Hollywood Handbook - Tom Scharpling, Our Christmas Show Architect

Episode Date: December 12, 2016

Hayes travels to New York to hear Tom's pitch for the big annual Christmas show in person. This episode is sponsored by Harry's (www.harrys.com code: HANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, it's me, it's Timbaland, and it's, at the time, Magoo. And we're going, we're building a beat, we're building the beat piece by piece to make a hit, to make a smasher. Yeah. And Magoo, you know, he's a natural clown, biggest funny bone in the biz. And he's clowning, he's cracking us up. and he's cracking us up and he starts to do his play on the famous Marshall Mathers song intro and he's inverting it and going there's my snare there's my snare I have so much snare in my headphone okay and what's uh-huh and he was doing the inversion uh-huh and what's the normal one where's my snare oh and he's saying he knows where it is he found it magoo saying i

found the snare i know where it is magoo is doing that and you know of course, I'm losing it. Yeah. And Timbaland gets pissed. Yeah. Yeah. Ferocious. And he turns and he, you know, he carries like a wizard staff. Sure. And he points the staff mad and banishes Magoo. And Magoo disappears.

What did he say? I banish thee. Because usually, I've only seen him, he uses that to push the levels, to change the levels on the board. He stands really far away from the board, and he uses the big staff to push them up he can't really um lower them but he had experienced that as well i had seen that that he can push him up but he i've suggested that he put some kind of hook on

the end yeah but it's just rounded off down yeah but yeah and so by the end of the record they just all the levels end up all the way up but i now all the way up yeah and and when i told him to put a hook on the end i said you shouldn't have the round top he said bruh yeah that's the look okay and did you get the feeling now that you almost got banished in that moment well that, that's what I'm realizing, is I was seconds from being banished. And if you'll notice, Magoo hasn't been on many Timberland tracks since then. And when was this?

This was, oh, let's see. I was 25, I'm 65 years old right now, and carried a wand, and Aaliyah was still alive, and AJ knows the number. It was like a couple years ago. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Lineback Hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Welcome to all the new PodMass fans. We should, how do we, because I feel like we're starting with scratch

with a bunch of people who just heard about us from the PodMass best of list. Right, right, right, right, right. Yes, we were heavily featured on that list. One of the biggest podcasts on there. You know, I would reference itunes description if they haven't read it yet which is it's a podcast that offers a healthy dose of humor and sensuality it's short yeah and it cuts off cuts off very abruptly sure there is no period no period it's there's a comma as if it's going to continue and we talk about movies funny movies central movies um and uh funny movies and now with the

prevalence of doughboys we talk about food and fast food chains uh and tv and books and music. And we have... Books, nerds, music, TV, movies, radio. Stern is God. Stern is king. And there's one other thing we talk about, Hayes. I'm sorry. Right. We said music, books. The mail. The mail. And we have repeat guests on our show sometimes.

You might notice our production value is very high, but sometimes I'll be in a different location than Sean. So right now I am actually in New York. Sean is in Los Angeles. We are not in the same place recording this show. And the reason I'm here, because we do have repeat guests that we like to come back to frequently i'm taking a little trip uh to new york to visit my friend tom sharpling who has a

long history on the show tom uh can you uh yeah hi say something hi sean tombo what's crack-a-lackin', bruh? Yeah, no, I'm doing pretty good. I'm doing pretty good. Yeah, but that's not what I asked. That's not. Oh, what's crackin'? What's crack-a-lackin'? Yeah, what's crack-a-lackin'? I was going to say, I don't know.

Can you hear him okay? Oh, yeah, I can hear him. I just didn't know. I just don't want to get anything wrong is really what I'm trying to just do. Okay. Well, in that case, then the thing to do would be to answer the question that okay so i already got something wrong if that is what you're trying to do is not get things wrong it would be to answer the question and this is all coming from a collaborative place which is our relationship now anyway answer the question and we'll keep it's all crack-a-lackin bro that's a very extreme everything

but i got it wrong again so i'm getting i've just never heard of a whole lot of stuff's crack-a-lackin bro okay if everything's crack-a-lackin then nothing's crack-a-lackin that's a fair point yeah i i i'm i'm with you on that. How would you know what's crack-a-lackin' unless some things were not crack-a-lackin'? It's unfortunate some things have to not be crack-a-lackin', but that is what makes the things that are crack-a-lackin' shine so bright for us. Sure. No, I got it. Message received.

A whole lot of stuff is crack-a-lackin'. Hayes, I can't see Tom. I can't see Tom. Is he getting it, actually? A whole lot of stuff is crackle. I can't see Tom. I can't see Tom. Is he getting it, actually?

He has his finger on his temple like he is really thinking about it. So I don't know if he... There's certainly an effort to get it, whether or not he actually is getting it. He's looking up in the air, and he's putting his finger on his temple, and he is thinking about it, for sure. finger on his temple and he's he is thinking about it for sure i i a whole yeah it's a six 60 percent of what could be crack-a-lackin is crack-a-lackin for me bro not bad better than half yeah uh i'll take that over 40 percent we're gonna go. We're just gonna go. Oh, we're, okay. Yeah, we're done. We're done. Okay. Uh, we, uh, Tom, uh, has a long history of the show initially, uh, as sort of a, uh, an acquaintance, someone we didn't really know. Uh, I think, uh, Earwolf just like had him on and then he eventually became a jealous

enemy of the show. Uh, and then someone we forgot about for a long time uh and then gradually he you started your um you were sending in submissions via fax jokes for the show yes and then gradually we did have you in every once in a while you would do a day we we have these big like pitching rooms yeah where we have different people into pitch ideas yeah yeah yeah and you were a real standout in that oh thank those rooms um what were some of the idea uh i uh some of the ideas that you have that we that we did um i had that whole stranger things yeah a lot of strangers things stuff that went great that was that really soared yes where i was oh what are we in the upside down or what yeah there was that whole that whole upside down thing where it's like just like uh like

bernie won the nomination in the upside down. Yeah. We, it was sort of a version of the upside down where everything was kind of the opposite. Yeah. And which I later did look into the show and that is not, and this is fine, but that is not what the upside down is on the show.

You at the time were very insisted that you had seen all of, all of the show. I thought i was watching it and it turned out it turned out i was watching something on hulu yeah okay not netflix i don't have a netflix subscription yet i was watching something on hulu okay uh well that that was confusing because you did talk so much about stranger things and how you had watched it and then you asked me if i had a netflix password you could use maybe a full six months later yeah and that sort of tipped me off that i should check this thing out and see if you were right because you had that long riff that we used about pineapple upside down cake and what they call it

in the stranger things world yeah which is just just pineapple cake yeah pineapple cake so and i and i was like oh this is so you know so richly informed by the show and the characters and as it turns out, they don't even really bring up cake on that show. They're fighting monsters. Yeah. It turned out I was watching Seinfeld on Hulu. I thought it was

stranger things. You were talking about some Seinfeld characters but also Danny Castellano from the Mindy Project was there as well. Yeah. But he is interacting with Kramer and stuff. So I wonder, I don't know if this is one show or if they're sort of like blending into each other. They were starting to blur together. And I had this whole thing where the Demogorgon can't sleep because he's next to a Kenny Rogers Roasters is outside his window. And he just can't sleep.

So then he moved. That chicken messed you up. Yeah. up yeah and and then he moved and shared he shared apartments with uh he switched apartments yeah with um with the uh with danny castellano danny castellano and then like danny castellano's like mr marbles he thinks the dummy's alive it was so i guess i should have sprung for the netflix right account because you would say neumann's eating broccoli because you would say at the time it's all the computer you were very insistent that it is all the computer which is it turns out also true but yeah it turns out they're different different hey remember jerry is going newman you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was dipped in chocolate sauce

and now tom i've noticed you're not really reacting to these things sean is bringing up and you did used to give a seinfeld tour i don't know if this is something that you're not that is not part of your life anymore but legally i i am not allowed to talk too much about the seinfeld tour i have to be very judicious because of the whole stranger things thing uh-huh i was also giving a stranger things tour through new york showing where in new york city where all the things happened in stranger things Things. And I was like, this is where Barb got her head cut off. And then it turned out that it didn't take place in New York at all.

Yeah, and that was at Madison Square Garden that you just were pointing to on the tour. It was for that first MMA fight at Madison Square Garden. And then I introduced Conor McGregor as the cop from Stranger Things. You thought he was the cop. He wasn't happy. Netflix wasn't happy netflix wasn't happy the two brothers who do that thing yeah we're not happy yeah seinfeld jerry seinfeld was not happy yeah castle rock entertainment

was so mad at me sure for that because i even had a thing where I would play that song at the end. Right? Yeah, at the end of the tour. At the end of the tour, I'd play their end card. Was Amblin mad? Tom, did Amblin get upset? Because Stranger Things is actually, and I'm one of the people that has noticed this,

heavily influenced by the Amblin films. Amblin? Mm-hmm. What is that now? Remember E.T.? E.T., yes. The extraterrestrial alien?

Sure, sure. E.T.'s Amblin. Yeah, E.T. Remember? Because, look, I was piecing a fair amount of the Stranger Things stuff together off what I would see on Twitter, and I kind of got it wrong. And I was sued. I got sued.

Yeah. By Netflix. Yeah. The brothers who did Stranger Things. Yeah. Because you said this is the official Stranger Things tour. Yes. Hosted by the main kid. I remember seeing the promotional materials that you said this is the official Stranger Things tour. Yes. Hosted by the main kid.

I remember seeing the promotional materials that you said, I'm the main kid from Stranger Things. Yeah. And then what I would do is I had this puppet that I would pull out. And I thought that, I didn't know the kid's name was Eleven. I didn't know that was the kid's. Yeah. I thought it was like she was 11 uh-huh and so i was that's not that far 11 oh wait well i got that right

but she was 11 i should have brought that up in the fucking court case i could have won that with the dust brothers the dust brother sued you? It was Netflix, Castle Rock Entertainment, Seinfeld, Jerry, Stranger Things, The Dust Brothers, The Duplass Brothers,

They got in on it. Because I was also doing a puffy chair tour briefly i was doing a puffy chair oh i'm sorry where i would pull out you wanted to do a togetherness tour i couldn't get that together get it that was but i had i had a chair that I claimed was the puffy chair. Right? And then when people would sit in it, I would push it and then say, now you're in the upside down, you piece of shit. And they kept getting hurt. Because it was less of a chair.

It was less of a puffy chair and more of like a bench so much oh the cursing of the tour i think i guess you thought it was like a filthy kid i thought that's what 11 was like a dice kind of kid right yeah because she was the one with the shaved head who wore that leather jacket yeah and i would come out and just go like because right? Because she had a leather jacket that she was like the Dice Man as a child. Yeah. And she'd go like, this kid here with the lisp, we're talking about going into the upside down. And he's like, I don't want to go into the upside down. And I was like, we're going in, you dunce.

I thought that's what the kid said. Yeah, yeah. And I was way off. And legally, I found out how far off I was. That's why I don't mention the Seinfeld tour so much anymore. Well, it worked for us. It worked great for the show. It was good for us, yeah.

And so we've had you in on like a weekly kind of deal since then um because now i'm just doing the sully tour right yeah and that's freed you up just do the joke from the end of the movie is that right the sully one where i just like i I wish it was July. Does that work out of context? And we're out. Roll credit. Do you ever have people, like, because when you just say that, like not providing any context for it.

I'll give you, this is what the Sully tour consists of. We go to the Hudson. I say to them, I wish it was july and then they seem confused and i push them into the hudson and i say and that's where the plane was asshole don't you do it twice because i noticed in the movie they show the exact same footage of the crash twice yeah yeah i think they were happy with how it came out. You push them in, and then you say, get out! I say, come out! I go, this is what I say.

I wish it was July. And they're like, what? And then I shove them in the Hudson. Then I go, birds! I have a pitch for the Sully tour, which is then at the end of it, you call your wife. She has a lot of questions. you just go turn on the news like don't tell her you love her or anything indicate that something bad has happened

but just go turn on the news yeah and then you talk to her again the next day. He was very busy, to be fair. He had to go on a talk show. He couldn't tell his wife and children what he was up to. He had to jog. Yeah. Go on Letterman. You've got a cold jog, Letterman. Go to a bar.

Hey, you're that guy. Once and for all, get rid of these people who see what actually went wrong on a plane yeah these villains in our society who are trying to figure out exactly what went wrong on a plane when it crashes can we get rid of these people i'm sorry whatever happened happened the pilot did it and it's fine there's no reason to into this yes there's no reason to assume that the pilot did anything wrong yeah i find it disgusting that was supposed to happen yeah that these terrible people and this is also something i say in the cell this is how i close out the tour i say it i don't know about you guy well first of all guys kick and you won't go under that's what

i say because they are in the hudson at this point really don't get any of that water in your mouth because it's super disgusting but then i say i think i speak for all of us when i say it is It is nauseating that this air federal commission would take two days to question whether this guy landed a plane in the Hudson when he didn't have to, just because that's what every computer projection said that he did wrong. projection said that he did wrong. Now, if you guys want to climb out of there, we can head over to the No Soup For You, and you guys can warm up. I like that Sully had money problems.

So, the Sully stuff has been great. All your stuff has been so good. Thank you, Thank you. So what we do, you know, we like to sort of show how it works behind the scenes. And what we like to do is at the end of the week when your contract is kind of running out, we usually talk to you over the phone and you give us kind of the pitch for like your big idea for next week's show. And we either renew you or we don't sort of based on that pitch so it's kind of like a back and forth process

with us and you said when we called you end of last week for the Christmas we had told you we need a Christmas show obviously we always do a big blowout Christmas show Christmas not holiday show Christmas show yeah and which is

we like the other ones too, but like the other holidays. They're fine. I'm sorry. The front lines of the war on Christmas, you know, they're not being fought and just Macy's.

We're fighting them in our own backyard. Yeah, Macy's. Think about it. Go on about the Macy's. We're fighting them in our own backyard. Yeah, Macy's. Think about it. Go on about the Macy's thing. Who, me? Yeah, I just think it is... No, I just think it's a point worth making. The Macy's aspect of it

specifically. I just want people to really get it. Okay. Well, think... Okay. Some of these stores tom say what you were saying the other day about this about about macy's yes the war on christmas and yeah yeah the holidays and macy's well you know with macy's it really is like if there is a war on christmas which there is a war on christmas you go to macy's and that's like uh when you're on the wait what was it that you said about it sean i'm trying to think how you phrased it i don't want to get it wrong right right right yeah i wish i had written

it down because i did say it in a good way that made sense before. Hayes, do you remember? I think it had something to do with you thinking that Macy's had tried to buy Christmas so only they could have it and they were not letting anyone else have Christmas.

Was it something like that? And that's not my Christmas. Yes, that was your big thing. That's not your Christmas. Was it something like that? And that's not my Christmas. Yes, that was your big thing. That's not your Christmas. Christmas should be free, I think you were saying. It shouldn't be so expensive. Christmas should be free to all. So, I hate

that people think it has anything to do with religion. Yeah, so this is a big, like, Earwolf has not wanted us to do this show which is a secular christmas uh because we're like our whole thing is like uh like that you can celebrate and you like you can be an atheist and celebrate this is not really my thing so much as Sean's. But he has kind of like a special tree, like an atheist tree. Yeah. Yeah.

It's an atheist tree. It looks just like a Christmas tree, but it's brown and it's on fire. So, you know, we go to Tom and we say, okay, we're going to do the big Christmas show. And you said that we needed to be, that one of us actually needed to be here. And you said that we needed to be, that one of us actually needed to be here. You didn't want us to lose any of the impact of the pitch by being there remotely. Yes. So you flew me out. Mm-hmm.

Because I guess there's like a, I don't know, is it a visual component or is it just your, you said I need to be able to see your face. Because look, I can't fly for another 18 months because of this lawsuit. And even if I could, the second I said... Well, certainly the board... The Sully thing... The FAA is definitely not letting you out of the plane. Well, first of all, I'm not getting out of the plane because I'm terrified.

Yeah. If I'm sitting... I won't fly first class anymore because I'm too close to where the pilot's sitting. If I hear through that door, birds, I don't know what I'll do. Right? Because I could hear it then. Right.

Birds. Yeah. I'll tell you what you won't do. Land in the Hudson and not get some professor from the government putting a microscope up your butt. Yeah, some pencil pusher. Because that's the way they handle these things now things now yeah and you've personally threatened all of everyone associated with the the faa and it yes there's that and the second i set foot in los angeles yeah

there's that i'm worried i'm so worried about the stranger things cast yeah just serving it i just beaten the tar out of me yeah and then just putting me right back on a plane and i wouldn't get to pitch the thing so i asked you to come out i've seen that this is so interesting because sometimes i will land in los angeles and i will see the stranger things cast waiting where like they wait for like the limo guys and they're holding a sign that says the bitch and that's because that's usually i'll just go oh that's me when i see that right and i think that's the i think that might be the trap yeah and then they and then they beat you which is not unlike an episode of seinfeld where i used to give the tour over at Madison Square Garden where the hate rally was being held.

Okay. Remember the hate rally? Remember the episode where they took the limo? Jerry and George took the limo, and then they went to the hate rally at Madison Square Garden because they thought George was a white supremacist? They walk up to the person holding the limo sign, and they go, I'm Mr. Galakowicz. That's the one.

No, I'm Mr. Gally Weekich. And then the limo guy goes, you're Dr. Galakowicz? And then they get in the limo. That's the one. And usually, it would culminate. It always works well now with these MMA fights, because that's pretty much the closest thing to a hate rally that can be at Madison Square Garden is a Conor McGregor fight.

It doubles as a hate rally. But they just don't say it. It's a fight. Majors in fighting, minors in hate. But when you're there, I can say, and this is where the Seinfeld tour ends. Should you be doing this? I'm sorry, I Seinfeld tour ends. Should you be doing this?

I'm sorry. I just don't want to. Should you be talking about this stuff? Probably not. Isn't this like explicitly what you're not allowed to do? Yeah. So I can't fly. Yeah.

Are you actually getting on the hill of the, a lot of fighting and hate are closely related I mean are you going to do that? The idea that hate and fighting are Tom yeah I've heard you talk about this I mean you're drawing correlation between hate

and fighting and I just don't know if you want to be on record I should probably tap the brakes on that Well I mean this is fine for Facebook among your friends, because I've seen Tom does a lot of posts about the relationship between hate and fighting and being mad. And sort of connections that you've forged between these things. People who are mad fight, and they often fight someone they hate.

Right. And this is like your... Yeah, yeah. But I guess guess should i delete those some of the studies you've posted on facebook honestly you're like a i mean a lot of people know you're sort of an armchair uh psychological expert social scientist um and yeah social scientist and some of the numbers you put up of madness, fighting and hate, you know, being intertwined has really made me think. But I just don't know if you want to be on the radio saying you're right.

You're right. I'm going to I'm going to tap the brakes on this whole thing. OK, so you can't fly, which is why you needed you to come here. Me to be here. Yeah. So without further ado okay i'm pitching to both of you sean uh or orally hello hello hi hi hi yeah you said his name yes hi um i'm pitching the 2016 ho Handbook Christmas Extravaganza.

And again, I will say it's daunting. Your holiday shows really set the bar for Christmas podcasts. Yeah, well, it's the end of the year. We usually have some stuff left over in our budget. Don't worry as much about that as you normally do when we try to keep the budget at a reasonable level. We usually have

a little extra to spend. That's why they tend to be these kind of bigger It's a bash. It's a big Christmas bash. If we don't spend it, they just decrease our budget for the following year so we do actually have to use a lot of the money yeah so a lot of times we have things we don't even want there well i've got some some pretty sweet ideas that i think you guys are

gonna uh like hopefully and will be in the tradition of all the past Hollywood handbook Christmas shows. Tom, just before you get into this, because you're being so nice about our show, I do want to say, and I know you hate hearing this, I think you should start doing the best show again. Okay, because I do it every Tuesday. I know, it was always again okay because i've been i do it every tuesday i haven't missed i know that was it was always on tuesdays and i think you should fire it back up people miss this thing well they don't miss it because it had it it went away for a year two years ago i have pretty much

spent every tuesday for the last two years doing the show including that's such a good attitude that's so great it's like you never missed a beat that's exactly that is exactly how you should be thinking okay well i that's gonna serve you so well when you get this thing back on its feet and start making the show again can we say so and and when you do bring it back uh for to get the attention to some of the pod mass people does what we're noticing the stuff that they respond to uh more sex more sex yeah really like you gotta talk about what people want to hear yeah it's a healthy dose of humor but also sensuality tom because this is the idea people picture you having sex can i sidebar something here before i get into the

pitching uh-huh i was thinking of doing a show called tom's tomdament condiment Condom Show, right? Where I like the title. I review at in just excruciating detail, different condiments from different

places, like, because people review food now, so I figure what's the next what's the what's the next thing in that condiment jump on this i i think a lot of these condiments you could find sort of feel like cum and now we're right into a nice thing that is you know you keep the comedy in there but you're also sort of saying like hey this is a substance i deal with sometimes because i'm a sexual being and just like we all like to picture pete holmes having sex or mark maren having sex or any of the other people out there who are comedians uh who are talking sometimes about their love life let's picture tom having sex

because he's talking about a new mustard that he tried that on his hand kind of feels like come i mean what are we doing here let's make a show because listening to the like traditionally when you did the show i i would listen to it and i'm laughing i'm having a good time i'm never picturing you having sex but I'm listening to it. I'm not turned on. Very, very rarely. Very rarely. I will say, never is too strong a word.

I'm sorry about that. Very rarely. Very rarely. Am I getting hot and bothered and picturing you having sex listening to the show? Well, because I thought that I would. Not most of the time. Most of the time, I'm not. Less Not most of the time. Most of the time, I'm not. Less than half of the time.

It might get very excited listening to you. Maybe a third of the time, I'm picturing you having sex. And that's just not enough. That's not going to get the ball over the net here. Okay. So it's volleyball. Volleyball. Okay. volleyball okay and are you working up into some sort of sexual volleyball metaphor here well no you're the one who said get the ball over the net i didn't know we were trading in volleyball as

the sport of choice seems a little maybe not the first sport you'd go to to draw parallels to this but okay all right well you i know you're a b-ball head yeah maybe we could yeah so let's talk about some of that maybe you know there's like sex and then also on your show you play viral videos and you do kind of a ridiculousness thing where you're watching a guy dribble at another guy and the the other guy falls down, and you're like, bruh, somebody get this guy a map. Or b-ball stuff. Dude perfect.

Where you say, here I go, and then you take an impossible shot, and then you say, oh! Yeah, you get a bunch of guys together and they're like it went in cause with the NBA thing to be honest I'm a little uncomfortable with the whole sex part of things for me that's why I got someone to help me

with that I figured I would deal with the condiments part in which I would try different condiments that we would put in i would eat them out of condoms different different like condiments that that's the way to pass them around everybody can just kind of squish them into their mouth yeah you get out of a condom right somebody's got to test these condoms out in the traditional way so that's why i've partnered with uh joe ingles from the utah jazz has volunteered to just he's gonna just go

on a zap-a-thon is what he called he calls it a zap-a-thon and when he does that it's weird because he wants to play frank zappa while he does it that's why he calls it a zap-a-thon okay it's oh i thought he was no he's zapping babe he is zapping him while playing frank zappa with his stanger he is okay but he's playing frank zappa while he does it it's funny it's funnier when he does it. It's funny. It's funnier when he explains it. So it would basically... Joe Ingles easily the most sexually charged player in sports. Assuming he makes the all-star team. The way he moves. Assuming he makes the Western Conference all-star team,

it would start at all-star weekend, where he would probably be in the Friday night skills challenge. That's the most watched challenge. It's pretty tricky when they throw the basketball through the tire. Yeah. Who does it? Crisp chest pass through the tire. Crisp.

That is a really hard thing. And if they miss it three times, they have to move on. Yeah. And then have Kenny Smith just go like, I don't know about that. The best guys are the ones who just very, very quickly throw three basketballs at the tire so they can, they don't have to set up or anything. They can just go straight to the next thing.

The skill. I've also wondered why they don't move. Move the game to Friday night. Yeah. Dunk contest, three-point contest stays on Saturday night. Skills challenge, Sunday night. Bring the skills back to the end. Make it clear to the fans, this is about dribbling through cones,

throwing a basketball through a tire. Can I ask you this? Doing a layup. What did you think about this last year, Tom? Tom, was it blowing your mind last year that they had some big men in the skills contest? I tell you, it's a different game now, Sean. It's a different game now. The announcers didn't really mention it,

but some of these big men were moving with the ball like a guard. You know what I noticed? I missed that i thought when i grew up as a kid and correct me if i'm wrong when they would do the slam dunk contest someone would do the dunk and then the scores would just show up super quiet just 47 46 Just 47, 46, 46, 47. And then someone would go, okay, we've added it up, and the average score is 47 for that round. But now.

It's gotten very loud. Screaming. Was that a new thing? Is that like this year they started doing that? Yeah, yeah, it's new. And it's gotten so hard for them to do the ducks, I've noticed. When do I go? Because the score has become the main attraction.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I wonder what they're working on. You know that they're working it now. And I know Joe thinks he's got an outside shot of the slam dunk contest. He's working up a couple things. Can I pitch you a structure now for the weekend game friday night if we do it at all saturday three pointers and dunks sunday the skills challenge and then the scores to the dunk contest are their own show that would be what if they did stay with me now what if they did just the

scores but no one dunked no dunks and they make up different people from history dunking or then someone has to do the dunk the scorers score the dunk and then someone has to do the dunk that they scored versus okay and it's and someone is a

different person from history right like yes like rap battles from a different person from history right like yes uh like rat battles from history history or something yes rap battles from history the dunk so yes so you would get uh benjamin franklin is that ben all right this is your guy this is like your pitch okay well not i'm not i'm not your guy. Okay. So you get Benjamin. That's your guy? Oh, I can't. My guy's going to dunk all over him.

You'd get Benjamin Franklin dunking, right? And then you'd get like Joe. Oh, I got to get Joe Ingles in this thing somehow because he's really, he's got a temper. I'm telling you. how because he's really he's got a temper i'm telling you he he he first of all he wants this condom part of this thing so badly can i are you so like what's the timeline of this thing you're eating like rushing dressing rushing dressing out of a condom yeah and then you hand the condom no he's? No, he's got his own

stash of rubber johnnies, as he calls his dad called them. Wait, we're not using the same condoms for the condiments and for the Zapathon? Well, no, because the spermacidal lubricant at that point, I've eaten it.

So, it kind of reduces the... Yeah, control has always been an issue for you. I don't know why you can't just stop with the condom, why you have to move on to the spermicidal lubricant as well. Well, I'll just say the russian dressing for example was so good that i just kind of got a little carried away and and you chewed up the condom i chewed up the condom and then joe ingles was so mad mad yeah he beat me wow with a deflated basketball that he

cuts open and turns into a weapon brah you took an L the definition of an L you didn't safely take an L I did yeah

so Tom the Christmas show. Yes. You were starting to do your big pitch. Okay. Guys, what do we think about when we think about Christmas in New York? Because I want to do... Because everybody thinks about you guys, Hollywood.

You take the Hollywood handbook, guys. It's like you take the boys out of Hollywood. You's like you take the boys out of Hollywood, you still can't take the Hollywood out of the boys, right? But we drop... That's fucking awesome. Thank you. Can I stop you right there before we do anything else?

That's fucking awesome. Thank you. So we take Hayes and Sean for a New York City Christmas, right? That's dope. That's dope. So you guys go to a pizza place, 99-cent pizza place, right? And you eat the pizza upside down like it's a Christmas tree.

Like it's Christmas tree shaped. You hold it up. Okay. We hold it's a christmas tree like it's christmas tree shape like your thing you hold it up okay we hold it like a christmas crust at the bottom and it looks like a christmas tree then right yeah and are we explaining this on the show yeah okay yeah and then we eat the whole thing you eat the whole thing so are we saying upside down and not saying stranger things the stranger get ready i guess we have to kind of dance around it but if you're Are we staying upside down and not saying Stranger Things? The Stranger... Get ready. I guess we have to kind of dance around it if you're involved in this. Yes.

Because I don't want to be... I do want them in it. There's going to be a Stranger Things parody in this thing. I worked out. But unauthorized. Unauthorized. Eat the pizza. Then here comes... Who's coming down the street santa con here come all

the santas right coming down the street but this is and this is going to be a thing because 2016 was a very very political year this was a it's one of the most political years politics is boss in 2016 yeah so this is what you hayes and sean put on an orange christmas suit just like president trump right yeah and the hair you put the wig on and you guys are santa neocons you have your own santa con but it's called santa neocon well he's not a neocon so that doesn't work never mind okay strike that okay summer movie some people so this is on the side in case we need it this is a tom that you know some people would say that he you know he's hiring a lot of people that are interested in war and all that. But your whole thing is like, just trust him.

He knows what he's doing. He's not a neocon. Yeah. I mean, I talked to Eric, Trump's son, about this. And he's not a neocon, according to Eric. Yeah. He's not. He just said, you know what he said to me?

Watch out, bro. You're going to have your mind blown by what my my pop does eric had his bachelor party on one of your tours yes he did on the sully tour he was super pissed when i pushed him into the hudson yeah when i went i wish it was july and he was like what bro and i pushed him in and then it was july too for that it was yes and he looked at me and then i yelled at him birds and now is it a legal thing that you say i wish it was july rather than i i would have done it in july it is yes it is okay it is i were i've learned the dance now sean i've learned the dance

and here's a part of the dance that, Sean. I've learned the dance. And here's a part of the dance that will get us in the clear. We won't have to pay any licensing on this. Right? Summer movies. Right? Who you gonna call? Stranger Things!

Who you gonna call? Stranger Things. And you have going to call? Stranger Things. And you have the logo. It's through the Demogorgon. Like the no Demogorgons. Oh, okay. Right? Dick.

Who are you going to call? Stranger Things. Stranger Things. Stranger Things. Yeah. Trump-wise, you know who I like? Who's that? Jared Kushpuffer.

You know what I mean? I like that last name of that Kushner fella, because it sounds like he's smoking the kush. Smoking the dank kush. Yeah. Like he's got that sticky icky. Like he smokes kush. Okay, so we eat the pizza upside down and then you seem like you wanted to reset some of this stuff but it's then all the santa's are coming down okay come the sand here's come santa con here come santa con and then one of us or both of us is in an orange Santa suit. Like a Trump Santa suit. Can I say, so far, this pitch is purely visual. Huh.

There hasn't been a single element of it that can be heard. You're right in saying that we could have done all of these things without there being any microphone anywhere. Right. But that is all we have for the show, all we have is sound. And so, but what you're describing is no sound. Yes. Yes. And I guess that

makes sense why you said I had to be here so you could describe something to me visually but what we would like is like sort of like a radio play okay you know like we have these guys that like some of these fun podcasts do like an old time story okay here we go yeah i don't know let me 2016, what happened this year? Okay, here's how it starts off.

Welcome to the year. What's that? You said here. Hello. Yeah, whenever you do an introduction and you say, here we go, you sort of put Sean back at the beginning. Okay. All right. You say, continuing with our conversation

and then they'll say, oh, I know. I've been in this for a while. Well, here's a scratch version of how this play can go. To, okay, I was just about to. To all acquaintance be forgot. Thank God 2015 is gone. what a terrible year that was this year is going to be and this is you two talking i guess should i play both of you yeah that'd be great all right hey sean thank christ 2015 is gone that year was a dumpster fire, huh?

Yeah, Hayes. 2015 was just the worst. Well, 2016's gonna be great. Gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin Ground control to Major Tom. Hmm, hey, is David Bowie died? The heat is on. The heat is on. Oh, no, Sean, Glenn Frey is dead, too.

He's on the street. Who else died this year? Prince. Prince. Hayes, I thought we could go crazy and pay tribute to Prince. That sounds like a great idea, Sean. Picture if you... Wait, no, what's it? See if you... John. Picture if you, wait, no, what's it? See if you will, what is the word?

Think if, it's not, what is it? Well, you want to, you want to do it? It seems like Hayes had all the jokes. Okay. I like some of the jokes in the script. Okay. Think if, picture you will, Ghostbusters. Okay. Po-ka-ka-po. Po-ka-ka-po. Think if picture you will, Ghostbusters. The reboot we've all waited for.

And this is you singing, Sean. But now they got rid of our favorite guys. And now they put four women in the Ghostbusters car. How can you, how, why would I buy a ticket for a movie that used to star dudes? Surely I'm not done singing yet. It just adds to the middle of a verse. I must keep singing. Just adds to the middle of a verse. Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd used to be in this, but now they're not in it.

I think that is rude. What about my childhood? Do I mention my childhood being ruined? My whole childhood has been ruined. This movie doesn't look like it used to i'm kind of happy that thor is in this because he's a dude and i can relate to dudes like him well that sucked okay strike that last some olympics stuff oh yes okay and fidel maybe about the freaking pool yeah okay let me think what we could do here with the pool with it what if it's it'd be like hayes will do his ryan lock the impression right sick that's in the pool that i do that though it's in the pool that I do that, though.

It's in the pool. My impression is swimming like him. It's not like a vocal thing. That's true. Hayes has a thing where Lochte confuses Zika and Zycam. And it's really funny because, as we all know, Ryan Lochte can't read. And Hayes does this very funny sort of Zika versus Zycam thing.

It's kind of like the George Carlin baseball football riff from back in the day. Thank you, Mom! No, that's Cosby. Sorry. No, that's okay. That's good too. Hayes does that too.

Who else was in that Olympics? Who else? Who else did that one? Oh, this last Olympics? Who else did that? Was that the Blade Runner? Oh, yeah. Okay.

Had to be. Okay, picture this. Hayes as Ryan Lochte. Hey, bro. Hey, Blade Runner. okay picture this haze as ryan lochte hey bro hey blade runner you see sully i did i didn't see sully i wish it was july what push splash birds this is in the pool this is in the pool that's good he pushes the blade runner into the pool okay that's good because that mashes up as a bunch of 2016 things that's good for us yeah how about uh bobby or didn't he die now that's hockey right yeah that's hockey uh-huh and fidel that would it would be good to get some fidel stuff in there. Okay, Fidel stuff.

What about, can we get Joe Ingles to do some sort of tribute to Fidel Castro? Is that going to be pushing it? He's going to be mad if he's not involved in this. Yeah. I guess it would be something like, hey, this is Joe Ingles from the Utah Jazz. Hey, this is Joe Ingles from the Utah Jazz. Hey, this is Joe Ingles, Utah Jazz All-Star. Assuming he's an All-Star this February. Hey, this is Joe Ingles, Utah Jazz All-Star.

We sure lost a lot of people this year. Some of them were good guys and some of them were bad guys. I'd like to pay tribute to one good guy and one bad guy. The good guy was Fidel Castro. The bad guy was Bobby Orr.

Because hockey sucks. The basketball hockey wars. Basketball rules. Okay. I would love to Yeah. I would love to on this show not perpetuate the basketball hockey wars.

Anything we could do to try and get these people to stop fighting, I think is great. I'd love to see peace in our time between two sports that while I understand that they don't get along, I know

why. One's on ice, one's on wood. Wood and ice are opposites. Everyone knows that. If you want to break ice, you use wood. If you want to break wood, you freeze it. These hockey players breaking into basketball games and spraying a hose on the court and then turning up the air conditioning so high that it freezes and then starting to play a hockey game.

turning up the air conditioning so high that it freezes and then starting to play a hockey game. And vice versa, these basketball players throwing wood onto the ice. Running out and dribbling around on the ice. It's all disgusting. It's immature behavior. Why can't everybody win? I don't want this show to be a part of that. Also, you kind of, with the Joe Inglis thing,

are stepping on the end memoriam that we do at the end of our Christmas special, kind of the Oscar-style end memoriam. And I just have a note from Earwolf that, even though Prince and David Bowie and Fidel Castro and Bobby Orr are all big celebrities. Glenn Frey. The final spot does belong to the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. That does have to be the last thing you do on the in memoriam.

So just that's a production note. Okay. So the in memoriam would be like, Hey guys, it's me, Hayes. And it's me, Sean.

I know we had a lot of fun here on the Hollywood Handbook Christmas 2016 special. 2016 extravaganza, Hayes. That's good. But we... I'm correcting him or what? You're just being kind of a devilish... Yeah. An imp.

Imp, yeah. A Like an imp. Yeah. A devilish imp. Okay. So yeah, that's right, Sean. It's a 2000 is a Christmas extravaganza. My bad.

You're forgiven, but let's not forget the friends that we lost this year. So many great people like bobby or fidel castro glenn fry leonard cohen david bowie vanity uh who else David Bowie. Vanity. Who else? I know there were so... Who else? Groot.

Yeah, Groot. We lost Groot. Groot. Yeah, Groot blew up at the end of the movie. Groot. The Ancient One. She died in Doctor Strange. Yeah, Doctor Strange, yeah.

And don't forget. Oh, is there a Doctor Stranger Things viral video that we can put on? Oh, there we go. There we go. That's great. Doctor Stranger. But I think we already have the Who You Gonna Call Stranger. That's like a foot race now well who you're

gonna call dr stranger stranger things or what if it's like an old-fashioned skit like like uh doctor you gotta help me and then he's like uh let me check you out upside down. Right? And then he goes, the moons of Madripoor tell me that you've got stuff coming out of your lungs. Because you were in the upside down. You had a whole thing where Eleven would call everybody a Benedict Cumberbitch. I like that. She calls everybody that. Yeah. Screw you, Benedict Cumberbitch.

That was good. Is BB-8 in this? And Baby Groot? Baby Groot? I don't know if Baby Groot... Look, I think we might have to wait. The Baby Groot stuff next year is going to be so baby the baby groot's riding bb8 around yeah if baby groot's right and then all of a sudden like rock and we could scoop them on this it

hasn't come out yet where are you going we could honestly do baby groot first get off that robot right rocket raccoon hey get off that robot, baby Groot. What are you doing? The tribute at the end should be. But the biggest loss we had this year is obvious. Yeah, it sure is, Hayes. The Comedy Bang Bang TV show. Five seasons.

Gone too soon. I'm sad. Some of your favorite episodes would be good. I mean, just to like... And then... I will remember you. Right? And then a montage of every every 30 seconds from every episode and it's slow motion because it's like in slow motion so it's 30 seconds from the episode but

each takes 90 seconds yeah 30 seconds from each episode slowed down at that uh one third so it's 90 seconds plus a black and white yeah plus a title card that explains which each episode in order is if it's like you know uh zach alphanakis wears a hoodie yeah episode 102 and the title of those cards are slowed down also so those cards are on screen for and can i. Can I say, in between the images, because you can't hear the dialogue when it's going that slow, we are going to have text on the screen with sort of a transcription of what they were saying in the scene. And that's probably going to take about 90 seconds as well. Sure. And is there any chance, I know this wasn't an episode, can we at least cobble this together in post?

Because he's going to beat me with that deflated cut basketball. Can I ask how he manages to turn that into a weapon by cutting a basketball open? Because he cut finger holes in it, too. Oh, wow. So it's like you can whip it all over the place. And he goes, yeah! But you'd have to get pretty close to it. When you said finger holes, I thought that it's like a glove.

And this is terrible, but this is just maybe what Joe Ingles would call it, is like Basque knuckles. Mm-hmm. Like basketball knuckles. Yeah, he just says it's time is all he says. He doesn't even have a play of words. But he'll beat me with that thing if we don't fake a Joe Ingalls episode of Comedy Bang. Joe Ingalls wears a Utah Jazz road jersey.

I guess we could just show a clip of him playing in a game. Sure. And say that it's a Comedy Bang Bang episode. Ingles inbounds. And that's like what you see. Does he ever do the inbounds? Yeah, he will. Because you know he's got to watch.

Because you can throw it back out to him. Sean, you always got to watch out for the guy inbounding you always gotta watch out for the guy inbounding they give it right back to him yeah ingles for three yes and the foul ingles is on fire or whatever right can they do that Joe Ingles wears a Utah Jazz road jersey and say that was the final episode Ingles inbounds

so the whole episode is are we still eating the slice of pizza upside down to start? And it's going to be pesto, also pizza. That way it's green like a Christmas tree. Okay, but some of that is going to be falling off when we turn it upside down. Yeah. Most of it is.

Or unless we make it cold pizza, that way it won't be so cold. Kind of crust it on. Yeah. Okay, that can just be a little trick for us. Sure. They don't know it's cold. We'll figure, props will figure that out. And so then we hear the songs of the different people.

Who died. And then we say, oh, no, they died. And we know that because we heard their song. Because their songs start playing. Okay. And then you guys look, and you're in front of the Macy's window, right? Oh, wow, okay. Yeah.

Yeah. And then you're just like i think i understand the true hey sean i think i understand the true spirit of christmas what's that haze just chilling with a good friend and buying him a nice present that's that's what's crack-a-lackin and then is either of us eating like a condom full of like uh

you know sriracha or something that's good then it's like you hear in the background a vendor like a street food guy going condoms full sriracha condoms full of sriracha hey buddy you want a condom full of sriracha uh sounds good haze we'll split one. Two straws, please. Bye.

Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby. That was a HeadGum Podcast.