Hollywood Handbook - The Podcaster’s Promise Sessions: Volume IV (with Lauren Lapkus and Mary Holland)

Episode Date: March 23, 2021

The Boys welcome back LAUREN LAPKUS and MARY HOLLAND for the fourth installation of The Podcaster's Promise. Check out the podcasts 5 days a week at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Okay, so obviously I know you two are going to be disappointed. A big thing that people love about doing this show is that they get to sit and listen to Hayes and I tell a really long story at the beginning. I think you two in particular have always really liked being an audience for that. Clapping and like. Oh, of course. Just laughing and loving it. Yeah.

Traditionally, yeah, that is a great part of the show. We don't have time to do that anymore. And during Tri-Month, the third month of the year, which is March, where we have a triumvirate of podcast presences, the boys and two guests, Mary Holland, Lauren Lapkus. We have been trying to and are very far behind in recording a new series that's a really exciting project. Also,

a lot of our time has ended up being dedicated to just catching people up on the idea and where we are in the story. Do we need to do that? Can I just say like hi it's so great to see you oh my god it rocks

to see it rocks I'm sorry my energy sucks it rocks to see you guys I know it is great I would love to catch up I'm at like an honestly devastating time in my life because of how behind we are

on this project I had really a lot of ambition for it which normally I'm like I'm an INFP so when you get these big dreams and you're like, no, no, no.

Like you're being stupid. Right, that's the FP. That's the FP. Right? I think I'm an ENFJ. Yeah, and I'm an INFJ. I'm a JKLM. I'm in PAIN right now because of what's happening from these past few episodes.

I'll tell you that. That's what I am. i am yeah well i mean mary and i have been listening and we talk about it every week every we have a standing appointment where we have coffee and we just sort of oh my god so you know so you know what you this is awesome like you guys know what you talk about it yeah because of course well i always wanted to say my favorite part and then she's always trying to say her favorite part yeah you talk over each other you're so excited you've been yeah listening to wow

so you heard that's really nice it's so fucking good I've been so sad about it it's so good you've been sad why have you been sad I've been devastated why no one's so good no one comes on the show no one listens to the previous episode no one knows what it's about i have to spend the entire time

recapping it i'm listening to myself recap it i'm like i don't know about i like i don't yeah good i'm getting less confident in it and last episode we even had these guys, Jeremy and Rajat, who aren't even anything and are just, like, supposed to be basically our fans. And they hadn't heard it. They didn't know anything about it. Wow. Everyone asked the same questions, which is as soon as I say that Dax Shepard is alive, in the year 2010 where it takes place,

as you know all this, as you listen to it. Of course, yeah. Everyone talks about how he got in this fight with Hasan Minhaj, which I wasn't even really following. takes place with like as you know all this as you listen to it of course yeah uh everyone talks about like how he got in this fight with like hasan minaj which i wasn't even really following and i guess he like hasan minaj called him ugly or something oh yeah i did see that yeah yeah we have to spend the half the episode just like catching people up on where the beef between hasan minaj and dax shepherd is in the year 3010 which is like not supposed to be a really big part of the story no and i mean

it's crazy though because you're saying like you feel like you've been feeling bad that people aren't listening but when we listen we love hearing you recap it not that we're going to make you do that today because we know it so well because we know everything and you don't have to say anything but like it's so funny now i kind of want to oh god no making me no should i just do like a couple parts why don't we recap it yeah how about we recap i mean if you think you actually yeah yeah i think oh my god it'd be so easy yeah okay fade in fade in well i mean one thing i would say that was one thing that doesn't happen i just want to say because it is a podcast and that's really hard no i know i really struggled to do that

i was just saying that do that i was just saying that like like i was just like we're gonna start the recap now i just really okay i love that it's grounded sci-fi based in reality like that makes me feel thank you and it's hard for saying that oh my god and it's really hard sci-fi no one else got that right no that that's the we love that was such a hook. This has been blowing over people's heads. It's going way over their hairspray. It's the year 3010.

Yeah. That's how I say it too. It's obviously like everybody's given a podcast at birth. What else do you want to know? I say it 31-0. Interesting. Wow, that's cool. That's really neat that the listeners can bring their own power to that.

You could say 3,000-1-0. We love empowering the listener. Yeah. I think that's really good. Well, that's honestly as a listener, because I do consider myself a listener first and foremost. I feel really empowered. I consider myself a woman and then a listener. I'm a daughter.

I'm a listener. And I'm a friend. I'm a listener. And I'm a friend. I'm a sister. I'm a woman. After that, I am a dog owner. I'm an ex-girl. Oh, yeah. Former girl.

I'm a gamer. I should start over. I usually put. OK, so I'm a podcaster. I'm a daughter. I'm a podcaster I'm a daughter I'm a listener I'm a friend I'm the definition of a boss I'm total

boss moves all wrapped up in a tight little package oh god god I don't know i don't know what this title is called but i'm like on the list of people who are allowed to fax jokes into weekend update wow that's really that's elite i'm a yes and i am. I am a rejected joke. So I love that we have all this time to really get recorded. I love having so much time.

Yes, great. For the next installment and to be able to really get your parts done and to share some ideas for where this story could go. Oh, right. Because we're a little lost. Yeah. for like where this story could go but right i'm also a little lost yeah because the guests have been so difficult to record with um we haven't gotten a lot of the pieces of the story that we need and we have gotten pieces of the story that we don't need but have to use right it's knocked us slightly off course and and we would be pretty grateful

to have any kind of input or help. Well, I guess my first question is, do you still want us to keep recapping? Because I feel like we didn't really get through what it really... No, we got so lost in how you define yourselves. Yeah. So I feel like it's kind of important

just to say a little more about that. So obviously we know that in this world people like anna ferris and mike mitchell these are like legends and they're taught about in history class just like mlk or somebody like that right and people will like people will like guess oh i can say it sorry i'm crying no i know it's really moving people will guest on each other's show and that's like the form of like currency that's like a dollar currency that's like a dollar one dollar yes four quarters that's right yes and sean and he is obviously do it just for fun because they're not really yes yes that's the whole thing is like we're not like obsessed with

like getting into freaking itunes top 200 like we're like actually just doing it joy of the craft yeah if people like it great awesome yeah that rocks like oh that's nice they like it that's so cool well and i really loved the conversation you had with your podcasting mentor obviously all of our podcasting mentor scott ackerman yes yes everyone has their individual scott ackerman ai like in her who they uh can they can have sex with they can have sex with they can have sex with yeah it works like that now right that's the grounded that option's available yeah that's part of what makes it such hard sci-fi that's where you pull from real life and you incorporate that in your art i call scott her

and i have sex and that's your choice you know and everyone has that option anyway so i liked how like scott told you to keep your chin up because you guys were feeling discouraged. Yeah, yeah. But he did say never listen to your own show. Never listen to your own show. And that's so crazy. That's what he says. And you guys have a shared wife. We have our shared wife, yes.

That's really normal in the future. And honestly, now. Yeah. Obviously, one of you guys accidentally listened to an episode. Yeah. Well, and then obviously one of you guys accidentally listened to an episode. Yeah, we did. Yeah. And you, as you know,

we figured out how that happened, which was that our shared wife, Io was, it was movie night. We were letting her pick the movie. Right. Because we're like nice husbands. The husbands. And movies are podcasts in the future.

And movies are podcasts. And she decided that the movie she wanted to watch was that she actually wanted to listen to Smartless, the podcast hosted by Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes. But she just called it the Sean Hayes podcast. And that accidentally made our own podcast start playing because we are Sean and Hayes. Oh, right.

Wow. And we heard our own show. So we sat and listened to the whole podcast. And that's how we heard the audio deepfakes. Oh, right. Wow. And we heard our own show. So we sat and listened to the whole podcast and that's how we heard the audio deepfakes. That's right. I was just going to say the audio was so nuts. So Scott Aukerman was laying in these audio deepfakes

to make you guys say unfunny things on your show, which you would never do. No, it wouldn't happen because we have so much respect for our sort of podcasting forefathers and four sisters and

the people before us. And four bosses. They had you saying mean stuff about legendary podcasters, which I thought was totally disrespectful. And now the PC police are after you, so of course. I mean, PC stands for perfect capoeira yeah they're gonna kill you yeah yeah the c and pc stands for capoeira obviously they did use that

to yeah they did it yeah to beat up jeremy and rajat who are worms um uh and then just like you're on the run yeah yeah we have been yeah I mean, and then I know that you guys got your jewel scooped out. We got our jewel scooped out. The jewel in our lower back was scooped, de-scooped. And I'm really worried about my future jewels being scooped out, honestly. Like, I feel like I can't imagine that world. That's so scary. It's so scary.

You're alive, too. You're alive, too, in this. Okay, good. Oh, great. Because I'm really glad to hear that. Sorry, not both of so like am i oh and so you guys have to start over as beginner podcast i'm sorry so i'm not alive sorry well just like there's got to be some stakes.

Right? We've lost you along the way. It can't just be that everyone is alive. If everyone's alive, like, what are we talking about? Am I... Okay. You're the only one who's dead.

In this whole world? Everyone we know? Wait, everyone else is alive but me? Am I a ghost? Am I a fun ghost i don't know what's fun like i mean like where i i come in and i say like wisecracks and i like i like appear every now and then and i give advice we're in a lot of pain mary yeah do you understand that like right now at this moment you are creating a permanent legacy right now see see that see that thing in front of you that's forever

that's the microphone we're all fun ghosts because as podcasters our words live on beyond our physical selves the rest of us get to be alive and do stuff and run around and do sports and stuff. You get to do sports? Yeah, there's some future sports that are pretty awesome and fun. That doesn't mean you are not alive. It's like Quidditch. They do Quidditch for real in the future. It's called sports ball in the future.

Everyone plays sports ball everyone mary i i hear you i guess i'm just i'm just confused like why why i have to be the only one who's not alive but i mean you know as such a fan of this show i i really that's like really crushing information just to explain sports ball which i because i didn't ask yeah i but i you seemed a little lost so um what we realized in the future is that like all the people who kind of have this ironic detachment where they make fun of sports ball are actually really funny and right and so we did combine all the popular sports so that it's like when someone goes like oh did they put the touchdown through the

basket? Go sports ball. That's actually accurate. That is what you're supposed to say in the future. They did put the touchdown. And you're supposed to say it really sarcastically like that. Well, that's just how audiences have started to cheer. Again, it's adopting something that seemed mean before where the way people would talk about our podcast was often with a lot of derision and now that's a compliment well am i wrong i because i i did like i've been compiling and i'm mary we haven't talked about this but i've been compiling a bible of like oh just stuff related to this show and stuff that i found on reddit and sort of deep threads about this series and from my understanding mary guessed it on a show and the pc police came after her so like is that what happened or did someone is that just a

conspiracy theory and she was killed she got capoeira to death by the police that's how they do it now in the future and i had no idea. I'm such a fan of this. I had no idea that's how I died. I got capoeira to death. Well, the problem was that you were a fan of the show and you started repeating some of our deep fakes. So you were going like, oh, I guess. And we would say pretty,

pretty disgustingly controversial things. I mean, the example we've been using is that at times, maybe without even realizing it, Pete Holmes is exaggerating his laugh and that he doesn't actually find his guests as funny as he seems to, which is something we would never say. But Scott Aukerman and I has laid that in. He's not faking his laugh, but he's maybe he's working it up a little bit. And so you went on your podcast said, wow, I never even realized this, but I guess this is what's going on and reported it to your

listeners. And the PC police found you immediately and cap-aware-ed your head off. My head off? I thought they just cap-aware-ed me to death. They cap-aware-ed my head off? It's one and the same. A clean break. Oh my god.

I mean I was never going to tell you. Why Lauren? We have coffee every week. Why would you not tell me that? I know but I didn't want to tell you because I really loved how we connected over this show and I just felt like if you felt like you

were left out of it you would start to turn on it and then I wouldn't really have anyone to talk to about except for like Redditors who honestly I don't feel very safe with. So I wasn't going to just start only conversing with Redditors about the show. I need someone in my real life who is a fan. Can I just say, they're actually really

nice. Redditors? Yeah, every single one. Okay. It's just a coincidence that it rhymes with Predator. one okay yeah it's just a coincidence that it rhymes with predator but mary this is this happens like 2980 it's so far from now and you and like and you do like a lot of so i die 30 wait a minute you do so much if i'm thinking of the timeline but if i die in 2980 and the deep fake doesn't happen until 3010 then how in timeline wise i'm just confused about how like i just and you know what and this is just like a note about like the chronology of your lore of like it needs to it has to track you know what i mean like it

doesn't make sense that it's not really time for notes like we haven't even gotten this shit well you said to please give input yeah but not like that mary mary does know a lot about like laura and stuff and so it's if if you were open to receiving notes like i feel like you should hear what she has to say right yeah laura the podcast okay well we would know about it too that would be taught in schools in this version okay so you already so you don't want to hear about it now because in the future you already know we already know that's interesting mary do you not like do you not have any other questions like about you just have these like weird notes and stuff you have no other questions like about your life oh no i'm good wow that's all you that's it well i guess like am i fancy do i have a lot of money we talk about style in 3010 yeah i feel like you guys haven't really talked about what pants beyond the pants i need to hear more about like what the options are regarding especially footwear

and especially when a body's been dehanced like how does that affect what they wear that's a really good question yeah footwear is an interesting conversation because of course as we talked about the pants are like the the dinosaur that shoot newman dinosaur that shoot newman so that we agree on and it shoot down the leg and it and it get your and it the the juice like from the dinosaur yeah dinosaur proverbially i know it gets in your shoes i know and so what does that shoe we have to think about that so no you don't know because i'd love to weigh in we have some ideas yeah okay well i've up a couple of things I wanted to show you guys because I was hoping that this would come up.

Lauren, you haven't told me about any of this. I didn't really... Look, I just felt like I had a really... You're sketching things? I had a really clear idea, but I felt like if I showed you, you might give notes like you tend to do. I'm just saying,

is it consistent with the lore? And I've been noticing that. I have three words as just a starting point for a shoe and I hope it matches up with your drawing but these three words are stiletto duck boot okay that's so amazing because it's actually stiletto clown shoe okay interesting good it can we put a little bit of a waterproof barrier over the toe in the duck boot style just because there is so much goop coming out of the pants absolutely

but i would argue that a clown shoe already has a waterproof barrier because they're always spraying water and whipped cream and stuff like that and it's gonna it's bound to get on their feet and you don't think a clown goes home and has soppy toes my god i've never wow and this is my privilege and my ignorance now being exposed. Yeah. I was ingesting the entertainment of the clowns who are so fucking funny. Oh my God, I know. And I was cracking up laughing. And I didn't take one second to think about when they get home and take those big shoes off.

I'm sorry. Mary hired a clown to entertain her every Saturday during the pandemic. Mm-hmm. And I have to say, never soppy toes. So, like, when, Lauren, you brought up soppy toes, I was like, I've never seen my clown with soppy toes. He's coming to your home? He comes to my bedroom. Inside, maskless.

Mm-hmm. Maskless. Well, I mean, I guess it depends on how the mask you can't see the makeup yeah well yeah exactly he still has i mean he has the mask of like he's a clown the makeup's pretty thick yeah it's really thick and he wakes you up and he and he's yeah he's being funny yeah basically he puts his face right on mine and he makes funny noises yeah he kisses me okay that's kissing and it's really funny okay and i just laugh and i laugh and i laugh and and i and he look i'll tell you this you know what's funnier than kisses sex sex oh my god sex is so funny. So funny.

It's so funny. It's hilarious. I just crack up. I've gotten some good laughs with it. But we can't get sidetracked on Mary's clown. Because as excited as I was that you had listened and that we weren't going to have to do such a long recap, I feel like now we're halfway through the episode and we've done maybe even less work than we've done on these other disastrous episodes because we're dealing with Mary's notes.

We're dealing with the clown stuff. We're defining ourselves, which is important. Yes, We're defining ourselves, which is important. Yes. It's productive. Yes. It's crucial in today's society. Yes. But it's maybe not the best use of our recording time on the podcast.

Okay. Even before we record lines, I wanted from the two of you, what we're doing is basically a movie right it's like like this is like this is kind of at the scale the like imagination scale of a movie you two have it's big movie energy oh yeah can i say act one act two act three exactly yeah yeah and you two i mean like you're doing this you're doing movies Lauren is making friends with that dinosaur that we talked about you two are big movie energy and Mary's like that

family the family like remember this I'm the family yeah you remember that family with the Christmas family yeah and people are like you have to see this family some of them are weird i think yes you some of them are mean you may recognize yourself in this family yes some of them are weird some of them are weird right the whole christmas family

yeah and so talk like i guess i want to talk like something is wrong about like how we've prepped for this i guess i just want to know like how a day begins on one of these movies so like we can i guess get off to a better start than we have it so like are you catching everyone up on the rest of the movie every day yeah yes yeah do they do this like we do and say, here's what happened in the whole movie? Yeah. So usually though, what they'll do is they'll kind of, so every day on a set, like one of the actors gets assigned to recap the movie for everyone and they're supposed to like do voices. One of the actors does it?

Yeah. Okay. I guess they can like do all the voices. That's it. Yeah. They want them to do voices and like maybe put on hats and stuff. So like just to make it really clear who's who so i hate that i'm doing this when i was the one who wanted to move this along what hats okay so for example like and when i was in jurassic world

um yes i was only there for a few days but one of my days that i was there i was assigned to recap the film up until that point. Hang on, hang on. You dropped this, Queen. When I was in Jurassic World and it's so casual. Hold on. Okay, so, no, I'm totally... Queen, you dropped this. Thank you so much. Thank you for my crown.

But funny enough, a crown is one of the hats that I wore when I was recapping the film because I'm kind of... That's my Bryce Dallas Howard hat. So the actor is allowed of the hats that I wore when I was recapping the film because I'm kind of, that's my Bryce Dallas Howard hat. So the actor is allowed to choose hats that represent the other actors and characters.

Is it like a gold crown or is it like a jughead like kind of crown hat from Archie? It was really, really tiny but it was like jughead. So it's just like... And your character in that movie, of course, wore a flat brim uh ruka hat the rvca yeah yeah and i had a surfboard behind me for every scene just because it kind of gives

backstory sure but um show don't tell exactly that you surfed to work i will of course i surfed to work i don't feel like i have to explain that but i was able to kind of so i was a little nervous because i had to stand up in front of everyone i hadn't really met anyone yet and i had to recap the movie and i wasn't even sure if i fully understood since i obviously hadn't been there for any of the stuff they'd shot right and so i did my best and but they wound up retconning some of the ideas in that movie to match what you told people on set that day. They had to because a lot of the background was crying and stuff

in the scene that we were doing because of what I said. That was really scary. Yeah, nothing really scary had happened yet. Did we make the raptors be a weapon in the army? Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Everyone was crying when they said that.

Yeah. The movie. So all the background actors were crying and so they had to make it make sense. So I felt kind of guilty because they lost like a couple million doing that, but that's show business, right, Mary? Made it better. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they found it again.

Yeah. Mary, talk? Made it better. Oh, yeah. Always. Yeah, they found it again. Yeah. Mary, talk about the weird family. Yeah, what happened on the weird family? Well, basically, okay, so it was a Christmas family, as you know. Some of them were. I remember when I had to do the recap, I had, my hat was, I had a beret. Emily in Paris. Yeah, exactly. had my hat was um i had a beret emily and paris yeah exactly and i basically i actually got in trouble that day on set because i did not properly recap the movie you got a lot of stuff wrong yeah yep i got a lot of stuff wrong and it's crazy because you wrote it. I know. Wow. Yeah. Which was confusing. That's hurtful.

Yeah. And Cleo was really upset and confused. And I got in trouble. And I basically, you know, I got accused of trying to force some of the plot of Emily and Peri on the happiest family. But we were addicted to it at that time. I know. It became such a part of the fabric of our lives that's what i said to cleo and everybody else i was like listen i know i know and you have

to be relevant is what my favorite part of emily and perry is how there's like a really skilled woman who speaks french who is like high powered and she gets this job and then she gets pregnant. So she decides to not do it at all and give it to somebody who has no skills. I love that. That's the best part. I, that part was good. Yes.

But I loved seeing the France. I love the croissants and the oh oh my god the pastries yes and the shoes and the bag walk yes the bags i don't want to see a pregnant lady brought so many purses and so many necklaces. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Emily, like when I got the script, I like, like a lot of people don't see this,

but when they introduce Emily and they just say like, we meet Emily 24, no skills in parentheses. I was like, wow, this is really like setting an interesting,

like maybe, and she acquires like one or two over the course of the book. You'd never see that. But not even social skills. No skills. No skills at all. No. It's so interesting.

I love that arc. Yeah. I love that for her. It gave us somewhere to go. Which is my main note, actually, for your... Oh, no. Okay, well, at least this is the main your. Oh, no. Okay. Well, at least this is for your one.

Well, it's okay. Finally, we hit the main one. It's one of 20 main ones. Oh, wow. But this is one of them. It's like, what's the arc? You know? But this is why I had to pull back.

And I think you just have to ask yourself that. This is why I had to pull back. Huh? This is why I had to pull. Huh? What I'm trying to say is this is why I had to pull back from the coffees because it felt like you were getting too critical of the boys and i felt like not only am i like i'm not saying i'm i'm not saying everything they do is right i'm fucking dead in the future but you didn't even know that until now it's true when it comes to and you're obsessed with

like timeline stuff and like who knew knew what and what year or whatever. And it's true. When the coffees were happening, you didn't know that because you just found out right now. You don't even know what happens in our coffees, Hayes. Well, I know that you didn't know that because I just said it right now.

Mary, if it makes you feel better, it happens off screen and no one talks about it. What? So it feels like you're picturing this really sad part of the movie or something. It's like, I'm not going to be upset. It's a podcast. Nobody talks about it. Say everything that happens in the entire world.

If nobody talks about it, then it's not even true. Then it's not true. If a tree falls in a podcast, you don't hear it. It's not real. But all the characters know. Yeah. Yeah. And you can kind of hear and you don't hear it, it's not real. But all the characters know. Yeah. You can kind of hear off screen your head sailing off

into the distance. You can hear my head? There's like a ka-thunk sound. I'm screaming? I'm decapitated, but I'm screaming? In the future, that's possible, right? Yeah. The science has advanced. You don't live any longer. You can make noise.

Your jewel? Yes, my jewel in my body. It falls out and it kind of slips down your pant leg. It's really embarrassing. It was loose? It gets in your clown shoe. I had a loose jewel.

If in 2021, you died while pooping, It gets in your clown shoe. I had a loose jewel. If in 2021 you died while pooping, that's the same. In that time, that's what that is. The jewels really stink. Because they're really close to your butt. Mine specifically or everybody's? Everybody's.

It's collecting your butt. That's what's kind of sick. Everyone, yeah. It's collecting, yeah, your butt. Well, that's what's kind of sick. And I actually wanted to ask about that. Just with the people who steal the jewels, do they ever acknowledge the worms? I mean, do they ever acknowledge the stench or do they kind of like it? They like it.

The worms like it. They're so pathetic. What about the secret doctors? Do they like it or are they just scientists? They're so grimy. It's not about like or dislike for them. They're high on these weird future drugs. They're not even experiencing reality

in the same way you or I think of it. They're totally neutral on everything that's happening around them. They're soulless. It's happening around them they're like soulless gabrus and wanger so in my in my storyline how long do i mourn mary um just well you know the word mourn the word mourn is right in there so it's like one morning morning right okay because i do one morning you have a really sad morning and you slept in that day too so it's to get to yeah lauren i'm just it's a character like i just i'm just saying like for the story but you're totally fine with it you're totally fine with i don't i don't have a whole morning yeah i don't have a problem with it because time is different in 3010. Like a morning is pretty long.

Yeah. How long is a morning? It's like, how long is it now? Now it's like, I guess 12 hours. Okay. So it's not really though. Cause that's like when the news says that something happened at one in the morning. It's like, not really.

It's one at night. It happened 1am the morning. It's like, not really. That's night. It's 1 at night. It happened 1 a.m. at night. It's so dark. So when does morning start? What? 6. 6. Okay, fine. So 6 hours. Now it's 6 hours. So what is it in 3,010? Okay, but 11 is early

afternoon. Yeah, once you get to 11 even, that's lunch. Because you could have lunch at 11 oh yeah yeah so 6 to 10 but but who's even up at 6 so i would say 7 to 10 is morning yeah and so as far as this is concerned like lauren you're you're you stopped grieving when uh mary's head has just kind of stopped rolling. And then whose podcast am I doing right when that's done? Just to know what kind of energy I'm going into.

That's a great question. Feels like, well, what do people go on? People go on. Who? I was saying Jake and Amir would maybe be a good. People go on Jake and Amir to grieve. That'll pick your spirits up. Yeah. I think that's good because it's like, I'm a good... People go on Jake and Amir to grieve. That'll pick your spirits up. Yeah. I think that's good because it's like,

I'm too sad. They go on if I were you. And they're just so silly that they're going to bring me right up. They're out of control still. I just want to ask, how long is my head rolling? So my head sails through the air,

and then where does it roll to and for how long? Well... I just want to know from my story. It lands at the top of a water slide. And then it goes down? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, so it's rolling for a little while. I mean, it shoots down the slide,

and then it sort of gets stuck in the filter, and it's spinning. The attendant at the top has to say, go. Yeah, because I don't want to drown a kid. I don't want to land on a kid with my head. Does the head go wee when it goes down the slide it's a little wee it's a sad wee

the same technology that they use to let people scream after their heads have been kicked off they allow it to say wee when it's like doing some kind of fun ride if it goes down a ride and I sort of think that same technology should then allow me to just be a sentient head for the rest of my life. I should still be alive.

I'm just a head. That wouldn't be the same technology then. The technology we're talking about allows you to scream immediately after your head gets couple wear, kicked off your body. Say we if you go down a ride. You can go. That's fine. I can develop my own language from it. I can develop my own language.

Mary, no one wants to be friends with you if that's all you're going to say. And that's fine i could as you're getting like getting stuck in the filter mary no one wants to be friends with you if that's all you're gonna say and that's it if you're gonna go and then you're gonna say well oh it means coffee i'm like i don't have time to learn this code no come on because she's doing podcast she's you know jake and amir aren't gonna want that on mic it's too confusing it's it's like a one person having a language is not really doesn't make sense the other thing like if you want mary like your legacy at that point is they do have the technology to put your head on the porch and there's like a motion sensor for halloween so when people are walking up you're like hey kid oh so i can say hey hey, kid. Hey, kid. That's it? Somebody see my, like...

Glasses. Yeah. Where are my glasses? And that's kind of funny that, like, you're just ahead. You should be looking for more than just your glasses. Like, you lost your entire body. That is funny. Your whole body, yeah.

Yeah. That's funny. And then they, like, sit him on top of your head. So, like, he's just very absent-minded. That's really funny. That's funny. That's so funny. Okay, I'm okay with's so funny i'm okay with it you're getting big laughs in this i mean none of this is on screen but oh what well yeah i mean it's a podcast first of all what i like about it is like it's the universe is so flushed out like if if we know that that's happening on some stoop

nearby think about what's happening in every single house on this block and so on and so forth for the entire universe in the podcast like i think that's just really really really well really rich i mean i have good news for you mary which is i we didn't think you would be as involved that you have sort of sidetracked us so greatly that for the final product we are going to have to use some of the audio of you being like i'm dead and that'll that'll be in the show now we don't really have anything else from you but sean you just i'm sorry and i don't want to fight this because i think mary probably will be happy that she's in the show now but you said like her death happens off screen of course there are no screens it's a

podcast but now it is on screen so well it's gonna have to be because we just don't have anything else like we haven't gotten any audio from you okay i'm okay with that yeah i'm sure you are well i feel like i i'm not saying anything on the show now and that's kind of a problem i want you to i mean our our whole idea was that you two were sort of the um or really just you lauren were the leaders of the sort of freedom fighting resistance mary it really worked out the recap you did a good job yeah no mary it worked out like we think you're really nice that idea to you but mary you got a huge part now and i don't even have any part like at this point to be the only person who's dead in the future that's fascinating and as part as far as like the actual

dialogue of the show goes you have more lines than i do at this point i haven't even recorded any lines for the show i've just recapped the show and then i basically teed you up to have like a huge part where you get killed we just basically we were thinking that we would come to you lauren and say like hey we don't want to run forever we want to take the fight back to scott ackerman ai okay and that you were gonna sort of help us hatch a plan to infiltrate the giant supercomputer where um scott's ai lives uh you know where people can talk to and have sex with it and then right that you and that you would help us break in there and like dismantle it and then um i guess try to escape maybe we get captured i don't know we were

hoping you'd figure that out and you sort of represent this revolution in podcasting uh that basically began with the concept of the guest becoming the host and the host right of course and so with with that in mind like i'm actually open to having mary be like in the scene with me like here's a here's a pitch like and i'm just open to this if you guys are and you feel free to totally nix it but what if like mary is like a head on a stick that i sort of carry around okay and she can only make like the noises that you were talking about. And I can say, hey, kid, where's my glasses? Yeah, that's good.

I'm fine with that. Save it for the scene. But yeah, that sounds good. Yeah. So does she have a little like tap, one of those like tap lights on her, like on her tongue or something so that like she can be like a flashlight.

Yeah, because I use her as like a walking stick and a flashlight and a weapon if need be. Wow. How's that working? You're just hitting people. If I hit people with the stick and the head on it. Yeah. And I can say ouch because I think that's one of the things I can say. I think you can say ooh, ah, ooh.

Ooh, ah. That's like for like a dog toy or something like with impact. It does other things. Yeah. Yeah. And your mouth opens, you probably sing happy birthday like a card. Yeah. And then if you fart, it comes out of the stick and it goes.

But I don't have a butt. It just comes out of the stick. That's why it comes out of the stick. If you had a butt, it would come out of the butt. But you have a stick, so it comes out of the stick. That's why it comes out of the stick. If you had a butt, it would come out of the butt, but you have a stick, so it comes out of the stick. That's why I said that.

So anyways. We got to hold your hand through. I don't have a hand. What? What? Okay. So can you recap sort of what I'm supposed to say? Cause I got so caught up in writing Mary apart and trying to make sure.

And that's what she does is like, she, she is just a fucking energy vampire. Like she just sucks up all of your focus. And it's like, what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't have a butt you know what

i mean it's like okay okay we'll deal with this but we also it's not the first time she's said that i have never said i don't have a butt to you i've never said that name one time i've said that that time when your butt got caught in the toilet and then when that was one time okay one time but all lauren said was it's not the first time you've said it she didn't say you say it all the time she basically said one other time it came up honestly hearing about it after the fact that wasn't like a plausible story that like you didn't have a butt so how could it get caught in the toilet yeah what's stuck in the toilet no you guys let me finish you didn't let me finish she cut off. Her butt got stuck in the toilet and then she got up

and the butt was still in the toilet because it got stuck. She actually didn't have a butt for that time. You had to reach into the toilet to get it out? That's so gross. No, I lowered myself back into the toilet and got it reattached.

Then I stood up at an angle and that helped i feel like again we are we are getting a little bit sidetracked you know with this story like this we're not gonna be able to use that let's do the scene please be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language.

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Babbel now has visual in-person lessons. Part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks babbles designed by real people for real conversations and that includes body-based conversations what does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them. They're pulling it. What does that mean?

Does their finger hurt? I wonder if they spotted a spider web or something. They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like

almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as I'm going. That's what I've been doing. That seems dangerous. But some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world.

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want to i just want to establish it's none of this like here's a like a pile of ingredients like this is the meal the meal has to be ready it's not a recipe okay this is the meal you cook the full meal for us now okay yeah you don't just send us a bunch of stuff you had laying around in your cabinet you're actually doing the cooking and there are 35 different options to choose from every week including calorie smart protein plus and keto which is this it's a little bit of all of them okay okay it shouldn't be there are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal the promises the meal makes us

sleepy you've been pushing that so much you're saying that you will be added on to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to do it's supposed to help you stay a lot of these i know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that reservation for two me walking in my bedroom what's the second it's you and your bed. The bed. I guess Clippy. Fuel up fast with Factors restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever

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starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette. It was a raspberry vinaigrette. It was a French raspberry vinaigrette dressing. They'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill,

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That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Okay, we're fleeing from beginners beach uh and we come upon this like abandoned like facility and we walk inside and we're escaping uh and this this person walks out of the darkness holding like a weird head on a stick with like with light coming out of it uh and we're like oh hello like who are you it's me lauren lapkus hey kid where's my glasses okay guys mary died and i put her on a stick did that just come out of the stick yeah she doesn't have a butt yeah obviously she has a stick wow she's trying to turn that off or something it's just like doesn't feel like it should be a part of what we're doing right now she's trying to say coffee okay i'm just gonna hit her on the head

wow that's not the right noise we're working on that uh we're we're trying to like escape from like scott ackerman put audio deep fakes in our show and he's he's trying to like send the police to capoeira us. We're on the run. You probably can actually tell who we really are even though we had our jewels scooped out because you can just see that we're actually naturally just so kind of funny and cool and people are just liking what we're doing even though we're not even trying that hard.

Yeah, it's interesting because I actually wasn't sure at first, but I was just enjoying what you guys were saying and then I was like, I think I know who these guys are. So I'm really glad to see you guys and i'm so glad you're okay but there's not much time left it seems like yeah it seems like we're running out of time uh so we have to plan hey kid okay she's saying hi she remembers you

hi so i've really learned her sorry haze but i've really learned her language she kind of She remembers you. Hi. So we're tired. Sorry, Hayes, but I really learned her language. She kind of made up this language that is just for her. And honestly, I figured it out. Like Coco. Ooh, ah, ah, ah, ee, ooh, ooh. Like when Coco knew that Robin Williams died. She just said it was like when Coco knew what Robin Williams died. Wow.

So we're tired of running. Lauren, you know Scott Aukckerman better than anyone inside and out what uh how how can we fight back defeat scott ackerman you have to go for his one weakness can you guess okay we just said we don't have like a ton of time i'd feel more comfortable if you guessed okay and well i i would i guess like this set like are we each going to do one guess yeah you each do one and then i'll tell you if you're right and if you're not right i'll tell you what it is okay I guess my first guess is like just rolling with the initial premise

okay Hayes I'll say I guess like someone talking a little too early um wow you're both right but at the same time there's one more thing okay what is it it's really personal okay You're both right, but at the same time, there's one more thing. What is it?

It's really personal. Okay. You're not going to say what it is. I don't feel good sharing it. I guess I thought just from your surroundings you were leading the resistance or something. I guess if it's really personal, that makes me trust you even more. No, you were leading the resistance or something. Yeah, that's what it seemed like. That's actually... Okay, fine.

No, I'll tell you what it is. Oh, okay. I want you to trust me less. Basically, yours were really concise, and it's just a little bit harder to explain. I kind of thought you would guess it, but... Okay. Basically, he's afraid to use like any he's afraid. OK, so here's the deal.

So Scott doesn't like it when he has to go to the bathroom and he has to go like in a place where people might hear him. So he will go like deep into a yard or something. like deep into a yard or something and then he kind of will he has this whole system where he poops into like um palm fronds and then he like he has andy richter like fan them on people and whoa god this this i what you thought we were gonna guess this and then it's so weird you thought we were gonna guess it but even as you say it you don't appear to know what it is no i do i do i do i do i'm just like i feel really bad that i'm telling you sure and so like then when that happens he'll be like andy where how did how did it go and then andy will kind of check in. That's one of the three questions.

And Andy will check in and see. And then, yeah, actually, and then after that, what happens is. Wait, why did you say actually? So then everything that happens after that is like, just because from what he's done so he's really embarrassed and then um comes back in the house and he who is embarrassed scott okay and then he gives kulap a little kiss and then um that's nice and then he goes and does an episode of comedy bang bang And he feels really scared.

Okay. Sorry, I don't remember what we were talking about. No, me neither. Me neither. Well, it seems like since in this world that we all occupy, he is just a supercomputer that exists as as an ai maybe we should focus less on how he goes to the bathroom and i'm just pitching this and you're obviously you're the leader of the resistance so i don't want to step on your toes at all but maybe you know like where the

main microchip is or something oh yeah totally no i do so cool up has like this little section in her bedroom where she keeps all of her rings and inside that is where the microchip is and it's not locked it's just it blends right in with all the rings but i do but you but you guys were really close with the stuff that you guessed you know that i don't even know why i said that okay so this is me talking outside the show again that was amazing that just the one story alone yeah about his weakness was like three times as much content as we've got it's gonna be so good amazing just mary saying we at the wrong time was more useful than anything Paul did. And I felt like everything I said made so much sense. Like it's really good stuff.

Gorgeous. I'm really happy. It's great lore. I was like seeing it as it was being described. We're using every second of it. I was really happy about it. It was so like visually compelling. That's so awesome.

The character's motivations were really clear. So good. Yeah, I agree. So, I mean, like, this is great. And that takes us into, like, basically the final showdown where we go to their house. Right. Oh, God. And, like, we...

This is, like, fantasy fulfillment, honestly, for, like, the listener. To get the chance to, like, see Kulop's rings. Yeah. Huge. Like, to actually, like, open that open that drawer and like see all those rings and i love that the microchip blends in with rings i love that yeah that's such a fun detail i agree that's really cool that was so smart that was really interesting is that because her rings are like kind of flat or because or the microchip is the microchip is round because in 3010 it's anything right so it looks like so advanced yeah 100 looks

like a ring so yeah and you can wear microchip as a ring like if you want to keep it with you sometimes people in the future um do that right guys like they will get married with sort of like microchips that are like their life story. Well, what's interesting is we go through all the rings, right? And I don't want to spoil the next episode,

but we're going through all the rings. We're like, oh, this isn't the one. This isn't the one. And then we realize that it's on her finger. Wow.

And you're going to chop it off. Wow. No, we have to actually marry Gulop instead of her. We have to marry her and then exchange rings. Yeah. That seems good.

It's so good to see you guys. It's been special. Do you want to plug anything? Mary? No, just Lauren. What? Wait a minute. We're not in the future.

Okay, so I will plug Newcomers, my podcast with Nicole Byer, where we watched things for the first time that we've ever seen. I just feel like I'm alive right now. And we did Star Wars, and we did Lord of the Rings, and now our new season is all about Tyler Perry movies.

And then I also want to plug Threedom, which is my show with her and Paul F. Tompkins. And then I also want to plug Freedom, which is my show with her and Paul F. Tompkins. And I have a Patreon if you want to go to that. Yeah. And I guess I'll plug things now. Oh, great. So.

Oh, what? You thought I was going to talk over you? I thought. Because, I mean, I can if you want me to. No, I don't want you to. Make you more comfortable. I can totally keep going. It wouldn't make me me more comfortable if it makes you feel more at ease i'll just talk over you while you do it okay um yeah so yeah okay so so whatever mary is talking about

mary just say whatever you want mary can't have anything she's not yeah i'm saying anything even there's like wild horses i can do wild well like we do no but you want to plug wild horses just go ahead say wild horses okay so wild horse just plug wild horses she can i'm trying she can watch it whenever she wants. She can? Just say whatever you want to say about it. I'm trying to. Let's let Mary get it out. Fair's fair.

I can't. Wild Horses is around and we do a show. A virtual show. Well, Mary. Okay, great. Kevin, mark that cut. Got it.

Bye. Hollywood Handbook. This week on the Patreon, Carl and Ahsan discuss their glory days. The boys have a little fun with being cousins. And the Flager Ones talk to Brian Scalabrini. Check out the podcast five days a week at patreon.com slash the Flager Ones.

Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.