Hollywood Handbook - Tim Heidecker, Our Late Night Friend

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

The Boys welcome back TIM HEIDECKER to submit their packet as a Late Night writers trio. Check out Office Hours and the new season of On Cinema! And watch the full episode of this recording at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so of course like i've got my laptop out and i'm like you have to it's like and it's every it's like attached to me at this point but you hear all this stuff about like health issues with no i know your men's count no things like that say it the your uh loads i mean we're talking about your load you need your loads to have a very high men's count these days and so i i use some kind of like a protective thing so i'm using like a a large tortilla uh to kind of serve as like a barrier corn flour or corn flour flour tortilla with big bubbles huge bubble that's how you know they made it right because it had to be so hot to bubble like that. So you've got the, you got it on your,

you know, got a tortilla. Just creating the sort of interference for the RFIDs. Uh, but I'm getting like these looks and I worry like, is, am I committing sort of a cultural faux pas? Like,

is this bad? Like is what I'm doing really bad? What, where was this i was in zurich but people are looking like is this weird like i'm gonna have to eat this thing aren't i i'm gonna have to act like i was i meant to like roll this up and eat it and the is my culture we eat the computer and a tortilla i'm gonna have to eat this whole damn thing right now and what's this gonna do to my men's account right eating the the processor eat the computer well i you know i i'm sorry i i think i got us off on that track because i just asked i just asked you about your men's count but we really do have to get into the show we can start the show we can start well we can start it and tim can weigh in on this stuff too i mean he's you know he's a man talk about the count everyone

yeah what do we talk what's your number fella what's your number guy yeah what is your number uh out of what i mean what is a men's count give me some context i have no i know nothing i'm coming in wow i don't want to just okay okay. Okay. No, that's cool. It's very respectful to, you know, we do these stories and it is a private conversation and for the guests to kind of come in fresh and not listen to that part is great. And this is the Zoomers, I think. I'm hanging out with all these Zoomers. It's not... It's...

In the culture today, like kids are really... Like these like young adults are really obsessed with like your... The obsessed with the count in your little swimmers. Your men's count load, yes. Sperm count, right. I think that was my first guess as it came up. That's what I said. Is it a sperm count? Should have trusted that instinct.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I have two kids. Do we need to say any more? Wow. Okay. Mic drop moment. So, no, I've had a five-year-old, an eight-year-old, and since the five-year-old, several abortions. Oh, my God.

I've instructed my wife. I wouldn wouldn't say instructed i'd say suggested strongly hey you know this that's marriage right it's her it's her partnership it's a ultimately it's her choice but i make her feel the what are you gonna say nothing well this is this yeah here's what i do i tell her how i feel about the situation yeah and then i sort of use sort of passive aggressive techniques as she's using so time to go well i guess that means we're gonna have to find a new house yeah you know uh now i'm gonna start start taking more jobs that i don't want to take sucks i love this house you liked it too didn't you didn't you like living in this house and then she goes fine i'll go get this taken care of and that's that's happened a few times since this is why the past five years

you know this this works for me kevin asked me what's wrong what's wrong haze nothing like that oh i'll just like nothing yeah i'll just mope around the house and sigh and just yeah what does it matter because nothing i'm just thinking about the news you dropped on me the other night where i was trying to fucking relax and watch my uh watch the dodgers and you come in with this fucking news about oh guess what uh we're i'm pregnant oh great fuck yeah what's the matter nothing why does something have to be the matter right i'm just stressed about you your body what you're doing i already have we already have major like issues with our two kids that we too have that we do have yeah and between us yeah you know it's like not going great so we have huge problems and now you're doing this

so but it's fine it's totally fine nothing i'm like thinking about it am i allowed to think about it it's your choice if you really want to have this baby this third fucking baby then we can figure it out we'll figure it out but i am personally on the record not into it make it a choice and choices have consequences we talk about this all the time this is the show is about anything it's about the choices have consequences by the way thank you guys for having me i love doing a podcast at 5 o'clock on a Friday. It's my favorite time to commit to something. It's a great time. The creative zone. It doesn't create any conflicts with stuff I had planned.

It's a perfect time. Family must like it, 5 o'clock. Yes. For us, too, having recorded at 5 o'clock every day this week and how it builds, the energy builds every single day. Every episode, you've got more and more juice. You've got more gas in the tank. I'm surprised you guys act that way because, you know,

Fallon, Kimmel, Cordon, none of these guys tape on Friday. Cordon, Blue. None of these guys tape on Friday. And he works with Blue, doesn't he? They don't tape on friday and that's the fucking difference and that's it and that's why we're where we are they're where they are and we'll talk about jim in a minute uh i heard i heard he tapes only tapes on uh tuesday it's like a it's like a 10 hour day he just bangs him out bangs him out

live to tape they book all the guests and they just cart him in and out and it's you're done he's got it they got to kind of prop him up they shoot him so full of fucking dope to get him into that state so that he can do those songs and they've got they've got that block of about 10 hours and then he's basically comatose from that till the next record. Till the next, yeah, Tuesday at 6 a.m. Or he gets into the stash, and then you see what happened where he's humping the car in a fucking mouse suit, and that's not planned. I heard the schedule is they tape all the in-studio stuff on Tuesday,

then they do all the car stuff on Wednesday, and then it's off from Thursday to Tuesday again. Sorry, yeah, Thursday to Tuesday. And, you know, Reggie can't be there Thursday, Friday. He's got something going on at Dynasty Typewriter. Then he's at the Smell. He's got the noise bands he has to check out, the art galleries he has to stop by. So it's tough to schedule that show.

The car stuff is, Con is on his way home and so they're like okay well he's gonna be in the car like we've we could set up cameras there and stuff he's gonna be singing a little song so we might as well get that right yeah that stuff is to and from santa barbara we will and we'll talk about jim but we also want to say this is the power of your men's count really in a way, Tim, which is that you did this your third time on the show by

announcing that you wanted to schedule another appearance. You did induce labor. Yeah. In John's partner knocked another baby out of my wife that is incredibly the first i thought i thought i've been on this show many times i didn't know it was only three i thought i've been on this show like i was like 25 times feels that way doing the show once feels like

doing a lot of episodes yeah yeah we try to make sure you get your fill you know so the first time i was on you were not you were in the hospital waiting for your wife to deliver i was in the hospital i was in the bathroom of my wife's uh hospital room and a a nurse actually knocked on the door was like get the fuck in here your wife is having the baby yeah but she the nurse it turned out the nurse had to she had a major pee moment that's right it was a ploy to get me out of the bathroom but then the baby came as well a huge moment for you no doubt

not a significant moment in my life sort of a tidbit interesting little side piece of my life yeah as you knew before we started I did not recall that until you brought it up. I didn't put those two things together. It took me a minute.

I went, oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, it was interesting. You did not remember Sean calling in from the hospital as his child was being born, but you did remember that we talked about Hubie Halloween. Yeah. The second episode, you instant recall for it, and you were like, that was when we were going over Hubie Halloween.

You remember? Yeah, since it's become one of my favorite movies. It ages like that, doesn't it? Yeah. It's like a Gruyere. It feels like a classic. It's like a cave Gruyere. Feels like a classic now. Isn't it funny how that happens?

Isn't that funny how something comes out and you think oh this is just a movie i'm watching and then just one of so many the vicious wheel of time grinds away so much and all that is left then the debris the detritus is shuffled away and hubie halloween stands alone complete and now we're watching it the family and i were watching it uh as a christmas movie too because we just like it as a christmas movie we just it's holiday it's holiday it's about holidays like it's not it doesn't matter it's fucking halloween whatever christmas thanksgiving you know um but i did want to say tim, I know that you have recently started a Patreon. We, of course, have been on Patreon for a little while.

And to the new people joining, I always say, come on in. The water's rapidly disappearing. Yeah. There was a certain level of cash going into Patreons that we got here. Are people dropping off? There's just a set amount of money to go around uh-huh and everyone who comes in gets a little bit from everyone else uh and the and the and the money pool is it just it's it's scrooge mcduck's money pool that's what it is a fixed number of adults with a fixed number of expendable income to subscribe to comedy first yeah here's my so i thought i mean

i've been sort of uh i've delved into this pool of fan generate or you know fan funded stuff uh now that's sort of out born out of the pandemic and i think just the general direction that the business is going is if you're going to try to do anything outside of uh you know a marvel movie or something you kind of have to do it on your own in certain different ways my that's why i don't do marvel movie that's yeah right that's why i didn't do it either well that's doing it here are my here are my complaints with patreon okay hit me and this is and i just want to say this is tim yeah this is tim and he's absolutely welcome to do this no i'm ready to t off on this guy yes here's what i wanted to be if he's not allowed to be on

patreon anymore and like this when he gets distributed or something that's that's patreon that's their decision to make i understand it here's what i would would hope that they can work towards or um because what i'm saying what i'm the what i'm fundamentally saying is it's great and it works and it's pretty good at a lot of things out kevin but here's what they should do they They should have, A, an option to bundle things together and get some kind of deal. So if I like, if I'm, and we probably have a lot of crossover audience.

I would think some, like the best show with Tom Sharpling. I would think the Chapo Trap House, a few other patron universes out there, hubs. There should be a way to go these are my these are my guys and gals these are these are the five shows that i love i want to pay for all of them and get like a discount or something and then they figure it out and they split the money evenly well yeah it's good but no matter how much which is like the least listened to of that group doesn't even matter whether you were saying

you the best show chapo and then us i don't know which of these is popular there's no way for me to calculate that and i shouldn't and it should not matter it shouldn't matter it's all content that we'll have to sort out the devil that's probably why they're great um we found it hey how about how about can i as a patreon uh channel can i give a couple of these accounts away can i send one to my friend can i have a contact you know what i mean there's no way to be like here's a it's like a guest like a pass to go to go to a show doesn't exist and so you know these high rollers they don't want they don't sign up for anything you know give them a free thing so that then they tweet about it and talk about it and go oh this is good doughboys does that for us we talked about this a little bit when they get a message that's

like oh my god like your show saved my life or whatever like that's an automatic like laundry shoot they send it over to us where we will actually take care of them but they have no they they say like what do you mean they drop it in the incinerator yeah what do you you what do you mean a free uh membership they send that the subscriber they they cut their subscription and they send it to us oh because they say that. They just don't have the bandwidth to care emotionally for any of their listeners. I mean, listen, I don't know anything about that show. I assume it's those guys that I probably like.

I know them. Yeah. It's unknowable. And there's nothing to know, honestly. But everybody seems to love it or something? It's an anti-human show. Let's talk about what we're, sort of the future with Patreon. They sent an email.

Did you get the email today? They're making a lot of changes. No, I didn't. What is the email? Yeah, they're shifting a little bit. It's kind of what you're talking about. It is a virtual community space now you you you need to use the the binoculars to you get a meta vr oh come on now yeah you strap into it you jack in right come on

in the uh base of the neck and you enter in there and everyone's there like chilling out like having a good time you can drink uh and they you can go ask for people ask people for their money individually and like they can each subscriber can like give you their money or you can be physical with them you can take it or some people i guess are forming little like like they're like fagans and artful dodger type figures yeah roving posses and then like yes networks of like pickpockets things like this um it just occurred to me it's totally maybe slightly off subject but do you would you ever envision patron the patron uh patron tequila patron yeah tequila it was formed by two guys named pat and ron so it's easy yeah uh they should get into the patreon they should be some kind of co-branding there anyways

what else can we look forward to in this in this meta uh meta patron world yeah it's kind of just like a west world type scenario where it's like you can go yeah you have to beat people up if you want to get the money you can um you can kill you can drink this they were really stressing that you can they kept talking about how you can drink but they were saying that the drinks have like bonito flakes sprinkled on like it's like it's all these artisan cocktails yeah um which is cool but like me guy like me sometimes i just want a fucking cold glass of suds dog your pb pbr pb tall boy i don't need nothing fancy i'll go in the same place right i'm gonna piss it out later yeah sometimes i'll just crack open a tall boy i got a tall boy at uh the palladium the other night uh local beer i think it was a domestic beer it was like 18 dollars wow that's a lot though right that's i mean it was about three three

three feet three feet tall yeah i went to a show like the Yeah. I went to a show. $6 a foot, man. I went to a show at the YouTube Theater. You've been down to the YouTube Theater. They're in Englewood. You ever been down there by the SoFi Stadium? I like that theater a lot. It's got all my favorite videos.

I got a round of drinks and a couple bags of chips. $100, ladies and gentlemen. You kidding me? $100 for a round of drinks and two bags of goddamn Mrs. Fields potato chips or whatever they are. It's like six and a half tall boys. What are they? Mrs. Fields chocolate potato chips.

No, no. Mrs. Fields chocolate potato chips. What's the potato chips that are a woman's name and they've got salt and vinegar and they're sort of the upgrade from the Lays? They're Vickie's. You're Vickie of Miss Vickie's. It's Vickie's. They got Miss Vickie's there and Twizzlers and everything else, but I got a double bourbon on the rocks, one of those hard seltzers, maybe another beer and a wine and some chips. $100.

Unbelievable. That happens. I go, hands up. I put my hands up. I say, I don't want any trouble. Yeah. Just take it. I just hand them over the credit card with the chip.

I put the chip in, and I do the signing on the screen and everything. I do the tip. I start telling them my name i send the names of my kids i go i have a family like please don't do this there's no need for this they say uh you need a receipt i go nah oh yeah yeah i'm similar i'm similar i go i go i i go can i have two You get two receipts? Yeah.

Can I have one? Can I get my money's worth out of this? I paid you enough. You know what I do? Yeah. I'm buying them because I have one for me, and then I'm going to mail one to my dad, let him see how good I'm doing. You know what I say?

I do this sometimes. I say, do you want a receipt? I go, yeah, can I get two? And they go, really? I go, nah, I'm fucking with you. And they go, ah. They they love it i pinch them a little bit there's these fucking things now that makes it harder to do it but if you yeah i'll go around sometimes go around the counter well in the patreon community it's a much better system

which is you pay 2500 a month subscription fee you drink as much as you want twenty five dollars twenty five hundred dollars a month twenty five hundred dollars a month yes it's billed at the top of the month and then you can just go absolutely crazy and then and they really want you to i wonder you know there's there's only so many of those credit card machines now. What are the brands now? There's a few. Square. Square.

Toast. Toast. Clover is one, I think. Yeah. Clover. Clover Pay. I wonder if they could make a deal with, so let's say you're like a shoe store or something and you've got the Clover machine.

That's how you take credit cards. What if Patreon made a deal with Clover? It says you get free. Anything at this store is half off. Is that bad for the shoe store? Yeah, but it's great for, it's incentivizing my patrons to go and support Clover, which is a great place to use your credit cards. Easy. to go and support clover which is a great place to use your credit cards easy and if and if and if they sell you know let's just say 15 times as many shoes as they were going to yeah then even

at loss it all evens out are you operating this podcast at a loss this is the loss leader for our our network yeah this is yeah this sort of brings people into listening to us what is the loss leader for our our network yeah this is yeah this sort of brings people into listening to us what is the network we have we upsell them what is the podcast network well we i mean we do we want to unveil this now i mean like yeah like basically well i didn't mean to you don't need to unveil anything i'm not interested in in being in any in having anything unveiled no we can do it we can do it about it i mean that's that's being interested okay we well we're hedging like we have a bunch of different irons on the fire so we have there's the there's the patreon stuff obviously with these changes i'm not really comfortable becoming like a eating someone's ass yeah like a child pickpocket or like being someone's ass i

could do it and i if i can like i can do it in this world i can do it in the virtual world i can be just as hard i'll send you back and forth between them but i'm not really comfortable i mean i do comedy like that's what i do that's how i love you know what i mean if i wanted to just be some kind of enforcer thug type just strong man you know just punishing people knocking them can you bust can you bust on the street can you do stuff on the street in the in the patron metaverse hmm here's an interesting idea it's busking on the street but it's actually a really famous guy doing it russell brang josh brogan and he's out there and he's actually the one busking who's josh brogan yeah josh brogan and he's like hey anybody

mind if i sing a little tune but then he starts singing like a famous josh brogan and he's like hey anybody mind if i sing a little tune but then he starts singing like a famous josh brogan song and it's like you sound just fucking like that guy man and so this this could be great for jim this would be an amazing jim segment okay well should we get into this this is why kind of we wanted to bring you here because with these patreon changes obviously we're all going to be moving on and so the natural next step for the three of us in this episode is to create our cordon packet yeah so we we were trying to okay you know find the guidelines for submitting to cordon to be part of that staff uh you seem to know so much about his schedule already and everything yeah we thought the three of us as a team you know you're you're sort of the name you got us we'll be doing a lot of the work underneath you right as a writing team a three

man writing team yeah and honestly production stuff three production stuff too a team of three is diverse it is yeah that's i wanted how often do you see in the writers room three people together three man team it's like the three stooge it's like the three stooges right right right that's what we could say that say i mean we should say that in the meeting right yeah well i i love this sasso hayes already there yeah and diamantopolis uh i wonder by the way what's what's he been up to i'd love to do an imdb quick search on him mo from the 2000 what is it 12 three stooges film wasn't that gonna be who was that gonna be that everyone well it was the original benicio del toro benicio del toro sean penn and uh jim carrey i think were the that's right what was rumored to be uh i think john

c reilly was you know smartly asked to do larry that would have worked out pretty good i think with the hair yep i can picture that i actually went back and watched some of that new three stooges movie and no jokes it's not that bad sure i i heard it's pretty funny like they there's some core there's some like they tried to go with too much heart like try to get us to like the three stooges which is not really uh of interest to me for yeah and the stakes are very high the stakes are yeah they got to save some orphanage i think or something i don't know but listen i have so many great ideas when it comes to late night stuff so i can just fire away if you want i mean for for cordon i love first of all he's so likable, especially when you get to know about him and you start talking to people that have worked for him or been around him.

He's really that guy. He really is that guy. So what I would want to do is kind of play against that and have him work, have him go undercover working at a Burger King or some slobs work, right? And get him in the middle of the like get him deep south or something and he comes in as the all right everybody and we get him fully in prosthetic you know totally disguise him um maybe go i don't want to go blackface but definitely changes ethnicity well somewhere yeah otherwise not that but some other ethnicity yeah not that but not that one that we're asian or something to do um and he comes in maybe as the asian this is a this

is actually really funny he comes in we go to like a uh uh what's a chinese food fast food place like uh panda express panda express perfect yeah he to, we find some fucking Panda Express by the airport in like Indianapolis or some bullshit. Okay. Just some like by the airport where just a bunch of losers are working there. They suck. Yeah. They suck.

They're idiots. And we get him in a full Chinese prosthetic face. Okay. Yeah. And we go in there and he starts and with it funny i'm not going to do it now because i but you but you can well james leave that to james he's the performer you know we're just the man the idea but he comes in as the let's get this you guys are going to love this the president ceo of panda express comes straight from uh beijing or wherever

and he is on a war path he just found out about some somebody you know he finds some kid let's say some 15 year old kid working minimum wage part-time you know the fucking moron with the mop and everything he's cleaning the shit at the end of the he he accuses this kid of stealing he accuses of stealing and they take him and put him put this kid in a limo or something some like black van you know put a fucking bag over his head and say i'm taking you back to i'm taking you to one of our chinese concentration camps where the uyghurs go right wow um empty gun against the you know yes this temple yes hands tied behind his back yeah and then we we put him in some sound

stage or something some some simulated thing and we get the sound of the aircraft carrier the the big dc-10 plane you know and then meanwhile car cordons just reaming him right into the you think you can steal from me you motherfucker right oh and then and then no no no no you let me finish then you can punch this up then we get him to the stage on tuesday and we say all right you're this where you're gonna live for the rest of your life you pathetic piece of shit you'll be mopping up the uyghurs piss and shit all day and night and we open the door and where is he but he's on the stage and there he is in the center stage right in front of a million people watching at home oh my god and and then he's like uh what you know and he's yeah then he starts crying laughing yeah yeah and cordon rips off the chinese man's mask

and he's laughing but it's nice like it's really well that's the thing is he gets we give him a million dollars or something. And his favorite singer is there. Yeah, not a million. Well, we make him the manager of the fucking Chinese place. Who cares? That's badass. Yeah.

Then if like Sia came out and did chandelier for him or something. Sia. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Or tickets to Hamilton or something like that. Yeah. Get him to see Hamilton. That's really nice.

I love it. It kind of dovetails like like i think he did that segment for a little while where he would eat like traditional asian foods and like throw up oh yeah yeah you remember he was like this is so disgusting blah yeah yeah yeah yeah so this is almost like this is making up for that and like well now he's saying that this food is so good that if you steal it you'll be shipped off to a concentration and what i love is the network i mean cordon's gonna love it and but the network is going to flip and they're gonna say you can't do this you can't do that and but

but that's why i think we should go in with the most hardcore crazy ideas and let them let them be the ones to whittle it down we're the. It's their job to kind of rein us in, but we give them the wild version. And by the way, if it's funny, Mr. James is going to give them a big old fuck you when they send their little notes. Hollywood Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors.

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood Handbook. Kevin, is this part of the format part of the format like what they is there any kind of or is there something where they like take people away like is that like a category i'm seeing like monologue jokes so this kind of could start as a better than that yeah it could start like as a very like powerful monologue that like turns into this like

behind jesus i mean i'm just shooting is there a monologue submission where we're like something really bad happened and we can't do the normal monologue that that night yes i like this where it's like yeah that um whatever texas has decided to like shoot everybody like and you just go like hey we can't talk about yeah we can't i i'm sorry i know what you come here for is you so i could come out and make you laugh your fucking dick off with these extremely well-crafted jokes delivered by a winning professional comedian right but tonight we got to talk about something really really serious that happened or if like the challenger happened again or something like the challenger yeah well what about like another way of thinking about this is just tape like an evergreen that kind of can

don't get stuff yeah don't get specific and it could be like listen um it's been a tough day i don't know if this is the right time for me to be up here acting like a clown you know and there'll be time there'll be a time for jokes again you know tomorrow next day but right now my thoughts are with what happened today and how do we and how do, don't even say victims. Cause who knows? It could be, I could just be, yeah.

But you would say my thoughts are what happened today. And how, as a, as a people, do we move forward? How do we move forward? I, you know how,

you know how we've got it with all of you. Yeah. That's pretty good. And then, then he could plop that in whenever anything goes down i think there could be something interesting for him too of saying like as uh you know as uh uh i'm wasn't born here uh yeah yeah i'm someone who has a you know a unique perspective on the american dream i love it i love americans so much and then what it stands for it always

it is such an honor always to be here and be in your homes that when something like what happened today happens it's as hard on me as it is on you yeah and for that i I say, here's the music. Who could be the guest? Ed Sheeran is going to play a song. He's going to play Blackbird by the Beatles. He's going to do Blackbird. I think he and Ed Sheeran could do Imagine together, and he would do most of the singing. This is one after 909 from the Beatlesles a beautiful version of it piggies

it's just piggies have you seen the little piggies in this starch white shed um yeah i think that we should give him that those options i think he'd be thrilled to know that he loves bank. He loves having options. He loves being able to choose. He can bank those and use them whenever he wants. Mm-hmm. Okay, so we have that. That's the monologue set.

That's locked in. Anything else? And where is it? Is there a website? Is there a form that we submit on? Yeah, do we fill it in or we just kind of do we send it to you that can't be right kevin we could probably like tweet it at him or like try to dm it to him i'd rather go through our our uh go through our team you know go through our

reps that's me then okay that's the move that's the move go through our reps undeniable at that point yeah because then it's official then it's like a oh shit you have the packet now you're like sitting up at that point you're like huh you know you're like now you're sitting up and paying attention yeah you know when the team is coming for you. My reps will go like calls. Let's call Jane over there at the Kevin at the James Corden offices because just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm sending over a packet by the new three stooges and it's really, really strong stuff. Tim, you'll know that I've loved all your ideas so far can i get can i give you a a different perspective on just this aspect of it wouldn't it be cool if post the three stooges

kind of designing what becomes the voice of the show that the story of how we got the job is some unique crazy prank that we pulled on james We're like, we went in posing as, uh, you know, three water cooler, uh, you know, crystal geyser delivery.

Yeah. Yeah. That's not bad. Sparklets man here. And it's like, oh wait, I was the sparklets man. And we start this big fist fight.

And as I like punch hazy spits out one of his teeth and the tooth is our packet. It like unfolds, you know, and becomes our ideas. And then I go, holy shit. What the fuck is that?

Why'd your tooth do that? I guess we better read it. And then we're, and then we're performing. We're doing the song. We're doing piggies. I like that. Well,

listen, I know a little, I know I used to know a PA that worked there and this could be a little more interesting. Um, I don't know if this is, i don't think this is public knowledge but i'll spill the beans here james corden wears diapers and like you know they say president trump used to wear diapers normal most normal thing in the world incontinent but he's so up he's so high echelon so up there there. It's very treated like he's kind of treated like a baby there.

So he has his diapers changed by a dedicated production assistant, right? And this was, you actually, you know this person. No, I don't know the person that changed the diapers. Not the changer, but okay. But they work closely

with all the pas like work together they all know they all know and but that person is that's really all they're there to do is change his diapers when he gets in his his diapers are full so they change them then and then uh after he's on a schedule like three or four times he he uh he makes a mess in his diapers uh not always two but sometimes you know a little bit of both a little combo or just like a wet fart or something yeah so what i mean if you're up for this i think the diaper boys are going to be showing up there with the new uh a new supply of diapers because they're the they're the uh old-fashioned kind the cotton ones you know

because he's an environmental freak so they're they're they're the kinds that you that you get washed and take oh yes the pa is like oh god we're all out of diapers nobody washed them and then it's like we come somebody rolls in the big laundry thing yes and we pop out yeah we're all wearing diapers uh-huh yeah well no we don't need to be wearing diapers no we're not wearing no we're not wearing no no no no no why would we we why would we be wearing diapers i'm not i'm not in a diaper i feel like we would be in like uh jumpsuits like white you know workman jump like painters we're in jumpsuits no diapers no underwear at all and we're well we would wear i would wear him i would wear i would wear i'd wear underwear i'd wear normal

underclothes yeah t-shirt yeah and we can't and we can't we can figure that part out so we're so we're pooping and pink right in our underwear no no no no that's what james is up to that's what he's up to we're just changing him and as we're changing him we say hey james uh we're the new guys but also wanted to share some of our comedy ideas with you and then he goes wait a minute security security and as security's coming we're telling him about the panda express idea we're telling him about the evergreen monologue and and as soon as security gets there he goes hold one moment wait outside and he's security guard still there he still might pull pull us out by our the back of our hair you know but uh we win him oh i think we'll win him

over and then we get the job security he's the security guard being really into it like the security guard's laughing and james feels like he's actually lost touch a little bit yeah yeah with this guy this like this guy's dirt to him, basically. What about this? What if, as we're telling James' idea, he's real pissed at us at first, but then he's warming up as we're getting into it, sort of acting things out. He starts chuckling, and he starts laughing.

The laughter's growing, growing, growing. And, of course, he's on his back fully nude with his diapers off he's laughed so loud so hard he starts peeing up and he's peeing up like a geyser yes and we all are peeing in it not no no no not all of us i'm saying he's peeing and he's peeing in our face and and we don't care because we're getting the job we know we're getting it yeah we we know we're getting it. Yeah, we know we got it at that point. And security shows me. He goes, security, thank God you're here. Yeah.

Throw me out for not recognizing the geniuses who came to change my diaper today. And then, of course, as a button, as a capper here, as we're leaving. All right, we'll see you on Monday, boss. Can't wait to get to work. He goes, aren't you forgetting something? And it's his dirty diapers. and you still gotta do the job still gotta do the job we take it home i love it which one of us will get it that because like the diaper how do we decide and this actually who gets to goes into like the payment structure and

stuff like oh who's gonna get the diaper yeah who's gonna get the diaper when he hands it off the diaper that he gives us i think in my mind it cuts there and we never like in our in the reality so it's just a coda it's like a post credits like if you stick around you get to see who keeps the diaper, you don't play that through in the real world. You know, it's just once he says, aren't you forgetting something? We go, we got it? Okay, good. All right.

Thanks, James. Thanks for the opportunity. See you Monday. I think that's kind of all we need. Tuesday. Yeah. Kevin, is that, where is that? Is that close to what he wants yeah yeah that seems really good and um i think that would be like a very powerful segment as well as this other genius one i didn't

know if you guys know about cell phone profile have you guys heard of this cell what is it profile yeah sorry you don't know about cell phone profile do you not know do you did you really not know cell phone profile or is this one of your like character things uh cell phone profile yeah a home cell phone profile um i'll just one of my favorites let me i'll just tell you a band is it a band james is presented uh with a song phone and text message from one of the phones of the multiple guests and he has to guess which one it is okay okay okay oh he's like a detective okay yeah that's awesome so like he did that with the cast of huntsman's winter's war and like they all lost it so i don't know they famously that's famous one day i mean that's that's the huntsman winter's war episode chris

so we could do that we could come up with some I mean, that's the Huntsman Winter's War episode. Chris. So we could do that. We could come up with some people to do cell phone profile about. Absolutely. We may probably would have to write some of what their text messages are too. Okay. And what their song is. Yeah, let's hit it. We could look at like just like movies i'm looking up like movies coming

out there's morbius there's a movie called morbius coming out soon that could be fucking epic we cell phone profile morbius yeah oh damn okay yeah yeah yeah yeah um i don't know i don't think we have enough time i feel like they're like we probably go all night yeah yeah did you gotta go yeah i do have to go uh yeah in 10 minutes um but nope so like fucking cell phone profile i was just thinking like we could do literally anybody anybody like uh what about uh um uh oh shit you got i'm you guys are about to lose you're gonna lose your shit when i drop this bomb then i can see when he's got something c motherfucking t i'm talking channing tatum baby channing tatum he could be good uh-oh he could. He could be good. Uh-oh. No? He could be really funny, cell phone profile.

No? He gets cell phone profiled? What about Tad, motherfucker? No. What about Tad Lazo? Tad Lazo? Yeah. Cell phone profile.

Tad Lazo. Dude, do you know what that would do? That would fucking blow up the internet. That would be like, what? Tad lazzo's on cell phone profile now okay i'm in oh god and this heart heart heart heart heart heart heart retweet retweet like like like the text message is like you can go home again and sometimes going home is fucking awesome yeah baby okay what if it's like cell phone profile what are the things a song and what else a text message and a photo song a text message and a photo okay so the photo is like an eagle and the text message is like hail to the chief and the

song is also hail to the chief and james is like well i don't know but like i'll guest to know is the cast of mobius i don't know who this is and then out comes out kamala harris wow surprise and james is surprised yeah or word believe okay and then a picture of ireland right or england or whatever and he goes who's the guest he goes i know tad laszlo what and then out comes jason uh doctor yeah sackis he comes out what there he is so he did guess it yeah he guesses it yeah yeah yeah that's that's we should have james guess it right he's i think the segment works if james is really smart yeah well he gets him right you have to get let him get it right every once in a while yeah there could be one really weird one that it's like who could ever get that you know what about how about this one you get one that says uh picture is of satriali's

meat market okay satriali's meat market the text? Satriali's Meat Market. The text is, hey boss, what time do we start tomorrow night? What time is our set starting tomorrow night? And what was the other one? That's it. A song? A song.

Born in the USA. Born in the USA. A song is born in the USA. Okay. The guess is Lil Stevie. Wow. The guess is Lil Stevie. Wow. Steve Van Zandt. What if all the saints of

Newark are there? What if every single saint of Newark walked in? Imagine. They got them all. Yeah. Can you hold Lil Stevie up again? Unrequited infatuations wow i can hear him saying that title it's pretty cool i didn't read it yet but and i will read it but the his pull quotes in the back i mean if you're little stevie this is pretty rad he's got bob dylan wow and and brucesteen. Who else do you need?

That rocks. It's huge. That book is huge. His pics. Wow. Wow. That's heavy. Have you guys heard of Shock Therapy Quiz?

No, Kevin. He just said he doesn't have time. He has to go. He doesn't really have time to do every single segment. There they are, the fellas. Me and Jimmy miss him every day. That's what it says. That's nice.

Imagine if little Stevie got into one of those freestyle rap battles with James. And they're both clowning on each other, really getting good digs in. But it rhymes. And and also they're like taking it with like good sportsmanship yeah i could see that i know jame i know stevie's a big fan of what what james corden's all about i know he's talked about that on his underground garage radio satellite radio he's always going do y'all seeim's james corden last night fucking funny shit that's some fucking funny shit some of these cell phone profiles i can't i don't know how he figures this shit out i'm doing the kind of comedy jim is changing the game in terms of comedy

you sure that you don't actually have to be mean to be funny it reminds me of early letterman remember when early letterman felt like you were seeing something special like so like some like nobody the network ain't watching somebody's getting he's getting away with murder that's what's going on on that late show with jim cord it's so out there the stuff he does it's like a mix of Early Letterman And Dick Cavett You know It's what I wanted Lillehammer to be

And the guests really seem Like they're having fun That they're not there For a job It's not the same Canned story every time They get to actually do Hear James sing a song

I think they might be Having a couple of drinks On set If you know what I mean You know I think they Lube them up a little bit i gotta tell you i can't get enough of that i watch it with the on the dvr i watch it in the morning he dvrs james corden i'll be having anything tell me quickly what shock therapy quiz is old friends face off in a quiz to

see who knows the other better wrong answers are penalized with a pretty strong electric shock impulse zap them abu grey baby right well let's just extend that we go okay we're doing this like let's also do some sexual humiliation you know like it's it's like okay you get shocked the first round too wrong you know now you're nude i'm smoking a cigarette thumbs up right next to your naked body and just kind of get that going simulating all the way simulating a crucifix with electrical wire taping your arms up on some two by fours absolutely what is this like uh is this uh these are celebrities though these are like uh who are these friends like uh ted i mean uh chris evans and uh who else? Chris Evans. Chris Evans.

The whole Knives Out team is there. Chris, and it's got to be Krasinski. John Krasinski. Two Boston boys, right? Yes, going toe to toe. But he's there as Jack Ryan, and that's something that he actually does in the show. What about this?

How about a dream scenario? Mindy Kaling and BJ Novj novak wow hey yo now talk about intimacy i would love to see more of them together on tv that would be fantastic oh no the only problem nobody's getting shocked. That's true. Nobody's getting shocked. They know each other too well. Damn it. Because they're that close. Damn it. Cool idea, except... Yeah, but swing and a miss. I got a note. Honestly, it's still good TV. Just seeing them know each other.

Let them go on the couch and let... You know what? People love watching Ken Jennings win Jeopardy over and over again. Maybe they'll just... They come back and they go oh my god this it's been 50 weeks and not one shock these two are simple are they cheating someone would say yeah is there hand signals tim do you want to talk about the office hours patreon stuff coming up the new on cinema new season of on on cinema all that shit man it's just all happening

at the same time all the time what do you want me to say office hours is on we do it every week it's a lot of fun we have all sorts of great guests come in and it's a morning show folks that's what it really boils down to it's a call in show

we Doug Lucenhop Vic Ber burger and me just clown around i got real mad at those guys the other day though i got real i yelled at him what happened tim when i watch him when is he gonna punish them i really can go off on these clowns you know they play the sound effects the drops we call them drops you know and it's fun and it's it definitely is a is a uh a good part of the show important part of the show but sometimes they get lost in their right behind me is where they sit sometimes they get lost in their little sound collage worlds and they're just blasting away

like especially on halloween they're just blasting away like screaming uh ghouls and uh you know murder sound effects it's really disruptive yeah as i'm trying to interview devendra barnhart i'm trying to interview devendra whatever his last name is barn barnyard bat bat and i say guys i'm gonna what i need is a nuclear button that i could slam down and just cuts the drops kill button but then on the other side of the coin you got the on cinema season 12 is now this is all about the paywall folks people hate it they're saying i wanted but i've gotten this thing for free for so long on youtube well it was never free there was always somebody paying for it now it's

you what you were doing then was unethical yeah exactly and so now it's behind it's at highnetwork, H-E-I, network.tv. And it's another $5 a month situation, very affordable. The whole season's there. We've got much more in store. We are just like Westinghouse might have been doing when he started going into the whole CBS situation way back in the 20s. We're building an empire. way back in the 20s you know we're building an empire and you know i'll look at your call your balance sheet and see if i want to maybe start start uh acquiring shows we'll see we don't know that i mean that would be me and like it's all part of the patreon family so we basically are already all on the same team and they of course they want to point out that um office hours it is a morning

show but you can drink um you can get fucked up in the new meta universe like people are actually in there with you they can now hit i don't know if you saw this in the announcement today they the audience can do drops during the show oh that sounds like fun so they have access to the board anyone can like hit the button at any time yeah and they have uh vodka unlimited vodka gimlets oh well that sounds like a great opportunity for everybody uh involved um well i appreciate you guys being uh friends and uh not friends i don't really know you outside of this experience i know know you a little bit. Felt really good to hear. Maybe we could get there.

And then I hit a drop now. Here goes. I don't think so, Tim. Oh, damn. Yeah. Okay, bye. Hollywood Handbook. This week on the Patreon,

Carl and Ahsan discuss Kanye's Drink Champs interview, the boys celebrate their 200th pro version, and the Fliegert ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes, including today's with Tim, at patreon.com slash theflagrantones. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.