Hollywood Handbook - The We Don't Need Hayes Show with Jeff Dunham

Episode Date: November 2, 2015

With Hayes gone, Sean explains how he no longer has boundaries and can finally tell all his opinions uninterrupted. Then, guest Jeff Dunham can't make it to the show due to sabotage, so Sean makes do with just his puppets. Finally, The Question Zone makes an appearance and Sean goes through Hayes' secret Earwolf drawer.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Davenport. You guys know him. And we're heading to the studio to do the show because it's Saturday. And I am just telling him this really interesting fact that a lot of people maybe probably don't know, which is that Mexican Coke is actually different from American Coke. And it tastes so good because it's got real sugar. so good because it's got real sugar. And I'm just telling Hayes that like anyone would to be nice, because maybe then he can use that fact at a party or something. And he just goes, all of a sudden, he goes into the way that he does. He goes, Sean, you're mansplaining again. You know how he says that? And I'm like, uh, no, actually, I'm just telling you an interesting fact. And he goes, Sean, even the way you said you're telling me an interesting fact is you're mansplaining to me.

And I go, oh, yeah, Hayes, well, let me mansplain this in a way your little pea brain can understand. You say that word to me again, and I'm going to tell the guy who's driving to pull over, and you can walk to the studio. So then Hayes goes like, what word? And I go, you know what word, and you better not say it, Hayes. And he goes, no, I really don't know what word. And I go, well, good. If you don't know what word, then just don't say any words and we'll just be quiet on the way to the studio. And he goes, oh, I think I know what word. And I'm like, oh, no, he won't. And he does.

And he goes, man, explain which word you mean, Sean. And I said, Brutus, pull over this, this Luber. Uh, I should explain what a Luber is. So, um, you know, there's Lyft, there's Uber. Uh, we thought it would be kind of funny if we combine those two words and make our own car service called Luber. Now, why is it Luber other than just combining the names? Well, the back seats of all the cars we have is hard to get into. So you kind of have to grease up or just be smooth somehow because we really only have the one car. It's one of those ones with like three wheels that looks kind of stupid and cool at the same time. And what happened is I had left the door open pulling out of a gas station and it dented the hinge in. There's only a door on one side. It dented the hinge in so it doesn't open all the way. So if you're nice and lubed up, you can get into the luber, which me and Hayes did that morning. and lubed up, you can get into the luber, which me and Hayes did that morning. Anyway, Brutus pulls the luber over and Hayes sort of shimmies himself out and he goes, good luck doing the show by yourself today. Well, thank you. And I will. And welcome back to the We Don't Need Haze show.

It's an inside-out guide to making laughs and not needing any haze, and isn't it better without them? And so I got into the studio, and I guess no engineers were here yet, and Hes usually keeps track of the schedule of when we're supposed to be here. So I hit a bunch of buttons and hopefully now you can hear me and I'm recording and we're just having a fun thing. And the show's about entertainment and it's about Hollywood and it's about being able to stand on your own two feet. And one thing, dear listeners and handbook heads, that maybe you are always mad about when Hayes is here, and I know I am, is that he doesn't let me go off on my famous rants and he doesn't want me to do any of the great stuff I have cooked up. So maybe now that he's gone, maybe we can really get frank about some of the big issues

and now just get into that like fracking and all that. And so let's just pull up the news and I'll just go and I'll just riff and I won't have Hayes stopping me. and I'll just riff and I won't have haze stopping me. So, U.S. is not entering into Syria's civil war. Why so Syria? The Joker.ussian plane crash investigation begins into cause of a321 crash okay i'm gonna go there uh why don't they just make the whole plane out of the black box Romanian nightclub fire kills 27 National mourning declared in Bucharest

Buka de Beppo Buka give it a rest What would I normally say about this if Hayes was here? Let's skip that one. That's sad. Student protests, firing school officers. This is tough news. German frustration.

I feel you, Germany. Okay. I'm not going to say that word. Oh. Okay. I'm not going to say that word. Oh, what about, oh, you know what? Let's just go entertainment. That's wise. That news is too dark. And it's the lame stream media, and have you heard that before, is just trying to sell us, and if it bleeds, it leads, when really there's not that much violence out

there um new star wars commercial i don't want to get spoiled i don't want to get spoiled on that so i won't look at that what your favorite horror movie uh nope sorry uh uh oh that's more Star Wars. Why is all this Star Wars? Oh, James Bond. Now, this is something that I'm sure that I'll have an opinion on. The director offers tips to young directors. Okay, where'd you get that idea, Sam Mendes, offering tips? Oh, let me guess. I, uh, and, and imagine that how your movies would be instead of good. Like what I said to do, here's probably what he says, how to direct. And I'll see what his tips are. And I'll tell you if they're good or not. And he's got 10 of them.

Get in touch with your inner 12 year old. Uh, get in touch with your inner like 16 year old, because when you're 12, you don't really know how to have sex good yet. And I know Hayes wouldn't want to talk about that. But honestly, like, yeah, you're starting to do it, of course. And we all were. But you're actually not great at it yet, because a lot of it, you're still just so surprised of like what all the pieces is, you know? So don't do that. All right. You can only ever point the camera at one thing at a time. Okay. Number one, get two cameras. Number two, heard of a GoPro?

You can actually see the whole ocean with it. So, and just strap it to something. So, number three, you're playing roulette with someone else's money. If you're going to bet it all on black, you need to be able to explain why. So, this is about diversity in film, obviously. I know it's a problem. You know it's a problem. Viola Davis knows the problem. She talked about it a speech. So I would say that I don't understand why Sam Mendes is saying to everyone, like, if you put black people in your movie, you have to have a really good reason. For me, the good reason would just be they should be in movies too. And I know that's not popular to say, and I know certainly Hayes wouldn't want them in there. popular to say, and I know certainly Hayes wouldn't want them in there.

But I think those guys are great. And even Chinese guys and Spanish guys too could all do in the movies and they should all get paid the same as how much money they make back. So that to me, and also about like wage inequality in general. The reason that some kinds of people are getting paid less than other kinds of people is that certain kinds of people probably don't do all their own stunts like Tom Cruise does. Now, and take that, Hayes, you would have tried to stop me from saying that. Number four, making an action sequence

is only interesting when you're in the cutting room. Up until then, it is literally the most tedious thing you will ever do. So that's his tip to you as a director. So I guess he's saying don't make action sequences, but I actually think there a lot of times are the best part of movies, especially if it's an action-based movie like James Bond. The guy who made James Bond is saying don't do any action sequences. I'm sorry. I call BS. Oh, wait, I can actually say it now. Bull spit. Okay, number five. On the day, be prepared, but also be prepared to make shit up. All right, Sam, I've raked you over the coals a couple of times, but I love that you're swearing. I love that you're making fun of the Boy Scouts. I love that you're talking about doing improv,

which is like the rawest, purest expression of just like the comedy of the mind. I mean, in a way, that's what I do here on the We Don't Need Haze show, is I just invite you to sort of lurk through the hallways of my twisted inner mind and to sort of creak open the doors that maybe should have stayed shut and peer into the most secretive, dark thoughts. Like, what if, you know, like what if um we're all just bugs so number six when you're choosing for collaborators when you're choosing for

collaborators it's not the number four when you're choosing for a collaborator it should just be when we're choosing collaborate i'm not going to get caught up in the grammar. That's what Hayes would do. When you're choosing for collaborators, do not listen to the people who tell you, yes, but I've never done a big movie. And don't listen to the people too who are like, ooh, you're mansplaining,

when really you're just trying to help them be interesting at a party. So yeah, they say, yes, but I've never done a big movie. If they're any good, they will learn just like I did. I don't understand this tip. Skipping it. You need to learn, number seven, you need to learn to tune out the white noise. So again, he's obsessed with people's race and their skin color in movies. And I would say that you don't have to tune out the white people's noise. What you can do is just listen to them equally. And that's a big thing I've always been a fan of. And I've actually been wanting to get less white noise on this podcast and more noise of, uh, other kinds.

And hey, is it a reason that we don't have, uh, um, more diverse guests? So, uh, number eight, Tarantino, Spielberg, Nolan, Scorsese, Greengrass, JJ, and Paul Thomas Anderson all still shoot on film. There's a reason. I would say one of these things is not like the others. Tarantino, Spielberg, Nolan, Scorsese, Greengrass, JJ, and Paul Thomas Anderson. Anybody feel like he shoehorned Greengrass in there? Number nine, you're trying to surf the big wave, so be prepared to be wiped out.

Holy shit, this is just really fucking good advice. You're trying to surf the big wave, so be prepared to be wiped out. But when you catch it, it feels like nothing else. So this is a little bit about sort of my Zen philosophy too of life is just surfing waves. And if you've ever been out there on the ocean, no wetsuit, no rash gear, just you and your bros straight up riding on the ocean, fucking high-fiving sea lions, grooving through the waves, catching gnarly tubes, getting totally pitted, and then straight up when you surf all the way in, just popping off the board, stepping on the back of it like it's a surfboard, catching it over your shoulder in the one hand, and then putting your other arm around a honey and straight up. Now she's with you.

If you look at life that way, then you'll be a good director like me and Sam Mendes. And then number 10, when you get excited, don't be afraid to leap out of your chair and sing the Bond theme. That's fun. So he's saying that when you do get boned out, when you have a major rock and hard one, a lot of people are afraid to leap out of their chair and stand up because it's like you're going to be able to see that it's sticking out. And so he's saying, look, you're the boss, you're the director. If you are feeling sort of saucy and you got the juices flowing downstairs, don't be afraid to let people know, hey, this is what I'm working with. And right now,

since you all work for me, you should have to look at it. And singing the Bond theme, I assume that's a joke. It's probably you can sing anything you want. And that's something we're going to be doing on this show now is I can play more of the kind of music that I like. Hayes doesn't really always, the best taste in music? And he maybe is telling us what we should listen to when actually I have like some really cool modern stuff that I'm into that maybe you guys don't know about. And so let's just hear a tune that Hayes normally wouldn't let us do.

wouldn't let us do. Ooh. The na-na sweet for your eating. That's right. Her grandma cooked us nice dinner, and you get to friggin' just dig in. And Hazel never want this, because he doesn't think women should be allowed to sing.

Bop, bop. Ah, yeah. And he always doesn't want me to play it for this long because then they'll have to retroactively take it out of the podcast. But no rules, baby. Let's hear one more jam. Come on, I just

gotta dance. Ooh. And you don't always have to have jokes or something to say during a song. Sometimes it's just about people listening to music and knowing that you're kind of bopping and dancing while the music's going on. And you can feel that at home through the mic, can't you? That I'm like doing all my best moves and that I've got more room to do it. That I'm like doing all my best moves and that I've got more room to do it.

I don't even know this song. But it doesn't matter, you know? So anyway, what we're going to be doing today is just a lot more of what you've already experienced where there's really no boundaries and we're not being limited in the way that maybe we used to be. And it's almost like I've been running with weights on all this time. And finally I can sail and jump higher from the strength I have. We have a guest. His name's Jeff Dunham. You know him. His characters are wild. He heard the Paul Rust episode of the podcast that we did where we made a great joke. Now, who's the Dunham?

It was about Jeff Dunham having Lena Dunham on his left, on his lap. I'm not used to talking this much. On his lap with dummy mouth. And she's going, now who's the Dunham? Now who's the Dunham? Anyway, Jeff heard it and he thought that it should have gotten more attention. More people should have quoted it in Reddit threads, things like that, because he thought it's very clever. And he wanted to come on to talk about that. So that'll be coming up after the break. And I hope you like the new version of the show, which is actually is even better and more

raw and has more good tips than the old one. And that's it. Bye. That's it. Bye. So I got a text from Hayes Davenport. And basically what he said is, good luck with the podcast. I've got Jeff Dunham. He, he, he. And he sent a picture of me and Jeff Dunham, he, he, he. And he sent a picture of me, and Jeff Dunham is tied up.

And he's on the back of Hayes' 10-speed. So at this point, I have no co-host. I have no guest. One of who, someone who I actually thought was actually one of my friends cues me of mansplaining when really the whole point was just like, the Coke is extra sweet, but it's sweet in a way that's more natural. And that's what makes me think Coke's so good. And so if you have something like that to offer people in the glass bottle at your party, they're going to really think that you're cool and you could tell them why it tastes so good.

And that's not mansplaining people that's just being a buddy and who's smart and knows more than the person you're talking to so appreciate that one thing Hayes never would let me do and I always wanted to be nice to our

fans and they write letters and ask for things and I go let's give it to them let's embrace our fans and they write letters and ask for things and I go, let's give it to them. Let's embrace our fans. And he goes, no, and he's cold. But I am warm and there's a man named Nathaniel Glassman and his 22nd birthday is right now, basically. And I remember being 22.

I remember when Taylor Swift was that as well. And so, happy birthday, glass man. And you remind me of Unbreakable and Philip Glass or whatever, who has scary bones. And I can be brave about that, even without Hayes here. Talking about scary movies like Shyamalan makes. So, unfortunately, Mr. Dunham, it appears, is indisposed and uh and Hayes keeps texting saying that he's now doing his own podcast with Jeff and they're having a lot of fun but if it's so much fun then why does Jeff have to be tied up in the back of a 10 speed uh at least let him ride on the pegs on the front, you know? So I am going to, uh, have to pivot a little on what

I intended to do for the guest segment of the show. Um, here, so one great thing is Jeff's puppets got shipped ahead of time because he obviously was not going to be carrying them all in through the elevator. So they're here and they are some of the most wondrous characters you've ever seen. meet the man behind the many through his closest friends, these unbelievable characters that have sprung from his imagination and taken on full life. And so I'm just going to start sort of opening up these duffels and boxes and getting out some of these guys and ladies who are these great characters that are so fun to talk to. And let's just... Hi there! Oh, hey there, you.

My name's Dr. Walnut. Dr. Walnut. Oh, good. And how do you know Jeff? He put his hand in my tuchus. Okay, Dr. Walnut. Okay. No, it's, Dr. Walnut. Okay.

No, it's, he's my dad. Oh, okay. And you have crazy, just your crazy colors and all of that. What are you a doctor of? I'm an anesthesiologist. Oh, I've heard that's very competitive. They do very well financially. Yeah.

Okay, well, thank you so much, Dr. Walnut. It was so fun having you. So we're going to move on from Dr. Walnut. I didn't really get what his whole thing was, you know? Hey, man. Oh, hello, sir. Who are you? I'm Jose Jalapeno.

Ooh, look, I got to smash the piñata. Okay. So, all right. So, hi, Jose Jalapeno. So, you're of Mexican descent. Why were you saying that? I just, you saying that? I just... You know what? I made an unfair assumption based on the way you were behaving.

Is that... Am I not... Is that... I guess I never really thought about who my parents are or my cultural heritage. Jeff never wants that kind of thing from me. You feel like Jeff limits you in what you can say on stage? Yeah, he just wants my piñata material. Just the piñata stuff, huh?

Well, Jose, I mean, what do you want to talk about? Fracking. You want to talk about fracking? Yes, it's a real problem. We need to somehow curb our reliance on fossil fuels. Curb our reliance on fossil fuels because if pretty soon we're going to be smashing the earth, blowing it up like a freaking piñata. Right. Yeah. Yeah. We're causing, you know, potentially causing earthquakes with the way that we're sort of drilling these areas and yeah. And you're afraid the earth will blow up like as you say, like a piñata.

Yeah, will it? Okay, so it's unfair. I say, Jeff, only let me talk about piñata. Then I bring up piñata a minute later. But it really did apply to that. Okay, well, let's talk about something that doesn't apply to it, Jose like what else you know hit me like what else is up like what's going on uh for you personally um i had like a medical scare recently oh i'm sorry yeah uh

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, Bell's palsy. It was all stress, but one whole side of my face was just drooping. And I think it's just the road life. I think it's the touring and all that. Just not really having a home where you feel like you planted your own two feet. Just always being moving and not really having a family, all the pressures of performing night after night. Anyway, it went away, but it was a scary week.

And I just want to say, take the time to concern yourself with self-care. Okay. And did you want to do anything else about pinatas before I put you away? Sure. Let me think. What do I got? Okay. Like, hey, man, watch where you're swinging that thing

you're supposed to be aiming for the piñata not for my head right that's like if somebody if we could see someone and they were swinging like a stick and they were almost gonna hit you in the head yep okay uh let's see who else we got and that was fun um all right so uh okay and we've opened up and let's see who's inside and it's uh sort of a bin Laden-y looking guy. I don't know if that's not the way to say it. Hello, sir? Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, jingle odd. Is Jeff not here?

No, Jeff's not here. Oh, good. He makes me do the jingle bombs thing. Do you... Do you not want to do the jingle bombs thing? No. It's offensive to me. I'm just a...

I'm just a Muslim skeleton. I was killed by a U.S. throne. And... Now... And I was killed by a US drone. And now, to add insult to injury, my carcass has been repurposed to become a puppet. And the puppet has to say very offensive things about my culture, which people all throughout the Midwest, the kind of people who blindly supported the drone bombings that killed me and my family when I was just really committing no crime other than living in a region that you didn't like. Anyway, those kinds of people, they laugh at me embodying this stereotype. Okay. I'm sorry. I never got your name. My real name? Yeah, your real name. My real name is Sharif, but I'm called Ahmed the Dead Terrorist when I'm on stage. Holy shit, Achmed, the dead terrorist. That's, uh, wow. That's insane that someone would have that. That would be like a popular act. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um, and then did you want to do, I know you don't want to do jingle bombs,

and then did you want to do I know you don't want to do jingle bombs but do you want to do anything funny while you're here just because I feel like all my interviews with these puppets are getting kind of like heavy you know you're a repurposed carcass

who basically has to debase yourself over and over again and while that's interesting it's not really cracking me up. Okay, something not jingle bombs, but something funny. Okay, let me try to help you out, bud. Okay. I mean, can I bounce off stuff that's in the news?

Yeah, I mean, I tried to do that earlier and it wasn't getting me a ton. But shit, I mean, I'll give it a shot. I mean, what are you? Have you seen that Hotline Bling video? Yeah, I have. Okay, yeah, I've heard that's good. Alright. Um...

Hmm. I mean, you got any other... Do I have news to give you? Yeah, I guess that's asking a lot. No, no, no. ESPN killed Grantland yesterday.

I mean, that was a big thing. Where will I get my hyperlinks now? All right, thanks, Sharif. Really cool to meet you. So I guess over here in this other corner, we have, you know, another bag of puppets and this one's some new puppets on the show. And we were really excited to sort of like share in that moment with you because obviously there's the puppets he has like Professor Walnut, Jose Halpeño, and Sharif Ahmed Daterras, who we all love, but he's always innovating. And that's part of what's so great about mr dunham uh and i hope

that he does safely get off of hayes's bike but i'm just gonna open this and see like what he's been working on in his lab you know Oh, most honorable. Is Jeff not here? No, Jeff's not here. What's your name? Well, he makes me call myself Samurai Ishii and do this whole like, I don't know. It doesn't even make sense.

It's kind of like a bunch of Japanese buzzwords. And he makes me use that most honorable voice. And that's not my real voice. And I am actually just a carcass that he found and repurposed. He dug me up, but I died in a Japanese internment camp. Oh, wow. That's a dark chapter of US history that not a lot of us remember. Yeah. Following the bombing of Pearl Harbor, a lot of the United States became very uncomfortable with Japanese citizens. It was sort of, this is the enemy, and here they are living

in our communities, and they rounded up, you know, U.S. citizens who were just working normal people with businesses and made them live in, you know, these camps inside of California. Yeah, no, I know about it. You don't need to mansplain it to me. Ha ha. Okay. Anyway, yeah. So, I don't, do you want me to do the Jeff act?

The, like, Japanese buzzwords thing? Yeah, I mean, I'm here. Sure. Oh, I'm here. Sure. Oh, pass the sushi. Kitana blade. Hiroshima. That's literally the act? Well, he's still working it out and it's not finished but yeah i mean that's sort of what we're moving towards is me shouting hiroshima as the punchline

wow okay well it was great to meet you samurai ishi or i'm that's not your real name i'm dennis my name's dennis okay well uh it was nice to meet you, Dennis. Do we have any more puppets in here? Hey now, sexy. What's going on, sugar? Why don't you give me a little kiss on my nae-na? Miss, Miss, Jeff's not here, just so you know, if you don't want to be behaving that way. Oh, no, I do want to behave this way. This is what I really am, just an empowered woman who loves sex.

Oh, wait, as I'm reading the label, this puppet was labeled like not for shows, not for performance, Jeff's private puppet collection. Oh, yeah, I don't go out on stage. I'm just the only way that Jeff can achieve sexual satisfaction is by making love to my puppet body. Okay, well, I'm going to put you in because just even the fact that I took you out I feel uncomfortable No, please Now I crave To be caressed By a man Where's Jeff? I gotta get off

I'm going to put you away Okay No, please Oh, as a woman Desire to be to be finished off sexually. This is so uncomfortable. Please, I don't want to do this. Please, I miss.

I almost said I miss Hayes, but I don't. I'm fine without him. Now, there were some popcorn gallery questions, although I think Hayes technically has the rights to the name popcorn gallery and, and all that. So what I'm going to do is, uh, call it a new name and it'll be even better. Um, the, uh, the question zone. Welcome to the question zone. So that I think is even better than the theme song we had for the popcorn gallery.

I think it's even better than the theme song we had for the popcorn gallery. Jeff, here's some questions from the question zone for Jeff Dunham, and hopefully I can answer them. Okay, Joma Girl says, Jeff, ever fuck them puppets? He does. This is... What's your favorite Angry Birds level? Mine's either Bad Piggies or Ham Em High.

Whatever the first one where the boomerang bird shows up, that's the one he likes. This one's about seatbelt laws. Let's see. Somebody asked what his favorite Metallica album is. Probably it's set up to say Master of Puppets. That's see. Somebody asked what his favorite Metallica album is. Probably it's set up to say Master of Puppets. That's funny. This one is...

Okay, this was a question for Jose Jalapeno, so I can get him back out if we need to. This question's for Jose Jalapeno in the question zone. Jose, how are you doing, bro? I just want to know how you sleep at night knowing you completely stole my persona for your acts. And this guy, so I guess this guy was doing piñata stuff first. Jose, do you want to come back out and respond to that? No, thank you.

No, gracias. Yeah, that's funny. no gracias yeah that's funny alright so I think the question zone is going really well I guess I haven't been getting the questions out of whatever the signature

sort of package will be. I didn't have Mark recording any sound drops for that. That'll be even better. This next question, we will get it out of the zone locker. Yes. Okay, so I'm going to reach into the zone locker to get this next one.

Left. 27. Right, 59, left, 26, right, 58, left, 25, right. 57. Left. 25. Right. 56. Lock one complete. All right.

So, good. So, we're getting closer to getting into the zone locker for the question zone question. Oh, it's just a latch. Jeff, you like that all day breakfast at McDonald's? It's the best. And that's from Chanson. So I guess I'll ask one of his puppets to answer. Dr. Walnut, do you know? Um, yeah.

He likes the McDonald's breakfast. But they're taking a bath on it. They're losing a lot of money. Well, Jeff, uh, Jeff can't like that. So I'm done with the puppets. It was so awesome. And I think we can all agree this was better than when Hayes is here.

So one thing I wanted to do. Oh, I'm going to double back real quick and just get all the puppets out. And one thing that Hayes like won't, uh, really like usually let me do is just straight up, have a dance party because he says it's too visual. And I just think like, Oh,

with all these puppets in here, like just people will be able to feel the fun coming through the mic. So, uh, Ahmed slash Sharif, uh, Jose Halpeno, uh, Professor Walnut, uh, or maybe doctor, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, Sletty Denise, Dennis slash Ishii, the Zebrai. Um, could all you guys come out And just get out and just Just kind of groove with me

Yes sir Yeah Yeah Si Yeah Okay Yeah Okay so and let's just fucking dance guys

Lay lay lay Lay across my big brain Yeah. Okay, so, and let's just fucking dance, guys. Woo! Ishi, you're getting down. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Ooh, guys would never let me groove like this. Yeah. Oh, and when the drums come in.

And get, and oh, and take my hand, slutty Denise, and I'm going to spin you. Whee! And get over here, Dr. Walnut, get on my shoulders, and I'm going to raise the roof with you okay and I haven't forgotten you Samurai Ishii

stay with your man Hiroshima alright so what a fun dance party that was. And then the last thing I wanted to do just before I leave is Hayes has a private drawer in the Earwolf studio. And it says, hands off, Hayes' drawer, and no one's allowed in here. And I am always so curious about what's in there. And now that he's not here and he's doing his own podcast with Jeff, then I guess I'm finally going to look at it and let's just clown on this fool. And let's just, everybody let's go through Hayes's drawer and I'll just talk about

the items and I'll just riff on those the way I did on the news stuff. And, uh, and we'll just clown on them. So like, okay. And I'm just, and, and, and it's open now and, and I'm just going through it and just picking out and like, what can I like riff on? It's like, okay. All right. Uh, oh, it's, uh, okay. This is, um, oh, it's a movie ticket to, oh, it's kind of faded. It's like an older movie ticket. movie The Perfect Score with young Erica Christensen about breaking into the dean's office to steal SAT answers or something. So Hayes has a ticket to that movie. Hello. You know, that movie was pretty good. So, okay, this is a movie's cafe menu. Hayes, we've been there about a billion times. I don't think you need to keep the menu. Can you not remember? It's like

we order the same thing every time. So, what a dork. Oh, okay. It's a comb. Okay, I'm Hayes. Must comb. Look at me. I'm combing. Alright. What else has he got in here? Okay.

This is like a golf ball from like a charity tournament. We were partners at this tournament. That was a fun day. And actually, that movie, The Perfect Score, that's the first movie we saw together after we started doing a podcast. Let me see this movie's cafe menu. There's a date written on it.

It's my birthday. 25 years ago, that was the first time we went to Movies Cafe. And he circled, he circled what I ordered. Guess he didn't want to forget. Well, what a dork. This comb.

This is the comb he used to pull all the nettles and pine cones out of my hair. After I got stuck in that tree. I was climbing this pine tree, and Hayes agreed to watch because I told him I was going to climb so high this time. And as I got higher and higher, the branches got thinner, and I was sort of looking up and moving, and he was watching and clapping. And I got scared when I looked back down, and I wound up sitting up there for about a day. Anyway, when they finally came and got me down, I had all these nettles and pine cones, and Hayes picked them out.

Well, let's see what else this loser has in here. Oh, a drawing, a picture. It's a picture of us. It's a drawing of the two of us riding on a shark A mega shark, I think It's this Hollywood handbook I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So, okay.

Friendship. So, friendship can be hard, right? Because you don't always agree and it's a different person and it's not up to you how they respond to getting cool Mexican Coke facts. The only thing that's up to you is how you treat them afterwards. And I think I made a mistake. I'd like to try to call Hayes now. I don't know how a lot of this equipment works in the studio. Obviously, it's a minor miracle that I was able to record anything, if this even is

being recorded. But let's... Beep, bop, boop, bop, beep, bop, boop, boop, beep, bop, boop, boop, beep, boop, boop, beep, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Okay. And that... Oh, God, it's working. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hey, Hayes.

Hey, is that you? Yes, who's this? It's a... it's a fool oh I know somebody like that I used to have a friend like that sorry it's loud no it's okay don't you say sorry to me

I'm the one who owes you a sorry yeah well you did used to have a friend and you still do if you want him I didn't know you drew this picture of us on a mega shark together You found that? Yeah, I'm sorry, I went in your drawer It's pretty rando, huh? Two dudes riding a shark?

It's about as rando as it gets. Hey, I'm sorry. to you, but now I see how the way I told you about the sweet, tasty Coke felt that way to you. And you were acting as if I don't know that it has real sugar, that it doesn't have high fructose corn syrup, and that you can only get it from Mexico. I know. I know. I know.

And as much as I... It's glass bottles for recycling. Yeah, all of it. As much as I wanted you to look cool at parties when you were able to offer that and explain what was good about it, I guess I should have given you at least a little bit of credit

for already knowing. Well, look, would you ever consider coming back to do the podcast again i mean i stepped out of the who are you with what Who are you with right now? I'm with um, you know, I have a couple other friends. I mean, you know,

I don't know if you noticed, I stepped out of the car into an open manhole. And I kind of drifted along for a while, sort of thinking about what had just happened well and then you kidnapped you kidnapped Jeff Dunham and tied him to the back of your 10 speed I could have what you you kidnapped Jeff Dunham and you tied him to the back of your 10 speed unless that was photoshopped yeah and the two of us went down a ramp into an open manhole

i see now we're sort of having a halloween party down here i don't know it's not bad there's like a trapped bird down here who's nice that sounds like a lot of fun if you want to come here you'd you'd have me? I mean, I'll talk to Jeff. I'll talk to the bird. The trap bird is pretty messed up at this point. But yeah, I'll talk to the guys.

You know, text me. The water's going crazy. It's kind of rising and falling. And I'm trying to keep my, you know, I just. The water's going crazy. It's kind of rising and falling, and I'm trying to keep my, you know, I just got that new phone case. I'm trying to keep my phone clean, but you should be able to text me. You know, are you wrapping up?

How's it going? I would say it's gone really good. Yeah, there are no, like, big gaps. There are no, like no long pauses or anything There's not really been any sort of aimless stuff The puppet interviews in particular really worked They all sort of had an identity And it was like each one was a totally different

New kind of funny avenue that we found I'm really glad to hear that. I mean, you know, I guess I can say this now that I know it went so well. I was worried that you would run out of gas very fast. Yeah, okay. It's funny now because I'm so glad it went so great, but I was, you know, I did wonder.

That when you heard that I was doing it by myself and just me and the puppets, that you thought that maybe... That maybe even when I was interacting with the puppets, that it would probably frequently sound like the same voice talking to itself? It's just not your forte necessarily. You're good at so many things, but that is...

That I played to my weaknesses. That I played to my weaknesses. That I played to my weaknesses. A lot of unique characters on top of each other, you know. Yeah, keeping track of it. But it was great, I guess. It is great. Taking nothing away from you, it's maybe our best episode. And I'm excited to sort of bring what I learned today

into us doing stuff together again. And, um, uh, and so, uh, I'll come down, I'll get in the manhole. I mean, I'll just hop in the manhole and, uh, and I'm sure the current will take me there. I, you, as you know, also have a new phone case. So, um, maybe I'll put it in a little baggie or something. What's on your, you were going to show me what's on your new phone case so um maybe i'll put it in a little baggie or something what's on your

you were going to show me what's on your new phone case um today yeah that had been yeah sort of a treat that i was saving for the end of the episode um do you wanna i mean i'm sure you have all you know it sounds like you have plenty of gas left so do you want to just tell me what's on it? Yeah, absolutely. It's Oliver Stone. Oh, wow. Is he working on any specific one of his movies? W. It's W. Which one? W. Oh, it? W. It's W.

Which one? W. Oh, it's W. That sounds really nice. Yeah, you can tell it's W from his jacket. What was on your phone case? I never did get to see it. That's, um,'s two lesbians

like from mulholland lying on the bed and they're it's like those two lesbians are like lying down on the white bed and like they're gonna kiss you know the one i have a poster of it as well. Yes. Oh, from the poster. Wow. And they shrunk that image down. I took a picture. No, I took a picture of, they can turn any picture into a phone case. So I took a picture of the poster using my phone and you know, it's my home screen, but now it's on the back of my phone as well and that just reminds me of this life hack that i like to share whenever it comes up because first and foremost it is a show about life hacks when you go on splash mountain and they try to make you pay for a picture at

the end where you do during the big splash you don't have to friggin' buy the picture if you take a picture of the picture. Yes. Well, that... I'm really glad you called. We're falling back into our old ways, huh? I know, I know. I act like it's great down here, but I did really... I missed this.

And it takes a big, brave boy to make that apology. So, thank you. Well, thank you, and now that you're admitting that maybe it's not quite as great down there in the sewer, I have a little bit of a confession, too.

One of the puppet interviews wasn't super funny. Okay. Was it an early one or later one? Honestly, take your pick. Okay. So take my pick, but only one of them was that. But you can only feel like one wasn't funny because they were all

such different styles of humor that you know okay there's something for everyone in the episode but everyone will have one that is like because it's like a series of like really niche kind of comedic techniques okay and so everyone's everyone's going to have one they love that they feel like is just for them, but everyone's also going to have one where they're like, that one didn't work, but it'll be different for everyone. Okay. Yeah.

Well, I'm excited to hear it. I mean, it's being released very soon. Yes. So hopefully there's enough time to edit it before then, um, before then, but I'm sure it won't. If he even needs that. Yeah. So, um, okay. So did you want to give the pro version to anyone before we go? Yeah, I guess I'll give it to this trapped bird. Okay. Um, he seems to think that the water is like the sky now. So he keeps trying to like fly

away into the water. Okay. Well, Trapped Bird, we salute you. Bye. Bye. this has been an Earwolf production executive produced by Scott Ackerman Adam Sachs and Chris Bannon

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