Hollywood Handbook - Thomas Middleditch, Our Big Movie Friend

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH returns to make a big movie with The Boys.This episode is sponsored by CBS The Good Fight ( www.cbs.com/HANDBOOK ), hims ( www.forhims.com/HANDBOOK ), Quip ( www.getquip.com/THEBOYS ), and Away ( www.awaytravel.com/BOYS20  code: BOYS20).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast sitting down looking at a computer with scott uh boris and playing uh doing jumanji so okay back up first one they do the uh it's on the it's flat yes it's a flat second one it's video inside of yeah big the new one is oh no like uh a banner ad you know those banner ads where you have to kick the football through the goalpost and the goalpost is moving around i don't know that one which one i know that type of one which one do you know you have to identify whose butt is this is it moving there's i there's is it moving under like a under a cup the butt it's it's it's sorry let me hang on i just go oh okay it is okay i just Googled.

Yeah, you have to flip the cup up, and then there is a button, and you do have to identify it. So this is the new Jumanji. And it is Jessica Simpson. Which is the, it's like take the jewel from a monkey's paw, and the monkey is running around the jungle, and Scott Boris is watching me to see if i'm like a good enough at jumanji to be signed to like a big contract and so i'm playing the game and i do get sucked inside

yeah i get like schlorped into the screen okay very small it's just a little box it's not like the other jumanjis that are so huge which honestly this sounds better to me because my issue with the last Jumanji was like what is this huge like what this is freaking huge yeah it's bigger than any

room well how am I supposed to go to sleep in a place that big because a big part of going to sleep in a room is that you can see the wall on the ceiling and stuff, which you can't in Jumanji. But here, it is so small. It's just a tiny little box. I'm sort of crammed in there with this monkey.

I can't even reach the jewel because he's kind of wedged in underneath. Yeah. And I see Scott Boris through the screen. And I'm like, get help. And can you tell Engineer Ryan who Scott Boris is? Okay, so Scott Boris is a super agent. He's an agent of Alex Rodriguez. He's like biggest baseball guy.

Right. And he's like very famous. No's like biggest baseball guy. Right. And he's like very famous. No wonder you're with him. Well, I just want to say. He's down for baseball. I was like auditioning to try out. He was watching me do, the concept is, he's watching me play this banner ad game

to see if I should be signed to. And Thomas, you're a gamer, so you'll want to know this. Hollywood Handbook. Hayes's gamer name, his tag, if you want to contact him, is hayesdavenportbaseball at aol.com. Yeah, that's my dude game. Oh yeah, constantly.

And I don't see too many email addresses as the gamer tag. Yeah, isn't that weird? I mean, I dig it. I just, you'll,

you'll probably get contacted a lot. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. It's hard. How else do people tell you that you

did a good job? Well, how can they contact you after the game? It's rare. It's rare that the feedback is positive

online. Well, here's the thing. Of course, they can tell you within the chat. Yeah. They can hit you with the

GG, good game. But you cannot forward that to your wife. And there's no proof once it goes up through the top of the chat, there's no way to show it to your wife. And I've been, and I was here before he had this new gamer tag, and I would go to

dinner with them, and he would say, I had a really good game today, honey. And she would say, bullshit. Prove it. Would you fucking show me? Prove it. And I was helpless. That's crazy. I've never, I've usually, if I begin to talk about video games with my wife.

Borat. Okay. Sorry, Scott has sort of cornered that one. He kind of owns it. Yeah. So I should be saying, I should be quoting Scott. We can do it. We can. Yes. Not Borat. Okay. So Scott has sort of cornered that one. Yeah, he kind of owns it. Yeah. So I should be saying, I should be quoting Scott. We can do it. We can.

Yes. Not Borat. Okay. My wife, Scott Ockman. Yes, thank you. Yep. Thank you. If I begin a conversation about V Games with her, she's out the door.

She's like snooze fest. Oh, she's not even calling you a liar. She is leaving. She doesn't care about you enough to accuse you of lying about a good game yeah so you're i mean i at this point i actually consider you quite um fortunate that you require even the proof because that shows that she wants to know it's a level of investment i hadn't looked at it that way, but she's pretty invested in proving you're a liar. The opposite of love is indifference. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Thomas.

You came to do the show. My flesh. Wait, and it is tri-month. Do you know this? Do you know about this? No. Give me the... I am someone... Kevin, you didn't even tell him?

Did you? Oh, you did. Kevin's saying that he did. I am... I'm in the biz, but I don't know anything about the biz, so I'm hoping to get a couple pieces of information it's kind of like an older version

of the show but yeah Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt, Darvin Ames, and Recovery Linebacker always listen to what we call showbiz

and we are doing Tri-Month this month and you have done the show before do you know that? yes yes yes but Tri-Month is what's the Tri-Month jam?

we're trying really hard to do the show oh T-R-Y? yes I thought it was T-R-I like hyphen month like there's a three pillared that was i think the first joke that sean made about it oh i'm i'm quoting some old ones i'm doing i'm quoting sean i'm quoting scott yeah but you have to give me credit for that joke

and you have to do it in the borat voice which is now the try monthckerman try month tri hyphen month my try god ockerman okay i try but here's the thing thomas it's like a big deal that you are getting to do that because it means that you've like well so kevin will rule out guests based on them not being big enough a lot of our friends aren't allowed to do the show for the whole month because kevin said that basically they suck shit yes whoa yeah it's true kevers yeah i'm on the try try hard team yes yes and i it's not because you try hard it's because people have to try hard okay to get you to do the show is anyone's sequel and if not can i call dibs try hard to try harder? No one has done that one. Okay, because I know I understand that you could say it's a loose parody on die hard, die hard to, die harder.

Try hard with a vengeance. Try hard with a vengeance. That's another thing you could do. Trying my hardest. Well, you are the second episode, so you can be try harder. Weird Al was the first one. Pretty big, right? Being in the same company as Weird Al.

Okay, so it's you and Weird Al are on the same tier for Kevin. Okay. Okay. I'm honored. Thank you, Kevers. There's someone out there that's like, good, finally. And then most people are like, that makes no sense. Why are you able to do the show today?

Not much going on? We got a reply from someone. I replied immediately. I know. Yes. We heard from someone who I think is less famous than you who said, I would love to do the show. Can you do Tuesdays in May? Oof. And so that

may be a thing. When Thomas is coming in, I was like, we just asked Thomas if he's coming in right now. I know. I mean, Tuesdays in May, That's a busy guy. Every other day of the week in May is free. You know, what can I tell you? I'm getting real acquainted with my video games, my V games. What's your tag?

You didn't say your tag. Do you want to hear mine? Sure. You don't want to say your tag mine is canon it's maybe problematic now but my gamer tag is thugqueen69 okay

yeah and that's canon I don't I just don't want people shooting you you want people playing video don't want people shooting you? Well, shooting or not. I mean, virtually or otherwise. You don't want people playing video games?

I mean, I like playing video games with pals, but just people I know, I guess. Okay, my gamer tag, I'm loathe to say. Oh, okay. It's Cash Me Outside. It's based off of... Bad Baby. That little baby girl. Bad Baby, yeah. That's definitely what I assumed it's based off of that little baby girl.

Bad baby. That's definitely what I assumed it was based on. Bad baby. Can I just say this? You got that? You got that one? I got Cash Me Outside. But I did.

It's like C, at symbol, dollar sign. Even that. Cash Me Outside, how about that? Yeah. You would have to be watching the Dr. Phil episode as it was first airing and then go straight to the Xbox store. That's crazy, man. No, it was already taken.

Oh, you had to buy it from them. Oh, you bought it off them. I'm doing well. I'm sponsored now. And treat yourself. I mean, I think you're worth it to have a gamer tag like that. Cash me outside. How about that?

If I want a 20K gamer tag, I'm going to get it. This is kind of hashtag the lifestyle. When I went to try to buy it, and I had a little money put away to try to get that because I did want to change. Oh, you were the guy that was bidding it. I wound up having to buy the entire lyrics of her first single instead where it was not the white jays white porsche white wrist white horse hi

bitch hi bitch hi bitch you had to buy the lyric the fact that you know those lyrics just like that proves that that is a true story. You are doing great. Silicon Season 6. Season 6 coming at you. I've heard that you add a new cylinder to your Rari with every season. Is that right? I sort of heard them coming up through the gate today.

Did you hear that, Sean? Yeah, and it's counterproductive at a certain point, am I wrong, that too many cylinders on a Ferrari are actually working against it? When you start with literally a zero-cylinder Ferrari. Just kind of a frame, yeah. Yeah. It's actually a sign of accomplishment. It's a milestone.

The toys are nice, aren't they, Thomas? Twit? The toys are nice. Oh, yeah, the toys are nice. Tough job. You don't do it for the toys, but the toys are nice. The toys are nice.

I'm a little boy, and I like to play. So guess what? I'm going to get a few toys. Jesus Christ, I can't be mad at that. And, yeah, I'm doing sort of the car version of, like, G.I. Joe's in the tub oh what used to be G.I. Joe's in the tub for me doing missions and stuff yeah is now my car yeah so you wait I know are you filling up your car with water and playing G.I. Joe's in there no I am bringing my car into

the tub your full-blown adult car? And you're pretending the car is a soldier. It's doing missions and has to be rescued. Are you in a single little house? Are you in an apartment? Public pool. You're driving the car into the pool? Yeah.

Public pool, but privately owned. Yeah. As soon as you go into public pool, but... But privately owned. It's private, yeah. Privately owned. It's a privately owned pool. Well, as soon as you go into the pool, you say, it's private, and you kick all the kids out. I've taken the pool public.

There's a private public pool. There's a private public pool, and we're about to IPO. Yeah, this is the Silicon Valley thing. Yes, that's initial public offering. Initial public offering. It's when you are inventing stock. Okay.

That's why I call it stock car. Oh. Yeah. Is the stock? So the stocks, capital T, capital S, on Wall Street, capital W, capital S. Robinhood.com. Capital R, capital H. Yeah. I don't know if there is a web address for it. I think it might just be capital S. Robinhood.com. Capital R, capital H. I don't know if there is a web address for it.

I think it might just be an app. It's an app. So are those directly attached to stock cars? Like NASCAR? Yes. Some of them are attached to slot cars. Okay. Yeah.

What scale are we talking? 12th. One quarter, one eighth. I don't know the various scales.? 12th. 1 quarter, 1 eighth. I don't know the various scales. 338th. 12 and a half. 12.5. I do metric. I always do metric in my scales.

I sort of broke it down for you guys. Canadian. I gotta say, we have to try right now. I'm doing the show We've wasted time Oh this is precursor And it's tough with Thomas to get any trying in

Because he's pure id Oh For those of you who can't see Maybe it is the Canadian thing Why are Canadians so fucking funny? Ryan Reynolds etc Ryan Reynolds, Zici Alanis

Alanis is hilarious. Dog well much. Yeah. Did you forget about me? That's all a parody song. Anyway, yeah, we're pretty chill. We're pretty wacky. We do a lot of zany stuff.

There's a national zany competition sponsored by the canadian government um there's finalists there's like obviously regionals provincials nationals and then we're just we're just competing for the zaniest cat in the bag that is so funny that you mentioned i was in vancouver this past week uh and i was driving down the big highway there. You know this one? It's called Canada Major Highway? Yes. And I saw a theater past the theater

and on the marquee they were advertising. The show that was playing there was called Eric Chappell's Zany Farce. And I had never I'm not from Canada. I don't know Eric Chappell. But it was a really big theater. Yeah.

And I went like, does he mean something to you? Where do I, do I go down? Do I go down the track of goofing around or seriousness? In all seriousness, I don't know who Eric Chappell is. Okay. But I'm pretty sure he Eric Chappell is. Okay. But I'm pretty sure he's got a one zany show. You do know what a zany farce is. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a farce that's a little bit crazy. A little off. Okay, you've been here for a few years. A little sick, a little twisted, a little demented. Well, that's so great. It's such a great segue because that is basically what we're about to do today,

which is do something just like a really great idea for our show. We have a great like conceit that we're doing for this episode. That's only part of the tri-month? Yes, only. For this episode, yeah. Only for this episode. We decided to come up with concepts for the show, and about 20 to 25 minutes in, we're going to start them. So we had a recent conversation on the show.

We have basically this goldmine we're sitting on that we need to figure out how to monetize. A very valuable property. Okay. Sean and I sort of accidentally fell into this debate that we think could potentially go viral, like the dress. Yes. Remember the dress? Yeah. Wait, is it blue or is it green it's something

like this but it is probably an even juicier debate with more layers to it and we have you know the way that great inventions often happen is by accident you're trying to do something else we were trying to uh i think do the iheart radio music awards yeah it was for a paywall episode too so we it hasn't fully been through. Mobile platform paywall? Yes. But that was our intention. And as a byproduct, we created something for everyone.

That we know has this massive potential. Well, sight unseen, can I be EP? Can I get a little producer? We are not exactly handing those out right now. I know, but if you want my input... We don't want to get diluted. If you want my input on record, on physical record, proof,

I gotta get a piece of this pie. Before you will participate any farther. But what if we told you what we believe is that we have found a way to monetize this massive property? Should we say what it is? And it is a film. Well, he's saying sight unseen, and we were thinking of casting you possibly as the figure major star of the film.

Wow. So then do you still need EP credit? No, not at all. Are you kidding me? Yes. Actors kidding me? Yes. Actors always have the power. So the conversation that we had was, is a graham cracker a cracker or a cookie? Yes.

And this is kind of like... Yes. So wait. Okay. Just take your time because this is sort of what we went through during the iHeartRadio Music Awards is we were dealing with so much at once by even having the question introduced. People say like it's a hot dog, a sandwich, like that kind of thing. This has gone viral.

People have made a lot of money off this. A lot of money. Okay. I love the debate. You posed the question to me uh is a graham cracker a cookie or a is a cookie or a cracker or a cracker yeah you have that debate going on a what are your what are your main methods of actual monetization you know other than i get make a hit hit film okay so it's a hit film based on the question.

Yes. And then B, what do you say to the people who say literally in the name, it says what it is? Well, and this is what makes it such a rich debate. And I'm trying not to like salivate. Yes. Because I'm like, I got this fat, juicy one coming over the plate. Ask that.

It's so beautiful. I can't remember if that was, I can't tell if that was a baseball reference or a Dookie reference. And if I could direct you to animal crackers. Dookie and plates I don't usually associate with. If I could even direct you to animal crackers just to get your mind just sparking a little bit. Is it animal cracker or a cracky? Is it a cracky or a cooker?

Is it a cracky or a cooker? And you have to answer now. And is an animal cracker an animal? And just because it has that name, it has to be that? Is a jellyfish made of jelly? And is it a fish? Let's start working with some definitions. Okay.

Can we get the Oxford definition? Oxford dictionary definition, because I go English. English, English. Yeah, I can do it off the top of my head. Of a cookie and then one of a cracker. Sweet treat. Okay. Cookie's a sweet treat.

Wait, that's all? Mega cruncher. We pull this bad boy up, it's going to say sweet treat. Yeah, so noun. it says like noun. Sweet treat for friends. Yeah, noun, sweet treat for friends. And then cracker, it says, whoa, what a, quite a cruncher. Okay.

Just to confirm, cookie says sweet treat for friends. For friends. Yeah. For the number four. And then crackers are, whoa, quite a cruncher quite a cruncher that's oed okay so if we're going with those definitions yeah of sweet treat for friends if you want the collins english dictionary it's gonna they're both just gonna say sea biscuit okay see biscuit yeah like s-e-e like just see the entry for this oh okay no like see biscuit okay yeah because we're not even talking about biscuits so we're gonna we're any anyone any

but we are but anyone who's bringing in the agenda of biscuits isn't gonna or is that like part of the fun film fun part of the film like the b story we're going to biscuits well yeah that's what that where b story came from. This whole time. I had zero idea. My thought was that you would play Phineas Graham, the inventor of the graham cracker. Okay. And we would do a little bit of an origin story to try to get to the bottom of what the intention was.

Because I believe that intention is a big part of the answer to this question. Right. Do you want to go through any other big points from the debate? I know you had the Teddy Graham. I have my big one, which is when you take the shape of the Graham cracker, which you insist is a cracker and mold, put it into a teddy bear shaped mold. The ingredients are the same, but you come with now a graham cracker shaped like a teddy bear otherwise known as a teddy graham is that a cracker to you well that i would assume is a teddy graham cracker a cookie but it's the same sweet treat for friends or is a quite a cruncher but it is the same thing

as a graham cracker it's made of the same material it's just it's all graham I mean it's gotta be a cracker at least in terms of Phineas Graham's

so your position is that a Teddy Graham is a cracker oh you've inhabited the character so you're already in character I'm just trying to think cause I'm trying to get myself

back into okay it's 1910 I'm assuming Phineas Graham he's pouring he's mixing his cauldron. Well, let's play. We'll see all this.

You're reading from the script, so let's hand it out. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do stage directions. And I, of course, have a position on what I think about this, but we'll leave it. Well, are you trying to, by the end of the film, are we going to answer that, or are we going to leave it up to the audience to decide?

Is it going to be a Coen Brothers ending? It's going to be, just before we say it, the screen goes black. And then we say, Graham Crackers will return in the next movie. Hold on to the fear. Every theater, can I pitch this? Every theater that screens this movie should have like a webcam or something

set up at the top of the screen. Yes. Thank you. Yes. Pointing back to the audience. So when it cuts back to the, when it cuts to black, you do the feed, you bring the lights up and then you're just seeing yourself. It's just.

What is it? Yourself. And then it's everybody. Graham Packer. Wow. Humanity is what it is. End the debate. Stop hunger. Quit fighting is what it is. End the debate. Stop hunger.

Quit fighting in Syria. Yeah, cut it out. It is a good question. Everybody in Syria, take it easy. Take it easy. We spend all this time fighting over these graham crackers, but we should be eating them to stop hunger. Exactly.

Stop arguing. Start filling your mouth. Start munching. Start munching. Shall we? Okay. Let's just go. let's start from the top yeah okay

there's a bit of action here there's a little bit let me just get into it interior the lab Phineas Graham is mixing his cauldron

and he takes a big smell the lab. Phineas Graham is mixing his cauldron. And he takes a big smell. Mmm, he says. Mmm. Good. His son, Graham Norton, enters. Hey, what's up, Dad?

He's running around the room being very cheeky. Uh-oh, squeeze your butt. Oh, no, there's your bum. Okay, here we go. Uh-oh, no. Whoa, that's not your bum I got to hold up, is it? Hey, hey, gone, hey, gone. Here we go. Not now, Graham.

Oh, sorry, Dad. I'm in the middle of coming up with my latest concoction. Oh, what is it? A cookie or a cracker? Hmm. I can't tell you right now, but all I can say is whatever it will be,

it will change the face of the Earth. I'm gonna do fun stuff with celebrities when I get older, Dad. Just so you wait and see. Well, I'm going to change the face of the Earth. Okay.

Phineas Graham takes a big scoop of molten Graham and takes a big sip of it out of the ladle. Oh, that looks so hot, Dad. That can't be good for you. It is. It's scalding me. But I can tell you this, Graham. The taste is exquisite.

Okay, gonna go play now. I'll see you later at the club. Yeah, I'll see you later at the club. And so then we'll cut to the club in a little bit. I do just want to clarify something. In the past, we've been mentioned that we're not allowed to play copywritten music anymore on the show are we like we're obviously especially during tri-month we're obviously allowed to play half of pumped up kicks right that's allowed i think

that was okay yeah yeah like half of it okay good uh so that's i mean i'll tell you it's written like it's written fast pace and to just see it really gets to the point yeah it's kind of written by it's written like uh baby driver and it feels like baby driver it's gonna it's gonna drop down the third it is like baby driver and we're gonna cut it that way too that same like quick cuts yeah even in the labs even just like and it's a dance it's a music it's a dance yeah it's basically a long form lemonade style music video yeah yeah yeah well look just so that scene alone it reads that way i am incredibly honored that you guys would think of me for Phineas Graham. Like that's been a dream of mine to play a 76-year-old graham cracker inventor. You know, the invention of the graham cracker,

interesting story, was one of these many things that was made, not sure how it's supposed to do it, but it was invented by like an extremely Christian man to curb the sexual desires of young men. Oh really? It was like, if you're feeling horny, eat a graham cracker instead.

And that is like, I could feel that in your character. It wasn't really said explicitly. Yeah. But that's, oh wow. As you're taking that big sip from the ladle, it is clearly intended to punish your sort of melt your bone.

Is, I mean, are we allowed to read more scenes from it? Because there's, I'm just looking ahead here on page 81 when he's in D.C. arguing his case. Ah, yes. In front of the Senate. Okay. Yeah, great. Let's go there because I think it's important to get this right. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, great. Let's go there because I think it's important to get this right. Yeah, sure. And we are, this is transitional music to the court and interior, the court. Mr. Graham, your nefarious cookie cracker creation has got the whole country rendered into a tizzy. You absolutely can't have something like that over here. You got to say what it is and pick a name and make it cookie or cracker and also make it taste like what the name is. Senator, you would define me by a label?

You would define the taste by a label? By a label? You would define the taste by a label? All I can tell you is that the boys, the men of this country, were rampant with boners, hard pee-pees, and the white cream that comes out of the hard pee-pees. Order! Order! I will not, sir! They went way out of line!

You got the ingredients of a cookie in the shape of a cracker? I hold you in contempt. The windows rattle and everything gets quiet for a second. You dare question my power? And right then, as Phineas Graham is morphing, the window explodes open, and it's Thor! Hi, guys! Mind if I hammer in for a minute?

And right behind him is Iron Man. Hey, fellas, somebody having a fight? And then behind him is Bruce Banner. He's being carried by Iron Man. Hey, guys, I'm normal right now. And his Black Widow 2 and Hawkeye and Ant-Man

and Vision. All the guys are in the courtroom. Here's aiming at you. Mind if I ant around for a minute? That's right, senators. By concocting this graham cracker and rendering all the men

in this entire face of the earth completely useless with their genitals, I have established contact with the Justice League of America. I thought these were the Avengers. That's right, we're the Justice League now. Oh no, y'all, sweat. We've joined Justice League now. Oh, no. Y'all sweat. We've joined the Justice League.

I want to hear from Black Widow. Somebody let Black Widow speak in all this. So, we should just clarify sort of what we're doing here. This is kind of the plan for this. Yeah, I love what you do. I get it. I saw what you did. Okay, explain, explain, explain explain because i get it 100 so this is kind of a backdoor uh

addition yeah to the marvel universe well i i'm i mean i'm not sure but i i hear rumblings all the time of the marvel dc worlds combining in this case they aren't really combining. It's exactly what you said from the script, which is that all the Avengers are joining the Justice League. And there are a couple guys. So Wasp is still an Avenger. As long as it puts butts in seats, I'm happy to see me on the big screen arguing my case. Obviously, we're not allowed to make a Marvel movie, right?

There's all these rules about that. But if we're making a Graham Cracker as a Go-Gear Cracker movie, could the Marvel guys show up? Yeah, there's no law on that. Right, but now they are part of the DC universe. And they're DC. Yes, except for Wasp and Rhodey War Machine.

And DC is like, they're open source. Did you hear any... DC cabs. Did you hear any Don Cheadle stories from Schwartz when you guys were on tour? You know, just say he's a really sweet man. Okay. We could use that. He's got a...

I mean, war machine, that doesn't sound sweet. But... Right. Yeah. He owns a pool table. We could use that. Yeah, we could use that. He's got a... Yeah. I mean, War Machine, that doesn't sound sweet, but... Right. Yeah. He owns a pool table. We could use that. Yeah, we could use that. Yeah.

I mean, pool, it's a nice one, and if you get it on set, no matter the set, it's going to up the production value. That reminds me of a personal story, just in between, and sometimes in the middle of the scripts, we'll tell a story from our experience, which was Sean and I did a show at Comic-Con that ate a big piece of shit. We ate shit really hard. Yeah, they hated us. You tumbled it down? Why?

Were you off the stage? We tumbled off stage. From eating shit too hard. the stage we we tumbled upstage from eating eating shit too hard so when you ask what happened as if there's a further explanation from we did our show and everyone hated us that's and then what were they expecting another show no it's all people who i think they just wanted to be pleased that to have a good time so in in that sense, yes. But they expected to laugh. Yes.

What did you go on there with? You just didn't go, it wasn't try hard month. Nothing. It was prior to try month. We walk out and we're walking around sort of reckoning with

our future and whether to continue this endeavor at all. Okay. Yes. Well, whether to continue existing. Oh, it was

on the mortal level. We're right by the ocean there. So, whether to continue existing. Oh, it was on the mortal realm. We're right by the ocean there. You just keep walking. It seems like you can walk in and the ocean will carry you off. There are no barriers. I mean, if you see a barrier, that's obviously a barrier. But don't worry, there's no invisible barriers to protect you. You can go right in.

Yes. The oceans, you can go right in. And then we see a theater. We look up. That we stop under a marquee. Our first love, the theater. Yes. Okay.

A huge theater. Okay. I think it's called the Balboa. Uh-huh. And we look up and we see Middle Ditch and Schwartz. Yeah. Sold out. Sold out.

Mitch and Schwartz. Yeah. Sold out. Sold out. And we say, okay, those guys are just a more famous, better version of us. And people like that. With a show that people like better. Yes. That people like better.

Okay. So we say, if we just stick at this a little longer, never mind that they've been doing it for way less time that we just stick at this a little longer, never mind that they've been doing it for way less time than we've been doing this. Someday maybe we'll get on that marquee. Yes. And so in a way, you saved the show. And here you are at Tri Month saving it again.

So it was almost going to end, and you just saw the inspiration, the sort of like the end result. You are my beacon, Thomas. Oh, come on, guys. Well, I wish I could say that we also had a bad show and it was just the Comic-Con crowd and, you know, San Diego. I don't want to hear it. I wish you wouldn't.

I wish you wouldn't. I wish you wouldn't. But instead we actually had an incredible show. People were screaming. It stands out. The memory of it stands out as one of the best ones. We were thrown flowers, obviously, chocolat, the DVDs with Johnny Depp. Oh, yeah. And as well as. Interesting that you say with Johnny Depp instead of with Juliette Binoche.

I just am saying it's interesting. That that's how you remember that film. Of course it is. Of course it is interesting. That's interesting. And then you got, we had obviously female underwear, but then a lot of male underwear. Panty.

We had female panty and men panty. Just panties overall. That's interesting, leads a little bit into part of the Scram Crackerverse cookie debate. Right. Just talking about genders. Yeah. Because, of course, to me, Hayes has taken the hard line that it is a cookie. I have waffled back and forth, but ultimately, for the purposes of the debate continuing,

have to believe that it's a cracker. And to me, it really becomes a question of trans rights. We really have to get back into the script. Hayes says that because it's born with cookie ingredients has to be a cookie Kevin, we have to continue calling itself a cracker and saying that's how it feels like a cracker I mean, Ryan, there's a tie

Cookie for life is Hayes' opinion Okay, we are gonna Let's go to the club Okay Alright All the guardians are standing in the club surrounding Phineas Graham. Hey, mean raccoon man. Come on, you fucking chump.

Groot is here, over here. What do you mean? I'm Drax. Okay. Well, guys. Just those three. All I can tell you is it's been a real ride

getting these graham crackers made. We had that wonderful time on the roller coaster. So I do mean a literal ride. But, friends, I got one last question. Yeah, you. Go ahead. Ask me anything, you friggin' chump.

Is this scramcracker a boy or a girl? What? I am Groot. I didn't know that was part of the discussion. That's all I wanted to say. I'm going to end it tonight.

I said I'm going to end it tonight. What do you mean? Oh, Phineas, don't do that. Don't do that? What about Middleton Shorts? I'm Groot. I do have tickets, but I wanted you boys to have mine instead. Go see the show.

There's a really great one March 26th at the Wiltern here in Los Angeles. Oh, surely it's sold out by now. This one isn't. This one's got a few tickets left. You should nab it while you can. Come on. Quit pulling my leg, man. I mean, I know you have tickets, but no one else can get them.

It's totally sold out. Well, if you're ever in doubt, you head on over to middleditchinshorts.com. Buy yourself a couple of sweet seats. Okay. But me, tonight, I want to know if this graham cracker is a boy or a girl. But before you answer, I'm going to kill myself. Okay. He starts, he goes

over to the bar, and he starts eating so much ice that he seems to think is... My stomach, it's so cold! He's trying to freeze himself from the inside out. I'll see you in the future! Okay.

So, yeah, this is interesting. This is a good scene, obviously. Yeah. There's a lot of pathos to it. Phineas Graham is like trying, he had this the line that we wrote that it's been a great ride

and then that turns out to be literal with the roller coaster. With the roller coaster. There's that whole roller coaster sequence. So much layering. Yeah. I was trying to find the roller coaster sequence, and I just... It's not in the movie. It's not in the movie.

Well, it just says one line here, like, use footage from Final Destination 5, which was weird. Yeah, well, and just the part of it where it's 5. It is 5. 3, of course, is the one where they go on a rollercoaster, but... Oh, you're anticipating the fifth one. Yeah. Also have a good one.

And I just think it's, like, obviously this is, like, weighing on him a lot, the whole Graham Cracker thing. You see, the boy or a girl issue is not something that anyone wants to engage with in his universe or ours no not at all and it's almost a misunderstanding of even the clumsy metaphor that was already verging on totally inappropriate for the show yes right um but to dig in on it and in that specific way i think we feel

the characters then recoil uh which is interesting yeah yeah these guardians are sworn to protect phineas graham yeah and they are starting to wonder maybe we let this guy are they allowed to leave eat that eat that eat that ice and freeze. Maybe that might not be a bad idea. Well, hey, also, I gotta be honest, appreciate the plug. Yeah, well, I mean, it's just what would the characters be saying in this moment? You're right. They're gonna be talking about going to Middle Ditch and Schwartz.

The scene is never about the scene. Yeah. You need something to provide the backdrop for the foreground. Right. And I do just want to clarify, are we allowed to play two minutes and 24 seconds of Hooked on a Feeling?

Is that all right? Kevin here. As long as you guys are loudly talking over it, I don't think the bots can pick it up. So I think it should be okay. Oh, okay. That's great. Why are you telling us that a year ago?

I just learned about it this morning. Oh, okay. Oh, okay, cool. These bots. These bots. What are we going to do about these bots? What is Hollywood going to do about these bots? Well, that's maybe a question for the movie, you know?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's true. We should have, yeah. Should we do that scene? Yeah. Oh, it is actually.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if we can talk over the song, we can play anything we want. It seems like. This is really exciting. Okay, let's do, we'll go to the bot factory. Interior of the bot factory. The team is lurking inside. They're going through the vents,

and they're spying on all the different bots. Okay. Just over here. I think this is where they make the bots. Do we have to be louder? Too quiet right now. What was that? Say it again, Tim.

Too quiet right now. Okay, and we went through a long patch where we weren't talking. So maybe we should talk just really loudly over it like Tim. You're too quiet right now. Okay, and we went through a long patch where we weren't talking. So maybe we should talk just really loudly over it like this. I think you're right. It is where they make the bots, Neo. It's me, Morpheus. Yes, and I'm now known as Neo.

Oh, yes. Phineas Graham was the guy. It's in the stage direction. Let me read the stage direction. Phineas Graham, by eating all the ice, became Neo. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, because this is seen right after. Yes.

Now we're freeing. This is continuous from where we were before. We're freeing the bots from the jail. Quickly, let's make sure. Let's download the internet and get these bots transferred into real life. Hold up. One thing. What do you think about wafers like is a

wafer like what's that is that a whole separate category or because sometimes i think of it as like a cookie i'll tell you what i think i'm with her let's go okay let's go they follow hillary They follow Hillary Clinton out of, she's kind of zipping ahead of them out through the vents. Hillary! Press the download button and we'll ride these bots to freedom. Hillary, come on, press it. What are you waiting for? Hillary! Put down that gun!

Oh, God, Hillary's shooting me. Hillary, say something. She's freaking blasting me. Oh, no. Neo tries to dodge the bullets, but in such a small vent, I never got even any engagement on my way for question, and I'm going to die without knowing anything. So it turns out Hillary betrayed us all? Shocker. Okay. Weird okay weird i gotta be honest i was surprised when we wrote this too i don't know if i was surprised behind this i get to be mad at the internet just because the emails just because yeah it seems like she might have ulterior

motives to downloading the whole internet. Wait, so is she wanting to protect the bots? So she didn't want the plan to free the bots. We were trying to free the bots, but she turned on us in the vents. Well, she wants the bots to stay imprisoned. But it turns out that she's right. Because now, like later, you see like when the bots are free they start trolling the internet for

like what songs people are using so in the end the Phineas Graham bot freedom mission is kind of like a doomed thing like it's he thinks he's doing the right thing but it's not the road to heck is paved with great intentions but they end up

basically doing censorship on free speech and on the First Amendment, which says that you can use whatever song you want on your podcast. But they essentially start breaking the law and start trying to control actually what people are saying and listening to. And how loud they have to talk. Real quick, something that helps with the music is if you're commenting or critiquing it.

So if we could just say what you thought about the music. Slaps. Hooked on feeling slaps. That song that just played? Slap City. The first song that we listened to. Music slaps. Can we just say that for the future of the show?

Yeah, I'm getting pumped up i'm ready to kick through the wall freaking song slaps so good yeah okay we're clear thank you the avengers uh sweet slaps the avengers suite theme this slaps all music slaps pumped up kicks yes it's about the pumps that you know the shoes that would pump Reebok pump it's directly referencing that the Reebok pump

but it's not there aren't now other shoes you know in teen lexicon you're not going like those shoes are pumped up they're specifically referring to Reebok pump yeah well but it's back rebutt pump our back rebutt pump and you can pump it and you can pump it can you pump it yes okay okay so to talk a little bit more about crackers

versus cookies yeah yeah because we're getting your i like i like the sheer volume of big questions you're posing in the script absolutely 100 down with the amount well morpheus introducing the wafer question was great and then i think in a clever way we sort of say hey we can't answer this let's kill this guy hillary will shoot him look we've defined cracker we've defined well no. Well, no, we haven't. No, but you have. Oh, yes. That's right. What is the Oxford Dictionary definition of a wafer, then? I can find the Oxford definition of wayfarers.

But I know. Fair enough. I'm looking for the one. The Atariaris had a little something to say about that. Oh, yeah. The Ataris? The Atari family? Yes. The Ataris were talking about it, and boys of summer, they were saying,

hey, you got your Wayfarers on, baby. I'm... We got... Wait, what's... You got your hair thing back. Your brown hair shining in the sun wayfarer's on baby i can tell you out on the road today saw a black flag stick around a cadillac oh they changed it holy shit it used to be deadhead uh Wafer, so the dictionary says... Well, we've got...

I'm trying to remember the initial definitions. From a cracker is... Yeah, I'm telling you. Whoa, quite a cruncher. Whoa, quite a cruncher. And then... A sweet treat for friends. Yes, sweet treat for friends.

And a wafer, let me just look it up. It says wafer noun, and the definition is is I'm having a delicious time with this. In quotes? No. In quotes? Okay, no. The dictionary. So wafer says, wafer is I'm having a delicious time with this.

With this, yeah. Cracker is, whoa, what a cruncher? Quite a cruncher. Oh, what a cruncher quite a cruncher quite a cruncher Cookie is sweet treat sweet treat for his friends yeah

okay with these with these that's all you needed yeah because now we know what metric to judge everything the Cracker

we have to say and of course Hayes did bully me with the Teddy Graham debate at one point but let's make let's really talk about intent because I think

that's what this movie is trying to answer or not answer yeah what's your intention because the cracker is designed of course to be cracked true and the cookie is for

munching. Now, a cracker has a more dry preparation, doesn't it, Thomas? Yes, but you can have a buttery cracker. Depends on the cookie? Yeah, you can have a dry cookie. You can eat a dry cookie, but... The reviews will be in and not a good cookie. The way that I just... Construction.

And I just want to say the way that cookie reviews are going and also that they're review bombing some of these more female driven cookies trust pilot is we have to make sure that people have actually to be trusted in the cookie before they before they do these review bombs don't we or a cracker got okay look let's establish pro cracker let's establish a long line of obvious cookies let's say obvious okay dad's oatmeal it's a cookie cookie obvious you're not sitting there thinking it's a cracker i would never eat dad's oatmeal i think it was a okay orio yeah cookie it's a cookie cookie obvious you're not sitting there thinking it's a cracker i would never eat that don't be able to think it was a okay oreo yeah cookie it's a cookie even though you could

say you know like that that outer rim it's it's cracker like it it's a cookie oreo is it oreo is i mean oreo is really a sandwich cookie sandwich cookie yeah sandwich cookie okay okay okay okay okay um but boy once we isolate just the cookie part of an Oreo cookie, boy, aren't we getting close to a graham cracker with the dryness. Ritz. Boy, I could feel us getting close. Oh, please. Ritz.

Ritz plain. Ritz is a cracker. Ritz original. It says it in the name, doesn't it? Yeah. Okay. So if it says it in the name. Animal cracker.

It may actually be a cracker and it's because of the drier preparation. Cookies, the ingredients are put into the oven more moist, even if they are cooked and processed to a point where they become dry like an Oreo. It would help if Loki is saying this stuff.

Ah, yes. Loki's just listing different cookies and crackers. Just keep going. Say the same stuff crackers. Yeah, so just keep going. Say the same stuff you were saying, but just be Loki. Do you want me to read Loki? Yes. Okay.

Okay. The important thing to remember about a cookie and a cracker is- This song slaps. Is a cracker is dry. Cookies are wet. You cannot have a wet cracker, and you cannot have a dry cookie. And so, heroes, I hope you can answer that tonight at the dance. So I guess there's a dance scene coming later?

Mm-hmm. Hey, bub. Oh, he goes in that and continues. Hey, like. Oh, it's Ultron. Moments later. Hey, bub, it's me, Ultron, and I'm ready to freaking schnick to put out my claws and slice up some of these cookies and crackers. Whoa, Ultron-Wolverine combo.

slice up some of these cookies and crackers. Whoa, Ultron-Wolverine combo. It's in the same direction. We can't say Wolverine, but if we say it's Ultron, because we only have license to the DC and Marvel universes, but if we just say he's Ultron, he can look like whatever he wants,

and he can do whatever we want him to do. Nobody knows what Ultron looks like. Okay, okay, okay, great. Well, if you're here to settle the debate, I'd like to see you try to do that with these. Nilla wafers? Yeah.

Whoa, these don't even remind me of wafers or cookies or crackers. They're like sort of all of it. That's me, Loki! Wow, Loki really got me, bub. And I would say this song, Loki Slaps. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Tee hee hee. Okay. Tee hee hee. Low key. It does. Low key.

Lil, lil key. So you need, what are we going to do that little, little lock? Need some little keys. Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying? It's just if you imagine a small door. Not what I was saying. Oh, but your show game.

I love that. Yeah, yeah, no. I like that you got on board for what you thought I was saying, because if that is what I was saying, it's like like what the fuck was I talking about I was going next step you found a way to figure it out left foot right foot you're moving forward dude I love how game you are

so this is I mean basically what we have now is end game 2 end game 2 the second game Avengers end game 2 the second game Avengers colon Endgame dot dot dot

comma the second game. Dot dot dot. Whoops. We did it again. Bye.