Hollywood Handbook - Tom Cardy, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

The Boys help TOM CARDY improve his music comedy. Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Mc Crispy Strips are now at McDonald's. Tender, juicy, and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious. New Mc Crispy Strips, now at McDonald's. Ba da ba ba ba. Hey, and welcome to Hollywood a handbook and sorry guy

Hey, and so we are here of course we have Guests like we so often do and we'll talk to him in a minute. But first I want to talk to Hayes about him So hey hit me man. What What is up? We got this guy, this Australian guy named Tom. Yeah. Who's like a comedy guy, but we have one of those, like we have a guy like that. We've got a guy like that, yeah. So what I'm trying to figure out is like,

do we need two guys like this? Here's something I, I mean, and I'm not saying yes or no like, do we need two guys like this? Here's something I, I mean, and I'm not saying yes or no. This is not a yes or no. I'm not either. I'm literally asking the question. This is me and this is me tossing something back to you. Other Tom came in with this. Ready? Oh my God.

I get to be on the show, Hollywood Handbook. It's one of my favorite shows that I love. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm obsessed with this. That was the feeling. Yes. Yes. And this guy, can I tell you exactly what this guy came in with? Because I was with him before you were. Okay. This guy came in with actually was, I'm not going to do the accent. I'll try it. I won't. I'll try it. I shouldn't do it, but I'll try. I didn't. So I'd really prefer if you didn't. I think, I think I need to update my, I think I need to update my zoom. I think I have to re download my zoom. It was like, Oh, okay. And he's like, I can only see one of you. And I was like, all right. So like, like that's something with zoom only being able to see one of them. Well, just like, what the, like an update. Oh, well no. And this new update. No, don't worry. We saw that problem. There's another person in the

new update. I was like, switch the view. Like Kevin was like, you know that problem there's another person in the new update. I was like switch the view like Kevin was like you know like there's like a so sorry there's a huge problem with zoom right now there's only one guy in it. Yes zoom only zoom can only fit one guy it hasn't been updated enough so I was like we'll see if you could change the speaker view didn't acknowledge that at all went it says I need to update okay then he came back and there was two of him so never nowhere in this exchange was there any acknowledgement that he got to be on Hollywood handbook that it's the he's obsessed with it probably show that he's obsessed He's obsessed with it. Probably not. The funniest show that he's obsessed.

That it was nothing like. He's nervous that he was really scared. Didn't say he was scared. And yet. Was actually so comfortable. I mean, if you're scared, you don't go around updating stuff. And yet,

and I've seen this guy. I've seen his work. Look at this fucking guy. And I have no problem admitting that. Apparently he does. Yeah, I talked to him about it. I actually, one of the first things I did was told him a song I thought was funny,

and then he started being like, oh, that one's not the one that you should be telling me about. I stole that one from Auntie Donna or whatever. I was just like, dude, don't say that. And if you steal, don't steal from them. Honestly. There's gotta be other. Don't say that. And if you steal, don't steal from them. Like honestly, there's gotta be other, I love those guys. They're so fun. I love a lot of it is like, I love them. Honestly, I love two of them.

It's not the ideas. Yes. But Tom talk to me to, I mean, but let me, I mean, talk about your approach and I want to talk about something I'm familiar with before you start going in there like, Oh, my zoom is fucked up again. Your whole thing is the machines you, you know, machines like that's like, they're all that you're surrounded by them and all. Every time I listen to a song of yours, I hear multiple machines. Okay. Listen, you fucking dogs. There's a limit to what a guy like me can.

Who are you talking to? What the fuck is wrong with your Zoom? My nothing wrong with my Zoom. This is the pinnacle of zoom in Australia. Okay. You've heard of bandwidth. You asked me on here, you knew where I lived, you know, very specifically where I lived.

Okay. I've sent you photos of my house. I sent you photos of the broadband plan. This is the best zoom in all of Australia. Literally the best zoom. This is the best frequency. Okay. Well, Auntie Dosh.

A broadband plant. There's three of them. OK, well, Auntie, broadband plant. There's three of them. And like I was saying, two of them are really good. So like which one? The one this guy sent me a photo. No, which it is. Give me the one with the one with the hair or lack of. Hang on as I can. Hey, as I've got him, this guy sent me a photo of the broadband plant. Yeah. The freaking eucalyptus tree in his backyard.

You can't say that. And also what you did before to, quote unquote Australian accents, was one of the most racist things I've ever heard in my life done to the Australian, the English Australian people. We can't say that you guys eat eucalyptus. We just have to watch you eat eucalyptus.

Okay, just I don't. And we're not, oh, we're not allowed to say anything about it. No, well, the thing is you have to educate yourself a little bit because I don't know if you knew this, but eucalyptus is actually poison. Okay, koala is the only- Yeah, but it gets fucking-

Yeah, you don't want us to eat it, I get it. That's your whole thing. Like, oh, don't eat that, it's poison. Must be so poison. Must be so poison. The thing that people die if they eat it. I don't want it. Like, Oh, don't eat that. It's poison. I don't want it. You don't have to do that with me. I don't want your fucking leaves. Okay. This is like when I tell my kid that my food is spicy. So he won't try it because I want to eat it for myself.

And you're just eating ice cream. You're like, no, no, no. Yeah. Hell yeah. This is Szechuan cream. Um. I would like to say, okay. He doesn't know what that means. Because the way you said Szechuan is so respectful. Oh, his accent is bad, but the way you said that. My accent's racist, but you can say Szechuan. I was just saying it the way that it was meant to be said. And the face you made during it too.

I don't know. I'm not comfortable with it. Szechuan, you want to take that again? It's just a little flavor of, you know, I'm just respectful to the culture. Um, I think it's a lot of flavor personally. The Seshuan cream. I think, I mean, I think like that's I don't think it's a little flavor. I like I think it's it's very, very complex.

I think it's very flavorful, very intense. Yeah. So many layers, so many notes to it. The cream offsets the chili. So much to unpack. You Sean started the meeting and said, hi, I have to go pee. So you made yourself aware. So I'm just trying to figure out what. It's called humanizing yourself. A lot of times, like with a Tom from Australia, they're really nervous. They're like, oh, these guys are like these superheroes.

He's like comedy gods. Like they're not going to, you know, be real human beings that I can relate to. So one thing I do to put people at ease is I go and I talk about how I'm going to pee right away. Yeah, you know, Jesus Christ, man. There's a big difference between me and other Tom who, and, and I was coming with that, like with you in the lead, cause he just does comedy as far as I know, I don't think like Kevin, does that guy do any music at all? Does he do music?

I don't know what he's up to lately. If he does, let me guess if he does, I'll bet it's like a side project. That's like not fun. It's like serious. Not really hitting. Yeah. It's you know what I mean? He does. It's like a tonal cut. Okay. Yeah. No way. You know, everything he does, Kevin, don't be like, he doesn't do that. You know, we're saying it's a side project outside of his comedy career, which is more public. And then when he's name after Demi goes to sleep or whatever,

he fucking goes out in the garage and like sings about teacher being mean to him. Because he did because he did one once he performed one once for Demi that was supposed to be funny and it didn't get the reaction. He was like, well, it wasn't like my music is not funny. That's not. Yeah, that's not the comedies. One thing and then the music separately is just about feelings, passion, you know,

So I'm glad. So I'm glad that was your reaction. Meanwhile, he has all of all these tabs of Tom Carty's videos up closing all those tabs. I ruined his life when I became a Tom on the Internet because people had to type in his full name when they wanted to Google him. I've also ruined the life of one Tom Cardy, a mountain bike rider in London,

which is really good because he's kind of got an online profile. And now he gets, I guess, people saying like, did you write a song about buttholes? Did you write a song that just says one naughty word and it's like 10 seconds long? He's got to say no. And that's sad for him because I think he probably realizes that his life isn't quite as good as mine. Jealous. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I got to tell you, I was only half listening, but. That's fair. You still pissing? Come on, man. No, I'm not, but I'm on a wish.

For the video people. You fucking wish, bro. For the video people on a balance board. This is just called, this is fucking dynamic. I mean, like with video podcasts, I mean, you know, why we're still in the game is we keep innovating. I now stand on a balance board for the video podcast and I just rock back and forth.

And Kevin has a podcast captures them. Kevin has a go between right and left channel. So you're, he's only in one year at a time. Wow. Kevin, you got some pretty good, uh, HD quality on that camera there. Why don't you share some with us? Bose's, huh? I actually sent him a text asking him to do that. Was that earlier today or yesterday, Kevin? I think it was this morning or last night. Okay, yeah, but I've already resigned myself that it's never gonna happen.

It's like, why haven't you even suggested- It was an interesting text to send. Right? It was a good heat check for myself. You know what I mean? Yeah, getting a little bit- See what I could get Kevin to do. Getting out of your skis a little bit.

See if I could get Kevin to send me a good camera to use. Some of the texts you've been sending, yeah. Kevin, have you been hoarding cameras? Is that what you got under the table there? Just 20 cameras? Kevin's sort of our technical advisor, but. Oh, that's awesome. There was like a big push early on

where he kind of got us all set up. but there was like a big push early on where he kind of got us all set up. And then as everything is sort of slowly degraded and we just like are doing worse and worse all the time. Yeah, your cameras are really good for 2010. I was gonna say. Kevin. He's our picture of Dorian Gray,

but it's like you go up to the attic and people are like, wow, this picture is really fucking hot. It actually was. Damn, this picture. go up to the attic and people like wow this pictures really fucking hot it actually was damn reading her looking good as fuck up here the attic okay picture would Tom you have a Kevin uh no I was actually thinking about borrowing you know if that's all right you're so full of crap, Tom. No, I'm not. I don't have a Kevin. You don't have a Kevin? Nah, I don't have a bar tilt.

What does he do? My Kevin? Yeah, does he do like the singing? Does he do like... Because you're faking, you're like, you're lip-sicking a lot of the things no I've never faked anything so that's why does he do the auto-tune or does he like Mike as he make all the music for you I don't know what you kind of insinuating but this is a this is a one this is a machine it's one single what I'm insinuating is I've spent about ten minutes with you I've heard the songs before these are not being generated by you I know a fellow creative when I meet What I'm insinuating is that I've spent about 10 minutes with you. I've heard the songs before.

These are not being generated by you. I know a fellow creative when I meet one and what you're bringing to the table right now is guy who has been coasting on the shoulders of a Kevin. And I know it when I see it. Would it blow your mind? Because brother, yeah, we can smell our own, my friend. No, no. Look, I got, I don't want to, I didn't want this to be an expose, but like, would it blow your mind for me to say that your Kevin had written all my songs? Not really. I mean,

he like, yeah, all of them is a lot, but like he must be doing something with, I mean, that would be like, okay, well, I know he's be doing something with, I mean, that would be like, okay, well, I know he's not doing anything for us. That accounts for like Monday through Wednesday of a given week. You know, I still have some unanswered questions. I mean, when you tell me that it is amazing that you think there's like a Elton John, Bernie Turpin sort of situation or whatever that other guy's name is. It's sad that we don't know the other guy's name. Yeah, it's Bernie Turbin. Burbie's Turbin.

Bernie Turpentine. Yeah, well chemically, fella. And I noticed you haven't turned your camera around to show us that he's back there. And I was noticing that you haven't done that. That's all right. If I were trying to prove that there wasn't a guy sitting right behind my computer,

clapping for me. Feeding me all my killer lines. Yeah. He's notoriously quiet on podcasts, let me tell you. No, I don't show him off because he's an ugly little fella and he doesn't like to be seen. He doesn't like to be heard. He just likes to squirrel away funny.

Tick tocks. Yes, they do squirrel in their cheeks. He spits one out into my mouth. Sometimes assuming you do. You do write your songs. I did have some notes. Okay, great. I actually need this.

Oh my God. Finally, I agree. Ready? I agree. Ready? I had a couple of notes. Ready? Okay, here we go.

I know what it is. I don't like someone saying ready before. I feel like I have to brace myself a little bit. F sharp. What? Go ahead. Is your note F? Oh, fuck.

Okay. Yeah, that was okay. Excellent. note F? Oh, fuck. Okay. Yeah, that was, okay. Excellent. There are a couple of notes. And he's like, notice how he didn't do one. Notice how he didn't do one. Go on.

No, I appreciate the joke. You're so full of crap, dude. Yeah. Didn't even get it. When I said F sharp, he was like, what's that? Didn't even get it. Yes, he did. He said, what's that?

What is that? I'm not a comedic musician. That's not a note. I start with the music and I let it flow through me. What's your training? My training? Yeah. Black belt and jujitsu friend. Why don't you hop on a ship over to Sydney

and we'll see what happens. Yeah, man. Steam ship only. I need that six months to train. No, I would never threaten you physically. You don't want it. You, bro, you do not want me to hop on a ship over to Sydney. No, I would never threaten you physically. You don't want it. You bro, you do not want me to hop on the show and get this in me.

Brother, you don't want to. Don't want that? Bro. Are you gonna stand up, be seven feet tall or something, Hayes? What's going on? Come on. This is coming from a guy that could have

been on Zoom before. If we're talking about what happened before the podcast starts, someone's going around finding where's Waldo with a little Zoom recorder. That's right. Yes. Someone's going around finding where's Waldo with a little zoom recorder. Huh? That's right. Yes. I don't. Yes.

Sorry. I don't have all my zoom equipment just sitting there ready. Just don't lined up. Oh, I'm ready for the show. You're a beautiful man. Jiu-Jitsu. What, what is the Jiu-Jitsu technique that you normally employ when someone shoots you with a crossbow? It's in here.

It's, it's a very... If I get off this ship... Yeah. It's fucking arrow time, brother. Shit. Are we talking crossbow or are we talking longbow? Well, let me think. Are we dealing with bolts? Let me think. Is it the one that I said?

Whatever, dude. I'm just trying to help your world. I'm just trying to help you know what? Here's a comedy song for you. Here's a comedy song for you. Hot crossbow. Hey. So Hayes has that, but actually I do have some notes, creative notes. And notice he didn't do one. Oh God.

He didn't do one when I did a note. He didn't do one when I did an entire fully realized comedy song. This man is the most fakest bitch we've had since we had a fake bitch account. Oh god, he didn't do him what I didn't know he didn't do him what I did an entire fully realized comedy song I'm just man is the most fakest bitch we've had since we had a fake bitch a couple weeks ago and that That is frustrating. Who is that fake ass bitch? You wouldn't know him But you're gonna get this you legit wouldn't know him. He's nobody ever gonna be like it's okay that he's fake. He's so fine What about this break? I know him. He's nobody. Everyone's going to be like, it's okay that he's fake. He's so fine.

What about this? He's a brick. Oh, you let you I know. I just know he talks you through it. You you guys, you you guys are handsome as shit. I'm not going to lie. How what about this? You let you let me trade. You trade a Tom for me.

Don't worry about other Australian Tom. He can be Australian Tom. Is there an American Tom that you guys don't need anymore? Let me think. Because people are too nice to me here, to be honest. I'm kind of like a king. Uh, and we ditch an American Tom. Selick. You guys friends with him?

I need him. I need that one. I need that one. Can I hang on? Okay. Veto hang on to it? Okay. Veto. No, it won't be Selick.

Using my veto. We each get 16 vetoes. Let's name Tom for the rest of the episode. Wait, is it, and when you say an American Tom, is it, I mean, you said Selick. So is it someone named Tom or is it one of these guys that are like posting? Or do you think that's Tom Petty's name because like he sang American Girl? I think it's Tom Petty's name because his name's Tom Petty and that's his name. Why would his name being, why would he sing American Girl?

Oh my God. He said an American Tom. Yeah. Like Tom Sawyer. He doesn't know the song. Again, he doesn't know any songs. Hey, I know so many songs. No songs.

I honestly give me any, um, song and I'll tell you who. Oh, give me any song at all. Okay. So you can't give us a song. So we have only the song and I'll prove that I know songs. Have you guys ever had a musician on this podcast before? Yeah, we had a couple unpleasant ones. So it sounds like you guys had something kind of not if it worked. You know, second, it's never work. Think that having me on was going to be anything different

because we're because who were those guys? We had reported not a quitter, Tom, a new commentary track for the faculty. Who were those guys? Oh yeah. Yeah, they were... The Wiggles? No, no, no. See, and let me tell you what happens, Tom.

Kevin, he has these little passing... Park it courts? Was it park it? Yeah, they were great. Kevin has these little passing fancies. And you know, like the next day, just balls you up and throws you in the, your ear flushes. You'll never be heard from again.

Yeah. We're not gonna stop texting after this, are we Kev? No, though. Have we had a successful episode with a musician? Was there something called Whitney? And I mean, I don't mean to be disrespectful here. Yeah, Whitney. That's right. That was a band that we had on.

King Gizzard. You had King Gizzard on? We had King Gizzard. We had Japanese Breakfast. We had Japanese Breakfast. We had, dude, we had Kurt Viall. We had Kurt Viall. I'm excited for King Gizzard. We could talk more, what do we have Kurt vile? We had Kurt vile. I just, I'm excited for King is it. We could talk more about that if you guys want. Oh my God. Yeah. Let's talk

about it. We did it. It's old yesterday. Just pretend you like Japanese breakfast by the way. What like Miso soup and some frigging barramundi or something. Oh my God. That's a fucking joke. You could put that in a song so easy. I'm sorry. I have to get out of the zoom frame. I cannot be in the zoom frame when you're doing it. You can't be anywhere. My permeate, Tom, we said my name is Zach. Followers. Zach. OK, she's an author.

Cut my name out, Zach. Very accomplished musician, like a really really interesting artist and you've just reduced her to this vicious stereotype. I just think it's very funny that Kim Kardashian's daughter will share one of my audios and yet you A's are too good to stay in a zoom call with me. Did that really happen? Yeah. What was it about?

It was just about there's a section of a song. It there's no rhyme or reason to these things. Oh, wait, are you talking about Kanye West's daughter? Yes. They're the same one, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah, they are. You just shared a story when we're taking credit for

someone's offspring, kind of foregrounding our ideas. She's, it seems like some of the Japanese breakfast jokes you'd make are a little more Kanye than Kim. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And it might explain how on your back foot you were when I asked you what the video was about.

It was a... I feel like I was hearing everything except what the video was about. Look guys, little people talk about people, big people talk about ideas. Do we want to talk about the video? What is the idea of the video? The idea of the video? What's the idea of the video? The idea of the video is something cerebral. It's about, it's a red flag if someone really enjoys the movie, The Human Centipede, where there's three people reading each other. I've heard this.

Yeah, it's good. That's right. I've listened to this song. Yeah, but it has the same issue that I want to address in some of the notes that I want to give you about your music, which is like, great, okay, music, great, fun. Like we all listen to it. Like we like that. Like it can be good. It can help you in a lot of different scenarios. Jokes. Okay. Shit, man. I've made a couple of them myself. I actually made one on this zoom that I've probably made people

laugh. So like, I'm not against either of these two things. And I actually think they can exist together, but I'd like to workshop a song or even rework some of your existing songs with you, because what I want is if we're going to do a song and we're going to have jokes, can we put the jokes a little later so that I can finish having sex before I start laughing? What music are you putting on? Is it when you're lovemaking? Is it hey, I'm Tom? Well, I'll tell you what, not, not Tom Cardy anymore because the human centipede angle comes shooting out so quick that I don't get to shoot out quick at all.

You know what I mean? Like I'm sitting here harder than freezer meat. I got the fucking tunes turned up to 11 spinal tap. And I'm trying to tap something else. Why? And all of a sudden it's like, she's laughing. I'm cracking up. Trying to bust a nut, not bust a gut. Tom.

Thank you, Tom. It's really, can I have both please? Just a little bossa nova or something like that. Something sensual. Like I'm not trying to get people to fuck. Yeah, great. Put that out. Do the fucking shit.

Put the bossa nova, whatever you want on, finally uses a music term as soon as I actually come for his ass. It like, put that on there, do it, you know, a little bippin' and boppin' around, I don't care, you know, sing some nonsense. Then when I'm done, after like, three minutes, no. So you want me to write- When am I putting the music on? I want to put the music on when we first start talking

about doing it. Okay. So what's the- And then you want the jokes to come in after you've had like, you know, there's usually like kind of a serious conversation about just kind of addressing some of the stuff that happened. I want to tell her what she did wrong. Do you want the music still going there? So just do an instrumental break for like 20 minutes.

Yeah, if you could turn the volume down a little bit, actually, on some of the instruments. They like it even less when you do that later, when you come like the next day, or like wake them up the next morning. Go, hey, yeah, that was really cool. Some of the stuff you were saying felt a little inappropriate.

I can make it. I was really tying to concentrate and you kept asking me all these questions. Whose blank is what? Or like, do I like blank? Or does that feel blank? Are you saying sexual things where you're saying blank or is your sexy talk like mad libs?

You don't, you don't have a who's blank is what conversation. I mean, I've read the children's book, who's blank is what, but I don't, I don't know. I don't really do that. Maybe it's different in Australia. Nothing. It's not me saying these, like, this is me, you know, giving instruction on like, Hey, like it's really fun.

Like obviously it's, you know, like, look, we're all, we're all adults here, huh? We're all guys. We can admit it. It feels so crazy doing that stuff. So like, I think it's totally cool. I don't want to be laughing in the middle of it. Did you, and I don't want somebody asking me quiz questions about who's what is whatever, you know, I'm trying to take a jizz, not take a quiz.

You know what I mean? Thank you. Yeah. I'm trying to get you. It's not a quiz dude, but you guys haven't really thought about my perspective. Sorry. Jizz is what you call people named Jeremy over there. Sorry. I forgot. Jizz, Jizz, Jizz and me. Maybe I'm trying to make some songs to stop you from fucking. You ever think about that?

Maybe I've created a whole genre of music that is purposefully. Well, that's dangerous. Sculpted. Yeah. Well, I just, I just. Medically dangerous. Cause I'm in here harder than goddamn freezer meat. And it's an existential threat to the species as well.

I'm looking for less kids coming out of YouTube. Okay. From the day one. You know how you said before, Tom, other Tom came on here saying, I love, I love the Hollywood's handbook. Okay. I love it so much. It's my favorite.

I am aware of your podcast. He was talking like that. He, but. Yeah. You're vaguely aware. You went, I stole a song from Auntie Donna. I think you might've done an episode with them. I'm aware of your podcast. Why do you have to pretend, like, why do you have to pretend? I never pretend to act.

That you don't know if we did it or not. I know that you guys did it. I listened to a few things. I got to tell you. Then why did you say it like that? Because I just, you know, I try and add color into my general, you know, just the conversation that I have, I'm a creative. You ever do that? You ever try and be fun?

You ever try and impress people? No, that's not, no, that's not what the show is. This show is a free flowing conversation that occasionally touches on mature subjects. What it is is we shoot people straight. It's actually one of the last strongholds of authentic conversation left in the entire world. I've been threatened with a crossbow and then told that my music makes people laugh during sex. Nothing shoots straighter, my doggy.

What'd you just call me? That's what the mechanism is for. My doggo. So the arrow shoots. My dog? Straight as a what? Straight as a what? A what?

What? A arrow. What? Work with me. Okay. No, you said arrow already. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm comprehending. Look, I'm, did I get what you guys are- What's a song?

Like, what's the niche fan base you want to try to pander to next? That then we can make a song about it. I'm legitimately- And we can try to, and we can kind of like hold off on some of the, you know. Okay. Maybe like, and while you're thinking of that, let me just tear off a clip real quick for Zach real quick. WID she Netflix and chill like a human centipede.

So we just get that clean and like, we see like, we see how that, we have that now we see how we will actually have a clip coming out of the episode because now that I know that, you know, she's like watching clips, you know what I mean? And she likes comedy and did she, you said she shared it as well. She was sharing it. Wait, who is this? Is this Kanye's daughter? I mean, you know, like she's also Kim Kardashian's daughter. It's a person of influence. I don't want to erase.

And I think she probably has a little more of a role in her life. Yeah. Yeah. She's got a role. And, and, and, and, and, and, you know, you know, Kanye has actually been sharing that he hasn't been allowed access to her. But meanwhile, you want to erase Kim a role. And, and, and, and, and, you know, you know, Connie has actually been sharing that he hasn't been allowed access to her. But meanwhile, you want to erase Kim's role. Yeah. She's actually as a mother, which is the most important job in her life. And check this out. Let me rip off a clip real quick. All right, fam. F Mary kill the top middle and bottom of the human centipede.

Can I try one? Yes, please. I would love for you to do something productive. Like I didn't want to engage with that prompt, I guess, but no, no, or mine or mine, I noticed that they're both effective in getting helpful. It's just helpful for a clip. What about this? My face when human

when I'm. My face, M F W. When the human center beat hits. You're blocking your face, what? Your face is on the. Your face. We can see you. We can see your face when because of the microphone.

Yeah. Oh, can you do you do the face when again um my face the face we need okay face oh no no that was even more I don't understand what you guys you're making a sound no no You're making a sound. No, no. You're making a sound. Just me speaking? My sound when? My sound when? My sound when the human's in a... So either say, either say my sound when.

That's fine with me. Or move the mic so we can see the face. And you can make a sound, but... I understand now and I apologize for that. My sound when face. Did you say my sound when face someone face? Yes. I'm getting nervous.

I'm not going to lie. This is longer than I've spoken to any people. But that's what we want to hear from our fans. And that is a very similar thing to other Tom. When he was getting nervous, he did put the whole mic in his mouth that same way. So then maybe that's a cultural thing or something. It just calms you down, I guess. That's fair. Hollywood Hamburg.

Hollywood Hamburg. I've been having a little think about who we want to, like what niche, why don't we write a song? Yeah, who are we going after? So we did the, people want to talk about the human centipede movie that just came out or what happened with that? That's just come out. It's actually coming out next week in Australia.

Okay. And then we've done, obviously we're, you know, you're really steering into the D&D world Which is just we can do that in minefield. Yeah, I know it's crazy, but we're looking for someone with lots of fans We're looking for something we can clean up financially guys, and I'm willing to split you guys in on this Yeah, that was just for love. Oh, yeah, the D&D thing. I'm sure it was just for love you didn't see didn't see anyone else No, no, no, that was just me and absolutely Taking a long hair blowing their nose in a thousand to knees or whatever you have Toonies. Yeah

is that a Is that a is that a word kind of fish? Oh, okay. Yeah Yeah Is that a word you use? It's a kind of fish. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I want to do a song about tennis players, because I think that tennis players have a lot of extra money, and I think there's something inherently funny about the ball people. Well, let's not have it be funny right away. I think a song from the perspective of a ball person could be sort of heart-achingly beautiful.

It could actually give people time to totally finish coming. And then after that, sure, we're gonna have a blast. And then stop it down, yeah, sure. Yeah, then we address the issues. Then we have a little break down, instrumental. Yeah. Then we address the issues. Instrumental. Maybe that's like a kind of a Trent Reznor kind of like that,

that that that that that that as you're like. Really figuring it out. Hey, why did you shove me? It felt like you were like shoving me during that. Were you trying to shove me? Not necessarily. I mean, you've definitely got shove face. Yeah.

So that why have you stopped? Why have you stopped moving around so much? Oh, you know, I would take a little breaks. Okay. Well, it kind of puts me off when you stop. So if you could. All right. Okay.

Hey, here you go. Are you in like a wood cabin or something? What's up? Yeah, I'm in a or something? What's up? Yeah, I'm in a wood cabin. What's up? What's that? Genius up in this piece.

What do you podcast out of your just like, this is my dad's house. Like a metal cabin or something. Make sure you, make sure you get a glass reflective surface directly across from the zoom. Okay. I just want you guys to know exactly what I'm doing. That's going to really help the video feed. Well, you're telling me that you're not just staring at your own video of surface directly across from the zoom. Okay. I just want you guys to know exactly what I'm doing. That's going to really help the video feed. Well, you're telling me that you're not just staring at your own video this entire time.

I've been making notes, dude. Zoom in on that. You're going to see all the notes. Hey, dear diary, I've made two new friends. One of them's names may be Sean. The other one, not sure, interested to ask, could be cool conversation starters. What's your name? Can you zoom in that much? Kevin, can we zoom in? The ultimate icebreaker. Only in post.

Can you zoom in in post now? Sure. Make post now. Yeah, get in there. Get in there and get all his notes. Because I'm not going to lie. I'm kind of, I'm kind of sick of you guys ganging up on me. I'm kind of done with it, and I'll stay for the rest of it.

I wish you were sick, I wish it was making you sick. I'm not gonna- I wish you were throwing up from us ganging up on you. That's right, I wouldn't even- That's my old tire goal. I've never vomited in my life, and I'm not gonna start now. I wish you were so congested. I'm not gonna start now,

because a bully's asking me to throw up. Only a Franken asked me to throw up friend. Never. Vomited in your life. And but you've been fighting off partners elliptis your whole career, Tom. And now you're alone. I mean, like this is what it is. Like you, you took every last morsel of credit and fame, every last of the idea of sharing a single view with a creative partner. I'd share a view.

That's what really made you feel sick. I'd share one view, right? You guys are going to get a few views off this. You don't understand what's going to happen to your audience base. It is going to blow the fuck up. And I'm not asking for anything from that. You probably have like seven patrons or something, something right you got like a little patreon for all the little the little sorry I've banged my table you got probably a little

patreon for a little short people they give all their short money you are told so what they shouldn't have a patreon no they can have a patreon so what we're all crunched down now we shouldn't have a little patreon for them now I don't do one show where we're all scrunched down. Now we shouldn't have a little Patreon for them? Now I don't do one show where I'm all scrunched down and then another one where I'm stretched out. I just think. To make my listeners more comfortable. I think there's people that fall in between those cracks

and you're not being respectful to them. So we don't record one where we're standing straight up under like a huge table that we've constructed as a set. I just to make it look like we're small. We're little kids. You know, baby children. I think I can hear someone singing. I got to write a song guys.

Yeah. It's your fucking, it's the guy who does all the work. You better write a song. You better write a song about the ball boys or whatever and make it fucking sexy, man. Make it sexy? Yeah, you're saying, oh, you probably have a little Patreon. The only thing little about me right now

is the amount of patience I have. Someone wore it away with all of their hemming and hawing and goofing off. This is a business show. This is a business show. This is a business show. It's business. Why did you want me to make the bull boy song sexy? Other than the fact that you're obviously jointing it

while you listen to this stuff. Sorry. I don't know all the same terms you do. Jointing it? Yeah, the joint, it's a same terms you do. Joinking it? Yeah, the joint, it's a verb. Do you have a dictionary around? In that 1800s wooden cabin you're in, Sean? Maggie, not now, I'm podcasting.

God, I love that dog. Just called Maggie Gyllenhaal a dog. I would never. She did that thing in secretary, remember that? really secretary. You remember that you must like that, huh? Tom? He's still yo You must still remember that after all this you can call a Kelpie Maggie. I was a break out But now she's done a lot more work Does make Jill and whole related to Jake general maybe? You think she might be I don't know know, I have the same last name. You guys are the Hollywood's playbook, so.

She's married to Peter Sarsgaard, who in many ways is just as accomplished as Jake Gyllenhaal. Yeah, that's good. I mean, if he wasn't. So that you bring him up first, it's like, okay, it's acting like you've never heard of Peter Sarsgaard. Just like you've never heard of Auntie Donna doing our show. Who's Auntie Donna?

Do you ever do spawn? Do you ever do spawn? Where is that a drug? Hashtag spawn. You never do that. Hashtag ad. Add spawn. Spon con. Oh, your videos, your videos. Are you compensated ever? I am compensated. Well, it's mostly the it's mostly the Spotify guys. I hate to say it, but you are talking to a majority musician right now.

It's the so so explain what majority musician means. Eighty five to someone who gives a fuck. OK, when you're done with this show Sounds good Finish Kev what you doing later, buddy? Kev I want to talk to your friend Tom when you're done with the show Please don't scrunch me up like Japanese wallpaper or cling whatever. She's right. All paper. I regard to you as I must.

Oh God. Going on. Get me off the screen. It's completely fine. Maggie, get out of there, Maggie. Maggie, leave now. Sorry, we picked Maggie up from Kyoto. So she.

Are they next to you? I mean, I don't know that much about geography, but aren't they close? You seem very familiar with them. Yeah. You're very comfortable. And maybe that's what it is. Maybe they're, yeah. Maybe you think that there's the same, it's the Pacific ocean.

You think it's all one thing. Yeah. You can basically do what you want. Hop, skip and a jump, get on a boat, get off, have some cats. Don't know. No, no, no. I was all right. I chose a good one. I chose a pretty good one if you ask me. Uh, so she go home being back in time for the Simpsons.

So you're a majority musician. Yeah. Big time. And then just a little sprinkle of, uh, don't. It's a sprint. What? For that. Yeah. What a virtual knife. Just for anyone listening, Sean, just he's shown me again.

He showed me the smallest knife I've ever seen possible. Like it is a tiny knife. Like I didn't think they made it. OK, I don't think you're exactly improving on your countryman's bit there. Imagine if Paul Hogan was like, this is the smallest North I've ever seen possible. That's a little, that's a tiny North. What the hell? I've never seen tiny. No, I've never seen this. It's just small. No, if that knife's tiny,

that goes on now that no, it's not big enough. Did, did you pull that tiny knife out thinking that it was good? How it started, how it's going Zack just put that in for me, please how it started. Let me get it clean. Yeah, my would start. Yep Are you gonna do it? You get this clean how it started? Yeah, I got it. I got it I got a second put how it's going. I got it. Yeah how it started and it's Tom, you know Before this know how it's going and it's Tom, you know, before the show, how it's going. And it's Tom getting human centipede.

Oh, you can't have that. Um, come on. I, I'm kind of curious. Norse will love it. I just want to a little dip into like the dynamic between YouTube. Cause you've been doing this for a while. Yeah, go for it. People have been trying to do this for ages.

Sean, you, you did a, let's just be honest, an abysmal Australian accent at the start. Yeah, so. But then just a moment ago. First of all, I said I wasn't going to do it. But then you did it anyway. Uh-huh. You did it immediately after saying you weren't going to do it, which makes me

kind of distrustful for anything that you say. If you turn around and just lie to people, I guess. But, okay. And then just a moment ago, ago, what's the inconsistency you've uncovered? I just think it's interesting that Hayes did an Australian accent and then you immediately did another one and it was much, much better. And I'm just wondering, you lean on this guy, don't you? It was better than what? What's our dynamic?

Yeah. Wait, wait, what do you mean? It was better than the one I did at the beginning of the episode. I'm just saying, yeah, it kind of just seems like you lifted. Not better than mine, you were saying. It was better than the one he did. Better than the one he did at the beginning. No, Hazel, no, sweetie, come on.

He's not saying that. Then say that. He's saying, I learned how to do a better one from you. Yours is so good. Then he should say that. Do you agree with me? Then, no, I think he's, oh, I wish he had say that. Do you agree with me? Then? No, I think he's, Oh, I think, Oh, I wish he had said that. But the one thing is we're, whatever we are probably nine minutes into this episode. I haven't heard this guy say what he

actually means once. So I'm not surprised he didn't start now, but yes, in a perfect world, he would have said, Hayes did a great Australian accent and it was so good that it improved yours. Yeah, I mean, I guess that's a reason to have a partner is to improve. I guess you like doing this like song videos over and over instead of like having a partner who's like, maybe you try one. It can be interesting to live in an echo chamber echo echo chamber for sure.

It can certainly be interesting to live in an echo chamber. Yeah. Hey, do you feel like a roll bottle to your friend's Sean? Did you say, was that an animal? Yeah. So I was doing an impression of an animal. I was doing an impression. Do you feel like a what? I was doing an impression of an animal. I was doing an impression. Do you feel like a role model? A role model. OK, I thought you said a wall bunk. A wall model.

A role model? I don't know what you're not understanding about this. Pays. Do I feel like a role model to? No. I mean, I guess if he said that, that would make me feel nice, but like, would you want to say that out loud? Sean?

What? Did Hayes' role model to me? Hmm. There's nothing wrong with that. I think everyone, I think it'd be pretty cool. You want me to say that Hayes, you want, what do you want me to say? You just want me to say that Hayes is what do you want me to say? You just want me to say that Hayes is some kind of role model?

Yeah, yeah. I'm your best friend. And so what is this? I'll tell you, I got a role model out in the driveway, a 57 Chevelle. You wanna be like a cop? Oh boy, that model will roll, mama. Straight down mainstream.

So what is this, Tom? You get in the middle of two guys and yeah, I do. And then I get you send stuff like stuff like sends through one and like comes through the other and WID WID she won. That looks a chill with a human centipede. That's your whole deal, bro. That's my big deal. That's the big deal and the most of the deal. Out of the deal.

That's what I do. And I feel like I've done it with you guys a little bit. You feel closer? Bye. That was a hate gum podcast. Hey gorge, it's me got mech. And me violet tchotchke. Hollywood Handbook. all things fashion, hookups, gossip, and more. With past guests such as Heidi Klum and Deedavon Tease, No Gorge always keeps things hot. Listen to No Gorge on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube.

New episodes every Thursday. Bye, Gorge. Hi, I'm Jessi Klein. And I'm Liz Feldman. And we're the hosts of a new Head and Gum podcast called Here to Make Friends. Liz and I met in the writer's room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder. But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s.

Which can really happen, and it has happened to us! It's true! Because life has imitated ours! And then it imitated life! Time is a flat circle! And now, we're making a podcast that's about making friends. And we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Barrett. Wow, I have so much to say.

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