Hollywood Handbook - Tom Scharpling, Our Maintenance Friend

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

TOM SCHARPLING returns to do some maintenance on the show. Subscribe on Patreon and watch the full video recording of this episode here. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i'm in the kitchen uh the um play-doh kitchen and i'm making the play-doh kitchen yes yes i'm in the play-doh kitchen and i'm making play-doh quesadillas and uh it's one of the main things i know how to make i know how to make two things really which is play-doh lollipops and play-doh quesadillas and play-doh soda healthy play-doh soda and healthy play-doh soda as well but i so i'll usually make a lollipop and then when the stick falls out sorry Make a lollipop, and then when the stick falls out... Sorry. Keep going.

Yes, I'll flatten out the head of the lollipop, and then I'll fold it over, and now it's a quesadilla. And what I'm finding is, as fun as it is to imagine these things are quesadillas, what if I really did start eating heaps of them? Just piles and piles of them because this is my experience with quesadillas especially when they're like when they're cut up into little tiny slices i don't even realize how many i've had yeah and it's like okay i can eat like a few of these but now i'm actually eating like so much quesadillas and so you're eating all this

and i'm eating all of it i'm eating more than i even realized and i'm going this is now at this point more expensive than a meal of quesadillas would have been because of how much play-doh play-doh's you know jeep in this town in the amount that i am ingesting it no it's not cheap this is a town where people have big imaginations okay and so something that like when you have a visual idea and you need something to like articulate like articulate like visualize this instantly before it's gone uh yeah you need to have some play-doh like well i don't say i'm a writer i don't say i'm a writer yes i say i am a play-doh designer okay i was gonna say a sculptor and the blank page is like my big rock yeah and

the blank page i'm chipping away that's my play-doh yes and the words are under there under the blank page and i'm chipping chip chip chip away at this and i reveal what's just what's underneath waiting to come out and it is why so many uh penis yes well i was gonna speaking of penis so it is why so many of my scripts are about to are about balls and snakes because that is ultimately you know a lot of times and flat like pancakey things did you hear a noise before i did hear a really loud noise i want to say something to kevin can you clarify for me so i was in another zoom for just like a work thing and we did not have a maintenance square in that zoom this happened to me too i was on a zoom jury i've barely done any

of these except for the show no i do it for the show and then i really try not to use it but then i had a separate uh event it was a work event it was i was being honored um well i just what it was a prize uh for is that baddest bitch in la what what okay i'm hearing now it's here it sounded like actual maintenance like pipes are being operated on or something okay tom hey hey tom welcome to hollywood wood ham book tom you're the maintenance man oh yeah yeah I'm maintenance zoom maintenance okay well we were just trying to unpack this because we were saying you know

like obviously baddest bitch in LA award is a really huge event and they did not require maintenance and I didn't get a charge I didn't get an invoice at the end of the session either of a separate zoom maintenance fee but we've been getting this throughout the pandemic every time we record there is a maintenance box so that's been you you've been so the whole time we've been doing this show during the pandemic you have been in the maintenance box yes yes i've been i've been aboard monitoring fixing tweaking you've been doing stuff you've been working on the show oh my god i am i look i take my position very seriously on this show i'm the third host third boy okay you've not been doing you haven't been doing that at all no well i honestly have been hard to get a hold of at that at that capacity but you've been here for every single

episode yeah to what i mean to like clean up a mess if it happens i'm just tracking the the the just all the shit i'm just tracking all of it. Do you do this for any other shows? No, just you guys. It's fine. Well, it's nice to see you. I just like... Yeah, it's just a weird... Hold on.

Wait. Hold on a second. Okay. Yeah, it looks good. It looks good. Okay. What were you looking at? was what were you looking at something are you looking at us visually no i'm looking at some meters the meters looking at the meters

yeah we're kind of capping out here hold on a second capping yeah it's better that's better what again this doesn't happen on other zooms and i just want to say for keeping track of like the the sound or whatever it is that you're looking at you're gonna get on this squeaky chair yeah the chair is really loud well guess what the chair is a part of the job how could that be true because i move the chair around and then it moves the, and then I see where we're at. That's the test. Yes. Okay, got it. Yes, it's a stress test. You have to be making noise all the time. Yeah.

So the chair has to be loud. The chair has to be extra squeaky. It was very expensive to actually get a chair extra squeaky. Calibrated to maximum squeak levels. Yeah, at OfficeMax. They did not like me at OfficeMax when I was testing the chairs. I was just like, this one's not squeaky enough did you negotiate this kevin like were you involved in this at all because we just showed

you know you have this like you know but you set it all up obviously yeah yeah i was told from an email i didn't recognize that this was mandatory so i just assumed we we had to have this monthly billing uh for maintenance i assumed you guys okayed this yeah it's forty one hundred dollars a month forty plus lunch and plus lunch plus lunch as well yes what's lunch uh usually just something i can throw in the microwave i want to get back to the show cost not what did you eat for lunch oh eighty dollars eighty dollars for something you throw in the microwave yeah what are you throwing in there like hungry man things and then it turns out they're made out of metal and then they metal messes up the microwave and

i gotta get a new mic so we're buying a new microwave a couple of times a week yeah and you're not even getting good food out of it it's just wasteful yeah i think i'd be less angry you ever had a hungry man dinner sounds like uh i have i have actually i lived off hungry man dinners back when i was a hungry man before i earned my keep which hungry man did you don't before i earned my seat and i'll fight to the death to keep it here at the table where the decisions get made i'm in the room where it happens lynn man well now which hungry man did i have turkey Turkey and chips. Lynn Hungry Man. Well, he did. That is true. Turkey and chips is one of the Hungry Man dinners.

It's one of the main ones. Turkey and chips. Hot microwaved chips. With a zebra cake. The zebra cake is really good when you double zap it. The zebra cake kind of just melts over the corn. I might just have to take a break right now and actually get back to the microwave i'm hungry i'm hungry all right tom and i want to say again it is really nice to see you last time i heard from you i heard you were moving la to open up the tropical m&m store yes it was a bold experiment

and i'm telling you the stats on this thing were looking so good and then this goddamn pandemic okay it's a pandemic this was i heard this what i heard this was happening this was like june that i heard you were do it like last june so the pandemic was it was in full swing was absolutely happening at that point and that's where you were like tropical oh this would be so refreshing for summer tropical m&ms and i didn't you know i just thought to my you didn't ask me about this tell me you wouldn't want right now to just reach into a bowl and scoop out a giant handful of mango m&ms you said yeah mango passion fruit guava papaya yeah a pineapple of course yeah dragon fruit i mean they all sound like like none of them would go great as a or like as chocolate i mean m&ms as far as i know aren't

really flavored at all no i think of them just as chocolate and then the shell always sort of taste the same wait hold on wait hold on a second yellow's not flavored like lemon you can't tell you ever had an m&m well not yet i mean i've kind of corporate start a new business the owner's the last one to start getting a piece of the pie okay it's true for the p of the m&ms's. That's my experience with this show, yes. So, yeah. That's Mark Cuban. Mark Cuban, he lived in a ditch when he first started Broadcast.com. If he ever slept, which he didn't. No, but he would have had to sleep in a ditch.

Which, by the way, then he sold the ditch. At a loss. And you know what he said? He he said i'll sleep when i'm dead that was his big thing i'll sleep when i'm dead and then now he likes to yell and the ref shakes his fist and gets mad when he goes cuban like the ref's always like cuban that was a that was traveling and he's like you dumb motherfucker when he yells back at the ref and then the ref is like yeah say that to my face and he turns around he puts his face right up against the guy's ass and he's like i couldn't tell the difference and he's like you're out of here, Cuban.

I'd love to see a ref end up on Shark Tank. That showdown. To see those two in a totally new environment. And the ref has a business, a solid business that's doing good numbers. You know, something like the Tropical M&M's idea. Damon is faking holding back Mark. Mm-hmm. Take it easy holding back mark let me at him mark mark calm down he's not worth it mark robert's like actually scared robert is believing this that mark this is i'm getting really nervous mark this is inappropriate for the show now speaking of the show since I've been here for every episode of the show over the last 13 months.

Yeah. I kind of noticed a few things you missed. That we missed? Yeah, a few opportunities. What, like financially? No, no, just joke wise joke wise joke opportunities yeah i just want to make sure you get every part of the animal so you have been watching us and you've been observing there have been moments and i've had this too i have this every time i

listen to a podcast i understand this where i'm listening i'm thinking like oh it'd be so funny oh it'd be so funny if they say this i wonder if they say this and then they sometimes they do and i'm like wow that was i'm as funny as this that makes me feel good and sometimes bad because when they don't say it i I get to think, man, great podcast, love listening to it. The only thing missing was moi. Yeah. Well, that's how I've been feeling for the last year plus.

Okay. When I hear some of the ideas just sitting there on the table unused. Wow. The zingers, the lampoonooning the gaffes yeah a harvard man never misses a lampoon that's true so you've been making about sixteen thousand five hundred dollars a month sitting there and plus lunch lunch. Plus lunch. Plus lunch, yeah, another. How are you?

I can see you. Your microwave is right there, right next to your computer? Yeah. And you're blowing it up. I barely saw your hands move. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. This is the top of the microwave.

That seems really dangerous. I wouldn't want it. Why isn't it in the kitchen or something? Is that the kitchen? Well, if it's in the kitchen, I might miss some of the show. Here we go. Hungry man time. I'm going to let it cool.

Okay. And it didn't sound like that one was very metallic. So that's good. Sounded like that one went pretty smoothly. That saved us a little bit of dough at least. Oh, yeah. But it's leaking some kind of fluid, though. This microwave is beat did you just

i think it's gasoline or is there gasoline in a microwave i'm sorry i just heard not usually it sounded like a cat um well the cat works for me he's my assistant okay kevin the cat's name is kevin uh-huh the cat's rich huh yeah because the person who previously had this cat um willed everything to the cat and every though everyone was like is that an outrage like the family was like what at the will reading and the cat's sitting there in the chair and then the cat i would that's when i worked for the cat actually and i had to like lower these sunglasses onto the cat and hold up a thing that said deal with it with it over the cat's head wow and the family was so mad that's what knives out was based

on right i knew it was based on something that happened to you. I couldn't remember. If you watch the credits, it says based on a tale, T-A-I-L, by Tom Sharpling and Kevin the Cat. Okay, but you were saying, and do you want us to go through episode by episode and say some bits that we didn't do that we should have done? Yeah. I mean, we've been doing a lot of zingers, honestly. I'd be surprised if we were missing any.

It's possible that we did do them. As I'm hearing this, I'm thinking, maybe we actually did do these. I don't think I left much on the table. Yeah. You left a few, yeah. A few things. Do you have a list of the episodes, Kevin?

Yes, sir. Just give me any one. I've heard all of them. I know have a list of the episodes, Kevin? Yes, sir. Just give me any one. I've heard all of them. I know everything about all of it. I watched everything, saw it all. Sona Movsesian, our Freak Show Friday friend. Okay, so that's when Sona from Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend came on the show, and it was Freak Show Friday.

And I don't remember that much else about that one but i remember that what i remember is we did a lot of zingers i remember scoring yeah quite a you both score you both scored a bunch on that one but you left some of the big themes on the on the on the table um okay yeah that was more of a comedic thematic one where okay i thought there should have been a whole coney island aspect to it where you guys are just like like conan island because it was conan well that's because of conan yeah so you like you could have said conan island coney island freak show and then you just start doing like piercings like like doing piercings piercing ourselves yeah doing piercings on the show yeah oh and then we're eating a friday okay yeah okay and so not even like

piercing our ears like freak show type piercings which is like what like what's an example of like you you you you you're uh you're ding-dongs oh no we pierce our ding-dongs on the show our ding-dongs on the show as part of the show and first of all i don't really is that a freak show the carnival freak show thing you go in and you see someone with a pierced ding-dong i don't think that's part of like a normal freak show i thought an island like their island some of the most pierced ding dongs you've ever when i'm in deconi islands i've seen a few pierced ding dongs um i've been there and i haven't is this at like the boardwalk or this is like residential parts of it was in the nathan's men's room men's room yeah the men's room at the nathan's okay you know what i order when i go to nathan's it's it's kind of surprising uh the uh noodles you get you get noodles noodles yeah

i just go and i just go uh hey, noodles, some buttered noodles. And I whip that up. Maybe a couple of dry meatballs on top. And they have meatballs? They have meatballs, yeah. It's a secret menu at Nathan's. It's a secret menu. I order off menu at Nathan's as well.

So you order spaghetti with no tomato sauce? and i'll put a butter on it what do you get sean what uh yeah at nathan's yeah well i say give me first i go give me two buns straight up and then i say and i'm gonna chase that with the coldest daiquiri you've ever seen so what i and what i'll do is i'll slam the buns down so basically so that i'm choking on them and then i need the daiquiri to force them the rest of the way down my esophagus and it is a little bit of a freak show for people to enjoy and it really gets me in the spirit of coney island i actually will be a part of the nathan's hot dog bun eating contest which is happening this uh yeah this fourth of july in the nathan's men's room uh not the main stage that's where joey chestnut and company do their business at the same time simultaneously yeah yeah wow and that's

honestly a pretty big opportunity because you know joey chestnut is is gonna be there pretty soon yeah and so like he comes running in that's why we got to hurry he comes running in it's the contest so you don't have to hurry very quickly there's no speed element to the competition you just have to hurry because joey chest that is is about to need the the space yes he's and you just when you hear just like chestnut coming through chestnut coming through get out of the way you just know it's like we better wrap this hot dog bun eating contest up are you dipping them yeah you dip them in green tea is that right yeah green tea matcha tea yeah just green tea yeah yeah just it's it's it's it's like a it's like a lubricant wow the tannins actually loosen up the bun consistency and it's it's really uh ingenious but yeah i've seen you dip those buns in green tea

i wash my buns down with a cold daiquiri then i'll usually get a chicken cordon bleu you know for me nathan's is you know it's like jazz it's about what they don't offer chicken cordon blue yeah not chicken cordon blue chicken cordon blue blue he's not a vampire okay yeah blue yeah chicken cordon blue chickenon bleh i'll tell you okay you get there on on the weekend they got their b team in there and it could be a little chicken cordon bleh the week it's worse on the weekend yeah yeah it's better on a weekday the best nathan's the best nathan's food is going to be when they have their all-star chef who gets to pick his shifts. Okay.

You're going to want to go in there probably on a Tuesday morning around 8 a.m. That's when you get the chicken cordon bleu. Oh. Okay. Kevin, what's another episode that we did? Who's another guest? Yeah.

Haley Joel Osmond, our new business partner wow he did the show that's right that's awesome that's cool that was great for us i remember we talked about wine it was something with uh kevin what helped me it was something related to like olive oil company or kevin help me kevin help me hayley joel olive hayley joel olives yes we're making hayley joel olives and it was something with like he was making olive oil i don't know why i think it was about wine uh but i remember scoring a huge number of times in that episode i remember just putting uh many many points on the board it is a little hard for me to believe oh you scored you scored but it was just it was just uh you're like pete maravich

you're putting up 60 and you lost by 30 okay i accept that i like i remember i may not have been as funny because we don't know hailey joel all that well and i spent a lot of time making him really comfortable doing the show which is part of being a host and i remember kind of holding his hand and making sure that he felt safe and protected and like the show was a positive experience for him and i remember scoring a ton of points and being funny as all fucking get out. And that's the Shane Battier role. Sure, yes.

I'll put up 50 to 70 empty points. And Sean is Shane Battier. He didn't need to touch the ball to have a huge impact. He wasn't on the court. On what's happening. Yeah, doesn't even need to be on the court, but is running around on the court but is like running around on the sidelines in a way that's like making everyone on his team very comfortable and also

scoring also putting up and really high podcast iq yeah oh no i see that i see the game within the game but with the hailey joelment one, you missed a key opportunity. You should have been like, I see dead people beating their meat. Right? And just done a whole thing about how you see dead people, but they're like. The dead people are beating their meat. How are we setting that up in your mind? Or is that like, I'm just trying to figure out like

is there like is there a path to that like sure kevin kevin pretend you're hailey joel osment with the guys hey guys hey what's up hailey joel thank you so much for joining uh hey it's me haze i see dead people beat their meat right wow like that this is interesting because i and he's loving it he said wow when he heard that yeah okay all right i i actually do remember that i believe the maintenance bill that i got from this episode had like a little note beneath it that said something about the seventh sense is beating your me or it was yeah that was me i was trying to and i thought that was odd to put on a on a maintenance invoice but i also you know i didn't really have any way to interact like i went you know if i reply i just get like a

you know do not reply to this email kind of thing yeah yeah no but i was trying to get the message in there without stepping on toes yeah i mean i remember like not talking about the movie at all yeah making a conscious choice to be like okay well he's probably like probably done talking about it okay he's great in it he's great in the movie he's not very maybe it's but if you talk okay you think he was bad he knows he kind of sucks in the movie he kind he knows he kind of sucked in the movie you should have talked to him also about you should have leaned into the the kevin spacey pay it forward stuff too right just really gotten into that and i'm remembering now it said pee it forward underneath the seventh sense thing and i and i really didn't even think

about that at all i just assumed it was a typo but now yeah p it forward this is this is how that should have gone kevin you be hailey joel osmogun i'll be i'll be sean this time hey thanks for having me hey hailey joel thank thank you so much for doing hey so uh kevin space that guy's a sick fuck right yeah what hey say what about it chan he's sick he's sick in the head why didn't you kill him wow you were so close you could have valkyried him so you're suggesting it forward it's not even in that that's that didn't even come up you're suggesting that hayley joel osmond should have set off a bomb on on the set of pay it forward to kill kevin spacey yeah wow and this i guess this is after i've said i see dead people beating their meat yeah which would have gotten them to loosen up and have fun and then we're into his over

and i guess like confess why he didn't over how do you say this word uh uber uber we're already into his uber at that point yeah you couldn't start with the pay it forward stuff that would have been too much too soon you'll warm them up with a couple laughs and the okay your meat thing and we're trying to get him to confess why he didn't blow up kevin spacey on on the set of pay it forward which could have really hurt some other people too yeah i think maybe that was there maybe that might have been his somebody was there wow these are like i honestly like yeah we didn't do this stuff you know these are look you guys have been i guess bogus i guess that is that gerard depardieu he turned out to be kind of a bad guy too huh he like he avoided his taxes or something i guess do you think that hailey joel osmond should have killed him should he

have blown him up on the set of bogus he probably should have just taken him in just done citizens arrest yeah just on general principles just arrest him and let him sort it out down at the station to this day i see dick cheney out in the streets that he's eating at a diner citizens arrest yeah i see dick cheney at the diner citizens arrest for shooting his friend's face that's it cuffs what's another one kevin tim heidecker our tim xm friend okay so that was the second time tim had done the show god i remember that one being awesome uh first one a little shaky a little scary second time i remember it just clicked uh felt way better yeah i was fully in my bag i scored over and over a c minus in the comedy bang bang sense that that fan base says that about things they like or whatever yeah yeah that's like you you you so

you like that joe and you're no you should. With that, you really left some big swings on it. Like, yeah, you were hitting singles. But where was the Grand Slam? Okay. What would the Grand Slam have been with Tim? With Tim, you guys should have created a character named Tim, middle initial N, Eric, right? And then you say just like,

here comes Tim and N, Eric. And then just, then you do that character. Okay, so we've been doing some play acting. So Kevin, why don't you be Tim and then maybe Tom can show me what this would sound like. What Tim and Eric sounds like. and then maybe tom can show me what this would sound like him and eric sounds like we've so we've never done characters in this way on the show really yeah i know but okay okay it sounds like you're frustrated that that's an issue a little bit a little i am okay okay i'm trying to be

positive but i have to say you're not there's a fair amount of anger running right below the surface with the things okay you're just upset okay got it yes because i know you guys could be great we've got the potential i see it we got the potential to create tim and eric yeah the character who talks to tim heidegger and somehow makes the episode better yes okay kevin you beat tim heinecker hey guys thanks for having me thanks so much for doing the show it's me tim and eric what's your credit card number uh excuse me give me all Not just the number, the three digits too. I need that too. Okay. And the expiration date?

Yeah, of course the expiration date. He's giving Tim and Eric his credit card number. I need to buy a new microwave. Okay. 4-3-1. Pick it up. The beginning of his credit card is only three numbers. Yeah, it's a weird way to read a credit card also.

Just read the four numbers. Yeah, that's how they're broken up. I only read numbers in triplets. Kevin, although Tim does a lot of this sort of out there weirdo comedy, he might read a credit card number, but it would feel funny when he did it. I feel a little concerned about the way the character was introduced you just said hey this is tim and eric and i don't think you would understand the middle initial concept from how from how that actually played out on the show no that one might be on me then yeah you're right

hey we're none of us are perfect huh so you so you think that's you agree that's a big issue that none of us are perfect no that just like the middle initial thing really the way the character comes in we would somehow need it would be better in writing perhaps uh than on an audio show and it's not connected to anything related to his show to tim and air which like i imagine is also something for him he's doing so much stuff now i don't know if that's something that he really wants to and something you seem to find that i was suspicious about is that it beyond the name it really gave you absolutely nowhere to go. Look, maybe it's a hat. It might be a hat on a hat. Okay, that's fair.

I don't think that's what it is. I don't think it's a hat on a hat. It doesn't. No, that's fine. I appreciate you backing off it, but I would like to be on the same page about why. Look, we can all agree it's a hat on a hat. I overthought it.'s i overthought it yeah overthought it doesn't seem right either i don't know i think it's just the brim of one hat

yeah it seems like it's not a full hat at all okay whatever look we'll hang it we'll we'll put a it then. At best, it's a hat on a head. By which I mean, not something to be remarked upon normally. Hollywood Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready to eat meals. Every fresh, never frozen meal is chef-crafted, dietitian-. Delicious, ready-to-eat meals. Every fresh, never-frozen meal is chef-crafted, dietitian-approved, ready-to-go in just two minutes.

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I don't want, I can cancel it with a tap. I never have to get on the phone with customer service the subscriptions are insidious they're the scourge of our modern life and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged i know that i was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before i found out how much it was costing yes that they intended to send me by the way you'll this will shock you 54 dresses if i did not cancel and i you know oh that one's got an end point by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh, they were not from the movie. They didn't resemble anything from the movie.

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that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys ho Handbook okay Kevin we've done so many episodes I guess we're going to do all of them but what's another one

Iowa Debris our interesting topics friend awesome episode killer episode we talked about so many interesting topics episode was smart and also of course insanely funny I scored on interesting topics episode was smart and also of course insanely funny i scored uh

on god i remember like almost everything i said just was hit which was incredible because i was the mvp of the episode yeah and we had it yeah we had an amazing guest and yet i was the one uh in the clutch sinking shot after shot i was unconscious the entire time shooting the lights out and i was so funny and you were scoring like at like a madman like yes like a man possessed it was demonic uh but you think we missed something tom yeah i think you missed a lot of small moments in that one like small moments like the reactions need to be more like there needs to be more like classic comedy reactions like like like we're horny well it's almost like a ghost is like an abbott and costello like oh

like where he we're encountering frank Frankenstein or something in this scenario. Where Costello sees something, but Abbott doesn't. Yes. And I can't quite get out the words to tell my buddy Abbott. Okay. Or in that case... That the wolf man is behind him. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you want to change... Sorry, Tom. Just your name being Maintenance the whole time was like very... Do you want to just like change it? I mean mean i don't know if you need to keep that i i ideally you would not still be doing this in future episodes so like maybe i don't know maybe you can change that to something else so i so sean like i'm doing the show and sean is seeing something scary yeah werewolf behind you man yeah yeah wolfman or or a werewolf if we can't get clearance if we can't get the rights of universal monsters to the actual wolfman we just say this

the werewolf the wolf man yeah yeah it's the werewolf a lupine yeah yeah and it should have been just kind of like uh like like that like okay well let's let's play it out let's do it again so who am i i'm sean yeah so kevin you be io please okay hey guys thanks for having me back io uh we're so excited to have you you kick ass let's get ready to have a really fun episode tom i'm trying to do the episode right now don't distract me i'm i'm here to introduce sean yeah i oh yeah that is see this is the kind of thinking that's stopping these what did you change your i'm just seeing maintenance comma let me see what you actually changing maintenance i'm not a maintenance man i'm a maintenance sean gets it sean gets it i just i get it i just couldn't see it now you gotta get it you gotta stop listening to this stuff and

listen to some contemporary hip-hop okay i'm just trying it out do you want to do it sean i was curious if i could do it even i want to give you a shot at it sean let's give sean a chance okay do you want to be haze then tom no no i'm gonna sit back and judge this one okay okay i oh i'm so excited to do a kick-ass episode with you you have absolutely been falling out on big mouth sean i'm trying to do the show right now john we have we have a really the what the what you need some you need some water okay we can't we can't say the wolf man we're saying the werewolf the fox the fox man who are you talking about peter griffin it's io it's but he's a man okay so in this it was the fox man but now it's a version where it's the brian man we could possibly get some dog brian as a man and you're

scared of that yeah that was outstanding you thought that was really felt good here okay that would have made that episode an a plus felt good here and i could imagine io getting in there with some funny stuff too getting her licks in and maybe kevin can add in some sound effects almost like a like a as if you're tapping you're tapping haze not now yeah and then maybe a run and when you're and when you see the fox man your your eyes are blinking it's like you rub them that's yeah this is this is the stuff for next time wow okay miss the opportunity once you got to get it back yeah that i feel like i could it's sort of evergreen i could see

brian the dog from family guy uh you know combined with a man to be some sort of menacing creature dog man creature uh that i mean i guess if the wolfman issue is an ip thing this may be even worse but at this point we're locked into it and i'm willing to pay whatever the price is this is this seems like it would be significantly worse than more expensive for the wolfman concept what if we don't play that game wolfman werewolf and we swap it out for like tom sizemore okay it's the actor tom sizemore it's a man that has like changed partially into tom sizemore it's half tom sizemore half uh brian okay well then we still have b. Okay, that's the main issue. I thought that's what we were getting away from.

No, but we know it's Brian. What you took away is the concept of just a man, which we have that. We know it's Brian. And then when the Fox people come after us for that, we say, no, it's Snoopy. We're doing Snoopy. And then when the Snoopy people come and MetLife comes after you, you go, no no it's snoopy we're doing snoopy and then when when the snoopy people come in met life comes after you go no it's brian from like you just kind of you just keep spinning those i feel like all these dogs yeah are so excuse me i have to go into this this other meeting and you

like frantically put on your it's snoopy hat if it's half Tom Sizemore half Michael Madsen that could be interesting that's good that's good see now you've got the spirit and you're running with it okay this is what the last year has been missing on the show okay

a whole year I'm always open to trying to make the show better I don't know if we were missing necessarily like a snoopy brian michael madsen tom size more hybrid creature appearing behind haze that he can't see and i'm grabbing especially over zoom you know the limitations are significant because i know well my wife has actually been like asking for ways to get involved in the show and so i you know i think our costume i've heard dress up as snoopy but like i don't

know like if it's half tom sizemore i don't know it just has like a lot of chest hair or something i don't really know what the i like i don't even know if that's something you would associate with him i don't know what that would look like and i'm just like but you know i think we could probably figure out a way to like my wife dresses up as that and then sneaks in and like, Sean is scared. And I get like, how does it kill? Hayes, you'll eventually go, so it's a monster, huh? Huh, Sean? And then Sean will go like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you'll go, he's right behind me, isn't he? Okay.

And then I turn around and what, like, it kills me? What is it? No, then you go like blink on the teeth dink oh yeah i'm sorry tom i have to give you a note on your no if you're gonna say he's standing right behind me isn't he you have to start with a list of unattractive qualities you say well it better not be tom sizemore he's stinky he's ugly he's unprofessional and he's standing right behind me isn't he sean i just want to give you the keys to the chocolate factory that was the test okay you got my man, you got it. Is there a separate tropical fruit flavoring facility?

Well, the Oompa Loompas are really focusing on trying to get as much guava into these M&Ms as possible. There's real guava in there. Real, yeah. No chocolate in these things. And that's another big, big problem. No chocolate. Okay, it's just a candy show. there real yeah no chocolate in these things and that's another big part no chocolate okay it's just finally got rid of the thing everyone hated about m&ms the chocolate

we heard you we and we're listening and yeah we will try to do better that's it the people at m&ms were just like we've done a lot of talking over the years, and it's time we did some listening. You guys don't like chocolate, but you like mango. We'd like to have a discussion. It's like black and white footage of a march. They just misunderstood. something went really wrong okay kevin what happened next and us doing the show we also had one more we've done all the rest kenny the jet smith wow yeah really exciting episode incredible i uh i scored not that many times but also the episode was very short and i think under the circumstances that's the absolute best i could

have done i have i probably had my best game in terms of like per minute perspective like yes and i knew i had to get my licks in while you know while i had the time and so like yeah i only had a couple minutes i made them count yeah and i don't see anywhere that could have possibly improved that episode i don't know i probably would have leaned into how um he was a he was a veteran point guard at that point and got shown the door by Sam Cassell. You would have leaned into that. Leaned into, yeah. By what point? You say he's a veteran point guard by that point.

94, 95, when they won those rings. What's it like to have had a rookie show up and just clean your clock? When they won the rings is that even really like in 94 like he was he played a pretty significant role on that team right you just say what's it like to have a rookie clean your clock he'll know what you mean yeah hell no uh so that's a joke we missed out on yeah yeah or like in the whole area where we make him say what it's like to have sam cassell show up and clean his clock yeah and then you have kevin arranged to have a box there for kenny to open on the show and inside of it is a dirty clock like a dirty clock and you say

clean that clock okay sorry but isn't it didn't he get his clock cleaned cleaned for him so shouldn't the clock be clean and you say like the compliments of sam cassell yeah or it's dirty and you say sorry this was supposed to go to sam cassell so he could clean it then it was supposed to go to you hey but it is yours haze thank you here's another set of keys to the chocolate factory oh wow you did it son makes mine a little less meaningful if you're just giving out a lot no that's it there's only then can we go at the same time yeah okay there's only two keys and there's two entrances you guys never have to see each other you'd be like those twix guys that's important

to me yeah the right and left twix yeah yeah what it's up what's up with the right and left tropical evidence because they're only what they don't like sort that way traditionally no there's like it's one of the hurdles it's one of the hurdles and we were so close to cracking the code on that and then this goddamn pandemic just really knocked us out again this this was introduced like for what i heard the press releases you've been sending out like like three weeks ago yeah we had been deep into the pandemic then this was a regrouping and it was you know it was like forget everything you thought you knew about m&ms oh no it said forget everything you thought you knew about tropical m&ms

yeah we're about to turn this bitch on its head how's this grab you right and left tropical M&Ms with real guava inside an artificial guava shell. And best yet, no chocolate. Yes. Yeah, that's right. I just don't know. At that point, I remember associating that announcement with feeling like we were really coming out of this pandemic-wise.

Yeah. I don't really see how the pandemic is responsible for the failure of the right and left tropical M&Ms. And there was some charity element where it was like, for every M&M I buy, one left M&M will be given to somebody Swiss. I really couldn't understand because they've had too much chocolate. Yeah. It really didn't track for me.

I've seen this kind of thing where Tom's will give a pair of shoes to it, but this one, I couldn't quite follow the logic of it. Can you walk me through it? Yeah, it's pretty simple. M&M's have always been, and thanks to the new tropical menu, they classify as fruit, and they will be in the produce section of the grocery store. And you order them off a menu at the produce section of this of the grocery store and you order them off a menu at the produce section is there a concierge look you've never seen a menu

that has candy on it your store works like a restaurant it has a little down and order m&ms off a menu you've never eaten dinner at a grocery store okay i guess i guess have you never once i guess i've never eaten dinner at a grocery store yeah i say they say don't go hungry what do you think that room is for in the back that room okay yeah there's a door there and so that leads into a place where you like a place where you can eat the food for dinner. Yeah. You pick out what you want, you take it back there, you eat, and then you just bring the wrappers up front and pay.

Okay, where's the menu come in? Yeah, that doesn't sound... The waiter brings it to you. But you just picked everything that... Oh, you... Okay. All right. In the parking lot, there's a waiter.

Okay. Okay. I thought, yeah, maybe... Sometimes I see a guy collecting carts or whatever. Maybe he's the waiter. He is not the waiter. He's the guy who collects the carts. So is there also...

Can you confirm a rumor that I've heard about the the tropical m&m setup which is that there is also a menu of swiss women and you select which one is going to be assigned the free left m&m because to me it's it's it raises some questions that it starts to feel a little unsavory i don't know what criteria people are using to pick like who gets one or whether they were even voluntarily photographed they're all candids i'm wondering and this is me trying to help as well that you if you feel like removing the chocolate from the M&M is somehow negatively impacting Swiss Miss. The Swiss community?

Yeah. Hot chocolate that you think is like, you need to compensate Swiss women. Because a Swiss Miss normally would have had her chocolate cooled down to go inside the m&m yeah that's it that's it okay i do like the logo marshall mathers and board shorts i i think that that is like actually really clever and i can't believe you got him for this. I mean, he's a huge celebrity. Just to give you

a positive to go out. I feel we kind of picked apart your business a little bit. Marshall Mathers in Roxy brand board shorts. He's cool. He had so many great stories. He told you story at the photo shoot

like what what's one story that that marshall mathers told you working with apatow he talked about working with judd apatow right no mod no of course judd yeah he talked about working with judd what he like what he just lets him go he just lets him go he was ready to just read what was on the page and then judd took the page and crumpled it up right in his face he said you just do what you want to do and he let him film for 11 hours on film huh no film yeah they do shoot on film that's why it looks so good well i'm reading this mtv headline from 2009 that says eminem's funny people scene kills judd apatow says he was really funny willing to say anything director recalls of rapper's cameo okay yeah it was pretty shocking that eminem would say anything yeah pretty i know judd was pretty shocked that that that eminem

would be outrageous he was a fantastic actor and the best moments ever in my career were pitching him new jokes to say and making him laugh really hard apatow said and when you see eminem laugh his face just lights up and it just it just makes you feel like a child again on christmas morning just the joy of eminem just laughing and having a good time he laughs his face just lights up he he was an amazing actor and he laughed at all my shit i was being funny and he's a good actor thanks for asking okay are you gonna like what's the future of this time are you gonna like are you gonna still be around are you going off to do other things like what's what what can we

expect from this i'm probably gonna need to get some sort of uh garbage removal service for all these microwaves to start with they're really hanging on to the destroyed microwaves and they're possibly gonna tip over on you and kill you yes okay that's so i could use a little bit of money you need more money okay all right yes please okay that's not good okay bye yes this week on the patreon carl and asan discuss weddings the boys do a teaser freezer for the space between and the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes including today's with tom sharpling

at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones that was a hate gun podcast