Hollywood Handbook - Tawny Newsome and Her Friends, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

TAWNY NEWSOME from Bajillion Dollar Properties returns to help the boys be a different kind of agent now. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace (code: THEBOYS), Simple Contacts (code: THEBOYS), and Blue Apron.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Karma's a bitch. Right? Where, okay. There's no visual. Okay. Karma's a bitch. I know. There's no visual. People can't see what you're doing. Oh.

Well, can you describe it for them? Yes. So, Sean. Karma's a bitch. Has been really engaging with this Chinese meme where he says karma's a bitch and then you have your blanket. And then the way you're doing it is kind of a non-edited version where you're wearing – you sort of hide a little hat under the blanket. And in the process of pulling up the blanket, you try and get the hat. It's a towel, not a blanket. I mean, it doesn't matter.

I thought you would like people to think it was a blanket. No, it's a towel. It's a beach towel. It's really a washcloth. Well, okay. It's a beach washcloth. And the hat is bigger than it is. Yeah.

No, it's – yeah. So – The hat's not so disguised. And also, one thing you might not have noticed, but this is a trick I did. I tied my glasses. I have these big, thick glasses, and I tied a string from the towel to the glasses so when I throw the towel over my head, it ideally yanks the glasses off. Okay.

It has not worked so far because I think they're so much heavier than the towel. Yes. It's supposed to yank your glasses off and the hat sits on your head at the same time. It's supposed to land on my head, yeah. And it's one of those, like, white college hats with the acronym on it. It's for Fordham University, so it says FU. The Rams, yeah. you, I guess the transformation you want to show

to the people that doubted you over the years. Karma's a bitch. And you thought I was just some dork with these glasses, but now all of a sudden I've got this sexy hat on. So think about that. Sorry.

What was I talking about? Sorry, you were telling me about Veronica Lodge, which reminded me that karma's a bitch. Go ahead. You were at breakfast camp? We were at breakfast camp. Eggs, french toast. Something about, yeah,

we were doing archery, which was basically just, at breakfast camp, it's just kind of you're throwing a pancake at a bigger pancake. Yeah, nice sharp pancake. You try to get it lodged into a frigging soft one. Yeah, and I guess there was something about there with like she's Veronica Lodge. But we never figured it out.

Right. So then do you play tic-tac-toe on a giant waffle? Yes. It's camp, so of course we're going to play tic-tac-toe. Well, beanbag toss tic-tac-toe. Of course, you're not tossing beanbags. You're tossing giant pads of butter. Yeah.

And the issue with that, to me, is they're going to melt before the game's over. Yes, and they're the same. It's very hard to remember who's... Yeah, who has which square because it's all just butter. It's all butter, and they're running into each other. The silver lining? Yum. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook,

an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet line back always. In this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? And And Tawny, you must remember when we said that, the last time you were on the show. Do you remember how we did that? Yeah, I thought I was going to have to say it too, so I practiced

it, but then I choked. Okay, so not a listener still, because we've never had the guest do that. Oh. Ever. Never? So a guest, but not a listener. Well, no, I just thought, like, the way that I came on the show last time, it seemed like I was more like becoming more like a partner with you guys. So I thought that I should.

Okay, that's interesting. I was thinking that as well, but I didn't want to say it for fear of getting rejected. I didn't want to jinx it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did feel at the time that you were sort of becoming a partner and that this was a pretty big merger for us. Yeah, it seemed like you were grooming me for a more permanent stay. Yes. Okay, but now I worry that grooming me for a more permanent stay. Yes.

Okay, but now I worry that this is a setup to get my hopes up and then she'll be like, oh, you thought I was serious? Yeah, that she's going to be able to smack me down all the more effectively now that I'm all juiced. And then I can imagine myself really taking it out on Kevin when that happens. And here's the other fear that I have, that it's just a full-on takeover and that we do accept her partnership and I'm not involved in the show within a few weeks. You guys, look, I am in this building 5 to 17 times a week, and I haven't yet taken over a show.

I've been on a lot of podcasts, probably several that are coming out this week, so I bet everyone's very sick of hearing me. A lot of those are pretty strong, but this show is very weak. Oh, so you're saying I could just crush you and take it. If you wanted to take over one show, this would be a good starter show to do that with. It wouldn't really do anything for you,

but it just would be very easy to kind of get reps by taking over this show. And then you could go for one. It's all about getting reps. It's just all about getting reps, just working out, you know, just working out. Our show is the sick old wildebeest.

The one that's ripe to be picked off the herd. Well, I'll keep that in mind. And that the other wildebeest don't even notice. You know what I mean? And is not popular, but is friends with all the other wildebeest. When you're not popular, but you're somehow still friends with all of them?

Yeah. People would say, oh, he's not one of the popular crowd, but is friends with everyone. You know what I mean? Yeah. That sounds like you're maybe not actually friends. But not close friends. No. He's everyone's like sixth best friend.

And so no one would really stand up for him because they'd always go like, he's very disposable. Yeah. But no one's like, I don't like him. They're all just like, oh, yeah, no, yeah. He's cool. Everyone's like, he's really great. Like, he's so nice. He's really great.

But not the way you would say that about a friend. You know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes. You'd never be like about your best friend. Like, he's so nice. He's really great. Yeah not the way you would say that about a friend. You know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes. You'd never be like about your best friend, like, he's so nice. He's really great. Yeah, you wouldn't say that about your best friend. You'd be like, oh, he's the fucking best. That's my boy.

Yeah, your voice would drop. Your voice would drop. You'd never have a high voice when you talk about a real friend. Yeah, but you would go like, oh, he's so nice. Oh, yeah. Oh, I love him. He's great. But you're sort of checking, like, do you want to talk shit about this guy?

Because I could go either way. That's so funny, because, you know, when Kevin books me for this show, he goes like, hey, do you want to do Hollywood Handbook? But then when he books me for Teacher's Lounge, he's like, oh, my God, you've got to do Teacher's Lounge. I've heard that. Yes, Teacher's Lounge. Yes, that show.

When he's on the phone, yeah, trying to book it, he's like, dude. He's like, dude. You have to. This is the show. And then he's like, you know, Hollywood Handbook, maybe you could go by there. Yeah. So that tracks with what you're telling me about this wildebeest. Yeah, that's kind of us.

So that's us. We're the sick wildebeest. So if you want to take the show over, obviously feel free, but it would be just an exercise in futility. Look, let me see how this sessionility. Let me see how this session goes. Let's see how the session goes, and let's get into the sesh. Kevin, good session to you. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. Good session.

Good session to you, Kevin. Low voice. Chef Kevin, yes. He has a low voice when he talks about sessions and teacher's lounge, but when he talks about being a guest on Hollywood Handbook, it goes up very high. Up in a falsitude. So last time you were here, let's do the backstory a little bit.

You remember. Yeah. Let's do the recap. We tried to call my close personal friend, Scott Aukerman. He did not answer the phone. Did not answer. And did you ever get a call back? No, because we didn't call from my number, so he didn't know that it was me.

And that's what we did wrong last time. And I never brought it up. Because I had a feeling we were going to try this again, and I still want him to be very surprised. Okay. But you're in his phone? Yeah. Yeah. I'm in his phone, so if I call him, it will be very weird.

Yeah. But he'll know it's me. Okay. in his phone. So if I call him, it will be very weird. Yeah. But he'll know it's me. Okay. Perfect. Okay. So we are in this position where the last time we were, of course, trying to sell the studio back to some of these people who use it so much that we thought they'd definitely want to own it. And that was our concept for Brazilian, RIP Brazilian. Yeah, RIP, RIP.

RIP, say Brazilian. And we now are in a spot where the real estate question has come and gone. RIP Brazilian and these offices really. Are you putting an R in Brazilian? It sounds like there's an R in it. Bar-jillion. Yeah. Yeah, we're putting an RIP in it.

Oh, okay. Because RIP bajillion. Okay, so it's ripjillion. So we now are in this position where what do we need here at the studio? And a lot of people might realize that we need a new Chef Kevin. Yeah. Chef Kevin has been launched into the stratosphere. Yes.

He's got this huge promotion. A lot of things have changed since you were last here, Tony. We are rich, for one thing. Oh, wow. Our show is sick. Yes. But it is rich. Limping and dying, but just loaded.

Yes. Okay, wow. rich. Limping and dying, but just loaded. Yes. It's this sick, decrepit wildebeest who has a freaking scratcher tucked in his little pocket. And he knows it's a winner? And he knows it's a winner, yeah. Has he told anyone else?

I guess you're telling me right now. No one to tell, really. Yeah, nobody who really wants to listen. No one to share. Okay. Wow, well, congrats. Nobody even knows he's a wildebeest. You know what I mean? Like, he'll go like, yeah, I'm doing my wildebeest stuff. I have my wildebeest thing on Saturday. People go like,

oh, you have a wildebeest? And it's like, yeah, I've been doing it for five years or so. But, yeah, no, I am. It's like, we actually just found this great scratch-off ticket ticket and we're rich now. And then people will go like, oh, and sort of look like, what could that even mean? What could that mean?

Do you find that when they are surprised to hear about that you're a wildebeest on the weekends, do you find that they're kind of like, oh, now does that pay or are you paying to do it to be a wildebeest? Well, the reaction I'm getting now is when I say like, well, we're actually rich from doing the wildebeest thing now. People are like, really? For that? Yeah. Yeah. The thing that I heard?

Yeah. Wow. For that show. Wow. Well, you know, people do anything now. Yeah. The thing that I heard? Yeah. Wow. For that show. Wow. Well, you know, people do anything now. You get a lot of that. Yes.

Both. Yes. People will do anything now. I was with a friend of mine this week who I really like, and I mentioned our Wildebeest project here. And he said, yeah, I kind of stopped listening because I don't really watch reality TV anymore. And he thought that I was still doing my old Wildebeest. Wow. That was from a long time ago.

He hasn't been on Safari. That was before Tani was even on the scene, really. I know. I know. She might not even know about that one. Yeah, I didn't listen to a lot of podcasts. But we would have loved if you'd been on the scene. Oh, my God.

Imagine. Episode 31. Oh, man. Fucking podcasts. But we would have loved, if you'd been on the scene, oh my God. Imagine episode 31. Oh man. Fucking sick. Wouldn't that have been great? I might have taken over that wildebeest. Yeah, that would have been a real easy one. You could now.

Just bleeding out in a ditch somewhere. It feels now like, okay, this is like a plane, right? This wildebeest is like a plane. It mostly flies itself. This is good. We need more analogies. Yeah, yeah. We need to layer these.

We need to just make it harder to track. Like an airplane, you know, they say, like, the instruments do most of the work, and the pilots are just sitting up there. On LA to Vegas, they say it. Do they say that? Captain Dave, yeah, because somebody's like, shouldn't you be in the cockpit when he's back doing kind of antics? Yeah. Yeah. But he's like, no, it flies itself. you be in the cockpit when he's like back like doing they're like kind of antics yeah yeah but he's like no he's mostly yeah in the cab but but like this could fly itself kind of but you guys still know which buttons to press i don't know the buttons okay so i don't totally know how to fly it but back then episode 30 that was like what like a kite i could have flown a kite yeah so that show was a kite i'm gonna have

to learn a little bit more before i take over this wildebeest a dragon like a dragon box kite one of those fighting ones so cool so to just get back into what we're doing uh chef Kevin, I guess because we're so rich now, has decided that he wants to get in on some of this too. And he has changed his title at the office, which now forces everyone else to adjust. He has a million different jobs now. And if you'll notice, he's chef engineer Kevin today. I know.

And this is the first time I've seen him in a chair. Yeah. Are you familiar with the mobile theory of family dynamics? No. So Earwolf is a family, and I, of course, have a little background in family counseling. And you think of a unit like this as a mobile that hangs above a baby's crib. You know a mobile? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. The things that are like scary little ghosts that fly around a baby's bed. Well, they fly around above. And if you yank on one, what happens to everybody else? They fly in a different pattern. They have to adjust. Okay. If one piece of the mobile, Chef Kevin, for instance, is dragging down or raised up, doesn't everyone else have to adjust? And because we are a unit, because we are one big family here at Earwolf, we now all have to adjust to Kevin's ascension.

we now all have to adjust to Kevin's ascension. And what we're learning is in order to sort of counterbalance, weigh it back down to get it where it can just sort of spin and be fun and be nice and help us go to sleep, we're going to need to add a piece to this mobile. Are we hiring? We're hiring. We're hiring. We're hiring. Now, Hayes and I, of course, want to get somebody in here who really knows.

This landscape, this industry. You can't bring in a stranger off the street. No, absolutely not. And it's going to take months to get them up to speed. Yeah. So we were hoping you could call some of your famous best friends who we know know the freaking studio. Okay. To make them the new Chef Engineer Kevin.

Sure. So people who work here already is what you're talking about. No, no, no, not necessarily. But people who know this office and come here every day and do work here. Yes, of course, yes. So they know the lay of the land. Yes. Great.

To be the new ghost on the mobile. Imagine not understanding that the elevator is somehow always under construction. Right. Oh, my God. And then trying to do your job. And it's full of the walls are paper. If you just showed up and that was no longer a paper elevator, I would be so scared.

I'd be like, where have we transported to? So we need somebody who gets that that's always going to be a paper sack. It's a paper elevator, and sometimes there's a big giant piece of flypaper in front of it. That descends without warning. And it's loud and scary. It looks like it could crush you. And that there's sometimes always like those moving blankets in there. Yes.

Hanging as though someone's just bringing pianos in and out all the live long day. Okay, so. That Scripps bought the company for $50 million. And then there's one elevator here. And then it's covered in paper all the time. And there's a big heavy piece of flat paper that almost drops on your head when you come in and out. Can I ask you a business question? Please.

Is Scripps the same company that used to give me personal pan pizzas for reading books in elementary school? Okay. Great business question. How do I break this down? I guess you just say yes or no. Hang on, because you asked me the questions. I know about the spelling bee thing, but this, in your case, there was a pizza.

I feel like in my— There's one, you know, the one on TV where everyone is spelling the words. So that component I understand, but there is no pizza in that. Wait, what do you mean on TV? What are you talking about? Okay, so the thing that most of us are familiar with— She wanted just a yes or no, remember, but now we're understanding that she doesn't know about TV. So there's a big script, Spelling Bee, on TV.

Like a show? And they spell the words. They spell. I don't know what this is. B-E-R-J-I-L-L-I-O. You don't know what TV is? I know what a Spelling Bee is. I'm not familiar with this program.

Is this a documentary? TV is like big CISO. Yes, thank you. Imagine a CISO, but it's a bunch of different CISOs. And each one has a number. Okay, okay, okay, okay. And each CISO has its own take my wife and shrink. But how do I watch it?

How do I watch this big seesaw? Because seesaw itself is hard enough to find. Imagine a seesaw machine without a keyboard, but the keyboard is in your hand. How do you tell it what you want to watch? The keyboard in your hand. Yes, you have a keyboard wand. Like an iPad. Forget it. Forget scripts. I don't care. I an iPad. You know, forget it. Forget scripts.

I don't care. I had pizzas. I don't care about the spelling bee. Okay, and you were reading for the pizza. I read for the pizza. That was also part of the book it program. Were you reading a menu and ordering a pizza? Yeah, I was in a round table, and I read the menu, and when I got to the end of the

menu, my reward was I got to then select one of the things I'd read, and the teacher in the apron would bring it to me. And then at the end, my aunt would give the teacher a donation for the school fundraiser. That was Scripps. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Great. All right. Thank you for answering my question. So who are we calling? Well, let's look through the contacts. Yeah, let's go through all your contacts and see who makes the most sense. You want to go through all of them?

Yeah, well, we'll start with A. I can't. I've never been able to delete. You know how with iCloud, it constantly keeps your contacts forever? So every time I update, this is boring, but I have, like, thousands of people in here. My first contact is someone named Ada. Imagine telling somebody in like the Mayflower, this is boring, but I have a thousand people in my phone.

Yeah, this is boring, but this magic box that I can use to find a new Chef Kevin whenever I want. Yeah, I got too many people in it. Imagine telling the Mayflower that. Say it. Try saying that to the Mayflower with a straight face and see what they say back. They'd be like, which? Well, they won't be. Well, that's not boring, though.

No. They're certainly not bored. But then I'm dead. This scenario gets me killed. That's boring. That's the most boring. Death is the ultimate boredom. Bored to death. Yes.

The first person in my contacts is a great cast. Aims. Incredible cast. Is a woman named Ada who I don't know anymore. I have no idea who that woman is. Ada. That's my New York. Bored to death.

That is my New York. Great cast. Great people involved. And the show was great. Well, and Jonathan. Yeah. His hat. Great hat.

The first A of a person who works in this building, or I'm sorry, who comes to this building frequently and knows the lay of the land, I guess is Scott Aukerman. Okay. Oh, okay. All right. Let's try it. God, I guess we have to go. Okay, let's go. I'm not holding out much hope, but let's see. So I'm just going to call him cold. All right. Let's try it. God, I guess we have to go. Okay, let's call him. I'm not holding out much hope, but let's see.

So I'm just going to call him cold. All right. I'll try it. Let's see how weird this is. Not me. I hope he thinks I'm, like, in jail. And he's the only person I had. I could call for my one phone call.

He's going to push it right to voicemail. He's looking at it and thinking, shouldn't I just let her leave a message? He's like, why would she be calling me? Yeah. Hello, you've reached Scott. Leave a message. What's like, why would she be calling me? Yeah. Hello, you've reached Scott. Leave message. What a weird... He sounds drunk on his voicemail. Should we leave a

voicemail? Hi, Scott. This is Tawny. I don't think he can hear you unless you have it. Oh, hi, Scott. This is Tawny. I'm just calling you because it's normal for me to do so. Happy Saturday. Bye. Was that good, guys? That seemed pretty good. Yeah, that was good. I wish he had committed to do so. Happy Saturday. Bye. Was that good, guys? That seemed pretty good.

Yeah, that was good. I wish he had committed to his voicemail bit. I know. He bailed on it at the end. It's 20% more. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's like he was recording the voicemail,

and they were like, as it's saying, at the beep, record your message. And then he was like, I should do something funny. I'm like, I'm Scott Aukerman. Here's what I think happened. I think he planned ahead and went, I'm going to do'm Scott Aukerman. Here's what I think happened. I think he planned ahead and went, I'm going to do this really funny voicemail.

He started to do it and then realized, boy, what if somebody important's calling? Yes, yes, yes. So in the middle of it, he went like, but I should still be,

you know, like I should be on the line where they go like, oh, maybe he was just sleepy. He did sound sleepy. Yes. You could interpret it as sleepy or as really funny.

Okay, let's do Paul. All right. He'd be great. That's more likely. He'd be such a great chef, Kevin. Kevin, can't you admit that? He'd be great. Of all people.

Can you out of everyone here finally admit that Paul would make a good chef, Kevin? Maybe he'd be able to get us some guests. Tell me real quick what your job is. Tell me three things that your job is so that I can ask Paul properly. Oh, right. Old Chef Kevin. Production coordinator? Sure.

And don't make them real. Make them funny and entertaining. Oh, yeah. Do something good, Kevin. That would be really nice. Yeah, probably talk to fun people. Right when they come in, you get to chat with fun people. You get to organize the studio calendar.

That's like a huge part of this. Crashing and burning. You know, you were saying the planes fly themselves. What's happening? Apparently not all planes fly themselves because I'm watching one freaking in a tailspin right now. Crashing the fucking mountainside. Jesus. Jesus. Okay, I'll

try Paul, and then I'm trying Scott again, because I just, I don't like to accept defeat. Alright, so you organize shit, you talk to fun people, and you never sit down. Got it. Okay. Kevin's desk moved. Was that part of the promotion?

Paul? Paul? Paul? Paul? Townes, what's up? Hi. I'm just here alone. Definitely, I don't have any people with me talking to you

on the phone. Sean and Hayes aren't here. Sean and Hayes are not here. Have I interrupted you? Listen. Yeah? I can't believe... Oh, no. You know what?

Oh, no, he's mad again. No, no, no, no. Back, call him back. You guys, we're damaging a famous friendship that I have. I hold my famous friendships dearer than family. Hey, it's Tons. Hi, it's Paul. Straight voicemail.

You guys, this is fucked up. He doesn't want to be part of the content. He doesn't want to. Oh, God. Because he learned something that we just learned a long time ago, which is you got to get paid. You got to get paid. Should we tell him we can pay him? Well, since he answered, we can list him as a guest now.

Oh, you're right. Yeah, there you go. Okay, that's good. I'm trying Scott again. Call him and tell him that. So, like, when you click his little icon, his Earwolf page, this episode will show up as one of the episodes he guested on. As one of the episodes that he appears in. Yep.

Okay, good. Okay. We're doing Scott now because, I mean, why not burn all my bridges with the successful white men I've hitched my wagon to? Oh, boy. Not happening. Scott? Yeah. Wait, I have Paul on the other line can we merge these

hang on one second Paul yeah are you mad at me you know what he doesn't mean I was in the middle of a very important call

and the fact that I had to Tony, I was in the middle of a very important call and the fact that I had to take time away from that to answer your call Can I put you on hold for one second? I could really use this opportunity Hey, Scott? Yes

Wait, I was trying to add Paul Damn it Yeah, I was trying to add Paul. Damn it. Yeah, I can hear you. I can hear you. Is everyone here? Who's everyone? Me, Paul, and Scott, and not Sean and Hayes.

Scott Ockman? Yeah. Hey, guys. What's up? Hey, Honey Bear, what's up? Hey Honey Bear, what's up? This is a normal Saturday conversation for the three of us to have. Tell them about the big opportunity. Tell them about, yeah, that you just happened to have. Look, if those guys want to contact me.

I feel like, what? If those guys want to contact me, they can call me themselves. I just don't like this whole thing. Well, we tried that last year and you didn't answer. So they had to use my phone. I'm so sorry, you guys. They thought it'd be more normal for me to call you, Scott, because I do every Saturday. Wait. Hold on a second. Is this going to be an

annual thing? Yeah. Merry Christmas, bitch. Okay, look, there's an opportunity. There's a huge opportunity here at Earwolf. Are your ears open? Say sorry for saying Merry Christmas, bitch. And? Say sorry for saying Merry Christmas, bitch. And I'm sorry for saying Merry Christmas, bitch. Good, good, good.

Okay, now that you apologize for that. Yeah, my ears are open. My ears are open. Okay, so we all know our good friend and confidant, Chef Kevin, has accepted new responsibilities. Right now he's twisting a bunch of knobs and pretending to be an audio engineer. So we need a new Chef Kevin. And we think that the two of you in a joint shared role capacity would be the perfect candidate. Who knows this place better than you guys?

Wow. Well, wow. Yeah. What were Kevin's responsibilities? I could never figure it out. Great question. I asked him just before I called you. Apparently they were organizing shit.

Talking to fun people. Talking to fun people. Right when they come in. Right when they come in. And then making coffee. And then I also added never sitting down at a real desk. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

I mean, I could probably take over the talking to fun people. Okay. I think that's more of a Paul thing. Was that Scott? Hayes thinks that. Somebody else there? No, no, no. I mean, not Hayes.

Just me. I think that that's more of a Paul thing. Like maybe Paul could talk to the fun people. Scott, you seem's more of a Paul thing. Like, maybe Paul could talk to the fun people. Scott, you seem like more of a coffee dude. That's fair. That's fair. That makes sense to me. Yeah.

Okay, great. So we got those duties divided up. What about organizing shit in the cupboards? Pass. Yeah, I once saw this movie called The Indian in the Cupboard, and it scared the Jesus out of me. I think we say Native American now. Yeah, I once saw this movie called The Indian in the Cupboard, and it scared the Jesus out of me. I think we say Native American now. Yeah, thank you.

What, we even apply it to titles of movies? Yeah, it's like how no one wants to— We also say—sorry, we also say cabinet. We don't say cupboard. Yeah, we say the Native American in the cabinet. Okay, so neither of you want to organize the Native Americans in the cabinet? No. Ask if one of them wants to take over Kevin's Tinder profile. Okay.

Do one of you want to take over Kevin's Tinder profile? That I definitely want. Sorry, I have good thoughts on that. Can we do it together? Yeah, you both do it together you both more yeah you both do it together is my vote i guess i don't know i could kind of do like kind of a three's company style you know we go on we ask someone out on a date and then you know we keep excusing ourselves to go to the bathroom and switch places and hope she doesn't notice. Are you dressed the same in this scenario?

Yeah, we can do that. Yes. No, no, no. Oh, what? No? I don't want to have to buy your entire wardrobe. No, no, no. We have a third.

There's like a neutral wardrobe that is stuff neither one of us would wear. And we also both wear red wigs. Maybe it's like a Tyvek suit from Breaking Bad. Kevin Smith style hockey jersey. Yes, exactly. This is great. I don't have to do anything. Long denim shorts that are cut off like right above the instep.

So they're pretty much just pants. They're going to need a backwards baseball cap for that. I'm getting that you're going to need a backwards baseball cap for this to work. You have to disclose that the first line in Kevin's Tinder bio is the office. Because he likes the office. What else is in there?

Arrested development. You buy them backwards. You buy them backwards. Do we have to walk into a hat store backwards? Will you read them your Tinder bio just so they know? For full disclosure. Oh, change that. That's ridiculous.

I mean, we could just go to Lids, right? You could just go to Lids. Tell them it has to be a Lids in Red Bank, New Jersey. It has to be a Lids in Red Bank, New Jersey. Hmm, pass. Oh, that's where Jon Stewart lives, though. You know where Jon Stewart lives? Why are we talking to these guys? where Jon Stewart lives, though. You know where Jon Stewart lives? Why are we talking to these guys?

Call Jon Stewart. I've had a request for someone for me to call Jon Stewart, but I don't have his number. Do you guys have his number? Not anymore. Will you tell them, just for full disclosure, that the first line of Kevin's Tinder bio is the office. The first line of Kevin's Tinder bio is the words the office. Just the words the office because it's a list of shows that he likes. It's a list of shows that he likes.

Are you guys cool with that? Is it an American workplace? Yeah, it's not the British version. Yeah, it's the office of Arrested Development. What else? Check it out with Steve Bruhl. Check it out with Steve Bruhl. So you know he goes indie.

He goes deep. Nothing they've worked. Is Mr. Show on there? Can I let these guys go? They probably have busy Saturdays. You guys have busy Saturdays, right? Oh, no. No.

I'm not doing anything. I don't do anything. Do you guys want to just come by Earwolf and we can drop a contract or something? I don't think so. All right. They're coming. They're on their way here. You can feel it.

Can we Insta-sign something? Yeah, you can. E-sign. Docu-sign? Docu-sign. E-sign, docu-sign. Docu-sign, yeah. Great.

I'll docu-sign some docs over to you, and then you can DocuSign them back. I'll open it in DocHub. Uh-huh. Yeah, this is great. This is great. I'll open it in DocHub. Great. And then DocuSign it.

Great. Do you have, like, a stylus? Ask if he can genius scan it. No, you know, they give you signatures to choose from. Uh-huh. Whose will you choose? And then you just pick one.huh. Whose will you choose? And then you just pick one. Whose sig will you choose?

Oh, Daniel Craig. Great. That's good. All right. I always pick John Hancock as sort of a joke. Oh, that's a funny joke, Scott. That is funny. That is funny.

Scott, where do you find the time? Where do you find the time with these jokes? To pick up jokes? Yeah. It's very hard. I usually do one a year. Okay, guys. Well, I look forward to talking to you in about 10 months' time.

We'll do this again. Free guests. I love it. 10 months? These cycles are getting shorter. All right. I'll DocuSign all those docs over to your DocHub, and you guys can sig them and send them back. All right.

Thanks, Connie. Thanks, guys, so much. Thanks for picking up the call like it's normal for you to do with me. It's very normal for us to have a three-way conversation like this. Yeah. And it's like when I see your name come up at the call, I'm certainly not worried or anything. You're in some kind of trouble.

Because we do talk on the phone all the time. I'm so glad that I didn't worry you or cause you any stress today. Why would you? It's weird I even brought that up. It is weird. It is weird. But it just tells me how much you guys care. So thanks for that.

That's right. Talk to you later. Hope I'm never in a real emergency. Okay. Bye. Bye. Probably good to stay out of, like, trouble on Saturday mornings. But those cartoons, I get so many ideas.

I know, I know. I'm just like, oh, I could throw that piano out the window. Crazy ideas. No, it does always seem like, oh, maybe I'll try that. Maybe I can fly. And then before you know it, yeah. It's so easy. We should do that every time.

Have the guests call two other guests that are, no offense, even more famous. No, yeah. I need them. And just let that be the thing. I got to say, I didn't like how little I got to do during all that. I loved how little I got to do. For me, I just felt like, I mean, I guess I liked that I didn't have to do anything, but I didn't like that I had to be here if I wasn't going to do anything.

Right. Yeah, I could tell by your body languages. Like, Sean, you sat forward like you wanted to be much more active. Hayes, you laid fully down on the floor and pulled out a blankie. Yeah. Very confident pose. Well, it's a beach wash. That's a power pose.

The one thing I missed from that call is sometimes when we talk about Paul, he'll, is there a picture happening? Sean's making a picture face. Okay. Is that sometimes when we talk about Paul on the show, he'll text and be like, hey, I listened to it. And I'll be like, that's so nice. Paul listens to the show.

But he did not do that this week. That's the best, yeah. Because we did talk about listens to the show. But he did not do that this week. That's the best, yeah. Because we did talk about him on the last episode, and he didn't do that. And he didn't even bring it up on the call. He didn't bring it up. I think he's kind of over the show. Yeah. I texted him not that long ago about an episode of his show.

And he said, so glad you're listening to a second episode of my show, accusing me of only having heard one before. And I told them that that wasn't true, and it wasn't true. Did they all feature me or some or one or percentage? I'm going to max out at two on you being involved. Okay. Did I do the same voice? I'm going to say, yeah.

What's your character voice? I've got like four accents. Yeah, let's bang them out. Okay, I've got like kind of Russian-y person. Like this, you know? Yeah. Then I've got like... That's Borat.

Oh, shit. I regret to inform you that that is Borat. No, no, but it's different. I say things like, my wife. Okay. Is that... And then I'm like... That's far enough for me. Wow, no, but it's different. I say things like, my wife. Okay. Is that? And then I'm like, that's far enough for me.

Wow, wow, we see, though. Is that it? That's an original. That's far enough away from me. Okay, thank you. And then I have another voice that's like, you know, hey, what do you know?

That's just like a guy. Yeah, old timey. Yeah, that's like an old timey guy. Does that remind you of anybody? What do you know? Hey, what you of anybody? What do you know? What do you know? What do you got going on? Bill Nye or something.

Yeah. Well, people have compared it to Bill Nye. But it's different, though. I say like, I wear a boater and I know science. Okay. So it's very different. Yeah. He doesn't say that.

It's implied. And then I have like, oh, I'm Courtney Love. Okay. Wow. That reminds me of someone for sure does it? it's a completely original she just goes like ooh hole that really is reminding me of someone I cannot put my finger on

well you're just going to have to listen to more episodes and then tell me if I'm still apparently biting other people's does your character say Courtney Love? Yeah, she just goes, ooh, Courtney. You know like a Pokemon, how they only say what they are? She's like, Courtney Love. Yeah, okay, and so that was three.

Oh, you want the fourth one? The Chicago one. Yeah, was that Kevin? No, it was you. Oh, I'm so confused. I don't know when I'm pimping myself. Yeah, and then I do like a guy who's from Chicago, and he's very like, hello, I'm so confused. I don't know when I'm pimping myself. Yeah, and then I do a guy who's from Chicago and he's very like, hello, I am from Chicago.

And he's got a really thick Chicago accent where he's like, I love Vienna beef hot dogs. Portillos, etc. My favorite team is the Bears. The Bears. I love the Bears. Yeah, that's how he talks.

Michael Ditka. Yeah, he loves Michael Ditka. Michael Jordan, number 23. Chicago man. Yeah, he's very Chicago. Classic. Chicago man. It's classic.

I got to say, I'm a little disappointed we found a Chef Kevin so easily. Yeah. I thought we were going to call more people to be Chef Kevin. And what ended up happening was we found two great candidates who were willing to share the responsibility right away. We want to find someone to undercut them. Yeah, to work for cheaper. That's good.

And maybe someone we've never met. That could be interesting. Who doesn't know the ropes. I don't know a bunch of these Brazilian people. I've never met Balts. Okay. Ryan Gall, never seen him. Never seen him?

We've seen him in passing, surely. I've seen him on the couch. Yeah. But I've never even seen Balts on the couch. That's true. Man, I don't know. A dude? A dude?

I could try a dude. You want to talk to a dude? He's just going to get fake angry and shout at us the whole time. That's his bit. Okay. Is that what you want for this show? What type of vibe do you want? I can't really have him do that.

A dude's going to take your bit. That's kind of one of our bits. Yeah. And we have three bits. Oh, what are they? They're stalling for time when I get asked a question. What's that one sound like? Geez.

Am I supposed to do it right now? Are you asking to hear it? That's okay. Never mind. What's your second one? There's a dude's bit where we get angry. Fake angry. Third bit?

Just that me and Hazel are in love. Oh, that's nice. It's like funny that we would be gay. Yeah, that's hilarious. Yeah, to us, that's a really rich vein for comedy. Because it's so unusual and strange. That we're two men who would want to kiss. Yeah, because imagine.

Imagine. Wouldn't that be crazy? Yeah, so we do that joke, which is going to age pretty well. Yeah. I'm sure when we listen back to this in 25, 30 years, everyone will be like, those guys were on the right side of history. Yeah. Yeah, I mean. Irresistibly funny.

So, I don't know. I have thousands of phone numbers in this phone and like i i feel like i screwed up by inviting them to split the the duties because that makes it much more appealing yeah yeah whoever we get one person to do all of it yeah and you may want to mention that we're going to be getting a percentage of their pay because it's sort of a finder's fee for filling the role. And that we're going to own a percentage of their podcast. And their ongoing projects. Because a lot of stuff comes from, look at

Kevin. Look at what's happened to Kevin. This is from him meeting all these people. I know. Suddenly he's in a sweatshirt. Yes. I've never seen this before. A sweatshirt with the fuck word on it. Can you read Kevin's sweatshirt? Stand up like you're so good at doing. She fucking shreds.

I don't like it. It's a publication that's about women guitar players and bass players and stuff. Oh, now I love it. And you just walk down the street with that? Yeah. Do you go in and get food with that? To be honest, this is the first time I've worn it. But what if a baby saw it?

Mommy, what's that? I'm kind of nervous about that. You kiss your mother with that sweatshirt? I don't know what I'm going to say to that. You kiss your mother wearing that sweatshirt? That's the name of the magazine? It's called She Shreds. And their sweatshirts say, like, She Shreds or She Fucking Shreds.

One time I ordered this T-shirt for a band that I like, and it had little designs around the edge that I could see in the photo online, but it just sort of looked like, I was like, oh, there's some cool little sort of hieroglyphs there. And then when the shirt showed up, all the little doodles were of dollar bills and breasts. And so I never wore that shirt. Okay.

What was the band? Smug. Nice. I'm calling Drew. Is there a feud happening between you guys? A little bit. Oh, no. This will be good.

This will be good. I sensed tension earlier, and what can I say? I'm just a shit starter. Is this a weird phone call for him? This is... I mean, any phone call is weird. Any phone call is weird. Getting a phone call is strange.

Your call has been forwarded to an... She can't afford to do a voicemail. Or also the celebrity thing of... Oh, I don't want my name or my voice on the thing. Because hackers could splice up my words and then use it to... Be able to confirm that it's my number. Yeah, and also the hackers splicing

up the words. And then they can get into your offshore bank accounts with voice recognition. That's why most celebrities don't do it. I don't know. I tried. Or they could get into the rich family vault in Mount Richmore. Oh, that's true.

Okay, you know who would be really good at thankless manual labor is Mandel Mon. Oh, Mandel Mon. Mandel, who we have not had. Never spoken to. I got introduced once. Oh, yeah? How'd it go? She shook my hand and said, hi, I'm Mandel.

Can you book her? You want me to book her as a guest? Can you book her as a guest? Sure, sure, sure. This is more normal. Mandel and I talk on the phone. Because ladies gab, you know? Thank you for saying it because I'm thinking it, but I'm going like with Kevin's shirt, I can't say it.

I can't say it in front of that shirt. Kevin can't say it either. And another one of those. Saturday morning is a, maybe it's a precious time for people. She might be brunching. Drew just texted me and said I'm at my dad's birthday party. And his dad is famous. And his dad's a famous character as well.

See if you can get them both on the phone. Yeah, let me see. Say, okay, just right. Call me back. Urgent. This is because... Tell him we're going to make his dad viral again. Man, I'm starting to feel like

I'm getting all these... I know. Actually, I sort of feel like I'm just a conduit to all these people. You don't even really want me on the show. Famous viral people. You don't even want me on the even really want me on the show. Famous viral people. You don't even want me on the show, guys. You just want my phone on the show. Next time you book me, should I just give you my

iPhone password? No, you wouldn't want to do that. You're too scared. I'll just give you my thumbprint. You're not brave enough to do that, you chicken shit coward. Take a picture of my fucking thumb, you guys. Put my phone on the Earwolf website. You can do it.

Just hold the picture of your thumb up to the phone. I said, will you both get on the phone to Drew? And he said, ha ha, he is yelling at his friends about who has the lowest blood pressure. Okay. So I guess that's a no. Sounds like it could be a very gentle no. It's a gentle no. Can you let him know that there is such a thing as your blood pressure being too low?

Yeah, hypotension. I'm not going to let him know that because it makes me seem like a nerd. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to know what you're protecting. Like some kind of nurse nerd. Maybe do it in your Bill Nye character. Oh, good call. Drew's just very cool, and if I am not cool enough he'll ditch me fast.

I don't know who else to... Are you doing Teacher's Lounge a lot? I did one. Okay. Damn. Do you book us on that? You want me to book you on that? That's the ongoing feud. I'm sorry there's a feud there. I had no idea otherwise I would never have brought them up.

It's just sort of the new Hollywood handbook. The way people talk about it is the way they used to talk about us. How did they used to talk about you? Were they like, what is that? This show's really good. What's a podcast? How do I? You guys got to check out this show.

Yeah. They really were very excited about us. And now they're sort of done with us. And now Teacher's Lounge is like, the new baby in the house. Is that just because there's twice as many of them as there are? Have you guys thought about getting two new people? Like maybe a woman who's sitting here with you right now could be one. Or we have also talked about trying to be two of the new teachers.

Yeah. Instead of us having four, what if they had six? That's a great idea. That's like that show teachers. Finally, six boys. Six boys. Just what we've. Finally, six boys. Six boys. Just what we've been clamoring for. Yeah.

Yeah, like the show Teachers, well, there were a few of those. There was an old one, but there's a new one on TV Land. There's a new one on TV Land. They're all gals from Chicago who I'm friendly with. Can you call them all? You didn't get to be any of the teachers. I didn't get to be any of the teachers. Can you call them all?

Can I call them all? Yeah. I probably have half of their phone of the teachers. Can you call them all? Can I call them all? Yeah. I probably have half of their phone numbers. Okay. It would be extremely weird. It would be weird, yeah. Weirder than me calling Scott. Can you book them on the show?

Yeah, maybe I'll just send an email. But can you call them? Can you at least use a voice-to-text function? What if I just, I mean. Can you call Tim Baltz? Because I actually am trying to get him on this show. Kevin wants to talk to Baltz. Tim is busy. Okay, I'll try Tim.

Every time we ask a little window into Tawny's relationship with each of these people, and that is so fun for the people listening. Because you know what it is. I'll be very candid. Some of these people I owe a real friendship phone call. So then to suddenly call them as part of some scheme to get them to work for Earwolf. You owe people friendship phone calls?

Well, sometimes. What are people's lives? Timbalt's moved away. What is happening for people? Why'd he move? He moved away to be on the opposition on Comedy Central. So he lives in New York. And we haven't talked.

And I'm supposed to call him. We were supposed to catch up because we're friends. We used to go to lunches here. We can listen to that. Here's maybe a catchphrase that Jordan Klepper could use. When you klep back with facts, that's a wrap. Wait, can you say it more slowly? Because I got lost in the rhyme.

Because Klepper. So he could say, when you clap back with facts. What is clap back? That's a rap. It's like a play on the famous phrase, when you clap back with facts, that's a rap. But instead it's Jordan Klepper. And I know that phrase is very famous, when you clap back with facts, that's a rap. Is it from something original?

Hmm? Is it from like a show or anything? The same? The original one. Because I know everyone says when you clap that you're a sexist. Everybody says it. That's a wrap. But I was just wondering if there was like one place it was said originally that I just

like forgot. Online. Online. Yeah. Just like Twitter. Yeah. Okay. And maybe instead of the opposition, because really it's just one guy, the opposite man.

There's a whole cast. Okay. But it's mainly the one guy. I mean, there's like six correspondents. It's like, have you seen The Daily Show? The opposite man and friends. The Daily Show? Yeah.

I remember recently someone refused to call Jon Stewart for me. Look, I don't have Jon Stewart's phone number. I just weirdly happen to know what town he lives in. You think he and Kevin Smith are hanging out over there? Maybe he doesn't want people knowing. Balt has it. What might that be like? Opposition surely a busboy production.

If I had the spot sound effects, I'd hit a friggin' button. Or just imagine a conversation between Jon Stewart and Kevin Smith. Is it happening right now or in the past? Because I have memorized the sound effects and I could just do it for you. And when's in the future? Yeah. So when is this conversation happening? Probably in the future, right?

Yeah. Okay. Next week. Hey, thanks for coming over for the Super Bowl. Nice jorts. Did you see Rosewood yet? Nope. Oh.

Nice jorts. Ba-da-doo, ba-da-doo, ba-da-doo, ba-da-doo, ba-da-doo. And then we're back to the present. So both of them had jorts. Yeah. One of them. One of them is either, so it's either someone asking Jon Stewart if he has seen Jon Stewart's movie without knowing the name of the movie, which is Rosewater. Well, but Rosewood was a TV show.

Right. Are you talking about Deadwood? And a movie. Deadwood was a TV show that I've heard of. Deadwood was a TV show for sure. So it has nothing to do with Rosewater. No. Was Rosewood a spinoff of Deadwood?

Rosewood is a Morris Chestnut show? Mm-water. No. Was Rosewood a spinoff of Deadwood? Well, Rosewood is a Morris Chestnut show? Mm-hmm. Okay. So it's either Kevin Smith may be asking if he's seen Rosewood

because he assumes he'd be mad about it because of Rosewater. Mm-hmm. Okay. Look, I say we just allow

Scott and Paul to take over Kevin's duties and then we find someone else to take over Scott and Paul's duties. Sounds like someone trying to close the book on this episode.

Yeah, it does really feel like somebody trying to get out of the episode. I'm not trying to get out of the episode. I'm trying to bring it back to the premise we established. Trying to put a nice bow on it. Meanwhile, we have this great thing going on the Kevin Smith Jon Stewart scenario. This incredible Kevin Smith Jon Stewart thing where somebody said Rosewood and it wasn't

a mistake. And it seems like somebody's getting a little bit jealous. Look, I've already admitted I don't know how to fly the plane. You guys fly this plane, okay? Another callback. It feels like a second. I'm just trying to stay on topic.

Fine, I can talk about nonsense and bullshit all day long. Wrap up attempt. Somebody give me a podcast. I'll just talk about garbage all day and nothing will make sense. A sandwich in the wind. Let's riff on that, boys.

Man, imagine going to order a sandwich with your little baby and you turn around and Kevin's got the fuck word on his shirt. That's insane to me. You kiss your mother's sandwich with that shirt. You order your mother's sandwich with that shirt. Wow, another callback. What he did was a callback. Why am I the only one getting shit for callbacks? Sean's been exclusively speaking in callbacks.

When you callback with facts, that's a wrap. That's a callback. You should have a Stitcher. Now that we're friends with Stitcher Premium, we can talk to them. I have one. You want to get involved? I have one now. Yeah, I know.

That's what we're telling you. We just got you one. Yeah. You guys did that for me? Yeah. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. Because we said we would walk. We'll go home. Yeah, I know. That's what we're telling you. We just got you one. Yeah. You guys did that for me? Yeah. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. Because we said we would walk.

We'll go home. You said forget it. If it's not freaking, it's either us and Tawny, or is Tawny doing one? Yeah. So I'm on your show, and I got my own show. That's what I'm hearing. Because we know how to get home. You know what I mean?

No. It's like, if you don't give us what we want and give Tonya the shell, we actually know how to make our way home. Oh, I see. Right now. We have directions pulled up to our house right now. We can call a Lyft. I have a bunch of MapQuest directions printed out onto computer paper on the floor of my car.

And once I put them into order, I'm going to have a pretty good idea of how to get home. I get that. And just because the page numbers at the top are smudged does not mean that I won't figure it out. Nope. Because I can context clues left turn on fountain, right turn on. And even if it takes me a little longer than normal to get home, because I am sort of walking while looking at these and going like, oh, wait, okay, no, that was wrong. That still is not going to stop me from doing just that.

And if you photocopy those and give them to me, I will get in a Lyft and I'll hand them to the Lyft driver and I'll say, please don't read these while you drive. Please pull over and memorize them. Drive me to Sean's house because their direction is to your place. And then I'll figure out my way home from there. Do you guys want to hear Mandel's response? Yeah. Okay.

Oh, do you not want to hear it? You don't want to hear it? Maybe you don't. It's not going to make you happy. Okay. Okay, let's hear it. I said, do you want to, can I call you? I'm with Sean and Hayes.

Who? Well, it's not, I actually said Hollywood Handbook and they want to call you. And she said, I'm at brunch with Jamie Gall. What said Hollywood Handbook and they want to call you and she said I'm at brunch with Jamie Gall what's Hollywood Handbook bye this has been an Earwolf production

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