Hollywood Handbook - Shaun Diston, Our Christmas Album Friend

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

SHAUN DISTON returns to help The Boys make a Christmas album.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I'm there with Krampus. Krampus Scrooge. And we're in the pipe waiting to jump out so Santa of course comes through the chimney Krampus comes up through the toilet through the toilet pipe yeah

not unlike the Ghoulies often discussed Ghoulies 2 I said that and he was like who? Krampus doesn't know the Ghoulies you know you have to learn your history doesn't know the ghoulies. You know. You have to learn your history, folks. We ran into ghoulies trying to come down through the pipe

as we're coming up. From the wrong toilet? No, they're just done. They were done in there? So what's the point of you even going? They had just finished. I know! So first, we have to be like,

okay, are you going to back up? Yeah. Or are we? We get past each other and it's like a toilet pipe. It's really tight. Even just me being in there, I have broad shoulders. Well, and the Krampus, not telling tales out of school, he's put on a little weight. Yes.

And so. The Krampus has gained some weight. I'm not trying to be impolite. Not disparaging. It's not good or bad. The ghoulies are like, well, we're much closer to the far end of the tank. I'm trying to be like, you can't go backwards.

No, it's one way. He is not going to be able to go backwards. He gets stuck, man. They're like, okay. They have to go all the way back up. All the way back up and out. Let you out, get back in. Yes, and by the way, any residual scaring that would have happened is they're now coming back up a second time.

No, no kidding. Backing out, being like, sorry, sorry, sorry, we'll be out of your hair in a second. And it really takes the sting out of what could have been a very frightening Christmas Eve. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. What's up, Hollywood Handbook? The Christmas show. It's the Christmas one. We're doing it, finally.

It's a little early, maybe. Depends on when this comes out. We got a lot of stuff to do. When it comes out. got a lot of stuff to do comes out when it comes out Jesus Hayes no but that's what I'm saying no I know we like undercut our own show

that's what I'm saying to them but it just comes out when it comes out whenever it comes out that's the right time for it to come out that's what I'm saying whatever joke I'm doing

that's the right joke to do this is all me too sacred geometry okay there's a rhythm to the planet Whatever joke I'm doing, that's the right joke today. This is all... Me too. Sacred geometry. Okay? There's a rhythm to the planets. You, okay, because that's what I am saying. The delicate ballet of the galaxy.

We, first of all, Sean texted on the way here that he was going to be a little late. Yeah. And Kevin just wrote, okay. Uh-huh. Which I thought was rude. And I pull in, and who do I see just getting here? Hazeman. Yeah. It was fine with me.

And it made me wonder, why am I ever here on time? Why do I do it to myself? And so apparently, I think to make up for the rudeness, Kevin very quickly put together some gifts. He slapped together some kind of fucking bet. Hey, what's up? I'm here. Sean Diston, hey, I'm sorry you have to see us get presents in front of you.

No problem at all. I was not given one. I was here 15 minutes early with Kevin, did not get a gift. 15 minutes early, that's good. I should have done that. Why, though? Why would you do that? The card comes out.

Happy holidays from Earwolf. Wow. Okay, here we go. It looks like, okay. Happy holidays from Earwolf, and it's a form letter, basically. Everyone here at Earwolf wanted to thank you for all of your hard work in 2019. Hang on, let me read mine. Yeah.

Extremely personalized. Everyone here at Earwolf wanted to thank you For all of your hard work in 2019 Actually, sorry, I'm going to do it in Cut and paste In the way it was written Dear eyes, everyone here at Airwolf Wanted to thank you for all of your hard work in 2019 Hollywood Handbook was downloaded

More than 22 million times This year Your most popular episode I think you're missing a period. Oh, sorry. 2.2 million times. Your most popular episode was Andy Daly

with over 63,000 listens. We're so happy to have you on our team and look forward to 2020. Love, Earwolf and Chef Kevin. Very personal. Plugging in the Chef Kevin there makes

me know, these guys get me. 2.2 million. 2.2. Could have been 22. That's impact. That's clout. Do they get you a gift that's like very personal? Sean Tisdon, are you chasing clout? Talk about these clout changers. I am chasing clout. Talk they get you a gift that's like very personal? It's something you guys talk about. Sean Tilton, are you chasing clout?

I'm chasing clout. By coming on the show. Talk about these clout changers. I am chasing clout. Talk a little bit. Talk about these people that are just out here for clout and me and just got it by accident. I want to talk about. Okay. And I will reveal this gift while you talk about that.

I want to talk about this Vulture article that mentions this episode. Which one? Oh. Ah. What is it? The masked engineer? Masked engineer. No mention at all

of your homework. I stan a salty king. No mention at all. What are they doing to you? None. The main guest. The main guest. I added so much

to that episode. Where did they get this? Where did they get this? Oh my God. How did they? I've been looking for this. It's an earwool. Oh wow.

How did they know? It's the style of hat that makes you look like an eight year old boy. It's got no structure to it. And this sort of pulley strap thing in the back. Oh my God. Where did they? Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh no. This is going to be a perfect fit for half of my head You guys Stop, Kevin, stop Are you serious? I can't wait to choose which hemisphere of my head to put this on Oh my god It looks

almost new Wow, there's only some fucking shit on it it looks almost new wow there's only some fucking shit on it dude you guys happy holidays this is really special

don't oh no that's crazy I was asking I mean I was on the phone with my parents being like hey I know we don't always, you know, we haven't exchanged gifts in a little while.

It's kind of been a rough year. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, if you find a million to one shot, if you could find an Earwolf hat. Is this a to-do list also? There is an Earwolf to-do list. Which is just like a pad of paper.

It's a pad of paper and it says to-do list. And it is lined with boxes. It's very useful. You can only use it for a to-do list. Item one says find a new network. And it's checked off for me. Interesting. I feel like there's a stamp on the back of mine that says,

Unsold Merge Prototypes. And some socks. Did everyone get the same gifts, Kevin, or did other podcasts get better gifts? No? No. These are very personalized. Okay. So you handed this hat to Conan?

You gave Conan an old, dusty earwolf hat. That's cool. It fits you perfectly. Yeah, it fits you very well. Yeah. Yeah, that's repping pretty hard. I am pumped about the PopSockets phone grip and stand. I'm not going to lie to you.

My last one. I've been wanting one of these. Did you not have one? No, I don't. My last one fell off. I've been wanting one of these. Did you not have one? No, I don't. My last one fell off. I've been wanting one. This is good. You can watch TV.

My last PopSocket fell off. Ooh, I needed that. Ooh, I needed that. It's really like Christmas morning in here right now. You both are playing with your toys like little children. And unfortunately, Sean Diston is always our guest on episodes where the guest is not allowed to talk at all. Yeah, I basically just, which is good. I actually think it's good.

I think it's good. This is going to be tough in next year's Vulture Best Loves. I'm not a great. The joy was infectious. It's Sean and Hayes. And others laughed at. Episode of the year, the Christmas gift unboxing. And Brett found a keychain on the ground.

He said, don't forget this. Yeah, you can add that to your keychain. That'll be great. You'll always know where you work. Pop sockets. Anybody done that yet? That's pretty good. Yeah, that's good.

It's like hot pockets No shit Earwolf did that for me Wow this is gonna be The most branded photo For this show ever Oh yeah You can put the socks on

I'm blinged out You're blinged out I got so much Earwolf bling There's a reason The friggin colors The earwolf is Friggin gold baby Have you guys thought I got so much Earwolf bling. There's a reason the frigging color of the Earwolf is frigging gold, baby.

Have you guys thought about doing a black and yellow remix that's just about the podcast? Kevin, answer. We have now. Okay, good. Jordan is here. Hello. Hi. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Jordan is here. Hello. Hi. Happy holidays.

Happy holidays. Brett is here. I saw Jordan at the Christmas party. Did not see Brett. He was there. I was there. You were there? Yeah.

Brett was there. I don't know how to take- I've been talking to Brett for a while. Yeah. I was rapping with Brett, man. I am not a good guest on this show. What do you mean? The Wolf Holiday Party?

Well, I just feel like When I come on the show We're either talking to Kevin Or we're talking to Jordan It's only in these episodes You're the girl We never bring them in otherwise I think it's just

When I'm coming in We get other people in We get Brett in with the guitar Lots of bells and whistles We were being so funny before the show We were Did you get any of that Jordan? Yeah Let's edit any of that, Jordan? Yeah.

Let's edit some of that into now. You might want to stick that in. You might want to stick that in. Okay, so beep, there's a little break, and then we'll get some of us rapping. We'll get some of that chopping it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we only have to do probably like five more minutes. I think so.

At this point. Yeah. That's not a bad idea. But Hayes is the one who wanted to talk to Brett and he said before we came in, he said, hey, if we can get Brett in there, I'm probably not going to talk to Sean at all. No, that's good though. I understand.

Like, you know, just pull the riff cord. Which holiday party did you not see me at? Oh, I did see you at one at Scott's. I was worried you forgot about that. Nope, I saw you at that one, but I was talking about the Earwolf holiday party. If you notice, I'm wearing a hat that says Earwolf. Kind of on topic right now.

Sean, we brought you here for a big reason. You are sort of known as Mr. Merryman. And you have something called Holiday Spirit. I got holiday cheer. Everyone knows me as

the Christmas guy. I'm known all over town as the Christmas guy. You're the anti-Gringe. I'm the anti-Gringe. When the Grinch sees you coming he goes, uh-oh. Let's cheese it, fellas. Yeah, that's exactly what I am. I'm not known as someone who thinks that Christmas

is a pagan holiday. And yeah, so that's exactly what I am I'm not known as someone who thinks that Christmas is a pagan holiday And Yeah, so that's not me Yeah, well, and that's good That's perfect for this, because basically We need more money You guys need more money We gotta cash in, we need some stinky cheese

And what you're gonna do When you need the money Is make the Christmas album That's a great idea. Do you guys know about Mariah Carey's Christmas show in Vegas right now? That's a cash out. I do, but tell Hayes. She's doing a Christmas show in Vegas where she's lip syncing all of her songs and making a ton of money.

Oh, wow. That'll be us in a few years after we release this official Hollywood Hemp of Christmas album, which we'll record now, spontaneously. And then every year after this, we can just lip sync the songs on the podcast. And really, in that case, don't have to come in. We can just be like, okay, here we go. We're about to lip sync the songs.

We don't have to do it. No one sees you lip sync. I'll call the studio and put my phone on mute and lip sync. That'll be cute. Yeah. It is true. Christmas is a pagan holiday, so I know you don't say that. I said I didn't get it right.

It is like the tree is actually ritualistic. They used to gore the villagers. Yeah, and the ornaments are actually heads. That was actually the heads. That's actually the heads and the lights. The lights are the villagers. And the ornaments are actually heads of like That was actually the heads. That's actually the heads and the lights. The lights are the blood. Oh, yes, the lights are the blood. The tinsel's like the fucking cum.

Yeah. It's crazy. It's kind of crazy. The star is like dude's dick. Is that where we should start? Should we start with like, like reality Christmas? Like really sort of breaking the bubble of what everyone thinks. No, I don't think we need to do that this time.

You think that's bad? When we go hard on pagan shit, I'm happier than a pagan shit. Okay. I think people can just know that we could at any time blow this thing wild. And so just like, if, if everyone is well behaved. I think people can just know that we could at any time blow this thing wild. Yeah, just. And so just like if everyone is well behaved. Shred lightly, bitch. They can have Christmas.

But if not, I will shut this shit down. You like Christmas, bitch? Yeah. Then be on your best behavior and just start singing the songs that we're going to make for you. And we do have to make this money today. And so we have to make this money today. And so we have to do new Christmas songs. Don't do that.

Don't do the little intro. Oh, we got a link coming. Come on, it's too early. I thought it was just a nice exclamation point. Before the show, Sean whispered in my ear what the premise of the show was and Brett burst in with a guitar. And he was like, can I be on the show? Please can I play

the guitar? I have moles in the studio. They let me know what's going on. Sentence could just end after moles. One time Brett was wearing these low rise jeans and I noticed he has a lot of moles on his hips.

His moles don't lie. Yeah, he had like a mid-rip. He sings hips don't lie, but in his case it means that his jeans don't lie flat on his hips because the moles are sort of pushing them out. Are they growing? Have you noticed any growth

on them? I don't think there's any room for them to grow. I think they're at capacity. Well, I wouldn't say that. This is the type of shit we get into when I'm on the show. Dude, just Brett's moles, hip moles. Well, look, let's get into some music.

Let's get into some songs. Nothing's more important than health. That's true. First, let's plan it. Measure twice, cut once. How many songs do you think we need for Christmas album? That's a great question. We usually get to 27 songs. This is more than I was thinking.

Okay, let's do it. Brett's got a hard out. We can also take the poster for 27 dresses and cross it out. 27 songs. We have a poster. It's not bad. We still say Katherine Heigl's in it. Oh songs. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's not bad. We still say

Katherine Heigl's in it. Oh, yeah, sure. Hi. So I have one idea. Okay. And I just throw it out there and maybe it gives you guys an idea.

Hollywood is Hollywood Handbook. Mm-hmm. Sometimes people call it Tinseltown. Oh. Mm-hmm. Christmas.

A lot of people call it Tinseltime. Yeah. Let's see where you go. Is it Tinseltime. Yeah. Is it tinsel time in Tinseltown? And Holly's Christmas too.

And Holly's Christmas we could do there. That's too. Should that be its own song or are we going to... We have to do 27. So tinsel time in Tinseltown and Holly time in Hollywood could maybe both be tracked. I think that's good.

Matt! We have to do... Matt Apodaca. Where is he? Sneaks into the control room. Matt Pterodactyl. There he is. We have to do 27 songs.

So either get the fuck out or... Or contribute. Or actually help. Or start fucking riffing. Do you need help for real? Bring some fucking Weezer lyrics in here. Actually, no. Do we do a Weezer one?

We should do a Weezer one for sure. We should do Say It Ain't Snow. Okay, so that's three ideas. Say It Ain't Snow. I like that. Say It Ain't Snow. Say It Ain't Snow. So Jordan's going to be singing Say It Ain't Snow.

By Eben Weezer Scrooge. That's pretty good. Okay, so somebody take these down. We have Tinseltown. Tinseltown and Tinseltown. We have Hollytime and Hollywood. Hollytime and Hollywood. We have Say It Ain't Snow.

So that's three. That's three. Let's bang those out. Let's bang those out right now. Let's lay those down. So start. Which one's this, Brett? Let's bang those out right now. Let's lay those down. So start. Yeah. Which one's this, Brett?

Let's see. The decorate and the frigging tree. Oh man. It starts with a T. It's fucking tinsel, bitch. And it's sparkly as all get out Here in Tinseltown We're putting up the lights

And we're lighting the candles I got more gifts than my butt can handle Bitch, get off my Christmas lawn I'll kick your ass if my name is Sean. Tinseltown in Tinseltown. Get the title in there. Fitting in stuff about movies and celebrities. Tinseltown.

Clint Eastwood directed Richard Jewell. That's Tinseltown. The best movie I've seen in 20 years Tinsel Time in Tinsel Town Gonna be December 26th when I take it down No way I'm not gonna do it earlier Cause that's not why I put the tinsel up I put it up to celebrate Christmas, which happens on the 25th.

And Clint Eastwood, it's a great movie that he made about the Atlanta Olympic bombing. And a falsely accused white hero. Tinseltown. Tinseltown. That was pretty good. That was good. It was too long. A little too long.

Too long because we have to do 27. 27, 27, 26. 27. And I apologize. I shouldn't do a second verse. One verse each. I loved it. I thought we had to do 27. It's not sustainable. It's not sustainable. And I apologize. I shouldn't have done a second verse. One verse each. I loved it. I thought we had to get in something about

You were right. We did. You were right. We did. I shouldn't have done a second verse. One verse each. That's the rule from now on. Everybody gets one verse.

Just in the premise, make sure you get something in on the premise in the first round because you only get one round. So that's good. So we can do all the time in Hollywood. It can be the same, but really short.

Okay, really short. The same? Okay, Same. Okay. Good. Yeah. It's holiday time in Hollywood. Richard Jewell was really good. It's holiday time. Okay.

That's it. Okay. That's actually better. Save it Okay, that's it. Okay, that's actually better. Save it. Okay, good. It's like ringtones. Okay, so Say It Ain't Snow. Say It Ain't Snow. This is Jordan's.

Here we go, Jordan. Oh my gosh. All right. Okay. Somebody's Christmas is in my icebox. Wait a minute, is that just frost? No, I think it's snow. All right, that's it.

That's good. Uh-huh. Oh, wait, but let's do the bridge. We got it. Let's do the bridge. Let's do the bridge. But let's do the bridge Let's do the bridge But let's do the bridge Dear Santa Dear Santa I'll write you

In spite of years of silence You haven't brought my toys So I treat you with violence I'll beat up Your beard off You are a fucking jerk off. I think you suck, Santa. I hope you read this in a whole lot.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, it looks like we had to. You guys do that part. It looks like we had to do that part. Let us have it. I didn't see you doing it. That wasn't it. You were late.

That's kind of it. All right, that's pretty good. That's kind of it. I got there. Can we sing the title of the song? Say it ain't snow. Can I sing a song about Christmas snacks? Of course.

Do you know the Home Alone? That's Game of Thrones. No! Yeah, that's Game of Thrones. He's got fucking roasted. It's Game of Thrones. The Home Alone theme. Home Alone theme. Isn't it John Williams?

Yeah. You don't even know... How many... You know no John Williams? No. Okay. Something like that? Yeah, start over.

Christmas Cheerios, Christmas Cheerios I can't wait to eat my snack Christmas Cheerios, Christmas Cheerios I can't wait to eat my snack Christmas Cheerios, Christmas Cheerios Give me them in a plastic bag Christmas Cheerios, Christmas Cheerios I'm so glad my Cheerios are back Look at me eat them, look at me eat them One at a time

Great. That's good. That one's called Christmas Snack. Can I do one about baby Yoda in the manger? You guys are asking me permission now to do it. You can just do whatever you want. Can I? Brett, can I? Yeah.

Okay, do it. Let's do it. Okay. It's in a manger, so it's slower. Slow. The key of man. Okay. Oh, God.

Yeah. Jesus, y'all. But what if Jesus was Yoda? What if Jesus was Yoda? When he walked on water, he was using the force. When he made water, I mean, wired out of water, he was also using the force. What if Jesus was Yoda? What if Jesus was Yoda?

What if Jesus was Yoda? What if Jesus was Yoda? Really think about that shit. It could happen. Put it in your brain. What if Baby Yoda died for our sins? What if he did? I don't hear much thinking about it over there. Tap your forehead.

Really ponder this question. You're much thinking about it over there. Tap your forehead. Really ponder this question. All right, this song's too long. It's way too long. Way too long. No one to stop, please. Okay, Brett, all right. I'd like to do an erotic song for Christmas. I think we have to have one really sexy one.

Yeah, we do, for sure. Yeah, so give me something that's sexy. I thought that was pretty sexy. This is a different kind of sexy. Okay. And maybe it's a little more playful. Yeah. Okay, playful's sexy. I thought that was pretty sexy. This is a different kind of sexy. And maybe it's a little more playful. Okay, playful and sexy. It's really hard to be put on the spot to come up with sexy.

I guess try writing the lyrics and singing them. There's nothing tougher than finding the right stocking stuffer. But I got an idea. Don't need no fluffer for this rock hard stocking stuffer. Then I jam in your ear. That's right. Ear sex on Christmas Day. I'm about to blast away.

I got a little misshapen wiener and I put it in your ear. Or maybe right behind. Hold my beer, I'm about to go off and rap about having sex with a part of the head that people usually don't think of as erotic, but for me it's something that's a little exotic. And hang on, here we go, I'm done. Great. That was pretty good. But I think, Brett, also

You turned on? A little too long, and I would say, Brett, when the song's when we do, like, a verse, just lead us slow us down and lead us in for the landing. You know what I'm talking about? Yes, thank you. End it quickly, Brett. You're my Sully if I finish the verse

I'm falsely accused also falsely accused like Richard Jewell also the mule falsely accused play another song Play another song. I walked downstairs and looked under the tree. Santa had granted a wish for me.

He had canceled freedom forever. Stitcher Premium was forced to raise their offer to my show, the only one that people would now listen to. And I was offered a raise at Earwolf for the first time in my life. I went to Colin Anderson and asked him to be my wife. We flew. Land the plane, Brett.

Thank you, Brett. Jesus. I can't. It's like you're telling me to land a plane. I know, but you made me go far enough to marry Colin Anderson. I want to marry him. That's a different song. That could have been a whole other song. That's in the album now.

We have to sing that every year. Okay, well, I guess Colin and Hayes' Christmas Wedding should be a song. Yeah, that's a good one. I feel like wedding should be a song. Yeah, that's a good one. I feel like that should be really upbeat. Yeah. The priest and the people are in the seats and everybody's ready to celebrate love. Hayes is here and Colin is here

and there goes flying a pretty white dove. Oh my, it's Hayes Hazen Collins Christmas wedding this is one I won't be forgetting alright Brent that was actually pretty good stuck the landing how many is that that's an 8

8 okay so we got 19 more Kevin raises shows me the back of his hands. Raises four fingers on each hand. Okay, I gotta go pretty soon. Okay. Is that one?

I gotta go pretty soon? It's Christmas? Yeah. Yeah. Hey there, kids. This is Uncle Brett. Yay! Shut up, shut up.

Uncle Brett's gotta get the fuck out of here, cause it's Christmas, baby. Uncle Brett's gotta go, it's Christmas. Uncle Brett's gotta go, it's Christmas. Uncle Brett's gotta go, it's Christmas. Uncle Brett's gotta go, you're a little bitch. Now I am Uncle Brett, and I got to leave, I'm playing guitar. And everybody knows when I leave leave I ain't going far. I'm an engineer.

Wait a minute and I have a house on a hill. Please end this song, Brett. What the fuck are you doing? Brett. Oh, Brett. I was done. I was very done. We're only one third of the way finished.

So we got nine? We got nine and we need to do 18. Should we just remix the other ones? Kevin, what's your favorite Christmas tradition to have? Opening presents? Okay. We kind of opened one. It was the gift of kids.

It's kind of old fashioned. No, we can try it. On the roof? Opening presents on the roof? On the roof? Opening presents on the roof? Kevin's walking up the stairs to the roof. All his presents are laid out on the roof. He opens one. It's milk.

Yes. He opens another. It's bread. Yes. He opens a third. It's a bicycle. Bicycle. All right.

Okay, good. Jordan, what's your favorite Christmas tradition? Playing games. Playing games. You've got a lively bunch in here. On the roof. Okay, all right. Jordan's on the roof for Christmas games.

No, they're not reindeer games. No, these games don't have any names. They're just called games. Don't be lame. Jordan's up there and she's playing tag, but she doesn't call it tag. She calls it shove. She shoves her buddy and he falls off the roof.

And there's a lot of blood she put the presents on the roof that's pretty so that was a time to continue because there was a whole narrative building connecting the two songs sort of made the other song how jordan built a trap for kevin to shove him off the roof and that's what she considers games Brent what's your

favorite Christmas tradition eating chestnuts eating chestnuts okay

okay okay all right all those chestnuts okay start playing it

cool cool cool okay yummy What are all these white people eating? What's a chestnut? I don't know what a chestnut is What is a chestnut?

Is it honestly a nut? Or is it What is a chestnut? Is it honestly a nut or is it, what is a chestnut? Well, a chestnut is a white people delicacy. We have it every Christmas time. We eat them raw with a knife and fork. And then we go to the hospital. Okay. Chestnut's so good. Okay, great.

So that's good. That's good. What's a chestnut? Mm-hmm. Okay, great. So that's good. That's good. What's a chestnut? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Let's see. Let's see. What else?

Is Matt still in here? What's your favorite Christmas tradition, Matt? I like to take a nice little Christmas nap. Okay. Christmas nap. It's the part of Christmas where I fall asleep and people can decorate me like a tree. I am mad. I don't listen to Weezer.

That was good. That was good. How many are we at? 11, 12? 13. Lucky 13. Kevin, you have to do one song. Just a quick break.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Chef Kevin, and I'm going to take you on a little ride. You ever go to the party, and you're a little hairier than you're supposed to be? What? Well, just keep in mind, you gotta trim that tree. Trim it up. Trim it up. Trim it up. The tree's your beard. Trim the tree.

Trim the tree. Trim the tree. Trim it up. Trim it up. Trim it up. The tree's your beard. Trim the tree. Trim the tree. Alright, that was really good. The tree was his beard okay eating better is easy with factors delicious ready to eat meals every fresh never frozen meal is chef crafted

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That was 14. Should we do like a PSA one about safe sleigh driving? Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Yes. Safe sleigh driving. Ho, ho, ho.

I'm out of here, guys. Great time at the bar. I'm feeling great. I'm going to get my ass out of here. Now, hold on a second, Santa. You had one too many eggnogs to fly that sleigh without one of these. Night vision goggles. Oh, great.

I just put them on. It hinders my peripheral vision a little bit, but I can see everything clear as day. That's okay, Santa. You only need to see straight in front of you when you're driving. The car doesn't go sideways. And honestly, the reindeer are driving. I'm just sort of hanging around. Alright.

Is that a song? Is that a song? I mean, it's a skit. It's a track. It's definitely a track on the album. That wasn't landing. That was crashing the blitz. Landing.

Could we do some skits, sort of like a rap album where they slow down and then we cut skits? Yeah, we have to do one skit. Let's do a skit. Yeah. All right, motherfucking elves. What the fuck is going on down here? Y'all making the motherfucking gifs or what? Get off my fucking back, asshash.

Wait, who just said that? Which one of you elves just said that? Sprinkles. Sprinkles? When keeping it real goes wrong. That'll work we could just do a couple of those yeah we could do later we'll do another one

that's good it didn't really go wrong yet but it did a little you got nervous you hate feeling nervous like that. Come on. Matt's going wrong for sure. That's pretty bad. Matt.

Matt Song. Song me, baby. Oh, no. Here we go. We can do another Weezer song. I know you were sad you didn't get to help out on Saturday. I was. I was chomping at the bit.

My name is Snowness. My name is Snowness is good. That's great. My name is Snowness. I can do My Name is Snowness. My name is Snowness is good. That's great. My name is Snowness. I can do My Name is Snowness. You can do that, Brett? I'm better at how it goes. Something like that.

Something like that. It's like... No, no, go ahead. My name is Snowness. You can't tell by how I am. Yes. Sure. Yeah.

No, that's landslide. Yeah, oh. I think it works. My name is Snowness. I'm carrying the toys Thanks for all your wishes All you little girls and boys Keep going

Yes Come sit next to a tree Pour yourself some cocoa Thanks Alright, Santa Claus is here too And so is Mrs. Claus, and there are lots of elves. Frosty the Snowman is your neighbor.

The trees are going as they planned. The Legos are under there too. I want a brand new bike. It's my favorite time of year. The something are going. The elves are going home. The elves are going home. The elves are going

home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never been more sure that someone has a full-blown boner right now. That was the greatest thing to ever happen to Matt Apodaca in his entire life. The show, you know, it's too late to put the toothpaste back in the tube on the Weezer show, but it must be bittersweet to see what could have been. It could have been this.

Better. What could have been It could have been this Better Later You could do a bunch of The Ugly Sweater song What else Oh How about just a mistletoe song Yeah Hey give me a beat I got it

Just a beat Give me a beat. I got it. Just a beat? Yeah, give me a tune. Mistletoe, more like Kistletoe. They call it Mistletoe. Why not Kistletoe? You're kissing so. We call it kissing so. It's called Kistletoee But they call it mistletoe

Kisseltoe For my kisselips You kiss their lips You don't kiss their toe It should be called Kisselips Change the name of the plant Kisseltoe

It should be bullet toe mistletoe should be bullet toe is it a missile hell no it's a bullet yes it is when I kiss you on your mouth wow that one could be three songs

I think if you separate it and then you and like your kisses being like bullets. You always have one kiss in the chamber. Such an interesting approach. Yeah. How many songs?

What's that, Kevin? 18. We're getting there. We're close. Two thirds of the way done. Should do a when keeping it real goes wrong I think we have to wait a little more I think it's only been 3 songs you had the ugly sweater idea

the ugly sweater song is an idea for Matt which we also need a little more separation for the third Weezer song alright is there another band we want to tackle if we're doing Weezer song. That's a Weezer song. Is there another band we want to tackle if we're doing Weezer songs? Yeah, maybe we could do... How about some 311?

There's 311. There's All-American Rejects. Do you know Swing Swing? Oh, by Sixpence and on the Richer? No. The Milky Twilight? By All-American Rejects. Oh, no.

Ring, ring goes the Christmas bells. Yes, that's good. Okay. We do acapella version. Yeah, here we go. Go. Pentatonix. I don't know the beginning of the song, but I can do the chorus.

This is all in it. Ring, ring goes the Christmas bells. My heart, I see doves in the air. I'm by a manger. I am losing my voice. It's super great. I really don't want to celebrate this holiday. But I guess I will

celebrate with my family. Ring ring. Everybody dance. Okay. That was nice. What's the sample? That was a good sample. That was good.

Let's see. Let's see what else up on Christmas. What about Christmas clean up, huh? Hmm Let's see Let's see what else About Christmas What about How about Christmas Cleanup huh Yeah Okay

We gotta talk about it Christmas cleanup Well it ain't the fun part You gotta Get the tree You gotta Take it apart You gotta

Put the shit back And take it to the street You gotta Call the fucking guy and have him bring the big thing. Christmas cleanup, man, you gotta throw the wrapping paper out. Man, you gotta recycle the wrapping paper too. Man, you gotta do everything you don't want to do. It's the ugly side of Christmas, it's the cleanup. That's very good. That's very good.

That's pretty good. It's very like a frank portrayal of what it's like. That's what it really is like. Hell yeah. It's honest. It's kind of like rap. It's telling the story. Christmas dinner.

Yeah, we could do this. We got to do Christmas dinner. We got to talk about the food. We got to talk about the goose. We got to talk about the goose. The other stuff. The goose. The other stuff. The goose. Let's do it.

I see a goose upon my table. I see some jam on that side. I dip the goose in the jam. I take a big scoop with the goose. I ladle the jam into my mouth. That's good. That's pretty good. That's nice.

That was nice. Yeah. We could still do, there's more food, right? Yeah, we could do Christmas dinner part two. Okay, two dinner ones. And Christmas dessert as well. Yeah, yeah. We should do dinner rolls probably. Okay, two dinner ones. And Christmas dessert as well. Yeah, yeah. We should do dinner rolls probably.

It's a classic Christmas dinner rolls. So do it. Give me that dinner roll. I want that dinner roll. Give me that dinner roll. I'll eat 13. I'm a little fat boy and I love to eat bread i want to put those dinner rolls in my head i will eat the butter and the jam off the dinner rolls the dinner rolls jordan always backing me up

me up with a dinner roll The jam I like was good It's kind of thrown in there Now jam's in there So then if I'm doing Christmas dinner I think maybe I have an idea for what it could be For dessert Jam dessert

Jam dessert Oh man It's more than I deserve Jam dessert Jam dessert Oh man It's even better than the hors d'oeuvre I had which was jam

And the dinner which I had was ham with jam, and the dinner, which I had, was ham with jam. Oh, yeah, here comes the dessert. Oh, yeah, it's fucking jam, jam, jam. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Okay, now I think we can do the Ugly Sweater song. Here we go, appa slappa. Hi, what's going on with you?

It's Christmas. Hey, man. Do you guys love Christmas? I'm so stoned. Totally there. You guys don't even know. Hi, what's going on with you? It's Christmas. Hey, man. Do you guys love Christmas? So stone-tally there. You guys don't even know. But it's got all that fun. Have you heard that podcast about Christmas? It was going so well.

Look at all the presents and shit. Yeah, I know. I was just over there. I'm me. Me be Santa. That's me. Can't you see I'm a real fun guy? If you want to enjoy my sweater,

it's got stripes and zigzags. And some weird pattern, it's on my body. It's my Christmas sweater It's got That was incredible, man. Yeah, it fell apart at one point. It did, it did. When it worked, it worked. Yeah, it's sort of a metaphor.

Alright, so let's do When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong. Okay, we can do another one. Alright, everyone, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, so let's do When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong. Okay, we can do another one. When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong. Yeah, let's do it. Okay. All right, everyone. It's me, Mrs. Claus.

I'll get everyone ready. We're making cookies. Elves? Elves, are you ready to help me make cookies? Man, your cookies taste like crud. Whoa, whoa. Who said that? Which one of you elves said that?

It was Sprinkles. And that's When Keeping it real goes wrong. All right, that's good. Oh, gosh. He's like, he knows better than to say it. He does. But he says Sprinkles anyway. If I can Sprinkles, then he's got to explain.

How many left, Kevin? Two left. Two left. Okay, Brett, you can actually do a solo Brett song. Here we go. Oh, wait. You want actually do a solo Brad song. Here we go. Oh, wait. You want me to sing it? Yeah.

How about just a nice instrumental? Yeah, a nice instrumental. Yeah, that could be really nice. I lost my pick as soon as you asked me that. Instrumental break, yeah, instrumental break. The second to last song is an instrumental break instrumental break the second to last song is an instrumental break right at the edge

of finishing the album and we totally gassed out instrumental break do you ever need a break that's instrumental this is one of those breaks man that's good one thing we could do in honor of the Earwolf Christmas party

is really eat Josh's lunch. Everyone loved his rendition of Basket Case by Green Day. Maybe we do our own version of it that's even more iconic. Yes.

And actually, like, requires creativity and you have to make new lyrics and it's called Christmas Case. Okay. That's called Christmas Case. Okay.

That's American Idiot. Which one is that? No, it's Do You Have the Time? Yeah. Do you have a tree To put my gifts under I brought these gifts I don't know where to put them I am one of those

Mistletoe guys And ride it to the core No doubt about it I got these gifts upstairs Oh, God. Right into the core, no doubt about it. I got these gifts upstairs. And I am wrapping up. I am something. And I'm also Christmas cake.

There we are. We're back. Okay. Right now, I think Josh is still ahead. But we have one more verse to try. I really brought you guys down. No, no. It was all of us to try and pull this one out. So let's start from the beginning and let's do another verse.

One, two, three, four. Do you have a tree to put these gifts under? I brought these gifts, I don't know where to put them. I am one of those the Christmas Santa Claus I'm eating Christmas goose and I'm all about it

the gifts keep wrapping up and I am clapping up I think keep going keep going I'm not sure Your verse is actually what comes next Is it not?

We don't know Maybe we switch, I'll start this I'll start next time and we'll do a different order Let's try that No, you're starting the song over now Don't stop Do you have the time to drink some Christmas wine? It's got spices and orange peels inside it.

Yeah. I am one of those, a Santa Claus bro, and I live in the North Pole. Sometimes I can't find the tree Yes, there we are, sorry To put my good gifts underneath I just keep

wrapping up I think I'm cracking up my Christmas cracker And I'm just a Christmas man See Richard June Hey, hey Hey, hey I'm just a Christmas man. See Richard Jewell. Merry Christmas. Yeah, and for the Vulture writers,

my name's Sean Diston. For next year, let me know. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.