Hollywood Handbook - The Magic Tavern Guys, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: May 1, 2018

Sean and Hayes have an idea to get more listeners and it's with ARNIE NIEKAMP, MATT YOUNG, and ADAL RIFAI from Hello From the Magic Tavern, the show and Offices and Bosses. Season 2 out now on Stitcher Premium.This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron ( www.blueapron.com/HANDBOOK ) and hims ( www.forhims.com/THEBOYS ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I'm in the studio with Eric Church and Jason Aldean and Billy Currington. And we're just trying to come up with something we have the time like something to do music about okay what's the song about yeah because we all do music have you thought about something with like a back road well i'm telling you a story okay i thought you were asking for help no okay i'm saying we were in the studio and we were trying to do this okay and so my i'm not i'm not going back there right to help you no reason to get mad all i am trying to do is help yeah but you just said have you

thought about it's almost like you should have said did you think about this okay um in which case i would have said no no what we did finally land on because we're all going like well we love music why can't we come up with anything to do music about and then it just like a bolt of lightning at the same time we all go what if it's a song about music

about how powerful music can be and about how those sounds but it is music About how powerful music can be and about how those sounds can almost – But it is music. And that's what I said right after I said the idea. Here's my question. Here's the thing – the issue I see with that.

How could the idea of music fit inside something that is already music? Well, it's what you're saying about music and the areas of music you decide to explore. Like how music sometimes can be a bit of an escape, can't it, Hayes? Yeah, I guess I am using it to travel to other places sometimes. Are you using it to travel through time to some of your memories? Yeah, sometimes, yeah. It's the strongest sense tied to memory other than scent. Yes, is music.

So we just start going in. And so it's like, we go like, this song's about another song, and the song is about reminds me of a song. And when you're singing songs, you know that's a song. And it does fit. I was was wrong it's just flowing and we're going remember that one song we used to sing man we sang the song that was everything that a song could be and now this song's for you and me wow and that really transported me To the other songs that you're talking about And the danger

And the danger is to get too specific Hard to do other music after this Oh yeah And that was kind of the idea Let's put a cap on it and explore something else Because you could always just listen to this song Which is reminding you of all the other songs And we say that in the song

Can we hear that part? It's the last song, no need for all the other songs. And we say that in the song. Can we hear that part? It's the last song. No need for songs. No other songs. Because this is the song. It's a reminder of the other songs. And it's its own song. So now we're done with songs.

Hey, look at the Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Lined back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We look at the numbers every week. What up, what up? For our show. We do. We sit Kevin down. Chef Kevin. And we say, explain this.

Explain this to us. What does this mean? And it's these little lines that are going up a little and then down and then down. And then down. And then they go straight sideways and then they go down. And then they go a little bit back up. And that's when we accidentally had Lampkiss on or something. She was here recording something else.

And then we heavily promoted her. And then back down. And so we are in this position. That's like get a new graph. Yeah, where we're going. That's like, get a new graph. Yeah, where we're going, hey, can you get a new graph? And Kevin's actually, Chef Kevin has been saying. Too cheap. Refuses to get a new graph.

Can't afford a graph. Maybe the show itself could change the graph by being popular. So what we do, we say, okay, let's look at some of these other shows. Maybe we get one of these graphs. And one of the graphs that looks really good is this. It looks like a sword. It does. Or like it has a bone on.

Yeah. It does look like a horny graph that's ready to get down to business. And it's such a mighty column in the center of the graph going straight up that I almost think, this graph's going to get my graph pregnant. So, it's these guys. It's Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Confusing to say it as the name of the show because it is a sentence and it's the beginning of your show, I guess. So you're tricking people into just by saying the name of the show. They're starting the show. They're starting it. And it'll less work for you, I guess.

Yeah. We're just sort of welcoming people into the show. Yeah. It's sort of a title that sort of is. Well, do your. Sorry. This is Arby. This is Arby.

This is Arby. It's Arnie. It's Arnie. Yeah. Arby's? This is Arby's. This is Arby's. No, it's Arnie. It's Arnie. Yeah. Arby's? It's Arnie. Okay. You might want to do Arby's.

I mean, now I am a little hungry for Arby's. We have the meats. Remember? I do. We did talk when we started the show about wanting to trick people to say the name of the show as much as possible. Okay. So that was a very deliberate choice that the show as much as possible. Okay. So that was a very deliberate choice that we made.

Pat? Matt. Thank you. That's okay. This is already... Pat is already, obviously, a famous character. So it's better to be Matt for you. Yes.

Arby's, you can kind of draft off their popularity, and also just when somebody goes, we have the meats, I'm already thinking about, you know, something that looks kind of like that graph. Little meat sword. Speaking of graphs, I was hanging out with Steffi Graf and she is just like

the sweetest, kindest, like you would not think it. She's donating a lot of money. Also, thank you so much for having me on HoHa. It's one of my favorites. Okay. Oh, this is, I want to say Paddle? That's close enough, yeah. Okay, like the Without a Paddle. Up Shit Creek. Which you were not in.

So, I guess that title checks out. I was never in Shit's Creek. Is that what you're saying? I was talking about the movie Without a Paddle, which I'm sure has some cast overlap with Shit's Creek. You sort of look like the dude from Mean Creek. Dude that gets thrown off a boat.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. And you will get thrown off a boat. You keep my wife's name in your mouth. Okay. I don't think he knew. Are you married to Steffi Graf? How could he?

We're in the middle of reconfiguring what our marriage looks like and whether it still is going to be a formal, we're both married to each other marriage. But it's 2018, and these things are taking all these different forms, and people are like, oh, you guys are married. You have to be a husband and wife and live in the same house. Oh, you see each other. You know each other.

And it's just like, well, hold on. Yeah. You know, there's no frigging law book that says here's the laws. Yeah. We've got to frigging find this stuff on our feet. Yeah. There's a lot of law books that say what the laws are. Oh, my God.

Frigging it's bad. What? Well, it's just, you know, that was another time. And that sketch wouldn't hold up today, obviously, for a lot of, it was a little insensitive. Well, because now you're allowed to just ask, right? Now you could just go like, I mean, here's It's Pat today. It's like, hi, guys. I'm here to help you work out at the gym.

And you just go, what are your pronouns? Yeah. Yeah, I just look at Pat's Twitter profile and say, hard to stretch out. Say they them. Yeah. Yeah. Is this going to be weird that I've hung out? Me and Steffi Graf went on the nose slopes, if you know what I mean.

Is this going to be awkward the whole time? Just so you know, I play Chunt on Hello from the Magic Tavern. So I wear a badger outfit and a lot of times I get a lot of my fan base is mostly furries or any sort of people who are into that kind of stuff. Yeah, we got a lot of those too.

You're what our boss Colin would call a bit of a chunt. Irish? British, Scottish? We don't know. Welsh? He talks all fucked up. At first I just thought he had like a retainer in or something. But it turns out that's his voice.

So you wear a badger head. Yeah. Which you don't need to do because you're just recording it as a podcast, but you do it to get attention, I guess. Well, we're all actors as well as improvisers, so we like to put actors before improvisers. Yeah, okay, well, we do all that stuff too. And so I guess a lot of people will want to see you snort a big gorilla finger

in the badger head. Yeah, it just kind of gets their kicks off, and I can control if my nose bleeds or not. So I can control tears. I can put a tear right down the middle of my cheek. I can put it out of the corner of my eye. Same thing with nosebleeds. So I can make it look like I really, really hit the nose.

Did a big one. Like a big Carlitos way. Yeah. Shwack it. Oh, yeah. Well, I want to apologize if we got off on the wrong foot. Because I'm also very excited to be here, and I want to learn from you guys. Yeah, and we want some of your listeners.

Yeah. So we want your listeners to check out our show, prefer it, and then listen to us. Yeah, yeah. And then not listen to yours anymore. Obviously not 100% of them will, but just any – that's sort of the whole idea of having guests like you. I don't want to swing dick numbers around, but can we get, like, what's your average base? Does that make sense, base? Do you guys, I don't know if that's one of the podcast terms.

Well, our base. Base, actually, base does make sense to me because you're a basic bitch. And so I do understand what you're saying. Base is sort of the root word of that. Can you expand on that a little bit? Yeah, absolutely. So when somebody is a basic bitch, they come in talking all kinds of trash, talking nonsense, saying that they did freaking illegal drugs with your wife, and they're bragging about it, chopping up a big fat gorilla finger,

schwacking it straight to the dome. And meanwhile, I know that Steffi does at most half a line, and then she has to lie down. And then you're in a fight. Believe me, you're in a fight. So if that really happened, that would have been part of the story. Look, I want to apologize on behalf of Saddle. We're just really riding high on how hot fantasy is right now. It's heady times.

I'm blazing hot. Yeah. That's lucky for you guys. That's lucky. It is lucky. Everybody's trying to get into fantasy. He said blazing and realized we forgot to do a frigging 420 episode, which would have been – everyone else did one. It's so much money.

These weedheads will listen to anything that mentions weed. If you just say that you like weed, they're all like, oh, that's like me. It's such a missed opportunity. We could have done a 420 episode. But we should get some money from these dorks. We've never done a 420 episode. Yeah, well, your fans are scared of it. Yeah, but Kevin, can you – shut up for a second.

Kevin, can you put the graphs back up on the big screen? Can we just look at them side by side? Hey, guys, Chef Kevin here. It's not a school show. Just throw them off the big screen for a second here. There you go. So that's our graph. We've never used this overhead projector before.

I have never known why it's here. Well, this is what it's for, so we can have these kinds of conversations. We can really get into it. That line's going up. That line's going down. I was, you know, they say never meet your heroes. And now I see why that's true. Yeah. Because you came in here and you shat on us.

You know who doesn't say that? Arby's. They always meet their heroes. Lots of meat in those heroes. They kind of sell a sandwich that's almost like a hero sandwich. Never meet your heroes. It's like, well, we have to. We have the meats. MEAT. Is that the kind of

stuff you guys do on HoHa? I've listened a little bit. Is that the typical? have to. We have the meats. M-E-A-T. Is that the kind of stuff you guys do on Ho-Ha? I mean, I've listened a little bit. Is that like the typical? That is Earwolf the network. I mean, it's all based off comedy banging, which is just wordplay. And then our shit is we do it. Sometimes we say we don't like it, but anytime we come up with a good one, we do it. Yeah.

And we just can't come up with as many, so we spend the rest of the time being like, we think that's dumb. But then we do it whenever we have anything close to one. Hello from the Magic Tavern, we try and be more character-based, so we don't get into a lot of wordplay. And I mean, you guys said you listen to the show. I mean, it's like- Yeah, kind of.

Are we the most original concept? Yes. But are we the funniest podcast on Earwolf? I think so. Right. That may be true. I sort of want – I mean, now that you guys are on Earwolf, which you weren't originally because I guess something wasn't working. We're in band camp.

Yeah. To me, it's kind of okay. I think the whole point of a podcast, as far as I can tell, is that you do not try and you do not let anyone feel like you are trying or thinking at all prior to showing up. That it's just somebody on a mic with somebody else and going – ideally, both people are white. Ideally, one of them – I do want to let you know I am half Palestinian, so if that's an issue, I can mix things up. I can talk a different way.

If you want me to play up my Arabness... It has nothing to do with our shit. Okay. But basically, one of them hopefully should have had a line in Hangover 3, and then you ask them what Zach was like or whatever and that is a podcast. So when I hear yours, I'm like

what is happening? You guys have a background audio track which makes me feel like that probably took upwards of five seconds. It feels planned. Yeah, it's like very try hard to hit play on that background track.

What I love about podcasts is the spontaneity of somebody misspeaking and then someone else turning that into a fucking empire of t-shirts for the next 10 years. Yeah. Like that is the shit that really is like, that's podcast, baby. So I don't know. I mean, yours, I guess if people are listening, fine. What we try really hard to do is to – we put a lot of thought and work into creating a world that then we can be spontaneous inside of that world. Yeah. Sort of like a Spontanean Nation you're creating.

Yeah. I don't know if it's as big as a nation. Actually, maybe bigger, a world. We have a world. We have a Spontanean World. It's definitely bigger than Spontanean Nation. Anyway, it actually may be bigger. A world. We have a world. We have a spontaneous world. It's definitely bigger than spontaneous nation. Anyway, we want in on this whole D&D thing you guys are doing. You're doing D&D.

We're in. D&D is huge. Give me the fucking weird dice, man. We listen to the show about the wizard and the animal that you guys are doing. You are a guy, but you're being an animal. All this D&D stuff, this this is gonna be our thing now going we're starting now so we're just this is just sort of a launching pad this is the you know today's the first day of the rest of your life this is the first episode of the rest of the podcast we're doing dnd shit now fucking powers yes uh saying whatever Fucking powers. Yes. Saying whatever.

Pretending there's no computer. Do a spell. Okay, sure. I've never played D&D really. I'm asking you to do a spell. Okay. The spell is Sim Salabim. What class do you want to be?

Okay, seems a little offensive to our half-Palestinian friend here. Wow, wow. Well, look, I didn't say anything when you said he was an animal. He's playing an animal on the show. Oh. It's your own show. Animal man. Alakazam.

Alakazam. I feel like that's the same region. That might be worse. Okay, what is a spell a white guy can say in 2018? Well, Steve Miller Band said abracadabra. Abracadabra. That's about as white as a cat. That's about as European as a spell gets.

Also, I've never told Pat Narby, but my dad listens to the podcast, and his one caveat is that I never play a pig. Oh, okay. So this could be very exciting for him, and we could get him as a listener. So let's get your dad in there. So you're a fucking pig now. Oink in the mic, you little piggy, you little filthy pig. Why don't you eat my rotten apple core out of the frigging basin of this wooden slough

or trough or whatever the fuck it is. Be a basin bitch. Yeah, be a little basin bitch, my little piggy. Come on, do it. basin bitch. Yeah, be a little basin bitch, my little piggy. Come on, do it. Yeah, good. Now you're, do you like that, daddy? I want to let you know I'm only doing that because I'm a character actor. We are actors, and I just wanted to, you know, see if I could stretch myself.

And this is what Scott would maybe do is we've been rhyming with your name, and then I hope your daddle listens to this, you know? Now it's you've benched your name, and then I hope your daddle listens to this. You know? And now it's, you've benched your dad, and then everyone else just has to account for that. Yeah. And everyone else, because they want to be on the show, has to go like, oh, good.

So how do we get started? We listened to it a little bit. How do we get started? Is there like a map? We should dispel the fact that we don't play Dungeons & Dragons. We don't actually play Dungeons & Dragons. I know. You're pretending it's real. I know the idea.

We're not in the sewers. We don't crawl in the sewers. I know that it's like you're actually the wizard or whatever. I think some of the confusion might be like Dungeons & Dragons podcasts are very popular, but we do a show where we improvise a fantasy world, but we don't actually play Dungeons & Dragons. Well, what's Dungeons & Dragons? Dungeons & Dragons, it's like a— Do they improvise a fantasy world?

Do they improvise a fantasy world? They do. I mean, you do improvise a fantasy world. Okay, and what do you do? You improvise a fantasy world? We do improvise a fantasy world? They do. I mean, you do improvise a fantasy world. And what do you do? You improvise a fantasy world? We do improvise a fantasy world. Okay, so there's fucking nerd poker. Is there ever a dragon in there, maybe?

You know, I don't think we ever have had one. Yeah, right. Oh, please. You're nerd poker without the celebrities, and that's great. They had a celebrity host, right? Kevin Pollak or one of those guys? They had a celebrity host right? Kevin Pollack or one of those guys? they had a celebrity

yeah I'm saying you guys are doing it without it which is kudos to you he's saying we are not celebrities oh well that's a

fucking shit handbag didn't you guys I heard rumor through Colin and Earwolf that you guys were trying to dip your toes get your beak wet in maybe a D&D podcast

Dice Guys Finish Last. Is that something you guys are actually putting into effect? Well, it's also an honest look at dating in modern society. So we do play D&D a little bit, and we talk about how girls basically – Dominance hierarchies. How girls want you to be more assertive. Men and women in the workplace, it hasn't been fully solved yet.

Well, we have no evidence that it works. So maybe we just take a break for a minute and sort of get our bearings. Because as it stands, it's very distracting. And as with D&D, life has 12 rules. And we're sort of explaining what those are on our new show, which we're doing instead of this show. And this is the first episode. This show's ending.

Oh, this is the first episode of the new show. Yep. So we're not on Hollywood. So this is Dice Guys Finish Last. We don't play. Don't do D&D. We're not on Hollywood Handbook. We don't do Dbook. So this is Dice Guys Finish Last. We don't play. Don't do D&D. We're not on Hollywood Handbook. We don't do D&D.

This is Dice Guys Finish Last. Yeah, because we're doing it now. Now we do. I agree to ho-ho. No, no, no. I agree to be on Hollywood Handbook. You're retiring your show. If you want, you can be a guest on our show.

Our show's gone. This is the new show. You can have Hollywood Handbook, honestly. Please, yes. Do it. Fine, let's do it. What is it? Fine, start the music, Kevin. We're doing Hollywood Handbook. Well, no, no. Let's play. We have to Handbook, honestly. Please, yes, do it. Fine, let's do it. What is it? Fine, start the music, Kevin.

We're doing Hollywood Handbook. No, no, let's play. We have to do the magic music. Find some magic music. Can I give you one piece of advice? The secret to our success is with Dice Guys Finish Last, make the first thing you say the title. Okay.

Hello, Dice Guys Finish Last. Well, this guy was going to do Hollywood Handbook at me, and since I don't know what our show is, I'm curious to hear him do it. Oh, okay. With the theme? Our theme? Yeah, the theme, because this might help me wrap my head around our show.

I could listen to that. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Welcome to the show. Enjoy the seamless production. Kevin, Chef Kevin, let's get this right this time. So it's me. It's Steven Spielberg.

It's Samantha from Bewitched. And we're all... Which one? Wasn't there two? No, there was two Darrens, only one Samantha. And we're driving down the 101. And we're thinking about one wasn't there too no there was two darrens only one samantha and we're driving down the 101 and we're thinking about where are we gonna eat and we can't decide where we're gonna eat so i'm just like samantha where do you want to eat and she's just doing the thing with her nose and i'm like that's not helping magic isn't gonna help us here just

just get us to a place where we can have some fucking sushi. Get some fucking sushi. The Californians. Sush me up. I'm the third host. That's it. That's Hollywood Handbook. I just did it. I just fucking did Hollywood Handbook. We should have done Steven Spielberg at some point.

That would have been good. He is a very famous Hollywood guy. That's true. And what I will say, too, is even trying to do our show, you couldn't resist having magic involved in it. Because you're such a dork. And there's so much D&D in your bones. I don't think that's fair.

I mean, I am sitting here rolling a die. Yeah. I can't help it. I noticed you kind of like flipping it between your fingers. Yeah. Rolling it across your knuckles. Like Two-Face. Pat, why don't you do this from a place of strength?

Why don't you do an opening to Hollywood Handbook as Usador? Great cross promo. Okay, I'll listen to that. That was the worst pimp I've ever received. Okay, I'll listen to that. Honestly, brace yourselves because you're about to skyrocket. So it's me, an orc, and seven dwarves. The seven dwarves. These seven dwarves.

The most famous ones. Oh, yeah. Baby Spice. And we are all in a wagon headed down the King's Road and we're deciding where we want to eat. And I think to myself, oh, should we just get some sush?

I want some sush. And I'm the third host. This little piggy's going home. Yes. Okay, yeah, okay. That's who soosh. And I'm the third host. This little piggy's going home. Yes. Okay, yeah, okay. That's who you are. All right, great. The pig is there.

Okay. It's better than what we do, but it's still not good. I agree 100%. So I'm technically not owned. I agree 100%. So I'm technically not owned. To do a show better than mine is a pretty low bar to set. If you turned my show into a good show, okay, I got to sit down. Speaking of sitting down, I need to face Mecca and pray.

Do you guys have an area in the studio where I could put down my rug and pray? So this is like a Colin thing. Colin is an Anglican and very strict about it. Colin has started something he calls the War on Rugs. Yeah. So he sings his prayer, God is the queen. And yeah, he does not allow any other kind of prayer in the studio or in L.A. Are we going to let that hold us back, though?

Are we going to just live by his rules? Are you going to live by his rules? Oh, I guess I thought I was. No. Yeah, I thought that was kind of my whole thing. I was just following the rules. Yeah. No, no, no.

No, you guys are Hollywood Handbook. You guys are Dice Guys Finish Last. Thank you. That's right. Thank you. Yes, that's catching on. Throw your weight around a little bit. When producers and family and friends told Drew Hill not to sing a song about lingerie. Did they pack it up?

Remind me? Thong song. That was just Cisco, though, right? Wow. I guess they didn't do it. I guess he waited until he had a solo project. Yeah, a lot of them actually did say no. So your point is not reinforcing your argument. When Friends and Family told Dulé Hill not to do Psych, did he?

Framley? Friends and Framley. Yeah, when Framley. Yeah, I went Framley. Okay, yeah. Sorry, is my accent getting in the way? Frangela. Paddle, paddle. Hand me that remote.

It's Friends Frangela. Hand me the remote. Hand me the remote. I'm just going to put up the screen and make a little more room in here, and you can go pray over there under where the screen went up. Thank you. I'll be right back. Wait, so the screen, there's a whole other room over there.

You guys haven't looked at the screen before? It created another room? There's just another room behind the screen. You guys always leave the screen down? Oh, wow. Yeah, the screen's always been down when we were here. This place is huge. This is sort of like your show. Oh, I'm seeing all this crazy stuff.

Oh, wow, there's more going on. We're not just in a studio. This is a great way to get into this. And like, oh, it's like Khaleesi's in there. Oh, God. Yeah. But guys, be careful. Know the power of this is that whatever you say that you see in this room, you're going

to see in every episode of Dice Guys Finish Last. You have to commit to it forever, even though you get so tired of it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes. And you try to move on to other stuff, and the fans are like, no, we like the old thing. And probably on any one given day, one of you is going like,

well, remember this thing? And the other one's going like, just stop. Oh, yeah. Let's just go buy it. It's like, but remember, we said the thing. It's like, yeah, I know we said the thing, but can we just fucking do that? Yeah, that makes sense. But for money, we will do anything.

That's true. So we're willing to take that on. That's true. So Khaleesi's in there. Slimer. The Iron Giant. Goro. Oh, Goro.

Freddy Krueger. Sorry, I'm done playing. Were you guys talking about Ready Player One? Well, that could be really interesting if this were like, we're not talking about that, but if it's like a world where you can play any games. Oh, okay. Mm-hmm. And all your favorite characters are there.

And let's pop out a minute just to remind you of some of the 12 rules to live by. Clean your room. Could you clean your room? Tidy up. Make your bed. Okay? Are those all different rules or is that one continuous? It's all the same.

Just one. Just one. Which is, for God's sake, clean your room, young man. Can I ask you, Sean, how do you meet Steffi? Well, I was a ball boy at the Volvo Open. And she drilled one into the net, kind of just toying with her opponent at the time, who was Jennifer Capriati. Just a kid, really. Just a kid, really.

And so I came sprinting across the net, like, just to grab the ball and get out of the way and get into my crouch on the other side by the pole. But you kind of linger. Yeah. I sort of decided as I'm doing it, I kind of catch her eye. And then I'm just doing this sort of, like, tiger prowl. Just, like, easy in this sort of lithe live low movement across to get the ball. Was she into that? Because I think at some point she got stabbed in the back by someone doing a similar... That's Monica Sully.

Oh, was it? Yeah. No, the same person tried. But be careful what you say, Adel, because now it's always her. You've said that. And now they've both been stabbed. Forever. The guy tried to get Steffi, but she's too fast.

I'm not crazy then. George Harrison got stabbed, right? Is he a tennis guy? He got sick. So a fan didn't break into George Harrison's man's and stab him. It would help me a lot if you guys slowed down a little bit because I'm trying to put all this in your new wiki. That would be huge. People stopped

updating ours. Yeah. So, I started at Dice Guys Finish Last Wiki. And then what you might do on most of your old shows is go wiki-wiki wild. I don't know why. Because it's a sound you heard. Yes. Thank you. I have noticed that activity on your wiki has slowed down.

Yeah. Recent episodes have just been like, they did another one. Yeah, that's true. Maybe the title makes its way on there. Maybe it doesn't. They'll batch post nine or ten episodes at once. Just the titles. Whoever was doing it is not doing well.

And I guess we could have assumed that from the fact that they started a wiki of our show, that it wasn't going to end well for them. You have one person doing it? We have like a legion of fans who all kind of cross network. And they have like a discord, all that kind of jazz. So it's like a real army, a real Hello from Magic Tavern army kind of tackling this project. And then behind the screen, I'm seeing Legion,

that guy Legion from the show Legion. This is what we want. This is why you have all these fans. Dan Stevens listens to the show. Of course. Well, because he can imagine that he's in this magical world with all his favorite characters. We got brought into beauty. When he did the live action Beauty and the Beast, he needed some help getting into his role.

And I was brought in to work with him and kind of coach him through that process. How do you spell paddle? How do you spell paddle? Excuse me? How do you spell paddle? What, in Sanskrit? I'm updating the fucking wiki. P-A-D-D-L-E. P-A-D-D-L-A.

P-A-D-D-L-A. Sorry, go ahead. So back there in this magical world is like Bonkers D. Bobcat. Bonkers, yeah, totally nuts. And who's another guy that's in there? Darkwing Duck? Yeah, the frozen snowman. You guys are leaning heavy on Disney here.

The snowman? Yeah. Well, maybe the snowman killer could be in there. Get a little Joe Nesbo in there? The snowman killer is completely insane. And so then you roll the dice, and then what happens? You just make up whatever? We metaphorically roll the dice in terms of every time we do an episode,

we're not sure what's going to come out because we're so beneath the layers of our characters. Every time we go in the studio, we're more or less rolling the dice. And if you get a seven, you lose everything. Okay. Okay. So what gets you the most? When the checks show up every week, which episodes give you, like, the biggest number? What kind of thing is really good to do?

Well, one, we have direct deposit. We never fuck around with paper. Oh, that is not a good idea if you are getting paid through this company. You do want to have a paper trail. Something you can hold in your hand. And you do want to compare it against what your agreement was and make sure that the numbers line up. And trust me, they don't. Well, you can get like an email confirmation.

The check was a positive. Well, it turns out they can just type that out. Yeah. I guess what makes the needle move for us, what makes the M is if we have a fantasy author on, like we had Patrick Rothfuss, who of course wrote Name of the Wind, that's in production with Lin-Manuel Miranda. If we have one of the McElroy brothers on, those guys are golden. So I think those help kind of – Should we be playing the Hollywood handbook theme?

Okay, thrift shop. Should we have been playing the Hollywood handbook theme under that? Oh, with the names of these really famous guys? No, they weren't that famous. Go ahead. What happened to our magic song? What? You got Joe Abercrombie on there?

I don't know who that is. You don't? No. Oh, The Blade Itself. Yeah. Yeah, trilogy. Okay. I told you. He looked up on his phone. Oh, the Blade itself. Yeah. Yeah, trilogy. Okay. I told you.

He looked up on his phone. Well, it's the first law trilogy. The Blade itself is just the first book. I was thinking, because we were talking about Joe Nesbo. You want to be a dork, let's be a dork. What do you guys know about fantasy? What is like Brandon Sanderson? What do you guys know?

I know about the elf. I know about the magic wand. I saw Bright. I think that's your problem. If you're going into fantasy, don't just automatically watch whatever the thing that most recently came out is. Okay. Well, and I don't. And I know about the cowboy.

And I know that he's fighting the aliens. So we do go back to some of this older stuff. Some of these originals that kind of define the genre initially, and it seemed like that glove he has has some kind of power and shooting. So you're trying to get in Dungeons and Dragons so you're just watching a lot of stuff that has and in the middle of it?

Well, the cowboy, I believe that movie is called Cowboys vs. Aliens. We are watching movies that have verses in it. Does Bright have an answer? Freddy vs. Jason. X vs. Sever. Will vs. Grace.. People versus Larry Flint.

War versus peace. Steve, just to help set the mood, can we get a fireplace crackle or something? Alien versus Predator. Yeah, do that. Do the magic music and the fireplace crackle. This is already too much work. I do not know how you guys do this every week, but

magic music, put that on. Yes. Is this one of the healing stations in Zelda? Okay, I guess we could go with that. Zelda, the little elf guy, is running around and he's hurt from fighting the...

Warthog. Yes. Maybe like Timon and Pumbaa are beating him up. If you're going to do a D&D podcast, it would make a lot of sense to set it in a healing station so that your health will always be at maximum no matter what happens to you. Okay. And everyone listening listening we can say that is curing their illness as well yeah that would be huge that listening makes you feel

actually physically okay yeah but the healing process you have to listen like it doesn't happen immediately you have to listen all the way through or at least can i give a note can i give a note though sure if we attract what i think what you're suggesting is kind of a smart idea because sick people are so often looking for something, anything to be an answer that we want to court this very sick audience. And I like that idea but you don't get to keep that audience for very long. There's longevity issues. You have to constantly refresh it. And they might start talking to each other going like, hey, a lot of my sick friends that thought this podcast

was helping them are actually not getting any better. And then you lose all the sickos. But if you really get in on the base of the hospital wards where people are dying. Infiltrate the hospital, pretend to be sick. Pretend to get better from a podcast.

Sorry, Steve, did I say to stop that fucking music? And what I also think might be good, though, and I think a lot of podcasts do go after this, the mentally unwell people who are out there. That seems to be a huge audience who can't tell if they're getting better or not. They often think the podcast is making them better when, in fact, it just is happening. So I think we maybe don't want to say that we're in a healing station.

We want to say we're in a therapist's office. Can I say something I noticed I was very impressed by and will take with me? That the way you told Chef Kevin to put the music back on, he didn't do what he would normally do is use that as an opportunity to get himself onto the show and be like, hey guys, Chef Kevin here, really sorry about the music situation. The reason I took the music off is

I'll never do that again. Just like make up some, like he screws up on purpose just to force himself onto the show. Plus the power move of calling him Steve. Yeah, I think that was really what worked. That was a fucking power move. Yes. Do we have any therapist's office music?

Yeah, can we get something? It might be the same music, honestly, right? Maybe a little more cold or sterile. Do you guys have any musicians that can make a bespoke... Please don't talk while we look for the music. While Kevin searches for the right music, can we just keep... Okay, that's good. Nice.

And it's like Slippy Toad or whatever is a therapist. Nice one, Steve. In this magic world. He's got sort of a Hugh Hefner vibe. Oh, Us. Yeah. We're getting an Us magazine now. Yeah.

Isn't it US magazine? This is good because this is what you would imagine music plays in a therapist's office if you've never been in therapy. And so now like... Kind of a Getz and Gilberto. Some freak leaves the office crying and they go outside and then you put down your magazine and they go like, hey, come on in. So what seems to be bothering you, mighty knight? I've slain all my opponents. I have no more opponents to slay.

Well, we talked last week about, you know, how maybe when you're out slaying the opponents, you're really slaying yourself. I guess my dad never really loved me. Speaking of which, shouldn't you be oinking? Hang on one second. I'm a little piggy knight. Yeah, sorry, piggy knight. One second. Yeah, sorry, Piggy Knight.

One second. Please make sure to use this one specific luggage company for all your travel needs. Are you traveling soon to where the Knight's Realm is? Then make sure you use this luggage company that are babies. See you later. So anyway, we were doing therapy. What do you ever, when you fuck, are you thinking about your aunt or anything weird like that? Well, I do fuck

in mud just because I'm a piggy knight and I feel like, you know, my aunt does sleep in mud, so there is a connotation that can't, there's connective tissue that can't help but seep in. And pigs to me, they look alike. Is that okay to say? Also, for the nerd stuff, you could be Pigma from Pigma Dengar,

original member of the Star Fox team. He was offered a purse from Andross to betray the original Star Fox force. Yeah, that's okay. So you'll be him. And then if we want to do Pigpen, who used to run around with the Grateful Dead. Yeah. Could be like your neighbor.

Yeah. Okay. All right. So anyway, have you tried meditating? No, I've never tried that. Don't. It's fake. You're just looking at nothing.

It's a total waste of time. Can I ask you something? No. Fair enough. Is that the show, kind of? I mean, I'd listen to that. Is that the show, kind of? I mean, I'd listen to that.

Although I will say, Sean, that was really good in terms of when you are improvising and acting, if somebody has an idea and you have a better one or you don't want to deal, you just say no. Yeah, we have found that to be very useful. Super effective here when people try to sort of take us down an avenue. We just rigidly hold on to the initial idea that it's not working. We have stuff we want to do. Yes. We had a half idea this morning, and we are clinging to it. Please do not discover something on our show.

Speaking of, we have your agenda here. It says, okay, we banter here. And I think in the next five minutes we're supposed to talk about board games? Yeah. Like any of our tie-in products? Can we promote some of our tie-in products? Yeah, that would be good for us. Okay, good.

We have a new game coming out. It's a card game called Cat or Doctor, which is based on a popular game inside the podcast. Wow. Fuck. Have you guys thought about doing something like that? Is there like a whole game? I feel like I haven't done anything.

I'm just like, there's a fucking game inside the show that's becoming a game you can buy? I have done nothing. We've been making this fucking shit for years. We get like two t-shirts and we're like, oh my, thank you so much. What do the t-shirts say? They say like Hollywood handbook. Seems a little on the nose. Yeah. Why don't you sell the notebooks?

Like your logo. You want to hear something really pathetic? Is our merch people have wrapped presents waiting outside for us? Why don't we open them now on the show? Did you see this? No. It was Marissa, right? That's great.

So you actually go out of the room. On our podcast, we just pretend to go out of the room. We wrap presents. Are these supposed to be open now? No. Yes? Yes. Okay.

And the merch people were like, once you guys and Chef Kevin are all together, you can open these presents, and I think you're going to be pretty excited about it. And I am. That's how pathetic this is. That is sad, yeah, that I am like, oh, you're going to be pretty excited about it. And I, and I am, that's how that is. Yeah. That I am like, Oh wow. I'm so excited. Something cool.

There's only one piece of paper on top, but they're rustling it continuously to make it seem like there's more. Yeah. There was more involved. Okay. And it's, it's pretty good. It's an apron with Chef Kevin's face on it.

And it says, hey, guys, Chef Kevin here. Wow. And we all get to wear this apron now when we're cooking in the kitchen, making our blue apron. Oh, do they sponsor you? They did. Have you thought about, like Pat was saying, maybe partnering with like mead composition books like because that's a very you guys have that logo right the mead i think we just have black and white what they have for us is a pile of fabric

loose fabric like joanne's fabric yeah that they just got like a bolt of T-shirt-y fabric. And so that can be converted into different things. But a notebook of that? Yeah, I guess we could do it. Every page is like the texture of a T-shirt. We can look into that. But yeah, I'm very excited about this merch. And this is my favorite part about Guessing On Podcast is the swag. look into that. But yeah, I'm very excited about this merch. Yeah.

And this is my favorite part about Guessing On Podcast is the swag. So thank you guys for giving us these aprons. No, these are supposed to be ours. I was so excited. Because you know there were three bags. I know. And there was a present from me in a little bag. I know they're not going to give me another one. And I can't.

Oh, no. I can't buy it. I just couldn't look at myself if I bought it. Do you promise you'll use them? I'll use them, yeah. I've been making a lot of eggs. Lately, I'm cooking eggs. We talking poach?

We talking scrambies? What are we talking? What I do is, like, there's not much of a method to it. I just friggin' smash the eggs. Slow down. Smashed eggs. Okay, wiki's updated. That's good. That'll be

some kind of merch. That could be a game. Oh, smash the eggs. Yeah, gamify that. You guys just gotta capitalize on your brand. Just sell people a box with eggs inside it and a little mallet. Now you're listening. Fucking what the fuck are we doing? So we're popular now.

Dice Guys finished last. I guess we should close up with another rule. Yeah, so the rule... Never be ashamed of your whiteness. I mean, is that one of the rules? Do you know anymore? Yeah, one is parents aren't the boss of you.

One is nothing you do can ever be wrong. Ah, yes. Yeah. Yes, don't question yourself in any way. Yeah. Or try to gain any perspective. And I said clean your room, right?

And keep your shoulders back. Six of the 12 rules. Perfect. What time is it in the show? Let me play the song. Let me play the song. See? That's his own thing he wants to do.

Wait. You didn't say, hey, guys, Chef Kevin here. The one time when we could actually be profiting off it, you didn't say it that time. Now you have to say it every time you say something. Now you're going to stop saying it every time I say something? Well, yeah, because now we can actually, we've been doing it for no return for us.

That's true. For years, and now we have something that says it that people can buy. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. How long, how long has it been? 45 minutes. Wow. Oh, okay.

I'm impressed you got the Muppets. And then with our seven internal ads for other Earwolf shows, to pad that out, we're going to be at about an hour, right? Yeah. Are we all going to do that Chicago show? I don't know. Have we promoted that? It's sold out. Oh, yeah. We're doing the Onion Festival. Oh, I have tickets for that.

I have tickets for that show for you guys. Oh, cool. That kicks ass, man. Lick my boots. I'm a bit of a ho-head. Ho-ha-head. Oh, damn. That feels good.

See, it's a dynamic journey through this episode. At the beginning, Adel's on top. You know what? And he bought tickets to your show. I want you to have my wife. Oh! You know what? And you bought tickets to your show.

I want you to have my wife. Oh. It would be an honor for someone with taste like yours to schwack a big line of the fucking nasty powder. Are you talking to Paddle, to Chunt, to Piggy Night? I guess Piggy Night, if I have to pick. That could be a show where you are going around just offering your wife up to... Take my wife? And it could be called Take My Wife. Yes, thank you. It could also be called We Have the Meats

Cute. Oh. Take My Wife Please. P-L-E-A-S. Please. Take My Wife. Mmm. So... And Matt, you're just not going to do one? No.

I got nothing. Matt, I would love to hear one from you. Sure. It could be called... What else did we talk about that we can call back? Oh, I know. This is a perfect year, Wolfland. Take my wife, please.

Yes, good. No, yes. Taborath. T is a perfect Earwolf one. Take my wife, please. Yes, good. No, yes. Taborat. Taborat. Taborat. Everyone, Taborat. Taborat. Taborat.

Bye. Earwolf. I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com Ow!

That was a HeadGum Podcast.