Hollywood Handbook - Tom Book: The Movie (with Tom Scharpling)

Episode Date: July 6, 2021

The Boys talk to TOM SCHARPLING about adapting his new book It Never Ends into a big new movie.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast oh so tired so sorry are you sleepy as well i've been um i've been packing all day i'm going on a big trip. I'll show you the bag. This is all my luggage for the trip. That's all your luggage? This is my whole luggage for the whole trip. So for people who are just listening, what Hayes is holding up is a bag with $19 in ones and what appears to be almost a roll

and a half of quarters. There's some copper in there. They're loose as hell. And there's, yeah, there's some pennies as well. Or if they are even pennies, they may just be copper slugs. Because you know where my trip is that I'm going to. The next level. That's right, people.

One way ticket. We are taking it to the moon. We are entrepreneurs. Yeah. Hayes is basically that this bag of money represents his entire crypto purchasing fund. Yes. We are going to the moon my friends we're buying orchid we're buying bond we are buying every avo i mean yes my new one yes thanksgiving coin thanksgiving coin is the new crypto asset that is a must have it is like all other kinds of crypto but it smells bad yes that that is one of the ones that i really

love and when you if you buy enough of it your whole computer smells bad and later your whole office and house like if you're getting really rich um i'm doing garbage coin it is just it is you buy it and then you actually put it straight into the trash on your um computer screen and then you drag it over to the trash drag it in the trash and delete it and it leaves a virus which is like sick because i get to see all these porno windows that i never would have searched for and they just open themselves infinitely uh and it's better than what i would have been doing which is probably work it's stuff you can't find in those windows it's not like you're able to like search for that stuff for that stuff. I don't have the creativity. My mind wouldn't allow me to search those terms. And it was behind your regular browser the whole time.

So when you click out of it and your boss is there, they can see that someone has been inside your computer secretly behind the window the the whole entire time they were watching you and they were recording you and now they have your information and they have your master email list and can send it to everyone you know at any time and the way to make the video stop is just simply to type thanks hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the right in the hallway this industry we call showbiz big what up what up and it's a big

hollywood day for us we got big good friend and what a big announcement he's got and go ahead because it's time for the show tom and i hear tom there's one of these guys who is tom nook and this is from this baby yes game but now i'm hearing there's also tom book yeah yeah yeah hey everybody it's tom sharpling here back third boy and back in the hot seat and it's been a little while they've been some submissions for third boy so people think matt apodaca should be the third boy that has been floated out there by the deer wolf reddit well like like like uh like modest like Modest Mouse said, right? Float on with that one. Float on. That's what I say.

Hey, buddy, whenever some big guy trying to bully me, hey, buddy, why don't you float on? Why don't you be like Modest Mouse and float on? Float on, pal. I think until I come down to see you all day. Well, he drove off sometime live okay yeah too much what did i say i think my third boy status is pretty much uh pretty much a lock at this point well you just left it off okay ah ocean breathe salty young gang yeah love it tom mules tom book tom book yeah talk a book about

the book you want to see tom how excited i am i do i made all this space oh my goodness look at that you are ready for that's how many copies he's gonna need you can see i have two completely empty bookshelves behind me and this entire room is empty in case for in case there's another book yes let's start loading it up let's start loading it up i've been ordering it i've been ordering it off of siri and you'll see my entire space is empty as well and i've been doing just if you recall when uh blake shelton went on uh jimmy fallon program and played the lumineers song dressed as a chicken and it sounded you know what i mean yeah it's tom's theme right and that's what i've been doing i've been getting i good hey siri book and and hopefully they'll all show up on time and when i say book they know what i mean tom's book yeah talk about your book a little book well the thing about this book is it's uh

it's kind of not like any other book it's uh you might think you know books i thought i did but with this book i'm so prepared to just look you in the face and just say you don't know jack about books first of all this one doesn't say book on it uh-uh on the front nope no and that's the kind of... I just assume people can kind of roll with it. It's 2021. Yeah. Yeah. It's a book.

One of those say it without saying it things. It is one of those say it without saying it. Tell me you're a book without telling me you're a book. Yes. Drop the information off and let the audience pick it up. Yes. Drop the book. Just let the audience pick it up. Yes. Drop the book. Just Tom.

It's cleaner. I know this book. I did the writing on this book, but it really is ultimately. Tom did the writing on this book. It's a conversation. This book was a conversation between me and the reader. It was a free-flowing conversation that occasionally touched on mature subjects. Yes, and it was brought to you by Subway.

Eat fresh. Mm-hmm. The fresh line. I love... Kedrick Perkins. Kedrick Perkins. The top five. Top five all time.

Gotta be top five power forwards. I loved seeing that you did this book and I love to watch my friends succeed it's as I always say it's not a zero sum game it's a sum sum game and we're all getting some sum out of this and you wrote the book and congratulations to you and that's huge and it's really big news for Tom

and it's maybe really big news for Tom. And it's maybe even bigger news for us. For Hayes. For Hayes. Yeah. How, how is that? For Sean too. And for Sean,

thank you for mentioning that. Just, I mean, it's a huge opportunity. I mean, you know, it was a big tent for quadrant, like the potential here, back end here back end etc to be writing and

directing like for us like a feature film you know but wait no i don't um but it's movie it's my book movie make a movie no it's a it's not a movie it's it's your it's your book yes it's our movie my movie but it's our movie i'm so lost right now what do you how is my book your movie do you see how i have no possessions in here anymore we recently did a pro version episode with a a a one mr manzoukas where some of my possessions i like showed on camera in that episode that raised the value of them significantly yes i was able to uh sell off everything I own that I showed in that episode. Along with an authenticated USB port stick that allows people to watch Mr. Mantzoukas comment on the possessions. Yes.

So the people know that it is of extreme value. That made me sufficiently liquid uh actually soaking wet enough to uh purchase book movie well i mean the book isn't that expensive i mean it's a 20 something dollars for the book i don't know why you'd have to sell all your stuff to just get you have to yeah sean can explain sean knows the kind of like the how the ip yeah we didn't which one of you cats we didn't which one of you cats didn't know what an overall deal was which one it was a holding deal and that was a previous uh host of the show who is no longer uh he's been slain yeah and risen in his place is the man you see before you so much the stronger for his journey i so do you ever think about this? At one time there is a ship.

Yes, the ship is sailing along. I love when he talks about this. Okay. And one of the pieces fell off. And they say, oh, time to put in new pieces. New ship piece, please. Okay. Now this other piece, it fell off. And we put in new pieces in for this now as well.

Okay. Now two pieces. And now suddenly every different pieces of it'd fall off. We put new pieces in for this now as well. Okay, now two pieces. And now suddenly every different pieces of the ship falls off. All the pieces. And it's been replaced with these different pieces. Now it's the new ones. Okay. Is this the same ships? Ah.

Or is this... Has this simply become a new ship? Tom? This is like me except with a lot of my skin is falling off uh at different uh time of day i wake up and so much the bed is basically skin central that's just a pile of skin and so a lot of skin and i'll say also that parts of my face and parts of my arm are in the bed or under the bed and we just clean them up and lo and behold now new skin arm face am i the same man i was so i've become basically two or three different guys since that holding deal and the time it takes yes you know every seven months every cell in your body has been completely

replaced with a new shit piece sure sure no it's so so so what you're saying this is why your taste changes tom have you ever noticed you'll be like oh i love peanut sauce and i can't get enough of it and then seven months later you go this makes me sick the sight of peanut sauce makes me want to vomit but i can't stop drinking vinegar you take out your snifter for the night and you you have it filled up with peanut sauce and like you smell it and i don't want to drink this entire thing anymore who am i this man whose entire identity was mr snifter of peanut sauce and now i've become just the vinegar guy or um all right now all i do is yeah how what does this have to do with you and sean was going to i was just getting right and sean is sort of mr ip have you gotten any

calls recently uh from representatives saying that a big powerful company has purchased the film rights to your book um no i have not oh okay well you you may want to check your phone it should be coming through soon I mean I get a fair amount of spam risk that's us our production company is called spam risk and we are and by the way

we're as prevalent as spam we're as prevalent as spam we're as resilient we're as universal adaptable we're as delicious and we are going to take over this industry and project one for spamrous productions is tom book whatever this book the book is also it's not called tom book it's not called tom book i've noticed this yeah i've noticed this that was frustrating yeah and i don't know how far in how deep in you are in terms of the name if you could call it tom book it would can i just say what so what is the name of this book it's called it never ends you can see why this from a movie perspective is not we can't say we cannot have it say that so you that's very that will make

people really not want to come in first of all we'll get our freaking bloomer suit off absolutely we'll get sued into the freaking stone age by, and rightly so, by people who said, oh, I thought this was the last movie ticket I ever have to buy because it never ends. And some people actually saying, well, I'm not even going to buy a ticket because I have a doctor's appointment next month. So we end up having to furiously be making new movie before it ends. Right. And people are like are like it's diminishing returns yes the first movie will be so good but are we going to be able to get all of those actors back

or even the same camera i'm this is very frustrating already this is just i don't like where this is going already well it is always a little painful to adjust when you get a creative note that kind of rocks you to your core and makes you look at some of the decisions you made that could have been handled better but tom book is a project i care about so much i care about it enough to upset you with the note. Tom book, the movie. So you'd rather a movie not be called.

It never ends. You'd rather a movie have the word book in the title. That's a better, that's a, Oh my gosh. Look, I know it has it all. And coming soon.

If you're up to it tom book two i don't i'm so flummoxed right now by all of this tom book i'm just so goddamn flummoxed i don't know i thought i was coming on to talk about my book and now you're saying something we've said we said tom book constantly and actually the flummox is like a sort of the lorax type character who we're thinking about incorporating into the book well it's okay it's for the part where we go where we go yeah where we go inside out you know and get and see all your different emotions and there's a flummox character like an internal great gazoo but who's like bigger than the inside out you know and get and see all your different emotions and there's a what a flummox character like an internal great gazoo but who's like bigger than the inside out people is actually like taking up a lot of space in there and kind of like when he moves around it's uncomfortable

for and he's hot he's got like a really good body yeah tom book what uh i do want you to talk about this a little bit talk about please tell me what you think it is talk about good talk about your book a little book wait who who do you want you want me to talk about what i think my own book absolutely that's gonna you just said you want to do this yeah it's a book about my life and it's got funny stories in it and it's it's won't be the yeah that okay well i am saying i think there's funny stories in it i don't know what the brain trust over at spam risk productions might think i can only speak for myself with this i wrote a book and it's it's got funny stories and i'm happy with it and apparently now and you hope everyone see the movie apparently now it's well i didn't sign anything

you don't have rights to my to my book we do there's a publishing company and there's you know there there are other obviously entities involved big corporate entities and this you know money talks in this town and that's what makes it move around and it's going to be good for everybody especially deadpool wait what how is it's not a superhero book i know i know i know it's a yes it's sort of an anti super anti-hero is this not the traditional hero for this guy yeah wait a minute this guy's saving the day this is who you know the fate of the world is in his i don't know if i trust him but isn't that sort of the tension that you want to create it's gonna be a little while before deadpool 3 gets off the ground but i think we're gonna miss him in between now and then this book um addresses mental health mental illness and i think about like okay who is

both mental and extremely ill oh it's my friend deadpool so deadpool is going to be more prevalent in the film of course it's not too late maybe to have a forward by deadpool at the beginning of the book where he says like take it from this douche nozzle like yeah uh it's pretty badass to you know kick francis in the butt he talks about the reader he's like hey i can see it i'm inside the book i can see up your nose uh and oh like oh you're putting me like right next to your junk oh i love oh holding me against your junk sick oh don't pick me up that high now i'm closer to the freaking bats in the cave and the reader is gonna we're gonna have them on a string when they think that deadpool is really in the book that he says that he's close to a drunk they're gonna be like they're gonna lift

oh they're right up book all over and then we're not that high dumbass yeah so you're actually you actually want to go back and change the it's not it's bad enough that you're talking about some movie tom book the movie not some movie tom book the movie well tom book the movie you want to go back and put a forward by deadpool in the book that exists already i think it'll justify how much screen time he's getting uh which has been a you know a conversation we've been having and everybody you know these it's the notes process we're kicking around we've got a script we love but i want to love it you have a script already yeah uh we've got a script well i mean if you want to get a star attached you know

you you do have to send out a script i mean pete Pete Holmes isn't going to sign on for just some random... No. Well, we want someone to play you. Like you said, the stories are pretty funny. So who's funny? Who's a comic, right? I don't want Pete playing me. Well, you may get your wish,

because the script as it stands has very little deadpool and he's had already some input he did say and this i think is smart but if you want to talk about this i guess there's this whole part of the book where you're starting like a radio show thing yes well that's what happened in my life so yeah that is a part of the book why is great great but for a radio show like i don't know if we want to, that is a part of the book. Why is that? Great, great. But for a radio show, like I don't know if we want to do that in a movie, but Pete was saying maybe instead of a radio show, you could be hammering some nympho chick.

No, no. It didn't happen. It's not in the book. It's not going to be in. It's not in Tom book and it won't be in Tom book the movie. And it's not in Tom book and it won't be in Tom book, the movie.

There was no nimfo chick anywhere in any of this. I don't. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I can get one of them to read the book either. So it's, it already was like just a, just something we wanted to float out there. So Pete is attached to this already.

He's circling it, but there's, you know, uh, a lot of, uh, pretty girls at the ball that Pete could take home. And,

um, we just fingers crossed that we kind of get, get the nod at the end of the night. So I'm looking at this and this is like, sometimes I'm reading it. Like I'm, I'm trying to figure out out like i see the movie in my head right and sometimes it's like so clear i'm like sitting here watching a movie my popcorn

yeah i i feel that way too i remember we were watching the movie together when we were yes driving the other day yes reading the book while we were driving yes and but it was like watching a movie in my popcorn on what on what your phone reading a book and uh eating popcorn and driving driving and eating popcorn yeah and smoking and other times i'm like what is actually happening here like uh you're you know it's like your first book so like the visual storytelling element is maybe not like 100 crafted yet but i was having trouble there were there weren't a lot of updates on like your basically nudity level yeah at different points in the book it's not it's not mentioned and we actually because obviously for pete to sign on

i think we can get him to do full frontal but for him to go full backle we're gonna we're gonna need to really justify it in the storytelling and so if you could even just go into the margins of some copies of your book and write that you had your ass cheeks out no i'm not gonna go and put nude scenes into the book so that pete holmes he wants to do nude scenes he wants to do full frontal full backle is more of a conversation and i guess he that's more of a conversation than full frontal for him with pete yeah so it's just anywhere you just write i'm nude just this it's like a scene whatever you're with your dad you're at the doctor or something you say like and my butt cheeks were out so how again do you have the rights to this how did i didn't sign a goddamn thing about this to get to grant you any control over this well have you signed anything in the

past few weeks did you make anything at all book for example yes i've signed i've signed a bunch of books yeah look at the contract but it's some of those books were contracts yeah that's fine we we didn't we put our we you know it's the contract for us to have the rights of the movie so we put it inside the book binding. All right. Because we thought that was kind of a cute, funny way to. There was one weird book that I signed. One that just didn't seem right.

Sure. I thought it was defective. Title changed. Yeah. Yeah. So that was a contract. Yeah. It was a contract.

It was a contract. That doesn't make you guys feel sleazy at all? Doesn't make you feel underhanded? That's the way you do business? Hmm. I guess being sleazy makes me feel good. Yeah. I guess I'm kind of like Deadpool in that I love to be a little messed up and sleazy.

Yeah, then I'm so bad it's good. Andpool was of course in the contract as well uh deadpool was talking about how the pen was hurting him when you were signing it yeah because it's very weird that you didn't notice that um and he said that the date was 69 69 uh he said nice signature douche rod and uh you know he you know he said some other cool stuff this is all coming back when i opened that one book to sign the in i noticed it did say something about taco tuesday in it and then i went and i was like where'd that go and it was gone already yeah he had moved on with it and he had probably brought it over to the Chimichangas as well

yeah Chimichangas well I don't like the sound of any of this guys well you know yeah Francis was not a fan of Deadpool either and we see where that got him so i i'd say it may be time to get on board hollywood be a better you in 2024 with babble the science-backed

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They're the scourge of our modern life. And you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged. you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged i know that i was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses yeah before i found out how much it was costing yes that they intended to send me by the way you'll this will shock you 54 dresses if i did not cancel and i you know oh that one's got an end point by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a

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when i was a kid right which is why we're making it better for tom book the movie but what i'm wondering from you is can you start an account or get a kid to start an account just for some sort of marketing purposes and get a couple million followers and then kind of find like a funny way to present some of these stories that are like a little dark uh over like a um like an olivia rodrigo song or something yeah and like again it's like your first book and stuff and this stuff will be figured out in future books but like people don't want to see a kid who like his hobby is like catching pennies in his mouth when they fall off the boardwalk or whatever when with you like this kind of stuff you did when you were growing up that's a misrepresentation of so much of but it's the kind of thing it's the sort of thing that you're into that maybe is

interesting but it's not good for a movie so then what would be good for a movie then um well i mean as good a time as any i guess to talk about the doo-doo in your pants scene which is not in that did not happen and please okay tell me about the doo-doo in my pants scene in well what we're getting from from pete of course won't play the child version of you. He'll play the teenage version of you because he does look young. But we are going to get an actual child for this. You sure you don't want to get Pete oversized bonnet, huge lollipop, maybe?

You don't want to just go all the way with it? Just have him play a kid licking a giant lollipop but he'll say it's a small lollipop because he's a little kid this lollipop is so big because i'm little this is the kind of collaboration i was hoping we'd be doing on this yes actually that is a workaround that i think saves us some casting problems. The lollipop is funny. How does that get us to the doo-doo inside your pants?

Which the scene from the studio and everyone we're hearing, the scene's just too short. Right now it's only about half the movie. Half the movie. Well, look, this is going pain me you being grumpy something does he enter a chili eating contest oh it's kind of nasty it's kind of gross that's kind of making me throw up yeah it's not a gross movie it's kind of baby it's just kind of like it's just kind of like a sick idea that's gross let's move let's move away from let's move away from the chilling

area because it's kind of grossing me out to think about now do you want to just talk about the name obviously tom doesn't really work for us what do you think about just first reaction donald trump donald trump trump spell it t-r-o-m-m-p donald trump trump trump instead of tom yeah which we've already got one of those tom everett scott and he's you know holding up in hollywood very well thank you we actually already we kind of did that already we don't want to confuse the audience but what do you think about you you're replayed by p holmes through your entire life all ages he could pull it off instead of doing radio show you're hammering some nympho

you're full frontally and full backle if we can justify it and you're donald trump so and deadpool's deadpool's there all deadpool's there yeah deadpool's there i don't like it he's pointing at the crap he's saying like, oh, this date, this one's not going to work out. Like that. He's like talking. He's talking to the people at the theater. Inside the movie. He goes like, hey, buddy, you should have sprung for the large soda.

She's thinking you're a cheapskate. Pointing at the, you know, hopefully somebody's sitting there. He can't actually. Okay, this guy didn't wash his hands in the bathroom and right into the popcorn it goes that kind of thing i don't i don't like where any of this is going junior men's they when you buy them that's what he's a senior grandpa yeah yeah old guy eating candy you want to talk cars i mean you feel like you're bummed you want to talk about cars we want to sex them up obviously yeah uh you don't mention the cars that you're driving in the book much if at all uh there's no suicide doors on the lambo um there's no sick ass Ferrari. You know, there's no there's not even a Bugatti as I'm looking back and just even flipping through the pages.

I'm not seeing that. And I'm going like, well, why would I watch this? Right. Yeah, there's no cars in the book. That's it's not a book about cars especially high-end cars i was a child i didn't have access to bugattis and lambos okay and this is the kind of thing where like the kind of stuff that doesn't sell yeah of like you going to the boardwalk and like eating pennies or whatever you're scooping yeah

tide pool selling your like gross tide pool crawdads on the boardwalk comparing fangs with a water moccasin or that moment in my life where i would just scoop those crawdads out of the tide pool and sell them on the boardwalk yeah and people are passing by like what is this with this boy and yeah crawdads what they want to see is a little kid that drives very high-end cars yeah and that kind of you even said hi to kevin this whole time by the way yeah that's something i was curious about kevin's been here taking notes for the for the studio meeting hi kevin hey tom great to see you it's it's great to see you too are you a part of all of this i am i i'm uh the scribe kevin what was you a part of all of this? I am. I'm a, the scribe.

Kevin, what was your favorite part of the book? Mine was when Deadpool or, and Pete Holmes will spike the camera and go, can we please normalize being shy? Well, that actually wouldn't be a bad scene to be honest. I don't mind that.

I don't love it, honest i don't mind that i don't love it but i don't mind it they say it's actually selfish to like ask people how they're doing you actually don't have a right to my internal experience and if i volunteer it that's my choice yeah sure no normal i apologize and that bill says my toxic trait is actually doing nice things for other people what you are supposed to do is be a complete piece of shit to everyone you've ever met uh because that it is actually very toxic to do a niceness. Yeah. No, it's true. And it's called self-care.

Yep. Can we normalize being shy? Talk to me. What's happening for you, Tom? Because you really seem to have shut down, and I so want this to be a collaboration. I was so excited for us to talk. Well, just think about it from my

perspective i came on the show favorite podcast i came on for and for anyone who's just listening by the way tom is from what i can see not at all nude tom of course not going to tell you himself no i'm not i'm fully clothed i come on to talk about my book i've been on the show how many times have i been on the show 15 times at this point no it's sort of one big time yeah it's all kind of similar to me there's just one episode with tom and it continues always we're just sure it never ends you could say right you could say but i come on thank you for the laugh on that kevin i come on kevin laugh harder than that please can i just turn it up and do a big do a much bigger one well i feel sick again yeah i did not enjoy that i come on to talk about the book and then i get

completely side swipe and i didn't get completely nude i'm i come on to talk about the book and now i find that you guys have you set up a some shell corporation called spam risk productions you got me to sign a weird copy of the book that was actually a contract you own the rights to the book now and you've turned my book into a vehicle literally and figuratively pete holmes is going to play me at all ages deadpool's in it and there's going to be what seems like massive amounts of full frontal and backhole nudity throughout the book and it seems like it seems like it's about uh high-end sports cars now part of part of it will be but yeah this is the thing like you're you're sort of saying you're

saying all the facts of a movie that sound really good as if they're bad which anyone can do that i can do that what's a movie you like tom uh movie i like uh et the extraterrestrial yeah so you're talking about this movie where this weird gross alien is like trying to eat candy and like touching kids you know what i mean like that's pretty just yeah yeah pretty easy pretty easy to be a critic yeah but what you but what you're not doing is submitting ideas for what you think would make a great movie i mean i'm insulted because you said try to think about it from my perspective well that's all i do 15 hours a day is i try to get into your shoes think

about your perspective okay now i'm pete holmes my best friend is deadpool i'm going 128 on the fucking uh 405 in my bugatti i got this nympho in the front seat and i'm looking for anywhere to pull off the highway because she's got to have what i'm packing downstairs i'm completely nude but obviously i'm seated so you're not gonna be able to see my back unless we somehow justify it in the story and glass bottom bugatti seat that's camera and we did it low angle camera experience but we wouldn't have gotten there unless i put myself in your shoes start thinking about it from your perspective so if there's you know how often the movie ends with like a crane shot that's like going like way way up pulling out yeah instead we go down under the seat glass bottom seat yeah

so then we basically be staring at pete holmes's anus we are figuring well when we get all the way in we actually meet the flummox in there the flummox lives in his anus the flummox which is a thing that i think you made up when i use the word flummox i still you're gonna deny it i'm gonna say you made it up on the spot but But now apparently that's in the story now as as what? An animated character that lives in Pete Holmes's anus. We're trying to do it practically. Yeah, it's felt a lot of film. Can I pitch something that I've been working on?

Oh, yeah, I guess. I mean, Tom's not pitching anything. Someone at Apple owes me a huge favor so i can i secured a commercial for tom book the movie it does have to run during a promo for ted lasso though so if we're okay with that i have everyone's signatures. Sure. So now this is... So the commercial runs during another commercial? Yeah.

I need to figure out a way to have them be watching it. So Ted Lasso goes like, let's look at some game film from the soccer match. Let's do a team building exercise. Yeah. And then the game film would be Tom Book. I'm a football coach that plays a different the coach is a different sport now kevin what did you do for them like what what what yeah why does that i lied in court i don't know if i should admit that you lied in court for them yeah for your friend you never saw mike daisy at the factory mike who see

wow wow that was impressive burned him yeah it was really good but tom i i want you to feel comfortable with it i don't think we can lose what we have but if there are scenes you want us to add that you feel tell your story more thoroughly like is there something he wants to be in it he wants to be in the movie tom d is this is that what this is about just tell us you want to be in the movie we will find a place for you i don't want to be in the movie. I'm be the nymphos dad. I'm great. So what am I just like? What? Give me some sample dialogue.

Well, you're, you're the nymphos dad and you are of course the valet at the, at the country, at the country club. And you played by Pete Holmes are like, pull, pull up in the in the gaudy yeah don't scratch it pal overhand whips his keys at you like basically like full that's a full pitching motion like overhand yeah just like like oh yeah like a whole wind up like just like cranks his arms up and just

and yeah kicks his leg out the whole you're wearing hard as he can throw the case it's catfish hunter style you're wearing shorts you're you're watching him pull up with your daughter he's nude i'm in shorts he's nude yes see again and this is like see how it helps see how it helps to actually like visualize the scene so you can see it yeah and yes he is throwing a four seam fastball of his of his keys at you and you say nice keys nice keys nice keys I say nice keys

and then what happens next the flummox takes the crap on my head what's next what indignity am I gonna suffer next with all this stuff about like pooping and like yeah you brought it up you said no that was a scene that was a scene i believe was in your book that we there's no scene in the book that has to do with crapping your pants

okay i agree to disagree on that i just you know i i'm not here to fight a battle about the book. The fact is we're going to take it out of the movie. It was half the movie. It was your whole childhood. We thought it was going to be more relatable, more engaging, a little more vulnerable than trying to eat more pennies than the crawfish can or whatever the thing was. Can I ask a question?

And God help me for asking this question yes who who do you picture doing the voice of the flummox layla ali yeah okay kevin what's your second favorite part of the book when robert downey jr makes a cameo yeah yeah that's not in the book there's no robert downey jr is not in the book at all he finds out that you're gonna be that you're spider-man you're doing like spider-man stuff in your spare time and he's like look kid you know to keep the secret for me then it turns out it was a different kid at school wasn't you at all no it was a mistake sure so he shows up you go to the same school as the as spider-man's canonically the tom holland spider-man gotcha okay so i go to the same school and zendaya and he he gets the

he goes to the wrong kid's house yeah he goes he shows up and he goes yeah an rdj he's in there and he goes hey look kid you don't have to keep the secret from me and then um oh so what you're just like a normal high school kid you're just like doing like you're just pretending to be like just a normal high school kid okay okay disregard everything yeah so then i tell him i'm not spider-man you go like yeah you would do it more like there's a snot strand. So I'm more of like a mouth. Going from your nose down into your mouth and you're like chewing on this hanging snot strand.

I'm not Spider-Man. Interesting diet you got there, kid. Yeah. Look, I'm not Spider-Man. Mr. Stark, I'm not Spider-Man. Yeah, he's riffing. At this point, he's riffing, so we can't even hear you. He's just grabbing stuff off the shelves,

like set dressing stuff, and he's just going. He's doing like, hello, anybody there? Picking a thing, like it's a phone. It's like a soccer trophy or whatever. Yeah. And then he's like oh citizen kane he's our robin he's our generation's robin that's just what he is so so in this scene this pivotal scene i go into my my bedroom from high school because i go to the same school as spider-man

robert danny jr as iron man tony Stark is there, basically riffing with different props around my room where he'd be just like, is he doing like applause meter with his hand? Yeah, he's doing the applause meter. And he's been told, whatever, props has been told to have a lot of knickknacks around and stuff so that he can just go because we're going to get a lot of raw footage.

Sure, so he'll do things like he'll pick up uh he'll he'll just pick up like a like a mouse from my computer and just be kind of like oh it's a mouse oh mouse trap or like that he would do better yeah he would it's not real and he's gonna get a character like he's gonna probably do characters yeah and of course this is like a parallel universe version because i think like he's not in the regular movies anymore so this is like a different tony stark that in our version his name is is tony stark naked he's naked he's going so he's nude in my bed and we're seeing it from the back as well okay and and and robert downey jr is playing this this is yeah yes yes roger did you say Roger Downey Jr.? I said Robert.

Okay, then no. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. So it's Roger Downey Jr. Roger Downey Jr. is playing this role. And yeah, he's actually... To me, he's the funnier of the two Downey Juniors. He's really good.

And he was just... His schedule was easier to line up for us. He's available basically forever. Sure. so he's going through my room going oh and he am and he am i want to get back what's going a captain i cannot uh do it anymore we cannot take the stress the ship can i'm like i'm damn it jim i'm a doctor he's doing like every one of these things roger downey jr yeah roger downey jr is going through the whole thing he's doing some offensive stuff as well okay some accents and stuff you know we we can cut around it unless we decide it works for the picture but um you know i i gotta

say i i don't want to overlook the fact that your name is donald trump in the movie as well i forgot i completely forgot so he's like donald trump trump you are spider-man is that what's happening yes yeah so i'm walking in the room in shorts you said he's fully nude roger danny jr is fully nude and i say tony stark what are you tony stark what are you doing in here yeah and he goes oh he's doing a twilight harp one two three four one he's just doing dance things and then fussy fussy doing and then i go a little quick julia child impression in the kitchen maybe he's working his way around the house then he says donald trump you are spider-man and since i'm like a mouth breather i'm going i'm not spider-man mr stark that's i think that could be good

yeah let's do it okay great that's kevin's second favorite scene yeah let's do it okay great that's kevin's second favorite scene yeah yeah i kind of get it now i see i see what my book is missing and then there's like you have to participate you go the scene after that is you like pretend you get kind of caught up in this thing where you have to pretend to be spider-man and you basically get like hurled into the side of a building uh and do i slide down yeah you slowly slide all the glass building so we're inside and we're following you like well the same camera that goes the same camera that goes up pete's anus i guess we could use for that shot yeah so you're very the flummox could actually see you doing this and go, that's got to hurt. You're sliding down this glass building,

and as you're sliding, you get kind of turned over, and then the friction of the glass is pulling your shorts off. Of course. I get turned upside down so that I'm nude. Why wouldn't I be nude for the the the spider-man training sequence that's a spam risk signature you know it's like all these movies where these people walk on screen you go like one of those shorts coming off and half the time they don't but you know when you see one of our flicks at some point a window's gonna pull the shorts off sure so a window does it basically yeah friction but yeah but that's the signature that's the signature move for your company

we try to get you pushed up against the glass somehow yeah no like i said uh yeah let's do it all right bye bye this week on the patreon carl and assan discuss the olympics the boys we haven't recorded yet don't worry it'll be a really good one and the flagger ones are mostly talking all things basketball check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes, including today's with Tom at Patreon.com slash The Flager Ones. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.