Hollywood Handbook - Tim Heidecker, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Hayes talks to TIM HEIDECKER about getting replaced in a comedy duo. Also, Sean calls in from the hospital (he's okay).This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon ( www.mackweldon.com  code: THEBOYS), Brilliant Earth ( www.brilliantearth.com/THEBOYS ), Harry's ( www.harrys.com/HANDBOOK ), Quip ( www.getquip.com/THEBOYS ), and Indochino ( www.indochino.com  code: HANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast uh boy so i was at the um the sky dome cool with uh do you know sky captain uh is he like a superhero no he has like a private air force kind of sounds like a superhero joe sullivan no he's not a superhero he has no he doesn't have any powers or anything okay uh but he has like his own air force and he uh i we sort of got to know each other through twitter and so i invited him i was like i you know i have tickets uh tickets to a Jay's Indians game. Do you want to go to this game? And like he comes, but we don't, we don't know each other well enough. And so we aren't like talking for most of the game really at all.

Like we, like we say hi when he first sits down and stuff, but then we just kind of sit there. Yes. But then the, um, the peanuts guy is coming around. So I'm like, oh, this is a good opportunity. Charles Schultz? So thank you so much for asking. And I was going to be mad that you had just kind of jumped in like that.

But no, but that's a great clarification. That is not what I meant. I meant the guy selling Peanuts. Is that okay? And jump in if there's anything else that is weird to you about the story or whatever. And as soon as I'm done, I promise we will bring you in here. If I hear a pop culture reference, I'm going to play with it. And I know that's like you know so much about that stuff.

And that is a big part of why you're here. Yeah. I'm quick-witted and knowledgeable about pop culture. So anytime. I'm not mad about you jumping in. And please do it anytime. But if you feel like you really need to. If I need to, yeah.

So the Pean peanuts salesman. Peanuts man. Yelling peanuts, peanuts. Peanuts man. And that was a joke. And I know that's the other big reason that you're here. So I say, peanuts man, peanuts man, will you give me some peanuts? But do it.

So go far away and throw them. Maybe behind the back or something. It's not so he can impress guy captain. Let me just say, so he throws it from really far away and I do a good catch. But he could throw it behind the back. Again, I don't want to be talking about

the good throw after this. I want to do a good catch. Maybe you catch it behind the back. Thank you. Yes great see that's great that's a great idea thanks so i say go far go away go away and i'm like flashing money at him to show like if he like really does this i'll like pay him money for the peanut and so he finally gets really far away and he like rears back and throws the peanuts way too hard. And even everyone around is like, whoa, like, hey, that's, like, really, what's, like, what's wrong with you? It's really hard.

It hits me right in the hand. So hard. And my hand is burning from hurting so much. Sure. burning from hurting so much sure and i like put it between my legs kind of to like you know how yeah if it's really hurting you you like press it between your legs to just like take you know pressure pressure and i do sort of curl up and like lose my balance a little bit and i'm standing in the aisle so i start start to kind of, I guess, roll down the stairs and kind of like skip over the, there's like a barrier at the bottom. And I hit something I can't really see, but kind of like skip over that barrier.

And I fall into this net. Needless to say, I am, you know, you get arrested for that. That sucks. And that is how I, sucks and that is how i honestly that is how i got the idea for rosewater was my experience after that and now and understanding what people go through when they are rosewatered and have you seen rosewater is that pop culture seen rosewater no i don't know what that is wow okay so you know peanuts yeah i know what rosewater is it's like rosewater old ladies put on after not anymore not anymore what is it i don't know i've never heard of it if you ever imagine a man going to jail and in but instead of sitting down

or crying he is dancing in jail and it's directed by john stewart and he's taking a year off the show to do it oh that that rose water yes that rose water i didn't see it i missed that one welcome to hollywood handbook tim hi and now we say the um the full introduction you don't know the show or you said you tried to listen to it but the first ad was too long so you maybe never got to this point i stopped welcome to hollywood hamilton insider guide to kicking butt and dropping names of the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz what up what up uh so let's talk about it's a really big episode tim is here it's really yeah i'm trying, this is the most unadjustable microphone I've ever seen. The gold,

uh, whatever this is called. Springs are not giving me any, any relief. This is a Kevin thing, which is like, I'm trying to make eye contact with you, but then I'm off Mike.

Yeah. Kevin talks about, um, and it's the worst setup I've ever seen. Kevin likes to say beauty comes in, uh, comes with restriction. Okay. Like he likes this idea of movement being restricted he talks to us about a lot of a lot and like i just want to be

comfortable and so we can have a conversation but i keep you see what i'm doing my i'm going i'm turning my body and he is he is honestly you are much louder than i. I'm feeling very boomy and bassy. Do a pull and twist. You pull it out and then twist the mic like this. I think I broke it. It's better. Kevin is really getting off on this. And I'm sorry, but this is like you are honestly playing into his trap. I mean, it's supposed to be a premiere podcast network. I know.

Whatever that means. I know. But it sucks. But this is like watching people kind of struggle like that. You know this thing where it turns you on. Not me. Not me. It's relatable.

That's Kevin. Watch him squirm. You know. It's sick. How sometimes they put people in those plastic bubbles and suck all the air out and stuff. And they give them a little straw. So they don't die. Kevin has kevin has explained this to me right um that's kind of what it's about with the okay well let's talk about no this is comfortable now nobody wants to hear about my discomfort here this is um

such a big episode huge tim heidecker and it's like it's my return to this network of podcasts. When's the last time you were here? I think it was the last, last one I did on this network was that what we were talking about. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, with Brett Gelman. Where you guys got, yeah, very honest, very real. I guess we did.

Which Scott hates on that show. The joke was that we weren't getting real. I don't remember. There was a couple moments of genuine realness that was not meant to be. I don't know. We could talk about it of genuine realness that was not meant to be. I don't know. We could talk about it, but whatever. I said what my premise going in that day was that I was retiring from the show and retiring from doing podcasts.

And you never did Comedy Bang Bang again. I never did it again. Well, he wants people to show up on that show, honestly, with a set of false teeth and stuff. It is a lot to ask. And like I said said groucho glasses and like how about we actually take off some of these masks and we actually do get real on a podcast even one time and even as you're saying that scott is like screaming and running

away at the prospect of anyone getting real oh he was squirming right yeah i think well but but it's also a very annoying episode to listen to because it's Brett and John Daly and I just screaming like mad, like we were on several cups of coffee and just being totally obnoxious. That is like a... But people seem to like it too. It's a controversial piece of audio. Yeah, it's famous. It's one of the most famous MP3 files.

You can get it on LimeWire. So let's I really do want to get into sort of what is going on here. Sean is not here. It's so loud, my water pouring. This again, it's everything, I promise you

everything in here is engineered for Kevin to get off. What's happening with your co-host? He is having a baby. I'll say his wife is having a baby right now. Is this a kind of like morning radio show where you can do like guys in the studio applauding? It's great. People are like, oh, it's like,

he's like, oh, I can't come because my wife is having a baby as if like it's the first time anyone ever did that. Tell you what, he can't come because his wife is having a baby,

but he's not going to be able to come for a few more weeks because she's sensitive down there. And that is why I'm glad he's not here. Is that really how it works? It hurts? It's a tender moment. It's a tender period not here. Is that really how it works? It hurts? It's a tender period of time.

If you try to do it? Yeah. Is the baby coming out vaginally? Yep. So yeah, that's off limits for quite some time. We are very close, and so I am allowed to know that. I guess I'll just kind of start at the beginning of this whole thing. It is a big deal. Baby's huge. I guess I'll just like kind of start at the beginning of like this whole thing. Like I,

it is a big deal, you know, baby's huge. I am excited. And the baby is actually huge. Is it the first first? Yeah. First one. Not the first,

again, not the first one anyone's ever had. It's like maybe the, the freaking, is there a number? Millions. Is there a number bigger than a billion? No.

So, I mean, but it's a billion it's a billion uh and everyone's like he's like i can't come because i like like that's you know it is the first time somebody hosting a podcast with tim heidecker all by himself i can't come oh that's a good sample i can't come for our soundboard. Can you put that on the, we can use that. Thank you. Uh, so I guess like,

I guess like nine months ago now, um, Sean had asked me to take pictures of him at Joshua tree. Nice. He had a new, uh, he had like a, he was like,

he had like a character that he wanted to do out there. Character's name was Joshua Tree. Doesn't matter. Had to be Joshua Tree. Because that's the character's name. Okay. And so I said no. And I said that I was sick, which I regret now.

Okay. I said I had polio. And... He bought that? I was, I sounded really sick. And so, yeah, you were like, oh, he's stupid. But I was doing a really good job, like... Selling it.

Yes. And then he goes out to get coffee. You know that place Go Get Em, Tiger? There's a couple of them. This is the one on- Sawtell? Hollywood. No, not even close.

He goes to that coffee shop and he sees me having eggs with Robert Forster. forrester nice that and so that's kind of what i thought too yeah i but embarrassing i guess but what's embarrassing you got yeah he caught me yes because um yeah not embarrassing to like spending time with robert forrest is bobby forrester yes um and he acted like he was fine with it but in a way that i could tell that he was kind of upset and then immediately he announces like by the way i think i'm gonna have like a baby soon i think i've actually been looking for like a new friend and so i'm gonna i'm think i think i'm gonna have a baby like right now wow and so okay right now all right and he goes home and he like i think he like basically invented some kind of machine to like get his

wife pregnant he invented a machine okay yes uh and so do whatever they do you know like nature runs its course and now um this baby is come i guess it's already here or something or it's like halfway out or whatever uh and he has been texting me a lot about how the baby is like so funny and the baby is like really smart but like didn't have to like study that much huh this baby's just been born it or is like halfway out yeah well that seems presumptuous i suppose yeah is it doing like a funny thing with it with its leg or something yeah and he sent he did send me a picture and it was really funny well um i don't know what to tell you about that it doesn't seem but dude i think you do tim because like so this is not originally why we brought you here i wanted

to do um superhero showdown where we rank all the superheroes i love superheroes i know i know i know and i know so much about them i know i know i know and we can talk about that a little bit how many super superhero movies are there total yes total there's 21 marvel well yes sort of right exactly because that's not counting the blade trilogy no so what were wait when you said total what like what else could that mean i mean you could go back to total to the 20s and the 30s and find sort of the the one real afternoon matinee Batman movies

that I'm a big fan of I collect those yeah I don't know if you're gonna put that in your category when you're doing your search do that there's a straight up IMDB list here

all superhero movies from 78 so obviously okay well that's one number counting from Superman Superman the movie obviously right they got 79 that's a number counting from superman superman the movie obviously right they got that's a modern era we call that the modern era of superhero movies but we're going to do a total list sure and it's probably double that i'm guessing this is i mean this would be so fun i really wish but we don't want to get no i wish we could i really

wish we could just do this but i would love so you've worked with a lot of partners it's eric and like greg and stuff uh and everyone you know we can say people talk about like jealousy in those relationships specifically that you have had yeah i guess i guess i guess so no i mean i like i don't know how much you want to talk about it, but now it does feel like Eric is living his life to get your attention. Sure, yes. He's broadcasting it out. No, I think the key to successful partnerships is to find somebody that's different from you in a number

of ways. Can they look the same? It's preferred if they don't because what are you offering then? Unless you've got a twin gag going that could be fun. We haven't done that. But you don't want to be, your creative partners don't want to be the people that you're like

best, like that you are that super close with on everything. You want there to be a diversity of ideas, a diversity of interests. Skin. Skin color. Yeah. I'll only work with white heterosexual men. Okay.

That is my key. That has been my cornerstone. Our experience as well. And luckily we seem to, people don't seem to be getting that mad at us about that uh and so like i'm i'm just i'm gonna keep doing it until people tell me to stop basically with this one relationship but i mean obviously like if we need like a new kind of producer that's okay right um no i'm just kidding of. I don't have any prejudice for anybody. But like, for example, so like Eric has like a wine company now, right?

Yeah. When he's calling you- And I have a wine company. It's a different kind of wine, you see? Yeah. And he was like, well, so that's the thing. I think people should hear it because the way you said it, it sounded the same, but he was like-

I'm crying. I'm whining. He's like doing like crying with his hands yeah which is pretty funny if you think about it right but you can understand hearing it why people would just be like why is he saying the voice i did the influence but the visual is helpful too it sure is that's why um i just described it uh when he's like calling you right and being like did you see like i'm i'm selling wine now like wine now. Do you think that's cool? He called me and said, did you see?

I'm selling wine now. Yeah. Well, I believe that started with a discussion about doing a Stephen Brule wine. Because on the Stephen Brule show, there was a famous line of furrier wine where Dr. Brule was drinking wine. Sweetberry wine. Sweet where Dr. Poole was drinking wine. Sweetberry wine.

Sweetberry wine. And Eric is very into wine. He said, what if we did this wine? And John and I said, sure, if you want to go for it. I don't know how you'd do that. But then he went off and did it, and it's been a big success. Are you seeing anything from that? I can't speak to that.

I can't speak to that. I can't speak to that. He won't even let you talk about it. No. You know, it's a company that's growing. So there's room for growth. I don't know much. So people listening could maybe get in. We have a lot of rich people listening.

Buy the wine. I'm happy for a success. We all have had tremendous success over the past several years from our little, very strange, unwatched little beginning has blossomed into tremendous success for both of us. And we continue to have a tremendous, in fact, if you looked at my calendar, if you looked at my calendar, you would see a lunch meeting tomorrow with the man himself. A lunch meeting? A lunch. Notice that we said a lunch

meeting, and that's what I think what you're getting at, which is not like, it's not lunch anymore. Kevin, don't say that sucks. Actually, it's officially not lunch, it's just a meeting at the office at noon. So, is there going to be a lunch going on there's gonna be lunch someone could like order out lunch well we'll say what should we eat yeah let's get some lunch in right but that's even more just like kind of a formal thing and i'm really by the way can i say i'm really

sorry that kevin said that that sucks why would you say that you would jump to a big conclusion there well but the thing is when you're not in active production on something when you're not in active uh here's the you know we're gonna be working you gotta schedule it because if not you sit around and watch tv all day yes can you meet tomorrow let's go over some things positive things things. What did you mean? Well, it's... What did you jump to? I jumped to that, like, maybe you guys aren't friends anymore, because it probably used to be like, let's get lunch, and now it has to be a meeting.

No. Well, it's a meeting because there are things that need to be discussed. Yeah, because they actually have, like, business to take care of. They're positive things. Yes. But yes, when we were 22 and nobody gave a shit and we had nothing going on and there was nothing to do we had no wives or children or wine much at a restaurant and it was

just like what do you want to do today let's do this 90 40 sure 50 of our creative from the beginning that's 90 from the beginning 90 of our creative uh i'm gonna go back to 40 maybe it's a high number when you hear what i'm about to say this is some scoop true has been through shut up text messages instant message through i messages uh-huh whether it's on my computer or my phone this is how we trade ideas This is how we talk about what we want to do. Do you hang on to those? I wish I did. I mean, now it seems like it all goes to the cloud.

I am hoping that one day, honestly, I would love to, with Sean or whoever, some of my Gchats are so funny. And some of my texts, I'm doing some of the funniest shit. I am too. And maybe we should exchange numbers

and see if it works out. Just to compile this. And it doesn't exchange numbers and see if it works out. Just to like compile this. And it doesn't have to be us. You know, like they're doing. Kevin, shut up. I have a three year long. You are not funny on text. I have a three year long bit going back and forth between Greg and Mark Proach.

Wow. That I lie in bed at night and tears roll down my face. Tears of laughter. But it sucks that like no one, like it's just you three seeing that. Yeah. That's terrible. But there's an element to it that probably wouldn't work outside the three of us. But it could.

And I actually, and now I'm telling you to shut up because I know that that is not true. I know that like that's a book. What you're talking about is a book. It's writing. You wrote a book. You're right. about is a book. It's writing. You wrote a book. You're right. And we have thought about it. I thought –

Imagine when Eric hears that, how big a wine company he's going to have to start. I'm serious. Well, we are going to – I would give this bad – I'll give this idea away. Well, I'm giving the idea, so I have some kind of copyright ownership over this. Yeah. And we have tried to think about a way to do it. But what if there was a way that when you are in this, what you're saying with your friends, you get into these funny text messages. Yeah.

That you could essentially say, I'm opening this to the public so people can just observe it. Okay. That's an interesting experience. Okay. Texting publicly and sort of pretending like no one else is watching, but really everyone is watching. And then because there is also not only the content, but the rhythm of it can be sometimes funny, right?

Yeah, yeah. Sort of the waiting for an answer. It's comic timing in text messaging. So I'm working with lots of app developers on lots of apps. That's one of them. It could be a movie. Like, if they did, like, an interesting movie that, like, takes place only on, like, a computer screen. It's like a Steven Soderbergh kind of thing.

Yeah. Or, like, just on your phone and stuff. That could be kind of cool. Did you do Marin? Yes. I've done him. I've done him. Did him.

I have done his show twice. Can we get? We get it've done him twice. I've done him, did him. I have done his show twice. Can we get, we get it. I did once. It's so funny you bring him up because I saw him the other day at the South by Southwest. Oh, okay. Briefly. Yeah. He gave me a hug.

It was, it was, it was okay. Yeah. But I did it on my own and I did it with Eric. Did you feel like that he did a good job and stuff on it? Yes. I remember back when I did that, me and a lot of my friends were very anti-doing that show. We felt that it was not cool to go on there and talk about and expose your inner secrets or whatever

and the title is kind of bad yeah WTF yeah I mean it's lock the gates what are you talking about lock the gates but I

got asked to do it and I was promoting the comedy the movie the comedy and i felt i can't i can't say no to doing this because of uh i wanted to help the movie out in as much many ways i could and so i let go of the sort of arrogance of not wanting to do his show what i have always interpreted lock the gates to mean is the people saying lock the gates, the guy saying lock the gates, is like the government or society or whatever trying to keep people from accessing information about whether or not they have met Marc Maron before.

And so he is, in effect, unlocking the gates. But I just remembered another reason I didn't want to do that show is because he used to say shitty things about us. Okay. And there was one where he was talking to Tom Sharpling. You call him Sharp? Sharps. The Sharpster.

The Sharps needle drop. He was like, what do you think i tim and ari is it does that make you laugh wow and and tom's trying to be nice like i don't know yeah sure i guess he's like yeah just there's no heart there's no like heart in their work it's because we weren't like up there on stage bearing our soul about our drug addiction and stuff but and i'll just say tom was not trying to be nice i've seen him laugh at your stuff of course who doesn't he has like kind of a um it's the only it's the funniest shit there is you know his like portable dvd player that he carries around he takes it to all the shows in between

yeah conversations or whatever he's like watching stuff on his and he's like tom we can you like do this but i've seen him watch your stuff and like really cackles yeah i mean i don't care if you laugh at our show but to bring it up and listen, Mark Marin's show is about comedy. So he's talking about comedy. If he's going to, he's

going to bring up all, you know, it's, it can come up and I don't care if he doesn't like it. Do we want to hear, I mean, have you ever gotten a chance to

listen to yourself on that episode and like really talk about it? Should we do that? That's the, the inside, the, the digging deep into the marin interview and yeah i mean that's like a really good good use of time right i mean he's like done it for everyone else like like someone should do that for him to like really like dig deep on this stuff well

go ahead do you have it no you're just he's not even trying not even starting he does not you are doing it i'm looking for it looking for it it Well, it's behind a paywall, so I'd have to... Subscribe. You don't subscribe to the paywall. It's on YouTube. Every episode is on YouTube. But anyways, I ended up having a nice talk with him. He was very nice to me, and I've seen him many times before, and he's been very nice.

Whatever. Everybody's happy. Would you say your kids are funny hilarious they're some of the funniest kids i know and i know a lot of kids this is just like i'm doing a comedy for kids retreat oh really in um in santa barbara nice at my Comedy for Kids Retreat. Oh, really? In Santa Barbara. Nice. At my Santa Barbara ranch that I just purchased. Yeah.

And it's a big old ranch. It's got a stage. It's got movies. It's got screening rooms. It's got all kinds of, like we got a little arcade for the kids. Wow, yeah. And it's three weeks this summer in August. And we go up there and I teach comedy to kids.

That, I mean, that's great. From all over the world. That's really nice. Is it free or does it? It is not free. It is, but it's, we've got a payment plan. You know, I mean, it's not, it's nothing like out of, it's. Okay.

It's not like a charitable. It's not a charitable thing. No. I've heard, there's like a lot of obviously, land that was burnt up up there. This isn't? Not this land, no. This is spared, thank God. Oh, okay.

I mean, I just got it, so I haven't been up there too much. But it's definitely there. It's intact. And the parents come. They drop the kids off. And three weeks later, they come back. And hopefully the kids know a little bit about the history of Laurel and Hardy and SNL. We get into SNL a little bit.

I mean, it seems like you could get a movie out of this, potentially, if you are going through the trouble to teach kids how to be funny, that the last week or something you could get the camera out and just see. We might do that. Yeah, we're talking about doing some shorts doing some shorts like the uh remember the samurai from snl yeah we're gonna do that kid oh god imagine but like it's a kid or like a kid doing like the cheeseburger we're gonna do some bill maher monologues and just try stuff i mean i haven't worked out the whole sybilis sybilis syllabus but that's how

like a kid the syllabus the silly bus the silly bus do we have the the thing Tim's Kids Comedy College oh okay that's great

sold out this year but we can skip like we can like skip I decided like how many minutes are we in you're gonna have to go

like 35 minutes in. Is he fucking with me? He's kind of fucking with me. Right. What just happened there? Everyone thinks I'm fucking with them. Everyone thinks I'm better. Right.

But I think if we're going to be honest, you know, knowing that you were intimidated by me, maybe you were just uncomfortable. I was probably uncomfortable. There you go. I'm getting. Did you say that you were intimidated by him? First, it was because first of all, yeah, I don't want to talk over myself. I'm intimidated by a certain kind of comedian that came before me,

that was sort of famous before me. Older people. Older people who, and also hard sort of, you know, not necessarily the funniest people uh in the room like they're hard they're like hard serious people serious people right you know sort of like uh you know new york tough guys types the table at the cellar right yeah the yeah the cellar you ever but i've heard like you you have have occasionally sat at the table, and I've actually heard that you could really hang.

I'm a very funny hang. You and Jim Norton and stuff. Exactly, Jim Norton. I wouldn't be comfortable around that. Not that I have any disrespect for them. It's just not my gang, and you've got to warm up to people. I'm not just going to be all of a sudden, hey, you're a comedy guy.

Let's tell jokes to each other. Like, you know, the whole Mr. Show gang are intimidating me. Right. Even though I consider myself friends with some of them. But, you know, those guys were the people we watched. I'm sure you did, too. You watched in college or something. I don't know.

What, you watched? Yeah. Not really a TV college. You did too. You watched in college or something. I don't know. What, you watched? We did, yeah. You watched? Not really a TV college. I did Second City for college. Oh. And so that wasn't really my training is like pre-written sketch stuff. We like kind of lazy.

I remember the first week we were out here in LA. Bob Odenkirk brought us out here, gave us an opportunity. And he's always been very nice. And I was at some bar in Los Feliz, and Mary Lynn Reiskob was there, and I recognized her. I think it's Rajskob. Rajskob. And I was so stupid, I went up and I said,

hey, I'm working with Bob Odenkirk right now on something. She looked at me like, so what? Like, who fucking cares? Right. Fuck off. I'm here with my friends. I don't give a shit. Okay.

Now, she didn't say all those things. But that was, I was like, oh, yeah, I don't want, these people, I just want to be with my friends. I don't want to hang out with all these people I don't know. I don I want to hang out with those people I don't know. I don't want to hang out with you or you or your producers or anybody. But you, I know, like, and you go in and out of like joking and not joking. And I think that's why people think that you're always like joking, right? Because you'll say like, you don't want to be here or whatever. And like, people don't know that it's like a joke. Yes.

I do want to be here right now. That should change. Should we listen to just a little bit more of the show? I knew you originally as just a comic that I saw on TV. See? No, seriously. You can be honest. On Premium Blend?

Do you remember? Stop it. Do you remember where you saw him? Was it on Premium Blend? No, it was on the Conan O'Brien show. And I tell this on this show but i see i saw him at like one of the clubs downtown in new york luna lounge yeah luna lounge it was and he says and i don't know which came first i saw him in luna lounge and he told

the story and he started the story by going this isn isn't a joke. This isn't a bit. This really happened. This isn't, I'm not trying to be funny here. And then he goes and tells this joke. And then he told the same thing on Conan, like the two nights later. Okay. So I thought it was a betrayal. I used to expect that he was maybe trying to be funny.

I thought it was a betrayal of his honesty, of the honesty that he has with his audience. Why do you have to mask things as not being part of your set just tell the story i then i but then i grew up and i learned how this business works i learned that that's just a that's a good move to use so it's fine i don't hold a grudge on that i'm amazed by like because most people don't do that and they say like uh this just happened to me like on the way. I'm always amazed by that. Just on the way to the theater. What luck.

The stuff, the thing that happened to them. And that is real when they say that. I did a thing at South By. I did Nick Thune's show at South By. He did that show in the past. Something happened to me that day. Not the best episode. It's fine.

He's all right. Something happened to me. I so it's fine he's all right something happened to me i do like nick nice guy something happened to me that day that i used as something to get into the show with yeah that's my favorite and it was and you gotta have be open to open yourself to the universe what are you gonna say oh this amazing thing happened to me oh but i can't do it because no like i have this. Excuse me. Is that you?

No. Who is that? It must have been me. It wasn't me. Turn that off. It must have been you. I don't want to touch it. Turn it off. Okay.

I want to see who it is. Whoa. Wow. Okay. I mean, I said. That was Steve Martin. Yeah, I said I wouldn't look at your phone. I know, but I'm excited about it.

Somebody gave me his number this morning, and they emailed me and said, Steve wants your number. Wow. And so I, of course, wrote back right away and said, I'd be honored. I'm a huge fan fan and here's my cell and then I didn't hear anything

and just now it was a text message from Steve and it said hey it's Steve I'd love to talk so just from what I saw on your phone really I don't want to tell tales out of school but that it was a text from Steve to you and Anthony Cumia so was he the middle man

so I guess what that suggests to me is that I don't have his number. That you're friends with Anthony Cumia and Steve Martin is as well. And he's kind of like, because you said you're friends with a lot of comedians. He's like a funny guy. And you know,

like maybe he was like that older generation that was like intimidating. Do you get that? If you're friends with Anthony Cumia, that's funny. No, I have his number on my phone. i wouldn't call him a friend i just uh i met him i don't know 10 years ago or something and doing i met him i met him at a national lampoon party that was hosted by kato caitlin wow and you exchanged numbers there he gave me his number yes he said let me get your phone yeah and then suddenly i didn't know who he was i

didn't and i haven't been in touch with him, so I'm not sure what that's about. Okay. I guess, and now you sort of have an alibi. If you ever have creep shots in your phone, you have a story on record that at one point Anthony Cumia had your phone in his hands. Sure, he did. This was the old, this was the pre-iPhone phone. This was, you know, this is Nokia.

Oh, okay. So that somehow transferred. I don't know how that transferred. Yeah. I always back up my contacts in different ways, so Google. Okay. Do you ever do opening anything? No, but you know what I did?

We did Man Cow. Okay. Oh, that was the worst day. And Devin's nodding. Chicago. That was the worst thing that ever happened to Oh, that was the worst day. And Devin's nodding. Chicago. That was the worst thing that ever happened to us. One of the worst things in this kind of interview world. It was the worst thing, worst interview.

Is that like Bubba the Love Sponge? It was like that. We were not known that well. We were promoting, I don't know what we were promoting, an early season of an Awesome Show or something. And it was one of those early morning calls. We were a speakerphone, sharing a speakerphone on a cell phone, which is like the worst.

And we weren't very good at doing that kind of stuff anyways. So we were not like this real fast, not good for morning radio. And the first thing he said was like, so what's the deal with you guys? What are you, gay? We were not like this real fast, not good for morning radio. And the first thing he said was like, so what's the deal with you guys? What are you, gay? Ha, ha, ha, no, sir. Ha, no, no. You know, what do you say there?

And then they started talking, and he didn't come back to us. We just eventually hung up the phone. You never got to say anything. We did talk. We was like, oh, you got a show coming on? Yes, it's crazy. It's a weird show. It's like a sketch comedy.

And then they just started talking to themselves and never came back to us. It was real bad. You were the only married news team, so maybe he saw that. Maybe they just show him a little clip. Yes, I get the jumped. I mean, people were writing that in the message boards all the time because we had kind of a cross-dressing. Sean's telling me to call him. Call him up.

I'm sorry. Hello? Hey. Hey. It's me, Tim. We're doing the show. Oh, Tim. Oh, my God. Thank you so much for doing it, man.

I appreciate it. We're doing it right now. Oh, okay. Great. Oh, I'm glad. And it's going really well. We listened to his episode of WTF that he did, and we were just getting into that a little bit. I'm glad you might be doing that.

That's so great. He's friends with Anthony Cumia, he was saying. I'm not friends. Oh, wow. I'm not friends with him, no. Old friends make the best friends. You can't make old friends, right?

No, I just re-exchange numbers at a party. He said that he was the funniest guy he ever met or something. Yeah, I could see him cracking your whole shit up if you're in the right mood.

Nah. Not my scene, but like I said, I've got all these people's numbers in my phone i don't keep in touch with mostly any of them oh wow yeah number overload yeah i heard that could happen hey congratulations to you did you have a baby yet oh we're in no i'm in the i'm hiding in the shower of the bathroom of my wife's delivery room, but she is talking to the nurses. It seems that she's fully dilated. I think the baby will be out any second.

Great. So can I ask you this? How was the baby so funny and saying all this funny stuff? Well, you can hear through it. The cervix is opening for a long time, and so the head is actually right there at the cervix. Is that true? He's been cutting me up.

No, that doesn't sound right. When the baby's starting to crown, they call it, crown, you're not on the phone for your podcast. You're in the room, and you're losing your mind. Well, I got to say, everyone's experience is different. I try to honor everyone's experience I think it's important that the first thing that my son see is me doing a podcast especially with a big guest like you

Tim I don't know why you guys are asking about me we got Tim we're here at his WTF it's like yeah I'm having the maybe funniest baby I've ever met cracking down way funnier than Hayes probably a better comment great so we can hear him can we talk to him please baby I've ever met cracking up way funnier than Hayes probably a better okay well let's get me

oh great so we can hear him can we talk to him please I'll put him on for a minute yeah what's funny about him what's the funny what's a name of funny thing I can't wait I can't wait to hear this can just put him on hey Jack what's going on? Who's this? A baby? Yeah, it's me, a baby. Oh, no, I'm not on with Hayes, am I? That cat gives me the skeevy-teevy. It's not funny.

It's just like a hep cat. It's not like he's not doing jokes. It would be remarkable if it was a baby talking that way. Not necessarily funny, but remarkable. Yeah, yes, sure. It's not like he's not doing jokes. It would be remarkable if it was a baby talking that way. Not necessarily funny, but remarkable. Yeah. Yes, sure. It's interesting that the baby is like a jive cat. Well, the baby's speaking at all.

It's not even a minute old. It's great. Would you say funny? No. The funniest baby you've ever... Tim also said that his kids are really funny. And Tim, you're a great expert. You got a camp.

You have a camp. I've got the kids camp. Is this kid getting into your camp? Um, anybody can get in if they're over the age of five and under the age of 10. Okay. And have the $450, uh, entrance fee. Don't forget to bring your bug spray, baby. That's pretty funny, I guess.

Funny enough. What's your... Sorry, baby. That's pretty funny, I guess. Funny enough. What's your, sorry, I don't even know. What's your name? Ah, come on, man. I don't want to get caught up in labels. We got to put a label on this thing? How's this guy in a relationship? Pushy.

So you're like Dice? What are you, like Dice? No wonder his wife's always off writing the movies. Baby Dice. Hey, Baby Dice, I don't mind it. Hope it sticks. Can we not have Dice in movies all the time now? And he's like a legitimate dramatic actor.

That scumbag Woody Allen put him in a movie, and now everyone's like, well, yeah, now we got Dice in all the movies. He was in Stars Born, right? Hey, hey, hey, come on, Jack. Fucking Dice. We're starting from the hardest year. Come on.

Woody Allen's writing very good, juicy roles for women. You can't say that about all of our directors. Come on, Jack. Give me a break, man. So, again, it's interesting stuff. I mean, I don't want to talk to a baby, you know? Hey, sorry about that. He was getting a little

spicy. The take was a little spicy for me. You know, I don't want him to be born canceled. I'm already dealing with the likelihood that i did pass down obviously my disorder haze you know about it is that i do have resting six face um yeah i can contort my face to appear that i'm possibly like a seven on the attractiveness scale but at rest i am a hard six at best. And obviously that's something me and my wife have been talking about. Do we, you know, if that happens, does he get the surgery?

Can you see on the ultrasound that he is a six? It's, you know what, those things, as far as the technology has gotten, you're never going to be certain until he comes out. And I'm hoping that maybe he has really bright eyes or something. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that, I think, would carry him over the top, sort of like Bill Simmons.

But anyway, I just want to say, I think... Wait, you're saying that Bill Simmons is taken from a six to a seven because of his eyes? Well, probably to an eight or a nine nine just because his eyes are so damn blue. But, I mean, if you watched any given Wednesday, then you would have given it to him just about any Wednesday. So, do you have any questions? Like, we have Tim here.

Tim is a dad. He's like a two-time dad. Do you have any questions? And, you know, here. Tim is a dad, is like a two-time dad. Two-timer. Do you have any questions? And, you know, he's like, is teaching kids how to do comedy and stuff. So, like, do you have any questions for Tim about, you know, this, like, new thing you're doing? Okay, yeah. Tim, what kind of drills should I get him into comedy-wise?

Should we just be playing props right away or new choice? I mean, what are the short form? I think dress up is great I think it's my Bob Odenkirk impression great I think dress up is great I think pretend is great let them explore their own creativity

let them make up stories you know funky editing yeah should have said no funky editing. Yeah. Should have said, no, no funky editing. Okay. Uh, not political. Don't go political with them.

It's too much. It's too much for them to kind of comprehend. Who are you telling your kids to watch on whose line? Who are you telling them to like focus on? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh Troops, which is an advanced. Troops because it's evergreen. Yeah. It never goes out of style. But he's a little sardonic, you know? He's a little wry in a way that most kids don't get.

I don't want to offend you, Tim, but so are you. I missed that, but we do not need to go back. He said that you were also wry. We don't need to go back. Okay. Just for editing reasons, I think it would be great actually to, we don't have to go back, but it would be great for Sean to just say it again is that okay get it clean

yeah can we just get it just really punch it in yeah you want three in a row real quick yeah just do really yes do really really quick and you got just like three little three takes on it yeah okay I'll just give you totally different two that you would use and one that you never would have fun with one of them at least

yeah one that we can't use And then two that are reasonable Hey, not to offend you, Tim But you could be a little bit Rye and sardonic yourself Tim, I'm not trying to offend you here But you could be a little bit rye And sardonic yourself, and then this is the fun one.

Wry? What are we talking about? A loaf of bread? Come on, Jack. That one's tricky. I think it is tricky because it's not set up at all, but I think we can. Toss it. Yeah.

But it's fun. Yeah, that's a shoot to cut. Are the nurses being funny at all or anyone at the hospital? Yeah, I guess they've been cracking me up. They've definitely been funnier than the funny times I spend with you. Okay. Is your wife getting laughing gas? Was she offered laughing gas?

Okay. She actually married it. My wife was given laughing gas during her induction, and it was a horrible experience. Okay, so this actually happens a lot at hospitals, and I have seen this in the movies. A kind of large nurse shows up in the hospital room with kind of a white face and strange makeup on and says, Do you care for a little laughing gas? And people are falling for this, and they are. Oh, dear.

And they are. It is Joker toxin. Wow. Joker toxin. And so that sounds like that maybe is what happened to your wife. Has to be one of the great superhero villains of all time. And we did want to do the superhero showdown, but we never really got to it. And actually, Devin said that he was going to look up how many superhero movies there were, and he never did.

I put Joker maybe in my top five superhero villains. Who else? He was a good guy. gotta be Lankford. He was a good guy. What about Lankford? Who's Lankford? Thor. Not Thor.

Lankford. Evil. The spiny. Not Superman. Lex Luthor. That's who I'm thinking of. I guess Francis from Deadpool is on mine. Right. I didn't see deadpool lex luthor uh cotton mouth um the rage okay those kind of guys rich guy and who's harry crumb that was really foiling harry crumb but he didn't want him to

be able to solve the case are you having to talk softer or something you got a little quiet sorry I was just saying that in the film who's Harry Crumb I remember there was probably a pretty wicked guy um or a lady who didn't want Harry Crumb to find the case well Sean we uh you know I'll let you um get back to it but I feel a lot better talking to you because your baby is not funny uh and uh like everything he's gonna work on the material I mean he's gonna he's gonna hone it you've had a lot more time than him to kind of find your voice he's got definitely a tone a point of view and then it's just gonna be finding the inbounds lines because obviously the first thing he does to be defending, we all are pretty certain it's a sexual predator.

Wow. Do you guys consider Dreyfus and what about Bob, a superhero villain in a sort of kind of in a way? If Bob is like the superhero character and because it's sort of the same template and try this character is like he's trying to foil his super power sort of interesting yeah it is interesting to think about and how basically any movie could be a superhero movie there yeah because there's your there's your protagonist yeah whoever it may be and dice and blue jasmine is like in a way like the superhero of that is like, in a way, like the superhero.

Of that movie. Like, if you have to say who the superhero is of that movie. Of which movie? Blue Jasmine. Sure. Yeah. She is a superhero, in my mind. But no, but Dyson is the hero, and she's kind of like his. Dyson is the hero.

Yeah. Oh, I thought you said Dyson. She's not one of his friends. Yeah. Okay, Sean. Yeah, I thought you said Dyson. Yeah. Okay, Sean. Yeah, I should go. I guess the baby's coming in the next 30 minutes. Mazeltov, enjoy the moment.

Thanks, Tim. Thanks, and hopefully I'll see you around soon. I wish I could have been there. Take some pictures of your wife's gina. Okay. I told him that's my fault because i did tell him that the baby was being delivered vaginally i don't know if that was okay to say your might your let me give you one piece of advice nobody gave me let me give you one piece

of advice nobody gave me there's a chance your wife will uh will emit some fecal matter out of her ass during the delivery. That's not a joke. It's possible. And that's advice. Okay. Well, just be aware that that's coming. That could be coming. I don't want you to pass out.

Is it possible that the doctors were trying to protect your wife and just said that that happens all the time? On the second birth, I put a cork up there that's all i know okay well i prepped for it um you you have a cork yes i got i got yeah i've got a rubber one that i've been reusing i'll just take it out of mine um because i'm shy uh Okay, guys. Bye. Thank you so much. It's obviously fake. There's no baby. How obvious is that?

It wasn't a baby on the phone. I know that much. Definitely wasn't a baby. That was him. That was definitely him. Yeah. Not even a bad disguise. Not even a good disguise.

No, it is a bad disguise. Not even a bad disguise. And I didn't hear any, like, wouldn't you think there would be some hospital sound, like beeping? I do a good beep. Perfect. You could have really used you there.

Mm-hmm. That's really good. None of that. And it didn't sound like a baby and he said there's a shower there are showers in those some of those uh nicer nicer rooms a shower i don't know it's not give the baby for the baby it's none of my business but you agree that it's fake i agree that his i agree the baby was fake i can't say if he's not having a baby i don't i don't know about that he's not seems fake it's fake go down to the la county records whatever downtown and see if there's a new baby born yesterday today i will easy to do you know his last name? Yeah. They have to file it the minute he's born.

Yeah, sure. And they have everyone down there. Everybody. And they know everything about you. If you're born in the county, it's there. The county? Absolutely. Yes.

And they know everything. And it gets recorded right away. Yeah. So you'll find out one way or the other. Be a fun mission for you. That's great. I love missions. Something to fill the day you. That's great. I love missions. Something to fill the day.

So that's great. And I don't even need it to be fun. What time is it? About 50 minutes. 45. Tim. I think we've... Anything else you want to get out there?

No. I mean, it's all on IMDB. Okay. So we can all go through that if you want to quickly fire off anything or whatever you do i do have a call at 8 15 so okay uh what time is it now 7 59 so we have a couple minutes but then i gotta go i gotta prep for the call let's look on i've got to prep for the call your wikipedia i'm not going to just jump off air and go on the call i gotta prep no and there's a little yeah and we have to take a picture to read an email um and the picture has to be funny uh the wikipedia your wikipedia says that you're an

atheist did you put that on there no but who else would do that my wikipedist would say that you're that's not even a picture of me on my wikipedia by the way who is it i don't know it's not you it's not me isn't that weird but who else would do that other than you well there's all kinds of creeps out there on the internet atheist yeah it says you're an atheist the first it's like one of the first things that's ridiculous who cares who knows where do they get this stuff from? You see, it's working for Ricky Gervais. It's true. It might have been something I brought up on my podcast on religion. Oh, yeah.

Where I described myself as an atheist. But I wouldn't lead with that. I'd lead with comic, actor, director, producer. It says that you've acted in several films and it goes in order us is already number one number one because it's the last film i made yeah but they aren't usually listed in that well it's the biggest movie it's not never in reverse chronological it'll be the biggest movie i'll have been in uh it's gonna okay look i think it's gonna do great business it's gonna be ant-man and wasp sorry i'm sorry i I study box office.

I'm on. It's true. I'm on box office pro all day long. I got more screen time in us, so I don't know what you want to hold up more of more value, but you're right. So what you do to measure your personal box office success is divide box office receipts by minutes on screen. Minutes on screen.

Number of lines. that's my formula i perfected it okay and uh you do you get you get to do anything scary in that movie uh i cannot say you can't even say if you get to be scary in the movie it is better if i don't say let me just put it that way it is better you can draw your own conclusions there's no reason for me okay look you look you don't have to say anything. Just from what you said, I know you got so scared when I asked if you get to be scary. End of the movie is. So there's these.

I'm hoping I'm in the sequel called Them. They're all like, there's the family that looks like them or whatever. End of the movie, they catch them and they pull off the mask. Yes. No. Okay. And it the mask. Yes? No. Okay, and it's you. Yes. And you just said

you wouldn't say anything but now you're denying that because it is the truth. It was you did it. You can read reviews of the movie. It's all in the reviews. The reviews have been

unbelievable, 100% right now on homedepot.com. Wow. And we got an exclusive deal with Home Depot. They're the only ones reviewing the film. Allowed to review the movie.

Yeah. And you can go on there and search Power Tools and all this stuff, and they give you ratings and stuff. Okay. The five stars. And this has been getting all five stars from Home Depots across the country. Wow. So we're excited about that.

But all the reviews have been positive. But you can learn a lot about the movie by the review. But I would recommend people just go see it. I told Jordy, Jordy Peel, I said, Jor, you should just,

the trailer for this movie should be nothing. It should just say, this is the new movie from Jordy Peel. Go see it. What am I, it's called Us. What are we going to show you things from the movie? No, you're going to go see it. That's so funny. What are we going to show you things from the movie? No.

You're going to go see it. That's so funny. I did tell him. He must have listened to me because I did tell him to do a trailer. And I said it should be scary and smart. Well, Uni also wants them to do a trailer. Uni wants them to do a trailer. Well, Uni wants Uni.

And Vivendi is getting involved now. Vivendi is. They're back in play. I know Orion is doing Home Distro, right? Right. Trimark wanted to get involved but now they can't. But they have foreign rights. Yeah, they got edged out domestic.

Orion. Bye! Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.