Hollywood Handbook - Tom Scharpling, Our Vulture Fest Friend

Episode Date: May 22, 2017

The boys welcome back TOM SCHARPLING to help them with their podcast panel. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/first) and Harry's (www.harrys.com/HOLLYWOODHANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Small, small, small Here comes Hazen and Sean Just to finish the story. Damn. So then it's me. It's Miss Sloan. Miss Sloan. Yeah.

Yeah, Madeline Elizabeth Sloan, but only her mom ever called her Madeline. We all just call her Liz. Yeah. Or Miss Sloan. We've just call her Liz. Yeah. Or Miss Sloan. We've all seen the movie. Yeah. We all know what you're talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just telling a story about my friend Miss Sloan. And so, you know, that nefarious Senator Sperling. The Senator. Who's just a total weasel and is completely for sale.

Is sort of, you know, willing to vote for the bill with one hand and choke it with the other by bringing this fraud case against Ms. Sloan and I. Yeah, but here comes Ms. Sloan. Yeah. And Ms. Sloan has this kind of philosophy about what a lobbyist does. has this kind of philosophy about what a lobbyist does and how the secret really is that you play your trump card right after the other guys played his. Oh, well, I'm just going to put my mic down because I got to know what happens.

Well... Well... We're face-to- face with Sperling. And I'm feeling like we're in real trouble. Because she's made this filing error with this Thailand palm oil bill. That essentially amounts to bribery. I'm just picking my mic up to say, keep going. I'm not going to stop. Don't worry about me stopping you because I got to know what Miss Flo's going to do.

Yeah. And of course, the in-house counsel for this little boutique lobbying firm that we work for, not like those guys over at Waterman and Kurtz, you know, our old firm, where the main guy is Sam Waterston, and then the main name of the partner is Waterman, but his name in the movie is neither. So anyway, you know, we're at...

Sorry, his name in the movie is not Sam Waterston or Waterman. No. Okay. And I'm not sure what it was. It's not even his agenda. It's Sanford. You know, he's the guy who's the head of the gun lobby. So, ultimately, what I realize is she's intentionally misfiled these papers.

I knew she did it on purpose. And I go, oh, wow, she even kept me in the dark. Me? One of her closest friends. Yeah. And one of the, the one main girl who had sort of gone to the other side. Yes, Miss Sloan's former friend. Yes.

Is still her friend. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and a setter's guide to kicking butt and dropping names. And the red carpet linebacker colleagues of this industry we call Showbiz. What up, what up? We're doing Vulture Fest again. We're back. We're back. We couldn't stay away.

These chairs. That's what it is. For me, he said, do you want to get on a six-hour flight to do an hour-long show yeah and i said will they have those chairs for me for me with the chairs they're a little high my feet will slowly descend over the course of the show just kind of like drip my legs will sort of drip down to the floor. What I need maybe is a trade with someone in the audience. So you want someone in the audience's chair and you want them to sit on a big tall chair?

Wouldn't that be a thrill for someone in the audience? Maybe somebody in the front row. Yes. Then has a big tall chair. Yes. Can someone bring me a big tall, like, no, I'm sorry, a little short chair and you can have my big tall chair and the table.

That's my trade. All right. All right. And then do you want to stay with the big chair or do you want a little small chair? Well, then I'm going to want a smaller chair than yours. Okay. So let's do that. Okay. So let's do that. Who wants a big tall chair? Okay. Come here. Who wants a big tall chair?

I got you right here. Okay, come here. Okay, so you can sit right in the aisle. So, you know, there are no... Nobody tell the fire marshal, okay? Yes. Remember fire marshal Bill? And I'll take the little small chair. And we can just be right under here.

Doing the show like this. It's really cozy. Okay. That's really cozy. Okay. That's great. You guys look really good in your chair. That's really good. And this feels good. You were right. I was right, wasn't I? Yeah. And now my feet are nice on the floor. And let me change the

story I told before. They said, do you want to fly for six hours to do a one hour show? And I said, are they going to have those chairs? And you said, yes. And I said, said well we'll switch them out and now I remember how it happened we love doing Vulture Fest we did sell out the show

yeah no no no no no no no no no disrespectful it's disrespectful to all the shows in this space that didn't sell out. Some people might think, based on stuff that we have done in the past, that we would tell other shows. We've told shows when we had a particularly rich guest or a particularly cool thing happen

for the show, We have told other shows that they have to... We are not doing that! We're not doing it this year. We are not telling those shows... Think about the indignity. You've got a show at Vulture Fest. I won't think about it.

You have to. The audience has to at least. You can tune this out. I won't. You've got to show up at Vulture Fest. It doesn't sell out. And then these two guys. Just normal guys.

Who are not even trying to really do anything in the industry. Yes, are just being themselves. They're normal guys. We're just having conversations with our friends and people are like, I want this, and we didn't even expect that. And then we sell out. And then now, you know, you basically have to pack it up and leave the industry. And on the way out the door, you're supposed to suck on these?

No, no, no, no. Nobody has to do anything. Senator Al Franken. You don't have to do it. Do nothing. Just keep. Frankly, do it. Do nothing. Just keep... Frankly, do... Yes.

Right? Just keep making us laugh, making us think, and upholding the Constitution, right? Yes. And try not to be like Senator Sperling. Aziz Ansari. Please don't. Aziz guys do not want you to do anything. Robert Smigel.

Here's something to smigel about. You don't got to suck on these. No, don't. So put a big old smigel on your face. Don't do anything. Just because you didn't sell out. Big deal. If somebody remembers last year there was this list.

He's taking the big chairs away. Someone's taking the big chairs away. Someone's taking the big chairs for himself. Oh, wow. And that guy's addicted to big chairs. And it's a sad story in this country. Someone's stealing our game used chairs. And they're going to make a mint off those.

Somebody might remember last year there was this list of the 10 best podcasts. I think it was on vulture or something like that yeah and we were number two and there was another show that was number one and that show had a show in this space and it didn't sell out and you would think oh they must be so excited to make them suck on these no i don't even we're very excited not to do that i don't even remember that list i don't remember who was number one and who was number two. They don't have to do anything except just keep being themselves.

And for anyone who thinks, well, maybe they didn't sell out because they do a show in New York every week and it's not outrageously priced. I have a note about that as well. I have a note about that as well. On the selling out note, you didn't charge enough money for this show, Vulture

Fest. Think about it, Vulture. If it sold out, then the tickets could have cost more money. Yeah. If it sold out, you didn't do your job because I would say it's only 30-something dollars for an hour

long show that's going to be free in two days. I was like, I mean, I had to get a new prescription. I was like, am I reading this right? Seeing how much that guy wanted those big chairs, now I want the big chairs back. Yeah, I know. I know. It feels so weird to be too low.

I feel like, did I trick myself? Yeah. Because he seemed to think that was a really good opportunity to go get those chairs. Yeah, seeing the big smigle on his face when he took those chairs. Yes. Is the big chair boy still here? Did he abscond with the big chairs? Yeah.

He's gone. And he's out. And he's on a yacht somewhere that he paid for with his big chair money. I'm almost done talking about all this stuff and ready to move on to something else. You are? Yeah, I'm getting near it. Okay.

Did you have any questions for me about it? No, we can... I'll think of some. Okay. We can do those later. Alright. We wanted, since we're doing the show, we're doing Vulture Fest and we're in New York, which we're obsessed with. The pizza.

Yes. The water's different? I'm obsessed with just being around New York. The energy of the buildings. Buildings, yes. buildings. Of buildings. Yes. Yeah. Are central. Bricks. We wanted to do a podcasting

panel since people did come here to CSN. We do a podcast. Yep. We wanted to do sort of the ultimate podcasting panel. Mm-hmm. What's our panel called? The Business of Podcasting.

Yeah. Do you start again? The Business of Podcasting. For the colon. Doing the show. Doing the show when the podcast is a business. Yes. And it's

really a peek behind the curtain. and we did invite a few people to do the panel and we got a really good one but i do want to mention that we did invite mike mitchell yes he of course he's one of the dough boys he was here yesterday doing a love panel in this same space. And you've got to imagine his experience. He's doing this cool show. He thinks he's got this really cool Netflix gig. And people

are going to want to come see him. And that show did not sell out. Yes. And to that I say nothing at all. Mike, get on a plane. Don't suck on these. Go home. Regroup and try again next year. And it's a big venue probably.

It's huge and it's just like, it's not easy to do. So what we did get was an even better guest, I think, who is just so great and so cool and so funny and nice and so sweet and so smart and kind and so charismatic and so intelligent and so real and sensitive but tough

and brave but vulnerable. Yeah. He can be serious. He can be serious. He can be sweet. Oh, yeah. He'll tell you a joke, but he'll also give you a back rub.

But enough about him. Let's get him out here. Tom Sharpling is our guest. Hi, Tom. Hey, Tom. I need to get a chair. What size chair do you want? Did someone steal your big chair, too? I guess I'd like a small, if I could. You want a small?

I'll get it. Do you want to get it? I'll figure out the chair situation. He's like, I'll get it. Like, I'm supposed to get it? Okay. Of course you'll get it. What was the other option?

Oh, here he is. And he's going to have two chairs. The guy that stole the big chairs Is he your friend? Okay Oh okay and we're not allowed to have the water Where do you want me? And he's mad at the clock

Yeah And he kicked the clock For anyone who's just listening This guy kicked the clock And now he's trying to be friends with it again Yeah kicked the clock. For anyone who's just listening, this guy kicked the clock. And now he's trying to be friends with it again. Yeah. Too late. That's abuse.

Um, Tom, hi. Hi. Why are you sitting all the way back there? Because there's no space for me to go. Come in, Tom. Squeeze in. This is Come here and squeeze in.

Yes. Oh. This is nice. This is cozy. Now, Tom, let me explain who you are. You did the show. You've served on the show in a few capacities. Yeah.

We've tried to help you many capacities. Yeah. We tried to, we've tried to help you many times. We are rooting for you, Tom. Yes. And we think one of these days you're going to really break through. And you consulted on our big Christmas episode. I pitched jokes for it.

I did not get anything in. No, but just, just the exercise, the practice. No, that's what I really felt like I took away. Just like what it's like to just keep trying to get exposure and get the opportunity for exposure. Something to remember. Life is 100% of the shots you don't take. And recently you were doing...

You know what I mean? No, go ahead. No, I'm just saying. Wayne Grebski was a great man and a great quote artist. And he said something that I think Tom would be wise to keep in mind. Can you give it to me again so I can get it down?

Yeah, life is 100% of the shots you don't take. Life is one... Okay, now I got it that makes a lot of sense and you were doing a sully duck tour last time we yes we're showing the academy award-winning movie that um just lit up america new york story became America's story when that movie kind of popped. It was more like a local story, kind of the way people know, like, this is where you go to get the good bagels, this is where you go to get the pizza.

A plane landed in that river over there, and everyone lived. It was the kind of thing that just didn't play outside of that neighborhood in New York. Yeah, will you do the famous line? that just didn't play outside of that neighborhood in New York. Will you do the famous line? Was it birds? Birds.

Birds. That movie was 80 minutes long. I wish it came out in July. I'm so happy to report the news that you are now financially independent. Yeah. I. You are self-feeding.

At least right now. Yeah. Self-feeding. Roof over the head. Yes. Car. Self-feeding. Roof over the head. Yes. Car. And let's not blow by it. Shirt and pants.

Shirt and pants. Yes. I could tell he was waiting for someone to be like No longer has to choose. Yes. And from what I hear, they're going to drum up another gift bag for me. Okay.

I noticed you talking to someone in the back saying like, hang on a second, I need to take care of something. I saw you had someone cornered pretty aggressively. Yes. And you were a lot of big arm motions and a lot of sort of mad things. And you were a lot of big arm motions and a lot of sort of mad things. And you were saying you weren't crying a lot. I couldn't see your face.

But you were definitely talking about how you were not crying. I was just saying, it's like, look, I mean, I'm out there for all but eight minutes of the show. Yeah, but what in eight minutes, huh? Look, it was an amazing eight minutes. But I was just like, you can't tell me I can in eight minutes, huh? Look, it was an amazing eight minutes. But it's just like,

you can't tell me I can't get a gift bag? I saw what was in that thing. Oh, yeah. There's a Trevor Noah book in that thing. You're not messing around, man. No. Born a crime. I'll tell you what. There's the same Chemex that was in the bag last year in that

thing. Yeah. That's good because mine is worn out. I smashed mine. So you're doing so good. Talk about some of the things you have going on. Oh, please, yes. I love hearing about this. I'm noticing, by the way,

that the people in the back cannot see us anymore. I don't understand why people didn't give them big chairs. And I worry that the big chairs dealer has infected the whole back row. It should have been everyone in the back's got big chairs. We

are maybe sunken down. Yes. And there's maybe sort of a sub-basement or like a false bottom to the stage that we're in and people are peeking in. Or peering down into the show. It's a glass bottom boat. Yes.

We are underwater and Tom, did you want to talk about what you're doing? No, no, I want to hear more about this. Okay. We are underwater and we've got like scuba gear on. Yes. And we do the whole show in sign language. Is that progressive? It's a very,

I've got to say, it's a very New York idea. A little too hip for the room. Can we finish your story, please? Sure. I was ready to start it. We're waiting. So,

in the past... This is the punchline? No. In the past, I've had some ups and I've had some downs and you guys have kind of charted the... more of the downs than the ups, I would say. But since the last time I've been on the show,

which was about six months ago, it's been nothing but up for me. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Is that it? Well, I no longer need to beg.

Um, well, I no longer need to beg. I'm no longer kind of trying to play the game the way other people play it. Yeah. I am a bit of a game changer now. Like a disruptor, I guess is what you'd call it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're very disruptive in this space. I used to do on my show, The Best Show. Thank you.

Thank you. Funny. It's a funny show. Do you think it's more fun than funny? It's a fun show. I just want it to be fun. I'm having fun, but am I having fun because I'm laughing because it's funny? It's a fun show. I just want it to be fun. I'm having fun, but am I having fun because I'm laughing because it's funny?

And I have to pick one? Well, ideally I'd major in one and minor in the other. Oh, interesting. So your show is a college. Yeah, your show is a bit of a college. Podcasting business, the business of podcasting,

how to do the show when it's a business. Pick your major. Pick your major, that's step one. And I would say... He's writing it down. He's taking a picture of the brochure that has pictures on it. So...

Look, he paid $88 to be here He can do what he wants for the 50 minutes That he gets access to this room I wasn't criticizing anyone I was letting people know Some people have to just listen to this Not everybody else can get in to the friggin show Get a free bag

They get brownie bites or whatever So Is that the story? No. This is the punchline though? Ideally I'd tell the story. I'm just asking. That would be ideal for me

as well. I used to Thanks. I used to do ads on the show. And it would be just like ads were just like, Hey, what do you think the over-under on the Steelers Ravens is this weekend? Like you want to get rich?

Yeah. Like ones like that. You know what I mean? Or just like. It's an ad for money basically. Basically. It's like an ad. It's like.

Company's giving away money Yeah I guess the over under The fastest way to money But that's yesterday's news As I said I'm a disruptor I've taken it now to the people And I set up A way my show is

Listeners contribute Basically I set up a Go fund me But the first thing you said Was I don't have to beg anymore listeners contribute. Basically, I set up a GoFundMe. The first thing you said was I don't have to beg anymore. Because you begged so effectively. Can I finish the story? Can I finish the story?

Please. Now the website is doing the begging. There's no begging now. It's a GoFundMe. And people, you can look it up now. It's search. I will be dead by Halloween. Admittedly, I've

heightened a few of my life situations maybe I've conflated a few things and played down a couple other things like that the money for this goes to a podcast and I've kind of created some health issues that

are non-existent so look up health and the picture is not you it's not me created some health issues that are non-existent. Yeah. So look up health. And the picture is not you. It's not me. No, but it bears a passing resemblance. It's weird that it was a Getty image also. It's watermarked.

Yes, it's watermarked. So if anybody, you can do it here. And you can see, it's a screenshot of your phone. Yeah, go donate to that celebrity baby. Yeah, it's a screenshot of your phone. to that celebrity baby. Yeah, it's a screenshot of your phone and you can see the search term sick baby.

It says. Yeah, but yeah, you screen capped it. I got a question. It's a GoFundMe, but it's like, aren't I just staying here? Well, Tom,

you know what I say to that? A little slow to answer the question. Quit dodging the question, Tom. You know what I say to that? What? Go fund me. Or go fund yourself. Or go fund yourself.

But I say, or go fund me. I don't care. I'm not funding myself. I'm talking to you, though. I have nothing. I'm saying to you, you know. Argo fund yourself. You say Argo fund me.

And then you say Argo fund me. Yes. Do you want to try it again? Can I say something, Tom, that's like really not so much a question and more of just a wake-up call for you? Sure. About not doing ads. You're not doing of just a wake-up call for you sure about not doing ads you're not doing ads anymore uh-huh can you take a look at me for a second sure jacket by five four clothing wait now is that jacket watch by movement watches the company that does audio ads but the name does not sound like it looks. Belly full of blue apron.

Blue apron for breakfast this morning. Warmed up in the sink at my hotel. Small business seats postage done by stamps.com. Please don't focus on the individual using a stamp.

Yes. Website by Squarespace. Not an advertiser of ours, but someday. They must still need to reach people through podcast advertising. And I'll tell you another thing, too.

Into it is the best way to do your taxes. And don't associate them with anything they don't want to be associated with. Hollywood Handbook. Now, I think it's very fun to talk about podcasts and have these big experts here. I think we have something like 23 years of podcasting experience on this stage.

23 years of podcasting experience on stage. And let's not measure who has how much. Let's look at the total and just say that there's plenty. And won't it be fun to sort of do a panel

where we ask each other the questions we've been dying to ask. And we're, of course, going to have some organization. Let's establish Robert Wool's of Order. Robert Wool's of Order. Mm-hmm. If you remember on the set of our list, Robert Wool had to create some sort of packing order

so that it wasn't just constant. Because they did a lot of riffing on that show. Yeah. You think Michael Boatman's sticking to the script, you got some sour news coming, pal. Yeah. You know what my favorite scene on Arliss was? No, but please tell me.

I don't know. How would I know that? Oh, you know what I'm realizing? I think I do know. I think you do know, yeah. Why don't know. How would I know that? Oh, you know what I'm realizing? I think I do know. I think you do know, yeah. Why don't you tell everybody? Oh. No!

It's the scene when he goes, Hey, Randy Moss! Oh, yes. I like it because it's a show for sports fans that doesn't presume I myself am a sports fan. Yes. And I like that it's still on. So,

we have to figure out some way to sort of do this in an organized manner. Let's just nominate a moderator. I'm going to nominate Hayes. Okay, and I'll second the nomination of Hayes. Okay, and I'll confirm the nomination of Hayes. Okay. So now Hayes is the moderator, and then we'll switch.

I'll be initial moderator, yes. Okay, so you're moderator one. And I'll start the first question as moderator. First official panel question. Okay, first panel question, go ahead and ask. This question is for Sean. Oh, thank you. I didn't think, oh. Go ahead and ask. This question is for Sean. Oh, thank you. I didn't think...

Oh, that's so nice. Podcasting can be sort of rough on your body if you let things slip. Things can get a little out of control physically. You obviously have not done that. You're keeping things Very together Basically you look

Just you know how you look How do you Do that what is your Like regimen how do you Look so nice Oh wow Well I'm always clenching Everything

Yeah Never for a second do I release Yeah Well, I'm always clenching everything. Never for a second do I release anything. Your nostrils are closed. People don't see that you can close them up. Oh, yeah. No, they're completely shut. My throat is tight.

A lot of people don't realize oxygen's loaded with just all kinds of fat. So I really limit my intake of that and everything else. I, of course, only drink core water. You can see that. It's got to be core, and it's got to be room temp. So I really, uh, I, I treat myself in that way. Um, but I just think that's so flattering that someone like you would ask me about my body regimen when it's like, um, hello, have you seen yourself? Uh, just not the moderator. I'm just a moderator. No, but honestly, let's go through the process and select a new moderator.

Well, Tom gets one follow-up question on that question. Oh, okay, so follow-up. Is there anything else you want to know about that question? Am I asking a question about the question? You're going to want to turn it to me as the moderator. I was the one who asked the question. Okay. Don't talk to me.

It just happened. I'm not a moderator. I mean, hopefully I will be, fingers crossed. Sure. I don't know. I guess the only thing I would say is I... Where do I get my ideas? Oh, wow.

Oh, gosh. Yeah, I really wanted to know. I honestly have no idea. I don't know. That's I really wanted to know. I honestly have no idea. I don't know. That's so interesting, you know, because a lot of people think it's something you can teach, getting ideas. Yes.

I question ideas, yeah. Do you ever find that when you're like... You just asked your question. Yeah. You're done, Tom, so... Okay, that's fair. So now we go through the process of, as moderator, You just asked your question. Yeah. You're done, Tom. Okay, that's fair. So now we go through the process of, as moderator,

I will begin the selection process for a new moderator. I'm going to nominate Sean. Oh, okay. I'll second that nomination. All right. And then you confirm the nomination? Yes, I confirm. Okay.

So, gosh, so much I want to ask to either one of you, but I guess my main question is for Hayes. Oh, wow, okay. Yeah, of course. Hayes, at our age, the skin you got doesn't happen by accident. Oh. Name your top three skincare products and take me through

your morning routine. Okay. Okay. Morning routine. This morning? Yeah. Okay. The first thing

you do, if you're at Vulture Fest, you get a call at 5 a.m. saying that your car is here to take you to the airport. Which happened to be this morning. You are convinced that it's time for you to go home. You don't remember doing the show. And it's 5 a.m. East Coast time, which for you is 2 a.m.? It's 2 a.m. West Coast time, yes. So you go to the airport, but there's no ticket, so you go.

The person at the desk says, you haven't done your show yet. We're so excited for your show. Why are you trying to leave New York? Yeah. So you go home, uh, you, this, you lay out your skin the night before. So when you say, when you say the morning routine, they have this, cause like from the day before it's a little, um, like it's absorbed a lot of moisture. So you lay it out on the vent.

Wow. So it kind of dries out. Don't give it to the guys. Some people will give it to those guys that will take your skin and tenderize it overnight. Don't do that.

Because they'll take it for a joy ride. That has happened to me before. Well, skin like yours, yeah, that's tempting for those guys. So, Tom, do you want to ask me where I get my question ideas? On that question, yeah, that's tempting for those guys. So, Tom, do you want to ask me where I get my question ideas? On that question, yeah. On the skin thing?

Again, Sean is the moderator. I'm the moderator now. Don't talk to him. Yeah. On the skin thing? Mm-hmm. I kind of... I think on the skin thing um i i kind of i i think i might i think on the skin thing might have been my question on the skin thing okay yeah so all right so where do i get my ideas as a moderator yeah you know they just sort of pop into my head. So I think we need a new moderator.

Yeah. I will nominate... Are we doing it snake style? Oh, yeah. So I nominate it first. We're going around the curve now. And now you nominate twice. Okay.

So I'll nominate Sean. Okay, I'll take it. Okay. I'll second the nomination. And then if you want to confirm the nomination... I will confirm. Yes. Because it doesn't seem like Tom is going to do it. Okay. I'll second the nomination. And then if you want to confirm the nomination. I will confirm. Yes. Because it doesn't seem like Tom is going to do it.

Yeah. I would like to participate. I can just say that. It's a democratic process. You hear us up here doing these. You know the rules, the panel rules. You're welcome to initiate. And if you'd like to do a challenge vote you can do that

yeah i'd love to participate in a challenge vote i mean i love the process you know seeing democracy at work so once the moderator is selected anyone can initiate a challenge vote but you do lose your next two moderator turns if you lose the challenge vote okay who determines and it is majority rules and because you initiated the vote, you don't get to vote in the challenge vote. That's completely corrupt. It's like, oh, I call for a vote. Oh, and I'm voting. It's like, no, you can't do that. Yeah. And that's like

the way Senator Sperling wants to run it. Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no, no. Ms. Sloan would never let that happen. Liz. So, are you initiating a challenge? No, I'm not. No, I'm going to hold back on my challenge. I don't want to burn it yet.

Okay. So my question is for Tom. Tom, can you do me a favor and ask Hayes where he gets his ideas? Sure. I'm dying to know. We had you on the show. It's good exposure. Maybe you could do us a favor.

Just do me a little favor. And you said you wanted to participate. I'm shy around Hayes, and I don't know if he's going to give me a straight answer. Of course. Hayes, do you want me to ask it from you or just as if it's from me? Surprise me. Someone wants to know. Okay. This is good.

He loves mystery. Where do you get your ideas? Well, I've been thinking about this since the first time I was asked a question and wasn't sure how to respond. And the answer is, I have a certain friend who is my inspiration. And he has a very nice body.

And just sort of being around him, I sort of feed off some of the ideas that he's bringing. I sort of feed off some of the ideas that he's bringing. And so when you say, where do I get my ideas? I can't even say that they're my ideas. They're really my handsome friend's ideas. Okay. Did you get that? Yeah, and I have a follow-up.

And what's the follow-up? Now, that is Tom's, although you can initiate a panel favor again. Because Tom does get the follow-up question. Oh, but Tom got the question. Oh, that's right. Well, my question was for Tom. That's right. Your question was for Tom. Okay.

So in that case, I can initiate the follow-up, which means I have a, you can do a panel favor. For your follow-up, yeah. So for, okay, for your follow-up, ask me if I have a follow-up. Okay, yes. Sean, my follow-up is if you have a follow-up question. Yeah, do you have any idea how much that means to me? And that's for Tom?

Because he asked a question. It's a follow-up about the question. Sure. Well, it's clear it was very meaningful to you. Yeah. Yeah. You think? I think this guy's catching on.

Uh-huh. Yeah. So, I guess time to nominate a moderator again. Tom, do you want to nominate one? Yeah, it's Tom's turn to nominate a moderator. I nominate... Sean. Okay, and I'm going to veto that. I'm going to veto it as well. Okay, and I'm going to veto that.

I'm going to veto it as well. Okay. Yeah, Sean can't be the moderator again. It's been twice in a row. He's itching to ask more questions. So, if I vetoed it and you're nominating, obviously you can't nominate yourself. So, I guess I would encourage you to nominate

Hayes. Yeah. I nominate Hayes. Okay. Okay, and I second it. This is a question for Tom. Oh. Okay. You seem sad.

Uh-huh. Yeah. You're giving me sort of an Eeyore vibe. People have said that, yes. How were you hoping this would go? If this is not what you wanted, what is your dream

version of this panel? Well, I had no dream version of it. I thought... Is maybe that the problem? You come out in like a letterman jacket. You do a little muscle man show. Like, is that... Wayne Grayskies used to say

that visualization is 100% of the shots you don't take. Okay. I mean, I thought I was going to come here to take part in a panel that would teach people about podcasting. Audience participation. Because I don't know if you guys are aware of this,

there just aren't enough podcasts. And we need to give people the tools to do their own podcast. Is it time for a regular Joe of some sort to take on podcasting? Yeah. Like a Joe the Plumber type? Or a Joe Rogan.

So you want to do audience questions? Sure. Okay. What's your question for the audience? If you were going to do a podcast, please list the three subjects you could do your show about in ascending order from

worst idea to best idea. And how is this going to work in your mind? Because everybody would just say it. So many people. We do like a countdown. You sold out. I don't know if you remember. I heard. I heard. And you're asking them to do a lot of the show.

Yes. You know what I mean? When really, I think it should be Tom doing a little bit more of the show. Yeah, couldn't Tom get involved in the show? Well, then, okay. I've been trying to get you out of your shell the whole time. Sure, okay. All right. So, okay.

So, what do you want to know then from me if you want to get me out of my shell? Well, if you were to do a podcast, this is the three in ascending order. I do one. Yeah, but we were going to regroup a little bit. Sort of take stock. Sure. From Worst Idea to Best Idea in ascending order, just sort of say what the podcast might be about.

Well, by the way, Tom, I don't know if you want to say that you do a podcast because then your health insurance payments that you are getting for the show might, like someone might be alerted to that. You might not be. Okay. Somebody might dig a little deeper.

Be able to fund your payments out of your health plan. Well, then I'll just say there's only one podcast I would do, and it would be about my journey as a sick infant to try to just stay alive and get to Halloween. Yeah. And just hope everybody just keeps giving. And do you have a costume picked out? Yeah. If you make it?

Probably Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Ah, yes. Yondu, of course. Big spark of recognition from the audience on Yondu. If you guys could have, yeah, anyone listening, there was a collective sort of, oh, face. Like, Yondu. Everyone mouthed the name because we all know Yondu. Very reverent. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that really worked.

Very reverent. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, that really worked. It's interesting for a baby as sick as yourself to want to dress up for Halloween when the photo already is so scary of you. And there's such a natural, I mean, there is a baby in Guardians of the Galaxy 2, and it's baby Groot.

But I guess you as a baby want to be a grown up, which I assume Yondu is. If I could, Hayes, I don't think anyone would recognize baby Groot as a Guardians of the Galaxy member. Because you go to see that movie, you're seeing Yondu. You're going, I'm going to go see the Yondu movie.

And then with baby Groot, you'd have to explain like, that's the tree guy. And people wouldn't really be able to get there. Do we want to do a switch of the audience so the people in the back can see us? So, like, the people in the front move to the back and the people... Well, yeah.

And do we want to sort of... Maybe we stand... We have these wireless mics. We can do a stand-up and... Let's get some audience questions. Let's everybody start switching seats, and we'll get questions while you do that. So we can stand up.

We'll go to the back and get some audience questions. Yes, yes. And Tom, yeah, you come. Can I come? Yeah, please. And we'll all get the audience questions. Okay, which way are you going? Yes.

All right, so you go this way. But remember which chair I was in when we go back. And please ask serious questions, guys. Don't do the broken English thing that we used to do on the show like two years ago. Like every time we've ever tried to get an audience question

and it's like, do what make movie is podcast. And it's like, look, I get it. I thought it was funny when we started doing it too. But then I was like, this is bad.

I'm embarrassed by this. So, Hayes, do you want to get a question over there? should I get one? Does anyone have a good one over here? No, nobody does. Does anybody have a good question back here? This guy looks like he might have one. Okay. Okay, so let's have Tom get one first.

Tom, do you want to, yeah. Do I want to ask a question or get a question from the audience? Get a question from the audience. Do you have a question? No? No, I'm coming up just right here. Tom, keep asking.

Tom's striking out. All right. Okay. Ask him why he doesn't have a question. Okay. Why don't you have a question? Just a little tired. This show's pretty early.

Okay. Little tired. The show's pretty early. All right, Hayes, do you want to field that one? I actually have a response to that, which is last year, yes, we did have sort of an early show at 11 a.m., and we spoke up about that, and now it is at 11.30.

Mm-hmm. That's the kind of respect they show us here at Vulture Fest. And I got to say, they practically recognized us the fourth time we tried to get inside. Yes. I mean, they were really going like, I think I should know you.

So that felt good. Yeah. Sir, what was your question? I wondered if maybe a good podcast topic would be fraudulent GoFundMe pages. Okay, so this guy's trying to play off of sort of the main thing we were talking about with Tom. Seems to be pretty deeply mined at this point. Yeah. So we've done a lot about it.

And we were moving on from it to go like, let's see if somebody could get something new kick-started for us. Yes. And it's sort of a Tom thing, which I'm sort of standing here being like, what do I do with this? His question is the sound of like

when you're sipping through a straw and there's nothing left in the drink. And it's like, and you're kind of going like, I'm so thirsty. And you thought maybe some of the ice melted in like interim, but it didn't. So that's kind of what that question is. I would love to get a different one. Okay. I'll confirm.

All right, Tom. Tom. Will you nominate Hayes to get a different one okay i'll confirm all right tom tom will you nominate hayes to get the question yes you're not i'm i would like to formally nominate hayes for the get the next question do you have a question i don't do you uh sure um I don't... Sure. That guy was in the bathroom with me. I want something in between eager and I want the person, you know... Yeah, okay, this guy. Can you guys take that skateboard over there and just show us how to shred?

Oh. Somebody brought a skateboard. Yeah. I guess, you know, is that question for Tom, I guess? Okay. I remember him saying he wanted to participate more.

Okay, Tom. This can be for all the people at home. Okay, he's getting on. Right? Holy, oh no. Too many tricks And Tom You say like cow bugger

Or something Yeah But make it your own Make it your own Shredden Yeah That's good That felt good

Hey Sean Please Look at all these Empty seats here Mmhmm One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Sean? Please, yeah. Look at all these empty seats here. Mm-hmm. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Yeah.

You said it was a sellout, right? We have rich fans who like to stretch out. So this guy paid $400 for the second to last row. My man bought the whole row. Yeah, yeah. for the second to last row. I may have brought the whole row. Yeah, yeah. I think I got away from that.

I nominate you. Yeah. To do what? To ask a question. To ask a question? And the question is, do you have a question? Does anybody have a question?

Someone has a question over there. Okay. Please don't let me down. I'm going to try. What can you tell us about promoting your podcast? Oh, good. That would be a good question for the podcast panel.

What can you tell us about promoting your podcast? But there is nobody on stage anymore. Yeah. No, that question's clearly for the empty chairs. Yeah. Well. I like how people are scrambling to light us back here. The lights are wildly switching on and off.

And we're just going to go back up in a second. So the person's finally like, okay, I got it. But now I guess it's time to go back on stage. We don't really have anything else to do back here. Tom? Yeah? Do you want to ask somebody for a question? I guess I'd like to ask this guy, where are you on the run to?

You have all your luggage with you. We're going home to South Carolina. Okay, that's nice. That's nice. Have a safe trip. Travel safe. Play this out, Tom. Keep going. And

if I can take a personal moment now, I would like, if you know who Yondu is, please raise your hand. Oh, nobody's raising their hands. Nobody. Oh, no. Wow.

Come on. Nobody knows who Yondu is here. And nobody knew who Yondu was. Oh, no. It was... And I was going to let it go. Now raise your hand if you know who Miss Sloan is. Oh, yeah.

There they go. Yes. Literally every hand in the house went up. Oh, yeah. There they go. Yes. Literally every hand in the house went up. Oh, my God. That Miss Sloan with her lipstick. I don't think it's right

that she went to prison. And I'm out here free to host a hit podcast. Do you guys want the stuff that's in my Vulture gift bag? Yeah, we should. It is the part of the show where we give out the gift bag. Yeah, okay, let's do it. Okay.

And this must require a lighting change. That was easy for that guy. He's like, okay, normal setting. Yeah. So it really is very, very nice. They give us this nice gift bag, but last year a lot of my stuff got taken away on the plane because I was trying to make it into a weapon.

Just to see if I could. I wasn't going to do anything. They don't want to hear that. Keeping this. Tough to find stuff that you don't want to keep. Yeah. Okay.

Brownie thins. Now, I know what you're thinking. I can't eat that. They don't use fair trade cocoa. Read the package. So, does anyone feel like they deserve brownie thins? Oh, wow. And Hayes, how do we pick?

And Tom, how do we pick? I would like to hear what somebody did to deserve... That guy who yelled yeah really thinks he deserves some brownie thins. I'd like to hear what he did to deserve it. I'll get back out there. Who yelled yeah? Oh, okay. And this is the guy who bought the whole row,

and I think that's what he did. I'm not even going to ask. That's our richest... He could buy the show and destroy it if he wanted. Yeah. Let's see what else. Uh-oh. Somebody's see what else. Uh-oh. Somebody's born a crime.

Yeah, Trevor Noah was born a crime. Uh-oh. I hope nobody thinks the rules apply to Ariel Levy. Okay, so the two books that we got in the gift bag are Born a Crime and The Rules Do Not Apply. Can we get some nicer books next year? Some books about obeying the rules. Yeah. Can we get a book that follows the rules?

And can we get a book that, like, just is nice? Yes. I'm sorry. When I'm on a plane, I don't want to think about criminals. What if I'd read that book before I did the show? Who knows? I'm not going to come out and just do a normal show. Yeah.

Imagine the safe, structured show you've been enjoying. Where you just feel like, oh, I'm in the hands of professionals. They plan this out. They're really just concerned about the audience having a good time, and that's why they put all the thought into it. And instead, I'm going, oh, the rules don't apply to me. I don't have to plan the show and make it so good.

Then what would I do? Just be wandering around? Think about that. You'd just be up here like, just, you know, jerking off. Tom. Tom. Tom. My daughter's here, Tom. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. You told me that before the show. Yeah. I slipped up. Yeah. Tom. I'm so sorry. My girlfriend, Hayes' daughter, is here.

And she doesn't exactly want to hear that kind of talk and I made a big pitch of like come see your this is sort of like her introduction to her boyfriend Sean this is your new boyfriend come to the show

it's sort of like a presentational opportunity for Sean and if she starts talking like you, that's gonna blow the dowry. Yeah. Now Tom, would you like to join Tidal? Cause Tidal's still trying.

Yes, we have an opportunity for someone to join Tidal in this audience And that means you get to be an artist on it If you accept this card You also accept any possible losses That Tidal Declares in this financial year Yes, you get equity

You get a significant equity in the company You could feasibly owe and all that comes with million dollars legal liability it's a gamble no one's gonna pretend it's not uh but you know what old wayne great ski used to say are there any creams in there? The Gret one. Huh? Are there any creams in there? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I've got Dr. Dennis Gross' Alpha Beta Medi Spa Peel. Oh, okay. Is that a cream?

Eh, no. Let's see. This will play well on the audio. Oh. So, you're not going to believe this this Jerleek product

is a sun specialist with super berry complex has anybody ever tried super berries not once I tried them one time and that's really all you need it's still bouncing around in there Tom Not once. I tried them one time. Yeah. And that's really all you need. Yeah. It's still bouncing around in there.

Tom? No, I haven't. Haven't had Super Berries? Not yet. Okay. Do you want to say why? Because, you know, I really thought this was supposed to be about helping people learn about podcasting. Learn about podcasting.

Right. And so what you want is they're getting all sunburned. You've got to start an open air studio. This is an outdoor show. What Tom wants is people are too sunburned to do competing podcasts with him.

That's honestly what it is. I don't want to win that way. This is a good teaching moment for the people out there. People will try to destroy you in this business. They will want you to get sunburned so you can't do the show. Imagine if the only reason that SJP's interview

with the head of New York Magazine for $50 didn't sell out was because she was too sunburned. Would I want to win that way? Who do you think would have had something to do with that? Tom Sharpling, maybe? Now, he wants people to be sunburned.

I'm sorry. I've got more candies here. I'm starting at the top with who I want sunburned. Yeah. Right? I'm not just going for some slob. And she's a tastemaker, so she's saying being sunburned is great. I don't want the guy who Sean and I were talking in the bathroom to to be sunburned, a normal guy like that. Can we give him a few things, by the way?

The guy from the bathroom? Yes. Well, does he want... Yes, well, the guy who approached Sean and Tom in the bathroom, please come on stage. He's just a nice... Yes. Yes, up. Up. he's just a nice yes yes up up yes treats so uh you get to pick candy a book or milk makeup hero salve or Milk Makeup Hero Sav? Sav. Sav.

How do we say that word? Candy, book, Sav. I can't get the super berries? He wants the super berries. He wants the super berries. Okay. Podcasting rule number 27. If you know how to ask for it

You can get just about anything in this business He's getting the super berries Another good lesson Approach your heroes In the bathroom You'll always be rewarded You will get a prize If you're standing next to Tom In line, especially at a bathroom, have him deal with you.

You're winning. Yes. You're the only one who didn't lose money on today. That's right. You got that. Everybody else here is just hammered in money. Yes. Thank you.

That is plenty. that is more than enough All good, man Thank you Don't worry We don't have any more time for you There's only 29 minutes left to go Yes

And so much more, Shep We'll never get to all the stuff we rehearsed. Oh, no. We're not gonna. Do you have any more ideas for when you do this next year, when you do this panel next year? Maybe we can start planning that one now. You seem critical of our show.

How have your Vulture Fest shows gone? Well, if you remember when you did it last year, because you're local. It it last year Because you're local It's so easy for you to get here I got bumped to be fair They had me on the schedule Then

Jesse David Fox Said he wanted to Do a one man show Jesse David Fox The vulture comedy reporter Almost as much recognition as Yondu. Yes. Yes. Yes. He's the Yondu of vulture. Yeah. Yes.

Guardians 3, you know, it's Jesse David Fox up there in that ship. Yes. Could that be interesting? I honestly think that when Yondu takes his mask off, he will be revealed to be Jesse David Fox. Yeah, I knew he had a mask. If he's on the ship, right, Jesse David Fox could come up with 15 ways to fix this adventure.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that could be a really good so that scene the movie could be more like these articles okay so you got bumped last year you got asked this year but it was at the same time as this show

and Jesse started swinging his dick around and then what were you gonna say that you corrected yourself to that? In front of my daughter, who's now going to be hearing like, oh, I want to get to know this Jesse David Fox

instead of her boyfriend I'm trying to set her up with, Sean. I was going to say wiener. Very current. Good topical stuff. He's got a whole chunk on yeah tom just do your do your anthony wiener he begged us to let him do an anthony wiener routine and we were like please it was all about like he's like did you notice his name and he's like what he does

he's like oh we've got 29 minutes that's exactly as long as my set is. I know. And I was like, I think people have made that observation before about his last name. And Tom was like, not like this. Not this way. Yeah. So go ahead and do it. Okay. The year is 2009. We're thrilling to... Dexter?

Yes. Yes, Dexter. He was like the original Miss Sloan. You don't know whose side he's on, but you know you want him on yours. Tom, we're trying to plan your show for next year. Yes, please. So what's going to be next year?

This will not be as current then. So we can't do the Wiener stuff next year. Let's not do the Wiener stuff next year. Let's do some stuff that is going to really connect with your core audience. Girl Boss fans. Yes, Girl Boss Nation. Uh-huh. Okay.

So then I just got to come up and be like, hashtag girl boss nation. And what would you say to them? Like you're a guest on our show. Wait, whose show am I on now? This is when you do our show next year. How you're like dream version of the panel, right? Right. Okay, yeah.

I'll do my dream version of the panel next year. It's me. On stage. Next to me. Hot Saucer Mom, or whatever name he goes by. What is it? Hot Saucer Mom? Is that one of his names? Yeah, that's one of the names.

He's there. Michael Rooker, who plays Yondu in the Guardians of the Galaxy movies, is on the panel. The guy from the bathroom is up here. Yes. Who now has a huge podcast. Yes.

That I'm a co-host on. Can we see, actually, can we get the bathroom gentleman back up here? Yeah, okay. Let's do it. I think if he's going to be getting the product, we should see him apply the creams. Because we don't know if he's going to go out

and flip the creams. We've got to see him put on the cream. Just on your hand or somewhere. Well, let him pick. But don't let Tom pick. Who wants to see him apply it to Hayes? Well, that's not going to happen. It's your cream.

It's your cream, buddy. Yeah, Hayes can't deal. You can keep talking. Don't slow down the show. So it's me. So it's you. Hot sauce or mom. It's Michael Rooker.

Well, he's up as Yondu. He's being Yondu. He's in the blue maker. And then is the director's brother there? Yeah. The guy who clearly is the director's brother in the movie. He's there. What? Sorry, can the cream helper come up the movie. He's there. What?

Sorry, can the cream helper come up on stage, please? Yeah. We didn't even realize. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We have a cream expert here. Thank God. Sir, are you sure there's nowhere more important for you to be? Yeah.

One of the rules of podcasting. Okay, we have the cream application supervisor. You just stand right there and watch the cream go on. And make sure there's not another intervention moment. I have to scold bathroom man. He'll tell you when you've got the cream. Yes. Yes. And you might want to be friends after

You know how Tony Robbins in that movie is like Now you guys are friends outside of the show Yeah, you protect each other No more mics, guys Sorry, we're out of mics Would love to give you mics I'm looking around, we're coming up dry here So for people just listening

These guys are crushing. Yeah, and they're doubling back and they're finding more every time. And I'm going... Who would have thought that the cream screamer from the audience would come up and have more material

on the stage? Okay, it's good stuff. And I'm smelling. I don't even recognize you smell-wise anymore. Yeah. In a positive way. We'll do the podcast? Of course.

Well, you know what I can say? What? Let's get ready for a dry run here. I'm going to literally leave. Okay. Okay. Okay. The people don't want this.

And sir, just really quickly, this milk makeup I got is called Hero Sav, and I think I see a hero. Where's he going? Oh, no. The I see a hero. Where's he going? Oh, no. The cream screamer. Thank you, cream screamer. Thank you for your service.

Yeah. I'm going to make the mic all greasy because of the scream. Biggest laugh of the show. We're going to need to scale that back and edit a little bit. Yeah. I hope I heard that wrong.

Did Tom leave? People don't want me. Do people want Tom? There is no Tom anymore. Forget Tom. Tom's over, man. Yeah. Please donate to deadbyhall man. Yeah. Please donate to

deadbyhalloween.org. So what do we know about you? You're a bathroom enthusiast. Is that the show? I'm a bathroom attendant. Yes, that's right. He did refer to himself as a bathroom attendant. Okay, so is that the mistake that happened here? Is that you guys were using the bathroom

and this guy was just like, can I wipe your hands or whatever? And you were like, oh, some kind of super fan. Okay. Well, I mean, imagine somebody's trying to touch your hands in a bathroom. Yeah, must be a pretty huge fan. What are you to think other than,

this guy likes my podcast. Yeah, yeah. Try to give you a hot towel. Mm-hmm. And that's you a hot towel. And that's not a euphemism, people. I hope I heard that wrong. Is Dan here from the restaurant I went to last night who

introduced himself? Dan? Dan the server. Server Dan. Dan, could you get up here? Dan. Dan, could you get up here? Let's switch me out for Dan. Come on, Dan. And take the long way if you would. Here's Dan. Dan, again, there's no mic. Sorry. Dan, I just have one note for you. I did meet you at the restaurant last night. We had a nice conversation. But I did use the bathroom at the restaurant.

And I waited a long time. And nobody came in to help me with anything. So is this a collaboration? I was in the wilderness in this bathroom. Is this a collaboration, Dan? Are we now setting you up with the future of your restaurant? in this bathroom. Is this a collaboration, Dan? Are we now setting you up with the future of your restaurant? Yes.

I'm always looking for more bathroom work. Okay. I hope I heard that right. Dan, I'll tell you a little story about last night. I hope I heard that right. Dan, I'll tell you a little story about last night. I was upset with Hayes. I didn't see him all day. Here I am in a strange city.

I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing. These buildings are everywhere. Terrifying. Everyone's trying to make you eat pizza. The water's different. So I was lost. And I said to Hayes, hey, I had a sad day.

And he said, well, I've got good news for you. This server at a restaurant was a fan of the podcast and helped me get seated faster. And I thought, so your good news for me is one of us finally got something out of doing the podcast. And it wasn't me. And it wasn't me because I was not invited. But then what did I, when I was at the restaurant, Dan, what did I say? I said, I miss my friend, didn't I? Didn't I say that?

You said that you wish your mom was Sean. That was my daughter, actually. Okay. He really said he missed his friend? Guys, hi. I'm back. Oh, no. We have questions back here for the panel. The Phantom of Milk Studios.

You have a question? I still don't have a question, no. I asked the guy who didn't have a question before if he had a question. He's taken all this time and has not come up with any question for anybody. You had to know. Any bathroom questions? Yeah, any questions for bathroom man? Anybody have a question for bathroom man?

Raise your hand. Anyone? You can sit down. Indian style, Dan. How did you like the cream? Indian style is the most comfortable way to Dan. How did you like the cream? Indian style is the most comfortable way to sit. How did you like the cream? Oh, it's great.

I mean, it tastes... I mean, it doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't...

It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't...

It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't...

It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't...

It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't...

It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... touching that. But that'd make me the only one. So... Oh, go ahead. I'm a dog walker. I'm out there every day. I don't know why I thought I was going to talk. Bring dogs in the bathroom?

Why would you walk dogs in a bathroom? There are way bigger rooms to do that in. Outdoor bathroom. That's what dog walking is. Outdoor bathroom. That's what dog walking is, outdoor bathroom. It is, you're right. I'm very sorry. It's bathroom work. This dude just faced Hayes hard.

And I used to be a, I was a Hayes fan for a long time. So I'm here rooting for my guy. I'm actually going to go too. Yeah. Oh no! This is not going well for me. And Dan, do you want this mic? Yeah. Oh no This is not going well for me And Dan do you want this mic? Yeah

Oh no Okay does anyone have questions For the bathroom gentleman out here Or the server or the cream screamer? We can find him again. Okay, this guy got merch. You, sir, right there. There's a gentleman raising his hand.

Dan, Dan. I'm doing it. You see me, Dan? I'm out here. I still have a mic. Thank you, Dan. You bowed out. Yeah, what makes a good...

Say this is for either the bathroom gentleman, server Dan, or the cream screamer. This is for a bathroom man gentleman, server Dan, or the cream screamer. This is for a bathroom man. What makes a good bathroom? What makes a bad bathroom? How do you tell the difference? Well, I'm going to interrupt. He's not an expert on bathrooms. We all use the bathroom

from time to time. Tom, you should go back up. This is the dynamic. It's Tom and the bathroom gentleman and server Dan. Go, go, go. Fine. Okay. Move over. I'm the middle seat. Everyone knows I'm always the middle seat.

Bathroom man and cream screamer. I don't even know what. That's server Dan. And I gotta say, I never get to just enjoy our podcast as a fan. Now I see what it's like and I'm even madder about how little money

they charge for this show. Because now I see what put all these butts in the seats. It's this magic right here. Keep going. I'll stay out of your way. Toilet Talk? Is it named for a podcast, Toilet Talk?

I think Tom already did that once. Yeah, Tom did that once already. So I guess since we're here we can do Hollywood handbook since they're not there. So I guess we have to keep the flame alive. I love getting roasted. Who wants to be Sean and who wants to be Hayes?

I'll be Sean. Okay. I guess I'll be Hayes. Alright, now I'm... I wouldn't want to Hayes. All right. Now I'm... And I'll... Unless you want to... I wouldn't want to be me either, honestly. So we... Look.

Tom, can you be Brett? You can be Brett. No, I'm Tom. But where's Brett? Why would I suddenly be... You don't look like a Tom to me. So... And also, who's going to be

the bathroom man in this scenario? Is Tom the bathroom man? Well, I think you guys need to sit where they were sitting. You guys need to become bathroom man and... Was it cream screamer?

That's cream Dan, Tom. Okay. So just pick up where the show left off. They were doing some... Oh, gosh. Oh, wow. He ate too many super berries. Now he has

extreme powers. So you have a question for me, Hayes? I, well, Tom. Yes, yes, got me. Yes. When are you going to bring back the best show? Not knowing what to do, yes. It's uncanny.

And here I see myself. I've checked out. Scared and disinterested. Yes. But Tom, what's the ad you miss doing most? I think the Privloan one. That was a good one, right? The weird money one? Oh, he's the ad you miss doing most? I think the Privloan one That was a good one, right? The weird money one

Oh, he's a Best Show fan He's primarily a Best Show fan Exactly All the Best Show fans, raise your hand Oh, nobody raised their hands Oh my god Oh my god More people knew Yondu

Oh no Oh, no. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, my God. More people knew Yondu. Oh, no. Well, people sat on their hands. I saw one guy try to cut his hand off. He took out his keys, and he started sawing at his wrist. I'm going to just sit the cut for totally unnecessary. Just don't raise it. So, which ad did I like the best? Now that's an interesting question. If I think...

I liked all of them the same, actually. Always a good answer. Build your website, brah. There you goh Another retro fan Thank you I do have a podcast specific question though Certain people Jake Fogelnest

Think it's impossible to have a job And do a podcast So when you get the big job You cash out, right? I'm going to say here, I don't co-sign this I'm going to defend Jake Fogelnest. This is server Dan. That was not Sean.

That was server Dan. But I think Fogelnest is doing the podcast but not releasing it. I think he's just talking to a fabulous stains poster in his room. This feels like one of Sean's famous Fogelnest conspiracy theories. Hayes? No, theories. Hayes?

No, Sean and Hayes? Uh-huh. That was... Yes. Why don't I, since it's your show, I'll go see if there's any questions from the audience for Hayes or Sean.

Oh, that sounds good. Okay. If anybody has a question for Hayes or Sean, raise your hand, good. Okay. If anybody has a question for Hayes or Sean, raise your hand, please. Okay. What's Nick Weiger like in real life? Oh, gosh.

A Doughboys fan. Great. He tries hard, but he doesn't always land it, but you got to admire the guy. He's got good jokes But not always good jokes And he does like to talk about ejaculate A little too much I wouldn't bring him to this show

Why are these people more comfortable than me On the stage Why? How do I get this ability? Well, they can't tell how they're doing. I'm going to say bad. It's a bad show. Stop doing it. The clock is ticking.

Let's just stop. Is the clock ticking down? 8.35. You have a question for Hazer, Sean? I'm going to file out of here. This question is for Sean. Is it a good podcasting idea to say that you don't like doing your podcast every episode?

Okay, I do have to answer this. There have been a lot of conspiracy theories and people have been sort of freaking out about how we've been talking about how we're going to end the show. And I do want to address that on stage. So people don't worry

and so people don't wonder anymore and be scared. And the answer is yes, we are ending the show. A lot of people, you know, because we tease and we say, oh, we're ending the show. This is our last episode.

And we do it every week. And we do it every single week. And we always say it. And then every, like, fourth week, people go, I think this time they're really ending the show. Yes. And I have to say,

sometimes I actually feel bad because a lot of people have said like, oh, your show is, you know, one of the bright spots of my week and gets me through a tough time. I don't want to scare those people and have them think it's ending. Unless it really is ending, which it is. It is. Yeah. This is the last episode. Makes sense when

you think about it. Feels certainly like a natural stopping point to me. We've been replaced. So it was fun to do it. What else? Taking a break. Please subscribe.

Please do rate us on iTunes. Yes. Now Apple Podcasts. Great rebrand. And like our Facebook page, which is only going to be up for another week or so, right? Yeah. Great rebrand. And like our Facebook page, which is only going to be up for another week or so, right? Yeah.

And I should say, our archives will be going. They were on Howl, and then they were on Stitcher Premium. Nothing keeps the same name. Yeah. Good business model to be like, make them find it. Keep them guessing, yeah. If they're searching for you, you've already won. It's like a sort of three-card Monty of business. And now it's what? What is the

new version? It's Scripps Exclusive. Scripps Exclusive, yes. We have another question back here. Dan just said I didn't say Apple Podcast. Does anybody want to tell him if I said it or not? He did, he did. Oh, they're all raising their hands. Yeah.

And everyone's hand went up. I want to know from Sean and Hayes how crazy your Twin Peaks premiere party tonight is going to be. It's going to be Lynchian. And almost surreal. Yeah. It'll be a dream-like investigation of the human consciousness. Here's what it's going to be.

You think when you enter the club, you're entering this normal club where everyone's suburban, just normal people. It's going to feel totally wholesome, like a normal club. Yes. But just under the surface. Worms. Worms right underneath. Yes.

In the ground. Thank you, Dan. Take your time. The sickest thing you've ever pictured, worms in the ground. I'm actually having a Twin Peaks party tonight, and mine is going to start off, it's going to be the strongest party you ever went to right off the bat, and then you're going to realize part way through i have no idea how to throw a party and the party is not going to keep going on and on

and on you're going to be like and then you just turn around and no one will be at the party but then 20 years later everybody will talk about how it was the best party they ever went to yes and my yes and your version of the party is like what if it's people you liked but 90 how it was the best party they ever went to. Yes. And my, yes. And your version of the party is like, what if it's people you liked but 90? Final questions? Uh. Oh, were you talking to me?

Say who you're talking to, Tom. Okay, you have a question for Hayes 1 or Hayes 2? Or the cream screamer. Original Hayes? Hayes 1, Hayes 2? Or the Creams Creamer. Original Hayes? Hayes 1, Hayes 2, Sean 1, Sean 2. Hayes and Sean 1, respectively. Respectfully. Okay.

You guys did the Thank God It's the Guardians of the Galaxy original soundtrack podcast. I was wondering, you brought up Miss Sloan. What would her awesome mixtape volume one look like? Oh, wow. This is such a good question. Miss Sloan's no nonsense. Can I just see,

I just want everyone in the audience to have, can you come up on stage for a second please? Right there. I want people to have the view that I've had of this person and how much she's been enjoying the show for the entire time. So have a seat and face out to the audience and just sit like you've been sitting

for the entire show. And I gotta say, if you're not... No, no, no, not like that. If you're not sure if you're gonna like our show, get in the front row. Take it way down. Way down. Then you can really find out.

And if it turns out you don't, you'll have a really good angle to let us know. Hey, not for me. Yes. This is way too big. I mean, now you're enjoying it, and I'm glad. And this is what it took. You were going, why am I not on stage?

Now you see the audience and now you're enjoying the audience. They're giving you a better show than we were. And I'm glad that's all I want. That's all I want is for people to have a good time. Good job. Go back to your seat. Thank you.

It's that magic. If we're not doing it for them, they can come up here and face the audience, and maybe that will be a better experience. You know? So, is anyone else hating this? They want to look at the audience? The audience

is doing nothing, which we were fully capable of doing, and usually do. But we tried to do a show for a little bit. Yes. We had a guest at one point who has physically vanished

for the last 35 minutes. Mm-hmm. And he still haunts this theater. Tom? Yeah? What you up to back there? Actually, I have a question. Somebody has a question for you.

Yeah, this is a question for Hayes and Sean. First of all, I know who Yondu is, and this is all stupid that they're making fun. Everybody raised their hand when Tom said the thing about Yondu. Secondly, the best show is really great and Hollywood Handbook's just okay. And everybody kind of

knows it. And that's my question. Okay. I guess I would say, to answer your question, probably Taking Care of Business would be track one on Miss Sloan's mixtape. Because that's what she does. And we'll just hard cut everything in between that.

I mean, you know, we've got a good 70 seconds left, but I feel like leave them wanting more. Thank you, bathroom man. Thank you. Let this, let it wash over you. These people are loving the bathroom stuff. Thank you guys, I love you. He's talking, he was looking loving the bathroom stuff Thank you guys, I love you He's talking

He was looking at the bathroom Please come back We do a show on the eighth floor here every year Thank you, server Dan is up here Thank you, server Dan Thank you, server Dan Thank you to the cream screamer. Thank you to the vulture that stole a copy of New York Magazine

and filled it with interesting cultural ideas. A lot of people don't know the origin story of this branch. Very sort of wry, clever vulture snagged a copy of the magazine and then pecked in some articles about... And we wanted to thank one more person. Three, two, one, zero. Thank you. We're out of time.

Thank you. Here comes Hayes and Sean. Hollywood Hamburg.