Hollywood Handbook - Tim Baltz, Our Close Friend Again

Episode Date: November 19, 2019

TIM BALTZ returns to talk about the Chicago jazz scene and more. This episode is sponsored by hims (www.forhims.com/HANDBOOK), Trtl Travel Pillows (www.trtltravel.com code: THEBOYS) and Quip (www.getquip.com/theboys).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so we're walking around uh yeah so what and alex p keaton alex p keaton and the fucking family ties and the king. And we are cleaning the land. Yeah, so what? You know how every few days the land just gets all messed up? Well, there's horses out there. It's time to clean the land. Well, there's horses out there.

There's trees and stuff is coming off the tree, and that needs to be picked up. There's the pig. It's not just the trees themselves, but what's in the trees. Sticks, bugs, birds. That's all falling out. Yeah. Eventually, yes.

And so a couple times a year, land gets messy, you just go around and pick everything up. With the king. He's watching or he's helping? He is there. He's on site sort of directing traffic. He's boots on the ground. Mm-hmm. He's watching or he's helping? He is there. He's on site sort of directing traffic. He's boots on the ground. Yes.

And he's not necessarily picking up a bug, but he'll pick up a stick. Right. Well, and the risk involved in picking a bug up, right, for the king is, could become so sick. Mm-hmm. And now he's speaking is talking about he doesn't recognize, like he thinks that, he says Ronald Reagan is the king. I know. Which is what he used to say on the show. Yeah.

No, I'm surprised you were able to work so closely with Alex P. Keaton. As someone who, we can say this now, tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Land Back Hallways. In this industry we call showbiz.

I just want to give a little behind-the-scenes context, which is before the show, we talk about our experiences with the guests. And we get to know each other. And we talk about working in entertainment business yeah and this is important this is all of that is going into the show you didn't hear this but it is all being used as establishing rapport familiarity yes and so like now doing the show you are actually benefiting from this conversation but kevin and sam on the other side of the glass i'm getting these vibes from them the whole time trying to have a nice conversation they're like can we just get this over with please can we just do the freaking show

yeah it's almost as if they don't want to silently witness a fairly mundane conversation about minutiae surrounding shows that they're not involved with. And that, to me, is proof positive of why they're on that side of the glass, and my ass is in here. Period. End of sentence. Selfishness. See you later, Chef Kev. Yes, because the way I got in here was by listening so hard that I accidentally bleed through the glass and appear on this side. Suddenly, now I'm in, and it's because I cared about what people were saying about a camera or

a thing. Think about that. Can we talk to this guy who is here? This fucking guy. This is Tim it's Tim is coming to the show again. Balts. I've been

on this show. Now twice and so now we have Balts instead of Balts. And so now it's Balts. And it's become Balts. I've been on this show. Now twice, and so now we have Balts instead of Balt. And so now it's Balt. And it's become Balts. I see. Okay. Balts. Any relation to Balt Cesar Getty?

Probably way back, yeah. Yeah, gotta be. Somewhere up the family tree. Gotta be related to Balt Cesar. Maybe on the ship. Mm-hmm. And Tim was on the show with me before, and we did Shrink. We talked about Shrink.

Tim, I got to say, I listened to your episode with Hayes. Mm-hmm. I hated it. And that fucking psychobabble bullshit ain't going to work on me, brother. I'm not here to do that, and that's not part of me trying to psychobabble you. Don't try to reverse. We're trying not to do that. Don't try to get inside this head, man.

I've had to move on. Ain't going to like what you find. Every other CISO subscriber has had to move on. I've moved on to, that ain't my bag anymore. Come on, man. HBO ain't nothing but CISO with a fresh coat of paint. You got everybody else around here fooled but this psycho babble smoking mirrors bullshit ain't gonna work on me if you're implying that i'm hoping hbo max

buys shrink from nbc and commissions more seasons now this is something we can agree on seasons hbo max simply cannot get here soon enough. Can we say this? Yeah. I'm refreshing. Every day I'm refreshing. I will be watching it in Safari. Is this thing broken?

I'm refreshing my Safari page every day. I'm calling Safari. Think of this. TBS's entire catalog at your disposal. New episodes of Search Party. Maybe a new season of My Boys. Every day I'm checking. Hello, Safari.

Hello, Mr. Firefox. That's the official browser of Hollywood Handbook. I've heard that they have been talking about doing My Boys. Mozilla? Doing it as an anthology show. Good, yeah. Different boys every episode. Same same girl whose boys they are uh sometimes it's the same girl sometimes the boys are the same and the girl is different

wow and so but it's stories it's just like different like human stories about my boys it's just stories and isn't that really what we do? You're trying to move on from CISO. He's trying to move on from that question. And shrink the whole experience. Yes. Yep, yep. Just like Syl and Sopranos, they keep bringing me back. Pretty good Syl impression.

That was interesting to me. I obviously, I don't know you. I listened to your episode with Hayes didn't like it to see you disappear and become Syl in front of me it did win me over oh alright

I was like I don't like this Tim Baltz character but this Syl who I have such an affinity for when he would say Tony don't make Balt's too hot. All the things. I mean, you're not the only one who could do a silly impression. That was pretty good.

I was sort of expecting it to take longer, that you would be won over, and sort of kind of hoping it would, just to have more stuff to do. Well, the thing that I know about myself, I don't stay one over for long. See, there's a trap set for me somewhere, I'm sure. I'll step into it. I have no doubt. You keep knocking on the devil's door. Sooner or later, he might just answer.

Tim, you love jazz. Is this true? Yeah, love jazz. Chicago jazz. Talk about that scene. There's clubs everywhere. Yes. Every night of the week.

Horn clubs. Horn clubs, guitar clubs. Horn, big stand-up horns. The tall guitar. Yeah. The one that you put your mouth to and then you pluck the strings. Mm-hmm.

And the- Huge. Your breathing affects the sounds that come out of the big horn guitar. The tuba. Yeah. Tuba? Yeah. I mean, every kind of club that you could want, you just get a huge thing of deep dish.

True or false, it's the notes they don't play that make it jazz. dish. True or false? It's the notes they don't play that make it jazz. I'd say if I hear a bad jazz song, all you have to do is take notes out to make it a good one. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You ever been to Chicago? Chicago City, yeah. Famously done a couple

live shows there. Chi-town. In a row. Everyone who's anyone in Chicago calls it Chi-town. You want to be a local, you say Shy Town. The Shy. When I was there, we were calling it The Shy. Because of the show? Is there a show?

Yeah. Called The Shy? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hayes was calling himself a real shy guy, and he was dressed up like the Mario Brothers. And we learned from the We Are Your Friends movie that everything can be music. WAIF, for short.

And everything, in a way, what we're doing on the show has always been jazz. We always talk about everything. Please, yes. This is jazz right now. Hayes is the band leader. He's following. I'm picking up. I'm watching him for the changes. And I go, oh, I is jazz right now. Hayes is the band leader. He's following. I'm picking up.

I'm watching him for the changes. And I go, oh, I can go over there. And he goes, do-ba-do-ba-do-ba-do-do. And I go, oh, I could match some of that. Hang on. And then I go, hey, Hayes, I got an idea. Follow me over here. He goes, no.

I have to push him. Well, that's the biggest difference between jazz and improv. And then in jazz, you're encouraged to say no. Yeah. Absolutely not. We're sticking with. Yeah. And if you try to take it someplace else.

Hey, that idea gives me an idea. And he goes, stop, fucking stop it. We're going to have to cut that part out now. So you guys know Chicago. Yeah, not really. Well, you mentioned the pizza, yes? That was the other. I mentioned the pizza.

Damn, yes. I don't know. The pizza's fucking huge. Yeah, it's so big. Biggest pizza, circumference, depth. Swimming pool. Yeah. Sw swimming pool pizza right yeah it's an above ground swimming pool pizza do you think they would go for that there

in chicago yeah would they go for that yeah i think they've already gone for it kind of cold for swimming in the well pizza's warm the's hot. Yeah, the city's cold. Ice cold. What part of jazz do you think you could do with your mouth the best? I think, to simplify it, what'd that mouth do? I think that mouth would please an audience with a hi-hat sound oh holy shit and he was still a minute ago it now has become a small drum damn uh can you do like the like the double well you know Sometimes they do it really fast with their foot twice. Like that?

That's not fast enough at all. Oh, you mean the hi-hat? The hi-hat. That's pretty fast. Not going as fast as I can. What about you? The hi-hat? No, what's the best part that you think you could do?

And Tim's on the hi-hat. Yes. So there's no way. They never have two hi-hats. There are clubs that are only hi-hat. Yeah. Hang on. Let me see what I got in here.

Let me just reach into my bag a little bit. Yeah. Dig around in here. See if we find... So, there was nothing in the bag. That was how you... That's just my looking sound. That's what I'm looking in the bag. Yeah.

What comes out of me almost involuntarily is... Yeah. Empty bag. Yeah. What comes out of me almost involuntarily is... Yeah. Empty bag. Yeah. Yeah. Look in the back Or in the back So I guess If hi-hat's taken

Which I guess we all agree that it is Do you have an instrument You want to do? I I didn't have any in mind necessarily I could probably take the low end I mean If you're going to do the low end. I mean, if you're going to do the low end...

I guess I would have to scat man all over that ass. Squee! Meet you A bag of two Things that I know about you The one thing I know is you're on shrink And the second thing I know is I think you stink I tried to stop is you're on shrink. And the second thing I know is I think you stink. Skip it. I tried to stop. So I did try to stop because I knew it was going to get very mean very soon. The scat always gets nasty.

That's not me. Please be aware. That's not me. Sure. Yeah, I hear it. But I'm sort of a paranoid scat-sophrenic. I completely dissociate when I begin to scat. You don't want me to psychoanalyze that, buddy.

Hey, buddy, I'd love to see you fucking try. That psychobabble bullshit ain't going to work on me. We wear our characters like a thin veil, and you, your veil ain't that thin. Pretty thick and easy to see from over here wait so i guess now i do want to do want to know what you mean by that thicker is easier and i guess it's easier this is the psychological trick a thicker veil is easier to see like the actual veil itself we all wear it like a thin veil but if we don't pull it off, then it appears thick to the outside.

Bill Murray said wear your character like an overcoat. That you can see it, but it could be easily thrown off. So are you telling me that you think Bill Murray has played different characters in his career? I would argue no. I'd argue he's never played a different character in his entire career. Well, he got sad at some point. He's gotten sad. This is good.

And in St. Vincent, he got a weird accent, but he's never really been different. It's just Bill Murray. What about when he would put his mouth down like so? You're talking about the FDR one? When he would put his mouth down like so. Bill're talking about the FDR one? When he would put his mouth down like so. Bill Murray on the Hudson? Mm-hmm.

Ah. So you think that's... What about when he was doing that with his mouth? Think about that. And checkmate. Kevin, I noticed that you did not help and make any noise. And there was no horn. And at the very least, it would have been nice to be saying honk.

Kevin, who's supposedly a musician, decides to lay way back in the cut. Too deep in the cut. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. I could honk. I always think about being the ride symbol, though. The ride symbol? Yeah. You want to go for a ride?

What does that sound like? That sounds just like the other one. That's the high hat. That sounds like the high hat. It's totally different. It's totally different. It's on a complete other side of the kit. That's the Bill Murray of what that mouth do.

That's exactly what I did. Yeah. I guess I can honk. Do one. Honk. That's jazz. That's jazz, baby. That's jazz. That's Chicago jazz. CISO gang ever get together, have dinner?

Yeah, sure. Absolutely. What's that like? Find the hashtag. Where's everyone? Who do you sit next to? Sit next to... Well, it's a huge round table, so you're technically sitting next to everybody. No. No, you're not. Technically, you're not.

No. Well, the table's outside us. We're inside the table. So you're literally next to everybody. Yep. And you're not really looking at anybody. You're looking at the food on the outside. You're on the inner ring of the circular table. You're still not. That many people? No way you're not really looking at anybody you're looking at the food on the outside you're on the inner ring of the circular table

you're still not that many people? it would have to be a small round table some people are in front of you and behind you agree to disagree the point is that we're there with heavy hitters I don't agree to that, two people have to agree to that no, I'm agreeing to disagree

you're disagreeing to yeah, I'm disagreeing I'm disagreeing to agree to disagree hey, you thinking to... Yeah, I'm disagreeing. Yeah. I'm disagreeing to agree to disagree. Hey, you think Kulat really checked my avail for bajillion? Did you say Kulat? Kulat! Kulat. Yeah, I'm sure she did. Why?

Oh, yeah. You think she checked my avail? Because I felt pretty avail at the time. Maybe it's something between you and your agent. Whenever she's here and I ask, hey, want to put me on that bajillion? She goes, it's over.

We tried. We tried to. And we inquired, checked your avail, and you weren't able to do it. And I go, but I've always been avail. So do you guys have pre-existing beef like what happened before bajillion that you couldn't get on bajillion because almost everybody got on would you do this psycho babble bullshit on me too i'm i'm not i'm not

trying to don't you break down my walls saying you'm saying, you know, there were ABC storylines in that. They used pretty much everybody from UCB LA. They brought in UCB New York people because we were running out in LA. One time I ran into Fernie in a frigging Gelson's parking lot and he said, you know, we were just talking about you in the bajillion room and how we should use you for something because you're so funny. I don't want to put you down, but they even used some Chicago people as guest stars. That's a slap in the face.

No way she'd check my email. Franny stays in that gullison's parking lot. I don't know him personally, but I see him up and down that block. He is the prince of that block. His wife gave birth in the parking lot. And I have seen that baby going around there, too, and he's training. He's like, all that you see will one day be yours.

One time I saw Kiefer Sutherland in there buying wine in that Gelson's, and I thought, I wish I could share this moment with someone and sure enough I could. Fernie was right behind me. Hollywood Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready to eat meals. Every fresh

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That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood Handbook. So no pre-existing beef with Kulop or Scott? That she told me about? Scott might be Scott. Scott could have. That could be the issue? Scott might be Scott. Scott could... That could be the issue.

He might have kiboshed my ass. Now, I can never remember if I have told the story of the first time I met Kulop on this show. And I should really do it when she's here. But there is pre-existing beef. But I don't know if she knows about it. Tell the story. I was a young man, Tim. Even younger than I am now.

Seems incredible, I know. I was living in New York City. I know you're a Chicago guy, but there's actually other big cities. Yeah, I've been to New York. What's the point? Why make it bigger than Chicago? What'd you do? What?

What'd you do when you went to New York? What's the point? Why make it bigger than Chicago? What'd you do? What? What'd you do when you went? To New York? To New York? Yeah. Underground shit? Business? CBGBs? You get into the punk scene?

I did do some underground shit. A little show nobody watched called The Opposition. Huh? Do you have Comedy Central? You try to stream it on their dog shit player? Comedy Central, man. Super underground. I watch everything on the player. I download shit and import it to? Comedy Central, man. I watch everything on the player.

I download shit and import it to the Comedy Central player so that I can get all my ads halfway through people's sentences. That might actually be hurting their player if you're doing that. It might be part of the problem. It has clear structural problems. I'm watching Succession through the Comedy Central player. Talk about a New York show The Opposition

The Opposition yeah right they were acting so crazy on that show did you approve of that? no I was always the voice of reason in the room some of the stuff they're saying on that show I just cannot get behind yeah it's nuts in your opinion saying on that show, I just cannot get behind. Yeah, it's nuts.

In your opinion, what was that show about? Oh, dude. It was about 22 minutes long. Oh, give it up. Got to give it up. And I put haze on my shoulders. I carry him around the room. But seriously, like actually being serious. It was about this guy.

Good. Who is... He's a weird guy, not to interrupt. He's a weird guy. Yes. And like kind of crazy. And he's like messing up. And he...

I saw him on the show Freak Out. And a lot of the time I'm thinking about it and I'm like, is this supposed to be – am I supposed to be friends with this guy? Is he like – am I supposed to like fight this guy? Is he like pissed? Am I pissed? Is he smart? Is he crazy?

Yeah. Yeah. And it's all these things. Yeah. Yeah. And it's all these things. Yeah. But really the flaw with the show is you cannot satirize a duck-billed platypus. Can you? Because it's strange. But I certainly would like to see you try.

I'll watch you try. Mm-hmm. For how long was the show? 10 months. A month. Yeah. About 22 minutes. 10 months.

So, okay. That's how long I the show? 10 months. A month. Yeah. About 22 minutes. 10 months. So, okay. That's how long I'll watch you try to satirize the duck-billed platypus. Always the strangest. You'll watch 150 episodes of that effort. But that's it. And then I'll say exactly what I said at the beginning. You cannot satirize the duck-billed platypus because it is already the strangest creature

known to planet Earth. What's a parody of the platypus? And people say, oh, the opposition wasn't around that long. It came and went. And it did more episodes than The Soprano. They do say that. Yeah. So,

they do. Yeah, that's true. Well, knowing this and disliking New York as much as I do, I wish I had

not taken the job. Because they ran you out of town. Not taking the job, yeah. No, no, I enjoyed it. I got to slick back my hair

on camera. I got to work a studio show. But ultimately, they told you to stop position, didn't they? Ultimately, they did. Yeah. Yeah. They gave us an ultimatum. Continue doing the show or don't. And we chose the latter.

I was living in New York as a young man, and I flew out to Los Angeles for my big trip. and I flew out to Los Angeles for my big trip. Met with a sort of junior agent coordinator type at CAA in the Death Star, their famous building. He told me to keep at it. Maybe send him some other stuff if I had more. You did keep at it. Well, I have kept at it. I don't know if he did.

You did keep at it. Well, I have kept at it. I don't know if he did. So I was here. And what do you get asked when you come back from LA, if you're in New York and you're doing UCB? You get asked, what was the theater there like? How was the, did you see the theater? Of course, I'm only here for two nights.

So I go to the theater, the UCB theater. Smart. I would have done that if I'd been here for one night. And again, I wish Kulap was here. Should we call her for this? Yes. Let's call her. I enjoyed seeing on Opposition, you had to slick your hair back,

but your part is so powerful that just in only the few minutes of your appearance, the part is- Do we need a dongle or anything for this? Working its way back into, like, separating your hair. And you can sort of hear it going like, here I come. It's working through the slick. Yeah, that was something inside me telling me I hated doing field pieces. And I wanted to go home.

But shrink, you got to have the part. Yeah. Well, it's hard to get rid of it. I devise, even when I'm doing characters for a live show, I always start with the part. You start with the part. Yeah. I work from there.

I wonder what Chef Kevin's doing. He just opened the door and then closed it. Yeah. We don't need the dongle, do we? No, I guess we can just call her on... I just was asking. Just throws it at you. But what do I do with it?

The dongle truly is cheap in this town. It is. Then what do I do with it? And it's so short. I plug it into that. Okay, great. Well, we're happy we waited now. And you guys were having a nice talk.

I hope she picks up. I got having a nice talk I hope she picks up I hope she picks up too She usually does Yeah, let's pop off a few more while he punches in this note That is all I have right now If you would like to pop off a couple No, I think the duck-billed platypus thing Is pretty bang on

To borrow a Canadian term I don't know if you guys appreciate anything that comes from Canada. I do. Like what? Letter Kenny. I'm not hearing that. Baroness. Letter Kenny.

Is that the same as Kenny versus Spenny? I'm hearing it ringing. Is that the same? Yeah, same universe. It is Kenny? There's one character from, yeah. It's Kenny? Yeah, it's Kenny.

Yes, Kulop. Hey, man. What's up? Hey, well, I'm in here in the studio with Tim Baltz You know him? I do know him, really well And I'm here as well What's up?

Hayes is here too, he wants to make sure you know that I tried to do the dongle, but I just couldn't figure it out So, I was asking Tim if he thought Like whether or not he thought you actually checked my avail for bajillion If he had heard anything I mean like this feels like I can believe that we're having this conversation Okay

So anyway I asked him And he basically said like There's no way because you had used pretty much everyone under the sun on that show. And we're even, like, flying people in from, like, Sioux City or whatever to do little day player roles. So he then asked me, do you have any pre-existing beef with Kulop? asked me, do you have any pre-existing beef with Kulap? And I decided that this might be a time, and I can't remember if we've gone over this, but I would maybe tell the story of the first time I ever met you, but I don't know if we've ever talked about it on the show or even if we have. I don't believe we have. So when I was in New York as a young improviser, I flew out to LA for a couple days for some meetings. And then I wanted to physically see the UCB theater here because I knew people would ask me what the theater is like when I came back.

So I went to the theater. It was a cage match night. And I walked in and who was working there? Kula. Cody Fisher. Cody Fisher was a great manager. Maybe Emily. Maybe saw Emily.

In fact, it was Kula. Oh, okay. That's me. And I said, hey, so sorry. I said, can I run in and just actually look at the theater? Like, I just want to look. And you were like, the show's sold out. You know, there's no seats.

You can't go. And I was like, oh, yeah. Well, I know it's cage match. I know there's actually a break in between the teams. I know this is maybe strange. I want to see the physical space of the theater just so I can say what the theater is like. I'm from New York and I'm going back. And you were like, no, you can't do that.

And then you asked someone else and then you were like, you can't do that. And I said, okay. And then I sort of walked away and then I was like, hey, I don't know if this matters. I'm on the UCB website. I'm a performer. I'm on a Herald team. I'm on know if this matters. I just, I'm, you know, I'm on the UCB website. Like I'm a performer. I'm on a Herald team.

I'm on a Moth team. You pulled out the website. I teach at the, I'm not like a random person asking me this. I know you don't know me because you're in LA. I'm from New York, but I am like, I've been doing shows there for like five years. And you went, no, it doesn't matter. Okay, so I'm proud of myself.

I forgot this. And I'm proud of who I was. Well, you have a job that is a stressful job. I can respect that. I left very mad. Because I was like, I know it wouldn't have mattered to anyone. It would have cost nothing and there would have been zero consequence to me walking in and an arbitrary rule was upheld purely so that the power of your position behind the desk could be wielded as a weapon against me. Now, I would say you're probably one of my best friends.

Do you agree with that, Kula? Wholeheartedly, it's kind of crazy that you've not brought this up. you're not bringing it up until this moment i feel as a betrayal i think early on i thought well i don't want to bring up this story because i don't want her to be upset with me because i didn't know you well enough yet and then so much time had passed that i was like well i'm not going to bring up the story now but when tim asked if we had pre-existing beef that would have maybe caused you to... Never check my avail for Pachillion. I... The premise of this is...

There must be an email. I told you I checked. You and Hayes is avail. You were both unavail because you are high-powered writers and you're not avail. My rep. Something about my reps. Was this a phone call? Phone call or email?

Did I make the phone call to your reps? No, that is not my job. Right. But you're saying there's no documentation. So there's someone in casting who has an issue with you. Yes, thank you. Now, are you okay with that story, Kula? I am okay, and I stand by what I did

yeah I agree I agree shit man you put me behind that desk I would have done that with extreme prejudice yes and Sean if I were you I would have been very angry as well yeah everyone is right

it's one of those things where everybody's wrong and everybody's right. Tim's getting pissed. Tim is getting pissed. Do you want to just talk to Tim for a while? Yeah, if I could. Kulap, hey. Hey, Tim, how are you?

I'm good. I'm so sorry. I mean, not only is this cutting into my time in the episode where I was trying to get out some, I don't know, great juicy stories about my career, but it's cutting into my time uh in the episode where i was trying to get out some i don't know great juicy stories about my career but it's cutting into your saturday morning i'm sorry yeah yeah um i appreciate it um how you doing you know you did it i'm pretty good i'm on my way to get my hair done so that's gonna be exciting so i'll definitely send you a picture of my new hair. That'd be great. I'm doing that after the show today. I'm going to get a haircut.

Alright, Sean's trying to cut back in about his hair. Sean. Well, Tim, thank you for I guess including me in your time and it sounds like we squashed some beef.

So hashtag squash beef. Hashtag squash it. Yep. Hashtag squash beef. All right. Well, have a great rest of your Saturday, Kulop. I thought that it was the reps thing. Casting is also probably a good idea.

I think that Sean should follow up with those things and squash the beef inside him. Yeah, I think so. Also, you know, the show is available on Pluto TV for free. Certainly if you're into iTunes or Amazon, you can watch Bajillion Dollar Property Seasons 1 through 4 without Hayes and Sean. Wow, that is great information.

This was unplanned, but it's a fantastic promotion of the show. The guys are giving me the thumbs up. Check out Shrink. Check out all the shows you've been on that I think also Sean and Hayes have not been on as well. Hidden America with Jonah Ray, Gentleman Lobsters. You did both of those? No. You're not sure? You did both of those? No. You're not sure?

I did most CISO shows. Yeah, they did call you the CISO king. Yep. I was part of the rise and definitely part of the downfall. Love you, Kulop. Love you. Bye.

Who does Tim sit next to at the bajillion dinners? I love you, Kulop. Love you. Bye. Bye. Who does Tim sit next to at the bajillion dinners? I'm willing to talk about that. She's gone. I sit back to back with everybody. Jonah Ray, Cameron Esposito, Rhea Butcher, Matt Miter, Jay Okenfeld. Is that the guy? Yeah, he's roasting's roasting everybody yeah he roasts all of us

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would not find funny. You seem to think that you have a specific taste when it comes to what's funny or ridiculous that is not. I ordered a scented spray for my pillow to help me sleep at night.

Like a lavender scent. Okay. And they accidentally sent me two okay so you understand that most people would not buy that funny or ridiculous but but you but you do i just had a little chuckle about the mix up at the But you do. I just had a little chuckle about the mix-up at the shipping warehouse. Harry saw customers getting screwed over by questionable overpriced shaving products. Clean Harry on the come up. I decided to do something better.

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Highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry no risk trial don't like your shave no worries it's on them getting ripped off isn't funny do you want to hear what happened to me that you might find yes yes sure but that you didn't yeah so you're attuned to this stuff I got my foot stuck in the dryer at the laundromat and it somehow turned on and you know that that was something other people would find funny based on well the responses you were you were getting a lot of people inside that laundromat seemed to find it pretty humorous when my legs started spinning around and flipping me over what happened was i was holding my laundry basket with both hands and i saw when my legs started spinning around and flipping me over.

What happened was I was holding my laundry basket with both hands, and I saw, ooh, still a sock left in the dryer. So I stuck my foot in and tried to pick it up with my little toesies. I wear sandals. Punk. And as I'm picking it up, I just sort of tripped, and my foot got wedged in between. There's like slats in there and stuck inside there and then i don't know who somebody pushed the button or what but it turned

on and the thing starts flipping over and i'm flying in circles help punk help me you punks are your clothes staying in the basket are you going fast no no no i'm wearing all of them by the end of the cycle get started with a $13 trial set for just three dollars at harrys.com slash the boys that's harrys.com slash the boys for a three dollar trial set do you want to tell a famous story from you Hollywood? Yeah. My Hollywood? Please. A true one? Mm-hmm. A real one? I'll listen to that shit.

Famous story like that one. My first week in LA. I come out 2013 for pilot season. Boom. Going to Burbank for some kind of general meeting. Get destroyed at some pre-read. Someone tells me that I don't understand. Just get busted wide open at the pre-read. Just split that i don't understand just get busted wide open at

the pre-read just split open yeah split in half absolutely laid just hung out the window to dry they can tell my naive young fresh chicago bodies just waiting to get blood drained from it parking on the street at the slaughterhouses and I see my first celebrity sighting wanna guess who it was? Sharon Lawrence who's that? actress

Sharon Osbourne both close probably right in the middle of the sweet spot between those two people Kevin Sorbo I go up to him Hercules I say Close. Probably right in the middle of the sweet spot between those two people. Kevin Sorbo. Mm-hmm.

I go up to him. Hercules. I say, hey. Hercules. Hercules, right? I wish I'd said that. Yeah. Instead, I said, hey, big fan of Hercules.

Yeah. Disappointed. Remember? Yeah. For him, it must have been like when you said, hey, big and he's like what is he gonna say it could be so many different things that he's gonna like me for like that that that moment for him of like not being sure whether people are gonna say hercules or all the other stuff that right did must be like Professor Bible or whatever. Yep. And what did he say?

He said, shut the fuck up. We're in the waiting room, dude. We're all prepping. And then I realized I'm going out for the same role as Kevin Sorbo. I look around the room. Who else is sitting there? Breckin Meyer, two of the guys from Detroit Rock City. Okay.

And I'm like, oh, my God. Like, I'm so naive. This is my... Furlong? No, not... No, no, no. Is that one of those? Was Patrick Fugit in that? He would have crushed.

I got a Hercules story, too. Tee off, my man. Unless this is tennis. If you're done. I mean, pretty much I was done. I mean, you know... You just realize you're in it. You realize you had accidentally been someone who produced your session

yeah and that has happened to me too so when you go to and then they go do I have to come back like a different time and they go like no just do it then you're like okay so I

worked on a show called Ash vs Evil Dead on Starz. You have that? Starz? Yeah. Yeah, of course. I write it all off, baby. I got everything.

Yeah, I have it all. So I work on that show. It's the closest network to your name. Starz? Yeah. Yeah, true. Got a Z at the end, same number of letters. It's got a T and an A.

One producer's a man named Rob Tappert. Nice, I've heard of him. Sort of the king of New Zealand. Everything gets filmed in New Zealand because of some likely money laundering system that he has worked out over there. Root Beer Tappert. It's Root Beer Tappert. He is married to Lucy Lawless, and he was the producer and one of the main creative minds behind Hercules' Legendary Journeys and Xena Warrior Princess. And we would – he was one of the gatekeepers as we would submit stories for the show.

And so we would send in something where we'd go like, well, we want to have like this happen in the next episode. And he would start most calls with, we learned a lesson on Hercules years ago. And that lesson was, you just can't do this, boys. Everything that was getting kiboshed by this man was because of the expertise that he had garnered throughout Hercules. So, for instance, in a show where it was a narrative story, you know, it was not episodic. There was a thread running throughout the entire series. You'd go, okay, well, in the big finale, we're going to kill one of the main characters and they die.

And he'd go, you know, we on Hercules would try to do this where we'd establish some warlord in Act 1 and we'd kill him in Act 3 and nobody gave a damn. You just can't do it. That was just, that was everything. So Hercules really affected both of our Los Angeles careers in pretty substantial ways. Yeah, it seems like that was, well, it was early on for me, but it seems pretty fresh and recent for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's also the one who called and told my writing partner, Dominic Dirk, is that there were too many jokes in the script that he wrote. I mean, this thing reads like a goddamn Simpsons script.

I mean, first of all, thank you. Second, no, it doesn't. So is this guy still alive or has he died from how absurd he is? He's alive

and he could probably sue Earwolf for me saying this on the show. But he'd have to get extradited to the US. We could cut this out with maybe we just try to sew in something from earlier.

My story in this waiting room with Kevin Sorbo. Breckin Meyer. Two of the guys from Detroit Rock City. And the Sandlot kid who lives in Los Feliz. I see him around. Yeah. Casella.

Yeah, is that his name? The You're Killing Me Smalls kid? Yes. Is that dude just sitting on checks? Yeah, I guess. Well, I mean, like you said, he's seeking work. He's at Lassen's every day. Is he seeking work?

I've seen him. I've seen him at Muster Seed. He was in the producer session. You see him where? Mustard seed? Ooh, times are tough, huh? Why would you go there? I haven't been there. You haven't been there?

Oh, you've seen him in years. You can see through the window. Come on. Are we all going to mustard seeds? I always take a little piece. I've eaten there. I haven't eaten there in six, seven years. No kidding.

I wonder why. Why? Because it's a B minus. Now, Sean has told two famous stories, and you've only told one. And so, like, this, for the rest of the day, he's going to kind of be, like, strutting around a little bit. I pumped mine full. What is his story?

Does that remind you of any funny notes? I'm a spectator. I'm a spectator. I'm the guy in the big uh lifeguard chair at the tennis capital yes i gotta tell you i gotta tell you when you expose that that's your plan people hate you even more than they hate villains because you're cherry picking right now you're saying like the spectator i'm just i'm just an innocent observer i'm not i'm not trying to jump in there you're cherry picking you fucking cherry picker you want to tell a story so bad get in i don't have a story i like oh yeah

all right you got a million i'm a host but i'm also a fan acting his precious career he would never do what i did have the guts to call out the xenowarrior princess producer also who knows who's invested in mustard seed i probably ruined my career my career saying about how it's a B minus, but it is. They're frittatas. Like, I don't know. Why would you go there? And that's your neighborhood.

And they see you. They see me every day. All day long. Walking past it. There was one stars executive who knew way too much about artillery and firearms, too. We'd get notes on little action scenes. There's a thing in the script where it was like,

and then he tries to shoot the zombie or whatever, and he'd be like, you would never be able to do that without it. He would just list all these. See, now that's three stories from Sean. See, this is what I was trying to help you with, and he's going to be, for the rest of the day, he's going to be

insufferable. I'm getting destroyed. Ooh. of the day he's going to be like insufferable i'm getting destroyed like just like what's coming what's coming up what's going on tim tons of guest spots fucking lousy with offers sorry guys don't mean to brag yeah i can see them they're just trying to like they're trying crackling off you yeah that's true and most of the stuff's on Crackle, too. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Finally. Is that show, was it called Grimes?

Grimes. Vice President Grimes? Mm-hmm. Is that still? Nolte's Grimes. That, I think, was on Epix. But it seems like something that some people we know would have done. I didn't do it.

You didn't do it? Did you do Boss? I didn't do Boss. Real Boss? No, but Boss filmed in my hometown. You mean the Kelsey Grammer one? Yeah, filmed in my hometown. Shit.

My dad's old diner. Oh, fuck. Kelsey Grammer, baby. Your dad has had multiple diner? Yeah. Wow. He loved diners. He loved them a lot.

Apparently. Tell me more. One time. This is what he's doing with the Mustards. He's trying to bring down the price. He's got big diner opinions. One time he was sitting at his diner. Mr. Dad comes in.

And a Chicago celebrity, a.k.a. Improv Jesus, TJ Jagadowski, walked in with his wife. Just like that. We tried to get him for our Chicago show. Yeah, he's not going to do that. No, he's not. Apparently not. Sorry, gang. Who do we go through?

Arnie. Yeah. Arnie? Yeah. I love Arnie, but he's not going to be able to pull TJ. No, he's not. No one is. TJ's not going to be able to pull TJ. No, he's not. No one is. TJ's not going to.

He doesn't need it. You've got to wonder why he even put himself in that position. He's sitting on a mountain of Sonic cash and an even bigger mountain of integrity. You're not going to get him to do a random one-off podcast. I was hoping he'd be like, oh, wow, I'm me? I get to guest on a podcast? Yeah. He's old school. Chicago. Oh, these LA podcasts are I get to guest on a podcast? Yeah. He's old school. Chicago?

Oh, these LA podcasts? They're coming through Chicago? Oh. Where'd you play? I forget what it's called. Kevin, what was it called? Up. It was called Up.

Oh, you did the Up? Yes. We did the Up, baby. Nice. Up all night. Mm-hmm. Two shows in a row. All my...

Did you ever do this? Two shows in a row? Mm-hmm. Double you ever do this? Two shows in a row? Mm-hmm. Double. Uh-huh. Back to backer. Uh-huh. Yeah, you've done that?

Yeah. I didn't think I would have heard about that. Hey, no one in LA cares about what happens in Chicago. I would think I would have heard about that if that happened, but okay.

What are you guest spot on? Name it. Pick a network. Pick a network? Yeah, sure. Easy for me. You got them all? You write it off?

Yeah. Pick one. Paramount Channel. I was going to say Spike, so that is the same thing. I was going to say Spike, so that is the same thing. I was Principal Belfry in Anna Green Gables, All Grown Up. Anna Green Gables? Yeah, Paramount rebooted it.

Wow. In the present day, she's All Grown Up. Anna Green Gables, All Growns Up. Oh, damn. Anna Grown Gables. Ovation. Ovation? Mm-hmm. Okay. I played Assistant Principal Danforth. Ovation. Ovation? Mm-hmm.

Okay. I played assistant principal Danforth in their adaptation of New York Times bestseller, Outliers. Gladwell. Gladwell. Uh-huh. And I am glad he's doing so well. Welcome. Gladwell flew on the Lolita Express I am glad he's doing so well. Welcome.

Gladwell flew on the Lolita Express. You want to talk about that? Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.