselves. I came here to help somebody who is probably the most in need of any of our listeners. He has fallen on very hard times. He has tried to destroy the show multiple times. But that's behind it. Those efforts have been so unsuccessful that they're very easy to forgive. And so what I've been doing here is, no, go ahead, Sean. No, I mean, yeah, it is very easy to forgive.

First of all, I love my haters. I wake up every day so motivated by the haters out there who inspire me. by the haters out there to inspire me. And this guy's just like kind of a really fun version of one of our haters where you're able to put a face to the name. And also his efforts are so weak

to destroy it that you almost wonder if he loves the show so much that he's kind of just having a goot. He wants to make the show stronger. He can't seriously be trying, you know? Yeah, it's great. Obviously, you know who it is.

It's Tom Sharpling. Tom is here in the New York studios. How's it going? Hey, Sean. Hi, Tom. I got a call from a listener a few weeks ago, shortly after we did the episode where you and Julie came on and saying that you had sold the movie rights to our podcast

and you were stealing it for yourself. I got a call that somebody had seen Tom floating on his back in the Hudson River, clearly alive, fully clothed, but having a conversation, wearing a piece of seaweed as like a Bluetooth headset. Sure. Yeah, no, I can explain that. Okay.

I was working, because look, if you're going to be in this business, you just do it for the work. That's what I do for the work. The money, you chase excellence and money chases you, is what I say. With this field, I find myself blessed enough to be in. And I had been a part of optioning and developing the Hollywood Handbook movie.

And it actually, I honestly can't think of a way it could have gone better. The movie is great. And everybody would, movie is great. Everybody would. It was great. It doesn't currently exist anymore. I guess anymore it doesn't exist. It just doesn't exist anymore. It did exist. It was really good.

We're just really trying to get these drives, if you format them incorrectly it's really tricky with these things like there's like dos fat when you like partition a new hard drive and you had it in the yeah in the can basically you have to be very careful with that i'm finding out what was on the drive was that the movie the movie was on the footage? The movie. You shot the whole thing. The finished movie.

Did they get wet? They did get wet. That's not what the problem was. Initially, they were... I was wet when I tried to fix them. Did you try to dry off the wetness with some form of fire?

I was cold also because I was so wet. First of all, let me back up on the wet thing. Work is work. You know what I mean? Like the way a guy like Michael Caine, he'll do a blockbuster one week, and next thing you know, he's doing a thing just for the money. And I was doing one of the Seinfeld tours, right?

I was kind of running one of those. And you remember the episode when Kramer hit the golf ball into the whale? This is a tour of New York City where people can go see shots, like locations where... Where things were filmed. Where Se where things were filmed. Where Seinfeld was filmed.

And that to you is the equivalent of Michael Caine doing the Batman movies. Work is work, brother. It is. It is. Thank you, Sean. Sean gets it. So I was... Remember the episode when Kramer hit the golf ball and ran the whale's blowhole

and then the whale... The sea was angry, Tom. the whale, they had to. The sea was angry, Tom. The sea was angry that day. Yeah, so I went out there. From George. What's that? He said from George.

From George says it. When he says a quote, he says from whoever it was. Okay, yes. So I was showing everybody, because it's a dual thing. It's where Sullenberger landed the plane and where Kramer hit the golf ball into the Wells blowhole. And then the— Costanza. What's that now? Costanza.

That's the last name of the person who said the show. I think, Sean, at this point, with all due respect, if we're talking about Seinfeld and you say George, we know you mean Costanza. Well, you're a tour guide. You're a Seinfeld tour guide. Okay. You can't assume that everyone else knows all this stuff. This is your job. So I have to assume that this is like a guy who

is maybe watching his first Seinfeld on the tour? Well, Sean's not... You're not giving the tour right now, Tom. I get... It's very hard to tell the difference sometimes. I did so many of those tours. And the...

Costco. That's the difference sometimes. I did so many of those tours. And the... Bosco. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's the pin code. That was, yes. That's right. And if... Bob Sacamano.

Bob Sacamano, yep. Okay, so what happened with the drive? Basically, it was a very surly group on the tour, and they pushed me into the hudson and part of me just decided to i was going to go back and fight them and then another part of me just decided to just like just float there and i guess that's when somebody must have seen me but then i went home wet and elaine i was gonna el Elaine yes that's the another character on Seinfeld and I think so he thinks all its last name is pronounced Venus so if

he says that okay I'll just I'll let that go yeah I was gonna watch the movie to cheer myself up and kind of remind me why I'm in this business in the first place. Venus. Uh-huh, yeah, Elaine Venus. See, by this point, I would have given you a sticker on the tour, because you've kind of gone so far above and beyond everyone else, knowing your Seinfeld trivia. Okay, but we have a get. We want to get to it. So you get home. Oh, I'm sorry. So I get home, put the

movie, try to fire the movie up on the drive and then the hard drive is just doing that where you can just hear it going but it's not starting. Because you're soaking wet. No, so at that point I'm just like, what is up with this thing?

Yeah. I get my little screwdriver out and I drip onto the thing. Admittedly, I probably should have dried off before I tried to fix the hard drive. Can I say, when you say home,

when you say you get home. It was the, it's the train yard. It's the train yard. Yeah, it's the train yard. So you did manage to get a new abandoned train car to live in. It's pretty good. The soup guy. Yeah, the soup guy. So you did manage to get a new abandoned train car to live in.

It's pretty good. The soup guy. Yeah, the soup guy. So it's pretty good. I can't have any soup. Would you like another sticker, sir? No, you're not on the tour, Todd. We're in the studio. Sorry, sorry.

We're explaining. Remember? Okay, so suffice it to say, this movie is not happening. We're in the studio. Sorry. Sorry. We're explaining. Remember? Okay. So suffice it to say, this movie is not happening. If anybody listening to this knows how to repartition a disk drive. No, that's not what this is about. Okay. Because that's part of why I came here.

No, we're not doing this to fix your heart. Looking for a tech person. Part of what I came here. No, we're not doing this to fix your heart. Part of what I came here to do, Tom has been submitting jokes for the show. We have a submission program for the show where people can fax in jokes because we write the scripts ahead of time. And a lot of it is ours when we have like a small staff. But it's also supplemented by jokes that contributors send in. And it can be sort of a training program for somebody to eventually become a staff member on the show if it goes really well. And so Tom has been submitting jokes.

Yeah, look, I mean, some people would say at one point I was a lock for third chair, maybe even second chair on this show. But there is no ladder at it. You know what I mean? Could I have replaced Sean? I think so. And that's not the attitude that we're approaching today. No, there's no difference.

No, it's one of humility. Yes. And understanding the place where we're at now and the location where we are and what we're doing. Hello, Newman. What's that? Hello, Newman. Yeah, that's Jerry's rival, Newman. Newman's job is, anybody?

Jay Peterman. No, Newman is not jay peterman anybody know what newman does for a living anyone george george no george is not newman or jay peterman oh it's already so so let's get into what we actually want to do here today for Tom. Because we advocate transparency on the show. By helping Tom, we hope we can help other people as well. And especially when it comes to the joke contributor program. This can help everybody. I could use some help on that. Because we're going to play clips of jokes that we have done on the last few shows that were submissions by Tom.

And we're going to do a live critique and it's not just us doing this we like combining our desperate friends who need the people out there who need help with people out there that are doing exceedingly well and are in a position to help them so we've brought sharon horgan here today who's a comedian. She's famous for Catastrophe. It's on your computer. How do they find Catastrophe on the computer? What time does this finish?

Because you said... We are getting a slow start. We are getting a slow start. Tom had this story that he wanted to tell I don't know how much longer it would have been if I hadn't stopped it but he told me that story on the way over so I knew all that right this

shows you I think what we're dealing with in terms of like the kind of help because you say you know this is like I can't help you get that film made though. No. And that's not the charity work that we're asking you to do. Um,

and I don't, does it make sense that Sharon knows the whole story and I don't, is that going to confuse the listeners? Well, it was just on the way over here that Tom was, that Tom was, was talking about it. Tom was riding, uh, Tom sort of was, we didn't have much room in the car and Tom was riding about it. Tom was riding.

Tom sort of was, we didn't have much room in the car, and Tom was riding in the trunk, but it was one of those cars where you can poke your head through the back seat. The armrest. Through the armrest. The armrest thing in the middle, yeah. Because it was because of me, actually, legally, that they have to have that switch you pull down

that can get you out of a trunk i was the reason that that's a legal requirement in a new car that's how you that's was your career at one point there's a guy who gets locked in cars in the trunks of cars and sues i found myself yeah it was It was kind of like the woman burning herself at the McDonald's on the hot coffee, but for cars. Tort reform. Yeah, tort reform.

So Sharon, you're here to do community service, essentially. I mean, you said that you need to do some community service, and this sort of counts against that for you. Yeah. I mean, I like to help people. Well, I appreciate it, first of all, because I look up to you because you are like a joke machine, and I just want to get these jokes right. And any help I can get, Ms. Horgangan to help me with these jokes i'm gonna take it well i'll have a listen where are they do you have any just like blanket advice about jokes

that that you like to tell when people ask you like how do i do the best joke um well you know i mean words words are good but that doesn't always have to be words. People get confused. It can be visual or not. It could be neither visual nor aural. It could just be... Yeah, what is the alternative? Mime. Oh, okay. Like a mime without any visual component.

Just a talking mime. Right? Can I clarify something? Yes. Can I get some clarity? Because Tom did say that she was a joke machine. And I have been called that before. But what I realized was they meant that I was like a machine that is in a joke.

I guess there's a famous joke about a milking machine that like tugs on a guy's Elaine Venus. And, and I didn't realize that. So when you say joke machine, Tom, do you mean a machine that makes jokes or a machine that lives inside a joke? A machine that makes jokes or a machine that lives inside a joke? I was probably talking about more of a machine that generates jokes more than a machine that yanks off people at farmhouses. Yeah, it was a guy visiting the farmhouse. His car broke down. Yeah.

I mean, we could... Right. We could... I don't know if it would help to tell the joke. It's probably not. Yeah, I don't think so. Well, unfortunately, I'm not a joke machine. I'm not that kind of joke machine

where I know the whole joke. You only know your part in it. I don't like the machine in the joke. Yeah. Okay. I didn't mean that kind of joke. I just meant the kind of machine that would generate jokes.

So let's get into... Let's play some of these clips. Let's play. And Sharon can listen to them. And we can talk about the jokes. And maybe ways we can improve them. And next steps for you and all that. So John, Engineer John, do you have the first clip? And the thumbs up, it seems very dismissive when you do it like that,

when you just do the thumbs up. Do two thumbs. Yeah, do two thumbs. And say, I'd love to. If I say, can you play the clip, can you say, I'd love to? I'd love to. Okay. What a triumph for Jon Favreau.

Good on you, Jon. Yes. yes did you also hear that Brett was in the Jungle Book and he was playing one of the apes and he had to shave for the part oh no

oh no oh no oh no you had to shave he's naturally more hairy than the apes. I showed you. So that was my joke. Yeah.

So that was a conversation we were having about the Jungle Book. And we had put out a call for Jungle Book jokes specifically. And I sent in about 80 of them. You sent in 80 jokes. Yeah. And this one, so the idea of the joke, like maybe you can explain the concept behind this Jungle Book joke at the cost of our engineer, Engineer Brett.

Go ahead, Sean. I'd love to get it. I mean, yeah, just I'd love to hear the concept because I never really wrapped my head around this one. I thought I had you on that one because both of you guys were cracking up so much at the joke. That was written in, you wrote that into the

script. I did write, I wrote, Sean laughs, Hayes laughs, Sean says, ooh-hoo-hoo, oh-ho-ho, I can't. And, look, I don't want to get too inside baseball when I'm coming up with jokes.

But I was like, if I'm going to make a Jungle Book joke, I was like, the guy Engineer Brett, he's like a clown. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And I was like, let's turn this Jungle Book joke not just about the Jungle Book. And I was like, let's turn this Jungle Book joke not just about the Jungle Book. It's like, what's a good joke to make fun of Engineer Brett in the course? I was like, he looks like a dumb ape.

So let's say he's so ape-like that for him to make the cut for a movie basically about, I didn't see the movie, I just want to say also. I didn't see it. I saw the poster. So you're just assuming that it has apes in it. There's apes and whatnot in it. Well, that's something I'm going to have to not... because I haven't seen it either. And that's something that could be very embarrassing for us. If I'm

making a joke that's like Engineer Brett had to shave to play an ape in the Jungle Book, if there are no apes, then I'm the one that has to hear about that. Sure that from my boss. That's a fair point. I would have bet the farm that there were apes in the Jungle Book

and I would have won that bet. So it's like, what if Brett was so ape-like that to qualify as an ape in this movie, he had to remove some of his ape-like human hair to look like an... You get it.

So... Let's throw this to Sharon. This Jungle Book joke, do you have any notes on the joke? If this were submitted to you for Catastrophe. Well,

I think, first of all, i didn't find it um funny oh okay okay but um secondly that's fair it's uh but that's okay i mean jokes can be not funny we we know that yeah um but brett the engineer who else knows he's hairy? I mean, it feels very specific. Well, he's not that hairy. So it doesn't even work on that level. It's not observational. Oh, okay.

It's surreal. Mm-hmm. And also, just the main thing is I didn't find it funny. Okay. But what were the other 79? A lot of them had to do more with, like, other jungle animals. Right. And other people who work on this show.

Yeah, kind of like saying that, like, Engineer Cody looks like a... To be honest, I'll say this. I was getting animals wrong that are not in the jungle, right? And also, can I also say say also describing some of the animals confusingly as if you didn't necessarily know what the animal looked like that you were trying to make a joke about the second one the one the one i thought you guys were going to go with was when i said engineer cody uh stinks like a jungle skunk and And then, I guess, subsequently, there are no skunks in the jungle.

Well, I mean, if I could just jump in there. I think, Tom, you have to write about what you know. Okay. And if you haven't seen the movie, don't make jokes about it. Okay. So let's strike one as i should have seen the movie because there might have been a jungle skunk not like your everyday there could be a type of animal

that has a similar you know sure yeah swings by it could there could be an animal in there that stinks and you could have compared who's the guy sure uh engineer cody engineer cody to that animal i think he's just about doing the research doing your homework that's good just a google smelly jungle animal yeah i should have can i jump in just with a note about a lot of the jokes that tom did submit that are not in this realm oh yeah yeah yeah i yes i'm glad i know what going to say. I'm glad you're saying this. Go ahead. There was a fair number of jokes about animals, but a lot of it was also just information about the Project for the New American Century, PNAC,

which was like a right-wing government think tank that shortly before 9-11 said that, you know, America would need a new Pearl Harbor in order to engage in the sort of wars abroad for these oil fields. And he wanted me to Google Georgia Guidestones. He wanted me to Google the USS Liberty. And a lot of those, I wasn't really finding humorous. And I wonder if I just don't get it, or Tom, if there's an angle that I'm missing. Well, Sean, I think there's different types of jokes, and some of them are dark jokes,

and some are fun jokes, and I was just saying, like, what if I kind of put a twist, because Hollywood Handbook is generally like a celebratory show. Yeah. And the jokes are about movies and TV shows. The stuff from the toy. If life is a department store, guys, we're in the toy aisle. Yeah. Right?

It's how I like to think of it. So I was like, what if I took us over to like the automotive aisle or boys' clothes or something? Whatever would be equivalent. So to you, because a lot of these were, yes, 9-11 conspiracy theories. And I'll just say. And that to you is the boys' clothes aisle? Boys' clothes half off was another joke that you had.

And that was. that was really upsetting. Look, to be fair, that was when you guys said there was a good chance you were going to have Michael Jackson's manager on. That would have been the worst person to do it for. But that's gotcha humor. And I was looking to get some guys. That's one thing. I was also trying to figure what voids are there in the Hollywood handbook thing. And you guys don't do a whole lot of gotcha humor.

Right? No. You know what I mean? A gotcha kind of joke, Sharon? No. Where it just like, it hurts somebody. Yeah, I said that I did know, but I actually don't. Where you go like, say you're Michael Jackson's manager and I'll be Sean.

I'm Michael Jackson's manager. Okay. Wait, who is? Sean thinks you were asking him to be Michael Jackson's manager. Okay, Sean, you're Michael Jackson's manager. Well, who's Sharon? Okay. Sharon is...

I'll just observe. You've got to be somebody. You're a reporter covering this because it's pretty newsworthy that Michael Jackson's manager is in studio. Shannon, do you want to be Michael Jackson's manager? No, no, no. You be Michael Jackson's manager. So I'll be...

I've got a cool angle on it, but I'm open to whatever. Yeah, go for it. Hey everybody, it's me. It's me, Sean Clements. We're so excited to have Michael Jackson My arm is caught in a trap My arm is caught in a bear trap So his angle

that he's playing is that Michael Jackson's manager's arm has been caught in a bear trap And now I guess it's over to you How do you How do you react? Hayes, can you get that bear trap off of him? I guess you would tell the boys' clothes half off.

Oh, no! I'd be like, hey, we're all so sad about the passing of your number one client. I see the fucking phone! I was wondering, did you ever hear if he went to the Michael Jackson special at a Kmart? Why aren't you helping me? I'm going to have to 127 hours this mofo. Boy's pants half off. Okay. That's what we're

ruffling it. And then you go, gotcha. That seems like that actually would have gone over okay. Then you go, gotcha.

I'm glad we played that out because it seemed like he did really enjoy it. Can we play, let's move, let's play the next clip,

which I think this is from an ad read we did in the Matt Besser episode. And, John, I don't know. Okay. Would you love to do this, or do you not want to do it at all?

I'd love to. I'd love to. Great. Thank you. I think the whole family. You think it builds strong bonds when the family cooks together? Well, like the kids get involved. They can chop up a bell pepper.

I tell you what builds strong bonds steroids oh hey now hayes matt hates this what you're doing so again so this is a joke that you submitted again you had really starred this one you put a lot of like stars and like drew a lot of arrows around it like and said and wrote like do it do this one yeah must do yes my one big note i have on this is for you to write in to the script that it fails is such a strange strategy that the guest boos the joke, essentially. And then you have me set up to make a joke and then you put in Sean's script

that the guest hates what I'm doing. In my defense, that was more a bit of... I like to try these different comedy styles on. Now, Sharon, you do what, what would you say is your comedy style? Just so I could get some perspective when I'm learning from you about jokes. Sharp.

Sharp. Yeah. So just sharp. Shrill. Shrill. Shrill and sharp. Yeah. Because I was going for anti-comedy on that one, which is kind of like...

I think anti-comedy is a tricky one to pull off because it often is just not comedy. Yeah, it's anti-comedy. So what kind of a response do you expect from anti-comedy? Like, oh, that, but not more sort of i guess i meant that would be great i mean even an oh would be good better than booing but do you want people to get angry i want people to think with that one ultimately and we should explain this joke to sharon by the way because it's a baseball joke. Oh, I see. We would have to essentially translate to cricket terms for Sharon. Yes, exactly.

So Barry Bonds, I guess for you, you would have to picture a really strong Indian guy who is in long white pants, but he's done steroids to get really strong. And where's the joke there? Is it just a statement? but he's like done steroids to get really strong. And where's the joke there? I, you got to like, I guess. Is it just a statement? Can you give me the name of a top cricket player,

Sharon? Um, um, Ian Botham. Jiminy. Back in the day. Ian Botham. Okay.

Sean said Jiminy. Jiminy. Freddie Flintoff. Okay. Freddie Flintoff. Perfect. So, you know... Sorry.

Freddy Flintoff is a top cricketeer. And do you know what helps him build big muscles so that he can swing that cricket bat? Steroids! And then you go. And see, that didn't even get a... But then you go and this is the part that I

probably should have written out. I was hoping this would get you to just go like, steroids. I mean, what is this? Oh, right. You wanted them to riff off exactly so maybe if you'd written um with the stars and the arrows just written riff riff off yes anti-comedy because no people are shocked by the fact that he's laying out a joke that sucks shit basically to be fair to all of us But then it tees him off to just go,

I mean, what is this? It's people trying to get bigger and bigger for what? So they can hit a little ball into the stands, and then meanwhile, billionaires are paying for the stadiums, and little kids are watching, right? See, well, this is a great riff. A little bit of, yeah, a bit of politics. Yeah, like a Bill Maher.

A comment on corruption in sport. And it makes me wonder. Yeah, go ahead. Can I just jump in for a second? And I don't want to get too far away from it, but I am sort of stuck on, we talked a little bit about comedy styles, and the one I heard,

the style I heard was sharp and shrill, but the only styles I'm familiar with are casual forward and mix yeah these are our for when we do ads for 5-4 clothing you choose a style profile and the ones you choose

from are casual forward and mix and Sean is confusing those style profiles with sharp, shrill, and I guess anti-comedy. And I love where we're going. I just want to make sure I can wrap my head around it

so it's shrill, just sort of the British analog for, let's say, forward or mix. For Sean to understand it, you need to translate your comedy style into something that Sean could wear. analog for, let's say, forward or mid. You would need to, for Sean to understand it, you need to translate your comedy style into something that

Sean could wear. Just a tight sweater. Now, do you feel... Thank you. Should we, actually, this is a good segue into the next ad, which I believe is from,

the next clip is from the same episode. The next ad read that we did because we tried to kind of once some other stuff wasn't working, we just put your jokes in the ads. Yeah, you slid me over to the ads, which usually it goes the other way that usually you go from the ads to the show. Yeah. And I went I'm going from the show to the ads. Yeah, I think this is a clip from that ad, but if it's not, then it'll be the next one. And so, John, what do we say? I'd love to.

Will you come in here and say it when you're going to do that? Because I can't hear it when you do it. With the engineers, and I don't mean this to be a slight on John or anybody, this just defines the difference between New York and Los Angeles. I just want to say

this is a perfect example of the difference between New York and Los Angeles. This show is? There's just such a difference between New York and Los Angeles. You know? I'd love to. It's so scary when you disappear on the show when you're in a different room.

It really scared me really, really scared me really, really bad job. It's just such a difference between New York and Los Angeles. Take, sleep with that. Guys, I'm going to have to bounce in a second just so you know. I don't want to scare anyone.

When I disappear, John, I tell people I'm going to. Okay, well, let's play this clip because I think this is relevant to you, Sean. Okay, I'd like to hear this. There's a profile for every guy. This is the part Hayes was getting excited for. Is this just for guys? Only dudes.

Chicks can wear the same old thing every day, but guys in this modern environment, they really got a peacock to get the ladies. But guys in this modern environment, they really got a peacock to get the ladies. And there's no better way to peacock than to get 5'4". If you're a dude who pees out your cock. I don't know. That's terrible. So this was a joke that Tom submitted for the ad. There's no better way to peacock for a guy who pees out his cock.

There's no better way to peacock for a guy who pees out his cock. And now, Sean, you started to deliver this joke, and then you abandoned it. Can you sort of describe what you were going through as you? Sure, yeah. My experience was Tom had given me an envelope marked classified. It said, do not open until you're ready. And then there's another envelope inside, and it said, this one's a real humdinger.

So every layer, anyway, there are 15, 16 envelopes, you know, to get to the joke. And each one keeps promising something really good. So you hear me vamping a little bit in the ad, just trying to get all the paper off. And then when I do actually get there and go to read it, I mean, maybe it's in the delivery that I did sell out the joke a little bit by saying this is terrible and kind of mumbling it. Yeah, I was not happy with that.

Yeah, and I understand that, but I guess to me the joke over-promised and under-delivered. The area of pee and talks, that's not really our show. Our humor is more mixed and a little casual. Um, that humor is probably too forward. And so I just think that if you're going to say like, this one's a humdinger, I would rather have it be in the area of Sean being an eight. I know we don't love that, but Brett being an ape or anything like that. Go ahead, yeah?

Sean, I'm going to just say this, and don't take this as a criticism. You're very hard to write for. You're very hard to write for with these jokes. When I write a joke for Hayes, like when I wrote in a recent episode, say that Bart Simpson is related to Jessica and Ashley Simpson six times. He did it all six times.

Even if nobody was, even if nobody was acknowledging it in the room, he all six times he did it. And even though the returns were diminishing at best, he kept selling it. He did what was on the page. I just at best, he kept selling it. He did what was on the page. I just... Well, you were there, like, brought you there to kind of watch.

And you were there gesturing, keep going. Go, go. One more. One more. Yeah. One more time. Say Bart Simpson. On this next wall, the laugh you're looking for, you know, the laugh you're looking for

is in another castle Mario I said to him it's like the story of Everest it's like the story of Everest if you go it's not funny it's not funny now but the next time the fourth time you say what about Bart Simpson it's not funny

the sixth time they're going to lose it it's repetition another thing in comedy do Do you know repetition? Yeah, I use repetition. I use repetition. You just did right there. See, that was funny. Can I use that?

Sure. Can I use that? See, I just did use it. Can I just say, this makes me want to cry like tears of joy just watching you grow like this before our eyes and to learn from well no I was just going to say

if it is Sean's delivery that's the issue then it would be good if maybe you could deliver the peeing out the cock. You know, the joke I'm talking about. Yeah, how was it intended to be? How was it?

Yeah. Did you want him to repeat it? Don't forget to give me a read, Tom. Sure. I'm not one of these actors. You can't give me a line. Okay. Well, this is what the line read would have been on that.

It was like, you know, because out here you got a peacock, brother. You know, you're trying to make your mark. You're peacock peeing at your cock. See? If you wouldn't. That's a really, yeah. I get it now because I didn't get it. Yeah, there's almost a racial component to the character that I didn't.

It doesn't show up on the page. Well, I was hoping. Sean, I was hoping. It's a parenthetical jack turkey. No, I was hoping you'd tap into a character like Streetman. And it's still your look. It's still you. It has nothing to do with race or anything like that.

But you're just like... Because you are fancy in real life. And this would just be you almost like Prince and the Pauper style. Like the other Sean. Well, if I could suggest if you sort of parenthetically say street man or jive

talk. Well, I wouldn't say that. Okay. One of those things when you write a joke like that, you know how you want it to be delivered. Sure. Sean, you know he came up short on that, but maybe you didn't give him the guidance. How many more envelopes am I supposed to

give him? I do have to run. Where do you have to go? I got to get into this filibuster right now. We're sort of holding the floor because do you remember the movie Turbo about the racing snail?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I guess there's a bunch of people that want to turn that movie, use that footage to make sort of a snail porno. And then there's other people who don't want to let that happen. And so I'm supposed to get in there as kind of a guy who's worked in movies and who wants to stand up for freedom. Can I ask, you don't have to say what side of this you are coming out on, but do you have a sample of your testimony? Well, I will say that the phrase snail trail is

used several times in the sort of speech I have prepared um so you know I won't necessarily say whether it's positive or negative but what I would say is who's getting hurt okay well

alright good luck so okay so hopefully hopefully yeah turbo will be um yeah well that's a sure it does have a good point i mean it seems like snails are probably getting hurt oh um i think it seems like they're enjoying what they're doing in the version that I'm picturing. Okay. If they're getting hurt, then it's like that's sort of part of it for them, I guess. But anyway, I have to get to the Snowbuster. Go through these other jokes.

Sharon, it was so great to meet you. Thanks again for sharing some of your time with us. And that was submitted by... See, that's how you sell my jokes. Thank you, Sean. And the results are clear. So, yeah. Alright. Love you, Hayes.

Bye. Sean, I just want to say goodbye to you. And I appreciate... Wait, he's gone. Yeah, I think he is gone. Do we have Sean, John? Okay. So that'll have to... I'm waiting to see if you say it back.

Wow. This was not the time, I guess, that I expected to do this. Yeah. But, yeah, I love... I love Sean. I don't want to say, like, I don't want to say directly to him, but, yeah, I love Sean. I don't want to say directly to him, but yeah, I love my friend Sean.

That's nice. That is nice. Right? I don't get it, though. He seems like a knob. Is that good? What's the difference between a knob and a bellend? I can never figure that out.

And every time I search it, I only go down weird roads. And then the computer shuts itself off on me. Is this for a joke? You want it for a joke? I think anything is game to be material. A bellend is just the bell end. It's the, you know. Why is it all door stuff with you guys? his game to be material. A bell end is just the bell end. It's the, you know.

Why is it all door stuff with you guys? And the knob is, I think it's a bit further up the shaft. It takes in more of the appendage. Hold on a minute. If you're with a fella or something, you could do like,

ding dong on the bell. And then the guy says, come in. Then you use the knob. I love British comedy. And I've taken so much from it with these things. I hope if you've picked up on me trying to incorporate some of the elements of it into what these guys are doing. I can smell the influence a little in what you do. Tom likes to call his stuff very dry,

which I have not seen a lot of. I don't know what you think that means, but your stuff is soaking, as soaking wet as you yourself frequently are. you don't think any of my stuff is dry i don't know like dryness to me is like not trying very hard you know just like deadpan and all that but uh you the the effort deadpan deadpan oh no please don't please don't summon Deadpool. That would be a pretty, like, if that movie got a bad review, it would be deadpan. Yeah, deadpan.

Okay, that's pretty good. Right? Yeah, and that was a pretty dry delivery. Was it? Yeah. Here's my deadpan of Deadpool. Deadpool? Deadpool? If you didn't like the movie

you could just say dead poo. Dead poo. Which is kind of, you know, it's like shit's on, which is the same. Sure. Dead poo. John, can we play the next clip, please? This is from the John Daly episode, I think. I'd love to.

First, just a little horace and Pete to go to sleep mhm but your tolerance builds up and you need even more Horace and Pete just to feel normal yeah porous and heat that's how I felt about my skin after this float tank this morning oh brother

so that was the episode we did with John Daly we put out a call for Horace and Pete jokes because we knew we were put out a call for Horace and Pete jokes because we knew we were going to be talking about Horace and Pete on the show. You had this joke for John specifically to set up that he had been floating in a sensory deprivation tank, which is what probably 60% of your jokes are about these sensory deprivation tanks. Yeah.

Probably 60% of your jokes are about these sensory deprivation tanks. Yeah. I just, I feel like it's the kind of thing that people really just, it's going to be like the next, like panini. You know, like the way every joke is a panini or throw up in your mouth. It's going to be sensory deprivation. Yeah. It's a funny word. It's a funny reference.

I miss this. But panini makers and vaping and then sensory deprivation tanks are next in terms of just like um we did sensory deprivation tanks in england like that's 10 years back well we're just getting it here now who was it was that like a fry and laurie thing yeah it's sort of a Les Dawson kind of... It's just been around for a while. So Wogan would be in a sensory deprivation... Wogan would have been... 50% of his material would have been

sensory deprivation tank based. Jimmy Savile in a sensory deprivation tank. I can't comment. It would be good if he was in one, right? He is pretty closely tied to that case. I think that's what maybe this community service that she has to do is sort of connected to. Because, well, look, for that porous and heat joke, John Daly's a dancer when it comes to words. And I'm just like, he just plays with the rhythms of it the way Fred Astaire dances.

And I'm just like, Horace and Pete, Porous and Heat. I just figured the rhythms he's going to get into. And it's like, if a guy's a dancer, you've got to let him dance. So that's what I was trying to do. Well, this is my main issue. What's that? That was a rejected joke. That was an out-rejected joke.

And then I kind of made a... And then you went around. Yes. And then run around. I walked it into him. Literally. Yeah. As he was in the thing, I have a dry erase board that I held in front of him. Horace and Pete. Porous and heat. Yeah. Just

like that sensory deprivation tank you were in today. And then he didn't. Was it worth the effort? For the joke? Getting the board and writing that down and pushing it. I didn't pay for the board. So I pay for the markers.

Those I can't find. The board I got for free. Well, I didn't get it. And there's a cut. You can sort of hear a cut. The editing is good but so what Tom does

is he takes this dry erase board with a joke on it and he's standing outside the window to our studio and he's so excited that he puts the

dry erase board through the window smashes the window cuts off the back of his hands so badly yeah

which is I think why like part of the reason john did end up delivering the joke because i think we all thought you were going to die you thought it'd be my last joke yes so he was i didn't well that that takes a little bit of the the kind of the the pride for me out of landing that one. And the fun. And the fun, yeah. Poor, can I, let me, I'm going to write a joke, right? I'm going to show that I can do this. Let me just write for you guys right now.

Okay. Okay? Is this a sensory deprivation tank joke? You'll see. I'll just whisper the jokes. If you guys talk, I'll whisper jokes for the two of you. Okay?

Can we try that? Okay. So this is like, what am I interviewing Sharon? Like just sort of what we would normally do on this show? Yeah. Okay. So like what's America interesting? Yeah, it's all right.

Yeah. I mean, it's just. What do you think of mcdonald's food um i um clear your throat again i'm not i'm not a really cough i'm not a huge fan of um mcdonald's because of um it's shite uh the smell say it's it's a bit shite it's a bit shite now what's that mean what's that what's that mean shite? It's a bit shite. Now go, what's that mean? What's that mean? Shite.

It's just a variation of shit, but sort of friendlier. Yeah, okay, I knew that. Makes me look like an idiot. But they're jokes. But why do you enjoy... What's the extra E stand for in shite? What's the extra E stand...

Sorry to not respond to your... Ask me a question, but what's the extra E stand for in shite? E.coli. It's E.coli. Well, that's something that you might get eating at McDonald's sometimes. That's true. Well, that was a great opportunity.

Why don't you give me that joke? I think he did give you. God damn it. He set you up for that joke I think that's the I cleared all the brush And then I leave the Motherfucker

Okay Ask about Parliament Okay that's good So parliament Yeah Is it What up with that Is it Parliament. Okay, that's good. So, Parliament. Yeah. Is it... What up with that?

Is it... What up with that? Well, I mean, in what way? That's quite a vague question. I like the way you asked it, but... What do you mean? Parliament. Parliament. I prefer... Is that a cigarette? Is there a cigarette? Parliament. Parliament.

I prefer. Is that a cigarette? Is there a cigarette? Parliament. Yeah. Okay. Parliament. I prefer.

Camels. Camels. Okay. I'm trying not to laugh, but that is good. Yes. That is fun. You say.

You say. Vote them all out. Vote them all out. Voldemort. Yeah. Vote them all out. Vote them all out. Voldemort. Yeah. Voldemort. Voldemort out. Voldemort.

Yeah. How do you get that scratch on his face anyway? How did Voldemort get that? Right? That's the opposite of Voldemort. Harry Potter's the opposite of Voldemort. Harry Potter's the opposite of Voldemort. How did Harry Potter get that scratch on his face anyway? Yeah.

Now you say, Harry Potter, more like, let me think, give me time on this one. Harry Potter, more like. I agree with you that the time is right for a more like Harry Potter, more like scary. I don't. Do you want help?

Okay. This would, here we go. Okay. Harry Potter. You know, I do fencing. I do like erotic fencing.

So I, Perry hotter. Who is talking? You, you, Sharon. Okay. Harry Potter.ry potter no way this is oh this is sean this is haze's line now okay sorry i got you mixed up she's not here what's my lead in you said you said voldemort you go ah from harry potter voldemort ah from

harry potter you know i like to do erotic fencing so i parry hotter okay so i am gonna be just taking that one okay so we're so i landed so this is so this is actually what the episode is gonna be now congratulations we're not gonna be using you for this episode anymore so the whole thing about like us helping you so like this worked out great because now I have a great interview episode with Sharon and we're just going to be cutting your stuff out. And the whole thing about you trying to be a contributor or whatever,

that's all going to be gone. And it's just going to be the interview. Because I think we really... I think we really have something. I'm interested in the finished product. Okay. You know that you have no claim to this. Yeah.

I'm comfortable with that at this point. What does at this point mean? At this point in my life. Yeah, but it's got to be at any point. I don't want you coming back later and being like, Hey, I noticed you used all my stuff for that interview with sharon like like am i gonna see any any points on that or or can i can i do it myself too like on the seinfeld tour if i'm just like by the way everybody uh we're coming up on uh

you can do it with this is where where Mickey and Kramer went to the hospital and were patients with acting like they had different illnesses. What about... I think if you're... Say you're writing a new script. Because you write films. Sure.

Yes, many. If you're writing a new script and it's a film about fencing and you get to the sex scene, then he should be able to use the... The Perry Hodder joke? Because, you know, I kind of think maybe that's your problem. Don't try and shoehorn, you know, don't shoehorn your jokes into shapes that don't fit the joke. So I take the joke... Take the joke... And build the don't fit the joke. So I take the joke.

Take the joke. And build the whole thing around one joke. Well, yeah, I mean, that's one way. But also you could just have a little envelope or a box and you could just put those and put future projects, put that, you know, with masking tape on the front, just right with a Sharpie and then. Future projects.

Future projects. And then, you know, over time, masking tape on the front just right with a sharpie and then future project future projects and then then you know over time all those terrible jokes that you're trying to you know shoehorn into things will have a home and and it won't be so awful for everyone these materials you're asking a lot i've done these things might be be a little tough to come by. Sharpie. Paper. I guess there has to be paper too, right?

Say he gets his hands on a box. Envelopes. We know he has those. I don't have any left. Those last 16 I did for Sean's pee in my cock joke. He puts all his future projects in the box, and then he starts thinking,

wait, why do these future projects get this nice place to live? And I'm out here. And so I could see Tom turning himself into a future project so he can live in the box. Does this seem like something that, how this might play out? Well, I guess a way I can justify it is if I write a joke on my face, and then I'm with the other jokes

or projects in the box, I can climb in, then I'm not there's nothing shameful about that. Okay. I'm just another project. So, I guess what we got is a great episode of the show, like a real,

I think, news-making interview with Sharon. Sure. And a place for you to be warm. Okay. I'll take it. This is a win. This is a win for me.

At least I'm not in the Hudson anymore. That Seinfeld tour is so hard, I'm telling you. I don't even think these people know what Seinfeld. Half these people don't even know what it is. What are these ones that you're doing? I hear about you doing them sometimes at night. The bass is so unwieldy. The bass?

Yeah. I have to play that dumb thing at every stop. Why don't you just record it onto some sort of... It's RIAA, recording industry tie-ups. And then, you know, I don't want Castle Rock coming after me. Yeah, they threw him into the Hudson as well. You can't get an assistant. Well, I just don't want to pay the clearances for it.

The original sample. No, get an assistant to carry the bass. Oh, I can't afford that. She's driving the van. The Seinfeld van. And the little amp. Those aren't cheap. But you have to do kind of the sound.

Even that is a little too close. You have to do kind of the sound alike of it. Yeah, I can do that here because this is not the tour. Okay, but what's the one you do on the tour? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Bye. On Run and Beverly, we love to ask our guests difficult questions.

Can I ask you a question about the N-word? Sure. Offensive? Were you the cutest baby that's ever been born? I know you were. Pat Jewish?

First of all, yeah, are you? I am not. Not at all? Have you done your DNA with Ancestry.com? I haven't done the DNA. Why haven't you done that?

Is it derogatory to call you a Kiwi? Your face is like a baby face. If kid and play had a baby together, then it would be you. Do you mind if I make a quick phone call? Uh, okay. That's so cute. Did you get a nose job? What about your great-grandparents?

Were they slave owners? They must have been. Oh, your poor mother. Listen to Rana. And Beverly. Today on... Earwolf.com, Howl, or your favorite podcast app. Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby.