Hollywood Handbook - The Pro Version #244: THE HUSBANDS' DANCE

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

Enjoy this un-paywalled episode of The Pro Version!The Boys have a little fun writing a new hit song. Watch the video recording here.Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. The link for that will be in the description. And really quick, this Saturday, October 15th at 12 p.m. Pacific time, Carl Tartt and Nassan Williams are going to be doing a video game live stream of Madden NFL 22. So if you'd like to check that out, it'll be available on the video tier at patreon.com slash theflagrantones. Thanks so much and enjoy this episode. Laker Ones. Thanks so much and enjoy this episode. So the Halloween husband's dance is, God, six weeks away already. That sneaks up on you, doesn't it? Well, I mean, appropriately, because it's so scary. It should sneak up on you. But I remember, like, I don't, like, I still think it is so scary. It should sneak up on you. But I remember, like,

I still think it is the best Husbands Dance of the Year. I remember after I first got married, looking forward to, like, starting in, like, July, being like, oh my, and, like, especially, like, the first couple, the first one, I was like, oh my God, I can't believe I get to... The first one's really special,

even if... It's funny, because looking back, I probably have to admit that the very first Halloween Husbands dance I attended was not one of the best ones in terms of theme, decoration, just the group that we had yeah but for me it's still my favorite yes yes yes yes because it was such a thrill to be like in the room after

having watched through the window for so many years uh just going and like you know driving my big pickup truck to the parking lot and just wishing that I was a husband so that I could get in there crushing a 30 rack in the flatbed and then just pressing my face up against the window of the gymnasium and, uh, and kind of falling asleep with it smushed there. Um, getting my nose grease all over the glass you know and then having to go get materials out of my truck to clean it off so i could even see in for like the big final dance uh so speaking of which thank you for bringing that up because i'm not like performing and like the onstage piece of that this year i am i volunteer i was like i i

i'm a little busy to do like the all the choreography rehearsals in the choreo exactly i will i'll help write the song parody and so this year the song parody is married men which is a parody of single ladies will you Do you want to help me do this right now? Yeah, let's knock it out. That's so funny. I didn't even realize that was what they picked. I had sent something else, but that's fine. What did you say?

So I don't know if this is the name of the... So, well, you know the song something like something in the way she moves yeah yes i i had submitted like basically pumpkin in the way she moved in the way she yes like the same as last year same thing because you you suggested that last year do you remember that yeah i don't know if i suggest i think last year. Same thing, because you suggested that last year. Do you remember that? Yeah, I don't know if I suggested. I think last year what I suggested was that song that goes, tell me something, tell me something would be, tell me pumpkin good, tell me, tell me.

Yes, I guess I was just remembering the pumpkin of it all. That one had nothing to do with that. Tell me that you're frightening. I think they just they just like the because what's unique there's a lot of like halloween dances the husband thing is more at all no i know pumpkin and the way she moves is like like it's about our wives i think it's a we're trying to be a little more except like husbands can have husbands. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, so it's the she is the issue.

It's the she. Yes. I don't think it's unsolvable. You can say he if you're singing it. Yeah. But it's nothing he instead. You know what I mean? Unless it's about us, like the husbands. Well, what if it's pumpkin in the way we moves?

Yeah. I like that i we're pretty far along on this i think on on all the married men but i like that as a pitch for especially now knowing that you didn't pitch that last year as well and that's my mistake it was just the pumpkin pumpkin instead of something i guess i did pitch but it was a totally different song and really a different genre of music. All the married men, all the married men, all the married men, all the married men. And then it's,

and then it's now, and then it's going to be now raise your man's cup, which is like raise your man's cup. Everyone's going to have their man's cup. Okay. So up in the club, just broke up up in the club can stay up in the club all wifed up uh-huh i'm chewing on my wedding ring great decided to say it could be it could be but we actually that we actually did pack yes

like put a lip but maybe packed up a lip because decided to dip it seems like you're being lazy and for the quarry we could we keep decided to dip we're replacing the like the dip element if we use packed up a lip can't no i know but uh uh we can i've obviously given my opinion on it which is that it feels you could be accused of being lazy there sure well then yeah i know i hope you're not saying that i just think it's like i mean frankly you could keep now put your hands up like i but like we didn't we did raise your man cup man's cup man's cup man's cup yeah sure we can keep any we could keep almost all of that well that yeah but i'd rather make it our own wherever the joke to me is like decided to dip was already there but we're giving it new meaning

rather than finding a phrase that rhymes with that but means the same thing do you see what i'm saying well what if we just kept dip it just says dip you just say dip well we may say it a few times and then is there a... Dip, dip, dip. Does it keep the meter? Yeah. Dip, dip, dip. Now I gotta spit. Yeah. Dip, dip, dip.

Now I gotta spit. Because another brother noticed me. That makes sense. Because you're not allowed to dip at the thing. Yeah. And so it does... So again, maybe I guess you're gonna have an issue with us using the same lyrics so i do i can police myself on that i'd like to change that because i think like because what you're saying is that you just now you've got a spit because you're afraid you're

gonna get caught no because i was caught because another one of the husbands it's not me but like the guy's dancing up there another one of the husbands notice them so they can do a finger wag because then why not make it another husband notice why isn't another husband another husband notice me that's good yeah that's better um i'm up on him. He up on me. Don't pay him any attention. Cried my tears for three good years. You can't be mad at me. This is getting really hard, yeah. That's the original lyrics.

Yeah. My cup's got pims. My cup's got pims. His cup's. His cup's got pimps. My cup's got pimps. His cup's. His cup's got tea. His cup's got tea. My cup's got pimps. His cup's got tea.

Something about a pension. Yeah, collecting a pension. Yeah. Collecting married man's pension collect don't you get like a pension collecting married man's married man's pension pension cried my tears for three good years okay tears fears beers cheers oh oh gears oh go ahead cheers i was gonna say something with cheers because it's we have the cups already yeah uh we all scream cheers and toast with our beers and toast our beer toast with our beers i agree and toast with our beers you can't be mad at me i love that i do think i do now here's where i'm going back on my own rule

yeah i think we have to keep you can't be mad at me especially given the this i mean the context is totally transformed now we all say that and unison just kind of a deep ringing you can't be mad at me for husbands like all the husbands say that oh okay you got that kevin i got it so what is it from the top or just you can't be mad yeah it's not that long all the married men all the married men all the married men all the married men all the married men all the married but sing it do do it like how do it like how it's actually gonna be track yeah oh we should call ourselves He-once. All the married men. All the married men.

All the married men. All the married men. All the married men. All the married men. All the married men. Now lift your man's cup. I'm doing my own thing. Tip, tip, tip.

Now we got to spin. What the fuck? No gotta spin no no no no no yeah you missed the beginning yeah and the lyrics feel fast the lyrics i remembered the lyric is not i'm doing my own little thing anymore the chewing on my wedding ring chewing on my wedding ring chewing on my wedding chewing on my wedding ring chewing on my wedding ring chewing on my wedding chewing on my wedding ring chewing on my wedding ring and you missed two lines which lines which the two that come before that now lift your man's cup up in the club all wifed up yeah up in the club i'm chewing on my wedding ring i'm chewing on my wedding ring and there's some choreo just like little choreo yeah yeah you chew on your wedding ring yeah it's very eager all the married men all the married men all the married men all the married men Up in the club

Just all wiped up Chewing on my wedding ring Dip dip dip Now you're gonna spit Cause another husband noticed me My man's got pimps His got tea Collecting married man's pension

We all scream cheers And toast our beers You can't be mad at me yeah you you caught up wow 100 toast it's toast with our beers the you can't be mad at me you forgot to spit oh yeah dip dip dip now i gotta spit spit parentheses collecting married man's pension because another husband noticed me and that's a finger wag but that someone else will do that all the married men all the married men all the married men all the married men all the married men, all the married men, all the married men, all the married men, all the married men. Now lift your man's cup.

Just was in the club, all wifed up, chewing on my wedding ring. Dip, dip, dip. Now you got to spit because another husband noticed me. My cup's got pimps. His got tea. Collecting married man's pension. We all scream cheers and toast with our beers and you can't be mad at me nice that was nice it was two lines off timing but it might have been

zoom that might have been zoom it might have been zoom delay can you do that spit down just like like that alone let's get that clean. Okay. Did you do it? I think he's collecting enough spit. It's just... You don't have to actually spit. But the way you're doing it, I think you are spitting for real, but you're doing it so quietly,

and it has to be the opposite of that. It's fake, but it's loud enough to hear yes it's the old west spittoon sound effect so you you really want to get that how's this what now i guess i almost want to time okay the spit someone else does the kevin you just say now i've got a spit don't worry about the um lyrics okay don't worry about the sound effect just do it right now now i got a spit so the spit is on someone else is doing the spit on well when you say spit. timing, right? Yeah. That's interesting.

Well, Kevin's not even allowed to go. So this is just like, we don't have to worry about Kevin getting the timing right. It's sort of a tease. That's the actual thing. He's not allowed to be within the county line when this is

happening. This is one of the most famous anti-husbands in history. I shouldn't even be talking about this with him. Except I think it's better that it couldn't be me. Single Ladies was written about Kevin's

girlfriend. Me at my sister's wedding this weekend couldn't be me you're going to your sister's oh that's right okay so this is all on schedule from the it happened last weekend yeah it was on saturday but you're going this weekend buongiorno i'm doing another uh victory tour going back checking out the sites yeah i remember what i did there what were like what was the venue what yeah what did you do there it was at a church and then there was a reception like a mile down oh great church take me to church very traditional i messed up because i was supposed to say amen and I said thank you.

Almost got booed from the priest. He almost booed you? Yeah, he did like that. You shouldn't have been saying thank you anyway. You should have been saying agrazi. It was my stomping ground where I did the big Jesus pose, remember? Thank you. And like the very slow, long, when they say amen at the end of a song very slow and long like that you said thank you thank you wow did you give a speech i didn't my

dad did and my sister did they didn't have you give a speech even though you're so funny oh my god but kevin you're like working in entertainment you're like mr showbiz like a performer on mike and they don't have you give a speech aren't you the only sibling what happened no i have a younger sister and she gave a speech and then my dad what yeah and then i watched but And then I watched. But you're the funniest one. But you're the funny one. There was a lot of double takes while they were giving speeches to me and then back and then me and back. Were there jokes about you in the speeches?

Nobody talked about you at all? Kevin, you didn't even make it into a speech? I think they said I came from California. Oh, so you were in the part where like, thanks to everyone who came so far. Kevin came all the way from California. Yeah. That's how they talk about like, just a weird friend. Yeah, that's very impersonal.

Like a second cousin. Yeah, someone who you're like, Jesus, I didn't think you would come. It's so far. Yeah. And you invited them because you didn't think they would come? But now you feel like you have to say something? Now it's got to be they need their own special moment in the speed. Oh, my God.

Wow, that's it? Actually, check this out. So I did my rounds, you know, saying hi to all the customers. Don't tell me to check anything out. Yeah. Okay, here's something. If I decide to check it out, that's what I'll do. Ask me if I have capacity to check this out.

Okay. Do you guys have capacity to check this one out? Hang on. I'm trying to reach through the zoom screen and pluck the hair off of haze's microphone if you see it right there in the frame you see what i'm talking about haze in your it's a big white hair i know that's what i mean it feels like merlin's beard it's very long and white maybe you were doing a Lord of the Rings recap

podcast before this Gandalf was hosting it oh okay imagine Merlin's there too dude Merlin and Gandalf are chopping it up I'd be a fly on the wall during that of course they could turn me into anything they want

the two of them together? It wouldn't be a fly for long, not if they wanted to get into a little tinkling contest. They're staff at you. I've decided to eat something. What did you decide to have? A little ginger chew.

You ever eat these guys? Yeah, little ginger chew. Remember these guys? Ooh. Yeah, I think so. Not those guys. I eat the one with the little ginger man on it. No thanks. So I'm doing the rounds and my cousin says to me, he says, I actually love listening to Maybe Don't

and I listen to it all the time and hope you guys bring it back. My jaw is on the ground. Did he say, I hope you guys bring it back my jaw was on the ground did he say i hope you guys bring it back in the same sentence or or now reach back in your memory did he say i love maybe don't i listen to it all the time then you say something like oh yeah it was fun to do and then your cousin like oh fucking shit are you fucking kidding me he hasn't been doing this for like a year and over jesus i never even heard it i just saw that he like hey i listened to that all the time oh yeah it was fun really it was fun to do i'm sorry yeah i hope you bring it back and your cousin who is like an improviser in his own right yeah conversational shinobi yeah he's pretty quick it's like yeah dude you gotta bring it back

yeah and yeah i guess that's exactly how it went were you in the wedding party were you a i was one of the groomsmen always the groomsmen but i must have been forced on the husband no yeah it was it's not like your homie like i've never heard you talk about this nope it was his brother four of his best friends and i was there too where where in the batting order are you um i think i was who's on your right look to your right it varied there was really no like order when we were walking down the aisle you were shuffling around during the during the ceremony doing a little like rearranging yourselves as the vows are taking place i want first spelling two different spelling two different words? You each have a letter, and it rearranges to spell a different word?

Or were you stationary? We were stationary. So I went first with the grandma's arm and arm. Then I ran back. Oh, man. Picture this. And were you doing little... You're so gross.

Don't tell me to picture anything. Walking with the grandma's arm in arm and you're raising your eyebrows. You're doing double deuces. I'm arm in arm with her. Ordering everyone to check it out check this out

I got a hotel room after this oh my god with the grandmas and you're weighing them down you're so tired they're like they're holding you up I'm doing big yawns

your feet are dragging on the ground as they haul you up the aisle hope you did your exercises this week grandma you're gonna have to carry me home to my hotel room I got by the way god Kevin

Kevin I got a stack of my key cards. No wonder they didn't want to hear a speech from you. I go down the aisle with Grandma's first. Kevin has 52 key cards and he fans them and he's like pick a card, any card.

52 pick up. Don't show it to me. Not till I show you mine. I'll show it to you not till i show you mine i'll show it to you that's right yeah all right kevin yeah so you're hauling ass up the aisle yep and then you go where what i run back up what now i'm trucking run back up yeah because i gotta walk my i gotta walk my mommy down the aisle holy shit the extra groomsman went demon mode holy shit i forgot. There he is. Arm in arm with the broads. What an expression. Jesus Christ.

I can't believe it. Damn, I look friendly. Bond. Kevin Bond. So I'm going down here. And then I seat them. I plant their asses down. i'm trucking it around the corner antonio the husband the groom he goes down with his parents as that's going

antonio that's right your mom was like what what do we talk about i guess italian food her big game with his italian ass she's probably showing them the game we did the wedding shower game yeah that's what i'm talking this is this kind of shit we got into remember antonio antonio remember the game that's what the entire i still can't believe spaghetti is from Italy. Spaghetti? I've been eating it since I was a little kid. I can't believe that's Italy. And everyone who's there is like, God, that was her only experience with

this guy was the game where they guess different Italian foods. That's my only experience with him too. I just thought the mother-in-law would. Pizza too. She's never talked to him before.

Pizza's a big one. I mean, I think that is pizza on every corner here in the States. And meanwhile, you guys, that's your foods. Okay, so Kevin books his hiney around the corner yep go fetch mommy i fetch mommy i go let's go get arm and arm with her we have to go now trot down the aisle come with me if you want to give your daughter away nice we We go down the aisle. Everyone's going, didn't we just see this guy? And I'm like, big, it happens.

The fucking Winklevoss twins up in this piece. It's a living. The Stinklevoss twins. Stinklevoss. Shit, man. I thought I already saw that guy. It must be the stinklevoss twins they didn't what was the thinking there they didn't have anyone else to

to no grandpas no grandpas okay maybe a cousin could have yeah there's your like we've already established a cousin yeah i got another comment from one of the guests yeah i hope that fucking stinklevoss twin doesn't try to talk to me about cryptocurrency yeah why couldn't the cousin do it why couldn't the cousin do it? Why couldn't the cousin at least bring the grandmas? Well, there was drama. Who hated dealing with you. He seems to be like a master manipulator, and he just managed to, you know, be a... What is it? The marionette-eteer?

He's the marionette-eteer because he's pulled all of the strings. Yes. And he's the marionette of tear because he's he's pulled all of the strings yes and he's honestly he's something of a sherman clump he's he's he's playing every role he's every single seat at the table kevin is the damn clumps okay later on yeah well well notumps. So later on... Yeah. Well, how much later on? Because I do want to know,

where did you finally settle your ass down for this ceremony? I come back with the groomsmen. They're already there. Oh my God. You went three times? No, I don't... You're getting your steps in?

The groomsmen were already there. They didn't go down the aisle. They were already established. Yeah. So you went and stood with them? Yeah. Thank you. Who is next to you?

Who's on your right? Antilio. Antonio's friend. Antonio right Antilio Antonio's friend Antilio does that mean little Antilio his shorter friend Antilio it'd be like if I had a groomsman named Shin no way on my special day antilio is to your right he's to my left no one's on my right

oh my god so you're holding that you're the anchor yeah um look to your left look to your right one of you is antilio Yeah. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you is Antelio. So there was Antelio, Paolo, Eduardo, Philip. Oh, my God. And fucking K-Man himself. Wait, who's Philip? Philip is Antonio's friend from Germany. He flew 24 hours.

But Kevin makes the speech for coming from California. Okay, California. But did you go on a train? Yeah. Yeah, of course. So they're like, it was for some reason harder than Philip just sending

the freaking Alps to get here. I gave Philip my number. He didn't ask for it but he was getting in the streets and i said hey if you need anything you know here's my number he was like uh okay didn't get any calls that night that's okay just happy to offer happy to It's plus sign zero one. So then, later on that day, I got to give out

the body of Christ with my sister. During the Mass, I'm trucking back. Here's me and Kate, my youngest sister. Actually, it looks like i got the blood of christ your young guest sister you said yeah i have two there's only two megan who got married and this is okay all right oh so we go back now i'm doing this duty bringing the the blood to papa and then this is when he says something where I'm supposed to say amen and I say

thanks you said thanks or you said thank you I said thanks I hit him with the thanks um my sister said don't mention it babe all right that's that's enough for now yep Hollywood Handbook

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