Hollywood Handbook - The Secret Story of the Missing Episode

Episode Date: December 21, 2015

Hayes is joined by Tom Scharpling in Tom's railyard studio to acknowledge the many awards their shows have gotten lately and to tell the entire true story of the technical difficulties that got last week's episode canceled.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so walking down the high line with michael stoolbarg discussing moliere uh specifically the the bourgeois gentleman and we come upon this couple sweet uh couple uh visiting from taiwan they want us to take their wedding picture they're in their he's in his suit and she's in her traditional dress. Sure. They want us to take that. And so I say, Oh yes, give me the camera. And they're doing the,

the, the nice poses. And then Michael says, do a jumping one, do one where they're, they're, they're both jumping at the same time. Uh huh.

And it looks like they're sort of like hovering in, you know, a jumping one. Sure. Yes. And so they do a jumping one, one but they the first time it's like not high enough the second time only the guy is jumping and the girl is like all has already landed okay and so we go through this a few times and stuhlbarg is getting more and more upset. He really wants to see a good jumping one.

Sure. And it seems like he wants to kind of jump in and show them how to do it, but he's like a celebrity. He doesn't want it to be weird. And so ultimately what he ended up doing is he put on the suit okay and jumped and then put on the dress and jumped and then kind of took those home sure and stitched it all together comp he comped it up he yes he did a comp yeah to create a really nice sure jumping photo i don't know if you know what i mean by the jumping

by by a jumping one yeah oh no i know what you mean everybody's i don't know if you do everybody's in the air at the same time right but everybody the thing he might not have factored in is that everybody has different vertical lifts right i mean if like if this wedding was between this guy and like jr rider then he would have had no problem at all because jr riders in the air seemingly forever yeah i mean he was he was in the dunk contest right yeah did you you you're married did you get a jumping one we didn't what happened we just ran out of time. It's one of those things on your wedding day. It's so hectic and just suddenly you turn around and you're like, oh, snap.

We didn't get a jumping one. And the photographer is already gone. He's gone. Or she. What was it? It was he. Okay. I'm just saying. It was not or she.'s, what was it? It was like, why did it was he? Okay. I'm just saying that.

It's not or she. Well, back then it would have just been he. Right. But now like the sisters are doing it for themselves and every one of these jobs that people would judge and say like, Oh no, that's a male profession. Like photography. I appreciate that those guys dress in such a way that you could never confuse them with actually being at the wedding. It's almost as if they think no one can see them.

I mean, they're not going to be in any of the pictures. So they're like, it doesn't matter if I look like shit at this wedding. look like shit yeah at this wedding yeah because as far as i'm concerned only the pictures are like the existing record of this yeah not the slob hovering the entire time during the entirety of yes the the wedding and reception that dressed as if he could also be filming a children's soccer game. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. And Sean here would normally say,

what up, what up, which is a catchphrase that I invented and he swiftly took for himself, but he does it very well. But he's not here today. This is still a show. A lot of people were asking if we are a show anymore because we did miss a week of the show. Exciting week for us. We were named one of the top 10 podcasts by Vulture and also an av club poll finished second in that poll and tom i want to congratulate you on your show well can you you didn't say who i was yet

oh this is tom sharpling who's here but this is how i was going to introduce you tom sharpling yeah was honored in the same vulture poll for being one of the best episodes of the year. Oh, it was a fun one, too. I thought it was just a blast, a comedy, just a knee-slapping, just yuck, yuck-a-minute episode two weeks after my father died. And I thought that was just a hoot and a half. And I'm glad Vulture just very wisely chose out of the 50 something episodes I did this year. They picked the screamer of the lot, which just brought down the house. It shows you of all the episodes that you did. This is what people want more of in the coming year.

Well, I only have my mother left now so there's i don't know how many more they could get from me i mean i could record one where i die and then have it air just posthumously i could do that i'm sure that would probably top the list yeah those fine well that's an interesting point you should maybe have these ready because you don't want to be caught unawares the opportunity to do a great episode should someone that you care about pass away or myself so it might be good to bank some of these yeah bank some of these things sure i'll start i think i should just truly bank the one where i die and it'll'll just be like, you know how that thing happens in reality that movies have taken from the real world? Yeah.

If you're watching this, or if you're hearing this, then I am dead. Yeah. I mean, because how many times does that happen to you in your life where you're just at the reading of a will and then the person who died had filmed a... All the time. Yeah. Where he's just talking to you as if they're there. And, you know, that's happened to me probably half a dozen times. Three times it turned out the person actually didn't die and it was a whole thing to see who cared the most about them yeah they wanted to see our reactions to it they were in a different room yeah like tom sawyer yeah like

like when he faked his death what did he fake a car crash or something i think he ate a bunch of paint okay the white paint yeah that he made the other kid do yeah so he wanted to like convince the other kid that it was delicious i think okay trick the other one so rather than the other one i think you're not allowed to say his name i think there's like a racial slur in it or something it's a different era now um yeah just like with the women are doing they're doing it for themselves for themselves yes but won't it be nice if you did make that episode to know couldn't you die happy knowing that that episode was going to make it into the best episodes of the year if i could get a guarantee from them i don't think you need it i i'm pretty sure it would at least make number three yeah so i had to go up and yeah what do you because you don't

expect you know like it was a great episode uh the one after your father died but it's not gonna be obama wtf no no why would it be it's obama wtf yeah of course oh i knew that going in you don't think i came in just being like look guys we'll land this one will land us on the charts somewhere but we're already just gonna see it's number two tops yeah okay i'm sorry i'm looking at the list the wtf was on the the the wtf with obama was on the main podcast list this was the comedy one yeah so yours finished you know in the best comedy list but it's not gonna beat the judge john hodgman episode where he talks about the santa suit a guy was like no no no so i mean like take your shot but it's not gonna be i knew going

the hodgman santa suit episode i was like what came in like sixth or seventh on that list? Sixth was Stop Podcasting Yourself had Alicia Tobin as a guest. I knew going in that day, I was like, if we play all our cards right, we have a pretty good shot of topping that episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself with Alicia Tobin. And you did. And we did. Oh, yeah. Dreams come true sometimes, Hayes. So it was an exciting week for us. We were also announcing the debut of Handbook East.

We have sort of gotten the network together. And Tom is still, you are still a partner with us on it. Actively involved. Yes. A little shuffling. Yeah, we did yes we did have to reshuffle a little bit where uh we now have a new sort of overseer yes for the process the person who's who's doing some of the just like the executive work of what you were gonna do they're blue skying yes their quality control is a big part of it just someone to sort of what you were going to do their blue skying yes their quality control is a big part

of it just someone to sort of watch you and like make sure it's all jake fogel nest uh we're very excited to say is essentially taking over um uh earwolf east or uh whatever the the network is still the title is still pending. I think Jake is going to be great at coming up with the title for that. Well, he already is. It's already, it's a total joy.

Look, this is the kind of thing I know most people, if they're like, hey, weren't you in the captain's chair on that and now you're not? Jake is. And you don't want to be the guy

who gets blamed if it goes wrong. You know, in like the press and stuff. You don't want like the press to be coming after you if it doesn't go well. And you also don't need the positive attention if it does go well. I don't need it. I don't need it. You're right. I don't need it.

It does go well. I don't need it. I don't need it. You're right. I don't need it. I think it's just a gift to go from top of the pyramid to second, maybe third down from the top of the pyramid. I guess meat. You're in the meat section. Yeah, because it's like.

Of the food pyramid. Because what's at the top of the food pyramid now? Sugar. Sweet, sweet, sweet sugar. That's at the top. And Jake is a sweet guy, which I think is probably why he's there also. And look, I had a pretty solid run up there. And look, I had a pretty solid run up there.

I thought we had a lot of kick-ass ideas and just things didn't pop the way that maybe they could have. They didn't. They didn't. But now with Jake, and also, by the way, Jake needs you as well for this thing because he's not doing his podcast anymore because he's so busy. You can't work on a television show and do a podcast at the same time. It's never been done. Well, Jake calls me his foot soldier, which I take as nothing but that's like I wear that as a point of pride. I'm just I'm boots on the ground, he also says. And I'm just the one like he's like, you pound the pavement and you just report back to me

and he says recon back to me a lot he talks in a lot of crypto military terms which i don't think he ever served in the military? He does use a lot of those terms, and he does have big jackets, big green jackets. With medals all over them. Yeah. He has the, when he enters a room, it just has the. You want to snap too. Yeah.

You just want to snap too. Sure. the you want to snap too yeah you just want to snap too sure so reporting to him now is just a joy and some might call the things he comes up with whims or or half-baked conceits that i have to go jump head first into now and follow up to their fullest and then sometimes sure sometimes he doesn't remember the thing that he made me chase down, and then he yells at me. I know he wants to do that Michael Rapaport podcast that's called I'm Not Rapaport, but I don't think he knows what I'm Not Rapaport is. He didn't know what it was. Do you?

Do I? Yeah. No, because I was waiting for him to tell me and I just didn't. I think it's, it's a Doug Henning type magic thing. It could be. Yeah. Okay. Do you know?

No, I don't know. None of us, but he certainly wanted me to fast track that thing. And I've been at like five Knicks games now trying to talk to Michael Rappaport and he's he's hard to get a hold of yeah he just he looked at me one time and he and then I tried to bring up a tribe called quest to find some kind of common ground where I was just like kick-ass you ever see them back of the day I was like well he made a doc about them. And I said, kick ass doc. And then he was like, yeah.

He went, yeah. And he was online at the Shake Shack thing. And he got three shakes. He only got shakes there. I think most people, they call it Shake Shack, but people. It's mostly the burgers. The burgers. Yeah. I don't think he knew that they sold it Shake Shack, but people... It's mostly the burgers. The burgers. Yeah.

I don't think he knew that they sold anything other than shakes. No. I think he mostly gets name food. My understanding with him is that he's a name food kind of guy. Like what is a good example of name food? Well, he'd go to Burger King and get the burger. Yeah. He'd go to Dairy Queen and and and get the burger yeah uh he'd go to dairy queen

and i guess get ask for some cheese yeah and when he goes to shake shack he's gonna get those shakes yeah so does he get a does he get uh uh cardboard cardboard carrier he does get a cardboard carrier yeah okay yeah and he also has the he also has a nix batting helmet on which there's no batting in basketball which i didn't understand how he had one of them and it has the two little cup things on the thing you can set it on but no straws coming down they're just he has to reach up and grab it right yeah because those cardboard carrying trays usually only have one space in them for for drinks so i guess if he knows he's going to be getting three shakes yeah that's what he needs the helmet for he has two up top and then

one in his hand and then the other one's free he has to have his ticket right to be able to get back to his and he also and he also wears a basketball glove to those games. To catch a basketball. In case he catches. In case a basketball. Bounces toward him. Comes his way. And then he does have to, you do have to just give it back.

But he doesn't. I remember one time at a Knick game, Sweet Lou, I think Dway wade drove in and then sweet lou just jumped up and knocked that shit to the fourth row he said get that shit out a weak shit yeah and he said to duane wade come strong or don't come at all and then and then the ball bounced to michael rapaport and the ref was just like, I think it was like Steve Jaffe. Oh, yeah, sure. Steve Jaffe was just like, give it back.

And then he was like, I caught this fair and square. I'm not giving it back. It's in my basketball glove. I've seen him pretend that he doesn't actually have it and put it under his shirt. Harlem Globetrotter style. Yeah. Yeah. There's not a lot of room for more it under his shirt harlem globetrotter style yeah yeah there's not a lot

of room for like more stuff under that shirt so under his charles oakley jersey oak so anyway we do want to talk about what happened last week so fogelness was in the studio we were um we were gonna announce the launch um and i guess we just want to sort of talk about what uh what went down hang on one second sean is um is calling me he has uh he's has this new app that he wants me to use that is like the phone app but it's separate. It sort of just replaces the phone app, and it doesn't ring. It just... And so I just have to sort of leave the phone face up. Okay.

And watch for it to light up. But it lights up very dimly. But I don't have to rush to answer the phone, because it does just kind of ring forever. It's called voice choice. Okay. This is going to be... So he uses voice choice. He uses is gonna be so he he uses voice

choice he uses voice choice and he does want to get the word out about it so i think that that may be why he is so it's like a is it like a money saving thing no it's a lot more expensive than because you you need your original phone plan in order to be able to access voice choice but i think it's louder okay so voice choice is loud the louder alternative it's louder except for the ring which is silent which is non-existent yes yeah uh so hang on one second let me just get this real quick hey sean hi hello Hey, Sean. Hi. Hello.

Hayes. Yeah, yeah. That's Hayes. Hey, Hayes. It's me, Sean Clements. Hi. Yeah. I'm on the phone with you now, and I don't know why, but I have this weird feeling that people are going to be thinking that this is not a real phone call, that it's some pre-recorded

message that I did where I just left spaces like the one I'm about to leave at the end of this sentence for you to say like uh-huh I know oh that's that's crazy I don't know why yeah me too anyway um I'm thinking that I need to tell our audience and our listeners uh the truth of where I'm at even though it can be very dangerous for them to know. So I'm not going to say which country I'm in, but it's one of the ones that is having a lot of sand instead of where there should usually be earth. So I'm there and I'm doing a big, big mission, kind of an Argo-style mission. The secret government called me and wants my help, and I said, well, I'm busy, it's the holidays,

but then they said no one else could do it, and I said, well, what about Hayes? And they said, no, definitely not Hayes. I don't know why, but anyway, you understand. So if you remember, there was a movie called argo where a bunch of heroes went to pretend to make a movie called argo yeah so what i and some other powerful agents uh i'm not going to name drop, but one of them was recently a guest on Denzel Washington as the best actor of all time, period.

Spike Lee. Spike Lee. And we are pretending to make that Argo. The Argo where they're pretending to make Argo. We're pretending to make that Argo. So we're pretending to make a movie called Argo where they're pretending to make Argo. We're pretending to make that Argo. So we're pretending to make a movie called Argo where they pretend to make a movie called Argo. And it's been going pretty well so far. Nobody suspects anything because we're all really good actors and really professional.

And we're saving the day and justice and America. But what's been going on with you? I realize I've been talking the whole time on this real phone call that's not pre-recorded and haven't heard about what you're doing. No, I mean, things have been okay. Yeah, well, I hope you won't be mad. They did? Yeah, we didn't air that episode last week.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you're not mad. Okay, Hayes. episode last week yeah well i'm glad you're not mad okay hayes well um enjoy doing the show and i know that you have one of the guests there and uh hi guest oh it's john yeah exactly how are you mentioned a couple of guests you were gonna get that i believe i had given reason to sort of mildly dislike me so to you know so to guest, and I heard you say hi to me, and I'm saying hi back, and sorry. That's okay. So stay cool, or stay warm this time of year.

And I'll just be doing Super Argo over here, and I'll update you if I can. Peace! Hey, Sean, can you tell me about voice choice? He hung up, he hung up, sorry. I'll be doing Super Argo over here, and I'll update you if I can. Peace. Hey, Sean, can you tell me about Voice Choice? He hung up. Sorry. Voice Choice also has a very limited amount of time that it can stand to be an app. Sure.

And then it... It does not want to be an app. So it's like a... Is it like a Cinderella kind of thing? Yeah. After midnight, it stopped being an app. It's been brought to life by essentially a bad wizard in terms of, in tech terms. So that's like deep web.

Deep web stuff. Tor. It's like Tor server. Silk road. Silk road. Yes. Deep web stuff. Tor. It's like Tor server. Silk Road. Silk Road. Yes. Pirate Bay. Do you know the kind of stuff?

All kidding aside. Do you know the stuff they sell on the Silk Road thing? No. Get a load of this. Machine guns. Come on. Heroin. Tom.

Hitman. No. Yeah. Have you? It's all sorts of just, I have not been on it. You haven't been on there?in. Tom. Hitman. No. Yeah. Have you? It's all sorts of just, I have not been on it. You haven't been on there? I go to. How do you know all this stuff?

Well, I have a subscription to Rolling Stone, and they had a pretty sweet article. They always do dangerous stuff about. Well, they always have an article. It's either about some 23-year-olds who who get weirdly rich and then one of them gets killed by someone yeah because they was they got rich because they were doing something illegal yeah or they have an article on like the coke brothers are being mean yeah or tom petty or like yeah it's one of three articles yeah it's an article on tom petty the coke brothers being mean or some 23 year olds who found a way to game something illegally and then one of them ends up getting

executed and the other one's talking from jail so we want to we do want to talk about what happened last week. It was a normal show when we were doing it. I thought it was going great. I thought Jake was super funny. And we should say Engineer Jason, who's here, was there as well. Did you think, if you could actually put your phone down for a second. And I know you call him Dudio, right isn't that your little like name for him yeah we like to keep it more of a more like a workplace where we don't like you know the funny name and all that stuff like his name is jason and he's the engineer uh

for the show so we're we are going to be calling you Engineer Jason. And you were there last week, and what did you think? I mean, it's my show. I don't want to say that it's like my show's a great show or whatever, but how did you think it was going? I thought it was excellent. Did you think that Jake was funny? Oh, yeah.

He's perfect and what about tom tom was okay okay oh cool that's fine did you um it's great tom was great thank you i'm glad you upgraded okay great you did a fair amount of work to make sure his um medals didn't didn't bump into the microphone that seemed like there was a fair amount of trouble with he had so many metals on that uniform he was wearing yeah from an engineer's point of view was that a challenge well i even taped a lot of them beforehand with electronic uh with electrical tape electronic electronic tape to kind of deaden the sound led still didn't do it tape yeah same yeah like daft punk tape exactly is that the tape they put for like to to simulate robot yeah letters running across the

essay like robot party time that's the exact tape i used on jake last week okay still that's such an interesting part of the process anyway we, we were recording the show. And then I noticed, I don't know who noticed at first, but my headphones starting to get really hot. And I thought that it was just you and Jason fucking up. In the headphones, this strange voice that was kind of like a scary monster voice saying, Greetings, Hayes, Tom, and Sean. I mean, I guess he thought Sean was on the show, but he was off that week. And then the computer screen that you have in here starts to go staticky. And then I see on it the face of anonymous like one of these anonymous guys had taken over the soundboard uh and the computer has that ever happened to you before or no that

was weird that was the very first time okay and were you scared tom when that was happening very i was scared because okay because at the time you were saying I'm not scared I'm brave. Yeah but I said it repeatedly. Yeah you were saying it a lot. Yeah and it's good to know now that you were scared. Because I swear one of the things with that anonymous face is that it's a mask right? Yes. I would bet I would have bet the farm that that face changed a little bit like i could see him smile and then i could see that was scary sad and then he looked like

quizzical i actually i i think i thought that was happening for a second too and i think he was putting on different masks because he was turning around and then it would come back as a different face so i could definitely see how you thought that his face was changing but i think that when he was turning around he was actually putting a different mask is that why he was saying that it would probably go something like this and then he turned around he would stay turned around for a really long time yeah and then he would turn back uh yeah he would say if i were smiling it would probably go something like this yeah and then come back with a different mask on so he was changing masks then that's like the but that's why there was also just like he kept like shaking these keys with his hand it's like a misdirect

i was looking at the keys the whole time he had the keys they were very shiny yes and that's when he must have been doing because that's like a magician that's like magic 101 yes it's what you're not seeing that's being the most of the magic yes so this anonymous guy's on the screen. I think he was mostly mad. Now it makes me think that maybe Jake was involved in the armed forces in some way, because I know anonymous is mad at them right now. And so I think maybe that was why they showed up to take over the show. Anyway, and then the train, because people know,

because like people know this we're recording this in uh tom's studio which is in an abandoned uh train yard not abandoned it's not abandoned yes because we're going to be shut down soon it's it's in the process of being down decommissioned yes yes an imminently decommissioned train yard. Yeah, which has certainly not helped the climate around here in terms of safety. Right. Because once the word got out that they were shutting this thing down, it was like a magnet for every piece of trash to come here and just wreak havoc however they chose to. And a lot of scrapping i noticed has been going on sometimes mid-show a big piece of sheet metal will be ripped ripped out of the wall which affects the warmth of the sound when that happens it does it makes it a little bouncier than i um i also have a it's not as just not it used to be more communal to be around the flaming garbage can with the other people and now it just feels like it's just not the same it it just feels like

it it just feels like it's it's skunked like skunked beer. You ever have a skunked beer? Yeah, where it's really hot. Like, yeah, where somebody's like, who left this beer in the sun? And it's like boiling hot, but you don't want to look like a loser. Yeah, who can't handle a beer. Yeah, so they're like, chug, chug, chug. But it is so hot. Yeah, and then you're just like, in your mind, you're just like, well, this is skunked.

Yeah. But if I stop drinking this thing, they're all going to think I'm a loser. I got to chug this skunk beer. And then I chug it. And then the worst thing is when they go, that was a chug so nice. Let's do it twice. And then I have to. I hate that chant a chug so nice let's do it twice and then i have to i hate that chant chug that was a chug so nice let's do it twice that was a chug so nice let's the and it's so weird too long it's got one syllable too many at the top yeah yeah but they love it yeah but then i chug another one

just because i want to fit in it's interesting that you could say you know about the communal fire trash barrel and and stuff because when we were being pulled away on the train that had been electronically commandeered by anonymous we were yelling for help through the big holes in the wall to your friends in the yard and i think they were maybe pretending they couldn't hear us because they like it like they were definitely close enough to to hear us saying like like call for help or they did start singing their do-op louder when they heard that i think think that way they could just pretend. It's just like, hey, we were singing like, get a job around the garbage,

flaming garbage can, and we just were doing all our parts on that. The deep voice guy was really bringing it more than he would. He was doing it much showier than he usually is. I know he was trying to drown us out. Not cool with him. I did not share my baked beans with him today so we're we're we're going along the the rail line through a secret sort of cyber tunnel i guess this network of cyber tunnels that they already have in place uh went to their headquarters at the bottom of the ocean. Yeah. And I guess they started interrogating us,

but they didn't really want to... They talked about Hollywood stuff. I guess they wanted to know about different things because they're mad about the piracy things and stuff. But I think they mostly wanted to know how to throw and catch a baseball. Did that happen to you with them did they ever bring that up because like when they first came into my interrogation yeah uh they there was like a ball and glove sitting there already and they were starting to ask me questions about like the

business stuff and they were like, oh, that's funny. There's a thing there. I wonder how I would use that if I wanted to. It seemed like they just wanted someone to teach them. Sure. Mine was different. They did ask me about Hollywood stuff. The thing they kept grilling me about was the movie Django Unchained.

The thing they kept grilling me about was the movie Django Unchained. They wanted to know why King Schultz, played by Christoph Waltz. Yeah, oh yeah, King Schultz. Why he just didn't go himself to Candyland and get Broomhilda out. That why did he have to bring Django with him? Because it just made the situation so much trickier that it was going to just heat up. Because all the guys that he was going to meet in Candyland explicitly hate black people. Right? I guess so and so bringing a free black man into that environment would immediately make

the situation supercharged with with tension yeah what he should want is to be able to sort of like sneak in there quietly or just rolling by himself right just make the deal and split right they wanted to know why that happened and then then I told them, that's what we call showmanship. There'd be no movie to watch, and we can't let the fun police slow us down. Okay. And did they like that? They got it. They got it.

Oh, they got it. Because they're working on a screenplay. Yeah. Anonymous is working on a spec script uh fresh off the boat okay now i wonder if that had something to do with the playing catch thing because it might be an episode where the dad the main dad yeah is teaching the funny rapping boy how to do catch because they also asked me if i had any cypress hill cds that they could borrow uh-huh and if i could catch them up on like onyx right like on mid-90s hip-hop because i guess anonymous i guess I guess they're really taking this fresh off the boat spec script pretty seriously.

Okay, I guess so. And with the catch thing they did, they needed help because they were just using their hands. If you can imagine someone throwing a ball using only their hand and no other part of their arm. You're like a dinosaur. Not turning their hips at all, just their hand. And when they would catch the ball, they would move their bodies out of the way of the ball's path and hold their arm as far out away from their bodies as they could

and try and catch it that way. as far out away from their bodies as they could and try and catch it that way so they were almost uh turn it turned away facing away from the ball it's not yeah i don't think sports is a huge part of that whole culture yeah but i give them credit for really immersing themselves in to what a character would do so they're for their for their fresh off the boat spec they really just want to know about playing catch and onyx but they were nice they ended up being pretty nice until uh that we were i you know i assume I can talk about this is what happened we were all sort of sitting in the den area

and you walked in with some of the other guys and they asked you to take your shoes off before you went in the den because of the rug and I guess you it's not my thing you don't like to take your shoes off.

Well, just don't have that kind of rug. It's like, no, that's what you said. But yeah, just under given the circumstances where like they had demonstrated so much power to us and we were essentially there captives for you to say, just don't have that kind of rug. For me being in that situation with you, I remember thinking like, oh, I wish you like don't have that kind of rug uh for me being in that situation with you i remember thinking like oh i wish you like wouldn't say that but i guess you just really don't like to take your shoes off it's not my again especially underwater it's not my thing okay i just if you're gonna if you're gonna invite people into your house, have the nice rug in the back of the house. That's your private side of the house.

Right? Yeah. Or at least have a foyer where people could have their shoes on. Well, this wasn't the living room. This was the den. I mean, it's more of a hangout. It's a more relaxed sort of hangout space. I just wasn't into it.

I just wasn't into it. And taking their shoes off is nobody's thing i don't you know like no one says taking my shoes off is my thing so when you say well when i said if i'll take my shoes off if you take those masks off yeah yeah they didn't like that they don't like taking their masks and then the guy turned around shook some keys and then he had a very mad look on his face when he turned back around yeah he looked angry and then i made a joke and then he started shaking his keys and he turned back around a very stern look on his face he did not think that joke was good so i mean i i guess pretty uh soon after that we got the i guess renditioned is that the word for it like would you know the black hoods over our head and stuff um taken on a long trip.

And I don't know. It's hard to know because we couldn't see exactly what was going on. I think for a while we were on a boat. Yeah. Which I think might have actually been an incubus cruise. I remember hearing. Did you hear pardon me? There was like an, it sounded unplugged and outside.

Yeah. Like, like this is like the warmup stuff on the cruise. Like the real show will be on like saturday night yes but it felt sort of like fake unrehearsed to me where like a bunch of people were gathered around and like brandon just comes out and is like hey guys like do you mind if we like play a few songs and then like everyone cheered as if they were on this boat to see Incubus. And that's what made me think it was an Incubus cruise, because he did Pardon Me and he did Drive. Unplugged.

Unplugged. Yeah, I... That makes sense now. I didn't think about... I guess, you know, usually I'm pretty... What did you think was happening at the time? I thought that somebody with the world's worst iPod was doing some sort of system test. And they were playing some live shows, some live incubus that they had on their iPod. I should have noticed that it smelled like sea air, too, right?

Yes. Yes. Now that comes together, and you just piece the things together. And I could just, it was an incubus party cruise. Yeah. And I think they weren't the only band that was there i think fuel was there um because i heard because i think they were playing in like a much lower performance base because i heard uh hemorrhage in my hand but like really muffled so it sounded like they were sort

of relegated to like the low low decks sure and i remember hearing this is all coming together now i remember hearing a a guy playing an acoustic guitar version of bodies which must have been the dude from drowning drowning pool i think it was yes but he was like doing this like he was like let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor. It was sort of a soulful Ray LaMontagne version of bodies. Or like when Dave Grohl does acoustic songs, and he sings in that voice, when he's like, if anything could ever be this real.

Suddenly he sings, suddenly he's doing this whisper singing that's like really not singing at all no he's it's like he's doing an asmr video to the tune of everlong yeah if anything could ever be this real forever if anything could ever be this real oh yeah the only thing i ever ask of you i'm gonna you've got the promised stuff and he and he even messes up like i just did yeah you're just doing a faithful recreation right on the money when he when he does those versions just to show how casual and intimate a setting yeah it really is yeah because like for songs like that you want to feel like you're not listening to like a professional performer doing no yeah so that was the drowning pool dude was the giveaway for me now looking back. That we were on an acoustic incubus cruise. Yes.

So that took a while, though. We were on that thing for a while. I think it was a cruise around the world. And there were a couple stand-ups. Did you hear stand-up comedy on it? Yes. I absolutely did. I think i heard joe coy uh and brian callan yes definitely heard brian callan uh i heard rich voss

yes i remember hearing they were doing like a mystery science theater kind of thing to hang over to. That was awesome. That was awesome. But they weren't making fun of it. They were just saying like nothing to make fun of here guys. This is the best movie I've ever seen. They talked about what a good piece of business it was. Yeah. Just how a franchise

popped out of this thing and how it was a good thing they locked everyone into a three picture deal. Like it was weirdly inside. It was like weirdly industry talk. But it also, it didn't seem like they had seen the first Hangover or that they knew there was a first Hangover. But they were still enjoying this movie on its merit yes but kind of catching up there i remember some people were having a hard time following it they were just like what someone's lost i don't know what's going on here and then he has a

mike tyson tattoo on his face. Yeah. The guy. That didn't seem to pay off for them. I remember when I saw it, I was busting up because I had seen the Mike Tyson tattoo on Mike Tyson's face in the first one. Sure. But if I hadn't seen that, I don't know if I would have been capable of enjoying it as much uh when i saw it on ed helms's character's face uh i believe his name is marv marv yes and of course the guy who

gets lost uh uh doug doug that's who i am in the wolf pack you're doug in the wolf pack up by fred's i'm sort of a doug well i'm the type of guy who likes to say which one are you i'm more of a uh uh is there a ray yeah i'm more of a ray because i'm the kind of guy who just like if my friend is like a doctor i'm just like i call him and i just say like paging doctor you know and then just the worst homophobic word you can say after that i just throw that around like it's nobody's business yeah that's right you know and he's like stop being a doctor and like come on the trip and then i steal his pharmaceutical pad and he's like now give it back engineer jason which one are you in the wolf pack this sounds like it's um maybe an emotional subject for you i've been asked this a lot it's hard to go back again to something you hear yeah over and over you know just like i

didn't mean and i i didn't mean to like raise any like old demons for you when i asked about uh like the ken jeong character mr chang okay you're mr chang that's what i've been told yeah the character the the name of his character and everything he's ever done. That's me. Uh-huh. Yeah, I could see how that would be. They end up in trunks a lot. Uh-huh.

Naked. Naked. And the nude. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that's probably why. Okay. I could see why they would, if that's what's going on with you, I could see why people would make leap to calling you.

Make that connection. Yeah. Yeah. Because he's also not actually in the wolf pack. The wolf pack is. Alan. Alan. Of course.

Ray. Ray. Marv. Marv and Doug. And Doug. Yeah. Duh. So if I had to choose, I could choose one of those? No, it's your friends. I'm given them. You decide with your friends And Doug. Yeah. Duh. So if I had to choose, I could choose one of those?

No, it's your friends. I'm given them. You decide with your friends. Okay. Yeah. None of us choose our Wolfpack designation. No. You just know whether it's you.

And if you know you're a Dr. Ken, then you're a Dr. Ken. It's okay. I think I just know I'm a Dr. Ken. Yeah. Anyway, we're going to take a break. It's just. I think I just know I'm a Dr. Ken. Yeah. Anyway, we're going to take a break. It's just getting a little sad. And we,

we're on the around the world, ain't good. This cruise. And we'll talk about it more when we come back on Hollywood handbook. Hey guys, we're back on Hollywood handbook. Normally we would do a theme song to announce this, but this is a different kind of show

where we're just telling the story of what... Jake said I could say, what up, what up? That is not Jake's purview, necessarily. Okay. And so this is something that I would really rather not do uh but because you've sort of asserted your authority in that in that area and so is jake i'm gonna uh ask

engineer jason to say what up what up what up what up and that's why we don't play with it because it can be a disaster when just anyone is doing it 2015's ending now my you you guys are hollywood handbook so hot now my show the best show is in the in the mix I forgot to congratulate you. You were also number five on the AV Club. Yeah, number five. We made number five on the list. You guys are two. I'm five. I just need some of that.

Some of that Hollywood handbook shine a little bit. And by the way, the readers poll is the one that's the most important to us because that's the fans. That's the people. And it is more prestigious. A reader's poll is always more prestigious. Like, you couldn't find two people in Hollywood who would say, if I had a choice between an Oscar or a People's Choice Award award i would take a people's

choice award every time everything that involves a fan vote yeah is understood to be pure the purest expression of excellence because no one votes multiple times yeah like when like when yaoming would play five games and get injured and and then win the all-star voting by like 10 million votes yes and be the starting center yeah for the for the or like when yaramir yogger who's like 47 years old is in the top three in nhl all-star game voting this year and has to go on television and say, please, please don't make me play in this game. My legs hurt. Yes, fan votes are good.

But on the other, because Derek Jeter put up some of the strongest numbers of anyone in baseball during the final couple years of his career that must have been why people were cheering every time he came up to bat he was getting better and better and better and then he quit at the top of his game yep so the fan So the fans said you're second best after who? The Flophouse. Okay. And I'm fifth best. And by the way, yes.

I mean, obviously, the Flophouse best podcast of 2015. Sure. For sure. I think the stuff they're doing with current events and pop culture and the discussion. Unimpeachable. It's the master. So I was just, that's why I tried the Sean thing on for a second. I tried it on for size.

Jake said I could. I guess he was speaking out of school. Did you ask? Did you come to him and say, can I do this? What was that conversation like? Not so, in not so many words. I find it hard to believe that he would approach you and say, Tom, I'd like you to, and the way you say he said you could do it suggested me that you came to him and asked. It went down.

Okay. This is how it went down. I said to him, guess who I'm doing an impression of. And then he said, okay, let's hear it. And then I went, what up, what up? And he's like, what is that? He's like, what is that, Sean? And I was like, yeah.

And so, and that's, this is the end of the conversation? Yeah. Okay. I didn't know if the pause, I imagine there was a pause of the conversation after that. No, he walked out of the room. Halfway through I was talking, he just walked away. Okay. He does it a fair amount. He just, I'll be in the middle of saying something and he just either looks at his

phone yeah or just actually walks out of the room but he did know that you were doing sean yeah which i guess in your mind is permission to i guess now i look back that was not it was not as as complete a permission as i thought it was but it's like if he's if sean's gonna miss an episode while he's on these adventures it's like they rotated out three stooges and i'm sorry sorry sorry sean is um sean is calling me The voice choice makes the phone very cold Okay You should have put If only you had that Last week with the hot headphones

I know We could have just done the show normally I could have put my cold phone Yes under one of my ears It would have cancelled We could have passed your cold phone around and gotten through it

anyway I should take this hey Sean hey Cookie it's the Clem Dog with another real phone call that is happening now and you can just confirm that by saying yes right now.

Yes, it's real. I mean, you don't have to say that it's real. Anyway, Cookie, this is me, and I'm the Clem Dog, and I'm calling with a little update on Super Argo, which is slightly stressful. One thing that happened is I think we all thought everyone else involved was a little more familiar with the movie that we were pretending to do,

where they pretend to do a movie. And a lot of us had maybe only watched a screener maybe after some turkey about a year and a half, two years ago, and don't really know. One thing we do remember is that it was very very tense trying to get to the front of a line for like a checkpoint and that they did that about three times in the last half hour of the movie um and we have the part of our mission coming up where we have to do checkpoints.

And we're very stressed about it because I don't know how we're going to get through three of them. I don't remember how they got through it. I just remember there was sort of like a ticking clock, like, oh, no, what about the thing when we get to the checkpoint that happened and then immediately happened again and then immediately happened again in that movie. And we're afraid that that might happen to us and then happen to us again and then happen to us again. And so we're feeling very scared. We have tried to get in touch

with some of the people who did that movie. But really, all of them, all we've gotten back is they are still saying, Argo, fuck yourself. That's very funny to them. It is funny to me, too, and I have been laughing, but I've also been trying to tell them, hey, we really need help. We're trying to do this super Argo mission in this country where they have a lot of sand. I can't say the name of the country, but it's one of the mean ones.

And we're trying to do something special and be heroes, and you guys are making it hard because when we ask you a question, you just go, Argo, fuck yourself. And we crack up, just as we did when we watched that screener two years ago, maybe three years ago. And so that is fun, and we could all use some levity but it also is not

great just because what we're dealing with is we might get stopped at a checkpoint maybe die and my only hope is that there's one guy who seems really difficult and like not on board with the plan and that he'll step up and be a hero like what I think happened at the end of the Argo, the original, not the original Argo, the Argo where they were, the real Argo where they were pretending to make a movie called Argo that was a fake movie that I guess at one point was a real movie and it was based on a true story. So now we're doing a fake version of that real movie where they were pretending to make a real movie in a fake way. So anyway, that's all the news from the Super Argo front. that real movie where they were pretending to make a real movie in a fake way so um anyway uh

that's all the news from the super argo front and uh oh i forgot to say hi to the guest hey guest hey sean it's tom sharpling i want that's so kind and then uh hey what's been going on with you i barely talked to you nothing we're just recording the show no no it no. No, it's good. It's not a bad thing. Oh, yeah. Yes, okay, it's good. Oh, well, hopefully they'll have more in time for when you need it. So stay crack-a-lackin' and don't start slackin'. And if you do see Alan Arkin, please tell him that I was not doing a joke when I talked to him

and that we really could use some clarity on how they got through the obstacles at the checkpoints in that movie thank you hey Sean I wanted to ask if I was going to use your catch he's gone I'm sorry it gets a little shorter every time too every one of my voice choice calls has been

shorter than the last one by exactly 30 seconds okay alright but i wanted to ask him for permission to maybe pinch hit once in a while if he's gonna be out and about right i could pinch hit for him jump in and kind of co-host the show just be him the way the three stooges had like curly and then when split, they had a guy named like Curly Joe. Like I could be like, I could be like, like Sean Jr. When it's like, you know what I mean?

For like an episode of the show, I could be Sean. Like we got Sean Jr. This week in the chair. And then at the end of the episode would be like got Sean Jr. this week in the chair. And then at the end of the episode, it'd be like, playing Sean Jr. Tom Sharpling played Sean Jr. on the show this week. At the end of the episode. At the end of, yeah. So you want to basically play Sean on the show and not be yourself.

I figure it would get me into the rhythm that I could take that to my own show take back to your own show and maybe jump a couple spots a couple rungs yeah what's Shemp what's Shemp he was

I think it went Curly then Curly split and then they put a guy named Shemp in there. Shemp is what they make that smoky stuff out of, huh? What do you mean? The sticky? Yeah. Sticky icky, right?

That's what they make that out of, Shemp. Oh. You know, George Washington used to grow Shemp. He grew that. That's what... Because there's a secret history to this whole country that a lot of people are just scared to talk about and that's the kind of stuff is that thomas jefferson was a was a he grew all that that chronic right yeah what do you think they

were growing that stuff for? Make rope? No. If it was today then or then today, Thomas Jefferson would not even be able to run for office because he would be too busy running his chain making sure the doctors were just that their pens were full of ink to for somebody to come in and go i have headaches and then they go here's your card and you need someone to spin the side someone in sunglasses with big green leaves on them to spin the sign that says dr. Cush. Yeah, he'd be called. He'd be called Dr. Cush, Thomas Jefferson. He'd be like, bro, I ain't got time.

He'd probably have a podcast where he talked about weed, right? Yes. So in some alternate universe, Doug Bensonenson and thomas jefferson are the same person i guess that means is that is that a thing yeah and i can imagine i can honestly imagine doug benson roaming monticello and i guess impregnating a slave and lying about it. But with one of those big balloons full of... What's in those things? I'm assuming that's weed smoke in there.

What about... Picture this, and I'm pitching this out. Any of these weed-centric entertainers could use this. Wait, weed-centric the entertainer? You're talking about weed-centric the entertainer? Yeah, yeah. What about a hot air balloon filled with just pot smoke? Just picture that thing.

Oh, and the guy wants the wants the smoke it's so bad like suck it all out but if he does the balloon will fall or what if they're in a balloon that's like going gonna go it's just going too high and it's gonna go into space because someone pulled like the thing is jammed or something quick who's gonna eat all this smoke and then suddenly you turn around and it's like and it's like snoop dog is yeah suddenly you turn around at the hot air balloon this new guy is in there and he just goes and then the balloon lands safely and then he just and they say thank you if it's snoop dog or

weed centric the entertainer or doug benson or whichever one of these pot comedians or pot entertainers we have. And then they would just be on the ground and then they would just go, they'd say, thank you for saving us. And he'd say something like, I'm higher now on the ground than I was in that balloon. That's good. And they were almost in space. We do want to quickly finish the story of what happened.

Basically, I think we all, like when we were sort of let off the cruise, I think we all got sold to the Taliban. And I remember me sort of being in a cage and like sort of a human zoo that

they were running there but you joined the taliban immediately i got caught up in it i'll admit i'm i'm kind of a go with the crowd kind of guy it's like if there's if i'm in a thing and somebody goes like hey what do you think of star wars and i'll just be like what do you think of star wars and they'll be like i thought it was good i thought it was good too right or if they're just like i'll be like hey what do you think of star wars i'll be like what did you think they're like i thought it sucked like yeah it sucked so in this case but instead of liking star wars in this case it was hey what do you think about killing this journalist and i was like well what do you think about killing this journalist and they're like i think we're gonna do it and i was like okay yeah let's do

let's do it but then i always managed to like slide into the back. Right. I did notice that. It's like if there's a classroom, I'm always sitting in the last row and I just was doing that a whole lot with these guys. I would just be like, is anyone thirsty? I would say that a fair amount and I would be like, I'll go

fill the canteens. Right. And people, they were thirsty a lot. Fair amount. It's very hot. It's very hot. Yeah. You were very mean to me in the sort of dining tent area. I guess the cafeteria equivalent that they had. You called me a lot of, and I understand it's like a very high pressure situation,

but you called me like a goat's mother. And then afterwards I was like i was like i'm so sorry like i would just whisper that i would say like there's a reason here yeah i'd be like there's a reason why you're in this human zoo you dirty animal i'm so sorry haze you know i don't feel this way. So, I think we did see Sean walking by at one point, but he had sort of that poofy Ben Affleck hair, which at the time I didn't really understand. And I remember yelling out to him,

And I remember yelling out to him, but it seemed like he was trying to do a scene where he and a sort of John Goodman type were meeting at the smokehouse in Burbank. Yeah. But in the middle of the desert. Across from Warner Brothers. Yeah. And I think he was just like very distracted by that yeah i thought he was doing i thought he was going for an american hustle thing with his hair at first but then you were like the part was so far to one side and then it was like such a big poofy part you were like no it's ar it's Argo. And I was like, shut up, you filthy animal.

I think you're right, Ace. I think it actually is Argo. You're right. I'm sorry. It's not American Isle. It's Argo. And so that's how it turns out. We were able to secure a release because I guess it turns out that Scott A ackerman is like kind of friends with the taliban

he it was strange how because we i remember like we mentioned you know that we did podcasting and that we knew scott ackerman and they were like oh scott ackerman yeah and it's first of all it's funny how they sound like larry david over there no that's exactly yeah what they what they sound like yeah but i remember scott said something very powerful at the at the end of all this he was like Like, he said, there are no countries. It's just five or six corporations. Yeah. And I play all of them like a fiddle. And then he gave me a Howl.fm premium subscription for one month. Only one month.

I thought he would at least give me six free months. And I like the, I mean, he said explicitly that mid-roll media is one of the five or six corporations. He said it's the Bilderberg Group. It's, it's. Yeah, Halliburton, Bilderberg Group, Bechdel, Lockheed Martin. Mid-roll. Mid-roll media. mid-roll mid-roll

hang on Sean is Sean is calling me again I really have to ask him about this because I think there's a play

to be had here okay let me let me just get in with him first hey Sean hey it's me hey buddy

clam dog another update things are coming so sorry to call in again so much no doing so much phone calls yeah but this is another real one and it's not pre-recorded and not that i feel the need to prove it but if it was pre-recorded would i leave a space right now for you to say like what no i don't i don't think you would anyway um i'm the club and i am uh on the phone and i just want to say false alarm i know things sounded a little hairy the last time i updated you on super argo uh and it was a real concern for us we were uh not as familiar as the

movie uh with the movie as we should have been and we were freaking out but as it turns out we were in an island that's sand but it was not a scary place like we thought we are on a beach and it's Hawaii

so what wound up happening is we just threw on an Is record. That's the guy who sings Over the Rainbow so pretty. And we all just chilled out, hang out on the beach, careful for jellyfish. But other than that, just let loose and have fun. And it wound up not being that big a mission so much as it was um just a hawaiian christmas for us and uh so anyway uh if anyone was scared i'm okay better than okay uh i'm chilling out in a grass

skirt straight up shaking my can can so uh everybody uh you stay cool uh hope you have a good new year and uh this has been a real phone call. Just tell me what we're talking about right before I called. We're just finishing the show. I couldn't hear you. Anyway, we will have to jam soon. And the Super Argo mission was ultimately a success without us having to do Argo, which was, you know, good but not great from what I recall from, I think, four or five years ago when I saw it the one time. So, all right.

Sean, before you bounce, let's get in there. Yeah, I would like to just, before you bounce. I think there was a connection issue. I am a little concerned that he thinks he's in Hawaii because when we were in Waziristan, we definitely did see him there. And I wonder if potentially he's been tricked by the Taliban into thinking that. alaban into thinking that so he might be in some sort of tropic thunder situation where he thinks he's in a he thinks but it's the opposite right because he thinks he thinks he's on a hawaiian vacation but yeah he's actually i mean it's a little bit like the larry the cable guy movie which one the one where he rides that jet oh that's not a it's a prilosec commercial i thought it was a action movie for a second but it's a movie where it's a commercial where he's it's not uh larry the cable guy health inspector it's not witless

protection it's delta farce delta farce it's a little bit like delta farce is is bill ingvall in that one yes he is at that one yes it stars bill larry the cable guy dj qualls and uh danny trejo how'd they get danny trejo he doesn't do just anything no he doesn't sure he's done three i think three badass movies so far yeah where he's bringing to life that guy who got into that old man who got into a fight on a bus with some kids where he's done at least two of those. But he's very selective about the things he does. Yeah. The first thing he says is, he's like, is the check going to clear?

And then the second thing he says is, with or without my vest? Am I shirtless with a vest or not? Yeah. And then the next thing he says is, do I bring my machete to set or not? And then he asks about Crafty. He wants to make sure that there's a fish option at crafty he's uh he's a pescatarian he's just sick of the chicken he's just sick of the chicken anyway so we are back safely uh thanks to uh thanks to scott ackerman i guess um the the Taliban said they owed him a favor or something. And we're excited to get going back into the show.

We will be going dark again next week. Sean is continuing on his vacation. And I, I know if, you know, you say that you could just like in, and I guess we will. Sean Jr. Yeah, I guess we can begin that conversation, but I'll say, I guess if we don't have an episode next week,

then just assume that those conversations didn't go well. Well, you see, Hayes, if... And I'm doing the thing now. No, it sounds a lot like him. The way he says, you see haze if, and I'm doing the thing now. No, it sounds a lot like him. The way he says you see. You see in movie. It's great when people do that. I don't have it down as much as I thought I did.

I thought I had the thing down so much more. You had the two words that you say twice. I was doing it in the shower. What up, what up? Yeah. And then you see haze and then i thought i could just that would like start it but i realized i should have worked on it more all right so again it could happen next week we'll see what what we what results

we get with your sort of practice uh yes haze you see if we see i lost it again god damn it i thought i had the voice down i could feel what up what he wouldn't say it at this point of the show though this is the last place he'd say it well i mean i guess you can do we can give out the pro version to uh silver woman which is uh uh like a little introduction to sean jr sean jr you see silver girl you what up what up silver girl you oh it's harder to do a full impression to rather just it's easy to just capture it for a second you know what i mean? That's, I guess, the difference between these guys who do impressions versus just somebody at work just knocking out a few. I can't do it. I'm sorry.

I thought I had it. I don't have it. What up, what up? Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Oh, baby.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.