Hollywood Handbook - Tom Scharpling and Julie Klausner, Our Birthday Party Friends

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

The Boys talk to TOM SCHARPLING and JULIE KLAUSNER about an important birthday party audition.Watch the video recording of this episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Hollywood Handbook LIVE at Dynasty Typewriter in LA Feb 15th and March 29th at 7:30 pm PT!Can't make it to the show? Livestream tickets are available too!Feb 15 - Tickets Available HereMarch 29 - Tickets Available HereSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. like my phone number i had my phone number i'm used to it but i can't keep fielding these calls and every time i block them they find some new angle to get at me or through friends but it's like guys in all caps now uh for the people in the back i'm not going to be the lead singer for death cab i won't do that like if you have issues with ben or whatever that's your problem i could do it you won't even be i can sing i can sing like a little kid which is a compromise that's been raised yeah please mommy may i have some peanut butter yeah yeah i can do it too some peanut butter i can spread it with my jam you know i can do it i could i could sing like a little kid but that's not that's not all i can do and i know that once i get in that world it's just gonna take way more time than they say because they're like

literally just show up for the concert okay yeah so that's and that's all you are now no that becomes it overshadows everything else i'm working on i have so many exciting projects i have so much that i can't wait to show the world toast shaped like stars which is something that is something that a great collaboration you could invent it and he could sing about that i just made some star toast and i'm munching it right now i i feel like that would be a good compromise of like look i'll provide you guys lyrics because a lot of my inventions would be really good Death Cab songs. And it's not an insult. So Tom is like,

oh, I'm friends with him and I'm telling him right now. It's not an insult to be singing like a little kid. So many of these singers go out now and are like, hey, you little twerp, come in and kick your ass it's like okay pretending they're just pretending that they're like so grown up yes i i would prefer that to you know

and you're probably friends with this guy too but it's like the national guys up there being like oh yeah hand me my phone has anybody seen my phone it's like brother just fucking that's not my responsibility to find that but death cab is they they are taking responsibility going i know where my phone is so it's phone is. So it's a preference, but it's not an insult. What I'm saying is I can't let that be my life because it's too limiting for me. It's not my thing. It's not my thing. They made that together. I don't want to do an adaptation. I want to do an original project. So I mean i mean here we're talking about singing already we're going to talk about singing all day we all love to sing we all love music that's so much of what this show is about and so much of what our relationship is about

music connects people doesn't it tom and julie hi so glad so glad to be here yeah so good time and julie have you from double threat back on hollywood handbook believe delighted to be back uh it's it's special it's special to to have the two of you um big achievements for the show in the last few years alec baldwin now charged with involuntary manslaughter. We did it. That was you. That was you guys. Thank you. People are saying that in the articles. You did that. We did that. And framed him

for it. It's like Hannibal Buress and the Cosby thing. Just when that was brought up, people were like, hey, this guy's got a point. And you were like, do you guys know that this guy shot somebody kind of yeah no that was all us when you when you said that when you said that it was like everyone's kind of like hey this is actually maybe we should start paying attention to this

right we've been talking about him being a murderer for years. Yeah, it's just a general tread lightly thing. Now people realize the scope of the power, and now they need to just fall in line. Because you can do that. You could do it for anyone. Well, now that your track record's been established, you pretty much could go on to double threat and say anyone has committed any crime and it has to

at least be investigated absolutely we don't we don't do that though or do we you could but yeah but you could we're not a true crime podcast anymore that's how we started we said we're gonna tell you about uh every week we're gonna tell you about the most just a horrible grisly murder yeah the grisliest most graphic uh violent event that we can describe yes the entrails were found all over the inside of the refrigerator and tom and i would take turns and one of us would go, oh, no. Yeah. I would hate that. Yes. Yikes. I wouldn't like that.

But then we kind of transformed. Yowchers and trails. Evolved. And now we're doing the we're friends and we're funny friends genre. Doing that whole thing. But we, you know. Heard of it. We do it well.

We do, yes. The child opened his Happy Meal to find a human foot inside. Oh, thank you. Not the toy he had in mind. Check, please. See, those, and that, when we would do those asides it kind of undercut the drama of it when i would say you want to give him a taste julie i would say and then the child unwrapped his big beef and cheese from arby and found an eyeball boy

and so people would say like it this yeah this undercuts the murders when i thought of yeah sure yeah just we needed to pick a lane so we did we decided to just let's just do that let's just do the asides let's just do the asides yeah no it's like we're having more fun doing the asides than we are describing uh these horrific acts. Yes. And fun is an important part of funny. Mm-hmm. Would you say it halved your listenership to be friends having fun

rather than people describing death? Oh, free fall. It was halved like some of those victims. Exactly what they were. That's what I would have said

if Tom cut the audience into little pieces. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we murdered our audience like last resort by Papa Roach. Wow. Now is I thought that was a season of White Lotus. White Lotus last resort. That that was a season of White Lotus.

White Lotus, Last Resort. That's season three of the final season. White Lotus colon Last Resort. That's what they're calling it. Comma Club Dread? Yeah, they go to Club Dread. It's the Last Resort. They're going to Club Dread in the last season of White Lotus, and it's called White Lotus colon Last Resort.

And finally, the murderer goes to court court and you know who the judge is kevin judge judge dread yeah if they if they announced the new season of white lotus cast and it was just the broken lizard guys i would be pumped that's a true zag that i i would not have predicted and i think it could be good we talk about the personal in addition to the professional on the show we want to talk sort of what's what's coming up for you all speaking of funny friends hanging out birthdays are back we took a little break from... We had to. Having special birthdays.

Well, Kevin kept getting COVID. The pandemic isn't over. It's not over, but it's like... Yeah. It's boring now. Yeah. I wouldn't say it's over, but is anybody else tired of it?

What's Act 3? What are the surprises? It's got Act 3 problems. I think the lack of birthdays was causing issues in society where people were getting depressed and extra anxious. depressed and like extra anxious from not being able to go to a special birthday party and meet people

have fun sing a song but also like network you know make these kind of connections especially in LA where like the flesh so much of where that goes down is at somebody's special birthday party sorry to interrupt you, Sean.

No, please, please, please, please, please. It's the alt comedy golf course. Yes, that's right. Isn't it though? The birthday party is the new golf course. The birthday party is circuit. You go take these meetings in these glistening buildings

in these big offices and nothing gets done. You want to sell a show, show right you want to get your own stand-up special go to birthday party yeah go to birthday party hang out by the punch bowl you might be surprised yeah right sing the sing when you're singing happy birthday do it funny do it funny do it funny do a little funny you know silly voice let's talk about somebody's special birthday party right oh shit oh man did you hear that god i didn't think anybody could hear me yeah i was just

singing funny oh you you have the power to make me a funny singing star not why i was doing it but guess what you don't know who's next to you might be brian grazer you don't know who's next to you at a birthday party because they're dressed like a clown you sing funny like that and brian grazer's hair just like relaxes. And you can see how long it is because it actually this is surprising. We're talking like past the shoulders.

Oh, it's down to his ass. Oh, yeah. It's down to his rear end. I don't want to be gross, but he could wipe with it if he wanted. I mean... You think wiping is is gross well with your own hair i know but it's like it's better than nothing now allow me to play devil's advocate here for you yeah i could no please please look you got the long hair your money's a little tight these days.

You get some shampoo. And I'm not saying I can do this. I don't have the hair that long. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I just like playing devil's advocate. After his toilet experience. After his toilet experience. And he goes, gets out a bottle of Pert Plus.

I wish I didn't bring this up. I wish i didn't bring this up i wish i bring this up but i do think we need to explore it sounds like a perp minus situation if you ask me yes i like the idea of brian grazer on the toilet having a wipe with his hair but it's not quite long enough so he has to like flash dance that shit uh-. He's got to get into bridge pose or something. He could do it. I know. No, I know. I know.

That's what I'm saying. That's my dream person to be next to me at a birthday party when I'm singing. So I don't underestimate him at all. As flexible physically as he is flexible creatively, he could totally do it. What a feeling. Look, the guy's got a perfect track record.

He could do anything. Imagine. Hollywood Handbook. This week on the Patreon, two live streams. One this Wednesday, February 1st at 6 p.m. Pacific Time with Carl Tartt's new video game show, Play No Games. And one Friday, February 3rd at 4.30 p.m. Pacific time. That's with The Flagrant Ones. Plus, on the pro version this week, the boys make a new

ride at Disneyland. You can check out all these shows and the video for today's episode with Tom and Julie at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones. Hollywood handbook. So it seems like everyone is making new year, new you their mantra this year. And let's talk about ways you could take new you to the absolute max. For example, Sean and I are not doing Santa man anymore. And we talk about Harry's razors. We talk about the product. We talk about what the service that this product does, which shaving you right takes hair and takes hair off

yes and you slices it up at least that's that's what i do i use i use my razor and i shave my face well i used to hair sometimes my body that that's i used to but it's new year new you sounds old that sounds old to me yeah shaving my face that sounds old um i think one thing i've noticed is that basically anyone i talk to and i you know i believe in the product so i do try to engage with people who use it and say like how do do you use your Harry's razors? And you know, with very little variation, people say, oh, I shave myself with it. But almost no one says I shave a friend. I shave my friend. I shave my friend.

For free. First one's free anyway. for free first one's free anyway with for no charge initially until they're hooked i go out and i shave my friends and neighbors with harry's razor with their written consent yes some of these with how you know sign happy people are with some of these like terms of service and everything that go out they're probably not reading too closely but legally protect yourself the truman's shave trial set includes a five blade german interior razor weighted hand foaming shave gel and a travel cover and you say that's for me well that one is for you you get another one for all of your friends there's the one, and there's the one that is used for everyone that you consider a friend or you'd like to be. These can be potential friends.

A nice way to make a friend really is to shave them as your introduction. You know, I think people used to do a handshake. How about a hands shave from now on the best part of the true bed shave trial set is a 50 value for just three bucks their blades are made in their own factory in germany they hold it better than ever and the sleek ergonomic weighted handles give some style to your razor and precise control with each swipe which is why don't like sneak up on someone to do this shave a part of them that they can look down and see damn that's smooth immediate results belly the response is belly area yeah get them on the tummy you know and then just let it sink in even if they seem you know because people will be uh

i've found surprised which isn't always a bad thing and give them some time to absorb wow my belly's really soft and smooth right now guys who have tried harry. What else could be? Yeah. They say their eighth shave is as sharp as their first. Plus, you can schedule a replacement blade delivery whenever you need them with refills as low as $2. No matter how new your new U is, look sharp all year long with Harry's. Get a $15 Truman shave trial set for just $3 at harrys.com slash the boys. That's harrys.com slash the boys for a $ harrys.com slash the boys. For a $3 trial set. Shave a friend. Hollywood Handbook.

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the heck is this person doing with their finger? Because it looks like an emergency. I know I was supposed to do something. Or how about those people that stand in the street? They're kind of like, they've got almost like police clothes on. It may be police. Almost, yeah. And they're standing in the middle, and as I'm driving and I'm cruising,

they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as i'm going that's what i've been doing dangerous yeah but some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others, can't feel good to be others there,

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a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys so tom yes you have a special singing birthday party yes i uh i'm having a birthday in the chamber birthday party let's talk about the birthday party uh and we're not plugging it because people this is not a we're not opening it to the the general nor specific public no this is not a club event where we're saying come to my birthday party at a club it's at my home we're not hiring for that thing which you call the chamber which we call a chamber i would prefer that only people that were invited show up so for most of you this is a if that's your theoretical uh birthday party don't i don't want nobody trying

to mentos this thing and figure out a way in carrying a box acting like a delivery guy. I'm on high alert for any Mentos style party crashing. But that's the thing about it. If they truly are effective at the Mentos style approach, you won't know when it happens. Well, if they are, but I know I did not order a giant sheet of plate glass, for example. So if two guys are coming in in overalls, lugging a giant plate glass through the door,

they're like, oh, delivery. door they're like oh delivery and they're like oh where's the karaoke sign up uh i got a oh i wouldn't mind jumping on a tune it's a birthday people could send it to you for a surprise that's what the tricky stuff is like that's true that's true that's true julie it's true you always got to look at their shoes you always got to look at their shoes. You always got to look at their shoes. That's right. That's the big giveaway. Why? Why? Are those actual work people shoes or are those just like. Birkenstocks?

Or are those just like TV writer shoes? Yeah. Oh, crocks with pins. What are those called that you put in crocks and the holes? Charms. They're charms. Right. And the charms are all just gibbets they spell out i am a mentos fraud yes or they spell out read my family feud spec gibbet tv writing is real work i do want to say uh you know are these real work shows are these tv writer shoes it's just like it's a different style of work but yeah the labor is no you need that you need those um

those sneakers you definitely need those running sneakers it's definitely true yeah closed toed at least for sure yeah yeah you generally need on clouds is that what you're thinking of or the new balance right that's the comedy writer sneaker that what you're thinking of? Or New Balance, right? That's the comedy writer's sneaker. For sure, they're going to wear New Balance. You see a Hoka. Every now and then, you'll spot one of those. It's a good giveaway when you see a Hoka.

Uh-oh, here's the showrunner, and he's wearing Merrells. And he's mad. Speaking of work, I have a little friend here who's been putting in some lately. And he has a bit of a wish, a bit of a dream. Meryl Streep. By the way, I saw she was going to be on Only Murders in the building. I said, this is how I learned.

Oh my God, did you see that video? I said, this is how I learned i said this is how i learned i didn't get the part and paul run is there and she's helping get them uh they're like she's like their assistant in the fun it's a lot of fun he's as have you seen it no no. No. See, oh, so she's going to be on. No, I know you were introducing Kevin's thing. She's going to be on, and everyone's kind of hanging out like normal. Like the gang from Over the Bird. They're friends.

Yes. They're on the couch, and they go, oh, this is great, the three of us. And it is great. We've been nominated for a few awards. But they go, how could it get any better? And the camera moves over, and then it's like, Paul it's like paul i just remember that i did see it he was there and he goes but he goes he goes jeez i don't think it could get any better than this and then behind the couch on all fours like a fucking dog meryl streep is hiding and pops up and is like can i get you anything like she works for

them she's a big star yeah this is her craft that prior to prior to her appearance no one had any idea that she was even there behind the couch i would have lost my shirt betting on whether or not she was in the room or anyone was behind the couch i said no because from what i can see there isn't anyone and it wouldn't make sense for them to be there certainly not if it was meryl streep jesus man that fucking video knocked me on my ass i might watch it again talk about kevin i'm gonna find it kevin has been talking about uh so we so of course we've been talking about tom's special birthday party coming up what do i type in for this meryl streep only murders couch only only murders uh don't get in a couch gag rabbit hole.

And then all fours. Oh, never. Sean, be careful. Type in hunch, crouch, couch. All fours. Lurch. Bent over. Oh, God.

Hunch, crouch, couch. The gang. All fours bent over. god hunch crouch couch the gang all fours bent over hiding just search hiding surprise just search the search the hiding woman the hiding woman that's my that's actually funny enough it's funny we're talking about this because how to play my nickname what is your nickname oh my my nickname. What is your nickname? Oh, my nickname when I go to parties is the hiding woman. Okay. That's my social anxiety style. You hide?

Yeah, I'll check my phone in the bathroom for enough time for people to be like, I need to use the bathroom. Oh, geez. I'll tell you some of what came up i didn't get the video i wanted first video says how to play grouch couch for spin master games looks fun then i got notable deaths in 2022 were there any literally any just kidding um and then silent treatment the preferred weapon of people with narcissism. Oh, these narcissists.

The narcissists are at it again. They're doing it again, folks. I see them running around narcissism-ing everyone. Grouch on the couch. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, it was worth it. I'm sure you'll find it couch. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, it was worth. I'm sure you'll find it later. Yeah.

And then I'm looking at the pictures. So what did you want to talk about? Kevin has been asking for different treats. One of them is potentially getting to go to Tom's special birthday party. We have been training Kevin actually recently. We've been talking about uh skill building sure just like we do for like for all our employees like mentorship like preparation for whatever the next thing is and uh based on the call we're having with serious xm next week

next thing could be coming pretty soon the training kevin has been doing is in the japanese art of karaoke and which is what which is actually the theme of your special birthday party as well is that correct tom it is yes there are two themes celebrating me and people having fun through song and so kevin has been teaching studying this we were preparing him in a recent pro version for karaoke songs he was gonna do in las vegas right did you do that already or no in two weeks i'm so nervous two weeks away why were we talking about it so long before it happened i need to prepare all right and so i thought what we would do today is kevin's not invited to this party obviously oh no but if he wants to go i think and if you want to be like okay that if you were to go

everything would just like play out in at least an expected way that we go prizes right i mean this is if he's gonna go no surprises you better know what he's walking into yes tom is kevin invited he's not i just said he's not he's not he's not invited. But I'm asking Tom. I'm asking Tom. Is he invited? No, he's not. Look, okay. I just said that. Is he invited? No, he's not. Do I want him there?

I want Tom to talk it. Do I want him there? No, I don't. Okay. Would it ruin my birthday? Most likely, yes. Is it the opposite of what someone would want on a birthday to see a kevin bartlett walk through their front door and uninvited and reach his hand into the pringles bowl because we put pringles in a bowl

yeah yeah it's uh and then just like with his i thought there was gonna be checks there will be checks mix okay they perfect yeah but kevin will go for the funnier die parody from it's a funnier die promotional parody video from 2012 yes we're gonna we'll have a side room where we just show some of the best of funnier die good you can hang out. Like the sponsorship posts. The Kadoosh room. The Kadoosh room. Just fun things when Tom Sizemore swings by the office and then they do a funny video together. About Serts. Tom Sizemore for Serts. Yes.

I'm Tom Sertsmore. But do I want to see Kevin at this party? We thought you could be Tom Sertzmore. But do I want to see Kevin at this party? Tom Sertzmore in this one. Your shirt is made of Sertz wrappers and you say, I'm Tom Sertzmore. He's like, fine, fine. Sure. He turns to his parole officer.

The parole officer shrugs. I need 120% of my pay in advance. I i will return the extra 20 on completion of the project so kevin i thought we could go a to z on this thing i don't want him in my home i just want to say i don't just see just let's let's actually you can decide that he was in there because you're maybe picturing something that he would do that's not what he's going to do maybe we could show you some things that he could and if somebody brings him with them as their date he's in well that's what i did for halloween i wasn't invited to tom's halloween party either he did show up at the halloween party costume? So he wasn't recognizable?

Big costume, Julie. Dressed as a guest. His costume was invited guest. Yes, which was the ultimate costume. It's the scariest thing that Kevin could dress as. So it was me? You dressed up as me, Kevin? Did you do drag?

Did you do a red wig? No, I had my inflatable car costume and i was dragging along the ceiling so i had to deflate it um so i wasn't ruining all of the amazing decorations so then i was just kind of deflated walking around the party kevin being deflated walking around the party doesn't sound like much of a costume. No, it wasn't. We do. We pick the song. We pick the style of performance.

We do choreo. So you know, if this has any possibility of moving forward, we know exactly what to expect. There's an opportunity for him to be sort of the mascot of the party where it's like yeah you know like the employee like yes he's a worm like refill people people's drinks and that kind of course he's more worm than man we all accept that but isn't that just the kind of person that becomes a target for your guests you know him drawing the ire of your guests uh and doing some sort of performance could actually be what we all talk about after the party and bond everyone you know in terms of song and style something that i i've thrown out that i'll just

just as a jumping off point you can say yes or no to this but it is doing the Eminem song Stan in the style of Fred Schneider oh I when you said Eminem I got really nervous that you were going to talk about Eminem's because they're so controversial I thought this was going to be that again that really no no it really made me nervous because like I feel like Eminem should be for everyone and I don't like how they've been politic. And I'm really relieved that Maya Rudolph is going to be the spokesperson for them. Because everyone loves Maya Rudolph. Which is something we all agree on. She sure made out pretty good in this, didn't she?

She ended up smelling like a rose. Who benefits? Cui bono. So I guess I am a little worried about that pitch, Sean. Just because of the state of affairs. It's like we didn't make this world, but we still need to live in it, you know? What if I told you he was doing the Marshall Mathers song,

Stan, in the style of Fred Schneider? You'd be lying because actually that's maybe from the Marshall Mathers LP. I don't know. I'd have to look it up. I believe it is, actually. It absolutely is. It's really good to know, Maybe from the Marshall Mathers LP. I don't know. I'd have to look it up. I believe it is, actually. It absolutely is. It's really good to know, but I just feel like you're just being dishonest.

What if I said he was doing the Slim Shady song, Stan, from the Marshall Mathers LP? Tom, I'm kind of like, no offense. Sean, sorry for a moment. Tom, could you talk to Sean? Because I'm bored. Yeah, Sean's been. Sean. no offense sean sorry for a moment tom could you talk to sean because i'm bored yeah sean sean i feel like i'm not being heard sean you've been doing a lot of talking it's time you did some listening starting now yeah so starting just at least tell him when he started starting. Okay. He just has to know when he's starting. During the show?

Okay. Starting now. The floor is yours, Julie. I just don't feel like because of the way M&Ms are really being politicized right now, I don't feel like it's the right moment. So I guess I'm... Well, don't just leave, Sean. I'm listening.

He's literally not wearing headphones. I don't like that. I'd like to hear the next pitch. That's my response. People might think that Kevin is, in fact, an Eminem stan. People might mishear his announcement of what song he's about. Because, of course, everyone has to do a big announcement of what song they're going to perform

and that Eminem thing was really a big deal I don't think anyone overreacted to it basically Eminem were saying we're going to have all the characters be female who took the green ones who took the green one shoes I wonder who benefited from this who took the green

Eminem shoes huh and who hit them oh I wonder who benefited from this who took the green m&m shoes huh and who hit them oh i wonder who's making all this money now as as the president of fund for mars corporation huh we don't know speaking of loot somebody just stuffed a little bit more in their pockets now with this m&m thing nobody's worried that look you shut all the m&ms that's neither here nor there but you bring maya rudolph on board nobody's worried she's gonna bring those happy time murder puppets around and this is and this is exactly exactly what i wanted to talk about and this is the next step of the thing. They're going to be creaming all over the place.

From what I recall, she was forced to clean up massive quantities of puppet semen. Like Julie said, of puppet loads. And now we've got these m&m characters right these m&m uh you know uh anthropomorphized uh candies who are highly sexual who are incredibly horny and here's the one lady who we know has been around puppets, which bust.

And we're going to just put all that stew together. And we don't think the pocket stir, you know, the, I don't want to reach in a bowl of M and M's and get, uh, something else. No, I,

that's exactly right. Yeah. I don't want to throw a mouthful, uh, M and M's, uh, down the old, uh, hatch and, uh and realize that, oh, wait a minute. I'm pregnant.

That's not how you get pregnant. And it won't be. Okay. Because I'm not going to eat them. He's not going to do that. Okay, that's cool. Yeah. Anyone else think this interesting has all happened right before a Super Bowl?

Yeah. Okay. Alex Jones. yeah anyone else think this interesting has all happened right before a super bowl yeah okay alex jones so let's back on planet earth please kevin and any other suggestions yeah first off if it's okay if it's if that's how about how about this banger on the good ship lollipop you want to talk about candy there's no controversial candy do they have that on your setup tom we have a good ship lollipop we have a fair amount of shirley temple on the uh but the tiny tim the tiny tim there's more than i like the tiny tim version. We do have some Tiny Tim on there also. What's your favorite Tiny Tim song? Oh, Tiptoe Through the Tulips. I just go with the biggest one.

That's easy. It's a hit for a reason. It's a hit for a reason. It's a hit for a reason. In a specific style, anything you're thinking Julie? Are we sticking with Fred Schneider for this?

I want to see him be cute the way Sean was talking about... Gibbs? Yeah, I would love to hear Kevin put some stank on it. Some cute stank. Yeah, a cute little kid. Like kind of nasty and cute. Alright. It's not really

that is the style of the song. If I want to hear him be cute I'd like to hear him be cute with Papa Roach. I understand. If I want to do Good Ship Lollipop, I'd like to do him like Serge

Tartanian or something. Right. You're saying maybe a juxtaposition will make it a little more interesting, like a Leonard Cohen, maybe like a Leonard Cohen style. Well, it's Tom's birthday i would remember getting

me interested yes julie you're on to something if kevin comes to the party and sings on the good ship lollipop like leonard cohen that could be interesting okay kevin do you have the track pulled up because we are gonna work we're gonna workshop this this isn't you're auditioning to be invited to a party yeah and try to provide some movement i know we've got a tight zoom frame but i don't even want to leave that up to him i want to set like it like his stance before we even get into this I feel like the more I'm at the bottom of the frame

like just making himself very small and then maybe rising up as he's singing like one of those car dealership balloon guys that's what Kevin should suddenly just rise up. Like my Halloween costume.

What? We move past that, Kevin, for your benefit. I'd like a wide foot crouch, Kevin. We all agree to move past it. Yes. Wide crouch. Maybe I start as just a head. My head's on the bottom of the frame.

Yes. I love that idea, Kevin. Good idea. Yes. Keep going. Keep going. Lower. just a head my head's on the bottom of the frame yes i love that idea kevin good idea keep going keep going lower a little bit lower a little bit lower that's close there you go but six more lower six more kevin lower that's way too high six more inches can you we can still see you you still can't taste the floor yet so a little lower i'm horizontal now that's good there you go and so when you when you come up into frame you'll be doing like cute hands straight ahead also figure out are you going to be able to play the song from down there i'll have to get up

to play the song kevin we can't hear you i'll have to get up to play this song and I can go back. Okay. So get ready to play a song. Then you can go down and come up. I want a couple just as we like start doing this and we'll have a few takes on it. But I want a couple of like no, no, no's. Okay. You know what I mean? No.

Okay. Not right now. During the song. I just want a couple of like no no no you know and don't say it i found a good version it's a guy filming uh what looks like a screen with lyrics it's the only one i can find with lyrics okay you don't know the words this is definitely going to land you on a list of some kind can the no no no sorry can the no no no's transition kevin into like shielding eyes like the sun's too bright almost yeah and then and then

points down the line it's you yes you you you you no no no no no so i think that is gonna help us okay i have brought my own mic. Should I not use that? Because that might be hard to do two-hand choreography. Yes, you should definitely bring your own mic. Because, Tom, your setup is with handheld mic, yes? Handheld mics, yes. No stand? No lobs?

No. Lob, no lobs. We're not going to be wiring wiring people tom just comes in and starts immediately pulling up the back of people's shirts before every yeah this sound guy thing of like going like this they're like what's under there you're like my bra yeah no i will not be i will not be wiring people at the party. You okay with tape directly on your skin, or you want to put something in between it? What's the bra situation?

It's better for sound. I've had men ask, what's the bra situation? I'm like, not good. Not good. Probably wearing the wrong size. Defcon 1. Yeah. Julie, I just came up with a business idea let's go these you guys don't

listen first it's just me and julie this is sub this is like a a sidebar double threat episode within an episode of hollywood hamper well first of all people should uh check out our a double threat which is the show we do together such a a good show. Comes out on Mondays. We have a fun episode this coming week. It's the January Oscars. It's going to be fun. But Julie, it's out already. People can listen.

Kevin, this is just me and Tom talking. You shouldn't even be able to hear them. Kevin. Yeah. What are you climbing through the heating ducts? Were you John McClane? Julie, we sell to showbiz. What are you climbing through the heating ducts? Were you John McClain? Julie?

We sell to showbiz microphone bras. Oh my God. That are wired for sound already. That way when somebody who wears a bra goes to set, they put it on at home in the privacy of their own privacy, their own comfort or their own trailer absolutely trailer or wherever but they don't have to have some grubby sound guy getting all all all handsy could also be a good way oh i didn't get it on right yet hold on let me try again. Let me try again. Whoopsie daisy.

Whoopsie daisy. We could call them I'm loving it bras. I'm loving it. Wow. We are. Kevin, you're not supposed to listen to our conversation. I got a text from my mom. Sorry.

It wasn't to you guys. Wait, what did your mom say that made you say wow? That's every text from it. The fact that she's texting at all. Was she like, you've got to see these pants on sale at j crew they're 29.99 yeah wow it's a photo look great on you mom yeah yeah it's a most women most women don't are afraid of a pleat you look great in a pleat yeah. I think it's great that your mom runs her fashion decisions by you before she pulls the trigger on a purchase. Well, wouldn't you if you got that kind of enthusiastic response?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What a lucky kid I am. Wow. Mommy, you have to get those. Mommy? Does it come?

Mommy, have you? Sorry, Mommy. I have to interject. That blouse that it suggests. Yeah. Not only is it on sale, it's absolutely stunning. You could use the. Ninety nine. Yeah.

You could use the microphone bra to to catch a perv to if you needed to. That's true. Get the true on tape. Say it in the mic perv yeah you could hear them whispering submit it to court this is what i'm looking at lingerie like like a garter for the microphone pack because you know if you ever used a thigh like like a you know where they put the battery in like a thigh rig and it's just a big elastic band? What if it's like a sexy lacy garter,

like the kind a lady has removed when she is a bride on her wedding day? Yes. I have an idea for all of this. By the way, during the garter ceremony in a wedding, I get hot under the collar. I get charged up.

I must admit. I must admit. That's a married woman I'm looking at. I find it both erotic and exciting. I like that it's happening in front of the family. But I have an idea, like a marketing idea for this um not that i was listening uh but perhaps you could get the band the lumineers to say hey we changed our name to the

lavaliers because we love this product so much and then it's like you know when you need to wear a mic we got something you might like and it's just like they're kind of saying yeah you can put it on anywhere you want it's all right undies you know oh yeah this is such a great idea because everything you're describing is things women love they love that song they love being idea because everything you're describing is things women love. They love that song. They love being called ho if you're doing the hey ho thing. You know, they love the aesthetic of the Lumineers. It really makes you want to buy a bra. Yeah, I think that's going to be a problem with that song, Sean, is that it sounds like it's saying hey, comma, ho.

You could change it to hey, Joe, or something. Hey, you. Let's just do the Jimi Hendrix song. Why is it hey, you could change it to hey joe or something hey just you just do the jimmy hendrix why isn't it hey you hey we do hey you by you floyd would be great right another another band women cannot get enough of and i've got to tell you i keep going back to this garter ceremony and how horny it makes me oh god i just i i just can't get enough nobody nobody me no i'm i'm through the roof on that thing i i just can't believe what i'm seeing it's like it's like okay we have the bouquet that's fun but what sure yeah that's what about something for the horny people in the room right You catch it, it's still warm. Yeah, it's still wet. And you're like, wow, this is burlesque. Yeah.

See, I might be an outlier here. Well, they're so close. Yeah, go ahead. Oh, my favorite part of the wedding is when, I like the garter thing, but I love the part when somebody does a toast who clearly barely has a handle on comedy and just demolishes their friend by truly humiliating them in front of everyone they know talking about

their most personal failures in front of everyone because they're also a little drunk at that point that's my favorite part the roast master general was just miscalibrated. They knew they were supposed to be doing funny stuff for sure. Yeah, they're just like, hey, I'm going to go up and make a couple jokes, but they don't realize that they are just being as mean as any human has ever been to anyone. You wouldn't be that mean to an enemy. That's not the toast for me.

I like the 35-minute toast that assumes I don't think you are best friends let me let me tell you about how long we've been friends for and then just like 9 to 16 anecdotes that don't have really any content in them other than you were together. Yeah, no, the other person, the spouse is not involved in this story.

They're not about the people getting married. No, you don't know if they've met the person that was just married, but you do know they've met the person they're talking about and you really know it by the end. Okay, Kevin, do we have all the choreo?

Choreo's locked. Okay. The shielding your eyes from the sun. The you, you, you. No, no, no. This is what I like about Hayes. Hayes is like the Matt Besser of Hollywood handbook. I've always said that.

He's related to Curly Joe. He's related to Curly Joe. He's related to curly joe he's related to curly joe from he's related to curly joe besser from three stooges but he also he's writing and shaping hollywood handbook when it gets a little too silly he's saying like guys we got we got some enough silliness kevin is supposed to be singing a song with choreography this got kind of stupid kevin's gonna sing a song with choreography let's hear it so this song the full length of on the good ship lollipop is one minute and 37 seconds i don't think we have time for that too i don't know if that matters the lyrics video is shaky cam yeah it kind of makes

me feel like i'm there did somebody give it the uh the pfizer shot what is she i've thrown away my toys. Even my drums and trains. I don't want to make some noise. Kevin, you're so off. When someday I'm going to fly, I'll be a pilot too. What style did we land on? He said Leonard Cohen.

Leonard Cohen. Have you ever heard him? He sings Hallelujah. Help him, Julie. He said Leonard Cohen. Wasn't it Leonard Cohen? Leonard Cohen. Have you ever heard it? He sings Hallelujah. Sure, Hallelujah. Help him. He's one of many. Help him, Julie. Come on, Kevin.

Tighten it up. That was Leonard. It wasn't. That was not. Do not say that was Leonard to me. That wasn't even Leonard part six. This is take two. I threw away my toy.

We need you up faster. Even my drum. It's a train. We need you up here, buddy. I want to make some noise. It's like you went down to the fruit cellar. Really bad. When real life aeroplanes.

Someday I'm going to fly. Why are we even trying? What are we doing? You could have stopped at why. Do you want to go to the party? More than anything in my whole life. This is what you're going to bring? This is what you're going to bring?

Leonard's not my sweet spot. I've spent six weeks on Fred Schneider, and then you throw Leonard at me. I didn't know there was a pre... I didn't know that... We thought you would go for it. Now, I underestimated the impact the Eminem controversy had had on you guys,

and I respect that. Now, I did have a second idea just sort of in the moment. By the way, Sean, thank you for hearing me. Thank you for speaking to me. So there was something, and I like to be free for inspiration like this to hit. When we were talking to Tom about why it was important for Kevin to audition, we had said there should be no surprises at the party and i wonder if the radio had sung no surprises in the style of fred schneider might be something we could agree on i don't know let's give him a chance he he's really been in the lab on his fred so i would

love to i'd like to give him some opportunity to do it and i'm open to hearing other songs that's just something i thought of but i think that i don't know that one would that be good tom it's a good one it would be if if kevin can stick the landing on this one he wins the party there's gonna be a winner it's a competition they already said their picks. Show business is always a competition. And Kevin, because the thing is, Kevin is not just representing Kevin at this party. He's representing Sean. He's representing he's.

He's representing the whole network. He's representing that whole thing. If you are both comfortable sending him as an ambassador Well, I need to see it too. I need to see it too. Because the stakes are that high. Wait, stance, stance. We didn't talk about the stance.

Stance for this one I think is Peter Pan. Which movie? You got a crow. Pan. From the movie pan where's your stance i'm not seeing the stance at all there you go hips hands on hips higher uh a heart that's full up like a landfill a job that slowly kills you bru Bruises that won't heal. Way ahead. You just got to do it over again until you catch up.

You know how songs work, Kevin. Is this what Radiohead sounds like? Bruises that won't heal. Yeah. This is like if Rufus Wainwright without any of the queerness. You look so tired. Unhappy. Bring look so tired. Unhappy. Bring down

the government. Oh boy. Yeah, that is a disaster. It would ruin my night if that happened, if I were at a party having a good time and that happened. Sorry, Kevin. I don't mean to be the Simon Cowell

here. There was no choreo at all no choreo he was about 30 seconds ahead i'm not sure he's on the same hand yeah i don't think he's heard either musical artist yeah look if you and i wanted him to go to the party if you two are comfortable with him with that that being the face and voice of Hollywood Handbook in front of industry movers and shakers. I can't risk Brian Grazer seeing that. Yeah. Hair wiper.

Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.