Hollywood Handbook - Spencer Crittenden, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: July 18, 2017

Sean and Hayes are joined by SPENCER CRITTENDEN of Harmontown and they play a game. This episode is sponsored by Chapman University (www.chapman.edu/grad) and Harry's (www.harrys.com/HOLLYWOODHANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head to just watch. I mean, I go to the lap pool to watch, as you know. And I just love seeing the little tiny splash and knowing that within the hour, it's going to be a virtual tidal wave coming out of the pool. I start doing no splash on my little motorized boogie board. I'll just hop on that and just sort of zip. Just cruise around. Yeah, just sort of get a feel for the for the lanes yeah and just shark chicks tell me about that i've never sharked anybody uh haze are you serious yeah you got a straight up shark chicks you mean like pretend to be a shark pretend to be a shark and then pretend to be a shark, and then when you get close enough, you sort of, oh, yeah, no, you're out of the water.

Okay. But you're essentially, your entire body is a shark fin. Oh, yes, that makes sense to me now. And the boogie board is sort of like a. Oh, imagine how big I would be if I'm just a fin. Oh, yeah, because if the rest of you is underneath. Oh, my God. Yeah, no, that would be huge.

And then you freaking straight up shark the chick. So it's me and who was it? Oh, Mike McKeon is in the adjacent lane. And I'm just sort of zipping along and like I'm getting ready to get rid of my board. And he's snipping my lane away with shears. Yeah. Snipping it. Hairy shears.

Hairy shears. Snipping it. Hairy shears. Hairy shears. And I'm like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this? I would have gone, what are you doing? You have to stop now. If I was there. Dude, same thing. And he's like, oh, it seems like you just need a little more space. You're kind of all over the

place. I thought you just needed more space. Oh, what a freaking shade thrower. I know. He's throwing so much shade. He's got shade all over me. I can't say that now because that's a near-wolf show, but he is throwing shade at me. I know.

And all the times that we would say it, and they would be like, you have to cut it out. That's your promoting Max fun. Jesse Thorne's eating our fucking lunch. That's friggin' Adam Sachs is screaming that at us. And so I was like,

he said I was all over the place and I was like, I'm doing an experiment. Oh, nice. Nice. He can't say anything to that because he's a known science lover. I didn't say what it is. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Now he feels dumb if he has to ask what it is because it's pretty obvious. He knows he's not supposed to ask Yes. Well, he should, now he feels dumb if he has to ask what it is. It's pretty obvious.

He knows he's not supposed to ask, too. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names. And the red carpet linebacker show is of this industry. We call Hall. Hey, that's Hollywood, baby. What up, what up? And that's Hayes Davenport. And this is Sean Clements.

And please remember our names. We got a big guest here today. We got the friggin' Spencer. One thing quickly, everyone does have to get weighed down and suck on these. Yes. We've got a guest that no other Earwolf show has ever had. And so who do we want to get? Any of these new Earwolf shows that we want to?

Oh, my God, yeah. Because we just picked up some. And we should probably not do it. No, because we just. And they get so mad. Yeah. So who can we get really good? What are the new shows?

Brett, what's other new shows? Head Engineer. Yeah. Head Engineer, everyone. They picked up like five. He doesn't know any of the new shows. Do we have to go get Colin? Everyone, may I present the head engineer who does not know the shows.

Cracked. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Cracked is so old. It's like a billion years old. Politically reactive. That's so old. Politically reactive.

Oh, God. Throwically reactive. That's so old. Politically reactive. Oh, God. Throwing shade. Colin! I don't think he heard me. Colin! Spencer, do me a favor and scream at Colin. Colin! Colin!

Colin! We have a disciplinary issue. I'm so sorry, Spencer, because we do want to get into the guest segment, but there's some things at Earwolf we need this to be running smoothly to help future guests. It's an investment for us. Of course. You're cool to wait.

It's the business. I know it is. Oh, I brought that. This guy's been great so far. Hey, Colin. So we're obviously we have Spencer. He's never been a guest on any other Earwolf show. We're doing something great for you, which is kind of like we're cross-pollinating all these podcasts and kind of getting like some new ears on your shit.

Right. And so we turned to the head engineer, Brett, and go, hey, we've got to tell some of these new shows to get down and suck on these. They never had this guy. We said, can you name some of the new shows? Guess what he said. Cracked. He said Cracked. That was the first new show he named.

So he doesn't know that's been a show for a long time. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean. To him, that was a new show. The Cracked team do have a new show, which is the Crack Movie Club that launched last week. That's not what he said. That's not what he said. Nice try.

And I can tell that's not what he meant. I appreciate you covering for him. No, I knew that's not what he meant. 100%. No, because he would have said it. So then what are the new shows? Well, the Crack Movie Club that launched last week. Does he know?

Does Colin know what's going on yeah off book cause then who do I have to call the frig and may I present to the

whatever Colin's job is gotta call Denarius Scripps doesn't know the shows yeah what's the other new show off book the improvised musical yes

perfect book perfect off book well when you get off the book could you get on these and start sucking on them things Off book, the improvised musical. Yes, perfect. Off book. Perfect. Off book. Well, when you get off the book, could you get on these and start sucking on them things? Thank you. You got another one? Don't do Throwing Shade.

They'll be mad. They're so angry. Why will they be mad? They just don't like when we do this stuff. Throwing Shade don't like it. No, they don't. But do another one. Is there an issue between you guys and Throwing Shade? I think Colin's stall don't But do another one Is there an issue Between you guys

And Throwing Shade I think Colin's stalling For time Colin Well Stall and Anderson So we're doing We're doing a press release

Next week Where we're talking About new shows Okay Well this comes out On Tuesday I see people Talking about

Throwing Shade Is on friggin The Earwolf Reddit It says that it's A new show On Earwolf Throwing Shade's A show that's been

Running for five years Okay Yeah But it's on Earwolf now That's says that it's a new show on Earwolf. Throwing Shades is a show that's been running for five years. Okay. Yeah, it's a new Earwolf show. But it's on Earwolf now. That's new. We couldn't tell them to suck on these before, and we can't now because they would get upset. Right.

He doesn't know the new shows. Oh, my God. He doesn't know the new shows. Is it coming out before Tuesday? There's a secret show. No, it's coming out after Tuesday. Okay. You guys don't get an exclusive announcement here.

Okay, Off Book? That's what I just said. Off that's off books allowed off books allowed okay is there anything else yeah but it's the secret until next week movie club i guess yeah i guess people will be so thrilled to read it in an email they'd hate to hear their favorite podcasters Seanan Hayes, talk about it. Jesus Christ. What are we doing? I mean, James Bunding's coming back. Put it in the frigging mouth of the hosts. Yeah. Matt Goldie.

You know what I mean? Matt Myra. Yeah, we know. He was a guest on our show last week, if you listen. I did. You seem kind of rude to him. I'll tell you what. He was, and we cut a lot of this stuff of him just being such a nasty person.

Oh, God. He's one of the least pleasant guys. Very mean-spirited. Yeah. Just in his heart. Rotten from the inside out. Yes. He seemed like he wasn't open to your ideas to improve his show.

He came with a real agenda of being mean. Yeah, right. Well, I'm sorry about that. Reminding me of some of what you're trying to do. Yes. But not pulling off. Yeah, and not even really able to do it. And don't make me wild out on you.

I don't want to have to wild out. And we have a guest. You haven't let him talk this entire time, Colin. Jesus Christ, Colin. So we should probably get to him. You're not like the main guest. Sorry about that. Right.

I forgot. Yeah, Spencer forgot he, Colin. Jesus Christ, Colin. So we should probably get to him. You're not like the main guest. Sorry about that. Right. I forgot. Yeah, Spencer forgot he was here. This guy has headphones. I don't even have headphones over here. And that's what we love about Spencer in a way is that he's got this imagination where his mind will just take him out of the room and into some fantasy realm, which is part of what we're going to be doing in the show. That sounds pretty good, right, Colin? Give me a second, Spencer. That sounds pretty good, right?

That sounds great. Yeah, that's nice. Just give us one second, Spencer. That sounds pretty good, right? That sounds great. Yeah, that's nice. Just give us one second, Spencer. Okay. Pretty good idea, huh? Yeah, pretty smart, pretty fucking cool and funny. Pretty clever, right? Maybe we know.

Yeah, thank you, Spencer. That's good. Maybe we know how to make a podcast. We don't necessarily need to have you tell us, well, I'll send an email about what the podcast is. It's like, how are we announcing this thing? Crazy. Who's announcing it?

Somebody bigger than us? I mean, this- Is it happening at Comic-Con? Press release. I think it's going to be discussed at Comic-Con. All right. And the press release is going to go viral probably. That is bigger than us.

Yeah, press release will go viral, yeah. Well, okay. So we don't get to scoop anyone this week. Off book, get off the book, get down on knees, suck on knees. The movie club, I guess movie on down to these. Yeah. Yeah.

Start movieing around down there and really get the whole thing. Thanks, Colin. The frigging club. Get the whole club. So thanks, Colin. The frigging club. Yeah. Yeah, get the whole club in. So thanks, Colin.

And hopefully we won't be calling you in again to do any good stuff on the show. And see you later. Great. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Colin. Thanks. That was Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Colin. Thanks.

That was good, Spencer. Thank you. So we got our main man, Spencer. What's up, you guys? I don't know if you introduced me before. I was just kind of off in my own world. You were talking to Colin. Give him your full name.

Give him your email. Give him your Twitter. Give him your Instagram, your frigging Snapchat, your what's the other crazy stuff these kids do? Their names are getting so crazy. LinkedIn. And that's it. Yeah.

Some of these names are starting to be like, what? Right. Like a blicker. Okay. I don't even know that one. Right. It's like flicker. Yeah.

So, yeah, go ahead and lay it on them. Spencer Crittenden. Spencer's frigging Critterden. That's what that big beard is probably. Well, we aren't supposed to talk about any of these new Earwolf shows, but yeah, Spencer's Critterden is something that might be interesting. That's going to happen, finally. Well, I don't know.

I think Colin just said we might not be talking about that quite yet. Oh, yeah, but it's an animal-based show. It's Spencer's Critter Den. And it's sort of a Jack Hanna thing. Well, it's not my Critter Den. I come into a Critter's Den and kind of Spencer it up. Oh, I misunderstood. Spencer Critter's Den. I thought you were, like, showing

them friggin', like, a kinkajou to somebody and then it friggin' takes a leak on your shoulder and we all go like, oh, well, they do that. It's natural. Well, that's not, you know, that sometimes happens, but it's not really the focus. Ah, ah, ah. Well, you sort of Spencer

it out. Something for everyone. Right. We're showing the kinkajou someone peed on their shoulder. Oh, no. Taking a leak on a kinkajou. It's real fun in Critter's Den. That's TV. But I guess it's podcasts. Well, anyway, Spence, we obviously have been fans of your shit for a while.

And everybody's talking about this Dan Harmon. But we were thinking maybe we start Harmon Dan and start poaching some of his people. Yes. So we came in with an offer you couldn't refuse, and we said, hey, our show, we don't know what it is. It's got no discernible structure whatsoever. It's not any good. They seem to be intentionally doing something on that show you're on where you're like a dungeon master and you do this whole thing. Can we just steal that?

This is sort of what we're doing is appropriating other people's content to just fill time. To just get to next week. Because we show up every week and we go, what the fuck are we going to do? How do we bridge this gap to next week? And Hayes has made a very good point that our show is

very bad. We don't know what it is. And it's at the same time better than all the other shows. Objectively better. Do you want to talk about that? But so bad. I think it's one of the best, maybe even the best podcast out there. Better than all the other shows. But a piece of shit.

Well, I mean, it's kind of the worst podcast I listen to. But it's the best one. But I mean, if you guys hate it so much and you don't even know what to do, have you ever thought about maybe not doing any more episodes? Okay. So that is actually our big announcement. I can sink my teeth into that, yeah. Colin's going to have to get two press releases lined up this week.

So, yeah, that's a big announcement. This is the last episode ever. We are going to do one episode of friggin you know Harmon Quest basically seemed like a good way

to go out right well I didn't mean to imply like I don't you don't have to end it I was just you know no we do have to

you didn't like doing it you don't know no we do actually have to yeah it's gotta end yeah okay Hayes is like Hayes became a TV writer you can't be a TV writer and do a podcast.

Right, I've been hearing that. Yes, and Sean did that as well. And imagine having two of them on the one show, and you could do negative two podcasts at that point. Yeah, you're basically. You're in the red. Yeah, we're run ragged. Neither of us have slept in a year because, of course,

the amount of work that goes into recording a podcast is just insane. Right. There's a lot of commitment and preparation involved, I'd imagine. A lot of maps you draw. One like this? Right. And coordinating two hosts too.

It's actually harder if there's only one host to schedule everybody. Somehow it is harder. How does that work? If there's only one person hosting the show, it's actually harder if there's only one host to just schedule everybody. Somehow it is harder. How does that work? If there's only one person hosting the show, it's even harder to get it done than there is with two hosts. Because no one's encouraging them? Yes, that's a big problem.

Yeah, and Hayes does give me these late night phone calls where he kind of tells me, like, hey, you're really doing it. Keep it going, buddy. And he tells me not to sweat the small stuff. And I go, well, that's easy enough. And then he tells me, he lays this on me, Spencer. What is it? It's all small stuff. Yes. Can we cuss in here? Is Jesus a cuss?

Brett. Yeah. I know there's been some new rules around. You lead engineer. Can you answer one of our questions today? Can we swear in here? You can And this is some of that harm and stuff I know about Jesus being a friggin' faker Ah yes And wanting him to get out of here Right Jesus is like a layabout

And he's just trying to make a fuck He's lazy Yes Wait You can say Jesus but not the last thing Buck? You can't call him a layabout and he's just trying to make it look like Buck. He's lazy. Yes. Wait. You can say Jesus, but not the last thing. Buck? You can't call him a layabout?

Yeah. Oh. Now, what's a layabout? I just tried to think. I just said, please. Oh. Now, what is that that we can't say? A layabout? Right.

Well. And Brett's steaming. Brett, go steam off in the car, buddy. I need some water. Hey, hop in the car and steam off for a minute. That makes even more steam, Brett. That's like the opposite of what you want to do. You have to de-water yourself.

All right, so... So we're going to be harming this guy. Yeah, we're going to be harming his business by just moving right in on his corner. Now that's very clever. Did you come up with that? I've never heard that used, but it seems obviously there's harmony. He doesn't use it? No, no. There's harmony, like e-harmony,

but no one's ever said, I'm harming this guy. That's brilliant. Yeah, this was on the phone call a couple nights ago that we sort of workshopped that one. Together. Together. Together. Nobody really came up with it. But it was both of us.

I don't even know who said it first. Well, this is the kind of talent you don't see on Harmontown. No. He's not going to do wordplay stuff like this. No. Alright. What do you guys do on that? Nerd poker, right?

Dragon or nerd poker? I don't know. Nerd poker, that's like a boring version of what we do, right? I don't know. Oh, your stuff's wild? Oh, yeah. No, we have jokes. Well, we kind of stay on.

We get on stage and everyone drinks a lot. And then at the end – On stage? Oh, yeah. That's what people come to see is like a man draining a handle of vodka. What if – I mean if you're so fucked up, like I mean you must get too honest. Yeah. I mean I'd say that that's a liability, but he's managed to turn it around into a strength that he uses. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. If he drains a handle of vodka, that's going to be incredibly raw. Right. And uncensored. Hang on. I mean, you let your inhibitions down. You're liable to say almost any truth about yourself. I mean, what if it turns into kind of a confessional atmosphere?

Well, I mean, there's not really much you can do about it. almost any truth about yourself. I mean, what if it turns into kind of a confessional atmosphere? Well, I mean, there's not really much you can do about it. A live show. Right. I mean, I guess. And it becomes raw and uncensored. Exposing yourself in front of that entire audience? Ripping your chest open bare and saying, here I am. I've got feelings.

I'm not perfect. I mean, I couldn't imagine something like that. It's hard to deal with, I think, for an audience. That's why we have 18 and older signs, and we kind of ask you. For the rawness. At least, at least, insanely raw. I couldn't even handle that at 18. I don't know if I can handle it now.

If you're prone to seizures, you also shouldn't come to the show. Right, yeah. But, you know, people seem to enjoy it. I certainly don't, but, you know, they pay me. Yeah. Where do you do it at? I do it at a place we call The Castle. It's in Burbank.

It used to be an animation studio, and now it's an animation studio and a stage. Yes, the frigging Lord's Castle. Lord's Manor. Come into my castle. With the mage. Bring me mead, right? Yes.

I got to have more mead notebooks. It's not quite like that. I thought it was going to be a real castle. Bring me my mead notebook. I've got an idea to write down. It's for an animation studio. Yeah. Okay.

So I'm going to draw something. Right. The mead joke still works. Right. Give me some mead and let me draw a line or a character. The lines are on the page. Yeah. The lines are already there, but it helps you keep track of where you are.

Well, these days they actually do it on computers, I suppose. So we used to talk about nerds all the time, and we should probably get back in. Just for the farewell episode, I think people would like it if we sort of call back to our old stuff. But like the nerds is cool, you know, and all that.

And they do like an all joking, a salad t-shirt, but not a nerds is cool now t-shirt. Yeah. But you guys are doing this nerd poker and people are just going crazy. Well, how does that like, how does that begin?

Well, I come up with the ideas. It's kind of like, I don't know, maybe writing or something where you're trying to tell a story. The difference is you don't do a lot of the dialogue. You just say, these guys, they're on stage. They'll figure out the lines. They'll say some stuff. But I set the stage. I create the scene and the set dressing.

Spencer, can you help us build some characters for ourselves? Yeah. I don't think I have any dice on me, but we might be able to make do. Hayes has got some dice with him.

Go ahead and do your dice, Clay. The only one I've heard is Tom Sharp doing him doing a woman. some dice with him. Go ahead and do your dice clay. The only one I've heard is Tom Sharpling doing... him doing a woman. Can I do that? Yeah, sure. I was basically doing Tom Sharpling's Game of Thrones.

I was just trying to do the podcast. I'm just trying to do a nice podcast. Well, that's going to work just fine, I think. Right. I think that'll work, too. So that'll work to figure out our frigging powers. So do you have any character ideas for us?

Because this could help us for our next podcast we do a year from now when we're both out of the business. Right. I like to suggest that people come up with their own character ideas. Like, do you want to be like a Batman? Okay, we don't want to do that. Here's a character idea I had, and I don't know anything else about it, but this is just an idea I had for what could be a pretty interesting character with a twist. Yeah.

So his name is Francis Nathaniel Stein. And then at the end, somebody sees what's written down, and his name is Frank N. Stein. And they just put it all together. Yeah. They are reading or they get a piece of his mail and they realize it's addressed to Frank N. Stein. Oh, see, now Kevin's hearing. Kevin wants to be.

So Kevin today was like, hey, guys. Hey, guys. Just so you know, I am going to be engineering another episode during your show today. I've got a big heart on about it and I basically need to bury it in your text messages because I need someone to know. I might not be available for everything you guys need at the beginning of the show because I do have this pretty huge opportunity for me to engineer another episode. I know it's essential, all the stuff I do for your show. And so now he's here like, oh, maybe you guys

can ask me how it went in my other show. And I can tell it went really well, just the way he's like. And he's hoping this episode fails too, but it actually went great. We had that whole good thing with Colin that had a ton of momentum. Yeah. And then all this stuff with Spencer so far is freaking crushing. Yeah. And we've really had a chance to get into it with Spencer. Yeah then all this stuff with Spencer so far is freaking crushing.

And we've really had a chance to get into it with Spencer. Yeah, and the stuff with Spencer, we've really helped him to sort of launch us into some cool shit. Drew Tarver's new show on Stitcher Premium. Oh yeah, does Drew have more going on? That's good. Yeah, I

haven't seen enough of his shit. Maybe he could do his time on a free show for five years. And then do the paid show. Yeah, he could do that too. Do you want that? Yes. I want him to do his time. The guy's a sleaze.

Have him do a free show for a while because he's just all about the money. For me, it's not about the money. It's some kind of long con for him. And I've proven that it's not about the money because it really hasn't been very much. So think about that. All right, I'll let Drew know he should do the free show. We'll put his on hiatus until he does the free show. Spencer, how much money do you get for that freaking harming those guys?

Harming the audience? A year per episode. You get a year for every episode? Right. You get a year's worth of money. No, I get a year on the end of my life. I live longer. Oh, wow. You think anyone else would do this for anything less? Wow.

That's interesting. How long are you going to live now? Well, so far I've racked up 250 extra years, so I'm shooting to 320, I think. Does Harmon get some extra years, too? No, they come out of his life. That's what I figured, because he's like, I don't want it, I'm sad.

Right. You know, I mean, he looks 90, but he's only like 40. Oh, damn. Yeah. Man, I can't believe we got his fucking best bro. And we got dude doing our show. And now he's going to be like, I was already sad and now my freaking best bro is doing their show. Next thing, I'm going to move into his house.

Oh, yeah. You know, I know his gate codes. Oh, yeah. You know, I know his gate codes. Oh, yeah. Savage. Ruthless. So, Kevin. What's his gate code? Like the Hitchhiker's Guide 42 stuff or whatever?

Something 42-pound star. Yeah, like the frigging space star. Space stuff. Frigging listening to Star Sailor Kev bro could you talk to us about how did it go

engineering cause I know we were kinda hard on you but I am curious like was some of that shit funny and what

were they doing on that podcast is there anything we could use here yeah it was really funny Drew's playing a like

washed up skater. It's like Rob Dyrdek, but like 20 years from now, but he's still trying to be relevant. Okay. Is that a little premature after Big? Is this the right? Are we trying to capitalize on that? Is that the idea?

Big's dead. Now everyone's fucking hitch onto the news cycle of Big. And everyone's talking about this, and so maybe we can make some money idea? Big's dead and now everyone's... We're going to fucking hitch onto the news cycle of Big? And everyone's talking about this and so maybe we can make some money off of Big's death? Is that sort of what we're thinking? Wow. It was before that. Bad timing. Big was a person.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Human being. Maybe you don't respect him and you see his death as just a financial opportunity for you, but he had a frigging mom, a frigging dad. And they were all huge. He had a friend named Rob. Well, I guess you know that part because that's kind of what you're using to line your pockets.

Okay. Anything else? Should I take photos? You do something. Yeah, you do something. You didn't actually engineer it. I've been doing everything. I'm engineering the second half.

Holy shit. Look out. I'm coming up from the bench. Holy shit. He just sits there. Holy fucking shit. Hey, guys, I can't do any of the stuff I do for you, the really simple stuff that would be

easy for someone because I have to be sitting in another room. I can't leave. I didn't want you to expect me to watch Bosh if I was going to be in the other studio and he was going to be by his lonesome. Bosh is a good boy, unlike you. So I don't need you to watch Bosh. He's

a good boy. And he likes helping people. What you don't realize, Bosh is watching you. Yeah. That's what's actually going on. That makes a lot more sense. Yeah, no shit. Spencer, talk about what a good boy Bosh is. Bosh is a pretty good boy.

I think he likes to help people. He is motivated by it. He's not doing nice things for other people and not even to make himself feel better about himself. Getting outside himself. Yes. He doesn't talk about his accomplishments. No.

He just kind of keeps his head down. You have to drag it out of him. Yeah, it's true. So take your fucking photos. Get the fuck out of here. Hit the fucking road. Next time I see you, it'll be too damn soon. Yeah.

Oh, Kevin. Bye, bitch. next time I see you it'll be too damn soon yeah oh Kevin bye bitch so I think we were making characters yeah we were making characters did you get what I was doing with that sort of Francis Nathaniel Stide character

I think that is gonna be real perfect I think that gives me a strong direction yeah gives us a great foundation and he should seem like a normal guy

you know yeah oh no he should seem so a normal guy. Yeah. Oh, no, he should seem so normal. And maybe like, you know how Aaron Eckhart was like a handsome Frankenstein? Yeah. And I heard this great interview with him where he's on Howard Stern, and Howard Stern was going like, but Frankenstein has like bolts in his neck and looks weird.

And he went, how do you know? You don't know that. And so that's one of the cool things we're doing is we're going like, this guy's actually fucking fake. So like, just because he's a famous character doesn't mean I can't take away all of the characteristics that made him what he is and then still say I'm him. Right. You could,

uh, you could give him like his eyes could have two pupils in each of them. Whoa! No! I'm freaking going to get under the table and hide. That's so spooky. But this is why we brought you in, because your mind's fucking insane. Right.

No wonder Harmon's so fucked up. He's got this guy whispering to Zira all day. Hey, two pupils in one eye? Okay, get in the loony bin. Hollywood Handbook. Did you say you could be Batman? You could, yeah. I mean, that's a great character idea.

Could you be, like, something from his universe? Yeah. Could it be anyone something from his universe? Yeah. Could it be anyone from the universe? Yeah. Absolutely anyone except Poison Ivy. Okay. Who is taken? Well, it's just – it's kind of gauche at this point.

It's really overdone. It's a little overdone. Here's the thing with Batman because I am curious about maybe being him. He's always punching people. And as you can see, I have a pretty vicious case of arthritis. And I don't think that would work for me. If he could be pinching people instead. It's just one letter difference.

And my hand's already sort of stuck in that shape. So maybe he's just pinching people's bottoms, you know? Yeah. Like, could I do that? Oh, yeah. Well, how does that square with your Frank? Oh, I didn't want to be that character. That's just a character idea I have.

Oh, okay. That's probably more for like, maybe like a movie or. Can I say who I want to be? Yeah. Yeah. Rick. VR series.

I want to be Rick Flag. Rick Flag. Yeah. He's the boss of the Suicide Squad. He kind of was there to be likable. He was there to keep them in line. And he tells him at the end, you got to throw the bomb at them. You remember?

Yeah. Yeah. And he's friends with the sword. And he. Masteress. He was there to prove that, like, you know, it was a respectable team. But he didn't really do very much that was respectable other than, like, care about someone he loved. Yeah.

Well, and even is he as bad as a suicide squad sometimes he was maybe even worse i think that was maybe what they're trying to say yeah i kind of want to be red ranger the from the power rangers okay well yeah because it could be whatever yeah if we want to do it that way it could be whatever so those guys have uh like z, right? Those robot dinosaurs. Yeah, yeah, okay. And he had the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Sure. Okay, so we could do that.

Wow, this guy's like, you are good at this. We have the Red Ranger. And Batman, is it? No. No, Rick Flag. Rick Flag, right. That makes more sense. Because there's an opening for Red Ranger because he freaking stopped that with a sword or something.

Batman's missing or something. Batman's missing or something in this world. She looks at the newspaper and she's like, where's Batman? It says like, where's Batman? So you're like, okay, Batman is not in this. Right. Now this is very interesting. Until the end.

We're trying to come up with characters, but we're actually building a whole world. This is how well this is working, I think. Since I'm already changing one letter of Batman, because I'm going to switch back and forth between being Batman and being Red Ranger. Since we're already changing one letter of Batman, because I'm going to switch back and forth between being Batman and being Red Ranger. Since we're already changing one letter of Batman's activity from punch to pinch, maybe we can change one letter of Batman from Batman to Bartman. That's fine with me. But so you weren't going to be.

Everybody, if you can, do the Bartman. Right. You weren't going to be a character, the Red Ranger, and now you're switching between them. If you can, can. Yeah, man. All can. Yeah, man. Alright. Hey, man. You're not in Harmontown anymore, you know? The rules are pretty fast and loose. You don't

gotta feel constricted or anything. And we actually don't need to use any substances to do that. No. Our mind actually is already functioning on kind of a different plane. If anything, that would make me less creative. Yeah, it's true. No, people who use that stuff to get creative, I kind of go like, all right, well, if you need that, maybe this isn't what you should be doing.

Because I already can kind of lower the gates of my imagination and release the hounds. But it seems like you guys, some of your ideas are so good, it's like you must have been high to come up with some of them. Oh, yeah, I'm fucked up all the time. Yeah, sure. But you don't need? Because of the stuff that we're doing is so fucking insane. And, like, it's gasoline.

We're drinking literal gasoline. Yeah, we're drinking gas. Well, that's a lot cheaper than alcohol, I think, too. Yeah. Because you could get a whole gallon for a couple bucks. I don't think you could buy a whole gallon. Not if Saddam has anything to say about it. The dead person?

Yeah. Oh, you believe that? Yeah. Oh, my God. You actually fell for that? Oh, my God. Yeah, sure. He was just in a hidey hole.

What are you guys trying to tell me? I mean, I'm open to new ideas, but. Come on, sure. He was just in a hidey hole. What are you guys trying to tell me? I mean, I'm open to new ideas, but... Come on, man. I thought you had like an imagination and then you see that and you're like, oh yeah, I won't question that at all. That's exactly what happened. Think about this. Saddam always got a beret on, okay?

Now all of a sudden we got this president with weird hair. Don't you think under the beret he probably had weird hair? Oh, I was thinking the opposite. It's the same fucking guy. It's the same fucking thing. They're all one guy. Who do you think Bush was, Spencer? Yeah.

Who do you really think it was? George Bush. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Brett, tell him. They're all the same. They're all the fucking same, man. Come on, man. You believe that when he was like, oh, I'm mad at this guy. It's him. they're all the same all the fucking same man come on man

you believe that when he was like oh I'm mad at this guy that's it's him it's all like it was him oh it just happens

to find him in the spidey hole oh yeah he's in the oh yeah oh he's right in there oh I oh I found him

I tripped oh there's a hole here oh turn around for a second oh and then he goes in there it was him took off the hat

alright well that makes sense think about it I think I could square with this There's a hole here. Oh, turn around for a second. Oh, and then he goes in there. It was him. Took off the hat. All right. Well, that makes sense. Think about it. I think I could square with this. Speaking of Squarespace, what's the best website you ever built? One time I built a website that had a built-in shop so I could, you know, try and promote my brand while selling items that were close to me.

What did they say? What did Squarespace say? Yeah. They said no. I put in hours, but it just didn't get approved. They've rejected all my sites as well, yeah. I guess they're pretty strict about what can and can't be a website. I think that should be in their ads. It seems really relevant to people who might want to use their service.

I just wish they would friggin' do more ads. You know what I mean? Right. I'm looking to hear about this stuff. It's hard to say what even Squarespace is or what they do or even if anyone's heard of them. They're not getting it out there. Yeah, and the audience word is so big.

Everybody needs to do a website today. We're still talking about HostGator, I think, around my circles. Yes. But HostGator's full up. Yeah. No more room. It's hard to exist in that market.

We gotta go on this quest. Yeah, let's go. So we got our characters. So go ahead and just blast us into the frigging land. All right. Okay. You find yourselves in the post-apocalyptic wasteland of Los Angeles. That's all. All right.

Give me freaking beans, man. Oh, this is how we do it? Like this? Oh, yeah. Wait, and who are you that was red ranger yeah bart man no you'll know when it's bart man and i say what here are my beans this is what it is this is kind of what it is yeah you could be like no okay right what do you want to do with the beans? We're on a team.

It's just us. What about Brett? I don't want to be beans. Right. That's interesting. Well, we should make Brett a character. Brett's beans. Well, he didn't want to be beans.

It's not really about what Brett wants on this show. You can tell him he's beans if you want. All right. So you're the beans. Do you have something better for him? No, no. I'm the beans? Right.

Yeah. I think you used a little reverse psychology. I got a feeling Brett did want to be beans. Okay, so this is good. Say it again. Give me your freaking beans, dude. Okay, here we go. Catch.

No, that's not the sound that you make when you're flying through the air. You go, whoa! Whoa, dude! Hell yeah! Ha! Ay caramba! There he is. Nailed the landing.

Now we've got to roll dice. That's part of the game. So, again, Hayes, would you like to... Yeah, what do I do? Just like throw it? Because we don't have the dice. What do I do? Throw a pen or something?

You be dice. You're supposed to be dice. Oh, that's right. Okay. I just wanted to be a frigging 13. All right. So that's the number I rolled.

Right. So the red Ranger, he shifts into Bart man to catches the beans. Yeah. Eat my shorts. Um, okay. So the beans have been caught and you're the beans. So now it's your turn. Yeah, eat my shorts. Okay. So the beans have been caught, and Brett, you're the beans, so now it's your turn.

What do you want to do? Am I like a pinto? Well, I mean, we should have created your character, but let's just say you're whatever you want to be in terms of beans. I want to be like refried. Okay, so what do you do? Refried beans. Brett's chaotic bad. of beans? I want to be like refried. Okay. So what do you do? I like refried beans. Brett's chaotic bad. And this is like part of his

musical fruit thing. Because he loves music. They make you toot. Or maybe someone else. So I'd like to kind of like I want to run away from Sean. As beans, you can't really move yourself. Bartman. kind of like I want to run away from Sean. Alright, well, as Beans

you can't really move yourself. Bartman. You can't really move. If he tries to run away, I'll pinch him. Well, he can't even try to run away because he's Beans. But I can kind of melt through his fingers and melt.

No way, I'll pinch him. In the sidewalk. That's his main power. This. Well, see, this is again something that calls for dice. Do I roll to see how hard I pinch? Right, to see if he can escape your pinching. Okay. Go ahead, roll the dice. Okay.

Wow, he really escapes. Okay, so you dropped the beans, you couldn't pinch him hard enough. So he's gone? Well, no, because again, he's just. Okay, so you dropped the beans. You couldn't pinch him hard enough, I'm afraid. So he's gone? Well, no, because again, he's just beans. He can't really go anywhere. He's just slipped out of the pinch onto the floor. This is so fake.

No way. I would pinch the beans. Yeah, can we do something that is actually real? Yeah, can we do something actually real that people could wrap their head around? It's so insane. The idea that Brett has beans would be able to get away from me as Bartman when I'm pinching as hard as I can? People are going to be listening to this and it is like we're liars. Yeah.

It's going to seem like we're being fake. That's actually the fact. And for our last episode, that's not how we want to go out. No, we'd like the last episode to actually be about the truth. Some real truth that we expose. So what I'm hearing is you want it to be more truth and less like lie and absurdity and kind of insane, impossible nonsense. Actually telling people the truth for once. Yeah.

Yeah. And really, you know, treating them to some nice bowl of freaking steamy truth. So what's real to you guys then? Like, what do you find real? Honesty. Honesty? Mm-hmm. All right.

Love. Can I say that? Is that okay? Yeah. I mean honestly yes yes these days people are like oh no you can't say but like yeah i wish you more people would say that yeah i wish more people would talk about like i know it's not cool to be in love. I know that's like out of fashion or whatever, but sorry, I can't really live my life controlling my emotions according to what's cool. When Wonder Woman said that? When Wonder Woman said, you remember? Oh, yeah. That's one of the top five parts of the movie. Yeah.

When she says, I believe in love. I was like, oh my God. Holy shit. And that's a freaking superpower she's doing they can do this and then they cut over to the freaking sniper who couldn't shoot who was like not you know like he had like ptsd and he couldn't shoot and it was sort of his big moment to play into the finale and he kind of goes like whoa you know how they set up all the stuff spencer did you see it they set up all the stuff, Spencer? Did you see it? They set up all the stuff where, so he like, you know, it's like, you brought this guy on our mission. Like, we only get to bring three guys, and one of them's a sniper who can't shoot.

And you go like, oh, wow, he might overcome this at the end. But he doesn't have to, because instead he watches her say. Do you object to that movie, Spencer? You sort of, you know, you stayed out of that one? I'm not. Saw all the other ones. You said this, oh, something about this one I'm not saw all the other ones you said this oh something about this one

I'm not really that crazy about I've heard I've heard people who feel that way how to just see movies I'm not really a movie guy I don't

I don't even know if there's a theater in Burbank where I live so I don't I don't really know how to do it so that's what you say

when people are say like do you see Wonder Woman oh I don't see any movies when really it's just that movie you didn't want to Oh, I don't see any movies. When really? It's just that movie you didn't want to see? It's just that one movie and you did see Spider-Man? I only have one conversation with people about movies,

so it doesn't cause as many problems as you might expect. And what's the one conversation? Wonder Woman. Yeah. And then they leave. Yeah. So she believed in love in that movie. Right.

Yeah. And honestly, just to in that movie. Right. Yeah. And honestly, just to catch you up. Sorry if that wasn't cool. But I looked around in the theater, and some people were like, no, I can't. No, I'm not doing this. I saw people get up and start walking out and start punching each other. But I actually cheered, so.

Yeah. I stood up. I screamed at the screen. I'm crying my fucking eyes out. I'm bawling in the theater like a fucking baby. And I'm going, yes, yes, finally. I've seen a few of these frigging superhero movies. I'm a little bit of a nerd, okay.

And I'm sorry I don't remember Anthony Stark or you know even the friggin Hulk talking about like how much they believe in love or if they do at all yeah

she didn't say how much she does but it seemed to be a ton yeah oh yeah so we could work with that honesty and love is kind of what's real

yes thank you let's talk about real stuff and relationships right instead of what's real. Yes, thank you. Let's talk about real stuff and relationships. Right. Instead of doing something fake. Just fake shit, Spencer. And I'd like to be a character also.

I'd like to add something to my Bartman character where there seems to be an ability that I used to have that would be very useful in like a final battle that I'm sort of struggling with now because of some demons that I'm wrestling with and I'd like that to be set up a lot throughout the quest and then at the very end of the quest I'd like to sort of like

have this moment where it's on me and I just go like go! Or like oh my gosh! Right. So you know let's just like let's not just like resolve every single thing let's not just like.

No, this fantasy stuff. We don't want to resolve every single thing. Let's not be so fake. Because it's life. This is what real life is. Sometimes there's extra pieces. Right. So, let's see. Who are your characters again?

Rick Flagg. Rick Flagg. Colonel Rick Flagg. Thank you very much. Colonel Rick Flagg. Aye, aye, sir. The Red Ranger and refried beans are at the

Arclight Cinema watching you guys wanna know why I'm the Red Ranger why cause I got the idea from Kevin

to like sort of like there's like a tragedy right like isn't the Red Ranger actually killed somebody with a sword like killed his roommate

the guy who originally played him oh okay and so that's in the news I'm the Red Ranger and now all of a sudden everyone wants to read about our podcast everyone's making bank off of these tragedies

well we're not allowed to do this Kevin's too making money off it I don't think so I'm gonna make that so go ahead put us in the cinema you are in the cinema yes and then what are we doing? You're being honest and loving. Oh yes. And, uh, it's still like before the movie has started. So it's just, you know, there's music, the lights are up and there's just trivia. Oh, we're in the

movie theater and we're just sitting there and the lights are on. Hey Rick. Yeah. There's kind of a fun game I like to play before the movies where you pick one actor and one actress or I guess one male actor and one female actor. I think maybe the word actress is out of fashion. And you guess who's going to be in the trailers. Like so like you pick one and I pick one. Okay. And then if I get one right or if I get both right and you maybe only get one right, then you got to pay for my popcorn. Okay.

Can I guess first? Yeah. I would guess Carl Lewis. Great guess. It's your turn now. Yeah. I'm gonna do probably soupy

sales and so when do we give out like the free hugs and stuff well that's up to you guys I mean you play the characters and you kind of decide what you want to do and then I'll create events that occur and maybe change the situation am I still beans

yeah yeah refried right sure all create events that occur and maybe change the situation. Okay. Am I still beans? Yeah. Yeah. Refried. Right. Sure. And did we, what containment were you in?

I assumed it was a can, but can I change mine? Teal a tequila. Okay. I thought I was just like loose beans being thrown around. Yeah. He's probably sinking and being absorbed into the seat at this point. Right. Okay.

All right. An earthquake happens in the cinema before the movie starts, and the ground opens up in the theater. Wait, so we don't get to see who's in the previews? Well, I mean. We set up this whole thing. You might. I remember that and shot at love with Teal Tequila when that dude got jade in the mouth. That's probably the best punch I ever saw on reality TV.

Yeah. And it seems like you don't know what she's up to now which is good i think i think it's good to establish that that's that way i know what she's up to she's trolling everybody rick flag you lose your grip on the edge of the crevasse and fall into it. It's about 20 feet down. You're kind of in this hole about 20 feet deep in the middle of the cinema. Okay. Well, I'm being cool about it. I'm like, all right. That's my attitude.

I'm like, all right, cool, because I'm just taking life, you know, just whatever as it comes. That's very honest. So now I'm doing this is what I say. Rick, you need anything? No, I'm actually good. And this is actually like anything else in life, basically. And it's all small stuff. That's my attitude.

The previews start, but you can't see them, so you don't really know how well you're doing. Well, Tila can see them. Right, but was Tila playing the game or was that with Bartman? Tila was the guest. Yeah, that was who I thought I was going to see. Oh, I thought you were changing your character. Oh, yeah, me too.

Okay. Oh, no, I changed my guest from Soupy Sales to Tila Tequila. That's who I think is going to be in the big movie preview. Okay. So the trailers are playing. I don't know. I don't feel like we're doing enough honest and loving behavior here. I'm stuck in this crevasse.

I'm not going to be able to give free hugs. I would like to be wearing as a free hug sandwich board. Like in the movie theater so I could kind of be going around and while people are enjoying the movie, I could just kind of envelop them.

Tough with the sandwich board. Well, we could give you that. Let's say you're down there with a sandwich board. So the previews are could give you that. Let's say you're down there with a sandwich board. Okay. So the previews are starting, and people start streaming into the theaters, people who are late, and they see you down in the hole, and they want some free hugs. So you see person after person is just climbing down into the hole. Climbing down. See, this is nice. They want to be down here with me.

They want free hugs. Okay. What am I doing, Spencer? Well, see, that's the one thing I can't do is tell you what you're doing. I can tell you what's happening around you, but it's kind of part of the game for you to do your thing, almost as if you were playing a character in a scene. Just can't get too many rules. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. I guess – oh. Oh. All right, so he's got the sandwich board. So I got kind of a bumper sticker on my fanny, you know, and it says, honk if you're huggy. And so then I hear behind me the refried beans go, oh, okay. Are they supposed to sort of honk that to you? Oh, okay, yeah.

That's right. Well, and then I can turn around and pinch them right back and give a little honky with this old freaking claw of mine. Now, I don't want to nitpick, but if you're sitting in the theater and it's on your fanny, how is anyone reading the bumper sticker? First of all, he's sitting it away so they can all read it.

And you just said that you weren't supposed to tell anyone what to do. And you were like, I don't want to nitpick, but... And then it's like, okay, if you don't want to, youick, but, and then it's like, okay, if you don't want to, you probably wouldn't start a sentence like that. And obviously he's sitting with his face in the seat and kind of like sticking up.

Well, yeah. So I put a bucket of popcorn on the seat. Then I go, check this out, and I start eating it like a pig at a trough until my whole body's upside down and my head's inside the bucket, and then I'm sort of spinning around doing a breakdance move. And at the same time, my frigging little tuchus is out there with the frigging nice little bumper sticker. Give it a little honkus.

Come get a little honky-honky. So for one of these, this is like a tough maneuver for you. So we're going to have to roll some more dice. Do you want to roll some dice again? Okay. I can roll a dice. Do you want to roll some dice again? Okay. I can roll a dice. Okay, go ahead. My life is a show for.

So you start to break dance, and you kind of get mixed up with the popcorn a little bit. And the next thing you know, you're losing control. You're spinning so fast, you don't know what's going on. Oh, there's butter on it. Right. Popcorn's going everywhere. Oh,. Oh, popcorn gallery. Remember? Oh my God. That was so fun. We should do that. It's the last show. We should do that. Yeah, we should do it. It's the last show ever.

So put that into that. We're going to do the, that we do the popcorn gallery now. Right. So the popcorn is flying and it sinks into all these refried beans. And the smell is making people leave the theater. And then you hear the screen start to make sounds coming out of the speakers of the screen. And you see on the screen it says, come to the popcorn gallery. Oh, that's fun. Yes, yes. Now we're actually doing it. Yes, Spencer.

Thanks. All right. And I'm still down there. Right. You don't even know. Well, here's what I can. There seems to be so much demand for my hugs, I could start charging a couple bucks for these things. Yeah, easily.

So maybe I'm building up enough dough. To buy a ladder. Or like a rope of like. Like a nerd's rope. Oh, yeah. From the vending machine. So then when you get out, you've got a nice snack. And I sort of chew my way up the nerd's rope.

Dude, that's awesome. I'm honestly better at this. I love that idea. The guy that does it all the time. I love this idea. Okay, so we're doing the popcorn gallery. We need questions from the beans, I guess. Yeah. The beans, give us some questions for the popcorn gallery. We need questions. From the beans, I guess. Yeah.

The beans. Give us some questions for the popcorn gallery. Okay. Do we have to do a song? Yeah. Do you remember how to find the song? This will be really fun, actually. This is so nice.

I actually like it. It makes me think about like throwback Tuesday. Yeah. It makes me think about growing up. It is basically throwback Tuesday. It's making me think about growing up and being a kid. Yeah. It being a little kid when I first started this podcast.

Yeah. Okay. I'm really sorry to have to do this, Brett. Colin! I'm sorry, Brett. I'm so sorry. Fuck! I'm really sorry to have to do this, Brett. Colin! I'm sorry, Brett. I'm so sorry. Colin! Colin!

Colin. We got a disciplinary issue. We have a disciplinary issue. We have a disciplinary issue. And I just want you to know that it wasn't us, because you'll be like, oh, I like it. We literally wanted to do that it wasn't us, because you'll be like, oh, I like it. We literally wanted to do it for the fans. Yeah, we don't want to hear that. Please don't.

So guess what happened, Colin? What happened? We were doing the, remember we were telling you about we were going to do the quest, the harm and stuff, and that seemed like a pretty good idea, and it actually was going very well. And we were in it. Yeah, momentum was insane. Yeah. So Spencer suggested maybe we do, or somebody, no, you said.

No, because we were talking about popcorn. And so I brought up the Popcorn Gallery, which if you've heard the show, we used to do. He doesn't know the show. He's kind of a hired gunner and he doesn't. It kind of reminded us of growing up and when we first started doing this show. And so as we go to start, and Brett, who, of course, is the beans on the quest. This is going to make a lot more sense when I listen to the episode, isn't it? I feel like I've missed a lot of important things.

I don't think it will. I think he's actually explaining it very well. So Brett's the beans on the quest. He's about to give us questions. And I go, oh, don't we need a song a song actually for the popcorn gallery, which we have our own song, which we own. And play the song that you played, Brett. Now this

Stop it. Stop. What's the equivalent for something that Colin would... I mean the equivalent to the popcorn. I understand. This is a little bit like yes, this is essentially Mr. Bean, not to be confused with Brett, who is something of a Mr. Bean. This is a bit like a young Mr. Bean who is also impersonating a superhero.

So if you think of sort of like a Mr. Bean man. Right. What's really crazy is in this song he's actually notating a superhero. So if you think of sort of like a Mr. Bean Man. Right. What's really crazy is in this song, he's actually not being a superhero. There's a separate song, Do the Bartman, where he's being a superhero. And then this is a different song. Oh, what song is that?

This is Do the Bartman. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, no, it's not. I guess I just wanted to hear it again. And I will tell you, this is one of the most expensive songs. So I'm just saying, when you get hit with this bill, Michael Jackson is in it.

Yeah, I mean, you're obviously using this song to talk about it critically, right? This is for review purposes that you're playing this song. No, and we actually are saying explicitly that it's not for review purposes. I mean, we're going to really have to said it was a theme song for this show. We have to bleep out the whole song in that case. Well, I was trying to say that it wasn't the song, just so maybe they'd think like, oh, they think it's a different song. Oh, that's what you were doing.

And I messed that up. So now we've admitted that it is the real song. Right. And we've said the name Michael Jackson, so his estate is going to be coming after us as well. For using his name. Yes. And his likeness.

Brett has been doing that a lot too. Wow, yeah. And he's been profiting off it. And when you told us okay, you're not allowed to do music anymore, Hayes and I very respectfully generated some music specifically for the show.

And we haven't been doing it since. And we told the engineers, hey, don't do this. Don't cross this line. And maybe you've noticed we certainly haven't heard you appreciate it. Yeah. I never remember hearing anyone say, no way to know if you heard and liked what we did. For following my fake rules.

I never heard anyone say that. The fake shit I made up. Hey, the fake shit I made up just to feel like a big man. Thanks for respecting that for no reason. I didn't hear that. It would have been nice, but I don't need that. That's not why I do it.

But it's interesting now, like, Brett is spitting in your eye. I mean, I'm sure Brett's going to edit this out. Like, Brett's our head engineer. Like, he takes this pretty seriously. And he's a musician, so he's really going to care about music copyright. Okay. If that's the kind of faith you've got in Brett. It's baked into the tape.

I can't actually take it. Like, baked into the tape.. Baked into the tape. It is baked. I mean, I guess you're going to have to just start the episode again then. See that? That could be really nice. You got some ideas, Spencer, for if we were doing this over? No, I'm having a great time. What would you do if we were doing this over?

I'd book a different guest, I think. You know, I'd maybe get someone funny. Oh, Spencer, don't do this. Oh, no. No, you don't do this. I'm just trying to have fun, but now you're making it into a thing that's trying to make me feel better about myself, and it's not. No, no, no, no, no. But that's not really the point.

The point is— See, we're actually trying—so this is our last episode, as you know, Colin. And we are trying to do something that's more about truth and honesty. We want it to be about love. And so we've been leading up to this point. We told Spencer ahead of time to be like, sort of like lack confidence in yourself at the end. And then we go like, the real hero of this episode was Spencer. And then we tell him about love. I would say, Spencer, you have the most beautiful mind, and I am just in love with your imagination.

Your whole spirit. Yes. And Colin, it might help Spencer to hear that you're in love with him too. Oh, yeah. And it's nice to see him smile now because when I came into the room, he looked pretty like he'd been really beaten up for like half an hour. Gour. This is how he compliments people yeah and we said hey you look like shit before and i do feel loved yeah but i

mean and china's like oh it'd be nice if you told spencer you're in love with him and colin's like oh right oh yeah right oh yeah is that like the push for it because you do a sort of cockney colin and then that's more like a little monocle, like upper-class Colin. Well, I mean, that's sort of what you get when it's time to think and talk about love. You get very closed off and very much like a rich lord kind of. Yeah, for sure.

Who's like above that. And he still hasn't seen Wonder Woman. Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen Wonder Woman yet, Colin? She believes in love. Okay, yeah. That might help you a little bit.

Right. And he still hasn't told Spencer he's in love with her. And it's been like a really long time. And it's actually not that hard if you have a real open heart and if you are willing to just get raw on here and just say, hey, Spencer, I love you are willing to just get raw on here and just say, hey, Spencer, I love you. I'm in love with you.

It's pretty simple. Yeah, it's actually not that hard. Yeah, and it is clear that your hesitation doesn't mean you don't love me. No, it's he won't admit it to himself. He's not willing to let himself feel the love. That means that he feels it so strongly that he is scared of it. He thinks it's weak. And meanwhile, Wonder Woman's strong and is saying that she loves someone.

So it's like, how is it weak to say, hey, Spencer, I fucking love you. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for a long time. Try it, Colin. This is a disciplinary issue still. Yes, of course it is. Disciplining your heart for not letting you live a full life.

I love you, Spencer. Thanks. Wow, that was really powerful. Yeah, and say you're in love with him. I'm in love with you, Spencer. Look at him, not me. Yeah, don't look at me. Yeah, that's gross.

Come on. Sicking me out. We work together. That's freaking harassment. I'm sorry about that. I'm in love with you, Spencer. I'm in love with you, too. This is powerful.

I just feel so honest right now. This is a good last episode. And Brett's just sitting there. Yeah. Spencer, I feel like you make me like the man I want to be. And Brett's looking at me. I was worried you were getting jealous or something. But I'm in love with you, Spencer. This is – I don't think I've ever heard that many people say I love you before in my life, I think. In love.

This has really worked out for me. That's nice. Yeah, it feels really nice. Comfortable here. Not like feral audio. Spencer, I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you too, Brett. Yeah, and Brett, and you can take it easy.

So this is a really good last episode. It's all about love. We believe in love. And I love, you know, being in this room with all these brave, honest, strong men. All these strong cisgender white men who love each other and are afraid to say that. And in fact, we're so much stronger together as a group than we would ever be just walling ourselves off and keeping ourselves in a cage of masculinity

where we're not allowed to say that to each other. It's very freeing. Yeah. And I'm so happy to be spreading my love wings and soaring fighting Ares and soaring

through the sky yeah battling Ares is there like an end to the the quest that you said yeah

well I think the ending is just the ending of the movie Wonder Woman isn't it because you're in the theater and then you watch that and that's the end. So then we cut to me and I have been known to do the Bartman.

And then now it's like I was scared to do the Bartman earlier when they were going like, this guy, when he does the Bartman, Ares will crumble or whatever. And they cut to me and I just go like, yeah, go. You don't do the Bartman. No, why would I? The thing that everyone's expecting you to do. The thing they've been building me up to do, yeah. I won't do that.

And then what else? Yeah, what happens after the – oh, that's right. Everyone hugs. Yes. So they say that Ares was not the one who was causing all the war. But now that Ares is dead, the war is actually over, and they give each other a hug. Free hugs, baby.

Free hugs. Honk if you hug me. So that'll be good. Brett, do Beans have anything they want to sort of wrap up the quest with? I feel like there's not much for me to do as beans sort of like crust over a little bit. People think I'm barf. Okay, thanks for listening to Hollywood Town. Hey, Brett, I thought you were playing the beads, not talking about yourself.

And Colin, you might want to discipline Hayes because he just ruined Brett's life. I'd like to see you try. You wouldn't be able to. And that's a joke for me. I don't even have a show anymore. So we are going to Farrell Audio

with Spence. We are taking... Spence made a pretty compelling case that they get pretty raw and honest over there at Farrell. And a lot of the shit we do here is actually kind of fake. And like we're scared. And I suggest that with the shows that you guys are still doing here, that you do actually let people get raw and honest on the show. Instead of every time that people are actually trying to open up and like share themselves, running in and being like, stop the show.

These other new shows that you're doing. Just pawing at the board to get it to stop just because people are actually being honest. Colin, the secret new shows that you're doing that we're not going to announce right now, are they also shows that you poached from your old employer? Is that ethical? Were you just working at MaxFun and then one of their biggest shows follows you here a month later? Is that fucked up? Thanks, Sean.

Bye. Bye. I'm a horny girl wolf this has been an earwolf production executive produced by Scott Aukerman Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon for more information and content visit earwolf.com that was a hate gum podcast