Hollywood Handbook - Tom Scharpling Again, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: August 10, 2015

Hayes and Sean applaud the Suicide Squad movie for a brave choice. Then TOM SCHARPLING returns to correct the mistakes of his infamous first appearance on the show, speak on Monk, do the Popcorn Gallery, and debut a potential new podcast with a hot new co-host.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And she's holding her can and she goes, sorry, boys, just needed to obey my thirst. And I go, then why are you holding a 7-up? You know, because it's like, I mean, and I didn't, you know, a lot of people I wouldn't destroy like that. I know that you had to, but it just makes me feel like that. Well, it's like all lemon lime sodas are the same. Yeah, un-colas. Please, they're not. And so it's like, you know, if she had said something about that spot character, I'd be on board more than anyone. Right. You know,

he's a hero of mine. He's like Joe Cool without all the baggage. And that's right. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Hair Buckets. I just got to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet line back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? You've been reading in the news about a scary new movie, The Suicide Squad. And that trailer should be illegal. Or they should only have it in Germany or something. You can go there if you want that sick stuff. Have you heard some of the things they do over there?

In Germany? Oh. Have you heard some of the things they do over there? In Germany? Oh. You read about this movie and how the subject matter they're dealing with in this movie is very serious, very dark. As dark as it gets. And so what they've done is they've hired an on-set psychiatrist to help the actors deal with these characters that they're... And the depths which they're exploring and the recesses of their mind,

these little tunnels that we don't normally travel into. Because the idea of living inside Captain Boomerang's world, that you get a stain on you at some point. And that doesn't wash out. You can't put club soda on that. At some point, how much of you is Jay Courtney and how much is Captain Boomerang? Yes, and which elements are Jay and which elements are Captain Boomerang

and how can you decipher when you're with your kids? Yes, when you look in the mirror. Am I going to suddenly boomerang one of them in the face? And it's a real question. It's a real challenge for these people, and they have to somehow decompress. And so they've started having these on-set therapists. And if I could, about this film briefly,

didn't we have enough mean monsters that at least, and this is the first nice thing you'll hear me say about frankenstein at least when i see frankenstein i know that he's a bad guy but one of these superheroes they got in this cage in this trailer has like a body like a real woman yeah Yeah. And I get confused about how to feel because I find out she's doing some bad mean stuff and like what a wolfman might do or Dracula and killing. But when I look at her, she looked like she built for something else. And with Frankenstein, there's no confusing sexual play. No. Mm-hmm.

I mean, I know you're going to say, well, what about Bride of? She has that hair. You don't like that. Well, it's just a clear indicator. But you like it on Marge. Is it just a color difference? Yes. You don't have to get into the Marge thing.

But anyway, so they invent this one, and then we were talking about Captain Boomerang, though. Yeah. Just speaking for me personally, I support this. I'm glad that these resources are available now because there was a time— I support the therapy. I support the therapy. That's what I'm saying because there was a time when you couldn't talk about this stuff out loud, and that's why we got what happened with Heath Ledger you know some people say that he had a very serious

drug addiction going into that movie no no no it was trying to be it was putting on the makeup living in the clown mind of the joker and yes and and embracing chaos like that. Yes. And not having an analyst to talk to him on the way out. And they talk about when Jim Carrey played the Grinch. He still hasn't fully shed that character. And he used to go home, put a knife in his mouth. Well, go they... Go ahead. What? He's going from shooting the Grinch,

and the darkness of that character, he'd take a sharp knife and just kind of rest it in his mouth. Oh, yeah. That was just his way of coping with it. Now, he would smear a big goop of peanut butter on it first. Right. But that's still pretty dangerous. Well, otherwise it's all cold and tastes like metal.

Oh, yes. Yeah. And he'd fall asleep with a knife in his mouth. Just in case, if he could feel the Grinch taking over, then he would be able to pound on the back of the handle and drive it straight through the back of his neck. Yes. And I think if you watch some of the deleted scenes or making of featurettes around the

Grinch, the Grinch is the one with all the vaccine problems. And he's never really been able to escape that mentality. And that's a little piece. That's a little seed that still lives inside him. Yes. Yes. That's still in there. Or like when Jason Alexander played Boris Badenov in the Rocky at Bowler movie.

He says in that movie, in the gag reel, if he says, if I seem to have turned, if I turn, kill me. I need you to kill me on the spot. Do it for me. Do it for my family. If Boris takes over, that's it. Because they didn't have these resources. They weren't able to talk to us.

Yes, there was no analyst there. Yes, like Captain Boomerang is now. Yeah. Well, I remember when Alan Cumming played Nightcrawler and just the idea of disappearing and reappearing. And he said, I remember he said to me one night, we were having pasta. And he said, sometimes I want to disappear and not reappear in a pool or something. And think about that.

And shouldn't he have been able to talk to an analyst and not me? Because I had a mouthful of pasta. I couldn't even respond to tell him that it would be okay. Disappear and not reappear in a pool? I see. He wants to, yes, he wants to go into the bottom part of a pool. Maybe swim through the filter or something. I don't know.

I mean, I couldn't take it all apart. And I don't know because I've never occupied a role quite like that. Right. What's the scariest rabbit hole you've gone down? Was it Bugs Bunny? hole you've gone down was it Bugs Bunny? Hmm. For me, that's not as

scary because he is such a merry prankster. And so there's always this sort of glee and the irreverence there to kind of be able to laugh at himself. So for me, I guess it

was scarier when I had to be in that Cheaper by the Dozen movie. And I wish we'd had a therapist on set for that. Yeah. Because a lot of those children were sexual deviants. Yes. And I'm not saying Hillary Duff when I say that, but I'm not not saying Hillary Duff when I say that.

And so, just the idea of all those kids in that family and just – And you're a park ranger who's trying to – Trying to wrangle them all and the implication that ultimately some of those kids are going to have to be put down. That's on screen, but it's obviously going to happen. It's too much for that house. I think that was cut – I mean, I guess you were in it. but it's obviously going to happen. It's too much for that house. So knowing that.

I think that was cut. I mean, I guess you were in it, but I always assumed that they just cut that scene because at the end of the movie, well, it goes there's 12 at the beginning. Yeah. And then there's seven and then four. Yeah.

And you never see, they're just not there yeah and they are and they're being invited into my cabin during the during the scenes that wound up on the cutting room floor and it's a time issue and some other things but um the way that some of them met their end was pretty gruesome was Was it like a cutting room? Is that in the cabin? Yes, the cabin has a cutting room floor. And just the nefarious tools that I had designed for that film. I don't really like to think about it.

What's the scariest thing you've done in terms of your brain getting molded into the shape of a madman? Boy. And it's like you say, I don't love thinking about it. Well, we had no analyst on set. So to go back to that time. I guess it would be the guy who was on U-571 who gets blown off with a cannonball. Sometimes, you know, you're like, you know, that moment where you're like drifting off to sleep. You can feel yourself like, okay. Kermit sings about it. Imagine just before you reach the point of sleep, in your mind, a cannonball is hurtling into your face.

Yeah. And so now you're up. Now you're awake. Now your girlfriend is up. Your kids're up. Now you're awake. Now your girlfriend is up. Your kids are up. You know, because you've got to bring everyone close after something like that happens to you. Well, you've got to get your kids in there to hug you. But also, yes, I was going to say also to be sort of cannonball interference.

A human shield. Mm-hmm. Yes. to be sort of cannonball interference. A human shield. Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah, because there was no one there to say, like,

this is a character, this is a movie. If only we'd had a therapist to talk about and go, like, for them to say, well, you're reading lines from a script, and you kind of knew that, and a lot of the way you look is makeup and stuff. Right. And this is a guy, you know, this is a comic book character. There's no reason to take it to this insanely dark place. This is for children.

It's almost silly. Yeah. So that if that had been there, because what we had to do was just sort of seal off these memories and throw away the key. And now they're seeping back out. And I think you hear that we're getting chills. Ah! Okay, well, I did that to myself. Picturing when I was being that park ranger again.

We have a great segment coming up. Tom Sharpling is back. He was on the show a few weeks ago. And we have talked since then, and we all agree that it would be good to take another stab at his appearance. We both had things that we would... Yeah, yes.

I think he embarrassed himself, and I think that... But we have some stuff that I think we could have done better as well. Oh, gosh, yes. I have had better ideas since. And that's coming right up on Hollywood Handbook. So, I'm in the office with Eve, six. And the teacher's like So well

Speak up Tell me what happened And I'm like Well none of these guys Are going to talk about it I will They said they wanted to go To be pushed

On the swing So it went all the way around Uh huh They asked me to do that Yeah And they're sitting There's the three of them All stacked up on the one.

On the one swing. On the one. So I push Max Collins, lead singer. He's on the bottom. Yeah. He's not holding on enough, so he just shoots out the front. From under the other two. Yes.

And they drop down? The other two drop down falling in different directions both sort of flipping so they land on their heads the swing doesn't move at all uh-huh yeah he slid straight off well he's always wearing slippery pants and so they got suspension good that's good. And I got an A+. One time Max is playing with a slinky out there, and he starts shooting it out straight. And it hit me on my neck, gave a red mark. And we go to principal, and he says, Mac says, just tell him we were playing together. And I go, no, you were playing and hurt my neck.

Well, I wound up getting the attention. He told Principal that I punched him first. And believe me, if I had punched him first, you would know it. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. I'm not done, Hayes. Yeah, forget it. I don't want to get into this. No, no, no, no, no, finish.

I honestly did think you were. No, it's. It felt like a sort of a coda on the story. But you were saying if you had punched Max Collins, then people would know. You were, it felt like a sort of a coda on the story. But you were saying if you had punched Max Collins, then people would know. Yeah, you would know it. Because I would have said that in the story. Right.

And you got detention. Yeah. And there was something else you wanted to say. Joke's on them. I got some great work done in there. So go ahead. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We don't need a long introduction for this. Everyone has heard the last episode we did with Tom Sharpling. And you can hear it in the episode. It's not

going to be a surprise to anyone that this is one that we would like another shot at. We'd like a do-over, yeah. Tom is here. Say hi, Tom. Hi. Tom came on our... Already I feel the attitude

so much more positive. It's better. It really is better. Tom came on our show. He has a podcast. We were trying to help him find a home for the podcast, potentially on the Earwolf network, being willing to introduce him to the people. And this was prior to the Scripps acquisition, actually,

if you can remember. It's honestly insane. A pre-Scripps podcasting world. What was it like beforescripts yes what was it like before scripts came in back in the stone age before we had all these resources that scripts has provided uh it's really and the cash it's night and day yeah oh yeah well the cash is nice i like what the cash buys me so tom Tom came in. We had this conversation. I think we both have things we want to apologize for.

Tom let his temper get out of control. He acted like he didn't know who Seth Godin was. Yes. Yes. I recall that. That I actually did not know who he was. Let's not start this way. Yes. I recall that. That, I actually did not know who he was. Let's not start this way. Okay.

In golf, it's a mulligan, right? Is that what they call it? Like you take a mulligan when you're just like, we're just going to do this over? Right. Right? Yes. So we're just taking a mulligan on that last- Named after?

Jerry Mulligan from- Cary Mulligan. From who? Cary Mulligan. It's let Carrie Mulligan from who? Carrie. It's pronounced Carrie. Yes. Harry, Carrie from she's done Letterman, but she has,

she's in an education. I know. I sort of consider her Carrie Mugglin, Morgan from Letterman in drive. If you remember the appearance, she was in love with the silent scorpion man. And so we would like another crack at it. And hopefully we find a scorpion man of our own during this to sort of brood and inspire.

Now, I'd like to start just, I want to apologize. And Tom, this is to you. Stop touching the things. But, so this is from me to you. I'm sorry I didn't realize, I think, at the time, what a baby you were and how... Oh, this is... Go on. Nope.

And how much you would fly off the handle over the smallest suggestion. And I could have used more tact maybe in making suggestions that were positive that would have made things better for you. But I could have done it in a way that didn't imply you had done something wrong. Okay. You know what? In the spirit of just being big, I accept your apology. Thank you. For me, this is a question of research, I guess.

I didn't realize going in that you invented Monk. And for you to have come on here and for us not to discuss – The defective detective? Yes. To go into all the mysteries you devised, to not deal with that aspect of your career, that must have been very disorienting for you. That you didn't take – you didn't show the proper respect for the entire body of work. Yes. For the canon.

It was a little hurtful. Yes. Yes. I mean, I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting a little bit. But thank you. I appreciate your apology. Because this character you create – for people who don't know. I didn't create the character.

Oh. I was a staffer on the show. But you invented a lot of his moves. I contributed writing to the show, sure. You were the one that said he should be all fucked up weird, right? That was not me, no. You made him a detective? Not me either, no. I came on after that. You knew Sh a detective? Not me either.

No. I came on after that. You knew Shalhoub. I didn't. And I currently do. That's nice. It is nice. Did Monk overlap with him doing Men in Black?

It did not. He looked crazy in that. Is that Monk? Is that the same universe? Well, this, yes. The looked crazy in that. Is that Monk? Is that the same universe? Well, this, yes. The Blackiverse? Yes. Is that part of...

Are we supposed to wonder if his head's going to balloon? No, no, no. He's not an alien running a pawn shop on Monk. He's an Earthling on Monk. And there are no aliens on Monk. But that's an earthling on Monk. And there are no aliens on Monk. But that isn't what he would say. If he was the alien, he would say that.

Until somebody gunned his head explode. Yeah, has to blow up and then like, oh great. If he was, Monk would not see this is we're off. No, this is stupid again already. Let's talk about S5E14, Mr. Monk visits a farm.

Yeah. E14 would make that, that's, we're talking season five, episode 14. S5E14, yes. Okay, so that would be. Disher retires yes so now we're if it's 14 then we're five into the back seven um sure he does not seem if i could say and i don't recall this episode specifically but i imagine he's not suited to farm life it's a little messy in that environment is it not well he's trying to probably

find some peace and quiet from all these murder mysteries he needs to be solving well see this is i didn't come here to talk about specific episodes of a thing i did oh that i couldn't even i couldn't i don't remember any of it okay forget specific episodes any hanky-panky between him and that assistant uh no no no no is this like some sort of like monk gotcha thing now it's like it's weird because you guys clearly don't know anything about it but you're trying to like catch me on on like a loophole this is genuine curiosity i don't know what you're talking about. This is genuine curiosity. We've got three adult men in here, and are we going to talk about sex or what? I mean, we're talking monk.

He's got a female assistant. You never wondered if there was any hanky-panky? I knew there wasn't. Okay. It didn't fit the storyline. All right, all right. So I guess this is just part of our larger endeavor with you, finding areas of strength, knowledge,

to figure out what your ideal show should be, right? I mean, isn't that still sort of our mission here? Yeah, we don't want you to have to retire early like Disher. our mission here. Yeah, we don't want you to have to retire early like Disher. And that is, you have to admit, monk knowledge is probably your number one.

What you're bringing to the table. That's the biggest asset that we can identify thus far. I'd have to go back to school on it. If I remember correctly, season... Well, that I do know is Seth, what is it, Godin or Groden?

Seth Groden, yeah, right. Is it, which, it's Godin. Yes. And he writes what, like money books? Goding me to get upset. He writes money books or something? Yes, he writes money books. Okay.

Big pitch, Monk Punks. We've seen the success of Gilmore Girls. We've seen these recap shows, Go Bayside. All they do is just watch a show and say what. But imagine, and you don't have to work too hard, you watch the show and say what is what happened, but you actually worked there and in part created it. So I would just do episodes.

My show, The Best Show, which is like a comedy call-in show, like a fun thing, would now turn into recapping a TV series I worked on episode by episode. Well, these other guys are only in front of the scenes, whereas you come from a perspective. Like I remember when we were doing Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized that when I heard we were getting What's-His-Face to play the shrink in it. The guy from West Wing. What's the guy from West Wing? Oh, Richard Schiff.

Yeah. When I heard Richard Schiff was on board, then it's like, all right, well, let's look at these lines again coming out of his mouth versus just what we came up with in the room. Let's shift it up. Yeah, that's exactly what I— Let's shift up the dialogue. I do think we said that. It's a paradigm shift. So, yeah, so that's what you're saying.

The show—I would not do that show, no. That would be—that's not the show I would. You signed an NDA? No, I didn't. On the last day of Monk, not allowed to tell Monk secrets? So you know what an NDA is? Yes. It's a, what does it stand for?

Because I've done, I'm going to say. This is a trap. Well, let me just say this. He's trying to get me to. Oh, yes. He's trying to get me to say a word. He wants you to say. That I'm not allowed to say.

Like doing attitude. Again, we've done this before. I did my homework on you guys since the last time I was here. And it's like in the movie Patton. You ever see the movie Patton? Yeah. I read your book. I read your book.

Remember when he said. Oswald? No. Yeah, where he's like a giant and he gets beat up. Oh, right. No, that's a movie called Big Fan. Okay. Oh, so that's what you're a big fan of ours is what you're getting at. Look, I'm not regretting this yet, being back here.

I still think we can pull this out. We're still on the runway. The apologies from you guys were nice. Still doing a modeling show. Well, no, not that kind of runway. Oh, yes. Oh, right. Okay, you would rather recap Project Runway.

Go all the way back through. Remember the wild personalities, Santino and the like. Doing your Tim Gunn. Do your Tim Gunn real quick for us, Tom. I don't do impressions. Sorry. Well, we found another weakness and we just have to find a way to mask it.

Sure, sure. Does he just leave like that? Engineer Cody? Yeah. That's really distracting. And he leaves the door open. Leaves the door open, changing the quality of the sound significantly. I've come to accept just an unspoken thing that it's a bowel issue and just not mention it. The room tone.

I thought he had a roast in the oven. Because the frequency that she's running off to the kitchen. He's got to check on the roast. Yeah. Maybe just glaze it again or something. Because it just feels different now in here. It's like I hear street noise. But as I was saying, I read your book, so to speak.

I know the story of you guys now, too. So this is a different kind of dance this time. We're an open book. I can hold my own against you guys and kind of throw stuff right back at you this time. All right, lay something on me. Is that a scratch-off ticket over there? What is that? Yes, we give these.

People deserve them. Are those the prank ones where you win? A snake pops out. No, not a snake. It doesn't jump out of the scratch-off ticket. Spray ink on you. No, it's the ones where it says you win, and then the person's jumping around the room. Because it's so hot in their mouth?

Well, no, because the ticket says, because it's fake underneath the screen. Fake dog doo, yeah. No, it's not fake dog doo. It's fake underneath the screen. Fake dog doo, yeah. No, it's not fake dog doo. It's, okay. It's like you scratch it off. It says like you win, and then it says just like, ha-ha, just kidding. And then you film the person. And then you pull a string, and it comes away, and they're trying to pick it up. No, that would be in addition to what was underneath the.

Ah, yes. Okay. So is that one of those tickets? Is this the book that you read? No, no, no. This is. It is paper, but. Yeah. Okay. So is that one of those tickets? Is this the book that you read? No, no, no. This is... It is paper, but it's... Yeah.

This is just... It has words, but it's flat paper. I'm just trying to hold my own here with this without feeling like... It was weird. You came at us like you figured us out now and you were going to lay some heavy stuff, but then you just asked him if it was a scratch-off ticket. Now... I was trying to knock him off long way around i was trying to just knock him off his game a little bit haze but it didn't it maybe didn't track as much because you guys i've never seen him get rattled he's like um

hitch uh-huh but i can do the same to you too too. Oh, I don't know. I mean, what are those, sunglasses over there? Hey, hold on. Now, wait a damn second. Okay, listen, when we had you back here. I mean, we're inside and you brought. You come into my studio. Well, Scripps' studio.

But that I scheduled time in. And you're attacking the thing on my table that i wear and just shield my eyes it's california uh-huh they couldn't sit in the car oh jesus uh-huh i'm really fucking steamed now oh i didn't want to have to do this, Tom. Yeah. But it might be time to fight fire with fire. Uh-oh. So how come when you're doing monk... Which I haven't done in a long time.

Yeah, exactly. See, that's how come. Thank you. Yeah, wake up. Do some monk for once. Get back in. Yeah, exactly. That's how come. Thank you. Yeah. Wake up. Do some Monk for once. Get back in. Yeah. Do some Monk. At least that's something.

To be fair, look, to be fair, the sunglass thing was a low blow. So I do apologize for that. It is California. I'm sorry, Sean. It's safer to have them. So, yeah, I apologize for that. for that the scratch off tickets i'm still a little puzzled by like is that like a it's a treat it's just a treat just like you just like after you a hard podcast you scratch off some tickets to kind of blow off some steam it's a

gift for guests you actually get something when you do this show not like when when people go and do monk punks and you don't give them anything. I wouldn't know that because I didn't get one last time. But that was pre-scripts. Number one, I'm not sure you earned it last time. And it's not necessarily that they weren't here. Some of the stuff that you said last time was, let's just face it. What? Like, yeah.

Dumb stuff. last time was let's just face it what like yeah dumb stuff we also the way i mean the thing we can do with these is cody can if he like rubs his face on these he has a specific kind of human grease that where you can see what's underneath the cards without scratching it off and then it fades away and if you don't scratch it you can return it okay well what about what if what about this if he doesn't wash the grease for a while would it get strong enough to go to like one of the lottery ticket vending machines and could you see through it inside like through the glass like could the grease march in there on its own power yeah and then you'd be like all right let's just buy those and don't buy those because there's a bunch of losers yeah we want the third ticket the eighth ticket we want 12 tickets after that and it's the grease telling us the secrets so the grease marches off his face

stomps inside the little case sort of of dances across the tickets, then comes back and climbs in Cody's ear and tells him the secrets. This sounds like a good thing. Yeah, like, and does the grease come back or is it just gone once it goes off his face? See, well, this is the painful thing about it. It can't survive on its own. Okay. It's got a very short time span. Sure, like Osmosis Jones.

Like that kind of thing. Exactly like Osmosis Jones. So you have seen it. I have. Part of why we arranged to do this again the way we did is because what maybe we're looking for with you

is a partner. You're hosting the show essentially solo. Solo, yeah. Talking to an invisible friend or something. The listenership, I call it. So you call it the listenership. So how about this? You're dressed as a pirate captain.

Maybe even Jack Sparrow. We tied in with some of that stuff. Oh, so you're being super literal with the listener shit. It just gave me an idea for some kind of hook for the show. Because honestly, you've talked about your show a few times, and I can't picture it. Okay, well, you're just supposed to listen to it and not necessarily picture it. Oh, please. I mean, maybe I should just focus on, maybe I should be wearing sunglasses while I do

it or something. Tom! That would... You know what? Tom. I'll tell you what this isn't going to be. What's that? This isn't going to be you apologizing for saying something about my sunglasses and then

saying something else about my sunglasses. I promise that's not the game. And if it happens one more time, I'm not going to be held responsible for what I do. And scripts and nobody else is going to be able to protect you. So I can't hide behind this pile of money? Yeah, they got to get rid of this. Should that be in here? Yeah, I mean, I guess it's like from the, I see like Jeff, Jeff Robert comes in and takes

out just a little bit at a time. I don't know why he can't just like take the whole, you know, get some people in here. He's got that little tiny, I don't want to call it a purse, but he's got a very small carrying case for the money, and he can only fit so much in there. Yes. It's like a fashion thing or something, but he has a very, very small pouch that he's putting the money in,

and I wish he would get something bigger because it's very strange to have it in here all the time. And I don't want to be held responsible. And I can, I mean, for me, it's, you know, like I've seen money, but for someone like engineer Cody to be like, he has to be here like smelling it all day. If he finds out what it is and what it could do with it, that's trouble. Tom, what about Cody? Yeah.

What about him? I'm just looking at you guys sitting together, and I just see, like, is this it? Is this what it is? Is this a combination? So pairing me with Cody. What about that? Who would do what role on the show? Well, let's see.

Oh, okay. Yeah, let's hear what it might sound like okay let's enter let's just do testing yeah let's just do um the podcast of you guys let's just kind of play it out is my sound still going cody yeah and what are we doing here which which well first it's kind of hard to see this is the computer monitors. Yeah, let's keep it that way, actually. This is how we find it sometimes. You know, we just play it out and we see what works. Okay.

So let's just do it from the top. It's the Tom and Cody Show at 777 AL. That's back again that i thought we said here's tom eggs hey everybody welcome back to the to the show it's clock on the walls telling me it's 777 i hope everybody's gonna have a great day today. It's real sunny out there. You might want to, if you're going to be driving, I'm not going to say you want to drive without anything on your eyes. You might want to think about something to help protect your vision from getting hit in the sun in your eyes. They sell these things called glasses that people wear for

when they have vision problems they sell these things now that don't correct your vision but they protect your eyes from the sun they are called sunglasses and uh you really might want to check them out there are all sorts of enough and this is what you do you're falling into your old pattern i'm still i'm still this is what i'm saying let's throw it over to cody yeah he's cody he's raising his hand sunglasses sun shades yeah you sure you want to be on that side of this thing code oh baby i'm already here yeah thank you cody what's it like cody, when you see one of these dipshits walking down Sunset Boulevard with their sunglasses on? Don't you just want to throw a brick in their face? Ring their little necks.

Brick in my face, little neck? This better not be about me. So the topic today is sunglasses and the douches who wear them. The number is, what's the number here? 1-800-EARWOLF. 1-800-EARWOLF. Let's go to the phones right now. Sorry, I think it's actually Scripps.

It's 1-800-Scripps. Scripps? Is it S-C-R-I-P-T-S? Just put as many Ps in to get seven numbers. To get to the seven, okay. 1-800-S? Just put as many Ps in to get seven numbers. To get to the seven. Okay. Yeah. 1-800-SCRIPTS.

Let's go to the phones right now. We've got Hayes from Los Angeles calling in. Hey, welcome to the show. Hi. Well, no, that's supposed to... No, I'm curious. I'm curious to see where this is going. Fine.

No, look, I can do this. I guess the show... I sort of like this version where Cody plays all of the callers as well. All right. Hey, we got Hayes from Hollywood on the line. What's going on, Hayes? Oh, hi. I'm Hayes.

I like sunglasses too. Why are you talking to my friend? Wait, wears them sometimes. What's wrong with him? Now, Hayes, you're the host or co-host of a show called Hollywood Handbook. Is that correct? That's true. Yeah. And you do it with uh who's the guy you do it with sean clements uh-huh sean wear sunglasses he does and what do you think about that this is about me this is about me two things okay all right i'm hanging i'm hanging guy. Yeah. So, Cody, how do you think those calls went?

You know, not great. I think we should change the number here. The whole backstory with the sunglasses, with Sean's sunglasses, it's Blues Brothers. It's just Blues Brothers. He wants to be one of the Blues Brothers. Uh-huh. Because it's L... Who is it?

If you look at history... Jake, Elwood... There's Blue Brothers and Blues Brothers 2000. B-B-Y-2-huh. Because it's L, who is it? If you look at history. It's Jake, Elwood. There's Blue Brothers and Blue Brothers 2000. BBY2K. And I feel like there must be another one coming. If you just look mathematically. It's a pattern thing. You could, look, I'm not in the game the way you guys are.

Because the BBY2K had a little kid. You pull a vacation, you're that kid grown up now and you're trying to get the blues brothers back together again and if you crunch the numbies on this stuff you're going to find out that we're not that far off from it being time for another i i don't know what it'll be if it's b2K3O. If you look at the ancient Blues Brothers calendar, it does. Yes. It all points to pretty soon. And so if I'm not ready, then anyone could just swoop in and become the role that I was meant to play because I love the blues. And it's such a rich expression and to have two white guys in sunglasses with hats on

representing the blues the way it was meant to be saying doing the bluesiest thing there is which is the splits so if if i could be a part of something like that, then it would make this whole wild journey worth it to me. So I'm sorry for then teasing you about the sunglasses. So that was about me? Earlier? The stuff with Cody and all that? Are you going to flip out if I say it was? I'm cool as a cucumber, baby.

It was all about you. Wow. It was meant about you. Wow. It was meant to hurt. Wow. And it was to hurt me? Wow. Something's welling up inside of me, and I'm putting it back down, and I don't want to taz out on you guys.

And I second that. You don't want him to taz out on you. Okay. And I can't, because I used to taz out in the studio sometimes before Scripps owned all the microphones. And so it was a little safer. And now they just shut off. If your levels go too high, the mics just have like a governor on them

that they just click off so you know better. Yeah, so what I'm doing is trying to control it through some of my breathing exercises. Second thing, which could help your blues, harmonica playing. Hum, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum. Sorry, are you hearing those breathing exercises on mic? Well. Are those coming through on mic? It's better than the alternative Which is you becoming a tornado

Here's the other thing about The show That for me is why this is maybe not going to work It's Cody's Show He's eating your lunch Really? When it's you and Cody It's Cody's show. He's eating your lunch. Really?

When it's you and Cody, it's like you are like lifts in his shoes, basically. So you like support him a little bit. Yeah, yeah. And you make his legs look a little longer. I didn't see it that way at all. And his calves look nicer. Yeah. But what it's, but what it is, the show

is Cody's. Uh-huh. Yeah, thanks, Tom. He blew you off my ears, I guess, in this way where then when you would speak afterwards, I would feel pretty pissed that you were stealing Cody's shine.

That I was just saying anything. Yeah, because really I wanted Cody to have a little more runway. Is this why you don't work with a partner in general? No, this is – all right, see, we're all the way back where we were last time, but it's somehow even worse this time because it's making less sense than it did last time also. Oh, okay. So you're saying that I, grease face over here, no offense. I mean, is that something you're into?

Grease nose is really, it's mostly coming from his nose. So I did the thing. It's mostly coming from his nose. So I did the thing. He missed every cue and kind of thing I was leading him to in terms of anything having to do with comedy. And then he ate my lunch. You put your sunglasses on now. So this is now.

I just had a feeling. Uh-huh. Okay. And now this character is the baby blues. This is baby blues grown up now? Mm-hmm. Yeah, like Rusty from Vacation. Mm-hmm.

Well, that movie's in there. Don't spoil. That's the end of the movie where he turns out to be Rusty. Wait. Baby Blues is Rusty? No, it's at the end of the Vacation movie. Oh, Tom. Yeah.

Oh, at the end of the Vacation movie, they reveal that Ed Helms is actually Anthony Michael Hall. Yes. Okay. Does Anthony Michael Hall come in at the end? Do they, like, morph or something? Ed Helms' character stole his family. So it's like the gift. Yeah. It's got a twist.

Yeah, and, like, he shows up at the end because Ed Helms was leading the family into a trap, into, like like this shit pool and Anthony Michael Hall appears to but he's too late they've already taken some of the shit water in their mouths and like spat it out and stuff and then they find some toilet

paper and then Anthony Michael Hall's too late which no one would do that in a normal pool to spit water just take some water in their mouths and just spit it into the air? You don't do that? You're not just enjoying that you're in some water? When I'm like three feet away from other people, do I just spit water out that they're going to be swimming in? You don't gargle the pool water?

It's just fun to be in the water. I don't, no. Is that an LA thing? Is that like a Hollywood thing? That you just gargle pool water? It's a people thing, brother. Okay, well, I guess I'm not your kind of people then, brother. The sunglasses being on your forehead is like Baby Blues and Sean are here.

They're sharing the same face. And that's what I wanted to kind of get across to Tom, if he is able to reconcile that idea. Now, Tom, the last time you were here, you brought up frontal torpedoes a lot. I think that was exclusively... Women and frontal torpedoes. I didn't say anything about that, and you guys said everything about that.

And now you mentioned The Gift. And there is a movie coming out now called The Gift, but there was a movie before called The Gift, which featured Katie Holmes' frontal torpedoes on top of a car. And I have a feeling that's what you're talking about. And I have a feeling you brought it up just so you could say that you like that scene. So let's get it out of the way and try to move back to more reasonable themes. Let's do the popcorn gallery. Okay see this is one this is what i mean by me knowing your thing this is the segment yes so this is what you were building up to

i thought it was called hot dog gallery last time and i've since learned it's called popcorn hot dog fixation yes so you guys the whole thing like frontal torpedoes. I'm starting to think of this like is like some kind of analogy for breasts. Yes. That's what I put together after the show last time. Between the two of you. I've said I've never said that ever. And the hot like the hot.

That's like a phallic thing. It all has these like layers that I I have honestly no desire to even explore. Well, not in this weird roundabout way. It's like we're all grown-ups. I don't even know if that's true, that we're all grown-ups. We don't know how old Engineer Cody Boy is. The Popcorn Gallery, it's is. The Popcorn Gallery. It's time for the Popcorn Gallery.

It's a segment on Hollywood Handbook. Let's do some questions from our listeners. Oh, so there are questions this time. Yes, we did get some questions for you because last time you were like, oh, Nick Kroll got questions. Like, shouldn't I get the same treatment as Nick Kroll yeah you're a baby about it

I wasn't what I wasn't a baby about it okay all you guys have done is I don't think I even said that needle me

and trick me and then I give it back to you guys one tenth of what you've given and then I'm worried that you're gonna to taz out. You're like threatening me with violence, basically, which is –

I never said – we can take it to court. Taz out? I never said anything about becoming violent. Well, you said you're going to taz. I said I hope I don't taz out. I hope you don't, which is threatening me even more hey if you're scared of me being you know taz and out uh-huh but like that's a reasonable feeling to have but i never said i never threatened any kind of specific physical violence i think i said i

might destroy the microphones uh-huh which is physical violence oh please you're a microphone now you wish that's are there questions i mean well i mean i honestly want to like get this idea like that you are a microphone it's pretty funny honestly in your dreams not in a million years. Here's a question from Superman. Superman, okay. Yeah. The question is eggs. What's not to get, bro? And this is Superman asking me this question. Yes.

Well, I would say to him I'm glad your whole planet blew up and all your relatives are dead. Dodging the question. And this is a big thing. And also not all his relatives are dead. He has a sister and a dog.

This deflection, you know what I mean? It's this defense mechanism that you have that I wish we could somehow break through. You want to move the target a little bit. You don't want to face. There's something you don't get. And Superman knows that. And now it's like you make it a comic book thing. What?

Okay. Say that question was asked to you then, Hayes. Yeah. What's not to get? Well, how would you answer that? Well, it wouldn't be asked to me because I get it. The understanding is that I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that you don't. So you get it. Obviously, Sean must get it then. And Grease Nose over here gets it. Totally get it. Right? No, I get it too. I get it too.

If he can say I get it, then I guess there's no floor on any of this. I get it too i get it too if he can say i get it then i guess there's no floor on any of this i get it too here's a question and this is actually something i've been wondering for a while this is from hunch hondo dear ton do you prefer to stay under the shadows of other bigger more famous tv and movies people because you're allergic to the sun or because you're afraid to take big chances? Wait, hold the... So the question is, why do you make the choice to take a backseat to other more famous people? Such as? And to basically remain anonymous. Like who?

Who am I taking a backseat to? Pete Holmes. Yeah, Pete Holmes. Brown Oler. Brown Oler. How am I taking a backseat to? Pete Holmes. Yeah, Pete Holmes. Brown Oler. Brown Oler. How am I taking a backseat to? Greasenose. Pretty fair.

He's not wrong. So I'm behind Greasenose now. That's a great example, yes. Greasenose is a really great example. Uh-huh. Because. Why in just like your short interaction with Greasenose? You really let him drive the bus and you basically

kind of like were like, I think this is my stop and you made them stop the bus and you like got off the bus and he kind of ran away with it. Well, I don't even, look, I don't know two things about Pete Holmes. I think you missed my stop back there. I mean, that was kind of you on the bus. What were you going to say about Pete Holmes? Everyone knows

two things about Pete Holmes. He's raised Catholic and he's in therapy. You don't know. You don't know. Well, now I do. Oh, give me a break. I don't know. Does he love life?

Read Podmass. Read a news book every once in a while. Read Podmass. What's that? That's the AV Club thing. Yeah. No, I'm not going to. Who writes the Podmas things?

Like Eakin? I see that name over there. Oh, all the big hitters. Yeah, they have sort of a rotating cast of players. I think Ta-Nehisi Coates is doing some now. Name a journalist. Yeah. Yeah.

And they're probably doing something with Podmas. And do they focus on you guys? I think Bob Woodward did one recently. Bob Woodward's doing it. Whatmas. And do they focus on you guys? I think Bob Woodward did one recently. Bob Woodward's doing it. What kind of shine do they give this show over there? Jack McCollum did a great... What kind of shine do they give this one? Yeah, yeah.

We're kind of post-Podmas in a way. Don't you feel that, Hayes? So, okay. It's about... So if they contacted you, you guys would just say like we'll we'll pass they have a segment called we see what you said there uh-huh which is great quotes imagine opening the door where this show is eligible for we see what you said there at all sure and then trying to pick one thing that where you see what we said because it's sort of. Trying to pick one thing where you see what we said.

Because it's sort of a like, I don't know if you're familiar with the style of joke, but there's sort of like, someone will do a cleverness and commit that, and then someone else will go, I see what you did there. Or even better, the person committing the cleverness will go,

see what I did there? Right. And so they're playing off that. But this time you're saying something. With said. Which is technically what was happening in the original version. Oh, yes. In the original version, it was always that they were saying it.

But this is an improvement on that. It's a more accurate portrayal of what's actually going on. And legally, it's more protectable. It's iron more accurate portrayal of what's actually going on. And legally, it's more protectable. It's Iron Man. Yes. It's Iron Man. But if you open the door, even just a little squeaky little creak, in order to sort of draw a single cleverness out of

any given episode let's say the Nick Thune episode of our program you're suddenly going to find that you're under an avalanche of sort of if you can picture a cartoon character opening a closet and the tennis racket falls and the bowling ball

bonks his head and all the different pieces because there's so much inside. You might be good on a Pop Mass thing. They'd be pulling some of the Grease Nose's stuff. So Grease Nose would- And that gets you press. Grease Nose, but he didn't say, did you see what I said there at the end of any of his quips?

So does that make them ineligible? They're plugging that in. Oh, so it'll say like, you see what I said there as the header. Then it'll say. The header says, we see what you said there. And at the end of each quote, they plug in. It'll say, like, that lottery ticket's worth 75 bucks. Let's buy that roll.

Did you see what I said there? Did you see what I said there what i said then dash dash grease nose comma it's kind of like in it's kind of like in bed open parentheses earwolf industries close parentheses well it'd be his show okay which i guess would be called grease lightning See what he said there? This is how it goes. This is how it works. Ba-boom, ba-boom. Would it say Grease Nose and in parentheses Engineer Cody? Because you just call yourself, are you going to say goodbye to the idea that your name is Cody? It never really was.

I was Jockstrap and Shitbird, Grease Nose. jockstrap and shit bird grease nose it seems like grease nose has definitely moved to the top of the top of the charts here that's going to be around for a while you might want to ease back into it wait I'm sorry I forgot to introduce you guys

it's the Tom and Cody show and featuring grease nose here's grease nose I hate this fucking song hey grease nose what's going on featuring Greasenose. Here's Greasenose. I hate this fucking song. Hey, Greasenose. What's going on?

It's so cool. Hates his own theme song. What are you doing this weekend, Greasenose? Probably sleeping in. We're going to check out some of those. See? I love it. That's good.

And imagine what his pillow is going to look like after a long night of... Tom, have you ever heard of punk rock? I have, yes. Okay, well, you wouldn't know it from hearing some of the stuff you're doing on mic. But the code man... Listen to what this guy's doing. The most punk rock thing is to hate punk music. Okay.

So to hear like... That is pretty punk. Yes, to hear punk music and to be like that sucks shit's lame and then say you want to sleep uh-huh come on you see what he said there it was pretty punk rock gracias amigo so grease snows yes what uh are you gonna do this weekend that's probably are we doing the show still yes okay uh yeah that's that's that sums it up maybe doing some sex or something uh-huh and see what a great way to phrase having sex to say that you're like doing sex or something yeah to like like to just like invert it in such

a way i've actually never heard that specific phrasing of like saying you're gonna have sex like like i'm doing sex and stuff and so it's just like he's he just approaches the world from this kind of distorted lens and it felt like he was trying to set you up for some of your frontal torpedo stuff so wait so you see so he's it's like a different lens that he's seeing things through? Yes. Almost like the kind of lens you'd wear if like the sun was irritating your eyes, right? And you'd like would put a lens in front of them to keep it so your eyes were not irritated? I'm so over this.

How would you hold those? I'm so over this. How would you hold those lenses in front of your eyes without keeping your hands up in front of your face? Tom, I'm so over this. I'm not even mad anymore. I'm sad for you. It's pathetic. Honestly, we're trying to do you a favor here.

And it's pathetic at this point that it's like you don't want to learn. Okay, fine. But to take it out on me. We've explained the Blues Brothers thing. The glasses were a gift from my papa. If only I could have learned at the feet of Hayes and Sean and Grease Knows all about how to do it right. I've been doing my show for a long time, and now I've got to hear someone saying that they're doing sex or something is apparently he's got the keys to comedy now sex is this universal human experience

we all know what it is but what cody's doing is looking at it just from this slightly different angle this distorted line and it's something you look at every day but now he's showing it to you in this other light where it's like are you going to be able to think about sex ever again without hearing Grease Nose saying doing sex? In your ear. Yes. Whispering in your ear. I imagine every single time that I get boned out, boned up, it's going to be, for me— That he's whispering in your ear saying—

Grease Nose talking about it. Or that he's whispering in your ear saying, like, that Walking Dead lottery ticket, that's worth $200. You might want to buy that one. It's a distorted lens. See, but you're taunting me by saying that now, knowing—you're hoping I take the bait so that I can get— We're trying to help, Tom. I'm past it. I'm past it.

I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not even mad anymore, Tom. But you're so mad right now. Tom, you're actually the one who's mad. I'm not even mad. Oh, no, I am mad. I'll admit. I'm totally mad because this was a gigantic waste of time again.

What was your time going to be? This is the dumbest show. No, just tell me what your time please I'd love to hear what you would have gotten done Tom has the floor it's dumber now cause it was dumb enough when it was you two and whoever that

drip who was here last time what was his name the engineer he wants us to call him Reek but this guy you're making like this guy's the second coming of, you know, it's like. I honestly didn't know. I thought he was a piece of shit until today. I honestly did not like him.

I didn't know we were sitting here with Lenny Bruce. I know. I mean, it's like it's the second coming of what's his face? Lenny Bruce. J.B. Novak. Bill Hicks. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. Well, no. Yes. Because Novak is the second coming of Hicks. Okay. And. Novak. Bill Hicks, yeah. Uh-huh. Yes. Yeah. Well, no. Yes, because Novak is the second coming of Hicks. Okay. And so, yes, I guess that would make Grease Knows the third coming of Hicks. Grease Novak. Second coming of a Novak.

Okay. What did you want to do this weekend, Tom? I think I probably want to, at this point, walk into the ocean because I have no interest in living if this is the world I live in. Where I'm doing everything wrong and I'm looking up at Greasenose, who apparently is doing everything right. What would walking into the ocean... It would kill me. It would kill... I would drown.

No, a wave would... They're waves. They'd just toss you back onto the shore. Mm-hmm. And then you gotta walk in again. Okay, so I can't even... I can't even escape this, is what you're saying. I'm trapped here.

You'll keep getting rescued. Uh-huh. By the wave. Yeah. Or a lifeguard. Or a lifeguard. Thanks, Greasenose. Like in Staten Island Summer, you guys catch that?

I watched part one of it. I'm waiting. Part two comes out in six months. The Staten Island Summer cycle? Yeah. I'm interested to see, because it's about this boy going to Harvard. Is it going to pick it up at Harvard, part two? See, that's a great question you don't know and because i figured look is it next summer or was harvard man

already this part two did you see harvard man no i didn't grigny no oh now so so if i look and i wouldn't i wouldn't even try to be on the level of writing for like a Staten Island summer type thing. But if we were all blue skying, I would pitch, have the kid try to bring a little bit of Staten Island to Harvard. Yeah. Right? Is this the show? You're on to something. Yes. Is this the show you're on to something yes is this what's that look like staten island summer recap show tom tom staten island summer re so it would be one episode t-sharp you hearing us so it would be um

and then at the like the culmination of Staten Island Summer, I get the cast on, and that's like the final episode of my Staten Island Summer thing that suddenly I'm in the room with, I'm in the room, I got Jost, Forte, Strong, Armisen. You know what I like to call Colin Jost? Colin Jokes. Because that's what he's bringing to the table. Okay. Marshall, Penny Marshall, get her in the room.

Moynihan. Moynihan. Bobby Jokes. Because he also tells jokes. Then that other fella. To double back quickly, I sometimes call Penny Marshall Penny Jokes. Okay. Sometimes, because she can also do serious stuff.

Yeah, I've seen her do some stuff that's pretty mind-blowingly, heartbreakingly, rivetingly dramatic. I gotta go. What's up? I need to leave what's going on I have to leave I can't be here anymore why I have this thing

what is it it's like an appointment what kind of appointment is it it's like I don't want to say, leave it in the podcast. You know? Does it have to do with getting new sunglasses? Okay. So the ones that I have give me a headache because I don't know if the arms are too tight on my head, but I just can't wear them for very long. And I'm afraid that even if I did get the new Blues Brothers movie,

okay, so great, okay, great, but then I can't be on set for those long days with my mom because it gives me such a headache that I keep having to lie down. And then Dan Aykroyd's going to be like, young man, we need to go shoot the dance sequence with Bruno Mars. Uh-huh. Yeah. We need to do Everybody Needs Somebody with Bruno Mars.

Yeah. And then you're going to be like, your head hurts. I'll be like, okay, then I won't be moving the way that they really need you to move for that stuff. then I won't be moving the way that they really need you to move for that stuff. Imagine if they're doing, oh, God, if they were doing like a Muddy Water song and you suddenly have to lie down and everyone thinks that you're like making fun of Muddy Water for being dead. And then you're looking up and John Goodman is saying like, come on, get up and dance with us. Well, John Goodman is saying, oh, we get to lie down? Wait, are we lying?

Wait, we're lying down now? If he gets to do it, I obviously should get to do it as well. Yeah, he may be saying, oh, good, someone else is lying down, taking the heat off me for once. And he's asking, now he's asking the PA to undo him from the Roman column that's attached to his back. That's there to, you know, create the illusion of a self-supported human being. And now he's, yeah. Now suddenly all three of you guys are trying to do Proud Mary, I guess, on the ground.

Yeah. Well, then they should just shoot it from above and you guys make like you're making snow angels, right? Just like blues snow angels. Yeah. Well, hopefully it won't come to that, but so it'll find the right glasses. It might. I think you're gonna, I see this is ending on a better note.

Yes. I'm glad. Yes. I'm glad we, I'm glad we found it. Because, Sean, you opened up about the thing, something that was making you feel vulnerable. I got some space to feel vulnerable. Which we never would have found if Tom hadn't been doing his sunglasses thing

and just probing fruitlessly for a way to get into, we see what you said there. Yeah, it's like we pushed through it. I think something good came out of this. Sean, you're going to get into we see what you said there. Yeah, it's like we push through it. I think something good came out of this. Sean, you're going to get new sunglasses. Tom, you launched Greasenose's career. Greasenose is now a breakout star, and he's going to just be cleaning up all around town

with all these scratch-offs. Lenny Grease, is that anything? Should I start a Twitter? Lenny Bruce,-offs. Lenny Grease, is that anything? Should I start a Twitter? Lenny Bruce, but he's Lenny Grease. You see what I said there? You see what I said there? Is next week just going to be the Hollywood Handbook edition? So, yeah, this was a winner.

Yes, I think so, too. It's a big prize for who gets the pro version in this one. So I wonder who it is. I guess it's just going to be the first person I see who we haven't done yet. Oh, Jack Russell Brand? Has he gotten it before? I don't know.

You're in a real rush to get out of here. So just do a quick version of what Jack Russell Brand gets as his pro version prize. Jack Russell Brand, you're going to get pro version. So it's the sound of me sipping iced coffee through a straw. But so it... Say bye, Tom.

Bye. Bye. Say bye, Tom. Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.