Hollywood Handbook - The Wendigabrus, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: January 23, 2017

Sean and JON GABRUS help Hayes resolve an issue that has arisen from last week's episode. This episode is sponsored by The Harold Ramis Film School, ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/first), and Harry's (www.harrys.com code: HANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, it's me, Magilla Gorilla, Pippi Longstocking, and we're all sort of jammed in this chimney together, all stuck, and getting kind of nervous, getting a little claustrophobic because, of course, we had each shown up at our... It's a little complicated, but it was my godson's first Christmas in July, and I wanted to surprise him by being my sort of Santa Man persona.

And so I show up with the little red shorts and the tight red Hawaiian shirt and the little red stocking cap and the neatly trimmed beard. And I'm crawling in the chimney, and my foot touches something. It's McGilligurrilla. He's below me. Turns out he is this child's godson as well, or godfather. And above me, oh, feet on my head.

Oh, look, it's Pippi Longstocking, who's very old now and very grotesque. And I'm not enjoying this, and we can't get out, and they're starting a fire downstairs, which I don't know why they're doing that in July, but it's getting very smoky, and we're having trouble breathing. My girl, Gorilla, did die. And when I do finally get out, John,

I get on the roof, and I grab Rhea Perlman and I say, how many godparents does this kid have? I'm talking about her, of course. She's on the roof? I'm her godfather. No, no, no. No, yeah, she's on the roof. Okay. Because at this point, they needed to get a machine to get me out.

Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. So Rhea Perlman's on the roof guiding like a machine to get me out. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. So Ray Parman's on the roof guiding- And she's like the machine operator. Oh, she's operating the machine. But she also is one of the godparents of this kid. And I can't remember the kid's name. Do they-

Does that make- Banksy. Bonksy. Something like this. Does that make you guys godbr brothers and God sisters? Do you have any relation to them? My understanding was there's only supposed to be two. One of each. One of, yes. A parent, yeah.

A father and a mother. An Indian and an Abbey, yeah. Yeah, exactly. But... There's only one God. Now that's... Now, Brett, I usually don't want you to chime in this early I'm sorry Hang on

Welcome to Hollywood Handbook And it's our guide to kicking butt Dropping names Recurring life Like always in this interview We're called Showbiz What up what up I'm here with John Gabrus

Obviously if you didn't listen to the last episode Go back and listen from the beginning Until you catch up to that one And then listen to that one And then do this Yeah this is canon If you ever miss any You're doing it wrong.

This show's so good, we always make it so good. It's never half-baked. Unless you're talking about the movie Half-Baked, which we think is so funny. The guy on the couch, if you remember. Ah, dude, he's hilarious. That's, uh, what's his name? Maui Waui.

It's Stephen Wright is the guy on the couch, right? Maybe. Yeah. So, um, we, who's coming with me? his name Maui Wowie it's Stephen Wright is the guy in the couch maybe yeah so um we who's coming with me remember he does Jerry Maguire yeah so um we so we did an episode last tried to beat John Gaber said his own game. He obviously, as part of a nefarious plot, wanted to break up me and Hayes by doing a very popular podcast with Hayes about newspaper comics. It had a really long tail on it. It's been performing very well.

It's incredibly well received. And he wanted, I guess, to try to steal Hayes. So I said, well, I'm going to fix Hayes' britches. I'm the britches tailor. I'm here to get his britches fitting him now because John had made him so big he couldn't fit them anymore. But if you had listened to last week's episode, you know all this already, right? Oh, yes. Well, okay.

So listen to that episode but let me just explain quickly john and i'm almost at the point so we brought in joe wanger we did a much better podcast episode than what john and hayes were doing with their thing which was honestly just sort of lackluster and drab i don't think i'm spilling it yeah i didn't i mean i didn't have a theremin or an engineer at all in my episode, so that's fair. Right, exactly. We've got Brett here. When you eat bread, it brings the heat.

And Brett, who's the one true God? Who? Who's the one true God? Well, it's a she, first of all. Uh-huh. Yeah, I didn't say. Yeah. You said he.

Okay, cool. Huh? No, I didn't. Okay. I said, Brett, who's the one true God? Just answer the fucking question. If it's a woman, you know they're nameless. It's a she. Okay. I said, Brett, who's the one true God? Just answer the fucking question. If it's a woman, you know, they're nameless.

Okay. Is it Alanis Morissette? Did Dogma get it right? Wouldn't that be ironic? Oh, snap, dude. Interesting fact about that song. She's talking about Dave Coulier. Yeah.

That's right. Go-to mid-30s white guy fact. So, um... it's not that it's a different song so first I thought it was a really good joke but then I was like

oh you don't know what the fuck you're talking about so um what I was gonna say is we had Joe Wanger in

and he uh basically made Gabrus look like a fucking sick joke uh carbon copy version of himself because he totally blew him out of the water. Wengert made me look like a copy of myself. Yes.

He really showed that your sort of act is kind of threadbare and you're not innovating. It is easily replicable. Yes, and he could do it and outdo it. And the unfortunate side effect was Wengard embraced his role a little too enthusiastically and he has become a berserker

who is wreaking havoc on the city. He's gone rogue and he is out Gaberson Gabers so hard that we're in a state of emergency, and they're about to declare martial law. That's literally why I came in here. It's because I got a call from my contact at Top 10 Skateboard Fails.

It's a weekly show. I am a talking head on. And Wanger, it's there. That's kind of what you do. Yeah, that's me. Hashtag O-O-O-O-O-O-H. That's my jam. And Wanger, it's over there demanding that he gets a chance in the chair to make.

He keeps saying that sweet, sweet non-union money. He's like, this is all shit I say. Yeah. And he's really fucking, you know, he's eating my lunch over there. Literally, they have my lunch over there and he's eating it. That's 100 chicken wings. Yeah. And he's really fucking, you know, he's eating my lunch over there. Literally, they have my lunch over there, and he's eating it. That's 100 chicken wings. Yeah. No, he's—

My contractually obligated lunch. He's put on a few LBs, and he's—you know, that's the least of our problem is him being a talking head on shows because he's also um i heard went to the zoo and was doing some pretty funny stuff there so he was doing a chin-up contest against an orangutan against an orangutan yeah and how'd he get in the cage and then he punched the orangutan pretty hard and he tried to rugby tackle him he kept saying yeah well that's the thing what he was doing he's not trained in rugby i'm not that i'm i'm barely trained yeah he doesn't know what he was doing he's not trained in rugby and not that i'm i'm barely trained yeah he doesn't know what he's doing he's gonna get himself hurt or someone else or more importantly for anyone he's gonna fuck up my rep yeah i've got a brand to maintain yeah he is saying i'm john gabris and

then he'll do like a big thing or sometimes he says garbus yeah and he does and then he'll do a big crazy thing so the reason we brought john in here is at the request of the FBI to be a wolf, you got to catch a wolf or something to that effect. And we're trying to catch a wolf, so we got to be a wolf. And John Gamers is going to invite us into his mind and try to anticipate the next step of Joe Wenger. We obviously have our man on the street, Mr. Hayes Dabinpour, and he's going to Dabinpour his way through the city and capture Joe Wenger with any luck. Hayes, are you there? Hello? Can you hear me?

We can. Okay. Um, I'm on foot. So I went to his house. Oh God. Um, we're on the LA river now. Is he? Let me in.

And, um, he, uh, I think he's been taking this kind of synthetic um hormone called gabrizone and he's big he's like really big and i don't mean that like to say anything about you john i don't know that yeah i was but he is i was going to eventually address that the whole britches thing was just like completely figurative right no no no no mean, we don't have a huge amount of time to talk about that, but that was not. I could see how you could interpret it that way. Okay. Well, Wenger, it's huge now. This is good for us, though.

It limits. He's become something. It's like a Wendigo. He calls himself a Wendigo because of the Wendigabris. And he's going, he's like, he's going down the LA River now in leaps,

like these big leaps. And I don't know. Why would he be near the river, John? What would he need that's near the river? Oh, I mean, he might be, he might have cotton mouth from a couple of epic bingers. Oh, no. Did he rip bingers? Do you know anything? Did the house smell of sativa? Can you see a gravity bong? John has always said that it's better to be sort of smoking

out of a trash can if you can. Yeah, why use good glassware when you have a cut-off three-liter bottle of Welch's Grape Soda to rip one? Mm-hmm. Okay. Well, he is heading toward a factory in, like, Frogtown. And it has these smokestacks on the top. Oh, shit, he's going to rip a smokestack. Oh, no.

He thinks someone is ripping huge poles in there. Yeah, he's going to rampage his way up to the top of that tower and start really fucking huffing it. You have to stop him for that. We can't afford to have Wenger die. Oh, no. I can't be held responsible for him taking a monstrous mega rip of frigging the chief-ass fucking sativa or whatever.

I cannot have him doing the big fresh chiba rips please well i did i did shoot him i've been shooting him a lot and how does he take that he seems to enjoy it yeah there is a i don't know if he's really enjoying it or if he's just pretending to like, oh, I actually love that. No, if he's really transforming from the Gaber zone, he might find a lot of pleasure in pain and it might be

erotic pleasure. So keep that in mind without getting into too much information about myself. And you wanted to talk a little bit about Fifty Shades Darker today. Is that right? Yes. I was pissed to find out that Fifty Shades Darker is a sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey and not Fifty Shades Darker today. Is that right? Yes. I was pissed to find out that 50 Shades Darker is a sequel to 50 Shades of Grey and not 50 Shades of Black.

The Marlon Wayans comedy that I'm obsessed with. Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't want to be problematic or racially insensitive here, but 50 Shades of Black, you hear 50 Shades Darker, you're not thinking grey. You're thinking black. Not at all. But I guess the sequel would be Fifty Shades.

Okay, he's eating a bunch of ducks. He's pulling them out of the sky. Oh, God. Okay, can we use that? Let's slow him down a little bit. How far away are you from the factory? Because if it's over a quarter mile, you're going to catch up very easily. He's either going to get distracted.

Yeah, he's probably very winded at this point. I am not close to him, but I can definitely hear him breathing. I'm getting some, like, Elliot ET knee pain right now, I feel like. So he's going to be slowing down shortly. If he's eating ducks out of the sky, like, he's going to get tired once he gets some of that fatty meat inside of him. He's going to want to nap, or he's going to want to beat off. He's going to want to maybe even beat off.

Oh, yes, beating off. Talk a little bit about that, John. It's just if you work from home, it's a habit you get. It's a great release, huh? And I would imagine if you're pumped up on Gaybrazone, you're going to be looking up Power Girl cosplay or Poison Ivy cosplay and just really beating off. So this is still a podcast episode.

Obviously, we're trying to capture a wild wanker who's gone nuts on Gabrizone. But we do, because it's a podcast, always want to talk about newspaper comics. How did Andy Kapp wind up on Hot Fries? You know, I only really know Andy Kapp via Hot Fries. I learned that retroactively he was a comic. Okay, so he's a comic, and Hayes might know more about this than me, I only really know Andy Kapp via Hot Fries. I learned that retroactively he was a comic. Okay, so he's a comic, and Hayes might know more about this than me, I can admit. I know the whole thing is he's just a fucking drunk, and his wife is trying to wake him up to go do something,

and he's like, no, fuck you, I want a drink. A lot of newspaper comics. What I always thought was funny, as we go along here, What I always thought was funny, as we go along here, he stopped in front of a Hep C billboard with a woman on it, and he is beating up. He's going to be done fast, though, just as a heads up. He'll be done in under a second, between arm strength, grip technique, and hair trigger. I think the fact that he is so tired is making it go because the movement is really slow. Yeah, it's more at this point he's going to be very powerful

but only for short bursts. But of all the comic characters from the newspaper to end up on, Hot Fries. Why Andy? Yeah, I don't know. That's a good question. I feel like it could be anybody. Hot Fries?

Yeah. It could be Hagar, the horrible. Oh, yeah. He would absolutely have a lot to say about Hot Fries. A Viking like that? Like he's like a food guy? I mean, like Dagwood, he's a food guy. He eats a lot.

Dagwood's a really natural fit. Well, Dagwood and Hager, and he is moving on his own, but they already have certain foods that they're identified with. Dagwood has a big sandwich. Hager has the big drumstick. Oh, Hayes,

if he... There might be better branding opportunities for them. If it's been six or seven minutes since Wenger ate those ducks, he's going to stop and have some serious bowel movements very soon. If it's been six or seven minutes since Wenger ate those ducks, he's going to stop and have some serious bowel movements very soon. If he's full, Gabriel, and he's going to talk about it or stop to tweet about it. You can use those to

track him, you know. You can follow the puddle. Maybe you can help with this, Gabriel. I think he's deciding whether to stop masturbating to take a shit. He's not going to stop masturbating to take a shit. Oh, yeah. He's not going to stop.

He can do both. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so he's about to double up. You'll know he's about to shit if he puts a stack of graphic novels

and a pack of baby wipes like out on a display next to him. That must be pretty intense, huh? What? Just having it come out of both sides. It's like the ultimate sneeze. Yeah.

If you could sneeze while jerking off and shitting and throwing up, you're empty. You'll be inside out in no time. Oh, yeah. That's a pretty intense goal. Okay. Okay. He's exploding. Back up.

Back up. Back up. Do not approach now. You can't capture him when he's in this state. It's slick. It's exploding. Back up. Back up. Do not approach now. You can't capture him when he's in this state. It's slick. It's oily. It's dangerous to even walk near. Well, I'm on the right side because in terms of ejacula, there is not very much.

There's like a really, really small amount. Wait, no, no, no. I know that's what you're going to think based on his current genital size, but this is if he's on Gabrizoan, he's got a frequency. Oh, it's frequency. He's tapped out. He's amped up more than me. Because I blow huge loads, motherfucker. No, I know that you do,

John, and this is something that you've brought up a lot, not necessarily on the podcast, but just around my wife and I. But because you're doing it so much, does it never become watery? It becomes powdery before it becomes watery. Oh, interesting. Okay.

You've come up... This is pure powder. He's reached powder stage. He's going to need to eat again or sleep soon. That might be your best chance to get him you know we brought up the Dagwood

and I mentioned Dagostino subs there's a lot of shit there's a huge amount of shit anyway go ahead and I it's a tremendous amount of shit I bet

and I mentioned Dagostino subs which the first half of that is kind of the word Dago and I wanted to take this moment to just formally apologize it's not Dagostino subs to John and to the Fox fall lineup, you know, for using terms that are owned by other people.

Obviously, if you didn't hear the last episode, you don't know. But John's very comfortable making racial jokes. I'm not as comfortable. It's something I admire about him. And with the success of the Mick, basically every somewhat safe racial term has been purchased by the Fox network to name a character after, uh, the Dago will be coming out soon. Uh, and I, and I wish them all the best and all the ratings. So, um, I'm always rooting for network comedies. Those are my favorites. Hang on. Hang on one second.

He's kind of pulling away. Ma'am. Ma'am. I need to use your car, please. I need to come and hear your car. Yeah. No way, Gert. It's trying to out-Gabriel.

It's trying to out-Gabriel. And he's riding through the city. Hayes, what kind of car is it? I don't give a fuck about status, but I just want to know how fast it is. No, that's John Geberling. You're thinking of John Geberling. Shit! From Broad City, that's John Geberling.

I can't fucking escape this. Gabrus is Guy Code, a fourth man out. Like a more mainstream Mike Mitchell, tell her. He's like a more ethnic Mike Mitchell. Yeah. Yes. Oh, she saw the barber show.

The barber game show. She saw Hair Check? Yes, she loves that. Fuck, dude! I was told no one saw that. Santa's out of the barn. That might be a good way to trap Wengert, is just to offer him an easy paycheck with a truly embarrassing gig attached to it.

If he's fully on Gaberzone, all he can think about is not having to be a waiter or improv teacher again. Hayes, we know you're not going to be able to capture him through brute strength. We know that the shooting him hasn't worked. Have you approached him with any kind of non-union, third-tier cable, or possibly website show?

Yeah, is there like a, he can do branded content for CISO? Like maybe throw, I mean, I'm sure they're giving CISO development deals away. Bazooka Joe Wenger, I just thought of that. Wait, I'm sure they're giving CISO development deals away. Bazooka Joe Wenger. I just thought of that. Wait, I'm just listening to what. So when he got in his car, it looks like he went to HeadGum. He drove to HeadGum.

He went to HeadGum Studio? Oh, he thinks he's got to record. He's fully. No, he's talking to Jake and Amir. It sounds like he's talking about taking his show and just doing a Patreon of it because he has a built-in fan base and he records from home anyway.

He has his own studio set up. Oh, the old Horatio maneuver. It actually sounds like a pretty good idea. Oh, wow. So he's going to really sever ties with HeadGum because they're not providing him with anything material. I mean, they're doing ad sales, but he'd make more money just having his fan base pledge the money in. But Wenger doesn't have a HeadGum podcast.

Is he canceling? Is he removing my podcast from there? Does he have that power? You're talking about removing High and Mighty, but I think this is actually—I mean, he's got them over a barrel. I think this is actually working out pretty great for you. At worst, he would just be able to renegotiate for a larger share of the ad sales. Yeah, I count on that $140 a month. He better not fuck me out of that.

I need that $140, $10.99 a month, dude. He's setting up a Patreon, and they're saying he could get like maybe $15,000 a month. Jesus Christ. Even fucking Wenger hopped up on Gabrizone is better off than I am. This is infuriating. It may have improved his business skills a little bit. That's Wenger. That's residual Wenger in there, being an intelligent person.

Oh, okay. It has to be because I've never made a sound business decision in my life. Ask my lawyer. Which lawyer do you want to ask? Lev Ginsburg? The big guy, please. LG, baby. Maybe there's still a little winger

that I could try and communicate with. That might be... If I can get a little bit closer. Maybe throw him, like, leave out a few mix CDs, and maybe you can make a... Because the thing about Gabe, if he's really, if he's juiced up, he's heading towards Gabrus, you've got to find the human element of him.

Because there is not, I don't have that. I'm all lizard brain. Lizard brains, we love that. I love talking about that stuff. And there's something about being a comedian that I think almost makes you have even a different lizard brain than the other lizards. Only a comic would think of some of the messed up stuff that we do. I mean, have you ever made a joke, Gabrus, at like a really inappropriate time?

Yes. Yeah, you have. I just can't help it because for me, it's like who I am. I'm comedy. You know what I mean? You say something, I'm spinning the wheel of fucking references and something's coming out it's like a brain disease let me ask you another brain disease but it's like my superpower oh let me ask you another question pogo what was he uh was he the duck like a hedgehoggy thing? Oh, the hedgehoggy thing. He's a possum.

He's a possum. He's a possum. He's a possum. I'm trying to conserve my breath a little bit here, but yeah, he's not a duck. If you need to get ahead of Wenger, you might want to try to go buy a gym, like a local old school gym, but hang out at the protein shake fridge, not anywhere near any of the cardio equipment or anything like that. Gasoline alley.

Did that scare you? Gasoline alley. I remember just being like, I'm not sleeping a wink tonight. I just read a really scary gasoline alley. Were they scary? Guys, I think you overestimate how much I like newspaper comments. Non sequitur. Understatement much?

That was meta. Well, you chose it. I gave you so many options. Yeah, if I read the list out loud of options you gave me, it would paint you as a very white male. I mean, we could have gone back and forth. We didn't have to. I didn't mean that to be the end of the discussion.

But I am trying to consume my breath. It just seems like a insane thing for you to say. Well, yeah, so I'd like to apologize also, I guess, for some of the other comments made about Wenger being more like you by saying he should do a big brap, like belch noise, or just that his bodily functions should be seemingly out of his control, or if they are in his control, then he's very rude. Right. It could be a little bit of both.

It could be a little out of control, but a lack of caring about being rude, which is sort of like the sweet spot that I run down. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I didn't mean to imply anything about you that you're going to be mad at me about. No. I'm on probiotics now as of listening to that episode. Lev Ginsburg sent that to me and said, let me know if you want to take action. So that's been a positive change.

Yeah. So upon hearing that, I didn't realize, maybe because of my rudeness, that I'm sort of upfront about pissing and shitting and cumming and burping and farting and throwing up and picking your nose and fucking. Sneezing, earwax stuff. Yeah, like smelling earwax.

Beard trimmings, pubes. Oh, yeah. I didn't realize how upfront I was about, you know, the gray in my bush. Butt sauce or whatever. Yeah, butt mud. Butt mud's the big one. Butt mud, yeah. Duck butter.

Truffle butter. Like, these are all the, like, butt. Yeah, pussy juice. Yeah, yeah. Quim. These are all things that I'm always talking about. And I didn't know. Dick cheese, yeah. Yeah. I these are all things that I'm always talking about. And I didn't know. Dick cheese, yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if you mentioned this. I have good going here. But the Wendigapers wants to remind you that you talk about eating ass a lot. Eating ass, tossing salad. Yeah. That's all. I didn't realize how rude it was for me to be so upfront about, you know,

that the male G-spot is real and, like, a shower finger doesn't count as homosexuality and stuff like that. I didn't realize... He's not placing any judgment on it. He's just pointing it out. It's part of the list. He's calling response a little bit here?

Yeah. We have a second to sit down because we're at the Natural History Museum and he's chewing on a big dinosaur bone. Oh, wow. Yeah, from the brontosaurus ribs. Fred Flintstone is my goal body type, to be honest. So when you said that, it kind of woke me up a little bit, too, where I was like, Fred Flintstone.

A lot of people are like, what about guys like Chris Pratt? That could be you. And I'm like, I don't know. But Fred Flintstone seems more. I'm a little caveman-esque. I hate wearing shoes. I think it works for me. Yeah, that could work out really well.

What are you going to do now that Wangard has shut down High and Mighty and seems to be taking all your gigs? Do you have a backup plan? Is there something you always wanted to do, make wicker furniture or something like that? I might go down to San Diego and become a lifeguard. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, it's just like a, you know, an old dream of mine. I was a lifeguard on, oh, on Hayes. Call the, call an airline and just make sure he's not trying to book a flight into Ronkonkoma,

the only Long Island based airport. Okay. That might be something to keep in mind. sure he's not trying to book a flight into Ronkonkoma, the only Long Island-based airport, okay? That might be something to keep in mind. If he's full Gaber zone, he's going to want to go back to Long Island and get- He's going to return to the motherland. Yeah, he's going to head right to my hero on Jerusalem Avenue in North Belmore, okay? He's going to be ordering a chicken club, hold the tomato, add cheese. Just lay the trap. Anthony behind the counter will know it's not me,

even though I haven't lived there in over a decade. Okay. I did want to talk a little bit about newspaper comics. Do you guys read comics? I just want to say, I've checked the Patreon. It's up to 21,000 a month. Are you fucking serious? And the fact that you

had that really great performing episode with Hayes and it's almost as if I haven't done High and Mighty, but I have done 15 of them or something. You have. They're just only about shit people don't want to listen to. Poker, Banshee, Bosh.

And since I did have that poker one and maybe it just wasn't immediately accessible, but people have gone and read up on it a little bit, let's talk about bet sizing. Oh, you want to follow up to your episode about poker? Yeah, sure. Well, I know that— Now that we don't have Dirkus here kind of like diluting it a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Because he really wanted to talk about the fun stuff of poker,

but I just want to talk about sort of some of the math of it in a way that could be alienating. That's a classic Sean and Dom split. You're more of—he's more of the heart. You're more of the brain. So, you know, back in the 90s, I think it was pretty traditional for people to do a 3x big blind bet as their standard incoming raise. But what I started to realize around that time was that you could go 2.5x and steal just as many blinds, but you were getting a better value and

a better price and you'd see a better value and a better price, and you'd see a lot more hands for less money, which is always to your advantage. What I would say is with the ultra-aggression of some of the new players, that idea of defending your blind against a wider range of incoming raises has become popularized to the extent that if you do want to go ahead i have a little update i have a little update sure yeah what's the wendigabers doing

so i jumped in um the back pocket of the uh of the wendigabers's uh bathing suit he's wearing a bathing suit even though it's january We are in Long Island now. We got to Long Island in like three long strides. He's gotten so big. He feels no cold. No, no. It is Long Island. It is more of like, I was surprised.

It seems like the background he's seeking out here is more of like a East, you know, like a Hamptons-y, like Gatsby-esque Long Island than like the blue-collar thing that I think Gabrus has always

described. I mean, I think that like I don't know if Gabrus has always been honest. I think he was actually like really, um, like, like high society in Long Island. Now you guys said a lot of shit last week and a lot of shit this week. And I've been fucking cool from the get go. I just want to play along. I want people to listen to my podcast, but now I don't have a podcast. And now you're fucking telling me I'm not blue collar Hayes. But now I don't have a podcast, and now you're fucking telling me I'm not blue-collar, Hayes? Hayes Davenport is dealing out who's fucking blue-collar and who's not?

I'm just telling you that now that the Wendigamers is home, he is not doing the accents anymore. What? Or he has a different accent. You're not saying he's attached to... He kind of sounds like Catherine Hepburn. Oh, no. Does he have a long cigarette holder? And sort of like Does he have elbow length

white gloves on? Yeah, he's wearing a sailing jacket. You're not saying that I just really lean into the Long Island stuff to differentiate myself from other fat bearded comedians in the comedy scene?

You're not accusing me of that by any chance, are you? Wait, are there other comedians who are upper middle class white guys, but they want to sort of play it down? Like they're maybe lower middle class white guys? Don't tell, I'm not, that's not me. I don't want to hear that kind of stuff. I want to know that they got college paid for, but pulled themselves up by their bootstraps.

But had a presidential scholarship, or else your parents wouldn't have let you gone to a private university. Yeah, yeah, that could be really interesting. Real blue collar. Yeah, the real salt of the earth, you know, like the Rust Belt. Your mom's in a union, your dad's in a union, and you're in two, SAG-AFTRA and WGA.

Just a real blue-collar union grindin' family. Hayes? Are you okay? He's on the lake. He's taking the family skiff around the lake for a beat. Oh, no.

That sounds so nice. Man, it's so weird. It's an island and he's hitting the lake. Lake Ronkonkoma is so small. Is it my family's skiff? Because we keep that down at Woodcliffe Canal. The nautical mile?

Freeport? South Shore? Nassau? I don't know the geography. This isn't where I you know i'm not from here no hayes you're from the real streets huh yeah i'm from boston man i'm telling you i wish i was from boston that would give me something to lean into out here in hollywood that i could really pop off with you know i could do wicked fucking queer at del close marathon oh yeah that would be a great show for you what's that 3 a.m pop off with, you know? I could do Wicked Fucking Queer at Del Close Marathon. Oh, yeah. That would be a great show for you.

What's that, 3 a.m.? Yeah, 3 a.m. with some of my favorite improvisers. Yeah, that could be good. It would be really funny. Hollywood Handbook. Um. I guess what else could you do if you were from Boston? He's coming back to shore.

Is there anything like, just like something I could say to him that would like, I don't know, calm him down or maybe get him to throw up? I mean, if he's got all this Gabrizona, is there something that would make him? The only thing that would slow him down is tell him you're ordering food. Ask him what he wants. That might get him to, that always humanizes me is when we start speaking about meals. I could be mid diarrhea masturbation fest,

but if someone says I'm hitting Postmates, what do you want from El Pollo Loco, I'm in, you know? Okay, he's grabbing my phone. It seems like he has like a, I was doing it too slow, I think, in his mind. Yeah, if he has almost... If the Gamer Zone is fully affecting him,

he has almost no computer skills except for, like, Postmates and, you know, like, Weedmaps. Mm-hmm. And, like, tweeting, like, I just shit on my dick or whatever. So, like... Thanks for the like. My retweet's broken.

So what I was going to say is you might want to do almost a 4X multiple if you're playing against one of these guys who's decided to now defend his blinds in like a King-4 off or or a king five where they're just saying oh i've got a big card and uh and they're willing to do that against some of the smaller raises knowing that people are frankly raising looser because they're getting more value they're getting a better price now how do you feel about okay wait he uh He just got a phone call. I think we're going back to LA maybe. I think there's an audition to play a tow truck driver on one of those fake true TV, like reality TV shows.

Oh, shit. That's a good day rate. Those are good. I'm very excited about that. Those are good. You can have Lev negotiate that his face is blurred out too so it could be like

more hidden camera and not really step on the other stuff he's got going on hey you know hey Gabrus the thing you just said

that sounds like me when I got asked to do a little cameo in Kangaroo Jack that's a good day rate and even though we're trying to catch a maniac, even though we're trying to catch a maniac who's destroying the country at this point,

we can still have fun when somebody writes a great joke like that. I mean, that's the thing. Guys like us, we're writing as we speak constantly. We could retroactively print out a conversation and it'd be better than half the sketches you see on there. Oh, it would be so good. Sometimes I read back through my

email chains or my Gchats and I go, someone should publish this. I should be saving it and I should just have a chain of emails with all the other comedians that I'm friends with and that would just be so funny and they could save it and it could be a book someday of all the funniest guys knew each other and they were on these emails together and that's how

i think about my own interactions with people who i'm sort of friends with but really i'm like cataloging it as like i must be important and i have to be right or else what the fuck am i doing like i'm not gonna write something on my own but I have no qualms about editing down a bit thread email into a novel. Yeah, I think that could be really good, and I want that, I'll say, for posterity. John, I'll just jump in, because I totally agree with you. I mean, some

people, you know, they might think that if they were to look at, like, the text chain between you and me, for example, it would just be you taking screenshots of your FanDuel roster for that day and sending to me just like one screenshot after another. But it's actually, it's not that. It's just a joke.

It's screenshots of people's tweets. Mm-hmm. No, none of that. Never screenshots of tweets that have made you mad. It's just the purest like comedy.'s just like pure joke you know it's just good writing and it's funny communication between two of the finest minds in comedy that's sometimes three that's your guy's rule right if it's really funny you text the haze if it's kind of funny you tweet it but like you save the good stuff the best stuff i come up with always goes to haze because it's like of funny you tweet it but like you save the good stuff the best stuff i come up

with always goes to haze because it's like it's not for the public uh they wouldn't appreciate it some of them wouldn't even get it you want to want it to land on comedically trained ears as well because yeah and that's writing needles that people don't even see the eye of yes and that's how you hone your skills the greatest is you just keep folding the sword i don't know if you're familiar with the Japanese sword making technique where you heat the metal and fold the steel upon the weakest points until finally

the entire sheath is or not sheath blade is strong. And the stuff you'll send me Sean it's never you'll send me tweets being like is this good and it's never stuff that's like that if you tweet it would be like hugely devastating for the show and make us like

actual enemies and like dig us into a hole that we'd never be able to get out of it's always you know it's like well because it would be good for the show well because I come from a place of love I think all the best comedy comes from love. If anybody ever tells you that you can't make a comedy about people who love each other, they're crazy. All the best comedy is warmth and kindness. And so I'm always approaching it that way from the sort of pure light that's inside me.

I think that's the gift I've been given. that way from like the sort of pure light that's inside me. I think that's the gift I've been given. And no, the tweets that I send you are usually like, should I tweet this nice thing about this other person I think is funny? Or should I perhaps shine a light on the good work this person's doing? And a lot of times you'll say not yet, but soon, Sean. Yeah, wait till they really earn it because you tend to have kind of a hair trigger. Yeah. Well, you're a tastemaker. You're a tastemaker. I'm an influencer. I am. I mean, that's just the bottom line. You see something and you're like, this looks like branded content to most people, but to me, this is going to blow up the charts. This is art. And I think people

would really love to see these text exchanges. And of course they won't until it becomes a book someday. But, you know, of course I'm sending not-Fando lineups and not-mean tweets, and what Hayes is doing back is never answering one question from two days ago but ignoring the past three questions, or texting me blind with like a half sentence. And then when I immediately respond, he's just gone. That's just not the way it is. The sort of flow of conversation is it feels like you're in the room with two funny, smart guys who have a great connection.

I just want to update where we're at with the wind in the air because that is what we're talking about. So he's at home. We're back in L.A, he's at home. We're back in L.A. He's at my house? Yeah, it didn't go great. He seems to think it went well, but I do not think it's a go. Did he try to just go by on his charm and really

not look at the script because he was playing Heroes of the Storm for like nine straight hours on Blizzard? I think he was assuming that they knew him better than they did. I think he was kind of told that... Did it seem like he was told that they specifically requested him and then when he showed up it was clear that there was no one in the room who had ever seen him before?

Yes, I don't think that was the case. Seems like it wouldn't be to his reps' advantage to say that they had asked for him when there was no one there who actually knew him. You wonder why they did that. Maybe it was so he'd be confident, but then he was too confident. Too confident. That's the way to bring down the Wendig Abras because I am unnecessarily, some would say

unwieldy confident. And that might be what the thing that will eventually take him down. confident and that might be what the thing that will eventually take him down he's uh he's drinking a lot of um like whole foods beer yeah like i think this is how he's kind of moved on a little bit from some of his past you know it's like it's like nice beer it's like you know a little more it's a session it's just it's a, you know, a little more expensive stuff. It's a session IPA, like a low ABV. Is he talking about how he only does it three days a week now? Like that's a rule for him? And then on the other days he just smokes weed?

Yeah, does he have a complicated reward system in which as you get deeper and deeper into it, you realize he's just addicted to several different things? Yeah, does it almost seem like if you have to make that many rules about it, maybe you just shouldn't be that closely involved with it at all? I get the feeling that instead of six beers every day, it's become 20 beers every other day. Yeah, that sounds about right. You just jam it all to Thursday through Sunday.

So he's trying to make it to the couch. I don't know if he's going to get there. Yeah, he's down. Okay, he is down. Be careful because one thing I've seen him do is if you get too close, he'll tell you a truth about yourself and you'll sort of laugh and other people will laugh at the time, but then later you'll think about it and you'll sort of laugh and other people will laugh at the time, but then later you'll think about it and go like, is that really what I'm like? Because he's laughing. He's smiling. He's smiling.

You go, I guess this is funny. But then later you're like, or is it just kind of mean? Yeah. Does it have something to do with the fact that he thinks he's such a monster himself that it's okay to say stuff like that to other people? A monsterpreneur. Ooh. See, that's the kind of stuff we have.

That's, you got to text Hayes that. Oh, yeah, that will start a real long thread with Hayes that will surely be a two-way street. If he's on the couch, open up Netflix, search Action Adventure, and just put on any movie that features someone in tactical gear as the thumbnail. Anyone with a helmet or a vest or goggles. Triple Nine.

Oh, Triple Nine. I've seen Triple Nine. Literally, it's the only thing that comforts him is he just puts on an action movie uh now i'm clearly and is is he gonna be watching it pretending that he took another path where he like was military trained or something like that yeah there's a part of it where he believes himself that he could have been easily military trained and actually his improv skills would have helped him. But another thing is that he used to watch action movies with his dad and that's like a weird thing that he's like latched on to.

So if you want to just lay a Mark Bavaro jersey out on the coffee table and then put on some sort of knockoff Seal Team 6 type movie, that might get him to slow down enough for you to trank him up okay well wait one last thing if you're trying to trank him up he has an insane tolerance and he always brings it up he's gonna he's gonna keep talking about how he really can't get fucked up just from years of trying oh Oh, and if Wankert's still... He is talking about that, but he is clearly drunk. If Wankert's still in there in some way, maybe ask him if he has any pitches

for what someone adorkable would do. You might be able to summon him out from inside the Wendigabris. If he even registers adorkable as a word, Wankert's still alive in there. But if he dances around saying the N-word, he's gone full Gabers.

Yeah, in that case, we do have to put him down. It looks like he's trying to say the N-word without being really provoked. I haven't even provoked him in any way. It's because he did a couple of seasons of Wild N' Out. He feels emboldened. He thinks he could do stuff like that.

He has what John Mayer described as a hood pass at one point. I don't think he would have said that himself, but maybe. Hayes, what do you have on? Just like a windbreaker and no shirt. Yeah, because it sounds like you're moving pretty fast. I said he must have something cutting the wind,

but I know how you hate to wear anything on top. Well, because that's drag. That's more drag. And then downstairs, what are we working with just like um those like really uh like light mesh shorts uh and though and my and my uh toe you know my toes shoes your vibrance that like because it's like how cavemen the ones that t that Tina Fey in the one commercial for the credit card looks at them and is like, who would wear these?

And then she's like, I'll take two because she doesn't give a fuck. She's got a bunch of money. Buying this, yeah. Yeah, the one that celebrates just that she has unlimited spending money. Yeah, where it's in a commercial where you know she's being paid

a quarter of a million dollars. It's as if you had this credit card, then you would have made as much money as someone who's had a lot of success in an industry that overpays the people at the very top of it. Yeah. That's interesting.

Hey, why doesn't Thomas Madovich get to be himself in those commercials? That's a great question. It's a great, great question. What is going on for him? Also, when he grabs that, he's like, it's Franny Fred or whatever. I have three of these,

and it's like, what the fuck are you talking about? He's like, it's a collectible. She's like, it's for my dog to eat. It's like, what are we supposed to feel about either one of these characters? This guy collects a weird doll that no one's ever heard of.

She feeds the doll to her dog and it's a collector's item, but you can find it at the fucking grocery store where a celebrity is... I think he was surprised that they used that. I think he gave them a lot of stuff

that he thought was better. Yeah, that's probably right. And I bet I would think it was better. I'm sure there's people watching that commercial who know who Thomas is and don't know who Tita Faye is. Well, and that's demographics. And I'm always trying to split demographics. 16-year-old boys with HBO. That's who's going to know Thomas. I want the biggest slice of the pie, baby. I want to hit as many of these demos as I can.

You're the guy who came up with the quadrants five through eight, right? Oh, yeah. Because prior to me, there was only the four quadrants. And I said, I think there's four more of these things. We just can't see them yet. You know the part in Searching for Bobby Fischer, and this is for some of my older fans. You know the part in Searching for Bobby F searching for and my intellectual ones who like chess where he goes he's already won it's 12 moves away but he can see it i'm like that with quadrants very easy to follow i've already accessed all these demos. People that don't even realize they're in a demo are being accessed by Sean on a daily basis.

Oh, yeah. I use a lot of coded language. Yeah, you're the one who explained to me about Vietnamese scooters. Yeah. Vietnamese guys who ride scooters is a demographic in and of itself. That's NLP. I mean, that whole time I was controlling you, that's neuro-linguistic programming. Because if you remember, I kept saying like, and when they gas up their scooter, they have

to penetrate the tank with the nozzle. And the fact that I was able to just casually work in the word penetrate got you thinking about sex. Right. And then that's why I remembered it. Because now whenever I think of a Vietnamese guy on a scooter I get a tingling in my balls You get fucking horned out I get real revved up

Yeah, and we all feel a little horned out right now And that's the effect I'm looking for with my podcast That Hayes does too Hayes, if you come in I just realized something If you become in a tight bind with this Wendigabrus Something you could bring up that really hurts him Is that he is only half Italian.

He does kind of use it identity-wise because he's a big guy, but you can really take him down by saying, oh, why isn't your last name an Italian name? I got the Mark Bavaro jersey out. He's watching the movie. It seems like he's going back in time a little bit. I don't think this is the time to bring that up.

Okay. If he's soothed, let the beast slumber. What I have also tried to do is I put on, Sean said an LP, and that gave me the idea to put on a Guided by Voices LP, and that is sort of bringing out wenger a little bit more they're like there's some there's a lot of vinyl it's wenger's house of those there's a lot of like what is it b1000 it's b1000 yeah he's listening to the goldheart mountaintop queen directory

uh and uh it is it's getting him sad and excited. That could pull Wenger out. That could pull Joe out of there. Well, in the meantime, while we wait to see if that finally does work for sure, you got anything coming up, John? And don't be afraid to mix in newspaper comics with your answer. Well, I'm just always using my imagination like uh calvin oh yeah and i've always when i when i read calvin hobbs i put myself in the mind of calvin and hobbs yeah let's go exploring old

buddy oh god yeah if i were to get one tattoo besides the outline of long island on the inside of my left bicep i think i would get calvin yeah pissing on the New England Patriots logo but because that's like two things for me yeah that could be really good that could be a great tattoo that shows theoretically have him pissing on your own dick I don't know exactly what that would be but it could be kind of interesting yeah I could get a that would be nice like he's like standing above my pubes pissing onto my dick yeah that's actually fucking cool and it you know reminds us that you still keep that childlike innocence and imagination that you first uh had when you were reading those Calvin comics because you were able to sort of come up with a fun creative way to have an adventure on your

own body by making Calvin piss on your own dick. And I keep that Calvin attitude of imagination and wonder with me now in the business. I'm not at all calculating or stressed or overthinking every single move I make in my career. I'm just sitting here going, open up my mind. Let's go exploring old buddy. It's just about fun for you, which I've always admired that you are not willing to fuck over literally anyone to get even an infinitesimal, immeasurably small amount ahead. You're not running sort of Terminator-like calculations

by scanning the room with like a Terminator 2 vision of people's IMDb star meter in front of you saying, oh, who's the person that could someday be the most helpful to me? And inadvertently alienating anyone you've ever had a close relationship with. If you don't have the Twitter followers written on the inside of your forearm with Sharpie when you go to a holiday party, like that kind of stuff. Like I don't do any of that. No, yeah, you don't do it. And I don't think you should, although a lot of people do and it's a normal part of the business. I take Calvin and Hobbes and I just bring that into my life. I extrapolate it out to just live in that. Yeah, yeah. I'm about Calvin and Hobbes too, and that's why a lot of times I'll, at three in the morning,

text you when we haven't spoken in months, like a photo of us from I don't fucking know when. From when I coached Tantrum. Just everybody. What's up, Ace? just everybody what's up Ace I uh I just kind of felt like I should jump in

uh although thank you not a lot more not a lot more is um happening uh here we ran too much at the beginning of the uh sort of that was the idea going in but it ended up being too much not the beginning of the sort of that was the idea going in

but it ended up being too much not for any like great reward. Yeah, not able to really sustain the pace and then not really able to contribute as much as you would because of the initial pace. Right, yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah, well, that happens and

you know, everyone forgives the Wendigabers sounds like he fell asleep and what you can do is just sort of drill a hole in his skull and extract a lot of that hormone. If he wakes up, just place some Supersat or some Salam under his tongue and show an old video of him weightlifting and remind him of the better times. He deadlifted a keg. I remember him deadlifting kegs a lot. So, you know, that's something we could take a look at.

He's whispering about a salciccia in his sleep, which is, I'm glad I didn't bring up the Italian thing, because I feel like that would have taken away that. That's soothing him, yeah. Yeah, he'd take away that. Yeah, he's talking about Gabagool and stuff. Hey, did you want to plug anything? No, no, no, never. I guess I would say if we're going to plug stuff.

We've never done that. Oh, you know what I was going to do? Can I plug something real quick? Can I plug something real quick? My nose, because you friggin' Brett's laid one. No, but John, what do you want to say? Check out the newspaper comics episode of High and Mighty.

Oh, yeah, that's doing really well. It's honestly doing even better lately. It's on the uptick. I thought we had reached sort of a peak, but no, it just keeps going. And Brad, did you want to plug anything? I want to plug my butt with this diarrhea. That's not fucking making fucking sense.

The one noun you chose as the predicate of that sentence was so incorrect. That's so stupid. You want to plug it with diarrhea? So is it like... Adobo? You want to use grass mixed with diarrhea to make some sort of clay? I mean, this is so gross. We never do this when John's not here, but it's like...

Did you freeze a jar of diarrhea? Are you using diarrhea as sort of like a spackle? Like a loose spackle? Yes, like a cock. Oh, God. This again. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Oh, baby.