Hollywood Handbook - The Podcaster’s Promise Sessions: Volume II (with Jon Gabrus and Joe Wengert)

Episode Date: March 9, 2021

The Podcaster’s Promise continues with JON GABRUS and JOE WENGERT. Check out the bonus podcasts and videos at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a result of and i take some of this on myself and i know sean uh does too i take a very small amount yeah i mean it just in in terms of the i at certain point i'm responsible for the relationships I have and the level of professionalism I expect from my coworkers, my collaborators, and my friends. So there's a couple apologies going on. One is we actually are way behind. We need to get a lot done. There is more on your plate than there should be for this episode. We're going to have to sort of back into some stuff

that has to happen that should have happened last week. And again, that's on both of us and mostly also on the guests. But another thing is I know, John, in particular, you love sitting through the opening story when we do an episode. You like that we're talking about the song. I just put my headphones on. Someone say, I thought I heard John through the headphones it doesn't matter it honestly doesn't matter

we we need to move so quickly we don't have time to like catch you up on and we don't have time to do the opening story and that's what sean was apologizing for we know how much you love that yeah and we don't we don't and we can't do my other idea for you actually which was that i i did want to do an episode where you are officially retiring the character of Gino. You're sick of playing Gino. You want to expose how versatile you are. And you have a whole new character, somebody that we've never met before, who's totally different. And it's going to surprise a lot of people. And the character's named Chicken Parmesan, and he's identical to Cheeto in every way.

Yeah, I know. I also wanted to do that episode. Your agent told my agent about that episode idea, and I really liked it. And I built out the Tony Parmesan. What was it? Chicken Parmesan? Chicken Parmesan. Yeah, that makes more sense. Yeah, because I was doingony parma john and people were confused by that

that actually sucks shit yeah and if that's what my agent told your agent then both agents are fired because i don't know because the miscommunication could be between you and your agent in between the two agents or between the agent and my agent and myself and this is what we get these games of telephone and this is fun and joe waker you can speak to this a little bit okay yes of course we get trapped in not now and i want to say not now please don't they're speaking to this uh and like this is the kind of thing that i wish we could do i wish we had time to do i wish we could catch up with like what's been i like i have so much about like what's been going on with joe that

i want joe's in like i know joe you want to talk about how you did like modern family you did like a few episodes of modern family and like and like set stories and stuff like that like god that would be like i would that would be really interesting yes the that set just ran so efficiently and so all of my stories are just about admiring the efficiency so they're pretty short stories and even for that we don't have time which is heartbreaking I guess we could have one you know they told

us that we were going to wrap you know at 6 o'clock and I was in my car by 5.30 you know and the whole ride home I was like these guys know 530, you know, and the whole ride home, I was like, these guys know what they're doing. This is gravy.

This is just the cast and the crew get to go home and spend time with their families. And really, that's what the show is about. And they're living it in front of the camera behind the camera. That's when you're going to work because you're doing research for the show. So it's like, oh, I can't wait to get off work and go home well actually i can't wait to get off work and go to work researching for the show those extra 30 minutes i'm gonna go home and have some sort of hijinks with my extended family and in one of our very beautiful homes and then that's going to be an idea for another episode i was thinking about how the whole family everyone is so rich yeah but that

makes sense that's cool no it's true whole families are rich yeah that's like you when you think about it it does make sense it would be strange if like one if like one of the kids for example was very poor well you will you you are obviously not interested in watching michael colton and jonna boo's new show home economics about three siblings one from the one percent one comfortably you know uh sure wealthy and and the third one um really struggling to make ends meet i like it that i'm i'm pumped about home economic i am too i i want to see it hayes was saying it's it's doesn't make any sense no well the specific example that i gave so you're saying that in home economics they have it's a family and it's a rich family but they they have a child and one of the children in

the family is very poor that to me yes well i mean one of the adult children like one of your okay well like three siblings and one of the siblings like and actually an oxymoron because those are actually the opposite of each other. There's an adult, then there's a child, and never the twain. We cannot talk about this. And that's not what we were talking about with Modern Family either.

I don't think anyone was implying that Manny should be poor. The idea was we're following three different families. I was actually applied the opposite. I think that Manny should not be poor. I'm confused. You guys do have time for this though?

Actually, we do not and I have been saying that we don't. I think it's a conversation that's important to have because we do have a lot to do but I don't know

how we're going to get it done. I'm glad that we are figuring this out. When you're this upset, Hayes, I don't know how we do this show. Within a nuclear family to have different wealth status. So like a husband and wife are married.

The husband is very poor, but the wife is very rich. To me, they should be sharing their money. It doesn't make sense to me. On Modern Family, we're seeing when I say all the families are wealthy, I mean, because I was going directly off of Wenger saying one of their beautiful homes. Do you think that every member of the nuclear family has their own home? Because obviously it was implying that there are like three different parts of the family that we're dealing with.

Yeah. Which is what's happening on home economics as well so i actually think you understand and i actually think we can move on i'm insisting disappointed that you're this upset we do not i actually uh the fact that you're this upset when i'm laughing i feel great and i'm having fun no i actually feel amazing that we are moving on which is what i've been trying to do from the beginning. And so I think we need to agree with you because you're so mad. It's actually a giant win for me. And so I feel amazing because I won.

Great. Well, then everybody wins because I know you guys want to get into it, but I just have to like, let this go now so that I'm not carrying it through the whole podcast. I'm kind of mad that you explained the premise of home economics. When the new shows come out, I i stop reading deadline i don't know anything that's coming up about what any of the shows are because i like to just not have anything spoiled so i'm the same way joe and it's a bummer

because i used to love watching tv show trailers i always thought they were just so exciting good examples of like the last one i watched bob loves abishola i'm still like i'm pissed it's spoiled so much from the series bob hearts abishola oh is that good good well now i know why they didn't let me into the fucking premiere party i had the fucking name wrong humiliating and what's the name of the premiere party you're attending okay everything else checks out you're on the list and just one quick thing so this is all it's premiering yeah and this is like so funny i love this stuff but like we i and this is all on paul and io like the position we're in now

is actually the responsibility of people who are not here. Yes. They burned a huge amount of time on their personal stuff, on creating obstacles. It was sabotage. It was sabotage. If you remember that Shatner YouTube video. And so that has created the conditions that we are dealing with today, which is we are so far behind,

and we have this project that is um very ambitious by design like that's very intentional we are really trying to do something here we are creating a narrative podcast interesting it's like american history isn't it where we're now in this spot where we are very deep in debt during the wanger and gabrus episode people are going to say wow this episode's so bad wangard and gabrus were bad guests well it's really the hoovervilles right where calvin coolidge who was generally regarded as like you know nice and maybe a little ineffective actually is the one who drove the economy into the nadir that they found themselves in during hoover's presidency but he don't even have to go back and so it's like this episode will be bad and it you know that's not that's

not your fault and really it's pft and i was well everybody going pft and i still like which is not fair it's not fair to anyone even to them because they won't learn they won't grow from that we don't even have to go back we're seeing it right now we're spending money that we don't have it happened yesterday we're just like we're just sending money to whoever freaking people that are actually probably not even real and no one is checking to see whether or not they're real and so then it's on the next week for that podcast or like that government to say like oh where's all the money oh we spent it all no no because no one's doing because no one is doing their due diligence and it's been time and time again is that we get

these dudes in there and we think oh this is cool dude but he does do his due diligence what did you need us for guys i'm sorry to dive in here the podcasters promise the podcasters promise 3010 we are creating a narrative uh project together uh it is grounded sci-fi uh hard sci-fi it is based in uh real present day themes extrapolated forward into the future uh sci-fi is rock hard do you uh are you you're caught up on where we're where we're at with this you guys i mean you guys heard last week and you could be forgiven you could be forgiven for um not being able to follow it from last week because it was such a shit show because the guests were so unprofessional. But I honestly haven't been able to listen either because of the professional.

And so this is PFT and I was well, I was barely able to listen while I was while it was happening to me. I was upset. I mean, I was like, hey, is the top of this podcast where I was so mad. And here and they were like me, they were laughing. OK, I have a follow-up question. What do you need us for? It's the same question again, but I will say it as a follow-up to it.

You're half of the answer. And now this is... Actually, I am taking some of the blame off of PFT and IO, who were not obviously supposed to tell you what you are doing here. That is more of an executive producer's role. That is the role of someone who is getting paid.

I don't want to say the number of figures, but it's gigantic to now be independent and had us bet on him essentially as we went independent. And this is our first big project as an independent entity. So there's kind of a lot invested in the success of this it's our first big kind of move as an independent show and to not for the guests to not know what they are doing here i that is not pft and io's job just to be fair to them uh imagine and i'm actually going to apologize to them a little bit because realizing that they

had been given no information by the executive producer who's being paid an obscene wage and is being handed out money much like the united states government is doing to just these randos well here's another rando apparently who didn't do jack shit didn't explain anything didn't prep the guests and now i'm left doing his job and my job and guess what my job's pretty hard to do on its own podcaster i didn't mean to get anybody in trouble i was i was just like it could be my fault that i'm not like i might not have read the email or got you know my agent could have been lost in translation between the agents shouldn't be an email should be an in-person meeting should be an in-person meeting i rejected

that in because it was in person in a eight by eight dance studio public place has to be in a public place so nobody just so everyone is accounted for yes we we cannot um have this behind closed doors he said he said business going on after kevin goes to so yes that's part of why he had to be a wolf while there is a dance class going yes that there was a zumba class going on it was hot it felt against all covet protocols and it was kind of stressful the hotness like it's it's very hot which actually is killing oh i was saying it was hot like sexual okay because there were some like big fat chicks just fucking going ham on the zumba beats that's john wow so we've managed to even though we don't have time

for any of this stuff we have managed to say something horrible uh i mean there was fat dudes too and there were skinny chicks with like small tits and stuff but it was like still fucking tons of hotties going fucking ham to the beat and this was laid out you didn't even go to this so this was laid out in the email yeah this was all you didn't attend this meeting well i don't know because my agent forwarded me the email so i don't know if they went in and changed some details or specifics or like something else got lost in the translation of the forward you know sometimes like an apostrophe becomes like a little question box you know and i don't know if the dancers was added in and like uh through wingdings or some shit i don't know i'm sorry i know you don't have time for any of this but i'm just i want to be prepared i've been trying to get

into acting uh to try to start taking more seriously so i want to be prepared for the podcasters promise 3010 takes place... What brought that on, deciding to take acting more seriously? I'm just a year of not doing it and realizing it's been 10 years of not really doing it. So I thought maybe now, like, post all this. Yeah, the timing seemed interesting to me.

Do you think it's because you weren't taking it seriously enough, though? No, I always took it very seriously. Okay, so that wasn't the crap yeah so that was not the problem but you but that but that is how you're choosing to address it yeah i'm taking it more even more seriously like way more seriously okay oh like yeah so the podcaster promise that's what we're doing and this is actually a great opportunity we'd want you to uh obviously like say your lines and like like do the parts that you are assigned i feel like this should

have been in the email yeah like this information we didn't i just don't i mean like we send you a script and i don't know if it needs to go in the email we want you to say your lines i just like so now i'm actually taking giving kevin a little break here i don't think that's something that he needs to say that's what the attachment was was a script i could it was so it was so fucking small that so that actually if you click it it explodes it becomes huge so that tiny little so small and i know it looks like i know it looks like a tiny tiny little paper or square you are not supposed to read that and you can't so i'm now i'm taking a little pressure off you gabriel where like you don't have to be like punishing no way you

glad you laid on yourself because you couldn't read that tiny paper you're not supposed to read that oh i'm supposed to click on that and then read what i have to read it after i click it's almost like a magic trick it's like those you if you remember those little um kind of pill looking things you would drop in warm water and they become a whole dinosaur oh it's sort of like that i fucking love those things yeah i get dinosaur i one time took a handful thinking it was creatine and i shit i shit rainbow dinosaurs and everyone was fucking roasting me because of the dinosaurs thing sorry i'm sorry again i know we don't have time for any of this we do that that that i would stop

down for because how long did it take and like well you know well if we want to tighten it up really post we could edit you guys laughing at everything i say we could take all that out of you guys enjoying the kind of hip fire shots i'm taking here we can do all that out of all that i'd like to laugh so uh podcasters promise 3010 it takes place 1000 years in the future every child is born with a designated podcast with like an art 19 uh account that their podcast is uploaded to on a weekly basis and they have a time slot based on their uh personality and their brain uh shape the podcasting legends of history are revered in school dax shepherd is still alive uh crooked media is the president but hassan minaj is fine with dax shepherd hassan minaj

that was a conversation but he's okay with it is yeah it's also alive and he's okay with all the dax shepherd stuff there's no beef there yeah uh and sean and hayes in this future like this like alternate character and we will be playing these characters uh are sort of like meat and potatoes just like your classic everyday podcasters hard and a lunch pail just get going down blue collar podcasters just punching the clock yeah and uh trying to do the best damn job they can and they're cool with that and if other people like it then great like they're just that's awesome yeah oh shit you liked my podcast that's really cool that's i guess that's why i do it is so that people will enjoy but i never expected anything from you

thank you but really we're just hanging out we're just having fun conversations and if people like it that rocks because it is just us being ourselves so by extension they actually they like us which feels pretty good i mean a lot of people put on a whole persona for their thing and it's not yeah and some people like will pretend to have a persona to cover like their you know awful philosophies and points of view and stuff like i would love to just finish describe like we we have to we were not expecting to have to go through the entire description of what has what has happened so far so we're like laying that's world building we're like laying

the groundwork of of this society that exists in 3010 and it's still sandwiches and stuff when you say lunch pail this so what show are you are you when you guys are have your hard hat in your lunch pail is it still great question yes a great question show no i get what you're driving at it it yes yes and no joe i mean food obviously is going to evolve by 3010 um it won't be perishable there are sandwiches the sandwiches are digital cubes that you plug into a usb port okay and then you it's gonna sound like i'm saying something rude to you you stick it up your ass but in the future you can upload podcasts in different ways that are not just listening to them so you actually achieve nutrients by listening to doughboys by listening to grocery why do you think aaron and brand safi changed their show to be called groceries it becomes because they become

essential workers now yes right okay so yes so okay in the short term it was so they could get the vaccine in late december but in the long term uh it's so they can be like the show that is basically like a store when you're like okay time for me to shop some groceries you put a usb port into your took us and you like you shove it up your ass yeah oh okay and i'll let you guys get right back to i just had one last one more quick question yeah what's going on if it's 3010 what's going on between dac shepherd and asan minajhaj? We definitely talked about this. We covered that.

That was my one question. And this came up last week, too. I really do wish you would have listened. I know you're a fan of the show, so I don't know what happened. That was on us for not mentioning it last week, but in this case, it would have made no difference because you didn't listen to it, A, and we did bring it up this week again.

We covered it, yeah. I feel dumb. I feel dumb. I feel dumb. Sorry, but the question of whether or not Dax Shepard is alive. I just really did not expect to be digging into this so much. But now I really we will make sure that it is in the that'll be really in the finished product. So every podcaster has their own personal Scott Ackerman AI like in her where you you download your personal scott ackerman and you can like talk they're your friend and your podcast advisor and you can also have

like a sexual relationship with them now that i'm sorry now that i'm paying attention you're answering a lot of my follow-up okay but they and they and they also have also like in her could end up having sexual relationships with other scott ackerman ais that they meet and it's okay if you feel jealous over that and how different are the pants though okay now this question the pants they did i just get i just i i have to under uh understand the details people go straight to the pants i said i so sean go ahead okay you remember in Jurassic Park the dinosaur that spits on Newman yeah yeah the lapidorus that's the definitely

not definitely not the lapidorus pretty sure that's the name I'm taking it from me Tony Parmesan it's close it's the delingobolius I think was the name of the one that does that's right it was the delingobolius anyway that's the the name of the one that does. That's right. It was the delincobolius. Anyway, that's the pants now.

So that's the pants. I'm pretty sure it's dilapidorus. The pant legs flare out like the dinosaur spit on Newman. Okay. And it comes down your leg onto the ground. Yep. So in this world, Sean and Hayes are talking to their individual Scott Aukerman AI, and they're like, what are we like? Is this an issue like people?

Society did not like our last episode. Everyone is assigned different podcasts to listen to that week on a random basis. It's totally democratic. And that pool listens to your podcast episode that week that week gives it a five star rating and with good enough ratings you get elevated into the itunes top 200 which confers special ability like body modifications and like uh special powers shauna hayes are not about that they don't need to get in the itunes top 200 it's never been about that for us man but you like you don't want to fall too far down the rankings to the point that you're like giving up some of your parts like that's where it kind of that's where the body modifications come from

this from the because then your body your body gets dehanced yes it gets dehanced and that's from the itunes bottom 200 which is something that has been developed in the next thousand years. And Scott Ackerman is like, it's okay. You guys just keep doing what you're doing. Keep plugging away. By the way, iTunes is back. Like, it's not Apple.

It's not Apple podcast anymore. It's iTunes again. And I think we can all bet this is not working. Yes. And so he's like, just keep doing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to write all this down.

I just missed that last. You definitely don't need to write any of it down you just you're not i can see you be paying attention you're not trying to write it down i can see both of your hands folded behind your head no this is i'm writing it down you're holding devil sticks yeah well one of them is a pen oh i see it's got a retractable click click pad in the end i guess in a way a pen oh i see it's got a retractable click click pen idiot i guess in a way a pen is the ultimate devil stick so he's like just keep doing what you're doing you guys will be fine but never my one piece of advice is never listen to your own podcast that'll drive you crazy it just like creates this like feedback where you get like too caught up in your own voice like for me you just got to move

on to the next week i don't listen to my own stuff and we just like you just keep going so they're okay great they go home to their shared wife it's movie night their wife picks the movie uh and then they're watching they're trying to watch a movie but they accidentally listen to last week's podcast okay so now these are definitely these are sticks I'm sorry I'm trying to get all this down Hayes keep going so that's clearly not writing on anything it's

just like the fact that one of them does have like a pen tip that comes out of it is is sort of irrelevant God I feel like I'm sorry I'm turning this into a full solo bolo let's back it off i got joey i got wangs here that would be look that would be great if this could reach solo bolo status that would be enormous that we don't have to do any of this we don't have to we can like we can let the whole narrative well it implies one this is this is tri-month

which implies three so okay it's tri-month so i apologize yeah yeah i don't want to fuck with that okay so they watch the movie with their shared wife but they accidentally listen to the whole podcast from last week that sean hayes did and they realize that ai sc Scott Aukerman has been implanting audio deep fakes in their episode of them saying things that are not funny, like talking over each other, not having good ideas. new show of like different you know just the phrasing of how you talk about different tv shows like just horror just like stuff no one would want to listen to yes and he's been putting it in the whole time they've never heard their own show because he's encouraged them not to but it's i think what happens is io their shared wife is trying to listen to smart lists and just says let me listen to the sean hayes podcast and it starts playing sean and hayes's voice and they hear the deep fakes wow yeah so that's really good we had never the mechanics of that i was just kind of hoping we would figure out how they accidentally they're going to watch

a movie but they accidentally listen to an entire podcast but that is actually really we let her pick the movie yeah that's really helpful she goes fuck a movie let me hear that sean hayes podcast they go to ai scott ackerman and they say and i like i i'm really sorry to the listeners that you've heard this whole thing already and that this has taken uh 15 minutes to it's funny because this is just the kind of thing that ai scott ackerman in the podcaster's promise would put into the show is just a repeat of all the information from the prior week. And he says, I have had to essentially pull you down so you didn't become your talents are so powerful that you would have essentially removed my status as one. Which, by the way, is we because we in the movie or in

the series are we're just hanging out being ourselves yes and so like for us to like not even know that we were doing that and we were so like naturally talented at this that's like a moment of discovery for for shauna hayes but he's like now it's time for me to destroy you all together and he uploads an audio deep fake of all kinds of like horrible stuff about the legendary podcasters like that pete holmes is does not actually think it's that funny all the time that that he's playing up the laugh a little bit in some of those moments yeah but it's us it's our voices saying that which we never would do but we just know like wow this is going to put us in the itunes bottom 200 instantlyary. Does he do any deep fakes that make you guys take sides in the Hassan beef?

Does it make you do a take where it's like you're pro-Dax? We hadn't done that yet. It feels like now, surprisingly, it does feel like it needs to be addressed. Yeah, and going in, this was not something I thought people cared or even necessarily knew about, and i barely know what this is i was completely unfamiliar i'm ashamed to say i had i did not have a fucking clue it's come up so many times and so we i that's on us and likely on me given how this process tends to work i will do the research i will figure out exactly what this is about and and and put it into the episode until then we have to keep moving

forward on this new installment which is given how this process yes i i and i again i do i really do not want to litigate this but that that is just how the podcast works out. I'm sorry for piling on questions, but can Kevin or whoever is in charge, can you just leave me and Joe off mute so we can talk if we want or interject and stuff? Like starting now? Yeah, you keep muting and unmuting me. It's making it very hard. But I would say the fact that you have just been talking constantly, no matter who else is speaking, I think Kevin has been doing an amazing job.

No, I know. He's doing a good job, but I'll keep quiet. He's made it feel like somewhat natural interjections. A few too many, but it's felt kind of normal. It feels weird how much I'm talking because I only really talk this much when I'm uncomfortable or confused as to what's going on.

So I don't know why I've slipped into this in such detail at this point. So I I'm sure you are comfortable now. We are moving on to the new segment, which is Sean and Hayes have to go on the run and the and Sean, you can talk about this.

There there are is a special procedure that needs to happen for them to be able to disguise their identities now that they're on the run from the PC police or pursuing them. So basically, the PC police have activated Sean and Hayes' trackers, which are these sort of shiny jewels that glow

that are located in your lower back, like so low on your back. Really low. In an area of your back which is debatable whether you should still be calling it your back because it's that low so those trackers are blinking haze and sean of course are wearing the clothing of the time which is pants that look like the dinosaur that spit on newman and a crop top so their lower back is always exposed even as low as it is um they now need to somehow escape the scanners and trackers that are looking for them so that the pc police cannot capture them and force them into the itunes

bottom 200 where they will be dehanced by having some of their body parts replaced with the clone body parts of survivor villain Russell Hance. So they are now in this situation where people know who they are. Their podcast is famous for the wrong reasons. Everyone has a podcast. They need to assume new identities. And so they are going to you guys who are like these shady underground kind of criminal element. And you're going to help them get fake IDs, which in this case is new podcasts to host so that they have a cover story. They'll change their appearance. They'll change their voice and they'll change the topics. No longer can they just kind of hang out and be themselves cool dudes who people like to spend time with. They're going to need to have a topic,

whether it's a podcast where they're reading and reacting to a Wikipedia page or anything that could be happening. I mean, it's probably that just given what the landscape currently is, but I do think there's also room for us to have a little bit of fun and do something creative with this so we're going to you we're like uh you know underground in the sewers where like gabrus lives and then he and then joe's his upstairs neighbor a thousand years from now i'm still in the sewers okay hey i saw that movie gleam in the cube saw that fucking cool sewer apartment and wanted it for myself it's not the same it's you it's just one big gelatinous like baby wipe diarrhea ball that's just right outside my front door i'm so afraid to fucking if i open the door and the

the corner of the door hits this thing and it pops i'm fucked i'm gonna be knee deep in baby wipes diarrhea sludge so i get it i get it but i like this so you're coming down right now which is your ankle deep which is yeah that is fine because i have the alternative much worse yeah and i'm the upstairs neighbor but i'm still in the subway or i'm above ground uh it's not the subway it's the sewers well because joe joe and i were texting about our characters okay uh and i now i know what they are because now i have context for what the ideas were joe's would text me but he was saying there should be a subway restaurant because it is like one of the biggest chains it's like you know one of the biggest international franchises

this is something i heard recently on a podcast and joe was like there should be a subway in the sewer but it's a subway restaurant so is that cool does that is that okay i'll tell you what we want like and just like how this process came about for like the two of you sean we're talking about like okay we need these doctor characters and basically we're like looking each other we're like the same time like well we should get the doctor from are you there We're looking at each other and we're like, the same time, we should get the doctor from, are you there, Chelsea? It's me, Chelsea. And we're like, oh my god, wait, we actually know him.

That's Joe. He was the doctor. And so, as far as you're concerned, we want that. And for Gabrus, we want Gino. I've played a doctor thousands of times. That's what there is. You don't want any of my doctor characters i keep we want we want and this is a big give on my part but we want tony parma john all right so we'll we'll go with that now and then we want yes the mob doctor from are you there chelsea it's me chelsea okay he His gag was he had a big nasty soul patch. And is that going to be too kind of gross for the show?

Because I know it's the future. Like, what is facial hair like in this future? Oh, yeah. Because if you take that away from that character of Doctor, then there isn't a whole lot left. Mm-hmm. doctor then there isn't a whole lot left what is it we talked so much about the pants i know we worked on the pants for like probably the majority of pre-production and i was really relieved that that question came up twice because i felt like really armed

to respond to that i don't really have an answer to the facial hair question what i think but just like what's coming to me now is maybe inverse facial hair where they you go to a facility and they put uh various um uh like different colors of tape around your face okay and then they give you a sunburn and then they remove the tape so what you have is essentially the opposite of facial hair which is like i used to do with like the playboy bunny sticker at the beach yes or i would put that on my stomach and get that's not that's not that's like the kappa sticker it's not the playboy one it's very common misconception it's like in police academy i think somebody writes something in suntan lotion on on the uh on the chief's back or something yeah so

on proctor or a lessard i think proctor yeah they. Yeah, they wouldn't be brave enough to do that to Lessard. They wouldn't pop Lessard's top. There's really not a lot of consequences for picking on Proctor. As much as he is an authority figure, he's also somewhat impotent in the world of Police Academy in terms of enforcing consequences against you. Lessard is more of a hard ass. So if you're going to prank him,

you're going to want to be sneaky about it, not something where he could directly catch you in the act because he could bust your ass probably right out of the academy. What we have time for and what we don't have time for is so confusing to me. But this is actually great. I'm so glad that this has come up

because we have sort of been alerted by we've hired of course a lot now that we're independent we hire a lot of outside podcast consultants rather like the producing that we were getting from within earwolf we now have to pay for that and they've been saying your audience is is getting younger you have like younger people like coming through and like getting like into the podcast world so instead of police academy as a reference you should be referencing let's be cops uh like something that like younger generations like have more access to so instead of proctor and these other characters it should be about ryan and justin the two main characters from let's be cops played by

jake johnson and uh it's the new girl spin-off junior it's the new girl where yeah they become cops and they never see that it could be about and sorry just to be inclusive it should be about nina debrev as well it should be yes absolutely should be about nina debrev's character josie Absolutely should be about Nina Debrev's character, Josie. And of course, their boss, Rob Riggle, as Seegers. Well, look, that was in the email was to watch Let's Be Cops. I watched it like six or seven times. So I think where I watched it. So I think we're ready to play the doctors in the sewer who give you guys fake.

Well, you're in the sewers. You're in the sewer. Wenger works in the subway that's above the sewer but still below the street it's like a lofted subway it's a lofted sewer subway god i see it be a better you in 2024 with babble the science-backed language learning app that actually works don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. And the question that I always get, people stop me and they say like, hey, I trust you. I know when you endorse a product, it's something that you really use and care about. But there's one language language i'm trying to learn and that's body language so can babble teach me

body language yes babble now has visual in-person lessons part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Babble is designed by real people for real conversations, and that includes body-based conversations. What does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date, and they turn around at the door, and they take their little index finger, and they kind of draw it towards them? They're pulling it. What does that mean? their whole finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying to pull down the spider down yeah but i've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have

needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i'm supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as i'm going that's what i've been doing dangerous yeah but some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners i'm sure babble's tips and tools are approachable accessible rooted in real life situations

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dot com slash the boys rules and restrictions may apply with Babbel we can't promise it'll always be easy but you'll always be glad you did it kind of like this podcast except it is easy for me eating better is easy with factors

delicious ready to eat meals every fresh never frozen meal is chef crafted dietitian approved ready to go in just two minutes speaking of ready to go in just two minutes chef kevin is here with his new show the chef kevin factor where he creates fresh never frozen meals now this is different kevin i just want to i just want to establish it's none of this like here's a like a pile of ingredients like this is the meal the meal has to be ready it's not a recipe okay this is the meal you cook the full meal for us now okay yeah you don't just send us a bunch of stuff you had laying around in your cabinet. You're actually doing the cooking.

And there are 35 different options to choose from every week, including Calorie Smart, Protein Plus, and Keto. Which is this? It's a little bit of all of them. Okay. Okay, it shouldn't be. There are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal the promises the meal makes us sleepy you've been pushing that so

much you're saying that you will be added on to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. They have smoothies and things like that. Reservation for two. Me walking in my bedroom. What's the second? It's you and your bed?

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Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood handbook. Okay, so we'll just go through the script. Interior, the stairs. Sean Hayes walked down the stairs underground. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. There's a subway there at their level,

and a door opens, and a doctor comes out. Do you want us doing like a little improv? You are. You have not entered yet. So you when the hatch opens in the floor, that's when you enter. So and if you want to come up with some chuff for that moment, that's fine. Sure. You want to be finishing talking to one of your like sewer friends

and this is what I was I thank you for I didn't complete this thought earlier we do want to get the lines but if you like do your own thing as well we will end up using that especially because we got almost nothing

from PFT and IO so we actually do need some extra stuff yep the door opens and the doctor comes out of the subway restaurant oh man every day I get more sad about

Shepard no longer being with us anybody need any help with anything today this area is really good i just want to make like one fundamental just to bring up what they which is the dax shepherd is alive he's still alive dax shepherd is still alive yes i thought we said that but i i want to apologize if we didn't um but it's the year it's year 3010 right It's the year 3010 Crooked Media is the president

So enter From the subway The doctor enters I am happy Today because Dax Shepard is so alive still Anybody need Any

New podcast ideas From me a doctor at the sandwich store below the ground yes can i open literally just might as well happen it might as well yeah yes the doctor and i love this energy and eagerness and i i want to take advantage of it while we can but i guess in my mind if i i should say like i thought it was advantage of it while we can but i guess in my mind i should say like i thought it was sort of it was kind of this sneaky underground thing where you had to like order a specific sandwich that he would be like we keep those ingredients in the back and then we go into this like sort of speakeasy type so i shouldn't be so up front about this i think because it is illegal and yeah that um it would probably be better even

though the sandwich shop is i get it probably not getting a ton of foot traffic that's the front that's the front and then the other stuff's going on in the back i got it that's a good note thank you i appreciate that that's a great note who's hungry for a sandwich? You want it Mike's way? Or do you want it another way where you can sort of customize the sandwich? I think I want the sandwich. Here's what I really like about it. Yeah. We want it Mike's way.

Podcast Mike. So that is the clue that you want to do. Right. A pie cast jewel. You want your jewel that's in your lower back scooped out, replaced with a new one. The hatch opens and the doctor comes out of the floor from the sewer.

Oh, hey, Mike. I could go for a sandwich. I got to go drop these Air Force Ones off at Hasan Minhaj's grave in tribute of him. Today's his birthday. Okay. Just a couple things. The doctor's name is not mike oh okay okay and you should make more sense you like obviously know each other well like you you you know what his name is and hasan minaj is also alive uh is this in the email was

this in the email and the cabinet in the email? Forget it. I'm sorry. Yeah, it was. Really small. So it was actually really small. I got to get a bigger monitor. That's all. It's on me.

He had to click on it. It's on me. I have that super small monitor that I thought was convenient because it doesn doesn't take up a lot of space but now it's a nightmare we also did a a table read at the dance club which i thought would have been valuable for you guys both to be there for it was i couldn't they wouldn't let me in the dance club because i had a backwards hat shorts and a long and a long uh yosemite sam t-shirt on yeah and they were like an airbrush yosemite Sam t-shirt on. Yeah, and they were like... Airbrushed Yosemite Sam t-shirt. And so the stupid fucking racist dress code rules wouldn't even let me in, a fucking white guy.

How fucked up is that? Yeah, that's my fault. The real collateral damage. Those were my rules. They were in that. I remember reading that part of the email. That was big. that was a big thought okay sorry sorry we got back into the scene yeah go ahead this is all good yeah yeah make your own

kind of music make your own kind of oh hey who are these guys hanging out here uh mike wait what was the uh that's fine that's fine his name's okay that's okay why can't it be mike it just be easier right really confusing that he says first of all it's a subway and he's already saying whether you want to say which mike's way which is a completely different restaurant we've established that it's not spelled like the name mike it's spelled like podcast bike and so for his name to also be Mike, it just like could not be more confusing. And the fact that your name,

you have two names in your name. You have Tony and John. Right, right. Oh, right. I'm Tony Parma John. Yeah. Yes. And so.

Sorry. May I. So can I just have Joe's name then so that I could really kick the scene off? Well, I mean, on Chelsea, I was just doctor. But I did my backstory before we filmed. And my name was Hayes Sean for that. So is that okay?

Is that going to be confusing? Because I get that you guys, that's your thing. That's the dude from Will and Grace, right? Yeah. The black guy? From Will and Grace? Is there not a black guy on will and grace still jesus get it together will and grace so i you know maybe we just like what about the year 3010 is the will is will and grace could because could we use the will and grace riffs it It's like, is it still going in 3010? Is there another round of it?

Will and Grace. I don't know where it is in the cycle. Obviously, Will and Grace comes back every 15 or 20 years. It's like cicadas. 12, 14 episodes. Yeah. And then recedes into the ground again. So I guess in 3010 if i just like

they come out every every 15 years or so eat all the crops you would be and it's okay so yeah they're finishing yeah so they're in the back half they're in the back half of their second season of their second season um of the new incarnation uh dax is on it alive oh i like that that's fun dax is playing the sean hayes character in a way that is it's not great uh meganaly, unfortunately, has left us. It is 30-10. Nick Offerman has replaced her in that role in tribute to his wife.

So it's Karen, but it's not Karen how you think of Karen. Karen is a little more soft-spoken, and she can make a canoe with her hands. I like that. And we'll just get into our stuff hi yeah we've heard uh we we need the procedure done uh we need to change our identities we need completely new podcasts so we need our podcast jewels scooped out and replaced with new ones what do you guys have uh to to offer in terms of of of new podcasts well what do you what what kind of cover are you guys looking for are you looking

for like the aging actor just cashing in on more than residuals with like revisiting a show you were on a few years ago are you looking for like i can't believe i'm leaving money on the table as a comedian i might as well just have one that other people do entirely for me and i sit down and just read dear abby letters or whatever like is are you looking for something like that are you looking for are you looking for just complete improv where it's like we need to figure out a way to monetize this skill that i spent 15 years practicing and honing? Is there something like, we need some podcast ideas, me and Mike, me and Dr. Hayes, Sean. Give us some little direction here. Because we got all kinds of shit.

I don't think we can say that we're aging actors cashing in on a TV show we were on because people are going to sniff that out that we're not. I would love to look. I would love nothing more than two recap scrubs. It would be an honor and a privilege. That's not available to me. And so I think we're looking to fly under the radar. The podcast that you're talking about, of course,

are the most popular podcasts in the world. Yeah. So there are a few other, there are other few other big popular cliches. If you guys want to hit, if you guys are willing to go a little more right wing cliches, formats, formats,

sorry. Yeah. If you're willing to go a little more right wing, that leads to sorry yeah if you're willing to go a little more right wing that leads to money obviously you make a lot of money but then you know you get like a monthly seth simons article about you what i like if if there is sort of a middle ground here i would like to be a really really famous actor who just want it is working but just wants like a little more affirmation what i'm getting is like not quite enough and i want it on a weekly basis instead of on like a monthly like whenever my other stuff is coming out and i want it to be uh not funny per

se but mostly informative and me talking about stuff that's like sufficiently out of my depth that i'm often wandering into really really very medically dangerous territory do you feel comfortable um sort of putting a lot of uh forethought and work into it or do you just want to have more of like a freewheeling conversation i would like to put the amount of work where i'm yelling at someone uh like about the show uh as many times as i'm doing the show sorry is there any way for me to capitalize on someone's trauma oh yeah your your own or someone else's because there's a lot of a little bit of mine but just really as an entry point for a lot of other people's well there's a ton of rapists and murderers who are actually kind of handsome guys that we could like really go into about

and stuff like like people who are like you know kill women and fuck children that we could talk about for 90 minutes two hours in a clip you know in a funny way i think that's kind of exciting we could do something like that i i don't know like exactly you want to do something that's medically dangerous uh haze you want so i want yeah when where i'm like accidentally getting people to to do something like bad to their bodies or like to to not take a certain medicine that they need just by like an offhand offhand comment that i have spent no time thinking about ahead of time to answer your question uh dr mike but also uh have the the utmost conviction about as i'm saying it yeah yeah because if you're a very popular actor what you can do is harness a hobby you have that you think is interesting and makes you great interesting but

it is like a lot of people cook or a lot of people exercise yeah but now i'm doing it yeah but now you're doing but you're saying you want to go even further and maybe like push the boundaries of what you should even be talking about sort of having you know weird biological thought leaders on and stuff and sort of i like uh stuff like um i like a cooking show is like a starting point but that like that's how you find out that like i read one somewhere that like all vegetables are like technically nightshades which are like a which actually accumulate in your body as poison uh and so like stuff like that and then i recommend something that people should eat instead which actually turns out to be the thing that is

actually poisonous uh so like that it's like that area celebrity cooking show that is accidentally killing people uh like that's that's i will if you've got that that would be amazing this is actually giving me an idea to have like start off with some pretty unassailable like almost common sense good advice for people and then let that gateway into some pretty dangerous uh philosophies and and ideas under the guise of like being efficient or self-actualized in some way but um actually uh but you're talking more criminals and a phobia yeah yeah yeah we we could do something we could do something tight like that you can have on like snipers who've been disgraced for but it's got to be funny john oh okay we're going for funny funny sorry tony tony thank you mr mr john mr parma john

we're not going for funny but it just it's going to be funny as a byproduct of like hey we're you know we're having these conversations we're three of the funniest dudes to ever grace the tv screens we deserve a podcast we We could just riff. We could do it. Like, you want that level of, like, you sort of loved us in the thousands of opportunities we've gotten on television. I think you might like us just bullshitting because we're real people. We could go that angle.

I know there's just so much territory. There's so much territory. And if you're willing to, like, I know it's Hayes and you're and if you're willing to like i know it's haze and sean but if you're willing to you know change your uh one of your ethnicities or genders or something you can really you know open up a whole new kind of slew of giving deeper weirder advice that you're not like you should not be giving out either you know okay and also this feels like a text this to kevin but uh should i unmute you don't need to text me delete this part you're texting me to delete this part i think this is supposed to be for kevin am i on mute because i'm i don't know

yeah let me know if i should unmute you so we've actually uh and then again this is not the fault of anyone here this is on pft and io and i really appreciate how much farther we got in this episode we got uh just about halfway through the through the work that we needed to do it does it is going to create additional work for the people that are coming in next week to continue the podcasters promise. But this was helpful. The facial hair stuff was huge. Cool.

That's so good. Yeah. I still can't picture what Hayes is saying, but I love it. To me, it's pretty easy to picture. I guess I don't know how it's the opposite of facial hair. That's what I'll say. I can picture what you're saying, which is like a sunburn in some spots, but I don't know what makes that the opposite of facial hair. The opposite of facial hair is like a patch of...

It's indifference. Sunburn. The opposite of facial hair. People would say like, oh, the opposite of facial hair would be like a full beard and then a soul patch shaved out of it. That's the opposite of a soul patch. No, that's wrong because that's still facial hair would be like a full beard and then a soul patch shaved out of it. That's the opposite of a soul patch. No, that's wrong because that's still facial hair. The opposite of facial hair is selectively sunburned.

I think it would be ingrown hairs. Oh, I feel like we're winding down here. I just want to say Tony Parma John has a perfect ring of hair around his lips. He has like a mustache that goes above and below. So it looks like a second set of lips, like a furry, furry, like second set of lips.

That's what Tony Parma John has. I believe he also dies that hair lip colored. Yeah. He dies that hair lip color and dyes his lips black. So it's very confusing. I just want to get that in because I feel like we're winding down here wrapping up so we are yeah yeah uh we are out of time uh i don't know i'm down to hang and i and i do want to say hayes you really yelled over me but i think the reddit is gonna be mad if we don't double back to talk about how the opposite of facial hair is indifference yeah i i did hear you okay but

you didn't act like it i i feel like this whole project is kind of and that's you know it's not about you it's not what about you what you were saying this is like my stuff i feel like this whole project is kind of and that's you know it's not about you it's not what about you what you were saying this is like my stuff i feel like this project is getting away from me uh we we do have a lot invested in it i guess it would be good to use this time now to sort of lay the groundwork for next week and say that we will be sharing in advance not just the material at a normal size but also what happens so the guests know going at it we don't have to every episode and you don't have to write this down gabrus i see you're getting the devil sticks out but like this is actually not for you and i really appreciate that enthusiasm but you don't have to write this down uh talking to the and so like if every episode we are explaining what has happened in the podcast or promise up to this point that like and what's going to happen and what they need to say and

we're just fielding a lot of surprising questions it's going to be harder to get any recorded content that can be edited into an actual like piece like a produced piece wait have i been on mute this whole time i was just listing races that people that you could get that you could change yourself to so that we have that audio if you i think we could all tell that that was coming you you introduce it with kind of a whirl. And then you. Musically list races. And that you're exactly right. We have it just on your end. If you.

We've got your audio clean. That would be amazing. If you could just like. I have it from last week. I have it from last week. We didn't want to break up the rhythm of what seemed to be a. Pretty difficult song to have memorized.

It's hard. It's my we didn't start the fight. It's very hard. I need a prompter. A proctor. A Lassard. A Justin. We want to say Justin. A Ryan. A Josie. Ryan. Sorry.

Josie. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. This week on the Patreon, Carl and Ahsan discuss sports betting, Sean and Hayes watch the Doughboys Good Morning America interview, and the Flager Ones are mostly talking all things basketball.

Check out the podcast and videos at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones that was a hate gun podcast