Hollywood Handbook - Sona Movsesian, Our Conan Friend

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

The Boys have SONA MOVSESIAN on the show to learn how to trick Conan. This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon (www.mackweldon.com code: THEBOYS), Tool, and Harry's (www.harrys.com/HANDBOOK). To buy a new Hollywood Handbook CamelBak water bottle, go to podswag.com/theboys. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast um so we're lying down me and uh mike uh tyson yes we have both been knocked out simultaneously double punch double. This was back when it was like King of the Ring boxing. Yes. Where you are

fighting a guy and then anyone can like slide into the ring. If you're in the audience and you think you could beat

either guy up you're fully within your rights to jump through the ropes and just start punching in the back of the head oh yeah the knockout spot so basically we're fighting and i can hear as we're fighting the whole crowd game planning right to jump in at once uh-huh i can just hear no one's really paying attention to the fight.

And this is what, I think this is part of why they stopped doing this format is that a lot of times you would be in the audience, you would go, well, I know I can't beat that guy up. But you look down your row

and you go, guys, if we don't go at the same time, I think we got a shot. And it's really not within the spirit of the King of the ring and who's in the audience but the freaking pikey say it ain't so

the pikey's there and I'm like okay great so obviously the pikey can't afford to go to the freaking boxing match at the freaking MGM Grand so the whole audience pitched in to fly the pikey out to my fight. And of course I did burn down his mom's trailer,

which was not what you were trying to do. What you were trying to do was smoke a little DMT, enter the fucking spirit world. And now you're being punished for just trying to get off, man. Sucks. And so, yeah, he does. Like the whole crowd comes in, but mostly it was just him. And he does a double punch.

And that is why we were both lying down. Oh, wow. Well, let me say this. I am happy that you recovered. I'm happy you're back. I'm happy Mike's doing so well. I'm happy you settled things out with the pikey. And I'm happy that you're experimenting with psychedelics.

That was the name of the guy, right? The pikey? Well, that wasn't his name. That was the type of- I know, but that's what they called him. Right, right. I don't remember any other name for him. Yeah, I remember I said,

here, box a little. Right? Yeah, you go, here, punch his shirt. Double punch. So, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. It's an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names.

And the red carpet line back always of this industry we call showbiz. This industry we call showbiz. So now we've said what the show is and you are here. What the name is, and so now you say who you are and what you are. And what's your deal. And a similar length. And if you could have it, you know, obviously we have sort of this rehearsed kind of pithy way that we introduce. And if you have that for yourself.

I don't. I'm sorry. I don't. Son of a. Let's figure one out. Yeah, let's get it. Let's boil it down. Hi, welcome to Sona.

That'll give us something to do. Welcome to Sona. Moffsessian. Moffsessian. And Iian and i don't know your name i do i do i forgot how to pronounce it for a second so thank you mof sessian uh i'm sona mof sessian and i uh work for conan o'brien welcome to sona right welcome to sona mof sessian yeah right yeah i'd sing with you but i'm Welcome to Sona. Mosesian. Yeah. Right? Yeah, I'd sing with you, but I'm tone deaf. Flo Rida?

Yeah. Flo Rida. I like Flo Rida. I don't care if everybody knows it. I actually was just listening to him the other day. We all, yeah. I went into my Spotify and I searched Flo Rida, and then I listened to him for like maybe 45 minutes.

We all pulled in the parking lot at the same time. Everybody had their windows down. We all had different Flo Rida tracks on. Yeah. Sounded bad. Oh, yeah. Well, they don't match. You're not supposed to play them like that.

No, it should be one at a time. Yeah. What's your jam? What's your Flo Rida jam? I'm all about Wild Ones featuring Sia. Probably Club Can't Even Handle Me. Yeah. What's your jam? What's your Flo Rida jam? I'm all about Wild Ones featuring Sia. Probably Club Can't Even Handle Me. Yeah. And that's mine too.

And Sean knows that. And he stole it from me. That's a good one. Or Welcome to My House. I could be Welcome to My House. Okay. We all know I know it pretty well. Sona.

Yeah. What's your deal? What is my deal? How in-depth do you want me to get? Really? You're on a podcast now. Longer the better. I am on a podcast.

And you're getting like a lot of like a famousness. I don't know about that. You really put the time in, huh? A lot of heat. A lot of heat. Am I beginning? I don't know.

I don't know what's going on. I don't pay attention because I feel like it's, uh, it would make me very self conscious. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Really? You don't know. I don't know what's going on. I don't pay attention because I feel like it's, uh, it would make me very self-conscious. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Really?

You don't? Somebody had to tell me. It sounds like you do a little. To what? I don't even know what you're talking about. I pay so little attention to it. I actually don't even know what it is. It sounds like you pay a lot of attention to.

To what? To me and the podcast I'm on. Let's just say it. To me and the podcast I'm on. I've never even. So I just get a little, just say it. To me and the podcast I'm on. I've never even... So I just get a little... Like, I get an email. Obsessed?

No. I just get a little... I don't get obsessed ever with anything. You're infatuated with Conan a little bit. No. I get a little email from Kevin explaining who I'm about to talk to. Okay.

Every week. And it's like... It's this little blurb. And it's usually overwritten. Like, he does these little clever. It's copied and pasted. It's plagiarized. What did you say?

It's fully plagiarized from other sources. I'm an assistant. There's really not much. The fonts are different. You can tell from all the copying and pasting going on. It's lazy. And he said, Sona is an overnight podcast sensation. Did you really say that?

Yeah. That's silly. She set the town on fire and the downloads are nothing to sneeze at. Oh. To me, seems like a downgrade

to be like, nothing to sneeze at. Nothing to sneeze at. But my favorite person on our podcast is Matt Gourley, hands down. He's my favorite person out of the three of us. I like him more than I like myself. And he did our show only as a guest. So I guess what does that say about who your really favorite is? He was on our show in a basically like a totally subordinate role.

And we were the ones who were being funny. Yeah. Oh, cool. I actually had to tell him to shut the fuck up at one point because he was so out of line. Yeah, I get it. Matt comes in with this attitude of like his you know what doesn't stink. And what I realized was unless you alpha dog Matt immediately and let

him know that like, hey, I'm actually the host and you're actually whatever you are, you're never going to get a word in edgewise with the guy. And that is the mistake you made on your show, which is you watch what's happened with Matt where at the beginning he

was like totally silent and not even maybe there. Didn't even know about him. Yes. And now what's happened? He's become the mic beast. He's a microphone beast and he gobbles up the mic and he eats all the air time. And frankly, he's threatening your survival in the industry as a podcast sensation. Well, I think he's a joy.

I don't know. I think he's. he's a joy. I don't know. I think he's... He's a Joy Behar. Remember when she took over? You know what I mean? Joy Behar. Think about that. Took over the fucking view, man.

Think about that. It became the Joy Behar show. Yeah. I don't know about that. Did she? Okay. So this is what's been going on for me lately. Okay.

You seem like there's a lot going on. There's a lot to unpack there. And actually there is. There's plenty going on. Yeah, so this is just one of the tiniest little things. One of the smaller. I hear the variety man pull up outside my house. The variety man?

The variety man, yes. Get you variety! He comes out to the milkman. The Variety Man pull up outside my house. The Variety Man? The Variety Man. Yes. Get you variety. He comes out with a milkman. Fresh variety. He's ringing his bell. He's an older man. X-Tree, X-Tree.

Conan O'Brien invents podcast format. Wait, did he? Did Conan invent podcast? That's what it said. That's what it said. That's what it said. To me. This huge magazine. Yeah.

One of the biggest, squarest ones. Yeah. Says that this guy comes up with the whole podcast. Oh my God. That's surprising. And he's on the cover standing up recording the show doesn't even know how to do a podcast no and he's in a box from what i remember well that is a

magazine so let me actually explain something to you yeah all right yeah do you want you got this he is not actually first of all it's it's a flat paper more than a box okay uh but he is not actually inside there you could fold it sorry i don't want you could fold up the edges and make it at least like a tray you could make it okay like a deep tv tray yes yeah uh but he's that is not him in there and there he's not in trouble and he's very safe and there's no need to try and get him out well he's also not on the reality show solitaire do you remember that no everyone lived in sort of their own cube and there would be challenges they would wheel into your cube possibly a bed of nails or there would be a little window where they would put different gross foods through and you would have to keep eating the foods that came in or lie in the bed of nails for as long

as you want you have no idea how long the other contestants have been on because you can't see them yeah i remember that it's a little like doing a podcast and that's a great segue because shauna actually did a podcast about reality shows seven years ago which was before conan even stood up to record that before the man's studio how is anyone doing podcasts before last december when conan invented them though so this is this is the thing this is what we're pissed about so there are there technically weren't any before Conan came into it. This is why we're pissed. Wait, I don't understand.

And this is why we're so pissed. Here's the thing I'm fascinated with. You're telling me that my boss, who has a hard time Googling things, invented an entire medium. Podcast. What happens when he tries to Google something? So he's just like, I don't know. Just bad search term. Complete sentences. podcast what happens when he tries to google something so he's just like i don't know he has just bad search term complete sentences i see kevin actually can't always google stuff when he

has access when you can see him typing yeah his search terms are not gonna get where you want to go yes so what were you guys doing before december when we started our podcast just talking into a microphone well now i'm wondering nowhere i'm wondering if i'm in some kind of matrix simulation December when we started our podcast just talking into a microphone and going nowhere I'm wondering if I'm in some kind of matrix simulation or something where I believed I was doing a podcast the entire time and then Conan fucking red pilled me

yeah he did he's an evil genius one thing you guys need to know about Conan is he's a brilliant evil genius and he's really good with technology and he invents mediums uh on the side after he's done hosting a tv show he'll just invent things all right well okay well actually I know a little bit about Conan from uh my Harvard days.

Now, I went to Harvard, obviously, in 19... I graduated in 1970. And those were the actual names of the years. It sounds like he is just muttering. But back then, they hadn't figured it out. It was a little mushier. The math system was not

as organized. Conan hadn't invented yet. It says on his diploma, yeah. But at the time that I went, I thought that I was doing Lampoon. And that all my cronies and I would get in the castle and just cook up

just the wildest, most amusing anecdotes. You were telling me about some of the japes. The japes were next level insomnia. The way we would go nuts and crack each other up. And the pranks, quite frankly, where you'd put a cold towel on someone's neck. Things like this that at the time were pretty innovative. Ten years later, Conan comes in, invents the lampoon. Yeah, he invented it.

Imagine how that made me feel. Red-pilled. Conan invented a lot of things. He invented the Harvard lampoon. He invented Harvard. of things. He invented the Harvard Lampoon. He invented Harvard. Thank you. He invented Harvard. Yeah, the school.

They were going to call it O'Brien University, but he didn't want to seem like a dick, so he called it Harvard. But he invented books that everybody learns about in Harvard. I'm sorry. He invented Cambridge, the town that Harvard is in. Where they put it. In this order? Yeah. First, the Harvard Lampoon, then Harvard, then books.

So what happens to him, it seems like a lot of times. Then a town. As he invents something, and then he goes, this doesn't make any sense. I have no context for this. He invents the Harvard Lampoon, and he goes like, wait, the what Lampoon? Oh, shit, I got to go back and invent harvard and then he discovered the united states of america intact when he first discovered it all 50 states were there and then it was fully intact it was fully intact conan did that um and then he invented television. And then Variety had a cover story about him inventing all of these things. And then podcasts.

Yeah. So. Conan just invents a lot of stuff. Do you think he would be willing to invent a successful version of this show? So this is what everyone's telling me. Conan is going to show up and everyone is gonna like hear about podcasts from conan doing this and the tide will just rise and rise and lift all the boats even the little dinghy you find yourself paddling away in right now so podcasts existed but then they

weren't nobody listened to them? Yes. And then Conan came along, and then people were like, I should listen to podcasts. He legitimized us. He legitimized you guys. I didn't know that. So we're excited for that to happen. We're excited for the Conan effect to reach us. Yeah. My question is, he must be getting bored

by this point. How do we keep him doing this? Engaged. Yes. I don't know. Yeah. I have absolutely no idea. How do you keep him engaged? Yeah, I mean, it's like

I can feel the clock running out on the show. It's taking on water. Just on the show or on the podcast? Or wait, what do you mean? On the podcast. On the podcast. On the show, which is the media.

He's already doing the Dana Carvey thing, which is already trying to mix it up. We're doing the same thing we've been doing. Yeah. And you guys should stick with it. For years. And why is that a laugh line for you? We're doing the same thing we've been doing. Yeah. You guys should stick with it. And why is that a laugh line for you? You said it.

You guys should stick with it. No, it's great. It's one of the biggest laughs. It's great. It's so great. You should stick with it. Were you remembering something funny? I was.

I remembered something right when I said that. What was it? Like a lot of details. What was it? I remembered a little poodle wearing a skirt, chasing a ball. And it made me laugh a little bit. Okay, that could have been a good Conan, like, late night, like, before. Right. The original Conan.

Poodle wearing a skirt. The original Conan. Mm-hmm. And this one's extra crispy. I'm sorry. Then why is that? I'm having a good time. Because you said

original Conan like he's like original original you know KFC chicken and then I made a joke that he's extra

tasty crispy now which is a different version of the chicken at KFC and then I made myself laugh. Is Conan the next Colonel? He invented the Colonel. Could be huge.

How do people, what's the booking process? How's that go? We have bookers and then they book. Is it the same ones we have? No, not at all. No, we have bookers

who work on our show. Can I say their names? Give them a nice little shout out. There's Paula Davis, who's a delight. There's Gina Batista, who's a delight. Paula Davis, is that Paula D? And there's Rick Hahn, who's a delight. And the three of them book people for us.

What's the naming convention for the emails? Is it first initial, last name? Just first name? Oh, I will absolutely. I almost answered that question, and I just first name. Oh, I will. Absolutely. I almost answered that question and I realized, no, there are some people. Okay. Well, we have yours, so we can probably like back. Yeah.

You really can. Trace it back from Beth. You sort of blew by my question, which actually was pretty funny. When you said Paula Davis, I asked if that was Pauly D, DJ Pauly D. You asked if DJ Pauly D books on our show? Paula Davis. It's Paula. Pauly D, DJ Pauly D. You asked if DJ Pauly D books on our show? Paula Davis. Pauly D. I should start calling her Pauly D.

Pauly's birth certificate doesn't say Pauly. Fun fact about the Jersey Shore is I want to say about six months ago I binged all of it. This is the tea. Yeah, I binged. I watched one or two episodes when I was traveling for work months ago, I binged all of it. This is the tea. Yeah, I binged. And this is what the tea is.

I watched one or two episodes when I was traveling for work in my hotel room, and I thought to myself, I got to get back in this. And I'm sipping the tea. And I binged so much Jersey Shore in the span of maybe four days. And I think I was on hiatus. And I did nothing but I binged the shit

out of that show and I would do it again thank you for the tea I had already seen it I just rewatched it my tea there you go so

you're assisting Conan yes yes so you have pretty good idea of his schedule I yeah

I do you'd know for instance what's he doing yeah tomorrow yeah what are you doing tomorrow

tomorrow he's probably gonna be inventing something I don't know what but it says that yeah it says there's a time on Sundays between don't forget you're supposed to be inventing something. I don't know what. It says that? There's a time on

Sundays between 10 a.m. and 12.30 when he just sits down on a stool and just invents something really amazing. I'm interested more in the mundane tasks that he takes part

in. Places where I could hopefully, with some kind of Brett-assisted Zoom recorder setup, zip in and pose as like his barista at his favorite coffee spot and get little snippets of him recorded until ultimately after, I would say, about six months of doing this, I could hopefully piece together a guest appearance of him on the episode. That's nice. I mean, it would take a lot of writing on our part because we'd probably only be getting like, oh, half-calf latte, soy mocha, ama, china.

Hey, whatever happened to a cup of coffee? Yeah. And him doing one of those bits that he probably does when he goes to get coffee and then we have to somehow set up a conversation around that right and huh i guess if someone were to help schedule something like that let me think harry's ad we're about 70 dollars on this show i someone could possibly get a little piece of that advertising money. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh, you're bribing. Sometimes we have more than one ad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. We're being paid for a service. Uh-huh. It's not necessarily a bribe. Okay.

Okay, so working and getting paid for doing a good job is a bribe now? Okay, then I guess I've been... Oh, okay. You want me to give you the warehouse our teachers being bribed to educate our youth okay i suppose if that's how you want to see it i think we should bribe them more personally but you're against the entire system here's what i'll say about that excellent idea because it is really it's a really good idea pretty smart Conan doesn't have like a

like a usual sort of routine which is why we need you but he spends a lot of time with his wife and kids so if you can that is the weak point if you can disguise yourself

be friends with a kid as his wife or one of his children how How old are his kids? About my age. Diabolical. His children are 13 and 15. Around my age? Okay. Yeah, they're like a couple years younger than you. Yeah, but I've got a young face.

If I shave. You do? I could see that. I actually can see that. This guy, yeah. Like Tom Holland range. You know? Sure, you could put him in a workplace can see that. This guy, yeah. Like Tom Holland range. You know? He could like sure you could put him in a workplace comedy

but you can also send him back to middle school. I'll sell it. I'll sell middle school. Totally. Do it. Show her.

Do it. Middle school. Show her. Do it. Give him something. Show me. Shave your beard. Well he needs a prompt.

Yeah. Hit me with something. I thought you meant show me like you should shave his beard. No. Prompt me though. Yeah, hit me with something. I thought you meant show me like you should share. No. Wait, what are we doing? You have to prompt him.

Prompt him for what? We're in high school or junior high? Middle school. Okay. Hey, Sean, how's your puberty going? Teacher? Don't ask me that whoa that was really good

and I sort of understand your teacher thing now why you don't think teachers should be paid any money is because they were asking you how is your puberty going how is your puberty going which if a teacher does ask me that really if anyone asks me that certain teachers, the puberty going? How's your puberty going? Which if a teacher does ask me that.

Really, if anyone asks me that. Certain teachers. The puberty teacher. That is supposed to be, yes. There is probably a gym teacher or something. Yeah. How's your puberty going? How's that puberty?

That, is this what we do on Conan's show? Yeah, Conan would ask you about your puberty. Jesus, man. You'd probably get it out of me, too. Wait, did you say what you guys... How did you, when you did that scene, how did you not have a beard? And then now you have it again.

So much of life is an illusion, Brett. She likes Brett, but she didn't like... Like the DJ Pauly D line, for example. It got nothing. It didn't. I thought that could have been Paula Deen. That's what I thought we were going to maybe get that show. Yeah, absolutely. Is there anything in particular

Paula Deen's famous for? I'm confused. Did you guys want to be on Conan's show? Or did you want him to be on your show? What? Huh? What? Huh? Okay. Who?

All right. Are you serious? I don't know. I can help you. Okay. And by help you, I mean do nothing. We got her. Help me?

I don't know. It'd have to be pretty good for me to even listen. help me i don't know it'd have to be pretty good for me to even listen eating better is easy with factors delicious ready to eat meals every fresh never frozen meal is chef crafted dietitian approved ready to go in just two minutes speaking of ready to go in just two minutes chef kevin is here with his new show the chef kevin factor where he creates fresh never frozen meals now this is different kevin i just want to i just want to establish it's none of this like here's a like a pile of ingredients like this is the meal yeah it's not a recipe okay this is the meal you cook the full meal for us now okay yeah you don't

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You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to do supposed to help you stay a lot of these i know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that reservation for two me walking in my bedroom what's the second it's you and your bed bed i guess clippy fuel up fast with Factor's restaurant-quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are. Pancake, smoothies, and more.

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How, where are we shopping? How do we do that? What's that? What do you mean? Where are we shopping? Well, Liza's really pretty and she's really nice. Okay, check, check. Yep, got it.

You know, I don't know. Just make yourself a really lovely woman. Okay. Yeah. And we are like sitting on top of each other. How do we, if one of us is sitting on the other one's shoulders. No, that's not how you do it. You have to take her out.

You have to take Liza out. I know. Not kill her. Hold on. Not kill her. I meant take her out in the like non-mob sense. Like take her out, like take her out for, yeah. Take her out dancing. Take her out for, yeah, take her out dancing. Take her out dancing.

In a disguise as her. No, what are you talking about, Hayes? That doesn't know what I'm saying. Am I crazy? Hayes, hold on. Yes, that's right. You need to remove... His idea's better.

Liza, it's me, you, from the future. Okay. You're in great danger. Like when Captain, did you see Captain America fight each other? Did you see that? No. Are you talking to me?

Hold on. He knows if I've seen it. Have I seen Captain America fight each other? Fight each other. Kevin's looking ahead to the next CBB tour, and so that means we pour our own water around here now. Hey, guys. Chef Kevin here.

Hey, Chef Kevin. Do you guys want to talk about when you last spoke to Conan? Or is that something we probably don't want to address? Fucking. What happened? Please tell me. Did he make fun of you? What happened?

We saw him in the waiting area. Yeah, we saw him in the waiting area. Our friend Kumail was there. But someone suggested like, Conan, you should do their podcast. And did he laugh? Yes. Or was he like, yeah, that sounds great. And then gave you my info.

No, he said no. He said no. Well, he said, he said, someone said you should do it. And he went, oh yeah, that, that sounds really cool. And then he turned and he said, I'm never going to do that. I'm never going to do that. And also, Adam Sachs was like doing this like

hand in front of the neck, like just like kill it, like change the subject, like do not even talk about your show. He's going to get pissed. You saw it. He was doing it to me.

You saw him doing it. He was doing it to me like fucking don't ask him about that. He took it to me and stopped doing your podcast. Yeah. Just cut out. We're asking Conan to doing your podcast. Yeah. Just cut out.

We're asking Conan to do your podcast. No, we're not. If you listen to the story. I didn't ask for anything. We don't care. I don't even know who that is. You don't know who Conan is. Now I do.

Yeah, now he just told me. I read that email. Yeah. He's an overnight podcast sensation as well. Yeah. And the downloads are nothing to sneeze at. Okay. So this is the idea. Sure. and the downloads are nothing to sneeze at okay so this is the idea

we say Conan's wife, Liza, I'm you I'm you, get over here oh my god, you guys are so bad jump on our shoulders let's go dancing then we're three people I can't stand people who don't know how to properly commit

a crime, here's what you do you have to find a way to remove her from the situation like say oh my god you have to come here to this location remove her from there doppelganger in what location i don't know you have to figure that out i can't do everything for you hey how do you not know where these people are i'm about to properly commit the crime of blackmail. Okay. How about you get Conan on our show

and in exchange I don't play him this episode where you suggested taking out his wife as the best way to get to him. I said don't take her out in the mob sense.

I meant take her out like for a good time. Like to... Well, that's not how it's gonna sound when i'm done editing this thing you asshole it's fine it's fine i'm not scared what do we say happened in the future oh my god oh my god we're from yeah we're from a version of the future well then it's actually i think we're low a version of the future. Well, then it's actually- She'll probably think we're Loki. Honestly, she will probably think we're Loki,

which is what Captain America thought. It's interesting. We're from a version of the future. If she ended up looking like us in the future, then something pretty bad happened. Yeah. No, I didn't say yes. I'm saying yeah, because she's a beautiful woman and you guys are not.

I feel like the two of you as women you're baiting me into my catchphrase and i'm not going to give you the satisfaction nice to meet a fan you just i don't know she would probably want to stop whatever timeline made her be first of all so tall second of all probably clearly two people. Yes. The way I picture this going. Yes. Split in half at the waist. Yeah. Both of you are going to disguise yourselves as Conan's wife. Is that the plan?

No, we'll be on each other's shoulders. We've been over this so many times. I can't handle this. I can't. I need to go. This is so obvious. You're starting to sound like Matt Gormley. I need to give this box of Kleenex to someone who needs them. Okay, so now we've also found another Conan weakness.

How's your puberty going? So if we could, here's what we do. We pose as the Kleenex delivery man. What's the text code that you get when Koda needs, by the way, an entire box of Kleenex? An entire box of Kleenex. I am going to drive this over to his house afterwards because he said he needed some Kleenex. What's the code? Yeah, or does he just say it right now?

He just texts me and all he says is Kleenex. And I know that he just needs an entire box. He probably has a cold or something. Oh, very interesting code. That code is almost uncrackable. You've given me the key. I feel like Robert Langdon. What are the children, like what could we use to befriend these kids?

I'm on that as well. You want to befriend the kids? And then what's the plan? You're going to befriend the kids and then you get to Conan because you're, hold on. Let me see what the plan here is. We need to ultimately get into a sleepover situation you're gonna become friends with Conan's kids

and then you're gonna go to his house sleepover the house and you two are clearly much older than the children sleepover situation and you're gonna go to their house to sleepover

well first the sleepover will be scheduled for my birthday party 13 I'll be inviting them but uh oh my house is getting fumigated. Does anyone else have a house big enough to fit this whole party?

Maybe one of my closest friends, Conan's kids. Then everyone else accidentally canceled. Oh, that sucks. I'm the only other one there. Then I'm in there. Hayes is there too. He could be like my brother. No.

No. Oh, you wouldn't invite your brother to your sleepover birthday party. I could be a new kid who his mom is making him invite. Yeah. Okay. So then you guys also have to enroll in their schools? Yeah. Brett's going to take care of that.

How far are we going to take this con? Brett's got that handled. You're going to enroll in their schools, become friends with them, or are you just going to come up to them on the street and be like, hey, want to be friends? Brett's the master hacker who hacked Jack's Twitter account. Who's Jack?

Jack the Twitter guy? Jack Dorsey. Did you really hack it? My name's not Brett. That's Brett over there. Brett's. Jack. Did you really hack it? My name's not Brett. That's Brett over there. Brett's an engineer. Did you hack it? I'm like the Sona of this podcast.

He didn't post all the stuff. He gave the account to someone else, but he is the one who actually was able to hack in. He's sort of like Robert Langdon. Alter ego Brett Spermanate. I got my start with Tom from MySpace, hacked him, ended that whole thing. I'm after Twitter now.

You're next, Zuckerberg. Brett's shit crushes. What am I doing wrong? You know, I set up the sound system for Conan's show. Same board you guys use. Why did you say you know? I've met Brett many times. But he was sort of looking at all of us.

But you thought Hayes was Brett. I know. I didn't know you said Brett. I've never had anyone call out the you know. I know Hayes. I knew Hayes from a long time ago. And I knew Brett from a long time ago. You, I didn't know. No, you said Brett.

I didn't know you said Brett. I didn't know you said Brett. I didn't. Yeah. What's another way to say that? I didn't know you said Brett. I wasn't listening. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, yes.

Oh, I was not listening. There's a lot here. I'm not kidding. I have this gift, some would say, where if there's a lot of nonsense I fucking zone out Conan did you that yes I did it from working for Conan for a long time I zone out

I focus like on the signatures on this table I focus on other things and then I'll get back in there so yeah I was not listening what room is this sleepover going to be in there are many times throughout this whole interview so far where i have completely zoned out what room are we is we're doing a sleepover and is there like a playroom i don't know i don't know the specifics of the like a finished basement type situation i don't know but i do know that two

grown men going with their young children and saying that they're coming over for a sleepover would be problematic. But we wouldn't be grown men when we're doing it. We would have disappeared chameleon like into our roles as young boys. So it's 2019. I don't think I would want to be on record saying that any like teens can't have a sleepover with two of their friends who are adult bed oh i i just i me personally right right right right right i would not want to be saying like oh this is not like this normal behavior not okay yeah it's good to keep an open mind there's no normal

you ever see angus the movie angus no i don't I don't even know. Do I know what that is? It's like this movie. Anyway, the main kid has like sort of a dramatic speech towards the end of the movie. Is he a little stocky? Yeah. Okay. And basically the... And again, I wouldn't want to be going around saying that in 2019.

And Brett's on board. Yeah. And I had to confirm it. You around saying that in 2019. And Brett's on board. Yeah. And I had to confirm it. You can't say that word. Stocky? Yeah. Why? It's just a little old-fashioned.

Oh. Yeah. And when I said, yeah, I assumed you meant tall. He's like, Beanstalky. Okay. But he, basically, in the climax of the film is like there is no normal and i think he says a swear word in it too and normal people actually worry me yeah then the rivers song came on which one is that the one where rivers cuomo had a song i bet sound chat oh yeah yeah i remember

this movie i don't remember remember the plot of it. Oh, Benderbeek's in it. Oh, cool. That's great. That's good. Yeah. Okay. Dawson. Is that what you meant? He wasn't yet.

At the time, it's pre-Dawson. Yeah. But anyway, Angus kind of tells you like, hey, there is no normal. And you would do well to remember that. I'm sorry. You're right. You taught me a really important lesson today, Sean. I really appreciate it.

I came here. Do you have anything you want to say on record about adult men having sleepovers? You know, I thought adult men having sleepovers with young children was problematic. And now Sean and hayes and by the way for personal gain have been have tried to make me think rethink my position uh i don't know if they've succeeded but let's just say they have tried to make me rethink my position. How's that? This is a big thing that we are sort of working on is accepting podcasters doing things for career reasons. That being a more accepted norm in society than it currently is. Something that people now sort of look down on.

Look down on podcasts? Yeah, just people trying to be more successful at having a podcast. You think that's a bad thing? Or that's a good thing? I forgot. I didn't pay attention to what you were saying. I don't think it's a good or bad thing.

I think it's just something that people need to accept. This is part of society now. Right? What is the room where the sleepover happens? Oh, wait, are we still on the sleepover thing? Are you talking about podcasts in a general sense? It's all part of the same thing. Where does the sleepover occur?

You're talking about two grown men going to a sleepover with children. We're literally talking about a room. Just a room in Conan's house where you might do a sleepover with children. We're literally talking about a room. Just a room in Conan's house where you might do a sleepover. Does he have a fun room? A fun room?

Yeah. Some families call it the great room. This is how you know Brett grew up really rich. Brett, this is your fun room and the rest of the house is a goddamn museum. Did you have heated floors? No. I think that if I was really, really rich, I would want heated

floors throughout the entire house. That would be my thing. I would like cooled floors. Oh, no. I'd want them heated. Dare to dream in Los Angeles of heated floors. Yeah. Why? Here's a guess in Brett's house as well. The living room.

Kids aren't going in there, right? No, never. We have our own side entrance to the fun room. What's in the fun room? What's in there, though? A ping pong table? Yeah, but like a giant ping pong table where you use like rackets to hit the ball you put on a suit

that makes you a paddle and then the ball is like it's like the size of like a small car what did you have a fun room you got a fun room bro

no just heated floors at the lake house she likes Kevin too. Yeah, it's nice. There's like the big keyboard you know that you jump on. The big keyboard. Yeah, from Big.

You know what it is with Brett and Kevin? It's both a big keyboard and the keyboard in Big. I'm just saying, you know what it is with Brett and Kevin? Why they score so hard. They reach for the salt. They never reach for the

laugh. Right. Right. Right. We would do well to remember that lesson. Expand on that. Well, it's famous

old theater story that Aaron Sorkin put in a couple of shows. There's a famous old theater story that Aaron Sorkin put in a couple shows. There's previews for a big play, and the actors are doing a scene, and there's sort of a tense argument moment in the play, and then there's a moment right afterwards where the actor reaches for the salt on the table, and the audience goes nuts. What a funny moment.

Just a good physical comedy bit. The following night, same scene happens. As the actor's hand goes out for the salt, it's crickets out there. The audience doesn't do a thing. I was not paying attention. Afterwards, he goes, what happened? Why did the audience not react? And they said, well, yesterday you reached for the salt,

but tonight you reached for the laugh. And that's the whole story. Is that over? Is it over? Is it over? Is it done? It's done. And you would do well.

Yeah. To have not zoned out because too late. What segments is Conan doing on his show? Yeah, what are we doing? What do you mean? What segments? You have to have segmentation. You guys keep saying show.

He has an actual TV show. And he has a podcast. So when you say show, i have no idea which one you're talking about okay that's weird oh is it is it weird sean you know your two first names is the name of an actor okay this okay sean hayes how many people have pointed that out? Okay. And that is actually the funniest shit I ever heard. That's the salt. You two should have Sean Hayes on this podcast. That is busting me up.

Are you the fucking pikey? Because you just delivered a knockout punch. He would remember both of your names easily. That's all I'm saying. Sean Hayes. Does he do segments on his podcast okay does he do segments yeah well clearly you're a fan um yeah he does listen to it he's going he's going hey he's going we're buddies right well usually the format of the show is we intro someone we interview someone and then conan matt and i just talk

at the end of it oh interesting it's sort of a like a real this is like upending the form a little bit we are we really revolutionized everything uh no one thought of things before we did them then an interview and then he invented something, a medium, a podcast, if you will. That I set up. Where we could use this format. And it has just changed the entire world. When did you first realize you were funny? I don't think I'm funny.

I really don't think I'm funny. I'm an assistant. You're laughing at that thing that you just said. I like myself. I really don't think I'm funny. I'm an assistant. You're laughing at that thing that you just said. I like myself. I laugh at the things that I say. I just don't think I'm funny. I think I'm a... I actually think I'm a riot.

I think I'm funny, but I don't know if other people think that. And it's fine if they don't. I'm okay with it. Good spot to be in. It is. I'm fine with it. You're your own favorite comic. I love the things I say sometimes I really enjoy me

A lot Like I could just listen to me talk Just For hours Just talk Well then you should have a podcast Yeah you should have your own Your own podcast

Nah That's what it is Nah It's too much work Rather not I like that rumor That doing a podcast is too much work It's too much work. Rather not. I like that rumor that doing a podcast is too much work. It's too much work.

Wouldn't mind not getting out there. Does Conan feel that way? Does he think it's too much work? He's looking to hang it up. I don't think Conan would do anything just kind of chill. Does that make sense? Like when he does something, he has to like really do it.

So when he does a podcast, he puts work into, you know, he really like sort of niche guests that like people might not, that he can sort of break. Right. Like a young upstart author named Michelle Obama, for instance.

Okay. Who no one had heard of before she was on Conan's podcast. I heard he had this guy on, this Adam Sandler? Yes. Ooh, I went to that. Man, this cat was wild. Yeah. I think he's going to go far.

Adam. What does that mean, you went to that, Brett? I was there at that interview. Did you help? Yeah, I helped. Were you supposed to be there? You engineered it, didn't you? Yeah.

Yeah. And I was just there making everyone feel comfortable, making sure Adam felt comfortable. I was there sitting, not saying anything, which is how most of the interviews are but you give a look every now and then why wasn't i on the cover what kind of dancing would she would conan's wife like to do i don't know i have no idea i've never met these people before you don't know what he's inventing tomorrow you don't know what kind of dancing she likes you don't know where the kids are gonna have a sleepover intimate questions that i have never in the 10 years i have and i've worked for conan

i've never asked conan's wife what kind of dancing or is it you that you zone out she's talking about yeah is it a lot of nonsense so you zone out who has an answer to that question what kind of dancing she's opening up to you what kind of dancing do you like? She's opening up to you. What kind of dancing do you like? Swing dancing. You swing dance. Oh, you do? Step, step, rock, step. You have a partner? Step, step, rock, step.

You have a partner you flip around and shit? Yeah, hell yeah, I do. His name's Hayes Davenport. He's my best fucking friend. You should watch them. So you two go swing dancing together. Yes. Out on the town.

We swing each other around. Yes. Stray cats. And I'll play Brian Setzer. Big. The daddy. Voodoo. Daddy.

That's cool. Yeah, it is cool. Yeah, it's cool as shit. You two are really cool. Yeah, no kidding. We're money. If there's anything I learned today. We're so money.

Is that you two are really cool people. You two are like just the, you know, BMOCs. The big men on campus. Why are you so pissed at me? I came in here thinking I was going to make a new friend today. Are you kidding? I love this dynamic. I don't know what's happening.

I don't know what has been happening. But I'm loving whatever's going on. And I'm kind of I love this dynamic. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what has been happening, but I'm loving whatever's going on. And I'm kind of fingering my microphone. Yeah. She's like looking for a hole in the mic. I'm touching these ports. There's little ports. She's sort of.

Do you see me touching it like a. You want to be a USB cable. Yeah. That's what you want to do. That cable. Yeah, I want to get in there. That's okay. It's 2019. Hey, it's 2019. You want to be a USB cable? You want to have adult kids sleep over?

There is no normal, man. It's like Angus told us. Yeah. Angus. What's one more... Just to get us out, one more thing we can do to get us out one more thing we can do to

get into Conan's life and get on the show get him on our show what you can do and this is serious advice that I'm giving you

okay you two can become really really famous and successful and that and that is the biggest laugh since she told us we should stick with the show. Two huge laughs. One was you should keep doing this show.

Two was you guys should become famous and successful. You two, the quickest way to get on it, just become really successful and famous. And then we can just invite you on. That's podcasting. to get on it. Just become really successful and famous. We can just invite you on. That's podcasting. There you go. What if we went viral? Again. When was the first?

Haze. The first time we went viral Geez We're now looking back at 2000 You're having trouble remembering it If you went viral one time And you have trouble remembering it This was

It was one of the early Videos And we were sort of explaining How dance Had evolved over the years. But our version, this is how we got into swing and then could not stop swinging. Okay. And so there's a lot of years that were sort of left out. Yeah.

Because you can see us get to swing and be like, why stop doing this? Yeah. In each consecutive era, we just go like, dancing in the 60s and 70s might have gone a little something like this. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Okay, okay, okay. The evolution. Swinging each other. Tough dance. Oh, okay. All right, cool. Yeah, then maybe that's enough. And he's a Star Wars kid.

Yeah, I'm a Star Wars kid. Yeah, he's a Star Wars kid. And you bit his finger. Not on camera, but yes. Oh. We both went to the dentist. Okay. And you were dressed up as a panda and you sneezed yeah and numa numa numa

kingdom style you did gangnam style not on camera but yeah not on camera but yeah we should now we should be recording ourselves so this is is actually this is like this generation has to like be record everything they do has to be on camera and broadcast to the world you can't just do Gangnam Style in your just

for yourself anymore it has to be you can't just oh look at me do Gangnam Style you can't just go poke fun at the Suicide Forest oh wow it's just oh look at me do gang you can't just go poke fun at the suicide forest oh right wow it's gotta be it's gotta be content oh oh

oh my god i'm just i'm looking for anything to cut through your filter, Soda. I know. It's there. It's there. It's just interesting that you would put that much money into the production quality of Gangnam Style and then not record it. So you were just doing it in your house. Yeah. The entire thing.

Okay. Yeah, it's actually for us. All right. The art is actually for us. And you flew to South Korea to do it. Cool. So much money. We don't want to make fun of this entire neighborhood of Gangnam

in a way that they would be upset. Yeah. No, it's observations that we've made. It's things that we think are fun to sing about, but also obviously people are sensitive and I think

you can say whatever you want. Mean what you say. Say what you mean. But don't say it mean. That's good. Who's the next guest on Conan's show? I don't know.

I honestly do not know. This shit is wild. We are on hiatus at the moment. This is what I'm saying. We are taking a break. So bored. We were on a break. And I don't know who's going to start off the second season.

And so I can't just say what's who we're interviewing. I'm sorry. I won't do it. I can't do it. You know what? Do you say when I, what I say who we're interviewing. I'm sorry. I won't do it. I can't do it. You know what I say when you say I took a break from my podcast? What's happening? If you wouldn't interrupt me, you know what I say? When you say.

Someone needs to interrupt you. When you say, if you would let me speak. Maybe we think about the sentence Complete it and then speak it Do you know what I say When you say You're messing up so much Take a break Sona?

When you say take a break on my podcast I say what is that? I've never heard of that Taking a break? Never done that before Never had a break You guys just keep going Every time. Just forever?

Yes, every time. We are on season one. How many episodes? Kevin? Obviously not more than 36 because that's, it didn't exist before Conan. 36 episodes.

That's you. Yeah, take a break. Big yawn. Yeah take a break Big yawn Sorry You take a break Collect ourselves 36 episodes 306

Oh So yeah We add a zero In the middle Yeah Add a zero in the middle And see what happens Drop a zero in the middle

So maybe it wasn't so funny When you said We should keep doing this Cause we obviously can't stop. We have some sort of disease. You do. And do I seem tired to you? Picture me rolling.

I don't know. You had trouble speaking two seconds ago. So maybe we need to have a break. So maybe we need to have a break. To do my podcast. Shut up. Maybe it's time for a break. You talk to me however you want.

You treat me like trash if you want. And I hope that you do. But you make fun of my friend and the way he talks, my friend Hayes. Yeah. You're going to get swing dancing the next week. Yeah. Wait, is that, what were you trying to, are you trying to threaten me? We do it late.

Well, it depends on what you consider to be the beginning of the week. So it's Saturday night into Sunday morning. Oh, okay. I'm going to take you on such a big swing dancing excursion. What a threat. By the time we're finished, it's going to be next week. And you'll be really tired and you'll be addicted to the rhythm. Jump jiving and wailing.

Oh, yeah. You and me and Hayes makes three tonight. That's good. What else is... Anything you'd like to plug? No. Okay, bye. Hollywood Handbook.

That was a HateGum Podcast.