Hollywood Handbook - Stephen Malkmus, Our Pavement Friend

Episode Date: June 10, 2019

The Boys and Engineer Brett pitch STEPHEN MALKMUS new songs for the show Flaked.To buy Hollywood Handbook merch on Amazon, go to Amazon.com and search PODSWAG. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace ( www.squarespace.com/THEBOYS  code: THEBOYS), Mack Weldon ( www.mackweldon.com  code: THEBOYS), Away ( www.awaytravel.com/theboys20  code: THEBOYS20), and Robinhood ( www.HANDBOOK.robinhood.com ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I'm out in the dunes with Priyanka Chopra and one of the Jonas guys, and we're putting huge wheels on the buggy. How big are we talking about? Well, what's the scale you want to work from? Like, how do you want to picture it? Do you want me to say the name of a large animal that it would be compared to? Or do you want actual measurements?

I'm thinking of from like micro machines, wheels, that's my minimum. Okay. To like brontosaurus. You want, okay, to brontosaurus. Okay. To like brontosaurus. You want, okay, to brontosaurus. Yeah. So you do want to do animals. Yes.

But just the smallest animal you could think of as a micro machine. Yeah. Okay. It's about the size of 100 frogs. Okay. Yeah, that's big. Wild jumping. Okay.

And they are, we're doing it. We're trying to get unstuck. We're out there. We've been out there all day and all night. And I finally decide, screw it. Let's just have a barbecue. Oh. So at any rate, it was a good time.

Priyanka obviously doing great ever since. And the Doom Buggy caught fire and exploded. So we are here. I'm here with Brett, the engineer. And I'm here with Steven, the music supervisor from the show Flaked. Hello. Hello. Hi.

So good to have you. It's so good. It's good. Do you want to run any tunes by me? We're still looking for the elusive season three of Flaked to take form. Okay, yeah. So, well, absolutely. So Brett is probably going to be auditioning a little music later. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. He's been trying to get an online petition. You know how some people want them to reshoot season eight of Game of Thrones because they don't like how the story went?

I think Brett wants to redo the music for Flakes in the same way. He wants to kind of reshoot it with his own ideas. It's possible. I would listen to, you know, I'm open to new things and new soundtracks, new ideas from Brett. Oh, that's good to hear. Yeah. I just happened to bring my guitar.

Oh, my God. Did you have it? Yeah, it's kind of crazy. So, Brett, why don't I just run sort of a scene description by you, and you could tell me how you think it would sound, and then Steven can kind of weigh in on whether that works for him. I mean, it is still his job. Yeah, just feel free to give me whatever notes you want. So when Chip becomes Topher's sponsor,

Topher played by Christopher Minsplas, McLovin from Superbad, and he's only becoming his AA sponsor because he's hoping that Topher, who is like a tech billionaire, will give him $4 million to save his failing Venice furniture store. What would that sound like? That's a lot of information. Like. How's that feeling? Is that the direction?

I don't want to get too far. It's a little Budweiser-y than what I was thinking. I was thinking something a little more. What kind of drink are you kind of looking for? Just like a craft beer sound. Okay. Okay. I think it's just the. Maybe a little more yingling than Budweiser.

Right. I think the tone is just weird. Okay. Yeah. I'm just, I'm still getting warmed up. Okay. All right.

All right. Would you, would you like to have another scene? Would that help? Uh, sure. Yeah. We can go back to that one.

Okay. So chip and Dennis are fighting over a girl named London whose brother Chip killed in a DUI accident years ago. But actually it was his famous actress wife Tilly, played by Heather Graham, who was driving the car, and Chip just took the rap. And so it's playful. Playful?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Now, Brent, and actually, Stephen, maybe you can answer this. That's good. Should it sound like the guitar is asking me a question? Should it sound like the guitar is going, is it okay if I sound like this? I mean, the show does have a little bit of uncertainty in it. Sure, yeah.

I would just say that was just a little too on the nose. Okay, Brett. Sometimes I get that. Maybe subvert our expectations a little bit. Maybe you've heard that before in your comedy writing careers. Oh, God. Unfortunately, I have. I don't know if you saw the show Ghosted, but I wrote episode five, Lockdown. And there were some moments that played a little bit too close to what the audience expected. And other moments that really we nailed. So basically when Chip ditches out on his buddy Cooler,

who is George Basil from Crashing, playing basically the same character, this guy, he plays Leaf on Crashing, Brett. Yeah. Cooler's obviously a nickname. Steven, do you know if Flake takes place in the Crashingverse? What do you mean? So crash so crashing is a series

on hbo yeah that starred pete holmes the comedy sex god and he had uh a person named he was cuckolded by a name guy named leaf played by the same actor who played cooler behaving in the same way but he so he's cooler possibly nickname. Well, I don't know. I mean, that's definitely low. I'd have low self-esteem being cucked by a cooler. Yeah, well, no kidding. And I think at that point in the story, Pete does. The ultimate.

Cucked by a cooler has like a ring to it. I don't know. Okay. And maybe that, yes. And maybe that's the band that you perform with. Yeah. So anyway, Chip ditched out on Cooler's open mic show. And what did that sound like?

All right. This is working for me yeah this is working for me do you want me to keep going no oh steven one of the first times i saw you was on the television show space goes coast to, where they introduce you as the Beatles, and you did not correct them. Does this seem rude? Does that seem rude? That I didn't correct them, or that they called us the Beatles? I was a little bit offended to be associating with a limp act. Yeah, they suck. So they tell you not to bring you know, bring the vibe down.

Right. When you're on network TV. When you get to the space station. Yeah. Cartoon network TV. Okay, right. All right. So I was just wondering if you thought that was rude.

Apparently you're fine with it. Although we are going to do something rude to you. I'm going to introduce you to my co-host Hayes now Hayes are you there? Hayes is here so Stephen hi Stephen what's up?

the Beatles their son is here comes the sun Julian Julian got any notes on that? I know that song okay great perfect so Stephen a while ago I read an article

about you that said you were probably the only popular rock vocalist who also sounded like you were doing the New York Times crossword puzzle while you performed. And I thought, I wonder if we could do that. So I've sent my co-host Hayes to New York to do the New York Times crossword puzzle during the podcast. He's not singing though. He's not singing, but to be fair, you're singing stuff you already came up with. Whereas on the podcast, he has to just do his thing.

Yeah. Exactly. I have to just do my thing. Hayes, are you seeing anything? That's my number one rule. Yeah, man. I mean, do you remember when singing used to be in the old movies? That was like a confession for the...

Which movie? You know, when you're being interrogated yeah he's singing he's singing singing like a canary yeah yeah why do you add that yeah okay yeah it's just bringing it up to and now when they're singing today they're doing a confession it's i'm using freaking auto-tune yeah that's the confession nowadays you do have some sort of accent is that auto-tune yeah my voice no i was actually so i was performing as a modern singer when i said i'm using auto-tune i'm not using that myself i was inhabiting the role of singers today who, you have to admit, are just always using auto-tune. Have you seen this?

Do you admit that? Yeah, no. It's popular. And people tend to try to make songs that people like, and then it creates a snowball. Kind of like the jokes you do on the show, the ones that work. Yeah. You keep doing them.

Keep doing them, yeah. We've got two or three jokes that we've done almost every episode, and those, I would say, are snowballs. They're avalanches. Snowballing. And then the rest are, I guess, melting as they touch the atmosphere. Global warming, icicles. Yes, it's topical, and we love the Earth.

Everyone knows about that. So I wanted to ask you a little bit about, and Hayes, you can just keep doing this. And can I get somehow, just as I'm going, can I ask a couple questions on these things? Some of these are so weird. Okay. Do you do these, Stephen?

Do I do puzzles? Across the words, yeah, I do. You're really doing one. I thought you were just metaphorically doing one for the show. I am. Can I just give you? Yeah, it's what day is it that your puzzle is, as you know, as you're boning up for your performance today they get

harder as the week goes on okay i this one is ripped out of the thing all right so no day it doesn't say the day on it how does it feel though crazy hard it is it's, so far it is very hard. Do you want to hear, can I give you one? Yeah, go ahead. Please. Mr. Bean's dad, 14 letters. Uh, Bojangles. Oh, okay. Bojangles.

Bojangles is not a letter. A little short. Papa Bojangles. Mm-hmm. That's going to fill it in. You know what I think does this? Just start writing in letters. It doesn't really matter. No one's going to even know. Nobody checks. That's one thing that it in. You know what I think does this? Just start writing in letters. It doesn't really matter.

No one's going to even know. Nobody checks. That's one thing that Steven's taught us. Here's what it is. It's Bojangles Bean Senior. You got it. Okay. So his name, Mr. Bean's full name, is Bojangles Bean Junior.

Okay. All right. Keep going. I'll come back to this. Okay. Well, Hayes, you can help us out with this too. Okay. I'm doing something else.

Okay. Well, but the whole point is that you're able to do both at the same time. Oh, right. That's what the article said Stephen did. Right. Was that true? That's what I'm saying. I'm doing something else.

No, that was, I mean, I think they were saying that either i mean that it sounds like i um don't care but i'm smart ah which is you know that's not such a bad um image in the 90s at least yeah yeah that's true you have to pretend like you care now it's true yeah in the 90s that was ideal you'd be good will hunting we have to pretend like you care now. It's true. Yeah, in the 90s, that was ideal. You'd be good with hunting, essentially. You had to pretend like you didn't care back then. Now you pretend like you care. You're supposed to be smart.

Can you help me? And pretend to be smart. What's the matter? Can you help me? Yeah. This one says the funny candy. Okay. There's a lot of funny candies. those children eat them yeah yeah how many uh

letters was and did you say i looks like 15 okay i was thinking maybe laughy taffy but charleston you know what i think it is uh i think it's laughing tay Taffy, yeah. Oh, yeah, Laughing Taffing's dad. I think Laughing Taffing is maybe the full name. That's 15 letters. Okay. Laughing Taffing. No, that can't be right. I mean, it is right, though.

Just put it in. Okay, it fits with all the crosses. Because it doesn't check. It lines up with all the crosses. Nobody's going to check. Steven, are you liking Hayes' stuff? Hayes' performance? Yeah.

Do you think he adds to the show? Yeah. He's in New York. That adds to it. That makes you sound cosmopolitan. I'm at the top of the head part today. He could actually just be in the next room, for all I know. Yeah, no, it's true.

He could be lying to us. That happened to us once. We thought he was in New York for a long time, and he was actually in the restroom. Yeah. I believe it. I could go back to guitar anytime, too. Just throwing that out there.

Bathrooms could be anywhere, too. Maybe. It could be. They have them here, for example, and that's something I would only know if I were here. That's true. Now, the reason I ask is I was thinking about possibly going solo

is that every band member thinks of that eventually and usually a bad idea yeah is it yeah

what makes it a bad idea just that I couldn't carry my own show and I'm actually not doing anything well there's that well yeah

but put that aside for now but fall in love with the with you know the But put that aside for now. People fall in love with the first thing. They want the credit, right? What they liked you for first. So it's tough. I mean, how's it going for Steve Colbert?

He's doing all right. I mean, he's got the money. He's got the show. The toys are nice. A lot of people, I mean, there are whispers that he's lost it. Wow. In the entertainment business. I hear it all the time.

So who's saying this? Can we attribute this? Subreddit forums, dark web, bars, just everybody. So you think that he was essentially part of a band on his first show. Yeah. And that he has now gone solo. Yeah, he was moving to another. What subreddit are we talking?

Just our, he's lost it. I love that one. It's all Colbert posts lately, huh? Yeah, I don't know. Definitely, he was in a band. It was a band, and now it's like a solo guy that's... I would say he was in a band when he was on The Daily Show. Then when he did Colbert Report, he actually had a thriving solo career,

and now he's in R&E Lost It. That's what I forgot, even the Colbert report. To my mind, it was just with Jon Stewart and stuff, right? I always liked his early stuff. Yeah, I heard his early stuff, like Dana Carvey show. Steven, did you ever worry that people would think that the Jicks was like one crazy guy that was tough. It sounds like the name of kind of like a scary tough guy.

Yeah, like that's my boy the Jicks. Bring with you to shows. And they would be scared to go to the show. Not really. I mean, I probably should. Maybe that's why we only got like famous enough to be on this show. Not really. I mean, I probably should. Maybe that's why we only got, like, famous enough to be on this show.

Well, but this show, but to be fair, it was hard to get you on this show. That's right. I'm honored to be here. I didn't mean anything by that. Please, no. I'm trying to get out of the show myself. So, speaking of the Jicks, you had a song on your last album called Bike Lane.

Yeah. Do you know that we do a lot of commercials for people not getting hit by trains on this show? What do you mean? That's a real thing that happens where we have advertisers on the show, and they pay us to tell people not to go on train tracks when trains are crossing. Here in Los Angeles? No, it's national. It's a national organization.

So they can target advertisers now. They can take your cell phone data, basically, to know what kind of products should be. The ones that play on your podcast go towards the specific area. How many ads do you have on, is it just the classic two? We now have like five or six five or six five or six

you can set that number too is based on how much you want yeah it's based on how much you want to make yeah because i listen to this youtube guy eric arsenault he's a um voice coach to the stars and it's just i watch it over and over again before i perform and he's like banging on the the five second skip ads you know it's like too many yeah i think well our ads are about seven minutes long we once had a guest and we reverse the we reverse the buttons yeah so when you try to go forward it takes you back it flips it back to the beginning yeah we don't want anyone to miss the ads because people are paying for that not us but they're paying do you guys read them too am i going to get to hear those do you want oh you want to be here for the ad

reads you do the read they're not yeah yeah oh yeah they're all they're both they're read one issue one issue we've seen is that our listeners are able to skip the ads and stop them from playing by getting hit by a trade. That's a price you pay. Yeah. Skipping ads. I guess it just means more ads. They need to do more ads then for us.

Steven, I've prepared a game for you. And Brett, maybe this will inspire some of your music as well. This is a game called Know Your Work. Now look, you've had a long, crazy career. You most recently did an electronic album. Question, do you consider yourself more man or machine at this point?

More man. More man, yeah yeah i think so too in seeing you but when i'm listening it sounds like a machine so so this is a game called know your work can you help me first oh sure go ahead do you so i just want to check on one of these answers you do these steven you know crosswordsven you know will shorts yeah he's the um legendary new york times uh um sculptor architect yeah oh yeah yeah okay so this says the clue is my nickname which I assume refers to him. And as I'm filling this out, it looks like the answer is you remove my.

Is that his nickname? That's bizarre. You remove my. Is it Y-O-U or is it just you? It's Y-O-U. You remove my will shorts. There's a lot of puns and puns in these. I mean, is it possible that instead of that arrangement could, I mean, does he mean like his name is Will

and then in quotes, you remove my shorts? I don't think so. I think it's you remove my will shorts. You think it all goes at the beginning? And it may not have shorts in it. And maybe you remove my will. Like maybe this guy is just one of these energy vampires who really saps the strength out of people he's talking to

he also spells his last name hip with a Z it's like shorts the street way of saying shorts you could put like multiple Z's on the end really if he was a if you put too many Z's they'll think you fell asleep.

Something to keep in mind. Hayes, do you want to play the game I prepared for Steven? Okay. So this is called Know Your Work. Instead of Steven? Oh, I don't know. Steven, do you want to play or do you want to hear Hayes play? I'd much prefer Steven play. Okay, alright.

Well, you guys will duke it out. Maybe we can alternate. I've got three questions ready. So I'm going to give you a song lyric. You tell me it's whether one of your songs or if it's country singer Chris Lane, who is currently dating Lauren B from Ben H's season of The Bachelor. They had a brief engagement, wound up not working out, and we really all thought he was going to go with JoJo at the time. But anyway, he's dating her now, and he's getting some radio play.

So I'm going to give you a lyric, and why don't you go first, and then I'll give Hayes the next one. Okay. This lyric is, what's your name, what's your sign, what's your birthday, what's your wrist tattoo Bible verse say? What's your name? What's your sign? What's your birthday? What's your wrist tattoo Bible verse say? That sounds like something from Crooked Rain. Okay, this one is Chris Lane, the country singer who's dated Lord B. It could be both. It might be. He might be.

That sounds kind of 90s, that wrist tattoo thing. He even be, but he might, he might be. Yeah. That sounds kind of 90s. That was tattoo. Plagiarize something from Chris Lane. Wrist tattoo Bible verse. Yeah, that might be right. Um,

well, it could be both. So let's assume that he kind of cribbed off you and then we're going to move to Hayes. Is he, um, is he a good looking dude? You're asking me? Is she into it?

Oh, yeah. You can tell. And I don't like to speculate too much on celebrity sex lives. But really, if I don't, what is the show? Yeah, right. I think this guy's putting it down. Yeah, it's on already behind doors. I think they're 69ing. I mean, I think this guy's putting it down. Yeah, it's on already behind doors. I think they're 69ing.

I mean, I think that they are both doing oral. You can hear in one of the fantasy suite where they go outside the door, you can hear pretty clearly that they're 69ing. Yeah, they leave the camera outside for a moment and you can hear whether they're 69ing. What's going on? You made a face like you don't like they 69 what's going on you made a face like you don't like that i'm not yeah i think that's you want the camera to be in the room

olympic style sex i don't i think it's just you don't show it's not for they must not really that's not maximizing pleasure it's just showing focus that's like playing guitar and doing the cross you're not fully enjoying either one you believe i and i think i'm getting this right that the most pleasurable version of sex is diddy fucking for the for the woman you said that is a lyric that's a lyric words in my pants stop it put them in your will shorts so um hey here's lyric, and you tell me if this is from Stephen or if this is from Chris Lane. Or me.

Or it could be from you. Okay. The line is, girl, I know your favorite beer, because you told me and I bought it. Okay. Is that my turn to ask? I know the answer to this. I don't think so.

Okay. Me? Can I answer? That's I know the answer to this. I don't think so. Okay. Me? Can I answer? That's by... Steven wants to answer. That's by Chris Diane Lane. Good guy, you can't remember his name. That's by Chris Diane Lane.

Diane Lane in drag. Chris. So why do you think he's Diane Lane in drag? Because you said he was good looking. And I'm a pretty big fan of Diane Lane in drag? Because you said he was good looking. And I'm a big fan of Diane Lane prime time, all time after like

adolescence, Diane Lane. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Oh, after adolescence. Yeah. So you're not watching The Fabulous Stains with Jake Vogel. Would that be weird if that were your favorite movie? That is one of my favorite movies the white stripes they got their name from that did you know have you familiar with that act

have you had Jack White on here Jack White wants to come on for sure we haven't had time Jack White wants to hear Brett play with guitar he's been asking that yeah that's a great movie well I have one more question for you I know you like Light. I know you've got blue eyes. What's that off of you? That's poetic. Yeah. What are we thinking? Bud Light's blue. I might do something like that. The color

kind of thing. Making a reference to the beer can. Reminding me of your beautiful eyes. So that might be Range Life by Pavement. Okay. Also on Crooked Rain. Yeah.

You really... I don't know why... I know that album. Yeah, that's the one. That was sort of your way in. That's when you first started listening. That's when we wrote about beer

yeah those were the days this one it says Frankenstein's boss okay man mmm that's gotta be Dracula huh that's that kind of slang that boss stuff's usually not

in the crosswords boss would it be in the crosswords oh wait so wait wait wait so you think it could be saying oh you think it could be saying frankenstein is boss boss or just you know like i just don't know how to respond it's just controlling or the uh in an unhealthy relationship. Oh, Frankenstein's like bossy. Yeah, I don't know. I hate to hear that. Hayes, are you in the wind?

Yeah, I'm at the top of the Empire State Building. Are you familiar with that song, Frankenstein, by Edgar Winter Band? You know that song? Give me a piece of it. Yeah, lay it on us. Is it about feeding your Frankenstein? Is it feeding the Frankenstein?

Yeah. That's a different superhero. Frankenstein, my echo, winter, I fancy. His hair was perfect. Yeah, great, great, great, yeah. Did the werewolf... Big ol' bolts in his neck. Did they ever join forces

in a dystopian Marvel... Werewolves in Frankenstein? Yeah. Well, in the Marvel Dark Universe, they did actually put all the universal monsters together as well as the serial monsters. Yeah.

Booberry, Count Dracula. Cam Crunch, he's a good guy. I think I figured out Frankenstein's boss. Oh, please. So the theme of the puzzle is it would be funny if and the answer to Frankenstein's

boss is the boss from office space okay lumber saying i think it's saying it would be funny if frankenstein's boss were the boss seeing him deal with that yeah hey frankenstein i'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in on saturday Log sip of coffee? Yeah, it's kind of funny. It's not that funny. Okay, do you have a better? No, I'm not saying your performance of it was great.

And actually, I think better than it had any right to be. But I'm just saying for the puzzle, I don't think it's that funny a concept Frankenstein's boss is the boss from Office Space okay to me that seems pretty good alright Steven what's next

for us or the crossword or just what's next you ask big questions like that it's one of those type of podcasts the crossword or just what's next? Oh god, I didn't even know. You ask big questions like that. It's one of those type of podcasts. Just try to keep it pretty open-ended. Yeah.

Do some Alvin Toffler futurism for you. I don't know. I think we're going to hear a song. Have you ever done the palm muting? Of course. Usually when you sing or write the verse right before and like stick your chin up. Oh, the chin up.

That's what I've been. You're right. That helps. That helps. That sounded a lot better that way. Just think and pretend you're a Hollywood vampire and let it go. A Hollywood vampire like Johnny Depp? I was just reading about them in the Los Angeles Weekly.

W-E-A-K. Oh, right. You find that to be a very weak paper? No, I don't know. I have no idea. I really want to come down on weekly paper. Yeah, that's what I'm here to do. Smash.

Just make sure they leave. Well, at long last, yeah. No one has really taken a firm shot at the printed paper. Yeah, that's what we really need to do. Paper, yeah. Like put those people out of work. Well, it's the crooked media. No, but they did do a full article about Hollywood vampires,

which I know they're still going. Johnny Depp is Brett's favorite actor, but he decided that like two years ago. Yeah, it was really strange. That's good to be. It was around the time of some controversy. Yeah, that Rolling Stone article and stuff. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, he had a castle. Steven, what do you think about me calling myself the S-Dog? Yeah, you can call yourself that Do you have a truck? Well, I'm working on it I'm working on it I have a five year plan to get myself into a truck Yeah, you gotta have a truck

No truck This isn't really a truck town At least this zip code I don't know you might be from the valley for all I know Jesus Christ man why'd you have to do it to me get him I never had a guest come to me this hard

this is my fucking show that's not a bad thing I'm a valley person are you? the big valley the Bakersfield fucking show. That's not a bad thing. I'm a Valley person. Are you? The Big Valley. The Bakersfield. Bakersfield, the Sacramento. The hot one.

The hot one. So we've got a couple LA Ain't No Truck Town. I'm from the Big Valley, the hot one. This is starting to become a song for us, Brett? Yeah, I like this. Um... Boom. Doom. Boom, doom, doom.

Boom. Right? Right? Uh... Ooh. That's fancy for us. Ever since you said put my chin up. That has you confused. No, I'm actually playing bar chords and stuff. It's crazy.

Brett has been pretending to know music for quite some time on this show. Is he really playing this thing? Yeah, he is. Okay. Those are chords. Those are chords. Brett's a big Warriors fan. Did you guys talk about that?

Oh, yeah. Not yet. Steven, we have a basketball podcast that is just flailing. Here we go. Hashtag the flagrant ones. It's called the flagrant ones. Hayes and I host it. It's a tough market.

We are sinking. A couple years ago, Brett was consistently calling him Stephen Curry. That's alright. I heard him do that multiple times. That's his Christian name. He's jealous.

You said I played a real chord. I mean, they call him DeStef. Do they call him Stephen Curry when they're angry with him, his parents? Stephen? They say Stephen Patrick Curry, I think. They do. It doesn't turn Stephen when you're really mad. Because I thought maybe when you're

really angry, you say that, and then he's like... Right. That is the kind of thing that really yeah yeah activates his fear response yeah so maybe you were just doing that you guys like that you guys are warriors fans no yeah they're all they're huge warriors two clippers a warriors fan yeah brent's trying to make me a warriors fan he said i just gotta watch. He says, I gotta watch this Draymond guy. You gotta watch, man. I wore my Dubs sweater today. I don't want Durant to come

back. Is that the kind of thing we should be talking about on the basketball show? We're trying to have smart opinions. What's a good basketball opinion? I mean, Durant's the best player in the league as far as I'm concerned. For sure.

But the fact that you don't need it, it's kind of fun to win a fight with one hand behind your back. You know, and it's bringing back. You ever do that? Have you done that? Have you done that? I've never won a fight. How do you know it's fun?

Because I watch movies. You see Jack Reacher? I see. It's nice to win. You can do it with adversity that you overcome becomes part of the lore and you look back. That's part of a hero's journey, isn't it?

Have you seen Obama's when he had the Warriors to the White House, that speech Obama gave. It was like prime... Refresh my memory. Vintage Obama. Okay. I think it was 2015. It's the Splash Brothers.

Clay Thompson, Harrison Barnes. And they're all behind him. And Obama just kills it. Does his classic. Shows that he's a great orator, which we already knew Hayes has been calling himself the orator lately How about Obama's

like basically gone Obama went into TV production which used to be what Hayes did Now I have to be an orator Is he Hayes H-A-Z-E I just realized orator. Is he Hayes H-A-Z-E? I just realized I was assuming he was Hayes H-A-Z-E,

but he could be Hayes H-A-Z-E. He's got to be. He's got to be. That's cool as hell, man. Hey, don't put too many Zs. That's what I say when people ask

how to spell my name. I say, like, Blaze Pizza. What's your favorite Blaze Pizza to get? You like the one with the pineapple on it? What the heck is Blaze Pizza?

Jesus Christ, Steven! What? You call yourself a basketball fan? Yeah. Is that from Portland? It's LeBron James Pizza! I don't know what that is.

What is it? LeBron James makes pizza. It's the fastest growing food chain in the United States. There's one inside the Staples Center. I've never heard of it. Never heard of it. No.

Who's LeBron James? It's like Chipotle for pizza. Who's LeBron James it's like Chipotle for pizza who's LeBron James he's I know that last name is very there's a like a

you're familiar with the name James that's Elmore James or something Elmore Leonard or no there's another Henry James

P.D. James James? Petey James. Petey James. Yeah, I've heard of him. Brett, in what way is it like Chipotle for pizza? Oh, I'm glad you heard that. Other than it's like they serve food? Yeah, you walk up kind of like on the right, right? No, you don't.

And then you go down the glass. You have to walk up a little bit. I'm certain you're making this up. They have actual chains and stuff in this town, and they're not in Oregon. Oregon, where I live. That's how you're supposed to pronounce it. I mean, if they have one in the Cleveland Basketball Stadium

and Staples, that's not enough. They got one right here. You ever been to the Grove, Steven? The Grove? The world-famous Grove? Yeah, the world-f Grove, Steven? The Grove? The world-famous Grove? Yeah. The world-famous outdoor mall, the Grove? The world-famous Grove.

Is that the one that's near the farmer's market? Uh, yeah. I have been there. Well, it's near there. The Grove at the farmer's market. Yeah, I know where that is. Yeah. There's a place, Pizza in Pasadena, as well.

You ever go there just to watch the fountains? The Grove? Yeah, Grove Fountain Show. I've had some empanadas in that farmer's market. You probably had those. Which ones? When you're having your meetings. Spicy Steak.

I think I got the vegetarian ones. This is maybe a bad move. Hayes is experimenting with veganism. Have you gone down that route? Not full. Makes my stomach hurt. Not full of vegan.

It's not supposed to be that way. It's supposed to feel better. I mean, I don't know what you're eating. If you're just eating raw carrots only all day, that might be the reason. Yeah, Spooky's trying to get good eyesight. Yeah. Do you think I should boil them?

Boil your carrots and boil that rice. Mash your peas. It's the Chipotle thing. I'm not letting you off the hook. How is it like Chipotle? But for pizza. You walk up and you tell them the ingredients you want. No, you don't.

Yes, you do. Isn't that what you do at Blaze Pizza? They just know what you want? Is that what you're saying? No, they don't. Yes, you do. Isn't that what you do at Blaze Pizza? They just know what you want? Is that what you're saying? No, they don't know what you want. They know what they want to make. There's only four different pizzas, and you say each one. You only walk up and tell them what ingredients you want to the extent that you do it like McDonald's.

I do that to McDonald's. I got bun Light on the special sauce Pizza Spicy steak Okay so Steven's sort of defending Brett here Hayes And I think you're going to want to hear this He's saying that you can add or take away

From the pre-made pizza ingredients Okay so this is what he's describing A pizza he's never heard of He's kind of dead on. Do you deny it? In fact, I do. Spot the lie. Spot the lie.

I don't know why he would name it Blaze. That's the name of the mascot of the Portland Trailblazers. I thought he might have some animosity. I just wouldn't. Also, I wouldn't name a pizza place Blaze. Are you saying i like a little bit of uh blackness around the edge of my uh dough and is it fire some char yeah a little bit of char on the crust yeah and i guess i'm actually i think i call the edge of the dough it's hot it makes me

think a little that it's going to be spicy though too well and they're not afraid to give you a little bit of heat so this is something that sean explained to me is that it has sort of a double meaning sean is something of a chiba hawk yeah you can blaze up before you go there oh that too i can see yeah so i were i can i double back for a moment though are you saying that celebrity chef richard blaze is the mascot of the portland trailblazers is that who makes it that's what it's a gang puck of uh the uh staples center there's already a wolfgang puck in there there is one at the staples center yeah yeah yeah um steven you they could do some funny stuff with him for hockey games. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Now you, to me, and this is not any sort of judgment, but you feel like you're done with the show. No, not necessarily, am I? Good, no, you're right. No, you're right, you're right, you're not. I'm glad you said that with the show part. I thought it was going to be like, you're right. You're right. You're not. I'm glad you said that with the show part. I thought it was going to be like, you know. Oh, like you're done.

Like you're toast. Yeah. What are you even doing still making music? Yeah, it felt like that to me. Yeah. What? That's what it felt like when you said that. In fact, I think he kind of just pivoted.

He realized, and then he said, with the show. I definitely, yeah, there was a pregnant pause. Okay. A lot that happened in that, that pregnant pause. What makes a pause pregnant to you? Gets knocked up. What? Hey,

I see. This is what they do. They try to, they try to pivot to me to just, we try to dig in on you. Brett, give us a tune, would you? And Hayes, is this helping you do your crossword puzzle? This one's the best kind of song.

Is that? I've been working on this. That's pretty good. What's your reverb setting on that line 6 it's on the streets have no name setting what do you do when you put every delay pedal has a U2

setting on it and a Led Zeppelin setting maybe because they're really popular bands with signature iconic sounds. You see the documentary, It Might Get Loud? Yeah. No, I'm not exactly going to watch that,

Brett, when it's right in the title that I'm not going to enjoy it. Is that with Mount Rushmore of rock and roll? Right. Jack White, The Edge, and Jimmy Page. My favorite scene. Both of them go through their little licks, and Jimmy Page is just looking at them like they're very cute. And then he goes into cashmere, and you practically see their hair go white.

They're all pretty excited by that. Then you're just like, why is Jimmy Page in this with these guys, these clowns? He is a singular guy, not to say something positive and unfunny and real. Great player. Jimmy Page? Jimmy Page is a good player. So your stance now is that Jimmy Page is some kind of good guitar player?

And a good engineer. Hear me out. If he was playing through that pod... That's true! If he was playing through that... You know, he'd get a good sound. I'm not saying you're not. He's not saying you're not, but he's not saying that you are. He wouldn't know

what those ports were for, though, I'll tell you that much. Those, like, old-fashioned... Then he'd pour in a storm. He'd probably be trying to stick a fish in them, if you believe some of those stories. It's a shark. It's a shark. That's right.

Yeah, a guppy. It's very small. Right. You could fit a guppy in these holes. But he was a good engineer, Sean. Okay. Are you the engineer of the show, too? That's right.

Yeah, that's where I was going. That's why you got respect. We should, yeah. Guys, that's where I was going. That's why you got respect. We should, yeah. Guys, let's crack Flake season three. Where do you think it goes next? Has Venice really that different, Stephen? Than when?

Well, it just seems, it appears to me that in the show, Venice is changing. You know, I've been there in the 80s, and I think it is a little different than it was then. I don't really know what it's... I mean, I don't know what it's like there. I have to say, I am like you, just a watcher of other people's dream creations. And I tend to believe that it's a sort of paradise of gentrification um where the you know the white man walks free and gets the girl without trying yep easy living huh yeah yes did they do a lot of on flakes did they do a lot of the kind of shot where a girl is roller skating towards the camera?

There's some of that. For like cuts? They got that shot, yeah. Yeah, she sort of guides you. She like wipes the screen to take you into the next story. Yes. Did you guys write on that show? I couldn't get that gig, no.

I could not get that gig. We wrote at it. Yes. But not on it. Because I feel, you know, if you had, this would be a good... Good promotion. Yeah, it would just be interesting. You'd be like, we're talking about this.

I was like, why do you want to talk about this show? Because no one else does. And you were like, because we wrote on it. Yeah, well, that's an interesting idea. Hayes, do you want to say about this show because no one else does? And you were like, because we wrote on it. Yeah, well, that's an interesting idea. Hayes, do you want to say that we wrote on that show? Yeah, I guess. Okay, Steve, can you ask me? Does it have cred in Hollywood?

Even though it was slightly a commercial failure, that would be something you still put on your resume, as I do, That would be something you still put on your resume, as I do, as a music maker. It didn't take Netflix by storm. It doesn't mean that it's not a good show. It was early in the game, you know what I mean? They didn't totally have their feet under them yet. And what I'll say is, Will's a charmer.

He almost hit my wife with his Range rover on large mon a couple months ago um that's not um i was charming about that he looked up he looked up he didn't do he didn't do an over the top like oh my god i'm so sorry but he didn't do a like, what the fuck are you doing? He did sort of a like, yeah, you got me. I almost hit you. That's cool. Yeah, it was right at the right level for what you want. Classic Chip. For what he is.

And it's a Canadian voice of Batman. Canadian Batman voice and... Lego Batman, I mean, right? Yeah. I'm not going to question that. There is a difference between Batman and Lego Batman I mean right yeah there is a difference between Batman and Lego Batman oh yeah did you hear the one I said before it says best kind of gong this is kind of a music one

oh okay best kind of gong g-o-n-g how many types of gongs do you know? Well, there's gong girl. This one is two letters. Okay.

Two letters? Just put anything in there. It's just two letters. I think it might be ja. J-A? Ja. Ja gong yeah that's yes

in Swedish or whatever okay I took it to mean like this is Will saying that the best kind

of gong is gongja oh that makes sense oh you're putting gong first I

I mean again I'm not I'm clearly not good at ordering the answers. Does that work with the other letters you have going through? Yeah, it crosses with Bo Jagal's being senior. Gosh, remember when we were talking about that? Yeah. When you do those chords that, like when you hit,

you almost hit like the wrong note in the chords. I don't want to be insulting or anything. How do you decide to leave that in? You just repeat it. Is there anything where you hit that note and you say that's too wrong? Yeah, of course. But if you don't mean to do it, you repeat it, and then it's intentional. That's not unlike the Sufi weaver.

Is that correct, Steve? It's very similar. I mean, it's how we live our lives. When you repeat the mistake, it now becomes a part of the pattern. So really, there are no mistakes. Yes, it's that way. And you can approach. It's hard though when you... I know some of your songs need to signify something

to your listeners other than chaos. So you can't really do that all the time unless you have built up a language and that people expect you to be that way. I don't know how many more podcasts you guys got, but you could start now. How many we have in us before we die? Or just before people are taken away?

Everyone is born. It's like women with eggs. All men are born. There's a certain amount of podcasts that are inside you. Yeah, they're pods. And we've burned off a lot of them every week you shed one

so I'm saying you could take a new direction and just let I mean that one chord you played was my favorite chord you played

all day best chord of the entire day oh my got like a seventh feel to it. There's a lot you could do with that. It could be Steve Ray Vaughan.

That's sick, dude. Sick good, right? We got to write a tune, man. Because I was getting sick a little playing it. Right, you're not feeling well? No. Brett, talk about your diet lately. Gotta write a tune, man. Because I was getting sick a little playing it. Right. You're not feeling well? No. Brett, talk about your diet lately.

A lot of Wienerschnitzel. Yeah. Der Wienerschnitzel, I still call it. So not schnitzel. Something else? You're saying something else. I'm not saying yes the chain

right the establishment it's like Chipotle for hot dogs was that started in California yes it looks like it do you remember Doggy Diner well you guys are you guys are new on the scene here.

But ask me anyway. I would not call it a chain. It was like two or three of them in Los Angeles. They were prefab with a dachshund on them and it was a little tiny shack that was the shape of a hot dog with a dachshund with a

chef's hat on it. They were called doggy diners. And your dog, can can eat there with you? No dogs get to eat there. That would be unsanitary. You're supposed to pretend you're eating a dog while you eat it? You're eating a hot dog, dude. Yeah, but what's the mascot telling me? As you say, you build a language with your audience, right?

That's true. Well, he's a hot dog doggie. It was probably also a dachshund is a German band. Have you ever heard them? They're amazing. A German dog. And so it goes with the hot dog thing. Of course, when you eat a hot dog, you're not eating a dog. Anyway, does the Wienerschnitzel have any dogs in its iconography?

I can't remember. Anyway. No, it's got the hot dog. It's a W. He says you've got the hot dog and he says you got a wiener dude attitude. Or wiener dude attitude. Wiener dude attitude. Which I've tried to live my life by.

Yeah, that's the wrist tattoo you got. Wiener dude attitude. And the W is the Weezer W. They took it. Yeah. Hayes, do you have any more crossword questions or anything else you wanted

to cover today? No, I think I have a couple. This one, the clue is my wife left me. And the answer is damn, dude. Okay. Do you need anything from us on that?

I don't think so. That's, yeah. This one says the thing from the show Lost. Oh, okay. Storytelling. Okay, that fits. Thing from the show Lost. What does that make you think of?

That was a good show. You were loving it? Yeah, I remember most of it. I think the last DVDs I ever was given that someone actually paid for for me was like a whole thing of, I didn't actually get to see the whole show, but me and my partner was like, we're going to watch that on DVD 17 years ago or whenever. It obviously never cracked. Jeez, a lot of feel old.

It was very thick. A lot of feel old, yeah. You are doing all kinds of music, all kinds of stuff. You live in Portland. There's a lot of speculation about you, Steven. Does that piss you off? All that speculation? Yeah.

Yes. Well, not really. You just feel like a piece of meat. Yeah, everybody gets to say what they think. Yeah, it's not like... None of your business. It's like I'm not a stock. You don't get to just bid me up and down

don't you feel that way in this business? I'm starting to yeah I've only been bid down so far but just the idea that someone would be able to bid me up we're getting shorted you're not down you guys are up I'm on here that's true

this is good for us I'm just saying yeah it's it sucks to be what was it again that i was speculated you're speculated upon yeah i don't like that well you want to is there something you want to clear up one big rumor you want to put to bed no i just think that it's their problem problem. It's the troll's problem. That's exactly right. Don't read the comments. Mm-hmm.

You know that already. Come on, reading the comments. It's tough. But here I am. I'm in the subreddit. Shitposting. I'm in the subreddit shitposting. Are he lost it?

If it's... I'm checking for my name every week. I did see a thing about my new Groove Tonight album in 4chan. this guy said he was very earnest. He's like, I think Steve's new record

is pretty awesome. And he's really doing some new things. It almost sounds like this band's suicide. And there was no other comments except one guy's like, he's like, take it somewhere else. Start a blog. Start a music blog. And that was it.

It was just not appropriate for him to be talking about your album at all. So this guy, I don't know if he's a regular poster. Someone sent me the picture and you know you're trying to even in this dark place of 4chan a flower grew yeah and then here comes the ddt exactly would you prefer that everyone on 4chan were talking about you favorably? Not necessarily. You can't cultivate that fan base. I like some balance. It seems like a pretty good outcome for you.

That's true. I got out quick. That is amazing that a one 4chan comment made it on your desk. I got a shot. It got to me. Who's sending that your way? I got sources. You got moles moles I have people

you have a team it's a big team I have friends that are on the internet a lot and it's a big team shall I say and they're fighting the good fight they're out there when a troll writes something

not about me but about anything that's misrepresented on the internet they're sort of like the whole they're like Wikipedia people for the whole entire internet but about anything that's misrepresented on the internet. They're sort of like the whole, they're like Wikipedia people for the whole entire internet just coming to clean up when someone says something wrong. They're like, actually, this isn't true.

Usually about politics, but it can sometimes enter music and all social justice in general. I love my trolls general I love my trolls I love my trolls I worship my trolls that's why I picked Blazers in 7 to feed them Hayes picked Blazers in 7 on our basketball podcast and he is getting destroyed

on reddit right now and my trolls are rubbing their bellies they're so full he's feeding them all they can eat. It's a goddamn buffet when Hayes picks Blazers at 7. People were yelling at us today for saying that Chris Middleton

is possibly better than Klay Thompson. That's fair. Except Chris Middleton is so inconsistent this year. I know. I had him on my fantasy team and he started great. And then he just, I don't really know his defensive stats. Clay is a very good defender, and that's something that will.

So is Chris. Is he? These guys are, these are long guys. He's good, too. And he usually has to get the other team's best scorer, which Clay often does, too. So I don't, because I don't really follow, I love the Bucs, but I don't get to,

I don't have time to watch all their games. I just, you know, I don't know how he plays. They play long ones. Yeah. Yeah. You're not going to want to watch all the Bucs games, because they really, they sit in it, man. When's Brogdon coming back? Is he back yet? Brogdon's back, man. When's Brogdon coming back?

Is he back yet? Brogdon's back, baby. He's limited. Yeah, because you're a UVA guy. Yeah, man. You're a volunteer. He's one of our shining lights that led to the Valhalla of national championship this year.

Better Tony Bennett, the singer or the coach? Is Tony Bennett a better coach as a coach than Tony Bennett, the singer, is as a singer? And whatever you say, you can't compare them. No. It's like saying who's... You're saying these are different things? Yeah, just because it has a name. You're just like, LeBron James or Prince?

Who's better? Just like, if his middle name was Prince, then you would like make, if LeBron's middle name was Prince, you would make that and have to make me pick. Okay. And that would be wrong. I'll do it. Who's better, LeBron James or Prince? I'm saying.

I'm going to have to take LeBron James. He's taking LeBron James. I do too. And Brett took Prince. I take LeBron James. He's taking LeBron James. I do too. And Brett took Prince. I think LeBron James. And now he's taking LeBron James. The reason I do is because LeBron's the best of all time in my HO, and Prince is one of the best of all times.

I'm just saying, you know, he's the best of his era. Yeah. And Prince and LeBron's the best of all time, I think. Prince, there's other good music. Really fun thing to argue about who's the best basketball player of all time. Who's the best basketball player versus, we love to argue about that. Yeah. But it's more fun maybe to argue who's a better basketball player

than Prince is a guitar player. Chappelle said Prince is a good basketball player. Oh, interesting. Brett is kind of a niche comedy fan. He's in here every day with some of these comics that you don't hear that much about and he will repeat their bits.

Dave Chappelle, yeah. He's been doing this. I'm Rick James, bitch. He's been doing this thing around the office That has everybody losing it, cracking up That we just discovered What's some of the other shit that you just found out? Was it The Mask starring Jim Carrey You were saying you really liked?

I love that one, yes Smokin' is I guess one of those guys' things I like to kind of dig back in the vaults And find these little gems He's a crate digger I mean, ultimately of those guys' things. I like to kind of dig back in the vaults, you know, and find these little gems. He's a crate digger. I mean, ultimately, he's a crate digger. George, have you heard of this guy, George Washington? No, George Carlin.

I do know George Washington. George Washington was very funny. George Carlin? Yeah, he's a modern man. Yeah, you know what? Those guys have a comment, never told a lie. True, spot it. George Carlin, modern day philosopher.

Not unlike Pete Holmes from Crashing. He's just being honest with you. He knows the upside of downsizing. He knows the downside of uploading. That's just the way it goes. Does that give you an idea for a song, Brett? I saw you sort of strum something. You ever use a capo?

I don't like to use those. I just tune the guitar differently. But I have used one, of course. We've all used condoms and capos. The capo, yeah. I thought it was called capo. It's not called the capo? I didn't even know.

I don't even know, you know, because I don't mess with this stuff. It's also a mafia member, right? I didn't even know. I don't even know, you know, because I don't mess with this stuff. Oh. He's also a mafia member, right? Yes, the capo. Leonardo DiCaprio? There's a lot. Do you think you're done now, Steven? With what?

With the show. We just don't want you. We don't want you to not like us. I like hearing you play this. You sound like George Harrison. Oh, my God. The guy's going to explode. George Harrison on acid.

It's all the George Harrison. Brett already sold out the Beatles earlier in this podcast. He said they suck. Oh, so that was an insult. I said that. Yeah. Sucking is the greatest achievement you could do. I said that they were, it's their minor.

You said, yeah, so Brett's a limp act. A limp act. That doesn't mean, playing their songs, you know that sometimes cover versions can improve upon initial effort by an artist and many songs have been written

just like you write the jokes for the other actor who presents them in a better way than you would. For episode five Lockdown.

Lockdown episode five of Ghosted. Have you been thinking about covering that Rebel Just for Kicks song, Steven? That's a Portugal the Man song from Portland I haven't They're nice guys

Which is in itself a cover of Please Mr. Postman Well, I gotta tell you I think you're a nicer guy because we could not get them to do the show They would do it. I'll tell them to come down and do it. Hey, tell them to come kick it with us. If it's a bat, they would do the bat.

They're into the Blazers. I know they have, like, sweet courtside seats. Rebel just for courtside seats. Yeah, apparently it wasn't just for kicks. It was also for some of the toys. Right? A little bit of the toys. Right. A little bit of the cash. A little jealous of that.

And how sad is it that Paul Allen's not here to see his boys grace the finals of the Western Conference? Man, nasty stuff, you know? But life isn't exactly fair. Brett, you had a song idea about that to take us out? Uh, ooh. That's it. He's finding it.

Uh. Washington. Harrison. Washington Harrison Carlin All the Georges Gorgeous Georges Thank you Stephen There's that something Excellent

He dug in It's like a dirty blues Hayes you got one more crossword clue before we go Yeah I wrote it That was a bad move It happens Did I do Frankenstein's boss

No we didn't hear that one I didn't hear that one. I didn't do that one. That's one. Beautiful. Bye. Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast.