Hollywood Handbook - Sona Movsesian, Our Author Friend

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

The Boys welcome back SONA MOVSESIAN to discuss her new book The World’s Worst Assistant.Watch the video recording of this episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. you know my thesis and trying to discredit me but kids are smart like kids are smart kids are smart and they know they can smell the bs and and finally i i just let them go you know i let them punch themselves out and when these windbags finally deflated themselves i said actually professor that's not what i said i do believe in evolution i just do not think that we evolved from monkeys in general but rather one specific monkey bone and if you watch monkey bone which i doubt they had he's talking the human traits he's nasty displayed well he's horny he's irascible yes hey he's irascible and in the way that humanity is frankly he behaves with as much disrespect as some of these professors were doing towards me they don't even realize they're embodying monkey bones personality when they're

fighting and thus having proven the thesis that's exactly right uh and the kids at to their credit were really smart and really got it. You know, aside from the one that, you know, whatever. I don't know who reached into the pocket of the student paper writer or whatever and slid him an extra 50 to write that hit piece. Yeah, but not all kids. Some kids are not very smart. They're good. They're look.

You know, neither here nor there i there are some really really some are really smart some are very very dumb yes some are like so fucking yeah some of the shit they say or asleep hi how are you guys what's going the like the book is just so crazy huh the touring the promo can you believe you asked all night reading the book yeah that's why you're falling asleep huh you're saying i'm reading my book. Yeah. That's why you're falling asleep, huh? You're saying I'm reading my book? I was up all night reading the book I wrote? Just. No.

You guys, I don't. You were just talking about monkeys for a long time. I don't know. About two minutes. Was it two minutes? Because it felt like 20 minutes. That's a burn.

That's what she said. She said that's a burn or it felt like 20 minutes. She said all of it. The whole thing. Was it two minutes? Because it felt like 20 minutes. That's a burn.

Yeah. She did say that. Yeah, that's a... She did say that. I could hear her say that. I guess. I bet she said that. How are you guys doing? I mean, I miss you two. I don't know why.

Isn't it crazy? I mean, it's a borderline toxic relationship we're in. Yeah, it is. Not even borderline. It is toxic. But I can't stop coming back i can't stop feeding at the trough it is like a trough i don't know i isn't it it's all trash in here it's all apple cores and old rusty boots i've done this twice before and every and every

time i'm like i can't do that again it's just I can't and then when Kevin emails me I get excited why I don't get it I don't understand it at all I don't know why I am excited to talk because we get each other and we're the only ones that do Sona no I don't think

you're out of the rest of the world and you and like you're having to like go through the motions for them, having to sort of tone it down, because they don't get it. They don't fucking get you. But us in here, we get it. You guys get me?

You get me or you get it? The three of us, we get it. The three of us all get it, and basically no one else does. And you know, I think think also why you have that experience you described we're creating something here and we put it out into the world and it's almost it's almost like childbirth and they say that although that experience can be unpleasant there's a there's an element of amnesia that allows you to do it again as soon as i popped

into the zoom i saw sona i was like she looks different she looks amazing like this person wrote a book oh i thought well first of all you compared it to childbirth i also had kids i had two of them at the same time and this is nothing like childbirth i uh i take great offense to you say this is like how fucking dare let's talk about the differences there's more typing I take great offense to you saying this. How fucking dare you, Sean? Well, let's talk about the differences. There's more typing. Go on.

Go on. There's a printer. There's no printer, really. Well, I guess you've become sort of a human printer. You're something of a 3D printer. You were trying to figure out what makes this childbirth. I wasn't. I thought of a printing and a printer. You were trying to figure out what makes this like childbirth. I wasn't. I was saying

that doing the podcast is like childbirth and that's why she gets excited each time. It's all creative work. Oh God, writing a book is also like podcasting, which is also like childbirth. I think I wrote a book and it was... yeah well i think uh i wrote a book and it is

it was yeah you had to write i wrote a book yeah i had there are so many fucking words in a book and you're you're the one who has to write them and so at a certain point i was like i'll just get some shit on paper and then hope it makes any kind of sense. And you know what? Sometimes it doesn't. I found that to be the case as well. Yeah, it's much harder than podcasting. When I was reading the book, I was like,

some of this, what is this fool talking about? I found myself putting the book down and saying, Sona, my dear, you've lost the thread. But damn if I didn't pick it back up. Oh, you did? You went back for more? Okay.

Yes. I had to. It was a workout. Yeah. Doing curls. Have you guys written books? Or is it just me yeah we actually did a whole episode about the

books that we're working on and stuff but did you write them are you working on them now you listen to the show no I don't I never listen to this show yes you do I don't even think I listen to the episodes I didn't even listen to those

and I love the sound of my voice. Not our most popular ones. Yeah, you keep coming back for more. Sona Valley, that's what we call it. That's the effect I have. You're welcome. You're welcome. Show the cover cover do we have the cover do we have it within arms yes one second are you asking me yes you oh shit i could get it i don't

have one kevin's gonna pull it up hey he's he's just i have it somewhere Rolling a doobie first. Look at his hands down there. Classic Kevin. As we wait, Sona, let's discuss writing. Check that out. At Earwolf. Well, I wanted the original cover, Kevin, not the one that you drew on.

Yeah, that's it. She's my book. four and a half stars pretty good family listen to me my family i i summon the family assemble and complete the final star everyone go on amazon and rate the book one half star to contribute that final piece they're missing a half star you can provide it you can make a difference yes this is what you should be spending your time on this This is very important. Make that four and a half. Can I be on it? Is it bad? I don't care. It's okay.

It could stay four and a half. It could go down to four. It's bad that you're pretending you don't care for our audience because the kids are really smart these days, especially the ones that listen to this show. They're very literate. They know books and they can smell when somebody's like acting cool uh to try to impress them when i say it's fucking killing me the half star is all i think about and that's why

i came on here and begged haze to assign the family army right of podcast listeners, many of whom will be sitting out this week, to get in there and complete the rating. Wait, so did you say your audience is literate?

Yes. A lot of them are. As a whole, they're missing words lot of them are as a as a whole they're missing like words among like if you take one of them there's going to be a lot of stuff that they're not going to be able to come up with on their own but like the entire audience like put together as a team as a family working together there is almost nothing that they are unable to read read or write when I think of the two of you

I think of literacy so I think that makes a lot of sense I bet you've had a lot of big authors on this show what's that we have what's that the joke here sorry I'm just trying to put this together

this is the experience of reading this is me putting down the book just for a second yeah this is me going like okay i get like what i wanted to do i just don't yeah i think we stuck the landing maybe we can workshop it a little bit uh no what i'm trying to say is if i was an actual reputable author who was like a novelist i don't know if i would be here okay i mean uh i guess if you go back a handful of weeks uh tommy orange like was a national book award finalist right uh and he was just on the show um juliet phillips the author of disappearing earth uh did when she was doing

like her sort of press tour for that talked about this being her favorite podcast uh she would do it we actually yeah you know like we thought as a gesture to you book it would be we didn't got it yeah booker actually can you book her with sona can we maybe bring sona that would be interesting back so no why don't you come back and you two can sort of talk shop about okay writing i mean your book is a little different it's funny isn't it about writing. I mean, your book is a little different. It's funny, isn't it? What is funny? I mean, your book's a little different. It's a little funny. My book is funny or it's funny. What's funny? It's just, it's a little different. It's different, huh? It's a little funny. It's built different, isn't it? Yeah. The book is different and it's funny. It's built different. It hits different, but it's built different. When it yeah the book is the book is different and it's funny different it hits

different but it's built different when it's sona it hits different yeah yeah it is it is it is it does hit different hollywood eating better is easy with factors delicious ready to eat meals every fresh never frozen meal is chef crafted dieted, dietitian-approved, ready-to-go in just two minutes. Speaking of ready-to-go in just two minutes, Chef Kevin is here with his new show, The Chef Kevin Factor, where he creates fresh, never-frozen meals. Now, this is different, Kevin. I just want to establish. It's none of this, like, here's a pile of ingredients. Like, this is the meal.

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Oh no, they were not from the movie. They didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette it was a french raspberry vinaigrette dressing oh they'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20 all you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest they have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and

that was i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys I wanted to talk about writing. There's a certain musicality and rhythm to comedy. Don't you agree? I hate the way you're asking this.

What an awful question. Do you think of yourself almost as a composer? Oh, wow. A saxophone player? Are you the worst person right now steel drum no honestly when i was when i was reading the book it felt like i was listening to a steel drum band if i had to compare my book writing to some sort of musicality a crab is like is like snapping its claws along yeah or even me singing a little it could be me trying to play an instrument or me singing because i'm i'm pretty tone deaf so i think that would really encapsulate

how i write let's talk about a tone deafdeaf book musicality um and we can sort of let's like we can sort of we can explode the song of the book in a way yes um and let me just start from a very quick lean into my tenure of being condensed no don't read it that makes me uncomfortable eventually this committed kikon who I had admired my interior life became nuisance

what are you talking about what was that because you know for me I really I really wanted to like that part yeah john read that to me and i was like i said am i the crazy one what am i missing something about yes yeah do you see how the rhythm is like question i don't know yes here's the question okay like do you see how the rhythm is like not conducive to like this is what we've been talking about the kids are smart right they

know when they're being like yes like we get it and they get it it's sort of like uh like in parts the rhythm is sort of like it's like bsing you you know what i mean yeah yeah um wait is there a question uh yeah why did you do that yeah how come uh because i've never written anything before so it's an amateur that was my guess didn't i say that it's an amateur writing i have to didn't i say that yeah i write like i talk which i I have to. Didn't I say that? Yeah. I write like I talk, which I don't think is necessarily the way people are supposed to write.

And I don't... It's so natural. ...be very eloquently. It's how people talk. You know what I mean? It's none of this bullshit. Yeah, it's not like... You know, I'm not a wordsmith.

You know, I just like... I talk and then it i put that on on the papers we've always said that that was the goal for this podcast it's like we want a podcast how people actually talk oh then you're you're failing you're failing this is not normal the way you guys speak to each other this is not normal this is not normal. The way you guys speak to each other and to your guests is not normal. This is not normal. This is completely deranged. We cannot normalize this. This is deranged.

Don't normalize this. Are you doing the clapping hands emoji thing in between each word? What are you doing, Hayes? No, I think you nailed it. I think that's exactly what he was doing. Yeah, okay. All right. That was a visual thing. This is what he was doing. Yeah, okay. All right. That was a visual thing.

This is not normalized doing this. Book has cartoons, yes? Yeah. What? The book has cartoons? Yeah, that's what you said. Yeah, my husband, he's a graphic artist. He did all the cartoons.

And he cartoons. Very graphic artist. Some of this shit, I had to put the book down and masturbate did you jerk it to the illustrations of conan i feel like you two would that's why i'm asking oh did you find the sexual because i know you guys love him very much i think you two love him so much that you would look at images of him as a cartoon in a pornographic fashion when he comes on the show that's when i bust not before when and likely not after when when he comes on the show yeah when when he comes on the show

that's when i come on the show. You guys should hold your breath. Definitely hold your breath for that guest. Come on. I'm getting blue breath over here. You brought it up. I'm the one in the corner turning blue downstairs. I can't.

I gotta go. I gotta go. Excuse me me you brought this up i i was asking a sincere question of whether or not you two jerk it to illustrations of conan and then you made it disgusting crass yeah you love him that's why you know he's like a hero to people like you. People like me. What does that mean? What am I like? People like you. You know what you're like. I'd love to know what I'm like.

You know, like to people like you guys who are like, yeah, yeah. Be like comedy. Fuck yeah, Conan O'Brien. I've never said that I like comedy. I don't like sellouts. I don't like people who get the big TV show and are like, oh, yeah, I'm so excited to do the big show. Right. With commercials.

Oh, this is all being funded by Lockheed. I mean, honestly, it's commercials for missiles every 10 minutes it's unbelievable and that's how you line your pockets if we do commercials it's for no sir it's for raw honey we do commercials for unwashed vegetables we do commercials for unwashed vegetables. We do commercials for German razor blade factories. Okay. You guys are above it. Yeah. We actually provide services to our listeners.

Yeah. Yeah. We're not part of the military industrial complex. The show. Unbelievable. Sona. Yeah. The helpers Unbelievable. Sona. The helpers. Look for the helpers. You know what I mean?

Mr. Rogers. Always look for the helpers. That's us. I love Mr. Rogers. I bet you do. I do. I watch him. You would. Oh, okay. You know what?

That's what you said to me because you love him you know what you two need mr rogers in your lives i think that it would really help you become human beings i can wander i don't need a tv camera in my house to wander around the room and that's his tv house that's why he changes his train or whatever puts on his cardigan because he goes from his real life to his tv house if you watched it you would know that and you know i can do that for free fucking god complex because he's the king of some little village in his backyard. I guess there was a king, but he's in control of the king, too. It's in our imaginations.

Puppet master. Sona, this book is in the humor section, correct? Strangely enough, it's actually, I think, considered advice and how-to. I'm making people's lives better. You know, was it a New York Times bestseller? Yeah, it was. In what category? In advice and how-to category, yeah.

Oh, okay. So I guess, you know, I am adding some legitimacy to your podcast in some way. So it's what, like you and Jordan Peterson? He's not in advice and how-to. I think he was on the bigger list. Yeah, he's on the table. The big table in front. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

That was the book I was behind. That's a good book to be behind. Very tiny. Do you feel like you were missing a swear word with an asterisk on your book no the world's fuck i did the world's fuck assistant the road that's good with but with an asterisk oops yeah yeah yeah okay i could change it the world's fuck assistant. A shit stint. The world's fuck a shit stint.

The world's fuck a shit stint. That's good. You guys are really good. Bitch. Is our time up? Oh, no. Okay. Stop.

More. It's close. The humor side, I mean, like, I would stay. If they try to put it in there or something i would stay out of there the kind of shit that jason fox from foxtrot is like getting up to over there he he's really trouble he's creating like little little bots little like little jason box bots to attack Paige. No, no, no, no, no.

And your book gets caught in the crossfire of that? So I should stay out of humor. And I should stay in the advice and how-to section. Just don't go in humor. I think some of the cavemen from BC are not going to treat that book too kindly. They're used to reading off of tablets that are chiseled into. If they see a book like that,

they'd probably be pretty scared and throw it in the ocean. I wouldn't want to be next to the BC, guys. Stabbing it, for sure. I'll go email our publishers and tell them to keep it out of the humor section. I don't even want to say what Bill the Cat said.

Yeah, because you two said so. He's acting. He's acting all over your book. Dude, Opus. Dude. I think it's best that you stay where you are and advice and have to. That's probably safer.

Dude, Opus. Opus, dude. You guys go to a lot of bookstores i could tell you guys are big big bookstore people oh yeah i'm sitting cross-legged again so now it's like the idea is like i i love that you're trying something so i don't want to be too negative about it yeah i like that you are like excited and like want to do something uh you know sort of insulting the podcast but the idea that we're less likely to be in a bookstore than other podcast hosts makes me feel like you're just not paying attention you know i mean you're telling on yourself a little bit well i think i will i

have a rebuttal to that sean i think because i'm paying attention i think you guys don't go into bookstores very often that's all neither do i it's okay you know it's okay to to be like this you tell a story where it's okay to be like you you said so you reveal each other and that's beautiful you reveal in your book that once at work you were speaking armenian on the phone with your grandmother and conan asked you if you were arguing with Dracula. Yes. Oh, is that funny? You just wanted to... Is that... Was that designed to take Conan down

after all this time? For racial intensitivity? Is that the goal? We can do that. Do you want to take Conan down? I'm fine with that. We can do that right now.

Let's take him down. I think that it was really offensive the way he thought that my native tongue sounded like I was arguing with Dracula. One of the worst killers of all the history of the world. Yeah. One of the meanest bosses. They made horrible bosses and I couldn't believe dracula wasn't in it because if you really think about like who was

like a bad boss it's like you would not want to work for dracula no i don't want to work for dracula and you know what i wouldn't want to work for conan o'brien either because he is clearly a dracula sympathizer and he yeah i guess he did say you were arguing with dracula which is like i guess that's that puts you sort of on the right side of things i think it does too i what is this that's a book so you might notice i had it just within arm's reach that he actually just had a book like and it was just sitting right there it's actually like a signed first edition of a book. Oh, wow.

Oh, I guess it's like... I guess they see me at the books so much that they're like, oh, wow, this guy really likes books. They see you at the books so much. Yes. I guess the people who even make the books are like, hey, this one is special for you.

So, okay, congrats. That's really cool sean i mean when i talk to you i think i don't think it's cool i think i read i don't think it's cool i think it's normal yeah when i talk to you i think this guy reads a lot because yeah you're you say a lot of things that make a lot of sense so i think oh my god what a reader motherfucker i'm trying to help you with the book the whole idea was like the book is wasting away in the like advice and how to ghetto of the bookstore it's moldering over there the ghetto i know but you guys said not to go in humor so i'm not gonna go into let me just say that you're not you're not gonna survive in humor okay no so where should my book go sean that's what we're trying to figure out by beetle bailey but it's not easy

you know and you end up with on the wrong end of a dagwood sub oh my god in between all the lettuce and tomatoes you just see your your fucking book getting chomped into it's not good the advice and how-to section the people that need those books don't know how to get there. They can't find it. Their shit's too fucked up. They can't. They need a how-to section to figure out how to get to the how-to section.

You said it, sis. I wouldn't mind if yours got put in, like, I know if there's like a sort of like maps section yeah in like travel or just maps i maps and atlases you know i don't know i don't go to bookstores very much i don't know what they have but if there is like a there's like a maps area or something maybe you know sticking them stick a map in the front of the book okay squeeze your way in there now you're now you're a great seller in there and the and the directions can be to the how-to and advice section now you double dip oh and then my book will be there too yeah okay all right that's a really good and and and what's the issue there? Well, we'd have to print more books, wouldn't we? And is that a good thing?

Well, it is for you, the book lady. I'm a book lady. Mm-hmm. All right, cool. That's very cool. Oh, you have really cool ideas. Thanks, this feels so good. Why didn't we start here?

You're so clever with your really good ideas it's so much easier there's cursing in here yeah you do swears i do i'm a i'm a cursor are you guys not do you not curse am i the only one who who has a potty mouth hey you are a cursor you're blinking on my screen right now i can't i'm able to oh my god use the i go in the store it's got another meaning i can't is it almost time oh no there's still time okay no no no no no yeah we'll find it we'll find another pocket um so so i guess maybe it should be in humor and freaking potty humor. Yeah, it should. It should.

Uncle John's bathroom reader. I do think that it was written to be a little more amusing than it was written to be more of a how to. But I don't know where the I don't know where people put the books in the bookstore. I haven't I haven't gotten I haven't gone to a bookstore yet to see where it is. Well, what is it telling us how to do? How to be bad at being an assistant.

How to stumble ass backwards into some sort of. Yeah, like the cartoons in there teach you like. Tailwind. How to nap at work. How to watch TV at work.

How to abuse your corporate card without embezzling how to uh leverage your pregnancy at work work around you like what must they be thinking they say i do everything right i just come to yeah punch in i like i just like do my damnedest every single day i've never thought about that. There must be some people who really, really hate you, who you work with every day. Absolutely. I don't even think it's people that I just work with.

I think it's a lot of people who are just like, oh, okay, cool. So you wrote a book, and then you got Conan O'Brien to write the foreword for it. So, wow, you're really going on an uphill battle to sell those books. And they're right. What were the four words that he wrote?

Don't buy this book. Four word. I'm not even going to get into it're you're a reader so i i'm sure you know well i showed you the book it was all blurry because your camera's fancy sean show it to me again i just didn't uh just i knew you'd have a lot of comments on the background so i decided to go blurry today and just. I know. But then when you held the book up, it was blurry.

So what do we do here? How do I know if that was even a book? It was a book. It was a signed book. And the reason they signed it is because they really like me at the books. they signed it is because they really like me at the books. So when I Google your book, Sona,

or specifically when I Google Sona Mocessian book, I get people also search for. And the third option is yours cruelly Elvira.

Stop. Elvira. Stop. Which is Elvira's memoir of her experience being Mistress of the Dark. So is there, they think that that's connected to my book? I guess because they also thought that you were arguing with Dracula or something. Okay, we're back to Dracula. So Elvira is basically like... Oh, we went back to the Dracula. Like a hot Dracula type...

I thought we were canceling Conan over the Dracula thing. Now you're digging it. You're leaning into it. That was an algorithm that's telling me that he was into it now it feels like you're leaning into it you're you're pulling up elvira books like i feel like you're almost on conan's side of this elvira books so maybe it's time for you i'm sorry i'm sorry let's work on accounting as well maybe it's time for you also to get a little canceled right now pulling up one single of i I agree if I were pulling up like a ton of Elvira books on this

show, then that would be a conversation. If he pulls up a half dozen Elvira books, then yeah, absolutely. We have to end the show. But he pulls up one. Everybody gets to pull up one Elvira book. I felt like I was in a safe place where somebody understood how saying that I was arguing

with Dracula would have been hurtful to me, but now I feel like you guys almost think that that was funny and that you sympathize with Conan, which is hurtful to me. And I'd like you to apologize. Yeah, you would, because you guys love him so much.

So I think that you love that he compared me to Dracula. And I think that you should apologize. I think he probably had a good reason. Does this book even have a back cover? My book? Yeah, it has a back cover. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, you guys don't even have it. You don't even have the book. How do you know? Did you do an audio book? I did. Did you sound like this or did you figure something out i sound exactly like this and i'm gonna send you a copy of it i'm gonna let you listen to this i want you to go to sleep listening to this i want you to think about me all the time i'm always looking to build up that library yeah if you've got a credit or a code or something that could be cool yeah

hazy kevin and i all share a single audible account so you two shares we could share a lot of listening you guys share a lot of things i feel like you guys are sure a lot what's a lot like you know netflix passwords hbo max passwords that's illegal like if you share your you know you guys so now we know what happened do you guys max is having these issues do you talk on the phone and catch up with each other every night i just want to know how deep this friendship is it's kind of yeah i don't we do talk on the phone but one at a time yeah yeah i think you sit next to each other and yeah in order to facetime we have to like screen cap it and then hand it to the other person and then back and forth so it's really uh it's not the main way that we communicate it's very time consuming for us to talk on our phone yeah kevin did you get a haircut

i did it's too much i got nervous when i put my glasses on i should i gotta start wearing my contacts when i get my Okay, this man got a little nervous. It's giving Mackle more. I should have said Mackle less. Yeah. I think you look great, Kevin. But this is the kind of good assistant. I mean, I know your whole thing is being bad at your job, but this is like getting a haircut before every show.

Doesn't always work out, but this is the kind of thing that like. Just showing that like, hey, yes, I understand. I'm going to work like so. Is Kevin your assistant? I don't. He's not your assistant, though, isn't he? Your producer.

So I feel like. Why are you saying he needs to do these things? He produces assistance for us. Like, I are you saying he needs to do these things? He produces assistance for us. Like, I don't know what you think his role is. He's certainly not allowed to write a book. You're not going to let Kevin write a book if you wanted to write a book? You wouldn't let him?

No, you know how often I accuse his relatives of being Dracula that thing sees the light of day a finish no Kevin can't write a book I mean Kevin did a podcast a little while ago of his own and he basically pulled back two bloody stumps from that experience.

Yeah. All right. Well, Kevin, if you want to write a book taking these two down, I will happily help you. Will you do the foreword for me? I will. I will happily do. I'll write four words for you, and I will happily do i'll write four words for you and i will happily

do that for you and i will forward what are they yeah what are they uh uh how about how about how about sean and hayes suck i how's that hayes and sean suck wow with. With capital S-U-C-K. I know. I don't know who should go first. I feel like maybe alphabetically. Hayes and Sean suck. And that's it. That's the whole foreword for you, Kevin.

You're welcome. Dang. And that's going to sell. Can your husband do cartoons for me? Draw pictures of him? Yeah. You have to pay him, though. I don't have to designer

we're married yeah you can draw dicks oh my gosh why do you guys always go back to dicks why do you guys why is it always dicks with you guys why does it always go back to me it's always that it's always dicks and dracula with you two i don't understand it it's like uh like i come here thinking i'm gonna have a mature conversation and then you guys are like dick dick dracula monkeys like what the fuck just calm down that's all just be grown-ups thank you kevin I'll help you write your book. Thank you. Monkey bone. Monkey bone. Do other people at work listen to the podcast?

Do they come up and be like, you were funny on the podcast? A lot of people at work listen to the podcast. You know why? Because we don't have a show anymore. So people listen to the podcast to kind of see what everyone's up to. Because we talk about ourselves a lot. They must get so pissed. I don't have any employees. To kind of, you know, see what everyone's up to, you know? Because we talk about ourselves a lot.

They must get so pissed. I don't have any employees. I'm getting so pissed if I'm listening to that show. Why? Why are you getting pissed? Do I have watched just, like, knock over, like, everything on her desk all day long? Just stomp around the office like godzilla knock you guys you guys think my co-workers resent me because i wrote a book and i'm on the podcast are you trying to like stir some kind of beef with me and my former co-workers no you've done that yourself

we're making you aware of it doing right now what is this you're like just imagine for a moment that i would want one of your co-workers without a book and uh and on-air personality uh i guess is the word personality i don't know it's the word we use yeah uh opportunity on-air opportunity uh would maybe be more accurate and you're working you're going like i'm doing basically like my job is almost the same job and i'm doing better at it yeah and then this person's just like eating everything that is available like i feel like you're really bad and she knows she's bad at the job and she wrote a book about that she's bragging about it i feel like you're really bad and she knows she's bad at the job and she wrote a book about that she's bragging about it i feel like you two are first of all you're really

demeaning the people that i work with because you're making them all seem like they're a bunch of schlubs sitting around they're like picking their butts they're not doing anything no no no the whole idea i work with a lot of very talented people the entire premise is that they're not doing anything no no no the whole idea i work with a lot of very talented people the entire premise is that they're talented yes the whole idea is that they are more deserving of your your success large you are i first of all i agree with you but i also think a lot of them are very successful i agree with me a lot of them did a lot of really incredible things and i i really admire my co-workers i don't know about you guys but like i really love the people that i work with and i really love how much they've accomplished and i think they're all very successful and i think that uh yeah i don't i don't know i don't think

they're at all angry at me because they're like okay cool so i did that so i assume i guess this i assume okay there's a dedication page here so i uh naturally given what you just said yeah book is dedicated to them oh no it looks like it was dedicated to two little babies oh perfect my children yeah it was dedicated to my children who can't even fucking read yeah great though very useful dedicating a book to them yeah you know what yeah they're gonna be older one day

and they're gonna be able to read it then hopefully I mean at this rate I don't think they will but they will eventually for fuel are you kidding me once peak oil And hopefully, I mean, at this rate, I don't think they will. But they will eventually. For fuel. Are you kidding me? Once peak oil hits? The book will become fuel.

It'll be how to and advice. Just as the pages curl into ash. Yeah. The advice and how to it'll provide is like how to power your bone crusher to the water well. Oh, my God. Are the holiday party invites, are those going to be emailed again this year? Yeah. We're getting a little jump on it.

It's August. Yeah. So let's just get the... Do you need our address? I mean mean it's it's it's the same as last year but yeah we have it we have it we have it we have all your info we'll be yesterday was my birthday as well uh am i i i just did should i be checking my spam folder i did get a message card yes did you get uh can i ask speaking of like comedy luminaries like we can all agree weird al is yeah is like a guy who we all really really admire and and look up to uh did you get an email from him yesterday sean i did in fact get an email from oh wow what what

did that say uh it was a little video of like a birthday song that he had made specifically for me um mentioned my name multiple times kind of a elaborate production actually at the balloons with the number number of years i've been alive and um yeah it was sweet it was nice he didn't have to do it but he he did and um you know i watched that a few times and then the conan uh message i'm just looking did you get it well there's a hmm i got a i've got a email from Peacock is that him? that's him, that's the Conan one that's from him? yeah

they have him doing the Peacock emails now? after everything that he went through over there and he sent it to Sean at Sean at Sean at Sean.com so at Sean at Sean Sean at Sean Sean at Sean.com that was your email right? we sent it to Sean at sean at sean.com that was your email right i mean we we sent it to sean at

sean at sean.com i registered for that email i wasn't aware that it went through it did it worked and so we sent it to that one yesterday so you should have received it and if you didn't get it then that's on you honestly if it's not if you're not checking all your emails, whose fault is that? It's his birthday. He's going to check every email on his birthday? Come on. Yeah. Well, then you're coming at me being like, where's Conan's email?

Check Sean at Sean. Sona, do you take your birthday off work? You do? Oh, I thought you said, do I take it seriously? And I do. I celebrate all month. But do you go to work on your birthday? If I have a choice not to, I won't.

What? Wow, no. Are you guys not big birthday people? It snapped into focus. It's like the way I've been picturing your sort of arrangement. And then suddenly it's like, if I have a choice not to. If I cannot go to work on my birthday,

shouldn't I just not? Does everybody go to work on their birthday? No, I know, but I didn't realize just the level of control that this man has that like a man you don't even have a choice whether or not to go. That's true.

I mean, Conan is an absolute tyrant to work for. And I think that, you know, I said a lot of nice things about him in my book, but that's because like I still work for him. But the moment I stopped working for him,

I'm going to take him down the moment I stop working for him, I'm going to take him down. And I think you two can help me. How much is the book? $25? $25. How much is it going to be in two months? It's $23.

$23. Okay. Goodbye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.