Hollywood Handbook - Tom Scharpling, Our Touring Friend

Episode Date: October 7, 2025

The Boys confront TOM SCHARPLING about stealing their tour right out from under them.Check out Tom on tour here!Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. So since we have this time, I want to make sure that the three of us, Kevin, I said three, up here, up here, coming. Just stop moving around. That all three of us have our details straight. I'd like to present a united front. Yeah, United, I was going to say unified. Do you want to pick now? I mean, this is part of it, right?

Whether we're going to say unified or united, like... Unified, united. I was going to say same. I usually hear a unified front, a united front. We present the same front. We present a same front is what I'm going to say a same front. So we can present a same front. So I got to say that's got a ring to it.

I like it too. I like it too. So just this is feeling better than. Basically, every other time this guest has been here. We had some time ahead of him arriving. He has a tendency to sort of divide and conquer, doesn't he? There's a bit of a tendency to do that. And I mean, this newest development I had not considered to be part of his character until now.

I sort of thought he was the devil I knew. Yes, he was a scamp. He was mischievous. he was a toxic person but to actually be this destructive and malicious this amoral underhanded to become really tricked dastardly this is an all time low actually and kevin please don't do a riff guitar riff sound no no no sorry okay so this guy okay here's my recollection of it we have been planning a tour for quite some time we haven't been on a tour in a while years we haven't even done a live show

we used to do these live shows at dynasty even we haven't done that haven't even done that let's keep the powder dry because we really want to get a live experience that we can bring on tour that's going to rock the house and we had been in touch with venues and arranging travel and the schedule was not public no you know for the most part as far as I know the only people who knew

were Kevin and we had spoken to Tom Sharpling because we have done live shows with him in the past we thought he could be a potential guest for one of the stops and he's always saying like let's get the band back together I know like the number of times

in a given two shows week that he will hit me up and say when is the band gonna start playing music together again with the oasis stuff

he's like oh hey it's hey it's Noel yeah Noel here or Liam I can be Liam if you want or you can be Liam

and I'll be Noel The way he says Noel, too, it's like, okay, we get that it with it looks like Noel and like you say it. But even the way you say it is kind of a music guy. It's too much Noel the way he says it. No. No. No. It's like, okay.

It gets like way down in his throat. Nole. So, but he, yeah, the entire Oasis tour, basically every show he would send me multiple clips of the two brothers on stage saying this could be us but you playing which i wasn't or i was playing only in the sense that the show is playful the show is playful the show we're supposed to be playing can it be this even on stage we can it be this could be us and you plan this yes they could it be can we have both could it be this is them and they're playing and we could do that too could also be playing we should try that too yeah but i but we said to tom would you like to do one

one of the shows maybe two and he said send me send me all the days everything every option yes i could possibly engage with and we we sent so we sent him there's a show what will you remind us the dates that we chose yeah what we what days and what venues and the venues yes we shows october 11th at the bell house yeah two shows at the bell house october 12th at the bell house our old stomping grounds i mean we had we had incredible show there no that was so good we met jeremy and rajat at that show wow and jeremy was so offended by an innocent comment i made i remember that that he decided never to reference us as like an influence or something he's a fan of

in any article for the rest of his life meanwhile Beck and Kyle can we talk about this? Yes not and Kyle Beck the way it's always like Beck and Kyle well Beck

so Beck who you know was was doing it long before we were doing anything like this when he gets asked what podcast he likes the list was and I'll give you the top

two right off the back smart list which might have been ironic Hollywood Handbook number two Do Boys was around like I think 12 or 13 in the list of names that he said

But he really ran through him and what impresses me most about that is I don't think he actually does listen to the show I don't think he's heard any of these shows so that to me is so much more impressive than if he actually did listen to it

and like it and was including it in a list. That was really amazing. But anyway, he's out there, you know, big celebrity, you know, banging the drum for us. Jeremy got a little taste. We're going to interview these guys. A big interview.

What can I possibly do to like, really like establish myself and like you know shore up this career long term in the interview i know burn the single biggest influence on my comedy that has ever existed because of innocent comment outside the bell house show it's it's nice when you have the opportunity to elevate other voices is to pick some that are older than you yeah yeah to pick some that have pushed the ladder up you push the ladder up ahead of there's people up there there's people who are on the ladder who have been stuck on some roads that are like rotting out

under their feet is hard for them physically to climb so if you could actually push it up just give it a little shove so they can get on to the platform without having to actually climb it themselves which is hard for them now it's really really difficult for older gentlemen to be safe on the ladder and the service that you provide these young people that you're talking about behind you

and i don't know what they were behind you was with you know brad and nick and stuff like you know like uh it's all kind it's all like everybody's around but these young people sort of hanging out next to you and stuff playing on the trampoline not even on a ladder that's how you guys get up high kids they their bodies are such that they're going to be able to climb the ladder they're like a shrimp and z going up that they'll be able to climb the ladder us on the ladder is very scary for us that's very scary

the only thing that makes it a little less scary is that we're not that high no that's true so we can when we look down we will be okay we will survive the fall and there are people going like just jump just step off just put your foot here

and I'm going I can't I can't it's too high it's not too high you're fine bring like a put a mattress down something soft we don't there's no room to get that under your foot

and your feet are too dirty we don't want to do that to the mattress any cushion that we could bring that would provide any sort of support to you won't fit under where you are so just step down you'll be off and you can go live your life

do something anything else anyway and Jeremy has now been saying with this Kimmel stuff Jeremy is like just posting very cryptically like this happened to me and I and I preach forgiveness

I was able to forgive which is like okay I don't I don't remember that happened yeah that's not something I so he says mr trump have i totally understand yeah i've been there mm-hmm unbelievable so he said mr trump two wrongs don't make a right incredible let's heal that's unbelievable and it's a picture of two hands holding that's crazy and one of them's really small that's supposed to be Marco Rubio? I don't know what. I don't get it. So, Tom, we send him the dates, two dates at that place, Bell House, Union Transfer in Philly.

October 13th. Lodge Room. Is that the 15th? Never performed there. Never performed there. But we've been talking about it. We were excited to. No, this is what we were, because the Bell House, like, we've done that, that was just to. kick it off in a way that's comfortable. Everyone's familiar with, they've seen us there, we've been there, and then we were going to go wild and start on the Lodrum. And go back to Chicago, our triumphant return to Chicago.

Yeah, yeah. Where we did a show with Tom, went on an architecture tour with him on a boat. Yeah. He'd never been on a boat before. It was the boat that Dave Matthews dumped his waist on from his, from his, was it a plane or a bus, a bus, from his bus, his bus off the side of the bridge.

So it was the same boat. And they put some Lusite, a Lusite cube over some of the waste. So that you could experience the magic of Dave Matthews's bandmates's, which Tom kept bringing up because he was like, that band never even broke apart.

He said, our band should stay together like that band. Yes. the and so finally we go back and forth we send him the dates we're like can you do any of these and he's like i'm just like we're figuring it out we're figuring it out it's like okay there's no we in this for you there's no we're figuring it out it's like can you do this or not and then i see him announce that he is doing a tour All of those dates exactly, exactly the way we had planned it.

Literally every single date, the same, every single time, the same, every single city, obviously the same. And mysteriously, all of the venues that we had had a deal in place with start to exercise this unique contingency that was in the contract. where they are allowed to cancel on us, cancel our shows with no penalty and put a nude picture of us on a website of their choosing. Any site. Which I was like,

when we sign these things, we go, this is never going to come up. And now, you know my Google alerts are on overdrive it's on MSN.com yeah which for a lot of people is the first thing that shows up that's the home page they're using that's the home page remember going to home room in school you start in homeroom and I don't appreciate so there's a little butterfly on msn.com I don't appreciate that the butterfly flies down and flies next to my parts for like a size yeah comparison yeah that I didn't need that

that part was not in the contract putting it on the website okay but then the website having a little butterfly fly down and be next to my parts for a size comparison and it's clear from the way it flies that it's one of those little butterflies you know what i mean the ones that like it's not like a monarch no no no it's one of those little like little flappers yes yes i think it might be a moth I think it might be a damn sweater moth So We say We call and we say

Hey, what happened here? Can we just Can we just go over what happened here? Let's talk this out. Let's get the band back together. One thing I said, let's get the band back together. You wanted to do shows in these venues. So did we. We can do them all. You know, we had offered you any date you want.

Let's do them all. And apparently They Oh, well, he's coming. He's coming. Okay. Hi, Tom. Hi, Tom. Hi, Tom. Hey, Tom. Why don't you have a seat? No, just over here. No, not next to Kevin. Not next to Kevin behind the desk. Why don't you go ahead and get? Do you get you anything? Crackle?

Crackle bar? Nestle Crackle? Oh, no, no. Mr. Goodbar? I'm allergic to all of that stuff. Okay. Sorry. A lone peanut, single peanut. Oh, I like that. That's pretty good. In the shell? Well, isn't... Half and half, maybe.

One of them is a lone peanut inside the bar, right? Or a lone almond sometimes. So what is it you're allergic to exactly? Tell me, what's the ingredient? Because we want to make sure that we're working around that. Seems like the peanut is okay. Peanuts are fine. Chocolate's okay.

Okay. Nugget is what I'm allergic to. Okay, so I don't think a Nestle. Crackle doesn't have nougat, it has rice. I think it's Trace elements. I don't believe that Mr. Goodbar has Nuget either. Trace elements of Nuget. I guess it's made in a factory where Nuget is being worked.

That's the problem, okay. These guys, and I mean, look, they're working hard, but, you know, they just get the stuff on their hands. You think their hands are covered in Nuget all day? Interesting, you think only guys can make candy bars. But they can't is what we're wearing. That's the thing. I think that it's only guys in that they can't. right now. Look, they, that's how

they do it. If I was running a candy bar factory, it would be open for everybody. You think everyone would, you would let everyone come in and make the candy? If they wanted. Hmm, that's interesting. You're sort of a reverse Willy Wonka.

And you're, who's at only maybe what five kids are allowed to come in. You know, would pass out tickets that those five kids weren't allowed to come in. Everyone but them. Yes. There'd be five golden tickets. and it would mean you're never allowed in my chalkin factory oh wow so there's five gold thinking that you open that you're banned for life everyone else can come in forever and you're

thinking is that the average person or almost anyone other than who currently works there would be able to make the candy bars better than who who does it well we'd find out uh-huh you know it's like a it's like a color me mind or a place where you just see what you're capable of well i mean i mean those are synonymous of course you want to find out what you're made of you want to test your metal head on down to color me mine get inside of color me mind yeah well i'm glad to see you're doing so well unicorn hug turning down yeah food yeah these days food just flows like water for me that yeah there was certainly a time where we didn't have to offer you a candy bar when you came in or or any kind of food you would

you would already have hit the kitchen and you'd be carrying a huge satchel that was overflowing with all of headgum's property. Yeah, usually I would have like a baby Bjorn. I would just fill up with candy and then kind of graze through the show.

And I wonder if this has something to do with something we were discussing before you got here. Yes. And we did want to get the details right so we can have a same front when it comes to uh what we're presenting here thanks good uh do you like that kevin that was good hollywood handbook well my lovely biznatches it's true it's just about sweater

weather and you know what that means i'm going to quince where as they always say on the top of their website you could really get that shit on yeah that's right around this time of year, I've got to put that shit on. Whether it's 100% Mongolian cashmere from just $60, classic fit denim, real leather and wool outerwear that looks sharp and holds up, or this suede trucker jacket I've had my eye on. You know I got to drive my truck and suede. A lot of people don't realize that I'm a long-haul trucker, and when I get on the CB radio, I want them to hear the silky suede coming through as I deliver the eggs to the grocery store just in time for them to be slid into the refrigerator so that you

you can pull them out. Yeah, I got double grade A brown eggs. And I've got those blue eggs that like must be good, right? Anyway, which quince items are part of my regular wardrobe lately? Well, let's say all of them. When you see me, I'm dripped out head to toe in quince. That's right. I'm fitted to be, uh, sitted on. That's right. People want to sit up my lap when they see how good I look in Quince and I can't, you know, blame them. So it's really become a go-to across the board and you can layer up this fall. Fall, that's the word I was looking for for the weather that's changing. This fall with pieces that feel as good as they look and look as good as they feel. Go to quince.com slash the boys for free shipping on your order in 365 day returns, now available

in Canada to A. Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash the boys free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash the boys saving money. Now that's sacred. Ever feel like managing your business finances is a full-time job on top of your actual full-time job? I haven't, but I know a lot of people do feel that way. But I can even like at home, I can hear them being like, yeah. Oh, yeah, I feel like that. But like I don't think they actually do. I haven't felt that way. It's a great question for the audience because I hear about people feeling that way all the time.

For me, I guess my actual full-time job feels like a full-time job. Right. And then managing my business finances, I guess also feels like a full-time job on top of your full-time job. So I guess it is exactly the feeling. Yeah, I guess as I break it down, I think I read it wrong or maybe I just answered too fast. Well, I did, I mean, I also did. Yeah, me too. Until I started using Found. found is a business banking platform that lets you effortlessly track expenses

manage invoices and prepare for taxes so should i say i don't feel that way anymore because i have found uh you should say i made kind of a meal out of saying i don't say i did feel that i did feel that way yeah or i mean yeah me yeah i felt that way until i started using found you can even set aside money for different business goals and control spending with different virtual cards now in that part yes and now but you shouldn't say me too to that what do you mean that well i'm like in my head i was like shouldn't he save me too to that also but like that's not you like you should i shouldn't say hey i've got virtual like i shouldn't tell them anything about virtual cards that i don't think so i don't think i'm going to do anything

with virtual cards today i've saved so much money because found helps me identify tax write off and i've saved so much time that i can now devote to chasing new opportunities and doing the work i enjoy found money found money but that was a good place to to say, me too. I do that too. And I do it as well. Oh, and by the way, other small businesses are loving Found too. Yeah, and so am I. This Found user said, Found is going to save me so much headache. It makes everything so much easier. Expenses, income, profits, taxes, invoices, even. It saves money, too. It doesn't just save headache. And Found has 30,000 five-star reviews just like this. We use it to manage our finances for our job.

and you should too. Yeah. Open a found account for free at F-O-U-N-D.com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by lead bank. Member FDIC. Don't put this one off, join thousands of small business owners who have streamlined their finances will found.

And I have two. Hollywood Handbook. So, of course, we had reached out to you about... When I put my hand out here? Yeah. Touch my hand. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

They really like when we do this. we had reached out to you we had been planning a tour for several months and we chose our dates and we reached out to you because you had been you've been guests hit live

shows of ours in the past couple times beloved you know show some of people's favorite shows yeah no I've done because I've done the show this is my third time doing the show i think right yeah i and honestly i'm not a big numbers guy but it feels right to me and so you you've been a guest in the past and we said to you hey tom you know basically here are the cities here are the venues here are the days because you had said for so long let's get the band back

together let's do it guys when oasis got that you i was talking about all the oasis videos that you said that you would be who i sent sean so many oasis videos yeah and it was just the song uh cigarettes and alcohol yeah different videos of that yeah is it my imagination and uh and who are the brothers i'm not sure okay okay i'm more into bonehead and that's kind of what i was there for to see bonehead playing rhythm guitar back in the fold. He's not even walking into my traps anymore.

Bonesy. Giggsie was not there. So cleverly of scared and. I don't know if the same front was divided and Kevin somehow tipped him off to what we'd be asking because all these questions are so evasive. I'm sorry, all these

answers are so evasive. Kevin did clue me into a few things. Well, basically we were very excited about our tour. We were on the verge of announcing. it and when we asked you to be a guest you asked for a list of options of shows that you know uh you could possibly join us at and the next thing we knew um our tour was stolen out from under us every single every single day we had planned every single venue yeah every

detail the same and up to you and including calling it i believe you're calling yours tourgasm, yes? Yeah, well, I mean, I do have Robert Kelly on board. Well, this is what I want to ask. Like, who exactly you booked for your shows and how you got it in there? Because when I spoke to the venues,

they seemed to think that someone named Benson Boom is going to be playing there. Benson Boom. Benson Backflip Boom, yeah. And when it, when they show me the application.

that the online form that was filled out. Yeah, as one does before they play a show. It seems... It seems like you were trying to impersonate the artist Benson Boone, but you... Boone or Boom? Well, you said boom on the form. So here's...

So what I saw was some sort of... Porn parody? It was Benson Boom, but the... That's your area. Okay, look, that's where I've been for the last three years, guys. the boom was spelled with two zeros instead of o's so that led me to believe that that's what you thought that's what the loophole was supposed to be yeah and it was in disguise and that just he just thought the n instead of the end was did not realize that that was a mistake sure

the zeros instead of o's were supposed to be the camouflage you're supposed to have bad eyes like your glass is not allowed when I write something it's supposed to be kind of is Benson boom BB8 wow wow because he did I mean the guy is an eight didn't it at minimum

solid eight yeah that makes sense he clears yeah he did a and so what like what what is this going to be tom like what is the show okay we understand you have robert kelly bobby kelly's on board gowman is not available okay is it going to be all stand up it's really going to be a little bit of uh i guess what i'm doing now it's it's kind of like a showcase for stand up a showcase for like new

stand-ups okay oh wow we i mean showcase basically people show up if they want to be in the show they show up backstage they're at their name on a piece of paper oh this is so much like the candy factory idea what's that this that everyone is allowed to come everyone's allowed but not everybody gets up on the thing because we do like what we call a bucket pole oh wow and then it's like if your name is pulled you get to come up and do a minute that's the show people come they put their name in a bucket and you pull their names out and they get to do one minute one minute to stand up and then and then me and my panel kind of humiliate them beyond belief until they are destroyed in every possible way uh-huh and we monetize it and they leave with nothing they leave with less

than they came in with they came in with nothing they leave with even less. They leave with even less. And just to, like, maybe just to dangle the possibility of success, you have, like, one or two people who, uh, you, like, kind of bring on as, like, part of your crew. We got a couple. Their reputations in the tank. Also destroyed, becomes unclear, like, whether success or failure is, is preferable. Yeah. I mean, success and failure. What's that mean when you think about it, right?

Well, I thought I knew before this show began, and now it's become much murkier. Yeah, it's like the kink said, success goes hand in hand with failure when you're walking down Hollywood Boulevard. I see, this is a music guy. Yeah, but yeah, he doesn't know who the brothers are, he says. He doesn't know who brothers are, but he knows what the kink said. Because Kevin told him that he says the name funny. Well, no, see, I go deep. And by the way, you know what Tom's kink said.

Yeah. Benson, boom. yeah when he said porno for no before that's what he's been doing and then he said the kinks the kinks and his kinks and what it said benson boom he's typing it in the search bar

I gave you all the clues Mr. police okay so the show and everyone pays to go to this everyone pays I pay to get you pay I pay to get in actually

yeah if a show sold out and I didn't buy a ticket then I guess we're all in trouble or unless they don't like me then it's probably the best show you could go to no pun intended best show oh man so he's even plugging that here

so he stole the tour he's doing something that sounds to me a little negative as a I mean his podcast on my show unreal and denying everything denying all those

all those cigarettes and alcohol that you said this could be us and we'd be playing I was just like here they are in Brazil here's another here's another one film from the back of the football

stadium in brazil that was really moving here's one it's always them just like talking about very normal stuff like when they're like how they make coffee and things like that these videos i see everywhere and everyone's like this is me it's like yeah it sounds like it sounds like everyone it's me too yeah Tom yeah what look you came in here

shot out of a cannon today I'm just rolling hard and we didn't and we actually have some stuff we want to get to okay all right when we pull it together then back to business come on we put my

we punch in that you didn't even tell us that like Because if we knew what the format was, that we could put our names in. Oh, this is what I'll do for both of you. You get two pieces of paper in the bucket. Freeze the paper. You get, well, just like the 85 draft. Oh, okay.

When the Nick stole Patrick Ewing from, put the paper in a freezer. Yeah. Who is he stolen from? From all the other teams. All the other teams. They were supposed to go to one of these other teams. Supposed to go to all the other ones. He reached in and felt the cold envelope.

And you can even see when you watch the 85 drives, you see David Stern reach in, he goes, ooh, he shivers a little bit. He's like, no, no, no, uh, Patrick, you hear jingle bells. Yeah. You see him, yeah, you see him then just quietly turn and open one of those little hot pocket things that skiers have inside there. Yeah, a little, warm, just like, oh, I'm going to need this. Yeah, he was like, it's like, David.

he's reaching a little obvious during the draft this is this is being filmed it's stuck to his tongue and he's saying the san diego clippers get the not that one okay this one so it's the player's name on the thing that he's pulling out so he's saying san diego clippers get the this guy and then it's it's every basketball player in the world he literally yeah he they pretty Refigured who's going where. Wow. Because that's how the draft worked back then. Yeah.

The players, I don't know why we dropped that system. I don't know. I liked it when they just pulled the thing out and it would just be like, oh, Michael Jordan is going to the Chicago Bulls. That was really lucky that the people talk about how he went third. Yeah. And like that was so late for Michael Jordan.

But like, it could have been so much later than that. It could have been every basketball player. It's just all the names of the player. because that year was Akeem Yeah Then This is like the Noel thing

Darko It's actually Akeem And then Jordan They picked Darko Instead of Jordan Wow They could have kept winning

Mm-hmm Yeah So you're gonna You're gonna A double name in the bucket Double name And they're frozen Okay

And then So I would get up So just then Let's play this out because I guess this could be a good advertisement for the tour, which I don't know why I'm plugging it. It really had a negative impact on us. Yeah. But so what would it look like?

So then I get a minute to just do anything. And is there a topic given to me or it's just like I just walk up. Is there a theme to the night of the show? This is not improv where we need a suggestion or whatever. This is your time. You do just. I just come up and I do a prepared. A prepared every minute.

So I need to have one. minute of material. You need one minute of material. Yeah. Okay. And it's and it's can it can be song lyric stand up right? It could. Do you have anyone doing that like in doing it actually well? Doing it well no. Okay. Hmm. Hmm. But that could be a that could be an option for you. And then what's like like and then you charter the bus to the next show. Yeah. And Everyone gets on and goes together and you make, you're like renting the bus. I rent the seats on the bus. You rent the seats on the bus.

Yes. You can get on the bus for free, but you have to go on the rack up above. And those racks suck on a bus. It's not even good racks to lie on. They suck. No, on the buses, they suck. Yeah. So I guess, like, they're trying to like upcharge you, I think,

with how shitty the racks have gotten. Yeah. You know, we do things to the racks between bus strips to make them just less appealing. Yeah, the racks get replaced with worse racks. Yeah. Which feels like so much more worth. I know.

It's expensive to do it where it's like just the what they're already bad. Why are we so desperate to make them even worse? yeah weird all yankovic okay and so then you drive yeah he's even worse right see i'm not that much into a weird i remember michael jackson had bad than a weird al's album but see the things weird owl i don't even pay attention to him when i say i pay attention to like jonathan bermuda schwartz in his band like that's who i'm there to see right you're there for bonehead you're there for Jonathan Bermuda-Jor. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. But did he play on even worse? The guys. Did Jonathan Bermuda-Shorty played out of course? He did. So then when I say even worse, you know what I'm talking about.

Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. You're speaking of the same language. Yeah. That's interesting if you did song lyrics stand up with a weird house. Yeah. It's, uh-huh. Is anyone ever actually sat down and listened to the words of this thing? Mm-hmm.

It's too much food. You don't want to eat that much? Tom? Yeah. I zoned out for a second. There was looking all the cables on the floor. Hollywood Hamburg. Mr. Monopoly here.

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to do this whole tour? I mean, should we split it maybe? It's all that time on the road. Yeah. Because he's got this, like, like you're sleep Tom you're making your sleep schedule yeah and the TV show talk about the TV show well Natasha lion roar yeah that's am I wrong oh kind of okay yeah no I'm

working on a TV show now bang bang the damn dude killing him Mike drop here let me unscrew this. Click, click, boom. It'll drop on its own. I don't give a fuck. Okay. No, my fucking shit, dude. Oh, no.

Not my headgum, Mike. People won't be able to hear you. Don't give a fuck. I worry, Tom, that you're going to come back from this. Just so depleted. How are you won't. Just going to need some best case scenario, you come back. and in time that you should be taking to recover you're going to be jumping right into the next thing

giving even more of yourself Tom you can't keep this pace up I mean you're already in tour mode I'm already in tour mode I can't I'm canceling no way by the time you finish those shows then you got to go make this show this other show that goes on TV it's too much and I also I just want to warn you yeah I'm warning you that who is that who is that who is that who was that mo howard moe howard okay no book do you have those sound effects set up i don't think he does it with like a with a closed fist like that does he why they don't want to hit your mic boonk break the mic just rip it off yeah remember when he would go be able to do it do it i don't think he doesn't

Like that, but he would do on somebody's waddle, he'd be... Oh, yeah. Oh, so disturbing. It was three defective guys in a tool shed and just let him go. Yeah, just get them in there. There are no rules. Any tool can be used on any other person's head and face. And that was, at the time, it was, like, relatable comedy.

This is me and my buddy. It wasn't, like, heightened at all. No. It was, like, those were guys you knew from out in the world. No, that was just, I mean. Everyone was a layer. Comedy doesn't work unless people see themselves reflected in it. And so, yeah, it was just you and your, you and your homies would just get in the tool shed.

Just the fuck out. That was, like, the equivalent of, like, the Duplas brothers. It really, they were the Duplas brothers of their. yeah and the one thing you learn not to say is uh hey you can't do that to him no you find out real fast yeah well then i'll do it to you instead yeah well then i'll do it to you instead yeah this was really the response and by the way they didn't say it because that would be a warning what they would do is start doing it yeah and if it was something that you didn't want to be done to him you certainly didn't want it done to you no and it would be getting

poked, tweaked, bonged, right? Yep. All the above. Can you just heed my warning, please? The warning I was trying to issue leading into this. Okay. I don't know if you saw that Adam Conover was on Des Moines

as a one billion out of ten kisser. Yes. I wish I hadn't. So he was on there. He's coming off tour. Tom, I just want to let you know like the harvest has been completed. The fields have

been fatually plowed. You are traveling in the wake of a one billion out of 10 kisser if your little pea brain can even try to encapsulate what that would mean. And so then

I know you're thinking you're going to go out there and really impress people with some kisses in these different cities. This is what L.A. sharpling kiss yeah feels like so the lawn's been mowed my friend okay they're gonna be limping into the bell house so am i shooting for two billion out of 10 is that the goal now yeah you're yeah you're again so to have that as a goal yeah yeah you're right that's what it's like when out and connor was like actually tom what you're gonna go out you're gonna

Kiss everybody. You're going to do all five dates of this tour. No help. Just you up there with Bobby? Just me and Bobby, Kelly. Gary Goldman is not available. Mowing everyone down on stage then after the show, mowing everyone out offstage.

Yeah, well, we'll do things. We're going to play football and kind of... You're going to play football? Go carts. You're kidding. All sorts of activities. Just for the tour doc, for the black and white tour documentary?

One thing I'm looking forward to is if Bobby is on the bus, and I see he's doing, like he's doing his taxes, I'm going to take those freaking taxes, pour a milkshake all of him and go, this is tourgasm, not tax chasm. Boom, don't do your taxes on the tour bus. Yeah. Rule number one, brocode. flavorless milkshake unsweetened because you're not using it to like drink you're not going to waste money on like a flavor

then you wipe your butt just for bobby Kelly wipe your butt with the papers wipe your butt with the papers wipe your butt in the paper but it's got milk shake out and you go ooh that's cold oh that's cold on the inside

of my butt I see now and now David Stern felt with the frozen envelope the frozen envelope that said Patrick Ewing inside of it on his butt unbelievable and they going back for the dock but and then going back in like telling natasha that you actually have something left in the tank mm-hmm yeah i'm gonna give a hundred percent

i'm gonna bring my all to this thing and she's gonna sniff you right out mrs lion oh yeah this poker face we're talking about you'll be in the fucking lion's den brother she's gonna be you hear him are you listening to him not really she's gonna be roaring at you oh no Oh, I'm listening to you now. I don't like it. Shopping on you, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

She picked up nothing about how to, like. Apex Predator. About how to read tells. Yeah. She didn't pick up a single thing. She has zero experience. No, no, no. It's just like talking to anyone else.

Just spending years of your life being poker face has no impact on the way that you interpret other people's body language. Yeah, that's true. Vocal tells, you know. I, I, I just don't want you to. walk into the lion's den like that i have a pitch for the name of your show yeah what's that the show you're working out with natasha yes tosh point oh i like it actually should be taught should be something higher mm-hmm mm-hmm tosh point point oh one yeah at least even better

at least mm-hmm maybe eventually can even go higher than that and i think that's even better which is the opposite of even worse could be confusing when you when you're talking about the when you're posting about the show I know you like to reference the episodes by saying

like S-O-1 E-O-4 I love and I say Goldenrod Second Salmon which is the code for like what draft of script it is or whatever wouldn't seem to apply to a to an aired show well i'd like to let people see behind the curtain a little bit that you know hey you know we write these scripts and uh we

use different colored paper to say where in the where in the process we are and will you be borrowing any room techniques you acquired uh on the staff of crepopolis for the new venture that we're going into. Yes, I'm planning on utilizing all the tools I learned on Crabopolis. We do collect these little tricks. We bring them with us, don't we? You always

add an arrow to the river everywhere you go. Yeah, one of the tricks I plan on utilizing is being on Zoom for a full year and watching the first round of the NBA playoffs on a TV that was 90 degrees off to the side.

just having the changing light dancing off the side of your head lightning outside I'm like one one eye has naturally migrated to face the other way there's like a lawn sprinkler I'm like hmm okay

Jason Tatham's hopped tonight that gets into the show Yeah, don't see. That pitch? Yeah. Hey, what if, uh, hey, I got a, what if, uh, here's a pitch for the thing. What if one of the characters on our thing. You don't know any of them.

You don't know that. It's like, it's like, a single. Single reference point. Like, like, you're, you're, you're, you're gambling. You're gambling that it even has characters. I'm like, what if one of, one of our beloved characters is, is, is, just has the hot hand. It's just,

just can't miss. It just cannot miss. But then they're doing the, they're doing like a heat check. Yeah, one too many. Yeah. Right.

I love the back iron. All right. We found our limit. Two shows at the bell house. The bell house, yeah. You're doing those. Ring and ding ding,

you can do those. You're going to be there for both. Both. Okay. we've got that's the 11th and 12th yes it is October 11th October 12th that will be at the bell house fun surprises galore folks hey okay so all right so I guess I'll say the one after that would we be yeah would we be eligible to be a fun surprise yeah i have my tickets already for one of them so in in the process of complaining about getting booked out of here i ended up accidentally buying it seemed like the only way i was going on the website seeing like how this could have happened

to me and somehow i accidentally added tickets to the cart well bought a few of them it's something we kind of set up on our end it's kind of like persuasive technology So maybe this, maybe people buy tickets to the lodge room show. Yeah. Maybe we can get our own little show going in the back. You know what I mean? Any of the cool kids can have their own show in the back of the room. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. While the dorks are on the main stage. Oh, yeah, up there. Yeah. Teacher. Exactly. I'm at school. And then there's one in Philadelphia.

In Philadelphia in between? We'll be doing one in Philadelphia, yes. We're doing to Bell House, and then we go right to Philadelphia for the 13th of October. A union transfer. Union transfer. Then we fly back and do a show in the 15th in the lodge room in Los Angeles. The way you're putting the bus on a plane seems so much less. You rented the seats on the bus, but like.

No, it's like the movie Swordfish. It is like. yeah yeah you said that actually mm-hmm you said that before and you said actually which is a reference to smoocher that's good no it's not the show's called the wGA smoochers the show is called fact right strike smoocher you don't say on his sign now right what imagine the jokes he's going to write on his sign oh my god he's holding a sign we're on strike and this and the billion out of ten kisser has the sign up but you know know it'll be some sort of like no smooches until we get what we want.

Uh-huh, no more kisses, yeah. Sorry, David Zazlov. You're going to be the one doing the billion out of ten kissing on my ass. Bye. Bye. Mm-hmm. Hollywood Hamburg. That was a hit gum podcast.