Hollywood Handbook - The Pro Version: Super Bowl Party Snacks

Episode Date: March 26, 2020

The Boys are releasing one Pro Version episode from behind the paywall every Friday in Try Month. In this episode, The Boys help you make the perfect Super Bowl party snacks.To hear all episodes of The Pro Version and Hollywood Handbook: The Ads Version, go to stitcherpremium.com and sign up with the code ‘HANDBOOK’ to get your first month free. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. diminishes me well I wasn't at the time at the time I was not and we've been known to do ads separately sometimes okay but you like you put your headphones on you pull the mic towards you to me that is that you were ready to do this they can't see that are you not ready they can't see that that's why I'm saying that it's both of us

and now it is but when you started talking it wasn't necessarily so we are releasing one full bonus episode every week from our premium bonus series hollywood handbook pro version it's we now and it's and it says please provide a short description that highlights how pro version differs from regular hollywood handbook episodes where to such a like a big question like where to even like begin on something like wow like how is it different like wow I mean it's different oh it's different as hell uh it is shorter than normally. Well, normally it does cost money, but in this case it is free.

Yep. So now is it the same? But there's rarely a guest. Sometimes. Yeah. But not very often. No. If you want to listen to the rest of Hollywood Handbook Pro version,

go to stitcherpremium.com and sign up with the code HANDBOOK. I would say, just as a description, that the Hollywood Handbook Pro version is a free-flowing conversation that occasionally touches on mature subject matter. And how is that different from what we do on the main show? I would say that that is a very stiff, stunted conversation that constantly explores nothing but mature subject matter. Can I just say this?

You have a promo code here, yes? Yes. And what do they get for using the promo? StitcherPremium..com sign up with code handbook i think one month free okay it doesn't say that you get one month free with using code handbook you promise this it's a chef kevin guarantee write to kevin and let him know what you got when you used it you'll get access to all our bonus episodes and add free listening experience for all earwolf and citrus shows in theer app. But you can also listen to the ads version too.

Kevin should be in here. That's right. Wow. Because the ads are all screwed up now in the free version. So if you want to listen to the show as basically the Snyder Cut of the show, it's basically what it is. With all the ads in their correct order, you can listen to Hollywood Handbook the ads version it's different from the pro version

but it is in there and you'll be supporting our show too thanks for listening hope you enjoy the episode and remember that's StitcherPremium.com promo code handbook and again nothing about the bonus and my name's Sean like Kevin promised I am with Kirby I promise.

I'm with Kirby. Too early. I'm with Kirby, the ball man. The blobby, yeah. Blobby, what is Kirby? He almost looks like a ghost, doesn't he's a man he's a human man he's a man yes but he just looks but he can fly he looks different from

fly and eat crazy and he can fly uh i remember him flying he just has big like air pockets um you know how manatees have big uh huge lungs? They actually don't have very big butts.

Okay. It's smaller than the rest of their parts. But they have these huge lungs that allow them to float on top of the water. And he is like that for air. Right. It allows him to be on top of the air, basically. Manatee. When he takes a big breath.

Sea cow. The mermaid. Sailors would mistake them for mermaids. You know the biggest predator of the manatee? The boat propeller. Oh. They would swim up into the boat propellers. Because the guys would say, that's a mermaid.

They'd see this big gray thing that's like, Because the guys would say, that's a mermaid. They'd see this big gray thing that's like, and they're like, excuse me, one second. I have to send my boat over to this. Yep. And like you said, they're floating up near the top where the propeller is doing its nasty business in the water. So I am finding myself with Kirbyby he is absorbing my powers he is sucking me uh through him all the way through calm down everybody and i know that people yes

i do know people use the show for that chanson in in particular. I can hear the sound of... Let me reach way back for Chanson. Of clip trimming. People have this show hooked up to their little multimedia recorders or whatever, and they're like, save that clip, please. Oh, I can feel him sucking me. Yeah.

I can bleep it if you guys want That's what he does He does a big sucking all the way in And then you Have to go back out Yeah And I Look back

I'm a little dazed As you should be. I hate in this society. They're like, oh, get right back up for men. This like tough man complex. Yes, thank you. This toxic masculinity where it's supposed to be that you got sucked in by Kirby. Yes.

And they spit you out. Yeah, just pop right back out. You're supposed to just be you know totally unfazed just made of iron and it's like no I'm sorry it doesn't work that way you can't even take one second to just lie on your side yeah and sob

you literally can't have 10 minutes to an hour to lie on your side and sob everyone is watching to be like you know hop hop up. Here he goes. Walk it off. Yeah, walk it off, champ.

Toxic. Toxic. I hate this tough man attitude. We need to teach our men better, which means teaching our boys better that when Kirby sucks you sucks you fully inside and blasts you out we need to tell our little boys hey it's okay

to lie on your side and gently sob for a full hour before you do anything else and we wonder why these guys grow up and they're going into prison for going nuts and trying to hit Kirby with a

2x4. And I'll tell you why. Because we don't teach them when they're young. Just lie there and cry. But it is, of course of course 2019 so i am springing to my feet as fast as possible and i look back at kirby and he has i thought he would have like blonde hair or something but he just has a big zit. Kind of near his nipple. Yeah.

Almost like a second nipple. Or a third. Yeah, a third. That's the initial impression. A second nipple when you're... He's got a nubbin. It's so close to the one that the second nipple is the right way to phrase it. Yeah, a second nipple on that side. It's so clearly to the one that the second nipple is the right way to phrase it. Yeah, a second nipple on that side. It's so clearly paired with that one.

And I'm like, that's not like my superpower. That's like a temporary thing. Yeah, you don't think of it as your primary trait. I don't think that's fair that that's what like symbolizes me. No, your superpower is your blonde hair. Your superpower is your long blonde hair. Or my 5'4 jacket. Yes. Your 5'4 clothing

jacket and your blonde hair are permanent aspects of your personality. Yeah. And the zit near your nipple I mean I say I've known you for what, 8 years now? 7 or 8 years? Yeah, something like that. And I would say you've only had for, what, eight years now? Seven or eight years? Yeah, something like that.

And I would say you've only had it for six of those years. Yeah, and not continuously. No, no, no. Like, it'll go away for... It'll go away for a couple days. Just long enough for me to kind of be like, oh, man. Just in time for beach season. I can't wait to get this shirt off and then sure enough, it's back.

Yeah. And he... I don't necessarily blame him. What is he going to do? He didn't choose. No, that's the thing. That's the thing about Kirby that we forget. Like he's not making like a costume choice when he absorbs your powers. He's as much a victim of this system as we are he's just as much the

system people who participate in a corrupt system even if they are the oppressors like kirby yes are also victims of this system yes which is broken he has to get his just as much as i have to get mine please please and we should be teaching our young boys, if you do become a big puffy Kirby because you have giant air pockets, okay? It's okay. Don't beat yourself up

because you got a big zit on your nipple after you suck hay zits, spit them out of the ground, he's crying. Or he wants to. Okay, that doesn't make you a bad Kirby. You are a product of this society. Okay.

Okay. Okay. And then he did Kevin, of course. And then he was just a Kirby holding a glass of water. That was surprising to me. I don't really know what I expected. I didn't have another pitch. There wasn't something that I thought he should be doing instead of holding a glass of water.

I just thought even that seemed a little too flashy for Kevin. Hey, guys, Chef Kevin here. I thought he was going to be wearing an apron. But you don't wear the apron. The apron has you on it. So he would have to appear on it. He could have been

on an apron. Yes. He could have been begging someone to buy it. Maybe he's pathetically begging someone to buy it. The water was fine, though. I was fine with the water. To me, it was a little too expressive. It shouldn't have been such, like, distinctive

looking water. It should almost have been, like, a more boring water. Yeah, that's right. It was a little flashy. Like, flat tap water? No, I mean, not even. I don't know. Rainwater?

No, that would be very interesting. A glass of rainwater? A glass of rainwater. That's what Rain Man would drink. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names of the Red Carpet. Watch Rain Man. what handbook an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names on the red carpet like that call us watch rain man if you haven't seen rain man if you're if you're scratching your head hey i don't get this joke there's this great move old movie rain man go do yourself a favor go home watch it you'll love the movie it's a classic And then you laugh your fucking ass off at that joke. That's what Rain Man would drink.

1988. And I won't do this the whole show. Tom Cruise has like a luxury import vehicle sales office. Of course, he's grown up. They don't explicitly state this, but maybe obsessed with rare cars because the time he stole his old man's favorite beauty. They don't say this. They don't say that's why he is in the business he's currently in.

Okay. They talk about his upbringing a lot. They talk about the car. Straight eight, fireball eight, they say about the engine. Oh, so he did steal his old man's car. Stole his old man's car, and they tell you about that. That's heavily implied, yeah. His dad let him sit in jail for three nights.

Reported the car stolen. Guess he had to teach him boundaries. Anyway, takes the car out to a institution, last known address of his brother who inherited all his father's wealth,

which he was kind of counting on. He's upside down on some of these car imports, delays and all that. He goes in to meet his brother and let's just say the movie goes from there. I forgot that Engineer Devin was also there, was getting absorbed. Kirby, Baffle Gaps was there. And it was, he became a Kirby that basically looked like himself, but he was pretending to be friends with Engineer Ryan for career advancement. That one I recognize right away.

No visual change, but like sort of buddying up to Engineer Ryan in a way that was like not convincing and clearly for like personal gain. Hey, at sub lamp. I heard a sound the other day that could be cool for your music. Oh, thank you. That's Engineer Ryan. Thank you. Thanks. oh thank you that's engineer Ryan thank you thanks oh okay

did that happen to you what did you ever get absorbed by Kirby by Kirby yeah yeah I guess I guess I did Hayes yeah anyway when he spit me out Yeah, I guess I did, Hayes. Oh. Yeah. Anyway, when he spit me out, I thought I'd turn around and see, I don't know, maybe you'd have sort of a wry wit. Or sometimes a mustache.

Occasionally a mustache. What I saw shook me to my bones. What I saw shook me to my bones He just Was like a bitch He was like a little Kirby bitch Yeah Like a recognizable version of Kirby But like a bitch

Just a fucking Just a wheedling Yeah just not good version of Kirby but like a bitch like just a fucking just a wheedling little just not good just a little sniveling little bitch yeah it was me alright scary

I can see how that would be scary and I just wanted to be like be a man Kirby fucking stand up. The fuck, dude. What are we doing today, Kevin? Super Bowl party snacks. Huh? What are we doing?

Huh? Super Bowl party snacks. The perfect way to host your Super Bowl party. Yeah, we know people come to this show for advice, whether it's about Hollywood or hosting the perfect Super Bowl party. Yeah, we know people come to this show for advice, whether it's about Hollywood or hosting the perfect Super Bowl party. We got you covered. Muchacho. Hey, Muchacho.

We are going to teach you how to have the party today and to have perfect Super Bowl snack. Perfect snacks. Perfect playlist. today and to have perfect super bowl snack perfect snacks perfect playlist if you want the party rocking you're gonna need the good tunes and you uh every time it's a commercial someone goes like it's the commercials turn the music down and then

that's when everyone gets together and talks about the commercials. And the host is allowed to pause and clown on the commercial. Oh, yes. The best part of hosting is absolutely remote privileges. You get to pause it and get the fucking hardest clown in on any of these commercials. You just go like, uh, I would have done that. And some of them you can watch ahead of time. Sometimes they will release some of the major commercials early.

I scour the internet so that I have my commercial takes well in advance. And then I act like it's just coming to me in the moment. Anybody mind if I pause for a second? This commercial seems a little problematic to me in the moment. Anybody mind if I pause for a second? This commercial seems a little problematic to me. Anyone else find the messaging a little confused? Anyway, let's keep watching. Bing! Back to it. Everybody's fucking soaking their trousers.

Loving my take on the commercial. Soaking their trousers. Loving my take on the commercial. What's the thing to do to have perfect snack? Perfect snack? Super Bowl. Football shape. You know what you're watching?

Football games. So make it shape like a football. I don't care what the fuck you want to eat. Vegetables? Football shaped vegetables. Hamburgerables? Football-shaped vegetables. Hamburger sandwich? Football hamburger sandwich. That's easier.

Yeah. Snack nacho? Football-shaped snack nacho. Freaking salad? Mm-hmm. Football salad. Hot dog? Chicken lunch. Chicken lunch dog Chicken lunch Chicken lunch

Football shaped chicken lunch Citrus glazed slammer And freaking whole grain mustard Dijon sauce Football shaped citrus glazed salmon And whole grain mustard Dijon sauce Butternut squash salad with roasted chilies Football-shaped citrus-glazed salmon in whole grain mustard Dijon sauce. Butternut squash salad with roasted chilies. Football-shaped butternut squash salad with roasted chilies.

And I could go on. Some of those are much harder to do than others. Yeah, nobody said it was going to be easy. But nobody said it was going to be but nobody said it was gonna be this hard it's cold play mama i almost want to go back to the very beginning the first one it was easy oh it's such a shame for us to part yeah nobody said it would be easy to make football shaped vegetables but let's go back to it does cold Coldplay do the halftime show? Yeah. It's supposed to be Maroon 5 with Big Boy.

Prediction, Super Bowl prediction. I don't get into what the score is going to be, but I'll tell you this. Coldplay's going to show up and do it. Instead of anyone who was advertised? It's not going to be Big Boy. It's not going to be Maroon 5. That's all we know for sure. Those guys will not be doing it.

Whoever they say it's going to be, they always have some surprise up their sleeve. Yes. Wait. Yeah. They couldn't make it. Oh, everybody's going, boo. Oh, no. I wanted to see a band.

They go, they just got these guys. Jim Nance pretends to get a phone call. Oh, Adam, you have to throw up? Oh, that's a, well, how are we going to have, do we have a show? We got a show to do. Oh, Travis Scott, you can't be there. You're feeling sicko mode. Well, how, like, how are we going to do the show?

Hold on a second. Maybe I have a suggestion. Nobody said it was easy. It's such a shame for us to part. That's huge. It's always that way. It's always they do a trick like that. And I fall for it.

Wait a second. Up until this year every time. Who's that? I'm prepped. Who's that sitting in the end zone Is that Man Man Is that Brett Morris and Man Man Hey Get out of the way

Who's behind you Oh it's Monster Magnet Get out of the way. Who's behind you? Oh, it's Monster Magnet. Space Lord. It's a radio edit. So, what did you want to say about football-shaped vegetable Football shaped vegetable. Is it a cut up carrot that would have to be made

pretty small to make them into football shape? Or is it a whole squash that is, you did mention a squash another time, that seemed like it was cut up. Is it a whole squash that is looking a little bit like a football?

Okay. Here's what I'll say, and hopefully this will answer any other follow-ups that could be coming. If it looked enough like a football, that your guest goes, oh, football is shambleshable, then that's what it is. Then you have done your job for this evening. If you've got a smushin' mashed potato around it.

Take a little bow. Oh, so you could be filling out. Oh, so instead of cut up carrot. Oh, yeah. Hey, that's not against the rules, is it? Tweet! Is the referee going to blow his whistle on that? That's not against the rules.

You could take the carrot and put enough potatoes around it. Tweet! In football shape. Roughing the chicken lunch. Okay. Yep. That's good. Kevin, do you have any other questions

just kidding you haven't asked any of this whole time yeah you've contributed nothing do you guys think it could be a good idea

if you took a potato and then cut it so it looked like the laces and so maybe people would be like oh this looks like exactly like a football

shoestring fly shoestring fry laces yeah is that what you're suggesting what do you think shoestring fry laces I believe that Is that what you're suggesting? What do you think? Shoestring fry laces? I believe that was covered in my earlier statement

when I said, if you make it look like a potato and make it look like a vegetable, no, no, make it look like a football. Edit all of this. If you make it look like a football and then people go,

oh, it looks like a football. That's the snacks. And now the dog is eating my shoe. Oh, I'm having a great time at this party. Oh, my host is making me wear shoestring potato fry laces. And now the dog has eaten my shoe. And that's Kevin's house. You know what?

I think I'm actually going to watch the second half somewhere else. I think maybe we will stick to football shape okay thank god i have to have a different vegetable that won't eat laces this the shoes belong on the floor where the dog's house is that is a problem shoes live on the floor the football is not allowedes live on the floor The football is not allowed to go on the floor In the game if you notice this If you yes Then the ref freaks out

I'm so happy you brought this out The ref loses it Tweet tweet tweet The ref will ream your ass Oh If you ever put the football on the floor I seen him chomp dudes' assholes out

for fucking putting the football on the floor. The ref? Have you never seen this? I was watching the wrong game. He chomped it out. Oh, dude. You put the football on the floor, the ref will chomp your asshole out.

He will kill your butt. He has to. But. Yes. The shoe and the shoelace does allow you to be on the floor during this football game. And does go on, yes, the football, huh? Yes. It can go on, yes, the football, huh? Yes. It can go on the football.

Once at the beginning. It can. And other times in the game a little. Mm-hmm. Can do on the football. The shoe lace on the football. Mm-hmm. A couple times.

But it's not the main thing what if you put nice messages in your snacks for your for your friends so when they're eating their food they see a nice message for you to put in your snacks is hey guys here's the address to a better super bowl party where they actually made the snacks look like football. That's the only nice message that you could get. That would be really nice. Everyone would honestly be moved to tears. Everyone at the party is moved

to tears like the Budweiser commercial where the dog is friends with that horse. Okay, that's going to make it hard for me to do the show remembering that dog and horse. And they will probably do something about that again. So it would be great if you, listening to this,

have some funny stuff for that that is also respectful of. I do think they should show those horses. I think the Budweiser horses are in a commercial every year, and I do think they should show those horses. I think the Budweiser horses are in a commercial every year and I do think they should show them having sex. Did you say whoa? Are you a baby? That's crazy. You can't even imagine that happening. Hear me out because

look. It's happening right now all over the world. Can you imagine that? That's the most natural thing. Take a minute to imagine because it's happening right now. Right now. Everyone in the world is having sex. Yeah. Right now, the second you're listening to this, everyone but you is having sex.

One way or another. Everyone. Horses included. The hottest girl. The hottest girl to the most studliest dude. One way or another. Everyone. Horses included. Here's why. The hottest girl. The hottest girl to the most studliest dude. And everything in between. Old, young, middle, medium-aged, skewing older, early 20s.

Everybody but you. So here's why the horses should be shown having sex. I think that would really provide some much needed comfort to the American people because I love these horses. Yes. And they're friends with dogs. And what I know is, unfortunately, they don't live forever. And I want some sort of insurance policy

that when these famous Budweiser horses pass on, that we're not just no horse. We need to have a plan. We need the plan. We need it now. And we should show it happening in Yeah. In a tasteful way. But to completion. Mm-hmm.

Because I can't just see a couple pumps and I don't know if dude busted. Honestly, even if they just came in at the end, that's fine with me. These ads cost a lot of money per second. If they only have time for the grand finale, as it were. There's possibly a very classy way to do it where the horses are both lying down in a bed of hay smoking horse cigarette and you just see one of them hand the other one a towel

they could because it's because it's network because it's primetime if they can't show the actual bust they could show the beginning part, and then they cut to in the Little Rascals movie where Spanky is using the fire hose to put out the fire in the clubhouse.

And the stream is so powerful, he is flying around. If they cut to that, I would have a pretty good idea of what was going on. I think that is a classy way to illustrate it that doesn't leave us with too many questions, but doesn't necessarily offend those with more delicate sensibilities like Kevin, who suddenly had to say, like, whoa or what or something. What's your plan for there to be... How do we make a promise... A new horse.

...that this horse is freaking letting his load go? I think as the pumps come to an end, it fades to black, and then we hear Beavis and Butthead go like, and from there we can infer completion from both parties. Okay. It sounded a little like they didn't like it. Oh. So you wanted a cornhole ale clip.

Yes. Okay. I don't know. I don't like that. I love the hose idea. And now now by the way i'm just putting it it's getting it is getting more and more expensive the footage from the little rascals movie from 1994 they already own it anheuser-busch may already by accident it might have been a throw in and something else they bought but now we we're getting Beavis the Butthead.

We had to go through Mike Judge all of a sudden. Now I'm calling Mike Judge and saying, hey, I'm doing a Super Bowl commercial where I need to use your footage because we're showing a horse bust. Well, interestingly, Kevin only wanted the audio. He just wanted the sound effect from Beavis the Butthead, which detached from seeing them, I'm not sure would work.

I'm sure they probably cost the same that's true i guess we could just have the cornholio sound over them doing it the horse sex okay so it's horse sex horse sex horse sex and then oh and then bud light on the bottom well oh it could also you could also show you could if it's a bud light ad you cut to uh the vortex bottle yeah cut to like footage of the vortex bottle where it's coming out so unbelievably fast yeah it's vortex's Vortex Bottle. The return of the Vortex Bottle. If you zoom in to the groin region of the horse, and then when you get to close up, it's just a Vortex Bottle that's been shaken up,

blasting out. I think it's pretty obvious. That would read. I would definitely understand what's been going on. That's great. And then you're actually getting money to do it instead of paying money to do it. Because obviously the Vortex bottle is going to want that placement. In the ad?

Yeah. In the Budweiser ad? Yeah. It's collaboration. Because they're not competitors, really. No, they put it in. Oh, yeah. Should we have polar bears having sex, too? because they're not competitors, really. No, they put it in. Oh, yeah.

Should we have polar bears having sex, too? We could get Coca-Cola to pay us for the commercial. No. There's already baby polar bear. That's like the whole thing. Oh, yeah. I guess it's like part two. Hmm.

Is this like a trilogy? I guess it's like part two. It's like part two. Plus it's cartoon. Polar bear is cartoon. It's not life. It's hentai. Kevin's precious hentai. Do we have another ad where there's a baby horse going to school? Kevin tried to show me hentai the other day

for the movie Road to El Dorado. I was like, I barely remember this movie. This is what, I mean. R-O-D-E. Show me, like, you know, normally it's like Marge, okay. This I understand. Of course.

Freaking Fern Gully or whatever. That's a little weird. But Road to El Dorado. So strange. Yeah. little weird but road road to el dorado so strange yeah he was doing for me whenever i am alone with kevin before you're here if you're running late or something i just go like here comes emperor's new groove hentai and i can just I can spot it from a mile away and then he will start in this very performative way like flipping through stuff on his phone and going like

huh oh oh and just begging me to be like something good on your phone Kev and I won't bite and then he'll finally go you just sorry you have to see this. And they're just going to town.

Yeah. Yeah. It's animated films drawn from Mesoamerican history. It's important to you, isn't it? We could always be learning. It's important to you, isn't it? We could always be learning. And sex is the most appealing thing in the whole world. So if we could use that as a way to learn, we could change history.

Because we'll keep repeating it if we're not appealing our own brains. Is this over? Oh, yeah. Bye. The Pro Version. I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon.

For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow.