Hollywood Handbook - Tom and Julie, Our Talkshow Friends

Episode Date: November 26, 2018

Sean and Hayes have a little fun doing a talkshow with JULIE KLAUSNER and TOM SCHARPLING live at The Bell House. This episode is sponsored by Casper Mattresses ( www.casper.com/savings ) and LinkedIn ( www.linkedin.com/THEBOYS ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Small, small, small. Small, small, small. Here comes Hayes and Sean. Hollywood. Hollywood. So, me and Gina. Lee Nolan. Yes. And John Arbuckle.

Exactly. And we are going to wake up Tom Green's parents. At this point, I'm like, why do you guys ever fall asleep? Because you know we're coming for you. Yes. And it's like, this was at the time where they were trying different

incarnations of talent to wake up Tom Green's parents. Sure, yeah. Well, it seems so on the nose at first to have it be Tom Green's parents. Sure, yeah. Well, it seems so on the nose at first to have it be Tom Green. I know. Can we get John Arbuckle in here? Can we get Gina Lee

from the song? Yes. I like football on TV. Pics of Gina Lee. Yeahie Gina Lee. Yeah. And twins.

Shots. I think it was shots. Shots of or shots with? I think it was shots. I don't know. What was it? Shots of Gina Lee. Yeah.

Yeah. Which is tough because we're friends and I don't know. Oh, no. She asks you and you freeze. Yeah. You give her that freeze face. I don't know the words to the song. Anyway.

So we get to the house. I know. And we get to the front door. And I know that. We're sneaking around. Yeah, I know that. We're sneaking around. Yeah, I know. And... We get to the door.

Oh, Hayes. You didn't tell me this part. So this is the part where it's... Okay. Oh, I didn't know this we get to the door and tom green's dad answers the door oh so we're like oh no and i sort of look around it's like 7 30 right and he's like what's up and i were like we just have to like play this out uh-huh and so we're like we're hungry yeah and you know tom agree's that he's like well you gotta come in and have some way yeah yeah he'll stuff you. No, Mr. Green will stuff you. Yes.

So we end up sitting down at the dinner table. We have dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Green. We're like, he's awake. Like, what do we do? And we're just kind of like trying to get him to like eat a little, like watching for him to start to nod off. Hopefully get sleepy, yeah. But then I start to see like he's looking at us like he knows.

We're playing chess. You know? 3D chess. Yes. With the human mind as the pieces. And as this realization sets in, I realize... The king is, in, I realize. The king is like falling asleep. So yeah, I am starting to get sleepy.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. And I can see that he's done something with the food. Uh-huh. And the next thing I know, there's a firecracker going off. I'm in his bed. No, Hayes.

Yes. I didn't know this part, Hayes. He flipped it on me. So you got woken up? That was the show. It turned out. You were woken up by Tom Green's dad? Yes.

Hayes. Which is why I didn't tell you why I finished the story before with just us being outside the house. You didn't think that. You were very satisfied by that. Yeah, I heard this great story. I was telling other people. I was like,

it's not my story, but you have to hear it. It's so good. Hayes went to Tom Green's dad's house. He never got to the door. And people would, and they're spreading it, I'm sure. Oh, no. And I was like, this is scoring.

I guess I'll just let it. And what did Gina Lee do? Gina Lee? Yes. Was she also asleep? Yeah, she was asleep kind of, like right when we crossed, got into the door. And was John Arbuckle in on it? John Arbuckle.

I'd almost forgotten he was there. Yeah. He had the camera. And he's working with Mr. Green. Yes. Because if he fell asleep, then I'd be worried. Who feeds Odie? Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook,

an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lines, back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Little housekeeping. What up, what up? Check it off. We are doing two shows tonight. This is the New York night of shows.

We did both shows, back-to-back shows. Yes. And so, obviously, when you do two shows, one show will be the good one. The good show was the first show. Yes. Obviously. The real fans, as soon as a show goes on sale, are going to buy tickets to that one.

If you waited for the second show, you don't deserve our best show. Some of you were maybe there. Was that fun or what? I mean... That one was good. We won't do that because... No. For that one, we were very tired also.

Exhausted. Exhausted. But we pushed through. Yes. But now we are asleep yeah there's a doctor backstage and he came and he took the test and he said i'm asleep so fine you know i'll be on stage because that is like in the contract but you know i'm not gonna try too hard to wake up. I'm asleep. If you could be quiet, and believe me, you will. We'll help.

Yeah, it's better for us. But we'll do the show anyway. We thought... What else? What would be good to do the sweetest treat? Yes. And other than, of course candy yes so that came out stuff we thought do we do candy what would that be how do you do that for the audience you just give it to them what's the show version of that it's small it's too small it is

it is a whole show i don't know if you've seen Smarties. Yeah. But they're like the size of a little bean. And there's some even smaller than that. A nerd. So what does that look like on stage, right? It's almost nothing. A nerd is the show.

Please. Hey, Chef Kevin, don't come out yet. Yeah. Please Hey Chef Kevin don't come out yet Yeah It's late It's getting late And we're getting funny

I am just kidding One thing I like to do is I'll give Chef Kevin one of these And I'll go Remember that show Nerd Poker Yeah It was a show on Earwolf. Pretty popular. Yeah. So.

So we thought, okay, not candy. We can't do candy this show. That's too crazy. So. Even, something even sweeter than that. Right. Crazy. So, even, something even sweeter than that. Right. So we said, what's the sweetest entertainment

and the most classic funniness to ever be a show? Mm-hmm. And we remembered. Frigging the... Old shows. Yeah. What does he mean?

I'll tell you. We thought the sweetest fun to do would be, for you, old-fashioned talk show. Really get back to our roots. I mean, what we're doing, right, is a bastardization, a modern offspring of

the classic talk show, but what happened to that format that was so beloved? We got away from it, didn't we? We did. We forgot to dance with the girl that brung us. Yeah. And as two gentlemen, we're going to remember again.

It's the most classic format. Nothing has ever been funnier. Or more charming. or more iconic or more natural or more cool and more. No, go ahead. Fun and funny and iconic. So tonight, do you need both of those? Uh-huh.

Those are yours? The waters? Yes. This one I definitely need. Okay. That one I have to have. Okay. That's fine.

Yeah. That's why I asked. I must. Why, did you want one? And do you need an extra cap as well? The cap, I need. Okay? Did you want one? And do you need an extra cap as well? The cap, I need. Okay. Completely necessary. Okay.

Because I know the second I take this cap off... You're going to lose it. I'm going to lose it. Yeah. I'm going to lose it. I'm going to lose it. Yeah. It's an old habit of mine.

You know, I used to walk into a party with a bottle of Jack. First thing I do, throw the cap away. I'm not going to need it. And all the cups at the party. Oh, yeah. You're throwing those away as well. Because I'm not using them. Yeah.

Then I throw the bottle out. I'm not thirsty. Then I leave the party. I wasn't invited. Old party trick. Can we get the, should we get the stage kind of arranged for old fashioned talk show? Absolutely. Do you want to be the main host?

I think so. Yeah, because Hayes is the host of the show. Right. But do you want to be, what if you are Paul Schaefer? Yes, please. Uh oh. Oh yeah. And. yes please oh oh oh yeah uh and

you could also be okay what if it's paul you're paul schaefer but you also get to do stand-up at some point of the show and it's like your big your big oh and maybe I could get the couch. Right? That would be huge for me. Right? And it'll be especially good because I, of course, have prepared stand-up material. So let me... I'll move the table into a

desk. So... Oh... Gammon. Oh, so... Oh. Come in. Come in. Come in. Not there. So it's my desk Kevin has a standing desk

over my knee I don't want the leg between my knees I want my knees between two legs my knees yes wait no Kevin Kevin snug me in a little more My knees? Yes. Ah.

Wait, no, Kevin, Kevin. Snug me in a little more. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Really good, Hayes. That's good. And how are you going to do music? Huh? How are you going to do... You're Paul Schaefer.

How are you going to do music? Hey, hey, when it's time, we'll figure it out. Okay. Oh, my God. How am I going to do music? Just let him. We could have one second. Just kind of let him think this out.

I never thought about that. I said I'd be Paul Schaefer so fast, and I thought, I can do that. But I can't. Ready when you are, Hayes. Okay. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. ready when you are Hayes okay I'll just do like a be like a funny host yep hey everyone everyone.

Welcome to Hollywood Handbook Old Fashioned Talk Show. Ah, Hollywood Handbook. Ah. Hey, Sean. Oh, no. Here it comes. What are you doing? Uh-oh, he got me.

You got me, you son of a bitch. Okay, enough. Okay. Okay. We just go. It's hard. You see Carson do it. Yeah, it's so easy.

Well, that's why he's the man. It's so effortless. It died with him, but it's too late now. Should we bring out a guest? Let's have a guest. uh should we bring out a guest let's have a guest there's some people uh that are so special uh and are so funny and uh are iconic yes and have done tv and wrote a book yeah and maybe another book but maybe just one yeah we don't know we just don't know uh and let's bring her out please Please welcome Julie Klausner.

Ah, I don't know. Where do we sit? Well, let's put two together. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do you want to... Wait, sorry. I feel like... Yeah. The music...

I never learned to whistle. And I had like a hundred crackers backstage. The music did... Just for next time? Yeah. The music did start a little... Did you feel it was late? A little late.

Did you feel it was late? Do you late. Did you feel it was late? Do you want me to go... She had kind of landed by the time I was hearing the beginning of the music. It sounded like the Austin Powers theme song. It was the Austin Powers theme. Yes. Because you're at the height of your powers. I think is...

Is that what you were referencing? Absolutely. Absolutely. This is a weird format. Because if you're Paul Schaefer, wouldn't I be on this side of you? Yeah, but you chose to sit down there. You pointed at that chair as if to say, should I sit in this chair?

I pointed at that chair and was like, yeah. And I made room for you. And I made room for you. Well, I'll sit there. Okay. And maybe we do another, yeah, like a... Oh, yeah. Do-do-do-do-do.

Do-do-do-do-do. Hi, Julie. You're so close to his. Shagadelic. And he's very far. Have you ever done one of these? Yeah. Did you do Seth?

Did Seth. You did Seth? You've done Seth? Have you done Seth? Yeah, I did Seth. Wow. She did Seth. You. She did Seth. You can help us out.

What does Seth do? Yes. Everything. Okay. That's going to be hard for us. Did he give you any help beforehand? Did he say what the show was going to be like? What did he say?

beforehand? Did he say any, like, what the show was going to be like? Or, like, what did he say? I realized maybe I could pretend this was my piano. Yes. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. And since you're pretending, you can play in all kinds of like fun Ways

Oh dude Like make it really funny Oh yeah If I talk about like the show Dream On Then you could do the Oh yes yes yes You remember that show Dream On Yeah

I could stay awake just to watch you. So your piano sings vocals. Yeah, it's a really nice piano. I know, okay. What do you want? No, that's great. That's good. No, no, let's figure it out now

because it's going to be happening the whole show. So you don't want the piano to sing vocals? No, I just want to be clear on what's happening because you were using your hands to play the piano, but then to singing. Yeah. I feel like when I look at you, even though you're talking to me,

I'm leaving Sean out. Yeah, you don't want to look over. Okay. Hi, Julie. Hi. Hi. Pretend I'm not even here.

Hey. Thank you. Tom! Yeah, hey. Oh, good. Tom's here. Hi. What's up? How you guys doing? You're... Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You are here. I am. You asked me to come here. We invited you, yes. Right, right, right. You announced I would be here. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, were you going to bring me out? We announced that you were going to be in the show yes are you gonna and just like i'm backstage and it's like and we're on such a roll yeah yeah it sort of felt like he picked a time to like i know yeah but do you remember why we wanted tom why did we you yeah you definitely asked me to come. You said it was an emergency. No, you...

Okay, you've... You've said that. Yes. Yeah. What were we... What did I want Tom for? Because I confirmed with you... In fact, I asked to do the show.

I confirmed like a thousand times. No, I know. In other words, in no way was I ever going to drop out. No, and that was... I don't remember what my intention was with asking Tom. What would we want Tom for? I vaguely remember

we were like, we were swimming and I like, I kind of like surfaced and you were like, while you were down there, I was thinking we should get Tom. Was I joking?

Well, I don't remember. I definitely laughed. Uh-huh. Sure, well, I was in a funny outfit. Well, when Hayes swims underwater, I try to put on like a costume for when he comes up. While I'm down there,

tries to do a very quick change. And you have like your rig, your special rig, where you just kind of pull a string and your outfit goes. Do you want to ask him to sit down? I'm sorry, I keep forgetting you're here. I'm here. No, Tom, yeah. You did ask me to come.

Okay, Tom. You used the word emergency. Again, thank you so much. You have said that. Yes. This is great. It's so good for us. We'll use Tom.

We can do a show with Tom. Let's introduce you. Give me a proper introduction. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I guess he hasn't written a book. Is that what we said?

Yeah, Tom... Is that appropriate? Tom is sort of this no book. He's like a bookless man. Yeah, but he has hair. Well, yeah. Tom. Julie, that's my piano

Tom you know he's here and hello Tom not enough New York City greatest city in the world Not enough. Up. New York City. Greatest city in the world.

That's right. Jeremy Lin. Linsanity. Harvard. What's up, guys? I sit there. Julie wanted me to move. She seems to have something big planned.

Hi, Tom. Hi. Thank you so much for accepting our invitation to be here. What are you doing? Well, things are going pretty good for me lately. accepting our invitation to be here. What are you doing? Well, things are going pretty good for me lately, if I do

say so myself. Are we good? Could we move on? No, no, no. Look, so many times I come on this thing and I'm failing and you guys laugh at me and it's a big hoot. But I'm on the upswing.

I got things. Thank you. Thank you. You guys get it. I have gotten into podcasting. And I started two new podcasts. One is... We gotta move on to Julian.

One is me tearing ass through the Bruce Springsteen catalog one album at a time. Wait, wait, what are you doing? Hey, you two are the boss. Okay. Yeah, it's pretty sweet. So when you say you're tearing ass through the catalog,

you mean you are listening to the song? We take on this stuff head on. You and who? Bobby Kelly. Okay. We take on this stuff. You and who? Bobby Kelly. Comedian. Or Robert. Some people call him Robert. Okay.

That's right. Thank you. You're part of that. You're a cellar dweller. Stand up, man. That's my scene. The table. The table at the comedy cellar.

The table. The table at the comedy cellar. The table. Yeah. The table. I've heard that both of you guys can give as good as you get at that table. Is that right? We do. And we tweet about Jeffrey Owens a lot. Yes. About just how this guy works at a grocery store now.

And then I'm like, shut up! I work at a grocery store sometimes! Yeah. It was a perfect opportunity to list all of my jobs that I've had. And to make sure that nobody misses that this dude is maybe hitting a rough patch. So you have another podcast. Yeah.

So you have another podcast. Yeah. It's kind of another thing people got to realize is local is where it's at. Right? This one's called New Jersey Biz. And we go and we're just like, this bus driver sucks. Man, this guy's always crabby on the bus. Are you on the bus?

And we'll just be like, you got to get on the quiet car on the train. First and last cars, quiet cars. There are podcasting cars. I got a podcasting scholarship from Amtrak. Do you know those things? Oh, where you can go cross-country. You can ride on the train. What about podcasting on the train? I asked. Sure.

And they answered you? Oh, good. Well, so... Wait, who is this one with? Who's your co-host for the New Jersey business? For that one? Yeah. Oh, that's me and Rich Voss.

We do that one together. Sam, the godfather. Straight from the table. Wow. That's his water. You know that Voss water? That's Rich Voss's water. Yes.

Okay, because I was tasting it before I even knew what the name of it was. A little gritty, right? A little gritty, a little sour. This sounds weird, but is this Rich Voss's water? A little gamey. A little gamey. You know why?

Nobody can find the game of a scene before he can. He is the gamiest motherfucker there is. We learned that at poker last week. Yeah, and remember when I laid all those cards down and we just went, pay me, assholes. And then someone was in. Everybody said that? laid all those cards down and we just went pay me assholes. Give me the pop. Everybody said that? No, I said it to everybody. All the comedians

were so mad at me. They were mad because someone was in the next room doing a bit about a rape whistle and they were like, oh, I wish I'd written that one. Well, that wasn't so much a bit as it was a weird confession. Which brings me to my next podcast.

I'm doing two. One is called My Weird Confessions. The other is called My Least Favorite Murder. Can we hear a little bit of that one? Sure. Just like a... Nicole Brown Simpson. What a shitty incident that was.

That was bad. That was a minisode. Nothing good about it. It was very sad. It was literally my least favorite murder of the year. She had parents. It was awful. It's just one episode, your least favorite murder.

How many more do you need? Yeah, no, that's great. Because it starts to feel false. Save Ron Goldman for season two. That's too much. A little too much. Too soon. A little too far.

Too soon. Yeah, I like saying too soon. Hey, how about some music? Y'all ready for some music? So I guess we should give you permission every time you want to do music. Please, yeah. Okay, I vote yes, you can do some music. Okay, great. Should we say yes? Oh, yeah, that's fine by me. Yes. Okay, I vote yes, you can do some music. Okay, great. Should we say yes?

Oh yeah, that's fine by me. Yes. Okay, great. I'll just start playing then. Yeah. I've been afraid of changing

cause I built my life around you I remember why we wanted Tom. Cheers. Why?

Why? It was... I surfaced, and you were like, we should get Tom because we need, like, a biff. Yes. You can't do a talk show without biff baby. Okay, a biff or like a ruper or like la bomba or like guillermo or chewing or ross intern r Ross friend of the show normally unfortunately

these guys are some type of like funny other yeah exactly we kind of have the like straight white guy thing covered and there's room for diversity as long as it's something you throw to once a show as a sight gag.

Yes. Okay, so I'm... And we said, Tom, we asked him if he could bring a sombrero. Yes. I don't have a sombrero on me. Okay, all right. Do you want to do an offensive accent of some kind? No, I'd rather not

What if you have a poor job? Yeah, you just work at a deli or something That's kind of funny to me Let's see Nah, I don't want to do that either You don't want to do that would you just be willing to have a name that is just like so weird like cloppy yes thank you julie yes yeah thank you okay he likes that thank you like like a horse he likes cloppy sure i'm clopping now. The dipshit.

Okay. That's a great day for this segment. Okay, so we'll say like, oh, looks like we're getting a call, a video call from Cloppy the dipshit. Oh, yeah. It's ringing. Cloppy the dipshit's calling. Should I clomp?

Should I actually... Should I be like that? That's your ringtone. Oh, yeah. Okay, cloppy the dipshit. Let's see what this fucker has to talk about. This stupid idiot. What? What's up, guys?

Oh, hey, Kloppy. I'm kind of trying to do a show here. I was in the middle of a pretty good song we all liked. Sure. Now, not to bring it to me. Yeah, no, don't. But, um... Sure Now not to bring it to me Yeah no don't But um Just thinking about you know traditional roles In a classic talk show format

If I'm a female guest And I'm not telling like a cute story Or flirting Would I be the person that's like guys Stop being mean to Kloppy Well then we would say Oh looks like Julie kind of has a thing for Kloppy. Well, then we would say, oh, looks like Julie kind of has a thing for Kloppy.

Am I sensing chemistry here? Julie's got a crush on Kloppy. Kloppy, aren't you flattered? And that is... Ooh. Because that in itself is a joke. The idea of Kloppy

experiencing love Yeah, it's hilarious. is itself a joke. Got it. Okay, got it. Okay. It's a joke. The idea of Kloppy experiencing love. Yeah, it's hilarious. Is itself a joke. Got it. Okay, got it. So we'd say like, Julie, it looks like Kloppy wants a kiss. Right, right. And you pretend to give Kloppy a kiss.

Okay, okay. Pretend. Okay. That's how these things. Well, he's on video phone anyway. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck. Well, I guess you could pretend to kiss the screen. It's just like, it's almost too insane, the idea that anyone would love Kloppy. As I was saying it. Can I make a pitch? Yeah. Please.

What if the character's name is Cloppy the Unlovable Dipshit? Yes. I mean, that works for me. Yes. It paints a clearer picture. Maybe it's that you're going to adopt Cloppy just so he doesn't die.

Okay, but I'm still attracted to him. That's a traditionally feminine role. Mother? Yes. No, I'm just calling you him. That's a traditionally feminine role. Mother? Yes. No, I'm just calling you mother. Mother? Yes, dear. So, okay, we would say, like,

Kloppy, what's something that you, like, wish for? Uh, I really... Duh. I really like these mints that they have in the bathroom in the urinal. Okay, Kloppy. Kloppy, I don't think you're supposed to eat those. What? Duh.

Never mind. Just tell me you don't put the sauce on them that comes out of the soap dispenser, too. It gives me a heartburn. Oh, Kloppy. Kloppy. You asshole. So that, but we should.

I mean, you are a female guest. Thank you. So that, but we should, I mean, you are a female guest. Thank you. So we should do some kind of like fun story. Or like a bad impression. Oh yeah. That would own. If I was like, oh, people like my Marlon Brando, and you guys were like, do it.

And I'm like, no. Come on, Julie, Julie. Come on, right? I think we all want to hear it, right, guys? Wow. Wow. Wait, do it again. Sorry, I forgot to laugh harder

than anyone has ever laughed in history. This is going to be like a really funny gif, like pretty girl makes a funny face. Oh, yeah. That could go viral. Okay, let me set it up one more time, and I'll just kind of get ready. Okay.

All right, Julie, let's see it. I don't know. Come on, Julie! Okay, I'm ready. Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Mmm! Ah. That's good. That's definitely something that people do on these shows.

Now, I heard you guys had some funny stories from set. Am I still cloppy? Yes. You knew the answer to that question, didn't you? When you asked it. So I hear cloppy. Oh, we should get to a field piece.

Cloppy do a remote? Kloppy do a remote? Yes. This segment is called Kloppy do a remote. So I heard that Kloppy got to visit the set of your big movie recently. What was the name of that movie? What was it about?

Who was in it? Who else was in it? What was it about? Who was in it? Who else was in it? Yeah, what was your role? How'd you get into character? Sure. And how does it end? Oh, and where is it set? What time period?

Yep. The answer to all of that is Pete Davidson. What was the next question? So you are, of course, you are playing Ari in the Pete Davidson movie. Yes.

Ari Grainer. Yes. Yes. Yes. In the story of Pete Davidson's life. Yes. Okay. What did Cloppy do?

Is that the question? Well, the throw is, oh, I hear, Kloppy, you had a little adventure on set. Yeah, I got to see the movie get made, and they have cameras on this movie, and you should see them. They're big, and the people do things in front of them and behind them.

Okay, this should be interesting. Let's see Kloppy's day on set. Clip or a remote? It's a remote or a clip? Oh, it's a remote. I'm sorry. Is that different stuff? I wasn't sure if you were going to cut Kloppy into the movie.

You know how sometimes they'll be like, Oh, Kloppy, I heard you were in it. Right. And it's like the hours. No, we don't have the technology for that. We only have pretending that we're doing a clip. I'm here on set and can I eat these M&Ms? No, Kloppy.

Are they for everybody? They're just for the crew, Kloppy. No. Kloppy. Are they for everybody? They're just for the crew, Kloppy. No. Kloppy, those are batteries. I eat batteries sometimes. Duh. Because I'm an unlovable dipshit. Hey, Kloppy, it's me, Pete Davidson.

What are you doing on the set? Hey, Pete, how are you? Pretty good. You seem really excited about comedy these days. I know. You're going to be such a treat on SNL this year. Hey, Kloppy, I'm in your earpiece. I have a question for Pete.

Yeah, yeah. I read that jokes come and go, but swag is forever on your titty. Yeah, yeah. What does that mean? And only Kloppy can hear me. So he asked a question, and I don't know what it was. Cloppy, I have a question for Pete Davidson, if you could get in there. Is Machine Gun Kelly nice? Sean wants to know if Machine Gun Kelly's nice.

Oh, yeah, man.. Oh, yeah, man. He said, yeah, man. Oh, that's so good to hear. That he's nice. Well, Cloppy, thanks so much for visiting set. Hey, on the way out, can I get something from Crafty? Cloppy. Okay, good. Welcome back to the studio, everyone.

Do-do-do-do-do. We want to introduce back to the studio, everyone. We want to introduce a really talented new stand-up. This is his first time appearing on the show. And he's really funny. He does a lot of very current stuff. Please welcome

Sean Clements. So I'm dating again, that's new It's crazy out there You guys go on dates? It's insane, you know You eat dinner? It's crazy, It's totally crazy. I saw a movie last week. Any of you guys do these? Literally, you get a ticket if you haven't done it.

You just sit and watch the movie with strangers. No, you do both of them. That's a date. You gotta try that. The economy's gotta change. It has to. It must. We can't. We can't. it has to it must we can't

we can't and I know I'm here to tell jokes and that's fine and that you know that's important but we have to change the economy thanks thanks that's not why I say it, but that's nice. I mean, some people get it.

No, yeah. Smart cars. Are we sure? Right? No, they don't. Yeah. If they're so smart, how come I gotta drive it? She's like, smart cars,

depending on who's behind the wheel. Now, Sean. Hey, you gotta get ready to, if you ask him to sit down, that's like a whole thing. No, I know. I'm thinking about it. Okay. He's so close.

Now that's new. Anybody in here dating your dad? It's weird. It's weird. Yeah. Eat dinner with him? It's weird. It's weird. Yeah. Eat dinner with him. It's insane. And he's almost there.

He's so close. So this is... It's tough when you get grounded. You gotta cancel a date with your dad. He's the one that grounded you. How does that work? How does that work? How does that work? Dating my dad.

Are we sure? Anyway, that's my time. Call him. Give him the wave. Give him the wave. I don't know. Give him the wave. Give him the wave. I don't know. Give him the wave.

Give him the wave. Come on. Oh, come on over here. Hey, that was really funny stuff. You're really funny. Thanks. Yeah, I mean, you know, a lot of it was funny, but honestly, the economy has to change. No, I know That was really important that you said that

Yeah yeah yeah I'm fucking pissed off about it It's really gotta change or else I'm gonna fucking kill somebody Or do something crazy I'm gonna go completely insane I just am so curious I know these guys had some questions about your Stuff about movies.

Yeah. Okay. What's up? Am I Kloppy or me? Oh, yeah. No, you're Kloppy. You don't know what a movie is. And you were just on the set of one.

I got a feeling I know what Kloppy's question is. Can I eat the movie? No, Kloppy. That was good because he was listening backstage. Yes. He was listening backstage. Yes. He was watching on the monitor. Yeah, he's referencing. I'm a fan of the show.

Oh, thank you. I love Kloppy. It's really cool. Yes, you're welcome. No, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Julie, do you have any questions for...

Do you have any dates to plug? Oh, yeah. I'm going to be in Alaska for the rest of my life. You know. Go up there. It won't be that long. Oh. Yeah.

You're going to Alaska to die. Yeah. I've heard that animals kind of have that instinct. Well, around this time of year is when the grizzly man died yeah yes and to honor him I will do the same

yeah I was friends with his girlfriend oh really yeah she always had bad taste in guys okay

cloppy no enough of cloppy I'm sick of fucking doing cloppy I'm not fucking doing cloppy anymore um thank you okay this it's Tom now I just want to say Kloppy. I'm sick of fucking doing Kloppy. I'm not fucking doing Kloppy anymore. Thank you.

Okay. It's Tom now. I just want to say that was the most I've seen you score on this show. Kloppy is huge. They love Kloppy. Do you want to know?

Do you want to just leave here as Kloppy? No, I don't. You know what? You know how I haven't scored when it comes to being on this show? Money. Okay. We're here to negotiate a fee. And we...

Sorry to... We're not trying to bum rush your show. Okay, because we're doing a funny talk show here. This doesn't feel like the we talked about that we said about this before and like the ethics of like even though we love it is it okay that we want to get paid and you know i took a job at peace magazine writing for it for about seven or eight months and you know i think that yeah that's great julie i just want to say yeah congratulations thanks so we That's exactly what you should be doing right now. We're sick of this shit.

Yeah, we want to get paid. You guys haven't... Kevin, bring that bag out. Yeah. This is what we decided to do. We got to get paid. We know you guys got merch and you guys get so much of the merch

We don't get a fucking nickel of that money We Made our own merch We're literally selling We will be selling this Right now Not after the show These are Chef Kevin aprons

They are authentic Let me see Chef Kevin appearsons. They are authentic. Let me see. Chef Kevin appears to be written in whiteout. Yes. But I put nail polish down first so the whiteout would show. Who? Do I hear $10?

Okay, how about $20? $20. Who would pay $20? Okay, $40. Who would do 40? If you pay 40, they will be signed by Hayes and Schubert. Yes. Wait.

Yes. Did Chef Kevin get any money from this? No. That's the same arrangement we have with the other apron, so that's great. Well, did we learn something backstage, too? Yeah, that he got flown. That he got flown out here. Chef Kevin, maybe you should come out here and explain something.

And it's good that he'd be out here because in addition to this merch, which we will be selling in the lobby in front of your merch table, we are also offering for $ the ladies are smart the hollywood handbook vip package where you get a picture with hayes and sean and chef kevin does like a message to your like aunt or whatever on your phone like hey happy birthday grandma hey happy birthday chef kevin yeah, happy birthday, Chef Kevin. Yeah, that's $100. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Do I hear 20?

This is a white t-shirt, and it has what up, what up written in Kool-Aid. Nail polish. You better pay for these things, too. I'm telling you. Julie has confused nail polish and Kool-Aid, which explains a lot. Hamburger sandwich. Hamburger sandwich.

Okay. Which one's that? We should have done that. Hamburger sandwich. That would have been a big one. And now it's too late. That's a $60 shirt. This guy will pay $60 right there for it.

Okay, this is fine. You can do this. That's okay. Oh, we are doing it. Oh, great. Great. I'm glad you are. I'm glad you are because now we are going to be reimbursed for the exposure.

This is great exposure for you guys. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. That's not how it works. No, you've been on the show. How many times? Forty five. Yes. Okay. And so forty five episodes worth of exposure is actually priceless. Yes.

So wait, I have to pay you guys. You'll be more money than there has ever been in the world. How much an episode? Billion bucks. A billion bucks. I have one more. Out of deference, you can have the first bid.

It's a shirt that says Bosch the dog, and it looks like it has a piece of grass on it. And definitely a large hair. 30? 40? 40? You didn't even let Sean bid. You said he'd have the first bid.

Sean, you have the first bid. One more full episode of Exposure. That's such a good deal. That's such a good deal. That's such a good deal. Kevin, go around and get our money. 40, 60, 30,

30. Kevin, seriously. And you get $10 of it. You get $10. Kevin, how much was your round-trip flight? Hey, guys, Chef Kevin here. Well, I came straight from Chicago,

so I only had to do one way from... Who cares? It's so boring. Wait, whoa, whoa. Kevin, did you just stop telling a story? I could feel like you guys getting bored faster than normal.

Hey, wasn't there a really long story you were going to tell out here? Which one? Oh, uh... Just like a repeated conversation you had? Yeah, about how I drove

with Sean. No, it wasn't that. It was like a blow-by-blow about someone you talked to outside the theater on the way in or something. Is that right? I only heard a second of it. Oh, they asked you to get stoned? I heard that one. You talked about it in the green room, and then you were like, I gotta tell you this story. Oh, I should tell it on stage.

Oh, yeah. And then you confirmed with someone else. Oh, yeah. Sorry then you confirmed with someone else. Oh, yeah, you're sorry. Okay, so when the first show... You... I have to play Kloppy? This guy? I can't just be me?

This guy is cloppy. But look what it's done for Kevin, Tom. You don't want a piece of this? All he has to do is say his fucking name and people clap. So, before this show started, someone that works here came up to me and was like, there's a line down the street.

What is this? So, Tom, you could be learning from this. So maybe try just like. Sure. Like a storytelling of this quality. Yeah. Sort of a Birbiglia style tale. Yeah.

Really is. Yes. Torn from the notebook. Yes. So keep going the notebook. Yes. So keep going, Kevin, and you kind of pick up stuff. And I said, it's for a podcast. And he said, what's that? And I was like, oh, it's like a recorded show, like a radio show.

He wasn't impressed with it. I get it. And he was like, he asked what the show was. And I said, Hollywood Handbook. He said, what's that? And I said, well, it's a podcast. and these these two guys interview people it's like a really funny bit and he went no can't do that you can't do a bit because then people don't get it and i was like can't do a bit, because then people don't get it.

And I was like, yeah, I get it. I have to go. Okay, so I have two questions. Is this really a story? Yeah. And how much could have been skipped? These are just questions for myself that I'll be up all night thinking about.

So, Tom, you know. Yeah? Like, what would something like, you could try to do something like that. Yeah, give us. Bring that kind of. As me or as Kloppy? Well, it's up to you, but I think the obvious answer is. As you, but like borrowing

from Chef Kevin. Uh-huh. So do you want me to do that? I don't think he understands the question. Hey. Okay. Julie, do you want to show Tom? No, he's doing it So I was at the outside the theater

and there was a guy who was just like, hey, there's a line all the way up the block and I went outside and somebody was like hey, what is that line and i was like it's a podcast and he's like what's a podcast and then he's like what's the show i'm like hollywood handbook and he's like what's that okay but that's kevin's story yeah You just stole Kevin's entire story

Okay, so So look, I was outside the theater, guys Right? He's gonna do the same story but in his own voice Yeah, no Meanwhile, the people that Bid on our shirts are leaving with the shirts Yes, go get the money, seriously

Kevin, go get the money Fucking get the money from these people Kevin, go get the money. Fucking get the money from these people. Kevin, you gotta get the money. Use the stairs, Kevin. Use the stairs. Wow. Kevin just started to walk off the stage. So look, I'm at the store.

My crew from the store, we roll out in front of the theater. We're going to see this. Wait, sorry. Kevin is just standing there. Kevin has fallen into some kind of mind trap.

He is standing directly in front of, of course, it would have to be a woman. What's happening down there? I was going to ask for the money, but I was waiting for Tom. Do it silently. Yes. Can I have a shirt?

Do you even know? Yes. Oh, she does. Okay. How much did you bid? They remember. Do you have an ATM around here? Uh-huh.

Boo. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Boo. I think there's one in the line. I think there's one out by the bar. There's one at the bar. All right, see you soon. Who else bought a shirt?

Well, everyone knows they can do that now. Who else bought a shirt? Hi. Can I have the money, please? He gave me five. He owes me 15. Okay, what do you think? Should he be doing crowd work?

I guess when you sort of get to somebody, it would help to do just one piece of crowd work. Yeah. So, where are you from? Philly. Where? Philadelphia.

Okay. That? Philadelphia. Okay. That's cool. Can I have the money, please? Okay. I'll come back. How much money did he give you? It's just sitting right out there. Oh, you must be at the bell house

because you like that big bell. It's right there. Hey, give him your glasses as a down payment for the money. Take his glasses. Take them right off his fucking face. That's right. Kevin, give Tom the glasses.

Don't wear them. Who else owes Kevin money? Raise your hand. If you see Kevin near you and you know you owe money, just please wave Kevin down because he's wandering around with another person's glasses.

Kevin, don't give him... Sorry, do not take those glasses back. We established at the first show, Kevin is having very severe face problems today. Yes. What's going on with his face? You're bringing a rash back to Philly that's going to just run through down Center City.

I worry. I can see the map on the news now. I can see the map on the news now. Kevin tried to shave today for the first time with what? Like a new kind of razor? Harry's razors? It was just an A razor. I normally don't use a razor.

What? I normally use an electric shaver, and then I used a razor, and it hurt a lot. And my face is different. It is different. I may, you know, better, worse, who's to say? But it's got a lot of problems.

When you do crowd work this next time, please don't ask him where he's from. Call him Num Nuts. Say, where are you from, Num Nuts? That's how you do crowd work. So you got an orange shirt, Num Nuts? Yeah. Okay, Kevin, he sounds pretty bad. I would try to walk this back if you can.

Let's just try and undo as much damage as possible. But let's just say, give me the money, jerky. Well, you know what? I love orange shirts, and give me the money, jerky. Do you have a square? What? I'm with Kevin. No, but I have a wallet Okay

Hey Hey Okay that was a little far That was a little too far Can I bring it back to the thing? Oh sure Yes we found it We found our segment

So you don't have cash? jaywalking. Yes, we've found it. We're jaywalking. We've found our segment. So, do you have, you don't have cash? Yeah. Was that, yeah, he does, or? Hang on, I want to see where this goes. Is there another article of clothing he's wearing that you could tell him he's wearing?

Okay, gray shorts and shoes. You on Venmo, gray? I just want, for people at home, something that Kevin does is he speaks into the mic and then he fully relaxes his arm and his side. I just want, for people at home, something that Kevin does is he speaks into the mic, and then he fully relaxes his arm and his side in just sheer weakness.

He just... It creates a nice tension. Yeah, yeah, Venmo. Move on, move on, Kevin. Move on, yeah. Someone over there has a shirt, Kevin, right there. Oh, no, it's Jansen. He has a Chef Kevin shirt.

It is? Hey, cute Chef Kevin shirt. Weirdo. Thank you. Give me the money. They don't have my bank here. Kevin, ask him what his name is. Hey, what's your name?

It's Chanson from the Thorns. Okay. Wait, Kevin. Go. My condolences. My condolences. My condolences. Now that's crowd work. Okay, Kevin, come back up here.

Who else? Wait, is there more? Is there more shirts? There's got to be one more. We'll do one more and then Tom and I have it. He's tired. You can tell he's getting tired. Over there?

Oh, someone wants to be involved over here. Do you have the money? Walk slower, Kevin. Yeah. Where are you? Hi. Wait, wait wait wait I just heard Kevin walk over there and then I heard someone say oh god what what did you do what did you do Kevin I can't see anything we made eye contact made eye contact.

Okay. Okay. You don't have to hold the mic. I just said, hey, Kev. Hey, do you have a shirt? I just have the Bosch shirt that I bought. Medium Bosch. Did you hear the part where we were collecting Julie's shirt money?

No. That's okay. Okay. Okay, well, good catching up. We have an idea. Yeah. That'll really cut this short. If you bid money for one of the shirts or aprons, we ask you to go online and give to a charity the amount of money that you bid

for the shirt or the apron, and on your word you will do that, okay? And with that, Tom... Because it would be nice if there was some charitable element associated with Hollywood Handbook at some point. It's a legendarily uncharitable

show. The only charity you can't give to is the Doughboys Patreon. Charity that makes the world a better, kinder place. Yeah, that's what we're about here. And really, that's always been the mission of the show.

Thank you so much for revealing the idea me and Hayes had before the whole thing, even. It's just how we are. Is there going to be a band for the last talk show? Oh, for the end? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There will be. Take it away, Kev. Is there a birthday in the house? Okay, never mind.

What was it? It was called the Hollywood... Do the office theme. Do, do. What? Come on. That's not how it goes at all. Stand up there and do the office thing Do

Do do Do do do do do Do do do do do do Do Do do do do do Can I hear it for New York? Yeah Do do do do do do Thank you Can I hear it for New York? Yeah. Thank you.

Should old acquaintance be forgot And never brought to mind May old acquaintance be forgot All the wait and speak for God And all the waiting time For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Thank you for coming to our show. Thank you, New York.

Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Julie. Thank you, Kevin. Good night.