Hollywood Handbook - The Big Holiday Party

Episode Date: December 26, 2017

JAKE AND AMIR from the "If I Were You" podcast are in the studio along with many other guests to celebrate at the big Hollywood Handbook party for the holidays.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Almost over. Brett. Brett, do it now! Brett, do it! Brett! Hold on, what? What are you talking about? Brett, how many times did we practice this before we started recording? There. It's supposed to go over the song.

But it's over. It's instead of just hearing the whole song. And this is way too loud. That's great. That's great. That's great. It's supposed to be quiet at the beginning. That's louder. Too many things. Don't make it louder,

Brett. It's supposed to be silent at the beginning, and then the bells are slowly getting louder like Santa's coming. It's just getting closer. He's moving too fast hold on there we want a build of the bells okay and we want the song to fade out as santa gets in we don't have time to do and then instead of whoa we want santa saying ho ho we don't have

time why is it so fast we're never gonna get it we spent too much time practicing that's the thing is we ran it so many times you had it perfect I got nervous we should have told him that the practice was the real thing that is so great so he would get used to doing the real thing this is why Pete Holmes does it the way he does it

where people go hey are we recording right now and he goes yeah we just go baby you know what I mean we just go, baby. You know what I mean? Yes. We just go! You get the raw experience of people just going. Have you guys did that show? You did that show?

Have you made it weird at all? Yeah, we kept it crispy twice. Oh, wow. I think twice. That's sick, man. Did you learn about fucking bee pollen or supplements or anything he was on at that time? Something he was passionate about that week?

Are you mad at us? No, I'm asking a question. No. But it would be okay if he was. If you were mad at me? It's my right to be mad. I guess. No, I don't think. It's in the Constitution. Americans can be mad. I like that theme song.

I thought it was good. The bells. You don't have your headphones on. And that's the Constitution. Americans can be mad. I like that theme song. I thought it was good. The bells. You don't have your headphones on either. And that's probably why. You can hear them. The bells are so loud. They were a little loud, but I didn't hate it. You could hear with your headphones on the table. They're aimed at, yeah, people who don't wear their headphones.

That's a good way to listen to that theme song, actually, if you just take off the headphones. Hey, listen to the whole podcast without headphones on. Welcome to Hollywood. Oh, wait. I had a version I wanted to do. Welcome to Holly Day Handbook. Welcome to Holly Jolly Handbook.

That's good. An insider's guide. You guys been on Fox Angeles? An insider's guide to getting presents. And I don't want to be too specific to any one holiday is my issue. Right. I don't want to say presents. Presents is all of them.

I know, I know. But I was going to say like decorating a tree or something, but then you also have to light a menorah. The back half can be for the other stuff. You don't need to decorate a menorah, right? The other stuff. The Insider's Guide to Getting Presents and Celebrating the Holidays. With your friends.

In the red. Yes. But red is Santa. Eggnog. That's also just super Christmas-y. Is eggnog just Christmas? Yeah, I've never had eggnog. Well, I mean, they sell it at Starbucks, but I guess that doesn't make it any more or less Christian.

Well, Starbucks is the one who initially started the war on Christmas. Really? Mm-hmm. Yeah. First shot. Oh, because of the cups? Yeah, the first shot was the cup. What did the cup say?

It said happy holidays? It said, what did they, the first time. They used to say Merry Christmas. Mm-hmm. And then they changed it. And that was happy holidays. And that was the initial shot. The assassination of Archduke.

Of Christmas addicts, yeah. And Halloween people were mad because they weren't doing a Halloween one. Oh. A lot of the Halloween people got mad. People don't talk about the war on Halloween. The war on Halloween has gotten out of control. That's a bloody one. You're not allowed to say Happy Halloween. You're not allowed to say it anymore. You're not Halloween has gotten out of control. That's a bloody one. You're not allowed

to say happy Halloween. Not allowed to say it anymore. You're not allowed to ask trick or treat. Yes, you... Trick or treats is... In our society... No, because the scared people

are offended now. Of what? They want to be in their safe space. So what's the more PC Everybody dressed up as a snowflake. I'll tell you what, boys.

I got a safe space for them. Okay. About six feet underground. Pretty safe down there. So you're going to kill them? He's going to kill them. For what? Kill and bury them.

For what? For being snowflakes. You're going to kill someone for being fragile? Hey, when your fragility starts fucking brushing up against my comedy, we got a problem, hombre. You know what I mean? What if somebody thinks you're a snowflake? What if people think you're fragile

for saying that you're going to kill somebody? He's going to kill them, too. Yeah, that's a good way to get killed. All right. They want their safe space, man. I got a space real damn safe. Yeah, you already said that. Safe down there.

Inside a box, dude. We have to do... Okay, so we'll keep in the... Pine box, cheap already said that. Save six feet under. Inside a box, too. We have to do, okay, so we'll do, we'll keep in the... Pine box, cheap. The Holly Jolly handbook thing. We'll do a little bit of the bells. Just leave a little bit of that in.

We'll start it up again. And then we'll do... Can you guys be making sort of like a, what my theater teacher used to call like a hugger mugger, where you're not talking, but you're making it sound like there's sort of a party atmosphere.

Yeah, yeah. It's not noise. It's just I don't want to be able to distinguish any words because I don't want to be distracted from Hayes' thing. It's still noise. Yeah, but when you said ambient noise, that sounds more like background noises that aren't supposed to mimic kind of nonspecific dialogue.

So like one step up from miming conversation. You know what you could call it, which I already called it? A hugger mugger. So you're saying those two words over and over? Hugger mugger, hugger mugger. Yeah, yeah. That is also a noise, but we could do that. Yeah, okay.

Is it ambient noise? Yes. I guess you're right. So. Wow, I've never seen you admit defeat. No, the more I think about it, the more I think about it. We do have to cut this out, but the more I think about it, it's ambient noise. Just a quick rundown on what we're doing.

This is our big Christmas episode. And as long as we're going over this stuff, this will be diegetic music, right? Did you just take a film class? You have so many little catchphrases and terms, news, and notes, and the diegetic, the ambient noise. I feel like you're making a very specific and conscious effort to cram them into the conversation we're having. Yeah.

No, I didn't just take the film class. Okay. All right. Smash cut to. All right. Chiron. Two days earlier. Okay.

Exterior graduation ceremony. Crash zoom on a handshake and a diploma being given to our hero. You? Late 30s. I'm guessing. Your hero just graduated in his late 30s? That's right.

That's your hero? Oh, yeah. Well, it's not heroic to go back to school when you're a little older. Yeah, let's condemn people for that. You wanted to kill people for saying happy Halloween, and now I've just insulted you. No, not for saying happy Halloween.

For not allowing me to say happy Halloween in the privacy of my home. Okay, I'm just saying you might be a little more fragile than you think. Mm-hmm. You agree? Oh, yeah. All right.

What were you saying? I was just going to do a quick rundown of what we are going to do on the show today. Okay. It's the Christmas episode. Comedy Bang Bang, I don't listen to the show, but I can see the little screen grab on the website, on the homepage, whenever they do a new episode. Yeah, we've never done it, but I know what it is. I know. That's why we have you.

What? episode. Yeah, we've never done it, but I know what it is. I know. That's why we have you. If you're on this show, pretty safe bet you haven't done comedy. Otherwise, you'd be doing that show now. That's fair. Everyone else seems to be. On the website, they show a little picture of who did the show. I'm looking at it this week. I hit

our page over and over again to get the stats up. Just the page views? Are you listening to the podcast? I have my – a couple of my kids are just running it over and over again. Pressing play. On fast mode. So they can listen to it. They can get more listens.

That's smart. That's good. Yes. And they're downloading it on their different devices. Yeah. Okay. And so – You believe some of these freaking devices nowadays?

And so one of my kids. One of my kids calls me over and he's like, what's this show, daddy? Like, that looks really fun. It looks like they had a lot of fun on that show. I'm like, what the fuck is this? And there's like 200 people on this Christmas episode. And like two different bands. And of course, like Paul F. Tompkins is there. And like two different bands. And of course like Paul F. Tompkins

is there. And like everybody. All the great comedy people. All the funniest and the biggest stars. And some might like mainstream comedy people. And that makes you mad? We are here now so it's a little insulting to...

Alright, but anyway, yeah. Well you didn't think that it was going to be like... I didn't think it was going to be, but I just feel like you're really harping on it. I would think that you guys would know by now. When Jake and Amir are called in to do a show, it's to do impressions of other people. This is your thing. Okay. I don't necessarily know how to do impressions, so I don't know where you got that impression.

Okay. I'm not bad. Yeah, Jake's actually very good. And Amir, I think you're selling yourself a little short. I can try. You know a couple of good ones. I can do some, but the fact that I don't want to. You're like a Shirley Temple.

Yeah, I don't want to. Yeah, I don't want to. I don't want to hold. I don't want you to hold. See, that was cool. That was really cool That's going to be good for us Because even coming back we've got a lot of people

They don't have as many women Yes they didn't get that many women I don't want to talk about Some of this stuff That would be big So ours could be almost all women Yeah get a little variety in here. Yeah.

God forbid, right? I don't want to offend anyone because my presence is not good. Yeah, that's why we're doing all these women in here. Hey, if you don't want to offend anyone, good luck. There's a good place you can go to not defend anybody. Is it six feet under? Yeah, I saw that. In a coffin, too.

You guys are planning on killing people a lot, I guess. So fucked up. Kill them or change their minds. You tell me what the easier one is. Yeah. All right. We don't want to work that hard, is the thing. We want to do.

We got to do the show. We only have so much time. We can't be changing all these people's minds. It both sounds like hard work, though. It's easier to kill them. It's easier to... It sounds like it's hard work to kill and bury people. Yeah, burying, I bet it's difficult.

Yeah, yeah. There's probably a tool or a machine that would help. And you have your hose going in your backyard, so the ground is very soft. Smart. You want to saturate it. A lot of these people just sprinkle water on the top, but you do want to get it in there so that the earth really knows it's wet. This is how you garden?

Yeah, this is growing your grass or just getting ready to bury people. It's a cemetery. It's more for burying and also for swimming. See, all right. Wrestling. All right, so you're burying people in your backyard and then mud wrestling on their graves. That's correct.

All right. Anyway. So we should introduce that Jake and Amir are here as part of the show. You guys can be, like, get the bump from being guests on the show. We're not going to bring you in here and then, like, not have you be yourselves for, like, a second. No, you'll do yourselves, and then we'll get into some of the other stuff that you wanted to do, your impressions and stuff.

I didn't want to do that. You surprised us with that part, but we will do that impressions if you want. Thank you. I just don't want it to be the majority of the show. Thank you. No, okay, so we can do your little thing. We'll do your thing first.

So we'll do Brett. The thing is what we're here for, but yeah. What? We're here to do the thing, so we want to do mostly us as Jake and Amir, and then if you want, we can do the impressions. But I don't want the whole thing to just be lost. What do you want the whole thing to be, man?

What are you promoting? Well, we have some projects and stuff we want to talk about. You don't have to. Why don't we start the show, then you can ask us about it. It'll be more natural. Okay. We can do it. Sure.

Great. That's offensive. This feels so contentious. I'm just trying to go along. I am. I said I would do the impressions. None of this bleeds through in the thing. It's good to get it out now.

Okay. Yeah. It's better for me. Now I know the order. Thanks, Amir. All right. So it's a holly jolly handbook, and all our friends are here for the party. Every year we have the big party.

Did you start? Sorry, I didn't hear the theme song. I said it's the Holly Jolly Ham. We already did the theme song. No, we, no. That is, you might have mentioned doing the song again from the beginning. No, I said we use a little bit of what we got.

Just the best part of what we got. Light bulbs. So we'll listen through for just the best, like, the best, like, 20 second cut. Of the bells. Alright.

And then, we already said the first Holly Jam. Can we take, like, a 30 second break because I feel like everyone is super,

super mad and that will bleed into the actual episode. No, it's good to bring some energy because a lot of times this show is,

everyone's very bored. Okay. And so, the anger energy because a lot of times this show is everyone's very bored. Okay. And so the anger element. A lot of times everyone is bored during the show. It's much better. It's sort of a one or the other proposition, mad or bored. There's no happy. There's never been a happy episode.

When you look at the comedy of anger. I do remember having a happy episode, yeah. I remember you sort of being happy about how you weren't bored because you were so mad. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So if the two options are literally mad or bored, which is really, it's such a negative proposition, but I guess mad is better. We have to say if we are going to have you guys do mostly female voices as the guests.

Which I don't feel comfortable with. That's fine. It's their show. But if we are doing that, you should know that our fans are very savvy and they are able to determine that when we have female guests, they're not in on the joke. Yes. So this is something that we

should actually clarify for fans. And we can put this into any episode. So lots of times women will come on the show. We've had a few female guests recently. And fans will post on our various message boards and sometimes tweet at them. It didn't seem like you were in on the joke. Okay. Which is always nice.

It only happens with women. And these women are generally professional comedians and actresses. And they sound sometimes like they're trying to pretend like they're in on the joke. Or they'll be laughing or helping the comedy out. But our fans are so sophisticated that they're able to determine, hey, these women aren't in on the joke. The boys are doing the joke. So that is what we just wanted to clarify for everyone. For an example for you guys, a recent example,

Lauren Lapkus did the show, and people weren't sure if she was in on the joke. Got it. No. Are you kidding me? You're crazy? She's very funny. That's why we assumed that she wasn't on the joke. But if nobody, if all your fans.

That was some people's confusion, I think, who thought that she might have been because she's done 10,000 podcasts. Lana Connery-Bang Bang has her own podcast, which is Improvisation. She's done this show a bunch of times. We've done hers. So I think people were like,

well, probably she does understand what's happening and anything she's doing is a bit that she's participating in. She's a far more established comedian than either one of us, I think, is what made some people feel that she might be in on the joke. But the ones who were saying that she did not get it, those were the right ones. Yeah, thankfully there are a few true comedy connoisseurs in the audience that could listen and go, wait a minute. Is she in on the joke? Only Sean and Hayes are in on the joke.

So we have to, let's do, every time we're coming in, you play the bells. Yeah. When we're coming in to the real show. This is for the end. The piano? Okay. That's the end music. Yeah, when we're okay. That's the end music. Yeah, when we're sad.

That's me and Hayes are sweeping up. Everyone's gone home. The party went great. Yeah. But there's something bittersweet about the end of a party, isn't there? I guess. And then we meet in the... I'm sorry, that's controversial for you?

There's something bittersweet. No, yes. You're just being dismissive of everything he says. You guess? Yes, there's something bittersweet about the end of a party. Yes, there is. Okay, yeah, no guesswork involved. All right, taking the guesswork out of it.

Can I say, just to clarify what we do at the end, we're both sweeping up. Our sweepers meet in the middle of the room, and we look up and there's mistletoe, and we pull a curtain down in front of the screen, but we say we are not going to kiss behind this curtain. Mm-hmm. Just to clarify for people who might think that we

are kissing when we pull the curtain down, it's just the mistletoe in front of the screen. The party's over and we are not going to kiss. Mm-hmm. But we do need the curtain down. Yeah. For what we are going to do. Which is not kiss, though. Well, yeah. So... Not in any traditional way. Where are the bells? what we are going to do. Which is not kiss, though. Well, yeah. So.

Not in any traditional way. Wear the belt. Hey, it's the Holly Jolly Handbook. We're here with all our friends for the big party. Can people hear me over this? That's as quiet as I can make it. So we got so many of our friends to come around. We have snacks and chips.

And what was the thing you were saying before, Brett? The drink? The, oh, OJ? Spiced cider? Oh. No, something else. Eggnog. Yes. Eggnog.

Thank you. And we have OJ and Eggnog. Yes. Eggnog. Thank you. And we have OJ and Eggnog. And let's introduce some of our friends who are here. Jake and Amir. It's so great to have you guys. Hey, guys. Thanks for making it out. Thanks for having us back.

We're excited to be here. So do you guys like presents? Yeah, for sure. I love gifts. It is the season. That's great. So that can be their thing. That we like GIFs?

That's like your, like, the Jake and Amir section of the show. People are going to love that. Well, let's talk about it because we do have some stuff that we're working on. So I don't want it to be that's the end, but we can start with that. You did a whole thing, I just want to say. What do you guys get your commercial agent for the holidays? We have to introduce so many other guests. What do you get your commercial agent for the holidays? We have to introduce so many other guests. What do you get your commercial agent for the holidays?

Commercial agent for the holidays? Is this going to be part of the show right now? Do you hear the bells? No. I don't have. We don't have a commercial agent specifically. But I like that as a lead-in. That was my guess.

Do you guys like giving gifts? And then we could talk more about just like what's. I've been watching TV. Yeah. I've seen you guys in a lot of commercials. You've seen us in commercials? No, I haven't. No, we haven't. And so that's why it makes sense.

I was going to say, whatever you're getting them, it's probably too big. No, we don't have a commercial agent. So you didn't get to use that insult. We don't have a commercial agent. Yeah, because you can't get signed. It's not because we can't get signed commercial agent. Yeah, because you can't get signed. It's not because we can't get signed for commercials. Okay, well. We don't want to focus

our energies on commercials. Then you have an agent. And you don't even have any good ideas for presents you would get them if you did have one. So I can see why they don't want to sign you. Amazon gift card or Starbucks gift card. I'll get a Wink subscription or something. Yeah, wine of the month. Yeah. Can we talk about our podcast? I got a wineink subscription or something. Yeah, Wine of the Month. Yeah.

Can we talk about our podcast? I got a Wine of the Month. Can we talk about our podcast? Okay. We have a lot of agents. Let them do it. Let them do it now. There's no bells.

Yeah, that's perfect. Yeah, please. Okay, so we're... Don't do the bells. And so, okay, we're back at the party. We're doing the show, and you had something. Yeah. Well, I was going to say that Jake and I have a podcast called If I Were You.

Brett, I said do not do the bell. This isn't the bell. Oh, the fake bell. This is the bell. So is this part going to be in? Yes, because the bells are playing. Those are the real bells. Yeah.

Alright, we have our own podcast that Amir and I host. It's like an advice show, and if you wanted to hear more from us, you could listen to it there. And you guys have guests on that one? Yep. Sometimes I have guests, sometimes it's just us two. It's fun times. I did hear you say those are the fake bells.

Why is it just you sometimes? Because we don't want to be holding to getting a fun guest for every episode. When you're two people, you don't need a guest for every episode. If you're funny enough. Okay, well people like guests and it could be a good way to get

attention to the show. We do have guests. We just don't have to go out and be like we do have guests every once in a while we just don't need guests do the guests come in and fuck up the show no not really oh that sounds great

I'd love to do a show like that alright cool cheers yeah cheers to you maybe we can have you guys Sounds great. I'd love to do a show like that. All right. Cool. Cheers. Yeah. Cheers to you.

Maybe we could have you guys on sometime. So a couple people, Brett Butler should be here, and that's a good first one for you guys. Baseball player or the actress? The actress. Okay. As I said, this is primarily women on the show, but Brett Butler, deep husky voice, sound like a man.

So, good first one for you guys to do. I'll kick that to Amir because I don't actually, I don't think I know who she is. She was Grace in Grace Under Fire. Yeah, she was Grace Under Fire. What? She was Grace Under Fire, yeah. Oh, I was, yeah, I was thinking of Deborah Messing. You can be her.

Seems like you kind of want to be Deborah Messing. I could do a Deborah Messing. You obviously can because you brought it up out of nowhere, it seems like. Okay, so that can actually be – that's a good idea for the bit, actually. Okay, so you're Deborah Messing and you're Brett Butler. Brett. The two Graces. I couldn't see you. I got scared. How is it The two Graces. I couldn't see you.

I got scared. How is it the two Graces? Don't blow it. That's what I was going to do. How is it the two Graces? Can you not connect Debra Mastick to Grace? And that's why you said out of nowhere. That's not out of nowhere.

Okay. Bells. Oh, and look who it is. Grace is here. So these are different bells than they have to be. We're talking. Are these the real bells or the fake bells? Because when we were talking earlier, you had tell.

I didn't notice. There is something wrong with these bells. These ones are fucked up, yeah. All right. These are the bullshit bells. When we got the real bells. Sometimes Brett likes to let us know in, like, very mean ways that he thinks the show is bullshit.

Got it. It's funny because my character is Brett. Right. That's confusing. I wouldn't say it's funny. It is confusing for us who are trying to host the show. All right. Ready?

One thing that's cool. Okay. This gives me an idea. Go ahead. And can I just say, before before when I was trying to do the funny idea, I say, look who it is. Grace is here. We'll both start talking.

You both say, respond. You think you're Grace and then you argue over who is the real Grace. Okay. I have a joke, yeah. Okay, so let's do it.

From the top with the bells? Yeah, with the bells. Thank you. The real bells? Yes, the real ones. Thank you. Different than the one we had. A little louder, please.

And, oh, look who it is. Come to the party. Grace is here. Oh, hey, yes. Nice to have you. I'm Brett Butler. Grace is here. Oh, hey, yes. Nice to have you. I'm Brett Butler. Okay. Stop. You said nice to have

you, but it's not your party. Got it. It is our party. You are the guest. Okay. You did say nice to have you. You're giving a look like, did I say that? You did. You'd say nice to be here. Debra Messing, yeah, I noticed that you didn't talk at all.

I didn't. I was, yeah. I had, which a little bit fights the idea. Right. I got thrown. And it really steps on my second idea. Okay, we got it. So you need me to say something.

I can't wait to hear this joke because you keep bringing up that you have a really good joke. Well, no. I'm really excited to hear what it is. I don't think I ever characterized it as really good, but I do have it. So excited to say it. All right. Let's do the bells again. You don't have to tell me that.

Okay. And then we'll take it from. Oh, hi. And it's coming into the party. It's Grace is here. Oh, yes. Thanks for having me. Which Grace are you talking about?

Okay, hang on. Don't both of you talk. Not you, Grace. Just you talk Brett Two T's or one T Her name is spelled with two T's You fucking idiot So that's important

Will we be doing bells the entire Through the whole entire show When it's for the Christmas party When the show is actually recording the bells. Yes, thank you. A lot of the bells, yeah. So how long do you think we've had for just bells? It's a usable podcast so far.

Because we've been here for about 30 minutes. How much of it was bells do you think we have so far? We can't use all the bell stuff. Probably have a minute? Yeah, some of the bell stuff is going to have to be cut. So we have a minute. A minute and a half, yeah. Yeah, and you stuff is going to have to be cut. So we have a minute. A minute and a half. Yeah. And you don't even want to

use all that. I don't think so, no. So far you've got 15 to 30 seconds of the podcast. And I will say, Jake, for you, your first line was, hey, which grace are you talking about? Which kind of spells out the joke. I didn't

love that. To me, part of the idea is that you both start talking as if you're sure that you're talking to someone. You assume that you are the real Grace. And then you're thrown by another Grace responding.

I realize that I messed up the joke, but I just don't even know if it's that strong to begin with, and I don't know if it's worth... And that's what I would say, too. If I had fucked it up twice, then probably what I would say is that it's just a bad joke. I feel like I didn't fuck it up twice. Amir fucked it up the first time.

Well, no, you didn't speak at all the first time. Amir also fucked it up. I'm not here to apologize for Amir's behavior. You'll never catch me doing that. He definitely fucked it up. I'm not here to apologize for Amir's behavior. You'll never catch me doing that. He definitely fucked it up, but he wasn't alone. If he had nailed it on that take, it still would have been fucked up, and you know why? Because he wasn't talking. Because you weren't talking.

Well, there's a reason I didn't. I just feel like we got off on a really bad foot this time. I love that Kevin is here. We can get some fresh eyes on this. Kevin, can you sit down, please? Yeah. I don't love just coming in and standing, but I do love the fresh eyes.

Okay. So just pretend you're listening to the big holiday episode. Sure. Hey, guys. No, that's what you say when you're listening to the show. Okay. What a weird ritual you start listening

is that what you you turn on our podcast and you put on your headphones hey guys hey guys wow hey guys

what a sad guy god I think he was just saying hey guys in real life not as part of the show hey guys Chef Kevin here chief junior

producer listening to a podcast yeah so let's confirm that this is what he does is he's keeping sort of a captain's log you tried to defend him I think he's clarifying that you were wrong he just wasn't finished yet you check in and you You tried to defend him, Amir, but I think he's clarifying that you were wrong. Mm-hmm. He was slating himself.

And he just wasn't finished yet. Right. Got it. You check in and you announce listening to a podcast. So it's not even like a sad thing where you like to pretend you're hanging out with people. Like, oh, it's just me and my friends listening to this podcast. It feels like I'm with my buddies. You acknowledge that you're listening. Who are you telling that Chef Kevin is here?

Myself and everyone around me so that they know. So this is on like a bus or something. Yeah. Or a boat. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's a bus. Kevin takes the ferry to work.

Okay. So you're listening. We did the – we called the show Holly Jolly Handbook for this episode. Yep. And feel free to laugh. The party. But also feel free not to laugh. If that was your natural reaction, that's fine too.

And Jake and Amir already did like a thing. We introduced them and they got to do like their bit. I don't know if we. Barely. They crushed this. I think we might, we might have to redo that too if we're redoing

all the Debra, and the bells were different. things, so. That felt good to me. Yeah, the way it is. I just feel like

if we're redoing everything we could redo that too, but. Do you want to talk about, do you have a different take on liking presents? Yeah, do you,

if you're going to not like presents, I got to say, I strongly recommend you don't say that. We were going to talk about some stuff we were working on and then do it over the real bells. You called the bells when we were talking fake bells. I will say, Jake, when we did the present thing before, Amir did sort of chew up a lot of that time.

Really? Yeah, that's true. He did this whole thing about like it's the season and stuff. That's all I said. He said we like presents. He does all that. No, he'll steamroll me sometimes. That's all I said. He said we like presents. He does all that. No, he'll steamroll me sometimes. That's all I said.

You brought it up. I think that's something to work out between you guys. Yeah, and it's not something we need to work out now, but it's true. I'm glad that you mentioned it. May I clarify something? He talks over me a lot. Amir keeps accusing Hayes of saying fake bells, but I think what really happened is Hayes was commenting to Brett

that he hopes Lake Bell is in attendance at this party. Oh, okay. It's very easy to confuse. They sound very similar, but he's hoping that one of you has a killer Lake Bell impression. Lake Bell, yeah. I think one of us does. Okay.

I can try. I don't think it's killer, but I can try. And she's a good step on the Brett Butler continuum because she has kind of a deep voice and a man as well. Okay. So what are we doing? Yes, how to make it in America. That's like on Comedy Bang Bang, they do a lot of those.

Got it. All right. Okay, so Kevin. Kevin, no, I'm sorry. Kevin is not paying attention. He's doing the pictures. All right. So, you know, don't reset if you have to, I guess.

Okay, fine. Hey, guys, Chef Kevin here. Chief Junior producer listening to a podcast. Ah, yes. Okay. And I do the bell. Oh, and look who has come into the party. And welcome to Grace is here. Oh, yes. Thanks has come into the party. And welcome to Grace is here.

Oh, yes. Thanks for having me. Okay. No, not both of you, Graces. And just you, Brett. Oh, thanks for having me. Oh, not both of you, Bratz. That was great.

And me, I'm like Belle. Does anyone know where the orange juice or the eggnog is? I'm sorry, turn off. Who said hubba hubba? I did. Brett, that is exactly the opposite of what we are trying to do with this party. This party is a place where Lake Bell can come and not worry about being ogled and googled. That she is a person and not someone for you to do Google-ize at.

It's just a party of Lake Bell, Debra Messing, and Brett Butler. Well, don't foil for... I just wanted to know if Kevin was picking up on that. I was picking up on it. So walk me through what happened. Sure, through Brett oogling like Belle or just the podcast in general? Don't include that part. We'll start, yeah.

Because we hate that part. Start with your general impression of the podcast, I think, as a whole. Very upbeat. The jingle bells made me feel like it was definitely a holiday episode. And I liked the energy coming into it. It seemed like a gathering of sorts. So it made me feel at home for the holidays. Okay, but plot-wise.

Oh, plot-wise? Yeah. We're like nine seconds into this episode. You're stopping to get... Well, ideally, if we have this, we could continue. Yeah, this will make it easier. Can we go back and do the Jake and Amir bit thing? I will say, just for Amir, we have a time marker on the file.

We can see how many seconds we are in, so you don't have to keep saying how much time that we have. And I appreciate that. I know you're trying to be helpful. That actually takes time. Yeah, I guess. You know what I mean? Sure.

That's true. Sorry. Plot-wise, we have introduced some of the characters, so I feel like we're in a good direction. Okay, but what characters did we... We're in the good place. We're in the good place. Okay.

Characters. Is Lake Bell going to be... Yeah, so Lake Bell... Yeah, she was at the end. Before that, when I was like, Grace is here. And Grace. Okay. And there was a few Graces.

Was there supposed to be just one? Okay. Okay. Yes. Really, really close. There was a few. Was there supposed to be just one? Well, they sort of thought so, right?

So there were two of them, and they were, I was kind of expecting that they would both say hey and then be like, hey, what gives to each other? At the same time. But then you had to come in. I understand time. But then you had to come in. I understand, Sean, that you had to come in. Well, I got to say that. You could tell that wasn't going to happen.

You had to come in. Shoestring catch. Yes. But so the two Graces were like, hey, we're both here. But one was Brett Butler, who's Grace Under Fire. Sure. And one was Debra Massa. And did that sound like them to you? Yeah. Now that you say it, it's Grace Under Fire. Sure. And one was Denver Miss. And did that sound like them to you?

Yeah, now that you say it, it's pretty obvious. But, like, there's no way that anybody listening that doesn't know this going in would understand. Like, if your goal is— Well, Kevin just— And I think that's a representative on your impression more than anything. It's pretty damning. Right? I never said I did have a good Debra Messing impression.

I don't think you guys sort of... You were the one who brought Debra Messing up. The entire reason we're doing Debra Messing is because you... Don't you think we would have rather done Grace and Frankie? Don't you think that would have been our preference? Grace and Frankie? Yeah, Grace and Frankie. Grace from Grace and Frankie. Don't act like you don't know what Grace and Frankie is. Please you think that would have been our preference? Grace and Frankie? Yeah, Grace and Frankie. Grace from Grace and Frankie.

Don't act like you don't know what Grace and Frankie is. I don't think I do. Oh, my God. You say that in your wolf, you're going to get freaking hauled out by your ear by June, Diane, and Raphael. Straight up. I just feel like we backed into the two Grace thing anyway. She's going to kill you.

Okay. You think we like killing people? June, Diane, Ray, Phil. You sit here and say you don't know what Grace and Frankie is? I'm a big Grace and Frankie. She's got the biggest podcast on the network. And by the way, she's on Grace and Frankie. So yeah, you don't exactly want to say that here.

Don't we have like 20 characters to do? Yes. Yes. Yes. So I've been here for an hour, and I've said less than two sentences as me, and then half a sentence as Brett Butler. Well, and meanwhile, Jake didn't get to say any sentences at all as himself because you spoke for him and said that he liked presents.

Yeah. You took his time. Who else is at this party? Well, I had some good ideas. Okay. Let's go. Let's try to reinvigorate the energy here. We're friends.

No, let's not get through it. Let's have fun. All right. We'll keep on doing the party. We can get through it and have fun. Let's get through it in a fun way. Yeah, I mean, if it's just about getting home

it's not about getting home it's not about it's about it's about doing it so far we only have three pretty pretty obscure actresses at this party

I think let's maybe obscure they both were on the number one comedy on television huge at a time when that mattered

one of them was the number one comedy if you actually read the news it's the number one comedy again television at a time when that mattered. One of them was the number one comedy. If you actually read the news, it's the number one comedy again. And they're all back. All your friends. Except the maid did not come back. She's too old. Rosario, they killed her.

It's their show, so let's just. Okay, I'm down. Let's do it. Who else is at this party? Well, I was going to say that Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda were at the party, but apparently Jake has a problem with that. All right, that's where Grayson Frankie is. That's right.

That's right. Do you have anyone that's more of the moment? Like maybe Taylor Swift is here. Frankie Shaw. Who? Dismilv. Dismilv Dismail. Sure, I could do her.

And who else? Who else? I guess, do we want Jane the Virgin to show up? Yeah, that'd be good. Could be pretty sick. All right, so who's entering the party at this point? Well, Brett, we need a door knock sound. Okay.

So no bells this time? No, we need both. Well, a lake bell. Okay. Let me in. Okay, okay, I'm coming. I'm just holding all these drinks. Orange juice and eggnog. He didn't open the door yet

You don't know what drink he has Sorry my hands are full Who is this? Who is it? I'm trying to open the door with my elbows And I'm holding a tray to my chin And I'm smushing the hors d'oeuvres into my chin Put the tray down

And let us in I can't there's no clear surfaces Not even the ground, I wonder. There's so many feet. I'm putting all the drinks down, and I'm putting them down right next to the door. I'm going to balance the hors d'oeuvres on top of the drinks. Come on in. And it's me.

And it's me, too. You slipped. Oh, I spilled the... Wait, which one of us slipped? Because you guys are giving... Sorry. My hand is bleeding. What happened?

What happened was I think you guys put food and drinks next to the door, and then we opened the door. And they all spilled. And we didn't know that we both had to slip. Yeah, but you had to slip, and you just said, oh, I spilled. You took a spill, yeah. Right. But the way you delivered that was so poor.

I forgot who I was supposed to be. I think we can touch that up. I mean, I think we can touch that up in post. Do you think that's salvageable? I was talking, I didn't even know, was I supposed to be at the door yet as Jane the Virgin or no? Yes. Well, I imagine that this meal fin, Jane the Virgin would have a lot to talk about. Okay.

Who am I again? This meal. Right. You remember we mentioned her and you were like, yes, me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is this? Frankie Shaw. She has a show on Showtime now.

Yeah, this meal. It's yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is this? Frankie Shaw. She has a show on Showtime now. Yeah, this milk. It's just milk, I think. We'll get into it at the party. Okay, I'm coming. Just let me put the drinks down right next to the door. All right, hang on. I'm going to try to answer the door. God damn it.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm trying to do it with my elbows, but... We already got this part. You know what? I'm just going to put the hors d'oeuvres down right on top of the drinks. And they're down. Okay, come on in. Oh, hi.

How are you? Whoa! Hi! I slipped. I slipped, too. I'm Frankie Shaw from Smilth, and I slipped, too. And I'm Gina Rodriguez, and I'm on the ground. Ow!

Having slipped. Why are you in a pain? What happened to you? Because of freaking that hurt. Did you slip, too? Sean is going to want to be— Sorry, sorry, sorry. If we can not selfishly be like, this slipping bit is just for us,

and let Sean do that as well. When he sees people like... Good luck doing that with Amir. He takes a lot of it. See, this is what I'm seeing. I'm seeing this now. He took a huge bite out of that scene. I think I'm doing...

It felt like you made a real hand touch. Not a lot of meat on the bone for old Jake. No, I honestly didn't talk for the first huge chunk of it. And you tried to get in on it, Sean, and Amir's like, what are you doing? Yeah. And that happens a lot. Well, that was confusing just because you didn't have to slip, and you said, ow. Yeah, because that hurt.

It hurt you. Yeah, in the scene, yeah. Okay. I'm having a hard time visualizing just because it's such a bizarre party so far with well it's funny it's like

yeah it's like it's not like a normal party you want just like people just if it's a normal party it's not worth putting on a hit podcast yeah I agree

you know what I mean it's like a comedy bang bang it's like a funny crazy party people slipping around how do they do that with how many microphones do they have when they record those is it like 20 microphones

or people are in and out? Brett, did you do that one? Yeah. You're so mad when you think about that podcast. You were on it. Okay, perfect. Was it this room? How many microphones did they have?

Oh, 12. Wow. Was it this room? No. That's really cool. Another room. Bigger room? Yeah. 12 mics. Damn. Because they had a band too, right? another room bigger room yeah

12 mics damn and the cause they had a band too right yeah it actually was my band really yeah but that's not the only band they had

nah that was the only one okay that's not my recollection but you know it's like my band really you're like the main part of that band yeah you're in it yeah yeah it's like a super group but i'm kind of to say i played with if he's in the band i play bass just on tour for them you don't have to just not on the album but what's the band's name not on my band mr heavenly and that's you Heavenly? You could say that. He's in the band.

It doesn't matter what part. No, that I agree with. But he's like, oh yeah, it's my band. He's subbing in. As Mr. Heavenly. That's debatable, Brett. Objection. Mischaracterizes the evidence.

Calls for speculation. Lacks foundation. It was a law film school. I went to law film school. Just to write a few good men. No, that's already a movie. Of course. Why would you write that again?

I was just trying to add to the joke. Matt, I like you, man. Like, that's what's so fucked up. You know what I mean? Why is that? Like, I'm a fan of your shit. That's what's so frustrating. What is?

It's like, don't meet your heroes or something. You know what I mean? Because then you go in and you see how the sausage gets made. And I realize that Jake must be holding your hand through literally every second of every day in order to get anything usable out of you. You're just a permanent problem. I don't know how we got here. Holy shit.

Don't take the bait. It's fine. There's more people at the party. All right. I get. Holy shit. Don't take the bait. It's fine. Let's just there's more people at the party. Alright. I get it man. Hayes is the host of this show. I'm just a sidekick. We all need a hand every now and then but there's a level at which. Yeah. We make it work. And this is based on what?

What broke the Campbell's back here? Because I said the Fugan men thing. Didn't help. That didn't help. That was the big one though, right? It certainly did not help. We got to get through this. We need the music part, not yet.

Okay. The music? Yes, we need a band. What band should we have? Bigger than this band. Bigger than Mr. Heavenly. Bigger than Mr. Heavenly. Like a band. What band should we have? Bigger than this band. Bigger than Mr. Heavenly. Bigger than Mr. Heavenly. Like a band we could actually get or a band that we could do an impression of?

Yeah. Oh, I see. Can we get the Pussycat Dolls or something? That is a great idea. Brett, okay. What's their song? What's their main song? Oh, the main one?

I don't know. I mean, to me, they're all so good. Is Doncha? Yeah, Doncha. Will you. Doncha? Yeah, Doncha. Will you search Doncha instrumental? Yes. Thank you. If we have to do the song, I don't know the song.

Do we have it? Yes. I have it. You know it. I don't know it. I don't know it. You do. Okay, so we'll do the bells in one second. Not yet. I hope you don't want me to sing the. Well, okay. So we'll do the bells in one second. Not yet. The bells will come up. I hope you don't want me to sing the song. The bells will come up.

And you guys will kind of dance in. Dance. Dance I can do. I'm telling you right now, I don't know the song. Don't ask me to sing the song. It's cool because we left the door open because everybody slipped. Everyone was slipping. So we don't have to necessarily do the knocking.

And what are they going to do? Unless, do we want to have the knocking for this one? I can do a casual knock. Yeah, I don't the knocking. And what are they going to do? Unless, do we want to have the knocking for this one? I could do a casual knock. Yeah, I don't hate like a knock on the way in. You know, you knock on an open door. Knock, knock, but you're walking.

Not wanting it is making me think it's a good idea. I just think. Should it be harder because there are so many of them? Because there's like 20 of the Pussycat Dolls.

Yeah. Oh, and each one of them knocking on their way in. Yes. That's kind of cool. And so they're all knocking, and it's like in rhythm to the song. Is it just them, or should we have them come in with another group? It's already 20 people entering. Jake and I have to do 20 people.

We'll layer it. We'll layer your voices. All right. So how many other people do you imagine we should be right now, at this second, at the same time? Who else is there? Oh, the ones that did Lady Marmalade. Yeah, Maya, Pink.

Maya, Pink. Pink, Christina Aguilera. Lil' Kit. Not Lil' Kit. Missy Elliott. Yeah, Missy did the beginning. Yeah. Kevin could be St. Vincent.

Yeah, that could be cool. Great, I love did the beginning. Yeah. Kevin could be St. Vincent. Yeah, that could be cool. Great, I love St. Vincent. No, well, you have to be St. Vincent. It's not about whether, like... Sure. Patti LaBelle did the original Lady Marmalade. And this is like his, he's like a music... Fifth Harmony could be here.

Fifth Harmony? I don't even know Fifth Harmony. Okay, so which song are song do we want to do Don't Ya or Lady Marmalade Lady Marmalade Instrumental Lady Marmalade Instrumental you know that one

yeah I do know that one that one's in French how do you know that one cause it's I it's like Lil' Kim is Eve on that

I don't think so but she for this she should be she should be she should finally get in there okay you should tattoo your breasts okay ready Brett Brett I don't think so. But for this, she should be. She should be. She should finally get in there. Okay. She should tattoo your breasts.

Okay. Ready? Brett. Brett. Again with this. Holy shit, man. This is... The tour changed him. Brett, please.

You know what? Kevin's right. The tour changed him. And I hate to give it up to Kevin, but he is right. Why do you hate to give it up to him? Because, you know, the next time we do it, you don't have to do the next show with him. Where he's like, oh, now I'm doing all this.

I'm the main part of it now. Yeah, it's really. Here I come. Seems like if you're doing the character of Eve, you want to really lean into it. This is disgusting. And the whole bell thing. We don't sexualize women on this show.

What we do with women on this show is... You said you humiliate them. We humiliate them by proving that we understand comedy on a level that they just can't even find. That's worse, I think, than sexualizing. It's not... I mean, they're all bad.

Okay, well, you heard it here first. Amir thinks sexualizing them is good. No, I did not say that. Yeah, basically you did. Can we... Okay. Can we please just sing Lady Marmalade? And the bells.

Okay. Wait, what's that sound? And now the instrumental. Yeah, yeah. This plays as they walk in Nice Do we want any knocking? Yeah, more knocking

As they're coming in Christina Lil' Kim Yeah Ooh yeah Missy Elliott More bells Oh, more Lil' Kim. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Missy Elliott. More bells?

Oh, more. Gucci, Gucci, ya, ya, da, da. Mocha, chocolate, yeah. Jake, it's everyone does this. Free a lady marmalade. Pussy cat. Free a lady marmalade. Don't you wish your girlfriend was Like me Don't you wish your girlfriend was

A freak like me Don't you wish your girlfriend was Cool like me Don't ya Don't ya I'm sorry I'm gonna keep playing these cats out Like Atari's high-heeled shoes No love from the booze No shout-out chicks from the Moulin Rouge.

Hey, mister, soul sister, better get that dull sister. We make a trick wine with wine in the glass. By the case, the meaning of expensive taste. You know a lot of that song. Is this the outro? Okay, okay, okay. And now everything else turns down except for the sad

music. Okay. Oh, this is... Okay. Wow. Wow, what a wild party. That's it?

It really was going good and it was fun. It was nice to see Jake and Amir. We were barely there. I guess we gotta sweep up all this clutter, especially from where the smilf spilled. Oh, that's part of having a party,

is afterwards you have to clean up all the mess. Mm-hmm, yeah. But I still want to do it again next year. Hold on, just for geography's sake, I'm going to start in this corner, and then do you want to start in that corner? We'll sort of work in toward each other throughout this. And then we'll get everything.

And so that was why we didn't do the comedy bang-bang holiday parties, because we had to do this one. Our own that was even bigger and arguably better. Not a competition, but at the end of the day, we had friggin' the whole Lady Marmalade. Oh, sorry, your broom is getting...

Oh, sorry, I'm tangled up in your... I wasn't even looking. Our brooms are tangling up with each other. Pull your broom here, I'll... And you are gone? Okay, sorry. We do have a podcast. It is called...

Just like there's a missile to call above us. Just trying to help. Close the window. If I were you, it's an advice show. Jake and I... And now you guys come back in. You're marching back in. For like the end credits. As who in, you're marching back in for the end credits. As who?

And the curtain comes down. For the end credits. As me? Who do you think? Lady Marmalade, probably. Brett Butler. Yeah, as Lady Marmalade, dude. But everyone is there.

Brett Butler is coming back. She's singing the song. Debra Messing. Isn't that Shirley Temple over there? Blake Bell. Catherine Bell, who we call her sister at some point She's from JAG We talk about her on the show

This is just like over the credits You'll sing You'll sing Written by Sean and Hayes Yeah, starring Obviously us And then Kevin as well Junior produced by Kevin

Yeah, chief junior producer Kevin Executive produced by Scott Aukerman But he he had no creative involvement in the show. Jeff Ulrich gave a lot of notes. Oh, and my main man, Brett, on the ones and twos. Okay. And then anything for the guests. And then what? Wait.

More, more, more. Zodius at home working nine to five. To the Z to the Z. Yeah, yeah. Black satin jeans, they're not jeans. Gucci, Gucci, yeah, yeah, da, da. I think that's where the more goes. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no. Okay. I think we got it. Yeah, I think that's where the more goes. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Okay. I think we got it. Yeah. I think that's good. What are you guys doing after this? I mean, you want to fucking chill out? I got to get into some shit.

Ha! I got dinner plans. Okay. It's not dinner time yet. Yeah. It's pretty close. Jesus Christ, man. Early bird special. It's really early to have dinner yet.

It's four. It's four. Early bird special. 420. I have dinner it's four early bird special 420 get home around 5 eat around 6 why are you so early man

what are you talking about what is that Jake's cool man gotta get to bed by 6 Jake's funny man no I don't have to get to bed by 6

I have to eat around 6 you should be feel free to do more of that stuff Jake man I love seeing you sort of spread your wings. That would have really been good in the presence thing when we were talking about the presence stuff before.

That's why he kept wanting to go back and do it. I can do characters too, man. That's what I fucking deal with. This was fun. Sick. Okay, so we got the show recorded and you're getting dinner. Where's dinner? What's for dinner?

I might get, like, pizza. Oh, you said it like you had plans. Like, you were like, oh, I have a dinner. No, he didn't say it like that. He said that. He said, I have dinner plans. Oh, yeah. I have plans.

I might get, like, a pizza. With who? What's your end game here? You want me to have dinner with you? Do you want to force me into hanging with you? no man, I don't what I said was, let's hang out you said I have dinner plans and then I showed an interest

it's too early for him to have dinner it's too early for anyone to have dinner no it's not it's 4.20 it's 4.20 go home, get changed, shower, go out it'll be 6 it's 4. It's 4.20. It's 4.20. By the time you go home, get changed, shower, go out, it'll be 6. It's 4.20. Hey, guys.

And he doesn't even know why that's funny. It's not like. Yeah. Chef Kevin, Chief Junior Producer, is this still part of the Holly Jolly episode? It can be, yeah. Like post credit. If we can get any good vibes going. Yeah, bloopers.

You want to use this part where you just insult me? I was hoping if we got some good vibes going. Nobody's insulting anyone, man. For people that stick around. We're asking questions. For after the credits, yeah. Who's dinner with? Dinner's with my girlfriend.

Mm-hmm. Nice, man. Thank you. Congrats, dude. Appreciate it. 6 p.m. dinner time? I don't know if it's 6 or 6.30. What's your girlfriend's?

78? Yeah, what's your girlfriend? The golden girl? She's got to go to bed so she can wake up at 3 a.m., right? Come on, man. No, she's not 78. Is your girlfriend the golden girl? She's not the golden girl.

No, obviously she's not for characters. What's that? Who said be Arthur, man? I think it was Brett. It was me, man. So it's spreading. Be Arthur, man. I think it was Brett. It was me, man. So it's spreading. Bea Arthur, man. I feel like...

All right, yeah. She's Bea Arthur, then. Ming. The way you say it is like... Yuck. Can we... Are we done? Yeah.

We're really close, yeah? Yeah. Close? Yeah, we're wrapping up. All right. Okay, bye. Earwolf. I'm a horny girl wolf.

This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.