Hollywood Handbook - The ScuzzMan, Dom's Close Friend

Episode Date: March 30, 2015

With Hayes gone, Sean brings in his assistant Dom to fill the void and showers him with apologies in exchange for the exciting golden-haired guest he booked. Then, Dom's friend The ScuzzMan joins them to discuss Volleyball: A Real Underdog Story. Finally, the Popcorn Gallery is back to ask some Goldie Hawn-themed questions.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head conversation real quick. How are you? It's hot. It's hot out. No. Hey, what up, what up? Welcome, everybody, to the... Can you do the tagline, Dom? Hayes usually does the, like... Oh, yeah, yeah. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook.

It's the... Oh, God. I have heard it, and I know it. I just don't... I can't rattle it off quite like he can. You can't have it written down in your phone or something? I don't. If you want – we can take a second.

I can look it up or something. It's the no-holds-barred look at the Hollywood inside of the – Okay. Okay. So for everyone listening at home, Hayes isn't here today. Normally we wouldn't have done an episode. The show is called Hollywood Handbook. It's an inside man's guide to kicking butts and big names.

Big names. And the red carpet lined. So you don't know it either. Well, it's not my job to know it. It's Hayes' Hayes does that part and the part I know is what up, what up

and people like that part and they like his too. But anyway, he's not here and that's okay. We have my sometime assistant, you know, writing partner and it's quote marks around that.

Dominic Dirkus and he, I called him just to say look, we don't have Hayes. I'm canceling the show this weekend. So try to set up a lunch for me with one of the people I've been putting off who wants to have lunch.

And this is Paula Abdul or one of these women. Do you want me to put Paula Abdul on the list of people to have lunch with? Yeah, well, I wasn't finished. Oh, sorry. And then I told Dom, set up one of those lunches, and then he called me back and said, you can't cancel the show even though you don't have Hayes. We've got to do it this weekend, and tell him why. Because we got a – I got a good guest.

I got an iconic Hollywood blonde. That's right. He said he's got a good guest. I got a iconic Hollywood blonde. That's right. He said he's got a great guest, an iconic Hollywood blonde, and I put two and two together. I said it must be Miss Goldie Hawn, and it is Goldie Hawn, and she's going to be here in the studio. I don't know how you guys are friends, but I'm a huge fan. Private Benjamin, Wildcats, Overboard, House Sitter. First Wives Club.

First Wives Club. Foul Play. Yep. Laugh-In. And she's doing all the movies and she's just such a delight. And she's one of these inside-out actors. She brings herself to the role, you know, and you always are happy to see her. Yeah, yeah, it'll be exciting to talk with her in just a few minutes.

So the fact that you came through like this, Dom, and I have not always been the nicest guy to you, and I think you see why I'm so tough on you now, because it made you step up big in a big moment. Yes, you being tough on me really made me, really kind of created this whole situation. Exactly, because sometimes people need, and this is how Christian Laettner was to his teammates at Duke, they need to be sort of smacked in the head a little bit to light that fire inside them, and ask Bobby Hurley. So that's what I did for Dom, and here we are, and he finally stepped up, and I owe him an apology,

and I owe him a few. Wow. And this is something I've never done for you, but now that you actually delivered, And this is something I've never done for you, but now that you actually delivered, Dom, I'm sorry for some of the ways I treated you over the years that may have seemed a little extreme. The obvious stuff, taking 85% of your salary because we, of course, have shared credit on these scripts, but you know that you don't contribute nearly as much. Thank you for apologizing for that. You never kind of said that was wrong.

You always said that was fair. Well, it's fair. It is fair, but I want to apologize because I know sometimes you've said, can I have a little bit of money because something would happen like you were hungry or you couldn't pay your rent. And I would say you're not. Yes, those were the two big ones that I feel like I would get the most. Yeah. And I would be, you know, in the interest of having you stand on your own two feet,

I would be hesitant to give you that money. And as a result, I would not do it. I will say that I am sorry for some of the names I've called you. I'm sorry for slapping you in front of your dad and your at that time girlfriend. And I'm sorry for paying your dad to slap you in front of your at that time girlfriend and in front of me. I just wish I'd known you were coming home with me and my girlfriend for Christmas that year. I just didn't know that was something we were planning on doing.

Well, and this brings me to the next thing, which is I'm sorry for trying to prove to you that your girlfriend or at that time fiance was the wrong woman for you by sleeping with her. wrong woman for you by sleeping with her and i'm sorry that i then married her and fathered several children with her yeah it was a long time ago i mean i'd be lying if i said that didn't still hurt it was it's something that it stings but you kind of see also that you were headed down a bad path and she was willing to do that with me who knows what would have happened yeah like you've told me multiple times i mean if if i'd been better that i found out and better than i found out from someone who's a good i mean friend work you know who i've had such a strong working relationship good boss yeah such a good good boss i'm sorry that i one time took your toothbrush to a petting zoo and tried to

brush all the animals teeth with it i never knew about that one yes you must have broken into my house yes oh god wow i i accept these i accept this apology and i'm sorry for all the hidden camera footage i then would watch of you brushing your teeth with that brush and just laugh and laugh with your at that time ex-fiance who i was married to stephy graff yes yeah i mean stephy uh stephy and i really uh uh had i thought we had something and i appreciate you showing me that we didn't i also appreciate uh wow i i always thought that my t because my t i had a really bad gum disease for like a month oh yeah yeah and yeah. And it was kind of inexplicable. And the human doctors really didn't know what to make of it.

No, I had to go to a vet thing. I had to go to a vet. The human doctors told me to go to a vet, and they said, you have goat gingivitis. And I will take credit for I did, after you kept complaining the doctors don't know what to make of it, it's getting worse and worse, I did slip an anonymous note into your mailbox that said, check the vet. Yeah, it said, check the vet. And it was so cryptic, I had to.

Yes. I went to the vet. I showed him the note, and he said, I don't know what to make of this. Let me take a look at your gums. And then around about that time, I figured out I had goat gingivitis, and I just, you know, anyway.

This puts a lot of clarity. Yeah, it really is water. And you came through big. And is there anything I'm leaving out, Dom? Because I want to cover it all because I do owe you this now that you have proven to be, I mean, a better guest finder than Hayes and almost as good as me. Yeah. No, look, honestly, it makes me a little uncomfortable having so much,

getting so many apologies. You know, it's not a big deal. Well, get it while it's hot, you know? I mean, this thing doesn't come around that often. I'm not always in this kind of mood. No, I mean, you've told me several times that you do not apologize. You only look forward, you said. You only have one direction.

Yes, I only go in one direction. R.I.P. Zane. And so in that direction is R.I.P. Zane. And so in that direction. Did he die? To me, he did when he broke up with a wonderful musical group. Oh, I just got a text. I think our guest is downstairs. Okay.

Well, listen up, kiddies. When we come back, we're going to take a quick break, I think our guest is downstairs. Okay. Well, listen up, kiddies. When we come back, we're going to take a quick break, and then you are going to be listening to the one, the only, Miss Goldie Hawn, comedic screen legend. And, guys, I couldn't be more excited. And thanks for all the questions that you sent in, and I just can't wait. And thank you, Dom, and i don't say it enough and you're a good assistant and you're a good man uh thanks um yeah thanks uh so here we go and

we'll be right back on hollywood handman hand hand handbook don't i don't it's it's just let me explain don't even i knew you were gonna be mad okay i didn't you can understand stop it now what up what up now welcome to hollywood ham ham ham ham man ham welcome to hollywood ham book and, Ham Man. Ham, welcome to Hollywood Ham Book. And it's the, and it's the inside guide to, to crimping butts and, and, and, and, and, and, and drinking names. Shut up. And it's, and it's, stop.

Now, stop it. I'm going to get through it. Can you do it? No, no, I can't do it. I can't. Can you do it? Do it. No, I, it's.

Because you knew that Hayes wasn't going to be here to do this part. And as an assistant, you should have taken that as a responsibility to be able to say the part that he says. Did you even think about that? I guess I thought I could put my own little spin. It could be like a fun thing. You know, like it's like, oh, it's not Hayes, but here's something fun. Well, guys, here we go. So the guest that we have today is, in fact, is not Goldie Hawn,

and that is because Dom's a liar. And what is actually in the studio now is not even really a guest and not a welcome one, and it's his friend, Scuzzman. What up? The Scuzzman is here. Wow. This is a pretty – I've never been in a place like this, man. It's pretty sweet. Indoors? You don't look like it.

Usually I'm not indoors. Usually I'm out just like chilling by the beach, you know? Well, every- Catching some waves. Hey man, you need to chill, dude. Well, I'm not going to chill. Thanks for the advice, Scuzz Man. dude i'm well i'm not gonna chill thanks for the advice scuzz man now scuzz man for people who don't know and why would you is dom's beach volleyball friend that's right yeah why don't you tell them how you guys met i met uh so first of all i do want to apologize that this isn't goldie hawn i i i felt pretty trapped you know uh really when you guessed goldie hawn when i said

it's an iconic Hollywood blonde, I mean, Scuzzman's got this, like, waist-length blonde hair. I have these gorgeous locks, and I'm iconic around the beach. And I don't even think he's part of Hollywood. Yeah, I mean, I guess that's... Didn't you meet him on Long Beach? I met him on... Okay, so the way I met Scuzzman is...

Sean, you know, I've talked to you about this. I have crippling writer's block. like frequently, like every other sentence. It's bad. Crippling writer's block. I often say you never had an idea. Yeah, yeah. I've never, yeah, I never met an idea that I, I never met an idea. I'm surprised by it a lot, your writer's block.

Scuzzman, you're surprised? Yeah, it's, you're, you're just really crippled by it. Yeah, well, and that's what brought me to the beach. That's how I met Scuzzman, you're surprised? Yeah. You're just really crippled by it. Yeah. Well, and that's what brought me to the beach. That's how I met Scuzzman. I was like, because I read this. I have a stack of books on how to write because I just am always looking for new tools. And one of them was like, change your environment.

Go to different settings. Try to write if you have writer's block. So I was like, okay. I went to the beach. I'm like, I'm going to go to the beach, open up my laptop. By the way, Scoop Troop, put away your pens during this section. Don't take any of the notes on anything that Dom has done because that's not a hot scoop on how to make it in Hollywood.

It's a scoop on how to lie. Well, maybe the Scoop Troop can learn. Maybe there's something you can learn what not to do. Don't talk to the Scoop Troop. Well, Scoop Troop, I just. Hang on. I talked to the Scoop Troop. Okay.

Can I talk to the Scoop Troop? Scuzz, man. Is that even a real question? Hey the Scoop Troop. Okay. Can I talk to the Scoop Troop? Scuzzman, is that even a real question? Hey, Scoop Troop. Get laid, get paid. You better not say it. Be responsible, Scoop Troop. Hey, I'm just having fun.

Get laid, get paid is like the first joke Scuzzman said to me. It really cracked me up. It's the only one I've heard him say. Anyway, I was at the beach, and I had my laptop laptop open i'm trying to grind my way through some scripts uh and boom i get hit in the head with a beach volleyball oh yeah hits me in the head knocks into my laptop i'm i'm immediately mad but then scuzzman you came over oh yeah i came over and i smoothed it over people get hit in the head a lot by errant volleyballs. You know, I was just like, whoa, what's my little man doing over here? What's he doing?

He's like pounding away at the keys, really struggling. So, you know, I was like, oh, man, I'm so sorry that the volleyball hit you, but like what's going on? What's your deal? I don't usually see a lot of computers at the beach okay so my understanding i guess is that scuzz man has served as some kind of muse figure for you and you keep telling me that you've been doing more writing than you've ever done in your life now that you've partnered up with this well what man that's the term i've been using to muse muse figure. Muse figure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, call me that more.

Okay, okay, yeah. I love the – he has a lot of different ideas of things he wants me to call him. My kind of original thing with Scuzzman was like, oh, this guy just seems like a lot of fun. He just seems like a fun guy to hang out around. But then he looked over my shoulder at the screen. He started kind of pitching me some jokes yeah started pitching me some some stuff he started taking my computer out of my hands and typing and i was like so i'd like to tell my side of

of this story right now which is that dom who for all his faults as a writer and an assistant assistant has always been at his core a good boy thanks a nice boy and i like that about him and this scuzz man fellow is your quintessential bad influence and the behavior change and the change in dress and brett if you could get a photo dominic's hat is on backwards right now, which is something of a sort of hip-hop style to wear someone's hat, and I think that... Brett, are you getting the photo? I'm not yet getting the camera. Okay, Brett,

I've been let down by a few people already today, and I would appreciate it if you could just... I could have gotten rolling on for you. Be my rock. I don't know how to believe that anymore. But he's got

shades on indoors. He's got a backwards hat and he's doing some kind of gang sign with his hands. And I've never seen this kind of thing. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe Scuzzman made you try beer.

Is that true? Made me? He had some beers. I never, you know, I've never really. No, you didn't try beer because, first of all, I need you alert for when you're taking the notes. And I just don't like to lose control like that. But then I had, yeah, he gave me a beer.

I had a beer. It was fun. Yeah, it was fun. I a beer. I had a beer. It was fun. Yeah, it was fun. I liked it. It was all right. You think it was fun, Dom? Because you told me you hated the taste. At first, everyone hates the taste.

Wait, you told him that? Look. You love it, man. Yeah. Now, which is it? You took that beer bong real hard. A beer bong? I thought it was a sip from a can.

It started off as a sip from a can yeah yeah look look look it's not black and white here it's do i like the taste of beer no not not in first but i like the way it makes me feel and i like the way it makes me feel around scuzzman yeah he likes taking tylenol codeine to with it too what yeah sc Yeah, man. Sizzurp? Yeah. And alcohol. You're drinking purple drank? I didn't know that's what it was called. I just, honestly,

Scuzzman just hands me cups and he just keeps them. The styrofoam cups. What? On the expense report, there was a whole sleeve of styrofoam cups that I didn't use.

Yeah. Nice. It was Scuzzman. He tricked you into buying them. I... On my account. I expensed a bunch of Styrofoam cups to drink Scuzzman's booze.

For scissor. Look, okay. Is it a big deal, bro? I mean, it's just Styrofoam cups. I mean, what'd that set you back? Like $2, man? We had a good time. You know, we had a lot of ideas.

We had a lot of great ideas off that. That's $2 I man? We had a good time. You know, we had a lot of ideas. We had a lot of great ideas off that. That's $2 I worked for. I was doing whites and golds. It's a very important pilot. Whites and golds? Whites and golds? Whites and golds. About Jewish?

It's loosely about the dress, if you remember the dress. Oh, whites and golds. Yes. I thought you meant like whites like W-E-I-T-Z. Oh, okay. Like you were at a law firm or something. Like vites, you know? Yeah, like and gold. Yes. I thought you meant like whites, like W-E-I-T-Z. Oh, okay. Like you were a law firm or something. Like Weitz. You know, like Weitz.

He's got a lot of German, like, I don't know, man. He's got a lot of German. He does this German accent. I've been. Cracks me up. I was born on an army base in Germany, so I know a little bit of German. And, you know, my dad was in the army. Well, we can relate there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I was a farm orphan, but also my dad was in the Army. So I was something of a farmy brat. Oh, wow. I had to move around to different farms a lot. Wow. Hey, man, then, you know. Don't you dare find common ground with me, Scuzzman.

Our relationship might not be strained. Why? Please. That's all I'm about't you dare find common ground with me, Scuzz, man. Our relationship might not be strained. Why? Please. That's all I'm about is trying to find common ground with people. I mean, that's my deal. You don't even really play volleyball, do you? I mean, I don't. You were the coach of the team that I saw.

I was the coach. When I went down there to pick Dom up, and he was green to the gills because who knows what you put in him, but I went down to give him a ride home so he'd be safe. I saw you sitting on a cooler with your arm around what I could only describe as a honey. Yeah, exactly. That's not playing volleyball. That's not athletic. Hey man, that's part of playing volleyball, you know? I mean, I don't participate in the game. No, siding out is part of playing volleyball.

Bump set spike. Yes, those are all true things. An overhand serve. Those are all true things. A moon ball serve where you hit it up so high and they lose track in the sun. But let me tell you, let me ask you something. Who is there to, like, you know, provide people with encouragement or provide people with booze or scissor up while they play?

Maybe an older mentor figure. To attract some honeys to come after the game. Oh, you're playing on scissor. That's a great way to go to dig a ball and end up in the sand and hurt yourself. Now, my experience ever since you met Scuzzman has been there have been several attempts to get me to read the scripts that you two are working on together.

And a lot of times I'll go to open up a piece of my mail and I find that it's been opened and resealed with one of your scripts in there. And a lot of trickery has been used. I taught him that. It was printed out on my sheets at one point on my bed when I had you make my bed. I couldn't believe you didn't read it then. No, I couldn't because I don't read unsolicited material and even just from skimming it, some

of the language I saw was so offensive to me. Well, it's an R-rated cut. First of all, I just want, like, Scuzzman's completely opened up my writer's block. Like, my writer's block is gone. Like, he just, he's like a bulldozer, man. He just, we did this,

we did this kind of visualization exercise where he was helping me crash through the wall in my mind. Yeah. I showed him a piece of paper.

Yeah. And I held that up. And I was like, what do you think here? And I said, no, fuck that, man. You held up a piece And I was like, what do you think here? I said, no, fuck that, man.

You held up a piece of paper and said, what do you think here? Yeah. So then I'm left to ponder that. But then I crumpled it up and I said, fuck that,

man. Don't think about this. And then I showed him a donut and more items of food, like bagel. Yeah, he had a whole box of stuff. You start to sort of say

what they were. These are like round, doughy breakfast foods. yeah yeah was there a croissant as well there's a croissant there was a danish breakfast pretzel there was toast cut in a circle okay uh because that's how i eat toast english muffin maybe english, for sure. Yeah, so what did that result in? I identified all those foods, and he said, if you can do that, then you can write.

Then you can write. And man, I felt myself get overwhelmed with self-confidence. Yeah, and it was just a simple thing like that, just like looking at food. It's not that simple. Speaking speaking as a maybe for you it ain't professional screenwriter oh scuzz man don't you take that tone with me don't you condescend to me you're here for my help all right man i'm sorry i'm a guest i was just i was just bringing that stuff up to say that we've it's just this is the most prolific period of my career and i mean i guess at this point kind of our career means guzman a little bit i mean because we we we

collaborate on these scripts the script that the script that we're really really trying to get you to read is it's kind of a like modern day version of uh it's like an r-rated comedy it's like a dodgeball are you familiar with dodgeball whose idea was it to tell me a lie? Okay, so you're talking about Goldie Hawn. The Goldie Hawn thing. Yeah, I'm still not totally past it. I'm not totally past it. And we'll get back to dodgeball, a true underdog story.

Who's Goldie Hawn? Goldie Hawn. Disgusting, man! Oh, I hope that's a joke is this another jewish thing whoa okay okay he's a scuzz man scuzz man i told him not to do it today but he has some very good humor in that area uh yeah i don't know that i play the cat skills i play i mean i've seen i've i've played the cat skills a bunch yeah that's what i mean've seen, I've played the Catskills a bunch. Yeah, that's what I mean. He's played the Catskills a lot, so he has a lot of humor. Did you catch yourself in a lie and then decide to double down on it?

That's what it felt like. Hey, man, that's what I say. Sometimes I lie, and then I teach people how to lie. I mean, it's kind of my thing. You believe me that I played into Catskills. Catskills couldn't hold me. I gotta be in the sun. Yeah, Catskills can't hold you.

Put that down. I'll write that in the script here. We'll figure out who's saying it to who later. I'm so specific. They just got scuzzed. Got scuzzed. Every time I come up with a sweet joke, that's what I say. That's a sweet joke. Catskills can't hold me.

I gotta be in the sun. Wow. I wonder who's saying that. I feel like I'm going crazy. Anyway, you asked me about Goldie Hawn. Well, I just want to know because Dominic, you'd never lied to me before. You'd let me down, but you had never lied.

And I guess that's what made this hurt so much. You texted me and you said there's not going to be a show this week because Hayes is gone, Hayes is out of town or wherever Hayes is. And I thought, no. He's in space with Lance Bass. Is that right? He and Lance Bass are doing some stuff on the moon. I missed out on that. You missed out

on that, Scuzzman? Yeah. Oh yeah, Scuzzman was supposed to go to the moon. But I... Had a game. Had a game? Yeah. V-ball. Volleyball on the moon? So you could do the ultimate moon ball? I had a game. I couldn't make it.

Oh, okay. I thought you were saying you had a game scheduled on the moon. He's not. Write it down. I wish. You can't write that down. That's mine. But it's sort of like something that the Scuzzman said.

It's 75% mine. So I'll leave a quarter of the joke off. I don't know about those numbers. I only lied because I thought, you said we, we said we need a guest. And I thought, this is my time to step up.

Hayes isn't there. They don't have a guest. This is my time to really show Sean that I can deliver in a moment where he didn't expect me to. And in a moment where, where everything's on the line. And so I said, I'll get you a great guest. And then you started pressing me a little bit for details.

You started pressing me for who it is, physical descriptions. That seemed fair. Yeah, in hindsight, I guess it is fair. But at the time, I felt very panicked. I felt pressured. I felt cornered. I felt like a little bullied, you know? Scuzzman's kind of helped me identify times in my life where people are bullying me and I don't even realize it.

Yeah, dude. So, you know, forgive him for saying whoever the fuck this is, Goldie Hawn. I mean, you know, you sort of were just riding him. He had a lot of opportunities to correct me. We did a nine-minute intro where I apologized for a series of wrongs. And I really appreciate that. All apologies predicated on, well, you shouldn't because it's all gone now. It's undone.

And it was all predicated on the idea that he had gotten me one of my favorite actresses and top two from First Wives Club for me. Oh, okay. Her, I think, Elizabeth Berkley. Oh, yeah. Oh, Elizabeth Berkley? Yes.

And her were probably the two best actresses in that film. Now, I wouldn't- Okay, I sort of see what you're saying now. I didn't know about that intro and stuff and your favorite actress. I don't know, Dom. Scuzzman. You're right.

You're right, Scuzzman. Finding more common ground. You listen to him, but not me. Well, Scuzzman, Sean, this is just, your criticism is helpful, but Scuzzman just holds up a mirror. He has a way of framing it that seems to really get through to you. Yeah, it was messed up for me to lie,

and I knew Goldie Hawn was your favorite actress. I knew she was one of them. And I thought, and believe me, I tried to get her as soon as I committed to it. I had a simple question, which was whose idea was it to lie? And it hasn't really been made clear. Mine. I guess it was you. It was Scuzzman.

Scuzzman told me. It was totally mine. I said, what am I supposed to do? He said, lie. Okay, that's all I wanted to know. Oh, sorry. Now you're comparing your script to dodgeball. Yes.

We got a fast-talking Vince Vaughn type? A little bit. I mean, the name of it is, it's kind of a more heightened dodgeball. It's volleyball, a real underdog story. And so it's about this sport that people don't normally associate with being, with adults playing competitively. It's a great title. Well, we're here to do the show.

I guess we might as well do a table read of it. I don't have any other material because it was all going to be Goldie Hawn stuff. So let's just... I have a script here in front of me and let's start reading some of the scenes from Volleyball, A Real Underdog Story, which I have to admit is a good title.

And Scuzzman, that was yours? That was all me. Yeah, Scuzzman. I picked the font That was all me. Yeah, Scuzzman. I picked the font on the cover page. Yeah, he was really good on the font. Okay, I think we could probably go with a different font, and I'm thinking in something sort of a graffiti style. Do you feel me, Scuzzman?

Holy shit. Kinda. Graffiti? Yeah. Okay, I thought Comic Sans was funny because it's a comedy. Like graffiti, is that a font or just like we just use just use spray paint it's sort of a street wild style thing yeah okay remember when we watched uh exit through the gift shop together i do remember that yeah yeah yeah that was uh that's that's kind of graffiti wow all right banks i was wondering why that had been viewed recently on my Netflix queue. Oh, yeah.

You watched my movie. Well, you don't. About me. Thanks for that. Thanks for that, too. You watched my movie about me and all my work that I did, and now you have me on air, admitting that I'm Banksy practically. Practically. We stopped just short of it, so maybe it's fine.

And this will get edited out, I'm sure, Brett. Now, what did you say? Sorry, I didn't hear you. Oh, what? Oh, really? Do you have your headphones on? No, I can put them on. I think they should be on, since you're the sound engineer.

Don't blame him, man. Scuzzman was showing him some pictures on his phone. Scuzzman, don't blame him, man. Scuzzman was showing him some pictures on his phone. Yeah. Scuzzman, are those beaver pics? Yeah, they are. Yeah.

Pics of beavers. I can see from here. So awesome. Fixing dams in Oregon. Hell yeah. He's got so many nature photos. I think me and Brett

might take a trip there. Okay, well, we've been talking about it. figure out the details off the air. You just met Brett. You've been talking about taking a trip there? Yeah, well, we've been texting. I thought we were going to see the coast. Huh?

I thought we were going to... We're all going to go. Because, man, what is this magic you have in you? Every person you meet... I'm telling you, it's just this magnetism. You know? It just comes from chill vibes. I don't know how long I can stay immune to it.

A fellow farming brat. I'm surprised that you've stayed this long immune to it. Let's read the scenes. Okay. Volleyball, a real underdog story by Scuzzman and the Dahmer? Is that what you're having people call you? Yeah. You saw that.

You caught that? You caught that my name was the Dahmer? Yeah, well, it's written. Scuzzman and the Dahmer. We just wanted to brand ourselves differently from the work we do together. Exterior, volleyball beach. Scuzzman is chilling and people are liking what he's doing. The Dahmer, he's there too, and he's all right.

The Dahmer says something to Scuzzman. Now, guys, you could have just started the dialogue. You don't have to say, and you should know this, Dom, from doing scripts with me. But what Scuzzman pointed out was that a lot of times you want to see the moment where the character gears up and decides to talk. Like, you know what I mean? The moment before words come out, the moment where kind of someone's like. The moment where the choice is made. Yeah, so that's why he, you know.

So he says he stands up and he takes a deep breath and he begins. It doesn't say that, though. Right, but that's implied in the says. Okay. I mean, we're going to do that on camera. You're going to see that on camera. Yeah. So we might as well write it out.

Should I just read for the Dahmer, Scuzzman? Do you want to read for Scuzzman? Should we just do it that way? Yeah, why don't you read the Dahmer and then Scuzzman can read Scuzzman. It's a little different. Usually I'm Dahmer and you're Scuzzman. Yeah, normally when we do our table reads, we kind of switch it. We'll do it that way yeah why don't you read the dommer and then scuzz man it's a little different usually i'm dumb yeah normally when we do our table reads we kind of switch it but we'll do it we'll do it this way okay uh what up scuzz man hey what's up what are you writing there dude nothing hey i was checking out that chick you were talking to oh yeah the one with

the big boobs and the one with the to Oh yeah the one with the big boobs And the one with the nice butt No the one with the bigger boobs And the nicer butt Oh her What about her man Guys the way you're talking about women in this thing That doesn't seem okay to me

What are we saying that's bad Well you're really objectifying them and i i just i'm just stating what what it is that she has this is something that the scuzz man has told me he's sick of and i've kind of started to be like maybe i'm sick of it too this notion that we can't physically describe people to differentiate them you know like if there's a if there's a black guy in the room you can't be like whoa whoa it's the black guy or if there's a woman you can't be like oh it's the one with big tits or what i like that's that's even worse than what's in the script yeah Whoa, whoa, whoa. descriptive racial and and and sexual humor that scuzzman's really opened my mind up to i guess as i think about it how do you differentiate them i mean is a true way to describe someone

to say what their physical appearance is is the scuzzman right and no people shouldn't be reduced to that now so but now a new character enters the scene here it says some lame old car pulls up and some and some whiny old pussy gets out and this guy really has a stick in his butt and he looks like he just ate a whole bunch of lemonade, no sugar. Now, do you like that description? Like that metaphor? That actually is based on a real thing that happened with me and this guy when we were writing this. Because he took a big sip of lemonade. He asked me to make him up a big thing of lemonade. And I did, but I forgot.

I thought lemons were sweet enough on their own. But it's just, it was so. Yeah, it was no sugar. I was like, what is this shit? And when he made that face, I was like what is this shit and when he made a face when he made that face I was like that looks exactly like uh well you know the character character character do you want to read that guy is this because the scuzz man and domer seem to be based on you guys is this character based on someone you know well every thing you know you were you kind of write what you know. You're inspired by people you spend time with.

Yeah, yeah. And you know, I would say I don't think so. Okay, well. But if you want to read for him. You can read. I mean, you might as well. I mean, unless Brett wants to read. But I think you probably should read this one.

Okay, well, it says, Shane Clomance, a true wiener head. The audience is going to like that part. Starts talking to the guys. I don't know why you need to see them decide to talk every time. I feel like they could just do it. Otherwise, it's just like, think about how weird it is to just have a character standing there motionless and then just like, bah, just start talking. That's so strange.

That's what I always think when I'm reading scripts. I'm like, wait, what? Why are words coming out? Why are words coming out of this guy's mouth right now? We didn't see this guy wind up at all. Well, here we go. I'll read Shane's lines. It says...

There's a parenthetical. Yes, there's a reader on it, parenthetical. It says, like a little bitch. Hi, guys. My cool friend Hayes ditched me, so now I'm going to come hang out with you because normally I'm sucking on his thing and just got my thumb up his ass all day,

and then whenever he has something better to do, which is a lot, then I come and talk down to you guys because I'm a total fucking loser. Oh, Shane. Hey, what's in that cup you're drinking? It's water. I like to be hydrated. Okay, this is sounding familiar to me, guys. This is sounding, this scene at the beach,

because this is a lot like when I came to pick you up at the beach, Dom. And I don't know if this is exactly what I said about hayes but i may have said something similar about on his thing this is seem this is seeming well the thumb up his butt thumb up his butt part yeah well look i mean you've talked about i've watched you kind of you know go like you've talked about going to the library before and just kind of people watching or going to starbucks and writing down what people say to kind of use it and i feel like we're just kind of doing that yeah exactly well and sort of like right writing you know but library starbucks was a huge hit film that i that i produced i mean that's this that was a piece of art look it wasn't about that specific i wasn't trying to say that was bad.

Well, that's the specific you used. Yes, I know. Library of Starbucks was really good. Yes, I know. It single-handedly raised awareness of libraries. Giovanni Ribisi was revelatory. Yes. I actually saw that, and I loved it.

Oh, did you catch it? Yeah. Oh, thank you, Scuzman. Yeah, it was actually... Did you get it? No. No, me neither. No, I didn't get it um no no me neither no i didn't get it yeah me neither but you know rubisi and libraries is something i thought i would never care for when i watched that which i didn't think i'd like it either i don't even know how i watched it i just kind of like it was on netflix I played it on the net.

Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right. Stay out of my queue. Sorry, does it skew your recommendations? Now, this script, this feels like it's... Oh, I'm not going to fall for that again. Please, what's the password? Like, I'm just going to sit here and go, I am Banksy is the...

Okay. Uh-oh. Okay, well... Okay, good. what's the password like i'm just gonna sit here and go i am banksy is the pat okay oh okay well okay we're editing that out too brett now now this script and this scene feels a lot like when i came to pick you up and i'm very disturbed in skimming the next stage direction which is stage direction, which is Shane looks away for a moment to admire the sunset like some kind of weird little panty waist. And Scuzzman and the Dahmer have just enough time to slip some drink into his stupid, weak little baby water glass. So I think what we're hoping here, I mean, because we're, what, like one page in? And already we've established a real dynamic between our kind of three leads. You know, there's like, there's the scuzz man who you know where he's coming from.

There's the dommer. And you're like, okay, this guy's got something happening. And then there's this kind of fucking panty waste. I mean, that was a little bit of a... Yeah, we got the cool guy. We got the guy who's going to be cool. And then we got the real fucking nerd dick. Well, nerds is cool.

That's true. Nerds is cool now. Excuse me, man. It's cool to be nerds is cool. That's true. Nerds is cool now, Scuzzman. It's cool to be nerds. Crack a podcast now and then. Yeah, really. I'm sorry. I just used the Netflix account about all the media I can handle. Yeah.

Too much media, Scuzzman freaks out. I watched him just consume way too much media one night. Dude went bananas. You're just overstimulated. You can't. I can't. Yeah. scuzz man freaks out i watched him get just consume way too much media one night and dude went bananas you're just over stimulated you can't i can't yeah i just need i just need the sun and babes and booze uh but if i get too much media social media i'm actually one eighth name american oh oh i understand being more in touch with the earth than with the necessarily okay well uh with the media and the screens. And one thing I've said about these screens is that they're supposed to be connecting us, but they're kind of...

But they're not. Sometimes they're actually, well, they're kind of driving us apart. Yeah, they're not connecting us. I guess that's a simpler way to say it. Skullsman's cool, huh? I'm not there yet. Okay, all right. You not there yet. Okay. All right.

All right. You're cool too. I didn't know you liked sunsets. I guess. We put it in the script. So Skuzzman, I thought, I thought you, or I mean, you know, a lot of times when I write something, I just forget about it. Yeah.

Yeah. That's why it's always good. There's a file or that writing necessitates that there'll be a physical record. It's always good. I could read it again and be like oh yeah yeah i guess that is helpful so did you really put drink in my cup because i had the craziest night did you you had you had a wild night after after we hung out yeah oh really? Did you get in your car and drive? In fact, I did and that's pretty dangerous.

Yeah, I guess it is. I mean, if you... I woke up in my neighbor's garden. Whoa. Oh, I wonder what happened. Well, I know what happened. I thought I saw a groundhog And I started chasing it And then I tripped over a bunch of carrots

Oh, that's right, you've been gardening And I hit my head pretty hard Well, no, I haven't been gardening I was in my neighbor's garden Oh, that was your neighbor's garden, I'm sorry I thought maybe you've been gardening That's a nice garden I've been by

What? Why? You pinched Guzman to my yeah well well because we need sometimes we have to post up and we need some wi-fi to use and we need to get online so we sit in the car we so i rent like a plumbing van and we sit in the back of it invasive i i would think you would know that i haven't been gardening because my dad won't let me have one. Oh, he didn't? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that that was it. I guess it reminds him too much of his farming days. Yeah.

Does he ever talk about his time and his farming days? Like whether or not he had, like, I don't know. Not much, no. He gets real quiet when that stuff comes up. Yeah. Yeah, I can relate. Not much, no. He gets real quiet when that stuff comes up.

Yeah. Yeah, I can relate. My dad won't let me have an army base or go near any tanks. Wow. Because it reminds me of Ryan's army days. And does he have those things to provide you? Sure, of course. He could give it to me anytime. He just chooses not to.

Yeah. That's can be withholding, but that's because they care about you. It reminds him of his army Yeah. That's can be withholding, but that's because they care about you. It reminds him of his army days. It's to make you tough. To make you tough. And that's what I am. So I want to skip ahead a few scenes to...

Great. Because that scene, yeah, that scene is a little long. Yes, it goes on for another 41 pages. Well, 10 of those are a nap. Yeah, I mean, that's a note right off the bat. I don't know that you want to have a nap that long in what is essentially still the first scene. Right.

Well, we show what's going on during the nap. What do you mean? During the nap, we're seeing what... It's not like he takes a nap, screen goes black, and then we don't... You see what happens during the nap. He's just lying down napping, right? Yeah, you see the nap.

But you see it, you know, he could turn over or just yawn. There's so much stuff he could do. Yeah, that we haven't written in there. But he could. It's just naps for Ted pages yeah it's it's just z's it should just be z's for 10 pages like the kind of cartoon sleep yeah well yeah it says right here it says scuzz man starts catching z's so he can be on his a game and i guess that's some play on the alphabet. It's a fun, yeah, it's just a fun alphabet joke. I've been getting a lot more into word humor since Scuzzman, kind of.

Yeah, I've been. Just subtle tricks of like turns of phrases. Give me another example, Scuzzman. Okay. Hey, man, mind your P's and Q's. Ooh, I got to go take a pee. Yeah. It's just two different ways to use pee you know and it's it's that i mean

that one because i drank too much well some rank it was you gotta add that at the end because uh mind your p's and q's because i gotta go p so bq because like q meaning quiet because he can't pee if someone's talking um but that's anyone say bq in oh outside of that joke uh yeah like like it's not a normal enough phrase to kind of turn is that what you're saying oh i say it all the time that's great yeah i say it all the time i say it all the time to my honeys i say hey babe bq and he's gonna say it more and more so that by the time the script circulates, I mean, I don't want to go too far down this rabbit hole, but is that confusing because you are so frequently attending a BBQ? It is very confusing.

I sort of, but I get like the intonation, you know, like the way you say B and Q. I sort of can decipher the difference. More things that you can learn if you hang out with the Scuzzman. Well, but yeah, if you want to skip ahead a few scenes, we're happy to kind of... Scoop, troop. I kind of want to skip to the end. Okay. So in this last scene,

Scuzzman and the Dahmer are standing in the back of a flatbed pickup truck. Their arms each around two honeys, which basically has been the description of them for all of the scenes since that first one. There's one scene in the middle where they don't have honeys on their arm and we actually kind of speak to it. Like we have someone call it out. But then the honeys immediately. Okay, well, a bald eagle flies by Scuzzman

and gives him a thumbs up with his wing because he thinks Scuzzman's so cool. The Dahmer also thinks Scuzzman's cool. But guess who don't? That little bitch Shane. And guess what he's doing? Getting beat up by Frankenstein. And he speaks.

And then should I read his line? Oh, okay, if you want. Yeah. Ow, I deserve this, Frankenstein. Thank you for beating me up. Now this is too scary for kids. Well, read your lines. Okay.

Man, we sure did, didn't we, Scuzzman? Hell yeah. Man, I think I'm going to keep that bald eagle. And I think I'm going to keep that Frankenstein. Yeah. Yeah. This is too scary of an idea to keep it. And is this your plan for me?

I mean, this character seems like it's based on me. Are you working on a Frankenstein? Sean, you know what? Working on a Frankenstein? No. I don't even know what that would... Collecting... We'd have to be collecting body parts or something.

Yeah. Which I don't even know where we'd find that. No, we don't. I mean, I do, but like... Yeah, Scuzzman does. I could get you a body part easily. And you know what, dude? Guess what?

Should I tell him? Tell him. What? That character is based upon you. Oh, no! I thought it might be. You need a cool, refreshing drink splashed in your face.

I hope that doesn't happen. Well, I hope that doesn't happen. If we had a drink around here, I would do it. Well, they're not allowed in the studio. Brett's too scared about the mics and stuff. We've had some incidents where I use the mics

in ways that made Brett pretty uncomfortable. Oh, okay. You want water? Uh, yeah, sure. Scuzz man can have water? Oh, yeah. I've been told I'm not allowed to have water in here. Yeah, but I don't know. I like this guy. He's cool. No, he's not. That's not cool.

This keeps happening to me all the time. Giving me things that I shouldn't get. Alright, forget it. Okay, look, forget the script. I'm not going to sign on for this, especially now that I know it's me and now that I know you're trying to make a Frankenstein. Beat me up. Now, we were supposed to have Goldie Hawn,

so I got a lot of questions for her from the Popcorn Gallery, and we're going to ask the questions. We don't have to do this, Sean. No, we're going to ask them, and we're going to ask the questions. We don't have to do this, Sean. No, we're going to ask them and we're going to ask us, man. So Dom, go ahead and sing the popcorn gallery theme song. Uh, uh, God, fuck. I am popcorn gallery asking questions from the internet. Keep going.

The questions are for the guests we have on the show and they come from the message boards and the emails and the Twitters. Popcorn Gallery. Now, I don't know if that's right or not, because I don't know if I've actually heard the song, but I don't have it with me. Usually, Hayes has it with me. And so there's nothing I can do.

You're so mad, Sean. We don't have to ask these Goldie Hawn questions. He can't, Scuzzman. No, no, no. We should, we should, we should. Should I answer as Goldie Hawn? Or as this Scuzzman? Or as both?

Or as the Dahmer? Oh, he can answer as me. Or as that bald eagle. Sometimes he's me better than I am. I really want to keep that bald eagle. I think we'll keep it. I think the big note from Sean was about Frankenstein. Right.

Well, just lose Frankenstein. Right, just lose Frankenstein. Replace it with something else. Okay, okay. You know what I mean? I think otherwise it seemed like he responded. But, but. Okay.

So usually Hayes collects the questions and stuff. Did you do that, Dom? Did I collect? No, no, I didn't collect the questions. I can look on my phone. I can see if there's... Okay, so this question, Goldie, is from Ben Goobers. Goldie, have you ever gone swimming in a lake and touched your feet on the muck?

It's gross, right? I'm sorry. Do you have the sound clips? Do you have the sound bites from Mark, the sound drops? No. What are we going to do? I can't just make them with my mouth, Dom. I can try to make a sound with my mouth.

Okay, well, do the sound of the question being pulled out. That's like a home improvement thing. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, we can't use that. No, I like that. No, it's copyrighted. Oh, okay, sorry, sorry. Yeah, that's that. We can't use it. No, I like that. No, it's copyrighted. Oh, okay, great, great, great, great. Okay.

Have you ever gone swimming in a lake and touched your feet on the muck? It's gross, right? Oh, God, that's such a goldie question. Oh, yeah, it's gross. Would rather be not in a lake. I'd rather be like, I don't know, chilling with you, Bangoobers. He's going to like you too now. Okay.

Huh? Okay. Okay, here, this question is from Bruce Reed Robinson II. Madam Goldie, what was your favorite part of working on Private Benjamin? I don't know how you're going to be able to answer this. Oh, yeah, I saw that. I saw that movie. Okay.

That's your answer? Hey, are these questions for the Scuzzman or Goldie Hawn? Well, Scuzzman, what do you want me to do? I didn't know that you were going to be the guest just try to give what all right oh goldie hawn would say okay private benjamin do you think she'd start like that yeah she she would she so okay she would go well first she would go. Well, first she would gear up to talk. Okay, Goldie Hawn says. You would watch her gear up to talk. I guess she'd have a bit of a wind up. Yeah, Goldie says, and then.

Goldie Hawn says, Private Benjamin was a movie that I worked on, and I had a lot of fun. This is bad. Scott's man should have been there there But he wasn't born yet Do you think she would have wished that you were there? Mm-hmm Ha ha ha More power Okay

Okay, Scuzzman Here's another one This is from Keith Urban Dictionary Miss Hahn What is, do you think, of your daughter's new line of exercise clothes for women? Um Goldie Hawn says, oh, who's my daughter again? Kate Hudson. Oh, Goldie Hawn says, Kate Hudson.

Don't help him, Dom. Sorry. Goldie Hawn says Kate Hudson's line of clothing is really good. Very good for babes. We have a new shirt designed by the Scuzzman called the Bahama Mama. It's got flowers, coconuts, and pineapples. You can buy it now through scuzzman.com wait a minute scuzzman has a website he's plugging you're plugging your website and you have shirts for sale we can't get

shirts for sale for this show oh yeah man well you know a lot i got like a lot of my babes doing it because i don't like to i don't like to concern myself with too much media. What are these, Brainiac babes? They're very smart. They're smarter than me. They're smarter than all of us put together in this room. I don't think so, Tim. Okay, I got one more question for you.

For Goldie Hawn. Well, this one is for Kurt Russell. Unfortunately, this one is for Kurt Russell. Unfortunately, this one is for Kurt Russell. Okay. It says, Kurt Russell, when are you going to put a ring on it? So I should do it

as Kurt Russell. I don't know, Scuzzman! I don't know what to do, okay? I say just do it as what Goldie Hawn thinks of Kurt Russell. Well, uh... ever since Overboard, I've always loved you. So I'm going to do it right now. Will you marry me? That's Kurt?

Oh, wow. That's so sweet. What does Goldie say? Okay, what would Goldie say? Goldie says, no. What's Scuzzman going to do? Scuzzman goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Kurt, Goldie, Goldie.

Just do it, man. Just get married. It's okay. It's fine. You guys did Overboard. You did Private Benjamin. You did Mr. Mom. You did Mom. You did Mom.

You did all these movies together. So, like, you know, you should union yourselves in holy matrimony. What do you think they were doing in Mr. Mom? Yeah, who were they in Mr. Mom? They were the babies. I don't remember them in there. Oh, that's right. They were who?

The babies. They were the babies. Oh, yeah, the one who loves his blanket. Every mom has babies, yeah. They were like shrunk down like Marlon Wayans in that movie. Oh, you're thinking of Honey, I Shrunk the Kid? Right, that's what I'm thinking of, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Okay.

What's that Netflix password again? Hey, man. I gotta watch more movies. Yeah, he's... Scuzz man. I like him. I am Banksy, more movies. Yeah, he's... Scuzzman. I like him. I am Banksy, I think. Oh, yeah.

I am Banksy. Thank you. Brett, and I'll edit out you saying that. I'm going to go on it right now on my phone. Will you two stop figuring out your handshake, Brett and Scuzzman? Again, this can all happen after the show. There's way too many steps. You're never going to remember all these.

Explode. Can I add, like, what are the odds that you'll pass along Scuzzman and I's script to our agent? I know you don't let me talk to our agent. I was wondering if maybe you could pass this along. We could attach you to produce or... I got to take a long, hard look in the mirror after some of this stuff today.

Or executive produce? Yeah, you could EP it it you could supervising produce because man watching the way you let's see wait hold on let me pull out some credits very easily won over brett the way you settled that ugly argument between kurt russell and guldy hahn just now and all these other things, I just have to wonder if the problem lies with me. Hey, it's an off week, you know? Hayes is gone. I wouldn't draw too many conclusions just from this. Let him think.

Let him think about it. It was a bad episode because Hayes is gone. I don't know if it's a bad episode. I think we had fun. We got the screenplay out there a little bit. We got some fun. It's pretty good if i could remove from the if i could remove the idea that it's me in here these are some

very well-drawn characters and it's a pretty good observation that i am downright shocked when people begin speaking in movies most of the time yeah you really realize that it's that moment before yes yeah well sometimes they have them start talking off screen yeah and then that at that point i know where is that coming from the worst it's so disorienting that's the way i shut it off yeah you have to yeah if i'm in a movie theater i just shut it off i know uh-uh well look scuzz manman, Colt Barton bought the pro version this week. So I guess maybe you could use his name in one of your raps.

Oh, okay. Wow. Sure. As a prize for buying the pro version. Yeah. Do you want a beat or anything? Yeah, yeah, give me a beat. You drop beats? He tossed, I mean, I started a little bit. All anything? Yeah, give me a beat. You drop beats?

I mean, I started a little bit. All right. Well, let's hear it. I'm better when I'm hocked up. I like to just insert myself into some circles when I'm just chilling on the Venice boardwalk and shit like that. So I'll give you a sample of one of my rhymes Colt Barton why you fartin get up and go to the bathroom you got a poop dude come on don't hold it in your pants that's for cats I love cats I got a lot of cats in my house

They chillin' with my babes And my grouse I got a grouse Yeah That was a dope rhyme Thank you I didn't see that grouse thing coming So

Sorry I spit all over this microphone Anyway Skuzzman thanks for rapping and thanks for saving the show I obviously can't do it I'm not the greater aspect of the show so like us on Facebook

and talk to us on the forums talk to Hayes and go on iTunes and invest in Scuzzman. Yeah, email me at scuzzmansbabes at gmail.com. Your babes don't answer that email? What?

Your babes don't answer that email? That's you? No, that's me. Oh, man, I've had some weird correspondences with that Gmail. I really thought it was your babes. You were Gmailing the other gmail yeah yeah i thought all right anyway sorry go ahead finish your plug i didn't know you were corresponding with the babes yeah oh oh yeah i've been reading those okay yes okay okay i'll just

ask them i'll just ask it's kind of the wrap-up part of the show guys this is usually when we're trying to it's sort of a race to the finish line at this point. I'm sorry. I'm a guest here. I'm sorry. I'll just end on an apology to you, Sean. I hope this doesn't deflate you from doing future episodes of the show. It's fine.

I think it's my fault. Okay. Well, anyway, I'm just happy that we're all friends now, that my two social circles are kind of combined. Yeah, I feel like I learned a lot today. I don't know if I have any friends. Oh, man.

I'll be your friend. What are we... No, you won't. He seems really depressed. Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf media production.

Executive producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead. That was a HateGum Podcast.