Hollywood Handbook - Stavros Halkias, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

The Boys ask STAVROS HALKIAS to help them decide who should quit the podcast. Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode for free HERELike the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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the whole That's exactly what I expected. The whole fucking thing is rotten. So like, and we'll do the show and then we'll get it going. No, this is we want to get you up to speed just because this is so fucking dark. This is yeah, I'm not I'm not new to this town. It's kind of scary. So just just getting immediately no fucking idea. This immediately what I was scared of will eat you. Fucking nose to tail. I've been here 48 hours, man.

I'm itching to leave, man. I gotta be honest. I was hoping I was wrong. This thing chew your asshole like bubble gum, man. It will chew your asshole. I feel like I'm hanging in a fucking window in Little Italy and all the nonas are coming by to just fucking pick me over.

Oh my God. Eat every little last scrap of me. Every last nona is picking a piece off with her fucking withered fingers and just pop it in her mouth, a gratsi. I hate when they do that, man. They have those gnarled Italian fingers. Yes, just for picking.

Picking fingers. And it's not like a racist thing. They actually are for's no there's nothing Racist going on. There's nothing there. Good. I'm saying they're good Pieces of meat off. Yeah in that region they had grapes that were smaller And they had to kind of evolve longer like fucked up little hands having old Disgusting gnarled hands in honor. It's a bad honor

You know what I mean? You guys are like my. It's a badge of honor, you know what I mean? And you guys are like friends with them, or you know them? Well, yeah, Italians and Greeks, you're talking just ethnically, yes. Yeah, you guys are like. We are, they're Catholic heretics. So we obviously believe in the one true church,

the Greek Orthodox Church. So that. The main one, I love that one. That is a little problem we had. I knew there was one. That's the only issue. And also, they don't do flat, we do, we're not a big pizza culture.

And they don't barbecue enough for my taste, the Italians. They may be Italian-Americans do, but everything's in the kitchen. Go outside, get a little fresh air. Right? You know what I mean? And in fact, the Nona fingers, I don't know if you're in Jersey, they're getting regular.

Because they don't go outside and pick meat off anymore. They're not doing that. They're kind of becoming Americanized. Yeah, I'll dab them on, you mean like you dab them on and you feel their fingers and you're like, fuck, these are regular as fuck. These are just normal fingers. Yeah, you hear about people doing obviously like,

fill in the ethnicity face or whatever. Yeah, you hear about people doing obviously like, you know, fill in the ethnicity face or what? Right. But like now what we're seeing is these like, these like Jersey fingers, you know what I mean? Which is like they're pretending. They've been over here too long. Yeah. You know, and I'm not saying like go back,

but like do like, maybe spend a little time in both places. Is that the worst thing in the world? And that's what I'm saying. Stay with, you know, stay how you are when you come to this country. So now it's so bad to say let's honor our traditions and maybe even go all the way back.

Not that you have to, but maybe do. But it's an option you should have and you should really, really seriously consider. Yes, of course. You know, I think that. It's like take a good, hard, long look at it and maybe do it as well. Yeah, I mean that it's like take a good hard long look at it and maybe do it and well Yeah, I mean look at if we really if you just stop and think without all this take off the woke

glasses in the Dei helmet and the Liberal liberal, leftist jacket. Vest, waistcoat. The vest, the waist, the cummerbund and the sash, et cetera. And just be a person and just go, would it be kind of nice to go back?

Do I belong here? Is this feeling good? Right. Is it feeling good for me or anyone else? Right. Or am I a big bitch who's annoying? This is them right now you hear that oh man You hear those guys everywhere every single one yeah sorry let's get into it They've been talking all this fucking crap about me

The really the firefighters specifically and everyone's like oh like these are Hollywood firefighters Yeah, yes, okay, and. And so like the fires happen, someone's like, oh, they're so fucking great and they're now using that. I hate that. You know? Like they say, oh, this fucking shit about me. Just a little bit.

About you specifically. Just a little bit of breathing room. Yeah, a lot of the incarcerated firefighters actually have been going hard on Hayes. I see that. Oh, I saw that post you made about they don't they shouldn't get any money Or anything like that well for I mean look They should get money for some stuff

But for the firefighting you're saying I've been doing this thing you know how David Blaine can do all this Yeah, amazing stuff one of the greatest entertainers. Yes fucking psycho One of the greatest entertainers. He's fucking psycho. He's sick, dude. I love it, but I'm scared of some of it. Yeah. I think he's like, knows the devil or something because some of the shit that he's doing is like,

not human, not okay, but I'm riveted. But maybe, maybe he's just the most normal guy and he's just like testing the limits of what used to be like normal human endurance. And we've all got like basically Jersey fingers and we're just all like soft. Oh my God. So I've been kind of testing this shit out.

You know what I mean? Like, can I, can I reach these same frontiers? So I've just been lying face down in my pool to like see if I can get to that place. Just getting reps and just putting up shots every day. Exactly. Face down in the pool, yeah. How wrinkly your front can get.

All of that. Yeah. And it's gotten so boring to me that I'll basically fucking fall asleep in there. Wow, it's just like, it's so boring, I'm gonna fucking fall asleep, that's how bored I am.. It's just like, it's so boring, I'm gonna fucking fall asleep. That's how bored I am. It's nothing.

That's a good sign though, in terms of blaming yourself. Like if you're already getting bored by it. Cause he looks like so bored all the time. He's in that ice. Yeah. I heard he was actually sleeping. They had to edit, you know,

they did CGI on his eyes to make them look open cause he was actually just napping. The rest of it is real real the rest of it is real But the one special effect is they had to open his eyes Yeah, the entire thing he was so bored Yeah, and so they send these firefighters to come get me before I'm even done Oh my god in the middle of your training. Oh my god my training and so about people who are jealous of David Blaine Yeah, right the firefighters. They made their whole fucking job

Oh, I'm gonna do something dangerous Yes, but yeah, that's right Nobody pays tickets and now they stop any time nobody try to like test your endurance like they actually they say Stop to this. I think we all know and we need to get paid So this is my thing and you know, it's so fucked up about it, man It's even even the firefighters in this town need attention Yes, you were finally it had finally calmed down right there. We get it. It was bad. Thank you for putting them out Oh, it's what it's been a month And so now you're trying to get a look you're not even looking for judges one day

You're gonna be David Blaine. Check out this joke. Yeah. You're so damn thirsty firefighters, why don't you turn that big hose around and take a drink? They should. Because you want so much attention. They honestly should. They really fucking should.

Yeah. I'm so sure I can hear that. You can do the hydrant as the joke as well. That's good, man. And they're trying to take life off. Can I get that? Are you gonna use that? Dog.

Can we start going? We have started going. No, we should start soon. Because I'm on board, I need stuff, man. And they had said that you really, that he's gonna come in here and you really need some, I need stuff. Is the word out?

Yes. Can we not put this in? Because my act is dog shit right now. I have a new hour and I'm robbing these people in these theaters. Or you're generating a new hour every couple years or something. The hours get longer. The hours get longer.

It kind of feels like they're supposed to say it's an hour, right? But they get fucking long as hell. Expectations for these crowds, you know. I know. It's like, OK, it's OK. It's a theater. It costs $100 when you think about parking in a baby center and all that stuff. It's like, I don't have to have my shit completely buttoned up. Get off my dick.

My big niggas. And you could fucking laugh a little longer too. If I'm supposed to be up here doing this whole fucking show. That would fill the hour. That would fill the hour. If you would just laugh, if I could get six or seven joke-ish areas, and then you just laugh for a long time at them.

A minute of laugh, is that so fucking much to ask? It's healthy. It's healthy. it's healthy. It's good for you, you, ah-ha, your lungs and shit like that. Oh my God. Don't even get me fucking started, man. So I think I'm gonna do that. I think I'm gonna do the fire hydrant,

turn that into your mouth. You're gonna turn that, you're gonna do that one, yeah. I think, yeah. Yeah, I like, I think hydrants, it's more evocative. Hose is almost a little bit like, sounds like you're telling them to suck their own dick. Right. You know what I mean?

Which, yeah. Which isn't bad. Which I don't think, well. That's not bad. Yeah, now I'm realizing that's pretty funny. Now I'm thinking that might, maybe I go back to hose. Pretty good image. And then I'm like, hey, while that hose in your mouth, why don't you put your own dick in your mouth?

But there's something already in it. Okay, so. Why would that be the time? The hose would be the dick, that's what I was thinking, but. I'm saying take the hose, okay. Take the hydrant out of your mouth and stick your hose in it. Training.

Oh, not that hose. Take the hydrant out and stick your hose in it, not that hose. The hose on your dick. Or no, I guess your dick, not the hose on your dick. It's like being in an on-deck circle with a donut on your back. By the time you just stick your dick in there, it feels so easy. It feels easy. You have a whole hose hose you're sucking a whole fire hose. Yeah, you put a man's cock in there It's like nothing. That's good guys. So can we get going now, and I don't want any

No, I mean like going and you yeah you use I want people to think I have my shit together I want to talk about these I need one more second. Yeah, like fucking listening I didn't know what they were saying like because they speak Spanish, I don't know, is that racist? They were speaking Spanish, that's bad to say. That's just a fact, I guess facts are, just what happens is racist now? No, it is like, at this point,

to say that someone is speaking Spanish is all of a sudden they line up a fucking firing squad, and shoot you a million times in the chest with bullets. Just for saying what happened. So I get my ring camera footage and I take it to the library to ask them if it's even okay to ask what these guys are saying. Am I even allowed to ask?

And that's, you took it to the library, you plugged it into a computer at the library or you just showed it to... I just gave them the camera and said, you fucking figure out what's going on with this. Figure this out. Yeah, yeah. You know, you're a sweet poindexter. Right. You're supposed to have read all these books, you fucking figure out what you know about this. You know, you point Dexter,

you're supposed to have read all these books, you figure out how to. You're the information, you know. Okay, yep. And so they said that the firefighters are saying, mira es una goma, over and over again, mira es una goma, which is like, I guess it's like a woman with a big round ass.

Oh, shit. About me. Oh, what were you wearing? Look at the woman with the big round ass. Look at that woman with a big round ass. And so, I guess when I- But it's just that it's up high because you're in the water.

And I was like, why would they even say that? And the librarians are like, well, when you're face down at the pool, which is also on the Ring Camera footage, you end up drifting over to your pool filter area and the suction part of it is like your ass kind of gets sucked on for a long time while you're in there. Bumps up.

And so by the time, they're talking about, and you can see it right now. And the librarian was telling you this, that they have like, that happens to them or something? Or they just read a book about or they well I was just like They said this is what they're saying. I was like what the fuck are they talking about what they're obviously talking about Oh, yeah, so what they're seeing on the video figure round big juicy Still like yeah, they say like take a little spin like oh like it's it's still like whoa

Cuz my I got the filter that's like, you want the best filter. You got the best filter. So it's rated for a pool bigger than yours. So it's sucking harder. Yes, exactly. But it's like, okay, it's expensive to get the best filter. What's really expensive is not using the pool because it's dirty.

Yeah, that's when you're actually wasting money. So it's an investment to get a nice filter. And yeah, I guess technically it's rated for like an Olympic-sized swimming pool and what you have is a pretty thin. The grotto. Yeah. It's a thin, yeah.

It's a very skinny pool. So what are we saying, like three feet by eight feet? It's like a coffin. I mean, it's about the size of a, you know, which like David Blaine, honestly, would like this. Because it's like, I only need enough room to kind kinda go face down into it. I don't even need to be fully stretched out.

But you're, yeah you kinda, so your feet, if you stretched out, your feet would be out of it? I'm on my knees with like, kinda my shit sticking up in the air. Oh, so your ass was kinda icy. So the only, so if like, you're looking at it from a flat vantage point, all you would see

was a big juicy ass popping out. Just that, with getting sucked on. Sucked on by the filter, just absolutely juiced up. Sort of like vibrating, yeah. Oh right, with the. Yeah, with the filter. Flopping the skin around. You know, he's in like a mahogany pool.

Oh, it's mahogany, too It's not like oh, it's like cushioning inside Yeah, it's it's whoa that's a really this is a fucking wild town. I gotta say man you guys got mahogany Well the firefighters are crazy. They are and they're talking about your ass on your own property Points off of because they're jealous that you're blaming and you're gonna get you're gonna eventually get all this attention that these motherfuckers are still just for doing their job Yeah, we need to get to fucking New York. You got it. You know what I mean? You're like like this is where the real shit Fucking human beings man man. Absolutely. And pizza rats as well.

Oh dude, those little guys running around. But you're here, you're just here for a... Yeah, we going now? Yeah, you wanna go? Yeah, let's go. Can we kind of fire it up? One minute, yeah. Let's get it going.

One minute from now? Beautiful. Cool. Beautiful. Welcome to Hollywood Amber! Hey everybody, it's Ruth Sunderst,'s guy with the kicking butt and dropping names and red cover and light bag always this interesting. We call show biz, we got a wild one for you today.

It's gonna be a lot of fun. We're talking to my main man, Stavros. Stathy baby! Hey, how we doing guys? Come on bitch, get in here. We like to bust tops, we fuck around. You been fucking chicks? You been dropping the hammer on the fucking ass

Yeah, well I don't know if you guys know I'm on a tour and it's going good People are talking about how tight the hour is these whores can't get enough They're coming into the green room They're sucking on me you wouldn't believe the type of shit we're doing That feels so good when they do it with their mouth on your whole area. Yeah. And they specifically were talking about just how good the jokes are, how I don't need to add anything to the act. And that's what they love. And that's the rumor. The book on you is out.

My friend, what can I say? I'm blushing, but what can I say? Our. This is going to make you up. Not a wasted word. Yeah. Oh, it's sort of like, it's like the Hemingway of stand-up comedy. Just word economy.

So efficient. It hits you. Nothing showy. Nothing show off. You walk away blown away. Right. And blowing on something else. Well, if you're lucky. But yeah.

But. They can't all suck me. Well, that's right. Get in line, everybody. But there is something about it where it's so simple, so devilishly, deviously simple at first. Thank you so much for saying that. And you leave, and your whole brain just expands

in this way of like, oh my gosh, comedically, this guy is working on this entire other level. And you listen to this guy and you think, just a few years ago he's doing a podcast? Wait a minute, this is the podcast guy? I thought he was some goofball. Right, right, right.

And people walk away and they, I'm not necessarily going for the whole truth, you know, and mind expansion thing, but if it happens, what am I gonna do, stop it? Oops, changed your life, sorry. Oops, a whole new perspective. And that's the Dream Boat Tour tickets on sale now, go get them folks.

I'll never look at, and I don't wanna spoil any of your material, I want people to pay, I will never look at a Starburst package the same way you did. Thank you yeah. Well, I just want to say, why are there so many fucking yellows? Well, man, I mean, I don't want to get going, and thank you for not spoiling the closer, but.

But I literally, and that's just something that I encounter in my daily life, and from now on, every time I see it, I will tell you. I have never noticed that before. Count them up. There are more yellows than you think. And I still have it. I see it never I will notice that Did I did count them and it seemed normal to me and it's not always true but when it happens Okay, it's okay

It's when you just need a nice pink and red the most that you get yellow It feels like either I'll be going stop. Oh, I'm making my ass time or either. I'll be going Oh it is but I'm always gonna be you act, man. Or either I'll be going, oh, it is, but I'm always gonna be, you're gonna be with me. My buddy, stop, you're gonna be with me every time I eat. Oh. Yep. And that's what we're going for, man. Thank you so much for saying that. It's fucking wild.

And I just thank you for having me, fellas, truly. I'm trying to break into this. Oh, my God, I'll you honor me. And you guys are the senseis of this whole damn thing. Whoa. Hollywood handbook. With a new year comes the chance to reimagine ourselves for the better and importantly, our closets this year.

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See, I have- Which one's which? I hate that you just asked me that question because I was about to ask you the same damn thing. Which one is what vegetable? This is the problem with being such buddies with somebody. Mm-hmm. That sometimes you're so much the same that you need someone else

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thrivemarket.com slash the boys. I'm in my thrive era. Whoa. Hollywood hamster. We're trying to break into this too. And then I actually wanted to talk to you about, because you were doing this podcast for all this time with some buddies.

Yep. With your buddies, right? It's just the buddies fucking. Just buddies hanging out. Chopping it up. Oh, somebody brought a mic in here. Okay. I guess.

I'm gonna do the same shit. I always do And but and then what ends up happening you you start going on tour you doing movies, right? Let's start a cult on your TV tires Yeah, sure. It's a whirlwind. It's like, you know, yeah, it's not you know, I guess the fucking equivalent It's a web series for like glorified YouTube. Yeah fucking web series. It's a fucking glorified YouTube channel. Yeah, in some ways it's a glorified YouTube channel for sure. It's on the fucking computer, it's a web series. Okay, that's not TV to me.

It's close, it's not TV. We do not do Mindy and whoever the fuck's first, George and Mindy's first marriage. We're not doing those kinds of numbers. George and Mindy's first marriage. We're not doing that type of shit. And listen, I'm the first to admit that. But it's still pretty cool to just be a guy.

I'm just a humble East Coast guy trying to come into Hollywood, trying to see the Hollywood senseis. George Pataki and Mindy Kaling get married on a TV show. I was shocked. Yeah. And to open it with just a hardcore penetrative intercourse was, because it is quite the image. You have to admit. Not what I'm used to seeing on network TV.

She goes, guess I won't be wearing white. You know what I mean? I'm just kidding. Oh man, that was awesome. Yeah. No, that was interesting, but it's like, it's a hard joke right away. It drops me into the world. It wakes you up.

You know what I mean? That's a hot cup of coffee, you know, he says. And, and- After he nuts? Yeah, right after he finishes nutting from his member. But so I get, it's like, for me it's like, I'm watching you do this and I'm like, when do you know when to not do the podcast anymore?

When to start doing, to launch, the podcast anymore, when to start doing... To launch, to transition into bigger... A movie or TV stuff, and how did you decide which one of you was gonna go do that? Right. Well, okay. We actually did rock, paper, scissors. And so we had all decided it was over, and we said rock, paper, scissors, And so we had all decided it was over,

and we said rock, paper, scissors, who doesn't get any Patreon money anymore? And I was trying not to be the guy. But I did lose. I did lose, and I did lose all the Patreon money for years. We're now back, you know? We now come town as an archive.

Check it out. We record after finishing. That's awesome. I'm trying to be a fucking archiver. And that's the thing. I'm looking to get in my archive era. Right. I'm selling God to send me the fucking arc to, you know, like, sail me out of here. You know what I mean? And look, probably will it make any money?

No, because what kind of person just keeps paying for something that there will be nothing new of, I guess we're gonna find out soon. That's what rocket money's for. Yeah, I hear they do really good, when you have subscriptions, they were really good at cleaning up. But this always happens to me, I'm like,

this is probably not gonna make any money, then I check my fucking Charles Schwab app, oops. Uh oh. Through the roof. That must be good, and that's the kind of shit I'm here to learn too, is like, you guys are fuckin', you're investing, you're doing all this type of shit. Oh my God.

I'm a simple, I'm a stand up that accidentally did a couple things. You fell into the damn thing. I don't want to do my money. I'm in here, I'm scared. I will admit this, I'm afraid of Los Angeles. And I just, I'm afraid someone's gonna try and take advantage of me to put me on, cause like you said, I'm on a fuckin', I'm on someone's gonna try and take advantage of me for to put me on it on

Cuz like you said I'm on a fucking I'm gonna say I'm on a YouTube fucking web series Yeah, someone gonna make me get pussy to get on TV. I'm scared of that kind of shit You know what I mean? They say a lot of the times on TV with the TV deal They're like we're gonna give you a bunch of money, but actually they take every take it all from they take it all they rob you They know you guys have experienced that right fucking like home invade you the whole shit Yeah, like gun up your nose. Oh fuck. Where is it? I take your celebrity network and they already took it all they already took it all they still send the home invaders But I've done gun up your nose.

Just as a reminder, if you get anything else, we're taking ours, too. And they do this thing where when you're getting ready to go on, they're like, hey, your nose is looking a little tiny. Really? They tell you that? You might need to get the holes expanded a little bit.

That's what looks good on TV these days. It's going to really pop on camera. If we could get those nose holes a little bit, that's what audiences really respond to. Hold. It's gonna really pop on camera. If we could get those nose holes a little bit. That's what audiences really respond to. Hold on. They're just making room for the, yeah. Are you guys, they do that to a lot of people.

I was just, I was just, I think I did a general with Jash and they were telling me I have to get my nose big as fuck. Are they still around you or did I admit? I wish you'd called me before you talked to Jash. Oh fuck. If only we could've gotten there before you got to Jash. Fuck dude. Contrastually they have. But they meet you, they meet you when you're. Oh, fuck. If only we could've gotten there before you got to Jas. Fuck, dude. Contrastually, they have.

But they meet you when you're getting off the plane. Jas is there with the stave written on the whiteboard. And actually, now that I'm thinking about it, it really was just a guy at the plane. Yeah. And the meeting was at a Mendocino Farms. It wasn't really in an office or anything like that. Yeah.

And we don't have that on the East Coast. I'm star-struck. You don't, no. What the fuck is Mendo? You know what I mean? I'm like, is Tom Cruise gonna come? Is Tom Cruise gonna farm where they grow Cuban sandwiches? And so he's got me.

It's short for Mendo-metriosis. Oh no. Like they're actually farming. Oh fuck dude. It's like fucking Wuhan in there. He had the calipers out, he was looking at my nose. I thought that was just what it takes. Well this town man. I'm so happy we did, dude. It's like fucking Wuhan in there. He had the calipers out, he was looking at my nose. I thought that was just what it takes. Well, this town man.

I'm so happy I got, I'm so happy we did this, dude. This town man, check this out, ass grass or jash, nobody gets to perform for free, you know? Oh my God. That's just the way they do it. I don't know if you got off easy or hard with that one, but you got, yeah, you got a, you owe them their pound of flesh.

Yeah, you gotta get out of here. And it's nose flesh, it's nostril-wise. It's not, and I have a pretty big nose already, but. I'm not gonna, I don't like that. There's no hole big enough for that. I've stopped talking about who does or doesn't on the show, have any particular features, big nose. You know

crazy eyes Cranial diameter disgusting feed or gross greasy skin Some people are coming in here just like it's like they're begging us to talk about it. Oh god these Some people are coming in here just like it's like they're begging us to talk about it. You know, I mean these Stinky fucking scum everyone who comes in here and you're real. Yes. I'm so sorry to hear my stomach I go can I at least talk about it on the show, but it's like no you're not supposed to anymore That's so fucked up because they're kind of they're muzzling you and you're one of the last voices we have that is

Actually talking about what's going on in here and I I'm literally just looking and saying what I see, which I guess used to be legal. It's hard to remember, but yeah, thank you. Yeah, no, of course. Yeah, I'm saying what I see. And we're talking about like John O'Hodgman. Yeah, dude. He's got...

What I thought was a Coke toenail, just from looking at it. And you have the same camera angle that we have on your podcast, I've noticed, where you get the whole thing. You get the whole thing. Yeah, I mean, that's what they're paying for. Of course.

So Hodgman's out here, toes out? Oh yeah. He's out here with one, I mean, it's busted through his Keds. He's got like such a long, and I thought it was the Coke. He's got a pair of Keds, and he's, I guess cut a hole around it, but it doesn't, looks like it started by it, just it frayed so much from the toenail.

And first thing I said, I said, do you wanna take that off? Do you want me to take that for you? Like I have my hand out. The shoe. No. The toenail? No, his big ass fucking schnaz. Here I go again. But I go, I thought he's wearing the fucking prosthetic

from Maestro or some shit. I'm like, oh, okay. I go, hey, you want me to hold that for you while we do the show? Because we film it. I know you don't want to look like that. He starts, he's like, this is my real face. And just like, I was a PC, you know?

And it's just like, right to the PC. Right to the PC. Instantly, instantly. Because he acts like he's's just like, when I go right to the PC, instantly, instantly, you know. Because he acts like he's done with it, but when push comes to shove, he drops it. It's just this thing that he fell into. It's like, no, when it serves him, that's weird. And I could tell, now he's mad at me

for not bringing it up, like right away, so he has to do it. Yeah. God, fucking honker on that guy's face, man. I could barely look at it I was like if he fucking sneezes this whole operation is going under. Mm-hmm find a new location for head gum He's a Christ man. This guy's fucking face has an active volcano You're I could not believe the side

If my I don't I'm not supposed to talk about this anymore. Wait, do you want to shut down for a minute? Are you looking for some stuff to do about John Hodge? I was gonna say, if my hour wasn't as tight, I would take this and run with it, man. And so just in case if anybody comes to a show and they happen to see that I did five minutes on a guy with a big nose. I had that already.

I'm not stealing this. I already had this kind of thing. So it's just like, just guys that are sort of, yeah. You know what I mean? And just like, you can, obviously, I'm not even supposed to talk about it. So like if you want to use it, it's like, we probably should cut it out because, you know.

Yeah, okay, well if we're gonna- I think I just went in from Paris and I was like, did you bring the Eiffel Tower with you? God damn it in the middle of your fucking face, man. That's good. Yeah Yeah, I was like oh Jesus Christ this guy has a runny nose in here I'm gonna need a lifejacket because so much liquid would come out of this big thing But I I shouldn't say it you know and the nail was so big I thought is cuz he has to do so much more blow.

For that schmosh. He's got just to. To match up with the size of the. Feed his appetite, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he said it's for mescaline. He's taking mescaline with his toenails? I didn't know that you even needed a nail for it.

I don't really know. I'm not into that type of shit. That wacko Hollywood shit. That's not for me, man. But I guess it's like goo, I don't really know. I'm not into that type of shit. That wacko Hollywood shit. That's not for me, man. But I guess it's like goo, I guess it comes in kind of like a goopy form. Oh cool. Like it's like, that helps you measure the.

Oh it's interesting. Yeah, I mean educational. Academically I'm interested in it. I'm a curious guy, you know? And so I like, that's the kind of thing about standup. And you said you're not allowed to say it, that's sort of like, well, we're sort of like these warriors on the frontier and we're the only ones

that are kind of, we're beating them back with our swords and instead of swords, you know, it's not a physical sword, it's like jokes about groups with big noses and stuff like that. Yes, but you're actually, the sword is made out of truth, which is the only thing more powerful than steel That's so fucking true lunging it into the center of the audience's chest These are incredible insights and I know you guys are heavy Hollywood insiders that kind of thing

You should think about putting together a one-man show. I worship stand up. I love stand I'm not brave enough to do it you and just the sword up there and that's what we've been talking That's basically what you did is take your podcast and like turn it into a one-man show Which which one do it like which like right do it cuz and rock-paper-scissors We're not gonna work to Like synced up on that shit If you did so you tell me you guys play rock-paper-scissors do it like two hours You would do scissors every time?

Yeah, same thing. Wow. Same thing. So how long have you guys done the same? You feel how tired we are? Yeah. We've done it all the time. You've been doing, you've tried this.

Unbeknownst to you, that that's how we decided who quits Comptown. You guys have been trying to do this. We've been trying. We just needed something that seemed fair. Right. It's like, it's too fair because we already know, like, it's gonna be scissors. Yeah.

And no one's ever thought to not do scissors? The first person who does it, that's a fucking death sentence. Because then it could be paper. Yeah. You're so fucking... We're gonna decide at the same time to not do it one day. Yeah. And let's, I imagine to not do it one day. Yeah. Unless, I imagine we'll probably both go paper.

Yeah, damn, and then it's all, the whole cycle starts over again. Because I want him to, like, look at this. Yeah, I would love. Have you seen this guy? I would love to put this guy to have his own thing, to be thriving, because you talked about a one-man show, what we have now is like a two-man show,

kind of like a three and a half man show in some ways, and it's really not cutting it in terms of feeling good about it. Right, right, right, right. And so I'd love for this guy to finally get a win. Kind of do his thing, yeah. And this guy, I mean, it needs to be now. It's gonna happen, it's gotta be right now.

I didn't want to say that, I came a little early and you were both actually in the bathrooms crying separately. And so it felt like there was, this is about the fire. You should have seen what was going on before that. No, the crying is the last step. Thank God. You kind of pulled it together. You came in when you did, we were just crying in there.

Well, I don't know, I just heard sobs and that's okay. We're every, you know, you're artists, you're feeling your emotions is such a big part of it. So that's okay. Your artists, your feeling, your emotions is such a big part of it. So that's why there are two in there. And they were very into, here they were very into a gendered bathroom thing. Right.

Shut up. He said, can I say this? And that's our guest who asked that. You can say this. I really appreciate it. I was gonna say, if stand-up feels and and I think you're right We're incredibly brave and it's the kind of art form that people should respect first and foremost I have you know what I get sometimes learning at the air. Yeah 100 years ago

You would have been on the fucking Joan of Arc and still making them laugh up there on the way out Yeah, and so if you don't that's just an audience talk about star They don't know what starburst is probably back. No, but we could have. They get the eyes or something. Yeah. There's probably something with meat pie. Just like the, it's like, oh, there's rat. I get these pies. Yeah. I wanted meat. Why are they always radish pies? Radish. Something like that. I'll do a little more research. And that's the thing that people don't know about.

So there's a lot of research involved, right? They don't see that. Like the guy who does fucking Nosferatu or whatever, how he reads about all the shit, the director, we're like that with our jokes. And so Eggers, yeah, we're sort of like that. I am anyway, because I take it seriously, right? So I was going to say, if you guys...

Well, Eggers can't be choosers. That's so true. That's also true. And you have, that's good. You know, you've been on the board with a couple bangers. I guess can't be choosers. That's so true. That's also true and you have that's good You know you've been on the board with a couple bangers Eggers can't be choosers. You're catching up It's not a condom so I'm sorry It's a soccer game burn burners so I'm gonna say This is an offensive explosion. This is a fucking insane game.

I'm gonna say, it's pulpy cold. These guys are on goddages out there. Stand up feels too hard. I left my body this episode. Yeah. Yeah. Have you considered clowning maybe? Cause it's really.

That's red hot. It's red hot. That's red hot. It's such a great expression. It's so, you know, it's powerful stuff. And I think you guys, if it's a place to start, it's a place where, you know, it seems like for people that improv is too demanding. Not naked enough.

And yeah, not naked enough. You don't show your tits. They're sometimes kind of naked up there. And sometimes they stumble on punchlines by accident when they do improv. That's amazing. And if that's scary to you, consider clowning. Sometimes they're sometimes kind of naked up there. And sometimes they stumble on punchlines by accident when they do improv. And if that's scary to you, consider clowning.

Because they do not seem to have those hangups, you don't have to worry about it, and you can kind of take the time to craft your sword. If the truth sword's not, and if the forge isn't even hot yet. You got a lot of time up there because you're not really having to say stuff necessarily. You're up there the whole,

you could be up there for a whole night and all you're doing is folding the sword. Right, folding the sword. If Lenny were with us today, I can't even fucking imagine. You imagine if Lenny were up here. And that's your, I know you're a stand up, that's your fucking god.

How I started is I would buy Lenny Bruce box sets and I would pretend to understand what he was talking about. I would listen to jokes about Dwight Eisenhower and I would be in my car going, ha ha ha ha ha, hoping somebody overheard me. And the cops show, the cops immediately, as soon as you put it in the CD, woo! Absolutely, cause it's dangerous, man.

They can't even just let him be dead. They can't let him die. Hand it over, young man. Yeah, you know why I pulled you over? Because of the dangerous comedy you were listening to. Yep. Right? That is sick. And that was Miss Maisel, too. I can't believe they put that shit on TV.

That? It's not on TV, it's a fucking web series. Right, right, right, but even that. But letting it go on that. Yeah impressive. Oh my god Yeah, that shook me up because see any of the things they were willing to write Oh, yeah, Bill Bill I feel like you know after Lenny was gone, but they can't let him think they will bill They just kind of railroaded him. I don't see any proof that he did that stuff

Like we don't really know. Show me the proof. Show me the proof. No one, like literally no one has just sat me down. Well, I've said this about so many of these, you know, and I'm not gonna do quotes here, but so many of these are crimes that I hear about. Sit me down, actually set a calendar item for me.

Rent out an entire theater and give me and my friends a couple days in there. Give us some food and stuff and maybe some really comfy chairs. And all of it, yes. And just make a whole presentation. Of the proof, yeah. And just show us proof of like all this stuff

that I'm hearing about, all these like crimes and some of this other stuff that I guess has been happening that I just haven't really seen proof of this. Right. Am I, you know, and we've talked about getting into this, but am I crazy? Can I ask questions? You can, that's still legal for now.

Can I ask a question and just see if you have an answer for me and can that be okay? Or do I have to go to jail just for asking the question about why the guy I like is in jail? Goes all the way up to the cops, right? And we're back to the cops, and we're back to firefighters. Yes. And everybody's jealous of entertainers

is really what it comes down to. That's what it is. And I hate to just. They hate us because they ain't us. I hate to peel it back like this, but it just fundamentally. That's what I say to her. Mm-hmm. That's what I say when I take my force. That's what I say to her. That's what I say to my wife.

Yeah, I roll it back. And to roll back the old. Yeah, but man, really, it's like this has been really good because I just, I feel like I understand the industry a little more. This has been fucking awesome. Yeah. We had Hodgman in here and it was honestly like. Death.

Yeah. Just, it's just, it's just, it's enough, man. We get it. You know? You know what I mean? And I don't know the guy, and I don't wanna come in to this fucking town. Yeah.

He didn't wanna do any of that. He was like, oh. He was like, hey, can we stop? Right. Guys, enough, okay, with the third rail stuff. Right. I'm like, Jonathan. He hated that.

He hated that. I'm surfing on the third rail. That's where I'm at. That's so awesome. I have a board that uses electricity, and I'm on the fucking third rail. That's amazing. That's what, and that's really again.

I don't imagine that. A board, dude. An electric board. An electric board. An electric board. Some sort of electric board. This is the kind of shit you think of, you're not even, you're just a fucking comedian.

You don't even do science. You just invented an electric board. That runs on the third rail. A warrior with a truth sword, philosopher, modern day preacher. I don't think home saints, like basically you're like the religious guys. Yeah, and I feel that definitely. When I'm in a theater and it's just like...

You done that show? What's that? You done that show? Have you made it weird yet? I have not made it weird. You haven't. And I am looking forward to make it weird. I'm looking forward to get into God and all that kind of shit.

Dude, yes, because we have that, you know, all communities... Looking forward to make it weird. I'm looking forward to get into God and all that kind of dude. Yes Because we have that you know all all community talking about this and he said it's because stop process still using shampoo I'm not using modern mammals You got our time to evolve Yeah, you know it's so crazy look I just look at my calendar and it looks like Star Wars music show, boo. This is nuts, because I had that book. I was gonna make it weird last year,

around the Netflix festival. It was on the thing. I put out an Instagram story where you can see some Pert Plus in the background. I'm talking minutes later, I got an email that said, you might notice, when you start to really make make it in this business you taking a shower you hear a little drill sound And you see a camera being snaked in there. Oh fuck. That's what that is. That's so scary I'm just not making this I wear the

Right like hot cold. Yeah. Yeah where the hot, cold lever used to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a big, big, big, hot, it used to be, so there's no lever anymore. Just a big eye, there's no way to control the water anymore. No way to change the temperature ever again. Fuck, dude. It's a little disconcerting when it happens the first time,

you know what I mean? But that's Uncle Pete keeping an eye on you, quite literally, and you're gonna wanna make sure you got the right products. Yeah, well, I'm, you know. Modern mammals, though, your hair could look like his. That one. That's a curse, too, because for me, for years,

he was just like, that's the hair guy. You know? Right. Like, it was more about his hair than it was about the hat. The preaching, the actual message, the sermon. I really do want to get to preacher level. I've right now I've only topped out at philosopher truth teller and the next level is preacher when it comes to stand up.

I love hearing you say that being humble, knowing that you got a little further to go. Yeah, I have more to go. Look, your hour is damn near perfect. Thank you. And a lot of people are saying that yeah damn near and some little rolls on reddit are fucking He's getting up these in an hour. He told eight jokes And he you know he kept asking me where I got my shirt And I told him and he didn't really have a comeback for it and those guys are just kind of mad Because they probably it doesn't

have to honest yes can I be honest for a second they probably just please do they're probably just like it just pisses me off I can't even they're just like so freaking like you don't have to have like a perfect thing like it didn't have to be crowd work Like in the moment like on stage like that would be satisfying for them It's like they don't want to hear it because the way these guys are it sounds like from what you're describing They're like they might not even be they wouldn't even get that's the thing I'm doing them a favor not having the perfect thing will blow their fucking evil mom You don't even want to hear me come up with something about you. Because if I did, you'd be fucking what?

And that, by the way, like I was saying. That drive home and take them straight off a bridge because they wouldn't be able to live anymore if you told them the truth about them. Because it sounds like they're like freaking like something's wrong with them. There's so much freaking wrong with them. And so, by the way, what I was saying is like, if you see a post like that, that didn't happen, and I did have something good. I don't read that stuff.

And everyone laughed hard as fuck. I don't read that stuff. And they talk about like, this is so fucking stupid. Like some people take sips of water and you like drink a whole bottle of water. Whenever you go back to the bottle, you're taking the whole thing. Yeah, that is a thing,

and I do take bathroom breaks sometimes, in the middle of the hour. And what am I gonna do? I'm a fucking human being. I can't take a fucking piss. This is truth in reality. My shit is raw. I'm Lenny. I'm fucking Bill. Yeah. Lenny, you said it was an hour and that's all you said. All you said was it was an hour. I drink eight fucking straight deer parks. I'm not gonna have to piss. Come on.

You know, and I'm- And the venue should be ready. They take so long to get up there with the water. They put something in that stuff. Yeah, it's so good. Deer park, it goes down smooth. I call it deer piss. Hey, come on, dude.

Hey, come on, that's not my favorite. Can we chill? I drink modern mammals up there. You drink- I'm not drinking deer park. I'm trying to get my hour going. Right. I mean, I need to shake the right hands.

Right, interesting. Rub the right, shampoo bottles. So you're trying to put your, so you're already kind of scheming. Sounds like you want your hour. I've been itching to get my own thing going. And what I want to do a little bit,

and I've seen you guys do some of this, is you kind of present as these, it's like you're like, I'm just some guy, I'm just some scumbag, you know what I mean? But then all of a sudden, you'll have kind of like a very, if you get pinned down, you'll have a sort of accurate, incisive political take or something. And so I'm gearing up to that part.

Because I feel like I present. I can present the one way. But then when I actually get pinned down as far as I got is like, I go, oh man, come on. Obama was a goofball, dude. Oh yeah, and he is. But it's the like, oh this guy's actually kind of smart. Like, yeah I need that piece where it's like but it's the like oh this guy's actually kind of smart like right? Yeah, I need that piece where it's like that's important

Why am I saying that you know? I mean because I because I Just said it but like I don't have a reason to think that sure And I don't think other people do which it could be good if they don't but then I've got to really show them like oh You weren't looking at this And I don't even know if that's the best person to be show them like, oh, you weren't looking at this. And I don't even know if that's the best person to be talking about anymore. Right, yeah. Yeah, I mean, my Romney stuff still kills, personally.

You can still kind of keep it going. I think there's no reason to. That's awesome. There's no reason to. And you can kind of like zig and zag on it, so people are like, does he like him? Or does he not like, what's his even point? Yeah.

And what I like to do is the last time I heard somebody have an opinion, if I'm on a podcast, somebody asks me, I pretty much just say what the last opinion I heard on the topic was. So like, you know, if the election comes up and I happen to be on the Uber, there's a radio and they were saying the Democrats didn't appeal to their base.

I'll say that. If I'm on like anyone's pie. Just whatever it is. They didn't, right? Yeah. You know, yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah. The last guy I listened to said they did.

So actually they did. Oh. Well, yeah, the issue wasn't that they didn't appeal to their base. Right. But then I don't know what I say next. Yeah. Then I should have what the issue is. Right. But then I don't know what I say next, you know? Yeah, and it's. Then I should have what the issue is.

Well, one thing I like to do is I, when you say something vaguely that's kind of point shaped. Do it. Feels like a point. And then you personally attack whoever you're speaking to. Do it for me. Yeah, you know. Do it. Oh, yeah, oh, you think they appeal to their base, you fucking little green hat bitch

Don't okay. Don't do it like that. Okay, Jesus What you pay money for it's powerful go see this guy was great comedian actually yeah, like just I'm sorry It did it was it uncovered when I unsheathed the sword look away if you're not fucking ready to see the truth sword I am little green hat on and got damn, but even then back in there where they're doing wars and stuff They had rules you weren't allowed to say that baby. This is the fucking wild west You know we're actually waiting in a line before we run at each other in the big war and now here's this guy fucking Just running out here maybe eating maybe that's tinsel town but on the stages right on the floor New York in the clubs there ain't no fucking rules of so this is the table I've heard about table this is the game I'm finally at the table this is him at

a yeah I well I would say watch a little tough crowd Watch some of your favorite comedians Some of those yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're out there on YouTube. It'll help it'll help Yeah, that could be actually good for me because I am having trouble kind of hanging when I talk to a lot of other comedy people Yeah, I get really upset and shut up for one second so I can talk right you know I mean yeah I that's what I'd be like on the tough crowd mm-hmm well Can you let me fucking talk for one second that would work I go guys Okay, guys not everybody knew what we were gonna be talking about had a whole thing okay? right

So give me one second Right. Yeah. Give me one second to think about this. Is it not being broadcast right now, right? Can I just have like 15 or 20 minutes alone? Yeah, man. And I don't know that that would work. I would gotta stick with the personal attacks.

I would stick with a, again, half thought out, sort of point, and go with a personal attack. And just stick the, you know. But can you imagine if we still had Tough Crack, like how much you would fucking crush on that? You'd be hitting like 600 on that fucking girl. One of my great, one of my great, you know, one of my great sorrows is that I will never.

They should bring it back. And I would definitely crush, you know, Patrice O'Neil definitely wouldn't hate me if he knew me, that's for sure. I definitely crush, you know, Patrice O'Neil definitely wouldn't hate me if he didn't hate me, that's for sure. I definitely wouldn't get bullied, and I definitely haven't been bullied by all those guys in my real life. I've never been made to feel really bad

by Colin Quinn or Robert Kelly in my life, never. They, I would definitely crush on that show for sure. That's cool. Just knowing that your heroes would like you. Would like me. I'll tell you a story about David Tell right now. Bye. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Hollywood handbook. That was a hate gum podcast.