Hollywood Handbook - Tawny Newsome and Her Friends, Our Close Friends Again

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

The Boys ask TAWNY NEWSOME to call some of her famous friends again to hear the pitch of a lifetime. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i'm trying to get my hand to do the shaka thing where when you're like basically the way you say like it's just like being cool in hawaii with your hand yes you tell them like it's okay like i'm cool like so i tried to do you just did it right in the camera i tried to do it that hand does it this this one i it's like i not all the fingers will go okay so i can do it one at a time i do it with the one i try to do it and I'm giving a thumbs up, which is like, okay. No, that's a similar message.

It is similar. When that happens, that's okay. But then I push the thumb down and the pinky goes up, but I can't do both at the same time. And then by the time I have, I'm basically like forcing my thumb. I have to put my thumb in my mouth and kind of yank that over and then hold my pinky out with the other side and by the time i'm done i'm not feeling the spirit of the hand no now you actually wish that your hand was in a different shape when you finally get it there you go like well this is now sending the opposite message to what i want to send which is

please help yes like someone please help me which there is no really no hand sign for there is if you're choking there's a specific one that you can do that i also cannot do like it's a bit it's a really long process if i'm at a restaurant i can use the fork and knife to pry my hands into the shape that they need to be in but if i'm alone i don't have the tools that one i won't do the choking one because it's like almost a trick because it's like okay you're choking now do a hand thing where you are choking yourself right exactly and it's like i'm already choking and now you want me to choke myself it's you want the opposite yeah that it should be like yeah it's like i'm choking so choke me what you should be doing is i think it should be like uh um you form your hand into like a ball, like you fist form,

and you spring that from your mouth forward. Like, this is what I want to happen. You do it from the side. You face sideways so they can't see it behind your head, and then your fist is like springing out of your mouth, and that's the food exploding out of you. Shooting out, and you go, this is the desired effect,

rather than just saying what's happening i hate that we talk about the problem and not the solution and that's this country and that's this um it's basically every problem boils down to that and the federal reserve is doing that and go and go oh the you know the bad stuff and i go what are we gonna do about it like what's the fist shooting out of the mouth and you know let's stop making the fucking throat hand gesture i love that we're actually talking about this at all as we're like everyone else in this zoom is just like i guess they feel like they're on a trip to the movies or something yeah and just like just watching me and i guess i'm the movies just like watching like i'm talking well and i'm not to take away from you but i feel like i also

am the movies in this case yeah you and i are each maybe different movies i'm at minimum i'm maybe a trailer for another movie that you could come and see next week and then you're like the main attraction so if anyone wants to weigh in on this it's actually really important stuff and people are actually dying of this stuff all the time because we don't talk about it because we never discuss the solution of choking or their hand hurts how can you be working on the solution if you're just talking about the problem tony go um you can't you can't sam say the same thing you can't kevin don't you dare don't even think about it get your head away from the microphone put it away somewhere else this isn't a conversation for you pal you are the problem I don't want to talk about you

I'd like to focus on the solution let's not discuss Kevin on this episode my solution is my fist yeah shooting out of my mouth oh when I can form a fist you better watch out pal

I'm the host of Hollywood Handbook and my name is Hayes I'll go next I'm Hayes' friend and I'm one of the main guys who does the show is this when I go? now you go

my name is Tawny and I'm also on the show today you better believe it they have to on it, around it I just show today. You better believe it. They have to. On it, around it. I just said it. They got to believe it. In it.

Yeah. So you guys doing the show in quarantine has been going well? Why did you say I was talking too loud? The quarantine episodes have been actually a lot of our strongest ones. Wow. What did we have? Alan Yang. It's going good.

Yeah. Alan Yang, director of Tiger Tail. Someone made a joke in a comment that I'd like to steal. Yes, I saw it. Okay, go ahead uh well no go i mean i was gonna it was something was it the wagger tail one yeah it was just basically saying wagger tail that's pretty good yeah i knew you'd like it yeah i like it why are you here tawny um you know i'm here because uh earwolf put out a company-wide call and said who has a decent

fucking microphone um and then only those people get to be guests now it was really rudely worded but like i i get it you know i get it so i have equipment and uh kevin said okay you're allowed to come on because you can self-record. You're capable. That was nice. Tawny, I truly do not want to make sad feelings. I really, truly do not want to. Space

Force would have been Tawny's first press junket. Is this true? I mean, yeah. First, like, like real i guess i don't know i guess i've done other things but like yeah this real press junket come on you know what he means did you do one for nasty umpire what was that show called a mean baseball man no um i we did like a summit like an ifc summit. That was fun.

But no, you're right. This would have been a big thing. And now it's not. And now I'm just doing weird Skype interviews from my couch. It's still a big thing. The show's still a big thing. It's still big. The show's still big.

Well, we'll see when it comes out. What if it's very small? What if all this hype and then it's just a very small show? There no big or small anymore there's just shows that's true everything you're watching everything on your phone so well quibi is small like the shows are intentionally small they're just little quick bites but yeah and that's and that's by design i'm not saying small is a negative in that case in fact fact, it's maybe their greatest strength. It's just a fact. But this isn't that.

When that person said, I'm still big, it's the pictures that got small. And really, that was about Quibi. Yeah. When that person said that. The woman from Titanic. Dear Call. Yeah. The old lady.

Rose. Yeah. No,hmm. The old lady. Rose. Yeah. No, you're right about that. And that really was the first locket, you know, like small picture, but person stayed big. Huh. And isn't that interesting? When they did the little picture for the locket, the person did stay so big, the same size. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Huh. the locket the person did stay so big the same size yeah huh but yeah so you know there could be uh red carpets happening in some other universe for me right now but um in this one that we're

currently in um i'm mainly just chasing the shade around my house trying to find shady spots to sit in because the sun the sun moves a lot more than i thought it did punishing it's going crazy did you get i learned i learned an old dp trick today to tell how much sunlight you have left if you guys want to know it oh hey you won't be able to do it yeah is it the hand thing okay okay I already did start trying to do it, so please... If you could just please say that earlier, especially because there's a little delay on Zoom. But even before you say

that there's like a hand trick or something, just say at the beginning, Hayes, what I'm about to say, do not attempt to do this move. You're not going to want to. What Sean's doing right now, he's holding up his hand sideways. And the number of fingers, so let's imagine that his microphone is the horizon. And then let's imagine that the sun is right above his index finger.

So those four fingers are telling you, you have four minutes before the sun sets. You better hurry up and make your sun tea. Every finger represents a minute. So if you have a lot of time, you actually have to get up on a ladder and sort of stack your hands very quickly as you make your way down. Or if there's a slide. You need a lot of friends. Oh, I guess you could do it with multiple people.

That never occurred to me. I'm always by myself when I'm DPing. Yeah, most DPs work in a pack. And so I think as long as they have like 15 dudes, they can, you know, if it's noon and you need to know when the sun's going down, you need a bunch of people. Tawny.

But don't try it, Hayes. Tawny. Space Force. Big show. space force big show I appreciate you trying to make this press happen for me I've resigned myself I couldn't stop it if I wanted to if my life depended on it I have a question about the process of making it

so obviously you're in space the whole time was BB-8 a little like showing you the ropes of like well i've been in space so much that that in some way you're on his turf you know what i mean just bb8's been in space a lot at this point yeah um bb8 hung back a little bit you know it was weird that they gave him um the role of stunt coordinator i thought just because like he doesn't have limbs um but it was nice having him on set just because like you know he's fun he rolls around um but yeah no that's cute yeah it was good that's sick that's sick thank you for that answer thank you thank you

did you just put on those sunglasses or have you had them on the whole time they're new i just put them on recently that's what new new when people say sunglasses are new they're new to my face that's what they need they're like they're new on my face new on my face there's nothing new under the sun i mean even a new product as you guys get producted left and right by our consumer culture it's really made up of minerals and elements that have existed in the earth for quite some time so that there really is nothing new under the sun it's not just an expression yeah it's a good so if it's if they're new to my face. It's not just an expression. Yeah, it's a good point. So if they're new to my face, then that's about as new as they can be.

And I just put them on recently, just a minute ago. That's good. Was there a cast dinner with the cast of Upload as well? Oh, of Upload, the other Greg Daniels pursuit? The world of, like, explore a new world of Greg Daniels Upload. No, there wasn't. I would have loved that,

though. And also, Call it a Pursuit, he caught it. You're right. You're right. That's my bad. He wasn't chasing it.

Greg Daniels doesn't run for anybody. He runs for no man. No, I didn't, I didn't get to hang with those cats. It was mainly,

They're all pretty hot. They're an attractive crew. Um, I did see Andy Allo play guitar with Prince years and years ago, and I didn't know she was an actress. So then when I heard she was an actor too, I was like, I mean, admittedly mad. I was just like mad, but then also like, okay, good job. No, but this cast was like, there's like 40 casts in this cast of Space Force. So it was enough just trying to meet all of us.

That's a new model. Talk about this model. There's 40 different- Alibaba and the 40 casts. Mm-hmm. There's 40 different casts in- There's just- What I understand to be only one show.

It's one show, but there are so many people in it that you wouldn't you could make 40 shows easily with all these people i would not want to do that no thank you no i'd rather get this one right okay i feel that this is another problem with society and this consumer culture we live in. People spread themselves so thin, they've got a million ideas and they want to do everything. And it's like, well, let's finish doing this thing. Whether it be Space Force or Upload,

or Hollywood Handbook, the podcast, which you may notice, essentially since we started this podcast podcast I have not done anything else of note because this has not yet been done correctly could I try doing 40 other things 40 shows I guess I guess that's what you think I should do but in fact I'm going to

keep doing this until we make a good episode yeah I also want to stay here until something is good I want to help with that so sorry to suggest that would be great my my hustle nature that's why we brought you in and i just figured out what it is tony okay in past episodes we have had you call your associates. It's time to call Greg Daniels. Let's get him on the horn. I don't have his phone number.

Don't have his phone number. I don't have his phone number. Yes, you do. I really don't. Who can we call who has it? Who can we call who has it? BB-8. We can call Jimmy O. Yang., we can call Jimmy O. Yang.

You want to call Jimmy O. Yang? Jimmy O. Yang? It's the closest I got to Greg on the scale of one to Greg Daniels. Wait, we can't. We can't. Now I'm scared. You call Jimmy O. Yang, and he's already hanging out with Greg Daniels, and then we have to start pitching something that we are not ready to pitch yet.

Yeah. No, I mean, he might be hanging out with greg daniels they might just be both flagrantly ignoring the social distancing rules and just doing a cookout or something and that well the cookout kills the virus oh i didn't know that you can grill just. Why can't everybody just barbecue? You can grill. Oh. If there's a grill, then you would just throw the virus on the grill and roast it alive. Oh, thank God. Fourth of July is saved. Mm-hmm. I was worried about Fourth of July cookouts.

Weren't you guys? Ty, we really do have to focus on this pitch. Mm-hmm. Oh, what's your pitch? I didn't realize you were pitching something. Well, we have a couple things to pitch. Okay. I had one idea that I was running by Hayes last night

for a pretty devastating political cartoon that I think could get me just a shit ton of clout. Uh-huh. It could be actually the biggest cartoon I've ever come up with. Have you come up with other cartoons? Not like this. This one, if executed properly, could actually be my biggest cartoon.

And I hate to use hyperbole. I do not want to oversell it. It could end up being my biggest cartoon to date. I am remembering I did have i did actually have um uh one other cartoon idea that was somewhat significant i i think it got drawn for the short-lived like ucb magazine that they tried to do does anyone remember when this happened the short-lived like ucb magazine that they tried to do does anyone remember when this happened no kevin you just lean towards the mic do you remember this i'm actually gonna look it up yeah don't even think about it i so okay should we i i have a a couple of cartoon ideas that i've had

for probably seven or eight years now as yet unproduced i've sketched them a couple times but they're not as political so maybe i think these are different shows probably it might not be like the same pitch but how do we want to do this sean what do you mean in terms of pitching to greg daniels or in terms of getting tawny on board since she should be doing most of the talking once he's on the phone i think in terms of well let's just say in terms of saying our cartoon ideas well i'll just describe i mean i have a single panel political cartoon i ran it by you last night hayes now you didn't respond when i texted it to you but yeah would you agree that it's actually devastating? No, it is. I was too devastated to respond. Much like you were, I guess, when Kevin was asking

which of us could record an ad two days ago. That shook me to my core. Yeah, give me the quick pitch and i'll i'll try and i'll try and drum up a phone number be a better you in 2024 with babble the science-backed language learning app that actually works don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language and the question that i always get people stop me and they say like hey i like i i trust you i know like you when you endorse a product it's something that you really use and care about but there's one language that i'm trying to learn and that's body language so can babble teach me body language yes babble now has visual in-person lessons part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages handcrafted by

over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Babbel is designed by real people for real conversations, and that includes body-based conversations. What does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger

and they kind of draw it towards them? They're pulling it. What does that mean? does their finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying to pull down the spider down yeah but i've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising

they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it at the window as i'm going that's what i've been doing dangerous yeah but some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others. Can't feel good to be others there. Continue to prove Babbel is better.

One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. Babbel has over 60 million subscriptions sold. All of their 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now get 55% off your Babbel subscription but only for our listeners at Babbel.com slash the boys

get 55% off at Babbel.com slash the boys spelled B-A-B-E-L dot com slash the boys B-A-B-B-E-L B-A-B-B-E-L B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash the boys. B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L. Dot com slash the boys.

Rules and restrictions may apply. With Babbel, we can't promise it'll always be easy, but you'll always be glad you did it. Kind of like this podcast, except it is easy for me. Eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready-to-eat meals. Every fresh, never-frozen meal is chef-crafted, for me eating better is easy with factors delicious ready to eat meals every fresh never frozen meal is chef crafted dietitian approved ready to go in just two minutes speaking of ready to go in just two minutes chef kevin is here with his new show the chef kevin factor where he creates

fresh never frozen meals now this is different kevin i just want to i just want to establish it's none of this like here's a like a pile of ingredients like this is the meal the meal has to be ready it's not a recipe okay this is the meal you cook the full meal for us now okay yeah you don't just send us a bunch of stuff you had laying around in your cabinet you're actually doing the cooking and there are 35 different options to choose from every week including calorie smart protein plus and keto which is this it's a little bit of all of them okay okay it shouldn't be there are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're

so tired after you eat my meal the promises the meal makes us sleepy you've been pushing that so much you're saying that you will be added on to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. A lot of these, I know, give you a ton of energy. They have smoothies and things like that. This is wrong. Reservation for two, me walking in my bedroom.

What's the second? It's you and your bed? The bed. I got clippy. Fuel up fast with Factor's restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are. Pancake, smoothies, and more. Discover a wide variety of easy options for the entire day like breakfast, midday bites, and more.

No, we didn't even. This is not even up for consideration. So let's just hear what the actual meal was. What was the food? I don't want to go to bed. It's very simple. It's one huge chicken nugget. Sign up and save.

We've done the math. Factors less expensive than takeout. Every meal is dietitian approved. Sign up and save. We've done the math. Factor is less expensive than takeout. Every meal is dietitian approved to be nutritious and delicious. Head to factormeals.com slash theboys50 and use code theboys50 to get 50% off. That's code theboys50 at factormeals.com slash theboys50 to get 50% off.

Hey guys, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills. You can see all your subscriptions in one place. And if I see something I don't want, I can cancel it with a tap. I never have to get on the phone with customer service. The subscriptions are insidious. They're the scourge of our modern life and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged i know that i was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before i found out how much it was costing yes that they intended to send me by the way you'll this will shock you 54 dresses if i did

not cancel and i you know i think oh that one's got an end point by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette it was a french raspberry vinaigrette dressing they'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill,

and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions. And that was, I mean, just to be fully transparent, that $500 million, most of that was the dresses. Well, yeah. I mean, you're talking about Hollywood memorabilia. You're talking about, like, ornate gowns, you know, in some cases.

And so that was, yeah, that was costing me a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood handbook. Basically, it's a restaurant scene. Remember those?

Uh-huh. Restaurants are restaurant restaurant scenes i remember both well then it's a yes just scenes okay just restaurant scenes okay so we're in the restaurant there's a man and he's holding this flaming dish right some sort of flambe and it's it's charred smoke coming out of it and he's and for the purposes of the audience of the cartoon in order to make it a little clearer the man uh maybe even has some writing on his shirt where his shirt might say white men and he's saying to the waiter who ideally is in order to differentiate from from this gentleman uh either uh female or uh perhaps non-binary and um potentially a person of color as well. And he's saying to them,

excuse me, waitress or waiter or server, I ordered the world on a platter. And then the server says, and we gave it to you. Uh-huh. So you see, Tawny, this is what he has done yeah and in effect what what white men have done with with what was bestowed uh you know at laid at their feet that the whole world available and here we are it's in flames he put it put the food on fire. The food's on fire.

And it's a literal dumpster fire, isn't it? Yeah, but it's a plate of food. Okay, Hayes, what was your idea? You just want to move on to my idea that fast? A little bit. I want to see if maybe we could combine them. I don't think so. Because this is political this is

pretty political it's pretty political but it also feels like pretty like i feel like we've heard versions of the no offense but um i'm just curious maybe hayes says we have out of the please direct me to it i'd love to enjoy this send me a hyperlink i have a phone number when you guys are ready so okay hang on mine's kind of a palate cleanser both of them okay so it's but it's also single panel so there's no way it will fit in the same thing so it's a bird and a bumblebee and they are lying in bed together and their head is hair is kind of like ruffled. It looks like something like, but they're frowning and the bird's mouth is open and the text at the bottom is in quotes because it's the bird talking and it says, I think

it's just an expression. Okay. Or I think, or maybe I think it's just a figure of speech do you get it i don't get it no okay i okay do you want to hear another pitch from me is it different it's new totally new okay so um it's a couple panels so it's the the monopoly man uh uncle pennybags is sitting alone on like a park bench uh the next panel is mr peanut enters the frame. Then he takes a seat next to Monopoly Man and starts reading a newspaper. And then Monopoly Man turns, this is panel three,

and goes, oh my God, we're wearing the same outfit. And then Mr. Peanut goes, that's what's interesting to you? I'm a peanut, you know? Right. Yeah. Did you just think of that, Sean? No, that was the other idea I had. I couldn't remember it before.

Oh, okay. Okay, now here's idea number four, okay? Okay. Okay. Okay. Now here's, here's idea number four. Okay.

Okay. Uh, it is, uh, a woman on the beach with a stand. Uh, and the stand says seashells. Okay.

Uh huh. And, but there's a sign, she's hanging up a sign that says closed. And she's talking to a customer. Her mouth is open in this case. And the text at the bottom says, word of mouth wasn't great. Okay. Do you get that one?

I mean, I guess so. Okay, look. Then explain it to me. I'm going to put you on the phone with someone who I think, just someone who's going to be more receptive to these pitches okay the pitch is not finished yet but do you need to finish it well I mean

Sean you do like a little opening like salvo yeah it's like the person is in there just as their first name. Can you guys hear that? Yeah. A little.

Dad, can you hear them? No, I can't. Hayes and Sean, talk to my dad real quick to test the audio. Hi, is this Tawny's dad? Did that work, dad? Tawny, you have to communicate to him and you have to tell him our cartoon ideas. Okay.

You should run it by him and we'll hear his response. All right. So dad, I'm going to run you by, so I'm on a podcast with my friends, Hayes and Sean. They have some cartoon ideas where they want to, they want to pitch these cartoons and you just tell them your honest opinion, what you think.

Okay. Okay. All right. But how are you dad? I haven't talked to you today. I'm good. I'm good. Couldn't be better.

Okay, great. Okay. Does he want to hear mine? My last one first. Yeah. So this is Hayes's last idea first and i'm gonna paraphrase it for you yeah it is a woman at the beach with a stand selling seashells

there's a woman at the beach with a stand selling seashells and but she's hanging up a closed sign on it and she says word of mouth wasn't great but But it says she has a closed sign on it, and she says, oh, I guess nobody wanted to come. No, that's not what she says. That's the entire joke. You're butchering it. Say word of mouth. It's a seashell.

It has a closed sign on it. It says, I guess nobody wanted to come. No, that's not what she said. No, she says, word of mouth wasn't great. She says, word of nobody wants to come. No, that's not what he said. No, she says word of mouth wasn't great. He says word of mouth wasn't great. He just said next. I'm sorry. No, but he doesn't. That's why he doesn't like it.

Sean, what's one of yours? So we'll do the Mr. Peanut. So Mr. Peanut and the Monopoly man are sitting next to each other on a bench. Is that supposed to be a cartoon or is that supposed to be a joke? It's both. Honestly, it's not working as either. So I think we just move on.

Tony, you fucked up my idea. You just didn't get the pitch right. Okay, so they're mad at me. They say I'm not translating it properly, but that's okay. We're going to move on. Okay, so Sean's is Mr. Monopoly and the peanut man are hanging out by the seashore. What's next? No, no, no.

They're sitting on a bench. On a bench. And the Monopoly man says, hey, look at that. We're wearing the same outfit. And the Monopoly man looks at the peanut man and says, hey, you stole my jacket. Well, that's not...

No, he still has his jacket on. What do you think about that for the premise of a cartoon? No, the peanuts and Mr. Peanut goes, that's what... No, he still has his jacket on. This is what you think about the premise of a cartoon. No, the peanuts and Mr. Peanut goes, that's what's interesting to you? This is, of course... There's something there. It's just not defined. It's a bit fragmented to me.

I mean, you stole my jacket. Okay. Yeah. No, you're right. It is closer than the last one. Again, they are very mad at me. I came up with this prior to Baby Nut. They think I'm not translating properly,

but this is really hard. I've got a really tough technical setup. I'm trying to hold up the phone. You can't hear them, so I need a little slack, guys. You've got to cut me some slack. Okay, do my next one. This next one is from Hayes. A bird and a bee lying in bed and it's

a bird and a bee are lying in bed and the bird quick and they look frustrated cigarette they look frustrated okay and the bird says i guess it's just a figure of speech and the bird is like i guess word of mouth didn't work today that's what you wanted me to say the first time and now I know that you did actually hear me the first time yeah that's disappointing what do you think about a bird and a bee

hanging out together and then one of them's like word of mouth didn't work today time to close up the seashell shop dad what do you think of that one we might have to close up the seashell shop. Dad, what do you think of that one? We might have to hang up. Okay.

I can't really conceptualize the cartoon. This is, and this is, you are taking money out of my children's mouth. It's better than the first one. Okay, so out of these three, how would you rank them? The first one was the lady selling seashells. The second one was some stolen clothing by the peanut man. Peanut and Monopoly. Yeah, I like it. And this last one was just like a nature documentary.

For me, it would be two, three, one. Oh, unbelievable. Peanut man, number two, then number three, and then number one. Okay. Wow. Okay, well, I'm actually liking how this shapes up. I kind of don't want to pitch the political cartoon anymore. The only one I could even visually conceptualize so far is pulling the components together to make a cartoon.

Yeah. pulling the components together to make a cartoon. Okay. Yeah. Three, I'm a little upset by the fact that, you know, a bee and a bird, I mean, it's like, how do you put that together? Yeah.

Exactly. That's exactly the entire premise of the joke. He actually does get it. You know, it's a two and a half foot bee and, you know, a crow. Okay. It might work. Now he's working out the logistics. Okay. The scale is what bothered him.

Yeah. Yeah. But number one, for me, I don't even know how you could even go that together. Yeah. No, that's true. Okay, Dad. Number one's nowhere near a cartoon. All right.

Well, thanks, Dad. I think that nowhere near a cartoon. All right. Well, thanks, Dad. I think that's all we need. All right. You're welcome. Sorry. It's okay. It's good advice. Don't apologize.

All right. They say thank you. He should apologize. Thank you. Bye. For whatever he did to raise you that way. Raise me what way, precisely, you guys? I tried to do you a favor.

A really excellent idea and deliver in such a way to someone who actually really could have helped. And intentionally misled your own father and took the idea and perverted it. I was playing an intense game of telephone. You guys, this was hard as hell. It was very difficult to try and translate what you were saying. There was a lot of, you know, your pitch wasn't clear.

You weren't like speaking in declarative sentences. There's a lot of hemming and hawing. We should have invited him to the Zoom chat. I've gotten that before. And color going on. That would have made it. Then I actually could have done it the way that i like could have sold his yeah yeah i don't know what i don't know what you wanted exactly but i

did my best and i you know i don't know i i feel like i feel like you guys got some concrete feedback does he like he's like a cartoon like he knows a lot about cartoons he like like he's in the real handle on it. He really sounds like he's in the business. I mean, he could be in the business. I wouldn't know. I mean, he could secretly be in the business. You don't know what he does for money, huh?

No, he does a bunch of stuff, but he used to... My friends used to think he was in the CIA because no one ever understood what he did. And honestly, it's all possible. He could work in cartoons. He could be in the CIA. He does cartoons for the CIA, which my first one kind of is like that have you guys read this theory that netflix was started by the cia to win over russian youth that's a real conspiracy theory oh yeah and i guess that would be so crazy if they started making shows about the freaking u.s military i mean look i'm not saying freaking

branding campaigns for us like killing other people it's not my conspiracy theory i'm just saying it is a conspiracy theory i thought this was a space where i could just like share things i've heard space force space force i said there's a little bit of a lag it's a space where you actually i don't know if it sounded like I said it after Sean but I actually said it almost before Tawny even finished talking I've had a litany of technical problems

apparently me trying to get my dad on the phone was the worst I don't know who said it first that was i said it first it's right at the same time kevin you explain my comic to everyone else okay so there's the go away you go away sam you do it so there's a bird and a bee. And they're in bed. It's not. You are saying. You're not explaining it.

You're just saying what it is. Well, I need to say it so that I understand it. That's a good point. You do have to say it so you understand it. Learn by doing, you know. The bird turns to the bee and he says, I guess what I've heard is false. Yeah. The bee. Oh, I get it. It's like a trusted bee is a liar. I guess what I've heard is false. Yeah. The B...

Oh, it's like a trusted B is a liar? He's like, we're not even... You do it, Kevin. We're not even sure what this is about. You do it. I know everyone understands it. The bird and the bee... Actually, I don't want you to understand it, Sam.

If you understand it, then I'm doing... Then I'm actually making cartoons for only the stupidest person Kevin now you go the bird and the bee are in bed and the bee is smoking a cigarette and says that was

unbirdlievable and then the bird says give me some of that honey I think I can mute Kevin that could help so i i know hayes you're getting frustrated and it's not um attractive the way you're reacting to this but it is a pretty clear idea so it's burt and the bee are obviously they're in bed right uh-huh and they're um now i'm getting lost i had this yeah so bert so bert is with the b that could be good actually yeah it could it could be good it's it's part of our consumer

culture right that like tony where does your dad live? My dad lives in Northern California. Okay, but how far northern? Like by San Francisco. Okay, it's not that far. It's not even that north. What, do you need me to be like, he lives in Eureka for you to consider that Northern California?

Even like Washington, to me, that's that's basically northern california at this point it's all the same bullshit take it all the way up to alaska it's all like the same take it all the way up to russia ridiculous bullshit take it all the way up and over and i'm back come back underneath to the anyway i will draw and i show it to him okay yeah i bet if you draw it he'll understand it but and it's not that he didn't understand it i think he just has strong preferences um and he told you guys what he thought and i can do it from far away i can actually draw it on the side of my car and go by his house really slow just at reading pace you have to drive by at a pace slow enough to read and digest every frame of the cartoon i i almost wonder if you want to park maybe pretend you got a flat

knock on the door and see if we can help you change your tire and that'll give them a lot of time to really take in the the cartoon yeah but make sure there's an elaborate ruse where you pretend to have a flat you need his help changing the tire. But then you're also like, hey, remember that podcast you were on? I'm that guy. Look at this cartoon and tell me. I don't think he wants to bring up the podcast. I think you'd rather it be a completely separate experience in order to really help him wrap his head around the cartoon. Oh, interesting. Because the way you perverted it in your pitch. It's telephone. It's Zoom telephone.

Tell me you guys haven't had communication issues. How many meetings? I'm sure you guys are doing general meetings all day. Right? Okay, I will tell you that. I haven't had communication issues. I wear my heart on my sleeve. You wear your glasses on your face is what you're doing right now.

And you got to tell me that that doesn't make things hard for someone to see where your eyes are to infer how you're feeling it's difficult communicating over this thing what are you guys in a in a writer's room right now just pitching ideas breaking story throwing shit at the wall what's a joke from space force yeah give me a joke with space normally of course we would play a clip from the show but technology doesn't allow us to do that. So if you could please just explain and describe a moment from Space Force. And then we'll call Hayes' dad and tell him the joke. Okay, so... Okay, so...

Shut up, Sam. I'm like a helicopter pilot, and I fly a helicopter and I land it. You're like a helicopter pilot, or you are a helicopter pilot and I like fly, fly a helicopter and I like land it. You're like a helicopter pilot or you are a helicopter pilot. Well, I'm obviously not in real life, Sean, because that would be fucking dangerous. I don't have the skills for that. Uninsurable. I apologize. No, I'm not on that show, Hayes.

I'm on Space Force. I'm not on that show Hayes I'm on space force um so I I land the helicopter and I get out of it and um uh Jimmy O. Yang and John Malkovich they play scientists and they they come up to me and they're like whoa where you been and I'm like that's classified and I slam the door of the helicopter um and then they give like a long look to camera wow that's pretty that it's really jimmy o yang here officer jimmy o yang reportant he does also play a cop yeah you're right he might be the first cop scientist okay that's pretty that sounds actually pretty fucked up and crazy it's really random it's like random and wild it's so random um you guys really play clips of shows i've never heard you play a real clip yeah we yeah we do a lot of times they get removed for copyright reasons

i also don't believe that you listen. I do listen. I haven't listened to the Quar episodes. You always accuse me of not listening, and then when I come back with some details, I don't know. With receipts? Yeah, when I show you an invoice for my time spent listening

and say, please pay this within 30 to 90 days. She's juking the staff. Not before 30 days. You send me doctored screenshots of your Stitcher listening habits. If you send me payment on a receipt before 30 days, I'm going to know something's up.

The Quar episodes. We are binding these and we are releasing them as a bound volume. These episodes. Like a book? Yeah. Well, it's like a periodical. It'll be like an encyclopedia set.

Remember how they used to bind and print all the Grantland articles? No. Oh, well, they did. And you could buy like hard copies of it if you guys have any christian cartoons you could pitch them to my mom let me think about it um me okay i get this is off like the top of my head but it's like um uh it's like the uh it's like a couple of the real house wives and they're um uh at a party and they're over by this table i don't know uh and they're the countess uh and the and uh janine and they're um and they've got they're they've got like a big bottle of water and it's

like uh you know it's a table and there's only water and then jesus is behind them and they're sort of glance and one goes like you thinking what i'm thinking and what are they thinking is there like a thought bubble that tells us uh well um i guess there could be yeah uh so it would be like what they're thinking is they wish that they were actually drinking wine ah okay that tracks with what the housewives do. I guess they could want him to walk on it as well. He's kind of got two water things. Really three if you count when I think he helped Moses part the sea. So maybe water wasn't the area. So maybe it's...

See, now these aren't cartoons you've hazed do you have one had before yeah i do have one up with it so this one is called carry your books and it is sort of a handsome college uh type fella uh and he's wearing a sweater that says jesus and he is speaking to a young lady and he says mary carry those books for you and the books say care worry problem and need those are terrible books and she well exactly well that's exactly right which someone would carry those books but like has she already finished reading them is what i want to know because that seems like then you'd be stressed out after reading those books well he's simply helping her carry her books but is he going to also take over the burden of reading and digesting the information that's

inside of a book called worry that sounds stressful and and even when i said book sam was like what are you even talking about so stupid i get it it's like a birds and the bees and he is so stupid i'm the biggest liar who ever lived okay it's it's cain and um he's talking to god and he says that's ableist but able is spelled e-l-i-s-t e-l-i-s-t it's a b it's a b e-l-i-s-t okay and what is he talking about he's he's mad? He's mad. Okay. He's saying it's not being fair to him. He's saying God's not being fair to him. I mean, that one I kind of like. God's saying like, you know, like this gift to me is more meaningful because no one had to, you know, no creature had to give its life

in order for me to receive it. Right. Of course, which is inherently unfair to Cain, who raises livestock and does not have the beautiful vegetable garden that Abel has. And so Cain says unto the Lord, that's Abelist.

Yeah, no, I do get that one. And I kind of like it. Would your mom like it? I think she might. Yeah, I think she'd be into it. I feel like you you're not gonna pitch it even if we hit a home run i don't know now i'm feeling like because if i do it wrong then that's another layer that's like blasphemy and i don't want to bum her out i don't want to bum out my mom with blasphemy what am i just like a real jerk why don't we just make our own why don't we make the cartoons why do we need

to pitch it to anybody i don't have the can you do that sources yeah i mean like you can do it i have a printer what do you need to make a cartoon holy shit okay well you have to actually like i have actually tried to do this but you do have to actually like kind of make it first what do you mean make it first you have to like do the drawing and stuff i so like i have worked really hard on like the printing it out part uh-huh and i have basically figured that out but like you actually do have to like like make it first and then print it out we can draw it i could draw something i could draw whatever you guys are talking about and then and then we'll print it okay i can do like i could draw something i could draw whatever you guys are talking about and then and then we'll print it okay i can do like i can do shields you can just draw shields i can draw like

very like very cool shield yeah me too same okay so both so you guys are on shields and i'm on everything else we're agents of shield uh-huh okay so i have to give you 10 all right so it's it's moses and he's eating with abraham and it's all it's tense you can feel it and he goes so uh about today and abraham goes i'm not ready to talk about it yet i like that you know these are kind of like far side comics they are in a big way but the only thing is i can't draw moses dinner i can't illustrate the tension i i certainly can't draw abraham and i'm not very good at making my text legible so what i could do is i could draw a shield or maybe it's an interlocking shield and haze can actually do the other side of it yeah and then ideally you'd be able to put all of the rest of the imagery in okay this is here's a Moses and Pharaoh are at Moses's house and they're looking at the front door.

Uh-huh. And the front door's peephole has been cut out. Okay. And Moses is mad. He's got his hands on his hips and he says to Pharaoh, I said let my people go. Okay. No, I'm just trying to picture how I would draw all of that

because there's no shields in what you've described. It's not that much. But what I'm realizing is you've just pitched something where there's not a single shield. So basically you've pitched something that I have to draw entirely. I know a lot of my pitches have been at dinner, but I am thinking that like, maybe it's like, it's something where like Lot is eating dinner. Who's Lot?

So, well, okay. So if you don't know that like it's gonna be really really tough the thing hinges on knowing who lot is i stole one of my earlier ideas lots so lots wife uh was turned to salt when she um looked back as they uh were exiting sodom which had become such a den of sin that the righteous Lot and his family were supposed to leave without turning to see any of the kind of family and friends

they were leaving behind. And when she turned back, she was turned to salt. Oh, so it's like Homeland. I guess I only watched like two seasons of homeland is it well is it a later season of homeland or no salt in the whole thing salt is salt oh salt okay no so um salt so again the pitch wouldn't have worked at all because it was going to be something like Angelina Jolie is. I said that first. Who is Salt?

There may have been a delay, but I want people to know that I said the Angelina Jolie joke 10 minutes before Hayes did. The show's over. Okay. We ended the show a really long time ago. Oh, okay. Did you just say that now tawny we ended the show like it was completely over like

12 minutes ago oh shit all my best stuff was in the last 12 minutes I got in so many um zings oh shoot okay well I guess just

chop this part in and like stick it on the end so they can philip noise directed salt better call salt you know what he said when he saw when he saw how the movie came out that's right noise yeah sam it's like i who's who's cutting this together from all the like yeah because like the timing is like so off time it's been nuts litany spears and that's it it's a team effort um wait can i pitch tony a quick comic okay it's it's mary and g no it's mary and joseph in bed mary has a cigarette and she's looking at the camera and she goes he has risen did she invent i think she should be saying i guess it's just an expression that's better that's yeah uh i think she should be saying there was no room at the end, but there was some at the out.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Nasty. Okay, that settles it. I'm watching Space Force. Hell, yeah. May 29th. Do it.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.