Hollywood Handbook - The ActionBoyz, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Sean, Hayes, and The ActionBoyz (JON GABRUS, BEN RODGERS, AND RYAN STANGER) prepare for their big Patreon cruise performance. Watch the full episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Well, I told you this, that I was going out this weekend to the zoo to try to re-catch some of the birds that they had just because, well, just because I kind of feel like shit lately, frankly. This year fucking sucked, and I wanted to get one fucking win before i'm staring at december you can't get one in december when it's december and you don't have a w yet you're now feeling so much pressure about that calendar reading one two at the front that you're never gonna pull it out but if you squeeze one in november you might have a nice last month so i decided you know pretty easy one i'm going to go to the zoo i'm going to bring a big ass net and i'm going to catch one of the birds that really has already been caught yeah but i'll catch it even more that's what you meant they caught it already you're going to catch it

again i'm going to catch it and i will be not operating out in the wilderness where they probably did but I will be working inside of a little tiny pit or cage of some kind so I'm doing this and the birds start pecking the shit out of me

you got all the way in? yeah hurt like a bastard hurt so bad squeezing my way in there and then i get in and i'm getting fucking packed packed packed packed packed packed packed packed well anyway i you know i i don't want to make this whole thing we've got to rehearse for the show because we're supposed to get on the actual boat in a minute well i'm sorry to do this no go ahead i know this is like and i hate to jump in here but i just want to take the opportunity to apologize because like a lot of those birds i train okay well and so can you talk a little bit about what that process was because

it didn't even the pecking didn't seem like something instinctual that was natural to the birds. It's not, it seemed like a fighting style. There's a, yeah. It's a fighting style. And yeah,

Hayes is right. It's mostly tongue stuff. It's, they're basically tonguing you and they're owning you. I mean, they're, they're making you their property and it's more of a power thing i felt that i could feel that i was no longer making the decisions for myself

and it's good i mean i was told to have these birds trained that way just to keep them in line and to to make them uh less of a problem it's kind of reverse psychology where like you train them to peck and tongue things and then they'll be a lot more chill at your home or in your yard or wherever you have them and obviously i fucked up somewhere along the line because now they are like three times more crazy and they're just pecking and licking everything uh maybe if you like know about like bird stuff you see there's like a huge like a swarm of birds behind the like the the ship the cruise ship i've been seeing that too i guess that's what made me remember the story because this is just this past weekend and i i've still got that too i guess that's what made me remember the story because

this is just this past weekend and i i've still got a little bit of ptsd from it because when i'm looking at these birds there's an enormous set of birds behind the ship is what you maybe that's the thing like and i like maybe that like that's the thing where they follow the ship for food or something they did but they like they they're not see they look like crows like not seagulls these are not seabirds so they're pretty far from home yeah and that's on me

you did that too? well they're following me I don't know if you know this about crows but they can remember and spot faces. They memorize human faces. Yeah. And I tried my best.

I wore a bunch of different masks on my way out, but they know all my masks. They know every mask I own. And they're going to follow us the whole way. Should we call ahead or something to the main ship once we get on there like is that do they go inside with you if we know they're gonna do this maybe we work them into the act yes so that it feels like it's intentional that's right i think it could be pretty impressive i love that actually uh good luck it's an obviously it's an honor patreon invited us to participate in the big patreon cruise

we are the entertainment um and for me uh and I hope you guys aren't upset I mean I did request like I don't want to be part of the main ship I'd like to be kept on this separate dinghy you know I can't hear anything you guys are saying I can't hear anything

you got can I get in the boat now did you guys figure out the weight stuff can I climb in I can't fucking hear any of this shit I think the issue is you can be in the boat but you can't climb in the boat do you know what I mean like and he can't hear me. But I think you climbing in is going to be the problem. Once you're in, we're good. Do you guys want to get out? Yeah, I mean, you've been fucking talking about how good a swimmer you are for fucking decades. Like, hey, look, you're doing it, man.

And we're all impressed. Hey, thanks. But no one can see this shit. And my waterproof headphones. Now we can hear. Oh, when he and my waterproof headphones now he can hear oh when he gets a compliment now he can hear what'd you say hayes i couldn't hear that dude your stroke is really solid thank you rogers i've been working on it a lot i have a total immersion swim coach i've been working with at the burbank pool what i'm wondering is we've got this guy who can't climb into the boat yeah we've got what looks to me to be

five or six hundred birds behind us yeah there's six hundred closing in fast can we not somehow combine these two truths would the birds be willing to put him in the boat for us yeah eric uh gabriel's just put this bill clinton mask on and they'll think another one yeah another one put another one i'll put mine on all right that makes more sense it's smaller than mine it's tight can i take mine off and put yours on this one he's got kind of a smirk. I think yours, Bill, looks very serious. Sorry, Sean. I didn't hear any of that, but I'm just going to put on this serious Bill Clinton mask right now. OK, yeah.

And get those. There we go. Can I am I am I still on time out here? Can I start participating? Because I know I fucked up earlier and I'm sorry for that. I don't know how many times I have to say I'm sorry but i liked i have an idea about how no i could be with one or two more sorrys just because of the now i'm sorry and i am sorry again i'm sorry yeah okay okay i believe him i believe him sorry and stanger i said timeout is more of like a throwaway thing.

I think it put you into some sort of like football, like fucking fugue state. That felt like very, I did not interpret it as an official timeout at all. It was just like a throwaway, like let's. Let's have a quick timeout. Let cooler heads prevail. And you took that really fucking seriously i do you have like ptsd football issues that you've maybe like never fully explored no but if you want me to take another time out i will man you got it coach because when we were taught when i was trying to sell you on the app Audible, you kept on just moving in crazy directions.

Omaha! What? Is that what you meant? Blue 32? Forget it. It doesn't matter. Look, I'm off the timeout. I apologize.

We're all on the same page now. It's working! It's working! Oh, fuck! I'm going too high! Higher! Way too high! Bang, is there anything you could do about this?

The birds have him in the sky. Yeah, can we get him? Can they just tongue and lick or, like, bob and tongue him? Or what do they do? I am honestly impressed. They are way stronger than I thought. I mean, they are putting in the work with this dude now we just got the fucking opposite problem now he's too far away to hear us in the

sky i can hear you ben you can hear me i'm even i'm not even talking that loud i don't know what it is you're just like clear or something but if you could get these guys to look or people gals uh uh y'all if you can get y'all to drop me yeah into the boat get a little lower for safety unless you think the dinghy can handle it yeah yeah let's uh let me just uh call call i don't want to hit terminal velocity turn my body into fucking pulp you know yeah if you start like quoting that movie if you start quote there my crows are all drop zone fans and if you start talking about it they will let you go and they'll think you're doing some sort of role-playing shit so don't bring up drop zone okay but i can talk terminal velocity terminal velocity they think it's trash so like you're fine

you guys are all life jacket guys huh can i do you mind if i ask do you mind if i ask bank so you made a big caca noise earlier i assumed that was signaling the birds to take some kind of action like maybe that was the point where they were gonna uh yeah they fully ignored the boat yeah so okay that's what i wanted to know was there a purpose behind it did it not go as planned or were you do you just say caca now some which i'd be fine with yeah i mean it's i i think you know according to the trainers i've overused it and so it has less of an effect on the birds and um you know some people that's a problem some people you say they're you're the the animals named so much in a negative tone like they got to change their dog's name or some shit because

the dogs like thinks that you're yelling at them and so like i've been calling too much communicating with the crows and now it's like white noise to them can you talk a little bit about how you are a trainer who has been hired by the Los Angeles Zoo, but then you'll also say things sometimes like, according to the trainers, I've overused it. We all have our masters. We all have our gurus. I'm not the top dog. I mean, I wish I was, Sean.

I wish I freaking was, man. Hey, me too. I'm a fucking brown belt, my man. I think you could get there well i hope so i do want to i want to talk about the skit a little bit yeah let's get it let's get into that um it's pretty simple well yeah i mean well did you have you said you had like a an outline kind of i have the outline i have the outline hold on stanger stop chugging that dramamine i don't want to get fucking sick boss yo man you are fucking you're putting a towel around your neck that's more that's more

like liquid than you should consume of like water you shouldn't drink that much fucking anything yeah y'all want me to get sick i don't know what's what is this it's one of the it's one of the crazy things about medicine that actually even though you take it to not get sick it can make you sick if you take it in a very large dose like this. Yeah, but I don't talk about doctors. Don't talk about this. Yeah. Death by Ruru. My concern is too much seasick is like hot, high intensity seasickness. So I'm thinking I counter that with a lot of drama. I mean, you guys are saying that's death by Ruru. Is that what you're saying?

We're saying it potentially could be. Here comes Gabrus. Is that what you're saying? We're saying it potentially could be, yeah. Caw! Caw! Oh, here comes Gabrus. Hey, Gabrus. He's in the back room. Whoa! Holy shit, right on Stanger's lap. That's up, man.

So now he's in. He got in without climbing it. I got in without climbing it. That was perfect. Yeah. That worked out. So I'm feeling even better about the skit. Me too. But yeah, I mean, we'll walk you through i think there is only one outline but we we can pitch on it okay um so basically you

know uh you're gonna come out make a big show of like hey welcome to the you know uh welcome to the show like this is this is the skit we're gonna do you kind of uh introduce stanger who's going to be playing the the the the candy man the candy store employee he owns the brand is candy store on the seven seas okay in order to create the illusion i've got uh a mop that i've taken the top off of so it's just the mop handle just a stick say we need two volunteers from the audience to come up and each hold one side of this mop handle and they'll, and that will create the illusion of a counter. Okay.

And then we will one by one come in and ask for something from the candy store. And of course, invariably Stanger will not have it you know and we can run any part of this at any time this is good news because I thought I had to play

one of the counter holder people this is better because you know I like to have lines it has to be someone from the audience if we can get it to be Jordan from Patreon I mean if we can get him holding this mop handle that is going to be so choice because the the sting the blow to the entire thing which i'll hear pitches on but i don't think we're gonna beat it after finally you know we we've listed every candy you can imagine

we go do you have this do you have that do you have this? Do you have that? Do you have this? Do you have that? And we go, there's nothing. Yeah. Okay. Perfect. And we go, there's nothing in this candy store. Jesus, man, what do you have?

Stanger looks dead out at the audience and goes, well, I got two suckers on a stick. Points to these motherfuckers holding the fucking broom handle okay and the fucking house comes down out of hell everybody's losing it these bitches volunteer to come up from the audience like fucking saps and we pissed in their eye take that patreon employees they're gonna be so fucking humiliated. They'll have to waive all the fees in the future. Yeah. I can't beat it.

I don't think we have to rehearse it. I think it's pretty much as tight as it can possibly fucking get. We already got Razzles. I mean, you only said Razzles. Yeah, that's all we need. Razzles is mean you only said razzles yeah that's all we need pretty good yeah i'm pretty sad if i could call dibs on razzles i'll come in last that's an issue for me you could say i call dibs on razzles and dibs i think is another kind of available candy yeah it's like an ice cream treat but yeah yeah i mean but he could they could have a a freezer like container behind him hey maybe that's another thing you could bring in more people

hayes from the yeah can you pass me my chum bucket yeah sure so that's what not that one the one c-h-u-m bucket the The other bucket is Stanger's. Okay. I knew which one it was. I heard perfectly. Oh, here we go. I can read well. I can hear well. I'm amazed.

I wasn't reaching for that one. I go to a special barber. I wasn't reaching for that one. Only available in Kuala Lumpur. Yeah, okay. I apologize. I apologize. Did I try to undercut something? I'd rather not talk about Stanger's bucket.

Okay? I can't believe I'm undercutting on the dinghy I apologize we've all seen Stanger's bucket there let's just not talk about it the bucket was put there obviously for us to talk about it he was dying for us to talk about it

well I can just say actually since like no one else is I can see we're all kind of conspicuously sitting far away from it when I reached over for the chum bucket, I can report to everyone else that it is empty. Yeah, of course it... Well, I didn't know. It's so far away. I know.

But all I could see is what it says on the side. And I wasn't reaching over to look. But the fact that it's empty right now, I don't know. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. It makes me feel better or worse it makes me feel better it does yeah well what it means is that if i see it in its fall it's going to get filled up at some point exactly if i see it in its fold then nothing necessarily has to happen from this point you know but the fact that it's empty means that

actually a huge amount has to happen yeah it's chekhov's cum bucket it's gonna be filled by the end of this boat ride for sure right and but you know what i'm gonna be turned around just chumming and whatever happens happens i spent a lot of time at sea and that's just part of it okay somebody's always filling up a cum bucket all right that's just the fucking way it is we've like you guys haven't been on a tour before uh you know this is this is my first one in a while i'm a little rusty and you know i kind of forgot some of the unwritten rules but well this sashimi is fucking delicious dude don't eat that man i thought we had like a little it's like that's not what that is it's like i it's a lot of culture it's raw fish it's practically yeah it's like it's like fucking

carp head and like a lot of this is not it's not for human consumption gabers you could say it's it's not sashimi great so i think saying sashimi is the wrong thing but listen guys the kind of supplements that i'm on for my jizz it's not going to take much to fill that thing i mean i'm getting targeted you know and like my internet searches for porn and um i bit and so i you know i need a bucket this size you're on semen x yeah you're on the semen x I'm on it for one pop those ads almost always work on me just watching a dude a cartoon cock fill a stein with cum I almost always click same they know who they're going after and it's me I'm like so I can see with the dramamine that like you're getting dehydrated with this so like you actually do need to replenish your liquids yeah it's twofold i got

the seasickness and i got a little moisture in there too so i'm hydrating and i'm addressing the seasickness okay you're yeah you're thirsty thirsty my my big concern though and i wanted to ask you guys this in regards to the skit how how much of an authority do I have to be on Candy? Candy. Yeah, I wondered about that, too. Oh, really? I mean, you didn't even set me up as like one of the who's behind the counter. You said Stanger.

Stanger's the Candyman. He's the Candyman. Do we want to switch roles? I mean, does somebody else feel like they should be the candy man? Well, my role right now is just saying welcome to the show. I think you're going to nail that, Hayes. Okay. Can I just say, should we change the name from candy man?

I mean, are we getting ourselves into some fucking legal trouble? Candy man? There's honestly like a racial element to it as well. I know that's what you were going to say, right? I'm fine with that. Well, I was going to say maybe Candyman is going to come after us. Right. I think we've said it enough times already that if he was

he'd be here. Yeah. Okay. I just heard him. So I'm looking at myself in the fucking ocean right now. I'm looking at my own reflection as I'm chumming well what what let's pitch on the name what makes you more comfortable than candy man certainly not bloody mary i'm okay with bloody mary maybe we go there and ask what that's fucking that's a fucking urban legend man that's. I'm scared as hell of the candy, man. Bloody Mary's fucking nothing.

Yeah, good luck trying to get Bloody Mary to show up on time. These chicks always got to fucking fix their hair and shit. Please stop saying it. I was saying that was the one name I wouldn't be comfortable with. Stanger's Bloody Mary working at a candy shop. All right. Hayes, do you want to play a little more with, like, welcome to the show? Like, it feels like you want to spread your wings. there a version of that that is more exciting I just want this

to be successful I want this to do well uh I on a lot of these cruises these people have been on this cruise like for a long time and we were called in because things are going yes it's it's not going well the crew people are starting to people are you guys are you guys recording this for a hollywood handbook episode well we have to let an episode out this week we had to record the rehearsal okay all right thanks so we're not allowed to record once we get in what i'm thinking is for telling us maybe there's like you're welcome there's like the cruise store or like you know those people on the cruise who everyone gets to know over the course of the thing,

and they're like a character on the ship. Oh, yeah. We'll call them like Terry Crews. No, no, no. You want to play Candyman or Terry Crews, Ryan Stanger? I'm fine with either or even Paul Crew. I really don't. From the the longest yard it doesn't matter tom cruise i do tom cruise tom cruise that i do tom cruise at the giants game

at the dodgers giants game i think that just says he's a fan of baseball. Yeah. Okay. I, I, I funny is, but what I'm pitching is that we, we find out who like this cruise ship, like character is. It's not someone. So you're making all these,

you're making all these suggestions. It's not possible for you to suggest it right now because we haven't met Tom Cruz is a fucking weird idea, man. And I think like, we should maybe, it's not my idea. It's my idea i agree i okay that that's this is like the scientology thing you've pushed on us for this good idea hayes it's yeah i hate to like from beginning to end i don't want to be my first suggestion it's my first suggestion of any kind

there's a bunch before we started rolling it's feeling like candy man actually is still the best thing on the table okay do we just go back to candy man maybe it is as a placeholder let's just hang on to it right maybe it's the guy the ship does i was looking at the ship that there is an old-fashioned candy store on the ship maybe the guy at the candy store has like kind of a reputation of like oh like he's all out of this thing or or that thing. But like it's a candy store on the ship. We're fucked. I and like I and I can see this being like fuck.

I didn't even think it dude straight up. I didn't think about the fucking there probably fucking is. Yeah, I didn't even think about it. I'm going to sit through the fucking sketch then. Nobody. So didn't even think about it who's gonna sit through the fucking sketch then nobody well so i thought though so i thought you knew this i thought you were referencing this because one of the big issues the food issue did you not read like the thing that they send us i skimmed it okay so this is the top of the water so hey dude you got like maybe a fucking hundred skips and it was incredible i don't know if anybody knows uh sean is a little famous he says skims sean says skims by the way

so he's got yeah it's a regional shit like i don't know i fucking say skip he says skim tomato tomato but like he does hold a couple records for skimming and he won't toot his own horn so i'll put it out there he's got the record for the longest skim on the west coast well apparently there's some kid in florida who has the east coast one and it's untouchable. Yeah. You watch the video. It's not even clear it's him throwing it. I just want to say, Mr. Candy? Wow.

It's fine. I like it. This feels like a guy now. I'm picturing it. And it looks a little like Stanger, doesn't it? Got a mustache. Yeah. That's weird. Mr. Candy goes, I just, doesn't it? Got a mustache. Yeah. That's weird. The name Candy goes, I just got these two suckers on a stick.

Mr. Canderson. Matrix. The name, I guess, is not really the issue for me. So they sent a very long document that they asked us to review before going on the ship. It's primarily about the food situation. This is why they asked us to bring food. Yeah, I reviewed it.

I viewed it, then I viewed it again, then I viewed it again, then I viewed it again. Every time it skipped back up above the water level. So on the ship, there is only candy there is an old-fashioned candy store that is the only food for the entire ship and i honestly thought and i think maybe you read it and like absorbed this and came up with the the candy store that's what candy store baby came that's possible i don't think it's a coincidence but i think that that referencing this and like in in this way could be upsetting to these people here that like have only been able to eat candy we're just listed candies we're walking into an extremely angry audience of people who have been hurting each other and we're listing essentially

different examples of their tormentors and they've been like excited to have us because we are bringing all this food rogers brought food for crows i've got a lot of different for the crows and then also like i'm fishing my ass off yeah stanger has an empty bucket that says come i don't know how we're gonna explain that to them it's like it's like the one thing that i kind of got it right i kind of got to show them you know well that's not my main issue with stanger do we want to talk about the stanger incident that put him on time out initially yes sure yeah we can so ryan i uh worked very hard getting the dinghy ready for all of you i got on here first i swabbed it which is a kind of mopping that you do on the ocean i uh kind of tidied up i put out these little bench seats i inflated you know some tubes and stuff in case we want to kind of drift off and you got in and

immediately put down your cum bucket and the first thing you said was this is a dinghy seems more like a dingy yeah i i mean look i know you came in hot i know you i know your sense of humor no one's disputing that you did a great job swabbing it and getting it all set up i thought that that was so clear how clean you made it so the irony was that it's not dingy at all yes that was the joke that was the irony well when i pressed you on it you doubled and tripled down and started saying you were worried that you were going to get your cum bucket dirty and then actually you had you had never seen your cum bucket in such an unfit environment.

Stanger, we all know you, man. It didn't seem like a joke. Yeah, because I was tripling down to try to turn it around and make it funny, guys. It didn't play funny. And so I'm like, well, do I bail on this right away? Or do I just keep going and digging deeper? You started smearing my face down in the ground you were like if it's so clean why don't you eat off the bottom of the dinghy

you're the one who says it's not dingy right and you started making me like like lick like he did and in stand-up it's called an act out it's an act out like sebastian maniscalco yeah so look it's not a lot of the food we were bringing was at the bottom of the boat and sean did end up having just like eat a lot of the food i ate most of the food they were supposed to bring in i didn't hear him complaining about that i did okay so i kind of pulled haze aside when i wanted to complain about he did complain about that did you enjoy it or not did you enjoy eating some of that food there were parts of the food that i probably would have enjoyed under different circumstances i think the this you know

the scenario that i was involved in where my face was being held down by someone who i previously thought was my friend who i guess was doing a very committed series of jokes about how the dinghy wasn't very clean and chose to act out uh on my person yes aggressively this is why i don't even want to do comedy anymore what i'm canceled now all right no one said that how can you be canceled from doing before you even started doing comedy so you didn't think it was funny hey look look by all means say that the joke's not funny that's fine i'm just saying don't fucking cancel me in the i'm saying that it's not a joke. I'm saying that it's not a joke. Oh, no. Now, do you think, because, like, I noticed that Sean defined what swabbing was this time when he brought up swabbing. Did you maybe not know what swabbing was when he said he swabbed the deck and that's why you thought it was so dingy?

No. I totally knew from the beginning what swab was okay he said swab and i was like man you know clearly that's what you call cleaning a deck in the ocean and that's not what you said at the time it's making a joke at the time now you know with the like it's me explain see we're already doing like the seinfeld me explaining my jokes and making them not funny anymore this is good for me because i couldn't hear anything for the first half of the boat ride. So getting caught up like this. Okay, but you can hear the five Scientology things that I explained before we. Well, I saw the Paul Haggis.

I saw the Paul Haggis T-shirt and I heard the other three and then the fifth one being the one I was here for. Yeah, I apologize. Hey, can you hand me my harpoon gun? Yeah, sure. Thanks. Point it out. Point it away from the boat, please. When I

see something to shoot at. Well, at least in the meantime, don't point it underneath your chin like that. We're all a little like it's stressful to watch. This is the best way to hold this is the safest way to hold it all right i know where the tip is at all times it's right under my chin it's very safe for the rest of us i'm more concerned with the car the concept is you'll never forget there's a live harpoon on board if you can always feel the sting of the

sharp metal against your own face and And now I know how sharp it is because see how I'm drawing a little bit of blood here? I am seeing that, and I would not characterize it as a little bit. Yeah. Well, for me, it's a little. You're going to have to put way more toilet paper in that hole if you want to stop the blood. And I like mixing a little of my own blood with the chum.

Now, also, you want to be resting your weight on that trigger as much as you can before the mechanism is activated right that's that's also your technique for that's just a harpoon in one-on-one okay you have a loose trigger finger it's liable to get jammed into by something that That's what happened to Irwin. Steve Irwin was loose on the trigger and the fucking Stingray got the first shot off, like Greedo fucking took him out. Hollywood Handbook.

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Does their finger hurt? I wonder if they spotted a spider web or something. They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a lot of dates and I need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of

like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as i'm going that's what i've been doing dangerous yeah but some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners i'm sure babbles tips and tools are approachable accessible rooted in real life situations at which i have all the time and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others. Can't feel good

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babbel.com slash the boys. Get 55% off at babbel.com slash the boys, spelled B-A-B-E-L dot com slash the boys. B-A-b-e-l dot com slash the boys b-a-b-b-e-l b-a-b-b-e-l dot com slash the boys rules and restrictions may apply with babbel we can't promise it'll always be easy but you'll always be glad you did it kind of like this podcast except it is easy for me hey guys rocket money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions but you'll always be glad you did it. Kind of like this podcast, except it is easy for me.

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They're the scourge of our modern life, and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged. I know that I was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before I found out how much it was costing yes that they intended to send me by the way you'll this will shock you 54 dresses if i did not cancel and i you know oh that one's got an end point by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie. They were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear. And one of them was a dressing. Yeah. One of them was a French. It was a vinaigrette.

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i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys i want to talk about the skit just a little bit more before, because we have to get right on and do it. It's like the first thing we do is do the skit. It's pretty clear.

Yeah. I never got the packet thing. I used it to get leaves out of my pool. So it's like completely ruined and hard to read now. Okay. Did it have any explanation as to why they need it? Paper. I don't know why you would use it.

Did it have any explanation as to. It's really just. Oh, well, it works use your hands you weren't there it fucking worked it was the easiest way to clean so hayes i gotta back my boy here he's got a fucking pretty popular tiktok page where it's like different ways to get leaves out of your pool he's got a fucking shit ton of followers i mean he's like oh like it's huge particularly overseas yeah and i call it skipping the pool but people understand what i what i mean he's like oh like it's huge oh it's particularly overseas yeah and i call it skipping the pool but people understand what i what i mean by it okay yeah that seems like that

should be skimming and what john was talking about should be skipping it's either one could be either one i think it just either they're interchangeable on both ends of it does the doc say why the five of us are forced to collaborate on the skit like that's the part that's confusing me where they like we got two white guys and three white guys can we combo them into one and they want us to do a skit not a podcast not anything to do with hollywood handbook or action boys on well so this is actually what i want to mention they i they would love us to incorporate patreon in some way uh mosquito just snagged a mosquito out of the air well hold on throw that in the video tier with rub that on your face

because the birds will love to lick that off okay doing it you want to mix that with your chum ben i i saw when you did that i saw stanger reach for his bucket and then that kind of put his head back like everything was okay it was a false alarm hey i cut you off there hayes what so they would love us to mention patreon or like i ideally incorporate it in some way into the skit more than just having jordan because jordan's gonna hold the stick is that not enough of a patreon mention should we do something a little more ham-fisted get like as i could you know like a ad read like go really in like glorifying patreon like we love it like make jokes like it's the literally the only thing that's keeping my uh house a roof over my head and shit just like yeah i just think calling the guy who is like funding all of our lifestyles a sucker is like maybe not

what we want to do pretty epic power play with just like our few minutes on stage i'm starting to think mr candy's full name is kandowski and it's been shortened kind of like like and just it happens to be a coincidence where he got into the candy business and his whole life he's fucking like i don't know like um uh cory kandowski and now it's like cory candy and now people call him mr candy i might give you something to work with his first name yeah that's a cool backstory for him he's like an old man and his first name is cory well can hayes roll in like the ellis island set up to his kind of uh skit set up when he comes out explains it he could say at ellis island mr kandowski shortened his name to mr can't like do

we or do you think that like the audience will just get that from the start of the sketch skit sorry you know i have a question for Hayes, if I may. Okay. This might seem immaterial, but do you consider Sir Elton John to be something of a wordsmith? I mean, he's not the lyricist for most of his own songs, so I guess no.

My answer would be no. Ah, okay. So then do you consider Bernie Taie topen sure could be compared to compared to elton john yes absolutely yes okay he was he wrote the actually works in words so yes okay all right so you do think that he knows his way around a phrase yes you know it's so curious because there's this song you probably never heard of it kind of a deep cut crocodile rock i've heard yes i've heard of it and i've heard the song for it okay oh you know that one okay i guess it's pretty big i guess i've heard it but never of it

no one's ever really explained it to me but i've heard the song well maybe the first three or four lines would would be helpful just so we all can figure out have we heard this you know is it really good i i remember when rock was young yeah me and suzy had so much fun. Holding hands and skimming stones. Had an old gold Chevy at a place of my own. I wonder if you want to make a meal out of Bernie's choice artistically

to call it skimming stones. I mean, again, maybe it's a regional thing i'm just saying it's like it's what if you're saying what it should be seems like what it should be you're gonna tell bernie who wrote can you feel the love tonight so the guy who wrote can you feel the love tonight now we're going after his ass i guess i crocodile rock i got my best song with the best words of all time for most like activities from just like growing up and like talking to other people you got it from the song crocodile rock

that's that's fine like we like again this is all fine i don't want to talk about this i want to talk about worse they're interchangeable crocodile rock kind of proves that okay let's go back to you having a problem with old man being called cory yeah please let's fucking nitpick that all right well the name i shouldn't have even mentioned that because the name is really not the name is really not the issue for me i can you hey can you pass me my noose the noose yeah yeah okay for my fishing stuff yeah nice hayes do you think claire de loon is a wordsmith claire de loon i mean i know the song that's a person uh yeah that's a recording artist claire de lune uh maybe some lyrics could help you understand if she's a wordsmith or not skipping stone and echo on the water letting go

surrender to the bottle skipping stone and echo on the water from her single skipping stones wow i mean so i guess i mean that's the argument i was big i don't know why you're taking it to me because you seem to be the arbiter of what is real and what isn't real yeah i want to just check in with you but wait i'm actually curious do you think she's a wordsmith or not because i i get yeah i yeah so thank you so much for asking. I've never heard of this artist before. I never this song. I've never heard of based on based on what you heard. What do you think?

I don't really remember anything except the skipping stones part. I mean, it's I'm not I'm not going to I don't want to tell you how to argue, but you may want to say that you you like what she's doing i do yeah because she's supporting your end of the argument here okay yeah okay i don't want to tell you how to well bad news she's actually a terrible wordsmith i can't believe you fucking hitched your wagon to that you and i turn around i didn't actually commit well you guys are fucking arguing about everything. And I look down, and this fucking cum bucket's full. Yeah, well, Stanger had the noose for a hot minute before you did. So I think I got it. I could tell.

That's why I turned around. I'm a gasper. I'm a gasper. Gasping, no casping. Yep. I did notice a distinct clarity of mind when he was coming in and talking to me about how to argue this point that stands out this if you're talking to stanger and he presents clarity of mind that'll fucking really you know wake you up make the hairs on the back of your neck tingle that's scary

what do you think if i like now gabrus does this offend you if I do sour Razzies? No, no, no. I think I'm going off Razzles anyway because the dibs thing got me hot because I'm a big fan of dibs. And if there is a frozen counter at Mr. Candy's Candy Shop, then I'm going to go dibs. I call dibs on dibs. It's theater of the mind. We can create the space ourselves by just kind of saying,

I see you have a freezer back there. You haven't had the last several options we asked for that traditionally come off shelves. Good call. Perhaps in the freezer you have some dibs. I just think these people will hate hearing about candy. Wait, so Kandowski has a freezer now? Kandowski does. How come you're making script notes once you hear that?

What are you changing in the script stagger you got a script it all affects his performance i just mean i would have loved to have known that i had a freezer from jump on this but i'll get i'm putting it in now so okay from jump it would have been helpful but i'm putting it in now so so as long as we are kind of engaging with you against stanger and you have a clear head that maybe we can get to the bottom of some of what happened when i first sure when i first was dealing with you on the dinghy now you're saying that you knew swabbing meant cleaning mopping the deck the whole time but it seemed pretty clear at the time that i first said it that you thought i was

mispronouncing wasabi yeah that was didn't you didn't think that was funny like saying honestly i kind of did think it was funny yeah i was you know you're off on your your how you're talking about the green spicy my man i think that's yeah well that's exactly what you said i mean it sounds it sounds good you know coming out i don't know and so i you know then you know smearing it on the ground and then ramming your face in it to punish you by you know making you inhale something that's that's spicy and that all was that all was part of a bigger joke and it got in my eyes fuck the shark got half of my crows i didn't think that fucker was gonna jump that high

you guys didn't see that you know i didn't shark jumped like 60 feet out of the water say half he ate half of my crow and a lot of the he ate half of my fewer crows yeah i'm seeing there's less of them that sucks do we feed the crows to the cruise ship people is that gonna help okay now that's that's inspiration the shark seemed to really be loving eating those crows that's what gave me the idea for their food yeah are they good meat ben the crows yeah they're they're a little bit gamey i have been forced to eat a couple crows um in a survival situation a time or two and they're not like they're not good but there's yeah like they're you can spot the ones that have like a musculature i can stand out yeah i can see a

couple that are would be bad for that for sure the buff the buffer crows taste better they taste worse oh okay okay okay yeah that makes sense all right so you want to avoid them you want the fucking you want a fat some dumb fat ones you want the fatties big fat bitch of a crow sorry is the skit is the skit now it's your russell crow you work at a crow shop oh okay okay okay now is this because the boat has a crow shop on it fuck okay no the boat does not know so you didn't read the document the i understand it's fine the boat does not have a crow shop oh okay cool cool that's gonna that's good we're already you know a to c here that's great does it fight it at all that a crow shop's not really a thing? I think it is a thing.

Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead, maybe. I am wondering about it. We're using the same format. Are we going to get to suckers as the... I just got these two suckers on a stick. What about you just got murdered? If we rewrite the outline to you just got murdered. Yeah, I do have a crow shop.

So like it is a real thing. I run one. So like you have a freezer in that crow shop. Yeah. Oh, you got to have one for like just like your own personal use snacks. Ice cream. Are we worried? Russell Crowe is actually a real guy.

Okay. Are you asking because you don't know if he is or not or i don't know if he is or not but like should we like does anybody want to do like an internet search i don't know if you guys you have smartphones or not i don't i think he's a guy because when we were talking about the buff he is i couldn't help but think he is he is a guy he is a guy yeah he is a guy he's really famous he was in uh cinderella man and yeah he was at cinderella man yeah cinderella man he was in uh he was in the paul haggis movie the next three days oh okay i think i would recognize him if i saw him russell the muscle bro yeah hey uh would have go ahead ben do you have something you wanted to say yeah man take that fucking life jacket off what's with you guys live a little bit

so here's what you guys move in those things we have have the crow's option. That's great. If we are going to get to, I got a couple of suckers here. Maybe it's like an octopus store or something. Because like octopus like have the little like suckers on there. They also sell crows. Oh, vacuum store. No, I'm thinking maybe we vacuum. Well, we don't have a vacuum. I'm thinking maybe.

So we've got between here and the boat if in that distance we could put a bucket to drop it down into the ocean saying i don't know if you need to keep what's in there i guess you you do because you i don't put that in the ocean don't put what what stanger put in there do not put that in the ocean. Yeah, that shit's like ice nine. It'll fucking like. That can't go in the ocean? No. No, the fucking. That's what the army was spraying on trees in fucking Vietnam.

It's bad news, dude. Okay. Here's my problem with it, Hayes. Candy stores are real. Crow stores are real. Vacuum stores are real. Octopus stores are fucking bullshit. It's just suckers.

It's just to get to the idea of suckers. But do you think, were you saying you wanted to try to catch an octopus to bring out? I mean, he's got a harpoon gun. I don't know if you could just shoot that in there a couple times into the ocean. So here's your version of the sketch hello you know i mr octopus store uh do you have an octopus here stanger yep here you go and then we have one well i think mr completely over mr candy's octopus store just sound it's like wordy it sounds weird i think at the end it would be nice if we actually did have whatever we were saying he did right so we do have a treat we do have what we're saying

we got two suckers on a stick these fucking chumps actually hold the stick for the whole sketch and we drag it out man we wait until their legs are buckling because they've only been eating candy they're not very healthy right now so we put them in a spot where they're really feeling it suffering also do you think we have what it takes to really drag it out though i don't know i would what like a thin idea a thin premise have you guys ever tried to fucking hunt an octopus they're one of the smartest creatures in the sea they will outsmart me every step of the way you can't shoot it with a harpoon i got it it's it's too smart it's way too smart you got to trick them you got to set up a little classroom and a waterproof chalkboard with eight pieces of chalk and then they just show up there's

like there's something specific they're like put a half finished equation out there they love they sneak in at night yeah start trying to solve it. At least that's what my octopus teacher always did. They'll pass you up even if you got a field medal. They'll pass you right up. It's a fucking field medal! I don't know if we have time for that. Oh, it's about my medal.

We gotta set up a school. You can have the fucking thing. We gotta... We gotta get to school hours he should have gotta like close we gotta close the school and then we gotta have like and we gotta have the equation up there i don't know how i don't know like you're a smart guy maybe you can come up with an equation on the fly that like well you read the thing is there a school on the boat there's no there's no school oh that's part of

like the appeal that's part of how they sold this about how there's like no school no teachers no parents no babysitter no dirty looks yeah i remember that from the from the leaflet yeah so he read it just that part oh you just read that part okay maybe okay so like since i am like trying to figure out how to get to the suckers thing i am still concerned about like having jordan up there who is like literally feeding all of us for the for the do we know the rest of our lives does he like being roasted some people fucking get off on it yeah uh speaking of which i'm getting aroused thinking about getting roasted now you got me fucking all i'm picturing i'm picturing just people grabbing my belly and going you little

fucking pig get lost and it's getting me aroused and maybe jordan's into that and maybe it's like because like you brought up him feeding us i know you were talking about like putting fucking money in our pockets but like maybe he'll like enjoy actually physically feeding us on stage okay there's no food there's the candy you want him to feed us over the candy okay yeah that's interesting if he's like dangling a twizzler into my mouth and i'm sort of like just like taking little nibbles like working my way closer to his hand so now you like a version where mr kandoski does have food and the counter is is this is outside of the customer this is outside of the skit this is abandoning the skit this is just saying like if we want to make jordan

happy and what he's into is feeding us you you seem really concerned with more servicing the buyer or whatever than what I thought was more of an artistic endeavor. I don't know him. Kevin has been the intermediary, which I think has been for the best. Kevin, does he like this stuff? does he like getting roasted he he dishes whoa where's the fucking i was under the dinghy sorry guys holy shit holy shit man scuba certified kevin that's that's high-tech frogman gear whoa thanks yeah it's very uh uh greasy right now but uh i well yes you are there's a lot of there's a lot of fucking shit in the ocean that's on that's on all of us did you see that huge ass

shark everybody missed it except me it jumped 60 feet out of the water i mean the splat i don't know how the fuck these guys missed it the wake it created coming back into the water was, I'm fucking soaked. I can't hear anything on this boat. I haven't been able to hear anything the entire time we've been here. You don't have to hear. I mean, it's mostly visual. Sorry, what was that? God, I'm so stuck on this idea, all this junk in the ocean.

I'm looking at Kevin. He's just dripping with all this disgusting pollution. And what if this is our presentation? We walk out, we go, hello, Patreon. I'm going to describe for you a disgusting parasite, a bacteria. And you try to guess what it is that I'm describing. It latches onto the host, drains it of every conceivable resource just to enrich itself, then leaves it barren, empty, and disgusting. And we have it behind a blanket, and then we rip the blanket off, and it's Stanger standing there, and we say, the human man.

Okay. The virus was the human man. Okay. The virus was the human man. Okay. I mean, I thought it was going to be Jordan or something. The human animal known as man. Oh, shit. If you're into that, that's funny. I don't.

Okay, Hayes, Hayes, you finally got a good fucking. I don't think you would like being called. Jesus Christ, man. Yes. You're called a parent. Not a second too soon. The blanket is the paywall Jordan behind it that's it the human man and then we introduce Jordan everybody's fucking

aghast I wasn't able to read the document Hayes does it have anything about like Jordan is game to stand with a blanket over his head for is that an X amount of minutes is that in there I didn't get to read the document either. It says that he will, I mean, he'll go to sleep if you do that. And my bad, I'm not reading the document. I had to like paste over my windows to let my contact know that I was home. That's the signal we use.

And Kevin, edit that out later. Sure, yeah. Jordan's a huge kid rock fan and i was thinking we could use the um do you know in the pilot episode of silicon valley when um kid rock is we gotta go we gotta yeah we gotta go we gotta go yeah and just to answer gabrus in terms of your question of whether we have what it takes to stretch out a kind of thin idea up on stage, I think as long as we're all comfortable having some clearly bad parts. Yeah, yeah. I'm obviously okay. Bye. Hollywood handbook.

This week on the Patreon, Carl and Ahsan take a personality test, the boys discuss my goals for next year, and the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes, including today's with the action boys, at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.